#like another 10 or 20 years after all the shit goes down. after the 'Betrayal' wouldnt turn him into anything anyway

[thedeviljudges]

yohan + physical tough + trauma response

disclaimer: this is based off of eps 1-7, and preview of ep 8; i wholeheartedly recognize that this post may become the worst meta ever depending on how the rest of the show goes. however, i do think there are still some interesting things to note about yohan. a lot of this is also me just talking shit out as i was sifting through all the eps again. i’m more than willing to change my mind or hear other thoughts.

also i kinda, sorta, unnecessarily included all of the moments of yohan and any physicality. a lot of them are not super important, but i do think they help draw a distinction in how he reactions when surprised, alone and around other people.

so, here’s a long ass post that is literally 99% me bullshitting, lmao.

so i wanted to delve more into yohan’s response to physical touch by way of trauma. while i know a lot of us have pieced it together, i think it’s pretty cool to lay it all out visually because i think there’s much more justification for his reactions; not to say it makes it right, but it does really flesh out a fundamental part of his characterization that i think is highly, highly important to understand.

yohan lives on the cusp for reckless behavior, almost as if he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. the car chase, running through industrial buildings where safety isn’t a concern, etc.

episode one

the first time we see an instance of his disinterest in physical touch is when he first meets gaon. he actually offers him his hand, but the way he goes about it isn’t a handshake. he almost looks hesitant, and then he squeezes and does not shake. it’s truly a split second gesture out of formalities. granted, he’s just met someone he thinks looks like isaac, and might be in a little bit of… not shock, but certainly distracted.

later in the episode, yohan is in an abandoned building with homeless people. he’s checking people’s wrist, but he’s quick about leaving them alone. until, a homeless man comes up behind him and grabs him. in response, yohan swings his arm to knock him off. then, he punches him, steps on him and decides whether he’s worth the effort. again, granted, no one likes to be surprised in a creepy situation like this, so his response? kinda understandable at this point.

next is the scene where yohan catches gaon in his office, where he pushes him against the bookshelf and kinda, more or less, comes off as a bit luring. we know yohan knows gaon’s lying, but a couple of things here. yohan initiated the physical contact, and he did it because of the suspicious nature of gaon. yohan also knows how to use his power and charms to catch people off guard, and i think really, he was messing with gaon when he brushed his shirt and asked him if he lived alone. gay as fuck, lmao, but i also see it as an intimidation tactic, in a way.

i could also pose a couple of theories aside from intimidation if we wanted to squint:

yohan is still in a state of awe of gaon’s resemblance to isaac. he’s not heard his voice or been around the other man for at least 10 years, and now there’s tangibility at his fingertips.

if we want to look at it from the gay perspective, gaon is clearly intriguing to yohan, and as i’ll note further down in this post about yohan in relation to physical touch, i’m sure it could be assumed that this is one of the first people in a long time that yohan has an interest in making a connection with. however, because of his upbringing, it’s clear he does’t necessarily know how to connect with people (ie. ep 7 trying to connect with elijah, eps 1-6 with him trying to non-verbally tell gaon that he has bigger plans than what’s in front of his face. his admission in ep 5 about being monster). more or less, he knows his charms can be used, but when it comes to actually flirting and/or liking someone? it’s left to be addressed, but could be assumed he’s just as awkward about it as when we see him at home.

we also see a small instance of him letting someone dress him. there’s still touch involved, but it’s very clear what the intention is. he has control over the situation, and it’s not a surprise.

the next time he engages in physical touche, again, he initiates it because he’s in control, and it’s meant to be comforting, to an extent.

and then to round everything off, we actually see him reaching for isaac, who is actually gaon in the court scene, but you know storytelling and all that. he reaches for him both in the courtroom and within a flashback.

him reaching out for isaac seems to be a motif within the show as it happens later on, of which i’ll point out.

episode two

we see him initiate a handshake again. at first, to gaon, and then with jinjoo. controlled situation.

later on in the episode is when we see our first glimpses of batshit crazy yohan, an absolute delight and fav, lmao. he actually reaches out to the spoiled kid, and it’s clearly to legitimize intimidation and a position of power.

okay look, i’m not even gonna front, this was a cute scene. when jinjoo gets out of the car, he checks to make sure she’s okay, and they have this moment before they go onto the red carpet where they smile at each other. yohan is confirming she’s okay, and she agrees. again, controlled, and i don’t know for certain if yohan is more comfortable around women, or it’s just mere fact that he doesn’t always have a problem with touch when the situation is safe. he actually lets her take his arm further on in the scene, and yes, it is a public display of niceties, and he knows that.

so in the midst of this happening, we get the ‘devil child’ story. and i want to make note of the bird scene because i do think it’s important to note that people yohan cares for, he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect them. yes, they’re children in school, but the girl next to him is the only one who showed him an ounce of kindness, and yohan is proven to remain loyal to those he loves or trusts in some capacity.

of course, he ends up pitting the rich and the poor kids against one another for their betrayal and making him an outcast. in yohan’s mind, what he did wasn’t necessarily wrong because his sense of justice is based on protection and when people wrong him or those he loves, it’s seeking justice on their behalf or making the situation better - not in the technically right way, but right to him. yohan comes across as a fixer and problem solver.

yohan has a very, very strong sense of trust and loyalty, and we can assume that stems from isaac, who clearly tried to protect yohan from his father, who went out of his way to do so as best as he could as a young kid. yohan values loyalty not because he necessarily wants lap dogs and people to do his bidding. it comes from a place of love and security he’s never really had.

anyway, back to the gala with jinjoo, he does shake the minister’s hand. again, controlled. there are cameras. he also puts his arm around her, and that’s mainly because it’s a battle of the wills, and she’s trying to reprimand him, lol, as if she could. he hugs her a little hard and a little enthusiastically, and you can clearly tell it’s for show.

and then he dances with both jinjoo and sunah. and there is a stark difference between these two scenes. yohan actually teaches jinjoo the proper placement for where she should rest her hands and how to move. he’s actually having a good time with her, and again, it’s actually really cute.

with sunah, he’s reluctant and definitely on guard. he can tell from her demeanor that her intent is with purpose trying to get close to him. at this point in the story, he probably sees it as sunah coming onto him and not because she’s actually the maid from when they were children. when sunah reaches up to whisper in his ear, you can really tell he doesn’t like her being that close to him at all especially because her words may not be overly threatening, but there is purpose behind them, which means yohan’s guards are up. he physically removes her hand and than blatantly turns her down: she tells him that enjoying things alone isn’t fun, and he counters it by saying he’s having a lot of fun.

so at this point to reduce on some screen caps, he meets the minister’s family, has handshakes with her husband and the kid he went after to essentially beat up his car with a mallet, lmao. the handshake is quite funny because they both know what happened. yohan is in control, and that kid is shaking in his boots.

then the explosion happens, and of course, it makes sense that yohan helps gaon after he’s hurt. gaon has never been a threat to yohan, and it’s clear yohan’s not heartless whatsoever, but it’s also poignant to note that gaon helped saved yohan’s life, thus starting yohan’s journey of loyalty to gaon. i think he’s always had his sight set on gaon to begin with, possibly long before he even became an associate judge, but if this was a test, gaon passed it with flying colors because if gaon can rescue a little girl, and he can help an old man who fell off his bike, would he really go the lengths to save yohan who has shown him time and time again his sense of justice is different?

episode three

yohan reacts negatively to soohyun and within good reason when she questions where gaon is. he turns away because for him, the conversation is over, but for her, it’s not. to get his attention, she grabs him when he’s not paying attention, and of course he has a very adverse reaction. at this point, it can be chalked up to disrespect given the fact that he’s a head judge and she’s just a mere cop, but hindsight is 20/20. he does throw her arm off by flicking out his arm. but instead of berating her, he just tells her to catch the culprits who harmed gaon and leaves it at that.

and then of course, everyone’s favorite scene and rightfully so. yohan caring for gaon? very sexy of him. gaon is injured, poses no threat, and as i said above about yohan finding some amount of loyalty in gaon means his physical boundaries aren’t jeopardized. and for that, we get these wonderful scenes of yohan helping gaon as he heals.

and then scenes of him messing around with gaon by hitting him. truth be told, i wonder if this was something him and isaac did as young kids. anyone with siblings know how that goes. fake picking on each other? fake bickering? yeah.

and then it slowly, but surely, it’s revealed that yohan didn’t have the same upbringing as isaac did. our first instance that something at home wasn’t right wasn’t just the conversation with ms. ji and gaon. it’s the flashback with yohan reading in his room when the door opens. he hastily pretends he’s asleep, and you can see he’s visibly shaking and breathing roughly until he realizes it’s isaac who’s there to give him books.

and that’s also when we get our first glance of what kind of abuse yohan suffered from at the hands of his father. it’s clear this isn’t the only incident, and there’s been many times that isaac wasn’t around to help defend him.

it’s also very clear in how yohan acts when he’s terrified and that his abuse has gone on long enough to be a routine pattern in the house. any time he hears heavy footsteps or thinks his father is around, he visibly shakes and gets panicky.

episode four

i include this scene because it’s been noted that a lot of books yohan reads are about humans, human nature, animals, animalistic tendencies, and he says random shit like this that directly points to what he thinks about humanity and humans themselves. we notice this most prominently at the dinner with gaon and jinjoo earlier on when he describes that he likes the feel of the chew and that he cannot taste. he always mentions hunting and prey, and i think this is one of those very clear instances where he actually reveals to gaon what he truly, truly thinks; no gimmicks. this also comes into play later on in ep 6 when elijah is worried about him being out all night. yohan clearly doesn’t trust people at all. he understands their intentions, their motives and how much pain they can cause other people for their own profit and their own gain. it makes sense that he wouldn’t leave his house, especially if he has a strong sense of loyalty to isaac (even after all these years) and caring for elijah.

this is also one of the very direct moments that yohan doesn’t understand family dynamics. when it comes to people, it’s a giant chess game. not only that, later on in the episode when they’re in the car and yohan talks about how people, no matter what, are always the same in front of greed, yohan is cynical, and he expects the bad every single time.

what he reads and the way he words things (here and the discussion of him being a monster, for example) is clearly an indication that he doesn’t trust; that he cannot trust, nor does he want to at this point. yohan doesn’t understand the concept of kindness being given freely (ep 7 when he berates elijah for being used by gaon, telling her she falls for kindness every time). and yet, later on in eps, it’s clear when he’s around the right people and the right mindset (uh, gaon?? lol), he’s constantly putting up a front.

after all in ep 7 when he tells gaon that confidence is key, it literally gives him away not just in the courtroom but in his personal life. there’s a reason he looks softer at home than when he’s not there (the hairstyle changes and clothing).

basically what i’m getting at is this behavior can be seen as a defense mechanism because of his abuse.

then it’s another gala event with gaon and yohan this time. another lovely favorite where yohan helps him get dressed and then proceeds to drag him around and safe him from the lion’s den.

tbh i dont even need to include these, but i’m doing it for the indulgence.

yohan does sorta physically throw gaon as well during the rich people party, but that’s mainly to get him to shut up because he’s trying to show gaon the truth at hand and how all of it’s pretty much a farce.

later on in the episode is when we first have gaon truly attacking yohan verbally, and that’s when yohan snaps. it’s clear that isaac is a trigger for yohan, especially from someone who speaks out of line on something they know nothing about. gaon, truth be told, had a stupid moment confronting yohan the way he did. i don’t know who waltzes up to a proposed murderer and just asks them, lmao.

but here’s the thing, thus far, gaon has not entirely posed a threat to yohan. whether that’s from yohan planting gaon and guiding him exactly where he wants him or gaon just not being as thorough as yohan would like, and he’s trying to tap into that talent, is anyone’s guess. but as i said above, the one thing yohan protects is the things he does care about the most, and he tries to talk himself out of his own feelings. he constantly compares himself to an animal (again, dinner scene with gaon and jinjoo) to justify his actions, and to possibly not feel anything; because that’s easier, isn’t it? not feeling. so on top of gaon calling him a monster and a killer, confronted with the possibility about being a villain in his own brother’s story, obviously sets him off. he beats down his emotions until he’s confronted with it - and this is what gaon also meant in ep 6 about how it’s ridiculous that yohan calls himself a monster over a victim because yohan can’t even see himself in that light. not because he truly believes victims are weak necessarily, but i wonder how much he realizes that what happened to him wasn’t his fault.

to me, and as i just said, yohan convinces himself he’s a monster to make it easier for himself to belief his actions (ep 5 telling gaon some humans are born monsters in relation to himself). it’s not that he inherently thinks he’s wrong, but i think his guidance for what’s right and wrong was misconstrued without a parent figure in his life, especially if he’d read crime and law books as the focus. yohan’s actions, at least quite a bit of them are, are based on a gut feeling of right and wrong. when you think about it and your own sense of justice, how would that differ without the checks and balances in place? what punishment do you think fits the crime if we weren’t bound by written law? yohan thinks any action to protect those he loves is, more or less, justifiable because it’s a means to an end. it’s making a worng right again.

i don’t think yohan is a monster. i think his feelings, and what he knows is love, is misconstrued in terms of how to express it. we see this in episode 7 with his and elijah’s conversation where she’s just trying to be a teen, but his version of love is protecting her without, once again, understanding family dynamics and the pain points of growing up, the learning she has to do on her own. yohan might technically be right; similar to being book-smart but not necessarily street smart. his theory of telling Elijah that she’s soft for kindness and being used was true, but his delivery and the idea that that’s how humans develop doesn’t work. he’s telling her text-book rules, but people don’t live through books. they live through real life. yohan reads to get a sense of fulfillment and to learn. he’s learned his way into adulthood, but that’s not normal.

so uh anyway, back to this familiar scene:

because we don’t know the actual story of isaac’s death, it’s hard to say what role yohan played in his death, but i don’t know that i believe he was the one who did it. the entirety of the devil judge is relying on unreliable narration, so it’s difficult to gauge (for now since we’re on ep 7) how this will turn out and what happened, but to me, it really comes across as yohan upset over the insinuation that he could be the one to cause the death of the one person he loved the most. plus, i think it says a lot that he cares/loves elijah, and she was part of isaac. gaon crossed a thine line. yohan essentially welcomed him in, and this is gaon toeing it. we can also look at this is not gaon being an outsider to their family, but now has become part of the family, and so it’s easier for yohan to be ‘abusive,’ if you will, rather than the perspective of gaon still on the sidelines and pushing too far. by this i mean, the accusations made by gaon threatens their formulating family dynamics.

and once again, the only person he ever actually reaches out for is isaac.

and then we have the aftermath of yohan’s nightmare, where he’s still caught in the dream as gaon comes in, and refuses to be touched after, even if gaon’s intention is to see if he’s okay. yohan makes it very clear to gaon not to touch him, and that’s when elijah comes in with a very accusatory ‘what are you two doing?’ in this moment, yohan is not just vulnerable, but he’s emotionally sensitive. i’ve no doubt he’s still dealing with a form of sensory overload from his dream.

and then, i don’t know that this was necessary? was it necessary?

the following set of scenes are the ones where gaon tells him he’s a victim and he hasn’t confronted his own emotions about his abuse. i think yohan realizes gaon is right to some degree, but it is convoluted, and it’s not so simple to face your own traumas. however, he does for a moment after gaon leaves, remember another instance of abuse he couldn’t stop but wishes he could, wishing a parental figure of sorts would’ve come in to save him like his older self is trying to save the kid version if only he could turn back time, if only he had the power to do what he wish someone else had done for him.

and then the kidnapping scene is just. fucked up in and of itself. it actually makes my skin crawl. not because sunah is scary necessarily, but the lack of autonomy yohan has - especially when we find out later more of sunah’s story. to do something like this after what she’s suffered through makes this scene even more disturbing.

you can see the moment yohan hears heels when sunah (not knowing it’s her yet) comes in. literally the minute he knows someone’s headed his way, he checks the fuck out. his whole face goes slack, especially when sunah reveals herself. and when she’s kissing him? blank as fuck, too. it’s the most dead-eyed stare i think we’ve seen from him.

episode six

so, we get this gem from elijah that i’d like to touch on later. it’s more speculation and just me running through ideas more than it is canon fact. but what it does let us know is that yohan doesn’t seek people out. he prefers to be at home and staying there.

after we get the maid story, and we do get yohan touching sunah’s cheek, and in some fucked up twisted way, this is his way of protecting one of the things isaac cherishes the most. the point of the gesture isn’t just intimidation but serves as an act of intent, of protection in the only way yohan knows how. he’s safeguarding isaac. you can tell he doesn’t actually like sunah at all as a kid, but uses that to his advantage. imagine yohan learning violence for ‘good’ things when his father used violence for ‘bad’ things. what a twisted way of looking at it? and the irony at hand.

additionally, the main reason i’ve included so many varying scenes of yohan touching people isn’t to establish that he’s okay with being touched given how many scenes there are of him randomly shaking people’s hand or touching them. it’s all about context and what the intent is for. most often than not, really way more often than not, yohan only reaches out for people when it’s socially acceptable to do so and because it’s manners. and yet, even in some of those cases, there is still intent behind the gesture.

the moments he acts out the most are when he’s not in front of an audience, when he’s more likely to be alone with his thoughts and is exceptionally more vulnerable to his own triggers.

and i think the scene after he’s back at his house from the kidnapping is noteworthy because it doesn’t just feel like he’s shaking off the effects of the drugs he was given. he seems to visibly trying to compose himself of the mental and physical play he just had to deal with.

the next scene is yohan angry with gaon for taking elijah out. which really, he does have every right to be angry, and one thing i didn’t note above during the ‘you killed your brother’ choke out scene before is that when yohan is backed into any kind of corner, he reacts like a caged animal.

because we’ve already established the scenes with his abuse, his father took his anger physically out on yohan. so how else was yohan supposed have developed the tools to express it? it’s easy to hurt the things you love the most; it’s easy to abuse the ones you know, and between gaon and himself, they both have an unhealthy dynamic because gaon is old enough, strong enough to take whatever yohan gives him. gaon is not family and so there’s still that clear divide and a distinction as to why he lays a hand on gaon but not elijah, for example. gaon can still pose a threat. elijah is family. then again, it can also be said that maybe yohan considers gaon family, and gaon betrayed elijah and therefore yohan, and you don’t do that. not with yohan’s understanding of family dynamics.

but with that said, it begs the question why yohan keeps gaon around, and i think some of that has to do with the fact that gaon surprises yohan. he might’ve set his sights on him long before he became an associate judge or maybe he took interest after gaon was chosen for the role (this is still up in the air), but deep down, yohan sees something in gaon despite his snooping, despite his righteousness. it could be the potential; it could be the fact that gaon could be better than yohan if he just allowed himself to loosen the ropes he’s tied himself with when it comes to the court of law and the justice system.

but here’s the thing that idk a lot of people have really picked up on. gaon is one side of the same coin underneath it all. he’s also provoked yohan with physicality when yohan brought up details about soohyun.

to be fair, we can say that yohan evokes a different type of anger in gaon, one that he hasn’t tapped into for years that allows him to open up to that more physical side of himself he learned to put behind him. gaon doesn’t really come across as the physically threatening type, but yohan does push his buttons and vice versa.

but then, of course, we have the big fight scene where gaon goes in on the attack, and that’s when yohan makes his threat not to attack him ever again. it’d be easy to say he says it based on the merit of him not actually attacking soohyun, but seriously speaking, the intent feels much more than that. more along the lines of asking gaon not to provoke him without warning again because next time might be bad. most of their other fights, especially the one above,have been in the midst of conversation. this time, it’s from a place of complete surprise, and you can tell yohan goes on the defensive when his first instinct is to not just throw gaon back but raise his fist to strike.

episode seven

the only physical contact yohan has with anyone is the president, and that’s when he turns on the live video of the two of them, and it’s clearly intended to be a lowkey threat. he keeps pulling the president back into his side to be on the live camera after the dude tried to come after yohan. i do think it’s hilarious that yohan manipulated the situation with a live component just as the president and the rest of the rich people thought they could turn a live court show into manipulating the public.

and then, of course, the jail scene. the part where he makes gaon stay. he also touches gaon’s shoulder later just before they leave.

episode eight

the most prominent scene in this ep is certainly the scene where sunah comes onto yohan, and you can tell she did it to get under his skin in some way. of course, he’s smart and knows she’s up to something, but i think it’s so interesting how he wraps his fists around hers, almost as if to tame her and prevent her from trying to further put her hands on him.

we also know yohan has no issue with using physical force regardless of who it is (obviously, his dialogue in this scene, too) when he feels caged or trapped. his intention is also to retrieve isaac’s necklace, and i like how he uses literally anything to his advantage. meaning, he’ll use physical touch, his mentality, etc to get what he wants or needs, even if it is marginally uncomfortable to some degree.

and i think that also says alot about him is that he’s able to displace what makes him uncomfortable in moments like this to achieve an end goal.

additional thoughts

i know this isn’t really common with a lot of the characters in general, and could be chalked up to a cultural component, but yohan’s definitely not a hugger.

the other thing i wanted to note is yohan’s seemingly adherence to touch unless it’s for good reason in relation to sex. the main reason i bring it up is because i’ve seen it discussed a bit, especially in regard to elijah’s comment about him not staying out overnight since the fire. there are a few plausible scenarios, maybe more, but for the sake of this, we’ll go for these.

yohan has had past relationships/experience or will in future episodes

day flings

he’s never had an interest in anyone before given his upbringing and abuse and therefore never sought out sex

inexperience could be from lack of interest in other people and sex itself

he’s never found anyone to really connect with and trust in such a way and has avoided it for that reason

and i bring this up mainly because i think it could be something to explore in fanon, but also because i’m kind of annoyed with how people have been talking about yohan being a virgin. i’m not quite sure what the joke is, but lack of sexual experience does not mean naive or that he doesn’t have a sense of humor when that’s clearly far from the truth:

i don’t know that people find it unbelievable because of his age, because of characterization of yohan being more dominant, but none of these things negate this being an option. i think it’s perfectly plausible of a situation (from what we know right now), and truthfully, it would make a whole lot of sense. i just don’t get the jokes about it that i’ve been seeing online (twitter) when there isn’t a mutual exclusiveness to any of it whatsoever.

yohan already has a hard time connecting with people, and i can imagine that level of physicality could be difficult. clearly he knows how to use a version of it to get what he wants. i’ve no doubt he’s used his charms in situations where he’s needed to. yohan knows he has that going for him, at the very least. but sexual appeal and jokes doesn’t mean having a body count any more than it could indicate there being one.

lastly, i also want to pull these paragraphs from @b612sunsets​‘s post because i think they do a much better job than i ever could of explaining, short and sweet, a fundamental part of yohan’s characterization, and mainly what i was trying to get at with this long ass post.

“There's two things we already know about Yohan from the last 6 episodes: he hates being touched when he doesn't see it coming and doesn't have control over it because of the abuse he suffered (I assume). To name a few: Soohyun grabbing his elbow to stop him from leaving and get answers about Gaon, the beggar that touched him while he searched for the fireman, Gaon after punching him and Yohan clearly telling him to NEVER do it again. The impression it gave to us is that if there's a next time he might not be able to stop his instinctive reaction of defending himself and using violence back (something worse than choking or pushing Gaon and he doesn't want to do that with him).

“Unless it's a friendly/small/slow touch like in the breakfast scene when Gaon touches his arm when he gets up to offer them some fruits. When he had the nightmare with Isaac, his walls were up high so even if he could see Gaon's touch coming and it was friendly, he decided to stop it because he was too defensive and sensible to accept the gesture (it would be the first time Gaon started physical contact with him too, he wouldn't be ready for that in such a state).

