#ive been turning over an idea in my head that isnt quite strong enough to be a story or anything. but id love to draw a buncha like

[seaquestions]

i rly wanna make a personal zine one of these days.

[novacxlum]

the wedding planner

in which you’re a wedding planner working on the biggest party of your career with more than a few bumps along the way

a/n: facts about this piece: 

1: this isnt much like anything ive ever written and doesn’t rly sound like me AT ALL

2: its really quite long, like nearly 25 pages in word

3: this is very much based on the jennifer lopez movie bc its SO good

You squint under the bright sunlight as you rush down the bustling city streets; it’s an unusually warm day in southwest London and you can’t help but curse yourself for not checking the weather. If your arms weren’t so full, you’d shrug off your cardigan, but between your phone and purse and binder, you can’t find a spare hand.

“Listen, Izzy, tell Joelle to stop freaking out. We’ll just tour venues tomorrow, instead. Call her and make sure she’s okay, tell her I’ll call them all.”

“Do you still have the list or do you want me to send it to you again?” Your assistant and best friend’s voice echoes tinnily through the phone and you purse your lips. You can barely focus on the question, the heat beginning to become unbearable. Your shoulder is becoming sore from bumping into everyone on the crowded sidewalk.

“Um, I may have it, but can you send me an extra copy just in case?” You fit your phone between your ear and shoulder and you begin to rifle through your binder.

“Yeah, for sure. She also wants to add Heavenly Hollow onto that list. I’ve got their number right here, can I read it off to you?”

You look up from your binder to gauge the distance to your crosswalk and pull a pen from your hair, find a blank page, and say, “Yeah, but hurry.”

You listen to her speak quickly and jot down the number as fast as your fingers will move. Just as you begin to walk across the crosswalk, you stick your pen back behind your ear. “Okay, call me when you get home.”

“Will do,” you grin, saying your goodbyes and listening to her hang up.

You struggle to get your phone out from its secure place. Someone’s shoulder hits yours particularly hard and you grunt as it falls from your arms. You gasp as papers fly around you and you hastily sheathe your phone in your pocket and crouch down, fumbling with your papers. If this weren’t the most important wedding of your career, you’d have left them, but you know there are papers here that Izzy doesn’t have and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let Joelle Christiansen the same wedding treatment you give everyone else.

“Hey!” The word rings loudly in your ears. You barely hear it, still struggling to get your papers back in their spots. “Hey, ma’am!” This time you look up; not at the man yelling, presumably at you, but at the tourist bus hurtling straight toward you.

“Shit,” you whisper, clutching your binder and standing to your full height. You take a step, and before you can get anywhere, the wind is knocked from you. There are arms wrapped tightly around you, but your back slams into the cement of the sidewalk. You groan, still gripping your binder as the sounds of screeching rubber from the bus ring through the air.

“Jesus, are you okay?” A Welsh accent asks. Your eyes, which you had not realized were still closed, blink open. You let a deep breath out and look at your savior.

And, good god, was he a savior. A beautiful one at that. You clear your throat and close your eyes again, your heart still pounding. “Did I get all my papers?” You ask, and he chuckles ludicrously.

“Yeah, love, I think you did.”

“Thank Christ.” You breathe, dropping your head back. You eyes immediately snap open. “And thank you! Seriously, I owe you my life.”

He laughs softly, and as you stare up at him, you become acutely aware that you’re still trapped beneath a strong contender for the most handsome man you had ever seen. You sit up quickly and he falls to sit beside you. “Are you alright?” He asks again, and you let out a huffy breath, blowing your hair from your face.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” The two of you stand, you gratefully taking his hand when he offers it. “Hey, let me buy you a coffee or something. It’s the least I could do.” You plead, still holding your binder close to your chest.

“I shouldn’t,” he breathes softly, and you give him the smallest of all smiles.

“Please. It doesn’t even have to be a coffee, I just owe you.”

“Coffee would be lovely.” He admits. Your face splits into a grin and you hold out your hand.

“I’m (Y/N), by the way.”

He accepts your handshake and the two of you begin to walk toward the cafe just around the corner. “Taron,” The name is familiar, but you suppose it isn’t an entirely uncommon name. You furrow your brows as you try to remember exactly where you’ve heard the name. “So, what exactly is in the binder? If you don’t mind my asking.”

“Oh, it’s just, uh, work stuff.” You chuckle. “It’s a big client.”

“Big enough to risk your life over?” He asks teasingly, sticking his hands in his pockets.

You laugh softly. “You have no idea.” You shrug off your sweater and lay it over your arm.

“Well, hey, I hope it works out for you,” he admits, pulling open the door for you. You thank him, walking into the cafe.

The two of you order, and despite Taron’s insistence, you pay for his drink. As the two of you sit at a table, you begin to wonder how you got so lucky. Sure, you may have nearly died, but there’s a silver lining to every cloud. You laugh at all his jokes, not because you feel that you have to, but because you actually think they’re funny. It had been a long, long time since you had met someone you saw something in, and it felt as though you and Taron were operating on the same wavelength.

With a quick glance at your watch, you gasp softly and begin to grab your things. “Taron, this has been lovely, truly, but I have to go. I’m so sorry.”

“Where are you rushing to?” He asks curiously as you grab your things.

Shrugging your sweater on, you smile. “My best friend, Izzy, and I go to outdoor movies in the park every Friday. She should be getting there by now.”

“Oh, they’re playing An Affair to Remember tonight, right?” He asks, and you cock your head.

“Yeah, actually. Do you go see them?”

“I used to, a few years back. I haven’t gone in ages.” He admits. You grin, stuffing your binder in your oversized purse.

“Well, hey. If you’re looking to reminisce, you are very welcome to join us.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N), I’m not going to be able to make it tonight,” Izzy says apologetically.

“Izzy, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, okay? Next weekend.” You sigh softly, looking to Taron’s confused face.

“I’m sorry, okay? I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I love you. Bye,” you hang up with a soft sigh and look to the man standing beside you. “So, Izzy isn’t going to make it.” You quirk the corner of your mouth up.

“Oh, damn.”

“Hey, if you want to bail, that’s fine.” You assure, and he makes a playfully offended face.

“I could never.” He teases. He offers you a package of M&M’s and you hold out your hand, clutching onto the candies he pours into your hand.

The two of you listen to the music in silence, waiting for the sky to darken enough for the movie to start. As much as you adore the tradition with Izzy, you’re grateful to have what felt suspiciously like a first date. You look over to Taron and already find his gaze on your face, causing you to blush. He inspects you and you raise a brow, a silent challenge. Instead of saying anything, he shakes his head with a smile and scoots the smallest bit closer to you.

Within moments, the movie is beginning.

“That movie is terrible.” Taron criticizes, and you glare at him, nudging his ribs with your elbow.

“It’s not! It’s one of the most romantic movies of all time.” You defend, and he rolls his eyes.

“It’s such a cop-out. The ending would be so much more impactful if they never ended up together.”

The crowd begins to disperse as the moviegoers began to leave, but you and Taron remained seated on the grass. Your thighs pressed together and your hands rest on the ground behind you to hold up your weight, making you blush every time Taron’s arm brushes against your back.

“I think it’s sweet. I like happy endings.” You admit softly, your gaze resting upon the smooth skin of his face.

“There aren’t always happy endings.” He reminds you, making you roll your eyes, looking away from him.

“So cynical,” you tease, making his shoulders shake lightly as he laughs quietly. He turns to look at you, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

“Maybe so.” He accepts, his eyes still trained on you. You begin to falter beneath his stare, looking into his bright eyes and allowing your own smile to take root.

The silence is nearly stifling, and you feel his hand move near yours, his fingers brushing over your own. You let out a breath, the anticipation burning in the pit of your stomach. He leans toward you, just slightly, and you subconsciously mirror his movements. He’s only inches away when you hear a voice cutting through the cool air.

“Hey! We think it’s gonna start raining, you might want to pack up.” Your head swings around and you catch sight of a security guard.

You nod and hear Taron’s thanks, mate before the two of you stand, looking to one another. The air is awkward now that you’ve been interrupted, so you laugh softly. “I should go. Thank you, for everything today.”

“It was truly my pleasure, (Y/N).” He assures, and you grin. You purse your lips, looking to him before booking a thumb over your shoulder.

“I’ll see you around?”

You see him narrow his eyes, but he nods, a sweet smirk pulling at his mouth. “Yeah, of course.”

You turn and fight the smile at the thought of him, and you want to roll your eyes for already being enamored by him, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. It isn’t until you’re nearly home that you begin to berate yourself for not getting his number.

“So what, you just didn’t ask for his number?” Lewis asks, and you glare at your father’s best friend from across the table.

“No, Lewis, I didn’t.”

“Well, did you at least kiss him?” His wife asks. You purse your lips and avert your eyes to your coffee mug.

“I mean, technically--”

“Come on!” You father cries, making you shake your head.

Saturdays were your designated days to spend with your father. Saturday mornings, anyway. It was hard to get Saturdays off with work, spending most weekend afternoons and evenings with brides touring, tasting, and tailoring. It was busy, and most days physically exhausting, but it was worth it. At least, you seemed to think so.

You roll your eyes and take a sip of your coffee, changing the subject immediately. “Anyway, we’re touring venues today, I’m hoping we can finally pick one and start setting vendors in place.”

“You work too hard,” Katherine scolds, and you smile at her.

“I’m not working too hard, I’m just dedicated.” You shake your head, looking to your father.

“Don’t get yourself too worked up over this wedding, (Y/N/N), or you may actually get hit by a bus. Literally or figuratively.”

“Yeah, whatever.” You roll your eyes playfully, laughing softly under your breath.

There’s a soft knock on the front door and you look over, your brows furrowed in curiosity as your father cries, “Come in!”

The door opens just as you begin to lecture your father. “You cannot just let random people into your house, dad. Do you want to be robbed?”

“C’mon, do you really think I’d rob him?” A familiar voice asks, and you blanch.

“(Y/N), you remember Colin.” Lewis reintroduces his son, and you watch him with wide eyes.

“Uh, yeah, of course.”

How could you possibly forget? You had grown up with him; you’d known him as long as you can remember. Lewis and Katherine’s son was, in a way, your first love. For years, you’d pined over the man. In fact, you still felt your heart race at the sight of him. Colin, however, had been several years older than you and as far as you were concerned, far out of your league.

You stand as he approaches you, reciprocating his actions as he wraps you in a tight hug. “God, you look so different! You look great.” He grips your hips and you allow him to push you away as he looks at you from a distance, gripping his elbows. “Really great.”

“You too,” You breathe, looking up at his face. He flashes a grin and you offer a bashful smile, feeling the heat rise up your neck.

“Can you two get a room?” Lewis teases, breaking you from your reverie. You clear your throat and allow your hands to fall, ignoring Colin’s chuckle from behind you as you turn to face your father. You ignore your burning cheeks, giving a convincing smile.

“Y’know, Colin is single.” Katherine admits, a knowing grin on her face and a playful twinkle in her eyes. You make eye contact with your father, who shrugs and stands to get Colin a cup.

“Thanks, mum. Really.” You hear Colin chuckle. He nudges your arm to get your attention. “We should catch up.” He offers.

Your mind immediately goes to Taron, and though you nearly blush again just at the thought of him, you begin to wonder if you’ll ever even see him again.

“Yeah, totally.” You nod, a friendly smile on your face. You can’t tell if you’re accepting because you’re being polite, or if you actually want to go, but you sigh.

He flashes you a blinding smile before walking to the kitchen to meet your father. You sit at the table, glaring at Katherine and Lewis.

“You did that on purpose.” You accuse. Katherine just shakes her head, taking a sip from her mug.

She had been the only person to know of your childhood crush on her son, and though you had sworn to her for years that it was over, she never fully believed you. You hadn’t seen Colin in about six years, and distance had done you well.

Out of sight, out of mind.

But now, Colin was very much back in your sights. As you peer into the doorway of the kitchen and see him laughing with your father, you wonder if it was in everyone’s best interest that you might pursue a relationship with him. After all, he was still extremely handsome. And kind, a generous person since the time you were young children. It was difficult for you to find fault in him, something you had tried and failed at doing whilst trying to get over him years ago.

You sigh, crossing the table to say your goodbyes to your father’s friends. Gripping your cup, you hesitantly venture to the kitchen to rinse your mug and say goodbye to your father and Colin. You peek in the doorway, catching only a second of their hushed conversation before fully stepping in. Colin catches your eye and grins. Your father twists to look at you.

“Hey, love, you leaving?” He asks, reaching out to take your mug. You hand it to him with a grateful smile and nod.

“Yeah, I’ve got to be at a venue in thirty minutes.” You sigh, hugging your father.

“Hey, (Y/N), can I have a word?” Colin asks softly. You look at your father, offering a soft smile.

“Yeah, for sure.”

You watch your father set your mug in the sink and exit the room awkwardly, a small laugh falling from your lips.

Colin watches you carefully, smiling softly as you turn your attention to him. You push yourself to sit on the counter, looking at him with curiosity in your eyes. “What’s up?” You ask, tapping your fingers on your thigh.

“Would you allow me to take you to dinner?”

You try to hide your shock, but you can’t get out many words, so you say, “What?”

