#ive been suffering so much these past two months

[c28hunter]

Do I have a difficult math test tomorrow? Yes

Yesterday, did I spontaneously buy a ticket for a tonight's concert? Yes, I did

I'm in my "I don't give a fuck anymore era"

[thegettingbyp2]

aaa ive never sent a request so idk if i'm doing this right but!!

can i request a billy the kid x a female character who has a terminal illness? like him comforting her after she almost dies due to her condition and it's cute and fluffy

I'm Not Going Anywhere

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You were laying on your bed, your face pale and blood speckled in the corner of your lips. You’d been suffering from consumption for the past couple of months and every day that went by, the weaker you felt. But something that made you feel even worse was watching your boyfriend stick by your side, knowing that this was hurting him too. Billy had lost his mother and younger brother to consumption a few years ago and it was killing you to put him through this again.

You were recovering from a particularly bad week or so and Billy hadn’t left your side once. He was sitting next to your bed, one of your small, cold hands wrapped in both of his big, warm hands, lifting your hands to his lips every couple of minutes or so. He even kept a damp cloth nearby in case you got hot or so he could gently wipe the blood from your lips.

‘I’m sorry,’ you practically whispered, not strong enough to speak any louder.

‘What are you sorry for?’ he asked gently, furrowing his brows slightly as he pressed his lips to your hand again.

‘Putting you through this, I would understand if you wanted to leav - ’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he replied, cutting you off, moving to the edge of his seat to be closer to you, using one of his hands to cup your cheek and stroke your cheek with his thumb as he looked into your eyes. ‘I love you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.’ You smiled at him softly as your eyes filled with tears that you refused to let roll down your cheeks as a shiver wracked your body. ‘You cold?’ Billy asked as he reached to grab another blanket for you.

‘Will you come and lay with me?’ you asked quietly.

‘You don’t need to ask,’ he said, instantly moving to lay down on the bed with you, being careful not to jostle you too much as he pulled you into his arms. You felt your body instantly relax just by being in his arms and his body heat felt amazing against your now-freezing cold body. Burying your face against him, you pressed a gentle kiss to the base of his throat, breathing in the scent that was just Billy.

‘Tell me about what we’re going to do when I get better again?’ you asked. You both knew that there was no getting better for you but you loved the way Billy would talk, how animated he’d get when he’d tell you about all the places he’d take you; it was a way for the two of you to forget about what was happening for a while.

‘Course, baby,’ he murmured, kissing the top of your head before pulling you against him tighter. ‘So, the second you’re better, I’m going to take you out on my horse and we’re going to go for a ride far away from here. We’ll go somewhere where it’s just grass and trees and we’ll spend the day just the two of us, the fresh air, no one around to bother us. And then we’ll get you a horse and I’ll teach you to ride and we can go out whenever you want, how does that sound?’

‘I can’t wait,’ you said, your voice muffled by his shirt as your tears began to track down your cheeks.

‘Me neither, how you feeling?’ Billy asked, lifting your head up to meet his gaze, his thumb wiping away your tears.

‘Tired,’ you replied with a sad chuckle as the sound of Billy’s voice paired with the feeling of his arms wrapped around you and his chest rising and falling underneath your cheek had your eyes fluttering closed.

‘Then go to sleep, love, I’ll still be here when you wake back up,’ he pressed a lingering kiss to your forehead, keeping his lips against your skin as you let yourself fall asleep, feeling safe in his arms.

When he realised you’d gone to sleep, Billy let a couple of his own tears fall, hating that you were the one suffering and not him; sending a silent prayer out that you’d wake up again.

[nhescio]

Okay I have a visceral need for a hannigram time travel fic but instead of the typical Will or Hannibal fix-it, the person that time travels back is none other than Frederick fucking Chilton. Like imagine Chilton wallowing around all crispy and stuff after being human torched wondering what he’s done to deserve everything he’s been through. And when he’s finally okay enough to be discharged from the hospital to go home, an anvil falls on him or smth. And as he’s lying there incredulously, he’s like, yknow what? Im not even upset about this. I think Ive suffered enough near death experiences. Please just let this one put me out of my misery. And as his eyes finally drift shut, he hears an alarm blaring in his face. An alarm from his phone. His phone which, when he goes to shut it off, displays an impossible sequence of numbers— the plastic screen shinning with a date from four years past.

So after freaking out and confirming that he is indeed in the past, (and weeping in joy over his unmutilated body) Frederick does the obvious— he packs his bags, pays a visit to the bank, and gets on the next available flight out of the country.

And then his plane crashes and he dies.

But of course he doesn’t die because that seems to be a common theme in Frederick Chilton’s life!

So he’s jolting out of bed again to that same alarm and he tries not to tear his own face off (not that he would ever actually do that cause he knows how easily he could lose that precious face). And (after a few more tries) since this time loop bs isn’t letting him run away, he does the next best thing— phoning the FBI with a tip so that they would investigate Hannibal Lecter and put him behind bars for good. But of course Hannibal somehow finds out and discretely shakes the FBI off his trail while simultaneously sending one of his murderer protégés after Frederick. And so not even a month passes by before Frederick finds himself dying and waking to that infuriating alarm again.

And he keeps going through different loops trying to avoid being “murder tableau of the week”, but failing miserably every time. After dying for what feels like an infinite number of times, he’s realized two main consistencies. Number one, he can’t personally expose Hannibal Lecter as the ripper if he doesn’t want to be gutted, and two, the sooner Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter begin their weird courtship, whether from Frederick’s deliberate meddling or from ripples of unrelated actions, somehow he’s left with much less blood and chaos in the aftermath. In one incredible timeline, Frederick even managed to only sustain one life threatening disembowelment for three years before accidentally making a rude comment about Will Graham’s lack of a social life, thereby leading to a cold death in the Atlantic.

After this revelation, he vows to get Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter to bang each other as soon as possible for the sake of his own self preservation— going through elaborate plans like befriending and recruiting the FBI’s forensics team, or snapping Jack Crawford out of his obliviousness so he’d bluntly give them a nudge, or even once flirting with Will Graham himself to get Hannibal Lecter jealous (note: that attempt did NOT end up well).

And one day, after a shocked text from his “Sassy Science Matchmaking Squad” group chat proclaiming that Hannibal and Will, lovingly dubbed Hannigram by the group, had spontaneously quit their jobs and run away to Europe together, Frederick suddenly realizes he hasn’t been stabbed or burned or maimed or drowned or disemboweled once! He thinks back to his early success in this timeline— silently high fiving with Beverly and Jimmy (Zeller, the spoilsport, had refused to partake) while voyeuristically watching Will and Hannibal shyly having their first kiss in the shadows of a filthy crime scene. In fact, he didn’t think anyone in their immediate circle had been stabbed or burned or maimed or drowned or— well you get the point.

And as one year turns to two to four to eight with no word from Hannibal or Will except the occasional postcard, a sort of cautious optimism starts building in Frederick’s heart. The years continue to fly by until one day, Frederick finds that his hair has turned a snowy white, and that his legs are too weak to support his aching body. He tries to take in a breath to laugh but it comes out as a wheeze. He’s at the end of the line once more, but this time at the end of a healthy, fulfilling life. His only wish is that he’s finally allowed to move on. And as he feels his life slowly drifting away from him, Frederick wonders if he’s accomplished whatever divine mission that godforsaken time loop had wanted him to complete. It really feels like he did the best he could this life, preventing every possible death on the East Coast by sending Hannibal and Will packing early. Sure, he feels bad for the poor suckers in Florence or Paris that were probably flambéed for a pretentiously fancy brunch, but realistically, those two would always leave a body count no matter where they went.

All Frederick wants now is to pass in peace. With a heavy sigh, Frederick willingly closes his eyes one last time, content to move on into whatever lies in the beyond.

And he dies. For real this time. Woohoo!

The End

[kafus]

hi guys meet scramble. the salamence i have been preparing for NEARLY AN ENTIRE FUCKING MONTH!!!! AAAAA

so okay. i am trying to build a 6 pokemon team to take on orre colosseum in pokemon xd gale of darkness. for the uninitiated, it's basically like gen 3 VGC, but against NPCs with predetermined and handcrafted teams made by the developers. you can honestly kind of think of it like the trainer battles in the indigo disk DLC, but if pretty much all the fights had a full team and some competitive merit. and of course gen 3 doubles mechanics (which have some WILD fundamental differences from modern VGC, but i digress as that's not really the point of this post)

despite getting perfect stat pokemon being extremely difficult and time consuming in gen 3, and basically impossible outside of emerald if you want the right natures on your pokemon, the NPC opponents in orre colosseum have pokemon with perfect IVs and such, so to not suffer you really have to have some Good Pokemon. now usually this wouldn't be a problem for me because i know how to RNG manipulate wild encounters and eggs in gen 3... but there's a catch.

see i've been trying to play this copy of emerald, my new main file as of last year, MOSTLY fully legitimately and as intended by the developers, AKA no RNG manipulation and very little use of glitches. don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to this, i make my own rules and i'm just here to have fun, not to prove myself like it's some sort of challenge run for the internet to judge me on. but as for battle tower pokemon and whatnot, i haven't used RNG manipulation at all, and i intend to keep it that way. i've used RNG manipulation for that stuff in the past and frankly i'm just bored of it.

this is the team i built for orre colosseum. it's first time ever building my own team for gen 3 doubles, so i suppose we'll see how it goes, but yeah. a writeup on it after i beat orre colosseum in the future perhaps. for the sake of this post, the important pokemon is that salamence.

this thing was a fucking NIGHTMARE to get without RNG manipulation. as you may or may not know, hidden power is a move that can be any type and of any base power between 30 and 70, depending on the IVs of the pokemon that knows the move. this is an extremely unforgiving calculation and it's also pretty complex so i'm not going to get into the exact math here. but what you need to know about breeding this salamence is:

bagon is 40 egg cycles. most standard pokemon are 20. they take double the time to hatch compared to other pokemon. collecting and hatching these eggs was excessively slow, even with flame body

dragon dance is an egg move and egg moves can only be passed down by male parents in gen 3, so that is something i have to juggle

the adamant nature has only a 50/50 chance of passing with the everstone hold item as opposed to the 100% chance in modern gens. additionally, it only works when the female parent is holding it (or a ditto, but that's irrelevant here)

there is no way to guarantee the passing down of specific IVs, and there also is no destiny knot to guarantee that 5 total IVs are passed down from the parents. you're stuck with getting a random 2-3 IVs from the parents in completely random fashion

this means that i have to hatch dozens of eggs to even get a pokemon with 3 perfect IVs, even off of two parents that have the 3 perfect IVs, and the process of getting those parents in the first place is a very slow and incremental and random process... WHILE juggling nature and egg moves

the cherry on top is that to realistically have the chance to get hidden power flying, i have to have two parents with a 30 IV in special attack/special defense and a 30 or a 31 in speed. so i can't just get a perfect bagon and call it a day, i have to cross two perfect bagons with all of the above parameters to roll for those parameters to pass down again, and also roll HP flying.

