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nobodyeverasked · 3 years

Text

true colours; huang renjun

(10,554) words - large

summary ➣ Y/N and Renjun, two lost boys who found safety in each other, tread upon unsteady ground as they struggle to save a friendship that seems to have been slipping from their grasp without them even knowing.

genre ➣ angst (+ fluff)

requested - 👍

note ➣ This is ending 3 of 7 in the dear dream series. Same as all the other stories, this ending takes place right after the prologue, following your choice, and is in the same timeframe as other endings such as suburban superstar (Jisung) and champagne problems (Jeno).

Like the last two endings, the prologue is good for a little bit of context. However this ending can stand on its own, so if you just want some Renjun content, then happy reading 💛!

-: ✧ prologue — mark - renjun - jeno - haechan - jaemin - chenle - jisung ✧ :-

.・゜-: ✧ :- .・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・. -: ✧ :-゜・．

Ending 3 of 7

Y/N sighed into his phone screen as it seemed to kick up this pretentious, cool ivory glow of its own. He looked at Renjun’s text, reading the words but not the sentence, and squeezing himself between every space in the letters, he felt as if his chest deflated. The fond laughter that threatened to bubble up in his throat as his gaze rose to the avocado and grandma emoji that hovered near his best friend’s name, it dissipated in an instant as he scanned over the text one more.

‘Hey I’m really sorry we couldn’t hang out. I’m still free tonight to make up for yesterday.’

It was only one line, but Y/N couldn’t help but read between them. His head pulled him in every direction, spreading him thin over the chorus of thoughts that crooned bitterly in his ear. He wanted to text him back, to say something, anything. But he just couldn’t figure out what just yet. He felt wrung dry of air, worn of breath before he even took another one as he realized how quickly Renjun’s smile fell through nowadays. Sometimes it couldn’t even weather a gentle springtime breeze, the subtle sweetness of the morning dew being carried away by the wind being too much for him sometimes.

He didn’t know why Renjun was so sorry all the time, as if he was pleading guilty to a crime he didn’t commit, to pay his debts before he had someone to owe to. Renjun hasn’t done anything but be that light perched at the very center of Y/N’s empty, barren sky. That mess of silver curls atop his head always seems like the breath of relief that assuages the darkness, his laughter was the sand that split the tides of old memories that kept resurfacing on Y/N’s shores.

Shooting up and slinging his bag over his shoulder, Y/N knew what he had to do. Sitting here, pretending to sift through biology notes and convoluted questions, doing nothing but watching the sky with envy and wondering what the quiet it seemed to hoard all to itself felt like. It’s not doing him any good. No good for Renjun either...

All Y/N would be doing was letting the golden twines of the sunlight tangle him up and remind him of how it’ll never feel the same ever since Jisung severed their tapestry of cherished moments and keeps twisting the knife.

All those nights they seemed to burn away effortlessly, they’re nothing but a collection of shrivelled ashes in Y/N’s hands. Worn to dust with the faded stars he forged between their interlocked pinkies that the entire world seemed to be wrapped around.

Whenever Y/N was foolish enough to leave himself alone with his thoughts, everything would come back to him. Every big picture and every tiny nuance of every single thing that he and Jisung did together.

That nostalgia that always creeps up on him and leaves a bittersweet sting on the tip of his tongue, he’s grown numb to it. He never sees it as special anymore, the bliss that those moments used to bring him, the light that the sunshine would sing in shimmers against his skin. It was nothing but an empty dream and an empty feeling.

He’d always ask himself how everything changed so quickly. From squeezing in for room at his bedroom’s bay window to sitting there all alone, missing all the glimmers in the starlight that Jisung would point out for him and forgetting to thread the indigos together with his empty hands. There’d usually be something there to fill them, Jisung’s touch that’d eclipse his whenever they laced their fingers together, that’s what it was. Now, nothing’s the same. Y/N’s left to wonder what happened. Where did everything silently snap between them? Where did they unravel? Would Y/N even had a say in it if he was in the right place at the right time?

He still knows nothing, this entire year and a half spent wading helplessly through a dimly lit void of perpetual loneliness and longing. This is where he ended up after his fall from grace, after Jisung cut away the twines of the moonlight that bound their futures together.

The landing below… Y/N never knew that it would hurt this much…

Y/N slipped out the open classroom door with a stumble as he fought back against the shadow that’s been looming over him for far too long. Hovering over his shoulder and grinding his desperate attempts to rekindle his hope into the ground like worn cigarettes, That shadow only appeared as soon as the promise Jisung and Y/N made to be each other’s light snapped in two.

Y/N’s been left helpless, left to blindly stumble over fragments of memories lost to faded laughter and an unread text. And it’s only ever seemed to be Y/N who feels as if a part of him was missing, as if he’s the only one who’s ever pledged fealty to the moon, as if he’s the only one who thought that their sleepless nights on Y/N’s roof - Jisung’s arms wound around him like the starlight that hung over them - ever meant anything.

After leaving the classroom, YN was so consumed by his thoughts that he barely noticed the weight that lingered on his shoulders, and as soon as he gave it his attention, he couldn’t quite shake it off. It ran through his chest, leaving his thoughts stumbling behind him, his breath wrung dry and paper thin. It bore this intense, suffocating heat to it, leaving ashes to scatter across Y/N’s skin and dig under like an itch he can’t scratch away.

It was as if someone was watching him take his final steps out the classroom, hoping he’d trip on himself and kick up the leftover sunlight that settled between the tiles.

Y/N could only feel its burn finally fade as he made his way further down the hallway, the pale overhead lights seeming to chase it away.

Shaking his head as he rounded the corner and pushed through the stairway doors that led right to his locker, his weak attempt to wade through the shoulders-deep tides of his feelings was all in vain. It started to leak through the cracks in his resolve, but Y/N just tried to focus on where Renjun would meet him. His locker seemed like the best bet, the place they both gravitated to during every spare period, where they waited for each other whenever they had plans before classes started, and where they planned to meet for half-assed coffee-runs before one of them needed to cancel.

Y/N pushed the door open and winced at the shrill echoes of its metallic whine, squinting under the golden sunlight that fell upon him in swathes through the windows. In the distance - just around the corner where he’d always bump into a quiet, illusive, leather-clad guy who never fails to seize his stare for a little too long - Y/N could see a slumped silhouette carving out its shape in the amber glow of the emerging evening sunlight.

The tapping of tattered, white trainers against the ashen floors strumming a faint melody of dull clicks down the hallway; the folds of a sweater vest two times the figure’s size eclipsing the edges of their shadow. A fray of messy hair spun into gold under the shimmers of the light streaming in through the hallway and settling into the grooves of the tile they were restlessly scratching at whenever they weren’t hunching over the phone in their hands. Only one figure hidden in the shine of the sunlight could ever get a small smile to creep up at the corners of Y/N’s lips.

Huang Renjun was exactly where Y/N expected him to be.

The sigh of relief that broke free from Y/N’s chest as he recognized exactly who it was stirred the fidgeting of the shadow in the hallway. A sliver of a hum escaped from them, and they pushed themselves off the ground and shuffled forward into one of the strips of light laid upon the ground.

“Hey…” Renjun’s voice was soft and tentative like it always was as he opened his arms up and greeted Y/N with one of their ceremonial hugs. The way his shy smile ignited the copper dapples against his skin as the trees outside the windows rustled to a silent breeze, it made Y/N want to smile too.

“Hey.” Y/N looked down to see Renjun’s lit phone screen as he pulled back, idling on the text he sent Y/N almost five minutes ago. He wondered how long Renjun was anxiously wearing away at himself, waiting for Y/N to respond. How long he was going to wait or how long he was willing to wait for three coyly bouncing dots to appear on the other end? It made Y/N’s stomach twist up. “Sorry if I kept you waiting…” Y/N trailed off, the bitterness of his guilt as it crept up on him making his throat feel hollow and coarse.

“No please, don’t worry about it.” Renjun stepped out of Y/N’s way so he could reach his locker, stealing a quick glance down at his unanswered text to Y/N before taking a soft, but sharp sigh and tucking his phone in the back pocket of his corduroy trousers. “The floor was pretty comfortable, actually. I felt like a king.” Bringing himself closer to Y/N as he tucked his textbooks into the top shelf of his locker, he rested his chin on Y/N’s shoulder.

