#just that he doesn't really put in any effort to pursuit them

[fried-manto]

What do you want to be when you be when you grow up?

Interview taking place pre-recital:

A really cool person! Like a basketball star player! That's really great Kel! Yeah, basketball sounds cool!

I wanna be someone like Mari! ...or at least someone cooler than Kel. Hey!

O-oh uhm... a gardener maybe? Or a photographer..? I really know what to choose... why don't you do both? Yeah just do both Basil! O- okay..!

...A cook... mom probably wouldn't like it though... Go for it Hero! Yeah! you're like the best cook ever! Thats right! Oh c'mon Hero~ O- okay Mari.. thanks guys..!

Hmm...a teacher maybe? A piano teacher perhaps? You should do it Mari, you're a great teacher! ...is she though..? SHUSH! Awww thank you Aubrey~

An astronaut, an artist, an adventurer, a writer, a musician.......i don't really know. That's okay Sunny, we still got plenty of time, you can decide when you get older! Yeah dude! We'll be cool people together! Mhmm! That's right little brother, it's great you have so many to choose from! You got a bright future ahead of you Sunny! ...Thanks...

[painted-bees]

OK I'm just gonna come right out and say it:

I can't be the only one who thinks Magritte's parents do not deserve any of the forgiveness she's been constantly giving to them all this time.

Haha Raf vibes...

Margie knows her parents love and care about her, and that their behavior comes from a place of concern. She can't spite them for that; it's just not the kinda person she is. Anger is a really upsetting/painful emotion for her to hold, and so she just doesn't.

There is a time of grieving in her future, though, if/when she finally concedes to accepting the fact that she's AuDHD. That grief is part of why she hasn't really entertained it at this point in her life. Even Nels being like "hey, you are JUST like my girls and I...we're all ADHD. You should get assessed" doesn't really inspire her to look into it because she doesn't want to consider what that would mean for her. That--If it had been caught in childhood--she would have been given the same patience and encouragement her brother had gotten. She might have eveb been encouraged to follow any pursuit that she excelled at, including music.

Her father is also undiagnosed, considers himself neurotypical, was raised in much the same way, "came out just fine," and is thankful to his parents for helping him learn the "hard lessons". He applied what he liked/respected from his parents and applied it to how he (and his wife) raised their only neurotypical kid, Margie.

Haha as she spends more time around people like Raf and Nels, who give her the space, patience, and encouragement to better understand herself and thrive in, she does gain the confidence to slowly excert her limitations and defend herself when her lapses are met with belittling statements and the like.

She has to first realise (and believe) that she's not just lazy, unmotivated, or immature--and that the criticisms leveled at her with this sentiment are objectively wrong and not something she 'deserves' to hear for not putting the effort into bettering herself. She -is- putting in the effort, via habits and coping mechanisms, and by shaping her environment around her to be as accommodating as possible. But it's never been recognised until recently, with Raf and Hi-Note.

But again, Margie doesn't hold any anger. It's too painful of an emotion. She turns it into sadness and frustration instead.

(It's okay, Raf gets mad for her lmfao)

[evourein]

MOONLIGHT - CRAZIER THAN SEEING TWICE LIVE.

ran haitani x gn!reader

as you was finding the seat assigned to me and my 'sugar daddy', you saw a familiar figure from the corner of my eye and behold- ran haitani.

you maintained eye contact. while his face was painted with blatant nervousness, yours was with utter shock, he liked twice? let alone stan them?

"[name]! nice to see you!" he greeted with all of the confidence he had and yet, it was still enough to hide his nervousness.

"ran! i didn't know you liked twice!" you replied enthusiastically, hoping to hide your utter shock just seeing a MAN in the scene. and coincidentally enough, you were supposed to be next to him.

you awkwardly walked towards your seat- next to ran haitani- as he shifted in his seat, trying to make way for you. "you like twice, ran?" you asked and he snapped his head to look at you, "y-yeah! of course! they're really talented!" the quiver in his voice was definitely noticable as he gulped while your lips arched into a smile.

"well then, who's your bias?" the milliom dollar question.

"my bias?" he asked, clearly not knowing the meaning of the term.

"you know? your favorite!" "oh! it's um....maur maur?" he questioned. in all honesty, he doesn't know any of the members, he only knew momo because of some trend going around.

"oh momo! i love her too but jeongyeon's my bias!" "oh! thats nice, i like her too!" was that the right thing to say? did i just fuck up everything? a million thoughts ran in his mind and none of them were any positive.

"that's nice-" the cheering muffled my voice and that's when i was distracted by all the 9 members as you yelled in pursuit.

as time went by, they performed 'go hard' and during the breakdance, someone taps on your shoulder; "[name]? i have something to tell you!" he shouted and you put your ear closer to him, "huh?" you shouted back.

"i have something to tell you!" "what is it?" and this is it. ran was going to swallow his pride, his fear, his everything just to admit this to you. he breathed in before-

"i'm anonymous and i'm your sugar daddy!"

"you're anonymous and you're the sugar daddy?"

you both said in unison which left both of you absolutely shocked to your core.

"what?"

"how the hell did you know?" ran was absolutely baffled and didn't even make any effort to hide it.

"kazutora and friends made a little conspiracy theory that you were, apperantly you are."

"and the anonymous thing?"

"i caught you, didn't you notice?" fuck. of course you did.

"anyways, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for lying to you, i wanted you to atleast notice me and everything and i'm really sorry for using kazutora as catfish. i know wanting you isn't an excuse to decieve you but trust me, i like you a lot." ran confessed, everything.

nothing was coming out of you, not even a little squeak. all of this left you speechless because all you wanted to do was see twice in the flesh but suddenly there's an entire confession in front of you, in real time. you liked him too but this is even crazier than seeing twice live.

"ran?"

"yeah?"

"i like you too."

previous ; masterlist ; next

summary ran has always adored you even before you were popular. and at the height of your fame, you have been getting anonymous letters and gifts from a special someone, who just so happens to be ran. despite all those gifts and letters, what if he, a broke college student, becomes your sugar daddy and catfishes you?

taglist @kruellaaaa @gulfkfl @diestheticu @yeosatinyngz @oh-i-have-the-plague @fl4mepillar @yourkazunana @q-the-rockaholic @shuujin @bontensbabygirl @voldimir @bluerskiees @zanashair @bontens-whore @ryomenswife @inurmom00 @shortymctotty @slvdsjjk

[vickyvicarious]

Today's entry is another one with strong comparisons to be made between the asylum pair and the castle pair. We start off with Renfield-Dracula comparisons: both his eating other creatures in order to gain life and his cheerful attitude here remind me of the Count. Whenever Dracula had won some new victory over Jonathan (typically by doing something offscreen to foil his latest effort) he tended to get very cheerful and charming. Renfield has circumvented Seward's refusal to give him a cat by eating all his birds and then restarting his experiment, a victory of sorts for him, and is correspondingly quite cheerful.

