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trashlie · 5 months

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In Which I Cry Some More About Tragic Siblings

Heads up that this post WILL contain spoilers up through FP 248 so do NOT read this if you don't want to be spoiled!!!!! But in light of 248, I have some strong convictions about Nol and Kousuke's future (like, way future lol) relationship and where we might see them head.

We've been talking a lot on the ILY discord server about family - especially in light of the confirmation that the long-fabled theory that Rand isn't Kousuke's father is coming to light, in terms of what does this mean for their relationship and how do we define family. There feels like, amongst all the other running themes lol, to be a running theme about family and how it isn't necessarily defined by blood.

We see this in how it's clear that Rand seems to have had suspicions about Kousuke's parentage for a while and that it feels like he's only acting on them now in need of a bargaining chip, but that he's always treated Kousuke as his son regardless of whether or not he fathered Kousuke. We've seen how despite believing that Kousuke and Nol share blood they could not force a brotherly bond to form between them, even though Rand had so hoped one would. And though it's not a territory we've had a chance to explore yet, I think we'll get to explore it with Shinae and her own estranged sister, and may see that blood cannot define family, especially when you have been estranged and are virtually strangers.

The conversation leading to this thought was essentially that while Shinae and Shinhye may be (potentially half) sisters, quimchee has given some vague hints that they may not be able to forge a relationship in the future, whether it's because Shinhye is dishonest or is involved with shady dealings or other circumstances, it feels like there may be a narrative that despite sharing blood, you can't force family. Shinhye is not a person that Shinae grew up with and though a part of her longed for her family to be reunited and whole once more, they grew up apart and into separate people, and who Shinhye has grown into may be incompatible with her, may not be someone who can mesh with her.

This feels like it parallels - and especially as a foil - heavily with Nol and Kousuke who everyone has believed are related and have been forced to act as siblings but absolutely cannot, due to the paranoia and fear that is so deeply ingrained in Kousuke. And it feels even more inverted - Shinae and Shinhye who share blood but grew up apart, compared to Nol and Kousuke who share no blood and were pushed to be a family. It feels like there's a theme here about how family is what you make of it - that family can certainly be the people to whom you're related by blood, but sometimes they are found family. Sometimes they are the people you call your family, regardless of your shared blood.

Rand may not have fathered Kousuke, and we don't know for how long he's had his suspicions about his parentage, but we do know that he has always treated him as his son. I know that people will jump on the weird take about how "That's why Rand was always so distant from Kousuke" as if not being the blood relative to Kousuke could ever justify being an absent father - as if Yui wasn't busy orchestrating Rand's absence. Not that I say the blame is solely on Yui, but we also know that Rand has shown the inclination to wanting to play his role as Kousuke's parent and we've seen plenty enough to know that Yui has meddled.

The point is: Rand loves Kousuke, and his distance in Kousuke's life has never been that he doesn't feel that Kousuke is his and therefore he can't love him. Plenty of people are step-parents to children they love as their own, because that's what family is. Plenty of people adopt children they love as much as if they'd birthed them themselves. This narrative of "he can't connect with someone he didn't father" is gross and disgusting and more over, the narrative has shown that was never the case.

And with this thinking, even though we are at a point where Nol is casting people from his life and appears to be heading into his revenge arc, my conviction feels stronger than ever that we will see some kind of reconciliation between Nol and Kousuke, because the theme of "family is what you make of it" just feels so strong, and the potential foil to Shinae and her own sister. That's not to say that Nol would ever entirely forgive Kousuke and they would suddenly be the partners in crime they could have been as much as I feel like part of Nol's narrative is that he is going to find himself in Kousuke's shoes. He already is well on his way, with his interaction with Alyssa, thinking of her hickeys as the result of cheating. Years from now he, too, will have his Kousuke moment of horror when he finds out what was happening to Alyssa, how she got those marks, what she meant when she told him it was "just business" and he will realize how he cast her away when she came to him in her desperate time of need, as Kousuke did to him before. Something else I'd like to talk about when I'm in the headspace to write about it is how Nol's revenge arc will very likely parallel what may be Yui's origins (stream episode 7 of ILY Tea with Trashellie if you don't want to wait for me to write it lmao) which may bring him to a point of understanding how Kousuke ended up where he did - how fear and anger drive and consume you.

