#ive learned so much about drawing women. and blood <3

[wuntrum]

jennifer('s body) 💞 redraw of this piece

[spookfished]

kades big media roundup (august)

hiii! like i said in my last post i spent a big portion of august being sick :| which involved spending like a Lot of the time sitting around playing pikmin 4, going "oh i think im thinking so hard about pikmin that its making me more tired?" and then playing more pikmin anyways. i 100%d this game guys it was so serious

books/comics/written media: paladins strength by ursula vernon: this is part of the saints of iron series, but i dont think context from the other books is really needed! romantasy/murder mystery about a nun and a paladin travelling together to the city by chance… they both have their own agendas but something draws them together 0///0 i found this really fun!! may have too much blood and guts for a pure romance fan but its very sort of pragmatic and down to earth in that ursula vernon way. nice dynamic between the leads, had a delightfully creepy (and sad!) antagonist and wrapped up threads from the previous book very nicely. would recommend 👍

in other words by jhumpa lahiri: semi autobiographical literary fiction about a (pulitzer winning) author who decides to move to italy and start writing exclusively in italian. (its translated!) hmmm as someone who also really loves languages but also doesnt really have the resources or desire to do something like. move to a different country (i mean maybe!) and only speak and write in that language from now on (probably not), it was a really interesting perspective. i was sort of put off by her attitude towards bengali but the whole "triangle of languages" theory makes sense… the writer is very straightforward and honest feeling in a way thats almost irritating sometimes but i think thats how a lot of artists are. and the concept alone is still very interesting.. lol anyways its a very short read so id still recommend 👍

the twisted ones by ursula vernon: horror. a woman is tasked with cleaning out her late hoarder grandmothers' house, located in rural north carolina. this was ursula vernons first horror book, i think! i was a little disappointed bc this wasnt very scary, exactly--but i feel like ive also been learning that even if i startle easily, my horror threshhold is actually very high……? i ended up liking what moves the dead more (it was scarier!) but this still had a fun cast of characters. still worth a read though :3 i enjoyed it

dungeon meshi by ryoko kui(catchup): manga about a group of adventurers looking for their lost friend. stuck in the dungeon for months on end, they resort to eating monsters! ohhhhh my god drags down myface dungeon meshi is literally one of the best manga out there and im glad everyone recognizes this. its about desire and need and the way unfulfilled desires is what propels our lives forward and gives them meaning and also how its SUPER IMPORTANT TO GET 3 NUTRITIOUS MEALS AND SLEEP 8 HOURS and all that. lol. phenomenal art i cant help but think that ryoko kui draws women as only a lesbian can..? highly recommend 👍

witch hat atelier by kamome shirahama(catchup): coming of age/fantasy manga--a girl discovers the secret behind the magic that powers her world. she's determined to use it to save her mother, but it may bring a heavy price--or maybe not at all…? like vita nostra (which i read last month!), this is also a book about learning magic that focuses heavily on pedagogy itself (which in this case is also a direct parallel to learning about art/drawing!). however, unlike vita nostra the characters are more like 10-11, and so it also takes a much more gentle and compassionate approach to how we should learn. but it also tackles some really interesting themes about restriction of information, and if said info should be restricted and why! and sort of digging deeper into the idea of "a secret hidden from the normal world". the art is soooo gorgeous i think its all done by hand? looks like a picture book can honestly get a bit overwhelming. highly recommend 👍

bloom into you: f/f manga about a girl who has never fallen in love, and a girl who never wants to be loved. bloom into you is one of those Yuri Classics that i enjoyed a lot as someone who has complicated feelings about romance :3 theres that really interesting quote thats like "love isnt about wanting someone to change or stay the same. when i say 'i love you,' its an expression of faith that even as you change, youll always be the person i adore"….. very interesting! also the sort of idea that you cant 'no true scotsman' love--you can just decide that you love someone, and then you do? kind of? anyways i thought it was pretty interesting :3

beastars: coming of age manga, set in a world kinda like zootopia but if someone thought about it way more. legosi, a large grey wolf struggles with distinguishing between his carnal desires and his, uh, carnivorous desires. ok EYE really liked it but also i think it handles a lot of themes really weirdly… maybe this is because legosi is just really fucking weird (this is definitely part of it) but in many ways beastars portrays the split between men and women as being even more uncrossable than the split between herbivores and carnivores.. which to me was surprising since the manga itself is written by a woman? definitely look up a TW list if youre planning on reading lol. it definitely has some of the best "what if animals lol" worldbuilding out there. i had louis/legosi/haru ot3 in my heart the whole way through LOL but i, uh, dont really think legosi and haru work as a couple just by themselves .. also the gaybait in here is crazy. i think past the midway or maybe 3/4 point it kinda starts to lose focus, but it still had a lot of compelling drama. yayyy louis beastars i think more theater kids should go through unbelievable self-inflicted pain

beast complex: anthology about the surrounding stories of the ppl of beastars. SO fun many people agree that the best part of beastars was the worldbuilding and this was basically all that. very fun :3

surviving romance: horror/adventure? chaerin wants nothing more than to live her fated fairy-tale life--so much so that people other than her love interest appear as nothing more than extras. one day ZOMBIES ATTACK!!!!11! very fun :33 maybe this is just me but is meta stuff getting more popular because of orv…? its not doing it as well ngl but still entertaining. chaerin trying to gain the trust of ppl that she originally didnt gaf about is fun

video games: pikmin 4: pikmin 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its a game about being 1 inch tall and controlling your hordes of small creatures (pikmin) to gather things like fruits. i think i bought this when i was sick because i saw a post that was like "pikmin cured my executive function" lol everyone who plays pikmin doesnt fucking shut up about what an indie gem it is but theyre kinda right………pikmin is really good…. its all about finding beauty and joy in the small intricacies of this wide world……i know some people were annoyed by the story parts but i thought it was cute idk :] and oatchi was there . recommend if you like games like starcraft or if you like watching ants carry around a giant caterpillar

movies: farewell my concubine: coming of age/literary/tragedy/historical/??? its a wong kar wai movie. dieyi has nothing in his life but the stage, where he plays as the faithful concubine to a doomed king. his life offstage is much more fraught. i would dearly love to read any articles or things about this movie so if you got anything come find me? ALSO if you have the forbidden cancelled broadway adaption script please let me know. im so curious. ok so its a wong kar wai movie so everyone knows its crazy good already. did watch it when i was sick so not super coherent ideas about it but its like omggggg dieyiii hes so doomed. the way it integrated with history was also interesting (i kinda cant believe someone made a rakugo-based adaptaiton of this. bro it doesnt WORK like that) its really interesting that like dieyis single point of friction between himself and consort yu is his gender.. but that constant emasculation is also what allows him to be so unique in theater and have a special bond w xiaolou.. man well it really was a movie. i want to see it again in a couple months maybe..? its about performance and gender and Performance of Gender and sexuality and cyclical violence and art during a time of strife and art as apolitical and also art as very political. and also a lot of other stuff. very awesome

we are the tigers: thriller musical about a terrible group of cheerleaders coming together for the first meeting of the year. and bad shit happens!!! omg i love girls who kill. and girls who kill each other i dont think this was particularly deep or anything but i enjoyed it :3

nope: horror movie about oj and em, two siblings struggling to keep their stunt horse business running after their father dies. ok well like above its a jordan peele movie so of course its very good. scary as well! i loved the themes… i went back to when ppl were talkingabout the movie to see what people said! ngl i kinda thought jupe was going to have a bigger part in the movie but he was cool as he was. idk it was just very enjoyable and had a lot of things to think about. the idea of spectacle and like.. tragedy-voyeurism are something thats really important to examine closely in times like these i think?

when harry met sally: ROMCOM YAYY about a man and a woman meeting each other across multiple periods of their life. literally one of the only romcoms i can remember my dad openly admit to liking it really deserves the hype. its so heartfelt and sweet and genuinely funny and the character development is so good. its like gay people for straight people

how to lose a man in 10 days: romcom about a guy who thinks he can make any girl fall in love vs a girl who is trying to give the worst dating experience possible. um well it was ok? i only really felt the chemistry between the main leads in a couple of scenes (like when she visits his home) it wasnt really funny or romantic enough..? especially given that most of the humor was predicated on LOL LOOK HOW SHITTY AND CONTROLLING GFS CAN BE which is like ok fine. whatever. idk it was ok

annihilation: horror about a group of scientists who go into a unsettling area to see whats wrong with it.. um well i read the book first and i had heard that this was a pretty good adaptation ? a la howls moving castle book vs movie. i thought it was pretty good? but WAY more focused on the horror stuff than the book, and also (bc its a movie) not really able to focus on the characters interiorities as much..? and also like the way the characters slowly lose it in weird ways and their dynamic frays was one of the cooler parts of annihilation (book) to me. i think at the time having queer characters and characters of color and a cast comprised almost entirely of women was a pretty big deal though i think i heard a lot about it on tumblr lol. its hard not to nitpick on lots of details but i thought it was pretty good overall! a lot of the differences that i didnt like that much made sense as a migration from book->movie--like for example if theyd made the mc as cold and unfeeling it would have been harder to have her be a sympathetic movie protagonist. i thought the infidelity plot w the professor was kind of a timewaster though . anyways still recommend 👍

blue beetle: action movie about a guy whos blue and a beetle. i liked this a surprising amount but i also saw it with friends. the first half of the movie is kinda better than the first also being a tokusatsu fan makes me go "wow this would be so much better if it was with suit actors" lol but the first half of the movie was sooo fun i think also had a really good depiction of a genttrifying city which i enjoyed

oppenheimer: historical drama about that one guy. copy pasting my thoughts from discord: even my dad who liked the movie more was like wow… this movie was kinda too long idk i think it was like technically cool in terms of like imagery and sound and actgin and stuff. but i like wasnt really moved LOL. christopher nolan is playing a little game where i have to recognize as many white men in sequence as possible and im going to be real i can manage maybe like 3? also the whole outer shell plot with strauss and misha collins (EDIT: it was not misha collins) who literally unironically said "youre the god of shadows now" (????) was like. um well this is really intricate but also i dont really care…? like am i supposed to have a stake in this…..? and sort of the intertwining of that story combined w the creation of the atomic bomb was like kinda so-so (my inability to tell faces didnt help w this) it was fine but not really my kind of movie. omg i did like the part with like all the thundering applause and stuff but it blows up there was this part where they kept on being like omg the X incident. all this stuff happened with X and i was like wow what is it….. turns out it was literally referring to a recurring character that i neither remembered nor could recognize. sad

us: horror movie about doubles. YESSS SO FUCKING SCARY i watched this on the airplane to school and the old lady sitting next to me had to watch me hyperventilating and clutching my chest and the whole nine yards. definitely the scariest jordan peele movie. man and the twist at the end was so freaking good. i think its the scariest because the danger is so there, and so immediate, but the beginning part of the movie actually succeeded (for me?) in getting you to be invested in the characters as well. i was wondering if maybe the doubles were also supposed to be connected to like ideas of caricature about black people..? it leaves just enough unanswered that youre still scared. and the questions that do get answered leave you with………THE HORRIFYING TRUTH!! god what a good movie

moonlight: coming of age about a boy who struggles with being black and gay during the crack epidemic of the 80s/90s. < sorry if this isnt a good summary i remember this was a pretty important film when it came out.. i watched part of it a couple years ago and then just remembered to finish this month. its a good movie… you kinda just sit with it yk. hm i (obviously?) dont have a lot of experience with black masculinity but i thought it was interesting how vulnerability can be like taken away from you or you can withhold it from yourself..and that can feel or even be really powerful! but its also like never too late to do that until youre dead. waves my hands around

thanks if you got to the end of this :3 stg ive had like 5 books on loan that ive had on loan for several months by now? idk if ill be able to get to them now (its the beginning of the school year..) but hopefully. i will do that soon. me n neil are sort of planning to get into "film bro movies" were watching the shining soon im very excited. see you later!

[olivetreehugger]

SnK Warriors as Health Care Workers

I’m an ICU nurse, and I’ve come across a tonnnn of different types of healthcare workers in my line of work. These are just my hc’s for what kind of HCWs the Warrior unit would be. These are totally my opinion! Also, real healthcare is NOT the same as TV healthcare, not every doctor is a surgeon (and they’re not the best, either). Anyway, here we go :)

Warnings: mentions of blood, medical procedures, opioids, death

-Zeke: he’d be a fourth year neurosurgery resident. Neurosurgery residents are either cold, arrogant assholes or fun bros. No in-between. They’re always on the move or in surgery honing their skills. They don’t sleep and they’re on call 24/7. 

Zeke is always carrying a strong, black Starbucks coffee and reeks of cigarette smoke. He’s always exhausted because he's covering all the neuro patients in the hospital overnight and then rounds with the attending (Magath? idk) in the morning til like 2pm. It’s a miracle he doesn’t kill anyone. He’s wicked smart and super talented in the OR, but kind of a dick with the nurses. He shows up at the bedside to do a quick procedure, doesn’t tell the nurses ahead of time. He grabs all the supplies on his own because “the nurses don’t know what I like” and then when he’s done he’ll leave the leftover dirty gloves, removed drain, stray bloody gauze, and empty boxes all over the room. He has a somewhat asinine attitude towards patients, poor bedside manner. He doesn’t order pain  medication for the intubated patient before removing a drain bc “they’re sedated, right?” No, Dr. Jaeger, neuro patients don’t get heavy sedation. Please order a small dose of pain meds. You’re hurting them. “Oh, right. I’ll order that.” No, he won’t. Zeke always promises to throw in orders, always forgets. 

You’ll spend your shift paging him for orders, cleaning up after him and getting rude comments over the phone. He’s gonna make a fantastic neurosurgeon, though. He’ll save your life.

-Porco: An ER resident for SURE. He loves the chaos of the emergency department. A typical male in healthcare-he loves the trauma, the blood and guts, the crazy. He tries to avoid pregnant women and kids, they freak him out. BUT, that didn’t stop him from holding a woman’s hand when she gave birth right there in the ER lobby.  Great bedside manner. So smart. And he’s super sweet, actually??? He also creates secret handshakes with the kids and sweet talks the old ladies to make them more comfortable. He tells them to call him Pock or Porco, not Dr. Galliard.

Unfortunately, When he first started, he got a little too cocky and claimed he didn’t need to scan a patient after getting hit in the chest with a hockey stick. Patient suffered a ruptured vessel and almost died right there. After a very rigid monitoring program, he was able to practice again. He’s also a giant flirt. He dated most nurses in the hospital and they ALL talk about his dick game.

Porco rides his motorcycle to work and sometimes skips his helmet. All the nurses shame him for it, reminding him of the horrible head injuries that come in through the trauma bay because of motorcycle crashes. He comes in double fisting Monster energy drinks and jamming to whatever his air pods are playing probably Hamilton. ER residents are chaotic and funny and Porco is no different. During a code blue (a patient’s heart stopped) he kept calm and hummed “stayin’ alive” while they performed CPR. He runs a code like a goddamn CHAMP. He has ACLS memorized to a T and intubates better than most attendings. The nurses will tell him the patient’s labs look better after the medication he ordered and he’ll be like “Hell yeah, let’s keep it goin’” or “A’ight let’s get crazy” before an emergency procedure. If the nurses can’t place an IV, you bet your sweet ass he’s grabbing the ultrasound and throwing a few in for them <3

Pieck: She’s an infectious disease PA. She’s very soft-spoken, patient and intelligent. Orders and notes are always flawless. Apologizes whenever she orders blood cultures and even offers to draw them for the nurses if they’re busy. She buys everyone pizza when she’s on the unit. All the nurses love her. She’s perfect. 