He laughs, loud and warm and you can’t help but smile at the sound. “I want to take you out.” He says again. You shake your head to clear your mind and nod.

“That would be lovely, Colin.” You say. You know now you’re accepting because you want to. As much as you hate to admit it, there are still residual feelings for Colin. He grins, nodding.

“Okay, great. I hope you don’t feel that I’m too eager, but how’s tomorrow night?”

This could not have been described as anything but your childhood dream. You can’t help but break into a smile, sitting up a little taller as he approaches you. “Tomorrow night sounds wonderful.”

“You slut!” Izzy gasps, punching your arm.

You can’t help but laugh, pushing her away from you. “It isn’t that big of a deal,” You assure her. “It’s just Colin.”

“But you didn’t tell me about the other guy. What’s his name? What does he do? Did you get his number?” She pressures, walking beside you. Her voice echoes through the eerily quiet church and you want to scold her for yelling, but you can’t find it in you.

“His name was Taron, I don’t know, and no. And we didn’t even kiss, it was barely a date.” You patiently reply, flipping through the pages on your planner.

“That’s kind of a coincidence.” She mumbles, pulling your purse off your shoulder.

Your eyes remain on the papers before you as you move your arm to give her access to your bag. You don’t bother asking what she’s doing as she rifles through your belongings. “Why?” You ask, finally reaching the page you’ve been searching for. The binder was still a mess, no longer the organized, clean collection you were so proud of. Papers were wrinkled and out of sorts, the pages you had lost reprinted just to be shoved in the front pocket.

“Our groom’s name is Taron.”

You gasp and look up at her. “That’s right! I knew it sounded familiar, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

“We’re finally gonna meet him today.” She reveals, and your eyebrows shoot up. She immediately begins to address the silent question in your eyes. “Well, if you weren’t so busy going to movies with handsome strangers and being asked out by literal brain surgeons--”

“Colin isn’t a brain surgeon.” You scoff, looking up at her through your lashes.

“He’s a surgeon of some sorts, who cares? Anyway, I tried to call you last night and tell you, because Joelle told me when I called to talk about the venues.” She finally finds what she’s looking for, a pack of gum spilled at the bottom of your bag.

“Well, that’s good. It’s not often we get this far in the process without meeting the groom.” You sigh, closing the binder. She hands you a stick of gum, popping her own piece into her mouth.

“Well, Jo said he’s been out of town, right? I guess he just got back a few days ago.” She shrugs, handing you your purse back. You pass her your binder to drop into her tote bag, at which she winces. “Jesus H, this thing is in bad shape.” She breathes, earning a playful glare from you.

“Don’t make me feel worse about it.” You groan. You glance at your watch, and as if on cue, the church door slams open, a breathless Joelle rushing through the door.

“Hey, ladies! Sorry, we got out late. Taron is parking the car, he’ll be here in just a second.” She finally reaches you, her breath heavy.

“Hey, Jo. You guys didn’t have to rush for us.” You say, listening to her laugh in your ear as the two of you embrace.

“Oh, it’s fine. He hates to be late, so no matter what I said, we would have been speeding here.” She giggles, turning to hug Izzy. “We can start without Taron. He’ll find us.” She suggests, and Izzy looks at you with a raised brow.

“That should be fine. Let me go get the pastor, he’ll be giving us our tour.”

You turn on your heel, letting out a breath before looking for the office. Joelle Christiansen was A-list; she was, without a shadow of a doubt, the most high-profile client you had ever had. You had been recommended through a friend of a friend, and every single time you interacted with her, you were desperate to keep her happy. On top of that, you were quite fond of her.

You knock on the door, smiling as John swings it open. “(Y/N)?” He asks, a friendly grin painted on his face.

“Hi,” you reach out a hand to shake his. “It’s so great to meet you. Sorry about the mess with scheduling.” You apologize. He waves a hand to dismiss your worries, closing the door of the office behind himself.

“Don’t worry about it, we don’t get too busy here.”

The two of you make your way back to Joelle and Izzy, the voices echoing off the high ceiling. The pastor reaches his hand out to shake theirs, greetings flying around as everyone introduces themselves. You finally allow yourself to take a breath, with the attention off you. With the pastor in charge, you finally feel at ease.

“Well, let’s start the tour,” he claps. Just as he turns around, the door flies open and all four of you turn to look at the intruder.

For a split second, you’re nearly ecstatic, a smile playing on your lips before you realize what exactly is happening. Izzy’s eyes fly to you, and you lean over.

Taron half-jogs toward all of you, your Taron. You turn to Izzy in a panic; she looks back to you, her face twisted into a silent question.  

“That’s him.” You say, the beginnings of a panic attack taking root in your gut.

“Obviously that’s him.” She rolls her eyes, discreetly elbowing your side.

“No, the guy from last night. That’s him!”

“Holy shit.” She whispers, catching everyone’s attention.

“I’m sorry?” The pastor asks, his brow furrowed. Taron begins to chuckle but is cut short as soon as he sees you. He blanches as you glare at him and the sound of Izzy apologizing is quiet to you as you think of the infinite amount of things you wanted to say to him. Your anxiety is replaced with anger and you can’t help but keep your cold stare on him.

“Tar, you okay?” Joelle asks. He averts eye contact to look at his fiancee--the word nearly makes you sick--and flashes the most convincing smile you may have ever seen.

“Yeah, love, I’m fine.” He assures, reaching out to shake Izzy’s hand first. “Taron, nice to meet you.”

He’s too busy introducing himself to the pastor to hear Izzy’s, “Is it?”

He reaches for you last. With a small hesitation, he reaches for your hand. “Taron, hi. You must be (Y/N).” There’s a silent plea in his eyes and you resist the urge to scoff.

“Hi,” you greet curtly, shaking his hand for only a second before dropping it as though it’s burnt you. You spin on your heel to face pastor John. “Right, should we start?”

He begins the tour, the four of you following him nearly silently. Taron and Joelle listen intently as you and Izzy follow from a distance. She sends you a bewildered look, and you mirror her expression; how the hell did you end up here? It’s safe to say you’re in the unventured territory. Izzy was equally overwhelmed, looking between you and Taron.

John rattled on as Joelle and Taron followed, paying close attention to the information he was feeding you all. Taron sends a look back at you, a look that obviously meant something. We need to talk, he mouths before quickly turning back around. You and Izzy shared another look and turned your attention back to the tour.

“Taron, this place is beautiful.” Jo gasps. The tour is just barely over, the four of you standing in the middle of the alter.

“Yeah, it’s quite nice.” He mumbles, the deep Welsh accent echoing off the marble walls. “I just think it may be a bit cold.” He offers. She purses her lips.

“Well, should we move on to the next?” You ask, pulling your binder from Izzy’s bag.

“I think I’m going to run to the restroom, okay?” Joelle asks. You smile curtly, watching her retreat. The three of you watch her wander away, the silence stifling until she turns a corner.

“Can I speak to you?” He asks, sending a pleading look to Izzy. “Alone?”

“Hell no. I’m not leaving.” She snaps. He looks at her with a near pitiful face.

“She knows?”

“Izzy, I’m fine. Give us a minute.” You sigh, pushing her lightly away. She glares at the two of you but meanders away to sit on a pew.

“I am so sorry.” He whispers.

“What is happening? Are you stupid?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You’re engaged? How can you act that way with someone when you’re engaged?” You exclaim. He runs a hand over his face, pinching his bottom lip.

“I hadn’t meant to, not at first. But you’re so lovely, and I just kind of got carried away.” He sighs. A hand reaches out for you, but you pull away.

“You are a literal psychopath.” You take a deep breath before squaring your shoulders. “But this wedding is big for me, okay? So we’re going to pretend we just met, and you’re going to be a helpful groom because if you aren’t, I’ll kick your ass.” You threaten.

He looks at you in shock and opens his mouth to reply. Before he can get anything out, Joelle rushes out from the bathroom. “Okay! Are you ready?”

You turn around with a blinding smile. “Yep! Let’s head on out.”

“It’s been five dates,” Izzy reminds you, causing you to roll your eyes.

“And?”

“And it’s coming! He’s going to ask you soon.”

The two of you walk into the bakery, waving at Joelle and Taron. “No, he isn't. It isn’t that romantic, Iz. And they’re barely dates, we’ve just been catching up.” You sigh, looking over at her. She raises a brow, giving you an incredulous look.

“Then why is he coming today?” She asks, rolling her coffee cup between her hands. “That’s boyfriend shit, (Y/N).”

“He’s just dropping off my laptop.” You defend. The two of you stop a few feet from the table, you in hopes to end the conversation before you sat, and Izzy because she wasn’t ready to give this up.

“Which you left at his house! Plus, you’ve kissed. He’s got a leg up on that one guy.” She says pointedly.

“Fuck off.”

“I’m being honest. Two weeks and five dates, you’re kissing him, and leaving things at his house? This is getting serious.”

“Can we finish this later?” You sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. She nods and walks toward the table, sitting down. You follow, greeting the couple and pulling a pen from your purse.

“Good morning, guys.” You greet, opening your binder to a blank page. “Let’s just jump right into it, yeah?”

“Someone’s feeling productive today,” Joelle notes, her laugh ringing through the air. You laugh, too. Not because you think it’s funny and definitely not because it’s true, but because you want to get as much of this done before Colin got here and you don’t want to have this conversation.

“Well…” you trail off, finally looking up to the pair. Joelle has a friendly smile painted on her face and Taron has a curious brow raised, a silent question. Your gaze lingers for only a second before you look down at your page. “What flavors were each of you thinking?” You ask, looking back up to them.

Taron’s disinterested face watches you as Joelle rattles off a list. You write them as fast as you can, nodding as she continues to speak.

“We’re going to have a lot of guests,” she begins. In your head, you cannot help but say ‘562 guests,’ a thought you had been carrying with you for weeks. 562. “So obviously we’re going to need a lot of it, but I want everyone to have something they want.” You zone out, nodding as she speaks despite the fact that you aren’t listening. Her high-pitched voice echoes through the nearly empty bakery.

“Well, we can sample all of these and you can pick three or four, we can do several cakes or a large tier cake; we can talk about that later, though, so don’t worry about it.” You stand to take the list to the man behind the counter when the bell above the door rings. You turn out of instinct and freeze. “Hey, Iz, you wanna take this up?” You ask rhetorically, offering the list and motioning to Colin.

She turns and makes eye contact before breaking into a mischievous grin. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Hey, Colin!” You greet pitchily, walking toward him. He’s nearly an hour early; he had told you he would be here at ten, but it’s barely a pinch past 9:10. “What are you doing here?” You laugh a little, trying to hide your anxiety.

“Why are you freaking out?” He sing-songs, pulling you into his side. He presses a chaste kiss to your temple and you look up at him.

“I just wasn’t expecting you this early, that’s all,” you whisper in response to his teasing, thanking him as he hands you your laptop.

“The department meeting didn’t last nearly as long as I was expecting. Didn’t think it would be a big deal if I came early. Am I interrupting?”

“No! No, of course not. You’re fine.” You assure.

“(Y/N), who’s this?” Joelle asks playfully. You turn to look at her, a bashful smile on your face.

Colin reaches his hand out for a handshake, gripping Joelle’s hand tightly. “I’m Colin, (Y/N)’s boyfriend.”

Your brow furrows in confusion for only a split second. He reaches for Taron, who watches Colin carefully as they shake hands. “Um, Colin, this is Joelle and Taron.” You introduce, ignoring Izzy’s smug look as she returns to the group.

“It’s just lovely to meet you, Colin.” Joelle winks at you. You roll your eyes playfully. “Would you like to stay with us?” She invites.

You begin to wonder what you’ve done to deserve something like this. Things with Taron were still awkward, to say the least, and even just the few moments Colin has been here had been nearly unbearable. There’s an unmistakable tension in the air, but just a single glance at Jo shows you she’s none the wiser.

“I’d hate to intrude.” He says, looking to you.

After a beat, you realize it’s up to you. You jump. “Oh! Um, you’re welcome to stay, if you’d like.” You say, watching him break into a grin.

“Stellar.” He exclaims, pulling up a chair. Taron raises a brow at you, but you become distracted by the comprehensive amount of cake being delivered to your table.

Cake tasting is not nearly as uncomfortable as you’d feared; Colin’s inexplicably charismatic personality had made it easy on you. In fact, you’d barely gotten in any words in between the rambunctious conversation. Taron and Collin had even built some rapport, much to your own surprise. It had been a rather lovely morning, in all honesty.

Cake is long finished and conversation seems to be nowhere near over when Colin’s pager begins to beep loudly. Around the table, faces scrunch in confusion as he pulls it out, sending you an apologetic look. “I just got called in. I’ll call you tonight, yeah?” You nod, a small grin on your face as he leans over and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips. “It was so great to meet you all, but I’ve got to go.”

Joelle’s hands clasped over her chest. “Colin, it was wonderful to have you. I hope to see you soon.”

“Likewise,” Taron nods from across the table. He stands parallel to Colin to shake his hand again, a kind smile gracing his face as they say their goodbyes.

You watch him exit the shop, a nearly-wistful sigh leaving you. “(Y/N)!” Jo squeals, catching your attention. “He is so cute, why didn’t you say anything?” She asks. You chuckle softly, shaking your head.

