#ive been here a lot in the past and this is the first time i got a muse an opportunity like this
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you'll never guess which level we're up to in this dishonored 2 rewrite
#if i haven't stuffed up my timezones this post should land on thanksgiving so here's somethin' to read to go with your food coma#dishonored#dishonored shitposting#emily kaldwin#billie lurk#dishonored fic#interesting the way the resurrection was handled - rock up to aramis stilton's powerpoint presentation basically#does anyone else think it would have been cool if you had to do the duke's palace first.#grab delilah's mortality and give it back in the past. like while she's vulnerable#kind of makes sense too from an emily character perspective#because she shows SO much character growth in stilton's manor#and then goes to the duke's palace next and IMMEDIATELY says the dumbest shit she says all game re: her entitlement and obliviousness#stilton's manor: wow ive learned so much i finally get it now!#nek minnet. emily misunderstands class warfare so bad she thinks she needs to sharpen her dads folding blade. emily. no#and if you think about it the duke's palace would have made a lot of sense for an earlier level just from emily's perspective.#hes very clearly her enemy compared to meagan's vague idea of where sokolov might be. a darker timeline perhaps#lovely Off_Topic mentioned hating time travel as a plot device and i have to agree. here's my take on that level anyway#also big thank you to RoseEll (<3) for saying it parallels the limitations of the game's mechanics interestingly ♥#using this meme template was like. 'oh hey lingering hatred for jeremy clarkson i forgot i had you'#making the badly photoshopped heads too big. my beloved.#ah crap rambling again
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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normally i never make resolutions because im of the opinion that you can change your life whenever you want and technically speaking any day of the year can be the start of a new year. that being said. my past year was kind of garbage.
so! i have decided to be more keen on new years resolutions, especially making ones that will hopefully make me feel better if something i can't control affects me negatively. i actually made a huge list of resolutions, more than i put here, that all kind of boil down to trying out ways to make my life more comfortable and fulfilling for myself and the people around me.
happy new year everybody i hope this year treats us all kindly :)
#new year's resolutions#new year's resolutions 2023#my art#peach stuff#also i know it's a scientific fact that if you write your goals down you're more likely to achieve them#have i ever written my goals down if i wasn't forced to before? no. and maybe that's why ive been so shit at reaching my goals<3#also about the goal that's about finding a hobby that uses my hands: ive realized recently that both of my main hobbies#(reading and writing) are both very brain-heavy things to do. like those are both two things that require a lot Being Inside My Head#and you know! maybe ive realized that it's Not Good to be in my head so much!#so i want to find a more tactile hobby that won't require so much brain time and can connect me more with the physical world#also i drew this all in ms paint with my new laptop and laptop pen and maybe i just don't understand ms paint enough#but this was kind of a bitch to draw. where is the layer function. why was my laptop screen still registering my skin when i was using pen#but still i like how it looks. especially the peach and my hair. the peach just because it looks cute and peach-like#and i think this is the first time ive drawn/colored my hair since i died it this past summer so it was fun to experiment with#how to make it accurate but still cohesive with the colors i already had down#my hair is actually variations on an auburn sort of shade since its faded from a really shitty (self-done) red dye job#but the pink here is fun :)#anyway. that's all
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man. i changed so much these past years
#im different from last years me who was different from 2021 me who was different from 2020 me and so on and so forth#it feels kinda weird thinking about it bc i went through *so much stuff*#all of it in just the past 4 years... insane#i found out i was trans. i went on lockdown. i started posting my art online. i made online friends.#i went through three different relationships. every single one of them changed me forever.#i started writing. i finished middle school. i read homestuck. i used discord everyday for 2 years.#i found my personal sense of style. i started going tk school again. i made friends irl. i lost all the online friends i had.#(thay wasnt bc of any scandal i just left the friendgroup and then started to slowly interact more with ppl irl#whi sorta made my online interactions dwindle especially one-on-one interactions#i think i feel better like this go be honest with you. the connections feel stronger and i feel closer to the friends ive made#not saying i dont like the people i know and befriended here just saying that not being chronically online anymore really changed how i#go through with internet interactions)#damn. really feeling the passage of time now.#also this is not a sad reminiscent post im *really* glad im in the place i am in life right now#i have a qpp i have an irl friendgrouo that i feel 100% comfortable with for the first time in my life im doing ok at school#i have a vision for my future my relationship with my parents is sooo much better#idk man. compare that with 14 year old me eating alone at school bc i was too scared to talk with the other people on my class and like.#yeah man. im doing a lot better#i DO have to update my art blog though. its been too long sincd i posted anything#talk
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hiii um may i ask why you deactivated ur deviantart account?
