#just kinda ruminating rn

[chimerafflesia]

finished arc v this evening

[dockaspbrak]

In another life itd be cool if i had a night time only roommate who like came out of a wall and was a human version of an owl (not vibes but horrible lab accident) and we chatted and socialized when i have insomnia and cant sleep so its like. A positive opportunity instead of a failure that will be pointed out 150 times tomorrow

[dapper-comedy]

sometimes people be making offerings to do stuff and i am like oh hell yea!!! we are doing that!!! and then people be forgetting they made said offering and i simply must end up being oh ok!!! well!!! alright!!!

[fulloflovebees]

My anxiety is the worst its ever been since i moved out? I have no idea what has happened in the past year (aside from grad school) that has just. Made my shit peak like this

[beautifulbrainrot]

not to be dramatic or anything but I need to make out with James Potter or Remus Lupin's dick.

We know it's agreed that James could die between someone's thighs. He's so shocked to learn you feel the same way towards him. He's unused to anyone else's hands being down there, much less a brutal mouth that's unrelenting on his sensitive tip. He's kinda ashamed of how quickly he came, but it's outweighed by pride at how fast he perked up when you mentioned making him return the favor. Honestly, after that one of his favorite oral positions became 69 because it's the best of both his favorite worlds.

And Remus? He's just as eager to make out with your cunt. He's a simple man. He had tears in his eyes the first time he tasted you after a full moon. His senses were already on hyperdrive and being incredibly horny just made him all tingly. The warmth was so comforting and addicting he was overjoyed. Speaking of senses being on hyperdrive, he likes the feeling of being (LOOSELY, too tight n it'll feel like being tied up by the ministry) tied up with ribbons of sorts because the pure power you hold over him has him leaking against his tummy. Watching you lick up his throbbing cock back down to his mess only to make him taste himself is so disgustingly hot to him. But when you start going to town on him? He's shaking and trying to hold back whines as you suck on him almost painfully and stroke him rapidly. He's babbling confessions of love, pleads, and nonsensical murmurs of your name. I feel like he has a hint of a biting kink. Stopping right before he cums and listening to whine and curse, not at you, just curses. Your canines brush the underside of his cock as a warning, and he lets out a strangled moan as he forces himself not to cum right there. He's so into the feeling of your teeth grazing one of his most delicate parts. He's not into the thought of you actually biting it off, more so the threat to get him back in line.

is it obvious who I've been ruminating over

-💫

it may be a tad obvious but i totally get you

i am so obsessed w them especially remus rn, i need and i mean need him so badddd

i am so low in motivation rn so incant write anything for this currently but i have to share your amaizngg thoughts with the world !!

[rouzuchan]

The Crush Culture

𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈(𝐬): Todoroki Yosuke x Reader(ʏᴏᴜ/ʏᴏᴜʀ) 𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: oneshot, fluff 𝑵𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔: gender unspecified; todoroki being a S.I.M.P.

“Fuuuck.”

The only word running through Todoroki’s mind. They were either prolonged or short under his breath. His breath was labored, spending prior moments working out in his room, the dumbbell still within his hard grasp.

His forehead coated in thin sheets of sweat as beads fell from his damp hair. He snatched the nearby towel, roughly running the cloth on his sensitive skin while attempting to calm his rising pulse. 

“Fuck” He muttered again.

The time read 7:12 PM, already behind his routine. He’d spent the day as normal, but something about recent events had his presence somewhere else. 

Throwing the towel somewhere, he grabbed his phone. Inputting his passcode before clicking straight into his messages. 

The screen’s light illuminated his sharp features, his lips cracking into a smirk as he scrolled up into the message feed dating back from last week.

Damn. You just had to prance around his mind, huh?

Who knew getting dragged into his gang’s matchmaking rendezvous would lead him to now? He still remembered standing broody whilst everyone else chatted and danced around, light strobing and flashing in his eyes making him want to escape. 

In his silent ruminations, he was late to notice another suffering individual at his side, a little too uncomfortable in their skin. You were definitely in the same boat as him. 

And the rest was history. 

Because you lived on the other side of town (and went to an actual school), you both opted to text for weeks, promising to jump at any free time you guys had.

It was better than nothing, he thought.

Amid his floating, fluffy daydreams, a notification slid down from above the screen with a ding. His chest palpated when he read who the delivered message was from.

Hey, I’m heading downtown. Can’t sleep and I wanted to take a break from home :>

He bit inside his lip. Todoroki clicked on the message, sending him down to the very bottom of your chat room. His fingers hovered and deleted message after message, word after word. The chat bubbles danced for a while until he unintentionally pressed send. 

He lurched forward with wide eyes, reading his sent message.

Sure,     I’ll go shower rn

“Fuck!-- Nice going, Yosuke.” He breathed out, pinching the bridge of his nose as he dragged it down.

Another ring came from his phone, feeling his dread quickly pushed away as his throat banged as if he could choke his heart at any moment. 

He peeked over the screen. 

Haha, okay ^^ see u [NAME sent a location]

Seeing your lighthearted message, Todoroki released a breath he didn’t know he held. Crisis averted. Would you even mind? Did you get in the same situation as him some time ago? He kinda hoped so…

Brushing the embarrassment off, he got up and made his way to his shower, hoping to clear his muddled mind. 

After dressing up nicely, Todoroki walked down the cool and uncharacteristically quiet streets downtown. 

It only occurred to Todoroki that this would be your first time hanging out in person since the party. Hard to believe, sure, but with your schedules and his intent on never breathing a word about you to his gang, that insignificant time frame of one month suddenly became precious moments he’d never trade.

Todoroki shook his head, sighing as he curved the corner, hands stuffed in his leather pockets. He shouldn’t jump to conclusions. You were technically still acquaintances… Unless sending memes and funny cat videos were a sign of your affection— it was still too soon to call any shots unless this date– hang-out went well. 

What were you planning? You mentioned something about cafe dates being a go-to, but would cafes even allow caffeine during this time? What do they sell in cafes other than caffeine? Is there anything you’d like? 

“Over here!”

