#like as someone who is kind of fucking going thru it rn both mentally and in trying to express myself fully in my art. seeing him thrive in

[stuffyflowers]

“a mothers love is the best uty track” “retribution is the best uty track” “gift is the best uty track” WRONG!!!!! organ demo

[consumed-by-fandom]

DIDude short-ish runthrough (Postal system headcanon)

So I have a more thorough in-depth timeline planned but for now I’m going to just “briefly” cover my interpretation of DIDude since I will be writing more fics abt him/them.

(DISCLAIMER: this shit subject to change now and again with how much i learn abt canon (eg haven't played P4 so its the endgoal for now). Also I don’t count Redux in this since it makes things… confusing. Idk if he’d have the same personality as P1 or not and P1 is kind of vital to the timeline so uhhhh fuck redux for now sorre. also there is a disctinction between P3 and Alt, I see P3 as Alt's source from the coma, but I don't wanna change the names rn so just do P3 = Alt for now)

Starting off with P1, the OG, he was the first alter formed and was host from childhood until the asylum. Went thru a LOT of trauma (family, religion, social issues, mental disorders) and just generally never in a good place. Paranoid as shit.

He did hear voices from a young age, but it was difficult trying to figure out if they were hallucinations, his own thoughts, or something more. At time went on one specific dry voice became more and more talkative, and this was P2. Throughout their teens he would front now and again, or influence their words, but P1 was never the wiser. He thought he’d just get super confident suddenly or he just lost track of time.

Flash forward to Postal 1, he moves out of his hometown and into Paradise, his numerous mental health problems cause him to go Postal, and P2 is forced to help him out with the rampage across town. He co-fronts a lot and takes any sadistic thoughts or feelings P1 has as his own. Some things still stick with P1 though, and show up in his diary for example. It gradually becomes more P2 than P1 in front until the ending, where P2 gets kicked from the front suddenly and P1 realises the shit he’s done and breaks down. They get sent to the asylum.

At this point P1’s mental state is so bad he just completely shuts down. P2 can’t even get a word out of him, and he realises they’re gonna be stuck here for a long time if he doesn’t take the front for himself. He pushes P1 out, but by doing so he allows P1 to become dormant. P2 becomes host and he’s alone. He gets out of the asylum, gets prescribed anti-psychotics to deal with their symptoms, and leaves the asylum after about two years. He gets a job, meets a nice girl, and builds a life for himself. He even gets a haircut. Basically he claims P1’s life as his own and tries to move on. Plural? Nahhh idk what ur talking about.

Except he still has a lot of unresolved anger issues and trauma, and he’s emotionally blunt as hell, with a tendency towards violence. Keeping a job becomes difficult, his wife turns against him, paradise just kinda sucks now. Cue Postal 2.

Smth I add during Postal 2 but isn’t like vital is he begins to see a lot of similarities of what set off P1 in the first place, and as the town gets increasingly violent he starts getting flashbacks and feels P1 returning slowly, so by friday he’s almost co-con and co-fronting and they’re both nearly fully aware of it. Also he’s just goin thru a lot of trauma in one week its a little much yknow. It’s almost nice to have each other again. But then the bitch makes P1 freak out (he has a massive realisation over going dormant for years) and P2 too tired to continue, and they make a terrible decision.

Anyway apocalypse weekend and he’s alone again, P1 basically peaces out in fear and is never seen again for a long ass time. P2 gets to deal with hallucinations again AND brain damage AND losing his shit AND more trauma, so that’s cool, he’s totally coping, yep. Nukes the town, crashes his car, 11 year coma.

When he wakes up he’s greeted by the presence of P3/Alt Dude who’s formed now. He’s what P2 wishes he was, someone able to actually take things in stride and not let things get to him instead of just repressing shit. He takes like, half his memories from that week, maybe some from the past too. But obviously someone who thinks they’re better than the host would also think they’re better than being trapped in this body/head. His disappearance fucking convolutes everything so I’m just going to say that either P2 just hallucinates P3 having a physical form (bullet in the head) and its P3 fronting and doing all this shit, or he does indeed gets a swanky new physical form and just fucking takes those crucial memories. Which makes OD’s role a little harder in the upcoming years. Hmm.

Anyway paradise lost happens and P2’s on the road dealing with the fact he’s older than he is mentally (smth I’ll talk about in another post). During these years of fuck all happening, P1 eventually returns and the two spend a lot of time going through their trauma and sorting their past out, working with each other to survive, try and earn money etc. they get super close and both agree they wanna try and be less violent and more of an everyman, and also that they’d finally be okay being just one identity. It takes a couple of years, but eventually they fuse to form The Dude.

(If we’re going with P3 also sticking around, he takes much longer to come to because he likes being himself and he likes being his own guy and becomes sort of attached to the other two & The Dude when they fuse. He agrees eventually on premise that a) TD would be finally be accepting himself and b) they’d be OP combined. So yeah)

Unfortunately The Dude immediately realises there’s still a ton of violence and anger inside him (as well as repression) and he doesn’t know how to deal with that still, so in fear he splits off another alter, Other Dude, who (in a fit of extreme rage over finding out he exists) goes deep into the headspace and leaves TD wondering what the fuck happened. But he’s calmer now so whatever lol.

Brain Damaged happens, his dream is one long horrible trip into his inner world created by OD in this big plan, and TD finally confronts him. They fight, OD explains how he’s everything TD has tried to repress through every alter, every taken memory, every built persona, and even when fused he still couldn’t handle that part of himself, the part that held all his trauma, so he’s fucking pissed off and he WILL do anything it takes to get it through his head. TD just goes “yeah no” and shoots him, but instead of just like… killing OD, it’s a form of dormancy, and he fucks off for like about a year.

Again, eventually OD returns after an amount of time and tries to get TD to accept his past and his flaws again. Thing is, TD is just realising how old he is and just… doesn’t wanna fight it all anymore, almost. Takes a LOT of yelling and arguing, but eventually TD goes “FINE i accept you you are me” and OD’s like “oh shit fr? Cmere man” and they’re buddy buddy (gradually) and eventually decide to fuse once and for all, no more hiding from the past, no more hiding from himself, accepting complete responsibility and vying for change.

And then drumroll… P4! Which is the final fusion of the Dudes, he’s old, he’s tired, but mentally? Yeah he’s doing alright. Will still cause a shit ton of chaos but like, he’s totally mellow and can process the shit thrown at him now. And best of all, he accepts himself for everything he is. Happy ending :)

Now there are possible timelines, like if P3 leaves Dude has to deal with memories and parts of himself he’ll never get back, and if P2 is a pacifist he could split OD early and then all four of them get to deal with each other, maybe go for a life as a system end goal. But the one above is like pretty much my interpretation. Final fusion also just seems like the choice they would take in their later life, although functional multiplicity probably comes first.

