#just on there so I can refind this post in the future

[starcrossed-sky]

(previous anon) thank you for the detailed answer. my knees have no cushion either! and yeah, my body does not move the way i want it to in a few ways. standing still for more than a minute or so quickly gets very painful, and the only way to mitigate it temporarily is to walk slowly or shift my weight from one foot to the other if sitting isn't an option. i have to sit when i bathe/do dishes/laundry. i've mentioned this to doctors in the past, but they just tell me to exercise more, which unfortunately is not ideal because exertion makes my base level of fatigue worse to the point where i can't keep up with my day job. i'll put a pin on seeing a physical therapist some time, though; i have been planning to look into my mobility issues for a while.

about dieting- i've always been fat, since i was a child, and i felt completely neutral about my own body. when i was a small child, it was seen as cute and a sign that my parents fed me well, but by the time i was in high school, PE class involved everyone getting their BMI measured and i was classified as obese (32 or so). ever since then, my mother has been obsessed with my weight and mentioning how worried she is for my health and how i should definitely be on a diet because i was "ballooning" (said with terror and pleading).

but i was kinda never sold on it? i have relatives who're huge into dieting and would post their gym and progress photos on facebook, but some months later i'd see them at reunions and they had already gained it all back. i even had a distant aunt whose heart gave out because she gained and lost so much weight many times throughout her life. when it came to weight loss, my stance has always been: what's the point of all that effort and expensive products/services if it's so easy to gain it back anyway? i just want my weight to be stable, not to keep going down. unfortunately, i live in southeast asia, where being fat is seen as "you're gonna have a heart attack any minute if you don't drop everything and lose weight right fucking now!!!"

if anything, the only thing that annoys me about my weight and general size/shape is that it's hard to shop for clothes and shoes in my size lol. specialized plus size stores are always more expensive, economies of scale, etc. i always gotta rely on hunting for foreign overruns or secondhand stuff since everyone's so small in my country :p

Oh god, I can't imagine trying to shop for clothes at our size (I think my BMI is also in the lower half of the 30s... not that I pay attention bc that's not what BMI was designed for) in an Asian country. It's hard enough in the US and over here, Asian sizes are notorious for "plan on buying at least one size up from your US size, probably two." I hav e enough of an interest in Asian fashion that I go looking occasionally and immediately have to laugh in pain at "size: XL waist: 112cm" type size charts. (my waist for reference is 50in/127cm)

You should definitely see a physical therapist if you can find a decent one (I have no advice for this, on account of there being an ocean between us, and also I myself have never actually used one). I only had immediate pain from standing during the worst of my Bad Hip period, but I have permanent back problems and can't stand for long periods without an assistive device (which in my case means... a heavy backpack as a counterweight. Lmao.)

Also, as far as fatigue goes, if your body is running estrogen as your primary hormone, get checked for anemia! I had horrific anemia before getting on T, and it was a definite factor in my chronic fatigue.

And, well, yeah, none of what you described with your relatives is surprising to me, as someone who has followed actual weight health science all my life as a survival need. Humans tend to vary by 5 or so pounds in either direction depending on various factors, but any weight loss of more than 10-15 lbs (please don't ask me to convert to kilos I don't have that one memorized) is like... it's medically concerning... unless the person is dieting! then it's fine!

Yeah, bullshit.

Good luck out there anon.

[transition-with-the-torah]

In the process of cleaning out some of my drafts, I found a bunch of links to different tallit options (white, what feels like the classic black on white, other colors and patterns). It more feels like a snapshot of me figuring out that I could order tzitzit, getting a glimpse of tekhelet opinions, and just figuring out that there are quite a few options, so I think it's safe to not post as is.

Refinding that did prod the idea of possibly making my own tallit in the future back into my attention, though. I can understand why there's quite a bit of cost involved in different factors, including spinning and weaving by hand. I'm not inherently opposed to paying up to $1,000 for handmade (and no acrylic). Still. A tallit of the style for that price is, essentially, the shape for a throw or some sort of blanket.