Todoroki raised his head and followed the voice, straight to you. Standing underneath the streetlight, you waved toward him. The fluorescent warmth made your features shine in the treacherous sea of strangers.

You didn’t look tired, or was that just the grin on your face? Todoroki couldn’t tell. He felt like he could drop all his worries now. You were there. Mere feet away.

Fuck… he was in deep. And as his body practically gravitated towards yours, Todoroki knew he wasn’t escaping from your fingers any time soon.

But, he’s honest with himself. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

The midnight grind doesn't stop 🙌 /j but anyways... um, listen I don't know either. Words just... spat out... as always. Ugh, why can't I be this sappy on command!? (〃＞目＜) Being fr right now: That image with Todoroki working out has been eating me up, it's insane <(_ _ )> behold, the crew 😎🥂: @airbendertendou, @star2fishmeg, @straysugzhpe, @simpforchuchu, @strxwberrychocolate, @prodbyblush, @thatpoindexterpixy

[sessakag]

I just wanna say that I absolutely LOVE Butterfly. It’s kinda the only fanfic I care about at the moment lmao I am LOCKED IN. The story itself is great, all of the characters (even the ones everyone hate rn) are interesting, the writing is phenomenal…I could go on and on.

I have a few thoughts I wanted to get out of my head. These aren’t suggestions (cuz it’s your story and I trust where you’re gonna take it), it’s moreso just kinda be me rambling lol:

Sasuke- I know you’ve mentioned he’s going to show up again later, but I’m so anxious to see the role he’s going to play. I don’t really want it to be a romantic thing with Hinata (I am a firm NaruHina lover lol) but I would love to see him be some kind of a protective friend for her? In my head he and Hinata already know each other; like they had some type of group therapy for traumatized teens or after she was removed from her dad’s care she was temporarily in a group home where she met Sasuke and they got to know each other idk. He knows her story and the pain she deals with, and is able to relate in a sense. So he doesn’t want to see her be taken advantage of. Idk, again this is NOT a suggestion lmao just rambling.

Strength- I would argue that Hinata’s the strongest character in the story so far. Even stronger than Naruto. She’s been thru absolute hell and suffers with severe anxiety and depression. The fact she struggles with suicidal ideations and is still making the choice to live is a testament to her strength. I hope that as the story progresses, Hinata starts to recognize that in herself.

Naruto- love the way you write Naruto in this; the chapters in his pov are some of favorites tbh. As someone mentioned before, I too would love to get a few jealous Naruto scenes. Especially since he’s starting to actually *see* Hinata and recognize his attraction to her. I’m assuming that as the story progresses, Hinata will grow into her own person and become somewhat independent of Naruto (like getting her own friends); is that something Naruto might feel threatened by? Since he does have a selfish streak and is immature, I wonder if he would have an issue with keeping Hinata all to himself.

I think those were the main ramblings I had. Chapter 8 is my absolute favorite so far cuz of the cute NaruHina moment we got. I know smut is probably a ways away but I cannot WAIT till we get to it cuz you are one of my favorite smut writers tbh. Anyways that’s all for now. Can’t wait to see what you have in store for us!

Thank you so much! 🙈💕💗so so so happy you're enjoy the fic that much 💕makes my heart do cartwheelssss 🏃🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️💗☺️🫶🏽 and thank you so much for dropping love in my inbox, I absolutely adore you all that do I swear 🥹

Ahhhh, you have some really interesting ruminations🙈

Sasuke- Surprisingly a lot of readers have been waiting to see how Sasuke fits into all this🤭I've gotten some incredibly creative scenarios and prediction from commenters and anons that I've actually added to his role and even moved his entrance up in the timeline😄This is a very interesting scenario and I really, really like it a lot! So many people really want a protective friend Sasuke and I can't say the idea isn't unbearably adorable 💕

Strength- You hit the nail on the head for sure🫡💕Hinata's inner strength is one that's often overlooked, underestimated and underappreciated when compare to more overt forms of strength, or socially constructed ideals of what it means to be strong, and I've really, really been wanting to make a point in the world of fanfiction, specifically the Naruto fandom of fanfiction, that strength is not always aggression, violence and bitchy attitude 🤦🏽‍♀️ because I've seen, for years now, this narrow, short sighted standard of who is strong and who is weak being perpetrated and it's always, always bothered the crap out of me 😤With Butterfly, I'm hoping to open minds and break molds we've been taught to believe are absolute👎🏽but are actually highly subjective👈🏽 I swear, so many of my fics are 'break the mold' type fics, lol, I think I just like to nay say the nay sayers, ya know, shine light on areas and topics that many may make negative assertions and toxic assumptions about while in reality, know very little about the subject matter at all. I think it opens the door for more compassion, understanding and inclusion ️🫶🏽 and honestly, that's what I'm all about.

Naruto- I love, love, love me a Naruto POV 🙈idk what it is about Naruto in particular since I love most make POV but it is soooo much fun being in his head 🤭Butterfly!Naruto and Prey!Naruto are two of my fave Naruto POV's to write in, both are so much fun in different ways 😄For sure Naruto's gonna have his jealousy moments, he's too hot headed and selfish in Butterfly not to🤭Its definitely not out of the realm of possibility that he'll feel some type of way about not being the center of her attention🤔right now, he's the golden boy, he's got the coveted place at her side, he's got exclusive access nobody else has, losing that, well, he might not be too keen on it🤭although, he's been trying to introduce her to his friends and help her with her speech problems, so maybe he'll take it as a source of pride that he's help her find her confidence🤔that's why I love this Naruto 🤭he really can go either way. Like, on one hand, he can be sweeter than cotton candy, some real tooth rotting sweetness, but on the other hand he can be a selfish asshole making scummy choices just to get what he wants😅he gets tunnel vision, and the only thing that matters is reaching his goals by any means necessary. He's just a really fun character🤭

