#keep my fucking job im so exhausted
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I think maybe we wouldnt have to destroy everything to fix everything, maybe baby steps would be enough but one of the problems is the baby steps get kicked before they can even work or theyre halfassed ad dont work anyway. And i dont know what the solution to that is but homesteaders are i think a part of it
#winter speaks#whatever im justbtired#im now fighting about stivky notes at work. i cant remember anything and they help and arent obtrusive#and nobody minds them except the boss that comes in once a week#i sat on the floor yesterday almostbin tears bv i couldnt remember ho to attach a thing to test a part#all it is is hang it down attach a weight to tge bottom amd see if iy twists. maam please im begging i just want to#keep my fucking job im so exhausted#and the factbthat we live in a system that looks at even small occomidations like the biggest inconvenience#thay could possibly happen is getting to me a bit
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Idk who needs to hear this but time and time again isn't over!!!
Webtoon removed the "time and time again will return!!!" Banner and I don't know why, but it's not over!!! There's still another 1/3 of the comic to go! There's a lot more stuff that I'm working on and it'll be coming back soon!
Please be patient with me, I know it's been a long time... But the stuff I'm making is really good and there's a lot of reasons it's taken this long. I promise I want it back more than anyone.
I'm trying to come back around the end of October. I'm doing my best to get everything ready in time, so no promises, but I'm on track to do so! I'm just one person writing and drawing everything, and my editor was fired so I'm not even getting any notes anymore. It's literally just me. I'm doing my best I promise!
#im so frustrated that banner has been gone#and people think the comic is over because of that#which is reasonable to think#but it... idk#its already an uphill battle to try snd retain audience after a hiatus this long#let alone when webtoon is actively building thr expectation that theres no need to come back...#im so frustrated#every day there is something new with them its so exhausting#this isnt even the thing I've been majorly stressed about this is a fresh new frustration#i feel like they're not just being unhelpful#at this point i feel like theyre actively sabotaging my career.#im not allowed to promote my books#i can't make my links too big so no one can find me#people dont even know i have a patreon#i can't make any announcements on the comic#and now people think th whole thing is over and it isnt!#im so ;_;#im so frustrated and demoralized#and people complete reasonably are losing patience and interest#and. ah... it's fine. like genuinely it is fine.#it will come back soon and i am doing a good job#and everyone who sees it's back will be happy with what ive done#cause it's good. its really good...#but. yeah. idk. webtoon has been actively keeping me down since the beginning and im so over them#I've been so mistreated aysudjejjdjdjdj#i just want to finish the series and go ;_;#taking all my power to not **** ******#just gotta power through and get the fuck out#text post#update
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#meg talks#tmi gross medical stuff ig#oh but also#emeto warning#menstruation warning#tried to put on my hip brace and the compression or the way i moved made me spasm so bad i puked#i can’t keep fucking doing this man im nearly out of leave time#and im so physically exhausted it’s a struggle to stay awake even after like 10 hours of sleep#and my period has been going for like a fucking month straight#what is going ON#‘’you have long covid’’ ‘’you need to see a gyno’’ ‘’you need steroid shots’’ ‘’you need physical therapy’’ ‘’you need a wfh job’’#‘’you need a ground floor apartment’’ ‘’you need to eat better’’ ‘’you need new meds’’#‘’you need to take more regular vacations to rest’’ ‘’you need to stress less’’#well where the FUCK do i get the money for any of these things#like what am i supposed to do abt any of these problems without money. or a college degree ig but that comes back to money#i just want a wfh job where i can be part of a union… or even union staff… i don’t want to give up the fight…#sigh.