Feeling the beginnings of a nice conversation die off and outlive its glory, it never fails to make a bittersweet smile slowly grow on Renjun’s face. Their conversations have been like that quite a lot nowadays, gone before it’s there, silent before the noise is made, and always disappearing on them; leaving footprints of quiet, strained laughter in the sand.

Part of Renjun just thinks he’s not trying hard enough, that if Y/N’s not laughing or stepping outside their realm of contemplative silence, then he’s not happy.

It’s like Renjun loses his concept of object permanence, if Y/N’s smile isn’t there, then neither is his joy - something Renjun always wants to make Y/N feel. Especially after the year and a half they’ve had together.

At least the gentle sweetness of Renjun’s homemade tea still clung to them, still persevered even in the dying breaths of their attempts at passing conversation. Renjun sometimes wonders if it’s still practically sewn into the fabric of the cardigan he gave to Y/N on Christmas, the one that always carved out Y/N’s silhouette in the ivory streaks of the winter sunlight and made the luster in his smile practically blinding.

The way the daylight shattered and fell around them in little diamonds on those afternoons where they’d shed their jackets and shuffle around in the layers of snow by the courtyard benches. Renjun could never forget the melodies of Y/N’s laughter on those days where they had nothing but each other. They haven’t had that a lot since they met - moments of purely each other - and he wonders if Y/N’s songs ever weave into the air for other people as well.

The longer Renjun laid his head on Y/N’s shoulder, the clearer were those memories of holding onto nothing but the warmth of that cologne that Renjun wore on one monotonous, spring day. How Y/N tossed aside his compliments about how good it smelled, he could’ve never imagined that it’d wrap itself around their conversations every day.

Y/N never thought about it after that, though, it was simply just a reoccurring colour in the sky. He grew familiar with the comfort it brought, as he’d always take his sleeve between his fingers whenever Renjun wasn’t there in the back corner of some history classroom to look over the fields behind the school.

Maybe Renjun thought about it a lot more than he did, though. Maybe he started wearing it every single day after that because of one, seemingly neglected comment that Y/N made as they playfully shouldered each other down the hall. And maybe, just maybe, that the smile that was left plastered on Renjun’s face the entire day was something that brought him up when everything was stacked against them and wearing them down. Y/N wondered how many of those thoughts, emotions and memories he glossed over, and how many might’ve been Renjun’s guiding lights or beacons in his times of darkness.

“Can I ask something?” There it was, that tension, that needless, suffocating feeling rising in his chest once again. It leaked into the fissures of all their conversations, and all Y/N wanted to do was tear through it and stop Renjun’s trying smile from fading so quickly nowadays.

Renjun nodded, his hum of agreement turning to one of satisfaction and settling to the floor as Y/N brought his hand up and scratched tenderly near his nape.

One of the few things Y/N noticed, Renjun would always scratch the back of his neck timidly whenever he was nervous. Y/N wanted to send something, any sort of signal to tell him that it was okay, that he didn’t want him to be on edge all the time.

“You know you don’t have to make up for anything, right? There’s nothing to make up for.” Y/N said as he closed his locker gently, turning around as Renjun dismounted his chin from Y/N’s shoulder. The notches in the floor took Renjun’s interest again, a sheepish shimmer wandering briefly over his eyes. “I’m just saying, Junnie. I’m not an obligation or anything.” Y/N shrugged to himself, thinking about how to continue. But he just caught his breath as he saw Renjun slowly lift his gaze again.

“I-I know…” A thick, pungent uncertainty that stuck to their skin ran thick in Renjun’s voice. “I just wanted to make sure you know that I want to spend time with you.” As Renjun’s words escaped his lips at a trickle of a pace, Y/N realized how much he needed to make up for. Not Renjun. Him.

Y/N was always bothered before he was engaged, he overthinks and hyperfixates before he’s available, and he always lets Jisung steal his first thoughts before Renjun does. Before the person standing right in front of him does. Someone who isn’t here, someone who left him is the first person on his mind; the silvers of Y/N’s and Jisung’s lost horizons and the whispers that have stayed dancing there always greet Y/N in the morning before he reaches out to catch the butterflies Renjun left in his stomach the afternoon prior. He can’t keep thinking like this, he can’t keep thinking about Jisung. He’s gone and Renjun’s here. The only words of Jisung’s left to linger in Y/N’s head were remnants of broken promises, where Renjun’s been painting over them with careless whispers and cheeky laughter of his own.

All these deluded fantasies, these vague concepts and wishes Y/N’s chased down all the sidestreets he and Jisung used to explore and strip of their novelty, inch by inch. Those stars in his hands have died already, and he needs to finally put them to rest before they collapse.

“You do a really good job at making sure that I know that….” They began to walk down the hallway and Renjun welcomed the arm that wound loosely around his shoulders. You don’t owe me anything… Y/N thought to himself as he looked at Renjun, a tightness in his slightly scrunched features relaxing the moment Y/N sent him a little, reassuring squeeze. “So… How d’you wanna waste our day away?” As ideas began to surface in Y/N’s mind, he just remembered the impending doom of his English midterm. But he felt a little bit of security as he realized that he hasn't even been assigned a partner yet.

Renjun gave it some thought. There were so many things he wanted to do with Y/N, so many things they have yet to do or even talk about. It brought a smile to Renjun’s face, how much of the starlit sky they have yet to overturn and how far they have yet to explore. But he couldn’t help but bite back a mix of emotions he couldn’t quite identify.

“I heard your English class has a midterm starting tomorrow, so how ‘bout some painting at my place! We could destress a little before then…?” By the end of his offer, Renjun’s voice stood as nothing but a shred of a whisper, and when he looked up to Y/N’s contemplative stare toward the front exit doors, he couldn’t help but hold his breath. Renjun knows Y/N’s parents are off for business, and maybe, if he’s lucky, Y/N could stay over for dinner and conquer a twilight with him. They haven’t done that yet, and had an entire day to themselves. Granted, they’ve been on the other end of each other’s phone lines when the sun went down, but Renjun wants to feel the lavender flush of a new dawn against his skin with Y/N next to him.

They’ve been so close to breaching that threshold recently, and Renjun finally wants to take that big step in their friendship. He wants to be for Y/N what his old friends were, he wants to be just as connected to Y/N as Jisung was…

Hopefully… Renjun can only hope…

“That sounds like an amazing idea.” Y/N smiled as his eyes drifted from Renjun and over to the hand that played with his, fingers weaving and unweaving between his and draping from the one he rested on Renjuns shoulder.

Renjun knew so much about Y/N, like how painting helped him destress, how going on mid-afternoon walks at the most impractical times helped him think, and how filling up the spaces in the sky with his words helped him slow down. Renjun just seemed to get that, get him. He was always there to listen, always right next to him on those stray, cobbled paths on the edge of the school’s lot, always shoving his studious habits aside and offering to sneak with him into the art classrooms with Y/N during spare periods. He always puts himself forward and goes out of his way to help Y/N stay out of his own.

Y/N didn’t know that much about Renjun, however, or at least about his habits. He doesn’t know whether it’s because Renjun’s never been quite the revealing type, always keeping things close to his chest even when he thinks their heartbeats fall on the same wavelength. Or maybe it could be that Y/N just never tried hard enough to peel back the surface to notice; Renjun just always seemed so perfect, so nice, so gentle and generous. The only thing he got every now and then was nervous, or at least that’s what he showed.

Y/N swallowed back the questions that left a bitter taste on his tongue. He didn’t want to submerge himself in more doubt than he already put himself in.

“Okay!” Renjun said with a chuckle. He sounded relieved, as if he was preparing for the worst. “Cool.”

As soon as they pushed through the front exit doors, the clangor from the baseball field overwhelmed the finally comfortable silence that surrounded them. Their figures could be seen in the distance, blurs of red and white, kicking up sun-stained, copper sands, all shrouded in a haze of rough and coarse shouting. Even from afar, that voice sounded so familiar, and clawed its way under their skin in such a distinctly ravenous and merciless way.

Renjun didn’t even need to think that hard in order to find the scars from the morning, the scars that Jeno left in both of them with his ‘fake best friend’ comment. They still haven’t healed since then, from when they were under the furious spark in Jeno’s eye, that glint in his triumphant, cocky smirk as he said it and his squared shoulders, propped up by the egotism that followed him everywhere. Y/N and Renjun have been under Jeno’s burning spotlight numerous times, more so now since they’ve tried to find their voice and push back against him.