What this is getting at really is just to say: I think we might see a future where Nol will be able to face Kousuke and say that he understands. It doesn't undo their past, it doesn't make up for what was lost, or what was done. But I think there is something so important in Nol being able to get that distance and understand, to see how Kousuke, too, was a victim, how his innocent needs were preyed upon and how his hunger for his father's love turned starvation coupled with the deep-seated paranoia and fear lead him to the desperate lengths it did. I think there's going to come a time where Nol will be pulled back from crossing a line and understand.

We already see that Kousuke shows so much shame and, I think remorse, for the things he has done. So much guilt. He knows there was no justification - what he thought justified his actions was all lies, was all manipulation. The mentality that they are different, the paranoia his mother cultivated in him that he used to distance himself from others, that isolated him from others because who could he trust but her - and she, it turned out, was the worst of them all. And while Nol is not ready to hear Kousuke's regrets or apologies, because it's too little too late right now, I think in the future, when he's been consumed, or maybe when he's healed, when he's had enough distance, when he's been able to step back far enough to see that in the end, they both were victims, they were both children who had SO MUCH stolen from them, that even if they couldn't then, maybe now they can start over.

I don't think it's going to be a fairytale ending. I don't think they can be the brothers I want them to be. Kousuke's wounds cut too deep and Nol is too raw from them but I think that's why I see it as starting over. They are different people, have had so much stolen from each other, have lost so much (and will continue to).

But I believe more than ever that they will reconcile. The bridge imagery has always been there and has made me feel this so strongly, but I feel like the family themes make me feel it even more strongly - this sense that they may not share blood after all, but that isn't what makes you family. Sometimes family is a choice. It's choosing to be there for each other. It's choosing to care. It's choosing to love. It doesn't depend on blood - it just depends on depending, doesn't it?

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softquietsteadylove · 9 days

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Hello birdie 🖤✨

I've got something for the Life Interrupted AU.

Thena isn't feeling well lately and is considering to go back into this hellhole where she's getting drugged to unconsciousness. She's packing her stuff when Gil shows up. He's trying to talk it out of her.

(And I definitely didn't had this Idea because I'm stuck in one of those hellholes, lol)

✨🖤Hugs an Love🖤✨

"Going somewhere?"

Thena sighed, setting down one of her shirts and staring down at her bed. "I was thinking about it."

Gil walked further into her room, having just arrived. "Druig texted me. Really surprised me to hear from him, but he said you've been acting weird--wants me to 'talk to some sense into you'."

Thena let out a humourless chuckle. "I'm surprised he decided to entrust you with that task."

"Gotta say, I am too," Gil agreed quietly until he was standing behind her. "I have to agree--you seem a little anxious lately."

She had been nervous, jumpy, and Gil knew it. They hadn't been able to go out on a date in weeks because she felt on the verge of a panic attack at the thought of having to navigate crowds or risk running into someone. "Maybe...maybe I should consider-"

"Don't," he whispered, placing his hand gently over hers. Her bag was already half full. "Don't say you're going back to that place."

Thena squeezed her eyes shut, tears already burning the insides of them. "Where should I go, Gil?"

"Anywhere else," he concluded. He pulled her hand away from packing up as if she were sailing off into the horizon. He moved slowly and gently until he could sit on the chair in the corner of her room and look up at her. "Please, Thena, just talk to me."

When he was seated lower, she had no excuse not to look at him. But she stared down at his hands, holding hers so, so gently. "Druig and Makkari have been looking at places again."

Gil raised his brows. "That...that's good...right?"

It was. It was what she wanted. She wanted their lives to continue on after the ugliness of the last year. She wanted her brother to feel free to settle down and marry the love of his life. And he could do that without worrying about his sister, she was determined.

"He keeps asking me to see them," she admitted quietly, as if Druig had his ear pressed against the door and would be wounded by overhearing her. "He keeps picking rooms that he says can be mine--if I so choose."

"So," Gil prompted, giving her hands a little squeeze, "what's so bad about that?"

Thena shook her head, looking up around the ceiling of her room to keep her tears from falling. "I'm not some child he has to drag around with him. He should be choosing a home to suit him and his wife, not worrying about his burdensome sister."

"Come on," Gil whispered, his eyes drifting downward from the sheer weight of Thena's discouragement. "You know he doesn't think of you like that."

Thena sighed, pulling her hands from Gil's and plopping herself on the corner of her bed. She pressed them to her head, trying to keep them from shaking. "I know he doesn't. That is exactly the problem."

"Okay, so you don't want him worrying about you," Gil shrugged, turning in the chair to face her head on again.

Thena stared down at her knees. She wasn't wearing her work dress and stockings with a tight ponytail. But she couldn't bring herself to wear soft sweatpants anymore, opting for athleisure leggings and a cardigan at even her most comfortable.