“It’s kind of new.” You excuse, beginning to pack your things.

“I have to go to a meeting but I’ll call you later, and not just about the cake,” she winks. Izzy chortles from beside you, and even you can’t help the laugh that falls from your lips.

She leaves, sharing a chaste kiss with a quiet Taron before rushing out of the shop.

You and Izzy are talking quietly about which flavors you liked best, starring the ones you thought Joelle enjoyed when Taron speaks up. “I think it’s rich that you chastised me for being in a relationship when you’ve got him.” He grumbles.

You give him a tired look. He looks back, his disinterest gone as he watches expectantly for an answer.

Instead, you say, “It seemed like you liked him.”

“Well, I did.” He’s caught off guard, of which your a little proud. “But that’s not really the point, is it?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve known Colin my whole life, and our first date was days after I met you.” Taron looks a bit embarrassed, so you sigh and backtrack. “We don’t have to fight like this, all the time.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of exhausting.” Izzy cuts in, ignoring your glare.

“Can we just call this a truce?” You say softly, crossing around the table to stand next to him. You hold out your arms to invite him in a hug, giving him a playful smile. He diverts eye contact but grins, holding his arms out as well. You let out an exclamation and hug him tightly, ignoring Izzy’s soft ‘yay!’

“Friends?” He proposes, giving you a squeeze before pulling back.

“Friends.”

“I miss you guys!” Joelle’s voice lilted through the phone.

“We miss you too, love,” Taron says sweetly.

She’d been gone for nearly a week and it happened that she had the smallest bit of separation anxiety. Knowing the three of you were planning without her made her neurotic and phone calls were coming in nearly every hour.

“You’ll be back tonight, in no time,” Izzy assures. Joelle hummed through the phone, her discontent obvious. “What have you guys done since we talked last?” She changes the subject. The three of you can’t help but snicker under your breath.

“Honestly, we haven’t even gotten to the tailor yet.” You say, your eyes attached to the road.

“Are you serious?” She screeches. You raise your brows in surprise, the corner of your lips turning up.

“Well, Jo, you called us last not even an hour ago.” Taron reminds her. There’s a beat of silence and she giggles.

“I suppose you’re right.” She admits. ”I’ll stop calling, I guess. (Y/N), call me tonight and we can go over it all.”

You chuckle, parking your car. “Alright, I’ll talk to you then.”

The four of you say your goodbyes before she hangs up. Taron twists to look at you, his face turned down.

“Don’t look so excited,” Izzy suggests. You giggle, nudging him over the console of your car.

“It won’t be that bad. We’ll be done before you know it.” You assure him, though you weren’t so sure of that yourself. Tux fittings never were so bad for you or Izzy. In fact, you found they were the most relaxing appointments of the entire wedding for you. It was a break from the usually overbearing bride, a time for you to sit and relax. The grooms, however, never much liked them.

The three of you enter the building, immediately greeted by an older man behind the counter.

“We have a fitting for Egerton.” You inform him, turning over your shoulder to look at the ornate tuxedos on mannequins around the shop. As you check in, you turn to look at Taron, his less-than-enthused disposition clouding around him. “Taron, be a big boy.” You cajole, following the man as he leads you to a separate room.

“I don’t want to,” He glowers, causing you to glare at him.

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to deal with it.” You grumble.

You and Izzy fall to sit on the couch across from the mirror, watching the man fidget as he stood before you. He taps his foot impatiently as the three of you waited for his tux, inhaling sharply.

“Dude, why are you flipping out?” Izzy asks, catching his attention. He doesn’t answer.

He lets out a deep breath. You can’t help but stare at him, watching the wrinkles between his brows as he paces the room. He peers over at you and you snap your attention across the room. You’re grateful for the soft knock on the door before it opens to reveal a kind-looking man with Taron’s tux in hand. You let out a soft sigh of relief as he introduces himself.

“Taron? I’m Marcus, nice to meet you, mate.”

“Hi Marcus, pleasure.” Taron smiles. He gestures to the two of you on the couch. “Um, this is (Y/N) and Izzy.”

“Which of you is the bride?” He asks, and you chortle without thought, putting a hand to your lips when you realize how odd you must seem.

“Sorry, neither of us. We’re the wedding planners.” You introduce, ignoring Taron’s look of surprise.

“Ah, lovely. Well, Taron, if you’ll just follow me…”

The door closes behind them as they retreat to a changing room. “Holy shit, you’re a mess.” Izzy giggles.

Your head snaps to her, eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

“Could you be more obvious? You’re all flirty and the glances are getting weird.”

“Izzy, shut up. We’re friends, it isn’t that big of a deal.” You try to convince both Izzy and yourself.

“I mean, the flirting is pretty toned down when we’re with Jo or Colin, but now there are no barriers and it’s so incredibly obvious that the two of you have feelings for one another.”

You pause, trying to process her words before you open your mouth with your rebuttal. No sooner have your lips parted is the door opening to reveal Taron and Marcus. He holds his arms out, looking to the two of you for a reaction.

“Cute!” Izzy exclaims. However, you inhale sharply, fixated on him. Maybe there was more truth to Izzy’s words than you cared to admit. As he stood before you, you felt your heart beat faster.

He crosses the room to stand before the mirror. “(Y/N)? What do you think?” He stares at himself anxiously in the mirror. You stand, watching as he turns to face you. His jacket remains unbuttoned, revealing his white dress shirt.

Your fingers are working seemingly without your permission, slipping the buttons into their designated places before he turned back to face himself in the mirror. You rest a gentle hand on his back, so light he can barely tell it’s there. “I think you look very dashing.” You admit. He breaks into a grin, looking into your eyes through the mirror. “The legs are a hair too long, but that’s a simple fix.”

“Okay, fantastic. I’ll go change then?” He says softly, eyes still locked with yours. His smile is long gone, so the two of you stand silently for a beat before you clear your throat.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

They retreat yet again, leaving you alone with your best friend. You turn to her with a grimace.

“Oh, you are so fucked.”

“Bye, Izzy. We’ll see you in a few days.” Taron says, waving at her from the rolled down window of your car.

“Bye, guys.” She calls from over her shoulder, walking into her building.

You let out a soft sigh, shifting the car into drive and relaxing into your seat as you began the route to Taron’s.

“So, how’s Colin?” He asks, fiddling with his own fingers. You glance over at him before clearing your throat.

“H-he’s good, I guess.” You shrug. You’re unusually nervous around him after the fitting, and he feels it too. He’s much less playful; the atmosphere in the car is nearly stifling.

“You guess?” He asks, twisting to face you in his seat.

“I haven’t really talked to him today.” You admit.

“What’s the deal with him, anyway? Like, this handsome, charming, doctor man? I’d like to know how this came to be.” He says honestly. He’s watching you intently, waiting for you to crack. You fear you might do just that.

You blow a raspberry jokingly, causing him to chuckle. You glance at him again, watching you and waiting for the story, so you shrug. “I’ve known Colin for my whole life. My dad is best friends with his parents. I guess Colin was my what if.”

“Your ‘what if?’” He asks curiously, cocking his head to the side.

“Yeah. You know, that one person you know you’d never be with, but you can’t get over them, so you just think about them all the time and think of all these scenarios even though you know there’s no chance.” You ramble. You look to him for confirmation. He doesn’t say anything but the look on his face is enough to tell you he understands.

“If you never thought you’d be with him and now you are, why are you going days without speaking to him?”

The question catches you off guard and you narrow your eyes. “I guess it’s just not what I thought it would be.” It’s the first time you’ve said it, and you can’t believe it was to Taron, of all people. “I mean, I’ve created this version of him in my head but it isn’t like him at all. That’s not to say he isn’t wonderful, but it’s not what I thought it would be.”

There’s a pregnant pause as you park in front of his building. You look over at him, gazing as he stares out the windshield.

“I don’t know if I can marry Joelle.” He says softly. You gape at him, reaching across to grasp his arm.

“Taron, what are you talking about?”

“I--” He takes a deep breath, groaning at the exhale. “I wouldn’t feel good about marrying a woman when I have feelings for someone else.”

He looks at you pointedly, staring into your wide eyes. You let go of his arm, turning back to face forward in your seat. It’s what your subconscious has dreamt of hearing. You’ve wanted the confirmation, wanted to know he’s jealous of Colin, wanted to know he wanted you. But you can’t accept it; you know it’s wrong, no matter how much it pains you to talk him out of it.

“You have to marry Joelle.”

“Why? Because we already reserved the venue?” He scoffs. “I love Joelle, but I have never felt like this about her.”

You turn toward him once again. “I hope you know I adore you. But I respect Joelle far too much for anything like this to happen. If I have to keep my distance, I will, but you have to go through with this. You and Joelle were meant to be.” The words sound like a lie coming out of your mouth, but he nods anyway.

“If that’s how you feel.” He says quietly. He opens his door and gets out, facing you one last time. “Have a good evening.”

Before you can answer, the door is closed, he’s walking up his steps, and your phone is ringing. You take a deep breath before answering with a fake smile. “Hey, Col. I can’t talk long, I’ve got to call Joelle in a little bit.”

Things were back cold with Taron and you, avoiding contact with one another at any given opportunity. Izzy had to become a human buffer between the two of you, much to her chagrin. With Joelle back in town tonight, you were praying for things to return to normal, or as close as you could get to it. Your phone call with Colin can’t be over soon enough. You’re feeling guilty and more conflicted than ever about your relationship; it’s the same reason you’re dreading the call with Joelle, but you’d rather get it over with than deal with her questions tomorrow.

You’re settling onto the couch with a glass of wine and a blanket when you call, ready to get it over with so you can laze and watch a movie. She picks up immediately, a sniffle audible over the line.

“Jo?”

“Hey, (Y/N),” she says, her voice thin.

“Jo, are you okay?” You ask, sitting up straighter. You hear another sniffle and your face wrinkles in concern. Your mind can’t help but turn to Taron. Had he broken up with her? Was she even home yet?

“Um, I don’t know.” She whispers honestly.

“What’s wrong? Do you want to come over?”

She laughs despite herself, shaking her head. “No, it’s fine. But I’m glad you called.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m on my way home, and I realized I don’t want to go.” She says softly. “I mean, I had to pull over. I literally cannot go back, (Y/N).” She breathes. For the first time, you notice her car running softly in the background.

It’s unlike you to pry, but she said she needed to talk to someone, so you ask, “Why?” What else could you ask?

She takes a deep breath. There’s hesitation, but she starts. “I was dreading being away from Taron this week. Seriously, I was sick over it. And then I was away, and...I don’t know how to explain it. It was so relaxing. Can you believe that? My business trip was relaxing. I love Taron, but being alone was--” She collects herself. “I kept calling because I thought if I spoke to him, I would miss him again, but I didn’t.”

Your heart soars for a moment before you frown. “Jo…”

“I know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t know if I can do this.” She groans.

You lean back into the couch in silence. What are you meant to say? Break up with him? You couldn’t. Not if you tried. “Jo, are you sure you aren’t just getting cold feet?” You suggest,

“I don’t think so.”

“You two are made for each other.” This is as close as you get to begging, your voice a little softer as you try to reason with her.

She doesn’t say anything for a few moments and momentarily, you wonder if she’s hung up on you. You’re about to check when she says, “Have you noticed the way he watches you?”

You feel like you’ve been kicked in the chest. You had sworn whatever had happened between you and Taron before tonight had been buried and that the two of you were acting normally. “What?”

“I don’t know,” she sighs. “It’s like he’s watching over you. Like if anything came within ten feet of you, he’d lose it. He’s never looked at me that way.” She says softly.

“Maybe he’s just really passionate about the binder.” You attempt to lighten to air, successful for a moment.

She chuckles. “Maybe I am just getting cold feet.”

You breathe a silent sigh of relief. “Are you going to go home?”

“Yes.” She affirms. “Thank you.”

Instead of accepting her thanks, you say, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

She hangs up and you lean back into your couch. A heavy sigh falls from your lips and you dial Izzy’s number.

“Hey, (Y/N/N).”

“Hey, Iz. You busy?”

“I’m already out of the door.”

“Thank god.” You breathe.

“What’s up?” You hear her keys jingle and her front door shut behind her.

“You’ll never believe this.”

Just over a week. It was just over a week until the most important wedding of your life, and you couldn’t have been more relieved.

Today was a rare day off, full of sleeping in and watching television with Colin. Izzy was meeting with Joelle and Taron this morning for some final touches, locking in details before giving them the rest of the week off. Izzy agreed that you needed the week off as well, nearly forcing you to take the following days off.

Lying in bed, you couldn’t have been more grateful to her. The TV is already on and you can hear Colin fumbling around in the kitchen, murmuring to himself. You smile softly, swinging your legs over the side of your bed and stretching with a heavy groan. Colin had been quick to find your spare key and wasn’t shy about using it; when you woke up to breakfast, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

You pad to the kitchen, grinning as you hear him singing under his breath. Briefly, you wonder if Taron sings when he cooks breakfast, or if he ever cooks, but just the thought of him makes you anxious, so you shake him out of your head and enter the kitchen, catching Colin’s attention.

“Ah, you are just in time.” He praises, pulling two plates down from your cupboards.

“Am I?”

