#let’s hope it will work lmao )

[explodingstarlight]

slee,,,bb,byyy,,,,,

[a2zillustration]

I carried this thing for MONTHS with the EXPRESS PURPOSE of putting Raphael in it (knowing full well Larian wouldn't let me do that, mechanically) and I had one major miscalculation.

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[[ All Croissant Adventures (chronological, desktop) ]]

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[themisterhip]

Happy genos (/:''>)/

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

[sonic-adventure-3]

an incredibly rough comic. i think star fragments would taste like a scintillating phantasmagoria of light, a severe electric shock, a newfound gambling addiction, and a hint of the nastiest artificial grape flavour you’ve ever tasted. sonic is imbued with the power of slot machines now

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Chapter 110 is 13 pages long welcome to hell!!! so in a lot of ways this is just more fuel for a theory that I've had for a few weeks now, that's only gotten stronger with each recent season 5 episode, which is that the last episode of the season is gonna end on 110, and that Asagiri/Harukawa and Bones have been collaborating to make this happen, specifically because it's a major turning point that would be the only good place to end the season on.

When we started getting especially long chapters again (like from 25-35ish pages, with the exception of 107.5, the last two being some of the longest we've ever had), at first I just assumed that Asagiri/Harukawa got freed up from some other obligations they'd been having to cause the extremely short/half chapters, like promotional stuff for the anime/Beast movie, or working on light novels. But then 109 happened, with the "supposed" death of Dazai, and heavy emphasis at the end on how literally everyone is at their lowest point right now, and I got to thinking. 11 episodes is a strangely specific number for an anime season -- why not 12, or 13, or even 10, like you'd usually see? Why have we gotten suddenly gotten two 35 page chapters out of nowhere, that's almost unheard of at this point? They're both beautiful chapters, don't get me wrong (as always), and maybe A/H simply just didn't want to cut them in halves because they felt like the full emotional impact wouldn't hit/that there were no good cutoff points in them, but you can't deny that it's surprising, after all the shorter chapters we've been getting. Why has the anime been going at such insanely breakneck pacing for the most part ever since around the Sunday Tragedy chapters, even more so than it has in the past? So much so that it feels dangerously close to overtaking the manga?

Well, maybe, just maybe, it's because..... Asagiri decided a long time ago that whatever happens in 110 is the only point that feels "season finale"-worthy enough, in an arc that still isn't anywhere close to being completely wrapped up, and so both the manga and the anime have been specifically coordinated to reach that part within 2 and a half weeks of each other?

I've seen a lot of people now think season 5 will end with 109, and as much as my sadistic side would find that hilarious, I honestly don't think they'd do that and realistically don't want it to happen; it'd be so cruel to cliffhanger the anime for years like that, and just doesn't feel like a season cliffhanger BSD would do, a series that is ultimately hopeful and uplifting. Seasons 2 and 3 had a positive, conclusive ending; the only reasons seasons 1 and 4 didn't was because they're technically not really full seasons of their own, and are more like the first cour of another "season" that also came out that same year (seasons 1 and 2 both aired in 2016, so they're more like one big season, and seasons 4 and 5 have both aired this year, so they're also more like one big season, again taking into account how episodes 12 and 50 are not satisfying finales like episodes 24, 37, and hypothetically, 61, are). I really can't see season 5 ending with Dazai and Fukuzawa's supposed deaths, Sigma being unconscious and maybe close to death, Atsushi being vulnerable and limbless again, everyone we love still vampires, and the entire world being basically doomed; that's just too depressing and not like BSD at all. However, having said that, if it doesn't end there, there really isn't any good place to end the season before that, either, that feels in any way satisfying or like a finale at all. And so, to me, that only leaves after 109: chapter 110.

I think things are really gonna turn around next chapter. Like I said, everyone is at their lowest point right now, it cannot possibly get any worse, the framing of Dazai, Fukuzawa, and sskk at the end of 109 is telling us that; this is the time for the heroes to finally start winning again, with Aya being so close to pulling out the sword, and for all the thematic reasons other people have talked about to death that I don't need to go into here again. This upcoming chapter being so short again makes a part of me wary of 110 being "the one", so to speak, I won't lie, but at the same time, it's very possible that it needs to be that short because that's all the final episode of the season will be able to reasonably fit in, since it's already gonna be VERY close if they do make it all the way to 109. And at the end of the day, I don't doubt at all that Asagiri and Harukawa can make these the most monumental and game-changing mere 13 pages ever if they wanted to; a chapter does not at all need to be extremely long in order to be an important and impactful one, even if short ones we've gotten in the past haven't felt the most important.

An additional thought I've had, though this is much more crack territory than all this already is, is that since we know from Anime Expo that a Stormbringer movie at some point is highly likely (judging from Asagiri's reaction when someone brought it up), it's possible that chapter 110 and thus the final episode will involve the long-anticipated return of Verlaine and/or Adam, or at least some other major reference to Stormbringer, that would naturally and smoothly lead into a Stormbringer movie to explain things to people who haven't read the novel. It would make a lot of sense, especially since the s4 OP has the Old World sign behind Chuuya, which might be a hint that this has been in the works ever since seasons 4/5 were first in planning with Asagiri. We also know that Dazai and Chuuya's voice actors apparently struggled to record their lines together this season, which probably relates to 101 and possibly 109, but it could be 110 too.... I could be very wrong, as I'm no expert on this kind of thing, but I kinda doubt they would bring Chuuya's actor in for just the vampire growls, and Asagiri placing heavy emphasis on Chuuya's importance this season in that one interview gives me the impression that he's talking about much more than just 101/109. But that's the least solid evidence I have, that's just mostly based on vibes I get.