But their familiarity with Jeno’s wrath didn’t make it hurt any less, didn’t remedy the burn any quicker or didn’t stop the ache whenever he plucked at their heartstrings and left them to tangle.

Now, their quiet was anything but comfortable, though, as Jeno’s remark began to whip up in a whirlwind that careened through both of their minds. Chaos weaving between every spare second their thoughts had to themselves and shadowing every small step they made out of the school gateway and down the street to Renjun’s house. Maybe if they turn back and head to the science block where everything happened, the sparks lit in the air between Jeno’s grinding teeth and clenched jaw could still be seen if they look just right.

“Jeno just said that to get under our skin…” Renjun said, as if to convince himself.

A uniform understanding washed over them. Y/N knew exactly what Renjun was talking about, even if his voice was frail enough to be carried away by the gentle breeze that brushed against them.

Y/N looked over to see Renjun with his shoulders firm, breaths short and quivering. He wasn’t surprised that Renjun was just as shaken as Y/N by what Jeno said, if not more. Jeno said to them, straight to their faces and staring right into their weary eyes, that Y/N and Renjun’s friendship was nothing but a farce. A claim of loyalty built on a house of cards that’s already fallen over. Renjun is nothing but a placeholder for Y/N’s expectations.

“Exactly, because he’s an asshole whose only goal has been to make us feel like garbage…” Y/N would be flat-out lying if he said Jeno’s remark didn’t hurt him. “Him getting under our skin? That’s what he wants, Renjun, and I’m not gonna let him do that…”

With Jisung standing right behind Jeno, shielding himself from the blow, it’s like Jeno was waiting for this opportunity, to tear down whatever Y/N and Renjun have built, brick by brick. He knew exactly what to say to completely dismantle them, cast their doubts right over their heads like shadows and do it all with his signature sneer.

It made Y/N think. It made him think too hard. About everything he’s been doing, whether he knows what he’s been doing or not. All of the subconscious expectations he’s been placing on Renjun’s shoulders, the weight he’s let Renjun carry himself and himself alone while Y/N receives what Renjun strains himself to give.

What if Renjun’s already crumbled, His desperate attempts to fit into the Jisung-sized hole in Y/N’s heart resulting in nothing but more of Renjun’s flames flickering out? Y/N never meant for that, he never wanted that. He wants Renjun, he wants only Renjun.

A small shrivelled voice, deep in the pits of Renjun’s stomach where all his misgivings lay, suggested that there was some truth in Jeno’s words. But it faded away and fizzled out before Renjin could recognize it’s echo.

“He’s such a dick…” Renjun mumbled. He didn’t want to talk about it more than they already were. Lending power to Jeno’s already strong words would just send him and Y/N tumbling like stone. “I’m not going to let him tear us apart either. I’ve got you too.”

“I know…”

Jeno always had such a habit of plunging so deeply into the doubts Renjun thought he buried so long ago. Uprooting them and leaving him in tangles of ceaseless self-contemplation. All the things he’s been trying to do for Y/N, all the things he’s given to Y/N, sometimes out of a sheer desperation for Y/N to see him like the best friend they’ve both wanted - for Y/N to reclaim and for Renjun to finally obtain - has it really all been in vain?

Renjun shook the thought off his back. Y/N appreciates him, he likes Renjun for Renjun. He’s been trying to be the Jisung that Y/N’s silently laments about losing for the year and a half they’ve been friends. How Jisung makes Y/N feel, Renjun never wants him to continue like that. Lulled into a half-woken state of self-loathing and sadness and anger and regret. It just made Renjun want to try harder, to prove himself. He’s Y/N’s best friend, and he doesn’t want to lose Y/N, not like Y/N lost Jisung. He wants to be there for Y/N, he wants to be the best friend that Y/N deserves. But what does that give him?

It gives him a weathered heart, worn and tired under the pressure of not knowing what he wants, not knowing what Y/N wants. It gives him a constant worry, hopes running from his hands, slipping through his fingers as all he wants is for them to build a world of their own, not to be held down by the gravity of everyone else’s.

Those afternoons sitting with Y/N at their favourite picnic table, where they plucked the flowers from where they bloomed under the shadows of the seats and tucked them behind each other’s ears as they attempted to study together. The more Renjun thought about it, the more he could feel their lilac petals wilt and fade; drain themselves of colour. He could feel everything fading, cutting itself down, hours of nonsensical conversation on park benches at dusk shifting to fleeting moments in an instant as they turned the corner and stood at the bottom of Renjun’s driveway.

With a subtle nod from Renjun, who tried his best to hide his thoughts behind pressed lips and an averted gaze, they made their way up the walkway. The marigolds lining his front lawn seemed like amber stars in a jade green night as the copper sunlight filtered in as shards through the trees.

Renjun chuckled quietly at Y/N’s awe when he paused and crouched down to get a better look at the deepening of the colours at the ends of the petals. Whenever their conversations grew stiff, Renjun would always talk about how, one day, he’d bring Y/N to see the marigolds that bloomed by his house during a super short time in the season. They always missed the flowers’ full bloom by a hair whenever Y/N offered to walk Renjun home, and Renjun just had to spend that springtime listening to the chatter between the wind and the grass all on his own.

Now Renjun gets to see it, just before he unlocks his front door, a chipped, off-white wooden gateway, a blank page against the desk where they can finally start writing their own story. Renjun’s only been over to Y/N’s house once to finish a science project before Renjun switched out of that class to move up a level. Renjun remembered the ocean of blue so well, how Y/N’s bedsheets rippled around him as they both jumped on his bed and did anything but work until the last few hours of the day.

The burn of the emerging starlight that ran down his back, Renjun could never forget the way that felt. Y/N caressing his spine teasingly when they complained about having back pain after hunching over their textbooks for ‘too long’. It’s like Y/N held its shine in his very hands.

Renjun wondered to himself when his mom picked him up that night, just before they could call ‘operation sleepover’ an unqualified success, if anybody else has gotten the opportunity to feel like that, to feel what he felt whenever Y/N set his pulse alight with the little touches they shared.

“They’re pretty, aren’t they?” Renjun brought Y/N out of his trance as he shot up from the flowers and shuffled over to where Renjun was. With a playful nudge to Y/N’s stomach, Renjun let a chuckle carry itself away in the breeze and eased himself through the front door. “I’m really glad you got to see them…”

With the contemplative hum that left Y/N’s lips in response and circled around them, it wasn’t too long until Renjun realized that it wasn’t just about the flowers.

“I love how one of our aspirations this year was literally to look at flowers…” Y/N let his voice weave into the silence of Renjun’s empty house as he was let in. He kicked off his shoes and waited in the front foyer for Renjun to do the same. His slightly bitter laughter at the mundanity of everything he’s done with Renjun so far mixed with a shyly surfacing giggle from Renjun. Renjun’s flickers of laughter made Y/N’s smile feel a little bit more real as he followed Renjun through his front hallway. Y/N wondered, though, how much time they would have wasted away building memories if he just wasn’t so ignorant and complacent in Renjun’s struggle - one he’s noticed far too late. Instead, they’ve actually wasted time, pages and pages of half-finished and barely started stories dyed with the pale golds of an emerging evening that was just waiting for them. “We’ve stooped so low.” Y/N pushed out a chuckle, trying his best to find a gap in his thoughts as he just absently watched Renjun shuffle around in his kitchen, most likely to get some stuff for their painting session.

“The lowest, we’re threats to society.” Renjun poked his head out into the doorway where Y/N could see him better, his head of silver curls bouncing with every one of his animated movements and shedding the shimmers that they held as the sunlight streaming in through the windows cascaded down his back. Y/N shared a brief chuckle with the back of Renjun’s head before something caught the corner of Y/N’s eye. A glint - nearly as bright as the shine in Renjun’s smile on the days they accidentally wore the same colours to school - coming from Renjun’s living room.

Y/N stepped back to get a better look, a fond smile overtaking him as he peered in and saw a picture he never knew existed perched by a bay window. He wanted to see the irony in all of that - Y/N and Jisung shared so many memories in Y/N’s very own bay window. He wanted to let an eerie sigh trickle from off his tongue and reminisce, but he’d rather keep the sweet shine of his smile between his teeth instead and focus on what he has.