Now take that and make it longer and that's gonna be my in depth runthrough lmao that one will be in parts so uh... stick around if you wanna see that ig.

[elinaline]

Got tagged by @mixmio​ thanks ! my brain does not want to focus on work these days so perfect

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

it’s like. black. I rarely use it though, because if I brush my hair it looks like a bomb exploded on my head fdjkfh so I untangle it after putting in conditioner and usually I just fight it with my bare hands in the morning

2. name of a food you never eat?

cucumber. fuck that vegetable it’s disgusting way too smelly and the texture is fucking horrible

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

too warm !!!!!! and it’s only gonna get worse (: woohoo

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I was being anxious lmao, and weirdly emotional because of that playlist spotify gave me. Also thinking about how to formulate the things I want on my report for my precedent internship that I still need to conclude.

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

is it twix ? is it mars ? I never know the difference carambar good also

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

I used to be in the official orchestra of a professional rugby team so I’ve been to a few dozens official sports events actually !! I’ll always remember the patrouille the France oing over our head as we were playing for a France-Ireland match in Bordeaux, that was amazing, and Irish rugby fans are so fun :)

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

“oh it’s bubbling up !” talking about a cake I’m trying to do with sourdough starter

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

fucking uuuhhhhh blueberry ? there’s no better ice cream taste than one made from wild blueberries that you went out in the moutain to pick with your family after noticing a good spot during a hike :3

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

orange juice 5mins ago

10. do you like your wallet?

yeah ? it’s convenient I.... it’s got lots of pockets ? idk it’s sturdy wh. that’s a weird question actually

11. what was the last thing you ate?

lunch made by my roommate ! also a bit of the paste from aforementioned cake lol

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

no I don’t intend on buying new clothes until a loooonnnngggg time I don’t particularly need any plus like. quarantine lol.

13. last sporting event you watched?

uh.

the. no wait ? no that’s it probably bits of the tour de france last summer ?

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

there are different flavors between salt and sugar ???????????? anyways salted popcorn is absolutely disgusting so. sugar. there are different flavors ? what a wild world we live in

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

@breadstyx​ I was talking to them about the cake

16. ever go camping?

rarely

we were supposed to go camping this weekend, since it’s a long one what with May 8, with my class as sort of like one last big event altogether but :) fuck us I guess lol

17. do you take vitamins?

I used to in highschool bc I had toxoplasmosis and it fucking drained me. I’ve also taken some magnesium complements this year because I had vertigo caused by stress because it was such a nice year for me (: (: (:

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

LMAOOOOO NO

19. do you have a tan?

I’ve been stuck inside for the last two months and there is basically no direct sun in my apartment. so. I’m white as fuck rn

I’ll get SO sunburnt as soon as I can go outside lol but catch me rolling in the grass as soon as they reopen the parks, I haven’t seen grass in 52 days fuck off. Like knowing we’d get out of quarantine but that the parks would still be closed for a while did a funny number on my mental health hahaaaa

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

I’m not a big Chinese food fan generally :/ also what kind of pizza are we talking about ?

21. do you drink soda with a straw?                      

before I answer this question I need to know what you define as soda because I’ve never understood what non French people meant by that. also generally I don’t use straws apart for like milkshakes and smoothies

22. what colour socks do you wear?

right now I’m barefoot

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I haven’t driven in years my guy fdkfh but usually no I’m exactly at the speed limit I’m terrified of driving and I hate it SO

24. what terrifies you?

like, right now, or ? in general ? I’m terrified of every countries around slowly turning into authoritarian regimes and not being able to do shit, I’m terrified of the general mistrust towards science I can see in the general public, I’m terrified of the rise of fascism, I’m terrified of climate change in a very short term idea because I can’t bear many more summers above 45°C and in the long term because I’d like today’s kids to have a future, I’m terrified of never being enough and not getting a PhD funding, I’m terrified people will get bored of me or think I’m not useful anymore and leave me and I’d have to rebuild myself from zero again, I’m terrified of the general idea of losing control, I’m terrified of big empty spaces, I’m terrified of causing harm of any kind without being able to control or reduce it. You know the usual dose of existential fear and then some, and then some more for good measure haha :)

25. look to your left what do you see?

a calendar

26. what chore do you hate?

doing the dishes and getting the bin out because it hurts my back

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

":)” loved going to Melbourne would love to go back I miss my friend there

28. what’s your favourite soda?

seriously define soda first. If you mean drink with bubble I don’t like any of them basically. If you mean processed drink with an average of five sugar cubes per can I’d say Oasis ? or Ice Tea

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

never been to a drive through. fast foods yeah ! there used to be a Declercq (it’s like belgian fries, v good, v greasy, perfect for a friday night with friends) near my school but they had an oil fire so it burned down :( so now the alternative for greasy fries is BK

30. who was the last person you talked to?

@breadstyx​ whom I sent a message to about the cake. IRL I live with my roommate so.

t31. favourite cut of beef?

one that’s tender ? you think I know perfectly which cut is what and not that I don’t buy the cheapest one when I feel like polluting a lot with what I eat ?

32. last song you listened to?

I’m currently listening to a spotify playlist. I’s currently playing hang on

Willow tree by twin wild i’ve never heard of these guys but ok

33. last book you read?

oh fuck I’m in a “unable to read” period lmao. Probably one of the October Daye series uh. The one where her mom comes to steal her fiance and her twin

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihfedcba

took a while but I think it’s correct ? It’s like. I know sequences that are easy to invert and I need to link them together that’s the tricky part

35. how do you like your coffee?

black

36. favourite pair of shoes?

Before I bought my docks I had those huge bulgy shoes that I loved because no one could step on my feet in the metro, but the insole started caving in in a weird way and it hurt my ankle so I had to stop wearing them :(

37. the time you normally go to bed?

(: NORMALLY around midnight, but rn it’s more like. between 1 and 2 am when I’m not too bad

38. the time you normally wake up?

NORMALLY around 8 but I’ve decided 9.30 would be good, and I usually am able to get up only by 10am

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

I’m usually not awake for sunrises but both are good. I like the hour JUST after sunset best because it’s like. you can see daysky on one side and nightsky on the other, and everything is sort of blue or sort of orange

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re round and kinda concave so that food doesn’t get out ? I? do you have many weird questions like that

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I’m a sucker for a good piña colada but it’s hard to get them exactly right, like the balance between too sweet and too creamy is subtle

43. do you play cards?

in highschool I used to but I’ve forgotten all the game we’d do

44. what colour is your car?

don’t have one

45. can you change a tire?

lmao

46. your favourite province?