So basically, I think a lot of factors -- the unusual episode count, how close the anime is to catching up to the manga with three whole episodes left, the seemingly arbitrary recent chapter lengths, and the climactic events of 109 -- can tell us that 110 might be a very, VERY big deal. Again, there's of course no way this arc is anywhere near close to being finished, with so much left to address and resolve, but since it is currently incomplete in the manga, unlike the previously adapted arcs, if the anime was going to adapt it at all, they'd have to find a place that feels satisfying enough to end this season, knowing there won't be more anime for a long time after this, and so I think they specifically planned for that, from both Bones' and A/H's sides. 10 episodes might not have been enough to reach that point, but 12 or 13 might have been too many it wouldn't have been if Bones actually decided to slow down and let the story breathe the way it needs to, but this post isn't meant to criticize the anime, so maybe 11 was just right. And maybe Asagiri and Harukawa specifically pushed to make recent chapters longer than usual, in order to make sure that the manga reached the story content in 110 the monthly release right before season 5 was to end.

Is this just copium? Absolutely. Am I going to look like an absolute clown in two days when this post ages like milk? Probably. But the evidence is There, so let me just enjoy my delusions until Sunday, okay 🥂🫡

[lucienarcheron]

Spirit Meets the Bones - XIV

Genre: Angst/Romance  Warnings: Mentions of physical abuse. PLEASE NOTE:This chapter will contain physical abuse with some implied language may be found triggering.

as always, shoutout to my bby @abruisedmuse for being along this journey with me!

tagging: @climb-the-mountian | @vanserrass | @positivewitch | @readthelastpaage | @zenkindoflove | @animezinglife | @clockwork-ashes | @carolynmezzosoprano | @carnythian | @runningwiththeoceans | @readychilledwine | @goldenmagnolias | @thedarkinmansfield | @mali22 | @maidr-00 | @electromagnetic-waves | @theeternalstruggle | @devilsfoodcake22 | @the-midnightwriter | @moonfawnx | @weesablackbeak | @ladywhilemia | @illyrianshadowhunter | @alohaangels | @moobell55 | @bibliophiliaxvignette | @easchies | @feysandfeels | @thelovelymadone | @corcracrow | @dawneternal | @teddyhoneybear | @sinnerrsworld | @queenoftheworld1998

Find it all here.

The next morning came and rather than choking him as suggested, Iris had only burrowed into Eris’s body further. He had woken up this morning and laid perfectly still as the heat of her seeped into him, relaxing him in a way he hadn’t been relaxed before.

He hoped the wild beating of his heart didn’t wake her and when she finally did wake, the two had only stared at each other quietly. Until she gave him a small smile and slipped out of bed. No matter that the smile had caused an eruption of flames all over his body.

The flames hadn’t quite simmered down just yet.

“Distracted this morning, aren’t you?”

Eris blinked, returning to the present, and met his mother’s knowing gaze. He scowled, shifting in the seat opposite his mother, steam rising from his cup of tea in front of him. “I’m just thinking about the meeting I have with Father later and the unwelcome visitor arriving.”

Lady Enya’s lips thinned. “Is that why Iris isn’t with you this morning?”

“She’s nervous about her father’s visit and wanted some time to herself.” he said with a twist of his mouth. “But we’ll stop by when we return from visiting Lucien and Elain.”

“Her father won’t be a problem, will he?” Lady Enya asked with a frown, sliding a plate of breakfast pastries toward him. “Cauldron only knows the horrible things I’ve heard about him.”

“For his own livelihood, he better not be a problem.” Eris said with a scoff and sat back in his chair, crossing his legs and waving a hand for his daily reports to appear. “I have no qualms about ending his life.”

“Your father wouldn’t like that.” Enya said with a pointed look over her cup of tea.

“Good.”

His mother chuckled and the two shared a small smile. A few moments of comfortable silence filled the space until Eris felt his mother’s gaze on him and slowly lifted his head, with a quirked brow.

“Is something wrong, mother?”

“Not at all.” she replied, and Eris sat back. “But I am curious.”

“About?” he hedged carefully, and his mother rolled her eyes at his suspicious tone.

Waving a delicate hand in his general direction, she took a sip of her tea then said, “Are you trying a new look?”

He blinked at his mother then squinted. “What?”

“The scruff.” she said with a twitch of her lips.

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

Eris tried to ignore the heat rising to his face and cleared his throat. He debated for a moment whether to say something or keep it to himself, but he could feel his mother’s knowing look without even glancing at her. “Iris likes it.” he murmured quietly, quickly taking a sip of his tea and desperately trying to ignore his mother’s grin.

“Does she now?” she asked with an arched brow. “I don’t think you’ve ever considered facial hair before.”

Eris hadn’t actually ever given scruff a chance. He stayed clean-shaven so his father wouldn’t harass him about it but…

He shrugged with as much of a nonchalant air as he could. “I’m trying something new. For myself.”

It had nothing to do with his wife, of course.

Lady Enya took a sip of her own tea, shooting him an incredulous look. “I see.”

Eris waited for a heartbeat, then put the reports down, debating once more whether he should say something else. His mother watched him patiently, so he pursed his lips then casually added, “I’m also considering cutting my hair.”

His mother blinked. “Your hair.”

“My hair, yes.”

“How short are you thinking?”

Eris shrugged again and vaguely waved his hand to the back of his head. “Something just above the shoulders. Maybe. Possibly. I’m unsure.”

“That’s...a big change.” Lady Enya remarked, her lips twitching. “I can’t remember the last time you even got a trim.”

“I get a trim every six months, mother. I am not an uncivilized swine.”

Lady Enya chuckled, then slowly placing her cup of tea on the table, she gave him a sly look. “And would this sudden interest in shortening your hair also be something a certain someone will like?”

Eris willed his skin not to redden further. “No.” he said defensively.

