#ive had quite the journey with my pain tbh.

[vanillabat99]

I don't remember if I said anything here, but I finally got into the Chronic Pain Clinic!! I've had my introductory appointments, and tomorrow I see an occupational therapist!! For the first time, I finally feel like I'm gonna actually get somewhere with my pain, and it's such a relief :3

I've set some goals too!! The main one would be to be able to shower consistently, since I struggle a lot with just getting clean once a week. My other goal is to cook or bake something once a week!! I also put out a third, not so realistic goal, of being able to stand for a choir performance!! The first two are more important to me, but the last one would be nice, even if it's just once.

[kittydoodle]

i just wanna talk a little bit about my art journey the past few years, about my mental health related to it, and about my recently rediscovered joy in art. this doesnt have any real point, id just like to share (under the cut because its pretty long lol)

for a very long time, like several years, i was deeply unmotivated and uninspired to make any art. getting out of high school and eventually quitting my first job, i just felt really depressed, and with undiagnosed psoriatic arthritis putting me in worse and worse pain every day, i was lucky if i could even physically sit down and get a doodle out.

i also held myself to secret unsaid rules about how to create my art. no starting a piece unless i intend to finish it in the same day. no creating anything that isnt fully colored and polished. no making anything that doesnt have perfect lines or proportions im perfectly satisfied with. it stunted my self expression, it took all the joy out of making my art, and it made me upset because i believed i was somehow losing my passion for making art.

i sincerely believed i was growing out of my desire to draw, forever. i was distraught and grieving. i couldnt even draw things i was excited to, i would think to myself, "wow! id love to draw this idea!" and then id sit down and think about how id have to finish a full, perfect piece, and id immediately lose my motivation. so all id ever make were full, finished pieces every once in awhile, and i was still deeply unsatisfied with them.

however, in the past 6 months or so, a few things have come together that have really restored my excitement for creating art

first, (DISCLAIMER: this is not advice! dont follow my example!) i quit my adhd meds. yes, really. i was suddenly out of them for a couple weeks and in those couple weeks i realized i felt better than i had in years, and, ironically, it was way easier for my to do chores without it. the only thing i can really think of to explain it is that i was on a stimulant medication for a very, very long time, like most of my working memory ive been on them. i guess after so long it stopped working the way it should to due to tolerance buildup and was just bogging me down instead of stimulating me.

second, i doodle, i sketch, i make quick drawings i have no intention of finishing. i allow myself not to finish or perfect a piece. i even draw random ideas i wont do anything else with, just for fun. at the advice of a few friends, i have forcefully practiced letting myself get messy and unrefined with my art so that its less intimidating, and to my surprise it actually worked.

third, i started arthritis meds and i listen to my body way better now so i can avoid inflaming and injuring myself, which makes it a lot easier to draw without pain! i even do stretches! im still working on fully effective treatment for my pain, but im doing at least a little better

i dont really know where im going with this tbh... for anyone who has followed me for a long time, uve seen this blog get quiet with little to no art posts for months and months at a time for the past few years, so i hope u are excited to see me posting more frequently again! i missed it! i hope u enjoy me now as much as im enjoying me!

im happy to be creating again and i hope i can keep my passion going! im happier now than i have been in an extremely long time, and im excited to show everyone the things ive been creating more often

umm thats all i guess! if u read this far ummmm One Big Kissaroo From Me To You okay 🩷🩷🩷 MWAH

[nightglider124]

Wow, it’s genuinely so funny how many people are screaming that TLOU 2 is absolutely shit when lets face it, it isnt.

**POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW.**

(Please scroll past if you dont wanna read about tlou2 as i am on mobile and cant add a keep reading)

Regardless of the obvious upset and frustration that is caused by a pretty main part of the first couple hours of the game, it is nowhere near being a “shit” game.

Whilst the story might not have been everything fans wanted; there are other factors that make a game amazing and a masterpiece. The graphics of this game alone are fucking outstanding.