If we’re talking french region, Aquitaine is the closest I’ve ever felt to being home I guess ? I love the Pyrenées as well, all three old regions I don’t know the new ones fdfsdhfsdf

47. favourite job you’ve had?

I’ve only ever done summer camp counselor as a summer job, and I’ve had both a traumatising experience filled with sexual harassment and a really good experience that helpes me get more self confident so.

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

it’s not really a scar it’s a bump on my head that never left, I hit my brother in the garden pool at full speed when I was 7

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

afaik nothing but I’m about to put this cake to bake SO

I am tagging uuuuuuuuuhhh say @sunny-day-sky andddd @queerlynx but like. don’t feel pressured to do it, it’s a Lot

[jamesdeerest]

just let me in

PAIRING: sirius black x reader

REQUEST: anon asked “Hi can you write a Sirius one shot where he gets upset bc his gf is close to that boy with a perfect life and he feels so insecure, he feels that the dude is perfect for R (the kind of joyful, always laughing girl) and so he thinks he’s holding her with his problems and she notices smth is wrong but she thinks he doesn’t want to talk about it but then she sees he starts being colder and when she confronts him about it, it explodes in an angsty fight where he tells her everything and  when she understands she comforts him and it’s just fluffy and all Sorry if it’s really detailed... Thank you!💗”

WORD COUNT: 983

WARNINGS: its angstttt boi have u seen the titleee also innuendos and swearing, use of the word whore

NOTES: im slowly workin thru my requests and they will be open soooonn. also if i had to recommend a song for this it would be happier by bastille & marshmello aannghghg this is shorrttt

“Shut up, Michael!”

Sirius eyed the two of you from across the Great Hall, the two being Michael Woods, the most popular guy in the year, and you, who was laughing your head off. You, also Sirius’ girlfriend of six months. 

Remus nudged him, eyebrow raised. “Who pissed you off? You look like Snivellus.” Sirius gasped, shoving him. “How dare you, Moony?! I’ll have you know I actually wash.” Remus snorted. 

“Seriously though, mate, you alright? You look like you’re back in third year when you had your ‘broody Sirius’ phase.” Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing a sausage off Remus’ plate. 

“Yeah, m’ fine. Just a bit tired.” Remus nodded, going back to his potatoes, as Sirius went back to staring over, frowning as he saw Michael hug you, before walking over. He smiled as you approached, pulling you onto his lap as you kissed his cheek. James rolled his eyes, retching. “Is that allowed? Is that allowed?” You grabbed a sausage and lobbed it at him, laughing when he caught it in his mouth. Sirius gasped. “Hey! That was my sausage!” James winked at him as he ate it, swallowing. “I’m sorry for eating your sausage, Siripoo. It’s just so tasty! Right, Y/N?”

“Oh piss off, James.” you said, leaning forward smirking. “Remember, we only talk about Siripoo’s sausage in private, Jamesy.” He nodded knowingly, whispering ‘later’ before becoming distracted as Lily sat next to him.

Sirius laughed. “You two are mental, you know?” You grinned, pecking his cheek. “We know.”

And that’s where it started to go wrong. Whenever Sirius saw you and Michael together, thoughts started running through his head- which wasn’t helped by the fact that some third-year asked him if you were still together. If he saw you by yourself, fear took over his mind: if he approached you, were you going to break up with him? He had heard people talking even before you and Sirius got together how ‘Y/N and Michael would be the cutest couple’. Thinking about it, he could picture you two together. You would be so much happier with him, wouldn’t you? No more late nights comforting Sirius over his fucking family issues, no more basically being his therapist, no more crying...

Sirius didn’t want to lose you, but he couldn’t keep being so selfish. And besides, it was basically happening anyways- he didn’t miss those longing glances. When was the last time he even saw you without Michael? Resentment swirled in him- sure, Sirius was a mess, but you could at least let him off easy, instead of going behind his back- who was he kidding. It was right in front of him. This wasn’t fair on him, or you. New determination sprung up in him, and he steeled himself for what was to come- what he had to do. For both of you.

For the next few days, Sirius tried to talk to you, but it was never the right moment. That Wednesday after classes, however, you approached him, a questioning look on your face.

“Hey Sirius, are you alright? I feel like we haven’t talked in ages.” you said, leaning into kiss him. He turned so your lips landed on his cheek, and you pulled back, shocked. “What’s wrong?” Sirius sighed, jaw clenched. “We need to talk. In private.” 

Your heart sank; that never meant well. You nodded, and followed him to the Gryffindor common room, heading up to his dorm. You sat down on his unmade bed, fisting the duvet. “What’s up?” 

Sirius laughed bitterly. “What’s up? I don’t know, why don’t you ask Michael.” 

You raised your eyebrows, looking at him in disbelief. “I’m sorry, what?”

Sirius smirked, his eyes cold. “I said, why don’t you ask Michael. I mean, you two seem to be awfully close, don’t you think?” Your mouth fell open in shock, before you composed yourself.

“Well, what do you think?” Sirius laughed again, pacing around the room. “What do I think, what do I think... let’s see.” He stopped. “I think you’re fucking him behind my back, and you’re too much of a coward to admit it. I think you’re a disgusting whore. Do you want me to continue?”

You gasped, indignation coursing through your veins. “How dare you?! Do you really think that low of me, that I’d do that? Is that what you think of me?!” 

Sirius stared challenging at you, silent. You scoffed, each harsh word another tear ready to fall. “Here’s what I think of you, Sirius Orion Black. I think you’re an insecure little boy who can’t accept that someone loves him. Well, congratulations! You pushed me away, when all I wanted was for you to let me in. I hope you’re happy, Sirius, I really do. God knows your parents will be, oh yes, they’ll be ecstatic that their son isn’t dating a fucking blood-traitor anymore. That’ll be a nice thing to tell them in the summer holidays, won’t it? Maybe you can stop being the family disappointment now.” 

You regretted the words as soon as you said them, Sirius’ piercing look of utter betrayal sending waves of self-loathing through you. Before you could take it back, Sirius swallowed and forced a grin, trying to mask the pain. “We can only hope. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go tell Marlene that I’m finally single. Goodbye, L/N.” Your previous guilt was overwhelmed by hurt, sharpening your words. “Never talk to me again.”