His mother gave him that knowing look of hers.

Eris twisted his mouth and then sighed. “Yes.”

“Ah. I see.” Lady Enya said and Eris scowled at the smirk she wore on her face.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” he mumbled and pulled his reports up once more, using it to shield half his face. “Minor changes. Send a few admirers into a potential cardiac arrest.”

His mother hummed and Eris squinted at her as he lowered the pages again, his scowl deepening.

“Admirers, you say?” she said, her lips twitching. “Funny how you pretend this is about anyone else but your wife.”

“Mother.”

She smiled. “Yes?”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

Lady Enya laughed at that. “Eris. You know I think it’s delightful your wife brings out these kinds of reactions from you.” she said and gave him a pointed look. “It’s good.”

Eris’s mouth twisted again, and he waited for another heartbeat before quietly saying, “Do you think if I cut my hair...I’ll look more like him?”

His mother paused and her expression hardened. “The only thing you share with him is your bloodline. Everything about your face is from me. Your eye shape is mine. Your nose is mine. That mouth of yours is mine. Even your hair is from me.” she said, and Eris’s lips twitched slightly at the fierce protectiveness in her tone. “He will claim you as his son, but you are my son first and foremost. My son who looks like me.”

“My mother’s son through and through, aren’t I.” he said with a soft chuckle.

“Damn right, you are.” Lady Enya said with a huff. “If you decide you want to change your hair, I’m sure you’ll look very handsome. I have no doubt your wife would agree.”

His wife. His wife whom he had finally — fucken finally held in his arms at night.

Eris had nearly blacked out when she had asked to move the pillow. As if he’d say no.

He’d only wanted her in his arms for weeks now and Eris would be damned to rush the very delicate process between them.

But she had asked him. She asked him. And that had made Eris’s battered heart beat wildly at the notion that she now trusted him enough to do it.

Having her sleep in his arms, the feeling of her body flush against his had been as invigorating as he had imagined. She had curled into him, her arm had wrapped around him. And when he had tangled their legs together, she hadn’t hesitated to come closer.

Eris swallowed, nearly losing his mind all over again just thinking about it. He had almost lost his mind when he woke up this morning and found her still in his arms — that it all hadn’t been some wild hallucination of his. He frowned.

This feeling couldn’t be normal. These... severe reactions he kept having. He had been with more than enough people in his lifetime that surely having one female sleep in his arms shouldn’t do this to him.

Whatever this was. Even if this was different from anything he’d ever experienced.

All Eris knew was that he was excited to spend time with her and to have her meet the other important people in his life. He was also looking forward to seeing her face when they returned from their trip to find the gift he had prepared for her. His wife. His.

“Are you alright?” his mother asked him, alarmed and Eris blinked at her.

“What?”

“Your face is as red as your hair.”

Eris’s face heated further and he cleared his throat, pausing for a breath before very, very quietly mumbling, “We had a moment last night.”

Lady Enya blinked then her face erupted into a grin that instantly had Eris tensing. “Did you?”

Eris held up a hand and gave his mother a pointed look. “Say nothing else, mother. We had a moment. It was nice and that is all.”

His mother only chuckled and gave him a pointed look in return. “I doubt that is all.”

Eris pursed his lips and tried not to die as he attempted to describe how he felt to his mother. His grip tightened on the reports. “Clearly,” he began, then cleared his throat again before he continued very softly, “I...like her.”

His mother snorted softly and gave him a sly look. “Like her, hm?” she teased and Eris clenched his jaw, willing himself not to flush further. “That’s a relief, I suppose. Considering you spend every waking moment with her.”

“She’s my wife. And my friend.” he mumbled and tried to avoid looking at his mother’s smile. “I like spending time with her.”

“You would. Her mouth is as filthy as yours.” Lady Enya said with a laugh. “She swears at you so viciously it gives me whiplash.”

Eris’s lips twitched, his eyes still on the reports. “Don’t tell her you’ve heard her swear. She wants you to think she’s a proper lady and likes impressing you.”

“Oh trust me, I’m very impressed.” his mother said and tapped the table gently so he’d meet her softened gaze. Eris lowered his paper shields and his mother didn’t hesitate to softly pat his hand. “You seem more settled around her. I’m happy to see it.”

Eris tensed for a moment then slowly let his shoulders relax. His mother was right, of course. As much of a riot as Iris was, she...seemed to soothe something in him. His mother already knew, there was no sense in pretending otherwise.

“I enjoy her company.” he said quietly and gave his mother a small smile that she gently returned.

“Well. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming.” she said with a smug look and Eris chuckled.

“You always seem to know everything, Mother. One would think you were the Seer and not Elain.” he said with a snort and his mother laughed.

“I can definitely see how your wife might react to shorter hair.” she teased and he rolled his eyes.

“I’d like to think she’ll tolerate me just the same if I didn’t.” he said and his mother’s sly smile had him immediately scowling.

“I’d say she already does more than just tolerate you.” Enya teased again. “But a little change is never a bad idea if you’d like to do it.”

“According to her, it’s the only way I’ll be more dashing than Lucien.” he scoffed and Lady Enya blinked then let out such a hearty laugh that Eris couldn’t help but chuckle along. “Laugh all you want, those were her exact words.”

“She doesn’t even know Lucien, does she?” she said, wiping at her eyes and Eris snorted.

“Apparently, your harlot son’s reputation precedes him.”

Lady Enya rolled her eyes. "Unfortunately, I've been made aware that you both share a similar reputation."

Eris held out his hands in mock innocence. “I am a married male, Mother. I have no idea what you could possibly be referring to.”

“Tell that to the horde of jilted lovers that used to sob at every ball.” his mother said with a snort and Eris fought back a smirk.