Annie: A nightshift CVICU nurse. There’s a joke online that cardiovascular/cardiothoracic ICU nurses are the biggest bitches ever.  And it’s true, most are. BUT. Annie is probably the best nurse to have if you’ve just come out of open-heart surgery or had a lung transplant. She knows exactly what to do when a patient is crashing and is a BEAST when it comes to chest compressions. She is a pro at putting in IVs and troubleshooting pumps/machines when they don’t work. She has every single lab value, test and medication stored in that brain of hers and can pull it out before you can finish asking a question. 

She gives a quick, concise report on all her patients and expects the same. If you don’t, she rolls her eyes at you and rushes you. “I don’t need useless information. What drips are you running?” She gets in trouble sometimes because she makes her student nurses cry, but “why don’t they know how to zero an arterial line? it’s not my fault they don’t know their stuff.” No, Annie. You’re supposed to teach them. “Oh.” 

She wears the newest, cutest scrubs and has an ivory and rose-gold stethoscope. Don’t tell her it’s basic, though, she’ll put you on her shit list lol. She also hates being floated to the medical ICU because “they don’t know what they’re doing”. 

Reiner: Our king is a medical ICU nurse who started in the ER. He loved the wild west that was the ER but started to feel burnt out after seeing so many child deaths and cases of abuse. When he finally realized what it was doing to him he applied for a medical ICU position on night shift and transferred right away.

Baby, he thrived there. This guy is so compassionate with his patients and knows how to advocate for them well. He has a great rapport with all the physicians (except Porco, when Reiner was working ER they would butt heads frequently) He’s great to give report to, never gives the previous nurse a rough time. When he reports off to the next shift, his rooms are a little messy sometimes but he ALWAYS has extra supplies for you and the patient is clean. He learned so much from the patients and his peers that he was eventually promoted to charge RN. He’s the best charge nurse. Knows all the protocols and will call any doctor for you. Anytime you need help doing a procedure, he’s your man: IVs? “How many you want?” Blood draw? “I’ll grab the tubes”. Patient’s about to code? “I got compressions”. Call security for the violent patient down the hall? “I AM security”. 

His scrubs are a little snug around his shoulders and chest and he knows this. Baby likes to show off. He likes to flex his muscles for anyone watching, but he’s not a douche. Reiner is an absolute gentleman with his female coworkers, never complains when they ask him for lifting help. In fact, he loves being of use. It’s why he’s a nurse in the first place: he loves helping people <33

Bertholdt: He started with Reiner in the ER but wanted something more stable so he transferred to the burn unit (get it?). Reiner still hasn’t forgiven him. 

Colt: He’s in nursing school but loved the idea of being a trauma nurse. Then he did a clinical rotation in the trauma ICU and fainted when a confused patient ripped a screw out of his fractured arm. After that he decided to do pediatrics lol.

[midnightinkdreams]

Illuminate

Pairing: Faramir x fem!Reader

Time: Pre-LoTR

A/N: I started this fic like 3 years ago and I’ve been adding to it slowly- can’t believe I’ve finally finished it. It’s one of my longest fanfics and I’m quite happy with how it turned out. 

The title is for the song by Wildes.

Summary/Preview:

“My Lord,” you address your stranger with a slight bow of your head, causing him to jerk out his reverie, the blood rising to his cheeks as he grows suddenly embarrassed.

“My Lady,” he replies, reaching out to take your free hand and when he bows to press a kiss to your knuckles, you find that you are blushing. You know this behaviour is far too bold, for you have not even been introduced but you are enchanted and-

“Have you two already met?” Lothiriel asks, her voice disrupting your thoughts. Your stranger drops your hand, steps away, and the spell is broken.

I

It is late, and come morning when you’ll have to join the patrol to Edhellond, you know you will regret your decision to spend so much time searching for the accursed book. But, as is always the case when you set foot in the Library of Saphadzir, the minutes turn to hours and you barely notice.

By the time you find the book you are looking for– a rare history of the Dunedain– it’s nearly midnight, and as a testament to your terrible luck today, you find that your usual reading nook is already occupied.

Normally, you would turn away and find a different alcove, but it has been a long day and the thought of doing so is not pleasant at all, so you move forward with the intention of asking the current occupant if he would mind sharing.

He looks up at you as you approach the table, and for a few breathless seconds, you feel as if time has frozen.

Oh blessed Eru, but he is handsome!

You open your mouth to make your request, find that the words will not come out– in fact, what was your question?– and shut it again, your cheeks rapidly heating with embarrassment at your uncharacteristic awkwardness.

Luckily for you, this strange man seems equally flustered, and after he pushes back his chair and stands, he remains silent too, simply looking at you.

“I..I’m sorry,” you begin finally, “I did not mean to interrupt your studies, my Lord.”

You don’t finish what you’d been meaning to say– that you’d leave him to read in peace– but you’re proud that you’ve at least managed to apologize and utter a complete sentence.

And it seems to be enough, for he picks up the thread of this awkward conversation and makes it into anything but.

“Please, my Lady, there’s no need to apologize, you did not disturb me and you’re more than welcome to join me- there’s room enough for the both of us.”

He smiles at you as he says this, a gentle smile that lights up his eyes, and your heart stops beating for a second, so taken are you by that smile.

But somehow you manage a smile of your own and murmur your gratitude as you take a seat opposite him.

The conversation is sparing throughout the rest of night, both of you becoming rapidly engrossed by your books, but when you leave him a few hours before dawn, you do so with a strange sense of contentment. And it is only as you arrive at your rooms, still unable to erase a faint smile from your face, that your peaceful reverie is shattered.

For you realize that you had not learned your handsome stranger’s name and so you have no way to seek him out. And as you realize that you might never see him again, your heart sinks, and you are gripped by a depth of despair that seems entirely unreasonable.

II

As it turns out, you needn’t have worried at all.

It is evening and you are just returning to the Keep, your patrol having been entirely uneventful, when you find yourself face to face with the very man who has been occupying your thoughts, in company with Lothiriel.

“Cousin,” you greet Lothiriel but cannot help directing your smile at your stranger, “this is a surprise- should you not be in the Hall, attending court for your father’s audiences of the day?”

“I’m happy to see you too, cousin,” she replies, her smile turning mischievous as she notices that her companion’s gaze does not stray from you for even a second.

“My Lord,” you address your stranger with a slight bow of your head, causing him to jerk out his reverie, the blood rising to his cheeks as he grows suddenly embarrassed.

“My Lady,” he replies, reaching out to take your free hand and when he bows to press a kiss to your knuckles, you find that you are blushing. You know this behaviour is far too bold, for you have not even been introduced but you are enchanted and-

“Have you two already met?” Lothiriel asks, her voice disrupting your thoughts. Your stranger drops your hand, steps away, and the spell is broken.

“Yes, cousin, we have. Though I am ashamed to admit that I still have not thought to ask for the lady’s name. Forgive me, my lady, but I was dazzled by both your wit and your beauty and seem to have lost all semblance of courtesy.”

There is a hint of a grin on his face as he addresses this last to you, obviously expecting an introduction, and yet you are too caught up in the fact that he too has called Lothiriel cousin for that must mean he is the steward’s son, newly arrived from Minas Tirith.

“Faramir, this is ___, daughter of my mother’s sister, she has been my father’s ward for nearly seven years now,” Lothiriel says, taking it upon herself to speak when you remain silent, “___, Faramir is Aunt Findulais’s son.”

“A pleasure to meet you, Lord Faramir,” you tell him with a smile and the slightest dip of your head for you are loath to drop his gaze.

“The pleasure is all mine, my Lady ___,” he moves a little closer to you again as he speaks and you find yourself blushing.

“Well,” Lothiriel begins, stepping away from the pair of you, “___, I’m certain you would not mind showing Faramir around the rest of the city.”

It is not a question and before you can think of some way to make her stay while also taking your leave, she is gone, leaving you alone with Faramir. And suddenly your heart is beating far too fast and you have to make a conscious effort not to breathe too hard.

Your only saving grace is that when you tear your gaze from Lothiriel’s now-distant form and return it to your companion, you find that his cheeks are tinged red and he seems just as out of sorts as you yourself.

“I do apologize for Lothiriel’s abrupt departure, my Lord,” you have to practically force the words out but you know you have to start somewhere and you suppose you could have chosen something worse to say. Luckily for you, he doesn’t remark on your noticeable awkwardness, choosing instead to continue as if this were a situation as normal as any other.

“Faramir,” he tells you, lips curving into a smile again, “just Faramir will do, ___.”

And there is that blush again, he seems equally as surprised as you at how forward he has just been. Had you been one of the ladies at court, practiced in charm and coquetry, you might have teased him for it. Instead, all you can do is softly repeat his name with a smile and a blush of your own.

III

The days-- weeks-- that follow pass in something of a haze. You feel as if you spend almost every waking moment with Faramir, every moment when you are not with him is spent on thoughts of him, and every moment when you sleep is spent on dreams filled with him.

More often than not, he joins you in the morning, on patrol or for drills. You fight well, as well as the best knights in the city, and you have been told this many times but when Faramir looks at you fight and his eyes fill with equal parts awe and respect, you feel both relieved and proud.

It is a blessing, you think, that this lord from the capital is in awe of your skill, for do they not have many better warriors there? A blessing also that he can feel this way about your choice of occupation as you have heard that women are not allowed to fight in Minas Tirith. Even here, in Dol Amroth, you can count the number of women in the ranks of the Swan Knights on the fingers of one hand.

Initially, you wonder why it pleases you so that Faramir appreciates your skill with a sword the same way he would any man’s.

But as the days pass, you stop wondering and begin to know.

In the afternoons, Faramir accompanies you as you browse through trinkets at the markets. He tells you stories of Minas Tirith and his brother, and you reciprocate with stories of your own- tales of scrapes you and Lothiriel had gotten into as children. And it is one of those that draws the first true laugh you’ve heard from him.

He laughs with his whole heart, shoulders shaking, face lighting up, eyes dancing, and your heart skips a beat at the sight of him like that.

On one moon-drenched night, two weeks to the day you’ve met him, you take him on a walk around the city walls, to show him the views of the city and the bay as you love them best. And that is the start of a new tradition for you begin to spend your evenings with him, walking the city with your hand tucked through his elbow, your head resting on his shoulder, feeling almost cocooned in his warmth.

On some nights you go to hear the musicians play in one of the many courtyards; on others, you end up at the library, reading together in that very alcove where you had first met.

And so, you come to realize that you no longer remember how to pass an entire day without him, that you’ve forgotten the feeling of a heart that doesn’t have him in it. That you are falling in love with him.

IV

Not surprisingly, it is Lothiriel who first brings up the topic of marriage, and as she mentions that she will miss you terribly when you marry Faramir and leave for Minas Tirith her voice is light, just a little teasing, and she doesn’t seem to realize the effect her words have on you.

And it is quite the effect- you feel as if the breath has been sucked out of you and suddenly you are overwhelmed as a series of images flash through your head, images of a life lived far away from your home and your family, of giving up your duty as a Swan Knight, a duty that you have trained for all your life.

Because you have heard the stories, oh you have heard so many of them. Of Lady Findulais who went to Minas Tirith for love of a man, and faded away for love of the city she left behind- beautiful Dol Amroth. Of Lord Denethor, her husband, whose coldness after her passing is spoken of as common knowledge.

In Faramir you see an ending for yourself that is equally painful, and so, in fear, you start to distance yourself.

You, in your innocence, hope that he will forget about you if you do not see him as often.

But of course, you cannot avoid him entirely, for he is present at every dinner you share with your adoptive family in the Court of the Prince, for they are his family too. And on several nights, you catch a glimpse of his burnished bronze hair in a corner of the library, and flee immediately, hoping that he has not seen you.

Hoping that this thing between you two will fade away over time.

Needless to say, your hopes are in vain.

V

He confronts you late one night when the moon is high in the sky and you are walking along the walls of the city, trying your utmost to enjoy the view that had once brought a smile to your lips in seconds but now fails despite the passage of almost an hour.

You turn away as soon as you see him, intent on making your way off the walls before he can catch up to you, and then what, you don’t know, you suppose you could retreat to your rooms, he cannot follow you there.

But it’s too late, and he is beside you before you know it, and you find yourself quite unable to escape his presence. So you steel yourself and turn to face him, but not without first putting a few paces between you, for you cannot bear to be too close to him. [It would be far too easy to just reach for him, reach for him and lay a hand on his arm as you had been wont to do when the two of you were still happy and together and just falling in love, and you don’t trust yourself to resist the temptation.]

You don’t greet him, too scared of what you might say if you start talking, and after a long moment spent staring at each other in silence, he gives in with a sigh and eyes filled with regret.

“Have I done something to anger you?” he asks, hands clenched at his side, and you wonder if he is facing the same struggle as you, if he wants to reach out to you just as badly.

You have to fight to remind yourself that it does not matter, that there are far more important things than this...tangled web between you two.

“It was but a dream, Faramir,” you tell him finally, voice as gentle as possible, even as your heart crumbles, “and you know as well as I that nothing can come of it.”

“You cannot mean that,” he protests immediately, the heartbreak you are trying so hard to hide showing plain on his face, “I will not give you up, ___.”

“My lord, you must,” you revert to formalities in an attempt to distance yourself from him, the same reason you refuse to meet his gaze, looking instead at the moonlight shimmering on the waves. Trying to use it to strengthen your resolve- the beauty of this city you have chosen over him.

“Do you not love me then, my lady?” he asks, voice suddenly broken, speaking with the desperation of a man who knows he is about to lose that which is most precious to him, yet does not understand how it has come to that, “will you not even look at me?”

“I cannot,” you whisper the answer to both his questions, words barely audible to your own ears, and yet you know that he has heard you, for he does not say any more.

But he stands beside you in silence for several long minutes, and suddenly you realize that he still hopes you will take it all back.

So you press your lips into a firm line, keep your gaze fixed forward, and only when he leaves– almost ten minutes later– and his footsteps fade into the distance do you allow yourself to cry.

VI

“I had thought you were leaving,” you begin, a hint of a question to your tone, a hint of something broken, “I had thought you would be halfway to Minas Tirith by now.”

“I was supposed to leave, yes, but I could not bring myself to it.”

“Oh” is all you can manage, so shaken are you by his unexpected appearance, by his words, and you drop his gaze, fully intending to walk away, when he reaches out and catches hold of your wrist, and you freeze, half turned away from him.

“___, please,” he says, “if you would only hear me out.”

And he sounds so pained that you cannot deny him, cannot bring yourself to do anything other than turn to him and look into his eyes and address him by name.

“What is it, Faramir?”

“I am in love with you, ___, you know this,” he pauses, waits for you to nod and gulp back tears, does the same himself before continuing, “and I would like to stay, here, in Dol Amroth, and live out the rest of my days with you, if you will have me.”

You let out a strangled noise-- half-gasp half-sob-- before you can stop yourself, and then you stare at him, one hand clapped over your mouth, the other fastening into a fist around a handful of your cloak in some meager attempt to ground yourself.

In your mind his words repeat themselves, over and over again, and you feel entirely adrift, unable to focus on anything but those words, and the impossible offer the man you will always love has just made.

“Faramir, I,” you begin when you finally feel able to speak, “I don’t… you do not know what you’re saying. You cannot mean that. Your place is in your city, with your brother.”