“The second thing is that Yohan hates when people take what is his or mess with what is important to him. Again, to name a few: Sunah with the necklace when she was a maid, the fireman with Isaac's watch (Yohan made them fall from high places, not caring if they died or not), the guy that fabricated the small bombs that hurt Gaon (Yohan would have burnt his face if "K" hadn't stopped him) and Gaon taking Elijah out of the house to Soohyun without previous notice (a cop and someone he doesn't trust).”

yohan has a very, very large sense of self-preservation for himself and for those he cares about. it’s in his intention, actions, facial expressions, movements, the way he interacts with people. i find it fascinating how calculating he can be, but at home, he’s at his most vulnerable and almost socially unaware and awkward.

yohan is a bit of an irony. he understands people from an action-oriented, instinctual level, but he doesn’t necessarily understand their thoughts and emotions in the waves of nuances that people live through on the daily. like, he gets it to an extent and on a practical level, but he himself is a square trying to fit into a circle - he doesn’t always understand it for himself and has to actively work on social cues so as not to come across as the devil child he was once painted to be.

and let it not be unsaid, yohan really will go to the ends of the earth for family, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone.

and so anyway, i doubt this offered any real insight, but i think this is my way of breaking all of this down for myself. so, tada!!! lmao

[lochtayboatsong]

The Jesus Christ Superstar essay absolutely no one asked for.

Last weekend, I watched the pro-shot of the 2012 arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar starring Ben Forster, Tim Minchin, and Melanie C, because it was Easter and it was up on YT for the weekend.  I never managed to do my annual listen-through of Leonard Bernstein’s Mass this year, as is my usual Easter tradition, so I figured “Why not watch/listen to this instead?”  It was my first time seeing and hearing JCS in full, and Y’ALL, it has been living rent-free in my brain ever since.  I have a mighty need to get my thoughts out, so here they are, in chronological order by song.  

1) Prologue: I love the way JCS 2012 makes use of the arena video screen.  The production design and concept clearly took a lot of inspiration from the “Occupy ______” movement, which makes it feel a bit dated now.  But every single production of JCS is a product of its time period, so this is a feature and not a bug.  

2) Heaven On Their Minds: This is a straight-up rock song.  It wouldn’t be out of place on any rock and roll album released between 1970 and 2021, and it boggles my mind that Webber and Rice were both in their early twenties when they wrote it.  Also, the lyric “You’ve begun to matter more than the things you say” hits hard no matter the year.

3) What’s the Buzz: A+ use of the arena screens again, this time bringing in social media to set the tone.  Also, this song establishes right from the outset that Jesus is burnt out and T I R E D by this point in the story.  Seriously, can we just let this man have a nap?

4) Strange Thing Mystifying: Judas publicly calls out Mary and Jesus claps back.  Folx, get you a partner who will defend your honor the way Jesus defends MM in this scene.  Also Jesus loses his shoes and is mostly barefoot for the remainder of the show.

5) Everything’s Alright: Okay, this is one of the songs I have A LOT to say about.  First, it’s important to know that I was a church musician throughout all of my adolescence and into my early adulthood.  The pianist at the services I usually played at was a top-notch jazz pianist, and also my piano teacher for about six years while I as in high school and undergrad.  (Incidentally, I had a HUGE crush on his son, who was/is a jazz saxophonist and clarinetist and also played in the church band, but that’s a story for another day.)  One of the hymns we played a few times a year was called “Sing of the Lord’s Goodness,” which is notable for being in 5/4 time.  Whenever this hymn was on the schedule, it was usually the recessional, or the last song played as the clergy processed out and the congregation got ready to leave, so we were able to have some fun with it.  After a couple verses the piano player and his son would usually morph it into “Take Five,” a famous jazz standard by Dave Brubeck which is also in 5/4 time.  Anyway, the first time I listened to this song in full, it got to Judas’s line “People who are hungry, people who are starving,” and I sat bolt upright and went “HOLY SHIT THIS IS ‘SING OF THE LORD’S GOODNESS/TAKE FIVE.’”  And I was ricocheted back in time to being fourteen and trying to keep up with this father/son duo in a cavernous Catholic church while simultaneously making heart-eyes at the son.  Final note: This is the only song in the musical to feature all three leads (Jesus, Judas, and Mary Magdalene) and is mostly Jesus and MM being soft with each other in between bouts of Jesus and Judas snarling at one another.

6) This Jesus Must Die: I LOVE that all the villains in this production are in tailored suits.  LOVE IT.  Also, Caiaphas and Annas are a comedy duo akin to “the thin guy and the fat guy,” except in this case it’s “the low basso profundo and the high tenor.”  Excellent use of the arena video screen again, this time as CCTV.

7) Hosanna: My background as a church musician strikes back again.  It honestly took me two or three listens to catch it, but then I had another moment of sitting bolt upright and going “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A PSALM.”  Psalms sung in church usually take the form of call-and-response, with a cantor singing the verses and the congregation joining in for the chorus.  If I close my eyes during this song, I have no trouble imagining Jesus as a church cantor singing the verses and then bringing the congregation in for the “Ho-sanna, Hey-sanna” chorus. 

8) Simon Zealotes: This is part “Gloria In Excelsis” and part over-the-top Gospel song.  Honestly it’s not my favorite, but it marks an important mood change in the show.  The end of “Hosanna” is probably Jesus at his happiest in the entire show, and then Simon comes in and sours the mood by trying to tip the triumphant moment into a violent one.  Jesus is not truly happy again from this moment on.

9) Poor Jerusalem: Also not my fave.  It kinda reads like Webber and Rice realized that Jesus didn’t have a solo aria in Act I, so they came up with this.  But it has the distinction of containing the lyric, “To conquer death you only have to die,” which is the biggest overarching theme of the story.

10) Pilate’s Dream: Pontius Pilate might be the most underrated role in this entire show, and I love that this production has him singing this song while being dressed in judge’s robes.  

11) The Temple: The first half of this is one of the campiest numbers in Act I, at least in this production, and it’s awesome.  The second half is one of the saddest, as Jesus tries to heal the sick but finds there are too many of them.  Also the whole scene is almost entirely in 7/8 time, which I think is just cool.

12) I Don’t Know How To Love Him: Mary Magdalene’s big aria, and one of the songs I knew prior to seeing the full-length show.  This production has MM taking off her heavy lipstick and eye makeup onstage, mid-song, which is kind of cool.  Melanie C says in a BTS interview that MM’s makeup is her armor, so this is a Big Symbolic Moment.

13) Damned For All Time: The scene transition into this song is played entirely in pantomime, and I love it.  The solo guitarist gets to be onstage for a bit, A+ use of the video screen again to show Judas on CCTV, etc.  Love it.  And then this song is Judas frantically rationalizing what he’s doing, and what he’s about to do, with Caiphas and Annas just reacting with raised eyebrows and knowing looks.

14) Blood Money: This is where the tone of the show really takes a turn for the dark.  I think this might be one of Tim Minchin’s finest moments as Judas, because his facial expressions and microexpressions throughout this scene speak absolute volumes.  And the offstage chorus quietly singing “Well done Judas” as he picks up the money is a positively chilling way to end Act I.

15) The Last Supper: Act II begins with major “Drink With Me” vibes.  (Except JCS came WAY before Les Miz, so it’s probably more accurate to say that “Drink With Me” has major “The Last Supper” vibes.)  Jesus and Judas have their knock-down, drag-out fight, and it’s honestly heartbreaking, thanks again to Tim Minchin’s facial expressions.  A well-done production of JCS will really convey that Jesus and Judas were once closer than brothers, even though their relationship is at breaking point when Act I begins.

16) Gethsemane: This is Jesus’s major showpiece and one of my faves.  Jesus knows he has less than 24 hours to live, he knows he’s going to suffer, and worst of all, he doesn’t know whether it’s going to be worth it.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster to watch and to perform, and it goes on for ages: something like 6 or 7 minutes.  Fun fact: the famous G5 is not written in the score.  Ian Gillan, who played Jesus on the original concept album, just sang it that way, so most subsequent Jesuses have also done it that way.  Lindsay Ellis has a great supercut of this on YT.  John Legend notably sang the line as written during the 2018 concert.  

17) The Arrest: Judas’s Betrayer’s Kiss is played differently across different productions.  The 2012 version is pretty tame - I’ve seen clips and gifs of other productions, including the 2000 direct-to-video version, where they kiss fully on the mouth and have to be dragged apart by the guards and it is THE MOST TENDER THING.  Then the 7/8 riff from “The Temple” comes back and the 2012 version lets the video screen do its thing again as Jesus is swarmed by reporters.

18) Peter’s Denial: Not much to say about this one, as it’s basically a scene transition.  But it’s a significant moment in the Passion story, so I’m glad they included it.

19) Pilate and Christ: The 2012 production continues with the theme of Caiaphas, Annas, and Pilate all being bougie af, since Pilate intentionally looks like he just came from tennis practice during this scene.  Also he does pilates...hehehe.

20) King Herod’s Song: Tim Minchin says in a BTS interview that JCS works best when Jesus and Judas are played seriously and the rest of the production is allowed to be completely camp and wild and bizarre all around them, and he is bloody well CORRECT about that.  Case in point: King Herod.  There is not a single production of JCS that I know of where Herod is played “straight.”  He’s been played by everyone from Alice Cooper to Jack Black, and everyone puts a different zany spin on him.  In JCS 2012 he’s a chat show host in a red crushed velvet suit, who is clearly having the time of his LIFE. 

21) Could We Start Again Please: This is another of my faves.  Just a quiet moment where MM, Peter, and the disciples try to grapple with the fact that Jesus is arrested and things are going very, very badly.  This is also my favorite Melanie C moment of the 2012 show.  Her grief is very real, and the little moment she has with Peter at the end is very real.

22) Death of Judas: This is basically Tim Minchin screaming for about five minutes, and incredibly harrowing to watch on first viewing.  

23) Trial Before Pilate: Possibly my single favorite scene in the entire 2012 production.  This is another harrowing watch, but there’s so much to take in.  The “set” that the entire show takes place on is essentially just a massive staircase, and the people with power are almost always positioned above the people without power.  In this scene, the crowd shouting “Crucify Him!” is positioned above Pilate, which is a very telling clue to Pilate’s psychology during this scene.  Jesus is at the very bottom of the stairs, of course.  Excellent use of the video screen once again during the 39 Lashes, to show the lash marks building and building until the entire screen is a wash of red.  Pilate’s counting also gets more and more frantic, especially starting around “20.”  And all the while the guitar riff from “Heaven On Their Minds” is playing.  Jesus’s line “Everything is fixed and you can’t change it” is played quite differently in different productions - here it’s defiant, but elsewhere (in JCS 2000 for example) it’s almost tender, like Jesus is absolving Pilate for his part in the trial.  But it always ends the same - with Pilate almost screaming as he passes the sentence and “washes his hands” of the whole sorry business. 

24) Superstar: The most over-the-top number in the show.  Judas, who died two scenes ago, comes back to sing this.  There are soul singers.  There are girls in skimpy angel costumes.  The parkour guys from the prologue are back.  Judas pulls a tambourine out of hammerspace midway through the song.  And Jesus is silently screaming and crying as he gets hoisted onto a lighting beam while all this is going on.

25) The Crucifixion: More of a spoken-word piece than a song, it’s Jesus’s final words on the cross over eerie piano music, and another harrowing watch.

26) John 19:41: An instrumental piece in which Jesus is taken from the cross and carried, at last, to the top of the stairs, before being lowered out of sight as the video screen turns into a memorial wall and everything fades to black.

So.  I know I’m anywhere from three to fifty-one years late to this particular party, but I am on the JCS bandwagon now and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself.  :)

[azirafels]

black sails moodboard: davy jones AU: davy jones!silver

That was the duty he was charged with. To ferry those who die at sea to the other side. And every ten years he could come ashore to be with he who loves him truly. But the man had become a monster.

[jckelly]

updated intro / jack 101

Is that JACK KELLY? Wow, they do look a lot like VAN MCCANN. I hear HE is an NINETEEN year old FRESHMEN who are studying AEROSPACE ENGINEERING  at Luxor University. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be PHILOPHOBIC and INSINCERE, but on the bright side they can also be WITTY and IMAGINATIVE. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. [YUNI, 21, GMT, SHE/HER]

 the other two got updated intros n rat man felt left out

basics

full name: jackson noel kelly 

nicknames: jack (does not answer to jackson)

date of birth: december 25, 2001

zodiac: capricorn sun, leo ascendant, sagittarius moon

nationality: dual uk and us citizenship

sexual orientation: straight but will try anything once

course: aerospace engineering

appearance

faceclaim: van mccann 

voiceclaim: van mccann

ethnicity: white (english, irish)

height: 5′8 / 173cm

weight: 58kg / 127lbs

eye colour: blue

hair colour: brown

distinctive features: freckles (many), left ear pierced, scars on his wrists usually covered by long sleeves, northern english accent

clothing preferences: jack prefers to only wear black, or at a push grey, although he’s slowly improving and will Occasionally mix it up with ... navy. his style is pretty basic, usually just a sweater, jeans, and beat up black converse or doc martens depending on how emo he’s feeling. the sheffield united hoodie makes an appearance every time someone forgets precisely which uk city jack is from. 

personality

overview

positive traits: witty, imaginative, perseverant, passionate

negative traits: philophobic, disloyal, insincere, callous

mbti: entp

religious beliefs: atheist

description

the first side most people see of jack is the side he wants you to see. a total asshole. it’s not an exaggeration - he’s pretty much infamous for flirting with everyone, dating anyone and as a serial cheater. he’ll actively try to worm his way into your life, and then just when you start to care, he does something to hurt you. he’s strangely persistent, probably helping him to push people even further, until they snap. there is nothing which satisfies him more than managing to wind people up to the extreme, get them to the point where they give up. adopted parents, friends, nobody is immune to this side - he even tries it on the people he genuinely cares about, as if just to see if he’ll still be able to push them away.

the second side, which most people don’t see, is that at heart jack is a kid. he’s the type of person to ask if owls have ears at 3am, or get some childlike joy out of dumb jokes. of course, this is the side nobody but a very small number of people see. and even if you do see it, it never lasts long. he keeps his true personality under wraps even amongst those he does like, and it only slips out if he’s extremely comfortable with you. otherwise, he’ll go straight back to being a sarcastic, flirty piece of shit.

biography

jackson noel kelly was born in hell on ironically christmas day to his father satan......

jk

jack and his older half brother finn were born in sheffield, united kingdom, to a single mother. a drug addict, she was notorious among social workers for neglecting her children and as a result jack shuffled between foster homes and his mother’s home during his first ten years of life, with finn, less than four years older than him, being his primary carer even when he was back with his birth family. this cycle finally ended when jack was ten and he was permanently removed from his mother’s care, and placed in the first of a series of foster homes which didn’t last particularly long.

the thing was, jack’s remarkably good at pushing people away when he wants to, and as he got older his talents only increased. running away, wreaking havoc, insulting anyone who tried to get close and anything else he could possibly think of meant that for three years he lasted no longer than eight months in any one place. in fact, he frequently took himself back to live with his birth family until social services came to drag him out again. this lifestyle continued until he was fostered by his now adopted parents, claire and george, at thirteen.

much to jack’s dismay, no matter of hell raising would push these newest set of parents away. in fact, they seemed absolutely set on raising him as Their Son, even as his attempts to get them off his back got more and more extravagant. they removed him from his previous school, transferred him to a fancy private school, put him in therapy and tried their best to help him get through all of the issues developed through his slightly fucked up childhood.

the thing was, jack loves his mother. he still refuses to see her as being in the wrong, no matter what people tell him or what he himself recalls, in his mind he has one mother and that’s his birth mother. so he did not take kindly to attempts by his foster parents to become his “new” family, because in jack’s mind? he already had a family. and even though they were actively encouraging him to continue contact with his brother, he couldn’t help but see them as trying to replace his birth family.

jack’s fifteenth year pretty much became the year when all of these issues finally came to a head. he was adopted legally by his foster parents, who had now been fostering him for two years - which should have been a happy occasion, but for jack represented the final loss, the final betrayal to his birth mother and brother. then shortly after his fifteenth birthday his brother went to prison at eighteen for grievous bodily harm, having glassed another boy after an argument.

of course, it would later be revealed that in actuality the assault had been committed by jack. and that finn was simply covering for him. (they looked alike enough that questions were not raised, it had happened so fast.) but in the eyes of jack’s adopted parents, finn was now a dangerous offender and jack had to be protected from him. so he was then isolated from his brother, his mother had relapsed and his continuous guilt over being adopted played on his mind, culminating in a suicide attempt in march 2017. 

of course, he wasn’t successful, but this was the final straw in the minds of his adopted parents. they felt jack needed a fresh start, away from the people who had defined his life prior to that point. so by his sixteenth birthday, jack had been moved to the united states to be near the family of his adopted mother, and subsequently enrolled in luxor academy. 

where he continued to be a menace :))

although it did appear, for some time, that jack was showing signs of improvement. sure, he was still wreaking havoc at luxor. but at home, he had calmed, even showing signs of affection to his adopted family. until his mother overdosed suddenly and died when jack was eighteen and things started to immediately go straight downhill again.

he can’t help but blame himself, for allowing himself to be moved. for the move being his fault, if he’s being honest. and if the honesty continues, jack’s got a whole lot of other stuff to blame on himself. (see: ruining his brother’s life.) so now he’s just taking shit out on everyone to try and make them a fraction as miserable as him. 

npc connections

birth fam

finn kelly / fc: jake bugg / b. may 10 1998 / taurus sun, gemini ascendant, pisces moon

finley, who also refuses to use his full name, is jack’s older brother - same mother, different father.  jack thinks he’s boring because he doesn’t raise hell with every opportunity. finn calls this “being a sane person.” went to prison for jack and regrets it. pastimes include crying over murakami books and trying to look shocked when jack tells him about the newest crisis he’s having. 

lauren kelly / fc: elena tonra / b. february 20 1983 - d. april 1 2020 / pisces sun, aries ascendant, leo moon

jack’s birth mother, who was still a teenager when he and finn were born. she was an on again, off again drug addict and had jack removed from her care when he was ten due to continued neglect. instilled in him a love for oasis and a hefty number of mental health issues. looked pretty much exactly like jack. 

jordan taylor / fc: alex turner / b. october 12 1984 / libra sun, leo ascendant, virgo moon

jack’s birth father, who he knows little about. not for lack of trying on his father’s part, who was prevented from seeing jack as a child by his birth mother and blocked from trying to make contact by jack’s refusal to interact. he keeps trying to message jack and jack is running out of daddy issues memes to respond with. finn thinks jack should give him a chance to redeem himself. jack thinks finn should fuck off. 

adopted fam

claire fielding / fc: julia roberts / b. may 12 1964 / taurus sun, cancer ascendant, leo moon

jack’s adopted mother. loves him very much and is convinced he is a sweet boy who just needs love and help. has written a memoir about adopting jack. jack is mad at her constantly. when he is not mad at her, he is embarrassed by her existence. honestly deserves better.

george fielding / fc: timothy olyphant / b. november 6, 1963 / scorpio sun, capricorn ascendant, virgo moon

is proud of jack, but very deep down underneath a strong layer of calling jack out on his bullshit. has some loud ass shouting matches with jack. also really wishes jack would sort his hair out and maybe not look like a cheap liam gallagher. jack honestly just winds him up constantly and he knows jack is doing it but goddamnit it’s so hard to not be mad at the little rat. 

other

maisie adeyemi / fc: yewande biala / b. january 6, 1997 / capricorn sun, sagittarius ascendant, aries moon

finn’s fiancee. her goal in life is to try to get jack to ruin finn’s life at least 70% less often. she has yet to achieve this goal. her love language is setting finn’s phone to silent when he goes to bed to stop jack from phoning in with some sort of random crisis at four in the morning because the little shit forgot timezones exist. finn will never find out. maisie is grateful that men have no brains. 

[solar-pxwered]

A List Of Norman Reedus Movies/Shows I Have Seen And My Opinions On Them

1. The Boondock Saints

The Best. A classic. Bloody and inappropriate and if I remember my count correctly, contains 194 “fucks” or variations of it (this movie certainly illustrates the diversity of the word). Terrible Irish accents. A KICKASS soundtrack. Willem DeFoe crossdressing. Dropping toilets on people’s heads. Over the top action sequences. Cheesy dialogue. Campy as fuck. I freakin’ love it.

2. The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day

Some people didn’t like this one as much as the first one, and I admit that I wasn’t as fond of the new detective in this one as I was of Smecker...but, overall, I really enjoyed it and I drove 2 hours to see it in theaters. I love Romeo more than Rocco. The humor was on point. It was nice to see the original actors for Doc, Dolly, Duffy and Greenley. There was more terrible Irish accents, another KICKASS soundtrack, cheesy dialogue, over the top action sequences, still campy as fuck. I freaking love it.

3. The Walking Dead

Cannot even describe how much I love this show. I have ALWAYS loved zombie related shows and movies so this show was right up my alley from the very beginning all the way back in 2010. I watched it religiously every Sunday. I adore this roller coaster ride of a show and I especially adore Daryl, Carol and Jerry. This show has it all: Comedy, drama (hella lots of that), tragedy and triumph...and it never fails to pulls me in and hold my interest.

4. Mimic

Honestly, I saw this a LONG time ago and I hated it because...well, because I have a cockroach phobia, ok?! Don’t judge. Norman’s part was pretty small, not one of his lasting impressions on me.

5. Six Ways To Sunday

This is a weird one. It’s about an overly innocent 18 year (played by Norman) who gets involved in the Mob and develops an alter ego that’s violent and his complete opposite. There’s murder, prostitutes and good ol’ fashioned mother-son incest and it wasn’t a movie I suggest for the lighthearted or anyone with those sort of triggers. 

That being said, I watched the whole thing and didn’t hate it. It was just uncomfortable...as seems to be a theme with Norman Reedus movies.

6. Dark Harbor

This fucking movie...

Ok, so, I’ll be straight with you: I really enjoyed this dumbass movie. It had me guessing right up to the very end and it took me on a very strange ride along the way. 

If watching someone sexually feed a woman a poisonous mushroom, lots of dark eyed staring scenes or Norman Reedus making out with Alan Rickman is your thing, then go for it. 

7. Let the Devil Wear Black

It’s modern Hamlet. What else is there to say? If you like Hamlet, you’ll like this movie. If you like pre-car accident, baby face Reedus with the black hair, you’ll like this movie. I liked it.

8. 8MM

You know what the best thing about this movie is? Nicholas Cage. He steals the damn show no matter what movie he’s in and no one can even deny that fact. Norman’s part in this one is pretty small too but I liked this movie anyway because...well, Nick Cage. Enough said.

9. Bad Seed

I honestly can’t remember how this movie ends, all I remember was that it wasn’t at all how I expected it. I liked this movie because it’s a psychological thriller and that’s my most favorite genre of all time. The movie’s premise is a guy suspects his wife of having an affair and comes home one night and finds her murdered so he goes after her lover (Reedus) to try and kill him because he believes he was the one who killed her. It’s a cat and mouse chase sort of thing...now I need to rewatch it because I can’t, for the life of me, remember how it ends.

10. Gossip

Ok, no JOKE, this is the best movie I ever randomly discovered and I can’t believe how many people have never heard of it! It’s got some big names in it (Lena Headey, Norman Reedus, James Marsden and Kate Hudson to name a few).