“I have only one female to worry about now.” he said, the corner of his mouth lifting. “The verdict isn’t out on whether she can stand me yet or not.”

His mother gave him a sly look. “Well, based on my observations, I’d say she can stand you just fine.”

“Is that so?”

“A mother knows best.” she said with a wink and Eris chuckled, his eyes back on the reports.

“We shall see.” he said quietly and tried not to let the hope of what was to come take root in his chest, lest it unfurl and break him. Straightening, his expression sobered as he gazed at his mother. “I need to ask you something.”

~

“Ah daughter, how I’ve missed that look of hatred in your eyes. I never could quite beat it out of you.”

Iris stood rooted in her doorway, desperately trying not to grimace at the smirk plastered on the face of her father, Lord Aron Bertillon. Her heart sputtered in her chest at his wretched face and continued to beat wildly as he pushed past her with a scoff and stepped into her chambers.

She had been free of him for weeks and the moment her eyes fell on him, Iris was paralyzed by him all over again.

Did she shut the door or keep it open? Shut the door or keep it open — Shut the door or keep it open —

“I suggest you shut the door. You know I like my privacy.”

Iris took a breath as a tense beat of silence passed and then turned slightly towards him. “You shouldn’t be in here.”

Her father tsked and turned to smile at her fully. “I am exactly where I want to be.” he said. “Close the door and come over here so I can see you properly.”

Her lips curled in distaste as she watched him survey the room and Iris slowly, reluctantly, closed the door then turned fully towards him.

The silence between them stretched as her father continued to peruse the room, his eyes falling on the neatly made bed and narrowing. Her cheeks flushed.

Finally turning to land his gaze on her, Lord Aron rolled his eyes. “When will you learn that looking at me like that won’t ever help you? I said come here.”

Iris barely inched a step closer. She knew the closer she got, the quicker he’d be. She shifted herself towards the dining table instead. “You never did anything to earn any other kind of look so I don’t know why you’re still surprised.” she muttered.

Her father tutted again, cruel amusement on his face, watching her steps. “Does your husband allow you to look at him like that? I’m surprised you’re still standing if so.”

“Leave my husband out of this.” she snapped before she could help herself and regretted it the moment her father’s brow raised in amusement. He didn’t need to know that Eris mattered to her. That he was important — especially when her father had a tendency to take away anything she cared about.

“Such a faithful whore already? I suppose it makes sense.” he said with a sigh full of scorn as he surveyed her living chambers again. “Good thing you didn’t sully yourself with the riff-raff then...I did hear that Eris likes his virgins.”

Iris grimaced and stopped a good ten feet away from him, her hands fisted at her sides.

He wasn’t supposed to be in here. She was supposed to have met him in an open guest room, where they would be in front of others. Where she would have witnesses. When Eris would be there. But knowing her father, this was exactly how he wanted it.

Knowing her father-in-law, he had allowed it.

“Aren’t you going to invite me to take a seat at your table, daughter? Being the high lord’s daughter-in-law doesn’t excuse you from having manners.” her father sneered softly and Iris’s skin prickled as she glanced at him.

She hated him. She hated him with a fire that would’ve melted the entirety of the Winter Court.

Iris had pictured herself murdering him countless times. She had visualized it happening in so many different ways.

But then he stood in front of her, staring at her with such loathing, and Iris couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move. Couldn’t stop the rapid beating of her heart that she knew fueled his glee. Couldn’t stop the way her body locked up around him.

“I prefer we meet outside of my chambers. Eris doesn’t allow anyone in here.” she said simply and her gaze drifted to the bedroom door because Eris should be here. He promised he would be.

“I’m not just anyone.” her father said sweetly and walked a step closer. “I am your father. Surely your husband wouldn’t have any concerns with me being here.”

But he could tell exactly how much Iris despised having him stand in this space, his image tarnishing whatever sanctuary this home had become for her. She clenched her fists tighter.

“He would. And so do I.” Iris replied curtly and gestured towards the door. “I have a space set up for us that we should —”

“I will stay right here, you stupid bitch.” her father snapped and Iris flinched, closing her eyes with a deep breath. She counted to five then opened her eyes to glare at him.

“Don’t speak to me that way.”

“Oh?” he said and took another step closer. “And what will you do about it, daughter?”

The dagger resting on the table a few feet away seemed to glow as if a reminder that she had a weapon close enough. Eris had trained her enough that she could somewhat hold her own but...what would she do against the male standing before her? The male that made her gut twist and bile rise in her throat. The male that made her hate all males.

Eris was starting to become the exception and that thought twisted her gut as well, but in a good way. At least...if he came. If he realized something was wrong and as promised, showed up. Iris straightened, wondering if something had happened to him.

Her stomach dropped and she flexed her fingers. How would he know to come here? Did her father have something to do with it? Did his?

She glanced at the door once more and her father noted the movement, letting out a chuckle.

“Did you think,” he said and took another step towards her. “That because you’re his wife now, I won’t have a say over you? Don’t worry, he won’t be joining us. It’ll be just us, daughter.”

Her heart stuttered at his declaration. How much sway did he have with the High Lord now that he could block Eris from returning to his own room? He wasn’t here even though he had promised. And...Eris had yet to back out on a promise he made her, especially one like this. Especially after last night.

But it didn’t matter. Iris would have to hold her own, just like she always did. She always had been able to deal with her father, even when it hurt. Even as her skin prickled at the thought. Iris’s lips curled in disdain as she shot her father another look of contempt.

“You talk too much, father. Why are you here?”

He chuckled darkly and Iris felt the gooseflesh erupt on her already clammy skin. She warily kept her gaze on his fists.

“I’m here to check on my daughter. To make sure you’re behaving.” he said quietly and came to a stop right in front of her. “Considering you have been declining my requests to see you, I had to take matters into my own hands. Do you not want to see me?”