He reaches out, his hands gentle as he coaxes your fingers from their death grip on your cloak, and slowly he draws your hand up to his lips, and the kiss he places on it is oh so warm.

“I do mean it, because my place is here, by your side. I have known this to be true since I met you, and I think you know it too,” his eyes don’t drift from yours even once and he moves closer to you as he speaks until he is standing right in front of you and his breath flutters over your lips, “So tell me, my Lady, will you accept? Will you marry me?”

Your heart twists, hurts, and you shut your eyes for a long moment, convinced that when you open them, you will find that it is all a dream, that Faramir is not in front of you, offering you happiness, offering you his love, offering to give up his place in Minas Tirith, for you.

But when you steel yourself and open your eyes, you find that he is still right there in front of you with a smile on his lips and hope in his eyes- so you let yourself smile too, let yourself laugh, let your heart soar.

“Yes,” you tell him, the only word you can manage to speak, but it is spoken with absolute conviction and it seems to be all he needs.

For he sweeps you into his arms, seemingly uncaring of the people milling about the square around you, and when he bends to fit his lips to yours, you find that you don’t much care about anything other than his kiss either.

[im-genie-for-your-wish]

“That’s my dragon.” [D.O.] (3/12)

Group: EXO Member: D.O Word Count: 1215 (chapter) / 13156 (total) Summary: Do Kyungsoo, stereotypical brooding genius who doesn't really play any role in your life... Until Dame Boah declares the two of you must take care of an dragon egg together to see who gets the chance to become a full-fledged Dragon Rider. With the stakes raised sky high, you struggle with your newfound archnemesis and your tumultuous relationship with him, learning a little (a lot?) about yourself along the way. Tags: Enemies to lovers

PART I  |  Part II  |  Part III  |  Part IV  |  Part V  |  Part VI  |  Part VII  |  Part VIII  |  Part IX  |  Part X  |  Part XI  |  Part XII  |  All

“She’s totally crazy.” Kyungsoo gnawed on his thumbnail, and his steps grew louder and louder as he trudged down the hallway.

Chanyeol patted his friend on the shoulder. “I think you’re one step away from having a nervous breakdown. You need to calm down.”

Kyungsoo’s footsteps grew even louder. “I can’t! I can’t relax as long as she’s there, and she’s always there like every mome—”

“She also has a right to the egg,” reminded Chanyeol. He was used to being the voice of reason during Kyungsoo’s freak-outs. “Look, forget about it. We’re going to have a good time going out because you’ve spent so much time in the nursery that I’m worried you might turn into an egg.”

“Fine.” Kyungsoo forced himself to relax, sucking in deep breath after deep breath. “How was mucking out the stables after Dame Boah caught you and Jongdae trying to prank the newcomers?”

Faced with Chanyeol’s bright smile and soothing voice, Kyungsoo calmed down. By the time they reached the tavern, he felt downright mellow. And then he walked in and saw you. You obviously hadn’t noticed him yet, judging from the giant grin plastered on your face. You never smiled like that with him, barely showed any other expression other than a smirk or tight-lipped frown. What had you laughing so hard now?

“No way.” Your husky voice travelled across the room crystal clear. Kyungsoo was sure that he’d be able to pick you out of a crowd of a thousand voices by this point since he’d heard you complain and nag so often.

“That her?” Chanyeol peered over Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “She doesn’t look too bad.”

“Neither do you,” snapped Kyungsoo as he slunk toward the other end of the bar. You still hadn’t noticed him yet which surprised him. Usually by this time you would glare at him and throw a sarcastic quip his way. Something had grabbed your attention.

Someone, Kyungsoo corrected himself as he watched you lean over and touch the bicep of the person sitting across from you.

Chanyeol observed the scene, an amused smile playing over his lips. “You know if you stare any harder your eyeballs might fall out of your head.”

“Who’s staring?” Kyungsoo muttered, accepting the drink Chanyeol handed him without protest. “It’s just nice to know that she’s annoying other people too.”

“Right”—Chanyeol raised up both hands to form air quotes—“annoying them. They don’t look so annoyed to me.” As if to prove his point, the person across from you threw back their head and guffawed, drawing the attention of several nearby bar occupants. “You didn’t tell me she was funny.”

“She’s not.” Distracted by your antics, Kyungsoo took a large swig of his drink and burst out coughing. “Shit, Chanyeol, what’s in this?” Chanyeol began to list off a rather large number of alcohols, and Kyungsoo shook his head. “Whatever.” He turned his attention back to the drink, rotating his body so that he faced toward Chanyeol and away from you, and decided to ignore you the rest of the night. He should’ve known better than to think he could accomplish such a task.

In the middle of recounting an unsavory tale of cow dung and flaking dragon scales, Chanyeol’s eyes widened. Kyungsoo felt the sigh bubble up from his chest before it left his throat. He refused to turn around.

“Uh,” Chanyeol squeaked as the sound of splintering wood and high-pitched screaming filled the air, “I think your friend might be in trouble.”

“She’s not my friend,” Kyungsoo said even as he slipped out of his chair and made his way toward the scene.

“Touch her one more time!” You shook off the restraining hands of well-meaning onlookers and kicked the stool in front of you again. The man before you cowered. He held up his hands, mumbling about forgiveness. The barmaid was long gone. No doubt she had ran the instant you had shoved the man off his chair, unwilling to lose her job over a slight that was considered “part of the industry.”

“I’m not interested in your excuses.” You dragged the man up by his collar, flexing your arms as you did so. You spent your days wrangling dragons; dealing with a civilian was no problem. “You don’t touch the women working here. Got it?” A slight tightening of your fist caused the man to nod. “Good.” You dropped him, unwilling to deal with the issue any longer.

When you spun around and saw Kyungsoo, you couldn’t help but groan. “You always turn up at the worst times, don’t you?”

Kyungsoo dropped a coin purse onto the counter as he bowed and apologized to the terrified manager behind the counter. So despite your good intentions, you still came out looking like the bad guy. You reached for your own coin purse—you could pay for your own mistakes—when a large hand swept down in front of you.

Park Chanyeol gave you a bright smile as he spoke your name. “I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

You pushed past your confusion and shook his hand. “Likewise.”

Later on, after you had begrudgingly thanked Kyungsoo and went on your merry way back home, you wondered how exactly Do Kyungsoo had landed a friend like Park Chanyeol. Chanyeol was everything he wasn’t—tall, bright, talkative, beautiful smile, kind eyes. What kind of sorcery had Kyungsoo cast to make this friendship happen?

Chanyeol burst out laughing when you asked him. “You know Kyungsoo’s actually a nice guy if you can believe it.”

“I can’t.” Your blood boiled just at the thought of him. The two of you had fallen into a cold war after the incident at the bar. He refused to take his money back no matter how many places you hid the coins. In your desperation, you asked Chanyeol to meet you so that he could give the money to Kyungsoo instead.

Chanyeol’s dragon, a young flighty Asian Wyrm named Toben, snorted in amusement. His hot breath stank of rotten meat.

“You have got to rinse after your meal,” you chided the dragon.

“Toben’s offended,” Chanyeol said. He moved to the opposite side as he continued to rub down the black dragon’s scales. “He says that he rinses in the river after every meal.”

Not good enough, you thought, but you didn’t voice it out loud. You weren’t here to antagonize Chanyeol’s dragon. “Could you just give him this?” You lobbed the bag of money over Toben’s long neck. “Please?”

The jingling of coins signaled to you that Chanyeol caught the bag. “All right on one condition.”

You froze in the middle of your sneaky exit.

“You gotta stop giving my friend such a hard time.” Chanyeol’s usually light tone turned serious. “I know that you probably have your backstory, but Kyungsoo does too. All I’m saying is try to get to know him some. You might find that he’ll surprise you.”

You heaved out a sigh. “Fine.” Chanyeol was right; you hadn’t bothered to get to know Kyungsoo at all because from your first interaction, you had labeled him as unredeemable. But you had your reasons to hold onto this dragon egg and so did Kyungsoo. It would only be fair to try and get to know them.

[gaarfielf]

my list of lupin movies ive watched for the sake of keeping track and making sure i dont rewatch some

Castle of Cagliostro (10)

favourite Lupin movie of all time. Fantastic art, cast, plot, everything.

Blood Seal: Eternal Mermaid (8.5)

Really good animation and really interesting plot. Another ‘Lupin has to babysit’ movie but it was treated in such a way that set it apart from other ones. He gives her a lot of good advice and overall I really enjoyed this one even if it’s kind of underrated.

Burning Memory - Tokyo Crisis (8.5)

Surprisingly good like I wasn’t expecting a 90′s Lupin movie to come for me like this but the animation is really solid and the movie itself was really funny. I also liked that Maria and Zenigata weren’t a thing like that cleared my pores.

The Bloodspray of Ishikawa Goemon (8)

The animation is fucking stellar but there were odd gaps in the movie that were really inactive. I liked the two subplots going on though like they were both interesting.

Bye Bye Lady Liberty (8)

The classic convoluted subplots worked well here tbh and the Goemon romance stuff was gunshot noise gunshot noise cash register noise. The animation had this weird glow to it but it was (almost) the 90s lol

Hemingway Papers (8)

They really got me with Goemon and Jigen going against each other and Lupin being in a relationship with someone aside from Fujiko (a relationship that was genuinely romantic) was actually pretty well done. That whole bit at the end with the karaoke machine? Amazing

Return the Treasure (7)

Another one that was really close to being perfect. The only loose ends was that the “treasure” wasn’t really explained very well (but i mean, the lead up to it was very good) and i could’ve done with more scenes with the whole gang (it seemed like there was a lot of times where it was lupin jigen and fujiko or lupin goemon and fujiko, but not enough of all of them together)

From Siberia With Love (7) 

The usual amount of humour and action from a Lupin III film and the art is pretty standard. Goemon got a few nice quotes in and Fujiko talked to a woman. Could’ve done without Rasputin but thats just me.

Elusiveness of the Fog (7)

Lupin offering Goemon to the princess was kinda funny and I actually really liked OG Mamo (not the short freak) being revitilized bc his episode in the original series was really entertaining. The history of where they were was a little wonky but I’ll give it to them this time.

Pilot Film (7)

That shit was wild i liked how jigen was introduced as the gunman and then beat the shit out of 3 police officers with his bare hands. also goemon i guess dedicates his life to killing lupin so thats fun, like he’s on zenigata’s side i guess. could’ve done with fujiko making an expression at any given time but yknow what? it was funny and it was only 12 minutes long

Another Page (7)

Surprisingly not that bad. To summarize the film as a whole I’d say: it could have been worse. The plot made sense which is more than i can say about most lupin movies and they stuck to two subplots that were both interesting and meshed pretty good by the end. And the two lady characters that got introduced didn’t betray anybody AND didn’t die.

Farewell to Nostradamus (6.5)

The animation was pretty good and I liked the whole ‘we gotta protect this kid’ thing but I always mix up this one and Bye Bye Liberty Crisis like this movie is it’s less interesting twin. Both of them have kids they need to protect but Bye Bye Liberty Crisis was just better. I feel like this one had a really good ending but aside from that the movie wasn’t that memorable for me.

Fuma Conspiracy (6.5)

i liked Goemon being in a relationship bc it was really sweet, i just wish there wouldve been a better balance of romance to plot. Also terrible voice actors but that just affected my enjoyment not really the plot or anything relevant.

Sweet Lost Night (6)

I like time shenanigans and my only two critiques are the inconsistent art quality and they seemed really hesitant to embrace time skipping. Like “he’s limited to twice before he becomes brain dead” was a little bit of a small window. If anything they missed out on a good opportunity for a classic lupin montage of him time skipping way too often. Maybe if they changed it to “you skip time every 12 hours, to every 6 hours, to every 3 hours, etc” until he stops existing?? like that seems more in line with a lupin plot not to mention a little more suspenseful.

Dead or Alive (6)

The new art style is kind of neat and didn’t really affect the personality of the characters like I thought it would. The plot itself was complicated and hard to follow but I mean, it wasn’t awful. Nothing I really hated and nothing I loved.

Jigen Daisuke’s Gravestone (6)

Handsome Jigen was cool but tcm i’m begging you to drink your Respect Women Juice. Also Goemon wasn’t in this one what the fuck was up with that. Lupin looked like a crispy toenail in the new art style but again the animation is gucci so I can’t really complain on that front.

Napoleon's Dictionary (6)

Reminded me a lot of Mamo except with more respect in women. Just kidding Fujiko was kind of a crapshoot in the end and the ending was more or less just. cut off?? like they crashed into the ocean after lupin ruined zenigatas marriage and the credits started rolling. it was weird bc it had a lot going but i guess they ran out of time for a proper ending?

Mystery of Mamo (6)

Respect Women Juice needed and also why was Goemon purple. The pros to this movie was the overall aesthetic being really attractive BUT the plot was sketchy and didn’t make a lot of sense. The only remarkable scene I remember is Jigen shooting the can by Lupin’s feet like I wish that emotion would’ve carried through the film and not ended there.

Red vs Green (5)

Really good animation, no fucking idea what happened in this film.

Walther P-38: Island of Assassins (5)

They missed an opportunity to be a little more psychological and the lady of the week dying was meh but I will say the plot stayed on course like they didnt try to do too much at once like they tend to do. I wish they would’ve delved more into lupin’s past with the doctor because that seemed kind of random but the more lethal, edgy plot was handled decently. I’ll probably forget this one in a week tbh.

Dragon of Doom (5)

I like learning more about Goemon but his girlfriend was really distracting and uneccessary. Like, if you want to introduce Goemon’s childhood friend sure its whatever but she only showed up to either threaten lupin or flirt with Goemon. And it was very obvious she was going to betray him so all her build up was pointless. I will say though, the plot was pretty cool which was surprising.

Voyage to Danger (4)

tcm I’m begging you to let Jigen talk to a woman and not have it be like ‘this is Jigens girlfriend now’. Sometimes women be talking and they aren’t thirsting for a man triple their age. It just be like that sometimes. Thats literally all I remember about this film.

First Contact (4)

I remember being excited for this like ‘oh wow their first ever meeting’ and i s2g this film was boring. And also a giant plothole. With no real redeeming qualities. I don’t even remember the animation being that good.

Columbus Files (4)

This film was at least funny bad but my hand to god I’d never watch it again. This is the first time I’ve ever watched a movie and had to watch the dub bc the sub was boring me to death. It was just... so bad... Especially when you’ve seen Wings of Death like this ain’t the Fujiko I know please leave.

Seven Days Rhapsody (3)

The comedy in this one was so weirdly incorporated and featured another really good ‘here’s Jigen’s dead girlfriend’ that i just could not care less about and then finished off with this what like 13 year old girl asking to be Lupin’s girlfriend? fuck outta here. The ONLY good part was Goemon slapping Lupin across the face.

Alcatraz Connection (2.5)

Really, really boring. The content wasn’t necessarily bad but they had 4 subplots going on that were equally uninteresting and some scenes went on for so so so long. It deadass took me 5 hours to watch this movie bc i kept pausing to do literally anything else. The art was unpleasant and by the time they got the treasure i didn’t really care anymore. Not to mention the plot was way too complicated and tin-foil hat for my liking.

Missed by a Dollar (2.5)

Made very little sense and in general was really annoying. Between Goemon being a born again Christian and the plot briefly derailing so Lupin could establish an oil company it was like can we pick something to focus on? By the end of the movie I was like wait when did they get the broach? What does the broach do again? And then he gives it to someone random and its like??

