#like all the 'bad' things about him come from circumstances i understand and cant blame him for

[todayisafridaynight]

Your dad sounds like a beautiful person internally and externally.

my dad's the best guy in the world and im not exaggerating at all he is in fact a very cool dude and im lucky to call him my peepaw :)

[l0vem41l]

heart for brains.

「 tws + notes: no tws, unedited, hurt/comfort-esque but not really, fluff (?) sensitive reader who loooves being tough, a few pet names are used (darling, lovely—) but sparingly because i can never take things seriously 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic </3 」

↳ ft. asra alnazar, julian devorak, lucio morgasson, muriel of the kokhuri, nadia satrinava, portia devorak

author's note: less of the “One Bad Thing happened and it fucking destroyed me” type of sensitive even though that’s so real and valid and more of the "big emotions are slowly killing me always" type. sorry if they're slightly ooc! i'm playing the game again,,,, eventually :> need to get their dialogue right AWIOFJWRIHFW (┬┬﹏┬┬) more lighthearted in lucio’s part (cant stand this bitch!!!!! /affectionate), and unfortunately nadia’s and portia’s are criminally short (；′⌒`)........ i love them i just haven’t played their routes also also!!!! used some borders from @cafekitsune in this!! lmk if it makes things easier to read cuz i might keep it! (☆-ｖ-)

" life's hard when you're soft. "

▸ ASRA has grown the most familiar with your routine. you’re not quite fragile, as he’s come to discover— just that you tend to swallow your emotions down with a smile, only for them to rise back up at the slightest inconvenience. in a few moments— as predicted— the tears stinging in your eyes finally begin slipping.

he gently cups your face, even as you attempt to hide away and avert your gaze, drying your cheeks with his fingers. you swear to him, through mumbles and sobs that you’re trying to toughen up— you’re really trying— while insisting there’s no reason for you to be upset about your little predicament while you choke back the sob rising in your throat. they know you too well for those feeble attempts to convince them.

“shhh… it’s alright. it’s alright.” asra’s voice is understanding. patient. they wouldn’t care if you were crying over the smallest matter in the universe right now. all their focus is on calming you down.

while asra believes and insists that your capacity for strong emotions is a blessing and not a curse like you tend to think, he does wish that your tenderness would not be so abused by the world around you. at the end of the day, he reminds you that you’ve got his love— that he’ll always be there to wipe your tears away— but will always secretly wonder to himself about why you continue to be so recklessly kind.

even so, you’re never to blame for your big heart in their eyes. and slowly, everything they do to make the world a better place is in hope that one day, the world will be sweeter to you.

▸ JULIAN does quietly and internally freak out when he first sees you cry— not because he doesn’t know what to do, but rather because he hadn’t expected seeing you, out of all people, like this. you— the person who always seemed to find something to be happy about instead of dwelling on your misery. you— who frequently brushed off inconveniences and upsetting circumstances with little to no thought. you— who always bounced back, always saw it through.

oh, but he could never be upset with you for crying. not at all.

he knows he can’t just leave you sobbing your eyes out. so, with the sensibility that he has, he gently guides you to a quiet place for you and allows you to lean against him. he’ll attempt to talk you through it, even if you don’t feel like speaking, hoping that the one-sided conversation of his ramblings will at least distract you, if not soothe you.

your head to his chest, he takes one of your hands in his, while the other gently grips your hip. tells you how brave and strong you are— even if you don’t seem particularly inclined to believe him at the moment, shooting a small glare at him through watery eyes as he says these things.

“i wasn’t patronizing you,” he says, eyebrows raising slightly as your shoulders tense, “i mean it.”

you take a deep breath, gauging the sincerity of his words, before finally relaxing.

“‘m sorry… it’s stupid— i know it is. you shouldn’t have to do this.” you sniffle.

for a moment, julian only shakes his head in response, his thumb caressing the top of your hand as he squeezes it. “but darling, i want to.”

while he’s not as attuned with your emotions as asra, julian is good at getting you to calm down. will definitely do a few breathing exercises with you to help you ground yourself, in between his affirmations and reassurances.

▸ is it really all that surprising that LUCIO is completely clueless? in his eyes, everything was going completely fine for you two seconds ago— or so it seemed. here he was, just coming by to check on you, only to watch you crumple into yourself, hiding your face in your hands as you muttered a half-hearted “go away.”

he’s too stubborn to listen to that. besides, even he knows he’d be a massive asshole if he just left you like this. instead, lucio sits right next to you, shoulder pressed up to yours, and asks about what happened. perhaps pester is a better word.

while not intentionally rude, he’s slightly dismissive of the situation at first, wondering why in the world something so trivial would matter so much to you. it takes a second, but lucio backpedals on this immediately when he realizes you're not calming down, you're getting worse. your breathing grows quicker and more tears spill— you don’t even reply to him. oopsies. silent comfort it is.

he’s not completely useless. instead of using words, he’ll put an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side, allowing you to cry it out for as long as you need. part of you wants to question when he gained the capacity to shut up— but you don’t feel the need to be particularly snarky at the moment. he’s trying his best to be sweet to you.

will be more attentive for the days after, assuring you that you needn’t give into the urge to “toughen up” when he’s around.

“stay soft, i can fight.” he grins, giving you a wink that makes you roll your eyes at him almost instinctively.

still, the tiny laugh that escapes your lips ends up betraying any sort of exasperation you meant to convey as you playfully hit his bicep as you tell him to quit. was his tone light hearted? yes. was he kidding? of course not. 

▸ there’s a moment where your lip quivers and your eyes water up that makes MURIEL feel like he’s looking into a reflection of himself somehow. his heart sinks completely at the sight of you breaking down, as he searches for the right thing to say.

he’s flooded with relief when you make an attempt to speak first, even if it’s just you stumbling over your words to lie directly to his face.

you take in a shaky breath, awkwardly shrinking yourself away by crossing your arms. “it’s fine, it doesn’t matter—”

“it matters to me.” he replies softly.

muriel is much better at listening than he is at speaking in these situations, so he allows you to vent all you need as you cry. you feel these emotions so deeply, so strongly— he wonders how you managed for so long concealing these feelings.

“yeah… i get it.” he murmurs, nodding when you rant. to his horror, the tone comes out much more blunt than intended— almost sarcastic— but you know that he understands the minute you look into his eyes. he’s nothing but honest.

after a moment of silence, he asks what you need. you don’t verbalize, instead opting for awkwardly gesture with open arms, half expecting him to hesitate at your request. instead, much to your surprise and his he simply brings you close and sets you on his lap. holding you in his arms like he’s afraid you might break if he tightens the embrace any further, muriel hugs you like you’re the most precious thing in the universe.

leans more on acts of service as a form of comfort as well. will bring you water, blankets— will even brave the market to buy you your favorite snack. anything for you.

▸ NADIA’s first attempt is to deal with it logically. initially, she asks you a lot of questions, asks what she can do better— but ceases the minute you struggle to respond, only shaking your head while the words incoherently fall from your lips between sobs.

she sighs, realizing her short-comings. now isn’t the time for problem solving. you need comfort. “forgive me, lovely. i didn’t mean to upset you further.”

LUCIO TAKE FUCKING NOTES.

her embrace is loving. it almost feels like she’s trying to shield you from the world and it’s harshness towards you. nadia plants a kiss to your temple before allowing you to rest your head on her shoulder. as you stay in her arms, she rubs your back, promising that everything will be alright.

she’ll make sure of it too. will 100% throw a sharp glare at anyone who accidentally intrudes on this moment.

▸ it’s almost instinctual, the way PORTIA responds. you haven’t said a thing, yet she notes the way your hands begin trembling, eyes brimming with tears. she immediately gets protective, asking which idiot made you feel so upset with full intention to beat their ass if she ever crossed paths with them— but questions no further when you don’t reply.

physically affectionate as ever, with your permission, portia kisses your tears away, pressing her lips to your face sweetly as she cradles it in her hands.

will not baby you for being sensitive, but will grow more defensive of you. of course she knows you can handle yourself like you keep on reminding, but you’ve been doing it for so long. too long. shows you that she’s right there to support you no matter what, always on your side.

" you've got our love "

— reblogs always appreciated!

[fragileizywriting]

i’ve been busy for a long time studying for this final, but luckily, my exams are finally over! i can relax!!! i can do things!!!! squee!!! i have enough time to think and write my thoughts down, now, so let’s get to it!!! mari with jules part three!!

jules still can’t see after a few months of falling. marinette doesn’t understand it, no matter how much luka tries to explain it— there are times where she forgets that jules can’t see her. jules is so attentive to everything, always reminding her of where things are— you should use your blue dish for this, mari, it’ll make the table look cute! or no mari, you should throw that one away, that lipstick is expired— that it's hard to believe that she doesn't see her. that she's blind.

blind.

it’s temporary. but she’s still blind.

it worries mari to death. how did she take care of herself in the library? how was she supposed to find them if they hadn’t found her?? where is jule’s mother??? and why in gods name is mari so anxious to get jules’s approval?????

marinette is helpless to want to befriend her. she’s the spitting image of a new held, with her childish laughter that lights up the living room, and her adorable personality not to mention— oh!! she’s just so cute!!! she’s shorter than marinette and makes it all the way up to her chest, a tiny little young girl who loves ballet and, oh, who’s to blame marinette from wanting to take care of her?

jules reads to them. fluently, far beyond what a normal eight year old should be allowed to do given their circumstance— but she can’t actually see the pages. she reads like she’s memorized the script, but it’s near perfect— it’s only when marinette looks up to her reading at the table, her legs swinging under her chair as she flips through the pages, does marinette realize jules isn’t looking at the book but rather something shiny catching at the corner of her eyes.

her eyes are watery and glassy, like she’s on the cusp of crying— this isn’t part of the curse, jules tells her, this is just part of being a virtue. i’ll be able to see soon, i just have to wait a bit— patience is a virtue, after all. she dissolves into giggles every time, trailing behind adrien and asking him what his opinion on a book they both read.

marinette doesn’t ask about luka. how come jules has this, but luka doesn’t? what makes jules so different? or is it luka that is the odd one out?

she doesn’t ask. jules doesn’t respond. they all know the question is out there, though. luka looks ready to bite his lip raw at the threat of the conversation, so she knows not to push. he's not ready to talk about it, and that's okay. it is…

but it’s lonely for jules, isn't it? she wishes she knew what to do… wouldn’t it be nice if jules didn’t feel so alone?

marinette finds her watching TV— or rather, pretending to— watching all the colors move across the screen with wide eyes. she’s fascinated by it. i can see color, jules responds, when she asks what she's doing. i can see the moving colors, but it's like trying to see the world outside through a window when it's pouring against the glass. i cant see you, and i cant see adrien, but i know what you look like. i’ve read it. lukas thanks your eyes are gemstones. adrien thinks you’re paler than porcelain.

have you ever even seen porcelain? adrien asks.

jules socks him with a pillow. she hits dead on.

she loves it when there's a movie, and the four of us sit in a huge cuddle pile, and mari makes her popcorn— it's healthy, marinette complains, when luka makes a face at it. it's just popped corn! there's not even salt. calm down. besides, she deserves it! look at her! she's so sweet and cute, how can i say no to her? and luka always replies: she’s using you, you know. her puppy eyes are just as bad as yours.

but who cares, right? jules is too cute.

jules eats and cuddles into marinette's side like they're attached. she laughs when mari laughs, gasps when she does— she buries herself in marinette’s side when her breath starts to even out, and the two of them fall asleep just like that. puppy pile. jules’s hand still in the bowl of popcorn.

luka doesn’t need to nap in the afternoons anymore, but jules still does. her body is too small to keep up with the effort. it’s second nature for marinette to wrap herself around a tiny, sleeping creature like jules— so twenty minutes into a movie, the two of them are fast asleep.

marinette thwacks adrien or luka with her tail, while asleep, when either of them try to reach for jules to put her to bed.

[scarletwidowaf]

Ghost Of You - chapter 3

A/N: i think that at this point, me being to lazy and tired to fix grammer and mistakes became a part of the story. Also im very sorry for the angst, im kinda winging it but hopefully stuff will be less painful soon 😅

The beautiful art is by the incredible @chloroformcandles ! Go check her works! Im honestly obsessed and even used her art as icons on both of my scarletwidow blogs.

Warnings: angst of course, mention of death (obviously)

Words count: 1391

ao3  *  wattpad  *  Tumblr story index

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Ever since wanda joined the avengers she was trained in hand to hand combat.

Its not like she actually needed it, she always thought to herself and said it multiple times to the other female avenger and trainer, but Natasha always raised her eyebrow at her and smiled cockily at her in return.

One of wanda's favorite training sessions with natasha was when they were on the run. Steve Insisted they'll keep training as much as they can, even more than they used to as avengers. Natasha agreed, wanda did too but it didn't stop her from complaining every morning when the two women were already panting before the crack of down.

"You're too slow"

Natasha said, her hands holding the younger girl down on training mat.

Wanda tried to push the shorter woman down but with no use, natasha was small yet her grip was strong and her steady firm.

It was amazing that even when they were training and sweaty natasha still managed to look painfully hot. The older women smelled like vanilla and sweat and wanda had to admit that it wasn't a bad combination.

"Well its 5 am natasha, I'm barley even awake" she joked,.

wanda could see natasha holding back her smile. It was funny, really, that Natasha could hold the best poker face and go undercover without a hiss and without ever getting caught, but couldn't contain her smile when it comes to the younger woman.

