#lauranon

[aleiasanova]

*Waves* Hello Aleia, hello Hyro! How are you guys doing? :)

I’m great, thanks~!

Hyro: Me too~ *Looks at me* You know they asked this months ago, right?

I KNOW AND I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR NOT ANSWERING SOONER!! *Mega huggles* I’m sorry… Q^Q

[1lauranon]

So I’ve been playing around with my new Bumkit buddy. :D They still need a name, my friend suggested ‘Honey’ and it just might stick. xD I would like to thank people from @mythicalmyths-petshop, especially @lonely-void-flower who made this design! Good luck to your shop! 

[rantsbylaura]

breaking radio silence, more static.

What is the point of working so hard to be secure just to have an empty wallet, empty panty and empty heart at the end of each day. I work so hard to provide, I work to make life better for everyone except for myself. I can't enjoy the fruits of my labor. I feel like I haven't been myself. I am not me. I am a shell, hollow, empty, drained. Just. DONE.  These little white pills keep me floating. My own personal life saver. Oh, Lexapro, my little savior in an amber vial, you lower the volume of the screaming anxieties in my head, you level out the clashing chemicals in my head and calm those firing nerve endings and receptors. You turn my life off so I can pretend to get by. 

BUT THIS IS ALL A LIE. I feel as if I'm being shut down, my reality is false and flawed. I want to face my problems head on but I'm too weak. My strength is laughable. 

[strive-for-healthy-blog]

hi, i saw in some of your personal posts that you have PCOS, i was diagnosed a few weeks ago and i'm so happy i stumbled upon your tumblr. seeing how much progress you've made is incredible, you inspire me to not let PCOS control my life!

Thank you! And yes! If there is anything I could tell people with PCOS, it would be that you can control it and kick its ass. Ever since I've lost weight my symptoms of PCOS have subsided greatly. I'm not cramping nearly as much as I used too, I have a lot more energy, my hair has thickened up. You might have a harder time losing weight and it might take you longer to see results than someone who doesn't have it, but of you chug along and eat healthy with low GI foods and even move your rear end a little more than you used too, you will see the results. I wish you the best!

[rantsbylaura]

Back to the grind..

Even when I stop to take a moment to breathe and just be alone, I feel myself perpetually smothered with thoughts and worries.  I am absolutely petrified of what my future holds in store for me.  Will I wander up and down the coast until I can find solace and peace?  My failed attempts and finding a sanctuary both physically and spiritually are pathetic.  A bible whose pages have barely seen the light of day sits on the nightstand.  Pages filled with words, wisdom and the apparent instructions on how to live a good life lay unnoticed.  Am I abandoning my attempts to reconnect with my faith?  I don’t even know what to do anymore.  I sought solace in the church.  I am not very religious, nor spiritual and I don’t fully understand if it is my own ignorance or my own fears preventing it.  My lifestyle does not truly support a strong faith based one.  I have questionable morals and my values are often not brought into play.  Perhaps faith is the one rock and anchor I am swimming away from as I drown in my sea of misery.  I am not sure if this is the answer I’m searching for, but I cannot truly grasp why I am straying from it. 

I’m always in search of a sign or some message to validate my life.  I feel small and meaningless.  I should not think of death as an easy answer to problems as trivial as moving.  I do not know why I am wired to seek out the worst.  I feel hopeless and trapped in this skin.  I just don’t get it.  I want so much in this life, I’m vigorously working towards goals that seem unreachable and with every bump in the road, and I want to give everything away.  I’m tired and beaten down by reality.  Perhaps I want too much?  Am I overwhelming myself in this life?  Am I really asking for too much?  I don’t really know anymore. 

This sense of perpetually losing emerged probably when I was 20 years old or so.  The closer I got to graduation and ending that chapter of my life the more anxiety ridden I became.  I am close to being a perfectionist, that is a major issue.  I carry a heavy burden even when it is the lightest of loads.  Everything weighs heavy on me. I care far too much about the actions and decisions of others.  I know that I need only to care about Laura and the life of Laura, but why do I obsess and worry over the stupidity and carelessness of others?  In a work environment, I justify this to myself by saying that their mistakes and laziness will inevitably make my life harder in some way or another.  I struggle with my own work ethic.  I am not a lazy person, but I find myself shrugging responsibility and justifying it with, oh well, so and so doesn’t do it for me so why should I do it for them?  But that is so wrong.  I must always strive to be the best Laura I can be.  I can’t help but wonder if the best Laura I can be is a standard I have set so high and can’t achieve.  I am not perfect; I have no desire to be.  Perfection is relatively unattainable to achieve.  I must be satisfied with my life in its current state.  I have a job, a stable income, a safe home, a loving family and I have made some of the truest and best friends I could have ever hoped for here.  My life is far much easier than in other parts of the world.  I graduated high school, I received my bachelor’s degree and I didn’t have to spend a penny.  Some might call me lucky, but why do I consider this a curse? 

I am blessed by life.  I have nothing to worry about on the surface, but my mind is a conflicted and complex ball of stress.  I create my own problems and my own insecurities and fears run rampant.  Even now, I am fortunate enough to have a computer to type this out on, a journal, or even the knowledge and ability to formulate thoughts and coherently express myself.  If I am so fortunate and living a life others envy, why am I so miserable.  Why do thoughts of pain and suicide flash through my head?  If I’m so blessed, why do I feel like a waste of a life? Someone else could be happy in the life of Laura Knapp, but why do I feel like this is a battle.  I lack the courage and strength to embrace my life as it is.  I am the creator of a destructive soul.  The words in my head are mine and mine alone.  The pain I feel is my own burden to bear and the tiny scars, imperfections and marks of my battle with life, are at my own hand.  If I am here to succeed, why am I finding reasons and excuses to fail?

I fear lately that my “quarter life crisis” is extending beyond a reasonable rough patch in life and evolving into a crippling, soul sucking silent illness.  I’m making myself sick here, aren’t I?  Hormonal and chemical imbalances aside, this monster in my head is of my creation.  Logically speaking, if I created this malady, than I can reasonably destroy it.  I fear I am far too proud to seek help; I’m terrified of judgment over this.  Only a handful of people have been exposed to the monster in my head.  I fear rejection in this battle.  I’m crying for help on the inside, but on the outside, it is hardly audible.  I mustn’t let my pride lead to my fall.  This is not a hubris sense of overbearing proudness, but more of embarrassment.  I look so put together, why can’t I be.  Looks are deceiving, tears can be dried and scars I can hide, but the battle in my head rages on.