Gold of Babylon (2)

This one if the definition of being cursed and Pink Jacket deserved so much better than this nonsense. Like Lupin III isn’t known for its coherence, sure, but this movie had absolutely no structure. Upon finishing the film I was trying to remember anything that just happened and my brain refused. It kept the good cartoonish animation but god at what cost.

Angel Tactics (2)

TCM PLEASE DRINK YOUR RESPECT WOMEN JUICE. The art was just. Stunningly bad. Bad to the degree where about a minute thirty in I already regretted starting it. Not to mention the classic “we don’t actually wanna draw this part so we’re gonna jam cgi in here”. Also the most awkward use of “hey heres 3 women hey heres 3 men lets shove them together”.

Harimao’s Treasure (2)

nazis and transphobia which was extremely unfortunate considering the opening was actually one of the stronger ones I’ve seen from Lupin but immediately after the villain was introduced the quality of the film dropped about 90% and i wanted to die for the entire last half of the film. if they had changed the villain it would’ve solved 90 of their problems.

Twilight Gemini (2)

this was one of the only films in the entire lupin series where i was rooting for lupin to fucking perish. not only was goemon only in this film for 26 seconds, jigen was there for about 30 seconds and im not entirely sure if fujiko was there at all. not to be that guy but when they make lupin to be the most intolerable piece of shit in the world for this movie, don’t give him all the screen time. having to stare at this asshole for an hour and a half was exhausting.

Princess of the Breeze (2)

How a movie where Jigen has to carry a baby around in one of those funny baby-carriers turned out this fucking goddawful I have no explanation for. This movie was like an AU where all these other characters no one cares about happen to exist in the same universe as lupin. and when lupin does show up, i want him dead. Just horrifically boring and lazy art mixed with bad cgi. The only upside is that it isn’t Return of the Magician.

Return of the Magician (1)

I’m giving it a 1 on the principle that this wasn’t even a movie. It was a little less than an hour long and my god i’ve never seen a film so full of pad-time that if i can be so bold, there was more pad time than plot. What little plot they had made absolutely no sense and the art used cgi in the most bizarre and ugly ways. i’m pretty sure the credits played twice at the end. if there was a world record for lowest budget in a film, Return of the Magician would win hands down.

[angrygoatgirl]

have you heard about that eating disorder diabetics get when they purposefully don't get insulin so they can lose weight? I'm trying so hard not to start it, but it's like an urge inside me. I'm not "fat" but I would say I'm a little chubby. I really want to lose about 15 pounds before college, but every time I start to exercise and eat right I gain weight since my blood sugar is low all the time no matter how many adjustments I make. Do you have any words to offer me?

This is a topic I have often thought of writing about, but never had the courage to post. Anonymous, I’m doing this for you, please listen:I know exactly what you are talking about and exactly how you feel, because I’ve done it, it almost killed me, and even though I nearly died from it, I’m sometimes still tempted. It’s called diabulimia (if you don’t already know) and while not yet officially recognized as an eating disorder, it is finally gaining the attention of the medical community and even the media; the BBC did a brief documentary on it recently, which I haven’t yet seen. Diabulimia falls under the bulimia umbrella because restriction of insulin is used as a form of purging; one doesn’t have to induce vomiting to have bulimia, as some people think – people may have exercise bulimia (overexercising as a form of purging), use laxatives, or other purging behaviors. For us type 1s, insulin restriction is a unique option. The first and most important thing to know is that you are not alone. You are not alone. And that is worth more than you may realize.   In a survey conducted by Joslin Diabetes Research Center, one third of type 1 women admitted to having manipulated their insulin in an attempt to lose weight. Yes, you read that right: one third. And that is self-reporting, which means it’s probably lower than the real number. The statistics on the incidence of eating disorders in both men and women with diabetes have not yet been nailed down, but the evidence does show that people with diabetes also are much more likely to have eating disorders than the general population. 

To understand one of the possibilities why this is the case, here is a quotation from Ulla Kärkkäinen, a Finnish research nutritionist, defining disordered eating: 

“Eating is disordered when a person arbitrarily decides when they are hungry or full, regardless of how they are feeling; weighs themselves constantly; or drinks non-caloric drinks to keep from feeling hungry. Eating can also be considered disordered if a person meticulously plans each meal long into the future, counts calories and weighs foods, follows an excessively strict diet or cuts certain foods from their diet…”That is the treatment for type 1 diabetes. Whether or not we eat is dictated by a number on a meter, not by how we feel. Meals are planned and food is measured and weighed so that we can dose properly. What and when we eat is almost always at the forefront of our minds, literally so we won’t die. Our bodies are constantly being measured to see whether results are satisfactory. Add to that societal misconceptions about diabetes, the tendency of insulin to make some people gain weight, the recently discovered direct effect of insulin on dopamine levels, and the multitudinous other factors that can make weight management harder for diabetics, and you’ve got a perfect storm. So I’ll say it again: you are not alone.The first time I experienced diabulimia I was fourteen. I didn’t have a word for what I was doing, because the word hadn’t been invented yet. I just knew that before I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, I was losing weight and feeling good about my body, and after I was diagnosed and started taking insulin, I gained weight and felt ugly and fat. It was the mid 90s and heroin chic was in, the pressure to be super thin was already overwhelming for any girl, but added to that was the pressure not to conform to diabetic stereotypes: I didn’t want the ignorant kids who thought I got diabetes from eating too many sweets to be validated. I knew rationally that my chubbiness didn’t make them right, but reason couldn’t change how I felt. I was too afraid to restrict my insulin for more than a few days, though…or maybe I was too strong and had not yet been worn down enough? I don’t know. It wasn’t until my twenties that I really went for it. Like you, I wasn’t fat. I was athletic with maybe 10 or 15 pounds of chub that I would have liked to have shifted. My family life was difficult. I was broke and on my own. I had no insurance and was already rationing insulin to try and make it last. I didn’t know at the time that burnout is common for diabetics, but I was suffering my first burnout. I was completely worn down by life and by diabetes, and I just wanted to be able to control one thing. Just one. So I started manipulating insulin. I took control by refusing to control my diabetes.And, oh how I rationalized it! I would take my long-acting and skip the fast-acting, I was still taking some insulin, that was surely better than none, right? I was riding 300s and 400s, but it wasn’t 500s or 600s, so it couldn’t be that bad, right? I’d had perfect A1Cs ever since my diagnosis – that was over a decade! What could a few weeks of high sugars really do? Other people were out of control of their diabetes all the time, and they were still okay. There were type 2s walking around with high blood sugars for years not even knowing! And when it started to work and the weight just fell off, it was easier and easier to rationalize. “Just five more pounds,” I’d say. “Just ten more pounds and I’ll stop.”Of course, one of the side-effects of high blood sugar is extreme hunger, so my eating habits became harder and harder to control. I craved carbs like never before. A whole pizza, an entire box of cereal, two dozen Oreos couldn’t satiate me: and the more I ate, the thinner I got. I never binge ate before the diabulimia, but my body was starving, and so bingeing became a thing for me…especially since it just made me lose more weight. I hadn’t gained control, I’d lost it. Completely.One morning at 5am, after three months of rationing insulin and rationalizing my diabulimia, after a night of nonstop vomiting…I realized I was dying. I was so sick, I lost seven more pounds THAT DAY. I could barely breathe and my heart felt like it was going to explode, trying to pump the sludge that was my acid blood through my veins. I asked my roommate to drive me to the Emergency Room, but before I left, I stepped on the scale and felt really good about how much weight I’d lost. I’d gone from someone whose chronic illness necessitated disordered eating to someone with a full blown eating disorder. And the eating disorder had taken me over.I spent the next 3 days in the ICU wearing an oxygen mask, catheterized, a massive hematoma on my arm from the excruciating arterial blood draws, searing potassium being delivered via IV to the other arm. Five IVs in all. They told me if I’d waited just a few more hours I’d have died. I’m not telling you this in an attempt to “scare you straight”, though. You know the risks as well as I did. Sometimes knowing the risks and even having lived them isnt’ enough. Eating disorder wouldn’t be a mental illness if it was rational. What you may not know is just how quickly and easily and how TOTALLY it takes you over.So I’m going to tell you the one thing that keeps me from going back to diabulimia when I am really struggling: diabulimia doesn’t really work. The minute you start taking insulin again, the weight comes back with a vengeance. It is a fleeting fix – the high blood sugar might as well be the high of heroin or meth: you feel better in the moment, but when you come down off that high it is hell, and everything that pushed you to try it the first time has just been made worse.I’ve been struggling with eating disorders ever since, though I’ve not resorted to diabulimia again. Sometimes, like I said, I feel so down that the only thing keeping me from it is knowing its effects are temporary. I even checked myself into one of the most renowned eating disorder treatment centers in the country…sadly, there is little known about treating eating disorder in type 1 diabetics, and the traditional treatments for eating disorders are in direct contradiction to the treatment of diabetes. In the end, their attempts to help me only made me worse. With hard work and help from a sympathetic endocrinologist and diabetes educator, though, I’ve been recovering. I’ve even gone a few years at a time with the eating disorder tamed. I still have relapses, though. While I can never know for sure, I think that if I had never tried diabulimia, I would never have developed any full blown eating disorders.You asked if I had any words for you and it saddens me that I have so many, and that so few of them are good. I don’t think it is hopeless, though: I have lost weight in a healthy way with diabetes, and without my eating disorder taking control. It was harder for me than for people without diabetes, but it can be done. I’ve had periods where the eating disorder was barely even there. I learned that weight really wasn’t even the real problem, and learned that there were other things to focus on for my mental and physical health. And even though my treatment experience was mostly negative, I took a few really positive things from it: the realization that my eating disorder didn’t have to define me, the realization that I wasn’t alone, and that it was okay to ask for help. You see, just as the stereotypes about diabetes are mostly wrong, so are the stereotypes about eating disorders. Eating disorder is seen as the ailment of the young, white, middle-class, anorexic chick. But the truth is, there was every kind of woman in that treatment center: women from age 14 to 64, of every ethnicity and religion, rich and poor, rail-thin to morbidly obese. And there were so many women there whom, had I not known they were struggling with eating disorders, I would have thought totally had their shit together, were confident, were admirable. Knowing that such admirable women were facing the same struggle as me made me hate myself less. You are not alone. Your weight doesn’t define you, and it certainly isn’t worth developing an eating disorder and potentially losing your life. If you need more help, ask for it, but remember that you have to balance your mental health with your diabetes, and don’t let anyone tell you one is more important than the other. They are both necessary.And that is it. There is no easy solution to this problem, there is not a moral or neat ending to this story, there isn’t a tidy little bow to tie this shit up with. I just hope that you will read my experience and spare yourself going through it, because it’s not worth it.   

[bethereeventually]

Timeline of Events

February 3rd- I was out of town with my boss and her family. I had no car and I woke up in my hotel room realizing that my period was starting and I didn’t bring anything with me because my period never started this early. I borrowed my boss’s van and ran to the store. It never turned into my period. I found out later that it was implantation bleeding.

The whole week between this day and the next I was very tired. I slept so much. I went to sleep really early at night and struggled to get out of bed in the mornings. I was just at a very busy work conference that week so I remember Joey and I agreeing that I was very tired because of my trip.

February 7th- this is when I randomly realized that the period I thought I was having was not normal and I decided to look at my app that I was using to track my cycle (Glow). It was saying that I was 2 days late. I didn’t really believe I would be pregnant, but I had a test anyways so I decided to take it. When I saw the second line I couldn’t believe. I have never gotten a positive pregnancy test before. Unfortunately, I was running late to Night to Shine, which meant I quickly had to leave for the night. I wasn’t going to tell my husband, I wanted to surprise him and tell him in an unforgettable way. But when he came home I was in the shower and he randomly asked me if I’m pregnant. I can’t keep a poker face to save my life, but I also didn’t really believe the test. I responded with “I don’t know”. The test I took I had a confirmation digital test in the box. He told me to take it just to be sure. I wasn’t convinced that I was really pregnant, even from day one. I took the digital test and after 3 minutes of watching it blink, it said yes. I went to the dance all out of sorts but put it aside for the time being. On the way home I went to Publix and picked up another pregnancy test. When I was halfway home, I broke down crying in my car and pulled into a church parking lot as I went over ideas of how the next few months, and years, will now look for us. I came home and Joey wasn’t home, so I fell asleep very early that night.

February 8th- I woke up at like 6:00am and instantly took the pregnancy test I bought the night before. I watched the plus sign appear. I just didn’t know what to make of all this. We had been trying for MONTHS. I had been hopeful for so long that I actually had an appointment coming up THE NEXT WEEK to make sure everything was good with me, physically. But I didn’t feel anything. I was very tired. But that’s all. I ended up joining the WTE app, which led me to their private Facebook group for other moms who were  also due in October. So many different conversations and concerns and topics. I learned so much in those groups. More than I ever learned in school. I learned all about HCG, I learned about symptoms, I learned about how even though I just found out I was pregnant that I was about to entire my second month, and I also learned about all the different kinds of miscarriages. It’s funny to think that I was so terrified of a chemical pregnancy. I actually realized that there is a chance I experienced a chemical pregnancy back in August but since I can’t go back in time I’ll never really know.

This weekend was also the weekend some of our friends ended up finding out. It had snowed in Georgia and our friend owns a cabin up north. I didn’t want to go as my anxiety was through the roof about so many things. But we went and I told one of my girl friends and my husband told one of our guy friends. I also texted my best friend in Spain to let her know. A couple of people here and there also knew- like my cousin and I told one of my coworkers the night I took the test. But I was hesitant to tell people. I would also say ‘these are the dangerous weeks’ and I always said “I might be pregnant”. 

February 10th- Finally the weekend had passed and I went to work that morning eager to call my doctor and let them know I’m ready to come in as soon as possible. Turns out that’s not how things work for your first pregnancy, especially when it’s no risk. When I called they scheduled my first prenatal appointment for a whole month away. March 11th. I was disappointed. But I had a physical at a regular doctor in one week and I called them to request blood work. In my head- the blood draw would be what verified this as a healthy progressing pregnancy. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. 

February 17th- I didn’t care at all about the physical at this point. I just wanted my HCG levels and nothing else. So I finally got them and they were in the 3,000s. They said based on those numbers I’m probably around 5 weeks even though I calculated that I should be 6 going on 7 weeks. This made me feel like I was in the ‘dangerous weeks’ longer. But at least my body was producing HCG, right? (Note- if you aren’t pregnant, you have no HCG, so 3,470 seemed healthy compared to 0). That week I told my grandma and my brother, and that weekend we told each of our parents. It felt more real.

Between all this time and my first ultrasound, I had taken more pregnancy tests. Overall in the course of 4-5 weeks i took 7 tests. I get really sad when I see women watch their line progression now, because the lines were the only thing that helped me keep my faith in everything. And they were a lie. 

March 11th- I finally made it to my first ultrasound. I was not excited like I was a month ago. I only had 2 mornings of morning sickness. I was bloated and my uterus felt really firm and had grown, but nothing felt like 9 weeks pregnant (or 10 based on my own calculations). I knew as soon as I saw the screen. She told me it wasn’t a viable pregnancy, that I could put my clothes back on, and the doctor will speak to me shortly. We discussed options. She said my gestational sac is measuring at 7 weeks and is .1 millimeter shy of the measurements that would confirm or deny this a non viable pregnancy. I had no idea what she was talking about. She said she wants to track my HCG and see what it is just to make sure. She called me the next day to tell me my HCG is increasing and that she wants to get another draw the next day. My Friday reading was 110,000, compared to the 70,000 that is was on Wednesday. In miscarriages, your levels decrease. She requested me to come in on the next Monday just to make sure if anything had grown or changed.