NOW. i made this WAY more torturous on myself. because the easiest way to get HP flying is by pairing two x/x/x/30/30/30 parents together. but knowing that orre colosseum pokemon can have perfect stats, and because of the relative lack of speed control options in gen 3 doubles (no tailwind, no trick room, etc), every point of speed matters. i wanted that perfect speed of 31. the issue? when rolling for x/x/x/30/30/31 pokemon instead, the only way that the type of the hidden power is flying is if all the three other IVs are even numbers. so alltogether, i need the following to happen on any bagon egg, assuming that i've already put together the two x/x/x/30/30/31 parents with a male dragon dance bagon and an adamant female bagon holding an everstone:

all three IVs to pass down from the parents (the way emerald determines which IVs pass down is weird but it's roughly a 1/16 chance for the offspring to be 30/30/31)

the nature to pass down with the everstone (1/2)

all three other IVs to randomly roll even (1/8)

so the odds? 1/256. and that's not even a guarantee that the final resulting bagon has GOOD IVs in its other stats, just EVEN numbers. or 0. they could all be 0!!!!

and the first bagon i got after probably around 200 eggs (i wasn't counting at that point)? a middling 16 in attack, and a fucking ZERO in HP. zero!!!! i was so sick of bagons at this point that i considered keeping it and stopping there on that fateful day of september 1st. BUT I WAS NOT SMART. AND I DIDN'T. i decided i would keep hatching bagon until i got one more HP flying one with the IVs and nature passed down, and THEN i would stop no matter what, just keeping whichever bagon of the two was better.

i actually started fucking losing it. i had to recount the amount of bagon i ended up hatching. i was doing it full boxes at a time, and later on i even added a second save file/GBA SP just to make it go faster. you know how many bagon i hatched?? 840!! for a 1/256 chance!!! dealing with the 40 egg cycles and everything!!!

my friends watched me slowly devolve into insanity as i routinely announced in our game liveposting channel that i was HATCHING MORE BAGON. and FINALLY after nearly a full month of on and off bagon hatching. I GOT ONE TODAY. AND GUESS WHAT ITS ATTACK IV WAS.

IT.

WAS.

2!!!

anyway i'm not even actually mad because i'm just so happy this is over. i was getting so fucking sick of it. i love long pokemon grinds but this was a lot even for me. it doesn't feel even remotely good like full odds hunting and this is the longest and most miserable egg grind i've ever done in these games and will hopefully ever have to do. and yet despite knowing that i couldn't stop myself because of sunken cost fallacy. and being stubborn. so i am glad to be RELEASED from BAGON PURGATORY

i am settling for the 0 HP IV 16 attack iv bagon and i will love her. she is named scramble as a reference to the sheer amount of eggs i hatched on this journey and also the scrambled RNG. and despite it all i am very proud of myself and excited to use her in orre colosseum regardless of everything. but i can't for a while because i have three more pokemon to breed... none of which should even be NEARLY this painful. hopefully. FINGERS FUCKING CROSSED!!

[onceinabluemun]

Wallah all that’s been in my mind the past two months are the Muslims suffering. Seeing so much coverage on Gaza showing how high Iman these people have, and how much they’re suffering not a day goes by. Seeing them I remember there are other Muslims being oppressed. The Uyghurs. The Kurds. The Afghans. So, so many.

They smile and say

"‏حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل"

"‏حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل"

Allah is sufficient for us, Allah is sufficient for us

Even as they look at the blue, limp bodies of their loved ones they smile with so much pain in their eyes, point their finger to the sky and smile. This level of faith; I pray to be close to that strength at least. To smile despite all my hurt, to fear nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My throat stings every day. I open my phone and see new coverage on the genocide happening right now. Fathers pulling rubble with their bare hands calling for their children. Animals suffering. Plants burning. Families, entire bloodlines mercilessly wiped out. I cry. I choke tears back. Sometimes I slap a hand to my mouth to cover the gasp, when I see organs lying in the dust or a child’s ripped scalp. Remnants of human beings that laughed and loved and believed in Allah just like me. The pain cracks me. Not a day goes by where I forget.

And some people are already going “why you talking about it so much stop” this is all thats in my mind. It is the reason I say Hasbunallah Wa nimal Wakeel, the reason why Ive been praying more, making more dua, more dhikr. Its the reason why Ive been letting people go and trusting that Allah’s plan and his justice is near. I count my blessings. I don’t know when I’m going to die. Am I ready to face my Creator? I want to be honored with martyrdom, with the gift of being a Mujahida. I must be worthy of that first. This remarkable hope and strength is the most precious gift anyone has ever given me, and this was a gift from the beloved people of Palestine.

Wallah it’s in my mind every second of the day and in Jannah I want to thank the martyrs and kiss the martyr childrens’ hands and tell them how much they’ve inspired me. Palestine has freed us.

[snepril]

Treatment Plan

Here's a little gift story I wrote on a whim for @crizbn!

Morphostasin Apanthera 200mg tablet Take twice daily, or as needed for symptoms of transgenic regressive morphology syndrome. Chris turned the pill bottle over in his paws, a soft, frustrated growl rumbling in his chest as he eyed the childproof cap. He understood it was a safety measure, but they really could've made them easier to open when you didn't have proper fingers - and it was always the hands that went first. Okay, that wasn't true. His tail usually came in first. Or his ears. Or sometimes his whiskers. The paws usually came after that, but he wasn't going to waste a dose on stuff that didn't even bother him. It was only a problem when he started losing dexterity, and he usually had plenty of warning before that happened! Usually. Though lately, it had been harder to notice the changes creeping up on him, but that wasn't his fault! He'd still be able to take his medicine if it wasn't for the stupid childproof caps. The doctors didn't share his opinion. Every time he had to go in for an emergency dose, they lectured him on the importance of taking his medicine regularly and at the first sign of changes. But TRMS had only sprung up a few years ago, so what did they really know? They definitely didn't understand how uncomfortable it was to walk around without a tail when you'd gotten used to having one, or how bad human ears were, or anything else about being a morph! Another growl slipped past his lips, this time loud enough to get a nervous glance from the man waiting two chairs down. Chris's ears pinned back beneath his hood. He was the only morph in the waiting room, of course, and even with his hoodie and drawn over his head, his inhuman features were easy to spot. His face was still mostly human, but patches of spotted snow leopard fur had already overtaken his cheeks and forehead. His arms weren't so lucky, and he was forced to sit at an awkward hunch with a pair of jarringly animalistic forelegs crossed in his still-human lap, his claws catching on his jeans as he waited for the nurses to call his name. He was tired, his hips hurt, and he'd been stuck in the hospital's waiting room for almost an hour now, enduring both the stares of the other patients and the occasional pops of his still-shifting skeleton. They'd already helped him take his Morphostasin tablets, but they could only do so much when he was this far along - he was stuck uncomfortably half-human until the doctors could see him. Then, just as his patience was nearing its end, the nurse called his name. They led him through the winding hospital halls with hardly a word, and to their credit, they only glanced at Chris's tail once or twice during the walk. It was all routine to him by now - the constant odd looks, the sterile hospital decor, and the familiar ritual of the nurse getting his vitals and checking his records. A few minutes later he was lying in a hospital bed watching the fur recede across his arms as an IV feed a cocktail of antimorphic drugs into his system. Any minute now the doctor would arrive, and he'd have to suffer through another lecture about the dangers of his condition. Sure enough, the doctor entered the room with three soft knocks on the door, and Chris braced himself for the inevitable. The doctor was an older woman, her tan skin dotted with freckles and her silver-streaked hair done up in a loose bob. She held a bulky tablet in her hands, its back covered in stickers of various animals. To Chris's surprise, she didn't seem annoyed - they usually were. Instead, she greeted him warmly, her smile tracing soft lines across her cheeks. "Good evening, Chris. My name is Dr. Chalmers. I'm a specialist in TRMS - the hospital hired me last month to help out with the increase in cases in the area. Are you feeling okay?"

He blinked, a bit thrown off by the friendly greeting. "Um... yeah. A bit sore, but the medicine is working." Her eyes skimmed over her tablet. "Well, I imagine this is all fairly routine to you now, isn't it?" There it was. "Yeah..." he muttered, eyes falling to the floor. Dr. Chalmers's smile softened. "Don't worry, I'm not here to yell at you. According to your record, you've gotten more than enough of that." His ears perked up - literally. "You aren't?" She shook her head. "Like I said: I'm a specialist. We still don't know much about what causes people like you to experience the changes you do, but we're learning more every day. We're also learning how to better help morphs manage their changes. Given that this is your..." She glanced down at her tablet. "...third visit this year alone, I'd wager that your current regimen isn't working for you." "It... is kinda hard to remember to take my medicine every day," he admitted. "And you usually don't take it until the changes progress more?" Dr. Chalmers asked with a knowing smile. Chris nodded guiltily, and she chuckled. "Don't worry. That's more common than most doctors would like to admit." She sat down on the stool next to him, resting her tablet in her lap. "I've treated a lot of morphs over the last few years. I don't think I'd have ever believed anyone who told me this would end up being my specialty, but then again, I don't think anyone saw TRMS coming!" Chris couldn't help it. He laughed in spite of himself, and Dr. Chalmers's smile widened. "Your condition is a special one," she continued, "and it made us re-evaluate more than a few things we thought we understood pretty well. The more we've come to understand TRMS, the better treatments we've been able to come up with. Morphostasin was the first, but it's not always the best. There's a new medication entering large-scale trials. It's not a cure, but it's able to completely prevent changes with only yearly doses. I could sign you up for the trial, if you're interested." "Oh," Chris said quietly, a pit forming in his stomach. "I guess that'd be much easier to remember." If it could completely prevent his snow leopard side from coming out, it'd definitely make a lot of things a lot easier. No more weird looks, no more foul-tasting medicine, no more losing his hands for hours on end... ...no more fur, no more paws, no more tail. Dr. Chalmers leaned forward. "You know, I've never been much of a people person," she said idly. "People are too hard to read, and patients tend to lie even when it only hurts them. That's actually one of my favorite things about working with morphs," she gestured to Chris's ears. "You can always tell when they're only pretending to feel okay." Chris blushed, but Dr. Chalmers waved it away. "It's okay, Chris. You're hardly the first morph I've worked with who felt a connection to their animal side, and I had a feeling you wouldn't be interested in the trial program. That's why I wanted to present you with another option." Chris froze, a flash of nervous fear flaring in his chest. He hadn't told anyone how he really felt about his changes. Did... did she know? "First, however, I need to ask you a question. Do you know what happens if your changes are allowed to progress untreated?" He nodded. Of course he knew - he could hardly go a week without someone bringing it up. "They, um- I mean, I get stuck, right?"

Dr. Chalmers nodded. "The 'T' in 'TRMS' stands for 'transgenic'. It means that, somehow, you have two separate genetic sequences in you - in your case, you've got both human and snow leopard DNA. As your condition progresses, your human cells get replaced, along with your human DNA. Morphostasin and drugs like it reverse that process, but they need enough of your original DNA in your body to work. If you were to change all the way, we wouldn't be able to change you back. Plainly put, you'd be a snow leopard for the rest of your life. So with that said, I'm going to ask you a question that I imagine nobody else has." She looked Chris dead in the eyes. "Is that what you want?" Chris's heart leapt into his chest. She had asked him that. That little question that had lurked in the back of his mind so many nights, that little dream that he'd told himself could never come true. And just like every time he'd thought of it, he could think of a thousand reasons to say no. He'd lose his hands, his voice, any semblance of a normal life. He'd be stuck as an animal - and where could a snow leopard even live in the US? It would be stupid, reckless, irresponsible... ...and he knew what his answer had to be. "...I do, yeah," he admitted, so quietly he wondered if the doctor had even heard him. Yet she just smiled that same gentle smile. "See these stickers?" she asked, holding up her tablet so that the back faced him. "Each one is for a patient I've had in the past. I've met all kinds of morphs over the years - a tiger, a deer, a couple of birds, even a shark! And for some of them - more than you'd think - the idea of becoming the animal inside isn't something scary. It's a big change, sure, but that's why people like me are here - to help. Of course, once the changes are complete, there isn't much for me to do as a doctor. So whenever I have my last appointment with someone, I put another sticker on my tablet to remember them by." She peered over the edge of her tablet. "I think I've got room for a snow leopard on here. Don't you?"