So bored of seeing angry fanboys on Twitter. Like by all means, dislike a game but dont be on there shutting down others who happened to like it. That just makes you a bit of a dick. 🙄

My overall opinion? I didnt love it but i also didnt absolutely hate it. I got what NaughtyDog were going for and the message they are trying to push but idk, for me it fell short. I didnt feel sympathy for Abby like... at all lmao. Even though you play as her for some time... i just couldnt be on her side in the game tbh.

Im sad for what happened like the first couple hours had me feeling bleaaak. But Neil Druckmann even said it isnt meant to be “fun” and that its a journey of coming to terms with some things in the end.

The game is sad and gruelling and fills you with pain and thats the whole fucking point which seems to be missed on a lot of people.

The story wasnt my favourite and obviously the first will always be the superior but the shit that happens in the sequel, I knew right from the very first trailer. I had my theories and I just knew that particular thing was going to happen.

I think if you went into playing TLOU 2 thinking it would all be fine and dandy and death miraculously wasnt gonna happen... like... idk... y’all havent been paying attention to the type of world TLOU is based in.

The game certainly isnt a 10/10 like review sites such as IGN are claiming but its also definitely not a 1/10 or even 3/10 like ive seen a lot of jackasses commenting over on twitter.

I love that they didnt offer fanservice tbh. I usually am the same and get upset but its a point of the story in which your past mistakes always have a way of coming back to bite you. Things always come back around and sometimes, things like game stories do not go in the direction you want. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally, taking everything of TLOU 2 into account, including graphics and gameplay and story etc... i think i would give it a solid 7/10 which feels more fair to me. Maybe even an 8 but I wouldn’t class it at 9 or 10.

The first game is a solid 10 for me but this sequel doesn’t unfortunately quite make it but then again, i never blindly went into playing it, thinking it would be better or as good as the first.

You cant beat the original, in most things.

[tortoisesshells]

on to the finish line! The Alienist, 1x09 and 1x10

I really, really don’t like that Mary was killed. I think it’s fair to call this fridging - Mary’s death is primarily significant because Laszlo loves(/d) her - she didn’t really have an onscreen arc of her own - although the show certainly implies she’s had quite a journey to become the woman she is.

That being said, I appreciate that the scene at her funeral features Stevie and Cyrus, who were members of her household and her friends, and that John reads at the interment. It’s not much, but at least the show makes and effort to be clear she was a beloved member of a community, no matter how small. The character deserved better, but I’ve seen much worse.

Also, because this show really wanted to hurt me, Theodore Roosevelt, in offering his sympathies to Laszlo, tells him “Please forgive me for offering the same advice you once gave me. You are not alone in your sorrow, and there’s no shame in grieving for those you love.” Presumably Laszlo told him that in February of 1884, when Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, his first wife, died hours after Roosevelt’s mother, Mittie Bullock Roosevelt (on February 14th, too). I appreciate the validation: that Mary was just as important to Laszlo as Alice had been to TR. Doesn’t help with the fridging, but it lends narrative weight to Mary’s short arc.

(also, Laszlo kissing the earth her throws on Mary’s coffin is a new standard of pain for me.)

honestly, Lucius should have let Marcus bash Doyle’s skull in. how many slurs can a man fit into a two minute interrogation? jesus. forget van Bergen, Doyle and Connor make me want to scrub until my skin comes off.

The short scene between Stevie and Cyrus after Mary’s funeral is the most important scene. Stevie, scrubbing dishes, taking up the space that Mary should be in, crying and swearing he’s going to get Connor? Cyrus nonchalantly sharpening a pocketknife and telling Stevie that he doesn’t have to cut a man’s throat to kill him, he just needs to nick a vein?  again, they were Mary’s friends and surrogate family. Their grief, especially as those who have been wronged by society and the police/criminal justice system in the past, is important.

I genuinely was not expecting that, that the murderer had been an enumerator. 

it’s always cats. Seriously, this show talked about the connection between cruelty to animals and cruelty towards humans - kill animals as an early warning sign? - but I, personally, would have loved a digression on the connection in between reformers trying to eliminate cruelty to children and cruelty to animals in the late 19th century. 