March 16th- Before I went into the doctor, I was classified as have a missed miscarriage. The ultrasound showed that the sac was continuing to grow. At this point it was now 8 weeks. The doctor told me she saw cystic activity and requested I get emergency surgery the next day. She said she believes it to be a molar pregnancy. Wow. 

March 17th- The day of my surgery. Honestly all I’m going to say is right before surgery (once I got brought into the operating room) it hit me hard. I didn’t expect so much to go into such a small procedure. I started to tear up. I noticed everything around me as I was laying on my back under the brightest lights. A particular song was blaring in the operating room. I haven’t heard that song since but it plays in my head often. I never want to hear it again. I just laid there while this guy stuck things all over my side and chest. The anesthesiologist came in and started messing with my IV. They gave me the mask and then I was out. I woke up very confused and very very very tired. They let me lay there for just a little bit before they wheeled me out to the car. And just like that... it was over. My first pregnancy... I only knew about it for a little over 5 weeks but it meant a lot to me.

My body is about to be done with the healing. My pregnancy tests are continuing to read positive and once I get a negative pregnancy test I can go back to the doctors for more blood work. Right now I’m in limbo. And I’m so happy for the people who are pregnant and I’m not angry at them, but I’m angry at my situation. I want so badly to be pregnant and to have a baby. But all of this has terrified me for the realities of pregnancy. I’m making it through all of this and for the most part I’m okay... but at the same time, I’m really not okay. I’m very sad. And I have an yearning for something I can’t do anything about. 

[liesandarbor]

Sansa’s Psychological ‘Superpower’: Convincing herself shit isn’t quite as bad as it is

Throughout the main narrative and text of ASOIAF, we see Sansa Stark utilize defense mechanisms to survive being beat in front of the court (often enough that almost every member of the kingsguard had done it a few times), being touched by creepy old dudes often, and basically just suffering as a Prisoner of War.  We’re not here to chat about Sansa’s misgivings and mistakes (a young girl, age 11 in the start of AGOT), because there’s nothing to chat about with that - what I am here to chat about is Sansa’s “superpower”, and how it is basically the reason she’s alive.

(It’s not actually a superpower, she’s psychologically trying to ‘safeguard’ herself by pretending that s h i t  i s n ‘ t  b  a d, so just keep reading )

Sansa is often seen practicing Level III Neurotic Defense mechanisms, some such as displacement, denial, dissasociation, repression, rationalization  and projection  throughout the books, veiling her mind and intelligence with mostly the goal to survive.

We see her with the Tyrells beginning a secret betrothal to Willas, and in the beginning she is wary - as she should be, though this is just the beginning of her realizing that she is a pawn to move as pleased-

The words came tumbling out of her. "Yes. I will. I would like that more than anything. To wed Ser Loras, to love him . . ." 

 "Loras?" Lady Olenna sounded annoyed. "Don't be foolish, child. Kingsguard never wed. Didn't they teach you anything in Winterfell? We were speaking of my grandson Willas. He is a bit old for you, to be sure, but a dear boy for all that. Not the least bit oafish, and heir to Highgarden besides."

Sansa felt dizzy; one instant her head was full of dreams of Loras, and the next they had all been snatched away. Willas? Willas? "I," she said stupidly. Courtesy is a lady's armor. You must not offend them, be careful what you say. "I do not know Ser Willas. I have never had the pleasure, my lady. Is he . . . is he as great a knight as his brothers?"

 "Willas has a bad leg but a good heart," said Margaery. "He used to read to me when I was a little girl, and draw me pictures of the stars. You will love him as much as we do, Sansa."

-ASOS, Sansa I

So we get, in typical Sansa fashion, her processing this new escape, this new loop-hole.  Ser Dontos is taking too long to get her out of the capital, she wants nothing more than to fix/fill the hole of emotional and physical abuse suffered at the hands of her beautiful, golden King, and the Tyrells have offered her the perfect scapegoat.  --- also, don’t forget to look at that immediate reaction when she is offered Willas:  I must not offend them.  A reflection on the abuse suffered- she immediately fears what will happen if she offends them, and worries about watching her only escape fade away. 

It only takes a meeting with Dontos in the godswood to cause her to second guess these emotions, to which we see her immediately transfer all of these feelings elsewhere.

 But she had not forgotten his words, either. The heir to Winterfell, she would think as she lay abed at night. It's your claim they mean to wed. Sansa had grown up with three brothers. She never thought to have a claim, but with Bran and Rickon dead . . . It doesn't matter, there's still Robb, he's a man grown now, and soon he'll wed and have a son. Anyway, Willas Tyrell will have Highgarden, what would he want with Winterfell?

Sometimes she would whisper his name into her pillow just to hear the sound of it. "Willas, Willas, Willas." Willas was as good a name as Loras, she supposed. They even sounded the same, a little. What did it matter about his leg? Willas would be Lord of Highgarden and she would be his lady.

-ASOS, Sansa II

Willas is close enough to Loras.  Margaery said he was kind.  She could live with that. She convinces herself that a crippled leg won’t deter her from “having true happiness” or a ‘close enough’ to true happiness (which, funnily enough, isn’t the only crippled leg that she will have to think about, but we can come back to that as an after thought).  

"You are very beautiful, my lady," the seamstress said when she was dressed. 

“I am, aren't I?" Sansa giggled, and spun, her skirts swirling around her. "Oh, I am." She could not wait for Willas to see her like this. He will love me, he will, he must . . . he will forget Winterfell when he sees me, I'll see that he does. 

-ASOS, Sansa III

Sansa’s hopeless desperation at wanting to get out of the Lion’s Den manifests itself in several ways throughout the main narrative. We see her utilizing tools for survival, tools to protect herself from getting further hurt- we see her displace the negative emotions and events, we see her justify actions from others in her mind, anything to ease that good ol’ perfect-dream-life ideaology into place.  

We see her hopes dashed in front of her eyes as Cersei tells her she is to marry Tyrion- not even an hour before the ceremony.  Every single built up thought she spent normalizing Willas in her eyes, every defense and wall she built up to cause herself to accept that this was the only good card she had to play, destroyed in front of her.  And Sansa’s 12-year-old mind knew something had to have been wrong.  She comments on Cersei letting her have a beautiful new dress, she wonders, she pushes those thoughts away and smiles, she thinks it’s all for Willas.  Her rose, her romanticized rose who will make all of the pain of King’s Landing disappear. 

I don't want any Lannister, she wanted to say. I want Willas, I want Highgarden and the puppies and the barge, and sons named Eddard and Bran and Rickon. But then she remembered what Dontos had told her in the godswood. Tyrell or Lannister, it makes no matter, it's not me they want, only my claim. "You are kind, my lord," she said, defeated. "I am a ward of the throne and my duty is to marry as the king commands."

-ASOS, Sansa III

She’s young and naive, but she knows and is continually learning how the game is played. Sansa knows her head rolls when she doesn’t comply, she chooses self-preservation over fighting.  

Even in her wedding bed, Sansa pushes out of her mind to find some way to rationalize being with Tyrion.  She swallows her pride, as she has done for the whole fucking 3 books, but I digress, and tries to find some sort of love for him.

Look at him, Sansa told herself, look at your husband, at all of him, Septa Mordane said all men are beautiful, find his beauty, try. She stared at the stunted legs, the swollen brutish brow, the green eye and the black one, the raw stump of his nose and crooked pink scar, the coarse tangle of black and gold hair that passed for his beard. Even his manhood was ugly, thick and veined, with a bulbous purple head. This is not right, this is not fair, how have I sinned that the gods would do this to me, how?

-ASOS, Sansa III

Our next glimpse of Sansa in ASOS has us rejoining her after her whole family pretty much gets the crap murdered out of them, and we do not get to have her exact initial thoughts and reactions to the Red Wedding.  We see her normalized, stuck into her marriage and life, going about her every day life as it has been now.  And we begin to receive a much more honest, bitter and #WOKE Sansa after her third chapter.  Sansa IV shows Sansa beginning to pull out of some of her most internal struggles and psychological defenses.

She threw back the coverlets. I must be brave. Her torments would soon be ended, one way or the other. If Lady was here, I would not be afraid. Lady was dead, though; Robb, Bran, Rickon, Arya, her father, her mother, even Septa Mordane. All of them are dead but me. She was alone in the world now.

Her lord husband was not beside her, but she was used to that. Tyrion was a bad sleeper and often rose before the dawn. Usually she found him in the solar, hunched beside a candle, lost in some old scroll or leatherbound book. Sometimes the smell of the morning bread from the ovens took him to the kitchens, and sometimes he would climb up to the roof garden or wander all alone down Traitor's Walk.

and 

But first came breakfast in the Queen's Ballroom, for the Lannisters and the Tyrell men - the Tyrell women would be breaking their fast with Margaery - and a hundred odd knights and lordlings. They have made me a Lannister, Sansa thought bitterly.

and

Sansa was tempted to beg off. I could tell him that my tummy was upset, or that my moon's blood had come. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back in bed and pull the drapes. I must be brave, like Robb, she told herself, as she took her lord husband stiffly by the arm.

-ASOS, Sansa IV

and here is where Sansa breaks. You see, Sansa V is where her traumatized, 12-year old brain can no longer take anymore of her repressing, pretending, pushing thoughts and blames and abuse onto anything and anyone, like a sponge that’s been thoroughly soaked, Sansa is completely conflicted and distraught from Joffrey’s death.

Sansa felt as though she were in a dream. "Joffrey is dead," she told the trees, to see if that would wake her.

He had not been dead when she left the throne room. He had been on his knees, though, clawing at his throat, tearing at his own skin as he fought to breathe. The sight of it had been too terrible to watch, and she had turned and fled, sobbing. Lady Tanda had been fleeing as well. "You have a good heart, my lady," she said to Sansa. "Not every maid would weep so for a man who set her aside and wed her to a dwarf."

A good heart. I have a good heart. Hysterical laughter rose up her gullet, but Sansa choked it back down. The bells were ringing, slow and mournful. Ringing, ringing, ringing. They had rung for King Robert the same way. Joffrey was dead, he was dead, he was dead, dead, dead. Why was she crying, when she wanted to dance? Were they tears of joy?

She found her clothes where she had hidden them, the night before last. With no maids to help her, it took her longer than it should have to undo the laces of her gown. Her hands were strangely clumsy, though she was not as frightened as she ought to have been. "The gods are cruel to take him so young and handsome, at his own wedding feast," Lady Tanda had said to her.

The gods are just, thought Sansa. Robb had died at a wedding feast as well. It was Robb she wept for. Him and Margaery. Poor Margaery, twice wed and twice widowed. Sansa slid her arm from a sleeve, pushed down the gown, and wriggled out of it. She balled it up and shoved it into the bole of an oak, shook out the clothing she had hidden there. Dress warmly, Ser Dontos had told her, and dress dark. She had no blacks, so she chose a dress of thick brown wool. The bodice was decorated with freshwater pearls, though. The cloak will cover them. The cloak was a deep green, with a large hood. She slipped the dress over her head, and donned the cloak, though she left the hood down for the moment. There were shoes as well, simple and sturdy, with flat heels and square toes. The gods heard my prayer, she thought. She felt so numb and dreamy. My skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to steel. Her hands moved stiffly, awkwardly, as if they had never let down her hair before.

-ASOS, Sansa V

The progression of hysterics that Sansa finds herself in the midst of during her flight from King’s Landing shows us a lot at once- she is having a whole flashbang of emotions happen at once.  One, her abuser is dead.  The stem of a large amount of torment she had gone through is completely gone.  Destroyed.  She’s free.  She’s finally free from the threats of rape and being beaten by the King.  but her conditioning is still kicked in.  She struggles through her own thoughts to find how she really feels- something she hasn’t been allowed to do over the last year.  

I don’t plan on delving in to AFFC right now to continue how Sansa’s behaviors and mechanisms have progressed/regressed/changed, however we see as we peruse Sansa V that her torment isn’t over yet.  She’s fallen right back in hand with someone who isn’t as physically dangerous to her (at the moment) as Joffrey was, but someone who’s skilled in psychologically manipulating others, who can prove just as dangerous- especially with someone in such a weak and easily swayed psychological mindset who has endured so much continuous trauma- Littlefinger.

He brushed back a strand of her hair. "You are old enough to know that your mother and I were more than friends. There was a time when Cat was all I wanted in this world. I dared to dream of the life we might make and the children she would give me . . . but she was a daughter of Riverrun, and Hoster Tully. Family, Duty, Honor, Sansa. Family, Duty, Honor meant I could never have her hand. But she gave me something finer, a gift a woman can give but once. How could I turn my back upon her daughter? In a better world, you might have been mine, not Eddard Stark's. My loyal loving daughter . . . Put Joffrey from your mind, sweetling. Dontos, Tyrion, all of them. They will never trouble you again. You are safe now, that's all that matters. You are safe with me, and sailing home."

-ASOS, Sansa V

Littlefinger takes Sansa at her most sensitive and whisks her away.  Most people follow the Hades/Persephone parallels ( "Thank you, my lord." Pomegranate seeds were so messy; Sansa chose a pear instead, and took a small delicate bite. It was very ripe. The juice ran down her chin.), but there is so much more to be gathered.  Littlefinger took a bird with a broken wing, thinking that this would be easy and simple to manipulate and succeed with.  But Littlefinger doesn’t understand that Sansa Stark has already started waking up.  She’s already started to come out of her defense mechanisms.  Slowly but surely she has been chipping away at dealing with the truth.  She has begun to accept that she was a pawn, begun to accept that she was easily manipulated, and come to the truth that no one will want her except for her claim.  

Which is the rebirth of Sansa Stark.  Where will her plot lead? There’s still a long road ahead for Sansa’s arc and plot, and a lot of learning for her to do.  No, she is not a master player of the game, and no, she is not a supreme manipulator (yet).  It is going to take all of TWOW, further betrayal from Littlefinger, and Sansa using everything that she has observed from Littlefinger and her own wits to get her to the point of “And later I dreamt that maid again, slaying a savage giant in a castle built of snow. “ 

But she will get there.   By the age of 13, Sansa has suffered sexual, emotional, verbal, physical and pretty much any line of abuse that you could muster into thought.  She has survived it.  She kept herself in her own head, created fake situations and thoughts to displace the pain of the memories (unkiss comes to mind), but Sansa Stark has woken up and the wolf bitch is comin’ home.   

Sansa’s love life is one that’s up for debate consistently in the ASOIAF world, and while I don’t want any of her ‘love’ life to be the focus of this essay (I wouldn’t consider any of her political marriages to be love, despite her convincing herself to love Loras), I do love the chemistry, energy and connection between Sansa and Sandor, the only one of her male ‘suitors’ (wouldn’t really call him a suitor, but we’ll leave it for now) who gave her a choice and did not attempt to manipulate her for his political/regular gain.

And, just for some good ol’ crackpot fun, Sansa did convince herself that she could love a lame man in ASOS.....

On the upper slopes they saw three boys driving sheep, and higher still they passed a lichyard where a brother bigger than Brienne was struggling to dig a grave. From the way he moved, it was plain to see that he was lame. As he flung a spadeful of the stony soil over one shoulder, some chanced to spatter against their feet. "Be more watchful there," chided Brother Narbert. "Septon Meribald might have gotten a mouthful of dirt." The gravedigger lowered his head. When Dog went to sniff him he dropped his spade and scratched his ear.