“My pleasure.” Sirius spat, before turning and storming out, leaving you staring at the door, before sobs overtook you. You crumpled, clutching Sirius’ duvet to you, tears wracking your body. Finally, you fell asleep, your aching eyes closing. That was how Remus had found you, and he pulled a blanket over you, moving you to his bed and placing a bar of chocolate beside you. Maybe some things just weren’t meant to be.

 i think im gonna do a part 2, not sure though. lmk if u want one :) 

likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated!

send an ask if you wanna be added to my tags

tags: @hoewkeye @blackpinkdolan @shadylittlewonder @sassy-specter @i-am-eating-rn

[bnha-imagines-hcs]

uwu i want angst and sorry if this is too triggering but is it okay to do dabi, present mic and shinsou where they get in a super heated fight w their s/o and the boys do a quick movement to run their hands through their hair or like hand gesture and its so fast their s/o thinks they’re going to hit them and they heavily flinch and then the guys find out shes had like an abusive past i love ur writing so much crie

( no, this is okay ❤❤❤ i won’t write a prompt of charas beating their s/o, but this is good. | warning for grade A asshole in dabi’s. | wherein present mic is the only one who knows how to do this lmfao. | shinsou’s a good boy who Tries. )

| dabi; headcanons.

a heated fight with dabi is like tryina cheat death. he’s a stone-cold professional with his mind on the job, but when anger gets involved there’s no more rules. yeah, that’s been a red flag from the get go, but here you both are…

dabi’s cruel when he’s angry. serious about his bonds, but cruel, and it’s never worse than when ppl take to clawing at him in word or deed; fighting with him gets nasty – if it hurts him, you’re fucked.(you piece of shit, like you’ve any more right than whatever rando you’re degrading yourself to be, fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU—)                                   nothing but absolute offensive defence. it’s all predatory while anyone he cares for (or who knows how to get to him) is taking shots at him; fixated on the kill to avoid his own pain. there is no pain, no gentility as a viable option for dealing with this (he doesn’t even know that’s a thing that really works, that he could do), no bond to preserve - nothing but rage to hide within and blind his enemies with.

          since it’s his primary mode for survival, it’s not smth he can consciously acknowledge (yet). he can’t - he needs it too much, too often.

it’s not the kind of mood where he likes his s/o, it’s not the kind of mood where he wants to be nice.

              you’re scared of him? (fire, fists, words, teeth- there’s              so much he can do–) good. you should be. 

       absolutely undoubtedly, dabi makes it so much fucking worse. had they not been fighting, it would’ve been so different – but there’s no mercy in a fight. an angry dabi is rarely safe.he doesn’t hit them, but he makes a play at it more than once until they’re a crying, triggered mess and that’s when he takes his vindication somewhere private / he’s won.            he’ll worry about whether you’re still dating after he’s figured out            whether he still wants that.

oh, the insinuations? bitch, no-one here is unhurt. and if you know dabi, you shouldn’t be stupid enough not to feel the threat. if that would scare you, fuck off you brainless–

     he hasn’t yet figured out whether you’re still worth giving a shit. shit.

| hizashi; headcanons.

the one motherfucker who handles this well from the get go, and that’s in part because with hizashi you just don’t get into… nasty fights. the rest is that hizashi is Absolutely not inclined toward scaring his loved ones and has no need for defensive rage to that extent. 

he’s got standards for himself, y’know? they’re more important than petty shock/hurt - his survival methods are so much more healthy than dabi’s, and that’s thanks to personality and opportunity.

if you’re really fighting, it’ll still be close to reason - hizashi’s emotionally healthy & would be with someone who is, for the most part, also that. as in, if you can’t talk about ur big issues like adults ( + some emotion ofc but honestly expressed, not cruelly ), he’s nooooooot gonna be in a relationship with you.      you- that’s. like. communication, bro. you need it.

first off he’ll a) absolutely notice and jump to the right conclusions thanks to experience b) wave it away bc he’s preoccupied and inclined to go ‘well it could be smth ELSE’ if he’s not completely ready to deal with it.the look on your face makes him ready to deal with it in about 3 seconds, and then he gently puts the fight on hold to ask whether he scared you, assure verbally that he wouldn’t, and give you space while asking what u need to feel safe enough to continue being arnd each other - or to not do that if u can’t feel safe.

hizashi is so good at making himself gentle - bc he is. he doesn’t need the walls & fronts to feel safe himself; vulnerability is his strength. he uses it well.

          there’s blankets involved and his express refusal to come near unless you ask him to, letting you control his proximity to you and what happens next. if you want, there are so many cuddles. if you want, there is reading apart from each other in blanket nests without focussing on anything so you can try to wind down. tea, maybe some anti-anxiety bg music, a super gentle kid’s show on tv. if you want to leave, you leave. if you want him to leave, he leaves. if you want to work through this but need a friend as a buffer, y’all call them over. hizashi will text aizawa for his own emotional support, cuz finding this out is rather upsetting for him too - fuck, he loves you, of course it is.       anything to be receptive, welcoming, and kind to your pain.

       the real anger comes when he finds out just who hurt you, and it’ll       be reserved for those names.

| shinsou; headcanons.

shinsou gets mad. 

it’s instant, thoughtless hurt while they’re already hurting each other and it just makes him defensive / he doesn’t stop to consider a better route. (can’t.) more angry, yells smth pained about them not trusting him (thinks it’s a jab since they know his buttons) – things aren’t registering as they would if he had his wits about him.it’s just hurt. yells, moves toward them too quick & makes it worse (not intentional) but is already backing off again. things sink in now & he’s a mess, so instead of doing anything that he can’t properly think through rn he just leaves. takes himself out of the situation.

he’s not stupid. between his own experiences, hero work, etc – once the fight’s a lil further in the past and his head cooled, he can look at it and see they weren’t trying to hurt him. it wasn’t fake– and that’s so much worse.        do they trust him anymore? no idea, so he waits it out / gives them both more time to settle. he’s not ready to be soft yet, but the idea of going in when he’s still on edge just breaks his heart.shit, he didn’t know this.

maybe he’s reading too much into it. yeah, maybe. he’ll ask. hopes that won’t be too invasive, draws on all his lessons to figure out a game plan; be calm, non-threatening, respectful. (he’s gonna phone aizawa, ask for advice.)he especially needs time to prepare for the possibility they won’t want to share with him. will respect it of course, but he’s so fucking worried it’d drive him a lil mental so he needs to prep to not push whatsoever - and it’s easier to focus on his worry than their fight that’s been abandoned like an open wound. 