But it's Seward's response to this behavior which is especially reminiscent of Dracula, and chillingly so: he drugs Renfield to sleep and then goes through his belongings.

I gave Renfield a strong opiate to-night, enough to make even him sleep, and took away his pocket-book to look at it.

While it's never explicitly confirmed, I have a theory that Dracula had been exercising control over Jonathan's sleep throughout his stay in the castle. There are repeated instances where he tells Jonathan to rest well or to sleep soon and Jonathan always follows up with confirmation that direction was followed (when other times there are hints towards unsteady sleep/nightmares). And while it isn't as directly a scene of magical influence, the day Dracula stole Jonathan's papers and other belongings was while also he was locked in a room, sleeping.

That's creepy enough, and it speaks to Seward respecting no boundaries at all with his patient, but the part that sticks out to me most of all is the way this is a direct parallel to a worst-case scenario for Jonathan. Because what is described above is quite simply: the captor, having noticed his captive is keeping notes that he doesn't understand, forces his captive into a vulnerable unconscious state and takes said notes to read and use for his own purposes.

Isn't that exactly what Jonathan lived in such dread of happening, all that time? If Dracula had ever spotted Jonathan writing in his journal, I'm sure it would have happened. And while he wouldn't understand the exact meaning of the shorthand (much the same way Seward doesn't initially understand all Renfield's figures) the gist of the idea would be communicated (he'd realize Jonathan is keeping a secret record and the implications of that, much the same way Seward here is able to finally put together the pieces and figure out Renfield's general ideas). And what comes next? Well, it wouldn't be good for Jonathan, obviously.

Seward doesn't punish Renfield for what he discovers. Not directly. But his reaction is just as terrible because the realization tempts him all the more to indulge his 'mad scientist' instincts. He wants to make a name for himself via Renfield's heretofore unknown madness, and it doesn't really matter how Renfield feels about that or is treated in pursuit of that. Oh, sure, he confines himself here to speculation about whether it might not be worth it to see how far he'd go - tells himself I must not think of this. And yet he's incredibly attracted to the idea (re:dracula did so well with putting voice to how EAGER he is and how reluctantly he pulls himself back - and then only partially before dipping his toes in again), and is already behaving well outside of any appropriate motivation. And so... while Renfield isn't going to suffer in the same way Jonathan would have from the discovery of his diary, he still is worse off. By completing his long-awaited thought and coming up with a name for Renfield ("a zoöphagous (life-eating) maniac") Seward has fully finished shifting him into a mental category entirely separate from all the other patients, and it's definitely not one that has his best interests in mind. He's possessive, too invested, dehumanizing (yesterday's "my friend" has become today's "my homicidal maniac"), and it's all just not good for either one of them.

I think Seward realizes that this isn't good for his own mental health as well, but he can't help longing for it. This is getting more into just me musing aloud here, but... A while ago he spoke about relative dangers of selfish vs. unselfish people, and concluded that people who dedicate themselves to a duty are more dangerous because they throw themselves in fully. And yet that's something he seems to be longing for:

If only there were a sufficient cause! I must not think too much of this, or I may be tempted; a good cause might turn the scale with me, for may not I too be of an exceptional brain, congenitally?

He knows that he is susceptible to that kind of temptation, to ignore all moral qualms for the sake of (making a name for himself with) Science. And he's trying to pull himself back from that brink... but a part of him wants nothing more than to find a cause worthy enough to do it anyway. He wants to dedicate himself fully to something important. He knows that he isn't entirely normal himself, and that once he gave in there would be no turning back. The idea appeals to him, even as it repels him - which in itself is very vampiric, actually. It's like the idea of finding a "sufficient cause" is his own trance which he must try to resist.

And the way he thinks of Lucy right after this seems telling to me. Perhaps he hoped that Lucy would balance him out, would help pull him away from these kinds of impulses, would make him Normal in a way he can't be on his own. But she didn't pick him, in fact she picked a man who is also much more Normal, and they're both wonderful and happy together. And he's happy for them, of course, but it leaves him on the outside. And on the other hand there's Renfield, who seems fully lost (and happy to be so) inside his own mad devotion to his cause. Seward seems to be pining after both Lucy and Renfield in this entry. Not romantically for Renfield, but they represent to him opposite extremes. Lucy is the life he could have if he didn't feel so drawn to odd and amoral ideas; Renfield is the fulfillment he could feel if he didn't feel sufficiently sane to let morals hold him back from indulging those urges. He knows Lucy doesn't love him back (symbolically: that he can't ever be fully normal) and that Renfield isn't someone to imitate (symbolically: that he can't let himself give in fully), so he's just stuck teetering between them at the moment. Of course, with Lucy's rejection leading him to isolate himself in his work (and away from his friends who also pull him back more to better behavior) he keeps tipping more and more towards becoming mad himself in his own way. But he still retains enough control over himself to feel bad about it and refuse to indulge himself fully... even as he fails to notice, or simply doesn't care, just how badly he's already failing to act in Renfield's own interests.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

I'm doing reading at the moment for American Civil War and Canadian Confederation stuff and I just need to go key smash a little so pardon this but I've got Canada's peace, order, and good government versus America's life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness stuck in my head now and it's driving me mad because... Well. Talk about parallels eh.

I was wondering if you consider it a good way to distinguish between Alfred and Matthew's approach to nationhood and their own lives in general, or do you think that was something more imposed on them rather than something they genuinely believe in? More Matt really. I'm sure Alfred believes in the latter wholeheartedly. I'm just not sure I buy Matt being that much more conservative than his brother, if that makes sense.

Ahhh very good question. So, in my opinion and read on Canadian history, the words themselves don't quite do the best job defining them and their approach to nationhood, but the interpretations of events and history and other factors that created the situations those phrases came from do.

There is some belief in Matt that fits the aims of 'peace, order and good government' but less because of any sort of British/Tory style conservatism or conservatism as in his reservedness than out of political compromise and certain demographic realities. There are two themes running through Canadian history. 1.) Keep the Americans out. 2.) Keep the Franucks in. Canadians and Canadian politicians looked at the American Civil War and drew the obvious lesson for themselves. The South ceded based on slavery, and efforts to create a Canada out of a handful of colonies had to include the French Canadians because we were still closer to half the population back then than the fifth we are now. Mechanisms had to be built into the new country from the get-go to help guarantee coherent and lasting unity.