It’s a psychological thriller/mystery drama in which three friends start a rumor at their school as a social experiment for their class. The rumor grows, however, and suddenly it’s out of their hands and spiraling out of control. People start getting hurt, reputations get dragged through the mud and then it escalates to the point of someone losing their life. The three main characters {Reedus, Headey and Marsden) try to figure out the truth behind the out of control rumors and discover more than they ever imagined, or ever wanted.

I HIGHLY recommend this movie. I really, REALLY do. The ending is one of the best twists I’ve seen in a LONG time.

11. The Beatnicks

This movie is so weird. It’s like...it’s just really weird. It revolves around two beat poets who find a magic box that somehow magically helps them get good at being poets but it’s like...an evil box and so they decide to only use it once and then get rid of it. Yeah, it’s a weird movie. Not my highest suggestion.

12. Blade II

Ok, if you’ve never seen the Blade Trilogy then I just don’t even know what to tell you. 

My favorite of the three movies, Blade 2 gives us the glorious Reedus character of Scud, the pot smoking, horrible-shirt-wearing, mechanical genius and Blade’s sidekick. Not only is he precious and adorable, the movie in all is enjoyable and has a fun rave-esque soundtrack. 

The one thing I hate? *SPOILER ALERT* Scud’s scummy betrayal.

13. Tough Luck

This is another one of those movies that I liked but it’s just so freaking weird. 

It’s a psychological drama where a down on his luck con artist, Archie (Reedus), tries to rip off a carnival worker and gets caught. As punishment, he’s hired to work at the carnival  to pay off the debt. He gets involved in a scheme to murder the owner’s wife, but falls in love with her in the process.

Things go to shit. He gets the short end of the stick. More plots and lies develop. It’s all twisted until the end and the answers fall into place.

I really like this movie, it’s one that I kept and still have my copy of. 

A word of warning though, never leave this movie on your movie shelf for your father to find and watch while you’re away at college, resulting in your mother calling you and asking you why you have such a nasty movie. Because the sex scene at the end is OUTRAGEOUS. I mean, it is the FUNNIEST fucking sex scene I have ever seen in my life and I can’t ever watch it without cringing and laughing. My mother, however, didn’t think it was funny at all and my father was too shocked to even form a sentence.

I highly suggest this trippy as hell movie.

14. Octane

Ok, to be fair, this movie is actually alright, although Norman’s character gets the shittiest death possible. I mean, imagine dying because some psycho vampire kisses you and bites your tongue out. That’s one shitty death.

But, overall, this is a good thriller. Johnathan Rhys Meyers plays the villain and he’s always pretty quality. The story is basically a teenager has a disagreement with her mom and gets picked up by this drugged up, blood sucking, vampire wannabe cult and indoctrinated joining them. Her mother joins up with a tow truck driver (Reedus) whose daughter was also kidnapped years ago and who has been hunting the cult down ever since. 

It was a cringe filled, yet interesting, movie and I didn’t hate it.

15. John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns

This is John Carpenter....OF COURSE I liked this one. 

I won’t say what it’s about because that would ruin the story, but it’s part of an anthology and John Carpenter loved Norman’s role so much he STILL talks about it today and suggests Norman to people in the industry.

It’s a good one if you’re into horror shorts or anthologies or the genius of the legend that is John Carpenter.

16. A Crime

I had completely forgotten about this movie until I started making this post, but now that I remember...I REALLY liked this one!!

This is a pretty sad one, but it was very good and Norman’s acting in it is absolutely wonderful. His character’s wife was murdered and the suspect was never found so his neighbor, who really likes him, creates a fake culprit so that he can finally get some closure. 

This is a good one. I suggest this one if you’re in the mood for a strange sort of romance movie that has underlying thriller tones.

17. Moscow Chill

I remember watching this one, and I remember enjoying it, but I honestly can’t remember anything about it except that it’s a Russian film in which Norman plays a computer hacker who gets hired to hack into a Russian bank and gets caught and put in prison. But I honestly can’t remember what happens in detail.

If you like foreign movies with hacking and subterfuge plots, then give it a try because I do remember enjoying it while I watched.

18. Red Canyon

This one is kinda fucked up. Imagine Daryl Dixon mixed with Breaking Bad mixed with Deliverance and you’ve pretty much got the story...

A brother and sister return to their mother’s hometown to settle things and put their horrible past behind them...but upon returning they end up reliving the nightmare all over again.

It’s a good thriller/horror watch, but there are scenes of sexual violence so if that’s not something you can handle, then don’t watch this one.

19. Hero Wanted

This. Is. A. GOOD. Movie.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is the lead and he does an AMAZING job. Gooding’s character is a garbage man who falls in love with a girl who never takes any notice of him. To get her attention, he stages a heist in which he is supposed to jump in, save the day, and win the girl...only the heist turns out to be real and he is shot and the girl is also shot in the process. He sets out for revenge and gets in way over his head.

Norman’s part in this isn’t very big...but HOLY SHIT, was it impactful. His character didn’t have a lot of screen time, in comparison to a lot of other people, but he had a solid backstory and reason for being involved and MY GOD did I cry about it. This was actually the first movie of his I watched AFTER discovering Boondock Saints and it solidified my love for his acting abilities.

A very good watch. Highly suggest.

20. Messengers 2: The Scarecrow

This one is pretty ok, actually, as far as lame horror movies go. 

The plot is simple: Blonde, beardy, corn farmer Norman gets slowly driven insane by the haunted scarecrow in his field that he thinks putting up is a good idea for some damn reason. He starts to get more and more violent and rapey as time goes on until his family is forced to take up arms against him.

It’s not bad. Second part in what I THINK is a trilogy? I’ve only ever seen the first two. If you like horror movies then this one is a good watch. As I mentioned though, there is an attempted rape scene in this one so just be aware.

21: Pandorum

It’s an alien movie. Astronauts run into a species that is stronger and hungry for tasty humans. Shepard (Norman’s character) doesn’t make it out alive. If you’re not in the mood to see Norman get LITERALLY gutted or other characters get nommed by aliens, then don’t watch.

If you ARE, then go ahead and watch, because it was pretty alright.

[ms-rampage]

Eden’s Gate: The Mother Chapter 13 - Are There God? It’s Me A Winchester

Warnings: Witchcraft?? Some Angst

Word count: 1.9k

Where it all began. 

Summary: Mandy and Dawana cast the spell to shield her from Chuck and work against the Project to take them down. 

Guest OCs: Dawn Floyd (FC: Anna Diop), Camille Floyd (FC: Tati Gabrielle)

Guest Characters: Raphael [Supernatural; female vessel]

Note: Sorry for the delay on the chapters, I'm working on other writing projects and dealing with work and class.

_______

“I wish to know about your past” Joseph tells Mandy, standing in the middle of his church. Cupping her cheeks, looking down at her. 

She takes a deep breath, looking up at him. “I-I’ve. I’ve killed people” she starts off, trying to keep herself from crying. “I’ve killed people. Innocent people. I wish to forget about it. Forget about it all, like it never happened”. 

He runs one of his hands through her hair, showing her comfort. While his other hand cups her cheek. 

“I’ve done bad things to people, I lost my girls because of it” she mutters, looking away from him. She’s not even acting anymore, this shit is all fucking legit, she’s hurting her own feelings just by telling him all of this. 

Reliving the painful memories she had to go through. Whether it was from 13 years ago, 20 years ago, or 7 and a half months ago, she’s feeling and hearing everything single word, and it still hurts her. No matter how strong she tries to be. 

Knowing she has to wait all of this out until the New Moon. She must be patient. Remembering that Raphael left something for her under her pillow, she goes to the room, her and Joseph share, and checks underneath her pillow. 

She finds her deceased husband’s journal. She smiles at it, unwraps the string that keeps it closed and opens it. Reading through it, Joel’s handwriting was always easy to read, it was neat, clean and he also had a very steady hand. Other than the monsters he hunted, he wrote about his life. 

His kids Paige and Katella, Mandy, his younger brother Brent, his childhood and upbringing. Trying to hold back her tears, a part of her wishes she could have her husband back. She knows he watches over her, and their daughters. 

1 month later. 

The New Moon is here, only 12 hours to go until 3 am. With the help of Dawana and her 14 year old daughter Camille. Mandy has everything for the spell. 

She had to keep a low profile from the Voodoo Priestess until the New Moon. Giving her instructions on where to meet her and the correct time to, and angle of the moon. That sort of stuff. 

The spell must be done as it should be, no screws up, can’t waste any time with this spell. Every second counts. They have their location ready, and all the supplies they need. 

Standing next to Joseph for his Sunday sermon, the church filled with his loyal followers. His Children, what he calls them. 

Listening to every word he says, thinking about the utter betrayal she is about to bring to the Project. Turning her back on them, stabbing them in back. 

Helping out the Resistance and the Whitetail Militia. 

With only 10 hours left, she keeps her low profile by being with Joseph for the rest of the day. 

Raphael appeared to her a few times that day to check up on her. Knowing that he’s risking a lot for his human, and a chance that’ll be cast out of Heaven for his disloyalty. Withdrawn from his wings and grace. Being deprived of his angelic powers, and living as a human on Earth. 

Being on the same boat as his older brother Lucifer. 

“You know I’m taking a huge unforgivable risk for you” he tells Mandy. Standing next to her while Joseph does his sermon in the filled church with his brothers and sister behind him.  

“I know” she responds to him in her mind. Looking over at the 3rd Archangel for a split second before turning back to The Father. 

“There’s a risk of me being cast out of Heaven for this disloyalty” he tells her, “God is too busy creating multiple universes and worlds to see this betrayal you, Dawana and myself are planning”. 

She knows all the risks, all God has to do is check on her situation, and see what she’s plotting. Then the next thing she knows there’s a huge mushroom cloud in the sky, and bombs are going off. Killing and wiping out all life on Earth. 

“I know, but a part of me feels like we’ll pull this off” she tells him in her mind, “We’ll get away with this, so called heist”. 

He looks at her with slight fear in his eyes, Archangels are Heaven’s most powerful weapon, they’re loyal soldiers to God. They’re his eldest children. Slightly more powerful than the average Angels, like Castiel, Balthazar, Samandriel, Anael and Gadreel. 

Raphael was always the introverted one of the Archangels, he kept to himself. He did his duties as one of Chuck’s strongest and powerful warriors. He always tried to be one of the loyal ones, like his older brother Michael. He wanted to be on his Father’s good side, the one thing he feared and that includes all Angels. Arch nor not, the one thing they all feared was being cast out of Heaven. Losing their wings and their grace. 

Leaving Heaven for a short time, like visiting Earth, and leaving Heaven completely are two different things. 

Within milliseconds he could go from being Heaven’s most powerful weapon to being an average weak human. Just by taking away his powers and wings. 

*****

After Joseph’s sermon, him and Mandy have a private conversation away from the others. 

“Amanda, I wish to speak with you privately” he tells her. She nods her head, and they go to their shared home. 

Inside the kitchen, he tells her about The Voice, in which she knows that it's Chuck talking to him.

“The Voice, God, he’s telling me about the New World. How everything will be. How you and I will be. He told me that the world is on the brink. That the world is on fire. Something is coming. I can feel it, you can feel it, can’t you?”. 

She nods, “Yes, I feel it. I feel the overwhelming tension it brings. Almost like an explosion of hot, burning air. That is toxic, but will make the world clean and free of sin”. 

He nods his head, agreeing with every word she says, “That is how it ends, with time, we will march to the Gates of Eden to our New World. The world God created for us”. 

Seeing how convinced and determined he is about the New World. Seeing how Chuck has convinced him about the Collapse. The End. The Reckoning. 

Telling him to save as many souls as he can for the Collapse, building bunkers to keep his people safe from the cleansing explosions. Being a modern day Noah, or Hell if you want to hear something that is older than Noah and the Ark. 

The Epic of Gilgamesh in Mesopotamian mythology, and history. Which is also 800-2,000 years older than the story of Noah and the Ark, where the story is basically the exact same thing, just different time periods, while one is based on facts with evidence, and the other is a fictional story from a book of stories. 

*****

With only 5 in half hours until 3am. Mandy gets another visit from Raphael in her home with Joseph. 

“Less than 6 hours Mandeline” he reminds her. She sighs, “I know. I’m just waiting it out”. 

“You know where to go?” he asks. She nods, “Yes, I know where to go. The land that is in the southern part of the Henbane River. It’s isolated from everything”. 

“Prosperity” he tells her, “It’s quiet and no one ever goes there”. 

She nods, “Does Dawana know where it is?”. 

“Yes, she knows where to go” he tells her, “She knows what time to get there. Just before the New Moon passes”. 

Mandy waits it out until 3am. It’s gonna be a long wait, most of the Cult, including Joseph didn’t sleep that night, he was busy working and writing sermons in the church. 

At around 1am, she told Joseph she was gonna go to sleep. An hour and 30 minutes later, Raphael visits her again. Teleporting the both of them to the south end part of the Henbane River. 

Prosperity, a ghost town that was abandoned by its owner so that he could take over his dead rival’s town Falls End in Holland Valley all out of spite. 

20 minutes until 3am, Dawana arrives with her daughter Camille who is a Voodoo Priestess in training. 

“We still have time to set up” Dawana tells Mandy, “This is my daughter Camille”. 

Mandy smiles at her, she’s probably the same age as her eldest daughter Paige. 

They set up their altar, making a circle of candles and lighting all of them. 

“Okay so we all take each other's hands and we say the verse together, in sync or else the spell won’t work” Dawana informs Mandy and her daughter.  

They all join hands, and wait for the New Moon to appear. Raphael stands away from them, watching them from 10 feet away. Hoping this will turn out the way Mandy said it would. As soon as the New Moon appears, as a white ring like shape in the sky, they all, at the same time, cite the verse in Enochian. Looking up at the New Moon. 

“Uranun Caripe Baglen Olgemeganza de-Noan Chiis Gosaa Zamicmage Oleol Ag-Sapah arphe, Oresa ethamz taa”. 

The wind starts to pick up, the candles stay in tack, not blowing out or in the direction of the wind. Still looking up at the moon. 

“Tabegisoroch, Zodinu, Ar zurah paremu. Zodimibe papnorge maninua zonac. Dodsih hoxmarch trian amonons pare Das Niis kures”. 

They finished the ritual, the night standing in complete silence for a brief moment. Standing inside the circle of candles, they ring of the New Moon shining down on them, making a perfect circle of moon light around their circle of lit candles.

“Is that it?” Mandy whispers, breaking the silence. Right after she asks that, a loud rumble is heard off in the distance, sounding like thunder, or the Horn of Gabriel. A lightning strike lights up the sky for a brief moment. 

“It worked” Camille whispers. Out of seemingly nowhere, a strong wind flies by, blowing out all the candles, leaving them in complete darkness.

“Raphael did it work?” Mandy asks the Archangel. 

“Yes, you are invisible to God now” he replies, answering her question.

He takes her back to Joseph's compound, before anyone could notice she was gone. 

Before he leaves, he tells her, “I’ll be sure to keep an eye on you from Heaven. Now that you’re invisible from God, you can work against the Project. Also Chuck won’t be able to see you. He’ll see another you”. 

She nods, “Yeah I believe you told me that already. He’ll see me doing my duties as The Mother”. 

The silence between the two, the sound of peggies talking outside on the compound property. 

“Get some rest, and do your bidding against the Project” he tells her, “I’ll check back on you within the next couple of days”. 

The sound of his wings fluttering, making a small breeze within the house, and he disappears. Leaving Mandy in the small kitchen of her home. 

[let-it-raines]

BotB prompt: After the last chapter, I’m definitely going to need a flashback to when Emma told Killian that she was pregnant. Please and thank you!!

@onceuponaprincessworld: After that prompt in botb I would love to see how Killian has to travel for work to promote a movie and Emma finds out that she is pregnant or already know it and how they deal with the distance in that plan. Thank you!

It’s funny because before I got your prompt @onceuponaprincessworld I already had this prompt written this way, so great minds must think alike😘

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30

-/-

When Emma wakes up, her neck aches, some of the muscles very obviously pulled, and tentatively, she stretches out a bit, lifting her head off of her pillow and reaching over to her left to feel the cold sheets next to her. It’s a habit, one that she isn’t really fond of, but she does it nearly every morning. It’s almost like she’s forgotten that Killian isn’t home, forgotten that he’s not going to be next to her when she wakes up in the mornings. For at least those first fifteen seconds of waking, the light coming back to her eyes, she thinks that she’s going to see the rise and fall of his chest, the soft smile that graces his lips when he sleeps, the long, dark lashes landing against his cheeks.

But he’s not there.

And she knows she’s being dramatic. She really does. Going into this relationship, she never quite knew what to expect, but once she was in, she was all in. And if being in meant having to be separated from her husband so that he could be happy with his career, she was fine with that. She is fine with that.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss Killian.

He’s her best friend, the person she trusts most in life, and he’s currently in Prague filming. Prague is decidedly not Santa Monica, and she wishes it was.

Two more weeks.

She can wait two more weeks until he’s home for a long, long time, and then she is not letting him out of her sight for, like, a month. She has work. He has obligations. They have friends and family. That’s never going to happen, but she can at least have him all to herself for a weekend. They deserve that.

For all the talking and video chatting they can do, there’s nothing quite like being able to feel the strength and warmth of his arms around her before she goes to bed or in the evenings when they’re cooking dinner and Killian tries to distract her by running his lips across her jaw and coaxing her out of making whatever it is that she’s making…as if she’s the one who makes dinner most often when that’s usually Killian.

So two more weeks.

They can do two more weeks.

After running her hand over the sheets and the comforter one more time, she rolls over to her nightstand to unplug her phone, turning the brightness down, and pressing her thumb down to open up her notifications.

Ruby: What was the nail polish that I let you borrow? I can’t remember the name, and Dorothy wants to use it.

Mary Margaret: Do you have any time off this month? I was thinking about the boys and I coming to visit?

David: lol.

She fires off responses to all of them except for David’s text, not having anything else to add to him laughing at a joke about detectives that she sent him last night while she was wide awake and he was fast asleep. Half of the people she talks to are in different time zones, and it can get the tiniest bit confusing.

Seriously. Killian is nine hours ahead of her.

Killian: Good morning, darling. I hope you slept well. I have a pretty normal filming schedule today, so I’ll call you before I go to bed, yeah? I love you.

Emma: I love you too. I hope you’re having a good day!

Turning some music on her phone and connecting it to the speakers installed throughout the house, she slowly climbs out of bed, her head a bit groggy this morning, and tries to make quick work of taking a shower. But she stays under the warm spray for much longer than she should, letting the water work out the aches in her shoulders and the still tense pinch in her neck. Damn, did she sleep on it wrong. Obviously her bed is not her friend lately, and that’s her favorite place in the world.

Talk about betrayal.

Eventually she turns the water off and gets out of the shower, moving the soft towel over her legs and her body before grabbing another one and wrapping her hair on top of her head. She has absolutely no idea where her robe is, probably in the laundry room somewhere, so she grabs Killian’s off of his hook and wraps it around her, tying it at the waist to combat some of the chill from the air conditioning blowing on full blast. She doesn’t even want to think about their power bill for this month, but honestly, it’s worth it for how warm it’s been this summer.

Seriously. It’s been miserably hot. She misses winter, which is something she never would have said living in Boston.

(She misses Boston too, but this move was the right decision. She doesn’t regret it.)

After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she grabs her phone and walks downstairs, opening the curtains and blinds as she goes to let in some natural light, the sound of the ocean coming through the open back doors that lead out to the deck. She’s not really feeling like eating, but she knows that she needs to. She’ll forget otherwise, and then when she goes to Liam and Elsa’s for dinner tonight, she’ll go through their entire pantry, which is much less acceptable to do than gorging out on her own food. But nothing seems good, the cereal and bagels unappealing, the eggs and anything she has to cook even more so, and the only thing that she will even consider is a grapefruit…which may or may not be rotting.

It’s fine. She’ll go grocery shopping tomorrow…and also pick up all of the clothes and glasses that she has scattered throughout the house. It’s not that messy, something she’s worked on since messes drive Killian crazy, but if she knows her husband at all, he’ll come home, take her to bed, and then wake up to go and clean the house. So obviously she needs to clean up a little bit more, maybe break out a duster.

Dusting is the worst.

This view of the beach, though, is the best.

She and Killian have found that most of their time since they moved back (well, since Killian moved back and she moved for the first time) has been spent out on the covered deck or in their bedroom with the doors leading out to the balcony wide open. The sound of the ocean is a background noise she always wants, so she turns off the music on her phone, the guitars fading from the speakers, and sits on the cushioned swing, slightly swaying back and forth while she sips on her water and watches the shoreline. Their neighbor has her dog running through the water, the golden retriever leaping into the air to catch its toy, and Emma wonders if they should get a pet. She’s not sure how that would work during the times when they’re both gone, but it’d probably be nice to have a dog or a cat around when it’s just her, at least so there’s more noise than the air conditioning and the televisions that she leaves on at night.

But then again, Killian is coming home soon and she’ll have no need to replace him with a cat.

Wait. That sounds weird. She’s not replacing him with a cat, though they probably have the same amount of hair.

Whatever. She’ll think about it and bring it up with Killian sometime soon.

Her phone dings next to her, and she looks down expecting a text back from Killian or Mary Margaret only to see a notification that makes her stop breathing.

Seriously. Her breath hitches, her stomach rolls, and her mind starts running a marathon when she hasn’t gotten the chance to even lace up her sneakers.

You haven’t tracked your period lately! Make sure to update all information so we can monitor your cycles as accurately as possible.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy freaking shit.

(Why did she just censor herself in the middle of a curse?)

While her heart decides to drop to her stomach and beat at what has to be an unhealthy amount of beats per minute, she clumsily attempts to unlock her phone, her thumb not being recognized so that she has to type in her wedding date for her screen to open up to her period tracker app. Her mind is so frazzled that nothing is really clear to her, not even the screen in front of her, and it’s because she’s trying to remember the last time she had her period. Her app says she hasn’t logged it since May, which means she didn’t do that in June or when her period was supposed to start two days ago.

And that’s fine. It really is. Two days is nothing. Two days is barely anything. And so what that she didn’t track anything last month. It’s an app. She forgot. Plus, she very well could have had her period last month without typing it into her phone. That’s possible. Not everything has to be logged into her phone to be real.

But did she have her period?

She honestly can’t remember. And it’s not like she can ask Killian. He hasn’t been here. He’s been thousands of miles away.

Shit.

Killian totally would have noticed, and he definitely can’t help her figure this out. Because she definitely can’t tell Killian that she’s trying to figure out if she missed her period…which means she’s trying to figure out if she’s –

Pregnant.

Well, there’s a word that she didn’t think she’d be thinking for a solid few months, maybe a year. Maybe even two.

Woah.

It’s not that they haven’t talked about it. They have. Killian is very big on talking things out even when she isn’t quite ready. They’ve talked about kids before, talked about the fact that they both want one, maybe two if the first one doesn’t kill them, but then back in March they’d been sitting in bed sharing a bag of chips while watching Stranger Things and Killian brought it up. It made sense. It really did. It’d been a gradually growing conversation, the lead up building, but when her face was stuffed with several salt and vinegar chips, she wasn’t really expecting to have to talk about the reality of what it would be like to have a baby and know that there’s the possibility of her having to raise the baby by herself if Killian is away. And then also how that can impact their future, impact their kid’s future. She knows that Killian wants to work less, or work closer to home more frequently, once they start their family, and that’s something they were talking about.

They were talking about trying when he got home.

It might be a little late for that.

Or early, really. She could be ahead of the game.

When in the world did she miss a pill?