I super duper appreciate you leaving your ramblings here!! I enjoy each and every one of them! Chapter 8 is near and dear to me too!! I enjoyed writing it so, so much, the cuteness almost melted my laptop 🙈💕 I cannot wait to do more sweet bonding scenes for them ️🫶🏽 that's honestly why my fanfics be so long, I get so caught up in just enjoying and marinating in NaruHina love 🙌🏽its like a virus I never wanna get rid of 😫 Smut is indeed a ways off, but I can't wait to get to it too 🙈 and tys, I'm honored to be one of your faves💕 Thank you, thank you for dropping by!!! I really loved seeing your ramblings! 🫶🏽

[baylardo]

me type some of my Voyager episode ideas for Threshold AU chronologically,,, FOR FUN :)

BIG POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i made it up to season 3 lmao 😂 ill try and do more sometime but i piddled out

s2e1 The '37s - amelia name drop idea, but no ones really thinking about it yet.

s2e4 Elogium - somewhere in here, kathryn confides in either Chakotay or Neelix about the name "Philippa" that Mark wanted to name a daughter if they ever had one. :) her and chakotay have that intimate little scene in her readyroom/quarters i think, and neelix is just on the fence about having children (until he isnt) and i think kathryn would maybe have a lil conversation with him about her and mark's plans for their future or something idk.

s2e7 Partriution - tom and neelix bonding, something something laying foundation for kid naming ideas that comes up later.

s2e15 Threshold - obviously where stuff goes down. some less obvious side notes i have on it are that the re-evolution happens between Threshold and Meld. kathryn and tom are aware of their children existing on the ship by Meld. also need to mention somewhere that i think Kes would be the one to suggest they use "Edward" for the boy's name, she tends to suggest the names of her relatives to the doctor, i think she'd just kinda one track mind it haha. and maybe neelix or tom would stink "Owen" 'cause Tom hasnt worked through his daddy issues yet. the more i've sat on the naming process ideas the less i like chakotay, tom, AND kathryn being involved in it lol. i dont think amelia would be an obvious choice to chakotay. MAYBE he's the one to suggest philippa if kathryn did tell him about the name's significance to her (or neelix). its not super important but its something i ruminate on. babies end up getting situated in chakotay's quarters. neelix and kes (mostly neelix) do a lot of the babysitting while the babies' parents are on the bridge. oh i guess also like, its REALLY conveniently in a scene showing that the spy on voyager is in contact with the kazon -> seska. so they're like, vaguely aware at this point of how the warp 10 experiment went,, probably are aware of the triplets being kathryn and tom’s. kathryn and tom are avoidant of their children. tom for his mentioned daddy issues, afraid he'll mess them up, doesnt know how to parent, doesnt want to, etc. kathryn has this huge complex about being unfaithful to mark and that being so visibly apparent to her with these children, ummmm i think shed also beat herself up about being the first to have children on voyager, what her crew must think of her, etc. (before naomi is even born!!! IDIOT) aside from her struggles with her appearance too like yikes girl, visible failure moment. ALSO i think deep down shed know (and even said in the ep) that she was the one initiating things down on the planet and that she wanted children and everything so shes gotta grapple with this act she somewhat knowingly performed and got a clutch of eggs out of haha. oh my gosh ALSO!!!! idk where to mention this but i REALLY dont think belanna would be that involved with the triplets like, all that much if ever especially in earlier seasons. doesnt really seem all that interested, you like, never see her interact with naomi (yes itd be cute but weird that it doesnt happen all too often if at all i cant think of any times rn). like her daddy issues are mad buried and tom's not interested, theyre not even dating yet!!! YES in later seasons i think shed dabble in it just as tom is, and maybe she even pushes him to because of how uninvolved her parents are! but as of right now shes like nty about it haha.

s2e16 Meld - conveniently you dont see kathryn on the bridge in this episode, only her senior officers are seen visiting her in like her readyroom and sickbay and stuff. she's avoiding the bridge for a bit post-Threshold because shes feeling a little insecure about things and hates the looks her crew gives her. but mean!tuvok in this ep does not pull punches and i think hed berate her on like, her avoidance of the bridge or w/e. maybe say the warp 10 experiment was a bad call and she signed off on it idk, she feels really vulnerable afterwords but its an ugly truth thing for her that gets her to overcome her trepidations.

s2e17 Dreadnought - its still early post-Threshold and kathryn's 100% okay with blowing up the ship to save lives and doesnt really consider her children at all.

s2e18 Death Wish - the first time Q tries to tempt kathryn with turning her human again. :) establishing Q being into kathryn while in her hyperevolved state.

s2e20 Investigations - tom has his arc of being sassy with chakotay and overall a bad crew member. add onto it with the au that he and kathryn are both avoiding the children like a plague and leaving chakotay to take care of them. really funny that i think tom walks in late to his shift and bragging/lying about delivering Sam's baby like YEOWCH salt in the wound for chakotay he sure wasnt that ecstatic about his own kids. MAYBE theyre sleeping with each other to relieve lizard tension. chakotay's not vibing this situation at all. so understandably the two boys are a BIT on edge with each other for a surplus of reasons both fake and real. seska gets to see hyperevolved TOM for the first time in this ep but not kathryn!!!!! like to think him and seska would have a little quip about being lizards lol.

s2e21 Deadlock - just another early post-Threshold scenario where Kathryn's not really lingering on her children being part of the equation still. naomi is born in this ep, thats something haha. this might be an ep where she starts to linger on it though, feels somewhat guilty for neglecting them. maybe her and her other self would talk about it before one of them dies.

s2e25 Resolutions - forced exposure therapy for kathryn!!!!! learns while on New Earth that she likes bugs. Unfortunate <3 she also discovers she has an instinctive fondness for heat; she keeps slinking into chakotay's bed to snuggle up against him for warmth, wakes up next to him its real awkward, both choose not to read into it in the beginning but hahaha im trash for bed scenes like that where chakotay stirs to leave and kathryn would squeeze him tighter or something so hell stay with her. ummmmm i think her and chakotay would argue a lot about the kids for a while, then after the storm she kinda changes her tune and FINALLY gets more involved with them. had a side plot idea that Ed gets sick and kathryn gets REALLY frantic about it, like as its happening and his fever's getting worse shes begging whatever deities will listen that shell change and do better for these children if they let him live IDK HAHA.