"So lets make a deal, maximoff. If you can pin me down to the mat i will get you the coffee you like from the coffee down the street"

Wanda smiled.

"They do have a great coffee.. " she said. Natasha agreed, she liked their coffee and she liked the satisfied smile on wanda's face after she takes the first sip.

"I still don't see a reason for us to train combat" wanda grumble out. Natasha smiled at her and wanda's heart skipped a bit.

The younger woman knew she was getting into a dangerous zone with Natasha, but she couldn't help herself.

"I just gave you a reason maximoff. Im 5'3. If you cant take me down what would you do with stronger, bigger, rougher opponent?"

Natasha raised her eyebrow and moved to get up.

Natasha stood and held her hand out to the younger woman.

"You say that wasn't rough, romanoff?" Wanda asked faking annoyance.

"Barely" natasha smirked.

Wanda took the older girl's hand and got up as well.

"I will get that coffee" wanda said.

"Bring it on"

Natasha's smile was dangerously hot.

That was the problem about Natasha Romanoff, wanda knew that no mattar when, or at what situation, the older woman's smile will have a power over her, just like Natasha had.

And that was the only thought that crossed in wanda's mind when the two sat on wanda's bed in her crappy London apartment.

Its been a week since natasha came back and the two did their best to try and understand the circumstances they were in.

The good news were, that Natasha could come and go as she pleases.

wanda didn't knew where she was going when she left and natasha didn't say.

It could be counted as bad news as well.

At the few times when the two womem got frustrated, natasha would've leave, wanda would've cry and then natasha would come back and sit next to her, as close as she can.

The truth was that wanda missed being close to natasha, she was happy to have her around, to talk to her and hear her voice, but she missed her touch and her smell and having her around was getting painful.

Sometimes Wanda wanted to hug her and sob about everything.

And natasha wanted to be able to hold her, and hold her hand.

They missed each other, and sometimes it was too hard for them to be so close to each other without being able to touch.

"I went trough Agetha's book again" wanda finally said. Natasha put down the book she was reading, another novel wanda never heard of.

Wanda couldn't help her envy, because the book was something natasha could touch and hold and wanda wasn't.

"And?" Natasha said.

"I found something but i dont know how to perform it."

She confessed.

"Maybe we can go to someone who might know. Strange maybe?" Natasha said

"I dont think thats a good idea.. Ive been avoiding the other avengers ever since westview" she admitted

"Was it that bad?"

"Its just complicated. I brought vision back for awhile, well, kind of"

Natasha looked at her quietly encouraging her to continue

"I could bring him back but only there, i build these perfect life in there, nat, i had a family and a house and everything was so normal even when it wasn't"

"Why wasn't it perfect?"

"Because as real as it felt it was all a big lie. An illusion"

"Were you happy?"

Natasha asked.

"Yes" wanda admitted. Natasha smiled sadly.

"Then in was worth it, in a way" the older girl said.

"You weren't there" wanda said after a few moments.

The younger woman got up from bed. She wasn't able to sit still or look into the other woman eyes.

"I guess a part of your consensus knew that if I would've been there it wouldn't be perfect" natasha said sadly and got up as well.

"I doubt that there's any reality, fake or real one, that I wouldn't have been in love with you" natasha continued and wanda felt wetness on her cheeks. She was crying.

Natasha stood a few steps away from wanda, she didn't want to get too close and overwhelm the crying girl, but she couldn't stay away neither.

"I'm sorry nat"

"For what?" Natasha asked confused.

"For bringing you back. I just missed you so much and i was selfish.

I guess you were wrong natasha, I'm not a good person"

"I missed you too, every single day in the last 5 years."

Wanda looked up. Her eyes catching natasha's red ones.

Both women were crying. Natasha's cheeks were stained and her eyes were red, yet she was holding herself together pretty well. Probably as as a result of years of holding things inside and making her feelings.

"I blamed clint, you know?" Wanda confessed.

"We had a fight after i found out you were dead. I blamed him for not keeping you safe, and then left. I didn't spoke to him since then"

Wanda catch a glimpse of Natasha's book on the bed and wondered if the lead characters got their happy ending.

Natasha sigh, her hands massaging her temple.

"I dont know what they told you wanda. But i chose to jump. I could've let clint jump"

"You're lying, clint said-"

"That i had no other choice? Knowing him figured its better you wont know that, so you wouldn't be mad at me for doing that."

the two women were so close to each other that wanda could imagine natasha's hot breath and vanilla scent.

Natasha could see the small freckles on the younger girl's nose.

"You want to know why I don't deserve to go to heaven? Wanda" Natasha asked.

Wanda wiped her own tears.

"Why?"

"I'm selfish.

I could've let clint jump but i knew that I couldn't live with the burden and the pain so i left him to live with it instead.

I could let the world stay how it was after the snap, but I didn't. Not because I'm the honorable person you think i am, but because of you. I wanted you to get the life that you deserve."

Natasha smiled bitterly and gestured with her hands to the room they were in.

Wanda wanted to respond but couldn't. Her throat was dry and her head was aching.

"I should go" natasha said and before wanda could protest the older woman was gone and she was alone again.

After a few minutes of crying the witch took a few breath to calm herself down, before she went to her nightstand and took out a disposable cell phone.

"You're not selfish natasha, i am." She whispered.

The young witch typed a few digits and held the phone to her ear.

After a few rings she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey agnes, i need your help"

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 28

catch me completely ignoring dark cybertron lmao

yeahhhh so I'm just gonna skip dark cybertron bc no thanks. I did read the tf wiki articles for the issues tho, which is more than I did in the past, so at least now I kinda know what happened, though I had to suffer thru reading about dark cybertron to learn stuff about it. yikes. reading ABOUT dark cybertron further enforced my decision to not actually read thru it

anyways. the best part of dark cybertron was when chromedome threw prowl off that cliff. that was baller lmfao

a 1 page recap of dark cybertron is about all I can handle. thank you

ooh, the 6 months later smash-cut, I fucking love itttt

nautica’s here!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy I love her. also brainstorm, and I love their friendship sm

hvbjdkhfbshdfj god I love them. they have such a fun dynamic 

everyone eavesdropping on a therapy session vhbhdjkhafbhkjsdf. hipaa laws mean nothing as usual 

the casual reveal of captain megatron, oh god 

the title fucking slaps, as usual. this is one of my favorites - ‘world, shut your mouth.’ great stuff, and a song title/reference to boot! and this being part 1: towards peace...chefs kiss

and then we flash back to 6 months earlier...yknow now that I'm rereading this, mtmte has a LOT of framing devices used - there's story-within-a-story, flashback/flash-forwards, storytelling with narration, etc...I love it

god hbvhjakdfbshjkdf rodimus saying ‘magic’ and then the little *magic = science rodimus doesn't understand HBGKJHSDBFKHJSDF my idiot boy ily

rodimus roasting prowl is my fav hbfjdkafshsbjkf ‘maybe the knights can help us find a cure for your personality’ ily sm

and then prowl agreeing w/rodimus a few panels later about megatron’s guilt...

optimus...don't you think that making yourself chief of justice is...maybe a bad idea...like, maybe there's a conflict of interests here...just a little bit of bias...a bit too much history, perhaps...

the fact that all the big roles in the trial were given to high-ranking autobots who were heavily involved in the war...I see that cybertrons justice system is as much of a farce as their medical ethics and patient confidentiality laws 

the ‘you BROKE the MATRIX’ panel is so good bjhkdhfbajskhdf

rodimus: LISTEN dad I just wanna resume my space cruise with my frat bro ship I have no interest in politics

psychiatrists HATE him! local former warlord refuses to recognize the validity of psychological analyzation of people’s actions

ravage casually breaking hipaa laws and chilling in megatron’s therapy session like >:3

I love rung...he’s so good at like, passive-aggressively cutting right to the heart of someone’s issues, and he’s so generally mild that you can’t even really get mad at him 

the sudden inclusion of megatron as a major character in mtmte is kinda jarring at first - mostly, for me at least, due in part because I didn't read dark cybertron so this is like, megatron’s introduction as a relevant character in general - but I feel like jro does a great job laying a lot of intrigue down from the very beginning w/his character - like, I already want to know more about what his whole deal is, even though we have, ostensibly, seen pretty much all of his story play out already 

rung name-dropping froid...i remember that made me lose my shit bc cmon. FROID....jesus christ

rung and megatron: holy shit! we’re suddenly being drawn in a 90s-esque sci-fi tron-looking retro-futuristic style!

interesting that megatron sought rung out, and not the other way around

RIPTIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite sharkboy is HERE

CREWDITIONS...YES....

‘we’re not allowed to take anyone who might remind rodimus of prowl’ vhbhjdkshfbhaskfd brutal

I love nautica so so much. a perfect autistic scientist after my own heart

I adore that nautica brought chromia along for moral support

hgvbjdakhfbhsj and then swerve saying that rodimus hates ‘trisyllabic names’ and nautica is like....but....‘rodimus’.....

and then nightbeat busts in to get all bbc sherlock on they asses hgbfhjadkfbjaskdf

WHY was perceptor at the crewditions if he was already part of the crew lmao

ooof, and then we have megatron flipping out when chromedome, a mnemosurgeon, shows up

also damn the autobots were rlly like okay so we wanna speed this trial up so lets just like, probe megatrons brain, that seems completely ethical, especially when you consider the history of shadowplay and stuff that our previous government had

I know important stuff is happening but megatron is holding a CUBE and I love CUBES so I'm distracted by that. C U B E

and then right after a scene where we see chromedome willing to perform mnemosurgery again - despite rewind’s like, dying wish for him not to - we hear that he’s been locked up in his room rewatching rewinds goodbye message over and over again :( I'm fucking depressed

I love nightbeat, he’s so funny and kind of an asshole

and then you see more missing letters behind them next panel...clearly nightbeat is right and there’s a mystery afoot...OR somebody is fucking with the ship’s lettering as a prank, which is a plot point I would absolutely buy

yeahhhh skids is right, chromedome is clearly Not dealing 

the dramatic graffiti on megatrons door...I wanna know who spray-painted ‘die’ everywhere like they're reaper overwatch

oh god. whirl vs megatron

really cool red lighting tho

GOD its so brutal, all the stuff megatron said about how he told the cons not to kill whirl...and doesn't that end up being false anyways? so he was just saying it to dig at whirl, which is awful

also I'm never over the fact that literally everyone - including megatron and whirl - blames whirl for ‘turning megatron violent,’ as if the entire Point isn't that whirl was a tool for a corrupt system, and if it wasn't whirl it would've just been someone else, and megatron turning away from pacifism was inevitable given the circumstances, AND also a choice on his part, so he really only has himself to blame for his OWN ACTIONS

bye bye whirls right arm, see you in lost light 

‘people never stop changing’ that IS something I say all the time...damn you warlord grandpa! how can you steal my philosophies?!

ohhh man and then rewind’s goodbye message being different....oooh

AUGH the fact that whirl was basically trying to goad megatron into killing him, just like he did in issue 1 w/cyclonus...It Hurts Man

also I do love the hint at who he’s talking to w/whirl shooting megatron with the bow and arrow earlier, and we know that atomizer is a fan of those

ok, but here’s where my philosophy diverges - megatron talks about throwing away his past and starting new, but I think that you have to learn from and build on your past...either way, megatron’s arc is one that I enjoy greatly from a character writing standpoint, and I'm excited to get it underway, especially w/how controversial it is lmao

big ole double-page spread...I like how you can pick out individual characters in the background crowd, which is crazy cause that's a LOT of people. also how come cosmos is so HUGE

phewwww 4.6 billion cybertronians died in the war, that’s INSANE. that's like, an incomprehensibly huge number. is there an estimate for their current population? I bet its not a lot. no wonder jro leaned into reproductive themes so much in mtmte/ll - of course the continuation of your species would be a concern for many if your numbers have been that greatly reduced

optimus w/his fancy tyrest-lookin crown

oughdajbfsbdf and the fact that megatron ALSO murdered 100 BILLION non-cybertronians...bruh. I feel like they maybe should've dialed those numbers back a little to allow his ‘redemption arc’ to run a little smoother lmao. but also I admire the commitment either way

and then we end w/megatron doing captain stuff, and seeing The Coffin...and we never did see rodimus in any of the flash-forward parts of this issue, did we???? I love how concerning that is. where's my BOY

also of course we gotta remember the warning from way back at the beginning of mtmte: ‘don't open the coffin’....

and so begins mtmte s2! man I love s2. I love mtmte in general lmao. s2 takes on the impossible w/the whole ‘megatron redemption arc’ thing, and I know that’s like, a divisive plot point and stuff, but from a writing standpoint I enjoyed it a lot...I think it was pretty much as well done as it could've been given the enormity of the task, and I thought it was a really interesting direction for the story to go in 

also espec if it’s true that hasbro was like ‘hey jro put megatron in your story and give him a redemption arc’ rather than jro like, planning/asking to do it 

anyways. I doubt ill talk much abt the disc horse(tm) here bc this is just for fun and also my own personal opinions and whatever, but I for one am excited to reexperience this stuff 

so yeah s2 off to a strong start with some wild shit already happening! cant wait to read more!