I don't particularly want to use jumbo yarn for this, so I'd have to expect more than a few skeins and (with very rough estimating) shouldn't be surprised if I'd need to allot anywhere from $120 to $265 towards yarn. These numbers are currently based on avoiding acrylic/wool options (which are more around $50 to $90) and a 'blanket' yardage estimate pulled from a chart. This doesn't take into account color work (such as stripes) or sections of different stitch types, to say nothing of adapting an actual pattern.

This is a vague idea moreso than a plan that I'm implementing soon, so I don't really have specifics. Some people at my local-ish synagogue wear what looks like an all white tallit, but I usually see more white with black stripes (and one or two white with blue stripes). I haven't done an exact count and comparison of styles and colors, and admittedly, I'm limited to who I see in livestreams.

Based on "organises the stars into their night watches through Your will" from Ma'ariv/Arvit (page 40), I like the idea of a sky or star chart with a certain amount of stars or constellations shown [1]. I dunno if I'd want an entire tallit of stars (it might feel too much like the Celestarium shawl, though I'd want white yarn instead of eyelets and beads), or if I want that to be just a section or stripe. The idea of the sky from a particular place - maybe Jerusalem? - sounds nice, but this also feels like a lot. (I'm very much in the 'follow a pattern without much deviation' phase of knitting.)

...

[1] It's more of a starry and/or space-adjacent resonance for Hashem than about a thematically timed tallit. I'm aware that a tallit isn't worn for Ma'ariv/Arvit the majority of the time.

[asc27]

How can AI help content marketing specialists?

Can you imagine that what you are reading now was not written by a human being? Can you imagine that when you open your favorite news portals in the morning, all the content is automatically generated? Could you imagine that when you browse social media platforms, the pictures, and text were written by artificial intelligence? 

This article wasn't written by AI (yet), but more and more companies will be using AI to help them create content in the future. For example, the news portal Buzz Feed announced in January that it uses AI solutions for content generation. 

But why is content creation so important? There's a lot of literature nowadays on content marketing, which is about creating content that interests your target audience. For example, an article or video that is interesting to them will draw their attention to your product. Often, customers find a product by browsing the internet, and then they come across a piece of content that interests them. Afterward, they might want to try the service or product as well. With the appearance of social media, not only companies, but individuals, such as influencers, are constantly producing content for their followers too. 

If you have a blog or a company, or you are an influencer, you might have experienced that it is sometimes difficult to produce content. Often, there is no inspiration or time to create quality content. 

But how can AI help?

The writing assistant: Based on your audience and the target of the article, AI makes you suggestions about the content and structure as well. It is much more than correcting grammar errors. The cherry on top is that it creates a summary too, which could be handy for a post on a social media platform. Additionally, what's really cool is that the AI also collects all similar articles from the internet, so you can draw inspiration from other people's work or even help you avoid mistakes. 

Text to image or video: Do you already have a finished article? Do you want to share it on social media too? Or maybe, do you want to include a perfect picture with your essay without searching for it? Yes, it's all possible. After analyzing the text, AI will offer you the most relevant images and videos to illustrate it perfectly. It saves you time and effort because you won't have to search on the internet for the perfect picture. 

Audio to text: This feature can be particularly practical for journalists during an interview or when they are attending a press conference. The recorded audio is analyzed by artificial intelligence and then transcribed word by word. It makes the article writing process much faster.

Text from statistics/data: If you have tons of data or interesting statistics, and you would like to share this information with people, then use the text from the statistics function.

Just the important stuff: If you are in shortage of time to read through all the contents you receive, the following feature can come in handy. AI selects only information that is important for you and then summarises them. In this way, you need to read only the summary without wasting time.

Better than Google: Have you ever wanted to refind an old article but can't remember when you wrote it? Yes, sometimes it can be hard to find it again something you wrote a long time ago, but AI's vast information processing power makes it possible to find anything. If you want, it can even dig up documents from archived files from up to 10 years ago.

I'm interested in podcasts, but I don't have time to listen to them: Podcasts are much loved because they can be listened to while driving, playing sports, or even traveling. But I, for example, find it hard to squeeze them into my day because they are often very long. Here comes handy this feature when the AI summarises each podcast, so you don't have to listen to them all. 

I hope you're not surprised anymore about the fact that more and more companies use AI to produce content. If you'd like to learn more or try how it works AI editorial optimization in practice, do not hesitate to contact us!