Iris’s fingers tightened into the folds of her dress as she held his gaze. “I’ve had nothing to say to you.”

It went silent between them as her father stared her down and Iris refused to look away.

“But I’ve had a few things to say to you.” he said quietly and before Iris could blink, his hand had wrapped around her throat and he yanked her closer to him. Iris’s treacherous body froze beneath his hands. “I heard about your loud-mouthing a while ago. I did not appreciate having the High Lord tell me I didn’t know how to raise you well enough to know when to keep your mouth shut.”

Iris sucked in a breath as her father’s grip tightened. “Nothing happened. I apologized.” she said tightly.

Her father quirked a brow. “You apologized?”

“Yes.” she breathed and he narrowed his eyes briefly as his grip tightened further and Iris let out a strangled breath.

“Mm. See, you should’ve kept your mouth shut from the beginning.” he snapped, shoving her back carelessly, and she stumbled away from him. “I will cut your tongue out myself if you do anything else you’re not supposed to. You will not jeopardize my relationship with the High Lord with your stupidity.”

Iris’s hand rubbed at her throat as she glared at her father, her other hand tightening in the folds of her dress, desperately trying to keep her hands away from reaching for the dagger. “I don’t interact with the high lord often for anything else to happen between us so rest assured, I won’t have any sway over your relationship with him.” she replied with a bite in tone.

“Yes, but his son needs to be kept happy.” he said and narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you keeping his son happy?”

Iris tensed and the corner of her father’s mouth lifted as she answered, “His son is fine.”

A beat of silence passed as her father’s gaze pierced her. “Judging by the scent in this room, I’d say not.” Iris flushed and her father’s eyes narrowed further. “I hope he’s not put off by you.”

“That’s none of your business.” she hissed.

“Everything you do is my business, you stupid girl.” he snapped and her fists tightened. “Your obedience is an important factor in keeping my working relationship with our High Lord. I’ve gotten away with so much since this lovely union,” he said, his eyes surveying the room once more. “Or did you think I married you off so you could just enjoy yourself?”

Whatever business her father did, Iris wasn’t privy to it and she never cared to know. All she knew was that he was ruthless in getting what he wanted, in whatever way he could. Be it cheating, stealing, or killing. He was a business tycoon but what kind of business? She didn’t want to know. He was a liar, a thief, and most importantly, he loved his money in whatever way he could get it. As long as it kept him away from her — until now.

She glared. “You mean when you sold me to him?”

The corner of his mouth lifted again and Iris grimaced. “I wanted to offer you to the high lord himself but a marriage to his son was more advantageous.”

Silence filled her mind as she processed her father’s words. He would’ve offered her up just like that to a monster who would’ve —

“You’re disgusting.” she breathed. “He has a wife. He’s triple my age.”

“And he has a preference. I don’t care what he would’ve done with you as long as I reaped the benefits from it.” he snapped then scoffed at her expression. “The point is to tie myself to the High Lord’s family and being the son’s wife is certainly better than being his father’s whore. What is the point of having a daughter if I can’t use you the way I want?”

“You’re disgusting.” she repeated and her father rolled his eyes.

“Yes, yes.” he said with a wave of his hand, dismissing her as he always did. “And yet look at you, married to his handsome son instead. Living in the Forest House with anything you want at your fingertips. You’re welcome.”

Her fists shook at her sides and Iris tried to keep her voice even as she spoke, “The only reason you allowed it is because you think Eris would be worse than you.”

“Isn’t he?” he said then snorted, lifting a hand and Iris barely had a second to grit her teeth as he harshly patted her cheek. “Knowing you, daughter, you certainly deserve whatever comes your way. You’re too proud. Too stubborn. If I can’t beat it out of you, someone else should.”

“Well, you got what you wanted.” she spat and tried to step back from him, backing towards the table. “Why can’t you leave me be now?”

“Leave you be?” he said with the sneer she knew too well. The sneer that always had her on edge. “Why would I do that?”

Iris glared at him again but faster than she could open her mouth to say anything else, her father’s hand was already gripping tightly in her hair, yanking her head back, pulling her closer to him.

“Do you know why I won’t leave you alone? Because I know you’ll embarrass me again. You simply don’t know how to behave.” he muttered and his grip tightened enough to make her gasp. “All I have ever wanted you to do was to keep your mouth shut and do as you are told. Is it so difficult?”

“Get your filthy hands off me.” she snarled and Aron’s lips curled in disdain.

“See? You’re still saying the wrong things.” he said, tugging her head closer. “Do you speak like this to the prince? Are you loud-mouthing him too? I already told him to use a heavy hand with you but it seems it’s not heavy enough.” he breathed and Iris’s jaw clenched, even as tears prickled her eyes. “You better be behaving well enough so that he keeps you. Are you behaving?”

“I’m behaving!” Iris hissed, her hands clawing at his to release her. With a growl of disgust, her father shoved her away again and Iris’s hand flew into her hair, her scalp already tender from his yanking.

“You better be. I will beat you into a pulp if I get one more complaint about you.” Aron snapped and Iris glared at him, hating herself for the tears she blinked back. She took in a shaky breath watching him as he watched her. The father that was no father. The father who only thought of himself. The father who didn’t even think of her as a person. “You are either his wife or you are dead.”

It did not surprise her for a moment that after several weeks of not seeing each other, this was how he behaved.

Mustering whatever little dignity she had left in front of him, Iris ran her hands through her hair, trying to smooth it down. “You gave me your lovely warning,” she said tightly, “You can leave now.”

But her father smiled at her and Iris felt her heart drop.