[callumilott-archive]

hi! so u said u could write a whole other essay abt the 2019 championship in your juri post so i have come to humble rrequest the essay pls id like to know your thoughts if u have time thank you have a good day

OH yes this is one hell of a distraction thank u skdjfkg let’s go! i’m mainly focusing on juri and marcus here since i really only paid attention to the both of them (in f3 at least) up until spa.

disclaimer before we start: my memory is bad and it is possible i remember some things wrong and finding sources on the messy f3 website is a PAIN so some info might be inaccurate

so the 2019 championship kicked off in barcelona, which was a mess in true f3 fashion. 2 guys hit each other on the way to the grid, i think one started from the pit lane and the other had too much damage?? boys, the race doesn’t start until lights out smh. this was also the race where christian lundgaard crossed the line first, parked his car at the 1st sign and then it was cruelly taken from him because of a 5 second penalty for virtual safety car infringement and no one told him until he was already out of his car skdfjsg it was sad but also kinda hilarious and a goddamn mess. i remember reading it on the f1 website at the time bc i didn’t watch f3 at this point. juri did alright here, think he got a podium in race 2. the premas were already pretty dominant but christian was up there as well.

season progresses, juri gets his penalty cancelled in france (icon, really. who else can say that) and apparently does not have a good time in race 2. he also did a kimi impression somewhere on the radio (’leave me alone’). marcus didn’t like france either bc he stalled at the start, got back up front, got tapped around and still finished in the points both races. f3 france = mess. spielberg brings my favorite top 3 of any f3 race ive seen so far. marcus starts on pole, so far the only prema who hasnt won a race yet, max fewtrell p2 and juri p3. somewhere during the race marcus and juri swap places and max minds his business in p2. great podium, dont remember this race at all sjdfgks. race 2 still has me cackling even tho it probs wasn’t that funny, but marcus and rob were arguing over the lead and they collided (on the final lap, i think), sending marcus off with a puncture and rob actually still won but got a penalty which demoted him to second. rule number 1 of motorsports, lads. rule number 1. do not hit your teammate. would’ve loved to be jehan in that team debrief. 

at this point, juri is considered a title contender. he will be considered a title contender until monza. more on that shitshow later. he knocks it out the park in silverstone (race 1 win, pole) and talks start up about juri to toro rosso 2020 (i mightve been one of them). this, of course, all depends on juri getting enough super licence points. budapest, marcus’ first win in f3. don’t remember much else tbh, wasn’t that eventful i guess?? aaaand then we get to spa. saturday is fine for them since they race in the morning as opposed to late afternoon for f2. robert’s still in the lead by far, jehan and juri following but since there’s only 2 rounds to go after this so mistakes are costly. juri learns this the hard way in spa race 2 but i cant blame any of them for mistakes made in spa and monza one week later, or sochi for that matter. i think marcus won that race and dedicated it to anthoine but im p sure i didnt see much through my tears this day. juri scores no points, damages his front wing somewhere and gets a black and orange flag to come in for damage repairs. monza, also a disaster. also do not blame them. both marcus and juri did not have a good time, i remember juri launching himself into space over the rear wing of another car and marcus got p2 in race 1 but was penalised heavily for one thing or another, and ended up p21 and far outside the points. 

juri’s no longer a contender for the title, neither is marcus. the title will be decided between jehan and robert in sochi, at that point p2 and p1 respectively. sochi was also a mess for juri, considering he spun christian around in a low speed corner while the safety car was ending. to this day i have no idea what on earth he was doing but it does make for great banter between juri and christian. with the penalty following, juri drops from p3 to p8 and misses valuable points. robert wins the championship, marcus wins the race. jehan has a terrible time in the last race and gets demoted to p3 in the championship because marcus said sayonara and fucked off with another podium and a fastest lap. juri is p4 and is 17 points short for p3. not enough super licence points. he does win the final race of the season, tho his face says he knows hes about to have a very uncomfortable conversation with helmut marko. still pains me. 

to conclude, it all got away from juri in spa and i think thats very understandable considering the circumstances. it started out very promising but just. ended up falling short. he was the only driver to even remotely challenge the premas last season tho, in terms of championship. and this is why same spec racing is so exciting! we’ve seen it again in f3 this year with a very very tight championship. one bad weekend can throw your entire season off. 

[mistbornthefinal]

Madoka Magica Aniversary Analysis: Part 4

Unknowing of the Price

(spoilers below the cut)

We open on Sayaka running to Kyousukes hotel room but he isn’t there. The nurses explain that his physical therapy time has been moved up. As Sayaka leaves the recap what we should have figured out in the previous episode. Kyousuke was a violin prodigy before a tragic injury, while he may recover enough to walk he will never be able to play music again. The also praise Sayaka’s dedication to her friend.

On the elevator down Sayaka laments the cruelty of circumstance. She openly considers the prospect of using her wish to heal Kyousuke. Sayaka then wonder that if she did would would she want from Kyousuke in return before berating herself over her ulterior motive. A voice from a future Sayaka laments that at the time she had not idea what it meant to pray for a miracle nor what a miracle ultimately costs. (Cue connect)

At the Breakfast table Madoka stares into an egg yolk and remembers Mami and then bursts into tears. For some reason Madoka parents let her go to school after she breaks down sobbing about still being alive at breakfast. She meets up with Sayaka who is also desperately trying to maintain a façade of normalcy on the way there.

On the schools #Aesthic roof Madoka try to process the whole “secret magical conflict in which one of our Senpai died before our eyes”. Madoka says that since that day the people around her seem like strangers. Sayaka puts that feeling into more concrete words.

“We’re the only ones who know about the witches and Mami-san. Nobody else does. It’s like we’re living in an entirely different world from them.”

Essential even if they never make contracts they still can not return to the world of innocence and ignorance they inhabited in episode 1. Part of their minds will inhabit the world of magical girls and witches regardless. Sayaka asks Madoka if she still intends to become a magical girl, her lack of answer is enough even before the tears. 

Sayaka wonders to Kyubey what will become of Mitakihara with its’ protector gone. He replies that other magical girls will move in to the vacant territory. Sayaka laments that they are likely to be as she perceives Homura only caring for their own gain. Kyubey admits that Mami was a “rare breed” but in his opinion only other magical girls have the right to judge. He then bids them farewell (which is bullsquid he’s there immediately the second Sayaka falters)

After school Madoka is crying at Mami’s now abandoned apartment. She apologizes to Mami for being weak and she leaves behind her notebook of magical girl costumes from episode 2 as a sort of symbolic abandonment of her dreams of being a person like Mami.

Homura is waiting at the entrance of the apartment building. She seem to understand implicitly what Madoka is thinking saying that she is wrong to blame her self for Mami’s death. No one can fault Madoka’s decision not to become a magical girl, Homura won’t allow them to. Walking alongside Homrua, Madoka wonders that if she had been more attentive to her warning Mami might have been spared. Homura replies.

“That still wouldn’t have changed Tomoe Mami’s fate. But I was able to change yours. I’m glad to have save at least one life.”

(counting you chickens a little early Homura-chan) Madoka says that Homura seem like a veteran though not in the same way as Mami to which Homura is evasive. Madoka asks if Homura has seen people die before, Homura has stopped counting. Homura also explains that it will be a while until Mami is declared missing and as far as the world is concerned her fate will never be known. That is the ultimate fate of magical girls their bodies swallowed by the labyrinth with no one the wiser.

Madoka is distraught that after Mami spent so long protecting the city that not even the record of her death will remain. Homura says that it is simply the fare of magical girls who ultimately fight only for their wishes. This is simply the way it is. Madoka say no. 

Even if no one else does she will remember Mami, and Homura as well. Homura’s pain is visible. (this is another one of those scenes that hurts when you come back to it after ep 10)

At Kyousuke’s hospital room Sayaka sits by his bedside while he listens to a CD. She tries to make small talk but the atmosphere is too heavy. Kyousuke is in a black mood asking her if she trying to torture him with all these CDs full of music that he can no longer play. Sayaka tries to console him but apparently the doctors have told him to give up, only a miracle could restore his hand.

Madoka see Hitomi on the way home and immediately notices the witches kiss on her neck. When Madoka tries to talk with her she’s clearly out of it. Madoka decides to go along with her to wherever she’s going as she doesn’t have Homura’s cell and isn’t willing to abandon Hitomi. 

Their destination an abandoned warehouse and they are not alone. This witch is making a big play, a cult mass suicide by means of homemade poison gas. Madoka grabs the bucket of chemicals and throws them out the window, which prompts the witches thralls to go full zombie. Madoka locks herself in a storeroom but that’s not obstacle for the witch (H.N. Elly) herself who pulls Madoka into her labyrinth. 

The artstyle shift takes hold not only of the background but also Madoka herself losing her outlines and being animated in a more fluid style. 

Elly seems to have access to Madoka’s memories as images of Mami are displayed on the ubiquitous TV monitors. Pehaps effected by the witches presence Madoka starts to blame herself for Mami’s death again, seeing the current situation as her punishment for being a coward. The Fammiliars grab her body and stretch it in a really disturbing way. Before they can do too much damage a flash of blue cuts them down, and then slams into the Witch. Madoka flicker bad to the normal artstyle. 

Sayaka is a magical girl, and she makes short work of Elly. We see her victims start to come to their senses. Sayaka tries to wave away Madoka’s concern, but it’s clear she still has doubts. Sayaka turns to confront Homura who has arrived late to the party. It’s clear already that the two of them aren’t going to get along any better than Homura and Mami.

Back at the hospital Kyousuke awakens to stare disbelievingly at his hand, as if there was any doubt what Sayaka wished for. Elsewhere Kyoko complains through a mouth full of food as Kyubey tells her that there’s a new magical girl in Mitakihara. No matter says, Kyoko. It’s nothing a little violence cant fix.

So that’s Episode 4

The last one sort of left us in the lurch and so a lot of this episode just trying to grapple with what happened. The Mentor who help introduce Madoka and Sayaka into this world of magic and darkness is gone, and with her death has recontextualized their relationship with that world and denied them an easy exit. Both Madoka and Sayaka clearly feel an obligation to take up the torch, but at the same time how could they when the cost has been hammered home so brutally. 

Sayaka decides that she going to try to live up to the image that Mami projected, an image that unlike Madoka she never got the opportunity to see beneath. So by the end of the Episode she seamlessly inherits Mami’s antagonism with Homura, and is already hiding her fears from Madoka. I don’t think anyone who was paying attention thought this is going to go well, even if the somehow missed the whole unrequited romance. 

Madoka on the other hand is undecided. The more she learns about this whole magical girl thing the less she likes of it. Already she’s lost her initial dream of heroism represented by the notebook she abandoned at Mami’s apartment. That said she also made her first rejection of Kyubey’s system if a minor and symbolic one. If it’s Mami’s fate to be forgotten Madoka say’s she will remember her forever. Indeed come Episode 12 she will find a way to remember every magical girl who fought and died alone.

[marshmallowprotection]

I rambled this out in the tags of my reblog of ur response to my... hm, "pink" ask, but i'll put it here anyways

I think ray and i are similar in the way of emotional sensitivity and people pleaser tendencies, albeit stemming from very different origins. For Ray, it's his traumas and the lifestyle and mindset he's been forced into. For me, it's the neurological disorder/learning difference I've had all my life, ADHD, and its accompanying RSD and anxiety.

One good thing about that bad friendship i got myself into was that i learned how to be a little more independent and how to overcome certain parts of my anxiety at times, as well as how to say no and to not give in so easily into the urge to just do whatever my friends ask.

So, I'm better than I was. But like I mentioned, its a little different when i dont know the person yet, and its especially different if theyre as sweet and kind as ray is. Honestly it gets me weak. I mean, even in the game, when i play AS (and his route) for the first time, i was very compliant to everything he said, especially since he seemed to have some confidence about him (i still cant tell if im just dumb or if he actually seems that way to others in the beginning). And thats not just cos i wanted to progress with the game; i chose the options i felt drawn to.

I'd have a hard time telling him no.

As for emotional sensitivity and RSD... itd be a loop i swear oh my days lol. He's always like "sorry sorry sorry pls dont hate me" and im sitting there like "same." If i was actually there id be like "no no never! Id never hate you i swear ur so freaking nice and sweet and fjbdjdbjd" and then like that very same day, say i shot him a text or two and he doesnt respond for like an hour. I get it. I know he's busy. I don't reach out further cos i dont wanna be annoying, i just wait. And wait. And tell myself he's busy. He doesn't hate me. He's just busy. ...did i say something wrong? Maybe i was confusing...? *proceeds to reread my texts like a million times, analyzing all the possible interpretations and probably scaring myself a couple times*

Finally a text comes in, or a chatroom with him opens up, and- here's where we differ. I keep those "what if he hates me" thoughts to myself. Instead its, "oh thank goodness lol i thought maybe i was being annoying or something or offended u or made u mad" (usually just one of those; which one i felt depends on the scenario) and even then it's only if an opportunity comes up. Sometimes i'll outright ask "was i being annoying? Sorry i know i can get out of hand sometimes" or say something like "just lemme know whenever im too overbearing or annoying or confusing or fast, etc". I tend to prefer to lean towards semi-subtle phrasing rather than outright asking.

But its like... "sorry sorry; are u mad?" "No!! No im not mad... but... i thought you'd be upset at me so I was afraid to face you... and then when you didnt text me i thought it even more..." "what??? No never! I didnt text u cos i thought u were mad!" Lmaooo

[417]

Yeah, I can totally relate to that internalized dialogue. So, it just seems that you can look at him and say same hat. I understand that feeling very well because I do it all the time too. Ray oftentimes gets overworked and overwhelmed by the thought that he's not doing enough, as a matter of fact, he's been told that he's not doing enough so he just thinks that constantly without anyone having to prompt him otherwise. A part of it might be a manipulation on his part but another part of it is genuine self-loathing. It is hard to say because he has moments where his genuine sincerity comes out and moments when his plans pop out. That's why I often tell people that he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yes, he is relatable in a sense but that doesn't mean that he is inherently good too.