[foxymoxynoona]

Hi do u have any tips on how to write long fics faster but still maintain good quality? Hehe cos im always in awe of ur ability to write long fics fast and they're so goood!

I just found this in my drafts!! 💔 I can't tell if I ever posted it or not, sometimes I wind up with unpublished doubles. If not, I'm so sorry anon! I'll post this now just in case.

😭 I'm so flattered you said I'm both fast and good quality. I have some posts with info about my process on here under #mywriting or as public posts on my patreon. But let's see, for churning through really long stories, it's definitely not something I used to be able to do, so I think it's a combination of a few things:

Planning enough future plot points or even writing some future scenes that I'm really excited to get to because it keeps me moving towards those moments

My blend of planning broad distant strokes and more details for the near chapters mostly keeps me from hitting that story-killing moment where I don't know what to write next or have any inspiration

If a scene isn't flowing from my brain the way I had hoped and it's a struggle, I try to think of something unexpected I can toss into the mix. Changing the weather or setting of a scene can sometimes do it, or adding someone new to the scene, or just changing the purpose. Stuck scenes really can detail progress.

Sometimes I need to take a step back and work on something else or go for a walk if inspiration isn't flowing, and other times I have to just bully my way through and trust myself to "fix" it in edit. Everyone so often, I realize I'm trying to force something that isn't actually working for the story, so I just let 'er rip, delete and start it again. Honestly I often hate the thing I'm writing when I actually write it but I don't let that stop me. Then later when I read to edit, I realize it's actually not as bad as I thought.

I always do at least one edit pass before I post. This used to mean reading the chapter out loud. I don't do that anymore unless it's a part that seems really clunky or dense to me, but that was part of my process for many years, especially dialogue. I still do it in really important dialogue parts where I want to make sure the rhythm is right.

I also overall think the speed comes from building muscle. I write almost every single day, even if it's just a few paragraphs. It keeps my brain humming and conditioned so then I'm not having to start a cold engine or refind motivation for a story that I've forgotten my enthusiasm for.

[filisaceaf]

Howdy y’all! 🤠

I know I have been particularly radio silent and I figured it was time I opened up about my absence alongside giving a lil writing update (which helps me out because I don’t even remember where I am with some of these fics).

(I am ashamed of this fact, don’t worry.)

But the main reasons for my latest absence has been a lethal combination of hip surgery/recovery, the lack of taking my medication consistently, and a lot of burnout.

Let’s start with the hip surgery! I went in for hip pain in about early April, found out I had a stress fracture about two weeks later and ended up going in for surgery pretty quickly after they found the stress fracture. It was a simple pinning but when I say I have been utterly exhausted, I’m not kidding. Just trying to get around for a work day is causing me to sleep 12 hours a day. But I’m getting stronger and since I’m on desk duty at work, I’m doing my best to try writing again.

Burnout. Pretty topical considering Dan’s latest video, eh? I would say the burn out started in December/January and I just kept trying to ignore it until the point I went in for all my hip appointments. After that, I kind of just. Needed a break, you know? The small break seemed to have helped. I actually wrote 1k words today and I liked most of them. But I am going to ask for patience for future uploads, especially as I try to refind my joy of writing phan.

(God, I am a pretentious fuck)

Speaking of uploads, here’s a writing update for the current ongoing stories/series I have going on in no particular order of importance:

OSPBB Super Secret Sequel- As you can imagine, due to the above burn out, I did decide to drop out of the OSPBB this year (but I have some powers and the stuff that is posting is AMAZING this year so definitely check out the postings @oldschoolpbb). However, this is being saved for the next one and I’m slowly pecking away at it because it is going to be a behemoth.

i burn for you (and no one else)- To be honest, I almost want to delete this. This was written at the height of my burnout with little to no planning and while I’ve gotten some pretty positive feedback on it (which I super appreciate), I’m just not satisfied with it. Is it possible I could delete it and republish it in the future? Yes. But for now, I’m undecided and will put HIATUS in the summary.

you and i (ten year anniversary edition)- I probably feel the most guilty about this fic since someone paid money for this and I just haven’t looked at it. This is probably going to be my summer project and I’m hoping to have it completed by the end of August.