“Very much so, dear.” He dishes your plate, handing it to you with a grin. You set it on the table, grabbing glasses and filling them.

“I wanted to talk to you.” He confesses, sitting across from you at the table.

“Oh really?” You ask, beginning to eat. You watch him with a soft smile until you notice how serious he’s become. Your brow furrows and you lean toward him, setting your fork down. “Colin?”

“You know how much I care for you, right?” He asks, reaching to grip your hand softly.

“Of course. What’s going on?”

“I think we should end this,” He admits, catching you off guard.

“I’m--Colin, I don’t--” You take a deep breath, shaking your head. “Did I do something?”

He smiles sadly, shaking his head. “No, of course not.”

“Then where is this coming from?” You ask, slightly disgruntled.

“You don’t love me, (Y/N),” He says softly. He exits his chair to squat in front of you, your fingers still entwined.

“No, I do! Colin, I do.” You try to convince him, getting down to his eye level.

How could this possibly happen? You swore things with Colin were going perfectly. You thought you loved one another. You thought it was getting serious.

“Maybe you do, but you couldn’t love me like you do Taron.”

You’re taken aback by his words. First Joelle, and now Colin? Admittedly, you and Taron had gotten close and you spoke about, maybe in excess, but you were sure it seemed friendly. But as you stare into Colin’s melancholy eyes, you almost feel sick.

“I don’t love him.” You lie, shaking your head heavily.

“You do. And that’s fine; I think we both knew this was too good to be true.” He says softly, dropping your hand to cup your face, his thumb rubbing lightly under your eye.

Behind your eyes, stings and your throat feels dry as a tear falls from your eye to his thumb. “I’m sorry, Colin.”

“It’s okay, (Y/N/N).”

Your eyes close, reveling in his touch. After all, you knew this would be the last time.

“We’re not getting married.”

The words make Izzy choke on her tea, groaning when she feels it shoot up her nose.

“I’m sorry, what?” She inquires, staring across the table at the pair. She feels like a child with separated parents, but they could still pass as a couple when they look at one another with knowing smiles.

“Izzy, you and (Y/N) have been so amazing throughout this process and I genuinely consider you my good friends,” Joelle assures.

“But,” Taron’s voice cuts in and captures Izzy’s attention, “we want different things. This is very mutual, and we still love one another, but getting married is not the right move for us.”

“You guys are still getting paid, so don’t worry--”

“I’m not worried about the payment! I’m worried about you.” Izzy exclaims, looking into Joelle’s concerned eyes. “I mean, you guys seemed so happy. Where did this come from?”

Again, a knowing look is shared between the two across from her. Joelle’s smooth, small hand reaches across the table to grip Izzy’s with a soft smile akin to a mother’s.

“It’s been a long time since I was alone. I forgot how good I am at it, how much I like it. As for Taron…” she trails off, her left eye dropping into a wink. Izzy’s eyes narrow as she looks at the man, who gives her a bashful smile, his hands releasing one another and thrown up as if to say, ‘what can I tell you?’ “I think they’re much more suited for another than he and I ever have been.” She admits.

Izzy’s head is spinning, unable to wrap her mind around the information being thrown at her.

“She told you?” Izzy asks softly. “(Y/N) told you?”

“Told me what?” He inquires, the wrinkles between his brows appearing.

“That she’s in love with you.”

“She’s in love with me?” He gapes. Izzy’s mouth forms an O, a hand coming up to cover it.

“I told you!” Joelle squeals excitedly, punching Taron’s arm.

“She didn’t tell you?” Izzy groans, her hands on her cheeks.

Taron stands, a confident smile tugging at his lips. “Ladies, if you’ll excuse me.” He shrugs on his jacket. He looks at Joelle with a nostalgic smile before squeezing Izzy’s shoulder and rushing through the doors.

There’s only a beat of silence before Izzy turns to Joelle and offers, “This must be terribly uncomfortable for you.”

Joelle only shakes her head, a wistful smile on her lips as she stares at the doors.

The knock on your front door is the first thing to get you off your couch. You can barely move. First Colin, then Joelle? This was meant to be a relaxing day off. Instead, you feel as though your world may be collapsing. Despite Jo’s assurances that she couldn’t have been less upset, that she still loves you, you feel sick.

You swing the door open to reveal your best friend. “Did you hear?” She asks in lieu of a greeting.

“I just got off the phone with her.”

“Holy shit!” She exclaims, pushing past you to get into your apartment. “Hey, where’s Colin?”

You wince softly, shrugging. “We broke up.”

Izzy gapes at you. “Why?”

“Because he thinks I’m in love with Taron.” You groan, dropping onto the couch yet again.

“You are.” She reminds you, earning a glare from you. She sits beside you, rubbing your back comfortingly. “You know what will make you feel better?”

“Dying?” You ask facetiously, the eye roll from Izzy glaringly obvious.

“The park is playing About Time tonight.”

Despite yourself, you can’t help but gasp. “Really?”

“You wanna go?”

The park is less than crowded tonight, which means the two of you get a great spot, the thick blanket laid over the grass less than five rows from the front. It’s a much-needed distraction from the hot mess that is your life at the moment.

“Are you going to call Taron?” Izzy asks, the two of you ignoring the previews.

You sigh softly, picking at the grass near your hand. “I don’t know. I’m afraid it’s too soon.” You admit, turning to face her.

“Are you kidding? This dude canceled his wedding for you, I don’t think it’s soon enough.”

You groan, your head falling back. “Don’t remind me. I mean, I guess--”

“(Y/N!)”

The Welsh accent calls through the park, echoing over the heads of the patrons. Izzy’s head snaps toward you, a grin spreading over her face. “I don’t think he thinks it’s too soon.”

You spin around, but can’t see him. The sky is dark, making it difficult to see anything behind you. You’re straining your eyes to find him as he continues to call your name until Izzy slaps your calf. You look down at her, twisting when she gestures toward the screen.

There he stands, smack in the middle of the screen. Taron’s voice is still reverberating around the field and you can’t help but laugh when those around you begin to call your name. “Go over there, dude!” Izzy cries, reaching to push you toward him.

You take a hesitant step, enough movement to catch his attention. He doesn’t say anything, just watching as you speed to get to him. Within seconds, you’re standing before him. The two of you stand in front of one another for only a moment before your arms are thrown around his neck, his wrapped tightly around your waist. “Did Joelle tell you?” He asks, and you can only nod against him. “I don’t even care about Colin, (Y/N). Marry him, for all I care. But I want you to know I love you.”

“Colin and I are done. Because I’m in love with you.”

A face-splitting grin overtakes him and he pulls you closer, leaning down until your lips are connected. You lean into his body, the passion behind the kiss causing you to wobble. His lips work against yours, a hand raising from your waist to your face, caressing your skin gently. He pulls away, resting his forehead against yours with a sigh of relief. You grin, pressing another kiss to his lips.

“Maybe you aren’t so cynical after all.”

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[gaygwenpool]

*slams fists on table* MYSTELEON

I knew you wouldnt disappoint! :D  tho you already know most of these lmaoo  lotsa credit to @herbofoo anyway, i dont remember which of these you came up with but Patchwork wouldnt be the same without your Good Good Content! (And of course thanks for all your patience as i cry about comics lmao)

I’ve lost all shame long since ive started shipping them so brace yourself for the self-indulgent cheese that is Chameleon/Mysterio in my Patchwork verse. (its reallly. really Melodramatic. i gave up all pretense.. also under the cut cuz its long..)

ask meme

Who cooks:

Mysterio! Although Chameleon is objectively The Superior Cook thanks to the long years of being a servant to picky russian nobility BUT exactly because of that, he really doesnt enjoy it, even less when cooking for others and not just himself. So it is usually Beck who prepares meals (that are not bad either, they are just simpler) but as often as they can, they eat out. That said, Cham is very well aware Quentin loves his cooking so sometimes, he makes them something. (Being sick isnt so bad when it means Chammy bringin you a big bowl of hot borscht :)

On the other hand, Cham has quite a sweet tooth which Q notices Fast and decides to learn how to bake. It took more effort and failed tries than it could have, mostly because he got cocky, how hard could this be and just. kept forgetting he put stuff in the oven.. But now he makes quite delicious cookies n cakes which make Dmitri almost tear up because tasty + Quentin baked something Specifically for him?? 

Who does the laundry and other chores:

Mysterio’s laundry is usually booby trapped so he has to clean it himself and he doesnt even let Cham near it. And he keeps forgetting gadgets in his civvies. Not to mention that again, for the same servant reason, Cham really doesnt enjoy house chores in general, so he usually just gets his own clothes cleaned somewhere else (especially since his fancy suits and even fancier gowns are the highest quality and delicate materials, he doesnt even Know how to clean them..) 

As for the rest of the chores, its pretty balanced, although Cham has more of an eye for things that needs to be cleaned up (and Beck already has cooking duties) so he does a tad more. 

How many children do they have + Any pets:

In my Patchwork universe there’s a whole Thing about Leon, the Chameleon of the Ultimate universe but I’ve tried to type up a short summary and failed, it’s a long story lmao ^^;; and anyway he isnt exactly their kid, he is just much younger than them and they ended up sorta mentoring him. 

However, they have Celavi, the escaped ex-spy beluga.(Yes, it started as a joke based on this post that accidentally grew more and more serious until @herbofoo and me were too attached to let it go) She counts pretty much as their adopted daughter that they both spoil to hell and back, I mean no surprise, she saved Cham’s life once and sometimes, she helps out with heists. (Mostly for the show, you should have SEEN the look on Spider’s face when a beluga splashed him. He is used to humanoid sharks, to Hydroman.. not like. real life beluga that LAUGHS at him) Beck’s voice: “Dont you dare to insult her, SHE IS PERFECT AND FLAWLESS and A GOODNESS INCARNATE!! -she is literally a deserted russian spy that was trained to gather everything that could be used to harm USA-yea, i have a soft spot for those ;)“

She was always surprisingly clever so she never really counted as a “pet” and at one point, she even bonds with a symbiote (together they are Vague, again long story ah ha). They dont talk but have quite some range of vocalisations so communication isnt a problem. 

Who’s more dominant: 

They both have pretty dominant strong personalities (ok chameleon’s a bit more complicated with that but like.) with big egos who dont like others questioning their superiority. (Of course not at the level of like Doc Ock etc, they are surprisingly flexible and good team players that can be willing to let someone else take the spotlight if they are Nice) But the whole point of their relationship is that neither of them is dominant over the other, they get enough of that literally everywhere else. It’s very reassuring to be so sure that they are on equal footing, cooperating, no hidden nooses around their neck. Especially in their line of work of course! 

(Also, for the other interpretation of this question: anythin remotely sexual happens Pretty Late in the story and both of them are somewhere on the ace spectrum so it doesnt happen that often but they are both verses tho Beck bottoms more)

Favorite nonsexual activity:

MOVIES!! Sprawled on the giant comfy couch, closer than technically needed, cuddling and watching old movies with great special effects and/or great actors! Listening to Beck excitedly rant through the most dramatic speech of the story as he explains how the next cliffhanger is done with hydraulics! Focusing so hard on the stars in his eyes and his excited tone and gestures and just the tone of his voice you forgot to listen to the words themselves! Watching Cham’s face flawlessly mimic the faces on the screen in a blink of an eye and secretly guessing which one will he pick next. Feeling his head slowly fall on your shoulder, eyes closed, his mask smooth but not tense, instead just.. peaceful. Slight ping of annoyance, after all, this is A Classic movie dammit, but it’s gone in a second because Mitya hasnt slept since thursday and you are just relieved he is finally getting his rest. Feeling his warmth under your hand on his shoulders and suddenly never ever wanting to get up again.. EHM. anyway

PLANING HEISTS TOGETHER!! and more or less successfully executing them but planning is actually even more fun aside from the Big Reveals and Entrances which are actually harder to coordinate than one would think! 

Lots of shobiz/job talk actually, they really enjoy what they do! Lots of people already mentioned that in their hc compilations but i agree, they love goin to see all kinds of movies and plays and performances as well as acting various scenes with one another!  

Their favorite place to be together:

NEW YORK CITY BABEYY. Sure they love to travel and see other countries (and cause mayhem there) but.. they love their mess of a city, it’s never the same without the webhead around as well as the bazillion of other heroes n villains bashin each other’s heads. 

Any traditions:

Oh so many pop culture references and inside jokes, oh my god. One time, they spent the entire heist (and its planning period) speaking strictly in famous movie lines and titles, Max and other sixers tried to join but didnt last too long :’D 

Beck also has a habit of taking pictures of people with Interesting faces or styles he sees and sends them to Cham. Also another fanon classic: together they have a running game, disguising themselves as moderately famous people and the other guessing who..

Their “song”:

‘This is me’ from the Greatest Showman, i just live for the two of them singin it in Cham’s car,off key but fully immersed and living it. 

What they do for each other on holidays:

Neither of them are religious but that doesnt stop Beck from going ALL OUT at any opportunity, Sin Six doesn’t do any heists around holidays because you Know he’d make them dress for the occasion or worse, write them themed lines…  They still meet for Christmas and Hanukkah and sometimes other holidays too because this is my AU and you can pry festivities-related shenanigans from my cold, cold hands. It’s always at Beck’s place tho because he can turn his hideout into the tackiest holiday-themed showcase but he aint roping them into it.  