-AFFC, Brienne

TL;DR: Sansa Stark used defense mechanisms because she is a prisoner of war who has suffered mountains of abuse, and she protected the shit out of herself by doing so.  The first 4 books for Sansa Stark were about survival: the next 3 are going to be about taking back her agency and her power of choice, and bringing parts of the realm back together.

[ulrichfoester]

Newest Medications for Anxiety and Depression

For people suffering the effects of anxiety or depression, and in many cases both anxiety and depression, any news of a breakthrough medication is worth looking in to. In recent months, with a pandemic in full swing, many people are experiencing these mental health conditions for the first time. In addition, many who were already managing anxiety or depression have seen their condition deteriorate this year. Considering which medications for anxiety and depression are most effective is a top concern for these folks.

As with any prescribed medication, a careful review of risk and reward benefits must be considered. Many psychotropic medications cause side effects, to varying degrees, which can make them unbearable. For example, the common side effects associated with antidepressants include nausea, headaches, weight gain, decreased libido, and blurred vision. Someone who has an adverse effect will typically trial a different medication that might be a better fit for them. So, while these medications can be a lifesaver for many, it isn’t always easy to determine which drug is the best one for a given condition or person.

New medications for anxiety and depression continue to progress through the clinical trials towards FDA clearance. Recently, there are some newly approved medications that offer hope to many who might not have responded to an earlier brand. In addition to pharmaceuticals, continued study of alternative medications for treating depression and anxiety has led to holistic remedies that are also worth considering.

About Anxiety Disorder

Anxiety disorder is the most prevalent mental health disorder in America, with approximately 40 million adults affected by some type of anxiety. The most common type of anxiety is called generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD, affecting about 3.1% of the population, or nearly 7 million adults. GAD is characterized by pervasive worrying, so much so that it can impair daily functioning. Individuals with GAD tend to ruminate over events that have already occurred, second-guessing themselves, or they may dwell on upcoming events and worry incessantly about anticipated outcomes. Fear and worry that are out of proportion to the trigger drive this disorder, with symptoms that include:

Excessive worry

Hypervigilance

Insomnia

Fatigue

Irritability

Restlessness

Sweating

Stomach problems

Trouble concentrating

Short-term memory problems

There are a number of types of anxiety disorder. These include:

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD): Excessive and irrational fear and worry that may cause shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness, and sleep problems.

Phobia: Extreme and unreasonable fear related to a specific object or situation, causing avoidance behaviors.

Social anxiety: Intense fear of being judged or rejected by others, causing such symptoms as sweating, blushing, muscle tension, nausea, rapid heartbeat, and lightheadedness, in addition to avoidant behaviors.

Panic disorder: A sudden, unpredictable episode that features chest pain, trembling, shortness of breath, nausea, sense of doom, but differs from a panic attack in that there is no particular trigger.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): A prolonged response to having experienced or witnessed a traumatic event that features flashbacks or nightmares, insomnia, irritability, substance abuse, and avoidance behaviors.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Involves an alternating cycle of obsessive fears and compulsive behavioral responses to the fears.

About Depressive Disorder

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 17.3 million adults in the U.S. suffer from a depressive disorder. The DSM-5 has listed specific symptoms related to depressive disorder, and stipulates that a cluster of 5 or more symptoms of depression persist most of the time for more than two weeks to receive a MDD diagnosis. Other forms of depression will have specific features, so there will be some variance in symptoms between the types.

In addition to the DSM-5, a psychiatrist may use screening tools to help in diagnosing the depression, such as the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale (HAM-D) or the Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9). A physical exam can help rule out a medical condition, such as diabetes, cancer, HIV/AIDS, heart disease, or multiple sclerosis, as the cause of the depression symptoms.

The different types of depression include:

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). MDD symptoms include persistent sadness, changes in eating habits and sleep habits, difficulty concentrating, feelings of shame or guilt, loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed, and suicidal thoughts.

Dysthymia (Persistent Depression Disorder). This is a type of MDD that lasts for more than two years. Someone with dysthymia may experience periods of severe depression alternating with periods of milder depression, but no relief of the depressive symptoms for at least two years or more.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. A severe form of PMS that features extreme mood swings, anger, sadness, and irritability.

Postpartum Depression. Some women experience serious symptoms of MDD during and/or after giving birth. The symptoms may be so severe that the mother is unable to care for her child, or themselves, and often experience severe fatigue, exhaustion, and anxiety in addition to the profound sadness.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). In certain climates individuals may experience symptoms of MDD that are caused by a lack of sun exposure during the winter months, which can lead to a vitamin D deficiency. The individual may experience weight gain, hypersomnia, and isolation behaviors in addition to the symptoms of depression.

Bipolar Disorder. This disorder features alternating dramatic and unpredictable shifts between depressive and manic moods. The low mood episodes can last days or weeks.

Psychotic Depression. This is basically MDD with psychotic features. The individual may experience delusional thoughts or hallucinations in addition to the symptoms of depression. Sometimes there is a theme for the illness, such as symptoms revolving around emotions related to a serious financial problem or illness.

  New Medications for Anxiety

In the last few years there have been some ongoing clinical trials on several new medications for the treatment of anxiety disorder. The mental health industry is anticipating some successful new entries to help patients once the drugs work their way through the studies and the FDA approval process. Some of the promising drugs on the horizon include:

Aloradine: Aloradine is a central nervous system neuroactive nasal spray for the treatment of social anxiety.

NBTX-001: NBTX-001 contains the noble gas xenon for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

SRX246: SRX246 is a highly-selective vasopressin receptor antagonist for the treatment of generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD.

New Medications for Depression

Just as for the treatment of anxiety, there are several new medications on the way for the treatment of depression. These include:

Zulresso: Zulresso (brexanolone) is an IV medication for treating postpartum depression in women.

Oleptro: Oleptro is a newly approved medication that is basically a reformulation of the older antidepressant, trazodone.

Esketamine: Esketamine was approved in 2019 and is a derivative of the anesthetic ketamine, which has shown to have an antidepressant effect.

Holistic Treatments for Anxiety and Depression

A variety of homeopathic supplements have been found to help people manage symptoms of depression or anxiety:

Supplements for depression:

Sam-E

St. John’s Wort

5-HTP

Supplements for anxiety:

GABA

Kava

Passion flower

Valerian

Lavender

Chamomile

In addition to the role of nutritional supplements for treating anxiety and depression, a whole host of complementary holistic activities have been found to be beneficial as well. These include:

Yoga. Yoga blends the spiritual with purposeful poses, positions, and movements that are choreographed for calming the mind while toning muscles and stretching the body.

Mindfulness. By practicing mindfulness, which is a type of meditation, you learn to draw distracting thoughts back to the present moment, and to focus on the senses and the breathing process.

Deep breathing. Simple breathing exercises can have a swift and significant impact on reducing stress levels. Deep breathing can be done anywhere at any time, offering a fast reduction in heart rate and blood pressure when anxiety symptoms emerge.

Meditation. Allowing yourself the space for quiet reflection, meditation, or prayer is immensely relaxing. These short 15-minute sessions can be done in the solitude of nature or your own room.

Aromatherapy. Essential oils are derived from plants and flowers and used in aromatherapy. Aromatherapy is delivered in vapor form through a diffuser to be inhaled. The oils can also be applied topically to strategic places on the body. Several of the oils are used to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Journaling. Keeping a journal can help you process emotions, getting them out of your head and on to paper. Recording your feelings in a journal can reduce the power of sad thoughts.

Acupuncture. Acupuncture is an ancient Eastern medical intervention that uses fine needles to open up blocked energy pathways. There is evidence that opening up these pathways, called “qi,” can reduce stress and alleviate depression.

The Role of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Anxiety and Depression

While there are many evidence-based psychotherapies available for treating individuals with anxiety and/or depression, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) remains the most popular among mental health professionals. CBT is a short-term therapy, usually 3 or 4 months in duration, which focuses on the relationship between thoughts and subsequent behaviors. CBT helps the individual adopt new thought patterns that result in better mood regulation.

CBT works by helping the person take notice of dysfunctional or negative thought habits, such as negative self-talk, that then influence their subsequent behaviors and mood. A therapist guides the individual toward recognizing how disordered or irrational thoughts can negatively impact their state of mind, and then assists them in creating new thought patterns that are more positive and productive. CBT is prescribed in conjunction with medications for anxiety and depression for optimum clinical results.

The Treatment Specialist an Online Resource for Mental Health Information

The Treatment Specialist is an online resource for informative articles on mental health conditions and treatment options for adults, teens, and families. For more information and guidance please contact the team at (866) 644-7911.

  The post Newest Medications for Anxiety and Depression appeared first on The Treatment Specialist.

Newest Medications for Anxiety and Depression published first on https://familycookwareshop.tumblr.com/

[frenchkisst]

Ketones and low carb in the time of Covid-19: Helpful or harmful speculation?

Is there solid evidence that eating low carb or having circulating ketones might be able to help prevent or fight a Covid-19 infection?

No, not yet. For now, it’s completely speculative.

Is it too soon to be sharing hypotheses and opinions? That’s being debated.

In fact, at Diet Doctor, our team has been discussing how best to cover new Covid-19 journal publications, especially as it applies to the risk factors of diabetes, insulin resistance, obesity, hypertension, and metabolic syndrome.

While no evidence shows those with these underlying conditions are more at risk of contracting coronavirus, the evidence is mounting that these risk factors are clearly linked to more serious complications for those infected.

On July 10, researchers from China noted in a new study that simply having a fasting blood glucose higher than 126 mg/dl (7.0 mmol/L) upon admission to the hospital was an independent risk factor associated with a significant increase in 28-day mortality.

Diabetes, high blood glucose, and other metabolic conditions are common underlying conditions that have brought many people to Diet Doctor in the first place. And so, we want to do our utmost to keep you as informed and safe as possible.

Earlier this month, we wrote about an editorial in the BMJ Evidence-Based Medicine, which urged governments to endorse the low-carb diet for better prevention and reduction of complications of Covid-19.

The editorial was tweeted out hundreds of times, with some pro-low carb commentators saying “Finally!” and “Great piece.” US pediatrician, researcher, and best-selling author Dr. Robert Lustig tweeted: “Everyone must read this editorial.”

However, the editorial’s author — low-carb advocate and researcher MaryAnne Demasi, PhD — also received criticism from within the mainstream nutrition community, who said the research did not yet support her position and she had taken “too big a leap.”

At Diet Doctor, a fundamental value is trustworthiness. We always aim to grade the quality of scientific evidence. A currently available to help empower your decision-making around your health. Covid-19 research, because it is so new, is largely observational and doesn’t yet feature randomization through controlled trials, which therefore amounts to weak or very weak evidence.

So, should we hold off reporting until there are more definitive results?

Part of our editorial debate is that it is important to us that we don’t exploit the fear, confusion, and anxiety that surrounds the pandemic. We don’t want to profit as a company by ratcheting up speculative debates in favor of low-carb approaches.

But, on the other hand, we believe in the public’s right to know about potentially helpful information, especially in a fast-moving situation like the Covid-19 pandemic.

And never has the pace of evolving information been faster than in the last seven months. In fact, Nature Index reports that since the first article about the coronavirus was published in December 2019, more than 66,155 peer-reviewed papers and 10,450 preprints (papers not yet peer-reviewed) have been published. Those numbers are growing daily.

One recent article in The Scientist advised not “disparaging” the rapid pace of Covid-19 publishing, but embracing it — even if mistakes are made and scientific positions or information must change in the future.

That rapid pace has enabled unprecedented progress in deciphering the virus’s genetic code, developing antibody tests, and developing promising vaccine candidates and early treatments. The authors noted:

Under normal conditions, scientific research is meant to be a slow, peer-reviewed, and calculated process of developing and testing a hypothesis, reporting the answers, and, finally, waiting for the scientific community to corroborate or disprove the findings.

But these are not normal conditions.

So from time to time Diet Doctor will present updates regarding the low-carb and keto diet in relation to risk factors or treatment of COVID-19. Please note that these items will be sometimes speculative and subject to change as new information becomes available.

Here are three recent developments:

1. Covid-19 and people living with diabetes: an international consensus

In early July, the Journal of Diabetes Complications published an international consensus statement from diabetes experts hailing from regions hard-hit by the coronavirus.

The article discusses the evidence to date about the impact of Covid-19 and diabetes and urges a focus on improved diabetes management to reduce the toil of the disease.

The authors specifically draw attention to the need for strict glycemic control to keep blood glucose low and stable. This was also the conclusion of the Chinese authors in the July 10 study of fasting blood glucose, noted above.

The authors still fall back on some of the old paradigms of diabetes care, such as urging greater use of insulin to reduce blood glucose levels. However, they also endorse the need to reduce carbohydrate consumption and address the risk of eating more carbs due to the stress of the pandemic.

Plus, they recommend long-lasting actions such as innovative education, especially to empower patients to learn how to best manage their own blood glucose and blood pressure themselves. (Hear, Hear!)

The authors conclude:

Improving diabetes control in the outpatient setting at this particular time in history is crucial in order to reduce the risk of severe Covid-19 should people with diabetes acquire it … Indeed, rather than going back to the pre-Covid-19 diabetes care model, we should take advantage of what we are learning and innovating during this time to improve diabetes care strategies in the post-Covid-19 era.

At Diet Doctor, we endorse that summation 100%. Check out our free guide on how to manage and even reverse your diabetes with a low-carb diet.

How to reverse type 2 diabetes naturally Type 2 diabetes The diabetes diet: the best foods to control your diabetes

2. UK researchers warn young women with PCOS may be at higher risk of coronavirus complications

In general, young people have been considered to be much less affected by the virus and so, in many places, they’ve been taking fewer precautions.

But UK researchers publishing in BMC Medicine in mid-July are warning that young women with the hormonal reproductive condition polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) may be at higher risk of worse Covid-19 related outcomes.

The authors note that PCOS is very common, affecting close to 10% of the female population of reproductive age. The condition features underlying insulin resistance and metabolic conditions such as obesity and hypertension and pre-diabetes.

The authors note that women with PCOS often get a delayed diagnosis, fragmented care, and can be overlooked in clinical practice, adding to their higher risks.

The peer reviewers for the article note this warning is timely and important information to relay to both the medical profession as well as to young women with PCOS who may not realize they may be at higher risk from a coronavirus infection.

A low-carb or ketogenic diet can be an effective treatment for PCOS. Check out Diet Doctor’s free resources for more information.

How to potentially reverse PCOS with a low carb diet 8 reasons to try a low-carb diet for PCOS A ketogenic diet for PCOS

3. Can ketones improve patient outcomes in severe Covid-19?

Two research groups are proposing to investigate whether ketones can be used when treating coronavirus.

Researchers at the prestigious Johns Hopkins University have registered a small clinical trial at ClinicalTrials.gov to use ketones with patients on ventilators.

The researchers note that low carbohydrate diets have been shown to reduce the duration of ventilator support and the pressure levels of carbon dioxide in patients with acute respiratory failure. In addition, they note, ketosis reduces systemic inflammation and might reduce the overreaction of the immune system in fighting the disease, reducing the chance of the deadly “cytokine storm.”

Starting in September 2020, the researchers will enroll a total of 15 intubated patients with Covid-19 infection. Instead of the usual IV nutrition (with high glucose content) the trial will administer a 4:1 ketogenic formula.