s2e26/s3e1 Basics - seska gets to see threshold!kathryn here for the first time and she can BULLY HER about it. >:) i wanna dabble with these eps like, THOROUGHLY and i really havent yet, but i think seska would get a little booty injured about chakotay choosing kathryn's weird lizard offspring over his own son. SPEAKING OF SON i love the kolopak stuff about fatherhood it compliments the AU SOOOOO MUCH bc kolopak's like talking about the illegitimate children of a tribe being taken in despite their heritage JUST LIKE HIM!!!!!!! like chakotay could easily be talking to kolopak about his struggles with caring for these three infants that arent even his or something. maybe its vague haha. but inbetween Resolutions and Basics, kathryn's DEFINITELY pulled back on all that growth she did, like its a little different, but chakotay's frustrated about what to do. ALSO minor thing, but kathryn gets to eat weird eggs and bugs in this ep for survival and gets to make her crew do it too and i think that's awesome. :) also tiny note that the planet they get stranded on is hot and dry and i think kathryn and tom and babies would struggle with that so i think she'd be grouchy.

s3e8/s3e9 Future's End - just have to start that this ep has its opening with janeway as her like practicing tennis in her room and saying she's out of practice and 5000% AU associate her rusty skills with having a tail. :) canon compliance kinda necessitates these episodes have kathryn and tom look like, normal human. :/ the AU has to compliment proposed/used/failed solutions down the line in episodes as they organically occur like Ashes to Ashes where that's their FIRST time testing something to try and make Lyndsay Ballard look human, which to me means they wouldnt have attempted it prior to that episode and its waaaay in season 6. theres potential like, temporary disguise/genetic alteration ideas too like what they do with neelix and chakotay in some episodes, but i dont think theyd be able to do anything about hiding their tails! and these are the eps where the holographic emitter is ESTABLISHED so they dont even have that haha. the solution that seemed the EASIEST to me is like, some technobabble explanation accompanied by the weird time travel shenanigans voyager experiences in these episodes causing their genes to revert BACKWARDS just like they do in time. :) so theyre like, legit back to normal for a bit. but the triplets remain unaffected because they were born that way. i think building up to these eps, kathryn's like DABBLING in parenting but kinda noncommittal. this is also around the time that the triplets would start i think likeee talking or walking? put a pin in it i guess lol. kathryn and tom are hyped to look like themselves again, maybe act a little overindulgent on earth, being able to not stand out and get weird looks and all that. was thinking maybe the babies dont recognize her when she looks normal and a part of her feels sad about it. eventually they turn back when they return to their own time.

s3e11 The Q and the Grey - Q being infatuated with the only hyperevolved lady in existence real? i dont have some of the important details and ideas figured out in this ep, only that i can have fun with kathryn getting turned human and chakotay getting hyperevolved for a time. :) was thinking that when Q takes janeway to the continuum, that's when she gets forcefully turned human, i think she'd decline if he tried bribing her again. subsequently ms. Q feels a little threatened by janeway and she agrees to work with chakotay to help win Q back. i think the idea i'd had was that she'd hyperevolve chakotay to try and get janeway interested in him and not Q but idk if i like that idea. or she just does it for giggles. ANYWAY janeway at this point is kinda over it in regards to getting turned human again, it doesnt work. i think she'd assure chakotay that he doesnt need to change for her. :)

s3e12 Macrocosm - liked the idea of kathryn being alone but finding philippa uninfected and crying somewhere in a jeffries tube or something so she has to carry the baby around while she saves the ship.

[thesherrinfordfacility]

tried to send an ask forgetting my connection's awful rn, so if you're getting this twice rephrased that's why. i'm just gonna try and type it as close to verbatim as i can remember:

i might be on to absolutely nothing, but i think this is interesting with the introduction of the BOL. my bad if i'm repeating things you've gone over a thousand times, but.

it's never made much sense to me to add something so huge so late and not offer any explanation. obviously it'll be a thing in s3, but why wouldn't heaven have used this in s1, if they have no qualms with rewriting history by removing Aziraphale? stopping armageddon entirely sounds like a wayyyy bigger transgression than sheltering gabriel (and crowley, ofc, wouldn't have then managed it without him). they'd at least be equal? if everything's how it seems, it all sort of comes across as a really lazily added threat. i'd rather it wasn't

if book canon can be factored into show theories at *all* at this point, i think this line lends some weight to thinking things are not in fact how they seem. the BOL could really, really, not be a book. i'm just typing words with no meaning at this point, but what if it's got something directly to do with jesus? am i reading ridiculously far into a throwaway line? do i sound as crazy to you as to myself right now

hey @aq-uatic, beloved!!!✨💕 im so sorry i said i'd answer this yesterday but then it fell out of my brain and i forgot about it in my drafts 💀

i have however ruminated on the bit from the book you've screenshotted and i'll come back to it in a minute (because Oh Boy), but im totally with you on the BOL thing -

i know i tagged you in another ask response because the same kinda thing came up, but yeah im still a little confused on why they didn't threaten it when aziraphale derailed the apocalypse? it's such an op weapon to have tucked in their back pocket (same as the miracle blocker, tbh), and it not have been even alluded to in s1/book?

the only thing i can attribute it to is that a) only the supreme archangel or above technically has the power to use it, b) michael assumes they have that power bc they insert themselves as supreme archangel duty officer, and c) heaven never does seem to change its passwords*

but then it further brings into question what is so different between gabriel and michael that gabriel would prefer to punish aziraphale by execution, instead of BOL'ing him (and therefore risk unmaking so much shit that happened because of aziraphale)... compared to michael who goes straight to the nuclear option? this further brings up some possibilities:

michael is an idiot to consider it, and gabriel is clever enough to know not to use it (both eventualities are... debatable)

michael misunderstands what the BOL actually is, that's it's not what they have told us - the audience - it is, and it does something else.

so yeah let's consider that all the archangels know of its existence (uriel and saraqael do not seem to react when michael threatens aziraphale of it in ep6), but only SA has the authority to use it, but michael is not actually SA... well, is there actually an instance where michael would truly know what it does? arguably not, not unless they went looking in the files on the BOL* which, presumably, in their arrogance, they did not.