His morality is a little skewed but you can't really blame him for it given how he was manipulated himself. It is a matter of getting to know him and helping him see that something is amiss that allows him to almost realize that it's not okay. It is just too easy to overanalyze and get overwhelmed by the smallest of details that may not mean anything. It's an unfortunate circumstance that many of us have to deal with.

He's definitely a lot to deal with, and you have to be on your toes and ready to deal with it. If you are not in the right headspace or you easily get overwhelmed by little comments that may not mean much, then it's probably going to be hard for you to deal with the situations that take place with him. Even I know that I would have some specific problems with it myself given he and I have so much in common. However, don't think that that counts you out or anything. You still have the capability to get through to him.

It just comes down to empathizing and reaching out to each other when things don't feel right. That is easier said than done though so yeah, it would be a little complicated. It'll turn into a game where you're reassuring him and he's reassuring you. Sometimes it's good if someone can understand you firsthand, because the thing you can help yourself in the process.

[startledstars]

How can for (extreme) example kids being physically abused/raped by strangers/parents be a trial to overcome for good? Girls being kidnapped and sold for sex? Students stepping on a little puppy for views? If this is a sometimes situation where god lets evil thru, then its everyday 24/7 around the world not just sometimes. God cant stop evil, bacause we are everything between good and evil. Not god makes live wonderful nd miserable but we do. Towards us and others. Being afraid of live being meaningless none guiding us, that is what makes religioun(and other factors) u are free when u are open to see. There is no pure good and evil. Whatever you wet thru its not your fault, you happened to be where its bad but you are grown up indipendent and you can choose to be 'good' or 'bad' in order to help u or other people so long u live. But this god, at least how christianity potrays him, is a fear in your head that prevents you at crumbling infront of the worlds truth to make this all more bearable. People should believe whatever they want as long as it gets them going. But saying all you want is the truth, and yet believing in a god as the catholic religion and you present him. You seem to scared for the truth if you are willing to leave it at that. A simple as god knows. What kind of truth are you after? Be at least honest with yourself

Hi,

These are the right questions. The problem of evil is a Big One. 

In the past century, we’ve had:

two cities decimated by a nuclear bomb

hundreds of millions of people killed by their own governments (socialism is orders of magnitude worse than the holocaust)

famines that lead to parents killing and eating their own children

a global “pandemic” that governments used as a power grab, shutting down the global economy, causing millions of people to starve

And these are only the things we know. For every rape, abuse, and act of violence that is reported, there are many more that go unreported and unpunished. However, almost every rapist/abuser/theif/murder/politician is justified in their own mind. The true mark of an evil person is that they believe they are righteous, to the point where they are above any laws, and will never be sorry for anything they do. 

So, in a Godless world with no objective standards, it’s anyone’s game. Evil is simply a perception; an opinion. Same with good. You can choose to believe in a random, meaningless world where Shit Just Happens and humans are the highest power. You can choose to ignore the fact that there is an undeniable order to reality, where even atheistic scientists admit the universe is so finely tuned, they have to reevaluate their own theories. (That’s actually why the multi-verse theory exists. Scientists have no solid evidence that our universe is one of infinite parallel universe. Watch this video, time stamp 43:19 where famous athiest Dawkins admits the multiverse theory has no scientific evidence.)

You can turn your back on God because He allows things you disagree with. That’s what it usually boils down to: we look at evil with our limited intelligence, perception, and imagination, and decide that because we can’t find a reason for every single instance of wrong doing, no reason can exist. 

It’s like a teenager getting mad at his parents because they enforced curfew. Like a toddler raging because she was denied that fifth piece of candy. In those moments, because the child can’t comprehend their parent’s decision, the parent’s character comes into question.

This is pride and short-sightedness, especially when we’re talking about an infinite creator operating on an infinite universe over an infinite span of time. 

Again, I’m not condoning or justifying evil. The question of evil and human suffering is extremely valid. And I’ve never shied away from looking at the darkest parts of humanity, because that is an important piece of understanding reality. If you do a little digging, you’ll find that this world is so much more evil that you or I could begin to comprehend. People are evil, and it’s going to continue to get worse.

In the face of such evil, it would be easier to not believe in God. (There’s a post sitting in my drafts about how I actually tried to be an athiest because I couldn’t justify evil.) So I think you’re saying that I’m not sincere when I say “search for the truth,” because from your perspective, I believe in God either out of fear, or because it gives me a false sense of comfort. While I can understand why you might think that (because this is how I used to feel about Christians) it’s simply not the case here. 

No one forced these beliefs on me. I am not part of any church or denomination-- the ‘catholic’ comment is a bit out of left field. I don’t blame myself for what happened to me. I don’t blame any victim for their circumstances. Idk there’s some level of misunderstanding and too much to unpack entirely. 

But, if you’re looking for real answers to the problem of evil, I’d suggest approaching The Big Man himself. I do this all the time-- when I see something absolutely horrible, I ask Him how he could possibly allow that. Sometimes, He will give you answers (if you’re willing to hear Him out) and almost every time, He will send a sense of peace. This is something you have to experience for yourself to understand. 

Also, here are some debates between Atheists at the top of their field and Christians. Both sides present arguments better than I ever could, and I actually watched these videos thinking the Atheists might sway me but. Well, see for yourself:

Does God exist? William Lane Craig vs Christopher Hitchens

Richard Dawkins vs John Lennox - The God Delusion Debate

William Lane Craig and CosmicSkeptic Discuss The Kalam Cosmological Argument

(Not a debate but worth checking out)  Stephen Meyer: The Return of the God Hypothesis

Would God Allow Evil? CosmicSkeptic vs InspiringPhilosophy

And here’s a muslim vs. atheist debate to round things out

Bolded my favorites. These take a few hours to get through, but if you’re really interested in the problem of evil or the proof for God, these guys present it well. (btw surprisingly there is more logical/scientific proof for God’s existence than for the athiest or pantheistic model of reality. Check out this short clip. Science and religion used to be two sides of the same coin; people took an intelligent, ordered approach to studying the universe because they believed in an intelligent, ordered creator. So God answered the “why” and science answered the “how” of existence. Just some food for thought.)

I’d also recommend you look into the biblical story of Joseph (his own brothers sold him into slavery, but because of this, Joseph ended up ruling all of Egypt and saving the very brothers who betrayed him). And also the book of Job. While we can’t know everything about the mystery of evil, we can know enough to make an informed decision about God’s existence/character.

Anyways, thank you for this message. I hope you’ll consider the information in this response. I’m glad that you are asking the hard questions, and assure you that the answers are worth seeking and finding. Good night and God bless you :)

[softstraykidsimagines]

Boyfriend!Hyunjin

A/N: SHE PROTECC

SHE ATTACC

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

SHE BACC

HI GUYS!!! I’m so happy to be posting again i cry :,)  i hope you enjoy!!!! i;ll be updating as much as i can without rushing too much :D

MASTERLIST

Prepare your wigs peeps

This is gonna make me swerve

I mean

cmon it’s Hyunjin

Let’s do this!

Prince Hyunjin

Is actually smooth af with his crush

He'll complement you whenever he gets the chance

Or gives you food

Basically your knight in shining armor

Ye, that’s not what actually happens

He's smiling like an idiot and about collapse when he’s with you because HE'S FREAKING OUT OK

So freaking nervous his heartbeat is always up when he’s with you

You sometimes think he’s about to have a heart attack and you’re not stupid you know why lmao

Same for when he confesses

At first he’s pretty calm about it

Just casually asked if you wanted to see a movie with him some time

“Like... a-as more than friends?”

You'd kinda expected it so you weren't too shocked when he asked you

So you said yes

Duh

And he does a double take

"Wait.... Are you serious? You want to?"

"Well yeah?"

"WHAT WHY"

Was good with flirting but didn't actually think you'd go out with him smh

Now every minute he just contemplates the fact that he has you

And he still can't believe it

Like shit dude

He’s with the y/n

You never feel unloved when you're with him

He loves going for long walks, just to talk and relax

Why does it sound like he's a dog here lmao

Will always take as many pictures of you as his phone storage will allow, his camera roll is stuffed with pics of you

Will insist on going to the park for a picnic, he just loves you and the sunshine

He loves to quietly slide your hand into his

But he always ends up giggling because he’s so giddy about being with you

Has to take a moment to charge up his courage before giving you a quick kiss on the cheek

He then goes an unreal shade of scarlet as he covers his face, muttering that he ‘can’t believe that he actually did it’! 

It takes him a while to finally gather up the courage to properly kiss you

Like.... a very long time

You were starting to get worried that he didn’t actually like you

Maybe he was just too nervous to tell you that it wasn’t working for him

buT NOPE

On one certain date, Hyunjin had prepared a cute little dinner on the practice room floor

He was so apologetic about the poor setting, but finally had stopped saying sorry when you’d told him for the 2376129th time that you were having fun

At some point, he just went uber silent, watching you not in a creepy way

You eventually noticed, and just stared back

“What?”

He didn’t say anything, but his eyes did widen a wee bit

“What are you lookin at, you’re sorta scaring m-”

He cut you off and just kissed you

BOI YOU WERE SO SHOCKED

Afterwards you both just stared at each other

And then Hyunjin goes all red

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that I’m sorry that was stupid you can slap me if you want!!!!”

“Bruh why would I want to slap you?!”

“You don’t hate me?”

facepalms for days

You meet the other boys only a few minutes later

Go figure

You’re talking casually, the embarrassment from the kiss wearing off

They all come stampeding into the practice room making an ungodly racket

And all go quiet when they realize what they’ve done

Changbin, bless him, tries to reduce the awful level of awkwardness: “*cough* uh hey, Hyunjin.... This must be y/n right?” He waves at you. “We’ve heard a lot about you, Hyunjin never stops talking about you”

He misses the death glare Hyunjin shoots him

Then Jisung

Freakin Jisung, man

Waltzes up: “Hyunjin’s cheeks are really pink”. He gives a cheeky smile. “You didn’t kiss did you?”

The room goes as quiet as a tomb

“OH SHIT YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY KISS DID YOU????”

Of course Hyunjin completely loses his shit at the sight of you turning a deep red. “GODDAMMIT JISUNG STFU”

Ye your first meeting with SKZ wasn’t the best

But you all bonded rather quickly after

And Jisung buys you little snacks sometimes as an apology for your first awkward meeting

OH GOD THE BOYS ADORE YOU

If you’re ever sick, they always get snacks for Hyunjin to give you

And if you’re really under the weather, they’ll cover for Hyunjin so that he can stay with you and take care of you.

He wraps you in blankets

YOU ARE NOW A BURRITO

And tries to make soup for you

We know what cooking!Hyunjin leads to

You’re chilling on the couch and you suddenly hear a high-pitched scream

You’re up and sprinting to the kitchen at the speed of light still wrapped in a burrito

To find him fanning at a smoking pot

“WHAT THE FUCK HYUNJIN YOU JUST NEED TO HEAT IT UP HOW DID YOU START A MINI FIRE?”

You’re home doesn’t burn down thank goodness

And you end up heating some soup for yourself while Hyunjin watches

And it’s! hilarious! when he’s sick!

He becomes a little ten-year-old istg

But in a really cute way

He doesn’t ask for anything: food, to watch TV etc

Nah he just wants cuddles

The whole damn day

So while you’re struggling to keep a mask on and not getting sneezed on, this idiot is smiling like a puppy if puppies could smile, clinging onto you like a love-filled leach did that sound weird? i think that sounded really weird

i want this tattooed on my face thx

Now idk what this dude is afraid of

Something tells me one big fear would be to lose Stray Kids and the people he loves

And so I think he’d get kinda nervous when you both see less of each other and when he gets busier

You can’t talk as much because of his crazy schedule and with lack of sleep, he starts getting more irritated easier during the little intervals of time you get to see each other

At some point he might snap at you, maybe for no reason at all, and you’ll snap back indignantly

Yeah you love him but you’re not taking any attitude

If things get really bad, he just shakes his head, saying he needs some air

You’ll both give yourselves some space, but eventually Hyunjin becomes terrified that you’re too angry with him to talk again

So he goes to find you and talk

You both hug it out and decide to spent the rest of the day together for more quality time

And it’s totally worth Hyunjin getting an earful from Chan the next day

OK back to fluff quickly quickly

On the days Hyunjin goes somewhere, you sometimes join him in the car ride, tho you’re always super careful to never show your face when he gets out

Gotta stay hidden yknow?

You’ll both send cute little texts throughout the day and OOF just couple goals

You: hey check this out, this is me 2 u *sends heart meme*

Jiiniie<3: oh yeah? well this is me @ u! *sends heart meme with more hearts*

You: boi dont start smth u cant win!

And thus begins the heart meme wars

r they even called heart memes idk

i want this tattooed on my face pt2

We’ve already established that Hyunjin can’t cook for love or money

So if he even steps foot in the dorms’ kitchen

You bet that at least two other of his hyungs will follow for pure supervision

And he is not, under any circumstances, allowed to cook something by himself

And you’re grateful that your safety and world peace had been assured by this rule

Although, you’re allowed to cook together as long as you watch what he’s doing

If anything at all goes wrong, the blame is pinned on you

So it’s natural for you to treat these cooking projects as once-in-a-while occasions

Now when you ask about meeting his parents

Holy Hell

Stutters, clammy hands, flitting eyes, you name it

Hyunjin is so frickin nervous about you meeting his parents oof

You don’t understand why, like hey, how bad could it be right?