Taking a deep breath, she tries to turn her mind off but can’t. She really is ahead of herself. She has no idea if she’s even pregnant yet, and she needs to take a test. But she most definitely does not want to take a test by herself, does not want to be sitting in the bathroom all alone when she finds out if her jeans aren’t about to fit in a few months (because that’s obviously the most important thing) and have no one know this secret but her, so she needs to shut this thought process down until Killian gets home.

Two weeks.

She can do two weeks.

By the time two o’clock rolls around, she’s spent the entire morning deep cleaning the house, deciding to take her worries and frustrations out on the things she needs to do, and she almost completely forgets that she could have an entire human being inside of her uterus.

(She’s a liar. She definitely doesn’t come anywhere near to forgetting.)

But then her phone rings, Killian’s face popping up on the screen from his contact, and she nearly vomits with nerves over the fact that she’s about to not tell him the reason she’s having a meltdown.

The vomiting thing is probably a sign, which is really a horrible symptom, and there should definitely be some kind of solution to that.

“Hello, beautiful,” Killian sighs, and she can practically feel his smile on the other end of the line, thousands of miles away in a hotel bed that’s not theirs. “How’s your Saturday?”

“It’s good.” That may be a lie. That may be the truth. She has no idea. “I slept in, cleaned a bit. I’m going to go to your brother’s for dinner later.”

“Emma Jones, you cleaned?” he gasps, and she rolls her eyes imagining him sitting shirtless in his room with his hand dramatically thrown over his heart. “Are you dying? Is there something you need to tell me?”

“No,” she blurts out, definitely too quickly before she scrambles to cover that up, “I just knew that if I didn’t clean now, I’d never have it up to your standards by the time you got home.”

“Love, all I care about when I get home is the fact that you’re going to be there.”

“Charmer.”

“Undoubtedly.”

“You’re definitely going to care about how clean the house is.”

“Eh.”

“Babe.”

“Love of my life.”

“Oh my God,” she groans, tossing the wipe she was cleaning the bookshelves with in the bin and walking toward the couch, falling back against the cushions and turning the phone on speaker before placing it on her chest, “you can’t just say things like that.”

“I can’t say the truth?”

“Not when you know you’re going to get me all flustered with it.”

“To be fair, love, you already seemed pretty flustered. You are cleaning, after all.”

“Hey, again. I clean.”

“Debatable.”

“KJ, I can change the locks on the house.”

“There’s always the windows. Hell, I’ll climb the damn balcony.”

She laughs despite herself and reaches down to tug at the robe she’s still wearing, pulling on the string before running her hand over her stomach, almost unconsciously. The words are on the tip of her tongue ready to be spilled, but she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know if she’s right, if the words are true, but the one thing that she does know is that if she tells Killian she thinks she’s pregnant now, he won’t stop worrying about her until his feet step inside of this house.

And there’s still the fact that she doesn’t want to take the test alone.

Pushing it all aside. That’s what she’s going to do.

“You’ll climb the balcony to get to me?” she asks instead, going along with the conversation.

“I’ll climb the balcony to get to my bed. If you happen to be in it, so be it.”

“There you go charming me again.”

“I try.”

She and Killian talk until his words are a little slurred, sleep calling him more than she is, so she tells him goodbye and that she loves him, chanting that two more weeks mantra to him before she, too, falls asleep, waking hours later with pillow marks on her face and her phone flashing five seventeen, a little under an hour until she’s supposed to be at Liam’s.

She hasn’t even put on underwear yet. That’s probably something she should do. They’re family, but there are some things that family does not need to see. Her vagina is one of those.

Her thoughts get weirder every day.

Thirty minutes later she’s dressed in a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt, her hair underneath a baseball hat, and letting herself into Elsa’s house after knocking on the door, which is really only a courtesy since Liam tends to barge into their house…still. After one too many times walking in on she and Killian, she really figured he’d learn to wait for them to answer the door.

“Hey,” Elsa calls over her shoulder when Emma walks into the kitchen, “how are you?”

“Um, good,” she mumbles, sitting down at a barstool and tapping her fingers against the countertop, wishing she had something to settle her stomach and all of the unease that she’s going through. Her mind will not calm down, and she really needs to calm down. “How are you?”

“Great. It’s so hot, isn’t it? Liam is outside on the playset with Aiden, and they’re both going to be drenched when they come in. But Aiden insisted, you know?”

“Yeah.”

She taps her fingers again, thinking about Aiden and Liam and the bond that they have. If she and Killian have a son, will they have a bond like Aiden and Liam? Would it even matter if it was a boy? Killian would have a bond with a daughter too. So would she. But there’s something so cute about watching Liam with Aiden even if Aiden is the spitting image of Elsa.

Genetics and all that.

How would that work for her kid?

Her hypothetical kid.

“Emma?”

“Uh huh?”

“You want to stop playing an entire piano concert on my counter and tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“There’s nothing,” she lies, her voice a squeak as she looks up at Elsa and smiles, hoping that it’s a normal smile. “I have nothing on my mind except for how good that pasta smells. And the bread. I love your garlic bread.”

Elsa raises a perfectly groomed brow and flicks her braid over her shoulder, leaning forward and propping her elbows up on the island. “Emma, you can talk to me. You know that, right? You’re kind of going through a lot right now, and you can’t pretend that you’re not. You stay with us too often for me to not know how hard Killian being away is for you.”

“I’m fine.”

Elsa nods her head up and down once, twice, three times before tilting it back to her cabinets. “Do you want something to drink? I bought this new wine that I – ”

“No, I’m good,” she blurts out, completely and totally ready to bury her face in this granite. “I’ve got to drive home, and I really don’t think I want anything to drink.”

“Mmm, okay. Do you want to go to lunch this week? I think there’s this really great sushi place downtown that just opened.”

“Sure. I lo – oh, um, can we get something other than sushi? I think I’m going to give up fish.”

“Why?”

“A new diet or whatever. I’ve gained a few pounds.”

Lie.

They’re all lies.

When did she turn into such a bad liar?

“Ah,” Elsa sighs, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, “I get it. I, too, gained weight when I was pregnant. Though, I don’t think it was when I was as early on as you. Maybe you’re having twins.”

Every word that she knows flees from her brain. Every single one. She’s not sure if it’s the thought of her having twins or if Elsa has caught her in her lies, but honestly, it’s mostly the fact that she was caught that quickly.

Damn.

Elsa really is some kind of magical being who can read she and Killian far too well. It’s creepy and wonderful and terrifying all at once.

And she could most definitely cry right now simply because she is feeling all kinds of overwhelmed.

Emma leans forward to rest her face in her hands on the countertop, the cool marble refreshing. “How did you know?” she mumbles into her skin. “I don’t even know for sure.”

“It was a guess, but the no to wine and no to sushi, two things that you love, were a pretty big clue. Plus, you’re acting like a strung-out maniac.” She feels Elsa’s hand on her back, and when she opens her eyes, she can see that she’s moved to the other side of the counter to sit on the barstool next to her. “Have you taken a test?”

“I just realized I’d missed my period today. And I may have missed last month’s too. But, like, I haven’t been nauseous or anything, so I didn’t think about it. I honestly figured it was stress related.”

Elsa nods her head up and down, a soft smile on her face as she continues to rub Emma’s back. “I have some tests upstairs – no, I am not pregnant, but I had a scare a few weeks ago and bought, like, every test in the CVS I went to. Why don’t you go take one, just so you have a bit more peace of mind about it? And then when Killian comes home, you’ll either have some really great news to share or you can tell him about the time that you peed on a stick in his brother’s house with absolutely no context.”

She huffs, unable to stop herself or the twisting feeling inside of her, before leaning over on the stool and hugging Elsa, wanting all of the comfort and support that she can get since the rest of her support system are scattered across the country.

And the world.

Elsa asks if Emma wants her to come with to take the test, but she says that it’s alright, that she’d kind of like to do this part alone if she can’t have Killian with her. Even opening the box is nerve-wracking, but the worst part is definitely the waiting two minutes to find out if she’s going to be a mom a little bit sooner than she was expecting.

The phrase what to expect when you’re expecting comes to mind, and she feels like that can’t even really encompass everything.

How in the world do people do this every day?

It’s like a mixture of excitement and terror, and the only other place she’s ever felt like this is a rollercoaster.

That’s actually a pretty good metaphor for having a baby.

And according to the positive sign on the test, she is having one.

Wow.

It’s a lot to take in, but over the next two weeks, she becomes more accustomed to the fact. It helps that she makes a doctor’s appointment, gets it confirmed, finds out that her due date is February fifteenth, and that she is definitely not having twins.

She’s been secretly worried about that ever since Elsa made the joke.

That would be…overwhelming.

Mostly, though, as much as she’s gotten used to the idea, gotten excited about the idea, all she’s wanted to do was share it with Killian. And she’s not about to tell him he’s going to be a dad without him being in the same place as her. This is too big of a thing for her not to be able to hug him afterwards.

But he’s in the taxi on the way to the house right now, and she could throw up out of excitement. And the morning sickness that finally hit her, but that’s not what she wants to think about right now.

She’s definitely wearing down a hole into their hardwood from all of her pacing.

Her phone dings with an alert that there’s movement at the gate to the house, and her stomach does this actual swooping thing that should not at all be possible. It very apparently is, though. And while she’s never been a woman to want to run into someone’s arms out of excitement, that’s changed ever since she met Killian. When they were dating and had been apart for awhile, getting to see his face, even if it was for a day, was the greatest day. Now that she’s living apart from her friends, when she gets to go to Boston to see them, she most definitely runs into Ruby’s arms to hug the living daylights out of her. The same with David and Mary Margaret and their kids. And now that Killian’s been gone for months, she pretty much feels like her legs are going to launch her over the fence instead of into his arms.

Who knew it was possible to miss someone this much?

She guesses she did.

Instead of waiting inside like a sane person, she tosses her phone down onto the couch, and quickly walks outside, not even bothering to put shoes on. Her throat closes for a moment when she sees him, her eyes trying to take him in and catalog all of the differences and similarities all at once as he unloads his bags from the back of the car.

“Hey, Jones,” she calls out, running down the steps as he turns around, his hair flipping with the movement.

“Emma,” he laughs, his smile practically taking up his entire face.

God, she missed that smile.

It’s all a blur as she runs forward, her body colliding with his as her arms wrap around his neck and his arms wrap around her shoulders, tugging her closer so that she’s fully pressed against him. He’s solid, just like always, and his heat overwhelms her as she smells the slightest bit of his cologne mixing in with that awful airplane smell that seems to happen whenever anyone so much as steps into an airport.

He’s home.

“I missed you, Swan,” he murmurs into her ear, rubbing his hand up and down her back as he starts trailing his lips along her jawline, electric sparks spreading across every nerve ending that she has, some of them probably twice.

“I missed you, KJ.” She pulls back to look at him, her hands moving up his neck to cup his cheeks, thumbs tracing over his scruff and his freckles and everything as she looks at the blue eyes that she loves so much but has only been able to see through a video screen. And then she presses up on her toes and kisses him, kisses him like a woman who hasn’t been able to kiss her husband in months, a woman starved of the love and compassion that she’s been without for far too long. It’s all like coming to that safe comfort of home, which is perfect since he’s back and everything is in its right place.

“Hey, man, I need you to get your bags so I can go,” the taxi driver calls out at them, the displeasure in his voice obvious, and she and Killian break apart with blush on both of their cheeks.

“Sorry about that,” Killian grumbles, very obviously not too sorry about it, before he turns around to grab his backpack out of the backseat, handing the driver some cash, and closing the trunk before he drives off. “I don’t think that man liked watching you make out with me, Swan.”

“What’s not to like about it?”

“Exactly,” he winks, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer so that he can softly glide his lips over hers, his tongue quickly licking into her mouth in a burst of heat and pleasure before he’s retreating. “Darling, will you grab the black bag? I have no idea how I managed to pack so much stuff.”

“Sounds like a plan, Stan.”

Killian reaches forward and slaps her ass, making her jump. “I missed that idiotic phrase.”

“As you should have.”

She picks up the black bag off the ground as Killian takes his others, the two of them carry them to the front door and placing them inside before Killian closes the front door and pushes her against it, her back hitting the wood as his hand snakes up underneath her shirt, warm flesh against her skin, and his lips start working at her neck, vibrations trembling down her spine.

“I have thought of you every day.” He punctuates each word with a kiss or a teasing of her skin with teeth, and she nearly melts right then and there at the deep rumble of his accent. “I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to do something like that again.”

“I love you,” she gasps out as his hand starts to fumble with the waistband of her leggings, yanking them down as heat curls between her thighs. But it’s then that she remembers that she has something kind of big to tell him. How could she possibly forget? “Wait, wait. Killian, wait.”

He pulls back, his head retreating into his neck as his brows raise and his eyes scan her face, typical Killian 101 trying to figure out what exactly is going on with her even as his hands still run across her stomach, itching to go beneath her leggings once more.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Nothing, nothing,” she promises, swiping her thumb across the apple of his cheek as her stomach does that twisting thing again. She needs it to stop. “It’s just that, well, I’m pregnant.”

It’s not the smoothest way to tell her husband that they’re going to be parents, but when has she even been smooth and graceful and perfect with her words? Never. He blinks a few times, his lashes landing against his cheeks, and when his lips part, she expects some kind of word, but it’s really more of a…squawk? Is that the right word? She has no idea.

“KJ?”

He blinks once more before leaning forward to press his forehead against hers, his nose pressing into her cheek and his lips lightly brushing over hers as he speaks. “You’re pregnant? We’re having a baby?”

“I mean, technically I am the one having a baby, but you helped us get there.”

“Thank goodness I’m the father. I was unsure for a minute.”

“Shut up, you idiot,” she laughs, shoving at his chest to move him away only for him to pull her closer.

“I may be an idiot, but I’m the father of your baby. You can’t change that.”

“This is not how you were supposed to react.”

“How was I supposed to react?”

“I don’t know. With affection or something?”

“Me teasing you about the paternity of our baby isn’t affection?”

“Eh, maybe.”

“If it’s a boy, we should name it Stan.”

She barks out a laugh, her head falling backwards, and everything in her life rights itself. Killian is home, he’s teasing her, and he’s so unbelievably happy that her stomach finally settles.

This is perfect.

“I am not doing that.”

“I was kidding,” he teases, pressing his lips against hers once, twice, three times.

“Were you though?”

“Possibly.” He fumbles around under her shirt until he’s pulling his hand out and grabbing onto her left wrist, brushing his lips on her wrist dot in the way that she’s missed, the romantic fool. “I love you, and this is by far the best welcome home I’ve ever received.”

“I know. I’ll probably never be able to live up to it.”

“You can always try.”

“Eh, too much effort.”

Killian chuckles before kissing her wrist again, holding it to his lips as his eyes close and a soft smile forms on his face. “My love, I will always be happy to see you, both of you.”

-/-

@ultraluckycatnd @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog  @andiirivera   @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings  @notoriouscs @mariakov81  @jonirobinson64  @ultimiflos @idristardis @galaxyzxstark @thejollyroger-writer @lifeinahole27 @bmbbcs4evr

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47 Chapter 48 Chapter 49

AO3

Chapter 50. A world of their own

I had missed watching Jamie swimming -- the concentrated look on his face as he focused on his coach’s instructions, the tightly pressed lips as he got into position, the way everything around him disappeared the moment he pushed away from the wall. His technique seemed flawless. His arms moved as if the water was oily and he was sliding through without effort, simply being where he belonged. Ellen had been right to call him kelpie.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I barely registered that Jamie had gotten out of the pool and was now walking towards me, when he suddenly stopped in his tracks, reached for his towel and with a quick move covered himself. I didn’t know if anybody else had seen what I did, but the color rising on Jamie’s cheeks was enough to make me giggle. He came to me with wide, fast strides, a crooked smile on his face, and pulled me against his -- still wet -- body.

“Hey!” I protested. “You’re wet.”

“Mmm,” he made a noise from deep down his throat and looked into my eyes. “‘Tis called revenge.”

“For what?” I asked, frowning at him.

“Ye ken for what. And I saw ye laughing, Sassenach. From now on, ye’re not allowed to come to see me training.” I pressed my lips together, having a hard time to stifle the laughter that bubbled inside me. “D’ye ken everyone teased me in Edinburgh after that first time ye came to the pool? I canna have that here, too.”

“Oh, absolutely,” I agreed, with feigned solemnity. “We canna have that.”

Jamie made another sound that indicated he wasn’t satisfied with my response, and after a soft bite on my bottom lip, turned to go to the locker rooms. “Wait for me, aye?” he asked before he disappeared around the corner.

As if I had anywhere else to go.

We spent that night at home, alone. After two failed attempts to watch a film cuddling in his bed, we accepted that no matter the plot and direction, nothing could hold our attention. Jamie took the popcorn from my lap and set the bowl on the floor, focusing on the salt I hadn’t yet licked off my lips. He did it for me, and the groan that came from deep down his throat sent a shiver down my spine, enough to make me forget everything else. I ran my fingers on the soft skin of his neck and through his red locks, pulling him closer for a long, long kiss.

That night, I paid attention to all the little things I couldn’t see when I was away.

How his eyes were becoming dark, wide pupils swallowing the blue irises, when I slipped out of my clothes. How his peppery scent was engulfing me when he took me in his arms, and the relief of our naked bodies together, soon replaced by a flame burning on our fingertips, aching to explore. To make the other gasp, and moan, and groan. How his teeth were scraping against my neck as if the need to taste me would never be sated, while his hands were gliding along my body, never having felt enough of me. How his voice vibrated through my body when he murmured wicked and sweet things in my ear and against my skin, making me shake with need. And the way he was smiling, just for an instant before I came undone, as if he was the happiest man in the world.

--

With Jamie going to his classes every morning, I found myself relaxing in an everyday life that I wished could go on forever. I was sleeping in every day, hiding in his dorm, read a lot, and strolled around the campus and the city. Jamie’s excitement was contagious, and I soon found myself falling in love with Ann Arbor. It would be easy to live here, with him. No more late night calls, no more lonely nights. An ideal situation. Easy, if I didn’t have my own dreams to follow.

Oxford was written in my heart for so many years that even considering changing my plans felt like a betrayal. And, in any case, I was never one for easy things. Living apart was a challenge, but I was sure that going through a long distance relationship would make us stronger. It would be a proof, that no matter what, we would be together. We had love, the kind of love that goes along with will and commitment, and it was enough for us. I could see it every time I looked into his eyes when he talked about the future, and I felt that my heart would burst with joy. We would always have each other.

It was one of those late mornings -- or early afternoons -- that the door of Jamie’s room swung open, making me spring out of bed.

I stood still, a few seconds that felt like hours, looking at John, seeing his eyes going as wide as mine.

“Shit,” I whispered, and jumped under the covers.

“Oh God,” John mumbled, closing his eyes. He turned around to face the door, and proceeded on leaving the room while murmuring things I couldn't make out.

I was only in Jamie’s University of Michigan blue t-shirt, and my panties.

My heart was beating so fast I thought it would stop at any moment from sheer exhaustion. And then I’d die from embarrassment.

Oh God.

As if it wasn’t enough that we had kicked John out of his room, now he couldn’t even enter it safely. I put on my pyjama bottoms and a bra, and walked to the door, all the while trying to find something to say. Something that wasn’t, ‘Don’t worry, we didn’t do it on your bed, although we got close once.’

“John?” I slowly opened the door, popping my head out into the corridor. John was there, red as a beetroot, trying to avoid my gaze. “I’m decent now,” I said with a smile. An awkward smile.

John breathed a sigh, his shoulders dropping as he turned towards me. “Jamie told me you would be out. He said you’d go to the museum again.” I couldn’t believe he was explaining himself for coming back to his room. “I’m sorry, Claire.”

My laughter was short but genuine. “You’re sorry? It’s your bloody room! Come in!” I titled my head towards the room and moved to sit on Jamie’s bed again. John walked inside, closing the door gently behind him.

“I just need a few more clothes and I’ll be out before you know it.” He opened his wardrobe, moving hangers left and right, searching for something. His cheeks had found their normal color again, but his abrupt moves made it clear that he still thought he was intruding.

I stayed on Jamie’s bed, looking at him, wondering how I could amend the mess I had made. “Don’t you have a class?”

“What?” he asked, distracted, as if he didn’t expect me to talk again. “Oh, I have, but later.”

“I could make you a cuppa if you don’t need to leave right now.”

John turned to see me, his eyes glinting. “I haven’t heard anyone offering me a cuppa for a while now,” he said with a grin. “I think I’ll accept your invitation, my lady, even though your abode is rather simple.” He gestured at the room. “And small.”

I chuckled and rose to add water in the kettle. “I will try to do better next time, my Lord. I’ll try to accommodate you in a summer palace, or something.”

“So why aren’t you at the museum?” John asked while piling clothes on his bed. “Apart from staying here to scare me half to death, I mean.”

“I’m not that scary,” I said with a smirk and John raised an eyebrow at me, hiding his smile. “I…” I looked around, trying to find an excuse, and failed. “I got distracted,” I finished, rather lamely.

“Hmm,” John rubbed his chin in mocking concentration. “Distracted. And without the massive Scot around.” He nodded to himself once or twice, as if reaching to a conclusion, and added, “Interesting.”

I shook my head, pouring the water into the cups. “Sherlock Holmes, now in your dorm,” I murmured and heard him chuckle.  

“What’s this?” John asked, taking in his hand the actual reason that got me distracted.

I drew a deep breath, took the cups in my hands, and moved to stand next to him. “My mom,” I answered, smiling. As I smiled every time I held that picture. As I had been smiling, lying on the bed with the picture on Jamie’s pillow, when John had entered the room.

“Where is she?” he asked, studying the picture with a slight frown before his eyes met mine. His glance was kind, his light blue eyes beautiful, patient. I felt as if I could tell him anything, and he would understand.

“Here?” I pointed at the picture, turning his attention to it. “In Zambia.”

“Wow. Was she a volunteer?”

“Yes. At least, I guess so.”

I munched my real answer inside my mouth, suddenly ashamed of it.

I don’t know. This is my mother, but I don’t know what she was doing there.

I felt my chest hollow again, and not knowing what to do, I took my cup from the table and sat on the bed. John sensed my uneasiness and didn’t pry further. I supposed Jamie had told him about my parents. Mirroring my moves, he took his cuppa and sat on his bed across from me.

“My brother’s girlfriend,” he stopped and corrected himself. “Err, fiance, had gone to Lebanon a year ago. As a volunteer.”

“She did? That’s amazing!” My eyebrows shot up, and I could hear my excitement pitching my voice high. I sat up on Jamie’s bed, crossing my feet in front of me, waiting from John to tell me more.

John moved to sit more comfortably, careful not to jostle the piles of clothes he’d left on his bed. “Yes, she’s quite impressive, this one.” I wondered if that meant she was more impressive than his brother’s ex-girlfriend, but thought it wiser not to ask.

“She does sound impressive,” I commented, “If she went to Lebanon just a year ago.”

John turned his eyes to his tea, then looked at me again. “Minnie is pure force. I don’t know if I could endure half the things she has been through.”

“Minnie?” I asked incredulously.

John’s lips curled up, and he looked at me with mischief. “Her name is Miverva, actually. But she’s petite, and Hal -- my brother -- started calling her Minnie when they dated. Started calling her Minnie before they dated, to be precise, and if you ask for my honest opinion I think he was just trying to get her attention. They were working for competitive law firms, you see. Anyway, long story short, the whole family calls her Minnie now. She told me once,” John paused and shook his head, “That she was considering adding poison to Hal’s tea for reducing her name to a cartoon.”

I smiled and sipped my tea, waiting for John to continue. When I realized he wouldn’t, my eyes trailed back onto my mom’s picture.