- - - The rest of the appointment was a blur. Dr. Chalmers had, thankfully, come prepared - she had reassured Chris that fully transitioned morphs retained their human minds, and that he could likely expect a full human lifespan even if he changed. She also explained the legal ramifications, and promised to give him information on a facility in Canada that specialized in arctic morphs. It was still a big change, but the simple fact that there were other people like him had done wonders to put his worries at ease. And now he was home. He was fully human again - the ride home would've been miserable otherwise - but for the first time, that didn't bother him so much. Not when he knew it was temporary. As he lay in bed, reading and re-reading the pamphlets Dr. Chalmers had given him, he could hardly contain his excitement. If the pictures were anything to go by, the facility she'd mentioned was a dream come true. It had comfortable living spaces, huge outdoor playgrounds, and even computers designed for animal use! Dr. Chalmers had assured him they had plenty of space, and that she'd arrange a meeting with their intake specialists. For now, all he had to do was wait - they'd give him a call in the next few days. This time next month, he'd be one of the snow leopards under their care. One of them. That thought had been enough to send his heart soaring all over again. He'd never met another snow leopard morph, and soon he'd be living with them! It was a dizzying prospect - scary, sure, but that didn't dampen his enthusiasm. For the first time since his changes had begun, he felt... hopeful. Like he'd have a chance to really be who he wanted to be. That simple thought swirled through his brain as sleep finally caught up with him. As Chris the snow leopard drifted off to sleep, he dreamed of the life he'd soon be living, of days spent running through evergreen forests with the snow beneath his paws and the wind in his fur. And in the trash can across from his bed, the bottle of Morphostasin sat, its obnoxious little cap already forgotten.

[sagelasters]

to whoever stumbles upon this

this certain video popped up on my youtube feed just in time when i needed it. i just spent an hour crying in the bathroom, and i felt like there is a lot i want to let out. i've been into loa for a while, this account was created mainly to scroll through tumblr. i never plan to actually post something but...it just felt right to. the philosophy of our mind and ego fascinated me, multiple philosophers from classical and contemporary times have talked about it, they just defined it in their own terms (Plato, Aristole, etc).

Our world is build on limited beliefs and i know people will call me crazy, especially when i told them that everything starts within us. we are consciousness, we still consciousness without the five senses, what we assume to be true, it will show up on the physical realm. it took me two years to realize that and looking past my doubts. life is hard, i find that living is pain but it doesn't have to be that way. i was born in a chaotic, angry family where bitter adults tried to live through me because they couldn't achieve their dreams. they are always comparing themselves to their friends and relatives, why are other people thriving while we're suffering? i would ask myself that till i realized they had that horrible mindset in the first place.

Their mindset influenced me, i spent my childhood and teenage years shaming my own body. i confined myself in a shell of fear, never wanting to take risks and putting myself out there. i became cynical to avoid the disappointment i already had to face from dead-beat parent and abusive family. now i am 18, a month away from high school graduation, and 4 months away from attending university. i mourned for my teenage years, i regret not realizing sooner. but it's okay, i can start over, i can change my life. it doesn't hurt to try, im tired of holding myself back, im just so tired. persisting in my assumptions despite not seeing it in the 3D, doesn't hurt as much as trapping myself in this cycle of suffering. i know i was built for more, i know this reality isn't for me so i am changing it. i am in control.

if you allow your mind to be a place of war, constant fear and sadness, it'll reflect on your reality. now i know it's not easy to just be happy, staring at the reflection in the mirror, the smile forcing itself on your tear-streaked face. it takes a while to realize, to figure it all, but i promise it'll eventually hit you. when it does hit you, that's when you learn to practice, to make new assumptions.

i know this is pretty long, thank you for your time if you're still reading this. i really just had to get it out, ive been holding it back or didn't know how to articulate my ideas well. but for some reason clarity hit me and i couldn't miss the opportunity. we are limitless. we are not confined to suffering, as much as i am grateful for the life lessons it gave me. we are limitless. be kind to yourself, we were built to care, to be nourished in love for as long as our souls are tattered to this Earth. i know you can do this <3

[sadisthetic]

alarmingly long hanahaki au jaya. i hurt jay quite a bit in this. this is a product of 4 straight days of insanity. im SO ILL. ABOUT JAYA. IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END OF THIS. I COMMEND YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME IN ADVANCE.

once again adapted from a twitter thread. its. like 165 tweets long. yeah. yeah. im lazy so its gonna be mostly copy pasted and lightly edited so if it sounds like im talking to myself I WAS. AND I WAS DOING IT FOR FOUR DAYS. 

anyways heres the start.

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so hanahaki.... jaya.... season 3...... jay is absolutely the guy who gets hanahaki theres absolutely no doubt about that like absolutely none. but the world building tho... how should i handle it.... i want it to be canon compliantish. and more importantly. when should i give him symptoms. what would be most interesting

sure. i could give him hanahaki after he find out about nyas perfect match. but haha

what if he get petals earlier tho.

he doesnt understand why at first, why jay starts coughing up petals, he and nya are dating and in love. there shouldnt be any reason for it. its not bad yet so he just ignores it really hard or thinks he mustve gotten a weird strain because theres now way he has normal hanahaki because theres No Way! haha

so when he hears the truth there in his parents trailer, the roots around his lungs constrict and he cant tell the pain apart from his heart breaking in two. his chest hurts so much and he sees cole and just goes ballistic

just imagine. what thats like for him. hes mad but its a secondary response to the heartbreak. hes had signs literally inside all along but to actually find out? like this? jay cant take it

haha. the double date would suck so much HAHA. he holds it in through the whole duration of the movie but when its over he vomits full flowers in the bathroom

ive been mulling over the worldbuilding of hanahaki in this au of mine. i thinking i want it to be a departure from the standard hanahaki worldbuilding thats in fics. just slightly. mostly regarding the fatality and maybe treatments........ i think i want jay to have hanahaki the whole time until skybound. and so i think im gonna have to make hanahaki nonlethal. but kinda like chronic pain. if you cant let go of that love

im partially adopting another fics worldbuilding but i like the idea you can recover on your own if you simply fall out of love. its easier and less damaging the earlier you give up on the love. the roots atrophy and fade and theres not that much scarring. you can easily recover

but you know...... its jay. hes not gonna let it go. he cant. he loves nya.... i think he hides his affliction tho... because he knows nya doesnt want to get back together. and he doesnt want to look you know.... pathetic? desperate? overly clingy?

“you still hasnt gotten over nya?” “dude come on.” “give it up.” he doesnt want to hear it from the others. because he doesnt want to. 

but also he wants to save face in front of nya. hes scared itll drive her even further away. his heart cant take more of that. this distance hurts enough

so for months.............. he suffers the pain of one sided love. quietly. pretending that nothing is wrong and that jay is okay with them just being friends. of course jay could choose to surgically remove the hanahaki.... but he doesnt want to do that

i think im gonna keep a bit of the amnesia worldbuilding standard fics have. but im not gonna have it so that artificially removing the hanahaki makes you forget the person you love. no.... just the love that you felt. i think jay doesnt want to lose his love for nya..... also not being able to fall in love with nya scares him. hes just that fucking attached to her. he has it bad man. dude has attachment issues. hes so clingy. 

anyways. jay chooses to suffer. because hes that badly in love

jay self medicates on over the counter cough suppressants thats meant for the cold and more normal sickness. works surprisingly well. not ideal tho. he also fills his pockets with cough drops and sometimes makes himself sick when he accidentally eats too much on bad days

he gets sick of them. the sweet icky taste and menthol nausea but he doesnt have that many better ways to deal. its just a temporary fix too. considering that coughing is his body's natural way to get rid of the petals. and hes just letting them sit in his lungs

periodically he has to stay hunched over a trashcan to clear out the petals and yes its an awful experience every time. it becomes routine. the petals scratch his throat on the way out and he gets into tea to soothe the irritation. he becomes a regular at mistake's

in general, his ability to breathe starts to decline and he gets winded so much more easily. the plants in his chest limit his airflow and also steals the oxygen from his lungs. his chest is tight always and aches like theres thick needles lodged in his chest. those are the roots

usually its manageable. but it becomes harder to fight. battles usually end up leaving him wheezing. one of the guys teases him about it. that hes slacking and getting out of shape. he sidesteps that convo tho and brushes them off. he certainly cant be honest

im a sadist so im gonna making him pass out after one fairly vigorous battle. one which he has to push himself harder to make it out alive. so hard that his lungs cant keep up with the rest of his body and even when he gets himself to a safe corner or clearing, no amount of breaths is enough and he just blacks out. he eventually comes to a worried face shaking him awake. ill figure out who and when this is set later. either way they just assume jay got knocked out even though they cant find any wounds. theyre relieved he seems fine

but that was very bad. super duper bad for jay tho. he cant let that happen again. but these kinds of things are out of his control tho. but he just has to deal.

things comes to a head in skybound. i think itll be most dramatic if nya finds out in the lighthouse. after she rescues them and they successfully flee. when they settle and in moment jay cant hide he coughs out a gross mass of petals

and nya has a slow step by step realization of the implications. but before all that happens tho. nadakhan. i dont think he knew jay had hanahaki when he first targeted him. maybe. this point might change

but as it is, for the thought i have, nadakhan learns when jays meds wears off, and hes not even able to pop in a cough drop his mouth. and he vomits a messy slurry of petals onto the wooden floorboards of the deck. its EXTREMELY FUNNY to nadakhan, he mocks jay for it! he has hanahaki! that is so tragic! to think jay has known his love was utterly unrequited and yet he tried so hard to win her back. but it was all a hopeless, desperate, pathetic endeavor. so nya truly doesnt love jay, hm? so shes single and free for the taking. no hard feelings, then, when they marry

up on the ship, he coughs up so many flowers. he doesnt get enough sleep from the persistent coughing. and passes out multiple times, for a collection of reasons. from being knocked out, exhaustion, apnea, running out of breath after several matches of scrap n tap

i think it would be really sad and pathetic if there one incident where he chokes on a flower. and he cant cough it out and he thinks gonna die for reals. a pirate helps him out only to add insult to injury (and to torment him more to pull a wish out of him, hes better off alive than dead)

when hes rescued by his friends, theres no flowers around so none of his friends suspect. jay manages to keep the petals in his mouth, catching them behind his teeth, and swallows them back in. he coughs pretty bad but they all think he just got really sick. he looks awful after all

but thats of course only up until the lighthouse. ive been contemplating about how nya handles it all...... how she feels......... what is the most satisfying route here is much more trickier to figure out than just a fixit skybound au....... 

feelings are trickier and much more loaded........ the revelation certainly isnt going to be an easy thing for nya to swallow..... but lighthouse talk has so much potential....... jay might be honest for once..... because he has to be.... forced to be!

ngl lighthouse part of skybound has been super elevated in my head by favorite skybound fic so my perceptions of it and my own take on it for this au is probably going to be influenced by that. not in the sense im copying scenes but in the sense of like. oh yeah writer IS right, lighthouse ep TOTALLY has the massive potential for big feels and honesty. and revealing trauma/hurt feels. anyways. let me talk a bit about nya and the little dilemma i have.....

so like...... nyas part in the story is so tricky to handle.... because she entirely determines the ending of this story. much more so than in the original canon.....