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does anyone have any advice on how to feel alive again
#me @ me: no one cares#sorry to keep depression posting i just dont know what to do#its hard to stay positive when everything feels so fucking bad all the time#covid shit is stressing me out. election shit sucks so bad. my health is bad my mental illnesses are mental illnessing#and if one more person at my stupid fucking job makes a fucking comment about my fucking mask im actually going to start killing#im so serious. i really cant do this anymore#why dont people care about other people it makes no sense#why are people so fucking horrible to each other. everything is so fucking horrible#one of my coworkers literally right now has covid and on our zoom call he was like well the vaccine wouldnt have done anything anyways#are you sure about that??? because you sound like you cant fucking breathe#idk i just feel hopeless and bitter and exhausted and like nothing will ever be okay ever again. and im At Work.#how are you supposed to combat this. what are you supposed to do.#no amount of cognitive fucking behavioral therapy is going to fix the fascism or the climate change or the pandemic or the or the or the#like literally why bother. it doesn't matter nothing matters!#i just want to go home#but then when i get home im like fuck. i really want to go home.
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#person whining#i am so fucking tired#is it my blood pressure (this mornings reading indicates no)#is it lack of sleep#is it my physically and mentally exhausting job#depression?#idk#probably all of the above crushing down on me and making me want to lash out at my loved ones#im tired of being the one who has to organize household chores#and meals#and keep the pharmacy on track#(ok i cant take credit for the last one)#(but its exhausting being the most senior/knowledgeable/competent tech)#(and dealing with a revolving door of fill in pharmacists)
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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while
#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress#and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that#but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min#and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble#sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day#and will be having them every day until at least august!
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it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat
#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom#2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places#and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again#like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up#not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day!#i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation?#like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary#like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??)#but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks#and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it?#i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep#before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything#and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’#but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend#i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it#but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this#i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man#ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything#i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for#not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for#and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween#i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art#+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here)#it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this
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[[vent in tags]]
#im so fucking tired of living hereee#my coworkers at my day job were making transphobic jokes today#and at my night job kids will literally follow me around the store#calling me ''it'' and doing shit to try and get me to react#along with the trans kid who was beaten here just a couple months ago like its so hard to keep going#i don't feel like i have anywhere i can be myself#my parents are accepting but they still make fun of lgbtq people all the fucking time while claiming to be allies its exhausting#i just wish i had a network or support system of any kind#i just wanna live and be happy
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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Anyone else have big dreams and no idea how to realistically achieve them and a fear of inadequacy so they're worried they're going to stagnate in their current situation because they're too afraid to leave it or is that just me?
#personal#inferiority complex#i have so much shit i want to do#i want to leave the job im im because i dont like it#i want to be using my degree for mkre than i am#i want to be working full time in theagre and/or film#and i keep applying for jobs and just get every door slammed in my fucking face every time#and now im almost 26 so i have to worry about any job i *do* take offering insuramce#and the job im in right now 'much as i hate it has insirance for when i turn 26#and I'm afraid to leave because of that even though they don't even pay me a livable wage#if i wasn't living with my parents I'd probably be homeless or have 0 savings#and its not like i can really say fuck it and quit and move somewhere more conducive to what I want to do because I have savings#because I need a job somewhere that can pay me enough to support rent and has insurance and those are in short supply#i just feel like shit#i feel like im stuck in this rut and don't know how to get out of it and am never gonna get out#im just exhausted