“But I missed you, daughter. It’s been too long without you near.” her father cooed softly and Iris blanched. “No one bruises quite as beautifully as you do.” And the cruel smile returned to his face as he watched her eyes widen. “Does your husband love the way you bruise as well? I’m sure he takes his time with you.”

Iris’s jaw tightened and she could barely get the words out, fisting her shaky hands. “Leave him out of this.”

“Look at you defending your husband so immediately...you must like it when he bruises you.” her father mused with a smile. “You didn’t seem to like it when I beat you.”

“Stop it.”

“Maybe I just need to beat you in this lovely location for you to enjoy it. Is that what it is?” he said with a chuckle and Iris felt herself pale. “Or is it because he’s a handsome prince, his hands don’t hurt like mine do?”

“Don’t touch me.” she breathed and her father’s eyes narrowed.

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do with you, daughter.” he said quietly. “Come here.”

“No.” she snarled.

“I said, come here.” he snapped, pointing directly in front of him. “Because if I have to come to you, it’ll hurt more. You’ve already tested my patience enough today.”

But Iris held her ground. Her father had been here for a short amount of time and she was already so tired of him. She wanted him gone and away from her. She wanted to pretend he never came and go about her day like this never happened, like she never saw him.

Lord Aron took one step towards her and her hand finally wrapped around the hilt of her dagger resting on the table. Her father’s eyes widened in surprise for only a fraction then his gaze narrowed.

“Oh. This is adorable of you.” he said quietly. “Will you finally gut me the way you’ve always wanted to?”

“I will if you come near me.” she breathed. “Enough. You need to leave now.”

Iris watched him, her chest rising and falling as she tried to swallow, tried to form words. Tried to figure out what to say to this hateful male who sapped any will to live from her. Who instilled fear and self-loathing in her like no other.

Her fingers tightened around her dagger, even as it shook with rage. She wanted to bury it in his chest and watch him bleed out. She wanted —

“You stupid, stupid girl. You never learn.” her father said softly and Iris couldn’t take her eyes off his hateful gaze as he advanced towards her. “A simple request and you can’t even follow through. All this tells me is that you haven’t changed at all. You haven’t learned to behave yet and we...we have to change that. I won’t let you embarrass me in front of the High Lord and his son.”

Iris swallowed and with a glare, spat, “It doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to be like this.”

Her father quirked a brow and tilted his head. “Yes, it does. You just seem too dim to realize it.”

And before Iris could snarl at the words, his hand flew out, backhanding her swiftly and she stumbled back a step with a gasp. She whipped her head to look at him but Lord Aron only yanked her by the hand holding her knife and tightened his grip hard enough that Iris winced.

“Drop the knife.” he growled.

“Why do you keep doing this to me?”

“You deserved it. You talk too much and have too much nerve.” he spat. “Now drop the knife or I will strike you again.”

Iris felt her treacherous lip tremble. Where was Eris? He promised. He promised.

If anything, she needed him to see. So he could understand why she was the way she was. Why she still looked at his fists and why she needed him around her father. She didn’t want to keep facing him alone.

And Eris had promised.

With an impatient growl, Aron bent her hand back, tightening his hold painfully enough that it forced her to drop her dagger. Iris flinched as he released her hand and then backhanded her again with a force that knocked her back into the table hard enough that she knew it would bruise. Her hand flew to her cheek as the sting of the blow hit her — the ring on his hand had cut her lip.

“Stop.”

Her father snarled and his hand flew out once more, this time wrapping around her throat tight enough that Iris choked. She clawed at his hands, trying to stop the panic going through her body because Eris had taught her better — he taught her how to shove it aside and move.

“Now that your silly knife is out of the way, we can continue discussing how everything you do will play into everything I do.” he muttered and smiled, a tight breath escaping her lips as his grip tightened around her throat again. “A few bruises here and there. You can heal them before your husband returns, of course. You know I like a blank canvas.”

Eris.

“No.” she snarled softly and thrashed, landing a kick in his shin that had him hissing. “You don’t get to come here and do this to me anymore. Let me be. Leave me alone.”

“But then who will receive my gifts, daughter? They’ve always been meant for you.” her father cooed softly. “Who else could take it?”

“Why do you keep doing this?” she whispered desperately. “What have I ever done to deserve this?”

“Because you exist. And because I can.” he snapped. “And so you remember that next time I want to come see you, you don’t get to say no.”

With another snarl, she swung at her father and it forced him to let her go. Iris stumbled away from him, landing on the floor behind him instead. She scrambled back and watched as his anger flared through him, seeing how his temper was about to be unleashed on her. She knew the moment he said he was visiting, it would be for nothing else than to do this — to remind her that she was still nothing. She was still no one important enough to stop him from taking out every frustration he had on her.

Where are you, Eris?

She wanted to scream. He was supposed to be here. In her corner. He promised. A few weeks away from her father and Iris still crumbled at the sight of him like this, like a wild animal being hunted. She needed to get off the floor and away from him — she needed to stand but her legs were trembling so badly.

“Did you know, daughter, that the High Lord has special ways to put people in their place?” he spoke softly, and Iris’s fists clenched to stop the shaking. “I think...I will take some pointers from him. Try some things with you to remind you to keep that mouth of yours shut more often. What do you think?”

“I think you’re insane and need to stay away from me.” she snarled, her chest rising and falling in a rapid panic. She needed to move. Get to the door. Once it was open he couldn’t do anything. “I’m not your problem anymore. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I did.” he mused, almost rabid, and took another step towards her as she backed away. “But once you were away from me...I realized in your absence how much I enjoyed controlling you.” He stopped in front of her and slowly crouched, his smile putting her body in a tingling panic. “Do you think if you have a daughter, she’d bruise as beautifully as you do?”

Before he could raise a hand again, their bedroom door flew open and both Iris and her father’s heads snapped to the door.

