#let's see how long this will continue

[thefaerielights]

BEST OF 2023 » Books

this vicious grace by emily thiede

“she wanted to rip down the sky and shred it with her fingernails, to pluck every star from the fabric of heavens until fathomless darkness matched the void inside her.”

[cinnamonbunsinmyhairr]

giffing eve: part v

[drenched-in-sunlight]

saying this as respectfully as possible but. Do not put fandom content creators on a pedestal. We are also just fans contributing to a community just as you are. We have boundary on our own work and that’s it. What I say is not and should not be considered sth the whole fandom should listen to. I’m just a normal ass person ranting about things on my blog. If it does not have a fandom tag for others to engage in, do not make it out to be me trying to start fights or addressing the whole community. Because it’s not.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, my art, my lore talk, is biased. I’ve never tried to hide that I view Marika a certain way and will always develop my theory following that base assumption.

Aside from translation stuffs and pointing out in-game items, everything else I say you can look at it, agree or disagree, and move on to form your own opinions. Just because I draw stuffs doesn’t mean you get to saddle me with responsibilities about managing fandom expectations. What the hell? I’m a fan artist, I’m the last person who you should look at for “leaderism” (?) WHAT?

I can and will be a hater in my own space, like I know sometimes other artists will just post their stuffs and not engage too heavily with fandom, and for a while I did try to do that here (because I’m already a dramatic ass on twitter), that’s just not me though.

You will get art and you will get my opinions as well.

[sluckythewizard]

[PUT INTO PLACE, TIED DOWN AND ARRANGED, AND IS NEVER THE SAME, AGAIN.]<-listen to my favorite songs. VAMPIRES ARE WONDERFUL ARENT THEY. THE FLESH IS SO MUCH MORE DURABLE. SO MUCH STRETCHIER THAN HUMANS. THE STRESS DOESNT KILL A VAMPIRE THE SAME WAY IT DOES A HUMAN. YOU CAN TAKE THEM APART THREAD BY THREAD AND LEAVE THEM WIDE AWAKE WITHOUT WORRY OF THE BRAINMATTER SPOILING UNDER VINEGARY AGONY.

[kindahoping4forever]

Ash via IG

[dea-thynote]

Death note au (dimension travel) where ryuk never got interested in the human world therefore there is no kira. And lawlight had this coworkers to frenemies (and possibly lovers) tension that their coworkers just loaths. After they worked on a case (that seemed to work on the supernatural and drove both of them insane trying to get evidence on) and finally caught the criminal which light apprehended. The criminal curses light to become the worst criminal there is and of course, Light ignores it and goes home to sleep. Only, maybe he shouldn't have because now he keeps waking up in various places (or universe?) Where he has to keep saving L from dying because of him. But in doing so, he also dies either from a heart attack or gets executed to death by L. His only way out would be to either find the criminal from the universe that cursed him, or become 'kira' a mass murderer that is apparently him.

They finally caught him. A criminal that has been going around for months that either commits the most complicated murder or petty crimes, without leaving a trace! Which shouldn't be possible, for months both L and light tried to catch that guy but he somehow gets away! That at one point, while L and light were arguing how, L just throws the theory of supernatural and denies it by saying 'we can figure it out once we catch him'. And they do catch him. Light apprehended the guy before he does what ever he was going to do. The guys glare was venomous. And while being dragged to the police car with his hands behind him, he glares at light and curses him to become the worst criminal the world has ever seen.

Light ignores this and just sighs tiredly. He comes back to the head quarters and makes his way to L, who has been waiting for him with a blank face. 'He's mad' light thought and slows his steps. L congratulates him for catching the guy but also mentions how reckless it was for light-kun to work alone and go against the plan. Light immediately defends himself saying he was getting away and he had to do it. L stares at him and says that he doesn't need to put himself in danger like that, especially when the criminal is unpredictable. Light scoffs.

"Careful L, you sound like you care about me."

"I do."

That made light speechless.

"Afterall, Light-kun is my first friend."

"... oh"

Light excuses himself, mentions how he was tired and rushes out. L stares back to his monitor and plays back recordings of the criminal.

Light makes it to his home and settles down. He forgot about the mentioned curse and just thinks about his conversation with L. To him, L was both admirable and an asshole. Light finds himself fascinated whenever L speaks about his theories and findings, only for the moment to shatter everytime L tries to single him out.

'Afterall, Light-kun is my first friend."