But pretty soon you get why Jinnie was nervous

His parents aren’t that trusting within the first hour of knowing you

You guess it might be because of poor past experiences?

Maybe Hyunjin had been judged or dated once too many times just for his looks?

The thought is enough to make you swear by all you know to always treat him like a treasure

You also make a mental note to ask him sometime

Eventually, his parents realize you have pure intentions and they become so much kinder and warmer

They let you know how welcome you are to visit whenever you want, they offer to send you off with some homemade cookies...

And Hyunjin gets so emotional at the beautiful site in front of him that he bursts into tears

Which causes you and his parents to tease and hug him

if you’re thick, let’s just be clear that im making a statement on how you should NOT judge Jinnie purely because he’s good looking, appreciate his talent!

Now, Hyunjin is kinda tall compared to the rest of SKZ hah im joking of course so it’s pure instinct to want to steal his shirts

Don’t lie, if you had the chance, you would take something i see right thru u

And at some point in your life, you stop realizing ‘hey, this isn’t my jumper!’ and just walk around in clothes that aren’t yours

And when this happens, three things follow:

You see a wild Hyunjin crashing through the apartment towards you, yelling happily that ‘that’s my favorite hoodie!!’ he tries to act like he’s angry and fails in 0.0000003 sec

He doesn’t slow down and freakin slams into you at full velocity, knocking you over or off anything you might be sitting on

He proceeds to tickle you mercilessly, until you either can’t breath and turn purple or until you commit an extreme act of violence in the name of self defense

Once this chaotic episode ends, most of the time with both of you are completely knackered and just lying on the floor

You both cool off by just cuddling and watching something on TV

Or reading something together!!!

I can totally see Hyunjin shoving one of his fav books in your face and insisting that you both take turns in reading aloud to each other

And you both react at the same time to shockers in the book, like you start crying together when a character dies who hasn’t had that traumatic experience or you both squeal with joy and hug each other tighter when something great happens

Did I just turn into a puddle of happy goo?

Yes I fuckin did.

I think Hyunjin wouldn’t take that long to tell you that he loves you

That doesn’t mean that he planned anything tho

HAH! Course he didn’t

Probs says it when he can barely think straight

Maybe you’re watching him dance late at night

You’d brought snacks to keep him going ‘cause he was working his ass off

And there you sit, marveling at his skill and fluidity while executing his choreo

You have a talent for hyping Hyunjin up while he dances, cheering when he leaps high into the air, gasping when he performs a complicated move, and aw-ing and his graceful poses ok im done now

When he finishes one of his more dramatic dances, you jump up with glee and tackle him in a hug despite him being sweaty, saying how proud you are

He hugs you back happily and says:

“I should be the proud one, having someone I love so much being so supportive of me”.

You both freeze, still hugging each other

And neither of you move or breathe for a moment

“What did you say?”

“UhhhHHHH NOTHING I SAID NOTHING”

“You said that you love me!”

“WAT NO I DIDN’T I-”

“HYUNJIN I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!”

“N- wait what?”

“I love you, dumbass” same tho

Oof that poor practice room has seen a lot of awkwardness

I’m cracking up just by thinking of how hopeless Hyunjin could become when SKZ are away

“Hey do you guys have a signal and/or data? I wanna Skype y/n and show them the beautiful view”.

*all of SKZ facepalms*

Always taking pictures to show you

In the evenings, you get a frickin cascade of notifications of both photos and messages from the poor boy telling you he misses you like crazy

When Skyping, he asks to see Khami, who you have the pleasure of caring for during his absence

You do question (mentally and then verbally) whether he calls to talk to you or his dog

He never answers the question heh

There’s lowkey a competition between you and Khami for Hyunjin’s affection

When the boys make their flight home, Hyunjin keeps you informed about everything that’s happening

I mean everything:

Jiiniie<3: we’re @ the airport :D     -6h ago

Jiiniie<3: waiting to board!     -5h ago

Jiiniie<3: they’re getting ready to go, i can’t wait to see you!! xxx      -5h ago

Jiiniie<3: will text you when we arrive, love!     -5h ago

Jiiniie<3: JUST LANDED! CANT WAIT TO HUG U     -31mins ago

Jiiniie<3: about to get our luggage!     -Just now

You get the point -_-

When you finally see each other, he runs at top speed to pick you up and spins you around

frickin goals man i feel so sad writing this :,)

He goes public in probably the most aesthetic way that’s physically possible

He posts a bunch of gorgeous photos-

Courtesy of Jisung

-of your silhouettes in front of sunsets

-Pics he took of you laughing during a cafe trip

-Bomb-ass selcas where you’re both lookin hella fine

Just

UGGHHH

SO! AESTHETIC!!!

Naturally, the internet freaks the fuck out

Both of you are kinda nervous about the explosive reaction

There are salty bitches who are telling you to piss off because they jelly

But the huge majority of Stay are crying with happiness and wishing you both well

this better happen in the future im watching all of u

And soon Hyunjin is talking about you on vLives, proud af because y/n freakin rules!

OhmyGod I love Hyunjin

Damn my heart be like < HYUNJIN 3 phew

[squeiky]

This is kinda a rant about my day and my birthday, moms, and shit so like, ya'll be warned.

I got to hang out with my friend today :)

Its the best before birthday party ever!!

Which is funny, beacuse i usually always enjoy the day before my birthday, and not the day of my birthday xDDD

There was this huge wind that knocked out almost everything on out picnic table xD I BLAME THE PLANES!! THE GIANT METAL BIRDS IN THE SKY! ):O!

And we biked everywhere!! We where so tired xD so we sat down and talked about stuff (but i cant tell you what we said.)

It was a very fun day.

We even watched some tick tocs.

Now tomorrow.. Is my actually birthday. I am not so hyped for that.

I have had a few nice birthday days, but as far as i can remember I only had 2 soo..

Yeah....

I prefer my before birthday days anyways.

Im so tired from all the biking and walking and my mom brought way to much food and drinks...

Ughh and tomorrow i gotta wake up early?! Seriously??! On a birthday?!

Apparently i have to go to church, to pray to god or what not.

The thing is, im not that much of a religious kid. I don't hide it either.

And im pretty sure this is either another one of her get together with her friends or... My one friend that could come over :>

Most likely her friends, and not mine... Not that i dont mind it, but im tired, and my stamina is completely demolished.

And everytime i go to place that has alot of people, indoors, in a place i am unfamilar in..

I get a panic attack. Especially now, during the pandemic and isolation.

My mom made to go to church before, and we had to do all these things, and i dont like it, i panicked untill it was over and most people where gone...

The only thing i like about the whole thing is its lovely echo, and its music(its really a lovely composition, i admire the hard work and talent that's put into these things. A lot of stuff like this gets over looked by many. I don't care if its a gift from God, that shit is a gift and should be appreciated and not overlooked.) Other than that, i wish i just stayed home...

Like, I really don't want to do all these things.

I injured my freaking leg, and im pretty sure im slowly harming myself more and more freuently-

(I had a flipping panic when i didn't hand in a assignment in on the assigned time, despite my teacher giving a heads up that I could chill on it as long as its handed in- what makes you think i can handle 30 people, im a giant ass house of singing and preaching for a few minutez?)

Im super salty about waking up early tho qwq...

I should be happy that I had this cool birthday, but I REEALLY just want alone time.

And i know a little girl is coming tomorrow to my party, and her parents practically just hand em too me, cause im good with kids..

But like, im drained. Super drained. Im probably gonna be hella sore too.

God i hate my birthday day, so im just gonna rant/vent about it here.

I know im going to get distracted, or excited, and the adrenalin kicks in and i end up not feeling a single pain or ache in my body.

But I swear, adrenalin will not heal my mental/emotional health that is slowly depleting. And i have fun yeah, but like im growing tired in the end.

Its fun, but I don't get anything out of it.

And the more i think about it, the more i dislike a lot of things.

My mom sucks, she sucks alot.

Man, shes quite the abusive person. But you can never tell. The only way you can is by how i turned out, or what my dad would tell you. (My dad is a good man. I love my dad he is the best. Mom just uses him as a way to "send me away" when im "too much for her.")

And im always panicking when she's near the little girl, that i play with. (She wonderful, and very sweet.)

My mom has told her the terrible things she told me when i was little. The things that made me so anxious and shifty.. Depressive and well... Not in a good state of mind. (I'll just sugar coat that one.)

One of the reasons why i hate my birthdays so much.

It started getting worse the more i grew older, and the more i started to learn about her. And i really dont like her, but if she knew that, we'd argue the same way we have been doing for years of my life. And she would kick me out.

So you see why i hate my birthday days.

Every birthday i dont spend with her? Well its the best time of my life. And im not even kidding on this one.

Im still salty on that one birthday, she invited all her friends, and they ordered a cake i couldn't eat. And kept pestering me to eat it. I moved on from it, i dont bring it up anymore. But im still fucking salty.

And i probably would have ate it too. But the flavor was just..not for me. And the texture?! Come on. Im pretty sure i was just picky that day, or it was an accident but i swear-

I dont even know the diffrence between friendly "check ups" and un friendly "check ups".

Y'know, the ones where its like "aww they are sleeping how cute i love them! "

And

" im gonna bust this door open and slap your ass beacuse you where awake for too long."

I remeber when I was little, she pulled my hair, and fucking smashed my goddamn phone cause she was "mad at me for staying up late"

She had fucking sex in the bed RIGHT NEXT TO MINE- and then lied about it. Bro i was tramutized.

It was with the fucking landlord, where the hell was my mom's mind set when i was younger?! That dude was a total creep, and he smelled like shit! Sex is stinky and i don't like it. (I was fucking 12, what do you expect? I had pillows to block my back so i couldn't look back and see that. But i woke up to this shit, like man im still tramatized. WE ARE IN THE SAME BEDROOM MOM, WTF?! IM FUCKING 12!)

I hate the house now. I don't like walking there either. Im glad we moved. (Bad memories. Always bad memories there. I don't know what the fuck my mom was going through, but she sure as hell took it all on me, i was messed up every since then. Man, i wasn't even emo, i was just some 12 yr old kid would looks out windows dramatically crying beacuse it was my only coping mechanism, and it made me feel better watching the sunsets and looking at trees.)

Man, I hate a lot of things don't i? I have this unrelenting anger, and im so glad i dont use it as horribly as my mom does, and instead used it too better myself and use it like an extra power source beacuse anger is a fuel that is uncontrollable but under the right circumstances can be be used wisely and become very nicely controlled. And i learned to control it. :) well, as good as i can of course.

I forget that I've been arguing my whole life.. So thats why im so good at having *intellegent* arguements.

Fucking expirence.

God damit mom.

I have to show u goddamn books in order for you too understand why black lives matter, or how to not scare tiny 3 or 4 yr olds about how the man down stairs will cut their tounges or how you make deals that never benefit me and i just get manipulated over and over again untill i find a way out of the loop, or why i need privacy and space in my life-

So yeah basically, im done.

I gotta sleep or else shes gonna bust in here and do shit.

[mamusings]

Supernatural Season 2 thoughts

Continuing with my rewatch. This season kicks up several gears on season 1. Overall the storytelling is much better. There is a less formulaic approach to the even the MOTW episodes. Its inventive: you get one from the perspective of the ghost (Roadkill), two that layer in the boys run ins with the law. The first 4th wall breaker (Hollywood babylon), first alt reality (What is and what should never be) and I think the first straight up comic one (Tall Tales). This works much better. S1 episodes give you: a kill, work out the lore, find the creature and kill it right back. Instead of s1 espousing the lore and developing the brothers as a team, we now get to explore the show's moral compas and the complexity of what brotherhood means within it. I think Hollywood Babylon riffs off ditching the initial importance placed on accuracy in how Spn presented itself in it's own storyline. Yep we like story telling thank you, realism isnt really the point. The monsters and sub plots more clearly refract on the season themes and plot.

Supporting characters are another aspect of the shows blooming. They are a much more varied and interesting bunch. Gordon helps explore a key issue for the show - the distinction between being a hunter and a killer. Its significant he appears twice - it's a big issue. The psychics Andy and Ava are fun. Bank heist dude Ronald garners the right mix of derision and respect - I'm not sure spn homages to freaks and geeks hit the right note most of the time. And theres the Roadhouse crew and Bobby who really help flesh out what can become an overly confined universe.

The first third explores grief. You get the contrast in Sam and Dean's personalities in how they try to deal with John's death. But you also get the sense of them learning from each other as the season progresses. Dean tries talking. Sam tries keeping busy. Both grow while staying themselves. Nice. You also get a switch from s1 dominance of Dean's concern for Sam, with Sam's concern about Dean's increasingly high octane behaviour here and it's a nice switch. With grief you get guilt. Sam's is the easier too little too late regrets. Dean's is the motherload of guilt that John sacrificed himself for him. Given the shows dominant theology is Christian I find it hugely interesting that the focus here is on the receiver of the sacrifice. The overwhelming guilt Dean feels underpins the opening episodes, gets hammered home in Crossroads and then comes back for an even bigger bite when Dean does the same to Sam in the finale. Bobby's anger with Dean and Sam's devastation leaves me little doubt that as much as we all love that Sam is back, Dean did wrong here. Although maybe Dean's guilt comes from his low self worth. Sam might cope very differently?? But I do think the zombie episode declarations of 'what is dead should stay dead' make the point that thus wheeling and dealing with death cant be good. I personally find the idea that moral rules dont apply to Sam and Dean because of love is a weak one. I think fandom does spn a disservice by reducing something really complicated here into 'well they are soul mates'. Loving someone is not an excuse to chuck the rules out the window. But maybe the show itself descends into a moral free for all with no underpinning message and the blame lies there? I'm not sure. In a way that is what I'm trying to figure out with these commentaries.