Americans love to insist that Canada and the US are identical and Quebec is just French Texas or some other comparison with only surface accuracy but there are inherent differences between the two countries that Matt has to acknowledge. He doesn't have the advantages Alfred has of a country that can eat its own contradictions constantly and live. If he wants to survive in a condition that won't get him annexed or broken and consumed piecemeal by the United States, he has to put emphasis on law, order and both external and internal diplomacy. America fought and survived a Civil War, and Canada turned itself inside out to prevent one. Our motto is sea to sea latinate shit from the bible, but it should be "A good compromise leaves everyone angry." And 'peace, order and good government' is the result of that compromise between French and Anglo and the pro-British and pro-American and pro-'fuck all of you I just want to bring in the wheat'.

Matt values peace and compromises far more than Alfred. He views the world in shades of grey. Alfred and his idealism and power mean he has always felt the ability to do the right thing and always had faith he is doing the right thing, especially in comparison to his father and the British Empire in general. Matt, however, sees him and Arthur as practically the same.

Tldr: The British and American empires are blackholes. 'Peace, order and good government' is the cost of Matt keeping his center of gravity in a position to pull off the necessary maneuvers to keep himself from being sucked in and destroyed.

[theninthdoor]

jaehyun || true personality; tarot reading

✦ General view:

cards: empress (seven of wands reversed), nine of swords (tower), strength

Jaehyun is a very nurturing and warm individual. Not only does he nurture himself - by taking care of his health and physical appearance, but by paying attention to his needs and desires as well -, but he also nurtures the environment and people around him. In reality, he just enjoys being somewhere where love and beauty surround him. Part of that, too, means that he's very sensitive to anything that threatens that scene, and will always try to protect his peace. This could mean as well that he's very protective of those who can't defend themselves, so he either does that for them or provides the support they need in order to become stronger. On the other hand, though, he's the type of person who makes a mountain out of a molehill. Jaehyun becomes stressed very easily, and might even lash out at people in the heat of the moment. On top of that, despite others telling him things aren't as serious as he's making them to be, he won't be able to register that, and will keep on worrying. Additionally, he might be someone who has trouble expressing his deepest thoughts and feelings, and so he bottles everything up until he can't any longer. In those instances, anything might then set him off and his temper completely blows up. To end on a good note, we can see that, even though he has some issues to work through, he's overall a very strong, diplomatic and courageous person. He's got a good amount of self control and compassion, and others might even look up to him as an example of inner strength and self-confidence.

✦ What has influenced his personality the most:

cards: three of swords, hermit, five of swords

It seems like Jaehyun learns a lot from conflict and sadness. Getting his feelings hurt or arguing with someone results in a lot of introspection and, in the end, it leads him to make important changes in his behaviour. In the past, breakups or difficult relationships/friendships might've transformed him in such a significant way that, to this day, we still see reflections of it in his personality. Besides that, spending time alone and putting effort into really understanding himself and his life as a whole, has brought him to where he is at the moment. The process of self-discovery doesn't have a beginning or an end, but he has definitely consciously dived into it and actively continues on his quest for wisdom, knowledge and clarity.

✦ Changeable traits (Traits that aren't set in his personality, and often change): cards: chariot, page of wands, knight of swords

Jaehyun's drive and ambition are some of his main changeable traits. One day he might feel very motivated to move forward with his plans and goals, but on the very next day he can't bring himself to keep going and maintain that previous level of self-discipline. Another thing is his ability to stay active and enthusiastic, specially when it comes to creative pursuits. He might suffer from periods of severe procrastination and pessimism, leading him to abandon ideas and projects that he was working on - at times, though, it can also just be a matter of lacking ideas on how to move forward, and the energy to look for them. Finally, and continuing on with what we've been seeing, being assertive and direct might be difficult for him at times. Jaehyun isn't always capable of finding the willpower and focus to push for what he wants, and to express his individual thoughts and ideas, and, due to that, he might just give up and go along with what others decide.

(Disclaimer: all readings are alleged and for entertainment purposes only.)

[br1ghtestlight]

extremely long analysis of felix and calvin's relationship that i probably put more effort into than the writers did when writing them

obviously their relationship is super unhealthy but im more interested in WHY their relationship is like that and what caused them to behave like that, i dont think its a big surprise that they probably didn't have a good or healthy childhood and experienced abuse and neglect (growing up in a rich and powerful family in 1950s america) and since calvin was the firstborn son his dad probably had very high expectations for him and groomed him from childhood to take over the company and made it his responsibility, calvin was probably a lot closer with his dad and almost certainly his dad made it VERY CLEAR in both life and death that he preferred calvin to felix, not only bcuz calvin is his firstborn son but also because he more effectively fulfills the role of traditional masculinity and structure vs felix who is a lot more dramatic needy and whiney and therefore not what his family needed when it came to their business (this is probably also why he was shipped off to boarding school, his family didn't even want to deal with his existence) and while calvin was favored by their parents that doesnt mean he actually had a good or healthy childhood, his parents most likely didnt play with him or allow him to express emotions or desires and he really was just like groomed to be this perfect responsible child and even if he doesn't fit into that role 100% of the time he still holds himself to the expectation that he has to be perfect or that he just is perfect without trying

ANYWAY i do not personally believe that their mother or father were very interested in actually being parents, they had the expectation of having children bcuz of the time period they were living in and needing to continue on their financial legacy after they were gone but there wasn't like an emotional aspect of loving their children in a healthy way (cant even blame them bcuz that was just society for everyone before like the 1970s) and calvin was mostly raised by like maids and nannys while his parents worked or just fucked off for weeks at a time and when felix was born he required a lot more emotional nurturing and love that his parents physically could not give him and so calvin was essentially given the expectation that he would raise felix when he was like only eight or nine years old himself, obviously their workers would take care of stuff like feeding them and diaper changes but any emotional connection or actual guidance in life was given to felix by calvin rather than his parents which was NOT great for either of them!!!!

basically there was a lot of parentification going on with calvin and felix which leads to felix both being jealous that calvin got something he never did (his parents love respect and attention even if it was not healthy for him) and also feeling like he needs to impress calvin and that he needs his approval and support in everything he does, he is CLEARLY emotionally immature having spent his entire life being taken care of and babied by calvin rather than actually facing consequences for his actions or having any real freedom or control and calvin never seeing him as an equal or giving him respect is both something that he depends upon and something he desperately wants to escape

calvin still feels the need to control every aspect of felix's life even when he's an adult like he controls where felix lives/when he sleeps/what he's allowed to eat and his finanical pursuits, i do believe calvin is coming from a good place when he does this bcuz he's been brought up to believe that felix was his responsibility and he probably is right that felix has very little self control or real world experience, and if he was left to his own devices he would probably fuck up his life in ways we cant even imagine bcuz he's very stupid and immature, but by denying felix the right to be an actual adult with agency over his own life he's created this weird baby man who is completely out of touch with reality and has no responsibilities