The study will assess whether the ketogenic diet improves gas exchange, reduces inflammation, and reduces the duration of mechanical ventilation and will compare the outcomes to those receiving standard care.

A second group of researchers, headed by John Newman, MD, of the Buck Institute for Research on Aging, propose that ketones bodies should be studied as a possible treatment for Covid-19 infections as well as other respiratory infections like influenza. Their proposal was published on July 15 in the journal Med, which is a Cell Press journal.

In the long, detailed article, the seven authors lay out all the research to date around the biologic effects of ketone bodies — which are produced from fatty acid breakdown during carbohydrate restriction or fasting.

They note that ketones are molecules that cells can use for energy, instead of having to use glucose, but they also have “drug-like signaling activities that affect the immune system activity, metabolism and gene expression.”

The authors discuss the biology of ketones relevant to respiratory infections and summarize the opportunities, risks, and research gaps around ketone bodies used as a possible treatment. They note that exogenous ketones — meaning oral ketone supplements now being produced by companies — are easier to administer and study than the diet itself.

However, three of the seven authors declare in the paper’s conflict of interest statement that they hold patents or have created companies to produce exogenous ketone products.

The scientific news service, Eureka Alert, in a write up about the paper, quoted Newman saying caution is needed, but ketones should be studied more deeply in relation to the pandemic.

I want to be clear that there is no evidence that a ketogenic diet is protective in any way against Covid-19,” Newman said in the article. “In fact, there may be instances where BHB [ketones] could promote viral replication of SARS-CoV2, the specific virus that causes the disease. But given the promise that BHB shows against many of the age-related risk factors for Covid-19 such as heart disease and diabetes, we want to take advantage of this unique opportunity to bring geroscience [aging research] to the fight against Covid-19.

Newman is also quoted as saying: “Studying ketone bodies in this current environment not only holds promise in the fight against Covid-19, but the research is also likely to yield results that could help all of us live better, longer, in the absence of a pandemic.”

If you would like to find out more about ketones or how to do a ketogenic diet, check out the free Diet Doctor resources. And note, you don’t need to take ketone supplements — your body can make them. Just restrict the number of carbohydrates you eat to below 20 grams a day. Meals made from our keto recipes are easy and delicious.

A ketogenic diet for beginners What is ketosis Keto recipes

Please note: Most of our information, recipes, and guides will remain free forever.

More

Boosting your immune system to fight the coronavirus

GuideCan you boost your immune system to fight the coronavirus? Here’s what you need to know.

Coronavirus: are you at higher risk of complications?

GuideCould you be at risk of severe infection from the coronavirus? While all of us are at some degree of risk, many are at much higher risk. In this guide we explore what the means and what we can do about it.

Six tips for low-carb COVID-19 preparedness

Here are 6 tips to prepare for the coronavirus if you’re on low carb. You may want to be prepared for staying at home – possibly for a few weeks. Here’s what to do.

The post Ketones and low carb in the time of Covid-19: Helpful or harmful speculation? appeared first on Diet Doctor.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 11634933 https://ift.tt/3hBjXtl

[noiseartists]

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze: The Facebook Group

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze is a Facebook group created by Kevin Cleary. The group is arguably the biggest one on Facebook counting over 40 000 members. Noise Artists meets the moderators.

How long have you been and admin for this group?

Mark: I joined the group back in January 2019 and joined the admin team shortly after as a mod so i'm the new kid on the block.

Darren: For several years now. Too long to remember when it all started.

Kev: I created Shoegaze, Dreampop & Nugaze in 2009. My reasoning at the time was to find bands that kept the shoegaze candle burning (damn that sounds cheesy, lol). Acts such as Airiel, Ides of space, Resplandor, the Meeting Places, Astrobrite, Mystery Machine, etc.

Nico: I can’t remember, I got asked maybe a year and a half ago? What are the perks of being an admin?

Mark: Meeting all the cool bands and fans.

Darren: To be able give a platform for new bands to be heard and discovered by a new audience.

Kev: Over the years I've become a bit introverted, don't belong to a band and not hitting shows the way I once did (Dad life). The biggest perk is the music that I would never have discovered otherwise and the friendships that have developed. No gaze orgies, groupies, monetary benefit, drugs, etc. Maybe things would have been different if this was 1993, lol.

Nico: I guess, it’s like running a fanzine back in the days? it’s a lot of work for very little reward but you do it cause you like music more than anything else

What are the drawbacks of being and admin?

Mark: Dealing with disputes and arguments on the group. Why cant we all just get along people?

Darren: Having to moderate the troublemakers and haters.

Kev: "Why did you delete my Radiohead post?!Facist!!!!" It hasn't been all that easy and trust me, the page burns me out at times. Pet peeves include, getting tagged in a post bashing the group, reading a post from a FB friend, "sorry Kev, but the page....." A lot goes into running a page with over 45,000 members! Thank the Gods for the current (Darren, Mark & Nico) and past mods.

At some point we got in a war with WHIRR, which apparently wasn't the band but someone moderating their social media.

Oh shit, the whole Pranav Agrawal thing!

Where to even start with that one?! Pranav was a professional English swimmer, living in India with his boyfriend Matt. Yes. He was one of seven of us managing the page.

We were a tight bunch, often chatting several days a week. He was an integral part of the page, with great ideas and input. Things got weird when one of the mods forwarded a google image of a professional swimmer Daniel Goodfellow. Pranav had created this entire persona based on the swimmer! We called him out and poof, just like that, he was gone! Keyer Soze style.

Nico: Oh definitely the people with zero social skills and a lot of issues who are desperate for attention but know only how to seek it in negative ways. They clearly need to be educated but you can’t do that publicly because they want the attention so the only way to deal with them is to not give them any, delete, block, gone. Is there any perks? groupies? drugs? free music? 😉

Mark: The only "perk" i've had so far is some boudouir snaps of my fellow mod Nico Beatastic! I still havent slept since seeing them.

Darren: I occasionally get free music. People often reach out to me directly to share music that they feel I'll enjoy.

Kev: Ehhhh, not so much for a 46 year old married dad like me. The free music that group members send me! Ooooo, I listen to it all and totally appreciate it. Another perk is hearing or reading about the page in a positive light. Nico: the true perk is having Mark to send my boudoir pics to, I know he truly appreciates them.

What do you like best about the group?

Mark: The community spirit. The shoegaze community is incredibly tightknit and supportive.

Darren: Always being turned on to new music and forgotten treasures.

Kev: The music I've discovered and friendships that I've made over the last decade. Wow, talk about generic answers! There was a time when Darren, Rayanne, Greg, Romini, Liam, Pranav and I would drunk message for hours most every Friday/ Saturday. Mind you, we were all in different time zones. Those were fun times!

Nico: when shoegaze started it was called the scene that celebrates itself, people were supportive of each other, I think that’s mostly the case, also it’s never been about who’s got the biggest one (it’s Mark) , there’s no macho bullshit.

What do you like the least about the group?

Mark: The posts that begin, Its not shoegaze but.... or What is the most shoegaze <insert inanimate object here>. Wasn't funny the first time, not funny now. Stop it

Darren: Just because some music has elements of shoegaze or exists on its peripheral, doesn't make it shoegaze. It's hard to draw the line sometimes and that comes from someone who's been listening to this music for 30 years, let alone for people who are new to shoegaze.

Kev: Damn, if I let the cat out of the bag it will invite in hundreds of trolls! Like the teenage British invasion of 2015. Darren is the only mod who was around at that time and it SUCKED!! So my lips are sealed on this one.

Nico: the little wars, the negativity, the group is meant to post music you like, no diss music you hate. If you don’t have anything nice to say , don’t say anything.

If you could have anyone join the group, who would it be and why?

Mark: Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine for he is our lord and father. All hail the Kev!

Darren: Erik Blood. He's my favorite producer and has had a hand in recording/producing/creating/performing some of the best music from the Pacific Northwest for years.

Kev: We've had quite a few genre icons come and go throughout the years. Rachel and Emma were both members until they were called out in numerous posts. I was blown away when the lead of my favorite band joined several years ago!

Nico: I’d have my fave musician ever, Billy Corgan

Who should be an admin?

Mark: Elliott Frazer from Ringo Deathstarr as i inadvertantly removed him from the group. That would let him get his revenge on me.lol

Darren: Someone who loves music, music debate, and has an insatiable hunger to hear and discover new music.

Kev: Easy; Darren, Mark and Nico! Now i'm going to try and name everyone who has helped moderate the page over the years. Rayanne Die, Vic Winters, Dean Bromley, Steven Webb, Romini, Mike Contreras, Liam Doyle, Greg Wilson, Krissy Vanderwoude.

Nico: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Nick Cave, Henry Rollins. You can’t mess with them and they’re good with words. I’d love to have The Rock turn his boot sideways and stick it someone’s arse when they make a homophobic/racist/rude/mean comment.

Who should never be an admin?

Mark: Anyone who posts Its not shoegaze but.... or Whats the most shoegaze <insert inamimate object here>.

Darren: Someone who is thin-skinned.

Kev: Anyone not ready to put time into building and maintaining. I'm grateful that we have a great team running the page now and for all of the past admins.

Nico: I agree with Darren.

What is the sweetest thing you've seen happen in the group?

Mark: I seen a member post that they had just had a bad break up with their partner and was looking for tunes to cheer them up. The comments below that post were 100% supportive and full of some of the best music. It was testament to the family vibe we are proud to have on the group.

Darren: I've seen small unknown bands and musicians grow into being leaders of the scene that celebrates itself.

Kev: Krissy Vanderwoude and Andy Jossi collaborating! Two phenomenal musicians. I also love seeing obscure, unknown bands grow in part due to this group.

Nico: I think each time anyone posts a band they like, it’s an act of communion with the world , we share what we want so we can improve other people’s lives and that my friends is what life should be about.

Have any couple met on the group and got married and have children?

Mark: i have no idea. One of the other more learned admin may know.

Darren: If so, send me pics of them making babies.

Kev: I haven't received any wedding invites. Not to say that it hasn't happened. A group member did create a Shoegaze romantic connection group.

Nico: Mark and I are expecting ;)

What is the best band you've discovered through the group?

Mark: That’s not fair. There’s too many AMAZING bands ive discovered via this group. If you absolutely forced me to name one id have to go with The Stargazer Lilies. Occabot blew my tiny mind.

Darren: Flyying Colours

Kev: Oooooh, a "best band?" As far as my personal favorite, I'd have to say Echodrone. Dean "Shoegaze" Bromley, one of the original page members/ past admin, turned me onto them. There are SO many greats that I never would have heard of if it wasn't for SGDPNG!!!

Nico: that Russian shoegaze scene is pretty cool. Maybe Pinkshinyultrablast ?

How did it get so big? (the group Mark, the group!

Mark: We have an open door policy and we get a lot of people inviting friends. We also have a lot of members who are in bands. It means they can interact with our members directly which is a huge thing for fans.

Darren: People love shoegaze and want a place to share and learn more about it.

Kev: Be careful of what you wish for!! There were waves of growth starting with the MBV/ Slowdive/ Lush reunions. Then there was the whole "bro gaze" movement, not the happiest of times on the page.

Nico: The big 3 coming back , the old school gazers have older kids now so more time on their hands and the brogazers. I went to see Slowdive a couple of years ago and the audience was clearly 14 to 60, lots of kids. The Rachel look is quite iconic, it appeals to a lot of young women.

Have you ever thought of making tshirts? mugs? merch?

Mark: I’d love that. We did that in another group i admin. See what King Kev Cleary has to say. He's the boss!

Darren: I would love if one day we could release music by some of the bands that we discover in the group.

Kev: A few years back I created a website with the intent of doing just that. Never materialized. I remember what Greg Wilson, one time page mod, went through getting DKFM to where it is today. Don't have that sort of time to dedicate.

Nico: it’s all very doable, especially a compilation series, that would be fairly easy.

[swipestream]

New Release Roundup, 24 November 2018: Fantasy and Adventure

Samurai struggle with honor in civil war, dragons soar over nuclear wastelands, and Louis L’Amour, Andre Norton, and David Drake return in this roundup of the newest releases in fantasy and adventure fiction.

Blade of Retribution (Blood Samurai #3) – Lynn Francis 

An emperor’s wraith from the grave that would see the fall of a dynasty and the rise of the samurai.

At great cost to his soul and sanity, Riku believes he has the demon Sutoku under control. With the aid of the witch Takiyasha hime the demon Sutoku is no longer a separate presence but a part of Riku – a part that demands the blood of those he seeks his vengeance upon.

The war that had been brewing has been in stalemate and a supernatural famine is tearing apart the land. Before it reaches it’s breaking point the Taira move against the Minamoto and the Minamoto will be ready.

For they have also made a pack for power and as betrayal after betrayal comes, the dark forces that threaten to consume the land grow stronger and stronger.

Will Riku be able to overcome his past and stop both his and his country’s descent into madness?

Cirsova: Heroic Fantasy and Science Fiction #10 – edited by Cirsova Publishing

Cirsova Magazine is for readers who want exciting tales of daring heroes up against impossible odds in exotic settings. It’s also for authors of adventure SFF.

Novelette

Crying in the Salt House, by B. Morris Allen

Short Stories

Jeopardy Off Jupiter IV, by Spencer E. Hart

The Best Workout, by Frederick Gero Heimbach

A Song in Deepest Darkness, by Jason Ray Carney

Amsel the Immortal, by Lauren Goff

An Interrupted Scandal, by Misha Burnett

The Sword of the Mongoose, by Jim Breyfogle

When Gods Fall in Fire, by Brian K. Lowe

Poetry

My Name is John Carter (Part 7), by James Hutchings

Dragon Mage – Andre Norton and Jean Rabe

Shy realizes that she is lucky to be taken in by her grandparents after her father dies–but life above an antique store in Slade’s Corners, Wisconsin is not exactly the place a teenage girl wants to be.

One day while going through boxes of her father’s boyhood stuff, she comes upon a rare old set of dragon puzzles … all of which are missing pieces. Her grandmother recalls the fantastic tales Shy’s father would tell about his travels to lands of dragons and adventure. She always thought that these fantasies were inspired by the puzzles Shy has found.

Shy realizes that by mixing and matching the different sets she can complete a single dragon puzzle that combines all of the others. Upon doing so she is whisked away to ancient Babylon where she must continue the duties of her father’s legacy as a servant to the dragon and a savior of the world.

  Iron Garland (Harbinger #3) – Jeff Wheeler 

For three years, Sera Fitzempress has been a pawn in a gilded prison—the floating manor of Pavenham Sky. Disgraced and exiled from society, she has been isolated from the downtrodden she’s determined to liberate. But although Sera may seem subservient on the outside, the stubborn princess has only become emboldened.

Now in charge of her family’s estate, Cettie Pratt has grown into an independent young woman, although she continues to be tested by the high society of the clouds. Advancing in the magic of the Mysteries, Cettie is also a useful tool of defense during turbulent times. However, as more of Cettie’s mysterious past comes to light, her greatest challenge may be a reckless stranger with a dark secret.

The fog of war is drawing in, and with it comes a startling new enemy who may unravel secrets that both women would prefer stay hidden. But their secrets may be the only way to stop the coming darkness…

The Minstrel and the Mercenary – David Scoles 

For Dafydd ap Gwilym, Welsh poet and minstrel, a life composing poems of chivalry and courtly love while enjoying the patronage of the Black Prince of Wales felt like the dream of every poor second son – until he found himself caught up in the siege of Caen and needed to be rescued by the dangerous Radu the Black, a hardened mercenary of Transylvania.