It was a snapshot of one of few days Y/N made sure to never forget, one that stayed in his head forever. It was their very first ‘museum date’, Y/N and Renjun grinning in front of a grand, ivory building with the reckless abandon of the early afternoon sunlight caught in their hair. One of the only fun field trips of the school year was being set free past the rolling hills of this boring, old town, the only rule put on them being to meet back at the museum by dark.

Y/N’s smile took flight in soft laughter as he remembered how Renjun hounded a passerby to take a photo of them, and how the only annoyed look they could muster at his cute, pleading smile was covered up by some sort of vicarious pride as Renjun bounced up to Y/N and brought him in with an arm around his shoulder.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way…” Y/N mumbled, half-distracted.

Y/N looked back on that day, where they looked at the past, but not the past Y/N was used to reliving.

He wondered if Renjun struggled to keep his eyes off the sights like Y/N did.

Y/N couldn’t keep his eyes off Renjun that day either.

The way his wool beret flopped to one side despite him stopping every five seconds and adjusting it with a whine, how Y/N always managed to pick him out of the crowd with his brightly patterned sweater whenever Renjun got sidetracked by a piece he scoured the entire building for. The bliss Y/N felt burned to the touch in the most satisfying way.

Even when Renjun left Y/N a little frustrated after leaving him at every turn to inspect his favourite artwork, he made up for it with a bunch of hugs on the bus ride home and a study session at the cafe - all coffee on him. Y/N made sure to get a lot of coffee.

Renjun saw Y/N through the kitchen archway, craning his neck into his living room. He stopped what he was doing - filling up a few red solo cups with some water - and shuffled over to see what Y/N was smiling so brightly at.

Stepping closer, he saw Y/N’s grin fixed on a picture that Renjun just recently put up in his living room, and then shone a smile of his own. His chest swelled with pride and burst into sparks of happiness. He was glad Y/N was as sentimental about that day as he was.

“Me neither, now let’s head upstairs and cross looking at your cute flowers off our bucket list.”

Y/N flinched to the sound of Renjun’s voice and wondered if Renjun caught him staring. Posturing his hands on his hips, a sarcastic tone assumed his coy expression. “I wonder what could possibly be next for us?”

“Maybe we can finally get a life, touch some grass? Stay up past eleven? Really live wild and free.” With a shrug and a cheeky smirk, Renjun placed a hand on Y/N’s shoulder. Before he could get too lost in the shattered sunlight caught in Y/N’s eyes, though, he remembered that he still had things to get. “Just make yourself comfortable in my room while I fetch the painting stuff.” Renjun said with a nod toward the stairs.

“Yes, sir.”

Y/N left the main level and bound up the stairs.

The creaks in Renjun’s floorboards that could be heard in the ceiling just above him, that’s a symphony he’s already memorized, but he wondered if it would sound any different with Y/N humming along with him one day. Maybe that day could be today.

Taking in the silence around him, Renjun paused over the sink, every trickle of the lukewarm water running down his hands and limp fingers digging into his skin as a realization washed over him in a gentle sheen of the copper sunlight.

The tension that he was always so scared of, it wasn’t leaking between the gaps in their conversation. There weren’t any gaps in their conversation. It was just normal, for the first time in a long time, he could just look into Y/N’s eyes, share a smile with him and even a little bit of laughter. That was a feeling, a moment, that Renjun could get used to, as the last thing on his mind was the simmer of all his self-consciousness that’d lurk under all of his thoughts.

He turned the tap back on, the sigh of the water as it hit his skin and the cups he was filling drowning out his hopeful thinking. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted what they just had. It’ll only make his goal farther from his reach.

Maybe telling Y/N about how he felt all the time, about what he was thinking could give them more moments like that. He just needs to bear his secrets under the sunlight, sing them into the sky and watch them get carried away by the breeze that eased past the tree-line. It was what Y/N deserved, Renjun’s honesty, and he was keeping it from him with such an earnestness that made him question if he even deserves to see Y/N’s smile like that.

Y/N can’t control the way Renjun thinks, why he thinks the way he does. Maybe that’s what Renjun needs Y/N to understand on the days where he thinks that Y/N won’t get it. That’s because he doesn’t.

All that stressing and Renjun’s actually never told him why he’s always acting so tense. Why Renjun feels like he needs to make up for everything and why he always feels like Y/N’s about to slip from his grasp.

Y/N just hasn’t been given the opportunity to listen…

Renjun took a deep, sharp sigh and shook his head, scratching away his thoughts as he collected all of their things and made his way upstairs.

A calm, tentative quiet wove itself between the two boys as the sky wore itself down and the silver brandish of a moonlight horizon darkened the sky. The starlight that leaked through the window ignited this soft, jovial glow under their skin, the glimmer of which caught Renjun’s stray stares every now and then when he looked up from his work over to Y/N. He had this small smile etched subtly on his features, and everything felt silent, comfortable with the whispers of their brushes smoothing against the canvases.

They were both curled on the floor Renjun pressed up against the footboard of his bed, and Y/N spread out in the center of Renjun’s room, shifting every now and then on his hardwood floors to get better angles to approach his work. Renjun didn’t bother to notice how much time passed by in the nonchalant stillness between their breaths, at least until he thought too hard. The air around Renjun soon grew thick, suffocating, as if it was trying to beat and squeeze something out of his chest. Something Renjun didn’t even know if he could put into words yet.

The thoughts have been circling his head relentlessly since they started painting, and they decided that their moment of peace lasted long enough. Renjun opened his mouth once to speak, but nothing came out but a silent sputter.

With a deep breath into the blues and purples artfully smeared against his canvas, nearly stripping the colours from it, Renjun tried one more time with a tug on the sweatshirt he changed into. He didn’t know if he was ready, but he needed to be so he could finally put all these doubts, all these stirring inhibitions he kept so close to his chest, to finally be put to rest.

“Hey, can we talk…?”

Renjun’s voice cut through the surface of the silence and snapped it in two. Y/N turned his head with a hum of acknowledgement, lifting his gaze to follow Renjun’s voice and following his timid hand gesture to scoot closer to him.

“Yeah of course.” Putting down his brush and hiding a groan as he felt tiny streaks of red and yellow paint somewhere on his cheek, Y/N met Renjun halfway and sat crossed-legged - copying Renjun - in the near-center of the room. Their knees were touching, and as they just looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, everything felt as if it were revolving around them, bending to their gravity. “What’s up?”

This was what it was supposed to feel like… Renjun felt a simmer under his skin that was palpable, practically pooling in his hands as a surge of confidence burst through him. It was brief, but Renjun’s never felt anything like that before. It made him feel alright. Renjun knew that Y/N would listen to him, Y/N was always a good listener, but something that used to linger as a weight in his heart wasn’t there anymore, and now he wasn’t holding himself back anymore.

“Jun…” Y/N sensed Renjun’s hesitance beneath everything else. Those habits that he’s always failed to pick up, they’re now running through his memory, a memory he never knew he had until he looked hard enough. He took Renjun’s hands, letting their entwining fingers rest between them, and shone a small smile of reassurance as he could almost feel Renjun release the breath he knew he was holding.

Still thinking, and taking his time in the light of Y/N’s patient gaze, Renjun played idly with Y/N’s fingers, the colours in their touch mixing.

If there’s anything about their friendship that they’re both certain about, it’s that they’ll always have time to find a diplomatic solution. They’ll talk it out for as long as they need to, at least for as long as Y/N and Renjun were willing to stand on a street corner by Renjun’s house until their legs grow tired or until the sunset’s colours dye their favourite park bench. Maybe, if Renjun says what he wants to say, what he needs to say, they could make more memories that won’t lose themselves in the moonlight.

“I just… I feel like I need to get something off my chest, but I don’t know how to say it right…” Renjun started, swallowing dryly. Looking into Y/N’s eyes, how attentive his delicate grip on Renjun’s fingers was, the devils on his shoulder chanted to him how patronizing it was. He shut them up with a sigh, though. He needed this, both of them deserved this.

“Then say it wrong.” Y/N could see all the thoughts that were endlessly tumbling through Renjun’s head, he just wanted Renjun to say what he was thinking, tell him how he felt. He doesn’t need to manufacture things with Y/N, he never did. “If I’m being honest, you look like you’re thinking too hard all the time… Like not acting ‘off’, but…” Trailing off with a sigh, searching for his words. The mixture of confusion, realization and surprise in Renjun’s expression lended Y/N the thoughts he needed to continue. “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me until you have the perfect idea of what to say…”

Renjun relented with a sigh. He doesn’t know how Y/N manages to see right through him at times. “I know, I know…” His gaze slowly rose again to see Y/N’s eyes still on him, it was comforting, but only slightly.