“I’m pretty sure Minnie would volunteer again if she wasn’t pregnant.” John’s voice was calm but his eyes were intent on me and he smiled, in a caring, encouraging way.

“She’s expecting?” I asked, trying to focus on the easy part of the conversation. “Congratulations!”

John’s face shone with a wide smile. “Thank you, Claire. They didn’t expect it, but she’s expecting.” His smirk was a clear indication of how much he had teased his brother about that.

“Well, a pregnancy sounds like a pretty good reason for not trying to get herself killed,” I said with a smile.

“Indeed, it does.” John sipped his tea, and we kept silent for a few minutes. I studied the picture again, looking at my mom’s smile, wondering if she missed her life in Africa after meeting my dad and having a family. “She would be delighted to talk with you.” John’s voice brought me out of my trance. “If you’d like to learn more about volunteering,” he added noncommittally. “She could give you the gist of it.”  

“John…” I hesitated for a moment, thinking about it, my glance falling on my mom’s picture again. I drew a deep breath and brought the lukewarm cup of tea closer to my body, as if its warmth would help me make a decision. It would be just a conversation, I wouldn't commit to anything. I looked up at John, who was suddenly very interested in patting the creases of the folded sweaters on his bed. “I’d love that.”

--

Jamie came late that evening, his blue beanie covering the red curls, his lips frozen when they touched mine.

“I missed ye so much,” he whispered, trailing kisses down my neck, his hot breath a contrast to his cold lips that made me shiver. “I was thinking of ye all day long.”

“I was right here,” I said with a smile, taking his beanie off to run my hands through his hair.

He groaned against my neck and looked at me. “And that’s even worse, isn’t it? To ken ye’re alone in my dorm, and I not able to come to you. Ye’re so close,” he whispered, took my lips in his and snaked an arm around my waist to pull me closer.

“You’re so bloody cold,” I mumbled as I cupped his cheek, still red from the temperature outside.

“Seems ye need to warm me up this time, Sassenach,” he replied with a smile against my lips.

It took less than a minute and I could feel Jamie’s body underneath mine, hot as ever.

“I don’t think you need all these clothes, now,” I said, biting my lips as I pulled off his sweater.

Jamie groaned and pressed my body against him, sucking on my neck, while his hands traveled down my back and settled on my butt. “And ye definitely dinna need that pyjama bottoms.”

We took care of the offending clothes and melted into each other, and it wasn’t long until the room seemed too hot for both of us.

--

A while later, I was lying on Jamie’s chest, drawing patterns on his side when my stomach rumbled, making Jamie’s laughter shake my body. “I’m hungry,” I said with a pout. “Don’t laugh!”

Jamie rolled his eyes and saw the corner of his mouth curling up. “Aye, I was sure ye’d be. I brought supplies, babe.”

Only then I noticed the packages on his desk. We ate in bed, and I listened to Jamie talking about his day, sharing with me all the little things he had done while resenting he couldn’t come back to the dorm. When we emptied our cartons, I sat on his lap, wrapped my legs over his hips, and fortified myself for what was coming.

“Jamie.” I swallowed hard, trying to sound serious.

His eyes were sleepy, the day’s fatigue falling heavy on him. His hand was tracing lines on my spine as he leaned his head against the wall. “Aye?” he asked in a husky voice.

“I was thinking today,” I started, then stopped, unsure of how to proceed. I had decided to narrate the events from the beginning, but now I wasn’t sure if that was the best approach.

“Ye mean to tell me there is a brain underneath all these curls?” He caught a lock of my hair between his fingers, then pulled me in, took a deep breath and placed a tender kiss on my head. “I had suspected something o’ the sort.”

“Jamie, I…” I pushed back and took his face in my hands, willing him to look at me. This got his attention. “Do you remember the picture I told you about? My mom’s picture?”

“The one she’s in Africa?” he asked, perplexed, and sat up.

“Yes. In Zambia. I kept thinking about that.” Every trace of sleep disappeared from his face. He didn’t talk, just gave me time to put my thoughts together, even though I had spent the whole day doing just that.

Jamie had a life here. He had his program, his friends, his dream coming true. And while I was really proud of him and I looked forward to living my Oxford dream, in the meanwhile, I felt left out. For the first time in my life, I was floating without having a purpose.

“John was here today,” I started, looking at his brow furrow.

And I told him everything. About my conversation with John, my Skype call with Minnie, the way she talked about volunteering and the immense feeling of completion, how each and every volunteer makes a difference… Jamie listened to me, silent, and I saw a mask setting on his face with each passing sentence, making his feelings inscrutable. I continued, trying to pass through it and make him see, make him understand that this was something I needed to do.

“When I’ll be back in Edinburgh,” I paused and rubbed my face, frustrated. This wasn’t going well. “It’s not as it was when you left. Jenny is at Lallybroch, John in New York. I am alone and I have nothing to do.”

“You could catch up with your reading,” he offered. “You wanted to go to Oxford prepared.”

I scowled at him. “I still do. And I will, I’m not giving up on studying. But this is different. It’s something I might never get the chance to do again.”

Jamie swallowed, his hands still on my hips. “You could volunteer anywhere,” he said, his voice low, constrained. “You could do it in Scotland, or here.”

“Yes,” I agreed, taking my eyes away from him. “But my mom… She was in Zambia, Jamie, and I had no idea before. But now I do, and I feel like I will somehow understand the person she was if I volunteer to go to there, too. I will share the same experience with her.” Jamie kept silent, then pressed his lips together and nodded.

“It’s not going to be forever,” I crooned. “Only a few months.” A strained smile curled his lips up. “We will still talk. Nothing will change.”

“Claire.” His voice was harsh. “Stop saying that. Things will change. We won’t meet for months.”

I took my hands off his chest and neck, looked at him for a long moment, and then turned my gaze on my lap. He was right, we wouldn’t meet for a few months, but I thought this was something we could deal with.

“I thought we were better than this,” I said, my voice equally hard with his. 

I thought he would understand. 

Jamie didn’t reply. I heard his heavy breaths, his fingers drumming against the headboard, my heart racing inside my chest. It was a long silence and the air got thick around us. Impossible to breathe. I bit my lip, regretting what I had said, feeling terrible for questioning how strong we were. But still, when I opened my mouth, I didn’t find anything else to say. I didn’t have anything to offer as a consolation. I had said the truth, I believed we would be alright if I volunteered. Just a few months.

I heard Jamie sigh and he placed two fingers under my chin, tilting my head up to face him. “I just miss you, mo ghraidh. I miss you already and to think that I won’t be able to see you for so long…” he trailed off, turning his gaze away from me, but not before I could see the hurt in his eyes.

I leaned into him until my forehead was on his shoulder, and I breathed him in. “I miss you too,” I whispered, and placed a soft kiss on his neck. Jamie’s arms came around my back and he hugged me tightly, keeping me close.

“But you have to do this,” he completed my unfinished sentence.

I could feel his heart beating fast under my palm. “I think I do,” I mumbled against his skin. I felt him nod, and I pulled back to see him. There was no mask on his face anymore. Jamie was looking at me, open, honest, and loving. He didn’t like it, and he let me see that in the tight lips, in the worried eyebrows. But his bright blue eyes were trusting and I knew he would support me because he understood. Like I knew he would.

“I hate ye for being so good,” he sulked. I smiled, leaned into him again, and took his lips in mine.

“I love you for being so good,” I said, breaking our kiss for a moment before his teeth were on my bottom lip. I cupped his face, feeling the need to repeat my statement, to make him really know. “I love you.”

“I ken,” he smiled wistfully. “You’ll come back to me, right?”

“Always.” I placed a reverent kiss on his lips as if sealing a deal. Jamie studied my face with a small smile, ran his fingers on my cheek, and tucked an errant curl behind my ear. “Actually,” I started, trying to keep a straight face. “It’s not a choice anymore, not to come back.” Jamie’s hand stopped on its way through my curls and he looked at me puzzled. “Since we kissed under the arch at midnight…” I smirked at him, raising an eyebrow.

Jamie chuckled, shook his head and pulled me to him, kissing me again, and again, and again. The smile had reached his eyes when they locked with mine, and I felt a heavy weight lifted off my chest.

He lowered me onto the narrow, single bed and I got under the covers, scooting over to make room for him. Jamie cuddled behind me, our bodies fitting against each other as they had so many nights, sharing warmth, revelling in our closeness. We kept quiet as we breathed in the same air, listening to the beating of our hearts. Hearts we knew would always beat for each other, sharing stories and lullabies, making a world of their own.

Chapter 51

[artzjames]

Mafia au! Guilty Kiss's Prologue

So i was think more and more about my aqours mafia au while sketch some of it, so decided write some thoughts i don't forget so guess this is a how guilty kiss got started

Tsushima yoshiko the heir of the tsushima mafia, knowen as yohane on the streets, born into somewhat strong mafia family, The Tsushima was known for there black magic and stealth

The Tsushima finally got their respect of criminal world when they took Down the ohara

Now the Oharas are definitely a mafia superpower, there were known for their Big heists, their Strength, their markmanship with their guns,their skill and etc.

Now for such a small, slightly unexperienced mafia such as the Tushimas to take down a mafia such as the Ohara, that was especially suprise to the other bigger mafia

However the big the takedown of the Oharas was all thank to one Shiny gal from the mafia herself and a fallen angel. Mari and Yoshiko.

Ohara Mari, the heir to the Ohara mafia. At very young age she was a target, so of course she experienced her life being threatened multiple times over. For a young girl mari seen a lot with her eyes. And one day she wished she didn't have such good eyes,the day her mother was murdered by her father.

Mari wished she didn't here the screams and plead for help. She wished haven't seen her mother been stabed multiple times over.

Mark's mother supposedly was cheating on her father,is what he said to the rest of the maifia. Mari knew the trurth behind that lie, she knew her father was tired of her mother. Mari knew this too well. If she had to be honest she never seen her father do anything nice to her mother, just shout and screams and abuse her.

That's when Mari snapped, she couldn't take anymore, she wanted her father dead. She wanted him to burn in hell,and that stupid mafia to go down with him.

So when she came cross "yohane", as yoshiko would call herself, They became friends instantly, why? Because both wanted to take down the Oharas, their both party animal. And generally care for each other

Yohane would normally listen to Mari complains and give her advice. Mari would offen go see yoshiko trained and support her.

Now with these two heirs becoming friends, and with there burning desire to takedown the Oharas, they divided a grand plan. A absolute masterpiece if they do say so their selves.

The Plan took the "Shiny" approach,as Mari would like to call it. The Plan was to blow up the Huge mansionlike hotel that all the Oharas lives in,including Mari's father.

How will they will they be able to plant the bomb? How will they will be able to get every single Oharas in the hotal at the same?

That's where Mari comes in

You see they planned all this exactly two weeks from mari's 19th birthday,where her father is planning a huge party. Where every Ohara member have to attend,Mari suggest that part of course.

Within those two weeks, they got two work. Yoshiko give Mari a shipment of the biggest and most finest TNT she could get. Since Mari is like

"Go big or go home~!"

Mari even sneaked yoshiko couple times to place the bombs onto perfect places so the hotal can blow into bits and pieces.

1 Week before the The big day, Yoshiko was training not stop with you. Knowing if anything goes wrong the fault will be on her. She has to make sure this goes off with hitch.

Since after the big BANG, Mari and her both knows their with just few Oharas alive.

Now that's when yoshiko comes in use

Her and a small group of her mafia's best sharp shooters. Are going to kill any of the leftovers.

However yoshikeo herself will be the we be going into the rumbles to search for any survivors. They snipers are are only providing a cover. After kill ever survivor there ggoing to set fire and make fireworks go off.

That of course, was mari's idea.

But the thing is she must finished all these in 10 minutes, that's when Mari will pick her up

Which means she must swift and stealthy as the 'fallen angel' she was

A Day before the big day was honestly nervewercking for the two of them, Mari. Reason because she's about kill all of her family. If this didn't work out and failes this means automatic death from her father himself for betrayal and the want to kill the family. Those where heavily against the rules of the mafia. Especially the Oharas

For yoshiko, reasoning is because of the simple fact, if this fails then it means war. An a war that the tsushimas wasn't ready for.

The day of Mari's 19th Birthday and the big day

The Ohara's big mafia family fulled the hallways of the Ohara's hotels and headed the ball room where the main event is happening, literal. About 15 stickey bombs are under every five tiles, That was that fallen angel doing.

Mari looked liked goddesses in that white and purple dress. She counted make sure all of her family is here. Only having exactly 20 minutes to get them all here and escape before the bombs go off.

During these 20 minutes, Mari has been ask for the hand of marriage many times by men and women she didn't even know! These sickened Mari but keep up the act. Until her father bluntly says she getting married to someone from another mafia, someone she didn't even know! And her father didn't even tell her about any of this until now

Mari gave up the act, infuriated as ever. She dashed out of ballroom then out of the hotel. Calling up yoshiko as soon she gets far enough to move the plan forward

Of course yoshiko seem confused of why she has rush the plan forward. But Mari sounded hurt and almost sound like she crying. Now making yoshiko anger and simply agreed

As soon as yoshiko got there. She set up the positions and then BOOM.

The whole entire building collapse to the ground. Making it seems like an earthquake. All different types of color fire flew through the air.

If there was surivors, then Yohane doubts they will be any condition to fight

Yohane dash into the rumbles of the explosion with her katana and throwing knives in hand. About 5 mins into the search yohane found nothing other then dead. Ohara members, guest and some other people from different mafias

Seeing that where no surivors yohane start pour gallons of gasoline and start a fire. Yohane was interrupted by being hit in the back of the head by rock. Pretty small rock tho.

Mari's father somehow survive the explosion by being outside of the building searching for Mari.

Yohane immediately turned around and through one of her knives at Mari's father leg. Already having trouble walking, he simply fell to the ground and screams of pains left his body.

With precisely 3 mins left, yohane knew she has to end quick. But how can she do that after all he did to Mari. Well that's simple

She going to let him burn. Burn straight to the gates of hell

Yohane very quickly, stabs on her knives on his other legs and each of his arms so he can stay put.

After doing such she whispered something in mari's father's ear that made him shiver with fear

"Welcome to Hell"

After that she dashed out of there as fast as possible as the fire started spread quickly.

With a minute left yohane quickly light all the fireworks in one go which created another explosion with all times of flashing colors which definitely alerted the police.

But luckily by the time police got there Mari and yoshiko are already in a safe house far away from the hotal.

A YEAR OR TWO AFTER THAT THE OHARAS TAKE DOWN

Yoshiko became the new boss of the tsushima family after they found out she and Mari was the one to take down the Oharas

Mari, of course joined the tsushima quickly became a second in command alongside yoshiko. Thanks her to influences .

With those two as leader, The tsushimas quickly turn into strong and powerful mafia and has 6/10 of territories.

The Sakurachis, another big mafia came to into yoshiko to propose a alliance between the two mafia familes.

And as a poof of there Allegiance with the tsushimas. They offer their heir to yoshiko.

Sakurahi Riko, the most beautiful person on this planet. Aleast to a certain fallen angel.

Mari of course, here's about the proposal and sets up a meeting to meet this "riko" because she knows what it feels like to marry someone you don't know

After the meeting yoshiko has to admit, she's fond of riko

Yes, riko beautiful but that was only the beginning, Her personality made yoshiko Ascend up to the heavens, and her smile and laughed makes her feel like she's floating on air.

If there was ever a time yoshiko believed in love at first sight, it will definitely would be now.

And with only few words that escape Riko's lips, it made yoshiko feel like internal hellflame.

"I hope to see you soon, yocchan~"

Those simple little words meant the world to yoshiko, and will do anything to protect it

So of course, Yoshiko accepted the Sarukahi's proposal. In hopes of being with riko

Mari, having her showmanship precedes her. Throws a huge gala for both mafias to celebrate there newfound alliance, but especially for yoshiko to get see riko again. Mari would often tease yoshiko about this just to see her embarrass, acting like a big sister would to yoshiko. They are in the same mafia after all

The gala so far was going off without a hitch. Guest having a time of there lives, smiles,laughter, drunks singing song they don't know the words two, people dancing on the dance floor.

It was a amazing night in general, until a fallen angel gone made it a little bit more special.

When yohane was alone with riko on the dance floor, dancing to slow music. She got on one knee and asked a question no one thought would be asked on a night such as this

"Riko Sakurahi if you may, Allow me to court you?"

Riko simply smiled and took yohane's hand and gave yohane feeling never felt before

"Yes. Yoshiko tsushima you may court me"

Thus Creating the Guilty Kiss mafia.

Well shit, there you go now you know how guilty kiss came two be. Now all I have to do the prologue for Cyaron then we will get going

[wereverine]

combining these because one of y’all absolute mad lads wanted me to do the whole thing,, these are from the unusual asks (found here) now on to the questions !!!

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

~ tbh yeah,, like I wanna be the person I am on the inside,, I want my outsides to mirror my insides and just let everyone know who I am no hiding or making excuses any more,, I want people to look at me and be inspired to be themselves,, to love themselves,, and to just love me (if that’s the kind of relationship that specific person has with me)

2: What is your full name?

~ Nikita “Magnus” Nickerson (Magnus is a placeholder middle name for now,, I like it but also I think I might wanna change it to something else I dunno yet)

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?

~ I’m 19 currently and I get mistaken for either 16 or 21/22 with no in between

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?

~ finally I can answer yes to a question like this !!! it was semi-perm but omg I dyed it teal and my mom’s gonna let me do a mystery color sometime soon (it’s a surprise what color :3)

5: What’s your eye color?

~ deep brown,, like deeeeeppppp brown omg ppl used to make fun of me because I had “black,, demon eyes” and I was really good at staring contests when I was younger

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it?

~ honestly it varies sometimes I’m super indifferent to the body I have and other times I’m super insecure and want to get rid of my body,, but I am doing better about it and I’m glad my body gets me from place to place

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

~ I don’t currently have any tattoos (but watch tf out when I have money I have So many planned lol) and I’ve had my earlobes pierced since I was 6 months old and I’m planning to get some more piercings

8: What would you say is your best quality?

~ my ability to be there for ppl when they really need it,, like I drop stuff so quick when ppl indicate they need me

9: What are you really bad at?

~ math,, expressing my feelings,, talking about my feelings,, letting myself feel my feelings,, taking time for myself BEFORE I break down,, working myself into a breakdown,, asking for help

10: What talent do you wish you had?

~ honestly I wish I had the talent to actually know when to stop blaming myself

11: Are you nice to everyone?

~ nope,, but I try to be as polite as possible,, and I’ve gotten better about being nicer to people

12: What do you think about the most?

~ I mainly think about missed opportunities and how to let my friends know I care about them deeply and love them without weirding them out

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself?

~ hoo boy I’m gonna limit this to 3 things each otherwise we’d be here all day; likes: ability to listen,, creative,, intuitive; dislikes: bottling up emotions,, stubborn,, low self-esteem

14: What is your least favorite word?

~ moist

15: What is your favorite word?

~ petrichor

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?

~ tbh,, I’m a fairly even mix,, but a lot of times I don’t act like either one of them

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?

~ honestly,, I do that weird lil half smile that ppl get when another person is looking at them to do something lol

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone?

~ to stay out of trouble

19: Are you lying about anything right now?

~ the only thing I’m lying about is my emotional state when ppl ask how I’m doing

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?

~ romantically? nah,, but platonically? definitely

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?

~ not really,, not for me at least

22: Do you believe in soulmates?

~ of a sort,, like there are just some people that you vibe with in a very special way and it’s not always romantic either

23: Are looks important?

~ to me,, looks aren’t the most important thing,, I feel like personality goes beyond looks and can even enhance how your brain sees people

24: Opinion on relationship age differences?

~ after a certain amount of years I don’t particularly agree with them,, like if you have a 20+ year age gap I don’t really get it,, like if the ppl get together when one is like 20 and the other is like 40,, there’s such a gap in the understanding the 2 (or more) ppl will have,, but also it’s not my life and not really my business what grown adults do

25: Would you date someone off the internet?

~ I’d be willing to try but tbh it’s hard enough trying to date someone you met in person

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?

~ yes,, many times

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

~ yeah,, I had a crush on one of my friends while they were in a relationship and I felt so Bad,, like I didn’t want to ruin their relationship or lose their friendship so I just kept my mouth shut lol

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?

~ not really,, I’ve either given up on them a while ago or I still have a small shred of hope

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

~ not really ??? (unless they just didn’t tell me lmao)

30: Have you ever like your best friend?

~ actually yeah I have skskdddkdk

31: How does someone win your heart?

~ honestly,, I get crushes ridiculously easy if you’re nice to me for a while and show affection in an exuberant way,, and that typically deepens until one day I’m sitting there looking at that person when they’re telling me something they are So excited over and they have stars in their eyes and my face goes soft and I look at them like they hung the sun,, moon,, and stars just for me and it hits me like a freight train that I might just love this person and it doesn’t have to be romantically or sexually,, I just feel for people I’m close to very deeply and it might be pathetically easy to win my heart but goddamnit I’m soft and love a lot ❤❤

32: What turns you on?

~ a lot of different things actually,, like sometimes if the person I like is physically bigger than me and they need me to stand or sit a certain way and they position me just the way they need,, that’s umm,, Hot af,, although I act mad at the manhandling lol,, and oh god if they’re Big and they pin me with an intense stare and like loom over me (maybe with me against the wall aksksk 😍),, also my neck is like Very sensitive like to the point that if you lightly blow against it I full body shudder,, y’all don’t know how distracting it is when your crush is hugging you and telling you something important but you can’t listen because every word is a puff of air against your neck so you just close your eyes and hope to god your subconscious is actually retaining the info (oh god I just had a Thought,, if someone pinned me to the wall by my throat and then kissed me breathless while pressing close enough my gasping brushes our chests together and then kissed my neck with either tenderness or ferocity I’d probably fucking self combust on the spot),, to go along with that I Love Love Love neck kisses so much (y’all probably know too much about that by now lol),, y’all I’m just really into mouths,, lips,, teeth,, tongues are all just very top teir,, oh fuck,, flexing muscles get to me so much,, like cross your arms in front of me and I won’t look at your eyes because mine will be glued to those fucking arms,, god fuck thigh riding is the dream here 😍😍,, okay I’m gonna stop myself here but it’s easy to turn me on sometimes and hard other times (that greyasexual life)

33: What turns you off?

~ okay let me honest here,, as much as I like tongues and all they can do ;),, I don’t really enjoy french kissing (maybe that’s my last ex’s fault,, his kisses were just so Wet) like I much prefer those open-mouthed kisses with minimal tongue,, and people who are rude and assholes for no reason are like huge turn-offs no matter how attractive they are,, also I hate those people who like desperately want to be doms but they just become like overbearing,, lowkey abusive,, and highly annoying,, tbh most of this list is gonna be shit my ex did because it was all so Unsexy in hindsight

34: Do you get jealous easily?

~ imo not really,, like I might be jealous after a while if the person like after telling me that we would be spending time together alone and they didn’t really follow through like bringing another person along and focusing on them the whole time or focusing on a stranger overly much but I don’t really like feeling jealous because I don’t like forcing myself on people if it seems they are happier doing what they’re doing and I can’t control people only myself so I typically try and redirect any jealous thoughts,, if its like a constant thing tho I’d definitely talk to that person

35: What is your definition of cheating?