helpless AU - Put the pitchforks down. I know this is a favorite. I know. I had written a little of the next chapter before burnout kicked in and I am determined to finish this series. It should have like nine more parts, but I’m not posting parts until all the chapters are done. I need to outline a bit of this next part but I’m hoping to have something up for this series by the end of June.

dancing on the blades (you set my heart on fire)- Okay. This one is going to be the most intense change. I am just moving it from one story into a two part series. Part One (which is the current story so far) is done, in all it’s imperfections and inconsistencies. If you go to this story within the next couple days, you will see that it says complete and the summary has changed. That is because I am stealing the summary for the series summary. Part two should start posting before the end of May. If you want to be updated when I post Part Two (title still undecided), I would suggest subscribing to me as an author. Just to make it super clear, I am still continuing this story. I have so much left in this story I want to tell and I think in a way I just needed a fresh start, especially since if you’ve read it, you can tell my writing style has been changing (hopefully for the better.

Um. I don’t really have anything else. Just wanted to swoop in, dump a lot of changes on you and skedaddle off. My ask box is always open if you have any questions, comments, concerns.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi, I saw the post aboout INFP's depression en NFP'S depression in general and one thing that can cause it is not knowing what to do with our life/in the future and I was wondering what would you suggest to a high Ne to find or refind their purpose, know what they deep down want to do in the future? because high Ne is always wandering around and it is always hard for it and it user to settle down. thanks a lot

I think what is often helpful is to get at the core root of what drives you, which can help what you truly want (deep inside) to come into focus.

When I was trying to decide what to do with my Tudor novels – whether to indie publish them or find an agent – I waffled a lot, because I honestly did not “know” (or could not put words to / admit to) what I wanted. But the fact that my indecision held me back from action told me what I wanted. I realized that I was procrastinating aggressively about finding an agent, because I know enough about the publishing industry to know that once they have a contract with you, they own you. I did not want anyone else to have a say over what I could write, which characters I could choose to focus on, what order to release my books in, or the content of my novels. I did not want to have a great idea for a Thomas More-centric novel about a mystery at University, only to be told, “Well, you’re only contracted for 7 books, and the publisher wants another one on Henry VII and his enemy, Suffolk, instead.”

Superficial things, things you shy away from, tell you something about yourself. I found out what I want (even more than a publisher) is total liberty. The right to choose everything about my creative works, from what stories they feature to what content is in them to what order they come out – I want that even more than I want the potential ‘fame’ that a publisher could give me. And, that’s what drives my life: I want FREEDOM. To do this for awhile, then quit. I do not like to feel tethered down. I have avoided jobs I thought might put me on a schedule I did not like and curb my freedom. I have run away from relationships, because I was afraid it might ‘trap’ me somewhere. Like a book series contract. Or a 9-5 job. Or… kids. And a mortgage.

It’s not necessarily that I WANT to run around and be irresponsible or that I am a flake or cannot commit, it’s just I get anxious at the thought that I CAN’T.

So, what I WANT is to FEEL free.

So, how do you get that feeling? By managing your life in such a way that you constantly keep in mind your need not to feel smothered or trapped. That means picking friends or a romantic partner who constantly grows, who does not get ‘stuck’ in the past, by choosing to invest in shorter term hobbies where you can see a stronger, quicker payoff, and by not leaping into long-term commitments where you feel a sense of ‘panic’ at being tied down.

It also, for me, means learning to live in the present, and not Ne-ize everything; Ne is melodramatic must of the time and over-exaggerates things, so it may tell me, “There ain’t no way you could stand living with this person and raising those kids,” when in reality, the life I live right now is extremely normal – it has routines, it has responsibilities, and commitments, and I do not spend every day freaking out because, “OMG, I have to clean the cat box and make lunch!” I live out too much of my life in hypotheticals and then get bored and/or feel trapped and choose not to do it, when in reality, DOING IT would NOT be boring.

Your deep inner drive may be different from mine, but it’s there. Sit down and think about your life. Use your Ne to find the patterns in your behaviors, and ask yourself about your MOTIVES, and there you will find the truth of you. WHY do you run away from this? Why do you run toward THAT? What are the common factors?