"What else?"

She toyed with her fingernails. "I don't want to live here alone."

Gil nodded again, leaning back in the chair.

She hunched over herself more, despite her sore back. "It's not about the cost, it's...I can't be here by myself, thinking all these...things."

"Okay, so we'll find somewhere else for you," Gil leapt at the opportunity to suggest an alternative. He leaned forward again, even scooching toward the edge of the seat. "I'll help you look."

She smiled, although she still wasn't feeling the intent behind the action. "Druig offered the same. Even Makkari--but that's not the point."

Gil seemed to understand what she was getting at. And of course he did, it was Gil. He was sweet, and understanding, and he always seemed to know what she was trying to say, even if she didn't have the words. "You want to find a place for yourself."

She sighed, looking at her hands again. "I don't seem capable of anything these days."

Gil took her hands in his again, rubbing his thumb over her skin. "You know that's not true."

She wasn't as sure as he was. She never was--never had his confidence, or positivity. It was something she both envied and admired about him. She loved it about him. "Maybe-"

"No!"

She blinked, taken aback by his outburst. He was always so soft spoken, especially with her. She had never heard him so much as raise his voice. The only things he did loudly were laughing and sneezing.

"Maybe nothing!" he pressed, standing from the chair. "That place never did you any good. I don't think it does anyone any good! And I will not let you go back to that misery!"

Thena's eyes fluttered, her back straightening. Her heart began to squeeze at the sheer volume of things, but this was Gil--she was safe with him.

"Thena," he finally quieted again, kneeling in front of her. "You never have to go back to that place, okay? I don't care if you have a nervous breakdown--I'll take care of you. I'll take better care of you than they ever would in there. Just--just promise me you won't go back there because you're worried about burdening people."

She blinked, those tears she was trying to hold back finally falling. It was completely dark outside, her small bedside lamp offering minimal lighting. But it caught Gil's features in just such a way that made him seem so beautiful. "I don't want to go back there."

"Good," he nodded, turning her hand so he could press his lips to it.

"But," she gasped, her lip wobbling. She clung to him. "But what if I'm not me, anymore?"

"You're exactly who you need to be," he said without a hint of doubt in his voice. "You're Thena."

So completely unwavering, her Gilgamesh.

"You're my Thena," he repeated, softer this time, kissing the back of her other hand before pulling her up to stand with him. His hands slipped around waist to rest at her back. "That's all you need to be."

She wasn't sure who 'Thena' was, at times. At least, not as she knew herself before all this. Gil kept saying that the past year was a part of her, for better or worse. But she just wanted to leave it behind--to revert to the version of her that had existed before it all.

"Look," he whispered, still holding her so gently. "Maybe that's easy for me to say. I didn't know you before. But the Thena I know is pretty damn amazing."

She let another laugh, still not humoured in the least.

"She is," he chuckled, though, and he did mean it. He leaned closer, touching his forehead to hers. "She's this badass translator, works in a big, fancy office. She's actually pretty funny, if she's in a good mood. Kinda likes messing with me."

"I do not."

"Just a little," he contested, scrunching up his nose faintly. "But I think that side of her is cute. And she's tough--way tougher than she thinks she is. And she's an incredible sister, even when her brother is being a pain in our ass."

"Our?" she interrupted.

"Our," he confirmed, touching the tips of their noses together to silence her. "And I know he's just worried about you. That's why he keeps saying you can stay with them if you want. But I guess he doesn't really know it's stressing you out."

Thena sighed, dragged back into the depths of her problems like plunging into ice cold water. "How do I tell him?"

Gil skipped over that question, still busy holding her, almost swaying as his weight shifted from foot to foot. "So, this Thena--I mean, to me, she's the most incredible woman in the world."

"Gil," she sighed, trying to pull him from his reverent description of her.

But he nudged her head until he could kiss her lips, also gently. As gently as everything else about him. "She's the woman I love, plain and simple."

Oh, did she ever love him. She had gone from being someone who probably didn't really believe in love for herself at all to being head over heels for her sweet, gentle giant.

She sighed as she kissed him again, leaning up on her toes to loop her arms around his neck. Kissing Gil always made her feel more human--more grounded and real. It took away the buzzing in her head and replaced it with with a heavy and pleasant sedative that could spread through her veins.

Gil stayed close, his forehead against hers, lips still faintly puckered. "Better?"