~ well for starters,, I don’t consider hugging other people or spending time with them cheating,, I guess I would define cheating for me personally is if the person knowingly hides a deep emotional/physical relationship with another person,, like say I was dating a person and then I found out they were spilling their fears and dreams with another person and telling me nothing or barely anything I’d be a little upset,, but also you can’t expect your s/o to talk to you and only you,, everybody needs and deserves a support system,, or if I found out they were having sex or taking another person out on dates without my knowledge,, like if they just talked to me and explained everything before they started anything they might find I’m open to accommodating them

36: Do you forgive betrayal?

~ for me,, this varies from person to person,, but there comes a point no matter the person that I will drop their ass (that’s what I get for having 7 earth signs with 5 of them being Taurus in my birth chart)

37: Have you ever been cheated on?

~ yes

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?

~ to my knowledge,, no,, but everyone has different definitions of cheating,, but I abhor cheating so like god I hope not

39: How often do you listen to music?

~ every fucking day,, mainly all day every day no joke,, I spent my entire senior year of hs with at least one headphone in blasting music to keep myself calm (I’m baby from baby driver essentially),, music is everything to me truly

40: First concert you attended?

~ the first concert I ever attended was a Goody Grace concert (y’all check my boy out I love him) it was lovely and it really woke something up in me in regards to frantically trying to plan visits to concerts now lol

41: Last movie you watched?

~ honestly,, I’m pretty sure I’ve watched at least one movie after this one,, but the last movie I remember watching is Aquaman a few weeks ago

42: Favorite type of movie?

~ Action/Adventure or Sci-Fi

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

~ I went through a period of self-harm for 9 years and I still struggle with craving those feelings a lot and when I relapse I feel like shit,, I’m better about talking about it through like texts or whatever it’s really hard for me to talk about it out loud,, I get really fucking choked up and kinda teary sometimes

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

~ for the most part,, yeah,, I’ve bottled up my feelings and problems for so long I’ve gotten quite good at not showing everything I’m feeling,, but lately,, I’ve been trying to go against that and show what I’m feeling when around people that care for me

45: Do you fall in love easily?

~ love? I don’t know about that but I get infatuated really easily,, I have a hard time identifying love and how it feels to me so I don’t realize I love someone until it smacks me in the face

46: Do you think people say “I love you” too much?

~ fuck no,, say I love you to the people you love damnit !!! I say I love you to my friends AND my family,, like omg sometimes I have to just shut up because I’m bursting with love for people,, and if I’m drunk I say I love you like every five seconds ❤😍😘

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

~ very basic of me,, but Halloween/All Hallow’s Eve,, it’s really one of the only widely celebrated holidays I like

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

~ this depends on what the person is asking for forgiveness for,, but there comes a point where nothing they say or do could possibly get me to forgive them,, like sometimes you just have cut ppl off

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?

~ (disney land/world ??? I’m jk lol) on god,, it’s sitting with someone you vibe with and sharing bits and pieces of your souls between each other (and if that devolves into being wrapped up in each other until the stars come out then that’s magical babey 😍)

50: What’s your “type”?

~ nice,, funny,, passionate,, ??? it’s surprisingly hard to put into words,, rest assured I intimately know I do have a type,, it’s just very broad lol

Okay,, that’s the 50 questions !!! thank you darlin’ much for asking me to do this lol,, sorry it took me a while,, love you ❤❤ !!!

[douxreviews]

Charmed - Season Seven Review

"I don't think we're getting out of this one, girls."

Season Seven is one of Charmed's weirdest years. After the mess of Season Six, the series seemingly finds its way again. The first 13 episodes take the season in an interesting and thoughtful direction, after which the show starts to build towards some sort of resolution, though said resolution feels rushed and odd. Despite what is clearly a season begging to close out this seven-year story, there's sadly more aneurisms on the horizon in Season Eight. Before that we do get to experience some surprisingly decent material, with a few crappy episodes thrown in for good measure.

Following the events of Season Six, the Halliwells' lives are still in turmoil after Gideon's betrayal, and the death of future Chris. The most interesting element of this is Leo's struggle to clear his name after killing Gideon, something that gets even more complicated after Barbas' meddling in the premiere forces Leo into murdering another Elder, this one completely innocent. This destructive behavior sets Leo on a path towards the Avatars, a mysterious group initially introduced in Season Five, back when Cole was groomed to join their cause, a cause that was at that point, unclear.

There’s also the introduction of Kyle Brody to contend with, a detective who has a large distrust of the Avatars, thanks to their role in murdering his mother and father when they stumble into the wrong place at the wrong time. His relationship with Paige is interestingly drawn, with her loyalty to him being tested in an altogether different way than Phoebe's was back in Season Four. Brody has some valid reasons for siding against the Charmed Ones, reasons that Paige herself understands. He loses his life while trying to stop the Avatars’ plan to remake the world in their image from coming to fruition, but his death is a powerful moment, and gives Rose a rare chance to make Paige appear likable again. His reincarnation as a whitelighter is completely unnecessary, though.

The Avatar arc is actually one of the more inspired of Charmed's long running stories, mostly because it attempts to tackle something a little “grayer” than would be typical of the series, especially this late in the game. Though they seem to initially offer a better world for the Charmed Ones, one without demons or evil, the Avatars’ "new order" isn’t as clear cut as it seems, with free will eradicated. The girls are left with no other option but to join forces with a demon named Zankou in order to reverse the world altering spell in 'Extreme Makeover: World Edition' (the episode titles are starting to get real wild). The resolution to this whole debacle is a refreshingly tame one, with the girls reasoning the Avatars out of their position of power, and parting ways with Zankou who promises to come face to face with them further down the line. Initially I was a bit underwhelmed by what transpires with the entire arc, but looking back its actually quite poignant, interspersing moments of intriguing mystery with bitter realizations about the world these characters exist in.

The seeds sewn during the girls' reluctant team-up with Zankou are used to great effect later on the season. Some of the episodes in question are plagued by poor execution, notably in 'Death Becomes Them', when the guilt the sisters' are forced to relive when Zankou resurrects innocents they failed to save just doesn't hit home; it's a fantastic idea that doesn't push the boundaries far enough. Zankou himself is still a terrific villain, with Oded Fehr's performance way outshining the bland macho-posturing of the Z-list demons around him. His villainy comes to a head in the finale, with the girls "sacrificing" themselves to stop him from taking control of the Nexus beneath the manor. The episode itself is a tense, exciting ride that gives Zankous's master plan a lot of gravitas, and has a few fun call-backs to elements of past seasons, though it's oddball ending leaves the season in a weird place, with the girls faking their deaths and escaping the potential exposition of their explosive showdown with Zankou at the manor. The ending has some interesting repercussions in theory, and the open-endedness of it is pretty exciting, but it's not exactly where I would want the show to end up. In hindsight, it would seem almost a mercy to viewers to end it here, rather than face the shit-show that is the show's final season. Not to mention how clumsily this is all dealt with after the fact. Ugh.

Outside of the resonance of the Avatar arc and Zankou's generally fun presence, the season feels a little off. 'The Bare Witch Project' is an embarrassing approach to modern day sexism that is unintentionally sexist itself. Any excuse to get Alyssa in her underwear, right? 'Freaky Phoebe’s is another shitty hour that is the perfect example of how tired the possessed sister trope has become. And 'Imaginary Friends' is a bad re-hash of the "let’s turn Wyatt evil" plan that was done to death in Season Six, with the episode further hindered by the black-sucking hole of boredom that is Wes Ramsey's portrayal of an adult Wyatt.

The generally tired attitude is evident in the rest of the guest casting, too. Phoebe's annual love interest this season is the terribly cast Nick Lachey, whose character Leslie steps in as a ghost writer for Phoebe's column when she takes a sabbatical from dishing out useless advice. Of course, the writers use this opportunity to shove them together, even though their chemistry is non-existent. Erica Dane's charm that kept Jason Dean afloat last season just isn't there with Leslie, either; stick to the boybands and reality shows, Nick. Things do look up briefly mid-season, with Billy Zane's brief arc as ex-demon Drake, who momentarily suspends Phoebe's descent into a chasm of whining and self-importance. Zane is ridiculously charismatic, elevating otherwise drab material and injecting life into an increasingly bored looking cast. His exit after just three episodes is sad to watch, but it's more of a tribute to how great Zane was rather than how well Drake was written.

In general, the sisters’ journeys this season are a little uninspired. Paige does find some purpose with her inheritance of Magic School, a job she later passes on to Leo when she fully embraces her whitelighter duties. Phoebe thankfully parks sperm hunt '04 to embrace her role as a source of relationship advice; it’s a nice change of pace from her standard plots revolving around bland love interests but she's just as annoying as she was when she was man-hunting. Piper is still focused on helping Leo, though it’s her role as a mother of two that's one of the few elements that help her to remain somewhat relatable. That aside, there isn’t a whole lot of growth where Piper’s concerned, despite remaining the only tolerable character.

Potions and Notions

Phoebe regains her power of premonition this season. It’s the only of her three powers that she ever gets to use again on-screen, with empathy and levitation remaining too strenuous on the budget.

Death makes his second appearance here, and his first since Season Three. I love that there’s reference to the fact that it was only Prue who saw him last time. One of the rare occasions where the series keeps its continuity in check.

I loved the shots in 'Extreme Makeover: World Edition' that showed all the people going to sleep, with the characters addressing little plot holes like the planes in the sky falling without a pilot to fly them.

Julian McMahon reprises his role as Cole in the 150th episode ‘The Seven Year Witch’. It’s disappointing that he only gets to interact with Piper, who is temporarily stuck in some form of limbo, but he remains a huge talent, and it was great to see him on the series again.

In the season finale, the girls use Astral Projection when trying to trick Zankou. There’s a reference to Prue having taught them the skill at one point, though back in the day it was heavily implied it was one of Prue’s individual talents, not a learned ability.

Spells and Chants

Death: "Which means ending death effectively ends life, throws off the entire cosmic design, the whole point, and for what? A single fleeting life. This is bigger than your sister, Piper. Much bigger."

Paige: "Well, you're gonna go deaf first. Don't forget, you're the older sister." Piper: "Yeah, I love you too."

Paige: "Last column?" Phoebe: "Well yeah. How much advice can a world with no conflict need? I may be out of the job." Paige: "You okay with that?" Phoebe: "I've got better things to look forward to."

Leo: "I tried to change the world for you ... and I would do it again in a heartbeat. "

Phoebe: "Those demons do have a way of keeping you warm at night." Piper: "Yeah, but that's only because they have fireballs."

Best Episode: Witchness Protection; a remarkably affecting episode, with Charisma Carpenter's incredibly likeable Kira bringing the show together in a way that hasn't been seen since early season five.

Honorable Mentions: Charmageddon; Something Wicca This Way Goes.

Worse Episode: The Bare Witch Project

There's a general sense that those behind the camera (and in front of it) wanted this to be where Charmed's journey ended, and it's hard not to argue with that. By the time we reach the season finale the series had completely drained the well of ideas and, despite a short lived creative resurgence during the initial Avatar arc, the season was mostly a mere shadow of the series Charmed used to be, and the sisters themselves were starting to grate. Sadly, the WB Elders kept the show plugged in for one more year. The only reprieve of the show's extended life is the potential for the series to craft an ending that feels a little less rushed. In hindsight that still doesn't justify the trash we get fed in Season Eight, but 20/20 I guess...

5 out of 10 world altering spells.

Panda

[nyangibun]

Winters relief??? (Why did it take me 20 minutes to come up with this terrible shit god)

Hahaha I’m so bad at coming up with fic titles so dont worry xD 

Ooh okay, let me think… This is all set during winter. 

It’s been 10 years since Jon and Sansa have seen each other. She’s 28 and he’s 30. They dated in high school for 3 years, but broke up just before she graduated. She wanted to travel the world and Jon wanted to stay in their tiny Scottish village. He’s angry with her for wanting to leave so quickly without even thinking about their relationship and called her a selfish brat. She called him ambitionless and that she didn’t want to die in this nothing village like him. It’s a stupid fight because Jon would support Sansa if she wanted to be a deep sea fisherman in the middle of the Atlantic. He would always wait for her. And Sansa knows that Jon is not ambitionless and that his passion has always been to become a fireman and part of the Scottish national rescue team (totally made up lol), which is based near their village. But Sansa also knows she’d always regret it if she didn’t leave and travel, so it’s easier to just fight and break up. It’s easier to be mad at him than to admit how much it broke her to leave him behind. 

Sansa moves to Paris for university and pours her heart into taking internship after internship to get her name into the fashion industry. Her family come to visit her, so she never has reason to visit Scotland again. She planned to a year after she moved but she heard Jon had a new girlfriend and it hurt too much to return. She eventually becomes a fashion designer and travels around the world for her job, keeping her further and further away from Scotland. 

Jon goes to Edinburgh for university but he eventually returns to become a fireman. He did have a girlfriend, but it was never anything serious. He was still in love with Sansa then and he broke it off three months into the relationship. He stopped dating after that. He dedicated his life to his job. 

10 years pass by and Ned Stark has a heart attack. Sansa drops everything, rents her flat in Paris out and moves back home to be with her dad. She goes straight to the hospital from the train station then back home to nap, but that night, her siblings urge her to go to the pub. Jon is supposed to be there (not that she knew that) but he’s running late. Feeling overwhelmed by being back home, Sansa escapes outside just as Jon arrives. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other in 10 years and every pain and heartache is as fresh as ever. But so is the anger and resentment and sense of betrayal. They’re civil and curt to each other, but as the night wears on and the alcohol flows, Jon and Sansa eventually erupt into a drunken screaming match. Arya has to pull Sansa away and Robb and Theon take Jon elsewhere. 

Once in private, Arya demands what Sansa’s problem and that’s when Sansa breaks down and drunkenly admits that she’s never stopped loving him and that she didn’t return for so long because she was terrified of seeing him, terrified he’d never forgive her or that he’d already be with someone. She says she doesn’t think she can handle that. Arya sighs and pats Sansa’s head. The next morning, Sansa remembers nothing and Arya doesn’t bring it up. 

Meanwhile, Jon punches a wall drunkenly and hurts his hand and Robb and Theon take him back to his flat. There’s no drunken confession here, but it’s always been a well-known fact that Jon has never stopped loving Sansa. It’s why he’s been single for so long. Everyone knows he’s been waiting for her, though he probably doesn’t realise it himself. 

Jon and Sansa continue to avoid each other and/or fight when they’re together, but one night as Jon is walking through the hospital after checking up on a victim he rescued, he sees Sansa sitting by herself in the waiting room. It’s three in the morning and she’s crying. Jon comes to sit beside her and for the first time, they talk, really talk about everything except their feelings and what happened 10 years ago. A new friendship is born and they begin to learn about each other again. It’s only a matter of time before the love they had harboured for 10 years begin to really resurface, only now stronger than ever before. They’re adults now, older, more mature and more experienced, and that young love they had for each other is now something more profound, something more real and tangible, though neither wants to be the first to say anything. So they just continue to mutually pine for each other. 

Until they’re hanging out one night at Jon’s flat and Sansa confesses to Jon she’s been offered a job in Milan. The insecurities from 10 years ago begin to resurface, but he’s matured and he tells her to take it. He won’t make her feel bad about following her dreams anymore. If this is what she wants, he’ll be happy for her. Sansa never wanted the job in Milan. She could easily work in Winterfell now that she’s an established designer, but she was hoping Jon would ask her to stay. Because he didn’t, she nods and says okay. 

The time has come for her to leave. She’s not moving to Milan but she’s going for a week to meet with a client, then she’s coming back and buying a house in Winterfell. She doesn’t want to spend her life so far away from her family. But Jon doesn’t know this and as he’s sitting there with his friends, Robb decides to kick his ass into gear by falsely continuing to lead Jon to believe that Sansa is really moving away. He tells Jon that if he truly loved Sansa, he’d do whatever it takes to keep her this time. Jon says he won’t stand in her way but Arya arrives then and slaps Jon across the head. She tells him that Sansa’s never stopped loving him and that she was hoping he’d ask her to stay but since he didn’t, she’s on her way to the train station right now. Realising just how much of a fool he was, Jon races to catch up to her. 

When he sees her on the platform, he doesn’t call her name or stop to explain anything. He just walks on up and kisses her firmly and soundly on the lips. He whispers to her that he’s never stopped loving her either and that if she wants to move to Milan, he’ll come with. He says that he’ll go wherever she goes because there’s no way in hell he’s spending another 10 years away from her. Sansa’s laughing as she kisses him again. She tells him she’s going for a week and then she’s moving back and buying a house. Jon laughs and curses out her siblings, but then says don’t bother and move in with me or let’s just buy a house together because he doesn’t want to spend any time apart from her now that he has her back. 

In the end, Jon joins Sansa in Milan. It’s like a honeymoon for them and he even appears in a couple of fashion tabloids about trending fashion designer Sansa Stark and her hot mystery boyfriend. 

Sansa does move in with Jon, but they end up buying a house six months later. They marry a year later. And they never spend more than a week apart. 

[hotcocosharing]

Lose To Win Chapter 22: Can You Handle It?

Title: Lose To Win Chapter 22 Fandom: Kiss By The Baddest Bidder & Her Love In The Force Rated: Drama, Thriller, Angst, Fluff, Smut, Mystery? MPD’s OC: Mika HIJIKATA KBTBB’s OC: Mia SAKATA Characters: Goto, Kaga, Shuichi, Eisuke, Soryu, Mamoru, Baba, Ota

Summary: Soryu, Mika & Kaga had threesome, (click here to read) then one headed back to Eisuke while the other followed his target.Unpleasant surprises keep coming their ways till blood is spilled. Soryu’s shot and Kaga left him to bleed (to death, sort of). Now Eisuke watches his friend being operated by a total stranger in the middle of the VIP suite, this trip is not going well for them? Are they losing before the game has even begun?

Tagging: adrienneloves so you’d know what happens to Soryu and Mika. silver-red-rose & hifftn who’ve always been here for me :’( Thank you! I know this series is taking forever and if you’ve missed my feeds or simply want to know what happens next, let me know and I’ll tag you. Background: Mika went to the Tres Spades Hotel under Eisuke’s request. (Order) and led to seeing her ex- Hyogo Kaga. With Jin Namba’s persuasion, Eisuke agrees to work with Public Safety, going on an eight days cruise trip with Kaga, Goto and Mika. What kind of mystery and danger await? You have no idea!

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ Chapter 1: The Reunion Chapter 2: RSVP Chapter 3: Recharge Chapter 4: Welcome Back Chapter 5: Decision Of A Lifetime Chapter 6: Our Story Chapter 7: Stress Release Chapter 8: Play Thing Chapter 9: What The Three Words Mean Chapter 10: A Real Man Chapter 11: The CEO Chapter 12: Boarding Chapter 13: What Did You Wish For? Chapter 14: Don’t Tease Me Chapter 15: One Hell Of A Night Chapter 16: Feeling Lucky? Chapter 17: Left In The Past Chapter 18: Poker Face Chapter 19: To Victory Chapter 20: Wish Comes True Chapter 21: Last Apology

Chapter 22:  Can You Handle It?

“He’s alive, isn’t he?” Kaga’s appearance isn’t exactly welcome at this moment but his comment just makes it worse.

“You piece of shit!!! You left him there to die!”

All you could see is red, the blood of Soryu Oh and the rage boiling inside. You are beyond furious, shaking with fury, betrayal, and disbelief. Like being smashed by a fifty-foot high wave, unprepared. You couldn’t have seen it coming, Kaga is reckless, sure but he’s not that ruthless. Not when it comes to human lives.

“So he’s alive then.”

“Oh my god, are you even hearing yourself?”

“No, are you hearing yourself? I WAS DOING MY GOD DAMN JOB!”

“Is that what you tell yourself when you leave him there to bleed to death!?”

“Fuck sake! He was fine when I left! And he’s still breathing, isn’t he?”

You raise your hand and slap Hyogo Kaga across the face as hard as you could. A large red hand-print is now evident on his cheek, the two of you stare at each other. No one else in the room at all bothers to say another word, let out a snort or even hint what they have been thinking once Soryu has finished the surgery. Luke had returned to the suite in time and joined Mariana so Eisuke was relieved that his best friend wasn’t going to die in the middle of high sea. The blood transfusion had weakened you slightly but not nearly enough to get over your disappointment.

“What is wrong with you?”

“What is wrong with you! You’ve gone soft! If his life could save the rest of the people on this ship, I would personally end it without a blink of an eye!”

Your hand raises again, Kaga grabs and twists it a little, his voice booms through the spacious suite. 

“It’s not my problem that you two fucked or the air head is in love with you. Don’t blame this on me! I’m a public safety officer, who the hell are you!?”

Kaga’s POV

Today is one of those shitty days I particularly hate, total bust at work, man down and the ex-fiancée who I’ve recently reconciled with now wishes me dead. To top it off, I see a man waiting outside my room with an angry expression on his face.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

It’s a relief that Mr. Hijikata couldn’t raise his voice, I honestly don’t think I’d take another meltdown without punching someone in the face.

“Your action could have killed my client’s child!” I am about to swipe my key card and continue this unwanted conversation inside but the door swings open and Soryu’s puppy glares at us.

“Get lost! You are not welcome here!” Throwing my bags out the door, the young mobster quickly shuts it to our faces.

Eiji san looks sympathetic for a second before his stern expressions returns. “I’ve warned you how dangerous they are, stop jeopardizing cases and people lives. Kaga, you are not a hero. Stay away from my client.” As if things couldn’t get any worse, I pull out a pack of cigarette to only find it empty. “Oh fucking great!” “Here.” I turn to see the lazy detective offering me the one thing I crave most, “I take it that you have no place to stay? If you ain’t gonna complain about sleeping on the couch then this way.”

Kishi hasn’t said much once I’m in his suite, not that I’m in any mood to talk. “Well, keep this pack and help yourself with the mini bar. I’m gonna head back, I’d lay low if I were ya, kid. You ain’t exactly popular right now and I seriously don’t wanna deal with an actual dead body just yet.”

With a firm pat on my shoulder, he lets out a loud yawn and leaves. The headache of Namba nagging is not comparable to my rage that’s on the edge of erupting. Whoever is responsible has a hell lot to pay and they’ll be sorry for ever crossing me.

The room is filled with dead silence after Kaga has stormed out of the suite and you choose to cool down by the balcony before calling Jin.

Goto has already filled him in but you’re not happy with how the mission has gone, truth be told, no one is. 

“Keeping him out of trouble was one of your missions.” Jin says bluntly, “If we get caught up in the rights and wrongs, we lose track of the real issue.”

“The real issue is he investigates alone without sharing important information and almost causes a team member’s life!” You try to hold onto your temper, this isn’t Jin or anyone’s fault but Kaga’s.

However, Jin’s gentle reminder backfires. “We are public safety, it’s not up to us to question morality.“ 

"I am in the MPD!”

Silence.

Is he frowning? Scratching his chin likes he always does while searching for answers? “You were one of our best Mika, one of us. I remember who you were and what you’re capable of but do you? Or running away for the past few years have completely changed you?”

“You’re fighting desperately not to realize that I’m right, you don’t want to see it. This isn’t about Kaga or who the shooter is, you have made things personal.” He goes on quickly, “I wouldn’t put you on the mission if I don’t think you’d handle it.”

”You are upset, I get that and if you can’t do it, fine, withdraw from the case now or else do your job. So can you handle it or not, Mika?“

Damn him, Jin is right. You don’t want to think, the thought of losing Soryu Oh for good has terrified you. Working in homicide isn’t pretty but you don’t go to work every day worrying if any of your partners are going to make it or convince yourself that it’s alright because that’s what they sign up for. As much as you love preventing crime, it takes tremendous sacrifice to be a Public Safety Officer. Facing dead bodies and catching murderers by day with occasional one night stands by night leads a much easier life.