just didnt feel good posting there sorry
#the formatting didnt really click w me and the site sort of intimidated me if im being honest. like most stuff does but#idk da is so massive and i feel like interactions with posts on there felt a lot less… personal?#idk im tired i dont know how to explain#ask#anon#honestly over the past year ive been realizing i dont really like most sites i use#or feel super comfortable posting on them. idk.#art especially has been getting difficult for me to post and it feels so frustrating cuz like#ive been posting art for so long and i love sharing it…. but at the same time its become so stressful.#and i know thats sort of my own fault for making it that way but i feel like ive been a lot more comfortable with myself just not bothering#to post stuff in the first place. idk#i know there was a lot of art on there i never really posted on here srry if thats sorta what prompted this#if u really did like a specific piece i could post it if asked. i really dont mind#i appreciate ppl enjoying my art.. and i do feel bad not sharing it much cuz ive been on the other end of the situation b4#but again its sorta just .. for myself. i will maybe go back to posting more regularly someday but. yeah idk#again im tired im just rambling
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last few hours in boston :(
#purrs#conference tag#we literally just got here and now we have to go 😭💔 i havent rly felt as enriched by this conference as i have in the past (though there’s#still 2 more sessions to go to incl the closing plenary and we’re getting lunch in the station before the train ride home) but ive walked#around so much and have spent time with people i love and some people i miss. and have been on adventures i have been looking forward to for#a rly long time though i am kinda bummed i never made it down to fanueil square. but… idk what happiness feels like anymore but maybe for me#it’s just absence of misery and despair. or contented ness. i have gotten a little triggered from time to time these last few days and ive b#been lonely in my hotel room but MAN it has been nice to not be miserable and suffering and to take walks and to not go to every session (ev#even though i do feel bad abt it like i missed 2 plenaries and an afternoon concurrent session which is more than i usually miss) and to#be in this city which feels so much like brighton and so uncity like in some ways. it’s so charming and omg i went to harvard and it was#NOTHING like what i imagined it to be / feel like.. just a quaint artsy quirky town. and the rest of the places ive been have been like that#too. and people LIVE here every day!!!!! there’s a big beautiful world here both above ground and below!!!! and im gonna be late to#breakfast but… i just feel nourished and healed in a way i wasn’t expecting to. I haven’t been this far away from home in 3+ years and#it’s just been really nice being somewhere else and going on adventures and seeing things surviving. i miss my grandparents a lot and im sad#to not be visiting them and to be unable to visit them now lol but it’s just rly nice and special being here. im goingto miss it so much and#im trying to savor every second. i wish we had one more day here and im a little sad to be going home lol#* what i meant when talking about happiness earlier is that i think… i have been happy these last few days. for the first time in a really#really long one. and that’s nice. it’s good to be happy again. and good to be here
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THE FACT TRANSFORMERS DO NOT HAVE CONSISTENT SIZING OR EVEN CANON HEIGHTS FOR MOST CONTINUITIES
#tf#I HATE IT HERE WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH WILDLY DIFFERING HEIGHTS#i can't even find canon heights for most of them anyway 😭#i just want to be able to figure out a ratio for auto form to robot form so i can figure out how tall my oc would be#and then how tall they would be compared to various characters#but noooooo bumblebee can be roughly in the same height range every time#and that correlates fairly one to one to his auto form (from what i can find)#starscream seems to vary a lot within the twenties or so.. but if he's one of the F number jets.#that's like a ratio of ~.4 ISH for robot height to irl jet length (again for the heights i can find)#which is no where NEAR the one to one ratio of Bee#and don't even get me STARTED on optimus 😭#and NONE of the motorcycle transformers make any kind of fucking sense AT ALL#i can't even start on them because I will pull all my hair out#listen. I just want a reasonable height for either a motorcycle tf or a car tf and starscream.#it's all I need to figure out a decent height for my oc based on their vehicle mode (THATS THE WORD IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR not auto form lol)#i need the motorcycle or car tf to figure out their height. and i need screamers so i know what it looks like when they fuck him lmaoo#THATS ALL I WANT. I DONT FEEL LIKE THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR BUT FUCK ME I GUESS#it's 1:30 am and I have been laying in bed thinking about this for the past ehhhh 2 and a half hours#and this is definitely not the first time i've gone down this particular rabbit hole#I JUST WANT ANSWERS
