#like genuinely i managed to make myself afraid of hurting myself again (achievement considering. everything) and that is. quickly eroding

[nexus-nebulae]

how to explain to 60 year old white woman that constantly "putting it off until later" means that eventually you cannot put it off any longer and it gets significantly worse the longer you don't do it

[asherlockstudy]

Rhett and Link’s problems with the Enneagram

I have now watched both Enneagram EBs and the second one actually set my gears to work (So Anon here it comes! I promise it was spontaneous).

After listening to Link and mostly Rhett talk about the Enneagram again and again, I realised I have a problem but I can not place its exact root. There is either something fundamentally wrong with the Enneagram itself or maybe it’s Rhett and consequently Link who talk about it in a way that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

My problem and cause of concern was that everything that was said during the two podcasts had a clear negative tone to it. I will have to bring in myself to it to give you an example so bear with me for a paragraph. I did the test and I am a 5 (Investigator - Observer, something like that) which suits me rather well, especially since it agrees perfectly with my Myers-Briggs INTP type. The results said I was a 5w6 (essentially an emotionless analytical robot) which is definitely wrong as I am clearly a 5w4 (a sad mess who analyses the world and searches pointlessly for the true meanings in life and wants to come up with the ultimate all-encompassing philosophy). I mean, OK, they are not described exactly like that but trust me, that’s the point. But despite all the flaws associated with it, especially in the fields of socialising and tremendous procrastination due to an insane fear of failure, I am actually very much in touch with it. I revel in analysing, in trying to see the bigger picture, to make up my own theory about life and the world. It gives me fuel to go on, it fills me with excitement, it gives me a purpose.

Now, what I kept hearing from Rhett and Link are the things they would hope to run away from. I can’t seem to remember a single positive thing they said about their personalities. All traits they mentioned ( which were all pretty one-dimensional for both I dare say) were presented in the context of torturing them and having to confront them. With these insights in their personalities and the spiritual deconstructions earlier, their old (surprising back then) statement that they are “fundamentally sad people” makes more and more sense. Some of their traits, like Link’s care for perfection to the smallest detail and his moral concerns could have been neutral or positive but, no, they are almost all given as clear negatives or at least as things that have an emotional toll on them.

This gives me the impression that Link and especially Rhett have found comfort in studying the Enneagram and try to find an explanation for what they are like, to feel part of a group, represented in their misery. In short, they focus on the analysis of the flaws of their personalities as a part of who they are and avoid dealing with the root that caused said flaws. Link is more self aware while Rhett still struggles to reach the root of it, which is his childhood. Not that he doesn’t know it but he can’t just deal with the people and the situations that impacted him enough to make him a three. For instance, Rhett seems to believe that he is a natural three that his parents made manifest even more strongly. It could be the case or the threeness we observe in him is the direct product of his parents’ constant judgement. By keeping chanting he needs to “be” instead of “do”, I am not sure Rhett will achieve much. Honestly, the one impactful step he needs to take is to stop caring about what his father thinks and I am sorry to say he is still not near achieving this. Especially when I take into account how scared he was during his videocall with his dad in GMM and how relieved he looked after the call was over without drama. In short, my problem with their take in the Enneagram is that it seems that Three is Rhett’s pack of unresolved issues rather than his complete personality type.

Furthermore, Rhett speaks knowingly about all numbers / personality types which proves he consumes passionately all Enneagram information that is available. For a man of his level of active lifestyle, hectic schedule and impatience, this shows that he indeed seeks comfort in finding a detailed description and an explanation for his personality, for the way he feels and acts. What does this mean? Well, that he does not like the way he feels about himself a lot. Not only that, but he is actually in a search of self. At this point, he is no longer cryptic about it but it is more serious than he lets on. He tries to make sense of himself and he tries desperately to find something in himself to love. I hope there are people in his life who let him know that he is worthy of their love, friendship and appreciation even though he is so deep inside his head that even the affectionate feedback can only help so much. Rhett will start finding some peace only if he takes the one step I mentioned above.

And then it seems that Link’s personality type is also exclusively a byproduct of his childhood and is aggravated by his relationship with Rhett. Link’s perfectionism doesn’t cause him enthusiasm - he just dreads the disturbance of his supposedly perfectly stable world. In all honesty, Link doesn’t strike me as an ambitious person. Link would just love to have his dear routine and a loyal person to share it with. Link needs stability and companionship. He is fine with just one person as long as this person contributes to the stability of their bond. Who that one person is in Link’s life is another story…

Link doesn’t care that much about the creative process and, frankly, he doesn’t care all that much about the comedy. Link cares to keep the environment Rhett and he work stable and safe. For Link, judgement from the audience is not as alarming as Rhett’s frustration because of it. Link cares to ensure that Rhett’s idea will be successful enough to keep working and to keep working together. So Link’s entire self-identification as a one seems to stem from his fear of abandonment and worthlessness only. Link fears he has not much to contribute to Mythical and he tries to counteract that by becoming the ultimate source of management and control. Because if he didn’t even manage the company, then what would Rhett need him for? Hence, Link’s obsession for control is a consequence of his fear, he doesn’t necessarily love to be in control for the sake of it. This is proven by his plane example, which shows that he finally relaxes when he does NOT need to be in control.