But Jin’s right, he often is. You’ve been running away for years and yet fate has put you back on spot, facing your fear, pushing your limits and perhaps this really is your true calling whether you like it or not.

Eisuke’s World

Meanwhile back in Eisuke’s suite, the next phase of the party is about to begin. Mia sees a black envelope in Eisuke’s hand and peeks from his side. 

{ If choosing to accept this invitation by signing below you agree to the trade of your most precious belongings for a confirmed seat at our next exclusive event- THE AUCTION. This debt will be collected at our convenience. }

An icy hot shudder runs down Mia’s spine and she’d feel the blood draining from her pale face, her breath stops short with her heart stutters a wild, frantic convulsion in her chest. 

Just how far is this going and when will it stop? She couldn’t stomach another surgery on the cruise or see anymore dying body, especially when one could be Eisuke so easily. 

She wouldn’t be able to live without him, he is her whole world so there’s only one thing left to do. She is going to stop him from going to the auction, putting an end to this nonsense before the mission costs her the love of her life.

NOTES: Is it time for Eisuke to lose? We shall see, got smut coming so I personally look forward to that ;)

[shananaomi]

2017.

Giving myself an hour on the clock to get through this, if at all possible. (ETA: Done!) 

Here’s 2016.

What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

I have such a great answer to this that I’m still not ready to write about. Ask me in person and I might tell you. Also: went to yoga fairly regularly and found I both could and wanted to lay peacefully in one pose or another for 5 or 10 minutes at a time.

Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

We did in fact #GetFitToFightFascism, or anyway on days when I didn’t know how else to treat the creeping anxiety I got up and hiked to the Observatory or somewhere else so ridiculously stunning that I felt slightly reassured we’d live another day. We were determined to see our BFF Jamie every Saturday night and except for weekends when one of us or the other was out of town or we had plans already for the weekend we had a near-perfect attendance record. And though I didn’t think I wrote that much, I got enough out in TinyLetter (now backposted at Medium) to add up to a decent Twitter thread last week. 

I always feel like next year should maybe be its own post, but for now I’m thinking about: Writing, always. Reading more. And finding a way to host maybe monthly dinners for small groups of our friends at home.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

My childhood best friend’s daughter was born on New Year’s Day 2017 and we finally got to meet her last week. She is able to reach for and drink from a glass of beer so I think she’ll be just fine.

What countries did you visit?

This was a year between big adventures out of the country, but we just booked a February getaway to Puerto Vallarta to celebrate the 10th anniversary of our first date. Went back and forth to New York a few times, plus a quickie up to SF for work.

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

Confidence the pendulum will in fact swing back from fascism.

What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I guess the run from January 19 (Hamilton) to January 20 (bus trip from NYC to DC, with the worst possible welcome from post-Inaugural attendees) to January 21 (meeting up with so many old friends at the Women’s March). The rest is still vividly sharp but not so much tied to any specific date.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving it with some semblance of hope. Making the move to a better, bigger place in Pasadena. Leading a loyal and devoted staff through a major corporate transition and many other hard challenges.

What was your biggest failure?

I have never done anything as hard as being a boss lady, and I’m still not sure most days I’ve left things at least better than I found them.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

For the first 9 months or so I got super sick every single goddamned month: a recurring case of America, I called it.  Overall I’ve been very lucky.

What was the best thing you bought?

The peace of mind that privilege allows when you need to pay your way out of a loud, anxiety-ridden neighborhood for the quieter (at least most days) and more serene outskirts of town. A weekly outlet and focus for my physical stress in the form of the most amazing personal trainer. A 40th birthday blowout weekend that included renting the most ridiculous house (as seen when CJ fell into the pool in The West Wing), hosting a dinner party and then pool party for so many of our friends and family.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My wife’s, always. Because all I do these days is listen to Kesha, I’ve been thinking about these lines:

I know forever don’t exist But after this life, I’ll find you in the next So when I say “forever,” it’s the goddamned truth

Where did most of your money go?

The house and moving into it, the car, the trainer, the birthday celebrations.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Did I?

We discovered Two Bunch Palms, an old getaway near Palm Springs that soothed my soul in quiet calm ways I hadn’t realized could be so close at hand or that I needed so much. This year’s LA Pride parade became a protest and was the most joyous and community-filled day like that we’ve felt in a long, long time.

What song will always remind you of 2017?

This fairly goes to Kesha’s “Praying,” but since I already wrote a whole thing about that, I’ll say Julia Michaels’ “Don’t Wanna Think,” in part because I listened to it on repeat for so many hours in a row while flying back and forth from New York that it’s kind of embedded in my subconscious: I’m not really one for drinking songs, but — fuck it, here it comes. Heartbreak is annoying, and I’ll feel it in the morning. Swallow it down like a bitter pill. At least it will taste better than this feeling will. I don’t like myself when I’m just standing still.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier, though I’d say that’s grading on a goddamned curve for real.

ii. thinner or fatter? About the same, if trimmer and stronger in some places.

iii. richer or poorer? Close to a draw here, more or less.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

I was happiest when I was hiking, reading, sitting quietly on the couch with my wife and dog. I did a decent amount of all that but it was still to keep my head above water.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Be on the goddamned internet. But I’m also aware that finding the right balance between awareness and mindfulness and rest and action is the most pervasive and elusive self-care challenge for literally everyone I know, so I’m trying hard not to give myself a hard time about it. And there’s probably something here to say about the betrayal and pain that came from incorrectly trusting people to be their best selves instead of being undeserving of the benefit of the doubt but I am working so fucking hard at leaving that behind in 2017.

How did you spend Christmas?

In Reno with my family and friends, bouncing between two houses full of other people’s people (and mine) and a lot of very rich and exotic meats and liquors. The last couple years have been really hard and not well-balanced or rejuvenating visits, and this year was much better if still not without its own drama.

What was your favorite TV program?

New: Star Trek: Discovery was almost everything I needed in a show this year. Also I loved The Arrangement and found it way smarter and more complicated and fucked up than I’d expected.

New to me: I was only a little late on Riverdale but found it very enjoyable.

Oldies but Goodies: Also I watched a lot of older Star Trek, from TOS to the early movies. Everyone keeps saying next week need to do DS9, so I guess that’s the kind of geek I am proudly now.

What friends did you make or meet this year for the first time?

All but one were not new but I really loved our all-girl get-togethers to watch hockey even when we barely paid attention to it.

What was the best book you read?

I didn’t make a real resolution about reading more but boy did I. It’s just so much better than being in the world or on the internet. The ones that really stand out are Queen of the Night by Alexander Chee (not from this year, but my fave read from it), John Green’s Turtles All the Way Down, and Amy Bloom’s White Houses, which comes out in a couple months. If we’re not already GoodReads friends come find me there—I’m terrible at writing reviews but I find it super helpful personally to know what y’all have read and liked?

What did you want and get?

A new house.

What did you want and not get?

A Japanese wooden soaking tub of my very own. (See below.)

What was your favorite film of this year?

We just saw Call Me By Your Name last night and now I can’t think of anything else. Though I’d say the sheer joy of Wonder Woman is still a solid contender.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 40, and I took 5 days to basically do only what I wanted, and it did the exact trick I’d hoped for: I just enjoyed it instead of ruthlessly evaluating what I haven’t done with my life.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? What political issue stirred you the most? Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I am going to charitably say the answer to all three of these is both obvious and tiresome. Be better, 2018.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Lots of jumpsuits and DVF, all courtesy a Rent the Runway Unlimited subscription, which also falls under where all my money went but was a ton of fun and practical in many ways too.

What kept you sane?

Remembering how many amazing women are already in my life and know exactly what I mean even when I can barely say it out loud.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ugh, this one feels too much like work and also like tempting fate.

Who did you miss?

For the first time in a while there were frankly some people who I miss greatly but was glad didn’t have to live through this shit themselves.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

Just because it could have been worse doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be better.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Here’s what I wrote about 3 songs that shaped my 2017. I don’t think I can do much better in one quote.

What’s one photo that sums up your year?

[dezzyparrish]

Rambo, John J. ! (all 5 of the Bloods)

... This is not a review.  This is more of a rant.  Content Warning.  This post is going to have so many bad things in it.  Racism, mysogyny, graphic violence, rape, forced drug use, post-traumatic stress, torture, war, and hate.  I can’t stress this enough and I’m serious, there is some seriously ugly shit that I’m discussing. Don’t read if you don’t want it in your brain.

I also might need to get better at my Content Warnings, when I’m nervous I try to be entertaining, and the above elements are not entertaining subjects.

I saw Rambo: Last Blood while Physically Distancing (I misspelled that Psychically Distancing and it’s kind of appropriate too!)

If you have not seen this movie, don’t.  It leaves a stain on your soul.  I’ve been worried about even writing about it, because in the writing, I’m giving it attention and as POTUS45 has shown us in SPADES for the past 4 years plus, Bad Attention is just as good as Good Attention.

Sigh.  I hate this. It’s just a matter of time that someone is gonna discover this blog and give me shit.

So, the Rambo flicks.  I watched the first four. Except for the first movie, First Blood, they’re all mediocre to bad movies, but fun.  First Blood is a good movie, it deserves all the credit it gets.

I watched the trailers for Last Blood and was really interested in this movie.  It looked like a book-end to the long (damn near 40 year) story of Captain John Rambo.  When we meet John, he’s a drifter, a Vietnam Veteran only a few years out of his war.  He’s hitch-hiking and visiting his old brothers-in-arms from the war, finding that, over the years many have died, others are in the same PTSD place he’s lived in.  We learn, by “drifter”, we mean “homeless”.  He wanders into the wrong small town, the sheriff and his deputies arrest him, abuse him, trigger his trauma as a Special Forces soldier and a Prisoner of War, and Rambo snaps and falls into his dark and scary mental spot where he is *back* in the Jungle fighting for his life.  The movie ends with the Sheriff’s office destroyed, the Sheriff machinegunned by an M-60 and bleeding out on the roof, and John’s old unit Commander, Colonel Trautman talking him back to reality and the present world.  John gives a monologue that gives powerful voice to the injustice, frustrations and rage of the soldiers who came home from Vietnam only to find that they couldn’t really come home.  This was in 1982, and as a society, the US was still wrestling with the divide over Vietnam, First Blood is fully in the “Vets are forgotten and hated by their country” camp.  My personal politics have evolved over the decades but even today as a long-haired pinko almost-Commie in California I still find it powerful.  This is John Rambo’s first story, he came home from war and found no peace, no end to his war.

Rambo: First Blood part II went from a drama with a little action to a full blown blockbuster style action flick.  Trautman recruits John from jail (since.. in the first film he destroys a town, and shoots the shit out of everything) for a special mission to return to Vietnam and win the war by saving forgotten POWs.  First Blood part II is two hours of explosions, stabbity, arrow grenades, strafing the ground from a helicopter, betrayal from the CIA, Russkies!  blood, blood and more blood.  First Blood part II really establishes the franchise as movies that aren’t very deep and John Rambo as an Action Superhero (with an Action figure toy line and a Saturday Morning Cartoon).  It’s “fun!” and ridiculous.   Rambo kills the Bad Guy (TM) by shooting him *WITH AN EXPLODING ARROW*, blowing Bad Guy to Hell in a shower of gobbity bits.  John Rambo’s second story, he starts in social isolation (prison), gets dragged back into War, then ends up walking into the distance searching for peace.  Remember that, it’s gonna come back over and over again.

Rambo III finds John in a Monastery somewhere in the world trying to find peace.  Trautman finds him (which is another recurring theme.. no matter where John goes in the world, War finds him and drags him back) and recruits him to fight the Russians in Afghanistan.  John refuses and Trautman has to start the secret mission on his own, and is captured by the Soviets, drawing Rambo into the conflict.  We’re gonna pause right here to bring up some history and some theming..

Rambo III tried to pay off on two real life promises.  The first is a theme in the franchise.  First Blood was about Vietnam, which the Soviets are indirectly referred to as a power using the war as a proxy for the US.  The Soviets are at this point are indirectly an antagonist.  In First Blood Part II, we see a Russian Spetznaz (spelling) “advising” the Vietnamese army on how best to use all those American prisoners.  The Soviets aren’t the main antagonist of Part II, but they make an appearance.  Rambo III pays this off by finally squaring Rambo off directly against the Red Army in a slug-fest.  The Hollywood version of the prize-fight war between the United States and the USSR for the SUPERPOWER CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRRLD!  hypehypehype!  Rambo III also makes a second promise because in 1989 the Soviet Union was fighting a 10 year long Guerilla War against the Mujahidin in Afghanistan.  The US was supporting the Mujahidin fighters with support and modern weapons, tipping the balance against the Red Army.  Rambo III was supposed to be the cinematic Call to Arms for the US to enter Afghanistan and throw a knock-out blow against the hated Russians.  Except, in 1989, just before the movie was released, the Soviets *withdrew* from Afghanistan.  They ended the war and went home.  There was an historic profession of the last column of Soviet Tanks crossing back into the USSR, and in the last tank, the Red Army Commander was the last soldier to pull out in defeat.  Before Rambo III was released, but after it was made.  So that movie flopped.  It was a call-to-arms for a war that was over.

CONTENT WARNING: HARD CORE RACISM HERE

Ok, back from that aside. Rambo III starts to get more cringy, but we’re still in the ‘80s, almost the ‘90s and This was Reagan’s America as it became Poppy Bush’s New World Order.  So, John Rambo coming to Afghanistan and becoming a better Afghani than the people who live there is pretty par-for-the course.  I mean there’s a scene where John plays Horse Soccer with all the fighters and using a severed goat head as the ball.  Bloody, severed goat head. (Message: Brown People in other parts of the world are unsophisticated, and savage.)  John almost single handedly wins the sport for his team and is accepted as one of the fighters.. all the Mujahidin surround him with cheers and congratulate him in broken English.. because again, when you are in your home freaking country playing your own sport, you must try to appease the American Demigod by only talking to him in English, the language of Awesome!  There’s more wartime violence and torture with shooting, and stabbity and explosions.  

At one point John is wounded (OH NO) and has to crawl into a cave by himself.. bleeding and dying. He pours the powder from a bullet into his wound and lights it on fire to cauterize it. He’s all better after the scene transition.  Everything is good. Then goes back to killing Russians, rescuing Trautman and winning the proxy war against the hated Commie Red Russians.  This is John Rambo’s third story, he starts in social isolation, is dragged back into war, and ends up walking into the distance looking for peace.

John Rambo, Rambo IV is more of the same.  it’s the first Rambo movie I didn’t see in theatres but, I did cue it up the first time I saw it pop on to the streaming networks.  It starts the same way that al the previous installments do.  John Rambo living a solitary life, trying to come to grips with his life.  This time he’s back in Southeast Asia when some Christian Missionaries contact him to serve as a guide into Myanmar (which was in the midst of a Civil War).  John warns them off and refuses the offer.  The Missionaries go anyway and vanish into the jungle, taken prisoner by the Army (strongly implied if not outright mentioned, I honestly can no longer recall, of the Real World Authoritarian Totalitarian Government that siezed power at that time).  Rambo is once again pulled into a war to save the White Christian Missionaries from the Evil Heathen People. 

CONTENT WARNING - RACISM, MYSOGENY, RAPE and GRAPHIC VIOLENCE.

During the movie, somewhere in Act 2, we see the Missionary Woman prisoner of the Army, locked in a little bamboo cell just like the ones in the Vietnamese POW camp in First Blood Part II.  In comes the guard to get himself some rapin’ done.  Leering and laughing, the woman terrified.. and just as the music gets to it’s most menacing, guard gasps in surprise and Rambo’s beefy hand grabs his throat from the darkness.  Then, over the next 20 seconds, John Rambo digs his fingers into the guy’s throat, blood gushing and going everywhere, then Rambo tears his god damn throat out.  With his bare hand.  Rambo has murdered his way through two and a half movies by this point we’ve watched countless faceless goons, soldiers and thugs shot, stabbed, blown up, gunned down.  In fact the only movie where John Rambo doesn’t commit mass murder is First Blood.  One guy dies, by accident, by his own foolishness and John doesn’t kill him, dude falls out of his helicopter.  There’s an argument that the sheriff dies of his wounds, but if he did it was off-screen after the credits and we see him wheeled out by paramedics. But this poor bastard.. rapey guard, we get to linger on his very bloody, excruciating death for 20 fucking seconds.  I mean at least the previous 400 guys died fast.  During the Escape of Act 3, Rambo commandeers a mounted heavy machine gun in a truck and turns it on the pursuing soldiers.  This is a huge gun, an old Soviet anti-aircraft weapon designed to shoot down Attack Helicopters and the first thing Rambo does is turn it on the poor guy in the drivers seat of the truck  like a foot and a half away from the muzzle and vaporize him (at least he went fast, if gruesomely), then turns the gun on the soldiers, who attack in waves and we get a montage of dudes getting blown to little bitty pieces by a Heavy Machine gun.  Missionaries saved, woman’s virtue preserved, lesson learned (don’t spread the white man’s faith to godless heathens in a war zone).  and John Rambo walks into the distance, looking for peace.

CONTENT WARNING - EVERYTHING

Rambo V: Last Blood had some promise.  I saw the trailers and they showed John back in the US, on a farm, with a family.  I was looking forward to the book-end of John Rambo’s story.  One last fight for an old soldier.  John would likely die in the end, he’s mortal man after all, and looking back through the movie history, he had to be seventy or more by the time this movie opens.

HOOO BOY WAS I WRONG

Look, I’ve spent a LOT of words giving context in detail of the four previous movies, and I’ve been critical of all of them.  But even the most problematic of the Rambo Movies, there was a break in the cringe.  Maybe they’re a product of the time in which they were made, maybe it was that the violence just became cartoon-silly after a while.  The Rambo movies were.. fun.  Stupid, hyperviolent, problematic fun, but there’s a whole pop-culture subgenre of making silly references to Rambo.  From Hot Shots to Tropic Thunder, a thousand short comedy skits.  This movie though.

I can’t go into detail like I did earlier.  It’s that bad.  But John Rambo has finally found a home in the Southwest of America.  His Country has taken him back in.  He is a father-figure to a daughter who is on the verge of going to college.  He breaks in horses like a cowboy.   He has a tunnel complex dug beneath the whole of the property where he has every personal weapon known to mankind and a forge where he blacksmiths knives and a damascus steel letter opener as a “go to college present for said young adult adopted daughter.

Girl learns of her birth father in Mexico, just across the border.  Daddy Rambo warns her not to go “You don’t know the DARKNESS in men’s hearts, I do”.  Girl ignroes Dad (of course) and goes in search of birth Dad.  Mexico in this movie is a Brietbart/ Alt-right Nightmare of unwashed hordes on our doorstep. Tragedy strikes, birth father is a slimeball, girl is kidnapped, cartels are evil, huaman trafficking, graphic violence, forced drug use, and rape.  Rambo goes in to save girl and murders his way through dozens of thugs, using anything at hand.  He finds girl, takes her home and she dies on the way back, from an overdose of drugs and all the torment.

John Rambo returns to Mexico and takes his vengeance.  It’s like an ‘80s slasher flick except the camp counselors aren’t innocent teenagers but harden cartel gang members and we’re expected to root for the Killer.  This draws the rest of the Cartel Soldiers back to John at his farm as act 3 opens.  Entering the United States through a Tunnel, kitting up like a Fortnite Group and heading out.

There is 10 solid minutes of Carnage filmed with the most skill and care that the film-makers, including Sylvester Stallone who has now a 44 year career of movie making under his belt.

John has a closing voice over monologue after killing the Last Bad Guy (TM). The last scene is John Rambo rocking on his front porch musing about how he will *ALWAYS* defend his country against all its enemies.  He Lives.  There’s an opening for a Sequel.

I had to shower.  its been continuing to bounce around in my head, which is why I’m writing it down here.  Rambo: Last Blood, in ANY OTHER UNIVERSE would be nothing more than an underground film passed around White Power rallies, “here’s your copy of the Turner Diaries, Hitlers speeches, and watch this bruthr”.  It seems like I might have went on for a long time when I started out that I couldn’t add details, I didn’t.  This was without details.

So, avoid this movie.  Just. Save yourself the stain in your brain and not watch this movie.

[ikonxmx]

I’ll be Waiting | Donghyuk x Reader x Wonho [M]

“Straighten things out on that end first… I don't think I can date you while knowing you're still sleeping with him.” Hoseok says sincerely.

word count: 5,870 (give or take)

Warnings: There’s a bunch of smut in a bunch of different places.

can i request a scenario? the reader is dating donghyuk. he comes and go from the reader's apartment and the reader is into him and believes to be in love, but apparently he's not. He's not bad, but they only have a phisical relationship and they don't talk that much. wonho is the boy of next door (literally) and he gets to know the reader while donghyuk isn't there and they become closer and fond of each other and it gets messy. Thank you so much I hope this is ok for you <3

Donghyuk: Can I come over? seen ✓

Usually, you'd respond in seconds eager to see the man you believe to be the love of your life, but you can't seem to get yourself to type a reply. You lean against a wall that's rattling, the vibrations from whatever house beat the DJ has decided to play, shaking artwork in the dimly lit hallway. What club has artwork anyway? No one is going to stop and analyze the symbolism of two aliens holding a brain with an eyeball while they're on their way to take a piss.

Your phone dings again and you look down to see another text from Donghyuk.

Donghyuk: Too busy tonight? Then let's hang out tomorrow, yeah? seen ✓

You don't even like clubs. Coming here was your friend’s idea. A guy she's been dating casually for a few weeks now decided to throw himself a birthday party and she refused to come alone. Of course, she'd ditched you in favor of him the moment you two walked in. You can't really blame her. He's an attractive guy with a great body and an adorable smile. Had you been in her shoes, you would've chosen his company over yours as well.

Since you were here anyway, you decided having a couple of drinks wouldn't be a bad idea. Three shots of tequila and a shot of vodka later, and you were still sat at the bar bored out of your wits. Men had offered to sit with you, but you'd firmly declined each of them stating you were already taken. Which you are.

Donghyuk is your boyfriend. Well... the closest thing you have to one. Essentially, he's just a fuck buddy. He calls or texts you during late hours asking to visit and often disappears before sunrise. You don't think much of it, though. He's busy, and you're understanding. Tonight had thrown you for a loop, though. Even in your slightly inebriated haze, you could make out your “boyfriend’s” figure stepping through the double doors of the clubs entrance. He had a smile plastered on his face as he greeted person after person before making his way to the V.I.P section and hugging the birthday boy. A girl then excitedly ran into his arms. He laughed a bit before pulling her away to see her face. His smile widens before he dips down to connect his lips to hers for a quick peck.

He kissed her.

Watching the scene made your stomach turn. Donghyuk sleeping with other people had never crossed your mind. You'd agreed to a no-strings-attached relationship, but for your protection and his, you refused to sleep with anyone besides him. At least that's the excuse you tell yourself. It's a damn good excuse too. You figured he'd be smart and do the same. Now you aren't so sure. Gosh, what if he caught something from someone else and gave it to you?

Underneath the anger and betrayal you felt, there's heartache. You've been in love with Donghyuk for some time now. You've been completely sure about your feelings for four months and planned on telling him on the one year anniversary of your little sex agreement… two weeks from now. Your heart broke into a million tiny pieces seeing him so nonchalant as he kissed someone that wasn't you. As he embraced her warmly, like he does when he hasn't seen you in a couple of weeks, everything around you seemed to shatter. Before you could break down, completely lose your sanity, and confront him, you made an escape to the bathroom.