On the other hand, Cham despises American commercialized holidays in general and Christmas time especially, since it’s not a big thing in Russia and  also once again, he has family issues for days. (Although relatively speaking, he is pretty over these, he is not gonna like mope around or anything) 

Anyway, what they do for each other is that they try to compromise, Dmitri doesnt sneer at stupid kitsch decorations every 5 minutes and Quentin ..chills a little. :’D To be fair, Beck makes everything fun and having Cham there makes Beck appreciate the details more instead of just goin into BETTER!BIGGER! frenzy.

Where did they go for their honeymoon:

After the fuckin Ages of pinning, when they finally end up together for realsies, they wanted somethin Big and Flashy! (Well Beck wanted and Cham kinda too but also with the option to merge with the crowd unnoticed and take some chill time) Anyway they went on a whole world wide tour! Starting with a luxury cruise, they took their time, lots of crime sprees to plan and execute, lots of local shows to see, lots of dumb heroes to fool, they’re gonna have it all! 

Where did they first meet:

Around the time when Cham and Hammerhead had their criminal empire running Fisk to the ground, Otto decided the Sin Six should team up with them for their ressources needed on one heist or something. They agreed but Cham insisted on actually going in the field, it’s been a while since he really stretched his face legs like this and the mafia life was starting to bore him. Doc made him team up with Mysterio much to the fishbowl’s dismay because why do they need another disguise artist?? He is the Master Of Illusions dammit, he can run circles around this guy, what the fuck Otto?? So at the start, he pouts and fumes under his helmet and in general he is his v unpleasant self but… He can’t help but notice that the new guy is a real professional, he even uses Traditional masks, he likes the same movies… And most importantly, he is actually interested in Mysti’s craft, asking questions and even LISTENING to his long winded answers… At one point he even wondered if that X thing was meant as a HOMMAGE to the Y movie, the Six never did that!! (Usually the rest of the sixers dont know the reference, heathens, and when they do, they mock him for it, that he’s copying ideas and mixin them ridiculously.  BUT THIS GUY GETS IT!!) So it doesn’t take long for them to hit it off, of course at this point without any real Trust behind it but it’s a start. 

(Though Beck does pay a visit to Otto like, buddy pal i know you’ve been planning on manipulating these crimelords to your end somehow and honestly, any other day i’d be down, i actually had a robot prepared for my own backstab but i was thinking they werent that bad and maybe we Could hold our end of the bargain this time and just. leave each other on good terms? Mabye? Obviously it’s purely out of respect for our teammate Kraven since him and Chameleon seem to have some history, nothing more, definitely nothing to do with how bright Cham’s eyes were when i was showing him the back of my stage… ) 

What do they fight over:

this whole post has been a mountain of cheese but im bringing more! Honestly, goin through my notes on Patchwork, their biggest arguments have always been about.. the other one not taking proper care of himself :’D Or them lashing out because they were scared and worried about the other and they cant stand being so vulnerable while the other pretends it’s not a big deal because they dont know how to handle genuine concern directed at them. 

Do they go on vacations, if so where:

GIVE!!! BECK!!!! HIS!!!! ISLAND!!!!!!They actually do have one, it’s where Celavi spends most of the time and they visit her often. But never for too long, neither of them can actually spend too long doing nothing.. 

[not-close-to-straight]

Black Panther Review!

SO For the first time since my surgery I put my contacts in and did my hair and my makeup and wore Real Clothes instead of yoga pants to get out and FINALLY see Black Panther and it was totally worth how many times I had to re do my eyeliner (four, because I suck at make up and have worn it a grand total of ten times in my life) AND it was totally worth the freezing cold theater and even though I had a massive migraine, I refused to let it bug me. 

So here we go. A list of everything I loved about the characters, favorite lines, maybe a little of my thoughts on the scenes. 

Heads up for spoilers below the cut!

First of all, just a heads up, every person in the movie was beautiful. Every single one of them. My poor worthless pansexual heart was DYING over it all. 

(Oh also, very quickly-- there was a new Coke ad before the movie where they very clearly mentioned Non Binary people (them) and LGBT (lesbians) in their montage of people who Coke was for and it was honestly lovely.)

The movie takes place a WEEK after T’Chaka dies in Vienne in CACW, so literally just a day or two after Tony is left in Siberia to die and it just brought up all these Post-CACW feels for me and also like... Tchalla you poor thing, this has been a hell of a week for you, omg. 

Chadwick Boseman/T Challa opened his mouth to speak and I almost melted through the floor. His accent is gorgeous and the words are so smooth its almost a little difficult to understand but so so beautiful. 

The way T’Challa looks at Nakia with these amazing puppy dog eyes. He loves her so much, looks at her as if she is his whole world and even though he asks her to stay with him, he respects her enough to not push the issue when she says there is other things she needs/wants to do. 

The Queen Mother! Angela Basset in all her glory! I love her and her endless beauty, may she reign forever. 

SHURI! You guys SHURI was the cutest fucking thing Ive ever seen in my life! Everything about her was equal parts bratty little sister making sure her newly crowned brother doesnt get cocky, and loyal Wakandan determined to use every bit of her genius to save her country and I love her?!

Also MORE GROSS to you guys who want to ship her with anyone. She is just so obviously a child in this. Yes, a teenager, but still a child, right down to the pranks she pulls and the way she dresses (minus her ceremonial clothing which was pretty enough to make me need some of my own) she is just a baby, stop trying to over sexualize her and ship her with older men. (or anyone for that matter. Let her be sixteen and giggly and adorable for as long as she can be). 

OKOYE. Where do I even start with this woman? First of all, she was bald (as were the rest of the dora milaje) and this is sort of a big thing for black women. Because there is a whole toxic idea of black women not being able to grow hair, or being bald as if its a bad thing, and I LOVE so much the scene in Korea where they are in disguise and she has to wear a wig and says “This is a DISGRACE” because for her to have to cover her head, her tattoos that show her culture and her status is an insult to her very person, and I love that she is angry about it. That to fit in to a white mans world, to be acceptable, she must change/cover up something fundamental to her identity, and she is ANGRY about it and I love it. 

I also love that she was allowed to be angry. Black people in general are already seen as “angry”, as the aggressors, and women are taught to hide it away as if its shameful to feel anything in the extreme, but ESPECIALLY anger because then we are just “another bitter black woman” and it is so important that she and the others are allowed to be ANGRY, visibly and audibly angry at what happens (for example, when one of their own dies.). Its raw and honest, and in its honesty, it is beautiful. 

I need me a red dress like hers just so I can feel like 1/10th of a BAMF as she is. 

“If he touches you again, i will impale him on that table” 

“Does she speak English”

“When she wants to” 

I loved everything about that interaction between Okoye and Ross. Very reminiscent of the moment between Okoya and Natasha “Move, or I will move you” and in both scene T Challa is sort of laughing over it because he knows Okoye is about two seconds from fucking someone up. Hilarious. 

Klaw! What an odd Villain, because I felt like he wasnt really a villain. He was just sort of... the guy that was always around the bad guys, and then ultimately nothing more than a tool to be used for Killmongers vengeance. His sonic hand was a nice nod to the comic character who is just solid sound and emits it through his hand. And he was just amazingly obnoxiously AMERICAN and I both loved and hated him for that. 

Nakia. How I love her. Not only is she entirely her own person, doing what she feels is right, but she is fucking FIERCE and gorgeous and smart and is not about to give up what she wants/needs because T Challa is in love with her. In fact, I love very much that the T Challa/Nakia love story wasnt even... a story. It wasnt even a driving force of the movie. She didnt have to get hurt to inspire him to greatness. She didnt have to break his heart to give him something to fix, really she didnt even go searching for a way to save him when he went over the falls, she went looking for the person that could save their country. Their love story was something quiet, something in the background, because a love story is NOT necessary to keep a movie going (do you hear that, oh pushers of the awkward heterosexual relationship to fill the down moments? not necessary). 

HOWEVER, she absolutely was his rock, who he turned to in his moments of need. He crossed country borders and potentially could have ruined her mission (which was reckless and fairly selfish) because he needed her there when he was crowned King, and she wanted to be there for him. She was the only person he told about his uncle’s death and the truth about Erik, and she was the one to help his mother and sister escape because they are just as much her family as his. 

But back to Nakia-- I think one of my favorite scenes is when they go to Korea and she speaks the language so well, laughs over the trouble she gets into, and very much makes it clear to T Challa AGAIN that she has her own life that has nothing to do with him. Holla for Strong Females. 

How much did I love the Queen Mothers hair being blonde/white underneath her beautiful head-dress. Lovely lovely lovely. 

M’Baku. I have mixed feelings about his character. I very much appreciated Marvel NOT using his “man-ape” persona from the comics because hello, that is Racist As Fuck. Instead they made him lord over a people who used the gorilla as a symbol just as other tribes used the rhino/the panther etc. He was all sorts of big and beautiful and the challenge scene at the waterfall was just, brutal and incredible and PRIMAL and honestly there isnt much better than seeing two men (or women) really battle it out with just their strength. Of course the landscape and backdrop was incredible, but the fight scene was just INCREDIBLE. The way MBaku waited until the last minute to yield, the way T Challa BEGGED him to yield. I love it all. 

I thought it was very interesting when Nakia came to him with the heart shaped herb, he didnt accept it. As someone who had challenged T Challa for the throne, I expected him to at least consider it, but it was obvious in his face that he was both honored, and then humbled, and yet still turned it down because he knows T Challa needed it more. 

And yet when T Challa asked him for an army, for help, MBaku turned him down, said that this was the first king in CENTURIES to visit him. CENTURIES. These people had been living in the mountains, cut off from the rest of Wakanda and the other kings hadnt even visited them. No wonder the man is bitter. BUT NOT BITTER ENOUGH TO TURN THE QUEEN MOTHER AWAY. He still promised that she would be safe, no ham would come to her. I love that so much. 

He did not just forgive centuries of being ignored because they need help, but he wasnt willing to completely turn his back either. I thought it was a realistic depiction that kept him very human, versus the usual “no i wont help at all because our ancestors battled” or even the “i have had a sudden change of heart and now will completely help you even if it means giving up my life for you, who I suddenly support.” 

Also, the way he snorted and giggled over his vegetarian joke??? HE SNORTED AND GIGGLED and no one else laughed. Just his big ass on his throne cracking up and everyone else was like uhhhh....

Martin Freeman as Everett Ross. I love that they let his character be a smaller than average, soft spoken, older white man. No one overly intimidating, no one that seems to inspire fear and yet, when they are attacked by Killmonger when he rescues Klaw, Ross THROWS himself on Nakia (who could probably protect herself) and takes a bullet in the spine for her. That bravery, that instinctual “cover the women and children” and how quickly he reacts speaks to more of his character than anything else. 

Also, the end where he “flies” the ship to stop the weapons from being shipped out and Shuri tells him “you are a great pilot AND HE IS A FUCKING GREAT PILOT he wants so badly to save them, and I love that he just doesnt give up. Like, he realizes that how they healed him was damn near impossible, so he will do the impossible to stop the worst from happening. I love it. (Also I just love Martin Freeman)

“Dont scare me like that, colonizer.” 

“My Names Ross.”

“I know.” 

^^^^I laughed so hard my friend frowned at me and I shoved her and said, “quit scowling colonizer” and then laughed harder. She did not think it was funny. 

ERIK KILLMONGER. First of all, the scene where we meet him. Come on. He looks like such a goddamn fuck boy I almost wanted to smack him. Or maybe fuck him. I cant decide lol. I am in love with him though. 

Growing up where I did, I saw so much anger in the black youth, especially the young men, and for that reason it was so hard to see him as a villain. He is just another abandoned black boy in a forgotten neighborhood, who is angry at the system. And yet he is also brilliant and talented and DRIVEN and he pulled himself up out of the situation he was thrown in and now is determined to change everyone elses situation. He talks of how where he is from, the black people who start the revolutions dont have the weapons they need to protect themselves/to ready themselves and its just... its so true in this very painful way, especially now, recently, and I just hurt for him. 

The way he scarred himself, one for every kill so he could work his way up to challenging for the throne. It is horrifying to think of him marking himself after every kill, all around the world because every body was a step closer to his goal. 

I could talk forever about his character, because I think it was a very accurate, interesting look into the truth underneath the “angry black man” that society paints these young men as. 

I wont talk forever though, because holy shit Im actually talking forever lol, but I WILL say, that the differences between Erik and T Challa, from the speech patterns to the way they walked (cocky versus confident) to the way they dressed and talked/treated the women (I would throw a pan at Killmonger if he talked to me like he talked to them lol). it was just an incredible contrast between one who was given EVERYTHING and someone who had to take everything they wanted just to have a SHOT at anything in the world. The difference between rich and poor and the lines that it draws and the different worlds it creates whether we realize it or not. 

The only person I dont want to spend alot of time on is W’Kabi. I have mixed feelings to his joining with Killmonger, but I realize he was driven by vengeance and that can be a poisonous thing. 