it is also true that felix CAN do things that he wants to do, he doesn't actually need to follow calvin's rules or instructions he could just leave and get a job buy his own house and live his own life but he either consciously or subconsciously doesn't want that level of control bcuz never had it before

felix feels like he's never been respected or treated like a real adult by calvin (or his parents but they're dead so less relevant) and he's desperate to prove that he IS responsible he IS mature and capable of taking care of himself and making his own decisions, whether that be opening his own nightclub or murdering calvin and taking over the company, he both needs calvin's approval and respect in everything he does and wants to be the sole focus of calvin's attention (something he never got from his parents) but despises how calvin babies him and doesn't take him seriously

calvin obviously feels a lot of responsibility for felix's actions and believes that he has to be the one who takes care of him and makes sure that nothing bad happens to him bcuz that is what their parents always told him, if felix commits a crime its up to calvin to cover it up or help him escape he doesn't ever hold felix responsible for his actions bcuz in some way he is ALSO responsible for everything felix does, if felix tries to murder someone and calvin doesn't stop him then it is also calvin's fault in the way that everything a toddler does is in some way the byproduct of the parents bcuz toddlers are too young to really understand the implications of what they are doing and need to be controlled by someone, but the problem with this is that FELIX IS A MIDDLE AGED MAN WHO NEVER GOT THE FREEDOM TO MAKE MISTAKES OR EXPERIENCE CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS ACTIONS (and in many ways this is bcuz they both grew up extremely rich and never had to deal with the stuff that normal people would in the same situation, money makes everything easier)

felix always knew that calvin was the favorite son and now that their parents are dead and he never got their approval the next best thing he can get is calvin's approval, this results in a really toxic cycle of felix doing something incredibly stupid or expensive to prove to calvin that he's important and responsible or that he is capable of taking care of himself, when he ends up failing bcuz of his own lack of experience instead of facing consequences or learning calvin comes to his rescue and makes all the bad things go away so that felix doesn't get in trouble bcuz he feels that felix is his responsibility, rinse and repeat and thats FINE bcuz they're stupid idiot rich cartoon characters but generally not the healthiest relationship for either of them!!!!!

calvin feels responsibility for felix and his actions bcuz he basically raised him, treats him not like an independent person but like a small child he still needs to protect, calvin gets angry that he isn't being respected while simultaneously looking up to calvin and craving his approval as if he were his actual parental guardian and starts acting out

i do think underneath this toxic and unhealthy dynamic there is genuine love on both sides of this relationship and im sure they have happy memories together and games they used to play when they were kids, calvin and felix DO love each other and care for each other in a very real way, it actually might be the only genuine emotional connection in either of their lives but bcuz of their unwillingness to challenge each other or improve as people (mostly bcuz they're rich assholes) their relationship will always be extremely fucked up bcuz part of loving someone and having a relationship with them IS!!!! improving yourself bcuz of them, challenging yourself and respecting them as a person which is something these brothers clearly have no ability to do

[philcoulsonismyhero]

🌈 👁️💝 🌨️ 💙 for sam!

🌈 - Do you associate any colours with them?

Sam has a couple of colours. The main jokey one is orange, because he's very ginger, and when I was playing him in the campaign the other party members did refer to him as 'the orange man' a few times, which was amusing. But outfit-wise it's white and light blue, since he's first and foremost a doctor and those are the usual colours of irl doctors' coats and scrubs. In-universe, those are the equivalent of red and white as The Medic Colours, and Sam pretty much always wears them because he wants people to know at a glance that he can help. And then the last colour is the colour of his magic, which is typically a warm, sunshine sort of yellow.

👁️ - How do other people perceive this oc? How close do their first assumptions come to the truth?

I don't think people take Sam very seriously to begin with, or at least don't expect much from him. He's gangly and a bit uncoordinated, he's got floppy hair and awkward-looking ears, and yes he's usually wearing medic colours but that just makes him come off as a friendly local doctor type. He looks like the sort of guy who's good with kids and putting people at their ease and knows his way around a bandage, but there's very little about him that makes people think he's in any way tough or emotionally equipped to handle serious danger.

And the thing is, Sam is generally a friendly, cheerful, non-threatening kind of guy, people aren't wrong about that. But you put him under stress, especially when other people's lives are at stake, and suddenly it turns out he's got nerves of absolute steel and is used to being The Guy In Charge in medical contexts. The man was a battlefield surgeon for years and he can switch that back on when he has to, and it tends to really surprise people because he's the dad jokes, sweets in his pockets, tripping over his own feet guy most of the time. So people generally get pretty close to the mark with their impressions of Everyday Sam, but it's rare that someone picks up on his more pragmatic side straight away.

💝 - How much effort do they put into appearances? Do they have a favourite article of clothing?

Sam isn't hugely concerned with how he looks, except in specific contexts where it matters to get people to take him seriously. His clothes are usually old and travelworn but well-maintained (he's very good with a needle and thread) and as clean as he can manage in his circumstances. Most of his money goes into medical supplies, and he doesn't like wasting it on things that don't have a purpose. So he'd buy good quality boots, for instance, because that's practical, but cheerfully make do with the same patched-up trousers he's been wearing for years. Also, the reason he keeps his hair the length it is is that it's easy to maintain and he can just chop an inch or two off every once in a while. Same with the stubble - he stayed clean shaven when he was an army doctor out of a need to look presentable, but once he's an adventurer he finds it a waste of time to shave more than once or twice a week and when he's been particularly busy he can end up in short beard territory without really noticing.

I don't know if he's got a specific favourite article of clothing, he tends not to be very precious about his clothes because of all the various substances that a doctor can end up getting on himself. But he did develop an appreciation for the practicality of spats while he was with the military, so you can usually find him wearing those so he doesn't have to deal with getting mud or blood out of his bootlaces.

🌨️ - If this oc had a day free from all their responsibilities, how would they spend it?

That's a very good question, because I don't know if he knows. When he was a kid, he was a huge reader, but that was mostly non-fiction and mostly in pursuit of learning as much as possible because he decided very young that he wanted to be a doctor. (He kind of attached himself to the doctor who used to help out at the orphanage he grew up in, and the man was too busy to adopt a child but he did take up a very deliberate mentor role in his life.) Spending years in the high stress environment of a military field hospital turned him into someone who Has to be Doing Something, and he's got a very bad habit of going and finding more responsibilities when he's at a loose end. But I think if you sat him down and told him that under no circumstances was he allowed to try and be useful to someone else today, he'd probably take himself out for a walk in the nearest middle of nowhere that he could find and spend the whole day looking at interesting rocks and clouds and trees. He'd also happily go for a walk through a town or a city and look at interesting things, but that's an environment in which he'd have to actively stop himself from trying to help people out and that would be stressful, so leaves and moss and butterflies it is. He's incurably curious about the world around him, and he's never happier than when he gets to Look At Stuff and Learn Things. Actually, on that note, he would fucking Love museums of any kind, he could spend a whole day in a single natural history museum, no problem whatsoever.