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT CONNOR

god, Cyrus, you were so close. 

for once, this refrain of “jfc, Laszlo” is brought to you not by Laszlo being a dick to Sara or John or Mary, but because of him getting drunk, monologuing @ his dead father in German, and stabbing himself in the bad arm what the hell

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

Theodore Roosevelt: Moment Killer. c’mon, let Sara and John have an actual conversation and heart-to-heart already.

oh, man. This conversation between Sara and Laszlo was heavy, hurt, and was a really, really long time coming. I’m glad Laszlo finally apologized for hitting her, and meant it - he’s been cavalier with the harm he’s done others. And ... jesus. What an admission from Sara. It’s understandable, just knowing that her father died by suicide, that her father is a sore subject and that the lessons he taught her are so sacred. But that he’d tried and failed, and - at 12 years old! - she’d helped him kill himself because he asked? I paused the episode and just put my head in my hands. And thank Christ Laszlo acted like her friend, finally, and not the titular alienist. ~Growth~

(I’m less surprised by Laszlo’s own admission - that his father broke his arm so badly as a child it never healed properly - though, again, it’s a sincerely painful moment, but two things? it’s been hinted at since episode six, and, coming on the heels of Sara’s confession, it feels less like a narrative blow and more like a blood-letting: a clearing of the air, an apology, a pact.)

The fellowship has been reassembled!

“I’m not the least bit frightened by these ... psychopaths.” John’s grandmother (Mrs. Moore?) is an icon, I tell you.

well, the murderer is Private Starks. That’s something? I’m always glad to see my Mercy Street folks popping up elsewhere but, wow, this is going to kill my ability to watch 1x05 and 1x06, now.

awww, if it isn’t one of my favorite tropes: bidding farewell to loved ones before going into danger. Marcus Isaacson AND Teddy R. 

we take the moment to put the plot on hold in order to reveal that John’s fiance didn’t just dump him, Julia Pratt left him to pursue a relationship with John Jacob Astor IV! DAMN.

Laszlo really had to wait until the last scene of the opera, when Don Giovanni gets dragged to Hell, in order to make a break for it?! thematically appropriate and solidifying his position as the most dramatic.

ohhhhhh, man. this whole sequence makes me so claustrophobic I’m itching. maybe that’s the wrong word? The atmosphere is so oppressive, the darkness pushing in on all sides, the water steadily dripping? Well done, show.

... I honestly expected Laszlo to be angrier, more upset? when Connor confronts him. They all know Connor killed Mary. But bravo, Sara, for killing Connor. Finally.

Roosevelt telling Sara her father would have been proud of her is such a bittersweet moment!

HE HAD A RING FOR MARY IM NOT OKAY on the one hand, Laszlo, you only managed to ask her to have dinner with you one (1) time! but also rather in character for him, all told, that he’d have gotten that far ahead of himself but at the end of the day, I repeat, I am not okay with this information. 

Honestly, John staring at Sara with hearts in his eyes? hard same.

“I still believe we can be better than nature intended.” bold words for someone who’s just been through nearly a half year of Hell. Proud of you, Laszlo.

So that’s it! This has been ... quite a ride. I think it’s pretty clear this show’s the product of the 90s - when the book was written - its concerns about the origins of serial killers & the development of forensic science, and, honestly, how it deals with women and people of color. It did have some of the Good Stuff re: social commentary and critiques of power and especially police forces. I stand by my observation - that some of the dialogue and plotting was clunky, and, looking back on the episodes, it dragged a little bit in the middle for me. I’m curious about how the book stacks up, tbh. All in all, not bad for something I watched almost entirely for the costume and set design (and Daniel Bruhl). Will watch again?