HOWEVER, I thought he had one of the most beautiful scenes in the move. Him and Okoye are in love, and yet when it comes to them ready to fight each other, he asks her, “would you fight me, my love” and she says,. “for wakanda i would” (paraphrasing) and HE is the one to put his weapon down. He is the one to sacrifice his vengeance for love. Not the woman. She did not change. She stood strong in what she believed to be right, and he loved her enough to give up what he wanted. 

I love so much that this movie allowed her and other women to be the strong ones, driving the men to make the right choice. 

I will stop rambling now lol 

End Thoughts--- This movie is so important right now, such a wonderful thing for our young people to see-- Strong black characters, who go that way without a history of drugs or jail or anything like that. Strong black women who are beautiful (stunningly so) even without wigs/straightened hair/lighter skin, and Strong black men who are not any less strong for loving the women in their lives and being humbled enough by past mistakes to try and change. 

My favorite line is easily the very last one, where the young black boy asks T Challa-- who are you?

Every white child has had the chance to ask their hero-- batman, superman, spiderman, wonder woman etc etc etc-- who they are. Who is this hero that has saved my life and given me hope and is going to change this seemingly hopeless situation? 

But seeing a little black boy asking the same question-- maybe I read too much into it, but it really struck a cord with me. 

OH and the last scene. 

I will be the first to admit, I was like... foaming at the mouth to see Bucky in Infinity War, with his new arm and a new gun and like YASSSSSS BABY FUCK THEM BOYS UP LET ME SEE YOU KILL SOMEONE. 

But like?? Stepping from a hut looking like Jesus?? Long hair?? Like god Marvel, please just let my baby stay by the lake and meditate with his half pony tail and man bun. PLEASE just let him play with the children who call him White Wolf. PLEASE just let him light scented candles and have the women braid his hair and when Steve comes looking for him, just let him say no I have found inner peace here in my little hut by the water??? 

I JUST WANT HIM TO BE PEACEFUL?!

Alright, thats it. Sorry for the long ass ramble, this literally isnt half of what I wanted to say. Feel free to hit up my ask box about anything black panther related lol 

[cryingbilldenbrough]

hi i want to request some ryers from you. idc what it is, i just want to read something about that beautiful ship written by you. literally. you can write about anything you want. please and thank you. (i deserve this for the number of times you’ve made me cry thanks)

ok so just remember that u asked for this

i feel like a lot of ryers stuff has the idea that richie moves to hawkins so let’s switch that

will byers moves across the country to derry, maine and the fresh start isn’t quite what he thought it would be

johnathan isn’t with them, having graduated high school and gone off to college 

joyce rents a two bedroom house and there’s no Johnathan’s Room anymore, no place for will to go and lay on the floor and turn on the boombox and let The Shins drown out the biting wind in his ears

it’s two stories, with stairs that creak under his feet and the basement isn’t like theirs was back home, solely for storm shelter. there’s shelves all along the walls for canning and storage and will spends a whole day down there exploring

anyway he rolls up to derry high school on the first day of sophomore year, his mom sitting in their idling car near the buses, and shoulders his backpack

he keeps his head up

because this is the first time he’s been able to restart and no one in derry knows, man. he’s got the chance to reinvent himself which is every teenagers dream!! 

he slides into his first period homeroom class and there’s a kid in the back who looks as apprehensive as will feels and the boy introduces himself as ben hanscom after class, offering to show will around

“ive been the new kid before” he says, warm and with a smile and will gets a big lump in his throat because he misses dustin SO BAD

ben hanscom invites him to sit with his friends at lunch and will stands through the lunchline for what feels like forever, anxiety swimming in his stomach

but the Party (not a party, will, they’re not the same try not to think of that) is so welcoming and kind? 

eddie kaspbrak is a small boy who pauses mid-rant about the disgusting boys bathroom on the third floor to offer his hand out for will to shake

beverly marsh has max’s firey hair and el’s powerful nature and she winks at will and says something about his haircut and will blushes and ducks his head because while he’s not really interested in women, beverly marsh is everyone’s weak spot/exception

stan uris is quiet and will almost glosses right over him until stan says something wry out of the corner out of his mouth, stopping the entire group in their laughing and joking and they’re deathly still until stan’s facade cracks and he grins at them, all dimples

will notices the air of tension during the pause wasn’t apprehension, more like the group was simply Waiting for stan to give in and accept that he’s told a joke

mike hanlon is quiet with an air of serious consideration, like he’s cataloging everything they do and say to save for later

he looks a little haunted, a little fucked up, and will thinks he recognizes the dead look in the boy’s eyes

mike reminds will of sheriff hopper, kind and haunted and sad

bill denbrough is will’s favorite right away. his eyes are alight and he smiles out of the side of his mouth, guarded, and he makes will feel kind of like the only person in the world when he talks to him

he compliments will’s notebook which is covered in little doodles and will has a weird moment when he’s like Wow i would do anything for bill denbrough? whom i have just met?

basically bill denbrough has +20 charisma and will saves that thought in his back pocket to revisit later

and finally

there’s richie

richie laughs while eating and sprays milk all over the table and has coke bottle glasses and a dumb goofy grin 

he ruffles will’s hair when bev compliments it, sticking his hand across the table and rubbing down just a little too hard

will slaps his hand away, so used to johnathan doing it, and richie laughs and laughs

stan explains richie to him while the other boy is turning his attention to eddie kaspbrak who swears at him, saying “whenever richie needs to shut up, we just say beep beep richie and that does the trick”

will doesn’t get the chance to try out the trick until lunch is almost over, warning bell ringing and everyone scrambling to wrap up the rest of their lunches for later or to throw away

and as will stands up, a book falls out of his backpack

it’s a Dungeons and Dragons guide, the one mike used to map out their campaign  

(”take this with you,” mike says, thrusting the book into will’s hands. they’re standing in the bare byers living room, hands stuffed in pockets and surrounded by cardboard boxes. 

“no, you need it,” will argues “you gotta finish the campaign” and man this hurts really fucking bad

“i bought a new one,” mike says quickly, making will take the book and wrap his fingers around it “besides, we all signed this one”

will opens the front cover and there’s writing all along the inside, little notes and drawings from the Party to him

will holds it to his chest and then brings mike into a hug, the last one before he leaves hawkins for probably forever)

“what’s this?” richie says, holding it out and will tries to snatch it back but richie’s fast “this is some next level nerd shit” he says 

and will knows he’s kidding but years of being called freak dont do well for self esteem and will is blinking back tears before he can stop himself 

“beep beep richie” he says in a choked voice and nobody else but them is paying attention which will is thankful for because crying in front of his new friends is NOT COOL

and as soon as he says it, richie’s fingers go lax. he gives the book back without a second more of fight and will blinks and tries to calm down and richie’s just looking at him

“it’s from my friends” will explains and richie nods, little and thoughtful. there’s a beat, a moment of peace and silence, and then richie’s throwing his arm over will’s shoulders

“welcome to the losers club,” he says, warm and understanding

and will byers has a new party, a club full of laughter and love and a power he doesn’t yet understand

for the first time in a long time, will belongs again

but this is derry and in derry the dead don’t stay dead and that includes dead pasts

will opens his locker one day and a balloon floats out

it’s red, almost transparent from how overblown it is, and it drifts at exactly his height out into the hallway

will reaches a hand out, to touch and figure out who the fuck put that in his locker and what the fuck it is

and the balloon spins

ZOMBIE BOY it says in happy white letters

and will blinks and he’s in the Upside Down

it’s not real it cant be real but the cold is biting and the wind is chilling him to the bone and derry is covered in vines but it’s different this time? theres a smell of decay in the air that hawkins didnt have, the scent of actual real death and it smells like brick and concrete and a sewer and the bodies of hundreds of dead kids

will’s hyperventilating, crying and stuck frozen and the balloon is still there and it drifts towards him and it’s getting closer and the demogorgon isnt there but there’s something else, a presence of evil he can FEEL and it sounds like dripping water and fingernails on steel and breaking bones and wheezing breath

there’s lights in the distance, three of them swirling together in a drifting dance

just when will thinks it’s real, just when he’s giving into the swirling lights and blowing wind and the shiny red balloon

the balloon pops

the sound is a gunshot, shocking him out of the trance and will blinks and he’s back

he’s in the hallway and the balloon is gone and the Upside Down is gone and richie tozier is there

he’s got his hand outstretched towards will and he’s saying something that will cant hear over the rushing wind in his ears

“are you okay?” he thinks he sees richie mouth and he forces himself to nod

later, after he’s explained it all, richie tells will he found him staring at the wall, catatonic and crying

will wants to be embarrassed but he’s only grateful for richie for bringing him back

“it was a balloon?” richie says, voice hushed. they’re in the boys bathroom, crowded together in the furthest stall while they skip class

richie had stuck his sneakered foot on the toilet and hoisted himself up to open the window

he pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and offers one to will, which he declines, before lighting up and taking a drag

“yeah” will responds

“fuck” he breathes out, smoke leaving his lungs and it smells strong enough that it erases the scent of this new Upside Down from will’s nostrils, replacing it with menthol and richie

“did you see…. a clown….” richie says and will wants to laugh but he looks serious

not just serious

richie looks downright scared

he’s shaking a little, the cherry of his smoke bobbing in the air and will knows that kind of fear, the primal urge to fight or flight and richie looks kind of tired and weary too

“no” will says and richie sighs, relieved

he doesnt want to tell richie he saw the past and the future at the same time, an alternate and adjacent universe far beyond anything either of them could comprehend

richie takes another drag off his cigarette and sets his jaw and will thinks he’s making a decision

“meet us at the clubhouse after school” he throws the cig out the open window and leaves will, the bell ringing in the distance

when will shows up in the barrens, backpack over his shoulders, they’re waiting for him

the clubhouse is hidden and will has been to it a few times and still sometimes has trouble picking it out, camoflauged with brush and leaves

he drops down into the ground and the whole Club is there 

he draws his knees up to his chest as richie tells them all of how he found will, explaining the dead look in his eyes 

(”they almost looked…. grey” he says and all the blood drains out of bill’s face in the light of a few candles)

richie hands it over to will to explain what he saw and will struggles through his explanation, trying not to let onto the fact that he’s some freak with Now Memories and a haunted fucked up past

but the Club doesn’t look… surprised? scared?

they look frightened and tired and weary and sympathetic

stan uris has his knees drawn to his chest and is running his fingers over the sides of his face, over faint scars will never noticed before

“sounds like…” eddie trails off

“i k-know what it s-s-sounds like,” bill says 

“sounds like what?” will asks and hes kind of pissed off because they all look shifty

they’re hiding something, some secret related to balloons and death and fucking clowns and will byers is so FUCKING SICK of being out of the loop

of being left out of the plans because he’s weak and people are afraid of him getting hurt

“sounds like what?” he repeats and the group collectively flinches

“look, we don’t know exactly” ben starts

“it’s hard to pinpoint exact memories,” bev finishes for him and they share a look “we can’t keep track of all of it,” 

“they c-c-come and go” bill says and eddie nods and richie looks sick and angry

“what happened here?” will asks, voice low

the group look at each other, the lucky seven sharing their cosmic energy and deciding to pull another into their chess game with death

they make a decision, an election, to tell the story, the history of their haunted town and the fog that covers it, the story of a manifestation of Evil and their ever-tiring fight against It

will feels richie’s hand slip into his, sweaty and shaking but grounding

he turns to look at richie and the boy is smiling at him, soft and guarded and will thinks he’s very lucky to have met this group, haunted pasts be damned

“derry,” mike hanlon starts, licking his lips, “is not like other towns”

send me headcanons/prompts/requests!

[queen-of-deans-booty]

All Hell Breaks Loose Part One- Part 3

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,932

Warnings: Typical Supernatural violence, language, angst, minor character death, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. If you’re a junkie for this sort of thing, then a tag list is the right thing for you! If you want to be a Queen, I’ll add you to that list too! Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

AHHHH This season is almost done!!!!! Just ONE more episode left! If you’ve been catching along with this series, this and the next episodes is what I wan to hear your thoughts on!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

You jolted up with a gasped, seeing how it was morning already. You were glad no one killed or tried to kill you in your sleep. You woke up to Jake screaming at you and Sam to wake up. You looked over at Sam to see him jolt awake from the nightmare he probably had.

“Sam! Y/N! Wake up! Ava is missing!” Jake said, his eyes wide. That got you and Sam right up and the three of you rushed outside to go find her.

“Y/N will come with me and Jake, just try and find her.” Sam ordered, splitting from Jake before he had a chance to say anything else. You followed Sam, looking in the other houses and buildings that littered the town.

“She isn’t here.” You said, giving up. There were so many buildings here, you doubted she went this far out.

“Okay, let’s go back.” Sam said, walking back to the barn where he agreed to meet Jake at. As you got closer, you head an ear-splitting scream that came from Ava. It seemed as if she was back at the barn already.

You and Sam rushed to the barn, busting in. You gasped in horror and grabbed at Sam’s arm from what you saw. Ava, crying her eyes out at the fact that Andy was now lying in a pool of his own blood, dead.

“Oh! Sam! I just found him like this!” Ava screamed dramatically, making you narrow your eyes at her.

“What the hell happened?” He demanded.

“I don’t know!” Her voice squeaked up a bit.

“Cut the bullshit act, Ava.” You said with a glare. She glared at you, taking a step towards you.