💙 - Describe their bedroom! Is it personalized, unchanged? Messy, neat?

When he's doing the adventuring thing, Sam obviously doesn't have a bedroom. But he has had a bedroom at a couple of points in his life, and he generally lives in a state of organised chaos. No one else could tell you where to find anything in all that mess, but Sam knows Exactly where everything is. That was the same whether it was the area around his bed in the orphanage, or the room he eventually moved out to over his mentor's doctor's practice (which eventually became his practice as well once he was fully trained). He's never had a lot of personal belongings, though, so most of the clutter was always books. When his 'bedroom' was half a tent in a hospital camp, he still managed to get books and probably also socks all over it, but I don't think he ever went out of his way to personalise his space. It's not that he thought it was a temporary situation, he didn't want to be there but was still determined to stick it out until the end of the war when he was no longer needed, it's more that he never really spend a lot of time there. It was just a place to sleep, and he had more important things to think about. Sam's not very good at thinking about himself, tbh. He probably would have benefited from making his space a bit more pleasant in any way he could, but that would have taken time and mental bandwidth away from thinking about his patients. He probably encouraged the other doctors to personalise their tents, the big well-meaning hypocrite, but he never got around to it himself.

Ask me OC questions!

[v-arbellanaris]

I've been trying to really understand why I don't like Sera and I think it's because she never really had any sort of development/growth as a person(?) Especially when we find out the vallaslin were slave markings, she takes great pleasure in putting down the dalish elves/dalish inquisitor. Add to the fact that she's literally reducing Celene and Brialas conflict to "lovera quarrell" despite the fact that Celene literally killed 3000 elves.

I get that her upbringing made her like this but god, I really can't stand her sometimes. And the fact that she breaks up with you if you want to pursuit/learn more about the elves/mythal is just so jejsjensjdnfjrjen

i think sera's character is like... the premise behind her character is actually fairly easy to understand; she's an elf who grew up with a lot of internalised racism as the result of being raised by a human. and there's a lot to relate to that, but i think the problem is that she wasn't written by someone who might have done that research? a lot of her story is sort of muddled or pushed towards codexes or just really difficult to parse the nuances of (i think, partly, because sera is white in-game; i think it would be much easier to clock a lot of sera's issues as being related to internalised racism if she was a person of colour in game, but i don't trust lukas kristjanson with that; he's NOTORIOUS for writing lesbians in the most aggravating, lesbophobic way imho).

but celene slaughtering the halamshiral alienage is something no one tells the inquisitor about; you only know the truth if you read TME. in game, the game frames it as briala's fault. so the terrible writing for WEWH, and celene and briala specifically, are less about sera and more about how they dealt with celene and briala in-game in general.

re: liking sera, no one is forcing you to, and even i sometimes get a sera banter that just makes my eye twitch. but she does grow and she does start to change; she's really young, and i think in general, i'd like to have grace for people younger than me to be stupid and make mistakes, to allow them the room to admit they're wrong and to grow. internalised racism is really the ugliest kind of poison, and that self-hatred costing her a relationship with lavellan, is kind of realistic; this self-hatred is destructive. and there's no logic behind internalised racism, only what you're fed and told and repeat, so i don't find it a problem when her arguments don't make sense because most bigoted rhetoric doesn't. the ugly parts of her character - that smugness you're referring to for example - are a reflection of the culture that taught her to hate herself.

and it can get tiring to see or interact with, which is sometimes my case with sera. but i don't need her story to represent my story to see the value in it.

@anneapocalypse has a really great meta series that was really enlightening for sera, for me. sera does make an effort in the base game. and finally, there's more hope for sera growth; there's some rare trespasser banter here that's relevant re: sera breaking up with lavellan over her religious beliefs.

[kitkatt0430]

3, 6, 8, 10, and 11 for the fanfic ask game!

3.) What is the most amount of research you’ve done for the smallest detail? What was the detail and how much time/effort went into researching it?

I've put time into researching the different types of power of attorney for a few different fics, though I put the most time into it for Hello Hadley. I also put quite some time into finding out the requirements for getting a PI's license for Anya only to decide that she was just gonna circumvent the system.

I don't really know how much time I put into those, but definitely several hours of googling stuff and deciding how much of it would actually go into the fic.

6.) What is your favorite type of feedback to receive (favorites/kudos, comments, DMs, complete and utter silence in the pursuit of remaining unperceived?)? If comments or DMs or anything else involving a reader writing, do you have a particular type of feedback that excites you more than other types?

Comments definitely, though kudos are a close second.

I especially love getting comments that mention the commentor's favorite part (or parts) of the fic. Rambling comments because they enjoyed it so much. But honestly, I know how anxiety-inducing it can be to leave a comment sometimes, so I'm excited for any type of comment I receive. I get ridiculously happy for them, even if sometimes it takes me a while to respond.

(That morning kudos email, though... I get one of those and it makes me smile all morning.)

8.) Is there a story idea you have that you would love if it could appear fully realized but that you do not think you’ll ever write yourself?

In high school I started a Tales of Symphonia fanfic where Zelos was much more deeply embedded in the Renegades. I wrote some side stories for it and I'd desperately love to finally write it all out, but... I have not made any progress on it since college. It would have covered from Zelos as a pre-teen, meeting Yuan because he ran away from the Tower of Salvation, hoping the angels would kill him so his sister could be the Chosen. Though her being half-elven and half of the wrong lineage, she's not actually second in line to be Chosen. (He had a very difficult childhood.) He's lucky that the angel who finds him is Yuan, who takes him to the Renegade Base and convinces Zelos that what would help his sister more is to topple the system that destroyed their parents lives.

Zelos goes back to his life of the Chosen, but with a new resolve. As the Chosen of the flourishing world, he's considered for candidacy for the real organization of Cruxis and Yuan makes sure he gets in. So in one part of Zelos' life, he's traveling to Dherris Kharlan regularly to see if he gets his wings and a permanent place in Cruxis, in the other he's sixteen now and politically active, trying to make Tethe'alla a better place for half elves with the support of the elder of the two princesses, who just so happens to also be the person the Church has arranged for Zelos to marry to carry on the Chosen bloodline. They're genuinely in love - something Zelos' parents very much didn't get - but of course tragedy strikes when they're eighteen and the pope has the princess assassinated. The attempt was intended to take out Zelos too, but... it fails. His best friend from Cruxis makes sure Zelos doesn't do anything stupid and winds up recruited into the Renegades as a result.