Light shakes his head and dismisses thought. 'Yeah right'. He lays down and closes his eyes. Yeah, he just needs to rest, no need to think about L, considering that man is a manipulative liar.

But then he wakes up. Disoriented and catches himself before he falls down (falls down? Why is he standing?) He hears the sound of rushing rain and immediately becomes confused. 'Where is he?' He looks around, it seems to be a rooftop and in front of him was, L. Huh? What was he doing there? L is looking up. There's a sense of melancholy around the place that causes lights heart to stutter. And looking at L's expression his heart might've as well paused. The benefit of working with L for years had been that light was confident that he could easily read L's expression and posture and know what he's thinking. He's never seen L like this. Like he has already lost. Like he had given up, and waiting to his death. Light feels a sinking worry grow to his heart and calls out to him, asking him what he was doing there? When it became evident that L couldn't hear him, he walks to him, using his hand as a cover though it doesn't seem to stop the rain from going to his face.

Light asks him again and L mentions hearing a bell. The bell has been ringing non stop lately, can he hear it? Light shakes his head, and says he doesn't. Really? He wonders whether it was a church, maybe a wedding or perhaps... L pauses. Light is getting frustrated (he ignores the feeling of anxiousness or worry) and asks L what he's getting at, he should cut it out and they should go inside (because this isn't- this isn't a look that should be on L. This is not like him). L looks down and apologizes, and light's anxiousness grows even more evident in his face. "Nothing I say makes any sense anyway"

Light doesn't like it. He doesn't like the downcast expression plastered on L's face. His heart is slowly sinking down, and he fixes his expression into an amused one. If there's one thing light yagami knows, it's to frustrate L just as much as he frustrates him. So he agrees, and remarks how if he takes anything L says seriously there would not end his trouble. The words that would've been genuine at any other time feels like Ash to his tongue. He silently pleads, any expression on L's face would've been better than the one he is wearing right now. L stares at him,

"Tell me light, from the moment you were born. Has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?"

Light's heart skips a beat. L's face looks determined and accusing that it frustrates and confuses light even more. He couldn't take this anymore and is just confused why L is acting like this (like he's a criminal that should be arrested). And he couldn't take it anymore. He sighs angrily, and ruffles his head. A frustrated expression morphs to his face and he glares at L.

"What are you talking about L? Are you still mad about the case? I did what I had to do! I just-" light looks down, not catching the confused stare L gives him and stubbornly mutters

"I'm... sorry okay? I'll listen to you this time alright? Just-" don't make that face. Don't make that expression.

He doesnt continue and let's the silence fill the conversation. Before he hears a sneeze, which he drags L back to the building.

They both dry themselves off with a towel. Now that light is sitting down on the stairs, he thinks more about his situation right now. And realizes some things. He doesn't recognize this place and that what he's wearing right now is different from when he slept at his place. Those thoughts were interrupted by L apologising again, and crouching to his feet, towel in hand. L offers to dry his feet off, which light begrudgingly agrees to. Again, L looks like he's showing weakness which light resents.

"It'll be lonely, wouldn't it?"

Light resents him even more. And before L could say anything else, Light grips on his collar, until they are close to each other and seethes. He yells at L, what's wrong with him. Why is he acting like this? He couldn't control his expression before it morphs into worry and anxiousness. "You know you can talk to me about it right?" L stares at him. His face hardens, and light could see that he doesn't believe him even for a second.

'Just... why? What happened?'

His expression pleads for L to answer. To say anything. But L just stares at him, before his expression goes back to it again.

Light silently follows him. He would never admit it, but he's worried okay? This guy literally just told him he was his 'first' friend yesterday, and now he's acting weird. (And also it becomes apparent to him that this might not be a dream, to his frustration, and since he doesn't know where to go he mostly follows to not get lost).

They're at the monitor room and the task force greets them, some looking at a space warily. Light couldn't help but feel at awe with how different this place was and although he recognizes some people in there He's confused why there's only a few officers here. And soon, L announces his plan on testing the death note (death note?). The officers and his father were protesting which L dismisses. And then an alarm rings, L looks up at one of the monitors worryingly, as the data deletion happens. The officers panics and looks for the 'shinigami' which confuses light to also look around and looks back at L.