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pros of living with another cosplayer: enables and encourages each other to work on our costumes and has fun doing it together
cons of living with another cosplayer: forget to do my other hobbies
#im exaggerating abt the cons its really nice living w someone as enthusiastic abt it as i am :)#its just what ive been up to the past few days#we've been doing a lot of problem solving and research and stuff bc its our first time making specific armor pieces#also when i lived with my parents it was almost impossible to start my projects before a month from whatever con i was going to#and here me and my roommate have just started getting ready for sakuracon in the spring#which is so nice. ive stayed up til like 4-5am thursday of the convention trying to finish WAY too many times in the past#( if anyones curious we're doing zagreus and melinoe hadesgame and a soul eater villains group w other friends :) )#‧ miscellaneous. → 「 out. 」
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.
#personal#its ridiculous how i was so depressed 2 days ago and then my partner was like. whay if i came over right now even though#its almost midnight. and what if i slept over at your house for 3 nights in a row. and now im sitting here having eaten breakfast for the#first time in like 4 weeks and feeling happy waiting for him to wake up so we can shower together and were#gonna go on a build-a-bear date and i no longer feel like i deserve to d*e with him here#hes just so sweet and i love him a lot and im really lucky to have him in my life <3 ive never been in a relationship where i felt this#safe and comfortable and accepted before and i know he hasnt either and its just nice#definitely helps that were both trans autistic queers with parental trauma so theres a lit about each other that we understand without#needing to explain it in depth#but also he really values communication and even thiigh im so used to shutting all my feelings off and not telling people about them#im trying really hard to not do that with him and its? nice not bottling everything up for once?#he really listens to me when i talk and tries to understand and respect my boundaries all the time and its realy nice to have that#ive been awful at establishing boundaries in past relationships and i didnt feel like my boundaries mattered to at least one ex so its#a nice change of pace to have someone go out of their way to make me feel reapected and valued like thay#and thats not even mentioning all the hot gay transgender sex we have because like. both being on t kind of makes that a necessity dhdjdjdj#its just nice having him in my life and feeling loved and cared for and getting to love and care for him back and im so lucky#that everything fell into place for us to date each other because i really dont know what id have done without him this past half a year#this is so long fhdjsjsjsj im just waoting for him to get up and feeling emotional about how much of a good influence he is in my life <333
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i think me making a dropout/d20/naddpod sideblog is inevitable at this point
#ty xeph my beloved for givin me the final push to get dropout#dam i dont even remember if there was a specific thing u did xD i had been wantin to get it for a while already tbh#anyways i wanna look at naddpod stuff on here so bad but also started from the beginning and ;-; spoilers#lol it’s so weird it’s been YEARS since ive been invested in a fandom/media n cared abt (or even had the opportunity to care abt) spoilers#tbh i usually dont care but even if i did#a lot of the time the content ends up easy to catch up on yknow? limited series & books and stuff n all#or fuckinnnn yt series that u dont need to be caught up from the beginning lol#this however. i do Want to experience the story for realsies n all that#anyways. the sideblog is definitely fuckin happening imma be real#idk when i’ll stop being a coward and *nike voice* just do it#but it’ll happen it is quite literally inevitable. ive gone past the point of no return#i Do need to dwell on a url though. that may take A Bit (read: far too long)#i think i was considering maybe a silly dumb ref to andhera from acofaf#bc that was the first campaign i watched and they are Best Boy. god i fucking love andhera#but also. man idk#ikikik ik u can change urls l8r but this is How I Am *awkward smile*#i Need a silly little ref that Satisfies Me. it doesnt even hafta be a good or recognizable reference (<- historically true)#but it’s gotta be good to Me Personally bc im ~like that~ teehee#anyways screaming crying How will i ever catch up to naddpod#i mean tbf. im at ep 26 for first campaign and it’s been maybe a week? maybe under (or over??) a bit??