(by the by, this could also suggest that AWCW was not an archangel - if all the archangels knew of the BOL, but he thought it was just a rumour to frighten the younger angels, then he evidently did not seem to have known that it was real. could however be something to do with his seemingly faulty memory, though - the fact that he doesn't seem to remember the BOL?)

(ALSO if the BOL is indeed to erase existence, as a punishment against angels, and this concept existed pre-fall/before the earth was created etc (given what crowley says in ep1), did aziraphale know about it? is this what punishment he appears to be afraid of when AWCW starts asking questions? would that mean that aziraphale was an archangel or was privy to archangel-level info?)

okay unrelated mental gymnastics over (before i talk myself into a hole, but also worthwhile notes @me to remember) - let's talk about the adam quote!✨

it's interesting to think, because how far do we consider adam's powers as the antichrist? could consider it as the exact mirror of, yk, jesus, or as a hereditary power from his father - former SA and now literal satan. we know he can resurrect the dead, he did so in s1; to resurrect 25 people equates to the power "only the mightiest of archangels" would have (according to shax, though, so - pinch of salt here). but ultimately he has the power and ability to unmake reality, full stop. even if we ignore the exact wording from book!canon, we have this in the show:

do we take this as adam having the same power as the BOL? yeah, think that's fair to say, (especially if we consider that, from the christian bible, jesus appears to be the one to wield the BOL, revelation 3:5), and i definitely think you're onto something... but what does it mean? does that mean the BOL doesn't even exist? that adam would be able to counteract the BOL? gonna need to think on it more, but i also think it might be something to do with this:

💀✨

[xeroscribed]

So, uhhhh...

I broke

Just like that, huh (definitely not typing rn to try and hold myself together 🙃)

I

Hmm

Fuck

Yeah, there have been signs, and [I really should smoke more] it finally came to a head.

"You're making yourself upset?"

"If I'm hearing wrong, I must be senile/I should go and get my hearing checked."

"Oh, so I'm the reason your life is so bad, am I?"

Etc.

Etc.

Sigh

Well [breathes], I understand my tension, my stress, my inactivity

No, it is not all her.

No, I did not tell her this

I'm kinda just finally realising it

This voice I've been fighting, that's been slowly creeping it's way back into the drivers seat with me lacking awareness of how significant the impact

For a few nights running, early this week, I struggled to sleep. Jerking awake as I dozed off at the sudden incomprehensible rage I heard quietly blaring in the back of my mind, as if in real time.

And I've no idea what words were said, or when. Something like a disembodied voice. An echo of a memory of a moment lived so many times over they've blended to one passage of indistinguishable vitriol hurled over decades with reckless abandon. No words to be placed but the undeniable cadence of the maternal howl. [Gone the wonder of why I excel at recognising voices].

.

The agonising pleading with the girl in the mirror, only increasing; I know that you're in there, so why won't you listen?

The constant convincing still so unconvincing

.

The frustration at the name in the bubble of notification. The constant exhaustion. The tension. The waning of patience.

There, you see...

I'm feeling okay.

Breathing somewhat steadily

Declining heart rate.

I'm straight.

So there was a moment. And-

A less evolved version of me would think my ma did it on purpose to force interaction or just to be petty.

Because after days on end of getting it right, she somehow gets it wrong. And gets me. In a gesture way off.

But...

I'm above that line of thinking and it helps me not

Fuck it.

Either way, interaction was had. A question asked. A tone misperceived. A flame thrown back. Which, at this moment - too hot to handle. But I do. Unsteady-like until I catch myself and...

I calmly highlight, yet again, this problem I'm having [we're having, but i digress]

See

Ffs

It's so frustrating

Yes, this is gaslighting.

But being gaslit by a person who doesn't actually understand that they're doing it.

Who is so trauma bound that they would swear blind if anyone were doing the harm it is you.

For being tense like you are. For avoidance. For snapping sometimes. For addressing the issue.

Here. I have to lead with understanding first. I have to moderate her emotions and redirect her to the topic at hand and manage her way of thinking and reiterate my point and do it all calm, don't dare raise your voice and-

Fuck

I have been thinking and writing in this stupid lyrical manner. This sing-song nursery rhyme bullshit.

Last night, for some reason, recollections of past traumas. Of hygiene. Of solitude. Of lessons in abandon.

Things I am still ashamed of.

But wish to speak on. Because there are so many of us. Hidden. Getting by

Getting on. Battling our demons.

Some, like me, still living with them. At least... that's what she thinks. I don't share the opinion.

I said I broke. It was... incredibly emotional and vulnerable and-

You can't show your pain because it's seen as a tool to make them feel guilty and feel like the fool so they flip it back on you without a care what you've said coz it's easier to claim they'd be better of dead than to take a step back and to listen instead.

I heard you I heard you. Then exaggerates context. Exaggerates impact. Inflates the intent and warps it to suit their ego.

.

This is the matter at hand. This is the plainness of speech. This is the intent.

Do not take to heart the things you think that I meant.

Do not ruminate on your past wounds or fears of your failure [the ones I'm beginning to share].

Do not put on me all the harm of past aggressors. Of the attitudes I've shed. Of the fallacies in your head.

.

"Well, I can't help it, can I!?"

I ask you, who can?

If not you than who?

Not seeking apology. Don't want you to feel bad.

Just asking you to see me as I truly am.

See the work I've put in. See the intention within. See the years of the patience and commitment that's been repairing this ship, drawing us closer, trying to establish something vaguely familial.

.

Yet you see me. Villain. Who hates. And spits sin. Who lies and denies you your right to feeling.

.

Here am I sharing this ache in my chest, this knot in my gut, and this pit in my head.

"It's always about what I'm doing to you!".

I've had an ear worm lately: "I need you, too". Still don't know what it means. Don't think I'm meant to. Not ready yet.

.

You ever notice when one has just formed?

"You're upsetting yourself/You're getting yourself upset."