Now as you stand looking at his messages your anger has disappeared. He wasn't planning on sleeping with the girl. He was trying to see you. Maybe you'd read into things wrong and it wasn't everything it seemed to be. Donghyuk isn't an idiot and you don't have to worry about getting any STDs from some girl he's fucked in a bathroom or backseat. (You'll still get things checked to be safe.)

You: Out with a friend right now, heading home soon though. Meet me in 30 minutes? delivered ✓

He's still the love of your life, and you'll do anything to spend even a moment's time with him. Besides, if he's with you tonight he'll have no time to be with that girl. The one who he kissed. His lips and body will be yours for the night and you plan on reminding him why he doesn't need anyone else. Your phone dings again with another new message

Donghyuk: Okay :) seen ✓

You send a quick text announcing your departure to your friend so that she doesn't worry and make your way out through the back door so Donghyuk doesn't see you leaving.

Catching a taxi is rather easy since the club hasn't ended and let out. There's no clump of drunk girls stumbling to beat other drunk girls to taxis and no problem giving your address to the warm taxi driver who politely reminds you to wear your seat belt and asks if you're comfortable before taking off.

There's no traffic on the street and you make it to your apartment complex in a short ten minutes. You quickly hop in the shower to rinse off the smell of the club making sure to keep your makeup intact. Once you get out you brush your teeth freshen it up, pressing a bit of powder into your t-zone and reapply the red lipstick you'd worn all night. 20 minutes passed so quickly. You sat on your living room couch waiting for Donghyuk to make his appearance. Another 10 minutes goes by before you hear light taps against your front door. You stand but halt so he doesn't think you were waiting for him. During the second round of the light tapping, you make your way to the door and answer with a small smirk.

“You're late.” You say as you pull a smiling Donghyuk in by the collar of his shirt.

“I know, I'm sorry. I was out too and had a little trouble getting a taxi.” He answers. You know it's a lie because you'd gotten one no problem but you don't think much of it. He probably just got held up telling people bye or something.

You shut the door behind Donghyuk and connect your lips to his. He responds quickly, brushing your lips against each other’s in a heated kiss. You pull back a bit and let your tongue swipe across his upper lip before pulling the bottom one into your mouth and sucking it lightly. Donghyuk groans and lets his hands fall to your hips. The touch is feather light but still sends small tremors through your system. Your sex heats up, the thought of what's to come making you damp down below.

The kiss continues, lips parting and tongues connecting in a fierce battle for dominance, rolling over each other in a rather sloppy fashion. Your teeth click together every now and then and you can only imagine how absolutely disgusting this must look, dissimilar to how it feels. Donghyuk's mouth and tongue moving against your own is your heaven. His lips are soft and swell to a nice plumpness the more you nip and suck at them and you wouldn't have them any other way. They're Donghyuk’s lips and that's the only reason why you love them so much.

You pull back from the kiss to pull air into your aching lungs. Breathing through your nose can only bring so much air in during your aroused state. Donghyuk pants against your lips a little out of breath himself. Breathing the air he's put out makes your head swim, the dizzy feeling only fueling your sexual desire.

Without another thought, you sink to your knees in front of Donghyuk. One of his hands quickly finds the nape of your neck and his thumb gently caresses your cheek. The gesture is sweet. You hurriedly rush to rid him of his belt. The moment you've got it undone you're rubbing him through his jeans, panting near the thick material, working to get him harder.

“Shit.” He breathes bucking lightly into your palm.

You smirk and unbutton his jeans. Once you've got the zipper down you yank them a bit to get them from directly around his hips and pull his semi-hard dick from the confines of his boxers.

You pump him in your hand a few times and watch as he grows the veins on his length getting more and more prominent as your calculated movements continue. You hear him hiss from above you when you sweep your tongue over his slit, licking up the bulb of precum that's formed there. Pleased with his reaction you swipe your tongue across him again, this time up the most prominent vein on his bulging shaft.

Donghyuk's hand tightens against your nape. You search his eyes with the most innocent look you can muster, your bottom lip caught between your teeth and your eyes wide.

He sighs, “Please… stop playing with me.” He mewls and loosens his grip.

“Should I stop? I thought you like when I'm a bad girl.” You tease.

“I do, but I really need to be in your mouth.”

You smirk at your small victory but give into his plea and engulf his length with your mouth. He sighs at the feeling, caressing your cheek with his thumb once again as he watches his cock disappear into the warm cavern of your mouth.

“Yeah, just like that baby girl,” He rasps as you take as much of his length as you can and swallow around it. “Fuck.” He groans when you sputter for air.

He leads your mouth back to his length, bucking his hips to chase the warmth and holding you still when he bottoms out in your mouth. He moans softly when you choke against his length before pulling you back, letting you gasp in all the air you can, and repeating the process. He's always liked fucking your mouth. You're not sure what it is but for some reason seeing you choke against his cock turns him on more than anything else ever can.

“Fuck baby, get up. I want you to ride me.” He husks letting go of your neck and almost losing his balance.

You let him out of your mouth with a lewd pop before standing on your feet and helping guide his pleasure filled figure to your couch.

You take off the satin robe you're wearing to reveal your naked form underneath. Donghyuk bites his lip in approval before reaching out and grabbing your hips. He pulls you toward him and smiles when you fall onto his lap, your naked crotch connecting with his hardened member. Donghyuk moves one of his hands from your hips to grab his erection. He rubs the tip back and forth between your wetness and you moan in response, arching your back forward and throwing your head backward.

“Look at you, so wet for me. I didn't even touch you.” He smirks, cockiness dripping from his cool tone.

Your breath hitches, the dirty words obviously having their intended effect.

Donghyuk places his tip against your entrance and looks at you expectantly. You say nothing and lower yourself onto him. The stretch brings small jolts of pain, but you gladly welcome them knowing the pleasure that'll come. Donghyuk’s thick length fills you up in the familiar way you've become accustomed to over the past 12 months. You moan and he grunts when he finally bottoms out, his entire length filling you deliciously. You sit still waiting on your body to adjust before lifting your hips experimentally. The stretch is still a bit much so you lower your hips again and wait awhile longer.

Donghyuk grabs your face and connects your lips to his in another heated kiss. You loosen your tense body and melt into it. He takes the opportunity to flex his hips up into your heat burying himself further inside of you. You bite his lip in surprise but moan as he continues letting his hips drop and then pushing them back up to delve into your heat once again. You moan out in pleasure and work to meet his thrust, pushing down as he pushes up and vice versa. Donghyuk throws his head back and shuts his eyes rather tightly gradually allowing the pace to quicken.

You purposely clench your walls around his length and draw out a broken “Fuck” from his clenched teeth. He bites his lip and rolls his head til it's facing down and he can see his dick sliding in and out of you. The lip pops from between his teeth and his mouth hangs open, loud pants rushing past his lips.

“Look at you, taking all my cock like a good girl,” Donghyuk growled in your ear before letting the hand on your hip grip much tighter and forcing you to move faster.

You moan again as his dick rubs against your g-spot, the squishy flesh enjoying the stimulation causes an involuntary squeeze of your walls against Donghyuk.

“You like that don't you baby? You love taking my cock.” He growls once again lightly slapping your ass afterward.

He'd learned pretty early on that you're a fan of dirty talk and never failed to implement it in your sex life. Your body’s response is always enjoyable. A moan here, a whimper there, or you sex clenching around Donghyuk's dick, which is undoubtedly his favorite.

With his own climax approaching Donghyuk dips his free hand between the two of you and plays with your clit in hopes of pushing you to yours first. You buckle, the steady pace you'd manage to keep slowly turning sloppy as your climax approaches. Donghyuk continues to whisper dirty words and praises in your ear. “C’mon and cum for me baby. Be a good girl and cum on my cock.” He purs repeatedly against the shell of your ear.

With a loud moan, you're rocketing over the edge, fire pools in your abdomen as your hips shakily continue to buck down onto Donghyuk's throbbing cock in hopes of prolonging the pleasure.

Donghyuk grunts, his own climax rushing through him. He pushes your hips down one last time before holding them still and coming deep inside your sex. He grunts as spurt after hot spurt of his cum coats your still pulsing walls.

The two of you pant having trouble catching your breath. When you finally do, you giggle and lift yourself from him.

“Well, that was amazing.” You smile and raise yourself completely from his lap.

“Yeah. It was.” Donghyuk smiles.

“Come to bed?” You ask grabbing his hand.

He nods and stands up a smile still on his face. “Only for a little while. I have somewhere to be early tomorrow.”

Honestly, where does he have to be so early on a Saturday? You want to ask but you refrain. Since you're not really his girlfriend, it's not really your business. You'll take what you can have until you are. Even if it's just a couple of hours.

BANG BANG BANG

You were always a lightweight when it came to alcohol. It didn't take much to get you drunk, and you have pretty much the worst hangovers ever. The four shots you'd had at the bar were enough. You were drunk but not shit faced, and still completely coherent. Had you left it there, you would've been fine. But you'd stupidly decided to drown your sorrows in a bottle of tequila after Donghyuk left at 3:30 in the morning.

BANG BANG BANG

You groan and close your pillow over your head in hopes of muffling the incessantly loud banging coming from the wall shared between you and your next door neighbor.

BANG BANG BANG BANG

Upset, you lash out throwing the pillow from your head and the cover from your body. You stand up and make your way to the wall.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

You send back and pause. You wait to see if your neighbor will continue on. When it doesn't seem like they will, you make your way back to your bed. No more than five minutes pass before the banging starts again. Just a bit slower. You groan and hop up once again, this time you put on your shoes and head out the door.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

You send the meaningful hits to the center of their door.

“One second!” A male voice calls. The door is swung open just a short few seconds later. The man standing before you now has got to be one of the most beautiful beings you've ever had the pleasure of beholding. The smile he's got on his face is so bright it almost helps to further your headache, and you squint in hopes of shielding your retinas. When that doesn't do much you opt to place a hand just above your eyebrows to block the light. The other naturally lands on your hip.

“Can I help you?” The man asks still smiling.

You sigh, “Going slower doesn't make it any less loud, you know?”

His lips form a small ‘o’ shape, “I'm sorry, I just really need to get these pictures hung up.”

“It can't wait even just a little while… people are trying to rest at this time.”

“I'm sorry I thought everyone would be up by 3 pm.”

You blink, “What time is it?”

He pulls his phone from his back pocket and checks. “3:11 right now.” He says before placing it where it had been.

The hand above your eyebrow collapses and you cover your eyes in embarrassment. “I'm sorry. I was… drinking last night.”

“Oh! That explains.” He laughs. “Why don't You come in for some coffee and maybe sober up a little? Promise I'll stop with the hammer.”

You laugh. Honestly, he could've taken you coming here way worse. It'd be different if it were 6 a.m. on a Monday and you were in the last bouts of your sleep, but at three in the afternoon on a Saturday he had every right to assume his neighbors would be up and get whatever housework he needed to done.

Removing your hand from your eyes you nod, “Coffee sounds awesome.”

He’s nothing but a gentleman, as he leads you into his apartment and gives you a small tour. Although the layout is very similar to your own, the color schemes are different his light and dark gray a big contrast from your white and tan. It fits the space well. He has silver and white ornaments strategically planted in different areas. They’re cute and make the space feel more inviting. You take everything in as he leads you back to the kitchen.

“Go ahead and have a seat. I'll get you some coffee.” He says with the same smile he'd answered the door with.

You send back a small smile of your own before hopping up onto a stool at his breakfast bar.

“What's your name neighbor?” You ask.

He turns around to face you for a second, “Hoseok. And yours?” You tell him and he nods. “Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

You push a small chuckle through your nose, “That was cheesy.”

He laughs, “It was honest… I'm hoping I wasn't crossing any boundaries by saying it, though. I don't need a crazy boyfriend trying to chop my neck off.”

You return the laugh, “Don't worry. He's not crazy.”

Hoseok nods and turns fully with two cups of coffee in his hand, “But he does exist?” He asks as he hands you a mug. You accept the drink and take a small sip before nodding. He sighs, “Too bad.” He says before taking a sip of his own.

2 weeks later

“Look I'm sorry but-” Donghyuk starts and you don't bother to let him finish.

“It's fine!” You say raising from your seat beside him and quickly grabbing the glasses of wine you'd poured after the two of you had finished the meal you cooked and a shared slice of the cake you'd baked. “It was stupid I was just…” you say and stop.

It wasn't stupid. Your feelings are valid and you love him more than you've ever loved another man in your life, but after being rejected… what can you really say? What can you do to save face here? Nothing. So you stop your sentence and make your way to your kitchen sink. You pour the wine out and sigh. Your body tenses feelings a pair of arms wrap loosely around your waist

“We’ve got a great thing going here,” Donghyuk says against the shell of your ear and your shiver from the feeling, your body reacting how it normally would to his close proximity. You sigh and tilt your head to the side allowing his now roaming lips access to your neck. “Why go and ruin it with titles?”

Titles… they don't ruin anything for you. You've more or less been living as if you were his girlfriend for the past year. You ignored any other man that made an effort to get close to you in favor of Donghyuk. You waited for his calls at ungodly hours of the night in hopes of spending a sliver of time with him. You put your happiness aside for his with the hope that one day… he would love you how you love him. He would see how much you mean to him and the two of you could have an actual relationship, one not confined between the hours of 11 pm and 3 am. That doesn't seem to be the case though. He doesn't want that at all. And so your choices have turned to:

1. Live with it.

Or

2. Leave.

As Donghyuk's kisses trail down your neck you aren't sure of what your decision will be. You go through the works of sex with each other. Foreplay followed by great sex that leads to a mind numbing orgasm. But this time as he finishes and falls limply beside you, you say nothing.

Donghyuk looks at you expectantly, “That was great, right?”

You turn to him with a smile, bite your lip and nod.

He sighs and slowly starts to shut his eyes, the post-orgasm bliss ridding him of any energy he'd had, but his eyes shoot open when your next words pass your lips:

“When are you leaving?” You ask softly.

He eyes you a bit confused, you always want him to stay and sleep beside you after the two of you are done having sex.

“I’m uh…” he starts and shakes his head trying to rid himself of his sleepy state. “Why?”

“I have somewhere to be early in the morning.” You repeat the words he'd told you a short two weeks ago.

On a Saturday? Donghyuk questions to himself with a raised eyebrow. “Where are you going early on a Saturday?” He asks out loud.

“Why does it matter?” You laugh.

Very true. Why does it matter? Donghyuk’s not too sure why and he doesn't have time to read into it.

“I guess I can leave now.” He says raising himself from your bed with the little energy he does have. “Am I seeing you tomorrow?” He asks a bit unsure of where you two stand. This is the first time you've ever kicked him out.

“Sure,” You smile. “Just call me.”

Donghyuk nods and dresses slower than he normally would. Once he's done he looks at your relaxed form laying in the covers, your eyes closed shut and your breathing even. He sighs and makes his way out of your front door.

Your eyes pop open when you hear the door shut. You're still unsure of what your decision will be, but you know whatever you choose, you'll have to remove your heart from the equation. No more cuddling after sex. No more begging him to stay the night. Nothing that could make you get the wrong idea. The idea that your relationship is anything but sexual, it can't cross your mind again.

You get up and clean yourself and your bed. You make quick work of replacing the sheets, cover, and even the pillow cases. Don't leave anything with his scent on it. You make your way to your kitchen for a glass of water, but upon seeing the half drunken bottle of wine opt for a glass of it instead. A soft hum catches your attention. It's muffled and you can't 100% make out what it is, but it fills your silent apartment. You move closer to the sound and find it's coming from the other side of the wall you and Hoseok share. He's singing. It's soft and you can't really pick up what the tune is, but his voice sounds nice, soothing really. You raise your fist and lightly tap against the wall. His singing stop instantly and you let out a laugh. The small knock gets returned and you smile.

“Want to come over and drink with me?” You somewhat shout, just loud enough for him to hear it.

“Do you have a drinking problem?” His muffled voice throws back.

You laugh, “I don't. I've just got a bottle of wine from dinner and no clue how to close it.”

“Well as long as I'm not contributing to the enabling of your addiction… I guess a glass of wine wouldn't hurt.”

You smile and move to unlock your door. You leave it wide open so he can enter as he pleases. A minute later Hoseok is walking through and taking a quick look around. “You sure do go all out for dinner don't you?” he says as he takes in the roses and burned out candles placed here and there before shutting the door behind him.

You chuckle, “I thought it would be a special night.” You answer and make you way to the kitchen to grab him a wine glass.

“Hm,” he hums looking over your saddened state. “What made it go from a special night to drinking wine with your sexy as sin neighbor?” He jokes with a large smile.

You smirk, “I'm single.”

His smile falls, “Ah… you and your boyfriend broke up?”

You exhale a long breath and stretch your back, “We were never really together. Just hopeful wishing.” You slowly pour the wine into the glass in front of you and hand it to Hoseok. “I have been and will forever be just a… hole for him to fuck whenever he pleases.”

Hoseok winces and takes the glass, “Don't be so hard on yourself.” He says and takes a sip. “He didn't deserve you anyway.”

“Fuck.” You sigh moving your hips back and forth. Donghyuk's length is buried deep inside you and his hands are planted firmly on your hips.

“Fuck yes.” Donghyuk hisses and throws his head back. “Just like that baby.”

You speed up, frantically chasing after your own finish and slump forward as the spring that had tightly coiled in the pit of your stomach loosens and the beginnings of your climax wash over you. Donghyuk pushes his hips upward chasing after his own release and stills deep within you, filling his condom to the brim.

You started forcing him to wear condoms. It was fine before because you were on birth control and sure you were the only person he was sleeping with. That's all changed now, though. Not only that, but having him cum inside you was an intimate thing and you're working hard to remove all levels of intimacy from your relationship.

You slouch down and fall face first onto his chest. Donghyuk chuckles and wraps his arms around your waist which makes you tense. Things like this… they give you a hope you don't need. You sigh and raise yourself off of his softening member before rolling to the side.

“Did I do something wrong?” Donghyuk questions. He's confused on why you've become so cold and doesn't try to hide it.

“No, you were great.” You praise him with a smile.

For some reason, your words don't seem as sincere as they use to. They're flat and he hates them.

“You leaving?” You ask turning your head a burying your face in the warmth of your pillow.

“No, I wasn't planning to.” He answers.

“Well, I guess you can stay. There are extra blankets in the cabinet and you can take one of the pillows from up here.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“For the couch,” you yawn.

“I literally always sleep in the bed with you.”

“Not anymore.”

“What the fuck has gotten into you?”

“Some sense.” You scoff.

“Look is this about last week? I thought you were cool with not having a title. I don't need to be your boyfriend.”

“Right. You don't. I'm just… done treating you like you are my boyfriend.” You say and listen as he scoffs and stands to his feet. He quickly redresses and makes his way out of your apartment, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Wow…” Hoseok laughs and sticks his thumbs up into the air. “Good for you. Stand your ground.”

You return the laugh, “It feels good really. I feel free. All that's left is moving on.”

“Sounds so easy right?” Hoseok sighs.

“Isn’t it?” You ask with a brow raised.

He scoffs, “You're in for a whirlwind of emotions. You'll probably fall for the next guy you meet.”

“Ah, I don't think so. I'm sitting here with you and I'm okay.” You tease.

“Just wait. Your heart will waver.” He smiles.

You laugh and push his shoulder. “Maybe I should give you a try.”

His smile widens, “If you're truly single, I'm down. You know I've been interested in you since the day we met.”

“So you say.” You roll your eyes.

“With no reason to lie.” He mocks your tone. “Let's try dating for awhile, yeah? Just to see where things go.”

“I'll think about it.” You smile.

“Straighten things out on that end first… I don't think I can date you while knowing you're still sleeping with him.” Hoseok says sincerely.

“I haven't even agreed to date you!” You scoff.

“You will.” He smiles and winks.

3 weeks later

“Ah! Hoseok you got it on my dress!” You whine and stomp your feet. The chocolate ice cream leaves an undesirable stain on your white dress and you're happy it happened just in front of your apartment and you'll be able to go in and change.

“Oops.” He laughs and shrugs. You pout and punch his shoulder. “Ow! I'm sorry I'm sorry.” He says still laughing.

“Hey.” A voice calls out.

You and Hoseok both look up to see a smiling Donghyuk. You know him, though, and the smile spread across his face right now is the fakest you've ever seen. You send him a small smile back and turn to face Hoseok.

“Can you give me a minute? I'll come over once I'm finished… changing and everything.” You tell him.

Hoseok nods and hugs you tightly before making his way into his apartment. You sigh aloud as he walks in, his door shutting loudly behind him and filling the quiet hallway with a small echo. You make your way to your door and open it.

“Are you going to talk to me?” Donghyuk asks from behind you.

You say nothing but motion him inside your apartment. He nods and walks in.

“What do you want?” You ask as you close the door and set your things down on the counter.

“Who was he?” Donghyuk immediately questions.

“Don't worry about it.”

“You're running around with some guy I don't know, of course, I'm going to be worried about it,” Donghyuk says. You remain silent and roll your eyes. Donghyuk sighs, “You haven't answered my calls for 3 weeks now.” Again you stay silent. “Look you've got to talk to me here, babe… I thought a lot… just being away from you has sucked. These past few weeks have been terrible for me, and to come here and see you like this… smiling and shit with some other guy like we didn't have something going on for a whole year, just imagine how I feel right now.”

“Yeah, and imagine how I felt when I saw you kissing another girl at a club like we didn't have something going on for an entire year.” You spit.

“Nothing exclusive.” He quickly adds.

“Exactly! So why the hell are you getting mad?”

“I don't know… I know it sounds like a serious double standard when I say it out loud, but I don't want you to be with anyone else.”

“You had that chance.”

“And I want it again. Look if that whole boyfriend thing is what it takes to keep you happy, the way you were before, then I'm all for it. You're my girlfriend. I'm your boyfriend. And it's just us two. No other girls, alright?”

“Donghyuk-”

“Don't tell me no. Don't tell me it's too late. Just- if this is what you want if you still want us… I'll be waiting for your call.” He says and quickly walks past you and out of your door.

You sigh and drop your head.

“Wow…” Hoseok says. He's staring at you wall with a blank expression on his face.

“Yeah…” you sigh and sink further into your couch.

“Are you going to call?” Hoseok asks turning his head to face you. You shrug. “Should I give you a reason not to?”

You look up at him and nod. With Donghyuk's return and him saying everything you'd wanted to hear… you can't seem to find a reason why you shouldn't give him a call. This was what you had wanted. The man of your dreams wants to be yours and only yours.

“I was thinking, maybe you and I could be together.” He says still looking at you and your heart speeds up. “The dates we’ve had… we go great together, you know? I really, really like you.”

You say nothing and move your eyes to your carpeted floors. Him saying this couldn't have come at a worse time. You'd actually started to like Hoseok quite a lot as well and had he asked you this without Donghyuk being in the picture, you would've said yes with no second thoughts. Hoseok is every bit of amazing as Donghyuk. He's smart, and a gentleman, and he treats you with so much respect… your head starts to spin and you place a few finger tips at your temples and slowly massage them.

“Hey…” Hoseok calls and you look up at him. “I know it probably wasn’t the best time to say it, but I couldn't take the chance of you deciding to go back to him without telling you how I really feel… think it over. I'll be waiting in my apartment and we can talk whenever you're ready.” He says. You nod and watch as he stands up and makes his way out.

It wasn't an easy decision to make to start, and suddenly it became so much harder… Donghyuk or Hoseok?

FIN

I wanted to add more, like a date between Hoseok and the MC but I couldn’t really think of anything. Anyway, I still hope you enjoyed. Chances are No Happy Endings will be uploaded tomorrow. Sorry for the delay I’ve just been hella busy. and stressed but let’s not talk about that.

- AJ