#so theoretically it hopefully wont take me more than 2 months to finish bahumia campaign even w school starting factored in#hopefully. idk#d20 shit is gonna take 50 goddamn yrs tho xD im in my naddpod arc rn#and all ive seen is acofaf and most of coffin run. and am keepin up w neverafter ofc#and idk even which intrepid hero campaign to go for next. i was thinkin unsleeping city but like damn i dont even know for sure yet#ALSO i HAVE to watch mice&murder first now. idk if it’s any good but Conceptually im just. oh my god i need to get my grubby lil hands on it#but again. before that im In My Naddpod Arc currently and im like. most of the way thru coffin run. god i’ll finish it i promise#it just didnt Grip me as much as the other stuff ive consumed so far. i dont dislike it tho; it’s cool but brain didnt stick as hard#and im like literally one episode from finishing too. like 20 min of the penultimate and the final one thats it#anyway im evidently fuckin rambling i’ll shut up now
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.... I feel bad bc my friend is sad ) :
#miranda talking shit#I feel a bit guilty too... I think thabks to my meds i am taking this better than normal but yeah#Fabian and me have only like spoken twice over the past month or two? Which is not much#Considering we have basically talked almost daily for years (a minimum at once per week) ...#The irony is that he implied that he was too big of an part of my life before we had this ... Break#... But as far as i know the few friends he have... Are the ones we have in common. Two irl friends . And me#Hes .... Been feeling lonely. He is now. He wants to talk to people etc and im like ): ...#I... Like oliver said 'i think fabian takes solitude a lot harder than you do. He does mind being alone' and yeah...#I think i may have unintentionally made him rely on me rather hard for socializing... For years hes basically only been in my social 'hot'#Zone. And now he have ended up in my 'cold' zone for the first time for this long... Like oliver said i dont mind solitude.#I grew up playing pretend on my own 80% of my time at home. Now i can get in isolation periods where im focusing on a video game#And literally not... Talk to anyone for a month or more. Then i talk to someone again and i realize i had been lacking social time but i#Dont actively... Feel it. I only get lonely at night badly id like to share bed with someone. But ... Yeah. Fabian is probably used to#Getting all this attention from me constantly and now im... Not providing it. Bc im focusing on other people socially...#I said im glad he shared feeling lonely with me and that i am here for him etc but...#I feel like ive failed him. Is failing him. Idk... I know its not my fault and so on but... My social... Functions have many downsides#I probably make people feel very special. I love to listen and ask about everything and encourage them and such. But then i can just stop#Talking for a long period of time and its .... Its never intentional but its how ive always been. Its why ive always kept to having like 3#Friends up until becoming an adult and now jts... Its hard. I love many people and i want to give them as much of me as possible at a time#So instead of dividing myself to everyone always... I give one or two people all my attention at a time
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i am not doing well rn
#this job isnt what i thought it was gonna be and i was up all night freaking out about my life choices#i think im gonna start applying to different jobs#its not that the job itself isnt what i thought. its that this place is shady as hell and i do not feel comfortable being a part of this#the owner does a lot of illegal shit that he can get away with bc its a 'private business'#like. i havent even met him yet. im meeting him today and all of my coworkers have terrified me#theyre like 'oh hes great once he gets to know you but hes gonna try to find a reason to fire you at first'#'he wants to make sure that you *really* want to work here' like what kind of shit is that???#like literally the past three days my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF because ive been scared for this day to come#but also maybe theyre making it out to be worse than he really is??? but even my most responsible coworkers are afraid of him#idk what im getting myself into and i am just Scared. and im anxious about money too. bc i can only work 6 hour shifts at this place.#sure im paid weekly but its still a lot less than what i was getting paid before simply bc of the amount of hours they make me work#i just feel like i keep making mistakes :( and i cant get myself out of them no matter how hard i try#like im considering going back to my old job if theyll let me back in but at the same time why the FUCK would i do that!!!#that place was a mistake too but unfortunately also the highest paying job i will ever have :')
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i finished pathologic 2 and it was interesting... but also i accidentally slept through the military apparently destroying the polyhedron, and in my ending it's still up there, so i didn't do that right.