because the crux of this story is the love between nya and jay... the lack of thereof from nya and the undying love from jay. hanahaki. unrequited love. the story is not just about jay making mistakes and being flawed as a person and being tested as a person and learning and growing his mistakes

in this au, the focus is specifically on his love for nya and how hes willing to hang onto it for so long despite how much it literally hurts him. love hurts. its barely even worth it. but to jay it is. this story is driven by his love. however how it ends all depends on nya.....

and heres the thing.... i know the way the "romance" in skybound was resolved was..... whats the word..... forced? it was insufficiently developed.... i cant recall the exact word i wanna use but it was just. tacked on. nyas change of heart kinda came out of nowhere....

nyas line in the lighthouse before she pushed jay through the portal is honestly inconsistent with her characterization that season up to the point. shes really didnt seem like she loved jay back at all. its entirely because the writers didnt write in those feelings

it takes a bit of creative thinking and interpretation to make jays and nyas get together at the end of the season work. you have to fill in the gaps of the romance yourself if you want it and want it to make sense and have it be satisfying

what i do for my fix it interpretation of canon is that nya didnt actually stop loving jay entirely in s3 breakup arc. instead i choose to think is that nyas desire for independence simply grew stronger enough to eclipse her love for jay

also i like to think nya liked jay more casually than he loves her so it was easier to break off their relationship. if youve seen my dream divorce ot3 slowburn get together break up get together fic (concept) (that only exactly two people know what im talking about). and also string of fate au. ESPECIALLY IN STRING OF FATE AU. then you know. my take on them. ANYWAYS.

the problem i have for this au is that i cant do that. i cant use that same interpretation to have them get together again. it doesnt work. because in this au.........nya really did fall out of love for jay. and having them get together again just like canon isnt.......satisfying

its tricky..... because to make nya fall in love with jay now after she learns he has hanahaki..... if im not careful ill be doing the same thing that the writers are doing. writing a careless romance solely because i want them to be together

and i DO want them to be together again.... but it requires a considerate approach if i really do want it. here..... the situation is this..... nya finds out jays has truly been in love with her for months STILL. and its bad enough he got hanahaki. i think she might feel uncomfortable about that. its unwanted love you know? being the object of someones desires still after you long broke up with them. she has moved on but jay hasnt? its super awkward for her...... but also...............

jay knows that. nya isnt stupid. she realizes that jay knows that and thats exactly why he kept it from her in the first place....... shes also uncomfortable because... jay is suffering because of her. she broke it off with him but its not like she doesnt care about jay 

no she still does. jay is still someone important to her. hes not just some ex. hes still a friend.... and her heart aches seeing jay suffer. her heart twists realizing that jay has been suffering this whole time on his own and she had no idea.

and it was out of consideration for her. its not entirely her fault jay has hanahaki..... but also she does feel a little bit responsible. sure jay messed up a lot recently and all of it is because he wanted to get back together with her and she doesnt like that.... but also..

learning about it put some things into perspective for her. like shes uncomfortable but jay has been hurt and is genuinely hurting still and she doesnt want to hurt him more and she wants to be gentle. so she starts thinking first. before she proceeds to deal with feelings

and so she starts really thinking about it. she was mad. she was mad jay kept so many secrets from them and endangered them all. and that he was STILL attached to her after all this time. shes still a little mad about that but also its subsiding a bit now....

if she really thinks about it.... jay had been respecting their break and her boundaries up until recently. in fact she only found out now, months later. jay actually did do a pretty good job of hiding those feelings. and not only that... his hanahaki.

that. she doesnt fucking understand how jay kept that a secret. ITS HANAHAKI. HOW DID HE HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. ITS THE MOST VISIBLE DISEASE. maybe she did notice jay smothering a cough or clearing his throat every so often but to think it was hanahaki this entire time......

....when did it start even...? she can only assume that it was around their breakup. they eventually have a talk. a really important one that jay cant run away from. it takes a bit for jay to be fully honest and tell her that he started spitting petals when they were still together

she becomes mortified by that fact. and what that means. and she gains a bit of perspective of how the perfect match debacle looked from jays perspective. she really was.... a terrible girlfriend during all that huh.... to nya it felt like a clean break..... but to jay.... it left him pretty raw. 

it didnt hit nya until know how much jay was hurt by the breakup even without considering the hanahaki. jay still loves her despite her cheating on him and making him fight over her because she couldnt decide? it seems that jay doesnt even care about that. doesnt even think she was a terrible girlfriend at the end of their relationship when she very much was. something is deeply wrong with jay (he loves her too much). jay hadnt been the best...... he had been really selfish and self centered. esp with the whole wish thing

but she comes to a realization that she was being really self centered too. its unfair for her to criticize jay for that when the very beginning of it all was because of nyas own selfishness. its unfair for jay to break up over something so stupid like a match making machine

of course part of it was still on jay. he should have still let go. you cant have a relationship in which only one person is in love. but.... she couldve gone about it in a better way. a way that wouldnt have hurt jay so much at the very least

he has apologized for everything involving nadakhan and keeping secrets.... maybe taking on more blame than he should.... nya owes jay an apology too. so at the very least she gives him a proper one. for her own faults

but she doesnt know how to fix jays hanahaki tho...... and to be honest? neither does jay. he tells her this. despite everything he didnt want to force her to love him. he didnt want to guilt her back into a relationship. he didnt want her to give him her pity also

thats part of the reason why he kept it a secret. he wanted to *win* her back. make himself more appealing so that nya would love him again. jay was super misguided in his approach and didnt understand why exactly nya broke up with him in the first place

but thats what he wanted... nyas genuine love. (im ignoring a tiny chip of canon for this. or im considering it a moment of weakness (jays dismay when he learns he cant wish for love). creative interpretation is that seeing his future in the mirror made him too hopeful and a bit desperate) anyways. jay is a hopeless romantic. who is extremely lovelorn. also hes chronically ill like literally. cut him a little slack

anyways anyways. i dont want nya to just get back together with him right after finding out about his hanahaki. its bad romance. it wont taste good. it wont be genuine......... 

as it is...... of course theres multiple options................ but they arent all happy. and i do feel like. a story like this does need a happy ending..... it would be too sad if it remains unresolved. im just gonna talk about the ends that kinda suck first

most unsatisfying but technically still very plausible end: a standstill. nya cant do anything to help. she wants to but she cant return jays love. jay understands but decides keep living with the hanahaki. the two of them keep living in this awkward status quo, knowing.

eventually jays hanahaki gets too much for him to handle and he either dies or nya/the others take matters into their own hands and without his consent, send him to surgery bc hes dying. unethical maybe but they want him to live

its super awkward after that.... but things return to normal and they all forget about it except for nya, where it lays heavy in her mind forever. if he dies its just tragedy. i dont want this kinda of end

a potential good neutral end however can be one in which jay tries his best to simply move on. try to process his one sided love into something... different somehow. because he accepts that nya has fallen out of love with him. he has long accepted that.

but they talk........... and a lot happens (being pushed into the portal, the rest of skybound). and jay has a realization too. nya may not love him in the same way.... it doesnt mean she doesnt love him. she still cares deeply.....

she cares about him a lot as a friend. that love is still worth something. its..... its more than what jay thought nya felt about him. it honestly felt like their relationship get demoted all the way down back to acquaintances, at best coworkers. not technically. they were still friends. but jay felt a yawning distance between them after the break up. its one part nya distancing herself from jay after that whole disaster. its also another part jay keeping his distance so that nya doesnt learn about his hanahaki

whatever talk between them was either just ninja business, surface level casual conversations, or small talk. it was awkward but only when they dwelled on it... (and jay did dwell on it) but in the lighthouse they actually talk Talked about things... about them. and jay learns

nya sacrifices herself to save jay in the lighthouse and he realizes that he still matters to her. the everpresent tightness in his chest doesnt leave but it.... loosens. and he breathes easier for the first time in a while

he still wishes that nya and him could get together romantically. but something about his feelings changes. he feels less lovelorn somehow. his heart still yearns a little. but somehow he feels more okay. he hurts less

and once time turns back and jay and nya share this secret and finally properly reconcile after everything is done. the pain in his chest abates more and more as time goes on. hes not sure if hes exactly cured. but he can live without hurting now somehow

he learns how to live with his unrequited love. and more importantly he doesnt need his love to be requited anymore. because love is love you know? she doesnt love him romantically but she does still love him. and thats still good

they were always a little mismatched in their feelings for each other anyways. jay isnt settling for lesser. nyas love for him now is just different not less. and jay accepts that. and hes content that they managed to fix them. their relationship. hes okay and happy

his own feelings... he doesnt know if they changed themselves also like nyas has. he doesnt feel like his love has changed. but the nature of it mightve become more ambiguous. and it doesnt matter anyways. he loves nya and that will never change

hmmmm i think this became less of a neutral end and more just an unrequited good end. and accidentally poured so much aro juice into it oh my god? i had a good requited end thought up kinda also before this end i just talked about the end first bc i wanted to talk about requited end last

i kinda came to really like good unrequited end........ im still gonna talk about good requited end tho. i kinda want opinions about which end is narratively the best..... even though i only have a confident audience of two

i think requited end is a bit more dramatic..... nya really doesnt know what to do. she broke it off with jay. she wants to fix him. she really wishes he didnt get hanahaki for *her* of all people....

whats so great about her anyways that he would live like this for months on end be just ok with it. she thinks if she was in jays shoes she would long moved on. she doesnt get what is worth the pain and risk

either way she doesnt want to date him out of pity. she distinctly has a feeling that wouldnt actually fix anything. and probably jay doesnt want that too. but also she cant fabricate love

she feels suffocated by just the prospect and it reminds nya about why she dumped jay in the first place. this whole thing reminds nya why she dumped him. jays love was always too much for her. smothering. of course he gets hanahaki. why is she even surprised. if anyone would, its jay. she doesnt want to resent him for it though. hes hurting because of it. and he spared it from nya up to this point and she only found out because jay couldnt help it. who knows how much longer he wouldve kept this secret

but as is. she doesnt know what to do. so they stay in the lighthouse awkwardly together. they were honest with each other but now what? .....actually. curing hanahaki can come later. they gotta focus on saving their friends and all of ninjago first before they can deal with them

HHMMMMMMMM....... i think despite knowing about how much jay love her.... she doesnt really... Get It. HOW he loves her i mean. quantity vs quality. when they were first dating, to her it was really casual. in my mind jay was first attracted to nya shallowly too

but then he fell deeper. more genuinely. and that contributed to a greater discrepancy between their level of affection. nya for the most part has been believing that jays obsession with her is because hes just too clingy and attached. and like he is. but.... its like the product of the intensity of the emotion you know? his love for her manifested in jay in a way that put nya off a little. contributed to the reason why nya dumped him all those months ago.... having a heart to heart gave her some perspective on what it has been like for jay but

thats different from Understanding you know? comprehending... seeing the depth... anyways... so jay had been acting too chivalrous up to that point right? and then nya learns about jays hanahaki and chalks up his behavior to him overcompensating...... a symptom even

nya thinks its just jay trying his best to win her back. she doesnt really have that many reasons to think otherwise. its whats consistent. this all happened because jay wanted them to get together again. whatever, she has decided that shes going to forgive jay for all that, needless acts of chivalry included. even tho. she really doesnt like that. calls it a force of habit and puts it aside. for more Important Things like taking care of jay and taking nadakhan Down

but then they get found and theyre scrambling fast to prepare for the attack and counterattack. they manage to fall into a frantic but familiar routine of collaborative repairs and fixes and asides from jays incessant coughing reminding nya that things are pretty awful.... its nice

she doesnt get to feel that way for long tho. their haven is raided and their prep wasnt enough, theyre struggling, theres way too many pirates and its just the two of them against what feels like an army and theyre on the way to losing and nadakhan is nowhere to be found

they try to stick together to have each others backs but they get separated anyways and they start doing even worse. im changing up the action scene btw. nya manages sweep a bunch of pirates away but doubloon is one of the ones that could actually put up a fight

meanwhile jay isnt fairing very well and maybe worse because he was already injured and also his hanahaki makes it really hard. he fights for his breath trying to hold his own. he gets fucking smashed by dogshank through the floor onto the stairwell below. all the air is knocked from him

and he legitimately cant breathe for a solid moment. hes wheezing and he coughs hard enough to vomit. he doesnt have his breath back when he looks up and sees nya panicking at the sight of him and shes distracted and jay sees doubloon take an opening

jay doesnt even breathe when he instantly fires a lightning bolt from prone towards doubloon. and hes already up and sprinting to nyas side to fill her blindspot.