Eris stood in the doorway, breathing hard and a sense of relief washed over Iris so deeply, she almost sobbed. A fire was blazing in his eyes and almost instantly, the room’s temperature heated.

“Eris.” she choked out and his eyes snapped to her. He silently took in the bruises on her cheeks and handprints on her neck, her ruined hair, the rumpled dress, and her body on the floor with her father crouching over her. His gaze slid over her, assessing, and then landed on the dagger several feet away.

Lord Aron straightened and Eris’s eyes flickered to him.

“Son-in-law. I’m glad you’ve finally arrived.” her father had the nerve to say. “My daughter was, unfortunately, speaking ill of you, which I couldn’t allow, of course. I needed to remind her to mind her tongue.”

“You’re lying!” Iris barked and flinched back as her father glared at her but turned to look at Eris. “He’s lying.”

Eris said nothing but Iris saw his eyes flash then narrow as he took one look at her father and then ignored him completely. Slowly, he stepped into the room and quietly shut the door. Iris watched him as he walked over to her and very calmly lowered himself to face her. Her heart thundered in her chest as he reached out a hand and she flinched back when he tried to touch her cheek. His gaze hardened as her bottom lip trembled slightly and Iris tried not to let him see the embarrassment burning through her, tried not to let him see anything other than her seething anger.

But he seemed to know.

Eris locked eyes with her for a moment, his gaze softening for just a fraction and then with the grace of a predator, Eris turned to look at her father with murderous intent in his eyes.

“I’m going to kill you.”

[pepperpixel]

“Can't remember when we walked past the O.R. sign!

(sur-ger-y!)

Can't remember passing out with her hand in mine!

(my-my-mind!!!!)

I remember waking up with my mind repaired.

(A-OK! ^^)

I remember when I realized, she wasn't there...”

Amnesia was her name….. is. so. horrifically. sadly fitting for these two in literally every single line. And I’m gonna NEED ALL OF U GUYS TO GO LISTEN TO IT NOW OK… THIS ISNT A DRILL GO GO GO GO!!!

Anyway… uhh. the fact Betty “blessed” this guy to like. An eternally long lifespan w THIS FUCKED UP OF A MENTAL STATE IS SO SCREWED UP GHGH- Like poor Simon god damn…! u kno he’d rather just keep on not sorting out his baggage and trauma forever too cuz it’d be too complicated… too much… force him to admit things about himself and about BETTY that he really really doesn’t want to… better to just leave it all unexamined.. pack it all into lil boxes so he can just try to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist… HE GOTTA LIVE FOREVER W IT THO… *ME BANGING ON SIMONS DOOR AT 3 IN THE MORNING*: “SIMON U GOTTA ACCEPT URSELF!!!! LOVE URSELF!!!! ACKNOWLEDGE N ACCEPT EVEN THE “BAD” PARTS OF URSELF!!!! SIMON PLEASE!!!!! SIMON EVEN PPL WHO LOVE YOU AND WHO YOU LOVE CAN HURT YOU!!!! ACKNOWLEDGE IT!!! ACKNOWLEDGE THE HURT AND ACKNOWLEDGE UR FEELINGS!!!! AND URSELF!!!!! SIMON!!!!” anyway… gGHGH YEA, SRRY. SIMON PETRIKOVS MENTAL ILLNESSES MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM GONNA EXPLODE. ANYWAY HAVE SOME ART. W a bunch of diff versions cuz I’m indecisive!

[c0smicdaisy]

#SANDRAY : "i love you" ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

Only Friends The Series

[tavs-kin-korner]

TW: BRIGHT COLORS, FLASHING

sELF INDULGENT BIRTHDAY STIMBOARD FOR ME, tAVROS nITRAM (hOMESTUCK)!! }:D

iT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! i'M 18 NOW! sO, i MADE MYSELF THIS SILLY STIMBOARD WITH SOME FUN THINGS i LIKE! }:)

V

[Self indulgent birthday stimboard for me, Tavros Nitram (Homestuck)!!]

[It's my birthday!!! I'm 18 now! So, I made myself this silly stimboard with some fun things I like!]

🎂|🎉|🎂

🎉|♉|🎉

🎂|🎉|🎂

[himbeaux-on-ice]

BRUCE. YOU CANNOT TELL YOUR PLAYERS THAT THEIR SUMMER HOMEWORK IS MAKIN' PLAYOFF BABIES FOR NEXT YEAR. OH MY GOD. 💀

[shibaraki]

STATUS UPDATES: GOING INTO 2024

2023 has been rough for me in all manner of ways but I will say it has been very fruitful with regards to my writing. I managed surpass my goal of 100k words, reaching an unfathomable 150k at present, and I’ve even managed to hit a big milestone when it comes to my following! I’m extremely grateful to all my readers, both those that have stuck with me and those who are new, and I wish I had adequate words to really express that. but going into 2024 I will likely be writing less frequently than I did this year. this is due to my own health, and a multitude of other problems that I can no longer keep on the back burner.

plenty of you have seen mentions of hospital visits and procedures on my blog, and while I’m not very comfortable oversharing about medical stuff I do want to be transparent about the fact that I will be posting fics less because of it. I’ve been in and out of semi hiatus for the better part of 4 months but I was always awful at sticking to it. next year I want to actually give myself grace, and take care of my body.

please do not fear!!! this resolution actually aligns perfectly with my writing goals for 2024. I want to focus on lengthening my word counts. I’d love to post fewer fics, but to have said fics be 25 to 50k respectively, rather than to post a lot of 1 to 15k fics. mostly I want to work on my own impatience when it comes to writing, and berate myself less for what I think I should be doing writing-wise. I will still be around on here, and I always want to talk with you guys (and read whenever the mood strikes!!), the biggest difference is I’ll have longer projects, and you’ll have to wait for them (though if I’m honest I will likely still post a shorter fic here and there lol).