Some Fi-users are lucky and find their ‘purpose’ early in life (like me, at 11, knowing, ‘I want to be a writer; even if it costs me friends, even if it forces me to work instead of playing in my spare time, even if I sit at home and create rather than hang out, I WILL be a writer’) and others do it through exploration; so pursue new things, try them out, find what you like – and then stick with the ones you feel resonate most with your soul.

Another thing… I’ve read a lot of books that talk about how for an artist, you may not want to ‘monetize’ your art, since the pressure to sell / succeed may ruin the enjoyment of doing it. Some of the happiest creative people work mundane jobs that give them enough liberty to go home at the end of the day or spend the weekend doing artistic things. One of the reasons I have stayed with my job is it allows me a lot of free time in which to be creative. So, you do not HAVE to think about having some grand, important career – that’s tert-Te nagging at you to succeed on an EXTJ level. It won’t make you happy, and it won’t fulfill you. Find a job you are good at, or can at least tolerate, that gives you enough of a living so that you can ‘play’ and ‘create’ and ‘explore.’ If you like to travel, and are a true Enneagram 7 Wandering Spirit, find a job that lets you travel or makes you able to afford travel.

Also… if you are someone who switches around jobs a lot, due to Ne-dom… unless you are living hand to mouth because of it, what’s wrong with that? It is society that tells you to have ONE JOB, your ENTIRE LIFE, when in reality, most people have 4-8 jobs throughout their career, and they almost never end up where they started. You do not not NEED some ‘lifetime purpose’ – all you NEED is to be NECESSARY in the moment. You see a need, you fill it. You feel like a cause is important? You get involved, do something about it, and then find a new cause. You are not built to stay with one career or desire your entire life; your desires will change as you grow older.

As for relationships, find someone who always surprises and delights you, who shares your desire for great intellectual discussions and deep conversations, and you will NEVER feel trapped or bored, because if both of you work at your relationship and both care about continual forward movement, you will wander many different paths together.

- ENFP Mod

[tkainstravels]

refinding myself

i’m not sure if thats a word. it’s probably not. i could look it up on the internet. it would be easy to do; i’m already on here anyways. for some reason i don’t want to. i just want to write whatever i want to write and that will have to do for now. 

it’s been a long time since i wrote anything on here. over a year. my last post is strange also. i wrote it after i broke up with my girlfriend, but since then i got back together and were together a year and then we broke up again. it’s weird to have that be the last thing up here. 

i don’t want to write a post about breaking up. that will of course come through, but it isn’t my focus. my focus is feeling lost. not so horribly crushingly lost that i don’t know what to do. i have my shit together (for the most part). i have a plan for the future, i am doing really well at my fellowship, and i already have some prospects for future jobs. these things all excite me. yet i still feel a bit purposeless. maybe i’m burnt out, maybe i’m just bitter about being single, maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. who the fuck really knows. 

we are born, we do some shit in the middle, and then we die. it’s easy to simplify life down like that. but here’s the thing - the shit in the middle really fucking matters. i’ll talk other posts - more on my other blog - about the dying part and why that matters, but right now i’m very much focused on that in between part. what makes life worth living? why do i want to wake up in the morning? 

i’ve been watching a decent about of garyvee lately - which i had to admit was weird at first. but he actually says a lot of things that ring true over and over again. i don’t care about all his influencer and instagram advice - that isn’t me (a superficial part of me maybe). but what i like is the other stuff he talks about. i can distill it down to a simple philosophy: happiness is the only thing that matters. whenever i think about that it takes me to another video of a man (who ended up being a google exec) who lost his son, but gained a unique perspective on what happiness is. the video is here, but essentially he says that happiness is your contentment with what the world has given you. contentment. not fun. not commodity. 

i think the french have a better word for happiness - contentement. i think right now i’m just trying to refind (theres that “word” again) my own contentment with what i have in front of me. 

[regenerativeresurrection]

Rule Page for Mobile Users

It’s all Fun and Games until someone throws someone else out a window. (AKA, it’s long but super informative and doesn’t read like rules at all)

On the matter of portrayal. I view these two how I view them. My headcanons do not have to be your headcanons, and I won’t put up with anyone being rude to me because of how I have come to view this character across their lives. That said, I’m always open to people letting me in on their ideas and possibly integrating them if I like them.