Zelos doesn't stop trying to help half elves, but takes his support into the shadows, perfecting the public persona he has in the game while teaming up in the background with his sister's aunt who runs a loose organization for helping at risk half elves escape. The problem is, of course, that her being his sister's aunt also means that she's the sister of the woman who murdered Zelos' mother - who was aiming to murder Zelos and missed. They do wind up becoming close friends because she very much disagrees with her sister's choices, but it takes time for them to learn to really trust each other.

By the time Zelos enters the events of the game, he's already neck deep both in overthrowing Cruxis with the Renegades and trying to overthrow the pope more locally so that he no longer has to worry about Seles being used against him if he became more politically active again. Openly politically active, anyway. So he still plays the triple agent he did in canon, but he's a bit at odds with Yuan over the Renegades backing the attempted assassination of the Sylvarantian Chosen - he's the Chosen too, he's not going to be okay with just killing that girl.

Meanwhile it would have filled out the backstory of the Renegades and established a number of OCs to build up the organization's leadership beyond just Yuan and Botta. And done the same for Cruxis, demonstrating that a lot of the angels aren't necessarily bad people. They've led difficult lives and suffered under prejudice so heavily that when offered a way out... it's no wonder they took it, even if it meant in some cases compromising their morals.

It would have gone post canon too, including a reinterpretation of the sequel, but... yeah, I was waaaay too ambitious with this at a time when I did not know my own limits as a writer.

10.) If you could banish a single trope to live at the bottom of the ocean, never to be seen again by any human eyes (or at least your own), which trope would that be?

Hanahaki disease. While I've seen a few that aren't awful, it's a massively amatonormative trope and I find it way worse than soulmates in that regard. It has such a feeling of 'blaming the object of desire'... or shaming them into requiting feelings. The whole thing just kinda creeps me out. And not even the versions where there's 'surgery' to cut the feelings out, as it were, make it better. I don't know, it just seems worse? Like this character has to undergo surgery to keep from basically killing yourself with flowers? All because they can't deal with unrequited feelings? I just... flowers are such beautiful things to me, but there's something very ugly and entitled about this trope.

11.) Conversely, if you had to pick a single trope to read for the next seven-and-half years, which trope would that be?

Enemies/rivals to lovers. I really enjoy the dynamic of two people who think they hate each other discovering they actually love everything about one another. I like it better than friends to lovers because so often it kinda treats the friendship like it was never more than a stepping stone to the romance, which just annoys me. Enemies/rivals to lovers though? It's gonna have that belligerent UST I enjoy so much. Hartmon, Coldflash, Coldwest, etc... definitely a lot of fics out there that capitalize on that trope.

[strwberri-milk]

Could you do headcanons of Emperor Kaeya with a Harem that includes Khaenrian Nobility and "Nobility" from the other seven nations that were conquered, because his father forced him to, after the Alberich Dynasty was founded, Khaenri'ah triumph over the seven nations and the archons, after he betrayed Mondstadt once finding out some hidden truth?

How would he deal with that?

this might be?? not what you were looking for and is a little angstier?? it really reflects how i see kaeya and his conceptions of mondstat vs. khaenriah and stuff but yes yes its very interesting - also - i dont quite see him having a harem of his own accord but i have incorporated it bc i think it might be interesting if you wanna see my take on it long story short i hope kaeya lives pls dont kill him genshin

Kaeya didn't expect to be back here, sitting on his Father's throne ordering around his Father's troops. It's not too unlike the cavalry back at home, sorry, Mondstat, so he supposes it's a good thing that he's got the experience.

The Gnoses sit somewhere behind him, displayed in a case for all to see and fear. It's a reminder of what they've accomplished together. What he accomplished to prove his worthiness for the throne.

(He doesn't want the throne. Not at all. But not wanting it was more dangerous then "wanting" it.)

It haunts him, every day. He's able to hide it all - he's had a lifetime of practice after all. He's got a lovely smile, the prettiest face, the most charming tongue. Once again, he's got adoring fans, this time both admiring him and his family's legacy.

His Father is proud for once. He no longer looks at Kaeya with a pained look, something far beneath the surface that Kaeya can't place. The little boy who was abandoned inside of him rejoices, pushing him to do more. Be better. Conquer more. Do everything he can to make his Father continue to smile down on him, praise him for his efforts.

That means Kaeya puts up with any and everything, his more rational side falling to the wayside if it means doing what he thinks needs to be done.

His Father gave him a harem, adding to it every once in a while when he finds someone "worthy" of Kaeya's time. Whatever that means. Unfortunately for him, Kaeya finds the pursuit useless.

The dead way they look at him, or false niceties, fear, whatever it is. It deeply unsettles him as he knows their "adoration" is not true. It's not born of anything meaningful, and it sickens him to see them and know that they're stuck here because of him.

His guilt eats at him, mixing in with the guilt of all the fallen nations that have been doomed by his hand. He can't do much to alleviate it, rarely visiting his harem and instead making sure they're well cared for in his absence. He's not stupid - he knows what the goal of the harem is but there's nothing inside of him that's willing to do something he feels so disgusting, unsure if he could even bring a child born of love into the world if this is what is set out for it.

He wishes for the nth time that things were simpler, staring out the window of his bedroom after excusing himself from his daily tasks. He's clinging onto some thin thread of hope desperately, praying that someone will hear him and let him wake up from this nightmare, wishing that he was able to make his own choice rather than being forced into one side.

He's reminded again of the irony. Khaenri'ah just wanted freedom, the ability to live as they pleased and escape the tyranny of the Seven. Yet, here they are doing exactly what they were fighting against without showing mercy.

Perhaps there are a few people he can talk to. Maybe Khaenri'ah's legacy was one that was always doomed to fail.

[riding-with-the-wild-hunt]

Thank you sm! I love ur view of the Silm characters. As that is the case, any Maedhros headcanons?

no thank-yous necessary, it's really my pleasure! i'm just flattered that you feel so positively towards my interpretations :)

same format approach as before: tamer headcanons are above the cut and the grimmer/more graphic stuff is underneath.

he has pretty large age differences with most of his brothers, so his role tended much more towards the parental than the sibling-y.

at Valinor-era family functions, he was always designated caretaker for the younger crowd.

as a result, he found it a lot harder to make friends with his younger cousins because they tended to not really see him as a peer (he and Fingon originally got close because they both got the i-love-my-younger-siblings-but-sometimes-i-wish-i-were-an-only-child thing).

in fact, other than Fingon, most of his cousins don't really like him (authority figure, no fun, blah blah blah), which was kind of rough for Mae to deal with as a teenager.

he's the most into traditional scholarship out of all his siblings! pre-Beleriand, he was the kind of person who would write a dissertation for fun.

he originally wanted to go into academia or medicine, not politics.