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you ever just feel like a huge fucking idiot who can't do anything fucking right and is just a fucking dumbass
#like.... why the fuck cant i do things RIGHT???? i KNOOOOWWWW im not supposed to keep calling into work but i keep doing it#and i got talked too about it. .several times. but again today. and im on my period and i feel like fucking shit#but i KNOW im not supposed to but i keep fucking doing it like a huge fucking IDIOT#its just so fucking exhausting being around people and having to be happy and FINE all the time and im fucking tired#and its retail so i cant even take time off right now even though i really need time away from this place#im so fucking tired. they wont let me do the job i LIKE doing and make me do fucking exhausting shit#and then wonder why i dont wanna come in. im so tired.#personal#mine
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accepting i might just have to cry at work tomorrow
#catfish speaks#im so genuinely exhausted#and ive been making mistakes with everything lately#and i keep getting called on it#when im down like this it makes me want to fucking sob#im SO tired#and i really dont want to give my boss more reasons to not like me#my probation is up in like a week or something and i really need tp keep this job#might just go in and. tell my boss i need to cry at her#i can't keep this in much longer
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aaaaaaa
#minor vent? i guess#but i fuckign aaaaaaaaaaaa#my next three or so weeks are going to be BUSY and i fjjfjsgjejaonfjif#this is like my Last Week of Peace before it all#my next three weekends at least are busy#im actually sort of grateful the plans i originally had for yesterday fell apart bc idk if i could have like. dealt w that#a bitch needs their PEACE#and part of the issue is like. no seems to... believe me when i tell them im busy?#like people keep saying shit to me like ''well you cant be THAT busy bc xyz'' and its like#my busy is different from your busy. if i can only manage a few things in a day and then i have things in the day#then yes. thats busy for me.#even when i was employed at any job i almost never took any pride in the idea of me being overworked#bc it was terrible for my mental health both to be overworked and to see it as a virtue.#and in some jobs it was straight up dangerous.#ig. maybe thats why#people know what i used to do or what my busy used to look like. and compare me to that#idk. idk. idk why anyone does anything but its hard not to like#take it personally. sometimes.#when people are like ''well you dont have a job and you dont go to school so you cant be THAT busy or tired''#while not understanding how exhausting it is to hear that i shouldn't be exhausted. like fuck off.#okay minor vent turned into major vent oopsie#thank you if youve read this far and this doesnt apply to anyone who can read this#im just so tired. and people keep talking to me like i dont have any right to be.
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#i genuinelt do feel like my activity on this blog is abour to dip so fucking low#like i already havent been that active recently and ive beendoing a bad job at keeping up with everything and i have 2 online classes#that start next week. and im already kind of overwhelmed with bio and calc .and im scared ..bc like. idk#it's dumb but i really do love coming on here but ive been so tired recently like just physically mentally emotionally exhausted and it's#literally only gonna get worse . like Fuck. whatever tho. im so normal hashtag we ball#tbd probably
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hmm
#we're coming up on three straight weeks of spontaneous nerve pain my friends#doctors dont know whats wrong & all i can say is thank fuck i've got a real person job with benefits & live in a country w/ free healthcare#i dont even know how to explain it. i've been on meds helping the pain finally.#and only noticed they were working once they wore off and it legitimately felt like i was dying again. i hope you never know this pain#my bodys exhausted i'm exhausted even though the pain is being managed. my body is still firing all the nerves i just cant feel it anymore#i sit in bed all day and cant focus cant think cant type accurately. holding my phone hurts. but im so exhausted. i shouldnt be but i am#it occurred to me the other day that. this might not just stop. its been almost 3 weeks theres no reason to think itll just stop#and thats fucking scary. im 2* and i know age isnt correlated with health but. i shouldnt be. i dont know. im young & healthy & so confused#i just want to know whats wrong. i just want the pain to stop. the sensations to stop.#im stuck at home because thats where i should be with ease of emergency rooms but. my family is driving me crazy#half of my dad thinks im faking it (which my brain keeps latching onto bc it tries to tell me i'm fine when i#am so clearly not fine.)#char speaks
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I'm tired of having a job where i use up all my patience and understanding and kindness on stupid asshole customers who dont deserve it and i have none left over for my friends
#philosophytube used the phrase 'it has wasted my goodness' once and i keep going back to that#strangers do not deserve my best me. that's for the people and pets i care about.#tired of coming home physically and emotionally exhausted from work and being a massive bitch because of it.#tired of my coworkers also being treated like shit. fucking over this godforsaken job#im stuck here until like. jan or feb probably. miserable.#my good temper is a finite resource and the resevoir keeps drying up at a faster and faster rate.#i wish i had better control over my emotions. but i wouldnt need it if i wasnt so goddamned burned out all the FUCKING time
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