Link has been working hard most of his life to ensure his position next to Rhett. This brings even more insight in his resentment for Rhett that explodes from time to time. Link resents Rhett because he tries so hard to be always by his side but due to Rhett’s opportunitism, he can’t tell whether Rhett wants his companionship or he simply needs it for their brand. Even worse, Link dreads that the reason Rhett is his friend is because Link feeds his ego with his loyalty and admiration, because he takes Link for granted and not because he loves Link for who he is.

“Do you care for me or do you revel in the fact that I care for you?”

Now, I can’t get inside Rhett’s head but I doubt he uses people. I believe his genuine care for Link can be found in the weirdest examples - those from which Rhett has nothing to gain i.e getting frustrated when Link doesn’t enjoy food as much. Yes, this is a sign of love. Rhett enjoys food so much that he wants to share that enjoyment with Link. He can’t realise Link’s tongue works differently - he thinks Link is missing out and it frustrates him. Another silly example is Rhett buying Apocalypse equipment for a clearly disinterested Link and probably never getting its money’s worth back. This is important to Rhett for some reason and he is concerned enough to protect careless Link as well despite having no personal gain from it.

The truth is that these two men feed off each other; Rhett keeps Link attached to him to always feel worthy and Link keeps Rhett attached to him to always feel safe. However, the fact that Rhett is almost his entire source of safety and that Link is Rhett’s biggest calibrator of worth is indicative of the levels of love and need. Nevertheless, Rhett and Link are not independent people. They were constantly in search of support from one another and they lost themselves in the process of satisfying others or being safe. This is something they are realising only now.

Link’s fear of abandonment is so big that it frequently leads him to an almost paranoid behaviour. It is crazy that he felt left out when Rhett communicated with the audience during a podcast whose key purpose is to… communicate with the audience. His fear here has two sides: 1) that Rhett didn’t consider him an equally important business partner so he preferred to speak directly to the audience and 2) that Rhett isn’t emotionally invested in him in order to open up to him. And by saying he can deceive people if he needs, Rhett doesn’t help Link overcome his huge insecurities. This is why Link begs Rhett to talk to him about his feelings more. He does not understand whether Rhett loves him or uses him. The notion that Rhett doesn’t truly love or appreciate him is one of his biggest fears in life.

As for Rhett, it is certainly huge growth that he starts opening up and being vulnerable to a few thousand strangers yet it all still derives from his need to be accepted by said strangers as I am afraid that the late disproportionate criticism he gets for silly stuff on Twitter and Tumblr surely don’t help him deal with his issues, no matter how hard he tries. Therefore, Rhett is trapped in a vicious circle. Besides, Rhett was overly sensitive to be hurt when Link stated the obvious; that he was being vulnerable in hopes to be understood and accepted, because that was clearly what Rhett was openly doing. However, having someone discussing openly his vulnerability immediately made Rhett retreat back to his shell because no matter how hard he tries, Rhett hasn’t managed to separate vulnerability from weakness in his mind yet.

Long story short, Rhett and Link might be Three and One respectively but I am not sure they have a good understanding of themselves anyway. They may have figured out their types correctly but they certainly narrow their entire sense of being to their unresolved issues and phobias. They entirely lack a sense of self-worth and they probably have not realised the extent of the traumas in their youth. In the Enneagram language, the nine personality types have nine levels of development. I believe Rhett and Link are either in the average levels or the mildest unhealthy level. They are certainly not in the healthy top three levels.

Their obsession with the Ennegram helps only superficially but they seem to have based an illogically huge part of their self exploration on it. The Enneagram might offer some insight but won’t offer the resolutions they long for and badly need in order to find some relief. The ones that come when you confront your environment instead of overanalysing yourself and beating yourself up because of it.

[peyoon]

Goodbye, my one and only.

This might not be the best moment to send this sorta thing, but I'm afraid it is time to do so.