Forced into an unlikely partnership by the King of England, Gwilym and Radu must solve a murder while hunting down a band of killers led by a mercenary known only as the Nachzehrer, but there is more to this murder than Gwilym suspects…

The fate of Europe is the balance as Radu and Gwilym race to uncover a conspiracy, but can a minstrel and a mercenary find a way to trust one another even as the past comes back to haunt them both?

No Traveller Returns (Louis L’Amour’s Lost Treasures #2) – Louis L’Amour and Beau L’Amour

As the shadows of World War II gather, the SS Lichenfield is westbound across the Pacific carrying eighty thousand barrels of highly explosive naphtha. The cargo alone makes the journey perilous, with the entire crew aware that one careless moment could lead to disaster.

But yet another sort of peril haunts the Lichenfield. Even beyond their day-to-day existence, the lives of the crew are mysteriously intertwined. Though each has his own history, dreams and jealousies, longing and rage, all are connected by a deadly web of chance and circumstance.

Some are desperately fleeing the past; others chase an unknown destiny. A few are driven by the desire for adventure, while their shipmates cling to the Lichenfield as their only true home. In their hearts, these men, as well as the women and children they have left behind, carry the seeds of salvation or destruction. And all of them—kind or cruel, strong or broken—are bound to the fate of the vessel that carries them toward an ever-darkening horizon.

Radioactive Evolution – Richard Hummel

How far would you go to change humanity’s fate?

Jared Cartwright has spent the last two years delving into the twisted, scarred wastelands of an earth ravaged by nuclear war. The rich and powerful have taken to the oceans and skies on floating utopias, escaping destruction and leaving the rest of humanity to fend off the mutated creatures that roam the earth.

To face his new reality, Jared must become an apex predator if he hopes to survive. He must evolve beyond human limitations to confront those that left mankind to die.

Jared’s quest takes a new turn when he discovers dragons are real.

Red Skies (The Valens Legacy #11) – Jan Stryvant

With the President on his side and the failure of the Vestibulum’s last-ditch attempt to stop him, it seems that Sean’s goal is almost complete. Until, that is, the First moves up Sean’s timetable to deal with Canada and Mexico. Also it seems that a group in Congress is starting to push back against the President’s executive order, but no one really seems to know why. Or even who’s behind it.

Canada proves to be full of unexpected surprises, but when events start heating up in Washington D.C., Sean is forced to switch gears and reassess his priorities. Things are not always what they seem, of course, and things that didn’t make sense before start to take on an ominous meaning as Sean begins to learn about the real enemy that he is facing.

And he’ll be facing them much sooner than anyone suspected.

The Spark (Time of Heroes #1) – David Drake

In the time of the Ancients the universe was united—but that was so far in the past that not even memory remains, only the broken artifacts that a few Makers can reshape into their original uses. What survives is shattered into enclaves—some tiny, some ruined, some wild.

Into the gaps between settlements, and onto the Road that connects all human reality and the reality that is not human and may never have been human, have crept monsters. Some creatures are men, twisted into inhuman evil; some of them are alien to Mankind—and there are things which are hostile to all life, things which will raven and kill until they are stopped.

A Leader has arisen, welding the scattered human settlements together in peace and safety and smashing the enemies of order with an iron fist. In his capital, Dun Add, the Leader provides law and justice. In the universe beyond, his Champions advance—and enforce—the return of civilization.

Pal, a youth from the sticks, has come to Dun Add to become a Champion. Pal is a bit of a Maker, and in his rural home he’s been able to think of himself as a warrior because he can wield the weapons of the Ancient civilization. Pal has no idea of what he’s really getting into in Dun Add. On the other hand, the Leader and Dun Add have no real idea of what might be inside this hayseed with high hopes.

Web of Eyes (Buried Goddess Saga #1) – Rhett C. Bruno and Jaime Castle 

The kingdom’s only hope against evil is a rotten thief.

Self-proclaimed “World’s Greatest Thief”, Whitney Fierstown, has yet to find a trinket or treasure he couldn’t steal. He nearly pulls off the heist of the century by snatching the Glass Crown off the dying king’s head until rotten luck throws him into the path of Torsten Unger, a steadfast knight determined to save his vulnerable kingdom.

Torsten offers this ultimatum: rot and die in a dank cell or join him on a dangerous expedition and put his skills to good use. The Queen’s treasonous brother has cursed the Crown Prince by taking a piece of his soul and hiding it in the haunted Webbed Woods. Only a master thief can steal it back.

Rebellion building in the south. Madness seated upon the throne. Famine and death spreading throughout the land. The kingdom is in peril.

If this unlikely pair is to thwart their devious target, save the prince, and survive the horrifying monster lurking in the darkness, they must first put aside their differences…or die trying.

New Release Roundup, 24 November 2018: Fantasy and Adventure published first on https://medium.com/@ReloadedPCGames

[whenthemarshmallowmettheslayer]

Favorite fics you ever written?

Warning this a long post because I've written a lot of fics.

For Harry Potter:

1.) The Definition of Good. Summary:  After Chamber of Secrets Harry gives Dobby a place to stay. Everything changes.

2.)  Keep it simple, keep it safe. That's all you can do when it's too late. Summary: Harry smiled; it didn't reach his mom's eyes. "There's no need to call me sir professor," Harry quipped once again. This Harry knew. This Harry could take and dare he say it? Liked. Or rather, he liked it compared to the alternative despite his hatred towards the greasy haired wizard before him.

(Harry can't help but remember the chocolate cake slices and hours of looking at photos of Mrs.Figg's cats, the warm - to the point he feels as though they may burn him - embraces from Mrs. Weasley, Dumbledore's soft spoken promises and words that might as well be empty, of Sirius' offer of Harry living with him just gone in a blink of eye because he fell into a veil Harry's godfather could not come out of.)

For Percy Jackson:

1.) I scream too loud when I speak my mind. Summary: Percy Jackson does not accidentally vaporize his pre-algebra teacher and everything else that happens afterward. (I've actually loved writing all the parts of the series but I'm only including this one.)

For Death Note:

1.) To be a Queen. Summary: It's that the queens (Misa, only Misa, because Misa the idiot sees what no one else sees. L says he doesn't swing that way but L wants Light, Kira, but Light is Kira therefore the other king. So duh he can't be L's queen no matter what that pevert wants.) in chess are the most powerful pieces despite the kings (Ryuzaki and Light) being the most important. Because without the king (Kira and L) there's no game, if you defeat the other king you win; Kira wins and he will.

2.) Game over. Summary: Instead of replying to baby Kira Matt takes the cigarette out of his mouth and with a smile (it's weird to smile because Matt never really smiles and it's probably a real ugly ass sight to see) throws his last cigarette onto the Death Note.

Game Over, he thinks and just walks off without so much a word. He wonders briefly what's next. With Light it's easy (boring even). He'd follow his dear dad's footsteps and become a police officer. Probably the best and maybe he'll meet L. Those two assholes deserved each other, Matt decided, but what about him?

(Or the universe gives Matt a restart after dying and he sadly uses his last cigarette on the Death Note.)

For Tokyo Ghoul:

1.) There's a ghost in my lungs. Summary: A series of non-linear conversations where Haise learns about his past, how he became who he was, and people that Kaneki loved. (Haise time travels to the beginning of Tokyo Ghoul. I've only posted one chapter so far.)

For Jessica Jones/Alias:

1.) Rest in pieces our youth (so we might glue it back together again). Crossover with Spiderman Homecoming. Summary: Jessica Campbell and Peter Parker are least likely of friends ever since Jessica came back to school.

For Fullmetal Alchemist:

1.) I've got questions. Summary: Edward smiled thinly, something viscous but not ugly (never ugly, not when it came to her) was the look in his feral eyes.

"Rose," gently, Ed thought, like she was Al or Winry when they were doing stupid shit, "that was a list that represented the complete chemical makeup of a human body for the average adult. It had been calculated to the last microgram, but still there has never been one reported case of successfully creating a human life."

Some people put their faith in gods to be able to live their life; some, like him, lived their life to achieve a goal. There had once been a time when Ed use to pray with mom. He had even prayed after mom had died but had stopped a long time ago.

It wasn't the constant frustration of loose ends (till now, Edward thought, Cornello's ring on his mind). No, he had stop praying even before that. It wasn't even the bastard's sharp jabs that were constant; always there as though Edward would ever let himself forget. What an idiot; how'd that man ever become a Colonel? Besides obviously burning children and women to death that corpses he climbed on to get to the top of the military.

2.) (What is) insanity but the ability to draw the perfect circle? Summary: There's a creak in a board behind him and he whirls around, hands ready to clap. It's Scar. Again there is a difference. Well differences technically. That makes his hand hover, pausing him from clapping. Scar, wearing glasses while inside on a rainy day, stares at the sight before him.

He should take a picture. It'll last longer.

"Are you Edward Elric the Fullmetal State Alchemist?"

Maybe it's because someone has actually him if he's Edward that he answers honestly. "No."

Or Edward is okay with suggesting to partner up with Scar to kill his Fuhrer (who might not be a homunculus in this universe) but isn't okay with Nina going in the rain and getting a cold.

For Star Wars:

1.) Love of a daughter. Summary: "and yet, so far at least we have yet to figure out what you gain from this." It's a question as well as statement. A chance to explain, to come clean on why she - a unknown Sith- had assassinated they're precious, beloved Chancellor (what fools). But how could you come clean when there is so much blood on her hands? Never-mind the sins and blood on Vader and Luke's when her family had been alive.

When she answers it's not because she's announcing her transgressions in hope that her heavy, dirty soul might be saved. One couldn't repent when they didn't feel guilt in their sin.

"For the love of a daughter." Leia pauses and looks back at Anakin and thinks: I did this to avenge you. After thinking that Leia says one more thing - the last thing actually because she nothing else to say after this.

"And you should have been more careful electing your Chancellor. You never know who is Sith." This has double meaning but she's the only person who knows it.

And she's fine with that (no, she isn't).

Leia wonders if her younger self and Luke will ever become the monsters like her Luke had been and the monster she is.

2.) When dreams come true (which they often do when Anakin Skywalker dreams them). Summary:It happens in the day, in the light. A dark masked man with heavy breath that was killing the slave owners and freeing the slaves. No one - not even the Hutts, who were now dead- could stop the droid looking man.

That doesn’t surprise Anakin though. Anakin had seen the stranger’s blade that coated the sands with different colors of blood. A red lightsaber. The man was a Jedi and he had come to free them.

(Or young Anakin's dream comes true just not in the way he dreamt it.)

3.) Nobody does it like Artoo. Summary: Because the droid had just killed Chancellor Palpatine. The man who was the closest thing Anakin had to father.

“Artoo please tell why you just killed Chancellor Palpatine?” He asks, in soft calm voice. He needs to keep a level head. Needs to be the Jedi many claim he cannot be. Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out. He could be calm when all he wanted to do was try to find the person who responsible for rewiring Artoo and show him/or her why it was a bad idea to touch his droid and make his droid kill a person he loved.

Artoo beeps his answer and Ana-

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN PAlPATINE IS DARTH SIDIOUS AND THAT YOU’RE FROM THE FUTURE!?”

4.) Of time travel and relationship blocking. Summary: But he knows the universe is better off by Artoo's travel in time. Palpatine is dead. Artoo had killed the Sith Master that had destroyed too much of his humans’ lives. There was no Empire and Darth Vader did not exist. The twins were raised by their creators. All was good except Leia was coming to age of no longer a child yet not an adult.

Which meant other human boys were becoming attracted to future Senator. Human boys who were not Han Solo. It was becoming rather frustrating - to the point Artoo felt like rolling into a wall- but at least Anakin agreed that these human boys did not belong with his creation. (Sequel to the fic above. Never did write more chapters for this fic but I do adore it.)

For Star Trek:

1.) I appreciate your enthusiasm, but Kodos will not be in this production. Summary: This was not how Jim imagined telling Bones about Tarsus IV. Actually that was a lie. Jim had planned to never tell Bones about Tarsus IV. But so is the life of Jim Kirk (also known as James T. Kirk, JT, Captain, and t'hy'la to Spock and Ambassador Spock who both had yet to tell him what that word meant. A childish part of Jim thinks that Hoshi would tell him if she was still alive before his mood darkens. The memories - the guilt - of that day flashes before his eyes and God does Jim hate drugs.).

2.)  Logically speaking. Summary: "Say mother had been," there had been a pause as Spock tried to find the right words to convey his question, "say mother went through unnecessary strife during her adolescent years and somehow you ended up in the past. Do you allow for her to face this to persevere an already faulted timeline or do you save her?"

By then, Amanda had made her way to her husband side so she could look into Spock's eyes. The question was odd and admittedly out there but her son's eyes said otherwise. Spock's eyes could be compared to an open book and that book told Amanda that this somehow was serious and her son was torn.

(Or the backstory on how Spock sort-of got permission from his father to steal a ship from the Vulcan Science Academy through Amanda Grayson's eyes.)

3.) I prefer to have my nightmares with open eyes. Crossover with Black Butler. Summary: Jimmy, JT, James Tiberius Kirk (whoever the hell he truly is) knows what it's like to adapt just to stay alive, to be whoever he needed to be just to survive. Just to eat.

It makes him laugh and JT doesn't know this but he reminds the demon (Sebastian he once was called and will take the name, the mask, of once again) of another young boy who the world had destroyed. Who had laugh a bitter laugh because that was all he could do. Crying, after all, did nothing. (Maybe one day I will write that Shinigami!Jim fic. If I ever do I will gift it to ShortyKatezey.)

4.) I need you, I need you, I need you right now. Don't leave me alone. Summary: It doesn’t matter in the end that this universe’s blue eyed James T. Kirk isn’t Spock Prime’s Jim. He still feels Jim-so familiar to his Captain, his Admiral, his Jim, his thyla yet so differnet, so angry, so broken - death.

It should have been me (it had been him in his universe) is Spock’s first thought after he momentarily gets over the wave, the crash of emotions he feels. His next thought is: I am not fine. (This is Spock Prime reacting to Jim's death in Into Darkness.)

5.) Of bored school boys and a death god. Crossover with Death Note. Summary: Ryuk drops the Death Note and a bored but brilliant beyond his years teenage boy picks it up. Sound familiar? Except it's not. JT is many things but a God complex isn't one of them.

For The Vampire Diaries:

1.) When did you dance with death? Summary: When did they all die? When did this become their lives? Was Damon to blame? Stefan to be blamed? Was Katherine to blame? Or Klaus to blame? Were Klaus' parents to blame for trying to keep their kids alive and eventually making them into monsters? Whose to blame for the fact they're all murders instead of simply, normal teenager?

And you know what? They're going to be dead for sure instead of just their morality and innocence having kicked the bucket. There's no vampire blood in their system that could cure them from what Klaus will inflict; Katherine ran from Klaus for hundreads of years and her family was slaughtered just because she wanted to live. They had killed Kol - Klaus' own brother - and trapped him with the burnt corpse.

2.) Revenge is best served with condoms. Summary: "I know who you are. You're the tasty little thing my older brother has come to truly fancy." Tasty little thing. Caroline froze; those words replaying in her head except in British accent (the only accent she truly had thing for).

For Yuri on Ice:

1.) The downside of love. Summary: Soulmates that share the bruises on their other's skin can have a downside if you haven't met them yet. Katsuki Yuuri learns this the hard way.