hes on the cusp of an asthma attack, he can feel it, but he doesnt have the time to worry about it (as if he had any control over it) his chest is tight and his breaths are too shallow and it hurts but he pushes through it to protect nya. hes slipping though

assaulted from all sides, between doubloon and dogshank and all the pirates, jay knows theyre going to lose. mostly because of him. hes dragging the two of them down and why did he ever think the two of them had the chance and why did he ever think that nadakhan would even come (hes not gonna this turned into a full divergence now) and even if he wasnt flagging hard now, he can feel it his chest that hes going to pass out if this goes on for any longer and leave nya to fend for himself and get them both captured and he cant let that happen.

nya is at her wits fucking end she can feel them losing too and nya refuses to think about how at this rate both of them are going down, but she wont let them. but, among the harsh clangs of weapons, the rush of floods, and the cracks of lightning at jays fingertips,

through all this discord, at this proximity she can hear jays struggled breaths and its the most terrifying sound in the world. then suddenly shes shoved to the side and hears a crash and a cry and when nya looks jays sliced through by doubloons sword

then something glows by her feet and nya realizes what jay did. he broke the teapot. clutching at his wound, jay gives nya a strained smile. he says "sorry" and kicks her in before she can object. before the portal closes she watches jay take a stand only to be subdued

she lands in the junkyard with a bad tumble. she just lies in the dust and dirt in shock. it happened too fast. jay sacrificed himself for her? jay risked himself even though he was the one who needed protecting and got himself hurt to pull that stunt.

and now hes in their clutches again. rage begins to well up. why! why?! why did jay do that?! is he stupid! there had to be a better way, they couldve escaped together and regrouped! tears begin to well up as well. nya gets up and smashes a bunch of junk

jays parents come out after that. and nya realizes where she is for the first time and forces herself to calm down. she sorts out her feelings over ednas soup after shes pulled into the trailer..... 

at first she doesnt get it. shes too upset to think about it. she vents to jays parents about what he did. "why did he do that?" and it was meant to be a rhetorical question for herself but edna gives her an answer thats way too simple.

"because he loves you." 

and nya is hit with another rude realization. shes been having too many of those

jay..... loves her. deeply. truly loves her genuinely, more than he cares about himself. its not just lingering attachment. its a deeper, more sincere love than nya could ever fathomed. nya knew how much jay loved her. but at the same time she didnt. she didnt get how he loved her

she feels a way about that. all this time jay loved her this bad? bad enough to catch hanahaki, bad enough to keep his hanahaki, bad enough to hide it. bad enough to *wish* for her love, to suffer, ang to get hurt for her...

she thinks he loves her bad enough to die for her. she really feels a way about that. her heart starts beating fast. she doesnt want to put together why. she kinda wants to cry.

why was she so mean to him... sometimes he deserved the little things he had coming but why was she so harsh. why did she fall out of love with him..... well she knows but also.... she was really unfair to him huh. jay wasnt perfect and he was too much but... she doesnt know.

all she knows is she feels a lot of regrets right now.. and moved by jay what did for her... along with this third unplaceable feeling. 

(she started falling in love again)

its a slow gradual thing tho. nya doesnt place it immediately. she doesnt think she wanted to after she broke up with him herself. didnt even think it was possible.

but eventually nya feels very embarrassed by it when she realizes. because 1) oh my god shes falling in love with him after falling out of love and dumping him? is she shameless? and also 2) flustered because shes For Reals in love this time now beyond the casual kind of love she held for him before. this realizaton doesnt happen anytime soon. probs a good amount of time after everything resolves

so for narrative purposes i swapped jays and nyas roles for this last part of the story only. i think its safe to say jay is not treated kindly when he reboards the ship. in fact i think theyre even crueler for letting nya get away. before he was just roughed up to play with him

a form of coercion to get him to make his last wish. this time theyre taking it out on jay as punishment. nya assembles a rescue party like jay does in canon and somehow rescues jay and she hates the state that she finds him hes in

i think he'll be easier to rescue than nya because hes not like.... nadakhans bride. but wait..... WAIT NO IT COULD HARDER BECAUSE THEY COULD SET HIM UP AS BAIT FOR NYA TO COME GET HIM.... FUCK CURSE MY WHUMP DRIVEN BRAIN!!!!!!!!!! ITLL BE SO MUCH HARDER TO GET HIM LIKE THIS BUT— 

THE IMAGE OF JAY BEING TIED/STRUNG UP IN PLAIN VIEW.... fuck. figuring it out is too hard and i dont even need to figure it out for the romance do i like goddammit. fucking sequencing..... maybe they get their friends out of the sword first.... somehow.

as for how they beat nadakhan..... i havent thought up a good way. i dont think it should go the same way as canon. i want nya to actually have her agency and not take it away again after ive given it to her. 

i however dont know what jays wish should be. thats like so hard to figure out. this end is a significance divergence from canon. oh also jay has been thoroughly gagged so he cant say his wish. and also maybe because the pirates got sick of his coughing. nadakhans goal for torturing jay has changed.

he doesnt want him to break and submit and wish himself away anymore. he has better use in making sure nya comes to him. well he can still break him. its extra motivation. an incentive for nya to be a bit more faster and careless in her desperation to save him. he just shuts jay up also.

also im a sadist. anyways back to defeating nadakhan.... its a little tough ngl! for me and for nya! because this story has diverged so considerably. it cant have the same climax as canon. it just doesnt work. not even when theyre roleswapped

nya cant make a wish. she doesnt have anymore wishes. or hmm maybe she does have one left like jay does in this timeline but i dunno.... technically i could do that bc nya used up her wishes in only stupid ways so its not that hard of a change. 

it changes their game plan in the lighthouse just a bit but in this version nadakhan doesnt even show up so story wise its a nonfactor. they both couldve made a wish and stopped things. but they dont get the chance to do that.

but either way nya having a wish is an option, not something thats set in stone. also i think nya gets a hold of the venom. either jay had passed it to her when he pushed her into the portal or it stayed on his person and was confiscated and nya obtained it because clancee told her about it. which ever works. man is jay doing rough in this au. hes suffering so many consequences....i think as hes bound and helpless, hes gonna have a lot of thoughts... and a lot of regrets

he wishes he never kept secrets, he wishes he didnt make things worse.... i think he wishes nya doesnt come and rescue him. because if she does and she gets captured and nadakhan marries her for infinite wishes then itll all be his fault. again. because nya risked herself for him

so jay hopes nya doesnt come. he wants her to be safe even if it means hes forever captured. its better than the worst case scenario. 

but a tiny tiny tiny part of jay that is wishful does hope that he is rescued. because hes weak. he selfishly wants nya to save him

he shouldve learned by now that his desire for nya doesnt do him any good. but the part thats terrible and in love still wishes for better. he wants to be saved. he wants to be forgiven. he wants to fix things. he doesnt want to hurt anymore.

he thinks he can accept nya never loving him again. but he wants to stop aching in his chest. but he cant let go of his love. at this point its a part of who he is. so even though hes resigned to suffer and part of him foolishly hopes. he wishes

but jay doesnt get it. nya HAS forgiven him. she wishes she has never hurt jay like she did and if she could she would take it back. shes determined to fix things one way or any other. she has to save him or shes the worst. jay never deserved *all* of this.

once she saves him shes going to fix them. somehow.

and somehow they do. with a wish i cannot fucking figure out so SPARE ME. but i think... they dont go back in time. things arent undone and theres damage everywhere. so much repairs to be done. and theres a start to everything

i think i forgot to mention but at the end of unrequited good end, which honestly i think friendship end is a more fitting name, jay and nya hug at the end of skybound when time rolls back. no kiss. i think the same happens at the end of requited end too. time doesnt roll back but they have moment... hug.. but still no kiss. not yet. nya hasnt realized her feelings are changing. actually she might it takes a bit for them to develop. jay and nya start having a very honest relationship with each other tho

nya doesnt want to ignore jays hanahaki and jay comes to a similar conclusion as friendship/unrequited end. he realizes nya still cares for him A Lot as a friend, she cared so much she risked everything to walk into nadakhans trap guns blazin. and he doesnt want to jeopardize their friendship by distancing himself.

he wants things to be normal between them despite his hanahaki. and the funny thing is that... in this end, jays hanahaki gets somewhat more manageable too.... but its for a different reason in this au. lol. lol. because his feelings are becoming requited.

his hanahaki isnt suddenly gone one day because nyas feelings are so ambiguous tho. and when she does finally realize that shes fallen for jay. she actually goes into a bit of denial. for a mix of reasons. 

its not because nya doesnt want to cure jay of his hanahaki. she just didnt think thats a thing that can happen. falling in love again. she was also so very sure that she didnt have feelings for jay anymore before so its also a pride thing she has going on. subconsciously, she doesnt want to take things back because shes stubborn.

and its also one part nya feeling like shes doing jay a little bit dirty somehow (her brain making her overthink in a twisted way) and that she wouldve been toying with jays feelings if she returns them now. after all this time has passed.

is she that fickle? (its not her being fickle) and nya cant quite place why she has feelings for jay again. nya feels like jay probably deserves someone better than her, someone who hasnt hurt him so bad.

nya has trouble understanding herself so she thinks shes being flaky and worries her feelings are flaky also and she doesnt want to hurt jay again with such uncertain feelings. i am making nya feel so fucking complicated and conflicted. FEELINGS ARE OFTEN AS SUCH!!!

but despite nya's internal turmoil, her feelings for jay are very genuine. she might think they are arbitrary but thats not quite the case. well her love is arbitrary as any other love is. but anyways. she fell again because jay did win her over, not even when he was trying to.

his sincere love... his dedication. when nya saw it in a different light it was attractive to her. she appreciates that jay loves her the way he does now. also before (the breakup) her love for jay was a bit shallow. it was just that casual. but now what she feels for jay is more genuine. and more equal. eventually she sorts it out. there might be some of romantic drama to get her to get there though. a bit more accidental hurt.

i had the tangential thought that jay might tell nya that his hanahaki is getting better causing her to go "on no". jays finally letting go of his feelings over for her and nya doesnt want to mess that up. hes finally recovering when she catching feelings again?

of course this would happen to her. shes glad but shes wistful she missed her chance at having a boyfriend who truly cares about her like jay does.... serves her right. .... nya is an idiot lol... jays is getting better bc of her skdjhtrglksdj. anyways

eventually... they talk. and sort it all out. all the hurt and feelings and love. nya opens up and confesses and jay cries about it lol. because this is all he had ever wanted ever since he fell in love with nya. the elation he feels is unparalleled. and tightness in his chest finally vanishes all together and he feels better than he has in ages. of course he says yes. he tells nya things to erase her doubts. and it took a lot of trouble to get here but theyre here now. together again for reals. and neither of them can believe it. 