His eyes widen as L froze in shock, dropping the spoon from his hand before swaying and collapses. Light, catching his frozen expression, rushes and jumps to catch him before his body hit the floor. Light felt his heart stop as he looks at L, He's not dying-- is he? Light's face finally cracks as his face morphs to what he's feeling. From anxious, to horror, to worry. He tries to shake L, to stay with them, and shuffles for his phone. He can't find it, where is it!? He looks to the task force and shouts for them to call for help- an ambulance- fucking ANYTHING!

He doesnt get to see L's expression, his confusion and his sorrow. Even at the very end he didn't get the confirmation that light is kira. How cruel.

Light decided that he wants to get revenge. When they ask him to become the next L, he says yes. After all, he can't let who killed L know he's dead and also to proceed testing the death note. Light shut down every or any protest against the idea. This might not be his universe, but he would make sure that this criminal faces his deserved justice. After countless of sleepless nights (with all the data deleted he has to start from scratch. But it doesn't matter, he's confident in his skills) he gathers any and every information about kira from news articles, to his methods, to the theories. (He ignores the sinking feeling that the ideals of kira seems to align with his morals). And before he knows it, 13 days had passed after the prisoners used the death note.

They did not die.

And after the rule were discovered to be fake. Light and misa were arrested and before he knows it, he's already about to be executed. With his and misa's name and face plastered on every news media, even if they escaped or proven to be innocent. They would be damned by the public. He thinks about L in his last moments, and tries to process what is happening.

'It'll be lonely, wouldn't it?'

He sees a familiar figure at his execution. That man is--

He wakes up again. A phantom feeling of the pain he felt from the execution. And face to face with L pointing a gun to his direction.

[starlooove]

“Fandom isn’t fun anymore fandom isn’t fun anymore” tbh it just feels like white racist “normies” jumped in as opposed to white racist nerds and for me personally u can feeeel it kinda but it doesn’t change much

[sunburstsky]

So in this last episode we had confirmed:

1. Indri, who 2/3rds of the party is infatuated with, is Big BAD Lady in a very real way and can call down the memories of stars, including the ones shining into her library

2. If you “flee” (and i just feel that the definition of that might be a little squishy in this specific scenario) *within a mile* of Grimore, you are as good as dead

oh this is DELICIOUS

[trappedinafantasy37]

Time to go back to Act 1 for some shenaninanigans and to gobble up some missing XP!

First, went back to the goblin camp. But, no one was there except for this little guy. So, Minthara took out what was left of the goblin trash.

Went to the creche. I had heard some rumors that Minthara had spoken dialogue here. I was actually surprised to hear it though! What could have been if Larian let us recruit her in Act 1...

Gotta keep the hood up to protect her eyes from the evil evil sun!

Fought some evil cats.

And some evil birbs.

And killed a kid! HAHAHAHA! Maybe Minthara is the real Dark Urge.

Hopped in the zaithisk to get the Awakened buff, she wasn't too thrilled about it. Also stole all the worms in the infirmary and Minthara now has all the illithid powers!

Are you truly a lesbian if you don't habitually commit mass murder with your evil girlfriend?

If Lathander didn't want me to take it, then why did he put it on a pedestal? Is he stupid?

Cute date ideas for evil lesbians: a hike in the mountains, mass murder, pissing off the gods, and the destruction of sacred temples!

Welp, one of my most despised areas of the game is done! Got some goodies, got some monies, and a level up! Now to officially dive into Act 2. Thanks for tuning in, see you in the next progress update!

<The Shadow Curse Lands and rescuing Minthara | Act 2 Shenaninanigans>

The Story of Act 1

[bayesiandragon]

Not sure I care enough to engage with the post, but to read SVSSS + extras and come away with the interpretation that SJ doesn't care about why YQY failed to save him, just that he did fail, and therefore would never forgive him or change his behavior towards him if he learned the truth, feels off-place to me. It seems to lean into the view that SJ doesn't actually care about YQY, just sees him as a useful tool, and thus couldn't be hurt by the supposed abandonment - with that interpretation it would then make sense to think he would neither care nor change his behavior (towards YQY) upon learning what actually happened.

[valoale]

I finally did it

I finally said goodbyes to my Ron and changed my pfp to my own art and I feel like I’ve betrayed Ron and committed a treason or something

You’ll be forever cherished 🫡

[thatonecrookedsmile]

The Ink Demonth 2024:

-Tea-

-----

I got distracted by watching a stream in the middle of painting this, so this thing is coming out a... little later than I wanted. Also no quote at the beginning because I'm out of ideas.