he loves animals, though he's pretty quiet about it because it's kind of Celegorm's thing and Celegorm a. doesn't like sharing and b. it feels like intruding

he isn't charismatic or charming in a typical way. i think he's actually pretty shy and awkward! Maglor tries to coach him into being suave, but it never sticks. but he's funny (once you can get him past monosyllables,) and he's kind, and he's good-looking, which makes up for a lot in the eyes of Valinorean society

he starts putting a lot more effort into appearing "nice" and "approachable" post-Thangorodrim, because he has to counteract fear rather than extra attention based on how he looks.

he loves music and singing but isn't especially talented at it. he mostly just listens.

he adores children and wanted to have a family growing up

Nerdanel is his go-to parent for advice. he keeps consulting her in his head up to the end of his life.

post-Angband, he's almost completely blind in one eye and can't see in the dark from either one, due to parts of his eyes being removed as experiments and resulting infections. glasses don't help very much, but he wears them anyways in social situations to seem less intimidating.

he hoards food in secret for most of his adult life. he got so used to never having enough that he can never relax, even when resources are plentiful.

he feels responsible for his brothers swearing the Oath, as well as for their actions in pursuit of it, even the ones he had no part in. he's a relentless self-flagellator over almost anything bad that ever happens and will willingly take blame any time it's offered.

he makes health sacrifices in favor of trying to look "stronger" and provide more reassurance to his follower. he's always pushing past his physical limits (i.e. he almost never walks with a cane, he goes out on patrol more times than his soldiers, he purposely stays in rooms on upper floors so he has to climb stairs, etc.)

he honestly hopes he's going to the Void when he dies. he thinks he deserves it and it's what's best for the world, because he's obviously a cowardly, destructive, weak person and shouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.

the only promise he ever broke to Fingon was to not blame himself if Fingon died.

over the years in Beleriand, his relationships with his brothers gradually get worse and worse--they resent that he's kind of a broken record about everything being their fault, and he's afraid of hurting them by being too close.

anyways, i hope you liked these! feel free to share any of your own too! :)

[crossxskulled]

Aight so! I wanna get the main breakdown here underway, basically how this Ryuji interp here plays itself out. This mainly refers to post-P5 Royal events.

I'm taking a mesh of that and some liberties from Scramble to really get the angle set for him. In short, I wanna get the main part out of the way. Ryuji at this point made good on his word and wound up getting a place of his own in lieu of his goals.

When truly thinking about it when it comes to possibilities, he doesn't intend to take some 2nd place measure in pursuit of his dream.

Thanks to the granted connections made not only through the Phantom Thieves, but making good on getting in contact with his old coach, topped with a bunch of love and support from his ma, the transition actually drives forward right on schedule.

A lot of this time spent with Ryuji having primarily phone/media based contact with his friends outside of a few meet ups. Within this year he wholly dedicates on the task on balancing physical therapy on top of his schooling, beating less around the bush in crappy grades as that fire is properly lit up in his veins again. He's actually out here giving a damn, giving a genuine effort and man does it give results.

Ryuji holds a modest apartment in tandem to picking up a job through said connections (hc for another day), on top of a good amount of savings made from the Phantom Thieving business. The majority he put his use to was to help him through physical rehab payments, schooling and getting a good foot on the ground so to speak. Not to mention getting a move organized for his mother as well, both of them living apart yet not too far from each other.

The decision finally leave that old apartment all the memories, wonderful and horrid was finally solidified after he dropped the news of his plan to her.

Success would be the name of his game as news of not only his return, but the newest strides that easily broke old records would be hitting both the papers and media outlets from the new (unnamed for now) school that partakes in before graduation. His future of entering the sports realm and taking it to the professional level is finally being brought back to light again, edging away from the grim realities Kamo/shida intended to keep him suffocated under. His recovery managed to reach record levels of improvement thanks to his consistent dedication and more solidified balance in his regimen thanks to a lot of added effort with his old coach.

This is where he's primarily centered in my mainstay for Rps (outside of the story adventures at Shujin). I still got some finer details I'ma iron out over the course, but I want to focus on adventures that give him a lot more breathing room in terms of not only what he can do, but also be caught doing, so on and so forth. It's also around this point of time where he also partakes in his adventures in P5 Scramble.

Naturally it just has a couple of switch ups from the base content as he's not only a Shujin student any longer, but also has a better grip on his level of organization.

[theworldisquietheretooquiet]

Now that I know you are also a fan, could I request any of the prompts from the list you might like to write for Larnach’s daughter?

-@outofangband

Thank you!!

It doesn't exactly fit any of the prompts sorry, but I wanted to write it. It could work for 'the shadows grew long in the forest' or 'seeking the unknown' I guess!

They all have Sindarin names, which isn't really realistic but oh well. Set in Brethil after she goes there. 834 words.

Cw: attempted sexual assualt, some bloodthirsty violence

Duvainel is hunting an animal. The trees grow close here and she must slow her running just a little as she darts through them. But she isn’t worried that her prey will escape. She can hear its breathing, ragged and panicked just up ahead; and if she focuses, she can glimpse the odd flash of skin through the leaves.

Her heartbeat is loud in her ears and sweat drips from her forehead as the ground steadily inclines but Duvainel still runs. The stretch of her muscles, the thwack of her feet on the ground thrills her. A thorned branch slashes her forehead, but she barely feels it. She grips her knife tighter and speeds up her pursuit. She feels how close the animal is to giving up, to falling. It is looking behind desperately for help.

The memory of that sort of fear is a vague thing now and power thrums through her veins.

Her prey stumbles on a root and trips, crying out, to the ground. Duvainel pounces.

The beast fights with all the desperation of a cornered animal, but it is weak and weaponless. It is not a fair fight, Duvainel thinks to herself, with violent amusement as her knife stabs into its gut. Its chest. They never are.

She is just getting ready to deliver the death blow when she hears clapping, and turns around to see Farrien, leaning on a tree nearby.

“Very impressive, Larnach’s daughter.”

Duvainel makes a futile effort to get some of the blood off her hands, then walks over to her friend and grins.

“I was worried I’d lost him at the stream, but he made such a great clammer through the thicket, it was almost too easy.”

Farrien laughs and her eyes are bright, shining with the joy of the hunt as Duvainel assumes her own are.

At that moment, Prestadis appears from the other direction and approaches them, smiling too.

“I told you a knife would be sufficient, didn’t I?” Duvainel gives her an exaggerated eye roll but acquiesces.

“Yes, you were right. An axe would have been too cumbersome.”  

The animal begins to whimper softly and Farrien scowls, walking towards it and delivering a hard kick to its side. It falls silent.

“Finish it off Duvainel, won’t you. That way we can be back at the settlement before dark. There are worst things than this filth in the woods after nightfall.”

She nods and makes her way back over to her prey, bends down and places her knife against its neck.