“Okay, good. ‘Cause what kind of friend would I be if I placed that kind of expectation onto you…?” Y/N caught himself in his words, holding his breath in a vice as he looked up to Renjun, who remained unmoved. At least on the surface.

“I…” Renjun felt so fragile, as if a gust of wind from his open window and a single dance of the thin, white drapes in his room would knock him off his balance and render him nothing but ashes to seep into the notches of his floor. That feeling fleeted quicker than he thought, though, as he looked down to see his blues and purples grow more red and yellow, Y/N’s fingers smoothing against his.

Renjun took a breath, he could feel something like a sob clawing up his throat, but pushed it back. He prepared himself for everything he was about to say, wrong or right, his words together or fallen apart. He was preparing himself.

“I’m just so tired all the time…”

Y/N could feel this sadness bloom in him, tightening in his chest as he heard the falters in Renjun’s voice. He thought about it, but to hear it, to hear all the life and colour and brightness sapped from Renjun’s precious heart as he forced those words out with the slivers of his breath. He could feel something break off and twist in his heart.

As soon as the words were out of Renjun’s mind and past his tongue, he could barely believe them himself, as if the sounds didn’t make sense, but it was true. He was so tired. Tired of being worried, worried because he was tired.

Renjun wedged his teeth into his lip, he could feel his breath crumbling, tears briefly catching his vision in a blur. Even the hands on his, slowly smoothing against his knuckles with a calming rhythm. It was helping, but it also wasn’t.

“I’ve just been under this constant stress whenever I’m around you, that I need to uphold the memories of Jisung that I know you still think about.” Jisung’s name felt coarse on Renjun’s lips, bitter as he bit it back. He was the last person Renjun wanted in his head, Jisung and everything he’s put them through are the reasons why he feels like he has to live up to so much why he needs to replace all the bad things with his good things. “Losing him and everything that your friendship meant, I know that’s a pain that won’t go away overnight.” Seeing how deflated the very thought of Jisung made Y/N feel, and how that misery and that emptiness left Y/N’s heart in pieces for him and Renjun to gather up on their way to their first period. All it did was make Renjun feel like he was never enough to make Y/N feel anything else, or any better. “I tried to reclaim that time he threw away, I wanted to be close to you like he was. I just…” The harder Renjun tried to steady his voice, the more difficult it got. It felt like it was slipping right out from under him. “I thought that’s what you wanted, so I wanted to give that to you, and I was so worried that if I was anything but, then you would leave me…”

“Renjun…” Y/N didn’t know what to say. He knew he'd been acting complacent in Renjun’s struggle, but he never knew how heavy the burden truly was. Even when he felt Renjun hold onto Y/N’s hands tighter, it still felt like they were slipping.

Renjun’s voice barely breached a whisper, a shadow of his sobs that tore through the silence that followed them.

“I’m just really, really, really tired… I want to be myself, but I don’t know if that’s what you want. I didn’t know if you were okay with me stepping outside his shadow or if that’s what my purpose was…?” Renjun could feel a flush scorch his cheeks as he watched Y/N’s firm expression falter, his eyes wavering with this glimmer of sadness and regret. He wanted to raise his hands up and wipe the tears that he felt threatening to trip over his lashes, and the ones he could see piling in shimmers in the corners of Y/N’s eyes too. But he didn’t want the colours in their still entwined hands to dye their tears. “I’ve never had a friend as close as you before, and I wanted to keep what we’re having, what we’ve had… I’ve just been alone for so long, so when someone as loving and thoughtful as you came along and wanted to be with me…” He just let them fall, let them carve rivers into his cheeks and drip down his chin. Y/N was just about to scramble to wipe them with his sleeve, but Renjun just took Y/N’s hands back on his own and squeezed them. He hated the way they burned, but he needed this, he needed to say this and to feel this. He smiled through his sadness as he looked back at Y/N. “I just clung, I held on so tightly that I didn’t let you breathe - until I couldn’t breathe either…”

A dreadful, bitter silence overtook them. How could Y/N have let this go on for so long? How could he have let Renjun treat himself like this, how could he treat Renjun like this and let him feel this way?

“Junnie… I should’ve noticed everything sooner…” Y/N finally decided to break the silence, his own voice weak under the pressure of Renjun’s quiet, suppressed sobbing.

“No. Y/N…” Renjun tried his best to blink away his tears, but Y/N’s quivering lip was nothing but a shifting blur. His hands shot up to hold Y/N’s face, but he flinched back with a shrivelled sigh, the paint still stained his hands. “I didn’t tell you, I didn’t expect you to know.”

“I don’t need you to tell me for stuff like this… I just needed to be a better friend.” Y/N buried his head in his sleeve-covered hands, a heavy sob oozing between his blush-stained fingers. He could feel Renjun’s pain tangling them up, making the emerging moonlight that streamed through the window feel like shards of glass against his skin. “I just needed to notice, and I noticed everything too late…”

“Y/N, don’t say that.”

Y/N shook his head, not letting Renjun’s words of humility and forgiveness sink in right now. His regret bubbling at the back of his throat, Y/N struggled to choke out anything, until a hand reached out to him and brought one of his back between him and Renjun. “I should’ve given you the reassurance you needed, told you that everything was alright so you didn’t have to worry… I'm so sorry…”

Renjun knew that Y/N wasn’t the one who made him feel this way, it was just the fact that they never talked about it. They were both lonely in their own ways, and they attached themselves to each other for support - any small semblance of light they could find to guide them through what felt like an endless night.

Despite everything Renjun felt, everything he was trying to do for Y/N that left him spent before he could afford anything. Y/N was still a good friend to him, he just never knew what he needed to say until it was too late.

“I just needed to know that everything was okay. That I was doing a good job…” That’s all Renjun needed, to just be taken into Y/N’s embrace that he’ll never grow tired of and to be told that everything was okay. That he’s doing good, that nothing's wrong and that he wants Renjun there. Renjun just never knew how to ask for that. He didn’t know if he deserved that because part of him thought he wasn’t okay, he wasn’t doing a good job.

Y/N leaned in and took both of Renjun’s hands. “You are… You really are. I promise I’ll never let you feel like anything less…” Renjun was everything to him. The fact that he’s been letting Renjun slowly slip from his grasp until now and not even knowing? He didn’t know what kind of friend that makes him.

He wants to be a better one, he knows that.

“Y/N…” Renjun could feel his voice beginning to piece together, bit by bit. “You mean it…?”

“Yes. I don’t want anyone else. I want you, Renjun. I only want you.” Y/N shone a grin through his tears, its shine making Renjun bare his teeth in a wide smile of his own. Without Renjun, Y/N doesn’t know what he’d do. “You’re always there, making me feel loved when I thought love lost all its meaning. I just… If it’s not too late, I wanna show how much I truly appreciate you.”

The moment Y/N let his held breath out from between his teeth, everything seemed to freeze. Y/N and Renjun caught in each other’s pensive stares, drying tears framing their smiles. All the both of them could do was just sit there, hand in hand - thinking, wondering, relieved, glad, maybe even still a little stressed. Y/N didn’t know how much he’d have to do to reclaim Renjun’s time just like Renjun tried to do for him, but he’s ready. He’s ready to do everything he can to make sure that Renjun never has to worry, that he never has to feel like a traitor to himself with every word he speaks or as if he doesn’t belong whenever they find home in each other’s eyes.

It took a moment for Y/N to catch notice of the blur of a movement that flashed in front of him. Not until he felt something heavy begin to drip from his cheek and saw the paintbrush between Renjun’s fingers, dripping with blue and purple paint, did he finally find the strength to push his voice out. Renjun beat him to it, though, his eyes claiming a coy, devilish sparkle and his words stinging with this sarcastic lilt.

“You got a little something…” Renjun leans over to feign wiping it away, planning for another strike of paint to blemish Y/N’s skin, but Y/N flicked up a brush of his own, a few flecks of paint smattering against Renjun’s cheek. “YOU DID NOT JUST-”

“Oh.” Y/N backed away slowly, preparing himself for another one of Renjun’s attacks as his assailant prepped another strike of violet in his brush. A playful giggle made its way from Y/N’s growing smile. “I surely did.”