“Excuse me? Our friend is dead!”

“Friend? Sam, come on. She is being such a drama queen right now. I am an expert on fake crying and that, right there, was an example of this. She did this to Andy! She killed him!” You said, accusing her.

“How dare you think I did this!” Ava yelled at you.

“Come on, Y/N, I don’t think we should blame her.” Sam started to say.

“Sam, you know how good I am when it comes to lying. I know she is lying,” You said, looking at the window sill behind Sam and nodding. You pointed to it and made Sam look. “How else do you explain the break in the salt? Andy wouldn’t do it, not when he was always scared of what was happening.”

“You believe her, Sam?” Ava asked, scoffing.

“You know, she’s right. You’ve been here for five months. You’re the only one with all that time you can’t account for. Plus, that headache you got? Right when the demon got Lily.” Sam said, putting you behind him. Ava went from this scared, overdramatic girl to one who was laughing, wiping the tears from her face.

“I had you two going, though, didn’t I? Yeah, I’ve been here a long time. However, I was never alone. People just kept showing up. Children, like us who came in batches of three or four at a time.” She said with a smile.

“You killed them? All of them?” Sam asked, horrified.

“I’m the undefeated heavyweight champ.” Ava said, proudly.

“Oh, my God.” You muttered. If only looks could kill…

“I don’t think God had much to do with this, Y/N.”

“How could you?” Sam asked, shocked still.

“I had no choice. It's me or them. After a while, it was easy. It was even kind of fun. I just stopped fighting who we are, Sam. If you'd just quit your hand-wringing and open yourself up, you have no idea what you can do. The learning curve is so fast, it’s crazy, the switches that just flip in your brain. I can’t believe I started out just having dreams. Do you know what I can do now?”

“Control demons.” You said.

“Ah, you’re quick which is good. You aren’t going to make it out of here alive, Y/N. It’s either going to be me, Jake or Sam who will kill you and I can guarantee that.” She raised her hand and you looked behind you to see the cloud of black smoke come through the window again.

Before anything could happen, Jake came up behind Ava and grabbed her head, snapping her neck easily, killing her. The demonic smoke left back out the window, glad not to be controlled anymore. You gasped and watched as he dropped her body like it was nothing.

He looked up and stared at you, the evil glint you saw when you first met him was now back in his eyes.

“Sam, come on.” You said, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the barn. Jake chuckled and he followed you two, murder in his eyes.

“Jake, whatever you’re thinking, don’t. The demon is gone now. I think we can leave.” Sam said, seeing the look in his eyes. He had eyes for you but he wanted to murder you since it was what he was told to do.

“No, only one of us is making it out of here alive and it’s going to be me. But first, she needs to die. I had a vision of the Yellow-eyed Demon. He told me what needs to be done and I have to follow his orders or I will be the one to die and that isn’t happening.”

“No, Jake, you can’t listen to him. He lies, Y/N isn’t going to die. Neither of us will. We are going to get out here. We can kill that bastard together.” Sam tried to reason with him.

“How do I know you won’t turn on me?” He asked, unsure. You thought it would be best if you kept quiet, afraid of triggering something in him. He was already much stronger than you so it wouldn’t be a fair fight.

“We won’t, Jake.” You said very gently.

“I don’t know that.”

“Okay, look,” Sam said, taking the knife you found earlier and showed Jake, placing it on the ground to show some peace between the three of you. “Just come with us, Jake. Don’t play into his games. You’ll end up dead.”

After a moment or two, Jake nodded and placed his weapon on the ground next to Sam’s. You had a feeling this wasn’t over yet and that feeling proved to be true when Jake punched Sam. Jake, already being super duper strong, sent Sam flying through the air, crashing on the ground.

“Sam!” You yelled, glaring at Jake who was walking to you.

“You’re turn sweetheart. I’ll make it quick because you seem like a nice girl but this has to be done.” He said, getting closer to you. Panic surged through your veins and you didn’t know what to do. The weapons were behind Jake and Sam wasn’t much help right now. He will kill you if he got his hands on you.

You felt yourself panicking even more when he got closer and you shot your hands out to protect yourself. A burst of magic left your hands, hitting Jake right in the stomach, sending him toppling over. You gasped, thinking how you thought only anger or Dean being hurt would make this magic come out. But you guess panic will do the same thing.

Good to know.

You rushed to Sam, sliding on the ground when you got close enough to him. He groaned and looked at you, sitting up.

“Sam, we have to go.” You looked up to see and even more pissed off Jake come storming to you. He realized that he needed to get rid of Sam before he can get to you. You barely got Sam up on his feet when you felt the wind being knocked out of you.

Jake had used half of his strength to push you away from Sam, throwing in a few punches. Sam had enough of this and he punched back, fighting with Jake. You tried to catch your breath and you looked up to see Jake and Sam fighting, Jake winning.

You groaned and forced yourself to get on your feet, looking around until you spotted the weapons on the ground. You looked back at Jake and Sam, knowing Sam could hold his own for a while. You slowly moved to the weapons, keeping an eye on Jake who seemed to be too busy with Sam to even notice you.

You grabbed the iron rod that Jake carried instead of the knife. You didn’t want to kill him, no, just knock him out until you figured out what to do with him. You finally got enough air in your lungs to start running and when Sam looked like he had enough, you raised the rod, striking Jake on the head very hard.

You made sure not to kill him but he did go down, unconscious. You dropped the rod and then that’s when you heard it.

“Y/N! Sam!” You looked up and smiled when you saw Dean and your dad, with flashlights.

“Dean!” You were so glad he was okay. You grabbed Sam’s arm and put it over your shoulder to help him walk since he was weak from the beating he took.

“Dean! Bobby!” Sam said with a weak smile, slowly but surely walking closer to them.

“Sam! Y/N! Look out!” You only had enough time to turn your head to see Jake coming at you with the knife. Your eyes widened and you shoved Sam out of the way so he wouldn’t get hurt. You were going to use your magic but it was too late.

You froze when the blade of the knife sliced through your body, coming out the other end. You gasped and looked down, seeing the bloody tip of the blade that was right through your chest. Jake twisted the knife and you gurgled up blood as he pulled you closer.

“I told you, you weren’t leaving here alive.” He said before taking the blade out and running away.

“No!!!” Dean yelled, making a run for you as you fell to the ground and on your knees. You knew what was going to happen next but you weren’t sure if Dean or even Sam was ready for that. Dean slid to the ground in front of you, seeing how pale you looked.

He grabbed at your shirt, trying to get you to look at him but you could feel your life slipping away. Sam rushed and got up, not caring about himself as he checked your wound.

“Dean, it’s bad.” Sam said. Dean pressed his hand over your wound but the blood kept pouring out. You leaned forward in Dean’s arms, too weak to hold yourself up.

“Hey, Y/N, look at me, okay? It’s not that bad. Don’t listen to Sam. Y/N! Y/N, please look at me,” Dean said with tears in his eyes., You so badly wanted to look at him but you didn’t; couldn’t. “Don’t worry, we’re going to patch you right up. You’re going to be as good as new.” Dean touched your face but you were just on the brink of death. You watched as Bobby ran after Jake, leaving you alone with Sam and Dean.

“Dad…” You said as you took your last breath. Your body slumped forward in Dean’s arms as your eyes slid close, lying in Dean’s arms.

“No! No, no, no, no, no, Oh, God, Sammy! Sam! Do something! No!!!” Dean yelled, letting the tears fall freely. There was nothing Sam or even Dean could do now.

You were dead.

The Queens:

@maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith​ @mogaruke​ @whit85-blog​ @inlovewithbja​ @spn67-sister​ @kdfrqqg​ @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes​ @roxyspearing​ @supercalifragilistic26 @mishamigose​ @cobrakai1967​ @essie1876​ @wishedworld​ @crispychrissy​ @laqueus-ludovicus​ @nostalgic-uncertainty​ @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel​ @potterhead1265​ @starswirlblitz​  @untitled39887​ @ta-n-ja​ @deans-fallen-angel-boy @scarletluvscas @notnaturalanahi​ @tahbehonest​ @stay-in--place​ @dreaminofdean @posiemax​ @donnaintx​ @mikey1822​ @alexandriajanae4​  @li-ssu​ @just-another-winchester​ @obsessivecompulsivespn​ @emoryhemsworth​ @newtospnfandom​ @mizzezm​  @goldenolaf25​ @jessikared97​ @wh1sp3r1ng-impala​ @charliebradbury1104​    @queen-of-moons-peace-out-bitches @becs-bunker​ @atc74​ @lemonchapstick​

The Dean Beans:

@akshi8278​ @mega-mrs-dean-winchester​ @winchesterandpie​ @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester​ @carribear31​ @tacklesackles​ @oreosatmidnight​ @not-naturalfangirl​ @missselinakitty​ @iam-a-cutiepie​  @kristendansmith​ @milo-winchester-4ever​ @jensenackesl​ @codyshany316​ @pheonyxstorm​ @helllonearth​ @juniorhuntersam​ @pouterpufftrain​ @ruprecht0420​ @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @carriemichelle2012​ @aubreystilinski​

Series Rewrite Junkies:

@helllonearth​ @amyisabellal​ @deanwnchstr​ @caseykitten6​ @quixoticcat​ @supernaturalblogging​ @notmoose45​ @crowleysminion​ @mina22​ @tahbehonest​ @hadleymcallister2177 @destielsangels​ @spnhybrid @oreosatmidnight​ @valerieshubin​ @seninjakitey​ @flyonlittlewinchester​ @aubreystilinski​ @rocketqueeens​  @emilygracespellins​ @earthtokace​

[therealestatesparkblog]

How I'm Living Rent-Free in the Most Expensive City in America (Using House Hacking!)

As co-host of the BiggerPockets podcast, I have the privilege of speaking with successful investors on a weekly basis. Brandon Turner and I dive deep into their stories and noticeable patterns tend to emerge. Among many of those who have seen success, theres a common denominator: they got their start house hacking. What is House Hacking? House hacking can be done in many ways, but at its core, its the concept of buying a property to live in while using part of it to generate income. Depending on where you live, there are different opportunities, strategies, or techniques to execute this concept. What wont change, however, is the impact it can have on your financial life and the doors it can open. Namely, its a way to ease yourself into the world of real estate investing. A House Hacking Success Story In addition to hosting the podcast and investing, Im a real estate agent. Id like to share one of my clients success stories. One day Ryan Meinzer heard Brandon and me talking about house hacking on the podcast. He decided to do what many others do not: take action. After calling to let me know about his plan, Ryan and I went to dinner. We broke down his goals, his strategy, and his understanding of what he was trying to accomplish, which was to buy a property in uber expensive San Francisco without having to pay through the teeth for it. That conversation became the first step on a journey that would ultimately lead to Ryan finding a massive deal, adding big value to it, and living for somewhere between cheap to free in the most expensive city in the country. Think this is all hype? Not for Ryan, it wasnt! His determination, intelligence, and can-do attitude led to him hitting a home run on his first try. To make it even better, Ryan has agreed to open up his playbook and share a lot of what he did to make this possible. The following is Ryans account of his story, his thought process, and his ultimate success finding a property that paid for him to live in the city he loves. It was a move that simultaneously opened the door for more deals, more wealth, and more real estate! So, if youve ever been thinking about house hacking yourself, learn from and be encouraged by Ryans journey!

Living Rent-Free in the Most Expensive City in AmericaAn Investor Tell-All by Ryan Meinzer My story isnt unique. All thats unique is that I finally put my mind and money where my mouth was. Its what enabled me to live rent-free where I left my heart: San Francisco. Ill first share the house hacking process by which I accomplished financial freedom through real estate. Then, Ill provide an overview of how I found the rare deal I knew my agent David Greene and I could win in one of the most competitive real estate markets in the world. After dumping money into thin air (rent) for 15 years, I decided that enough was enough.I set the goal of living rent-free through real estate. How? By house hacking, which to me meant making the sacrifice to live with others at age 35, in order to have them pay my mortgage. I had heardDavid on theBiggerPocketspodcast talk about this concept time after time. Theres no complicated financial algorithms involved in the process. The idea is to find a place you can afford to buy where the rent you can charge your roommate(s) will exceed your mortgage. In San Francisco, this is not too difficult. Rents are the highest in the nation, and demand is through the roof. House hacking inherently requires sacrifice. It could be sharing a bathroom, wall, and/or kitchen with a roommate. In my case, it was all three. I began by utilizing some of the principles of BRRRR, retrofitting an open living room into a private bedroom. These are definitely first world problems, but sacrificing a bit of privacy required a big mind shift for me, as I had been so used to living in studios (and living with OCD) for the past 10 years. I got over it within a few months by letting go of full control, which turned out to be quite liberating. Who would have thought sharing a toilet with someone would be a blessing in disguise? Many investors have rigid perspectives about real estate. They believe a property is either an investment property (rental) or a luxury expense (primary residence). House hacking allowed me to take a luxury and make it a sound investment, combining both worlds and growing my net worth considerably in the process. If you look at the return on investment (ROI) on my down payment and consider how much money Im saving a month on my previous living expensesnot to mention factor in principle reduction and tax savingsit becomes crystal clear this move not only allowed me to live where I want, it was also an amazing investment of capital. Time was my most valuable asset in finding the deal. I gave myself a full year to research the market and prepare my finances accordingly.From living in the city for five yearsand renting out five apartments on Airbnb, I knew every pocket of San Francisco fairly well, along with its respective rent yields. What I didnt know was how competitive the market to buy was and how exactly to win deals. Unsurprisingly, I vastly overestimated the number of house-hackable properties there were available. I also quickly realized that only millionaires orDINKs (double income, no kids) were winning deals on such properties. They did so by offering upward of 20 percent higher than the propertys asking price. As a single guy who wasnt a millionaire, how could I be competitive in that market? I needed more than money. Finding a deal for me meant finding a very rare type of property in San Francisco, one categorized as tenancy in common (TIC). In short, a TIC property is owned through a legal partnership by individuals. Those individuals then have a separate agreement to designate which areas/units of an entire building are owned and occupied by whom. As TICs are unconventional, they require non-conventional financing (as opposed to conventional mortgage loans)offered by merely a few banks with extremely strict underwriting requirements, including exceptionally high down payments and credit scores. This makes TICs drastically harder to finance/buy and thus reduces the sellers price by as much as 20 percent below the market compared to a standard condominium. Voil! If I could finance a TIC at asking price, I could afford it. Plus, the majority of the competition would be weeded out, unable to bid.