I appreciate the patience a lot of you have already shown me this year, what with my random breaks and gaps between posting. you have all been so so kind and generous with your praise and I wouldn’t be here, writing and sharing, without that support. I love you all and wish you well going into the new year!!!!!

edited: 18/12/23

[dizzybizz]

ok but what if i was a huge kaeya stan, what then

[good-beanswrites]

An 0309 drabble for an anon ask I got a bit ago :) Thank you for being patient, I really enjoyed writing this!! It's actually a little moment I've wanted to write since I started Milgram fic, but never got around to it. (I mention his injured eye, but don't actually describe anything)

“Stop moving around so much.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“I mean it. You’ll make things worse.”

Mikoto watched as the intensity in Fuuta’s gaze flickered between fire and fear.

He had a doctor’s kit laid out on his lap. Recently, Shidou had his hands full with Mahiru’s treatments and having intense conversations with Haruka, so Mikoto wanted to give him a break. With none of the injuries actually healing as they should, the prisoners were caught in an endless loop of changing bandages and checking for complications.

Shidou was grateful for the help. Many of the others tolerated Fuuta in the same way they spent only the necessary time around Mikoto. They smiled and placated him, acting like he’d gone mad all of the sudden. Whatever was making the others avoid the two of them, it drew the pair together. Mikoto was finding he enjoyed Fuuta’s company. Something about him was rather… charming. 

“Me? You’re the asshole that will make things worse. You’re no doctor! Fuck you.”

Eh, maybe he had gone mad. 

He took comfort, at least, in the knowledge that Fuuta was growing more comfortable with him. He sure had a special way of showing it, but Mikoto didn’t brag about being a people-person for nothing – he picked up on the way Fuuta sought him out during the day, pretending to be involved in his own activities. The way he struck up a conversation, then acted as if it had been Mikoto’s idea to come over and bother him. 

Therefore it was exciting, though not surprising, when Fuuta allowed Mikoto to help treat his injuries. They had only done it a few times, but today brought a whole new challenge. 

“I’m not performing surgery or anything. Shidou said it just needs some basic disinfecting.” He flashed his usual grin. “I have a steady hand – I’m a photographer, you know.”

Aside from Shidou, Fuuta hadn’t allowed a single person to look under his eyepatch. 

He remained unamused by Mikoto’s smile. For better or worse, he could always tell when it was forced. “It’s not like I have any proof of that. You could be awful at it, for all I know.”

“First chance I get, I’ll request a camera and prove it. Want me to take a picture of you first?”

“If you haven’t already messed up my face…” Fuuta’s focus was glued to the hand carefully reaching towards him. 

Mikoto pouted his lips. “Shidou trusted me enough with this. And you must have, because you agreed earlier. So If it’s not about me… You’re not scared, are you?”

There were some things that Fuuta didn’t stop to see through. He sputtered in surprise. “Hell no!” He lifted his chin, finally taking his attention off Mikoto’s hands. He stared defiantly. “I can take it.”

Mikoto felt a bit guilty for resorting to foul play. But not that guilty. “Good. Now hold still...”

He got right to it. One hand held ginger hair out of the way, while the other pinched the corner of the eyepatch. Fuuta’s good eye darted nervously around the room, avoiding the other's close-leaning face. Mikoto peeled it away swiftly, gently

As a horror movie buff, the injury didn’t faze him in the slightest. As someone who’d grown close to Fuuta recently, he felt a wave of anguish at the sight.

Fuuta squirmed. “It’s nasty, isn’t it…”

Mikoto reached down for some supplies. He considered mustering up a smile and saying there was no need to worry so much, but it would have been pointless. Times like these, it was kind of a relief when someone else could see right through him for a change. 

“It looks like it hurts.”

“Tch, I don’t need any pity from you.”

“I was going to say, you hide it well. You’re tougher than the warden gives you credit for.”

His cheeks flushed red. “I – I don’t need any flattery from you either!”

“Don’t need anything from anybody, huh?”

Before he could come up with a retort, he hissed through his teeth in pain.

“Ah, sorry.” Mikoto immediately retracted his hand from where it had been dabbing alcohol onto the injury.

Steeling his expression, he muttered, “it’s fine.”

Mikoto tried again. He made sure to move with even more steadiness, his face drawn up in concentration. He saw Fuuta’s features flinch when he touched him, but he stayed still. The two were silent, now, as Mikoto worked. Leaning his face so close made the short task feel much longer. The reddening in his cheeks didn't subside.

He expected Fuuta to snatch the fresh eyepatch away the moment he unwrapped it – he was shocked that Fuuta let him adjust it into place without a word.

“Alright. You’re all set.” He started packing up the kit.

“Listen, don’t tell the others. About my eye.”

Mikoto squinted. He gestured to the right side of his face. “I hate to break it to you, but the big patch kinda gives you away.”

“You idiot! I just mean, don’t tell them what it looks like.” He pulled his hood down over his hair. “I don’t need everyone trying to steal a look at it like I’m some sort of freakshow.”

“Hey, of course.” Mikoto gave him a smile, the kind they both knew was genuine. “I’ve got you.”

Fuuta nodded. He turned his face away, his fingers lingering over where Mikoto’s had just been. “... And… thanks.”

[illusorysinger]

reposting this from twitter since i never put it here apparently. i drew it for the initial bunny outfit events but there's yet another bunny cafe event so here it is again, with original caption:

"POV you heard the Lords of Hell were wearing bunny ears at the club, and find out that tryhard human exchange student in your class is there too

+bonus post-shift snapshot

(THEY/THEM)"

[emisnt2]

rits in official art!!