Everything now hung still in a different way, the starlight suspended in the air and the lilacs that bloomed in the creases of the night sky billowing in through the open window. Nothing made a sound but the shifting of the dancing drapes, and nothing stirred. Not even a waver between their stare could be seen.

“Vengeance will be mine!” Renjun yelped as he leapt toward Y/N, brush in hand and with a sinister smile in full bloom on his lips. Y/N tried to take another step back, but he fell victim to Renjun’s gentle shoves and teasing nudges against his sides. He felt thick swathes of paint streak his neck, his cheek, his jaw - all sticking to him like honey - but he couldn’t help but let his giggles fly free and circle around them. He never knew Renjun could put up this good of a fight, but he wasn’t just going to let him win.

Y/N pushed a little too hard, though, and before he knew it, he had Renjun under his hands, pushed down by the shoulders to the floor that rang with its own mocking laughter as Y/N’s gaze hung triumphantly over him. Heavy breaths ran dry on their tongues, and their marbled scars, reds, yellows, blues, purples and all the colours in between glimmering under the shine of the silver light coming in through the window.

“Fine~ you win…” Renjun whined, and a silence soon overtook the room, their heavy breaths filling the space between them. Y/N had Renjun’s waist between his legs. But as their respective grins and pouts faded into something they couldn’t quite determine, Y/N couldn’t lift his hands from Renjun’s shoulders.

They moved up instead, settling in the curves of Renjun’s neck like pieces falling into place, wet paint on his hands following the curves and edges of Renjun’s neck and jaw.

Renjun tried to laugh it off, laugh this off. The stillness between them that dangled right in their faces. But he couldn’t.

He was still breathless, the air ripped from his chest as he stared at the light Y/N held in his eyes. He looked so happy, so elated yet at peace. It was like he could finally recognize him. If this was how beautiful Y/N looked when he was finally free, then Renjun wants to have him like this forever. No thoughts weighing down the flush in his cheeks or dimming the shimmers in his smile, no worries breaking the symphony of his laughter.

Nothing in their way…

Everything, the colour in the room and between their hands, the thoughts in their heads, and the air in their chests. It was all gone the moment they entwined their lips. Right now, there was only them.

They could feel the weight of all their doubts and inhibitions melt from their bodies as they let themselves sink deeper into each other’s gravity. Renjun reached up to Y/N’s shoulders, colour-stained fingertips painting tapestries against his skin and smudging the hair he tangled between his fingers. He brought him closer, even closer, until he could feel the beat of Y/N’s heart burn through his chest and reduce all his feelings to the shimmers draped in starlight between them.

There was no safer place to be, Renjun’s touch sailing on the streaks of colour against Y/N’s waist, Y/N treasuring the skin under his hands, worshipping at the altar between Renjun’s teeth. Their safe haven, everything they want and need, is right here.

Y/N’s thoughts were nothing but a blank canvas until the colours that lined Renjun’s hands stained him with their memories. And as he could feel the rippling sparks that sang between their lips, he couldn’t help but smile into Renjun’s kiss. He could feel a pale blue flush wash over his ashen skies, the longer the velvety rhythm between their lips echoed in the back of his throat. He thought he’d have to get used to the shadows that blocked his sunshine until Renjun split his rolling clouds with the daybreak between their lips.

Everything rushed back in a flood of feelings as they pulled back to take a breath. The silence between them, the air still left ripped from their chest and the pair of intertwined hands that laid on the floor next to them. It spoke their truth for them, and said everything they couldn’t.

“Y/N, I…” Renjun tried to speak, only empty husks of half-said words tripping over his tongue as Y/N leaned forward to nudge Renjun’s forehead with his.

Y/N slid a hand under Renjun’s sweatshirt and worked his touch up to Renjun’s chest. His heart felt like it was skipping beats, leaping and bounding over the song of their hoarse, still breathless laughter.

“It’s okay, catch your breath…” Y/N whispered with a giggle, kneading his hand into Renjun’s skin. He shone a smile when Renjun’s hands settled on his waist. He’s never felt more at home, caught in the light Renjun held in his touch, dyed with the colours that still stained his fingertips as he sketched slow, gentle circles into Y/N’s sides. “I like seeing that I can make you speechless anyways.”

Renjun’s caresses came to a stop and a pointed, awestricken shine took over the glimmer in Renjun’s eyes.

“You’re so-” Renjun couldn’t bring a growl of frustration, even a fake one, from his throat as one shift in Y/N’s touch against his skin sent him spiralling. Y/N always meant a lot to him, but these touches… Now, they mean so much more. Giving in to his thoughts and the fire that still burned in his heart, Renjun let them slip out with a deep breath. “You’re so beautiful…”

“Junnie…”

The weight of Y/N on Renjun’s hips, it didn’t feel like anything else he’s borne before. It wasn’t like the burdens he’s carried and could never shed. It was never like the shadow of his worries that would always cast out his shine.

He just felt grounded, a shooting star brought back down to earth by the gravity of the guy he’s been revolving around for so long. Stardust on his skin, laid in shimmers everywhere Y/N touches. That’s how Y/N makes him feel.

“Should we go to bed like this…?” Renjun gestured to the paint-sullied skin of his stomach and chest and then traced his hand against the streaks of colour that flourished along Y/N’s body. Y/N hummed and leaned into Renjun’s touch with an airy chuckle, Renjun stringing a laugh of his own along with it.

Y/N tugged at his sweatshirt collar. He doesn’t necessarily think that sleeping with drying paint on his body is the cleanest or most comfortable thing ever. “All messed up and covered in paint? Aren’t we gonna you know, stain like, everything…?”

“I didn’t see you caring this much when you spilled an entire pizza on my bed.” Renjun lifted a skeptical eyebrow and watched as Y/N practically crumbled under his gaze. Seeing Y/N in shambles as he stumbled over his words, Renjun could get used to seeing that.

“I thought we weren’t talking about that anymore!”

Renjun could remember everything clear in his head as if it were yesterday. It was noon on a weekend, the glow of the evening sun a vivid ivory against his light grey walls. They thought it was a good idea to put their school bags on the ground right next to where Renjun knew they would be stepping. Everything was a red-orange blur the moment Y/N skipped through Renjun’s bedroom door with a pizza box in hand. But what wasn’t a blur was their feeble attempt to clean it afterward.

Ever since, Y/N could never go near the pizza place just west of the school. He could feel its bad omen and the ear-piercing shriek Renjun let out that day every single time they got close on their walks to the plaza across the street. Renjun said he’d live it down, eventually… But Y/N was a fool if he ever believed that.

“Well guess what, we are! How do you even spill a pizza? It’s like sixty-percent solid!” Renjun threw his hands up in the air, still confused about what actually happened. Maybe it was a ploy to get Renjun new bedsheets…

He brought his dramatically waving arms back down to wrap around Y/N’s shoulders as he postured up from Renjun’s waist and laid down, leaning into Renjun’s chest and soaking in the warmth of his embrace.

Y/N propped himself on his hands to let his face hover just enough over Renjun’s that they could taste the afterglow of their kiss between their teeth. The glint in his eyes is mischievous and coy. “How do I spill it? ‘Cause it’s forty-percent fluid, bitch!”

“You-” With a rough groan, Renjun took Y/N by the back of the neck and flipped them over, taking pride in the yelp he heard come out from under him. He caught their hands in a knot and tied them above Y/N’s head, pinning him to the colour-stained hardwood floors. Watching a sly smile grow and bloom on Y/N’s face as he nudged Renjun’s nose with his own, and feeling the giggle Y/N buried in his neck… Everything just felt perfect. “You dummy, I love you.”

“I love you too…” Y/N’s words hung by a thread of the starlight draped between them.

Renjun didn’t notice what he actually said until Y/N said it back, with that light in his eyes and that shimmer in his smile that Renjun could never take his eyes off of, that he could drown in for hours, days on end until the sky lost its colour and the leaves changed theirs. The warm embrace of belonging, this was a new feeling, but a great one, one that he knows will never go anywhere as long as Y/N’s here, stuck in his orbit just as much as he’s stuck in his.

Everything just felt easier now, it felt right. And as a twilight haze swept over the room, claiming whatever slivers of silver moonlight were left with them on the floor, Renjun thought about him and Y/N. How they can create new stories, carve their names into skies that were always supposed to be theirs and theirs alone, just like the stars did every night. Time is theirs to reclaim now, every second with Y/N is precious, painted golden by their touch.