they hold hands. and they finally kiss

-

I THINK. THATS THE END OF REQUITED END. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT MY THOUGHTS FOR THIS END WERE INITIALLY MUCH SHORTER, SHORTER THAN, UNREQUITED/FRIENDSHIP END? ON GOD. WHAT HAPPENED. ITS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE REQUITED END REALLY NEEDED FULLY BEAT OUT DEVELOPMENT. OR ELSE I COULDNT BE SATISFIED WITH IT. IM A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BY WHAT I CAME UP WITH FEELS KINDA SAPPY BUT I CANT TELL IF IT IS. IM ARO. THIS ISNT MY HOME TURF. BUT I WANTED REQUITED END TO BE ACTUALLY VIABLE WITHOUT FEELING FORCED.... I WANTED TO BE AS SATISFIED WITH THIS AS I AM FOR UNREQUITED END. AND ENDED UP NEEDING TO PUT IN 100 TIMES THE WORK SDJKTUFHIGTLSDKJ. I THINK I ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I WANTED THO...... I THINK ITS OKAY..........

okay. im finally picking flowers. ive been thinking about it a bit while i wrote this whole thing. it wasnt a priority. but i do wanna pick some flowers that fit this story....

had the thought that depending on the end of this au (... i have aus within my au huh....) jay actually has different flowers. different meanings and symbolism.

i want jays primary flower to be an anemone for the record. “forsaken love”. nods. thats pretty representative of jays love for like. 3 seasons. also.... shares a name with the ocean animal. water... small connection with nya... not directly representative of her but it does a little. anemone has a few other meanings as well and i think those can fit too depending on the end. but the primary meaning im using is forsaken love (apparently its specifically the red and pink ones that mean this. please do note all these flower language resources are pretty inconsistent from each other)

tragic death end- anemone (specifically red- also means death), red poppy (remembrance in death), red spider lily (am i going too ham with the death flowers? yes. would jay see this as an ill omen? definitely. however. symbolism. also this bouquet is just So red. with blood lol)

tragic lost love (surgery) end- anemone, yellow chrysanthemums (broken/slighted love), black dahlia (betrayal), narcissus (unrequited love, selfishness), rue (regret), i would add forget me nots if i didnt think it doesnt fit with the colors

friendship/unrequited end- anemone, yellow rose (bros the meaning of the yellow rose is so fucking loaded LMAO. friendship, infidelity (nya), undying love? the wiki sure lists a lot), dandelion (overcoming hardship, growth, hope, and healing, friendship)

requited end- anemone, sea lavender (remembrance/memory, sympathy, i love you), sea holly (independence (nya) and attraction (jay)). okay so i dunno if a bouquet of these would look good together per se but.... ocean theme.... and also i wanted the flowers to rep both jay and nya in meanings.... since this is the end in which theyre together after all....

flower language is fucking hard. but i cant NOT put sincere thought into it. its fucking hanahaki i feel like i Gotta. btw these arent 100% set in stone i might change my mind about them? but i do really like anemone tho.... and tangential thought hgtjbnfjkghl sea holly would be fucking AWFUL for jay to cough up. esp when he starts spitting full flowers. those look like they hurt. just like what its like to love nya (lol). flower that would definitely make him cough blood

anyways..... if you made it to the end of this..... thank you.... this post is literally over 7600 words. thats like a long one shot. this is more like a fic outline tho. anyways anyways.... madness legit descended upon me while i wrote this all. i hope you enjoyed. i did this for my self satisfaction but if other people enjoyed this also i kinda wanna know

holds up a glass. cheers to jays suffering and heartbreak

(og thread here)

[oscpaistry]

Misunderstood.

You and Kylian have been in a relationship for 4 years now. But you feel unheard and misunderstood by him. The media is causing you two stress and argument. At one moment Kylian had enough and he thought it would be the best if you two broke up. But all you wanted from him is to be heard and understood. You went out off the house and told the whole media that your taking a long break and why. About your mental health and much more.

Kylian and you were finally back home from the red carpet. Kylian was scrolling through his phone while you were changing out off your dress.

"Are you actually fucking serious?" You hear Kylian telling himself.

"Whats wrong Kylian?" You ask him while coming into the room he was in.

"Tell me the truth Y/n. Im sick and tired of the lies." He says with a stern voice.

"What do you mean Kylian? What have i done this time?" You say with a sigh in your breath.

"I saw on Instagram that your mental health is at risk again!" He says with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

You sigh. "It is Kylian. Im so stressed and mentally drained. I dont have any motivation to do anything at this point. And i-" you tried to say but he spoke through your sentence.

"Pff Y/n. Don't be so dramatic. You have it simple. You only have to sit at home, do the groceries, model, get clothes, get your nails done and much more." He says while laughing at you.

You look down and feel something in your throat. It feels like you can't swallow.

"Mhm" you say and go back to the bathroom.

"Okay if you wanna act like that and act as if you have so many problems go ahead. Be my guest. But not in my house Y/n. Go somewhere else and cry about it. I dont have time for it. And besides. I dont see your stress and see that your sad or some shit." He says while throwing and bag at you.

Your eyes started to swell up and you pick up the bag. You pack some stuff and went downstairs. You took a glas of water and drank it before you left. You two didnt speak in those 30 minutes of packing. You grabbed your car keys and went outside to go in your car.

You went to a hotel somewhere in Paris. You asked for a room for one. The front desk lady gave you the room card 267. You went up with the lift and went onto your phone. You left the lift and went to your room.

At the end of the hall you see room 267. You entered and as soon you saw the bed you just feel into it and cried.

Your eyes were already swollen and red from crying.

Your phone was going off none stop. You check it and see texts from Neymar, Achraf, Messi and Ramos. They were asking why you were acting like this and were shaming you. You sighed at the messages. Those people were the ones you trusted with your heart. And then in one snap they turn their back at you. It broke you into million pieces. You decided to post on Instagram that you were taking a break bcs off your mental health. This is what it said in your post.

"Hey guys, there is something i want to clear up and say. So the media is spreading rumors around of me. Those are completely not true and are lies. Kylian saw those posts. And because of those posts Kylian and i are having alot of arguments. Im not at Kylian's right now. That doesnt really matter right now. But those posts have me giving stress. But ive been already suffering with bipolar disorder. Ive been so mentally drained fir he past few months it isnt really okay anymore. I havent got any motivation to do anything anymore. Im physically so exhausted. Ill be taking a break from social media for now. I dont know for how long. I hope you guys understand. I love you guys. Im sorry."

You read it again and again. You took a deep breath and posted it. You put your phone in the drawer and went to unpack and to take a shower.

After the shower you went to change. You heard the vibrations from your phone. You went to grab your phone and saw texts off Kylian, Neymar and Messi.

"Sorry Y/n. I didnt know you were struggling with all that."

That is what Neymar, Kylian and Messi texted you. You sigh and leave them on read...

[compassionatereminders]

i guess you could call this a vent or whatever but im going to tell you about something that has been making me crazy lately

so when i was like 3 i took a serious blunt force blow to the forehead. our house had hardwood floors and my brother had left a sock on the floor and i slipped on it and hit my head on the rounded corner of our oak coffee table. it left an inch long open wound and i was completely dazed and unresponsive, but conscious.

here is where i start getting frustrated. my mom didnt call 911 or take me to the ER, she took me to our family pediatrician. already really questionable imo but it gets worse. so ive got this gaping hole in my forehead and im unresponsive right? so what do they do? sew my forehead shut right there in the pediatricians office while i watched. didnt give me any anaesthetic or anything because i was, again, completely unresponsive.

then my mom was like "okay you arent bleeding anymore, can i leave now so i can go see the play i wanted to see?" but at this point im screaming and crying because im a toddler with fucking brain damage and a stitched wound that still hurts.

so she just took me home and that was that. and then for months afterwords she couldnt get me to wake up in the morning so she stuffed my limp body into my school clothes herself and took me to preschool half asleep. and then nobody ever spoke about it again except to make jokes.

its been two decades and i am only now realizing that ive had serious brain damage the whole time. my mom and brother have been shaming and belittling me for years for displaying symptoms of the brain damage that they gave me. my mom calls me a fucking spaz and my brother is pissed because he thinks i get "special treatment" instead of realizing that i need more help because he gave me brain damage. its like the final puzzle piece that explains why my life is such a mess.

and im just so overwhelmed by the fact that my mom and brother are directly responsible for the immense suffering ive endured over the past 20 years. all my health problems, the mental illness, the inability to avoid being abused, its all because of the brain damage. and they keep making fun of me for it. im not even mad im just. horrified. the sheer negligence of it all makes me sick. how many people like me are out there suffering from old brain injuries they didnt realize they had?

its like my brain cant even comprehend how fucked up the whole situation is. which is why im here telling it to you in the hopes that you will agree that its very bad 🙃

This is abuse and neglect on a level that no one and nothing could ever justify and I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. You deserved SO much better! ❤️

[st4rswrld]

am i wrong to think they shouldn't be cancelled? imo i feel like fans are holding them accountable as they SHOULD be. i also dont think the triplets are the most educated but i dont think they are absolutely clueless. nick loves melanie martinez and she has been using her platform. if not all of them, nick at the least as some clue about whats happening. i also personally dont think they are seeing as much. i genuinely dont think they were aware of the boycott(this is absolutely not to be defending them, if they didnt know hopefully enough people comment and they become aware and stop supporting mcdonald's) but i truly havent seen information pop up on my feed anywhere BUT twitter. information i see on ig im seeking out on my own(snd i cant imagine the triplets doing that)and ive seen one or two tiktoks on my fyp. i truly dont think they are educated but that should change. its so easy to look up an article and read about it. but tbh i feel like they are going to sweep this under the rug and move on like they have done with almost everything else that has been "problematic" i hope they surprise me, its disappointing. i think so many people have taken this as an opportunity to make this into drama on twt and its why this fandom is so fucking toxic. making it about themselves instead of the ppl in palestine that have been suffering for this past month AND decades.

i 1000% agree with you. I should’ve worded it better, i myself don’t want them to be “cancelled” i love them (hence the blog dedicated to them) but none the less it’s still disappointing. and your right they will probably sweep this under the rug but i do hope the take away from this is to educate themselves and to also be sensitive about where their putting their money.

[liyahaffirmed]

UPDATE.’

i havent been active at all in the past week, and heres why!