i did not see this at the end, it was still up there with the npcs gazing out at it in the end
it was unique, though, even though a lot of it was super broken and buggy. i also couldnt interact with some of the npcs in the end part so that kinda sucked lol
#personal#the npcs spoke about it as if it was gone and i was confused what they were talking about#also i was confused abt everything past the combat cave. all my childhood friends died and i never learned who killed my dad#i rarely spoke to the bachelor guy. i was stressed abt saving ppl on day 11 when apparently just doing this guarantees their safety lol#speaking of that cave i skipped drawing blood the first time and had to reload here and here i guess u get blood too#this game is hard but actually forces u to witness a lot of stuff but also u can easily just skip shit. like ive been doing here
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they should make games easy i thinkk
#ive been stuck at this boss for WEEKS.#on the days that i do try i can maybe get three tries in before i get so upset that i have to give upp#its the fucking 6-legged ball in automata. i got past it the first time after a LOT of struggle but this second time..... goddamn.#i mistakenly saved while the other bots were already there once so now ive also got those to deal with during the first phase which. is fin#but once that fucker goes full ball i cant. i cant.#i cant keep track of it and i dont know its attacks well enough and all those other fuckers are also walking around still.#its so bad.#sillyposting#i could put it on the assisted mode but idk if that'd help since there's so many attackers and i dont know how the aimbot workss#fuck.#i would LOVE to progress past this and do all the fun side-questss bc theyre awesome but. 'story progression' or whatever.#cant have shit here.#and 9s isnt even with me rn god i miss himm...........#PLEASEE#anyway 2b pop up parade released yesterday <33 its cute i think imma get itt =w=bbb#goddamn.....
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"she didnt take much notice of you last time" theyre so fucking cute
#its an interesting space bc what is this like a week after the flux give or take?#which for the doctor also only lasted like a few days at most. for yaz years obviously but#the relief of the reunion + the promise of 'i'll try not to hide things from you anymore' seems to have like. opened doors#plus yaz came out obvs. i wonder if that changed anything on her side but i dont think much?#shes been like this since the beginning but i think theres a little bit more openness here in this ep bc. shes. hopeful. maybe. ouch#but also i think that like there wasnt much opportunity for this earlier like if you imagine between revolution and flux#i dont think they were having a LOT of fun#like frustrations have been building for a While in the halloween apocalypse#theres a tension and a holding back there that i think is relieved a little bit in the sea devils episode#which makes it so sad that it's immediately put back on at the end#bc theyre so FUCKING cute#'have i impressed you yet? :)'#'you cant impress me anymore <3'#its adorable#the doctor trying so hard and yaz being like babe ive known you for 5 years the time for cool first impressions is Definitely over#which is like so much better bc the doctor is trying to catch up and start from the beignning as usual and yaz is like#'yeah i WAS impressed. like the first day. i just love you now'#like yaz has been impressed infatuated heartbroken frustrated and disappointed like. we're Well Past impressed hfgjkghj#and the doctor is like i can win her over!!!#its adorable. i want 5 big finish boxsets of this behaviour#or you know 3 of this 2 of bickering we can mix it up
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