What works better in explaining why Dean does to Sam what John did to him is the other big theme of season 2: the idea that right and wrong isnt black and white. This is the focus of lots of episodes some of which explore whether hunters are just killers. And others that explore at what stage something becomes evil and why. Both these questions are crucial in relation to Sam's destiny and how each of them should respond to that destiny. The first half of the season sees Dean trying out his fathers black/white approach and the hardening off of himself he thinks he needs to achieve in order to kill Sam should that becomes necessary. Its the mid season finale that finally answers that one for Dean. Sam goes proper bad, Dean doesn't kill him. Along the way, with Sam's prompting, Dean questions not only his father but also the morality he had assumed of his hunting so far. How Dean outgrows John is a huge theme for me. I find it fascinating because he remains the same kind of man as John. Tough, difficult etc he diesnt become Sam. What he changes ir accepts are that what he prizes isnt what John prizes, but rather the people he loves and he learns that this isnt a failing or a weakness. But it's a long long road.

Sam wrestles with the fact that he may turn evil trying to find ways to hope and ways to cope. He takes a leaf out of the Dean playbook at gets drunk. He prays. He looks for a safety net getting Dean's to promise to off him. Dean promises to save him, but the message in Heart is that sometimes the only way to save someone is to kill them. However, the other message is solving things one step at a time, making the right play for the circumstances and not drawing one arbitrary line somewhere - be it between people and non-people or even that evil acts make you irredeemably evil. Slippery stuff, but that's what makes it interesting.

One thing I really like in this season is how the brothers begin to influence each other. They are still a study in contrasts, but they try out each others approaches and they've learned to value what the other brings to the table. As Sam says in the opener they have just started to be brothers again. Their relationship is so supportive that the comic Tall Tales reminding us how much they wind each other up is a needed counterpart lest things get just too damn sweet. The disturbing siblings at the centre of 2 episodes is also sends the message that it ain't all roses too. Andy has an actual evil twin. The ending of Playthings with the sisters is filled with creepy foreboding is particular to this episode. One sister gives her life up for the other and it feels wrong. Of course its foreshadowing other famous brothers but let's leave that alone just now.

In terms of Sam and Dean, their brotherhood seems to have kicked the S1 Sam and Dean team up into formidable. Their run-ins with law enforcement moves our perception of them beyond boys hunting into being increasingly impressed as they outwit cops and feds. It also moves their interactions with outsiders beyond gratitude from victims towards validation from peers and this feels important. There's the seamless teamwork with code words and all. But more importantly trust and loyalty - Sam is unswayed under police questioning in The Usual Suspects. Folsom Prison Blues most explicitly highlights Dean's almost fanatical sense of loyalty and paying your dues.

This pays off in the final two parter. As strong as All Hell Breaks Lose 2 is, part 1 is a yawn fest. But what is interesting is that while Sam does his best to found a team, Azazel can just pluck them off one by one by appeals to each person's individual self interest. The only one of the psychics who gets that the only way to win is to stick together is Sam. In my view Sam learned this from Dean. Dean is always playing the stronger together card. At this point in the show, brotherhood is about solidarity, trust and loyalty. That's actually the message here far more than love. Of course they love each other. But that alone wouldn't have got them this far. What gets them here is sticking together. When Dean finally surpasses John in killing Azazel he gets his moment of John unqualified approval and love. But right after comes the key dialogue of the season. Sam says 'you did it' and Dean replies 'I didnt do it alone'. That seems to me to highlight what's been going on so far. Learning not to do it alone. Learning to lean on and accept others. That's where the Winchester boys outgrow their upbringing and themselves.

Addendum: the angel episode House of the Holy deserves a mention. Its so finely balanced between being about angels and not when viewed on it's own. Its only on rewatching that the effects and props leave you in no doubt that even if F. Gregory isn't an angel this episode is about angels. Its curious as to why it's in season 2 rather than maybe in s3 - no angel appears until season 4. I refuse to count Gabriel in s3 as an angel appearance as he's for many seasons yet still just the trickster. So why? Maybe it's to help us understand the significance for Sam? Angels give Sam hope - making it even more awful for him that he is the object of their suspicion. Or is it about the need for faith, which tellingly Dean hadn't got.

#supernatural #spn #sam #dean #winchester

[killyourselflater]

Kill yourself later Reason #49 Things can always get worse.

I am not going to quote Murphy’s law, because I’m trying to maintain at least the slightest illusion of originality around here. But as everyone knows, things can always get worse. Why does this matter? Because when you kill yourself, you are essentially wasting the most extreme reaction you have. You are wasting the ultimate, “fuck this I’m out” at a certain moment, when realistically, there is every chance a worse set of circumstances will come along.

For example, given that we are all currently in quarantine, most of us would agree that things are worse than they were two months before. And yes, I hear you introverts, claiming that you are having the time of your life, that nothing in life gives you as much joy as not even having to go through the superficial effort of pretending that you want to actually go through with plans. Indeed, I myself can attest to my current relief at not experiencing my normal level of jealously at other people for having plans and parties and general joy de vivre. But still, most people would agree that things are worse right now. No drinking in pubs, not meetings with your therapist, none of that.

So, imagine being the total idiot who killed himself this January, showing up in the afterlife. He’s barely been there a few weeks, suddenly all these other people start showing up. And sure, a lot of them will be showing up involuntary, all having the same story. “ah the virus? Yeah me too, just two weeks and then lights out.” “Ah sorry to hear that.”Nah I was 89, it was alright you know? I had a DNR and everything.” I imagine he wouldn’t get any judgment from these people. But then he sees someone else who killed himself in like March you know? And he gets to talking to him, of course, being the ones who killed themselves to get there. And then the March guy says: “Oh so you also saw how terrible things were, and couldn’t keep going huh? Yeah, a 1000 people died in my town, and I just didn’t want to hear even more bad news. “ Our idiot who killed himself is going to bullied mercilessly when he admits he did it in January. “Oh, boohoo the world was so bad? You should have seen it in March! Now that was a world worth killing yourself over! Not like January you little pussy.”

And now some of you might be saying: “Okay, so now that the world has gotten to this point, now I can do it right, now I can end it? Without fear of afterlife-bullying?” Nope, because that’s where that immutable truth comes in. Things can always get worse! I mean were in April now, and things are only getting worse. “And after the virus is gone?” Gone? Who says its going anywhere? It could mutate, people who’ve gotten it might not be immune, maybe well get Covid-20 because China opens up the animal markets again. And even if it goes away, that only makes it possible for us to start fighting over blame, or dealing with the inevitable economic crisis. So, if you kill yourself now, in April, you’re feeling pretty good about your chances huh? You think you get to be up there, making fun of the idiots who killed themselves in February, and suddenly somebody from August shows up. He steps up to you and says: “You killed yourself in April? What a little wimp! Now see, in August the mutants from the Pakistan-France Nuclear war started eating everyone in my town, now that is a horrible set of circumstances. I only blew my brains out after I watched one take a bite of my cousin’s arm, like a MAN!!”

Now you might say, “I don’t even believe in the afterlife, how does any of this apply to me?” Well that’s where what I mentioned in the beginning comes back. You are literally using the most extreme reaction a human being can have, to react to something that you don’t KNOW is the worst things could be. I mean even if you don’t care at all about what the world is like, this works on a personal level too! So, you don’t have any friends, and only your parents care if you’ alive? What if they died too? Suddenly you’re not around to kill yourself as a response to their deaths, reaffirming how horrible it is, because you have already killed yourself over your loneliness. What if you parents die then, and then you kill yourself? Well you didn’t yet have your horrible accident, that shattered your neck and left you paralyzed. Now that, all alone, parents are dead, paralyzed, is a set of circumstances in which people could understand you killing yourself. And yet still, it could get worse!! You can never be really totally sure, that things could not get worse, and so, you can never use your most extreme reaction, killing yourself, out of fear of wasting it.

And if someday, way later you end up tortured in every single possible way you can think of, and the world is worse than it’s ever been before, and you really cant think of a single way that things could get worse, then maybe  you can take the risk on some heavenly harassment, and end things. Until then, keep going.

Remember, whatever happens, you can always kill yourself later.

[gothalbinoangel-fanfiction]

@dangara2610 replied to your post: Sick Psychoanalysis of Upset Peeps

Oh, I want to read that fic ? Where is it published ? Or, may I have the link? Also I kind of agree, men, Varian went way too low , but I can deny he made grow sympaty and remember all those (real life) kids and minnors in jail  and wonder how can we really get them out of that scary mentality that made them commit their crimes , like... Had they their meals in time ? When the body is not well nurturished the brain tends to take the wrong points

(Old Corona and its crops were wasted , so it made me think about how much was he eating) Grief un-respected or even not comforted from family or friends (yeap, Baymax quotes xD) , he dealing with a loss and no body visiting or trying to cherry him up all this time until he visited Rapz also may had something to do. He stated in the letter with the scroll that he was being spyed / harassed , so, more hate induced insecurity .

But even when I grow sympaty thinking in those points , I was still angry at some fans xD , I ranted about " please stop excusing him for everything, you'll become like those typical people out in jail claiming that your sweet  child/love of your life / friend almost family did nothing wrong but yes! He did wrong and it cant go unpunished , rehabilitation is needed and you need to take a step on earth and realize    forgiveness is not that efective until he snap it out "

Something like that :0

I like you. Because you’re absolutely right. In media, especially multimedia platforms, there is always a message. Writing, especially, almost always has a message behind it. Old Corona was in ruins, and Varian was trying to find a way to fix is. Before Queen For a Day, it feels like Varian understands that Rapunzel is the princess and has to look after her kingdom. In fact, he watched his own father outright deny that anything was wrong in their home, despite how people were suffering. It’s understandable he would be in a panic, since the king wouldn’t help them, Rapunzel wasn’t aware of how bad things had gotten, and his father wasn’t asking for help. He was looking for a way to destroy the rocks and for all he knew, his father was gone forever.

It’s understandable that he would be grieving and would place blame. He can’t blame his father because Quirin was conveniently stuck in the amber. He does make mention in Secret of the Sun Drop that King Frederick ‘villified’ him, which actually didn’t happen until Varian had committed treason. However, he turned his sights on Rapunzel as the reason he’s suffering. While this is technically true, the way he goes about it is all wrong. His actions, mannerisms, and word choice indicate that he thinks it was a plan all along for Rapunzel not to help him the day of the snowstorm and for everyone to keep him from her.

Misplaced Blame (here’s the link btw, I’m gonna be cleaning it up and adding chapter two when I’m over being sick) doesn’t go into what got Varian to this point (because the show does), but you’re definitely right on the real life correlations and how Varian’s home life likely had a role to play. But I also mentioned that he had other ways of contacting the princess. He could have gotten word to her about what was happening without sending her on a dangerous mission in his home. If he could send a message via floating lantern, he could have easily requested her come and find out what happened. All it would’ve taken would be him explaining to Rapunzel how his dad got that way and her going to confront her father about it. The rocks were making their way toward the palace, so Frederick couldn’t have hidden it forever. Varian’s role was to speed up Rapunzel finding out, but they didn’t have to turn him into a villain to do that.

Doing things the way they did practically excuses attempted murder (because I’ve zero doubts they probably made him a ‘good guy’ again in Season Two or Season Three). No, attempted murder is not the way to go about things, but it also can’t be overlooked. He tried to kill people and not even for good reason. He was going to crush them just to ‘take away’ what Rapunzel loved. Yes, he was upset, but he still knowingly and willingly committed treason on at least two separate occasions. Considering the circumstances, he could have had a lighter sentence, but he still would need to spend the time in prison confronting what he did wrong. At the end of Misplaced Blame, I make sure to show that Arianna and Cassandra don’t actually want Varian to be cold and bitter, Cassandra wants the lovable dork she knew back.

But insta-forgiveness is not the way to make someone understand what they did wrong (as you pointed out). They need to understand how it was their fault and properly atone for that. I doubt the writers did anything that significant, though, so no, I’m not going to sugarcoat what he did and I’m not going to treat him as some ‘smol precious baby who did no wrong’. I want my lovable dork back. I’m infuriated that they made him into a villain the way they did. But I’m also not going to just ignore the stuff he did as a villain just because I want my lovable dork back. This isn’t me getting angry at people who write fics where he’s not a villain, or fics where he gets redeemed, or fics where he doesn’t become a villain at all. They’re perfectly in their right to do that. I am the last person who would be upset at someone for writing those kinds of fics, because I do. Hell, I have a few story ideas where the whole black rocks thing isn’t a thing at all (because it was a stupid plot and I want my lovable dork), so I’m not mad at people for doing that. But someone can’t get angry at me for not sugarcoating or excusing Varian’s actions, because he did that and he needs to face some sort of consequence for it.

[ficstogo]

Somebody Else Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Go With Your Gut

Summary: Sandra looks back on the beginning of the end.