On the matter of ships. I multiship. I multiship with really bizarre pairings. I have no issues with throwing down for an OC, other fandoms, alternate dimensions, or even different time points of this same character. We all know that the Master, be they Missy or Master, would probably think it was a grand lark to fuck with everyone by hooking up with another life of themselves. 

That said, I will not draw lines and not ship with you because I have another ship. I will not compare your muse to another muse of the same name if I can avoid it. If I do, I apologize and tell me so I stop. I will never exclusively ship with one version of a character either. I like to play with all the people.

On the matter of Violence. Well, given the character I’m putting forth here it would be a bit ridiculous to think it’s never going to come up. That said, please be warned that this muse has a streak of casual cruelty and has a very strange relationship with pain, especially as the Master. You’ve been forewarned, though I will always discuss the situation if it turn to extreme violence or potential death.

You keep an open line with me, and I’ll do my best to do the same for you.

On the matter of sexytime. If they happen, I’ll be putting them under a cut, period. If you don’t put yours under one as well, I’ll very likely not feel comfortable continuing the thread here, just as a heads up. Nothing against you, but I prefer to not have porn all over my dash and like to extend that courtesy to those watching my blog in turn.

I tag things that aren’t cutworthy with nsfw anyway! I always tag even my non-sexual BDSM threads with nsfw as well, should those be a thing in the future.

On the matter of memes and asks. THESE ARE ALWAYS WELCOME. If I post it, assume you’re invited. I don’t care if you follow me or not, or if I follow you back. Mind, as this is a sideblog any follow back would be from @techmaestro not these guys regardless. I answer ANY asks I get. I won’t promise to be nice, as I almost exclusively answer such things in character, but I DO answer. If I post a meme, by the same token, it means you are cordially invited to harass me with it. I enjoy it, really.

Please assume I will not notice you replying to any asks you reblog! You’ll need to tell me and make a new post without the ask attached. I have absolutely nothing against the aesthetic of people reblogging asks, but I do not do this for multiple reasons. Please put them under my tag of regenerativeresurrection or @ping me in the new post. Both is best if you really want to make sure tumblr doesn’t eat it, but the @ping is more reliable.

On the matter of tags. I have a pretty straightforward system!

nsfw ->Not safe for work, all sexytimes and similar things go here

tw: trigger warning ->This is how I format all warnings! I have suicide, torture, surgery, rape, death, and blood in this list presently.

w: character name ->Given the prevalence of name changes and multiblogs in my other fandoms, this is a lifesaver for me.

i: character name and character name -> This is how I tag characters in arts and screencaps for pairing purposes in non-threads for blocking purposes. If you're unsure of what order the pairing you need to block from me goes in, feel free to ask.

u: Thread name ->This is so that people can click it and reread the whole thread, including myself.

v: verse name ->I put these on the first post of any AU thread so that I can easily find all threads for a given AU even when they’re not related to one another.

a: AU info ->my tag for lumping infoposts all in one AU for ease of refinding info if an AU is popular. We’ll see what turns up for that.

OOC tags are as thus! infopost, psa time. You can assume anything under these tags are just as ooc as anything with ooc on it. Infopost is things I feel are pertinent to share that I’ve learned and psa time is me sharing yet another random ass thought or graphic that doesn’t quite fit the muses but I still felt should go here. Assume anything tagged with these is permissible to reblog or answer.

and so true too, headcanons ->these are things that are either things the muses think about things, or headcanons.

aus ->My AU tag! Pretty self-explanatory. 

On the matter of Me. I don’t have a lot of boundaries in play. If you have lines you want me to avoid crossing, tell me straight up and I’ll do my best to respect you, alright? You can contact me anytime, and if we’ve spoken before, I’ll even give you my skype when you ask me. Just let me know, and that’s all you need to do.

Oh, right. My name is Skeren, pleased to meet you. I’m pretty much the only Skeren Dreamera on the internet so if the name is familiar it’s because I’ve been around for AGES. I’m a she!

Also, for those who are worried, I’m over 30, so you never have to worry about me being too young for anything, alright? If any of you are under 18 though, please do me the courtesy of not throwing anything my way that would get anyone in trouble, please.