'Tea' is a pretty simple prompt so there wasn't much I could do other than something just… simple. I didn't really have a clue who to use for this prompt though, but I ended up going with Emma Lamont from Boris and the Dark Survival. Long time since I last drew her.

Looking at other people's entries, I realized that using Betty would have made more sense and I'm surprised I didn't consider her sooner, but at the end of the day I'm okay with the choice I went with because in the end I'm giving the spotlight to a character I haven't seen people talk about in a long time.

Remember Emma? I wouldn't be surprised if one didn't. Heck, I can't even lie, she's not a character I think about often. I went to look at her tag, and that tag in the last 3 years only had 3 "recent" posts between 2021 and 2023 (except, of course, mine). Plus,her small appearance in BATDS doesn't help much. The last time I touched on her design was 2 years ago, on a sketch of her that I never finished (funnily enough, a sketch I was using for the purpose of redesigning her). I took what I had done (head/face/hair), dusted it off, and just expanded the idea a bit. It's not much, and probably not very accurate for a "1940s English Dance Teacher", but I doubt I'll go back to this design any time soon,and I don't know what else I could add in her design. (maybe earrings, I don't know)

With all that in mind, I don't have a problem with Emma. Kind of indifferent to her at the end of the day, but she has her place in the franchise, one that at the end of the day,it doesn't hurt to pay attention to again. And I find her story kind of funny. Another one being a victim of not being given a proper workspace/office of her own, and forced to create new dance steps in a bathroom. I like to think that she and Jack "I Write Better Lyrics In The Sewers" Fain had some kind of friendship. I've had an animatic idea since 2020 that adapts Jack's audio from BATDS and she was included. I never made it,though.

I kind of doubt we'll hear more of her in the Lone Wolf update. Her existence in the game seems like it was just a way to justify why we're suddenly collecting dance steps inside toilets, and I kind of doubt they'll expand on her beyond that. A shame. But then again, LW hasn't released it yet, and it's promised to add lots of new stuff, so who knows what could happen,I guess.

Somewhat related to the topic(s), what's your opinion on tea? As far as I remember, I've never tried it. And to be honest, I don't think I've ever been curious to try it. Is it good? Is it worth trying? This prompt got me thinking about it. I doubt I'll try it eventually, but I guess it doesn't hurt to ask, right?

[bisquitly]

"I'm just gonna buy few bags of beads. It's not like I'm gonna do much with them"

*5 hours later *

... okay where the heck all these bracelets came?!?!?

[softquietsteadylove]

Hiii!!

Can I request another part for the human Thena/eternal Gil Au but this time Thena sees Gil’s in action? You described his powers briefly yet so beautifully in the last part!

Thank you so much and please keep going I love to read your work!

The walk was quiet.

They had gathered at Sersi's flat to discuss what would have to happen from this point forward. Sersi and Gil - the Eternals - had whispered between themselves in the kitchen. Occasionally, they would glance out at their humans--herself and Mister Whitman.

Dane was still there, talking with Sersi. He lived close, and would also return when the rest of their plan was in motion. For now, all they could do was wait for the rest of the Eternals to arrive, and aside from one, that would take very real time to make happen.

Apparently, the only one who could fly was Ikaris.

Thena looked beside her. Gil had insisted that if she wasn't going to stay safely inside at Sersi's for an indeterminate amount of time, then he had to walk her home personally. And probably escort her back, now that she thought of it.

Gil's hand was warm around hers.

The first time he'd held her hand was after he had helped her out of a taxi she had taken to get to their second dinner date after work. In all her eagerness not to be late she had opted not to walk instead of just letting Gil know she would have to be ten minutes late at most. Because those ten minutes had seemed irrevocably important, at the time.

He had stood outside the restaurant, waiting for her like a gentleman. He paid her fare before she could protest and by the time she had the door open he was grasping her hand and helping her out. She had worn somewhat less comfortable shoes to work to have ones for their date. Gil had kissed her hand and complimented her.

He'd held her hand the rest of the way to their table, too. They talked all through dinner, then through the multiple desserts Gil had ordered so as to try as many as possible. They talked through coffee and then it eventually became clear that the restaurant was attempting to close, and they were the last patrons taking up their space. He'd held her hand when they walked home, too.

Gil felt her staring at him and turned his head. "You okay?"