[adhdvane]

i have so much angel halo fodder to farm but its magna fes so now is the best time to do it anyways i’m gunna try and 5* eahta today/tomorrow/at least before 25th is a reasonable goal. i need to max 11 more silver relics so 11 lazuline vessels for that + it takes 745990 exp (approximately ~25 lazuline vessels) to go from lv 1 to 150 (but I might be able to do it in less with journey drop boosts when using them since it seems to say that journey drop boosts and such only have no effect on the exp gain when putting weapons into the reserve and not the act of using the vessel on a item and vessels are also special considering unlike other exp upgrader items they can have a chance of grand success and its double jour drops right now so might as well) then other than that all i need are 6 more silver centrums, 4 of which i can get from just hosting the raid twice today (if i somehow get blessed i can get all six if i can get them to drop from the share chest both times) (otherwise getting 8 more heavenly horns from just joining raids to get 10 to trade for the other 2 centrums will be easy) (i have the two peacemaker stars for the two hosts) (i then proceeded to ramble too long so the rest is under the cut. ii keep writing shit out tat’s too long and then just deleting everything and never posing my rambling anymore but like fuck it at this point im keeping this)

and that’s it, i already did the awakening step on all 10 katanas yesterday which was the most painful step bc need 500 white dragon scales will always be the worst step in my opinions, which is why i spent yesterday getting to like 438 yesterday using the campaign exclusive quest (bc the drop rate for scales on that quest is surprisingly amazing considering the low ap cost even after you’ve done it 30 times) (but i ended up quitting 438 and then proceeded to buy the remaining 62 with cerulean stone bc i have a bunch still and tbh the only thing worth spending cerulean stones on are white dragon scales or shit like translucent silk, broken teacup, coverging rays, etc bc the drop rate for those is stupid, and i guess technically i’m going to need those 50 jumbo best bones when i get to the 5* part of death, but i still have more than enough stones if i wanted to buy all 50 of those drops and i’ll defiantly be getting even more after the roulette starts so i’m not even concerned, bc yeah i got the sunlight stone now for death but i’m still pretty damn far from deal w/death, though maybe not as far as i think if i just remember to host my go and primarch raids for a couple days, wow yeah actually im stupidly closer than i thought bc im only 12 celus fragments from all 30 i need, the only annoying issue in the last step is going to be taking the time to farm the 10 primeval horns bc sometimes they don’t drop when you join proto hl, i know its guaranteed from share i’m just always weary about hosting that raid since it is 18-man elixir limited and i can’t solo it, and have had a time in the past were i was only joined by people leaching and it sucks when only you and like 1 other person contribute. so i always feel better join one bc i can make a decent contribution (and even like sort of mvp race or usually more vice mvp race for like 2nd or 3rd) (okay one time i joined a proto baha hl raid that was between like 70~60% bc it was on earth and 8 ppl already, and upon joining discovered like most of them had jumped ship, and the log was dead and was like well fuck, but started raiding anyways, and trying to send back up requests anyways, ended up getting some momentum, painfully got it always through to 50% dark by my self (kind of annoyed i took my light grid with my spheric harp bc i thought it was going to be an instance were it would get to 50% super fast so the off element wouldn’t matter and not that everyone but host had retreated) and then like around ~45% another person finally joined and me and this one other person destroyed the rest of the boss in like a minute, that was one of like 4 or 5 times i’ve mvp’d proto baha hl upon joining. tbh i kinda wish i knew what the host was doing, like if they were sitting there watching, was afk, or had like left the raid page to do other things. like if they were just hoping someone would come in and beat it for them, or had sorta given up but didnt want to fully end the raid just incase, look okay i just felt fucking good thinking i helped out a lower rank player get through a hl raid that they were abandoned on by several other players who appeared to have either not being strong enough, or joined saw the damage and jumped ship bc it looked like it was going to fail. though if i remember correctly the time limit was pretty far gone so that’s probably also why no one was joining, i was just a dumb fuck who didn’t look at the time before i joined, then realized, and then just fucking felt bad and was like well fuck it lets see how far i can go by myself bc clearly everyone else is dead and i don’t have anything to lose and im not stoping anyone else from potentially saving this bc there’s still like 7 slots open that anyone can join at any time...) anyways the last thing i wanted to say was i remember i was like a little peeved when they announced everyone who finished chapter 4.5 in the demon slayer collab would get kengo for free bc FARMING FOR KENGO AROUND THE TIME IT CAME OUT HURT BC I HADN’T BEEN HL FOR VERY LONG SO IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT, esp like bc extra II class suck worse than row iv bc you have to make the ccw element change for every goddamn class. but i was glad they compensated us with materials and i was mostly just glad for the extra silver centrums and steel brick (even tho i just realized i have fucking 50 steel bricks where the fuck did those come from like i don’t remember having so many), but i remember thinking to myself like oh wow thank 40 samurai distinctions, thats so useful, wow, what am i going to do make another murakumo and unsigned kaneshige?? i think im good. guess those will sit there forever... and then a couple days ago when i started thinking about finishing eahta up since i literally finished farming the demon slayer event the day after the second half was unlocked (when u can just auto extreme+ with ur fire team u don’t have to do shit, i got all the items i wanted and after than even played to get the 200 battle trophy for the heck of it. i only wanted the tickets, ring, dama crystals, steel, summon unlock mats just ‘cause those spellbooks, skill jewels, the fire urns bc i know they’re farmable but they’re annoying and i am low on fire urns, and then i was like i guess the summon since it’s a 1 copy only thing and can’t be reduced even though i’ll literally never use it bc i have gabriel and gabriel has a sub aura, i guess maybe it could be potentially useful for prometheus solo’ing because of the 1 turn debuff resistance, but the times i did solo prometheus i never had problems running out of veils or clears and tbh garnet carbuncle has a shorter cooldown and again i’ve got lily and gabriel already (and 5* lucifer now) so like i’d much rather have my four summon slots for that be gabe, moon ssr, luci, garnet carbuncle. (heck i don’t even take extra damage cuts for the wilnas trial vane, lily, gabriel, and 5* feower’s gravity and delaying the everloving shit out of wilnas is enough for me, though i’ve never done the raid so maybe it would be helpful there.) anyways then i just spend the rest of the event drops on half elixers, and back to what i was saying i was thinking about finishing eahta and looking at all the mats i need and then remember oh yeah i need 30 class distinctions don’t i? which ones do i need for eahta??? oH THAT’S RIGHT. SAMURAI DISTINCTIONS. so that fuckin worked out perfect (not that i don’t have the pendents to just buy them anyways). anyways im going to shut up now and probably never re-read any of this ramble i wrote ever again bc adhd brain be like no read only write