They weren’t going to waste a single moment.

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neo-culture-mafia · 4 years

Text

焦虑

钟辰乐 Zhong Chenle

Jaemin has removed himself from our everyday lives since we found out the news. The news that broke and separated us more than we already were. Our family has split again. This time-- we all repelled each other. Dinners were now silent when no one dared to speak into the heavy silence. Taeyong talks with no reply as if the news never affected him.

I sometimes walk past the older Junior Force's rooms to hear faint sniffles and some masked sobs. I don't blame them-- I don't even blame myself when I break down in the middle of the day.

"I'm gonna do it." Jaemin smiled as he came into the lounge. "I'm going to grow a pair and ask them to come back home." his smile lit up the room as his eyes sparkled in the early morning light.

"Can I come?" Jisung asked while his hands grasped together in front of his chest. "Not this time, Jwi. I'm going to come back with them-- then you can hug them and annoy them for the rest of eternity." Jaemin grabbed his keys and bag without another word.

Renjun sat on the middle couch cushion in a heap of blankets with a cup of tea; Jeno laid spread out next to Renjun on the pristine white sofa without a care in the world; Jisung sat next to the couch on the armchair where his legs were thrown over the armrest-- his long legs guarding a bag of candy and I laid across the loveseat. The older elites were either training or sleeping the hours away. It was a crisp morning that held so many promises and wishes.

"I'll be back," Jaemin called as we were left with his absence. "Do you think they'll come back?" Renjun called into the air as he took a sip from his cooling tea. "It's going to take a lot of convincing." Jeno sighed as his eyes shut and he stole a blanket from Renjun's stack.

"Lele." Renjun called my name lightly, "Did you talk to Kun lately?" He asked me as I tried to rake my brain for the last memory I had of a conversation with the older member. "No. I talked to him about 2 weeks ago. Something about a big mission," I trailed off and Renjun nodded, "he wanted to know when Mark and y/n would be back though so he could come back and prepare dinner." I hummed and Renjun's eyes shut softly.

"I just want them home," I whispered to myself as a shiver of loneliness ran down my spine. "We all do. Just trust Jaemin." Jisung called across the room. We all looked towards him as he tapped furiously on his screen. "You heard me?" I asked and he nodded. "You mutter rather loudly." His eyes squinted into a smile as he waved off our stares and returned to his game.

Jeno and Renjun began a conversation as I took this time to exit. I grabbed the back of the loveseat and hoisted myself over the back and onto the ground. "Where did lele go?" Renjun's voice broke the conversation as I held my breath. "Probably slithered out not too long ago." Jeno yawned. I used the blind spots and crawled out of the living room and into the kitchen where Johnny stood, eating a bowl of fruit.

"Is it yummy?" I asked as I grabbed the water container. "Delicious," Johnny interjected and sat down on a barstool. I poured myself a glass of water and began sipping leisurely. "So how's it going, little man?" Johnny questioned as his eyes trained on my figure. "Pretty good, big man." I laughed and his smile broke the tension.

"Do you think they'll come home today?" I asked and I could see him hesitate. "I hope they do." He chuckled and pushed some fruit around with his fork.

"Their rooms are still here. They have all of their stuff here...we just need them." He confirmed the current situation bluntly. Yet, the bluntness was calming coming from Johnny.

"We should clean their rooms for them. It must be dusty up there. We could make it more warm and habitable." I shrugged and finished the rest of the water in my glass.

Johnny smiled. "You, Chenle? Wanting to clean?" I watched as his shoulders shook a little with humor as he couldn't believe what he was hearing. My mouth gaped a little. "I will have you know that I can be clean when I want to be. And when I want to be-- I polish up pretty nice." I straightened my back and pointed my nose to the sky. His smile was infectious as I could feel the familial love in the air.

"I think that is an amazing idea, lele. We have the day to rearrange and clean and maybe even decorate if you wanted," Johnny said and I could feel my heart swell, "I can run to the store to get some new blankets and pillows for them while you stick back and start to move things around." This was happening. They were coming home.

"Can the others help?" I asked and he waved off to the living room where the other Junior Forces laid in male laziness. I had a running start as I dived onto the pile of blankets that shielded my older friend from the light of morning. I landed on Jeno as he groaned and tried to move me over so I was squished between his body and the back of the couch.

"Johnny-hyung and I are going to be cleaning and rearranging y/n and Mark's rooms. Do you guys want to help?" I looked at the 3 boys. Stares were exchanged amongst them. "I call y/n's room!" They shouted as they tried to fight each other off their asses and out of the living room. "We'll work on y/n's room then go onto Mark's...deal?" I asked and they all stopped mid bicker. "Deal." They all repeated and marched up the stairs and in front of the two untouched rooms that sat at the end of the hall.

We all stood in front of the plain white door with our breaths trapped in our chests. "Who's going to open it?" Jisung whispered and we all looked at each other in our peripherals. "It's locked." Jeno breathed. "I'll get Johnny." I ran to the balcony that overlooked the kitchen. "Hyung. The doors are locked." I explained and he looked around the counter for his keys. They shot up and right into my hand. "The black and white key is y/n's and the dark red one is Mark's." He explained quickly. "Thank you!" I called and ran back down the carpeted hallway. Jaehyun and Jungwoo now stood in the crowd in front of the closed door.

"I got the keys." I called and stepped around some of the bodies that were crowding. They all skeptically looked to the door as I walked to the piece of wood and shakily put the key into the lock. I turned and the door creaked.

I pulled the key out and stood staring at the piece of painted white wood in front of my face. "It's okay. Open it." Jaehyun whispered. My hand came up to the cool metal doorknob and turned it and pushed.

The light streamed through her balcony door and lit up a rainbow on her carpeted floor. Dust floated through the rays of sun and reminded us of the neglect the room had been through.

Jisung stepped up through the crowd and was the first to walk into the room.

He grabbed the stuffed koala at the end of her bed and sat in its place. The stuffed animal was smushed in his embrace as we could see the emotion flash through his eyes. "They're coming home." He whispered to himself.

We all slowly walked in and inspected a random object that caught our attention.

White walls made the room feel open yet bare. "Do you think her record player is somewhere in here?" Jungwoo called and we all were determined to find the familiar yellow suitcase that held one of her most prized possessions.

I was the first person to open the closet and was met with the yellow box on the floor. "In here." I grabbed the record player and set it on her bed. Renjun opened it up and started to set it up. Rap records laid in a box with writing all over it. I pulled the heavy box out and we all started sifting through the box.

The most worn-out record laid on the top, 'Eminem' laying in front of our eyes. "I've been looking for that record for the past 3 years." Johnny sighed as his presence was finally recognized. He snatched the vinyl and placed it onto the spoke. The hand came down and a familiar tune was projected from the speakers.

'Beautiful'. I remembered the numerous times that she would play this song in the car. The groans from the rest of the car always made her eyes sparkle with mischief. I know we all miss this song though.

"Alright let's start." Johnny clapped his hands and we all began to move around the room trying to make the room look liveable. Some of us hummed along and some of us were just so caught up in the task that we blocked each other out.

"Does anyone have anything we could hang up? Like posters or pictures?" Jeno called as he organized her cd's with care. "I do! I have a bunch of family pictures in my room." Jisung called and sprinted out of the room.

We were all prepared for some handfuls of pictures, yet, we were never prepared with 4 photo boxes that were each overflowing. We all sat down and tried to make a collage that would make the room come together.

Pictures of us as kids leading up to when we first left were cascading through the room as we began hanging the photos up. "Do you think she'll like it?" I asked and Jaehyun's hand messed up my hair. "Love it."

"Onto Mark's." Jeno rounded us all up and ushered us to the door right next to y/n's. This door was easier for us to open as we already experienced the rollercoaster of emotions once before.

"Is that my old holster?" Renjun pushed us all aside and ran into the room where indeed, his old holster laid on top of Mark's chest at the end of his bed.

"Are those my old chemistry notebooks?" Jeno gasped as he ran to the bedside table where a stack of notebooks full of Jeno's old equations laid in perfect solitude.

"Yeah. We didn't know who's was who's stuff when we moved their stuff in. We just divided it up and stored," Jaehyun said as he grabbed a chain that laid on the desk. "Sorry about that." His smile washed away any anger the other boys could've been feeling.