It was a loaded question. She had survived her first real Deviant attack. It was possibly the first of many, if she intended on sticking around. Even if she didn't, that thing had known her name. It was doubtful she could be rid of the experience even if she did decide to abandon ship and try to forget she ever knew Gilgamesh.

And how could she do that? It would be simply impossible for her to forget the whirlwind love she had met not even a few months ago.

"Thena?"

She managed a smile for him, although it didn't seem to comfort him any. It was an unconvincing as she thought it was. She gave his hand a squeeze though, "I should be asking you that."

He scoffed, waving his other hand in front of him dismissively. "We've been fighting these things for ages."

She looked towards the river on the other side of the street. She might never look at it the same way again, she realised. "Not that one, though."

She heard Gil sigh through his nose before looking at him again. "No, I guess not."

Thena slowed their pace until they were stopped. It was late enough, plus all the chaos downtown left them the street to themselves. She faced Gil head on, taking both his hands in hers. "I realise you can't get nearly as hurt as I can. But I don't think anyone would be unaffected by facing a monster like that."

Gil's face turned somber. Melancholy didn't suit his cheerful features, but he stroked her hand with his thumb again. "I really am sorry, Thena."

"It's not your fault."

"But-" he argued and nearly tripped over his words to do so. "That-that...thing!--it knew you because of me. If I had known-"

"Gil-"

"I never would have let it live." His tone grew dark, and she really believed the anger behind it. She hadn't seen him mad much either, but his words were fierce as he grasped her hands. "I would have hunted it down and made sure it was dead."

"Gil," she attempted to soothe him. The concern was for her, but all she could think was that it didn't suit him to seem so unhappy. She liked seeing him smile and hearing him laugh more. She raised her hand to his cheek, "you may not get that luxury, you realise."

He put his hand over hers, turning his head so he could kiss her palm. "I've got nothing but time, Thena."

Her stomach twisted as the massive - truly infinite - gap between them was brought to the forefront of her mind again. It felt almost trivial; she had no business fretting over the status of her relationship while that beast still walked the earth. But she leaned closer. "Well, I don't."

Gil looked startled by what she said, but he leaned down to accept her kiss. She had seen his strength earlier tonight, but he was so incredibly gentle with her.

She tilted her head at him, his fingertips in her hair from holding her cheeks. "I want more time with you, Gil. So, we'll figure out a way to make that happen."

His eyes flickered for a moment, and she could almost swear she could see those little glowing specs of gold within his eyes. He leaned in and kissed her again. "I want eternity with you, Thena."

It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to her, and on probably the worst night of her life, too. But she grasped the edges of his brown leather jacket as they parted. If golden energy lived in his eyes then surely a painfully obvious love lived in hers. "Gil-"

"Thena!"

Gil pulled her behind him instantly. The spray from the river didn't quite reach them, but that thing landed heavily. Gil raised his fist. That funny compression of air happened, her ears felt the change and a sound like the air caving in on itself fell over them.

Gil didn't wait for that creature to come over to them. He didn't leave it room to escape, either. He held the vines emerging from its neck and landed his hit. It was like canon fire--if not by sound, then by impact.

Thena looked away, wind rushing purely from the force being exerted and traded through kinetic energy. Those gold flecks that looked like sparks floated by her again. She forced herself to look as Gil landed another two hits. "Gil!"

"You're not getting away this time!" he roared at his enemy, holding it with one hand. He didn't need both to do the damage he could. Sometimes his fist would raise and hold for just a second before coming down again, heavier than before.

Thena watched, seeing lines of gold tracing through the air as Gil moved. It was like a constellation moving, it was mesmerising, in a terrifying way. His fist would fly, sometimes double and triple layered with that energy. Then it would come down and that vacuum of sound would pop again.

The creature wrestled itself free from him, holding its disgusting claw hand over its own injuries.

Gil held his ground, not pursuing too far away from her but not retreating either. "I see what you are."

"Ay...jack...A-Jax...Ajak..." it was haunting to hear the thing speak. It sounded out words like it was learning them in real time. The maw of teeth it had shuffled around as it adapted to speech instead of primitive growls. "Ajak...pow...er...Ajak's...power!"

"Move!"

Gil could move quickly if he propelled himself with his own powers. He destroyed the cobblestones under his feet again as he launched himself at her. He scooped her up, narrowly avoiding the thing launching itself at them.