[todokori-kun]

For

 the queen, I’ll try my best (seriously tho why are you so nice? Like ???? how ??? Queen Luna is so freaking amazing)

AND NO IT’S REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT ADS:DLFJK omg

That really does sound fun! (lowkey jealous lol) hope you have a fantastic time!

Thanks! And, well, I was thinking of a very neutral blue-grey color scheme because it’s Ilumi, but then that also feels weird because of his green outfit? (like sure he has different oufits too but that weird green needle suit is the most well-known. Like, it’s the thing cosplayers always wear, the one he’s drawn wearing in most of the fanart…)

Illumi has his eyes on you

(this is probably true)

Do you think Kikyo and Silva (Mr. and Mrs. Zoldyck) ever bothered to teach that to him? They must have encouraged it. From a clip I watched recently it seems that Silva knew about the needle Illumi put in Killua’s head and was pretty much cool with it(…)

He’d drag Armin along with him. If Armin’s genius somehow wasn’t enough to put him into the top ten, Illumi’s really not above using Dead Eyes Intimidation + Zoldyck connections to make sure he’d get there…and then the needle would make sure Armin would never, ever dream of joining the Survey Corps or the Garrison.

That’s extremely accurate XD

Also, look at this cut exchange from Cabinet Battle 2:

Jefferson: Can you do me a favor?

Hamilton: Depends. I can try.

J: Can you tell Angelica Schuyler I said hi?

H: She’s never mentioned you.

J: She’s not the type who shares. But since you’re so interested in foreign affairs…

(Ouch.)

Yes, Eliza’s awesome ;-;

Well, the word got around, they said, ‘This kid is insane, man!’

Took up a collection just to send him to the mainland

‘Get your education, don’t forget from whence you came and

The world’s gonna know your name.

What’s your name, man?’