Because everything is always repeated. They want you convinced.

That's the moment I realised the futility of going further. I'd said what I'd said. Clarified. Reiterated. Took my time. Found my patience.

I stopped. Composed myself. Said goodnight.

Again: Please remember the words that I've said. Please do not focus on what you think I meant.

A final attempt to beg. To plead. That she'll hear me this time.

Coz its taking it's toll. On my soul.

Oh yeah, that's the revelation.

See

That voice is winning. My energy waning. My faith fading. My hope withered.

And instead of knowing I'm good and great, I'm trying repetition hoping the thought integrates.

Like it had before.

But I'm battling two voices.

Both equal in strength.

One cultivated by me, with unending resistance.

The other, nurtured and festered inside. The one I seek to hide.

I

Had manage to quell it, pushed it to the side.

I was golden. Confident. I'd finally found pride.

And now both the knowing and the fearing have taken up residence. Battling it out for the number one spot.

And as I look out, I see the crowd forming.

The faces of friends. Some clear as day. Some so distant.

Some I can hear. Some I just get a glimpse of. But what carries through; words of love and peer wisdom.

That's one side. With the sun. With the me fueled by loving.

.

The other. Barren. Cept for one figure.

One I try not to witness til she toes the line to the sunny side. A gift yet a rarity.

Typically, she resides in the shady seats but stays squinting. The most notable impression of the twisted expression.

Some days are more dreary. And I can't see her clearly. But her voice steady travels on the wind and whips through me.

.

I watch these two battle it out - the crowd cheering.

But that voice doesn't shout. It whispers so clearly.

And the wounded looks through you: I know you can hear me.

.

Those supporters, so loving, well their chants are drowned out. And the two are left standing in a haze of pure doubt.

Neither sure. Both uncertain. Of which one will win.

Sometimes I think it's a matter of time.

Eventually the clock runs out and the stands will be missing their most loyal voyeur.

All that will remain will be sunshine and well wishes.

But its not really so dire. I suppose.

I recognise now what has it's hand round my throat.

May I not amplify it.

May I stand by the sunny side and know that clouds pass and find my place in the rain.

Let it wash over and all that malarkey.

So much has been said. So much I will probably read again and find lacking sense.

But you cannot tame a beast you have not named and I've named it. I know it. And I'm bound to defeat it.

So fuck it.

In the meantime, keep it going.

Find peace. Things will improve. It's just trauma. Not you.

You're better for knowing.

[dirtyoldmanhole]

real dweeby navel gazing time

i think one of the reasons i am having genuinely, so much fun with this gunter slowburn fanfic despite sitting at a literal 53k words rn and with it probably being close to 90k all said and done, is it's ... writing the ship i see myself in the most by far on both sides.

like, ever.

this shit is the rawest most honest shit i've ever written.

i've talked a little bit about how corrin's memory wipe stuff is literally a 1:1 to my anesthesia/childhood surgery/physical therapy conga line of bullshit. even aside from the helpful textual 'here's how this works from a medical event standpoint' there's the 'here's the emotional scars that it will leave because yes it is a bodily/mind violation of a sense, over and over, and jesus all of this of this stuff goes so well thematically to the straight up fantasy bullshit of nohr with the underpinning of being hyper-aware to the themes of "power" "use" "what it takes to survive by emotionally dragging yourself through a minefield" etc. stuff i've been ruminating over since being conscious lol.

then my body's so whack from a physical joint perspective that there's also almost word for word conversations from gunter's side that i've had with my gf about how to navigate certian shit from a kink perspective but also like... how to maintain dignity when your body's kinda physically crapping out on you due to the march of time.... without loosing the sexytimes u know?

the concept of dignity in the face of being broken is a huge theme in this fic that gets echoed. very poignant for reasons you fates players know.

amusingly there's a scene near the end where corrin's helping him to shave after his stroke. (in one of fate's "clearly having a giggle at my expense" coincidences i've been in contact lately irl with somebody who's also gone through a stroke and man is it not easy) and it's this kind of perfect blend of she's helping him, technically, with something that could just be... god awful self loathing brainspace wise for him but it turns into this amazingly hot kink scene with some serious sizzling power exchange.

the dream, man!

there is a real thin line between being able to laugh at yourself *while* keeping that dignity to pointedly.... having to not look in the mirror some days. desire and shame being some real fucked up entangled wires too, in that sense.

the tumblr uwu approved discussions re: tricky medical/'my body is crapping out on me man and i can't hide it'/kink shit and having to be ~valid~ all the time gives me the hiiiiiveeeees man (and i'm not knocking it for other people, i know why it exists, but it sends my hackles up u feel).

and yet this fic still feels like, hot, in the fun sense.

there's enough fun whacko fantasy taboo elements in it that it doesn't feel .... oh no this ain't sexy this is Too Real, you feel, or too much like a trauma fic(tm)

there's the sexy yandere villain ossan (lol), corrin herself has one hell of a sex drive (and honestly that's yet another huge focus, that wish fufillment fantasy of this 'pure fragile princess chick that's fought over like a prize by everyone else' who gets to choose 'no i actually want the hot villain kthx'. she actually rants to him several times about being fought over and having everyone else from nohr/hoshido project all the shit on her.

(and him being all, I got you, I get it.)

he actually does!!!! that's the funniest darkest most ironic thing!! he's got that weird blend of being aware enough from a kink perspective and just 'went through enough shit' life perspective of why sometimes the most sacred, profound thing you can do for somebody is to break them when they ask for it. sometimes in the dark u just want the brain wires to go bzzt.

there is a weird as hell comraderie in the sense of facing very specific demons that only they have (which, again, hilariously, goes so well with the themes of revelation! invisible enemies/demons that only you two know about.)

and then i have like yet another essay in me about how literally every character i've RP'ed is a suspiciously similar to his whole... archetype.... like all of my RP partners have gravitated to playing the chicks in the het relationships and i've always RP'd the snarky older guy going through life snarking at shit and being a closet misanthrope (there's probably some presentation/gender-aligned stuff going there but this is already navel gazey as hell lol)

anyway

tl;dr i haz feelz

[killerandhealerqueen]

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

3. how you feel about your current WIP

5. first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP

7. your preferred writing fonts

10. what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

9. start to finish, how long did it take you to write the last fic you posted?