Thena shuddered, although it was Gil's body that made impact with the side of the building. She heard a crack, and she hoped it was the concrete and plaster instead of anything in Gil's body.

Gil held up his arm, keeping the thing at bay like a dog that was latching onto his forearm. He held it out as far as he could, but the thing's teeth were right there, its breath rustling her hair while she was tucked between Gil's defending arm and the safety of burying herself in his chest.

There wasn't much that he could do in this position. He was doing his best to protect her, but he couldn't make any advancement either.

Thena forced herself to look. That nightmare was right there, gnashing its teeth around the illusion of Gil's arm. His powers were absorbing the blow, but she had to wonder if there was a limit to his stamina.

"Thena?" Gil blinked as her hands moved.

She didn't know what she was doing. Maybe she was just making things harder for him. But she pushed Gil's arm with everything she had in her. Gil was the strong one, but maybe even he could use what little support her human arms could offer.

It was fascinating. It really felt like Gil's arm, but she could see the outline of his powers layered around him. It was humbling to witness something so powerful - so ageless - so close.

Gil wrapped his other arm around her waist. He leaned his shoulders forward and dug his feet in. "Hold onto me, sweetheart."

She squeezed her eyes shut as Gil spun them all. He had the strength, and it didn't take much to build momentum. They all moved as one, and on the second turn he threw the thing away.

Its massive, wiry body demolished the car it hit, sounding the alarm.

"Shit," he cursed, although his hold on her remained. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, although already upstairs lights in flats were being turned on. People would be out here and on their phones any second. "Gil, we should go."

"But that thing is-"

"You can kill it later," she hissed at him, already trying to usher him away from the street and down a darker alley. "You'll get another chance. But not if people see you and plaster your face everywhere!"

"I'm not letting that thing live," he growled through his teeth. But ultimately, he let her lead him away and into the shadows. "I can't let it find you again."

"Gil-"

Maybe all Eternals' powers had a sound to them. A high pitched rumbling sounded as a beam of light fired directly into the thing. Whichever Eternal that was, they certainly had no problems being found out by the modern age.

"Gil," Thena attempted to urge him away again, tugging at his jacket. But she also looked as the laser cut straight through the thing's neck. She moved closer to Gil as a figure floated down directly in view of their alley. It turned towards them.

"I'm surprised Gil," the man chuckled, "thought that thing would be easy pickin's for you."

"I was distracted," Gil scowled in his direction, keeping his hold on her all the while. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to help."

"I doubt that."

Thena looked between the two of them. She could only guess, but by context clues alone, she already knew the man was an Eternal, could fly, had laser eyes like some sort of comic book hero, and the accent was more anecdotal than anything. But still, she felt reasonably confident when she asked, "Ikaris?"

[absentlyabbie]

i've developed some interesting methods of handling having a relationship with my mother who made my childhood/teen years misery and committed more than a little abuse.

as an adult, we have a very different dynamic, her daughters (sister and i) have confronted her with a lot of her bullshit and the things she both did and enabled. for some she has been sorrowful and even sometimes apologetic. she's a better mother to me now than she ever was when i most needed one. so i'll never actually trust her again, and she'll never be much deeper than surface level in my life, but we have something mostly good now, and on my terms.

however, she is very definitely one of those "i don't remember it that way" and "i did the best i could" mothers in a lot of areas, and has also always been the type to (probably unconsciously) emotionally manipulate the people she's hurt into catering to her hurt feelings about it instead.

over the years i've learned to get really comfortable with just not indulging it.

is she having a bad day, seems sad and upset? i'll give her a hug, try to make her laugh. if she throws broad hints it's a surge of hurt feelings about having driven one of her children to cut her off? well i'm just gonna stand there and not acknowledge or entertain it.

"well, apparently i was a bad mother" or shit like that? i'm just gonna look at her for a second, and i might either shrug or even nod, but i'm not saying a damn thing. i'm not awkwardly, uncomfortably, painfully contorting to her guilt trip nonsense. i'm not apologizing or trying to soothe her or reassure her or minimize it.

like, yeah. you really were. you know it, glad to hear it. we've definitely had that talk.

best kindness, most generosity i can offer her in times like that is not maintaining eye contact to bluntly tell her "yeah, you were." she can go ahead and feel bad about it.

it's not on me to make her feel less bad. she should feel bad. and i am definitely not someone she gets to seek comfort from about it.

hopefully someday she'll inch past just "poor me, i'm so sad and angsty about it" towards, like, examining the whys and acknowledging what she actually did wrong and work actively to be be better. in a few places, some of that has happened.

but that's her work. her job and responsibility. she can do that shit on her own time.

i say all this to offer a shoulder of solidarity to others like me. if you maintain a complicated relationship as an adult with the parent who hurt you and did you wrong as a child, that is okay. you get to choose how and if to thread that needle.

but you don't have to accommodate emotional manipulation and guilt trip garbage. stonewall it. walk away if you need to. don't apologize. don't try to make it better. that's not on you and it doesn't have to be. it's okay.