(life update, future posts, success stories, new love 👀, & why everything is going good for me right now)

so basically ive just been feeling really drained and out of energy lately.

but! my mother ordered me a shein haul (which i manifested 🤭, success story post coming soon!) my gma took me on a shopping spree and bought me some clothes toooo, im getting a room makeover from my mommy, dad is giving me some money, my best friend did my hair for free (i did hers too!), I got a check for $100 for a program i did durring the school year (no warning or anything! didnt even know they gave out checks for the program! success story coming soon on that too + a method!) Im getting my hair done tommorow, nails done this week, and im going out for half of the week for my best friends birthday. my skin has also been clearing up after suffering a baddd breakout with really painful bumps!

why?

subliminals, writing out my affirmations and desires and then simply LEAVING THEM ALONE. i wrote down all of my desires & i affirmed for three days straight, “i have all of my desires, my life is exactly like my script.” and then, i stopped thinking about it. I just listened to subliminals in my sleep, i started the playlist with an asmr video to put me to sleep, then have my subliminals lined up in order of most important to me to least important. then i just…went to sleep 🤷🏾‍♀️.

i think what others do is hyperfocus on their manifestations, desires, and affirmations too much when that isnt the method that serves and fulfills them. sometimes you just have to make clear what your desires are and that you have them, and then simlpy let them clear from your mind and let your subconscious handle it from there. All ive been doing for the past few days is writing down my desires or what i want to happen, leaving it alone and letting it fade from my mind, and boom, instantly, they just happen!!

new love 👀?

so, like 5 months ago i had mapped out the “perfect guy for me.” Tall, dreadhead, sweetheart, treats me right, etc etc. the list was titled something like “my ideal boy” and it had EVERY SINGLE trait i wanted in a guy. now, for the last two months i was focusing on my old sp (we’ll call him “jake”) he’s toxic, doesnt talk to me unless i talk to him, doesnt be on the phone with me unless i call him, and said he “doesnt want me around.” so after i did all that hyperfocusing on trying to change him, i gave up, i didnt truly believe that he would change. and i didnt feel like he was worth even manifesting anymore.

so i texted my sister (not by blood) about it, telling her that i was officially #cooloffjake and that i was tired of the way he was treating me, that he didnt care about me, and that i was done with him. that SAME DAY, i was on ft with my sister when all of a sudden she asks if she can put me on with her brother (not by blood) so i talk with her more and more about him, and she added him to the call so she could better explain the situation im in.

as of right not, i, not allowed to date until im 16, he knows that and has agreed that he would 100% stay loyal to me even though we arent together right now! he understands my predicament completely and said has no problem waiting till i turn 16 to be in a real relationship with me 🤭. hes so sweet, he texts me all the time and calls me cute nicknames, and hes a total loverboy. he just makes me so happy 🤗.

whats funny is that i wrote that list and forgot about it after a week! i dont even know where it IS anymore. but this just goes to show that when you let go of things that do not serve you, the universe will send you something (or rather someone) who does 💞.

have a lovely day my (idk what you guys want me to call yall 😓)

- liyah 💖

[andydrysdalerogers]

Presley ~ A Curtis Everett AU ~ Epilogue

Curtis Everett x OFC Presley Adams

Synopsis:

Curtis Everett is a hard working man. As the head of the mob of Concord, he does everything he can to provide for his wife and children. His life is perfect. Until it's not.

After a devastating accident, Curtis is alone with his children and needs some serious help.

Presley Adams needs to find work and fast. Running from her past she just wants to lay low and earn enough to get her out of town. Until she starts working for Curtis as his live in nanny.

As she falls in love with this family, can she stop her past from finding her? Or will her past be the end of the Everett reign in Concord?

Book two of the Five Kings of Boston series

Warning: themes of a mafia lifestyle; SMUT; possessive tendencies; murder; death; age gap; rape

Banners by me! Dividers by @firefly-graphics

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS. Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated

Previous: part Eight

Series Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Seven months later... 

Presley 

I find myself sitting in the window seat of our room a lot. Since that day in Jersey, my comfort is here, where Curtis used to hold me as we watched the sunset or the sunrise. Its where I would read to Evie and Josh while we waited for Curtis to come home. Its my safe place, where I feel the most at peace.  

I don’t remember much after Curtis lost consciousness. I just remember that I was screaming for Curtis to wake up. I felt someone hold me, I think it was Clint pulling me away from his as the othr members of our team rushed to work on Curtis. I woke up in the hospital with Clint waiting for me.  

“Clint?” 

“Hey Pres.” He came over and kissed my forehead. “I’m glad you’re awake. The kids have been asking for you.”  

The door opened just then and Josh and Evie peeked around.  “Mama!” They ran to my bed and climbed in. I cried as I held and kissed my children. They were safe and I didn’t lose them. They held on to me like I could disappear. After a while, they fell asleep on me. I wouldn’t move them for the world.  

Clint took a seat next to me. “Obviously, Blackwood is dead.” He sighed. “Pres, I’m sorry but we found your father in the old playhouse. He left you a letter.” He placed an envelope on the bedside table. “Adam made it and is recovering at Concord General.”  

“What about Nat?” 

Clint went to open his mouth when the door opened again. Nat shuffled in, dragging her IV pole with her. “I’m ok,” she whispered with tears in her eyes. Clint got up to allow her to sit. 

“Nat is good,” Clint said with a smile. “One bullet hit the weak side of her vest and the other was in the vest. Some blood loss but obviously she’s good.”  

“And Curtis?” 

Before Clint or Nat could answer, a doctor came in. “Miss Adams, I’m Doctor Sloan. How are you feeling?” 

“Sore and a little confused.”  

“Understandable, given the circumstances. Your tests came back clear, it think it was just the shock.” He stopped for a second.  “I do have something to discuss with you. But if we want to have the discussion in private...” 

“No, you can speak in front of them.”  

It was news that would change my life.  

I sighed as I looked at the letter from my father.  

Lia,  

It devastates me to know that your entire life and the actions that have happened were my fault and you suffered for it.  It took you being gone from my life for the last six years to realize what I had done.  

I failed you.  

I want you to know, I didn’t physically kill your mother. Charles pulled the trigger after she refused to say where you went. I was angry and I let it happen. I am responsibie for your mother’s death. I didn’t follow her because once I was clear-headed, i knew I needed to do anything and everything to keep you safe.  

I have spoken to Curtis. He loves and cares for you so much. I hope that you are happy with him. As happy as your mother and I were before I messed it all up.  

I’ve left everything to you, Lia. The family will already has instructions to merge with the Everett family. They were very tired of Charles and would only transition if you were listed as the head of the family.  

I hope that you and Curtis have a wonderful life together. I love you, Lia.  

Your father, Mario 

I think I’ve read this letter a thousand times since it was given to me. For some reason, it gives me peace, knowing that my mother’s murder had died at my own hand. I mourn the loss of my father. My head leans against the glass as a tear slides down. All the loss I have endured make my heart hurt.  I look down at the belly protruding from my body and hope that this little one doesn’t have to experience more.  She is the miracle we had dreamed about before... before everything had changed.  

We are sitting where I am now, leaning into Curtis. He is kissing my shoulder before he breathes, “Would you want to have children, Kitten?” 

“With you? “I asked with a giggle 

He nips at my ear. “Brat. Yes, with me.”  

“We have children.”  

“Kitten,” he growled in warning.  

I giggle louder before I turn in his lap to face him. “Yes, love. I would love to make our family bigger.”  

I wipe my eyes, but the hormones don’t allow the tears to stop.  I don’t hear the door open but I hear... 

“Kitten, are you okay?” 

Curtis 

I had been watching my Presley from the door way for the last few moments. I could see she was floating back into her memories. Memories I wish she didn’t have.  

Fuck did everything hurt. That was the first thing I noticed. The second was the noise, a constant beeping. And then I heard it, the quiet prayer being said, begging God to bring me back to her.  

To bring me back to my Presley.  

I felt her delicate skin in my hand. She is alive, crying and praying, but alive. I squeeze her hand a little and she gasps. 

“Curtis? Baby, can you hear me?” 

“Heaven,” i croak out.  

“Baby?” 

“See an angel,” I say before the darkness takes over.  

I can feel wetness on my hand and weight next to it. I go to pat the weight and try to open my eyes but its too bright. I feel the softness of her hair.  

“Kitten.”  

“Curtis? Baby are you with me?” 

“Heaven,” I sigh before I try to blink my eyes again. And then I see it. Her eyes. Her beautiful, red rimmed eyes. A reminder of everything I could have lost. “Presley.”  

“Curtis!” She leans against my arm and sobs rack her body.  

“I’m here Kitten.  I’m here.”  

“Kitten, what’s wrong?” I kneeled in front of my pregnant fiancé, worried that something had hurt her. I ran my hands over her, stopping on her belly as I felt my daughter kick.  

“I’m ok,” she hiccups. “Just remembering.”  

“Why baby? Its in the past. WE made it. We’re here.” After I woke up, I wasted no time to put a ring on her finger. Especially after she told me that she was 10 weeks pregnant.  Our miracle survived her kidnapping and assault. I have never been a man of faith.  But I couldn’t help but send a prayer of thanks that my girls were physically ok. Now, we had to deal with the mental healing that Presley was going through.   

“I know but it scares me because of who we are and what power we hold.  How we’ll protect them. How they will never meet my parents. I just get lost in my head.”  

I knew she would never get over it completely, but she was strong.  She was resilient.  She is my Queen.  However, there were days like today where she had to deal with the reality that hurt her heart.  She lost both of her parents and killed a man.  It was a lot. I had faith she would make it to the other side. “I know sweetheart. But I will never let something like this happen again. I love you.” I kiss her softly.  

“I love...oh,” she stops, clutching at her belly.  

I froze. “Pres?” 

“I think that was a contraction,” she says with a tremble.  

I smile. “Okay, let’s get you downstairs.”  

Fourteen hours later, I’m staring at my sleeping girl while holding my sleepy baby girl.  “Chloe Amelia, you have no idea how much you are loved,” Iisay, swaying to invisible music. I look out the window, thanking the heavens that the birth was not complicating, just exhausting for Presley.  

I finally feel complete.  

I’m putting my girl down to sleep when my phone buzzes.  I take a look since I had annouced my daughters arrival to the Kings and the Don.  

Levinson: Your daughter is beautiful.   Everett: Thanks man.   Levinson: I’m sorry to do this today but I think I’m in trouble  Everett: are you ok?  Levinson: Physically, fine. Emotionally, questionable.   Everett: I’m going to need more  Levinson: Jennie left. We had an arguement and I took it too far  Levinson: I need to find her before he does 

Never a quiet moment as a King of Boston.  Guess I need to make plans to visit Camden.  

The End 

*

*

*

*

*

*

The Don takes a sip of his scotch as he looks at his phone with the latest princess of the family.  but he also sees a message from the King of Camden 

Camden: I didn’t mean what I said to her.  please help me find her.  

He sighed.  He had two kings settled.  Three to go.  

Taglist:

@patzammit

@texmexdarling

@slutforchrisjamalevans

@firephotogrl74

@tinkerbelle67

@before-we-get-started

@bunnyforhim

@alexakeyloveloki

@sunnyhummingbee

@whiskeytangofoxtrot555

@peaceinourtime82

@kmc1989

@saucy-sassy-sparkly

@lokislady82

[aquitainequeen]

Okay, so after much thinking about Shadow and Bone Season 2, I've narrowed down one major issue from which other issues arose, which is: time.

Time affects Shadow and Bone season 2 in several ways, but the four that stand out to me are time allowance, pacing, beginnings, and narrative. Time allowance and pacing rather speak for themselves. Netflix really should have given this season two more episodes, to provide more room for plot, dialogue, character arcs, etc; and others who are far better than me at this have elaborated on the pacing.

In terms of beginnings, Season 2 suffers from the same problem that harmed the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy; the writers had their hands tied about where they could feasibly start it. This impacts the whole season moving forward.

To elaborate: in the Original and Prequel Trilogies there were established periods of time between the plots of the films, so the OT takes place over four years and the PT covers thirteen years, which meant there was at least some room to hint at the building of character relationships between both the protagonists and the villains. Having time skips between the films allowed for hints of backstory to add extra weight; even if you haven’t read any of the (frankly gargantuan amounts by this point) material set between Episodes IV and V, you can still appreciate the knowledge that Vader’s been obsessively chasing down Luke Skywalker for the past three years, and you can understand Luke’s determination to beat the spectre that’s been hunting him across the galaxy.