           ‘easier’. ugh.

he goes back in when his head’s clear / phoned first to ask. he cuts right to the chase, tells them to set the boundaries if they want to meet up - make it so they can feel safe. it’s not that bad anymore, they say – although it really hurt when shinsou just left, made them fear he didn’t want smth so broken. 

                  that hadn’t fucking occurred to him at all.

and that’s such a relief they fucking both cry, ugly sobs into the phone and tentative ‘why were we fighting anyway’ - an equally careful ‘maybe we can write things out that bother us and just focus on finding a way through’. 

they meet. their s/o is a lil spooked in that trauma way you just can’t help & shinsou’s hyper caution makes it worse until they each find a balance. somewhere innocuous with ice cream and a view on a park, and they just. adjust to this new part of their dynamic, get used to each other again since they didn’t get to properly end the fight or deal with things.        there’s some unrelated talk to ease into things before they open up - just the tip of the iceberg, to test out shinsou’s capacity for it. 

he’s got a hard time looking gentle when he’s torn between hurting for them so much (and that’s… more intense than expected) and angry at himself, the situation, the things that hurt his s/o and the things he doesn’t need to punish himself for but does.

              after a while they call in the help of experienced adults (read: present mic) to deal with this; still more private than a counsellor, but still… they need the help.

they make it through. soft becomes a new/reinforced staple of their relationship and they learn way better ways to communicate thru issues, avoid actual fights.

learning to channel his anger differently also eases shinsou’s overall life / being soff w/ the bae becomes a new (and first) favourite part of his own personality (whoo boy). if he happens upon the bastards who hurt his s/o and curbstomps them somewhere in a back alley, well. that’s more aizawa’s influence.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[malunedyne]

aesthetic themed ask list: you know the drill fam, all of them now!

BRUUHHH IS THIS BLACKMAIL

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

will i ever be a successful writer/artist of any kind? how can i achieve that?

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

being able to be grateful and enjoy small things in life even if i feel like i’m at the peak of my dysthymia (lol)

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

a very random day i’m not sure why it got stuck on my head some +5 years ago when it was raining and i was outside my house, throwing lemons of my lemon tree towards the neighbors’ houses lmao

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

totally, i would start writing full time and maybe planning on doing some small trips before it

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

-visiting a foreign country (japan would be my dream)-publishing a work (either a book or a photograph in a prestigious place)-be truly in love and loved back

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

-she’s the only one who knows in EXPLICIT detail how my sublimation mechanism works, the biggest of my weakness, what makes me feel shame the most….. a college friend of mine, intellectually clever, emotionally not so much, shares big passion for the same EROS subject

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

-i can’t complain about it, i remember good things mostly, i still went outside and played but also enjoyed video games and cartoons; i was a loner but never felt lonely, my imagination compensated alla that

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

-in the first days of the year in front of my parents lol i was so done with everything

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

-i’d choose my father cause he surely would tell me some good stories or about the myths….. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

-that’s literally what going to therapy almost is lmao jks that’s not therapy well i think if i could feel reciprocated, i would

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

-3 am???? i guess it was my last best friend, but we barely think of each other now

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

-it would depend on a lot of things, honestly

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

-cute and it doesn’t give me the creeps to stare at directly, lmao (eyes too light give me anxiety to hold visual contact with)

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“A Hero must struggle!” how can you know a Hero is a Hero without trouble though? isn’t life made out of trials? A Hero must not be just a muscular, strong figure who makes physical tasks, it also speaks of mental and intern fights too..... I wrote a whole paper on this and would surely write more about it

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

-1000 reasons why thinking everything will solve by itself later is a lie and a bad idea

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

-find another place to live with my family; travel. a fucking lot. but first, give my parents what they need to solve some financial and health issues. donate to environment protection orgs, buy shittons of gaming and anime merch like the hopeless half-arsed grown adult i am

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

-I can forgive anyone but it takes some time. I like being like that, everything that hurts me i sublimate later through my writings, so even that displeasure, has a /creative/ function in my life

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.-bitchyou’re dumb as hell, but wise as fuck. you don’t give three fucks about time,enjoy it while you can. you may have encountered yourself with people who tryto hurt you, mess with you and you feel bad about yourself, but it’s not yourfault in the slightest, nor they are right. never allow them to be in controlof YOUR emotions. you need to stand for yourself and yourself only, you don’tneed to prove shit to no one. Write. Write. Write. and never stop. use everythingand turn it into words: good, bad, fears and dreams. 

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

both depending on the #mood

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain

piercings aren’t really my thing but I like tattoos (not hardcore-like tho), I’ve think of getting one but I get overwhelmed and my mom would kill me lol (if my siblings agreed on getting a small Triforce tattoo and each of us pick one part /i’d pick wisdom tho/, i’d be more than happy to get it done) 

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

I used to wear mascara (but i caught an eye infection, lol), now i just do the basics: powder and lipstick.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

uhm….. i owe led zeppelin a lot because it supported me thru the worst of my first major depressive episode, and i have a thing with Pink Floyd The Wall….. I used to listen it on repeat thru the last straw of it, so it naturally makes me feel depressive and somewhat suicidal ???? but just in thought….. I can’t listen to Dark Side of the Moon because I feel useless as well lol

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

we need to stop being arrogant, selfish and stupid enough to think everything is here to serve us; we can’t dissociate ourselves from nature and the environment as if we were self-sufficient.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

oh now this is sad lol

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

the person who will spend their life with me, and where to find them

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

uhmm….. hehe

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

i set /most of times/ my stuff for the next day, uniform; i eat/drink something and put a glass of water beside my bed, wear my pajamas, pray a little for the people i love, or render thanks for stuff, and think of my stories or some gay shit before till i fall asleep (if i’m lucky enough, i get to dream of it as well)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

-same as u fam @electroma89, I want my parents to know my interest in writing and such, just like my father does buuuuuuuuuuut the topics of my interest i doubt they’ll understand and it’s a total wild card trying to guess how they would react like

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

have u seen MCU’s Gamora? that’s how I’d wear my hair

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

-uh….. lol idk, i’ve always have wanted to go to somewhere quiet and watch the stars

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

-Peace and Love on Planet Earth….. is there anything that’s worth more?-having self discipline….. i swear to Hylia lots of my problems could be avoided that way-meet someone who loves me and i can love back….. my life has placed me in the worst places to know people, i swear…..