[rewritingcanon]

quoting the entire revised act four scene fourteen from the cursed child because it needs to be tattooed onto my brain:

SCORPIUS and ALBUS run into a room, and up a staircase where they are loitering and talking to one another. ALBUS is a few stairs above SCORPIUS, and is looking down on him. Enter ROSE who hides at the bottom of the staircase and listens to them.

Scorpius (excited): I can’t quite believe I did that.

Albus: I can’t quite believe you did that either.

Scorpius: Rose Granger-Weasley. I asked Rose-Granger Weasley…. to be my friend!

ROSE frowns in confusion and at the bottom of the stairs.

Albus (also excited): And she said no!

Scorpius: But I asked her. I planted the acorn. The acorn that will grow into our eventual… allegiance.

Albus: But you do know that Rose hates you?

Scorpius: Correction, she used to hate me, but did you see the look in her eyes when I asked? That wasn’t hate… that was pity!

SCORPIUS is smiling with glee, whilst ROSE cringes.

Albus: And pity’s good?

Scorpius: Pity is the start of a foundation on which to build a palace — a palace of harmony.

They laugh briefly, even ROSE has to stifle herself from her own amusement. Then ALBUS becomes serious and goes quiet. He steps down towards SCORPIUS until they are close together, and then puts a tender hand on his shoulder, almost intimate in the moment of it all.

Albus (quietly and very softly): And that’s who you want? In your palace?

Another silence. SCORPIUS looks confused, ROSE looks sad. She realises his longing.

Scorpius (floored by the sudden sentimentality of the moment): Yes… I— I think. Right?

ROSE steels herself, and emerges from her spot under the stairs to meet them from the bottom.

Rose: Hi.

SCORPIUS and ALBUS turn to her immediately. ALBUS’ hand is still on SCORPIUS’ shoulder. ROSE looks at the both of them intently, and neither boy knows quite how to reply.

Rose: This is only going to be weird if you two let it be weird.

ROSE looks between both of them very purposefully. ALBUS grows self conscious at this and quickly removes his hand from SCORPIUS’ shoulder.

Scorpius: Received and entirely understood.

ROSE looks at ALBUS.

Rose (very gently): Are you okay?

Albus (smiling at her but a little weak): Yeah.

ROSE smiles back, and exits. Another momentary silence.

Albus: Maybe pity is a start.

Scorpius: Are you heading to Quidditch? Slytherin are playing Hufflepuff — it’s a big one —

Albus: I thought we hated Quidditch?

Scorpius: People can change.

They both start walking down the stairs in the direction of where ROSE left.

Scorpius: Besides, I’ve been practising. I think I might make the team! …Eventually. Come on.

SCORPIUS starts walking off but ALBUS stops on the bottom stair. SCORPIUS looks back at him.

Albus: I can’t. My dad’s arranged to come up—

Scorpius: He’s taking time away from the Ministry?

Albus: He wants to go on a walk— something to show me— share with me— something.

Scorpius: A walk?

Albus: I know, I think it’s a bonding thing.

Both SCORPIUS and ALBUS pause before simultaneously and very dramatically pretending to vomit. They laugh.

Albus: Still, you know, I think I’ll go.

SCORPIUS reaches in and hugs ALBUS, who is a head taller than him due to the height of the stair he’s still standing on. ALBUS is frozen for a moment before he reciprocates and they are still. When ALBUS breaks the silence, his face is pressed so very close to SCORPIUS’.

Albus: What’s this? I thought we decided we don’t hug.

SCORPIUS dislocates from ALBUS.

Scorpius: I wasn’t sure. Whether we should. In this new version of us.

ALBUS smiles at him as SCORPIUS walks off without him. SCORPIUS smiles at him when he looks back.

ALBUS (still smiling, full): I’ll see you at dinner.