She looks at his torn and destroyed clothes and smiles slowly. When he had arrived at the banquet last night, he had clearly been so proud of them. As he had greeted his friends, he’d stood with a strange posture to accentuate his outfit. Duvainel and Farrien, from where they sat across the room, had made eye contact right at that moment, and had to stifle their laughs.

She had not been laughing later when he had come into the kitchen as she was washing the plates. She had smiled at him and thanked him, for his kindness at bringing her the remaining cups. Afterwards she had wondered how she could have been so foolish.

As soon as he had brushed too close to her, as he put them in the sink, she had known what was about to happen. She could not think what to do. There were no woods to escape through. No bright-eyed Elf-men to rescue her. But just as she was standing, paralysed by terror, thinking how this was meant to be a safe place, Prestadis had walked in.

The man had scowled only for a moment before bowing, smirking at her, and walking away.

Both Farrien and Prestadis had held her all night, as she vomited and cried. Then, just as the first rays of sun were appearing they had turned to her and said: “Do you want to see how the women of Haleth’s House deal with men like that?”

Duvainel presses her knife harder against the animal’s neck and watches as a crimson droplet appears. Then in one quick, savage motion she slashes his throat. The hot, red blood spills onto her hands and something in her chest slots back into place. She laughs in delight.

Farrien pats her on the back and grins. “I’m glad it worked for you, Duvainel.”

“What will we do with the body?” She asks them both, curiously.

Prestadis shrugs. “Burn it and scatter the bones in the river. They will assume orcs attacked him on his way home.”

Duvainel thinks for a moment. “Can I remove his head, first?”

“Oh, Duvainel,” says Farrien. “You are going to fit in.”

Prestadis offers her her knife since it’s the sharpest, but even with it, it’s slow, gruesome work. She collapses back on her knees as she finally finishes, setting the head on the ground in front of her.

“So,” says Prestadis. “How do you feel now, Duvainel?”

She smiles. “I feel righteous.”

[perihthiscasual]

Did the adulting today & found out I made a little over $2,000 in 2022... it's hardly a scratch on the surface, when compared.

I knew getting into it would be tough - I have a luxury that very, very few do, & that's the ability to put my full effort into things like this knowing that the outcome is very possible to be... just that. I don't have to worry about the bills not being paid, or the roof over my head being removed. Some grocery trips are slim & that's okay.

But I am very grateful & well-aware of just how lucky & fortunate I am in this kind of situation.

But it also takes a huge weight on me to know that... it's literately that small. It's hardly a pinch. & it's not fair for my partner in retrospect.

He's never bothered by it. He's nothing but unrelenting support & hype when it comes to doing what I do & what I love. But the overwhelming feeling of being a burden to his life style - an anchor down from other opportunities or something of that nature - he swears it's never the case but that doesn't stop the guilt or understanding that, he does, in fact, have an option to live a more comfortable life.

These thoughts tend to get the better of me somedays - especially when numbers are involved (buying our home was a nightmare for me, & taxes every year - even prior content creation are something that send a hollow hold on my chest. I've never succeeded in finding any full-time opportunities & the part-times are always 20 or less hours - or just beneath 40 to keep me from full-time payroll that I just break & leave). We've never had to owe anything minus one year when I found out my employer did not tax me for the entire first year I worked for them - a nasty incident, but, aside from that - we always get barely a second paycheck in turn for our yearly refund.

But shitty US tax law & returns aside...

I thought I had made a jump between 2021 & 2022 in streaming. I genuinely felt like I made a noticeable difference in my presentation, my schedule, my output. But the numbers show otherwise that I'm still not.. quite there. Hardly moved, really.

& it makes me fearful for 2023.

With the rebrand finally done, it's a weight lifted that I can move forward comfortably & confidently without the Bungie sticker stuck to my foot. But lately even my Tiktoks have been a shot in the dark - is it the content? the hours its posting? wrong tags? Am I still messing up to such a degree that I've stunted my own growth?

It's hard to tell. I've been digging at my analytics on all of my accounts - & I can't find where the decline starts. What is excused primarily as RNG can only be so much - there has to be SOMETHING I can do to change the pace & find traction.

But I really don't want this to be a third year in a row of maximum effort, minimum reward. Nor do I want to devalue my content creation in any way that some may view it as not worthwhile. I would never want to put out any less for those who've stuck with me thus far & those who haven't even found me yet. As someone who wants to pursue this - I want to be worth your time.

I was recommended an application for a job over the summer.

It would mean a change in stream-times, if it somehow miraculously succeeds; but I'm not holding myself to it. Yet if it does.. somehow. Monetarily, it would be a noticeable change. But I worry it would cause my content creation to fall flat. Gods, I really, really don't want it to fall flat after dedicating a sole two years.

But I don't want to play the risk that isn't trying to maintain a reliable income VS continuing my creation pursuit. At the very, very least - I owe it to Kashil to try.

Pardon my nightly thoughts. I had to get them out somewhere.

[ebbing-terror]

Does Lynn possess any goals she wants to achieve in life?

"Uuugh...I hate questions like this!!..."

《《Too bad, Lynn. I love them. 👀👀👀😫😫😫》》

Well, as mentioned before- Lynn was, for a long time, to a degree, quite a people pleaser. She was always thinking about what people in her circle wanted and for most of her life she put aside her own wishes and focused on making those around her happy while ignoring and suppressing her own problems and needs. Lynn didn't know what she wanted for a long time...It was a forgotten feeling.

Lynn doesn't have any real big, grand goals. She doesn't commit herself to any organizations because she feels trying to 'fix' the world is a pointless effort and finds alot of things pointless...Was there even a point in wanting anything?...

With that said, Lynn lives day to day with the only real pursuit being happiness.

Others tend to look down upon Lynn for her carelessness and irresponsible ways and frown upon her for not acting like an adult at all. (I.e. Setting five year plans, going after education or a career or showing intrest in marriage and children.) Lynn doesn't like questions about the future because that's often a gateway for others to belittle her for not living up to their standards but by her own observations she really doesn't know anyone who is truly happy with their lives, chasing goals and aspirations others set for them under the guise of what one is 'supposed' to do and stressing themselves to death in the process. ( Her ability to see curses and witnessing how they prey upon the emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained furthered Lynn's desire to live as carefree as possible.)

Lynn simply wants to enjoy her life with those she cares about. What's the point of subscribing to living a life of suffering and doing things you don't want to do? Where's the fun in that? Why should suffering mark success? Why sell your life and get little to nothing in return?

If a job gets too tedious she'll quit. If a customer is rude she'll cuss them out. If a situation stresses her out too much she'll cut it off.

Long story short- Lynn just wants to be happy with Mahito (And Junpei in the AU where he's alive.) and do what she wants. She's happy going on adventures and making spaghetti for her creepy hubby.