Word Count: 3,650

Fic Masterlist

“Hey, Harold. Something big came up and I gotta go take care of it. I’ll call you when I get there, or you’ll call me. Whichever.” Shoving her phone back into her pocket, Sandra rushed her and her belongings into her car, preparing to take the long trip to the airport and complete an even longer trip to LS. She was completely livid. The news that Trevor brought had changed her mood from depressed to wanting to blast something in the face with a nailed baseball bat. Thinking back to the phone call the other night only made her fury even more potent than before. Sandra immediately went to find the earliest plane ticket there, buying it as she now had a mission to destroy Michael Townley at all costs. She would have loved it if the night had ended completely different. She would have wanted to keep on the gig of being mad at Trevor and then begin the process of getting to know each other all over again. Just like starting over. Pretend that they were long lost friends of better conditions. Either way, she would’ve continued on with chatting the night away with him with beer and laughter, pretending that he was in the same room as she was.

The night ended much differently though. After getting her things to fit in her suitcase, Sandra called Dr. Harvey about her mother being deathly ill, and having to visit her back home. She brought the rest of the leftover beers from her fridge to her bedroom and drank away. For a small while, the feeling of wanting to cry left her after that phone call. All she felt was anger, but it all came back to her at once when her angry thoughts turned sour once more. These were the circumstances that lead to Trevor calling her. If not this, she more than likely wouldn’t hear from him for another ten years or never at all and it broke her. She really had no friends. She really didn’t mean much to Trevor, except for the fact that she only helped to fuel the idea that he was in the right side of things for once. Sandra enabled that his feelings justified what he wanted to do because another person felt the same. Then thoughts led to her other friend. Her “dead” friend. Why? Why in the hell would he do something so god awful like that? For so long she blamed herself for what happened back at North Yankton. She remembered how nice Michael had been when Trevor freaked on her on not being on that last heist. How nice he was when she snapped at them. Because of that, she hated herself for so long. For letting her anger and pettiness be the reason that she never saw her friends again.

.~.~.~.~.~.

Sandra laid on her worn out couch staring at the ceiling with the television filling in the silence. She was waiting for a call to hear where the next race would take place and when. It was an easy way of making money, although at the moment, she had enough to make life easy for at least four more months, give or take. But that was far from her mind. She needed something to do, something to keep her occupied and racing was a productive way of doing that. Having enough of the noise, she turned off the small, shitty television and continued to lose herself in her thoughts. Although she would have loved to ring up the boys and see if they could go out for a night of drinking, they all had to lay low for another week. By then, Michael would be busy playing house and Trevor would be too busy hanging out with his best friend. A friend that seemed to overshadow her. Sandra didn’t mind Brad, but she couldn’t help but feel that as each day passes, she was slowly losing Trevor to him. He was a handful and she knew it, but Trevor was her mess of a man to deal with since the beginning. As for Michael, he had a family to look after as strange as that sounded. He was no family man, but when the news about Amanda’s pregnancy came out, the idea of abandoning his children was unbearable. He did not want to be like his father and so the decision to stay had stuck.

Thinking about Amanda led a frown to form on Sandra’s face. It was understandable that Amanda wouldn’t want the crew around Michael anymore, she got that. If she had a family, she would try to drop that life as soon as she could, but what grinds her gears was the way Amanda is. She acted so...privileged, so uppity, so above everyone as though she was queen bee. She knew Amanda viewed them as scum level, trailer trash, as though she had the right to say what’s proper living. She was a goddamn stripper-turned-prostitute who had a boob job and suddenly had a god complex. Then again, maybe she always had that. She lived in a trailer too for god sakes! Sandra’s way of making a living wasn’t honest, but she sure as hell was smart enough to avoid selling herself to strange men. That was something she made sure of. She has no right to treat any of them like shit. What was worse was that she always came after Sandra. She only assumed it was to assert her dominance in Michael's life like some small feeble minded animal. Maybe it was because she was one of Michaels female friends that he might have a thing for. As if. Either way, it was a classic girl-on-girl hate game that played on and she really really hated it. Sandra imagined clawing her eyes out and throwing a few punches here and there while saying things to ruin what little self-esteem she had left. The only reason she hadn’t gone full swing was because it was her friend's wife and she did not want to risk that relationship. At this moment, all her relationships were dwindling.

The sudden ring from the coffee table startled her away from her thoughts. Sitting up to see which phone was ringing, she knew it was the small black one informing her that this was a business call that needed to be answered. “Hello?” She said groggily to the other end.

“L’s, tonight, eight a’clock.” And the line went dead. Feeling buzzed from the call, she was happy that there was going to be new work to do.

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Tying up her long dark hair into a ponytail, Sandra took a look at her bright brown eyes in the rearview mirror. They had bags under them from the lack of sleep the weeks previous provided her. She prepped herself for the excitement that this meeting would bring. She was happy that after this hiatus, she could finally get off her ass and do something to ease the boredom once more. Tugging on her jacket, she exited her car and walked towards the small, mobile trailer. With the light from the trailer blanketing her, she knocked a steady rhythm. Sandra took a look around her as the snow kept falling to make the bare area look like a winter wonderland. The sound of the creaking door in front took her attention as she now laid her eyes on a small, weak-looking man, with the iciest blue eyes she’s seen in her life.

“Glad you could make it.” Lester said as he moved to the side for Sandra to walk through. Peeking his head through the door, he takes a few seconds to look around outside as his paranoid self does whenever guests come over.

“Couldn’t possibly skip out on a chance to win some big bucks.” There in the room stood Michael, focused and out of touch with what was going on at the moment. He was more than likely thinking in great detail of the events that would unfold. Trevor stood with his god awful mullet and stache, having a frown to go with the threatening look that he’s pulling off so well. And then Brad, who sat on one of the small raggedy sofas with a bored look, a look that wasn’t new whenever he attended these meetings.

“So boys, what's the score?” Her voice projected in an amused yet confident tone. They all turned to look after her, happy to get this meeting started.

“North Yankton State Bank.” Michael said with eagerness in his voice.

“You’re serious!?” Sandra chuckled out with a quirked brow as she sat at the small table in the room.

“As serious as I can be. It may not be much but it’ll sure as hell cover us for a good while.”

“No complaints here.”

.~.~.~.~.~.

As Lester finished up with his presentation, there was the question that always came to mind when discussing any heist. “What are the chances we make it out clean?” With her hands clasped on top of the table, her eyes focused on the blueprint in front of her.

“Do you want the answer that feeds into doing this job or do you want my actual god honest opinion?”

“The answer that won’t send me to my grave early.”

Lester looked at each of the thieves with a nervous expression risen on his face and hesitated only for a second to answer. “...I don't think that this job is something you guys can go through.”

“Oh come on Lest! What do you mean we cant? We got the best the of the best here! We're gonna make it through it and we're gonna make it through it rich.” Trevor exclaimed. He wanted so bad to go through with this score and he wanted everyone to be apart of it. He’d cut Lester’s tongue out if this was going to change Sandra’s mind.

“And then we can finally end it here.” Michael calmly said with what sounded as if he let out a welcomed sigh.

“What do you mean “end it”?” Her head slowly turned to Michael as her eyes squinted in skepticism.

“You didn’t tell her?” Lester said in surprise, looking between his companions once more.

“Shut it, mole man!” Trevor yelled, only to see Lester squirm back from his outburst.

“Uh, Me and Trev have been talkin’-”

“We decided to end the partnership after this job. Sorry for you to be the last to know Sandy.” Trevor said as he looked away from her. He knew how much they meant to her because he felt the same with them. It killed him when Michael opened up about how he wanted to leave them and it murdered him when he decided for it. He was going to tell Sandra but for some reason, he always found something to distract him from doing that. He realized now how that could go wrong.

“Wait wait wait wait. I know that this job would cover us for a good while but are you guys seriously deciding on not doing this anymore?” Her dirt eyes looked back and forth between the two as her chest felt constriction.

“You know I got a family S, I can't keep doing this.” Michael said as he looked to the floor, not wanting to look at her. He couldn’t risk their lives because of him. He didn’t want his children to visit him in prison and know their father to be a pitiful loser who couldn’t do any better in providing for them. He didn’t want to be absent in their lives, let alone because he was six feet underground. Michael just couldn’t find himself doing that to them. He wanted to be better. For them.

“And I never said I was done. Me and Brad, we’re gonna go places.”

“Oh really? And where does that leave me, huh? Where am I in all of this? All four of you decided to have this chat and leave me out! Do I really not count in anything?”

“No! Sandy that’s not why-”

“Cut the shit! I noticed how I've been the last in anything nowadays. And you told Lester instead of the person who’s gotten your backs since the start! The person that almost slept her way to make extra cash when we needed it bad! The person who drives your asses out the heat before the cops could get on to us!?”

“San-”

“What’ll screw us over on this?” Sandra said in a firm tone as she turned her attention instantly to Lester.

“Uh, right of course. Our main problem is security and the time frame. I'm afraid that it's too short for any of you to make it to the van on time.” Lester flustered out. Even though Michael gave hints about it being the last job, he honestly thought that Sandra would be the first he talked to about it. They always seemed to be more connected but then again it was hard when all three of them were so close to each other. When Lester met them, it was like high school. The new kid meeting the clique and how it was hard to break through their barrier that they’ve built up together. Although this is all business, he did feel like the outsider with their group. Eventually, he turned to the person they always praised and respect. Well two of the three, he should say.

“Fuck security! They can’t do shit to us! And we’ll be fast! As long as we know the plan like clockwork, we’ll be home free!” Brad said with confidence.

“For once, Brad’s right. We’ll do this and we’ll do this with no repercussions. Sandy, this job will be like any other job we’ve done. There’s no way we can fuck this up!” Michael said. He could see that she wasn’t convinced and he needed her to see it his way. He needed this and he needed her on this job.

Only thoughts battled within her head. It was a good score but the fact that Lester wasn’t a hundred percent behind it like he usually is is what was really breaking the tie on what she should do. “I trust that you guys can’t fuck it up but I trust Lester more on this. You know I don’t go full on without Lester’s approval on it.”

“Oh come on Sandra-D!” There it was. The stupid nickname they used whenever they wanted her to do something that she was stubborn on. How Marty McFly hated being called a chicken, she hated being called Sandra-D. It had the same punch of being called a pussy and it always worked in their favor. She had too much of an ego and pride to back out, but she knew that nickname wouldn’t work this time. “You use to go into jobs head-on before we ever met Lester! Whatever it was, you never hesitated! What happened to the old Sandy!?” Trevor said in a passion with his hands slammed on the table, looking straight at Sandra, a desperate fire burning in his eyes.

“That old Sandy was stupid and almost got herself killed and caught more times than she can count because she thought it was a good idea to listen to you two fuck heads!” She said as she rose herself in the same position as Trevor. “Fuck you guys! I ain’t doing this job!” She yelled as she grabbed her jacket from the back of her seat and headed to the door.

“Are you fucking serious!? Are you fucking with me right now!? This is our last Goddamn heist together and you can’t help but fuck this up for us!? You’re a real bitch, you know that, Sandra!? You can’t even do this one thing for us without that stick up your ass!”

“Trevor!” Michael yelled.

“How about I get that stick that’s in my ass and fucking beat the living shit out of you, you fucking psychotic good for nothing piece of shit!” She yelled stalking towards him as a force that couldn’t be stopped. “If you wanna talk about who fucks up what, let’s talk about your fucking star moments, huh! At least I don’t fucking kill any of the goddamn hostages because they looked at me funny! At least I’m not the one that drives everyone into hiding because the cops are onto us for a fucking murder case! At least I’m not the one who tries to start shit up while we’re trying to lay low!” She continued on at his face. Everytime they were on a job, she always had to worry about him doing just that and it always made her more anxious than what she should be. She already had to worry about making sure she didn’t mess up. She had to make sure that the everything was going to plan. She had to worry about not getting in a wreck whenever they drove off. Sandra did not need that extra weight on her.

As she walked past the men, she felt a grip on her arm like their life depended on it and it did. “Sandra! Wait! We need you. I can’t get another driver as good as you! You’re the only one that I trust on anything and this is big! We’ll be fucked without you.” Michael was pleading with her. There was a desperate look in his eyes and damn, did she nearly gave into it but she needed to show them her ground and she needed to show how true his words were. They would be fucked without her. It was petty but she didn’t give a damn at the moment.

Yanking her arm out of his hand, she looked him straight into his true blue eyes and said, “Good.”

As she walked out the door, all that was left behind was Trevor yelling “I don’t wanna hear you begging for money from us, you hear!? You don’t get any of the damn cut! You don’t deserve shit!”

.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Sandra found herself staring at the ceiling once more as the anger still coursed through her body. This was complete bullshit. The feeling of being left out was just that. A feeling. Then being the last to know of some news that would change her life only made her feel even more distant from them than before. What happened? What suddenly changed their dynamic from sticking together like the family they were to not even speaking to each other like the way they use to, she didn’t know.

The sudden ring from her phone startled her. Rolling her eyes at her jumpy self, she picked it up and answered the call. “Yeah?”

“Hey…” Great. It was this smooth talking bastard calling. Probably to try and convince me into this job.

“What?” Sandra said with her attitude giving a hint about how she was feeling.

“I just called to...I just wanna know if you’re alright. After everything, especially what Trevor said, I just needed to know if you were alright.” That wasn’t what she was expecting.

Taking her anger down a notch she sighed and responded. “Um, yeah. I mean, I’ll be alright. I’m a little pissed but I’ll get over it.” Closing her eyes, Sandra tried to waver off the remainder of her anger so as to continue having a calm conversation with Michael.