"You guys rearrange and I'll go shopping for new sheets and stuff like that." Johnny bid us a farewell and was on his own way.

~~~

"How did you find out?!" Renjun hollered as he finally took a rest on the couch. We had all worked for 5 hours straight on the rooms and they were pristine. We could finally sit down and rest after a hard day of homecoming preparations.

"No. Family dinner can be tomorrow. They need time to rest, Kun-" "Are you stalking us?!" Renjun called and we laughed in amusement. "Fine. Fly up tonight and prepare for tomorrow. They'll be here any minute, I have to go." And with that-- Renjun hung up his cellphone.

He threw his head onto the back of the couch and let out a long sigh.

More members came to sit in the living room, excited to see the two most missed people walk through

acting like. It was a happy-filled space, yet, something just feels off.

Taeil came in and sat down on the recliner across from my place on the loveseat. He looked at me and could sense I felt something wrong. "You feel it too?" He asked and I slowly nodded. His hands ran through his hair as he leaned back on the black leather recliner.

The front door opened and we all jumped to our feet to see a familiar set of dark brown eyes and silver hair. "Yuta?" Doyoung called out in shock. "I've come to bless you all with my presence." He smiled as some of his men followed suit. "And also to introduce to a new team member," Yuta smiled and grabbed a younger boy by the shoulder. "This is my second in command, Osaki Shotaro." Yuta's actions took us for a loop.

"I heard my brother and sister are coming back and wanted to join the rest of the family upon their return." It was as if Yuta read our minds. "And while celebrating their homecoming, I thought we could all welcome a new face around here." We were all open to the idea and Shotaro didn't seem like the problem...something was still off.

There was a bang from the front door as Yuta's guards all drew their guns and held them at their sides.

"I won, you lost, bozo." "Get off of me you numb nut!" Someone struggled. A hand gripped the floor as a more familiar face rounded the corner into the living room. "Hello!" Kun smiled with Sicheng and Xiaojun in tow.

"Gege!" Renjun shouted and bear-hugged them all at once...or...well at least he tried. Lucas, Ten, Yangyang, and Hendery were in a heap on the floor as they wrestled each other senselessly. The Chinese family members said their hello's and Kun went to tame the ones who couldn't control themselves.

"I will put you all on a plane back to China right now if you don't stop." Kun called over the group and they didn't stop. "We are here to see Mark and Y/n, not to fight on the floor." Kun tried yanking some of them off each other.

Our smiles couldn't be tamed as Johnny walked over and literally pulled the boys off of each other. "Oh hey, Johnny." Ten smiled as his feet were lifted off the ground. "Hey, dude." Johnny greeted as he tossed him over onto the carpeted living room floor. "Lucas I am not picking you up." Johnny groaned as he put his leg in between Hendery and Yangyang's bodies. "I will put you both into chokeholds." Johnny threatened and they were still going at it.

"3." Johnny started counting and they were up before he reached 2. "Hello." They bowed and walked into the warm and spacious living room.

"Any word?" Kun asked me after we exchanged greetings. I shook my head with a sigh. "What's wrong?" He asked and I just shook my head again. "Something's wrong," I whispered, "I don't know what, but, something is going on that we don't know about." I started pulling at my fingers.

"Well let's just sit down and wait for a little bit. Hopefully, once they arrive, you'll feel okay." Kun's smile calmed my fears slightly as we both sat next to each other on the love seat.

~~~

We all sat around the living room as we were waiting and ready to go out to dinner once Mark and Y/n got home and washed up.

The familiar rev of Jaemin's motorcycle could be heard in the distance. We all looked to each other in silence as our hearts were about to beat out of our chests. "Just breathe." Kun reminded everyone and it was as if a group of fish had been taken out of water. Gasps were heard around the room as we tried to stabilize our heartbeats.

The engine stopped in front of the door and the front door was opened soon after. Jaemin stormed in with anger written across his features. Blood stained his cheekbones and brow bone as a sad tone took hold of the room...no Mark or y/n followed him.

Jaemin searched the faces of the room. "Where the fuck is he?" His hand that gripped his helmet raised and was held above his head for a moment. "Where?!" Jaemin's voice broke and we all looked around at each other looking for a response. "Taeyong?" Yuta asked and with a flare of Jaemin's nostrils, we knew that Taeyong was the wanted man of the hour.

"He's in his office, Jae." Jeno called softly and Jaemin's hand threw down his helmet where it shattered into what looked like a million pieces. Jisung, who sat closest to the outburst, shielded himself from the flying glass.

We all got up to confront him as we watched him run down the hall towards the head office. We watched as he kicked the door in and ran to Taeyong who was startled from the action.

"What. Did. You. Do." Jaemin grabbed Taeyong by the collar and pulled him close to his own face. "What are you talking ab-" "I will use your head as a hood ornament-" "Excuse me?!" Taeyong shrieked. "Where are they?!" I watched from behind Hendery as we saw Jaemin completely lose it.

Taeyong became limp as his face fell. "You weren't supposed to find out like this." Taeyong sighed as he grabbed Jaemin's face lovingly.

We all looked to Taeyong. "Jaemin. What is going on?" Jaehyun asked as he stepped into the office. "They killed themselves-"

There it was...the bombshell that rocked all of our worlds.

"No. They didn't." Jaemin shook Taeyong again. "That wasn't them. They-" He threw Taeyong back into his office chair, "They wouldn't do something like that." He pointed at Taeyong. "Their tattoos. They were in different spots. The people in that apartment weren't them." Jaemin shook his head, a couple tears cascading down his cheeks. "You did something-" "They're gone, Jaemin. They're never coming back. They killed themselves and you need to deal with the fact you weren't there in time-" We were all overwhelmed with what we were experiencing. This wasn't real.

"I'm gonna-" I looked back to see Jeno start to stumble. His face was stark white and his pupils were the size of tea plates. His hand was fumbling for something to hold onto and hold himself up. "No-" I whispered as I didn't have the strength to outstretch myself and catch him.

Kun turned around at the perfect time to catch him. He plummeted in Kun's arms. "Lucas. Help me get Jeno to the living room." Yet, Lucas was spaced out too. It looked as if he was going to go down at any moment.

"No. Not you too." Kun pleaded quietly. "Lele-" but it was too late...I was on the ground.

~~~

I woke up in a frantic sweat. Masses of bodies held onto each other as the moon shone through the window. "You need to sleep." The dark voice made me jump as I snapped my head to the window where Yuta stood in silence once more.

"But-" "No. You passed out. You need to rest." "Is it true?" "That doesn't matter right now-" "Yes!" I said and some bodies turned in their sleep.

Yuta made sure the others didn't move again as his eyes locked with mine. "They're safe now. They're with Donghyuck." Yuta muttered but I started to feel lightheaded again. "My men and I will be in Japan by morning. Don't invite me to the memorial service as I've already wept my tears for their suffering." Yuta walked to the entrance where Shotaro and the other men stood in silence.

"Take care of yourself, Chenle." Yuta hummed. "My door is always open to you all," he thought for a moment, "Well...most of you." Yuta's eyes locked with someone's at the other end of the entranceway-- Taeyong.

The tension was strong as they stared each other down, "A man who cannot tolerate small misfortunes will never accomplish great things." Yuta spoke clearly. And with that-- Yuta and his men walked out of the front door in a clean formation.

Taeyong looked to me one more time before walking away in what I sensed to be shame.

Now we worked at an off base site where that day replays in my head on an endless loop. It holds me prisoner in those emotions I still feel on a daily basis. We worked on filing for Seven Stars and their local triads. Taeyong had sold the Neo Culture Family name and we were basically slaving away at the expense of our enemy.

"I know they're out there." Jeno barked quietly. "If you bring up those dead bastards one more time-- I swear to God that I'm gonna slap you." Renjun groaned as he typed furiously on the laptop he was provided. "Renjun. Stop." Kun pleaded as he popped his knuckles for what sounded like the millionth time.

"They're your family-" "They're dead, Kun. They’re our dead family." Renjun bashed and we all fell silent. Jisung walked into the room with tears in his eyes as he wiped at his mouth furiously.

We didn't dare ask what he was forced to do after he honestly told us the first time. "You okay?" I called softly and he nodded, choking back what seemed like a sob.

We all bowed our heads and didn't dare to look at one another try to break the tension. The tension hasn't been broken since we left the overrun base 5 months ago.

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