13. a fandom you’re thinking about writing for

19. the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic

20. in what year did you publish your first fic?

26. are you able to write with other people around?

30. share a fic you’re especially proud of

23. pick three keywords that describe your writing

17. talk about your writing and editing process

16. favorite place to write

💖💖💖💖💖

Jaz my beloved, hello!

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

I normally write from an "omniscient" view point, so I don't really use like "character povs"

3. how you feel about your current WIP

Currently I'm working on my rewrite and I forgot how much I loved working on it. We are on ep. 27 though, which means we're getting to the mental hospital scene soon so that'll be fun. But I forgot how much fun it is to write it as well as liveblog/rewatch. God I love this stupid drama so damn much

5. first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP

The only unpublished wip I have rn has a lot of dialogue and not so much paragraphs...but this is the closest "paragraph" I could find

         “You’re right, I’m not” he agreed, just as Chen Yuzhi tripped over a rock and fell, causing him to cry out in pain before he rolled over to see the wolf coming straight towards him, its teeth barred. 

7. your preferred writing fonts

For headcanons, Times New Roman, size 12, for actual fic writing Helvetica size 11

9. start to finish, how long did it take you to write the last fic you posted?

Hmm...last fic I posted (not updated cuz updated was 恨君不似江楼月 | Killer and Healer) was Second Chances. That fic, from start to finish...took me about...maybe 3-5 days?

10. what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

Hmmm...good question. Maybe a few days...but it's very rare, unless a fic is fighting with me too much. I mainly work on the draft until it's done and then I post it (but I of course go over it one more time before I actually post, just to make sure I didn't misspell or forgot a word or something)

13. a fandom you’re thinking about writing for

Currently really only writing for CSI: Miami (trying to finish my multi-chapter fic, we're almost done), Killer and Healer, and S.C.I. I do have one more fic to post for White Cat Legend but other than that...I'm not really planning on writing for any new fandoms

16. favorite place to write

Either in my armchair by the window or in my bed. I can control the noise at home, so it makes it easy, and I don't have to worry about people trying to read my laptop screen

17. talk about your writing and editing process

Oof...there's not much to talk about. I get the idea, let it ruminate in my head, kind of start seeing scenes play out in my head/in dreams and then I just sort of...write. I've stopped trying to outline stuff because that just seems to fuck with my flow, so we don't do that anymore. But anyways, I just write until I'm content/I've told the story I want to tell, I'll bring up the "post a new work" page on ao3, type out all the necessary information, past the fic into the box, then copy and paste it into my notes app (cuz sometimes the formating from copying it from word to ao3 fucks up my indents) and then do a quick re-read/edit if I miss stuff and then I post. The only time I'll ever send a fic to someone (aka @ahhhnorealnamesallowed) is when I need a second pair of eyes/I'm sick of the fic but other than that...that's kinda how my process works

19. the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic

Oh, if you've read my fics you know that I research a lot of stuff for anything regarding my case fics, but I think the most interesting one is for my fic Violence Is Never the Answer...Except When It Is where I researched step by step instructions on how to clean a katana. There's never a dull moment in my fics, I promise you that, but that one was probably really interesting...and really in-depth

20. in what year did you publish your first fic?

Lord...like 2012? It was a fic that I wrote for a Kakavege fanart that I saw on Deviantart. I loved it and then messaged the artist if I could write a fic for it. They said yes and even linked it to their art. My deviantart account has since been deleted but that was definitely my first like true fanfic

23. pick three keywords that describe your writing

I have no idea how to describe my writing...other than maybe out there, fantastical, exciting?

Idk Jaz, how would you describe my writing?

26. are you able to write with other people around?

Oh yeah, as long as they don't ask what I'm working on nor do they look at my laptop

30. share a fic you’re especially proud of

Now...we all know that I'm very proud of 恨君不似江楼月 | Killer and Healer (and really, I should be) but I'm also really proud of For All Eternity because I flipped what I normally would do for Jiang Yuelou and Chen Yuzhi when writing xianxias/wuxias (I made Jiang Yuelou the immortal this time while Chen Yuzhi is the demon instead of the other way around) and yet I STILL kept them true to their personalities. So...yeah. I'm really happy with that fic and I hope more people read it because it's good (it's also inspired by Chinese Paladin 4 which was Mao's latest drama and my god was he gorgeous in that drama. He was also my favorite character but no one is surprised by this at all)

more fic writer asks | send me asks

[tbyfandoms]

I don’t know how gossip and stuff like that works in the hayden fandom (as I’m so new to it) but I just wanted to speak my mind on the whole rachel podcast thing because it’s been ruminating in my thoughts for a few days and I can’t move on LMAO

So, if you’re down for a little discussion, please feel free to read! If gossip or speculation and stuff isn’t your thing, no problem! Sexual topics will be talked about so keep that in mind in case that’s something you’re not too comfortable with! anyways, here we go…

Alright, so I know the podcast rachel did where she talked about her sexual experiences was literally two months ago but I just need to get my thoughts out on it rn

First of all I’m gonna say I’m 100% all for women being open and honest about their sexual experiences! Like we have a right to not feel shame in speaking about these things openly, but I’m gonna be honest, rachel talking about not having an org*sm (censoring bc idk how tumblr flags stuff and I don’t wanna get in trouble lmao) from penetrative sex until she was 38 lowkey gave me the ick

Like it’s so very obvious people are going to assume the fact she’s basically saying hayden never gave her any sexual satisfaction (correct me if this is a reach) and my jaw kinda drops at that realization??? Like you’re telling me over the ~10 year relationship you had with this man, he not once made you feel good? And the only way you were able to feel satisfied was by your own doing???