“You got every right to be. Look, I wanted to call and say I’m sorry for being an asshole. I should’ve told ya what I was planning and I’m sorry about the shit Trevor said. You know how he can get.”

“Yeah, I know. I wasn’t expecting anything different from him.” She rubbed her forehead as she thought back about earlier in the night. She hated it. Hated how bad it got. “But he’s right. I shouldn’t be such a bitch and back off from what we got planned. It’s our last job and I can-”

“No, don’t worry about what Trevor said. Don’t let him guilt you into doing anything you don’t wanna do.”

“And what do you want me to do?”

“...To be honest, I really want you to be apart of this. It is our last. But we’ve always gone with our gut feelings. Mine’s telling me we can do this, yours is tellin’ you we can’t. It’s better if we went with how we feel. No hesitation.” That thought only made her want to laugh. The last time she went with how she felt things began to feel different between the two of them and when they finally fixed what was bothering them, it only left her a bit hurt.

“I’m sorry Mikey. I just...I can’t shake off this bad feeling I got. We always went with what Lester says and it always saves our skins but I get why you’re doing this. Just be safe.”

“Hey! Don’t worry about nothin’! We got this covered. And forget about what T said. I’ll slip you a couple grand under your door when we get back.” Michael said in a confident yet hushed tone. Probably didn’t want Amanda to overhear him.

“You always spoil me, you know that?” She chuckled. It always felt like playing house with those two. When one said no, the other said yes.

“Anything for you, Sandy.” She could only imagine him winking at her as he said that, like the smooth bastard he is. With their moment of laughing, Sandra’s ears perked at the faint sound of someone calling his name in the background. Of course. Typical. “I gotta go, Sandy. Just wait till I’m knockin’ on your front door. You’d wish you came along.”

“Anything you say, M.” She sarcastically laughed. “Prove me wrong.” and there, she hung up and stared at the ceiling once more but this time with a small smile on her face.

[leelee10898]

Fast cars & Freedom: Cant help falling in love (8/?) Part 2.

Here it is.. part 2 of chapter 8... is that really Logans mom? How does Ellies dad react to the news she is married to Colt??? You can catch up HERE. And as always, if you want to be added to the tags, drop me a line.

Pairing: Logan x Ellie, Colt x Ellie

Rating: Mature

Song inspiration:

“Riya! Damnit.” Ellie gasped, Riya instantly cupping her mouth. Ellie Stood making her way over to her father.

Colt stood behind Logan,  schock written all over his face at the series of events. Riya just announced to everyone that He and Ellie were married. Her father being an ex cop, was probably about to kill him, sure he had a gun or two, or three laying around. And did Logan just say Mom?

Logan stood there, completely stunned, baked beans covering his shoes.  Was he imagining things? Because the woman standing there next to Ellie's dad looked an awful lot like his mother.  He remembered seeing her when the foster parents would bring him to the jail to visit. That all changed when he got sent to live with a shitty set and he ran away, never looking back.

“Logan? Logan is that you?” Sally spoke, tears in her eyes.

Frank looked between the two, dumbfounded. Of all the women in the world he would fall for, he had to pick the one who was possibly the father of his grandchild, and an ex criminal. His eyes darted past Logan and locked right onto Colt, who stood frozen in place. “You!” He seethed, Pointing a finger at him. “Oh shit.” Colt quickly placed the pan he was holding down on the table and took off into the house.

“Oh no you dont, get back here.” Frank took off running after him, coleslaw dripping from his pants. “Dad, wait.” Ellie followed the two into the house. “Dad, just wait. You don't understand.” He froze in place “what don't I understand? How you ended up married to him,” He pointed to Colt who stood at the door. “Because that I don't understand.  How did this happen? When did this happen?”

“6 years ago. In vegas.” Her dad's eyes went wide. “iIt was the night before, well everything went down with the brotherhood.” Her dad slumped down on the couch, the feelings of that time crashing down on him. “She asked for an annulment Mr Martin. This isn't Ellies fault, I didn't file it. If you want to blame anyone, blame me, not her.” Colt stepped forward, his eyes locked on hers.

Her dad let out a long sigh “Well, at least if He's Lucas father, you'll be married.” Ellie closed her eyes “I'm filing for divorce.” Her dads face reddened. “Colt,  why don't you go outside and help out. I need a word with my daughter.” Colt hesitated, waiting for her command. She was his queen, she would always be his queen no matter what, and he would do anything she asked of him, but he wouldn't willingly divorce her. “Go ahead colt.”  He nodded walking back out to the back yard, leaving Ellie and her dad to have a serious discussion.

Logan blinked, stunned. “What. How did you.” He couldn't form the words.  

“Logan, I have been looking for you ever since i got out of jail.” Colt stopped immediately, backing up a pace to hear what was going on. “Oh really? And when was that? Because it seems you haven't done a great job of it.” Logan stood arms folded.  “well, there wasn't much of a trail to follow, you stayed pretty well hidden. The last bit of information I got you were in California, so I came out here.” Logan stared at her, still in Shock that his mother was there. “Can we talk? Please Logan, you have no idea how long I have been waiting to see you.” Logan nodded and the two walked off alone.  

Colt looked over to where toby and Luca were sitting at the kiddie pool, he walked over “Hey squirt, why the long face?”  “Is grampy mad at you?” she sniffled. “No, he's not mad at me sweetie. Everything is ok.” he assured her. “Hey Colt, um aunt Riya said you and mommy are married. Does that mean you're my daddy?”

"Eliana Renne Martin, what the hell do you mean you're filing for divorce?" Frank shouted. "Dad, calm down." "I thought you would be more mad at the fact Ive been married for 6 years and didn't tell you."

"Dont rock the boat Ellie. What is your reasoning for divorcing? Our family does not divorce, trust me it would have been easier to divorce your mother when she got bad, but I didnt did I?"

"No. You didnt. I just, dad we were 18 and 19, we were young and uncertain if we would be in jail or dead." Her father shutteres at the memory.

"I cant talk to you about this. I think youre makimg a huge mistake, but youre my daughter and I love you. Just please, please think about it."

Colt stood there in Shock,  not sure how to handle or answer it. He was relieved when he seen Ellie come out of the house, luckily she was headed right for them. “What's going on?” She noticed the uncertain look on Colts face. “Someone heard the announcement, and has a question.” Ellie looked down at her daughter “Mommy, if you're married to Colt, does that mean he's my daddy?” Her eyes went wide, she looked between the two,she had no idea how to answer without generating a lot more questions. “Well, sweetie i'm not sure. But how about, how about you go to see what grampy is doing ok?” Luca nodded and walked away, they look on her face told her this wasn't the last she would hear about it.

“Im sorry el, She just came out of nowhere. I didn't know what to say.” Colt ran his hand over his face. “Its ok. I didn't either. Lets just hope we get these results back soon. So we know for sure.”  Ellie looked over at Logan sitting by himself, a beer in hand. “I should probably go check in on him.” Colt nodded as she walked away.

“Mind some company?” He looked up, and patted the seat next to him. “So. I guess you heard my mom is dating your dad.” he snorted.

“I heard something like that. How crazy is that?” he let out a half hearted laugh. “But seriously, how are you handling it?”

“I don't know. I'm kind of excited to finally have my mom around. On the other hand, i'm scared.”

Logan told her how his mom was in a car with his dad and a friend. She had been dating him for a little while and they stopped at a bank, his dad apparently robbed it and she was locked up as an accessory. When she got out finally Logan had ran away from foster care and hid himself pretty well. “I guess It's nice to not be alone anymore.” Ellie grabbed his hand “hey, you're not alone. All these people here, the crew, me, Luca. We're you family. You haven't been alone because wherever you go, were with u. Right here.” She placed her hand on his heart. “Thanks Ellie. The same goes for me. I'll always be there for you, no matter what.” He kissed her cheek, and walked over to where Mona and Ximena were standing.

Ellie sat there watching her dad and Sally talk, for a few minutes before hugging and kissing. She turned her head, not wanting to see that. She wondered if her dad knew about Sallys past. She seemed like a very nice woman, and she had not seen her dad so happy. Not in a long time, not since before her mother died. She learned years ago not to judge a book by its cover, so she would give her the benefit of the doubt. If she hurt Logan, she would hunt her down and handle her, herself.  

The day went on, the drama of day seemed to fade away, and everyone ate and were enjoying themselves.  They had a corn hole tournament going on in one corner. Toby lounged in Lucas swimming pool, buzzed and sunburnt, but happy as hell. Logan and Mona were on one team, while Ximena and Darius were on another. Stacie, and Sally sat around watching them.

Colt relaxed in a lounge chair, Luca asleep in his arms, her head resting on his shoulder. “You're seriously holding her while she sleeps?” Colt chuckled “well Logan was holding her,  he passed her off to me when it was his turn in Corn hole. She just, fell asleep.” Ellie shook her head. “Suns starting to set, we should probably wake her soon so we can head over to the field and see the fireworks.”  “yeah, my arms dead, so sounds good to me.”

“Luca honey, time to wake up.” Ellie stroked her hair. She started to stir a bit. “He squirt, it's almost time for fireworks. Get up.” Lucas eyes fluttered open. “Can I have some ice cream?” she spoke with a yawn. “Yup. Come on, I'll take you.” Colt stood shaking the sleep from his arm as they disappeared into the house.

Riya slid up next to her. “Watching those two fawn all over Luca has got to be the sexiest thing I've ever seen.” Ellie's mouth flew open. “Ri, you're married and have a son.”

“I know. But seriously, I'm not even sure why you want to divorce Colt. He's clearly still in love with you. Unless.”

“Unless what?”

“Unless you want to be with Logan instead.” Riya waggled her eyes at her.

“I don't know what I want. It's just the right thing to do, divorcing colt. We were so young.”

She rolled her eyes “Whatever you say Ellie.”

“Are you Drunk Riya? And where is Marcus?”

“Mayyyybeeeee.” She giggled. “Dare set the pack n play up in the house, hes sleeping mom sheesh.” Ellie playfully pushed Riyas arm.

They headed out to the field to watch the fireworks display. Toby playing music to go with the show. “Uncle Logie, dance with me.” Luca stood up yanking on his shirt. “Oh sweetie, Stacie asked me to dance first.” Luca puffed out her bottom lip “Ok.” she turned to walk away “Lulu wait. Of course I'll dance with you. Stacie said its ok.” Luca beamed as Logan spun her around. Countless awes coming from the women watching. “Logan is such a good dancer.” Ellie sighed as she watch him float across the black top with her daughter.  

Colt cocked his brow. “Hey. I remember us having some pretty good moves.”

“Of course we did. Are you. Are you Jealous Colt?” she eyed him suspiciously.

“Dance with me Ellie.” she smirked taking his hand. “Oh I guess For old times sakes.”  the song changed as Colt pulled her closer. “You remember this song?”

“How could I forget it.”

Her mind went back to that night in Vegas.

*****

Ellie stood in the empty room, her shaking hands flattened the front of the short white dress she picked up at chapel boutique. Under better circumstances she would have had her father there to give her away, Riya as her maid of honor. She would have spent months picking out her flowers, the dress, the colors, food. But this right here, was what she wanted to do in the moment. Not knowing what the next day would hold. Would she be in jail, dead? She wanted to experience getting married,  she loved Colt, and Colt Loved her. A knock came at the door. “You ready sugar?” An older lady dressed in a tight patent leather dress asked her as she handed her a bouquet.

Ellie nodded as she stepped out of the room. A soft melody began to play as she stepped onto the aisle runner, her eyes locking with Colts.

His breath hitched in his throat at the sight of her. He looked handsome wearing a black suit, he fidgeted with his fingers, anxious to take her hands in his. She stood before him, as they joined hands. “Ellie, you are breathtaking.” his voice cracked with emotion,  making her tear up. “You look so handsome Colt.”

They turned towards the officiant, dressed head to toe like Elvis. “Dearly Beloved. Uh huh. We are gathered here today to join these two hearts together.” They tried to stifle their laughter, quickly composing themselves. “Do you Colton Take Eliana to be your wife?” Colt slid the ring on her finger “I do.”

“And do you Eliana take Colton to be your Husband?” She slid the ring onto his finger “I do.”

“By the state of Nevada and the King, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride. Uh huh.” He shifted his hips in true Elvis fashion. As Colt took her in his arms, their lips meeting in a sensual, sweet kiss.

They shared a first dance, in the chapel. Colt pulling her close to him.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you.

“You know. I think the king was onto something with this song.” Colt smirked. “Oh? And what's that Mr Kaneko?”

“I couldn't help falling in love with you, Mrs Kaneko.”

*****

“I wish you would reconsider the divorce El.” Colts words pulling her from the memory.

Take my hand, take my whole life too. But I can't help, falling in love with you.

“Colt. It's just the right thing to do.”

“the right thing for who? Because I still Love you Ellie. Can you honestly say you don't still Love me?” She stared at him for a moment,  stunned. “I… I…” A loud boom went off above them, Luca came running up “Mommy. Mommy. Its starting.” She grabbed her hand “come on Colt, sit with us.” Her free hand grabbing his.

The next morning Ellie drove into town, she entered the building and stood in line. Her mind swirling from the night before, the dance with Colt, watching Logan dance with Luca. She was so confused, so lost. “Next.” She heard the woman call out. She walked up the desk

“How can I help you?”

She took a deep breath. “I need to file for divorce.”

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