Kuroiwa is very much dead. Wonder how Takeomi’s gonna feel about this…first Yoriko, then his dad…;-;

Awww, at least you have tumblr friends? *hugs* and tbh I don’t have any fellow manga/anime fan friends over here either (though maybe that’s just because I don’t have any friends here at all lol)

Please join me in HxH hell. Please. I- I need someone to sob with me because I’m only like seven or eight volumes in and I just met Chrollo and omg please I have literally 0 friends in the HxH fandom (jk jk, just the fact that you listen to me rant out my favs is enough for me. TYSM for being such a queen <3)

And actually, it’s nowhere near as bad as TG or AoT! Like, it has emotional moments, but there aren’t that many character deaths? Like, sure, people die, some favs die, but so far it’s still reasonable and nobody seems to be rage-quitting the manga because of pointless angst.

Chrollo always looks good but yeah, that last style does uit him really well :)

Ging is horrible, but like you said, at least he tries and acknowledges that he’s a bad parent. In his own way. I mean, the whole journey to find him was something he designed himself to help Gon grow as a hunter (though that also connects to Ging’s slightly problematic habit of treating Gon more like a hunter to train than a child to raise…)

Excuse me Queen Luna do not compare yourself to this trashcan. He doesn’t deserve it.

I haven’t even met Pouf in the manga yet and I kinda love him.

ALL THE HAM/ELIZA FEELS.

I’m sad to say I did not cry at all during Hughes’ death/funeral. I felt a lot of pain but the tears just didn’t come OTL

I’m glad you appreciated the puns ;) (Seriously though seeing the blog back is so exciting <333)

Also: I will now send you some pics of Chrollo’s troupe members (AKA his loyal fellow criminals he’s so proud of them all), and of Ging’s student (Gon’s father figure), if that’s ok?

And I might gift you a surprise fic soon…I promise that it won’t be too angsty. Really. I would never lie to the queen :D

Last thing- is it ok if I rant more about OCs sometime? Mainly about the Love Interests for that Otome Game I mentioned a while ago (the thing I was trying to write a script for)…I’d just like some opinions on the LIs *Lenny Face*

Hi i’m back and ready to die.

I hate school, have I ever mentioned that?

Anyway, lately I’ve been losing my motivation for everything basically and that includes coming onto Tumblr, and I was wondering, do you have any app that has an instant messaging system? This is nothing against you personally, but my replies will be really slow, since I don’t even turn my computer on much these days… In fact, I feel incredibly guilty that I take so long to answer, I just don’t have the motivation…

On a happier note, I finally watched Civil War! And I ship Stony.  My heart is not okay.

Um what else happened… Norway is absolutely beautiful? It’s a place where fairytales would take place, especially the fjords. And I also saw a ton of Thor statues lol

I’d scream if Illumi had his eyes on me. If I’d have the time to before dying that is.

While we’re on HxH, that picture of Hisoka you sent me is just mmmmmm nice abs  He looks less trashy with his hair down. 

well fuck kuroiwa is dead… 

oh god trust me id be a shitty parent. a very very shitty parent. there’s a reason why i don’t want kids and the pain of giving birth is only a small part of it. not to mention i don’t have the patience to deal with a small human who can only shit or cry.

gah i know there was something else i wanted to tell you but forgot hnnnngh

uh well, ive returned to tg, so much about quitting. as long as my sweet sunshine is present, I’ll come back at any time. i just sincerely hope it is actually him and not a fake. 

oh yeah, ive started rereading soul eater! it’s a good manga, you just have to get past the first 2-3 volumes for it to get good. the initial parts are pure ecchi. 

i might spam the blog w some pictures of norway later ^^;;

sorry for the short&all over the place response, I’m just so so tired, even tho it’s only been one week of school. I blame my period.

Anyway, the next one will be longer, I swear!  I hope you’re not too mad…

[edit:] I REMEMBERED WHAT I WANTED TO SAY

I SAW BOOK OF ATLANTIC. LIZZY. MY BABY. SHE FINALLY GOT HER SCENE IT WAS BEAUTIFUL ALSO UNDERTAKER. DAAAAAAAAMN

oh and i’ve gotten around to watching Death Note and it casually broke my heart. good to know, good to know.