"Hm," she sighed. She didn't need to explain herself--not to him. She ran her fingers gently through the hair at the back of his head. If only she never had to go to work, or take public transport, or go to house viewings where the realtor would look at her oddly. If only she could stay in Gil's arms every second of every day.

"Good," he sufficed to say, tapping his fingers against the back of her sweater. He moved his hand to her hip. "So, about this living situation-"

"Right," she sighed the heaviest she had yet (which was saying something).

"Hey," he nudged her gently, pulling her eyes up to him. "A unit in my building is going on the market for next month. It's the one above mine--sweet old guy is moving out to be closer to his grand kids."

Oh. Living that close to Gil--being neighbours?

"I can always ask him if he'd be open to a lease trade-off," Gil suggested, although he was unable to hide his excitement at the prospect in his smile. "What do you think?"

Being that close to Gil? Being his upstairs neighbour?

His smile wobbled faintly, turning sheepish as he looked away. "It's a little more modest than this place. But it's a one bedroom, and it's not a bad location. And-"

Thena stood on her toes, pressing her lips to his, even with a cliche 'mmwah' sound. He looked dazed after the firmer kiss, which made her smile genuinely for the first time that night. She leaned against him heavier, but he steadied her without a second thought. "I think that sounds perfect."

"Really?" he asked, beaming like a dog about to receive a treat with a wagging tail.

She took his cheeks in her hands, "it sounds wonderful, Gil."

"O-Okay," he laughed, sounding near hysteria. But he pulled her against his chest in his arms, even lifting her off the ground slightly as he spun them. "This'll be amazing, sweetie, I promise!"

He needed no promises. The thought of having him a mere flight of stairs away was already comforting, in a sense. And she had been to his flat plenty of times. He was right, it was in a good location, and it wasn't any further from her office than she was now, all things considered.

Gil set her on her feet once more. "I'll talk to him tonight."

"Don't get too ahead of yourself," she advised gently. It wasn't often she was able to offer a calming voice of reason these days; it felt familiar, even soothing. She toyed with some some stray hairs of his. "I may have to apply, like everyone else."

"Peh," Gil waved in dismissal again (making her laugh, again). "The old guy loves me. And that's before I tell him some sob story about wanting my girlfriend to move in so we can be closer."

Thena blushed softly, toying with the hem of her cardigan. Sometimes she had to remind herself that Gil wasn't just 'someone she was seeing', and actually the man she had known for more than half a year and had been dating for more than half that time, now.

"It'll be great," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "We can carpool to work, I'll be right downstairs if you ever wanna talk--or cuddle."

"Gil," she admonished, but it came out as a light and air whisper as he kissed her cheek again, his five o'clock shadow against her skin.

He stopped nuzzling her just to look at her more solemnly. "You should tell Druig."

"It was your idea."

"Exactly," Gil made a face, shrinking somewhat. "He'll kill me."

Thena rolled her eyes, her spirits lifting by the moment. "It's not as if you're offering to shack up with me yourself."

He didn't laugh at her joke. He didn't even seem to realise it was a joke, just shrugged one shoulder. "I mean they're both only one bedroom units. Plus, I imagine you want some space for yourself for a little. Feel like you have some more control?"

Well, he was exactly right about that, as always. Although she hadn't expected his rebuttal to be that they would need a larger space if they were to live together. She just blinked, "precisely."

"So it's decided," he grinned again, and gave her another kiss for good measure. "I'll go talk to Karun, you talk to Druig. He really is worried about you."

"I know," she mumbled, feeling properly chastised. She unlinked her hands from behind his head and squeezed his forearms. "I'm sure he was desperate to call you."

"And I'm suggesting you move into my building instead of in with him?--he's gonna have my head."

Thena laughed genuinely for the first time that night. "Don't worry, I'll protect you from him."

Gil stared at her in a way that made her toes curl. He bent his head down to sneak into the crook of her neck under her jaw. "I know you will."

She shivered as he left a kiss on her pulse point.

But he left it at that, pulling away and standing to his full height again. It left her feeling chilly, needing to pull her cardigan tighter around herself. "Okay."

Thena nodded, letting him take her by the hand. She did have to talk to Druig--about everything. About moving and also about how she would be okay without him hovering over her shoulder. She would be okay without that hell hole and its medication and she would be okay even if she felt like this different version of herself, possibly forever.

Gil grasped the doorknob with his other hand, the door not fully closed and letting in just a sliver of light from the rest of the house. He held her other hand, giving it a squeeze. "Ready?"

She nodded, holding his hand tighter, just in case she needed it. But she smiled, "ready."