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

-i’ve never dressed for halloween, but i’d like to; though i can’t think of any rn lol

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

-opening up to people more than i should had

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

-hurt someone from my loved ones; steal from the poor

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

-only one song??? FUCK i couldn’t say a person, but i’m sooooo special with songs i’m not sure….. maybe Le Cygne by Camil Saint-Saens, maybe that one

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

-i’ve never been, i’ve been infatuated, but in love? as in love for real? i don’t think so

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

-i was thinking in cutting my hair real short…. i might do it next year

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

-i’d trust anyone who acknowledges i love italian sodas instead of coffee lmao

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

-getting some writings done and figuring out what to do once my internship trial is over

BRUH this is some deep shit for real omfg

[killanyone4you]

i hate asking people to ask me questions so here are my answers

this was more fun for me then it will be for you

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?  uhh my little brother maybe

2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends on my mood i think.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?  idk if this counts but i’m seeing the used in july

4. Are you easy to get along with?  yes. usually

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  i dont drink.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?  all kinds of people. i dont really have a good answer for this. i’m attracted to people i connect with and that’s what i focus on

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? uhhhh

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?  i cant say or i’ll be heavily judged

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?  no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my best friend.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?  thank you you da best

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?  like, of all time or just like, that i’ve been listening to recently? ima answer both. so my 5 favorite songs of all time in no particular order are: Something Corporate: Ruthless. Something Corporate: Walking By. Good Charlotte: Screamer. The Outfield: Your Love and Fall Out Boy: Young Volcanoes. my top 5 of all time has changed for sure but that’s it right now. and then as far as songs i’ve been listening to non stop recently also in no particular order: LP: Switchblade (also any LP). Taylor Swift: Gorgeous (also any Taylor Swift).  Post Malone: Sunflower. Selena Gomez: Back to you. I Prevail: My Heart I Surrender. also bonus jonas: any throwback Jo Bro songs and also their new song. anyway that took longer than i expected.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?  very much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? no not really. shit happens.

15. What good thing happened this summer?  it’s not summer yet

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?   sure

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?   probs

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?   no haha

19. Do you like bubble baths?   yes. dont trust anyone who doesn’t like bubble baths

20. Do you like your neighbors?  i dont really know them.

21. What are you bad habits?   hating myself? idk i’m a hermit person who hides from the world. annddd that’s probably not the best habit

22. Where would you like to travel?   everywhere

23. Do you have trust issues?   uhhh. i like to think i dont but i probably do

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?  sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?  most of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?   pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?   i just wish my skin was even. it’s a mess.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?   my little brother

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?  nope. they ran for the fuckin hills yall

30. Do you ever want to get married?  maybe

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?  yus

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? um... i feel like Will Farrell and Danny McBride could get the job done.

33. Spell your name with your chin. hard pass

34. Do you play sports? What sports?   no sir.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?  tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?   uh yeah. probs a million times

37. What do you say during awkward silences?  unintentionally anything and everything that could possibly make the situation more uncomfortable.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?  to answer this properly i’d have to think about it and i’m really just looking for quick answers here. if someone reads this and truly wants to know send me an ask and i’ll answer for real.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? target, the christmas tree shoppe, barnes and noble, michales.

40. What do you want to do after high school?  lol i’m old af i’ve been out of high school for 10 years yall

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?  no. some people do.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  i’m uncomfortable or i dont know how to say what i’m thinking.

43. Do you smile at strangers?  yes. all the time and i hate myself for it.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?  neither pls both of those things are probably my biggest fears of all time.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?  the need to piss.

46. What are you paranoid about?  losing my job due to illness.

47. Have you ever been high?   yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?   yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?  yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?  grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?   yup.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?   my plethora of mental illnesses. probably. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?  i dont wear makeup much anymore. i cant say i have a favorite.

54. Favourite store?  the christmas tree shoppe

55. Favourite blog?  does anyone have a favorite blog?

56. Favourite colour?  grey

57. Favourite food?   cheese/

58. Last thing you ate?  ice

59. First thing you ate this morning?  cake.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?  i’ve won writing competitions

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? fighting.

62. Been arrested? For what?  nope/

63. Ever been in love?   i can never tell.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?   well technically my first kiss was in pre school with a boy called tommy but i’m not sure that counts. my first like, real kiss was at a smashing pumpkins concert and i was kind of seeing this guy who was one of my best friends in middle school and we were in that middle place of like, being really good friends but wanting to see if there was more. so we were there with my best friend and his best friend (who i also had a thing for dont fucking judge me) so i was laying in the grass with my head in his lap listening to one of the opening bands (i wanna say it was fuel but i dont remember) and he texted all the people with our group to ask them to leave so all of a sudden they all walk away and once their gone he leans over me spider man style and kisses me. so to be fair it was also his first kiss but it was really awkward and bad and we didn’t talk at all after, we just went back to watching the show and when my friends all came back i got up and forced them to go to the bathroom with me to tell them what happened and to ask them why they abandoned me. later i found out he was super proud of his “slick moves” and did not in any way pick up on how awkward i felt.

65. Are you hungry right now? nope

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?  i dont really have many of either so eh

67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook. i dont even use twitter.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?  ^^

69. Are you watching tv right now?   i have youtube on my tv playing music videos.

70. Names of your bestfriends?  Jerry

71. Craving something? What?  Mexican food

72. What colour are your towels?  grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?  1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?  no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?  a few

75. Favourite animal?  elephant

76. What colour is your underwear?  grey and white

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?  vanilla i guess.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  raspberry sherbet -

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants?  not wearing pants.

81. Favourite tv show?  Guys Grocery Games

82. Favourite movie?   The Princess Bride or Music and Lyrics or 10 Things I Hate about You

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?  .... this is a dumb fucking question. i shouldn’t even have to say the answer. if you’re in any way questioning the answer dont ever talk to me.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?  21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?  She doesn’t even go here!

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?  Dory

87. First person you talked to today?  my cat

88. Last person you talked to today?  my mother

89. Name a person you hate?   i try not to hate anyone. but i guess it’s safe to say trump

90. Name a person you love?  my baby brother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?  kind of my mom. always trump

92. In a fight with someone?  nope i dont do that petty shit.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? i’m not sure any of my pants qualify as sweat pants. i have a lot of leggings and pajama pants.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?  a shit ton. 20 or 30. i dont really know.