In stark contrast and by necessity, the creators had to start The Last Jedi almost immediately after the end of The Force Awakens, because they needed to show the fallout of the cliff-hanger that was Rey holding out the lightsaber to Luke; what would happen when Luke began to train Rey, or return to the Resistance, or do whatever; what would happen when Finn woke up from his medical treatment. All of which did occur, but it meant that the first two films in the sequel trilogy ended up covering at most a week to a week and a half, at the end of which most of the characters still barely know each other, and their friendships/enmities don't have as much weight as those in the previous trilogies.

Compare this to Shadow and Bone. Season 1 ended with Alina and Mal leaving Ravka for the time being and Kirigan emerging from the Fold with the nichevo'ya, both of which could have allowed for some passage of time between seasons and Season 2 beginning some months later, as was the case with the books...

...but Season 1 also ended with the Crows planning what they were going to do when they returned to Ketterdam without Alina. And in my opinion this trapped the writers, because by necessity they had to show what happened when the Crows got back and suffered the logical fallout of stealing a job from Pekka Rollins. And since the writers now had to keep both the Ravkan and the Crows narratives in the same time frame, they also had to continue the stories of Alina, Mal, Kirigan, Genya, Nikolai, Zoya etc from this point as well. Which means that barely any time has passed since the battle in the Fold and Alina and Kirigan becoming, to quote Tolkien's Unfinished Tales, 'unfriends forever', and barely a few more weeks pass before the events of the season's final episode.

And the thing about Alina's journey is that it's not a story that can or should be told very quickly, or in a relatively short time frame. Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdoms, put together, is an epic, action packed, violent heist and revenge story. The Grisha Trilogy is a different kind of epic, a struggle to protect and save a kingdom, and even the whole world. It's a story that needs to address the persecution of a entire group of people, across multiple countries. It's a story where there should have been a lot more talking between the protagonists and the antagonists as they try to sway each other to their side. It's a story that should have included resistance fighters and guerrilla warfare, and far more struggles between the opposing forces as they challenge and occasionally dismantle each others' points of view.

It's the sort of story that should be told over months or even a few years, not weeks.

[goodfully]

oh god i cant believe ive finished reading the neapolitan novels already, its over??? ahh okay thoughts on the last book "the story of the lost child"..

honestly i was dreading the last maybe twenty pages bc i didnt want it to end hahaha. its crazy that everything we've read is essentially all for lila. "i who have written for months and months and months to give her a form whose boundaries wont dissolve." ahh!!!!! what!!!!!! to spend so much of the book saying how much lila suffered and feared from dissolving boundaries, how she had been so overwhelmed during the earthquake when the entire world felt like its boundaries were dissolving, and then say that everything shes written is to keep her from dissolving herself... my goodness. "i loved lila. i wanted her to last. but i wanted it to be i who made her last. i thought it was my task. i was convinced that she herself, as a girl, had assigned it to me." wow... you ever loved someone so much... also.. the way lenu was saying how connected they are, that even tho she has written a lot about her own life in these pages, "the very nature of our relationship dictates that i can reach her only by passing through myself"??? god.

i think my favorite parts of the book were all when lenu and lila were so close to each other during and after their pregnancies. i just thought it was so sweet, the way they were basically a family together, two mothers and their children. going to their doctors appointment tmr, taking walks together, taking care of each others daughters like their own.

i have to admit that i was confused by the meaning of the dolls at the very end, but i love that the openendness of the ending was referring back to something unanswered (where were the dolls) from one of the very first scenes from the first book (altho very interesting!, considering how not too long before the end of the book, lenu was telling imma not to believe in the cyclical nature of society). to me i thought, perhaps also it could mean that (assuming its lila) lila chooses existing (with lenu) over disappearing? actually, when tina disappeared and dede had accused lila of losing tina on purpose, i immediately thought it made sense. the first thing we literally know about lila is how she has felt the need to erase herself completely, and tina parallels/is an extension of lila the way imma parallels/is an extension of lenu. lila wanted to erase herself without a trace, and there was literally zero proof of tinas death/kidnapping/existence.

in the same way lila wouldnt be able to erase herself completely without also erasing tina, i think about the idea of how the ppl we love will never truly be erased if we love them? thats why even if tina disappeared, lila cant be erased bc lenu loves her. like how, whether its on purpose or not to keep her mother alive, lenu finds her mothers existence with her in her limp. i think the same could be said about the solaras, who altho arent exactly loved by the neighborhood, are important enough to most ppl in the neighborhood and their power is still felt in the neighborhood after their death. also, i think its a little different, but im reminded of when lenu said something like the many fragments of ourselves are scattered like splinters or something (altho i think the context here was about their children). but no one is ever never really gone, i think.. oh.. i go crazy every time she talks about her relationship/similarities with her mother (the ancestors in her body when she was physically violent back against her mother, and the.. "must i watch you become worse than me?"), and her relationship/similarities with her daughters (her daughters reaching the same age as the ghosts of her girlhood), and every time the imma/tina relationship parallels the lenu/lila relationship.

i was thinking that this book was more of accepting yourself and your origins, whereas the other books showed lenu and lila trying to escape them? perhaps acceptance of the past and the agency you have despite the past that defined you? like when lenu realizes that ninos actions are not attributed to his father, nino is his own person and he himself is the reason he is a piece of shit man, not just bc of the man who raised him. and that part when lenu said that antonios tone resembles the neighborhood, but it is entirely his own. more so when lenu had published her third book and said that only words and stories from the neighborhood were the only ones with meaning, and that she no longer felt she was a victim of her origins but was capable of dominating them and using them to climb higher. stuff about the past and present colliding. it reminds me of when mariarosa said something like, a woman without love for her origins is lost, or something.. i kinda forgot what the context was tho.

oh another thing, the closeness between the childhood neighborhood friends meant so much to me.. like there was a moment when carmen said that lenu and lila are her sisters during that little gathering with the neighborhood group of kids now all grown up just talking to each other... i think theyre like family, they grew up together. when lenu goes in the neighborhood after moving back to naples and is talking to carmen, lila, and enzo again... they care so much about each other. and talking about how much they love pasquale too no matter what hes doing. sobs.

this just reminded me of nino.. (he was there the first time, but whatever! he kinda wasnt.) when lenu makes nino come over, i was so pissed... and i had a feeling something bad would happen while he was there, but tinas disappearance was not what i was expecting.. oh but enzo.. my beloved, he was so caring and attentive, not only to tina but also imma. ahh.. while im on the topic of men, the part when gennaro and stefano find rino, and gennaro had to listen to stefano yell insults at rinos dead body and then beats up stefano while crying that he is disgusted with himself for being his son. it just made me really sad.. these are the two adult men he has and is related to..

tbh francos death sticks out to me mainly bc he said something that i honestly believe and live by, i repeat it to myself to not relapse into whatever mental illness, "it [is] a good rule not to expect the ideal but to enjoy what is possible", but then he kills himself immediately after and it... makes me so fucking sad.

lenu said this only in the beginning about feeling the hostility from her mother/lila and felt estranged from them, but i often think about freedom vs loneliness. i suppose its also something throughout the whole series, with how much she wanted freedom and to escape from her origins, she /was/ lonely. and the time spent trying to be on her own without lila was also lonely. the end of the entire series when she felt her friendship with lila must have ended... that was lonely. i think in this fourth book, lenu expressed a lot more of her love for lila.

anyway... overall i loved the entire series so much... i am so glad i read it finally, its some of the best books ive ever read. im on a trip with family rn and every time someone asks me what im reading, i really dont know how to summarize all four novels all together in a way that explains how good and thoughtful it all is. also i know its adapted into a show, which i really want to watch eventually! i still cant believe im done reading tho.. like what do i do now! ahhhhhh

[spacesymbol]

anyways HI. its been uhh... two weeks since last post but about a month since any actual life updates. so im gonna do... that!

gonna split this one into tumblr specific updates and personal updates since i figure the latter is a little less important to some people. not trying to sound mean there, i get the feeling!

anyways, tumblr specific updates!

the big update is that i completely revamped my carrd. theres a lot more text now, and the layout doesnt look as good on mobile as it does on desktop, but i still like how it looks a lot better than the previous version.

i also added a new tag to my pinned. the tag is just this 📁 emoji, and its sort of a catchall tag for posts about media that i like. since i got rid of alter tags a while ago and i dont really like tagging specific franchises, i figured this works better for now.

my pinned post was also updated to reflect this change, and theres even a new tag guide/explanation!

okay now for the more personal life related updates. theres a LOT you have been warned!

where did i last leave off... right, the delaware trip! okay well i say that as if a lot happened on that trip. which is incorrect.

the only real big thing about the delaware trip was that i was kind of suffering for the whole trip since i had just been put back on adhd medication, and the dosage was WAY too high so my body did not adjust well at all and i was having like horrific symptoms for the whole week. and i wish i could truthfully say that the dosage of that medication is sorted out now but i cant!!!! 🥲

in the four days between the end of the delaware trip and the first day of school i went to a friends belated birthday party... which was the only time i hung out with any of my friends for the entire summer actually. but the party was still fun...!!

the rest of the updates are gonna be school related. since the next significant thing after that party was the first day of senior year.

my classes have all been manageable so far. i think the stress is definitely going to pile up soon with college application deadlines swiftly approaching, but the impending reality of that hasnt really set in yet. it is definitely nice to be taking classes i genuinely enjoy this year, even if the coursework is difficult!

i dont remember how much ive talked about my social standing at school on here but tldr it sucks. i dont have any genuinely close friends or a dedicated friend group that enjoys my presence at all. something something the we should call fiona interview quote... thats basically described my social situation for the past several months.

in terms of theater. hoo boy. well you see, our drama teacher (and shows producer) is on maternity leave. and not only did she switch the order of plays and musicals again (the fall show is a play this year), but she chose two plays for us to do this fall.

basically both shows are one act plays with no real lead roles since the scenes arent connected at all. performances will go like: show one, intermission, show two. and the "no lead roles" thing would be great except for the fact that this is one of my two senior theater productions with this school and i would like the chance to earn bigger roles, you know?

anyways auditions came and went and the cast list was released last thursday. and you will never guess who one of my romantic scene partners is. well. its my ex 😁👍

i mean besides the fact that i have to pretend to swoon over my ex, im really happy with my roles. i got double cast in one of the plays as opposed to one role in each play, and i like the play i got double cast in a lot better. and i only auditioned with two scenes from that play, and got cast in both of those scenes that i auditioned with, so i assume the director really liked my auditions?

also one of the scenes im in (not the one with my ex) is fully just an internalized homophobia turned "dude i think i love you" scene and its just SUCH a good scene. i really like my scenes and characters, i am just rightfully worried about rehearsing a romantic scene with my ex for two months...! but it will be fine. probably

okay this is getting REALLY long but uhhh general not-life-related updates.

undertale day!!! we split a chara less than 24 hours after the newsletter dropped 👍

my cats fifth birthday was last wednesday!!!!!! i could write a whole essay about how much this tiny beast means to me but just know i love her lots okay?

okay. okay. i THINK thats everything i have to say. uhh this is the part of the post where i talk about future tumblr updates and status.

idk. idk!!!!!!!!! the stress and busyness of senior year is kind of starting to get to me a bit so i might just disappear for a few months. or maybe ill continue updates every couple of weeks or every month.

i definitely want to return to posting here as regularly as i used to, but i always either avoid it for some reason or have other things i need to be doing instead. so whos to say how active ill be! i definitely dont know!