As I said, she’s obviously, obviously, entitled to her experiences and opinion like who’s to judge her for that??? But it’s the fact she’s said it now. It’s just kinda ironic to me that after all this time she brings this stuff up, coincidentally when hayden’s career is taking off again, as if the public and media won’t connect the dots on who she’s talking about

Like ya’ll idk maybe it’s me but imo that’s kind of petty to do 😭 like this man was with you for a very long time, he’s the father of your child, and yet you’re gonna make him out to be a guy that doesn’t know how to please his partner…

Maybe this is all such a reach so please take this all with a grain of salt, I’m really just rambling rn and maybe won’t even feel the same after I write this all out, but for now this is how I’m feeling!

It’s just all kinda spiraling in my mind because truly why would you say that (I’m more-so finding a problem with it because she did it so publicly and on a random podcast). And maybe this makes me a hypocrite because I literally just said women should be able to be honest about their sexual experiences LMAO BUT CMON???

Idk maybe it’s just me being defensive of hayden and the fact I literally don’t know this woman at all and this is the first impression I’m getting of her, but it just rubs me the wrong way. Like idk about ya’ll but I know if hayden christensen just looked at me, I’d lose my mind. So imagine being in a relationship with him, where I’m sure he can figure out how to make you feel good especially giving the duration of your relationship, just for you to then turn around and throw it all back in his face when it’s been literal years since you’ve been with him…(also same goes for that adam brody guy she dated in the early 2000s, like it’s not just hayden this reflects on!)

Also she talked about how she misses her ex bill hader (whom she coincidentally dated when she was 38) because of his um…big d!ck. So she’s also throwing into the mix that apparently the reason she couldn’t get off with hayden and adam is because they’re small???? IM SCREAMING DSKDJDH

But again maybe I’m taking this all out of context or not looking at it the right way or whatever, so sorry if this ramble of nonsense is giving you the ick, but so be it

I probably missed a lot of points I wanted to make so maybe I’ll come back to this later, we’ll see

The last thing I’ll say is, literally watch any of hayden’s movies where he’s in a romantic relationship with someone and genuinely tell me you think that man doesn’t know how to make someone feel good, specifically with penetrative sex (because that’s what rachel was talking about)??? It’s the way he’s acting and yet I can still feel the sexual tension and attraction through the screen. Just imagine him in real life. I shall leave some gifs below to further prove my point because…yeah I don’t understand

Exhibit A:

This scene from Awake literally has me screaming every time I watch it DKSJSH like the hand placement??? The kissing??? Yeah I GET IT, it’s not sex but just trust me on this ok

Exhibit B:

This scene from Factory Girl. Literally my most favorite piece of proof that goes hand in hand with the fact I cannot grasp the idea THIS man does not know how to please a woman I-

Really you guys just have to click on the account that posted these and look at the whole set because…I rest my case. Just look at the way he rolls his body on her *screams*

Ok sorry, bye that’s all I’ll say for now. I feel like none of this makes sense and I SWEAR I’m not trying to shame rachel, I just felt really put off by that little tidbit she decided to publicly share so yeah here’s my current thoughts on it. Please no one jump me, if this is truly an awful take I will delete it 🫣

[spacelobsterm]

Critical role c3 ep 63 spoilers

.

.

So I guess thats it for the party split?

On one had im excited for the family to reunite

On the other hand I'm really sad we got way less episodes with team Issylra, feels like we just got them back and we're already returning to normal

I expected Ashton lore like we got with Chet, using the location as an opportunity to explore that since the story may not allow for it, but it was just crumbs like we always get with Ashton

I'm repeatedly disappointed with the utter lack of Ashton lore, especially it being so close this time!! They had the opportunity and didn't take it and that bums me out

Im not faulting anyone, this is their game and I'm an observer

A LOT happened in tonight's episode and feels like way too much happened in a short amount of time to just return to the big group where these feelings will likely go unanswered or unexplored. Like I want them all to ruminate in the Bor'dor betrayal and Delilah's return!!

I'm just disappointed that we didn't get the same time as the last group, especially since specifically Orym and Ashton are very often talked over or just more quiet in the larger group, so a lot of things won't be addressed

I'm just not feeling as excited for the reunion as I thought I'd be

Just kinda feeling meh rn

But critical role is critical role and it makes my brain go brrrr so I'll watch regardless

[prairiies]

“insecure attachment issues” beating my ass rn but im trying my best to kinda take a step back from my anxious rumination and just go “ whatever happens, happens… u have no control over it” anyways i can’t talk abt what my issue is bc it’s complicated and im trying to b mature abt it but im also lowkey freaking out

[blow-me-a-kis]

Got a call from the doctor about my physical. I'm anemic and they want to do an iron panel?? Which I've never had done before. They've never asked for that?? Maybe its cause Im over 30, now? Made me kinda nervous to have more test asked for, tho.

I've always been anemic. I take iron supplements but I'm staring to think they don't do shit.

I don't eat meat and they didn't ask, so thats def a factor.

I been thinking about giving up vegetarianism. Its just annoying when ppl get food and bring me fries. I do enjoy eating meat, and Im in the South where we do meat best, so its been hard. Man cannot live on potato alone.

I only picked up avoiding meat because I got into cow care videos years ago. Watching how much work goes into just the care of the hooves made me realize, there ain't no way the cows I'm eating get that level of care. The cows I was eating probably sick as hell and got all kids of chronic conditions and pain and depression.

Plus, I cant eat any meat on the bone, cause something about a bone makes me viscerally aware the meat was formally another living being who breathed and felt like me. Which I think its an autism thing? Hyper sympathy or whatever its called??

But I love gyros. Miss those a bunch. Love lamb. I just love ppl who love to cook meat. Not eating it has honestly really made me feel more isolated from rural folks and other PoC in the South. I want gumbo rn tbh. One of the things on my job hunt motivation wishlist is being able to afford meat from butchers and learn more about the care of the animals I consume.

Anyway, rambling about my eating habits to avoid ruminating about potentially scary medical shit lol. I'm gunna go eat my sad vegetarian burger thats literally just corn, because you can't just randomly start eating meat when you haven't for years siiiiggghhhh. I have to figure out what will be my entry meal, so I don't make myself sick.