95. Last movie you watched? i watched most of infinity war earlier because i was bored but i stopped about halfway thru to go masturbate. which wasn’t a result of the movie i was just horny

96. Favourite actress?  i dont really have one so i’m going to say Millie Bobby Brown because she’s a sweet baby angel

97. Favourite actor? i also dont have one but Paul Rudd is always on my mind so.

98. Do you tan a lot? no yall i’m sickly white all year round.

99. Have any pets? i have a chonky boi Pogue the black cat

100. How are you feeling?  quite indifferent rn actually.

101. Do you type fast?   i guess.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?   many things

103. Can you spell well?  nope i spell like shit,

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?  yup

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?  many. love  good bonfire.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?  i guess.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?   yes i am... born of hillbillies. so. we ride horses.

108. What should you be doing?  dishessssss

109. Is something irritating you right now?   i had plans with my goddamn mother which i partially only made because i wanted her to bring me some things i had mailed to her house and after waiting FIVE HOURS for her to call and tell tell me she was on her wait. she never did so i finally called her and she was like “uhh i said maybe tomorrow.” UGH i wasted half my goddamn day waiting on her ass.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?  uh yes. it’s awful

111. Do you have trust issues?  you already asked this.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?  my cat

113. What was your childhood nickname?  i dont think i really had one. my stepmom called me kay.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?    yes

115. Do you play the Wii?    i never had a wii but i played it with others

116. Are you listening to music right now?   yes. i have a random playlist on youtube playing. rn it’s malibu miley cyrus

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?   with a soda on the side.

118. Do you like Chinese food?  yes. it’s probably my second favorite kind of food.

119. Favourite book?   well all the harry potter books i think would be my favorite but i hate that answer because it’s not specific so my favorite stand alone book is Ella Enchanted.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?  not usually.

121. Are you mean?   yeah sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay?   on a partner? no. on other stuff maybe

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?  nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?   nope

125. Do you believe in true love?   nope

126. Are you currently bored?  yes. why do you think i’m sitting here answering a hundred and fifty questions for no reason? no one asked for this lol

127. What makes you happy?  sleep. books. my cat. music. driving on the highway at night. food. rollercoasters

128. Would you change your name?  probably. i hate my name.

129. What your zodiac sign? taurus

130. Do you like subway?  yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? my best friend of the opposite sex is gay but if it happened i’d ask him if his feelings would somehow cause us to stop being friends and deal with that accordingly

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my sister in law.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? this is hard because there are a shit ton but i guess the one that’s sticking out the most to me rn is “i have a thought of you for every star in the sky”

134. Can you count to one million? i mean, yeah. but why?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? yall i’ve told so many lies. but the one that just popped into my head is when i was pretty young i was mad at my older brother for who even knows what so i wrote his name on our front door in his hand writing with sharpie. it worked and he got into a lot of trouble

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?  open. my asshole cat doesn’t allow any doors in my apartment to be closed at any time.

137. How tall are you?  5′5

138. Curly or Straight hair?  weird waves that dont ever look good

139. Brunette or Blonde?  i’m brunette but i dye that shit.

140. Summer or Winter?  winter.

141. Night or Day?  both for different reasons.

142. Favourite month?  i dont have one

143. Are you a vegetarian?  no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?  dark

145. Tea or Coffee?   both.

146. Was today a good day?  not really.

147. Mars or Snickers?  neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?  god that’s impossible. there’s no chance i could pick only one quote so i’m just going to drop one from the labyrinth because it’s been on my mind and David Bowie is a sex god. “Just fear me, love me, do as i say and i will be your slave.” like. fucking imagine the Goblin King saying that to you? i'd die. fuck me right here pls i'll do anything you say. pls.

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont. but i’m willing to be proven wrong

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  “That’s all right.” said the Stork, who was flying along beside them. “I always like to help anyone in trouble. But i must go now, for my babies are waiting in the nest for me. I hope you will find the Emerald City and that Oz will help you.”

[sunsetsover]

Thoughts on some of the asks you've had recently!!

1. I think outside of Stan Tumblr and Twitter where there is anti-Whitney sentiment from some corners, Callum is likely being viewed with a lot of sympathy right now. Part of this is because he's nice and likeable, showing sympathetic symptoms etc. And part bc he's a former soldier w named PTSD... like I don't think I need to elaborate on why people accept that particular narrative more easily!!

2. Like anon I also appreciate that you shared your thoughts on Ben having BPD and how we can view his character through that. I also know someone on Twitter has put forward a good case for Ben having cPTSD which I think fits too (and it's not like he can't have just one lol)

3. Having said that if the EE writers so much as touch on Ben having cPTSD I predict Stan Twitter might just implode w rage bc it's "Callum's Thing" and "Ben shouldn't have an excuse for his actions" 🥴 And again tying into making it a competition, but also Callum being a recognisable face of PTSD as a soldier/police who can be sympathised w vs Ben who... isn't that lmao. I doubt it'll ever happen bc I'm not sure the writers/audience are ready to confront PTSD caused by childhood trauma and an unsympathetic person living w it, especially when it implicates Phil whose like the face of the show lmao

4. I'm looking at a lot of this rn w interest because it really does epitomise the acceptable vs unacceptable mental illness, what trauma is recognised and amed and what isn't, which actions are viewed as forgivable vs which actions label you a Bad Person.

5. I think this discourse (lol) is a bit different to Isaac's story bc the Callum/Ben conversations are more about reactions to two characters and how their mh is received and treated by fans and the writers and how the very fact Callum has named PTSD says a lot abt certain sterotypes/attitudes. Whereas Isaac's story is ongoing and will deliberately seek to challenge similar stereotypes by using other characters as mouthpieces for different stereotyped views of his illness. Idk does that make sense? The Ballum stuff is a discussion that sits v much outside of the canon writing as a critique if how and why characters get certain labels and stories, while Isaac's is a canon issue led story??

6. I could write an Essay about how reactions to Ben tie into attitudes toward offenders and the criminal justice system, rehabilitation etc but... maybe another day lmao

bro how u send me all this i swear they have a character limit on asks 😭 i love it tho lemme go thru it point by point like u did

1. idk how it didn't dawn on me that the sympathy for callum coming from the gp would be bc he's a soldier... like idk how that didn't occur to me.... even when that other anon talked abt the acceptable face of ptsd i thought yeah people know ptsd mainly bc of soldiers but like... idk i just Forgot how a certain demographic of ppl who consider soliders and police the Pinnacle of humanity so ofc they'd be sympathetic and understanding..... idk HOW i didn't think of that but thank you for bringing that up to me omg

2. it's actually crazy that u bring that up bc me and vikki @permetstu were just talking abt this the other day bc i was surprised at how many overlapping symptoms there are between bpd and ptsd and so i googled it and found that actually bpd and cptsd are pretty commonly confused as each other BECAUSE of the overlap in symptoms !!!! but you're dead on, they can and often do co-occur bc both ptsd and bpd are rooted in trauma. i personally still would lean towards bpd for ben over cptsd bc of his abandonment issues which seem (from a quick google tbf so it's not like im an expert lmao) to occur in bpd but not in cptsd. but like i said im not an expert and they can co-exist !! i just think it's very interesting how other ppl are spotting the same things and talking abt a diagnosis that is so commonly misdiagnosed as bpd and vice versa. like at least i know im not imagining it lmao !!!