Now all I had to do was save, build my credit, and find a TIC. So, over the course of a year, I saved by reducing my spending as much as possible andbuilt my credit by all the standard means. Although it took David and I nearly six months to find my TIC, it proved to be the easiest part. We were laser-focused on finding a niche property with non-conventional financing that was outside of nearly everyones scope. Its easy to question this complex process and worry about what could go wrong. Its no coincidence that I waited a year and did a ton of research before feeling comfortable. As he mentioned previously, prior to moving forward, I met withDavid to go over my strategy, look at potential hiccups, iron out some smaller details, and make sure I understood the contracts and due diligence involved in the sale. I think this is an important step in covering all your bases. But now that Ive done it, I encourage everyone to house hack if they can. I also recommend they find someone familiar with the process who can look over their plan and address any issues they might have missed. In real estate, its what you dont know that can hurt you. So, having a professional set of eyes look over your deal is a great way to reduce your risk. Its also free if youre the buyer! Currently, I live happily ever after in my favorite city in the world by having roommates pay my mortgage. I won the rare property deal I found through research, time, and fiscal responsibility. Im currently in the process ofconverting my TIC into a condo, a move that will cause it to appreciate by up to 20 percent overnight. Its a value add that will take this deal from great to super greatbut thats a blog post for another day. What I Love About Ryans Journey Its me again, David, with my final thoughts on Ryans journey. Ryan didnt just hear about a cool strategy and sit on it. He immediately reached out and started taking steps to act on it. When problems came up during escrow (which they always will), Ryan didnt let it deter him or make excuses to quit. Instead he systematically broke down each hurdle into smaller obstacles, and we put our heads together to determine the best way to overcome them. Ryan looked forways to make the deal he found happen, as opposed to looking elsewhere for one so easy he wouldnt have to think. If youve ever wanted to own a home but didnt want to acquire the mortgage that comes along with it, I encourage you to consider this strategy! Real estate investing is all about building wealth through investment properties, and there are many creative ways to do just that. Thirty years from now, Ryan will own a multi-million dollar asset that has been paid off by his tenants and generates strong, healthy cash flow every month. By taking advantage of his resources today, hes securing himself a better tomorrow.

Could you be doing the same? If you dont think a house hack is for you, which other method of investing would you be willing to try? Let me know in a comment below. https://www.biggerpockets.com/blog/house-hacking-case-study

[viralhottopics]

Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world wont make any difference if youre choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what theyre doing wrong, why they cant seem to make it fit, why they cant get the love they want. You cant turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You cant force someone to change and to want what you want. You cant convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldnt or couldnt give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didnt get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but its a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because were swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that hes the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe youve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If youre hung up on a man who cant commit or wont commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect if only he changed such and such, then youre setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, its important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’tfor the life of youget this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with himwhat he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isnt what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isnt exactly what you would term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isnt good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like youre not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your fathers rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesnt describe your situation at all, but its a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so its worth considering. I know Ive seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isnt based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourselfI mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection? You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that because its not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, youll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you its a great idea to go for the bad boy whos just so dreamy, even when hes out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he wont be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesnt operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you werent thinking, thats not what the heart does. OK, I know Im being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, its best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I dont necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some clich like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guythe infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you dont get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginningtheyre different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail why guys treat them badlywhy they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husbandor even relationshipmaterial and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that arent good for you and dont fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we dont have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.

You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.

He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.

Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.

He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.

He respects everything about youyour thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.

He wants to make you happy. One of a mans most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.

If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But Im speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is

He wants to make it work. Hes willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she hadnt done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if shed never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if shed been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)

If a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuffpersonality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isnt the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one and wasnt even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection. Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like youre connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have thats fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack of Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship wont always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as youre with a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone wont take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when hes wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; its a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other persons perspective. However, it doesnt always start out this way. In the beginning hes enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that youre the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you arent supportive enough, youre always negative. It’s always you, never him.

Im not saying every guy who cant take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

Hes Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and thats why she wasnt able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and thats why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasnt a point in going out for Indian food if he couldnt eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because thats what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasnt what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldnt take it anymore and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because thats what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when youre behaving how they want you to, theyre the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and wont do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

Thats not how a relationship works. A relationship isnt there to serve one person. Its a partnership and its about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because its an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations. f At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from whats right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy isnt worthy of youwhen youre wasting your time, when youre not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to be treatedbut you push this knowledge down because you just dont want to deal with it. You dont want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You dont want to because its exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with whats broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is a powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course hes the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery ensues.

Our unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.

Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.

Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.

Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the nextwork, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the parkanything that will give you the space to check in with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely!

Love doesnt have to be that hard, by Sabrina Alexis is available here.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2hb4wcI

from Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

[therealestatesparkblog]

How I'm Living Rent-Free in the Most Expensive City in America (Using House Hacking!)

As co-host of the BiggerPockets podcast, I have the privilege of speaking with successful investors on a weekly basis. Brandon Turner and I dive deep into their stories and noticeable patterns tend to emerge. Among many of those who have seen success, theres a common denominator: they got their start house hacking. What is House Hacking? House hacking can be done in many ways, but at its core, its the concept of buying a property to live in while using part of it to generate income. Depending on where you live, there are different opportunities, strategies, or techniques to execute this concept. What wont change, however, is the impact it can have on your financial life and the doors it can open. Namely, its a way to ease yourself into the world of real estate investing. A House Hacking Success Story In addition to hosting the podcast and investing, Im a real estate agent. Id like to share one of my clients success stories. One day Ryan Meinzer heard Brandon and me talking about house hacking on the podcast. He decided to do what many others do not: take action. After calling to let me know about his plan, Ryan and I went to dinner. We broke down his goals, his strategy, and his understanding of what he was trying to accomplish, which was to buy a property in uber expensive San Francisco without having to pay through the teeth for it. That conversation became the first step on a journey that would ultimately lead to Ryan finding a massive deal, adding big value to it, and living for somewhere between cheap to free in the most expensive city in the country. Think this is all hype? Not for Ryan, it wasnt! His determination, intelligence, and can-do attitude led to him hitting a home run on his first try. To make it even better, Ryan has agreed to open up his playbook and share a lot of what he did to make this possible. The following is Ryans account of his story, his thought process, and his ultimate success finding a property that paid for him to live in the city he loves. It was a move that simultaneously opened the door for more deals, more wealth, and more real estate! So, if youve ever been thinking about house hacking yourself, learn from and be encouraged by Ryans journey!

Living Rent-Free in the Most Expensive City in AmericaAn Investor Tell-All by Ryan Meinzer My story isnt unique. All thats unique is that I finally put my mind and money where my mouth was. Its what enabled me to live rent-free where I left my heart: San Francisco. Ill first share the house hacking process by which I accomplished financial freedom through real estate. Then, Ill provide an overview of how I found the rare deal I knew my agent David Greene and I could win in one of the most competitive real estate markets in the world. After dumping money into thin air (rent) for 15 years, I decided that enough was enough.I set the goal of living rent-free through real estate. How? By house hacking, which to me meant making the sacrifice to live with others at age 35, in order to have them pay my mortgage. I had heardDavid on theBiggerPocketspodcast talk about this concept time after time. Theres no complicated financial algorithms involved in the process. The idea is to find a place you can afford to buy where the rent you can charge your roommate(s) will exceed your mortgage. In San Francisco, this is not too difficult. Rents are the highest in the nation, and demand is through the roof. House hacking inherently requires sacrifice. It could be sharing a bathroom, wall, and/or kitchen with a roommate. In my case, it was all three. I began by utilizing some of the principles of BRRRR, retrofitting an open living room into a private bedroom. These are definitely first world problems, but sacrificing a bit of privacy required a big mind shift for me, as I had been so used to living in studios (and living with OCD) for the past 10 years. I got over it within a few months by letting go of full control, which turned out to be quite liberating. Who would have thought sharing a toilet with someone would be a blessing in disguise? Many investors have rigid perspectives about real estate. They believe a property is either an investment property (rental) or a luxury expense (primary residence). House hacking allowed me to take a luxury and make it a sound investment, combining both worlds and growing my net worth considerably in the process. If you look at the return on investment (ROI) on my down payment and consider how much money Im saving a month on my previous living expensesnot to mention factor in principle reduction and tax savingsit becomes crystal clear this move not only allowed me to live where I want, it was also an amazing investment of capital. Time was my most valuable asset in finding the deal. I gave myself a full year to research the market and prepare my finances accordingly.From living in the city for five yearsand renting out five apartments on Airbnb, I knew every pocket of San Francisco fairly well, along with its respective rent yields. What I didnt know was how competitive the market to buy was and how exactly to win deals. Unsurprisingly, I vastly overestimated the number of house-hackable properties there were available. I also quickly realized that only millionaires orDINKs (double income, no kids) were winning deals on such properties. They did so by offering upward of 20 percent higher than the propertys asking price. As a single guy who wasnt a millionaire, how could I be competitive in that market? I needed more than money. Finding a deal for me meant finding a very rare type of property in San Francisco, one categorized as tenancy in common (TIC). In short, a TIC property is owned through a legal partnership by individuals. Those individuals then have a separate agreement to designate which areas/units of an entire building are owned and occupied by whom. As TICs are unconventional, they require non-conventional financing (as opposed to conventional mortgage loans)offered by merely a few banks with extremely strict underwriting requirements, including exceptionally high down payments and credit scores. This makes TICs drastically harder to finance/buy and thus reduces the sellers price by as much as 20 percent below the market compared to a standard condominium. Voil! If I could finance a TIC at asking price, I could afford it. Plus, the majority of the competition would be weeded out, unable to bid.

Now all I had to do was save, build my credit, and find a TIC. So, over the course of a year, I saved by reducing my spending as much as possible andbuilt my credit by all the standard means. Although it took David and I nearly six months to find my TIC, it proved to be the easiest part. We were laser-focused on finding a niche property with non-conventional financing that was outside of nearly everyones scope. Its easy to question this complex process and worry about what could go wrong. Its no coincidence that I waited a year and did a ton of research before feeling comfortable. As he mentioned previously, prior to moving forward, I met withDavid to go over my strategy, look at potential hiccups, iron out some smaller details, and make sure I understood the contracts and due diligence involved in the sale. I think this is an important step in covering all your bases. But now that Ive done it, I encourage everyone to house hack if they can. I also recommend they find someone familiar with the process who can look over their plan and address any issues they might have missed. In real estate, its what you dont know that can hurt you. So, having a professional set of eyes look over your deal is a great way to reduce your risk. Its also free if youre the buyer! Currently, I live happily ever after in my favorite city in the world by having roommates pay my mortgage. I won the rare property deal I found through research, time, and fiscal responsibility. Im currently in the process ofconverting my TIC into a condo, a move that will cause it to appreciate by up to 20 percent overnight. Its a value add that will take this deal from great to super greatbut thats a blog post for another day. What I Love About Ryans Journey Its me again, David, with my final thoughts on Ryans journey. Ryan didnt just hear about a cool strategy and sit on it. He immediately reached out and started taking steps to act on it. When problems came up during escrow (which they always will), Ryan didnt let it deter him or make excuses to quit. Instead he systematically broke down each hurdle into smaller obstacles, and we put our heads together to determine the best way to overcome them. Ryan looked forways to make the deal he found happen, as opposed to looking elsewhere for one so easy he wouldnt have to think. If youve ever wanted to own a home but didnt want to acquire the mortgage that comes along with it, I encourage you to consider this strategy! Real estate investing is all about building wealth through investment properties, and there are many creative ways to do just that. Thirty years from now, Ryan will own a multi-million dollar asset that has been paid off by his tenants and generates strong, healthy cash flow every month. By taking advantage of his resources today, hes securing himself a better tomorrow.

Could you be doing the same? If you dont think a house hack is for you, which other method of investing would you be willing to try? Let me know in a comment below. https://www.biggerpockets.com/blog/house-hacking-case-study