As mentioned earlier, this is a sideblog attached to my Tony Stark: @techmaestro  

[robertbryantblog]

How To Romance Cassandra Pentaghast

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8.27.2017

I’m not sure if Amanda accidently opened my Tumblr by accident. If she did then she saw an unfisnihed post about Shaun. more importantly about me missing Shaun. Just the thought gives me anxiety. Not because she would find out but what comes after. If I thought that Amanda wasn’t threatened or wouldn’t blow this up. but I feel like she would. I just want to say that you can miss something without wanting it back in your life. Which is how I feel about Shaun. I miss him but I certainly have learned that we now, can no longer be anything but friends and that is the extent of any relationship we would have. I know Amanda's lack of trust is because she can read Shaun and I the best out of anyon else. She kniws that Shaun and I have this “bon’ which is really justa way to say we have a soft spot for eachother but that that is all it will ever be. no more. maybe less. We go throuhg these period of not talking. then the tension nuilds up and when we di actually talk, we get this high off of it. I dont know why. I dont know why were like this. Our horro scope matches sa that we will always have emotinal and sexual bonds because were the opposite on the zodiacs. and that whenb a taurus ansd scorpio get toigehter it is a powerful attraction. so this high is good but just like Ive alwyas said its just a fire. a soark and dims fast... exceot when we are in perosn. then I cant explain it. its just this bond. he hit the nail on the head when he said to amanda.  an indescriable connection. We have done some messed up things to eachother. both have lied, played games, hes used me. and yet we both are able to throw it all away. every time. we have both said we hated eachoterh and yet. we dont mean it, every time. There is a fine line between love and hate. I know that Shaun and I care bout each other and I know that he and I love each other. but that's all it will ever be. which I have accepted awhile ago. When I sometimes get caught up in the always hanging ‘what if’ I think about the after effects. if in some fantasy world shaun and I did end up together. Somehow him and amanda break things off and a couple years down the road, him and I bump into eachother and decice to catch up. that he tells mw what Ive known all along that he always missed me and always came back to the decison to choose my sister over me. It all sounds nice up until my brain stops and thinks “then what?” like I show up to moms house with shaun, and evreyone just accrepts that he and I are together?? or worse, I dont tell anyone for months and months and i lie to everyone because Im scared to tell them who I reconnected with. Ever time I get to the then what part it makes me snap into reality that he and I will NEVER happen. never ever. and immeditely following that slap, I think about who will be m future husband. who is going to make me feel the same way Shaun did. Which proceeds to familydinners in the fututre. With me bringing home  some handsome refinded man. glowing with happiness and I see Shaun slightly scorned. not enough for anyone to notice but me. Which only makes me think about him more. and how a part of me would like that. I day dream of the man that will make me feel alive again. that one day, I can talk to Shaun and just have it be him and I . where there is no tension because I have finally moved on. I day dream because that is what my heart truly desires. peace. AS much as I care about him and love him as a person, I can’t have peace of mind while there is still an inkling of feelings. but I also don't want to lose him as a friend. The only way I can get throuhg this new chapter of being friends with him is too keep the distance. To ignore the parts of me that want to talk to him. to remember that he doesn;t want you. that if I want to stay in his life I have to treat him like any other friend. treat him the same way I treat tyler or cody. in no significant special way. that is the only way you  can remain in his life. because in the end thats what you want the most. I have accepted that shaun and I wil never be together like that and that we will only ever be friends which is okay.  but to remain in his life right now, hes just shaun. Shaun Hobby, Amands boyfriend. NOT the shaun you dances with you bedrooms, and cuddles with you, and tells you his up most fears and thoughts, not the sahun who shares some of the best songs, not the shaun who makes pinky promises and blows kisses, not the shaun who laughs until he cries over corny jokes, not the shaun you once knew. That shuan is gone and so is that kassy. forever. Just be his friend when he needs one. Care about him. but he isn’t the one for you. someone out there is. and one day youll find that person and youll feel alive again. youll feel love again. life is worth living. SO heres to BEing a friend to a person who has no friends. and heres to having a friend when you have no friends. HEres to having a future in law who has your back.