3 + 4. sadly i think you're right lmao that's exactly what i meant when i was talking abt there being an outcry if there was ever to be a bpd diagnosis for ben bc he's 'bad rep' bc of the things he's done. in that post i was talking abt bpd exclusively but you could apply that to any mental illness and you'd get ppl saying that they're excusing his behaviour instead of explaining it. ppl don't want explanations for someone's 'bad' i.e. outward behaviour/actions, not in characters and not in real life. ppl are more sympathetic to ppl who internalize their symptoms and/or have symptoms that don't really affect others, and i think that's another reason why ppl sympathise w callum more. i think it just comes down to ppl not wanting to understand the complexities of mental illness bc it's just easier to pass those behaviours off as personal issues/failure, someone's personality, someone being 'bad' etc etc u know? whereas something like ptsd fits a lot nicer into a box. for an outsider, it's less complicated, esp in someone like callum. callum saw/experienced bad things in the army, now he has this trigger that makes him act out a little bit. if you look at it in it's barest terms, it's a very defined cause and effect that is easy to understand. obviously it's not that simple, but that's how ppl view it. most mental illnesses don't have that very clear cause and effect, and therefore it's, for some reason, incredibly hard for ppl to wrap their head around. even if you were to say ben had ptsd too, it'd still be difficult for ppl bc what he's been thru 'isn't as bad' as what callum has, so what do you mean he's traumatised ?? like honestly there is a problem with how we all collectively view trauma. even when i first started having counselling and ppl were tellind me 'this thing traumatised u' i'm like ??? that's not Trauma tho. but trauma doesn't have to mean something horrific or violent. there is no threshold for trauma and it hurts all of us to have one. if smth fuck u up, it fucked u up. just bc u weren't in a warzone or physically abused in some way doesn't mean you can't still be traumatised, and i think that's a difficult pill for ppl to swallow.

5. when i said that i didn't mean to compare their storylines, i just kind of meant look at the reactions (both on screen and off) to callum's symptoms vs ben's vs isaac's. they're all mentally ill (as far as i'm concerned lmao) but you've got someone who's very easily sympathised with vs someone who is unsympathetic bc of his behaviour vs someone who is unsympathetic bc they're 'scary' or 'crazy'. it comes back the same issues of how obvious is the cause and effect and how sympathetic are their symptoms. but yeah, i agree isaac's sl is completely different for all the reasons you said but also the conversation of (mis)diagnosis in poc for these types of things and also medicating these types of illnesses but that's a whole other conversation but yh lmao i was purely just comparing different reactions to different illnesses and presentations of those illnesses, that's all !

6. i do not know enough abt this particular topic to have an Opinion but i do know enough to know you're right and that you for bringing this up to me bc it will def be smth for me to consider moving forward !!!

💞💞💞

[heartbreakfiend]

Peace and Serenity

I finally achieved something I had thought I lost forever or would only come by in short glimpses and phases ..... For a while now maybe past couple years my anxiety and depression infected me so harshly that I wasn’t proud of who I’m or who I was becoming I mainly started to look for peace comfort and most of all happiness in people that would eventually just leave or tell me directly or in directly I wasn’t good enough and which sometimes led me to sleep w countless of women who were jus or more attractive just to make me fill that void again and feel something ironically one day remember it like it was yesterday change my mindset to stop letting people rent space time and energy in my mind w/o paying for it .... So many times people have told me they love me when they didn’t have a ounce of loyalty of even show real love I guess it’s easier to say than mean it these days I’m a culprit of this as well told countless of women that I love them when deep down I didn’t or didn’t even know all bc I had ulterior motives ... For a while I’ve been focusing on me and myself making money my only objective and jus being healthy both physically and mentally... it’s funny how God works I swear :) only he can see you doing well and try and multiply you’re blessings I found this girl who is the epitome and manifestation of a dream in fact it’s weird how comfortable I feel around her it shouldn’t be this natural I don’t have to pander or pretend to be into things I’m not or be fake interested in her day to day or her friends like everyone else b4 her it’s all genuine different from this entire “fake feminist” movement going on in society rn I respect the actual movement just not the pretentious women who cling on to a stupid notion and contradict themselves every day when they listen to the very same music that they claim offends them and they find misogynistic I guess as long it’s melodic and compressed w reverb “fuck that bitch or stupid hoe “ is less offensive haha anyways she’s non of that she’s just so comfortable in herself and I’m so infatuated by that ... she comes to my loft in NoHo around 7 every morning w is like 30 mins in the opposite direction from he university which is 10 min away from her house just to surprise me w breakfast and kick it for a hour b4 her class so many times I’ve gotten her so high she doesn’t even end up going to class that’s dedication if anyone has ever been thru LA traffic you know how special that kind of energy is she brings out the good in me makes me better everyday and I love that about her ... The fact she loves sports music tech movies art fashion and video games all the weird shit I’m into she is as well and it’s not forced like I tested how real she really studies this Shit like I do historian I say all this just to say I’m so happy to have in her my life and I don’t feel pressure to put a title on it or anything we’re exclusive she made it clear b4 our first time and I wouldn’t ever want to disrespect her or lose her I don’t feel to show her off to the world on social media for anyone else’s approval or to chase likes it’s surreal like she’s not like every girl asking me why won’t u post me she’s secure in her self and sometimes catches me slipping and I end up on her snap sleeping w a heart emoji and when I see that I kinda smile makes me realize how special she really is .... so I say that to end it with this work on yourself really work on yourself God will see the effort and reward you with somebody who wants the same things in life as you and is on the same wave length ... NEVER I REPEAT NEVER EVER FORCE ANYBODY TO BE IN YOUR LIFE WHO don’t want to be or respects your time. Lastly I fell victim to this don’t continue to comfort encourage and show genuine affection to someone who show you that your not that your not worth there effort and time bc they’ll never change there mind you’ll continue running in place for no reason Me personally Looking back is no longer a option I refuse to force myself on anyone ever again moving forward