For so long I've thought that I was going to be able to handle it, the truth. I hoped for the best and clinged into a hopeless case of a one-sided love as my only resource of strenght. Only to realize now, that I'm nothing but alone, and if that wasn't enough, I'm dying too. My cancer has spread to other areas of my body, the treatment has not been working, only making it worse, to be fair. It's time for me to say my farewells. First than anything, I want you to know that it's not your fault at all. It was never your fault to begin with, and I hope you know it. All this time I've been trying to send messages comfortably with cheerful topics, but in reality everything has been rough. I keep on fainting, coughing blood out of nowhere. Not even my dad can be calm, he can't even get enough sleep these days. The doctors have given up on me already, and so did I. That's why, I'm moving in to Busan, near the beach, to at least be able to enjoy my last month of life near a place I've always wanted to be in. Don't worry though, if you still want to keep in touch by that time, I'm still able to go in my computer these days and type for some time. I'm just not able to hold my phone for long periods of time, or do things like holding my guitar like I used to, play around... It still seems unrealistic to me, but I've had to get used to the reality since it's already there. It's weird to think about the amount of things I wanted to do as soon as I grew up, and now that I'm an adult the only things I'm able to do is to lay in bed the whole day and eat light meals. Motivation is no longer a word that I can recognize easily. Two weeks ago I'd wish time hurried its way up so I'd be able to talk a little bit more with you, but today I'm just staring at the roof without any emotion. Before I was even brave enough to send the first message, I went through your personal tag, which is why I apologized in the first instance. I'm sorry that you got heartbroken, and I'm also sorry that you're yet not able to get over a relationship that mattered a lot to you, I can sincerely understand that feeling just now. You deserve to be loved, even if you can't express your feelings very well, but you have them deep inside of you, just as livid as anyone else. You're still young, and I know that I'm not exactly much older than you (well, in SK I'd be 21 in October, but who cares) but I shall let you know that there are things more important than love itself. You still have a long way to go, dreams to achieve, and even when you feel hopeless and worthless, I want you to know that there's someone who believes genuinely in you, and that's me. I'd talk in behalf of anyone else who's friends with you, but I don't know their mind. I knew it wasn't the right time to ask for an opportunity to be loved by you when I did ask, but I felt that time kept on hurrying me up. Certainly, I didn't know there was so little time left when I asked. I'm now relieved that we did not go any further, since the news would have hurted you. I don't think I'd have been able to forgive myself if that was the case. Even when I got hurt by some of your comments, when I saw you getting hurts by others, frustrated at yourself, giving me short answers, I still did want to be beside you. Well, not to play fool, I still do, but it's no longer healthy for any of us. My head is in pain right now, but I'll try my best to write down all I've ever wanted to say. I know that we both went through really hard times, and almost experienced the same sort of emotional pain when it came to our families, so I think I can talk about it comfortably. There are times when you get upset at your director and let them win over you by not going to school or just giving yourself a hard time due to the same reasons. You'll learn to handle it on your own, but I know that you know better than that right now. You know, all this time I've had to deal with criticism from all sides. At first it was my family, then even my co-workers would make certain comments that would make me go mad. One day I even had to hide in the corner of the stairs because I couldn't keep myself together, so I ended up crying. Thankfully no one saw me and I was able to go back to work like nothing happened. Still, I was so frustrated because I was doing my best at work, even working overtime to get everything done while the rest of the employees would leave everything behind without having anyone behind their backs the whole time. But I can tell you something for sure, I always did as they asked me to, and I let them walk on me as if I didn't have any dignity. I didn't have it back then, but as I started to work in different companies and analyzed each of my bosses, I've come to notice that people on higher positions grow to be straight up fools, not to say any cuss word. So don't take it personal, they're so used to having control of everything and giving orders that for them doing rude things it's just a daily thing. But you, love, will be able to go through all of this even if it seems like it's impossible. I can assure you that. And even if you don't feel like you can deal with it, I'll be there to give you the strenght you need, even if you don't see me around anymore. At least I've been able to sleep in the afternoons, since I keep on dozzing off due to medication. My legs are giving up most of the time too, so I've started to walk funnily. I've still tried to ignore the pain, but it's still there, bothering me. Even if you no longer reply to this message, I will fully understand, as I wouldn't know what to reply if I were you. I'll still make sure to send you lots of pictures of the beach once that I get there, though. I've wanted to become a singer ever since I was little, but as I grew up I also noticed that I didn't really crave attention so I ended up wanting to become a music producer, not only to produce my own music in the comfiness of a room, but to be able to let other musicians share their music too. It's a shame that wasn't meant to happen. Still, thanks to your charming little emoticons, deep conversational skills, adorable smile and overall an amazing existence, you managed to get within the  rotten walls of my feelings, and that motivated me to write songs these days, after not being able to write songs for years. It's really the only thing that makes me want to wake up after dozzing off for 12 hours in a row. So I'm deeply thankful, once again. I'll be more likely working on these songs and taking pictures of the beach for the rest of the month, so hopefully you'll get to hear them before the time comes as they're made for no one but you. Hmph... I remember one week ago I'd have considered that one phrase "If you really love someone, you need to know how to let go" and I wanted to let you go for the same reasons, but now it just turned out to be like this and I thought it's funny the way life sneaks up on you. My eyes are getting heavy once again and I'd save this as a draft just like the other two that I've written down, but since I keep on changing my words all the time, I'll just send this one, as this is the one in which I've expressed myself the most. If you will remain quiet, I'll just end this note thanking you for everything. Thank you for existing, for allowing me to feel love at one point of my life, for being here right now, for unknowingly teaching me so many things, for playing games with me at ungodly hours when I was depressed... For never giving up on me, and giving me words of strenght when I was not able to hold myself together. I love you, I really do. And I wish that you live a long, meaningful and healthy life, in which you'll achieve every single dream you've wanted to. I hope that you never isolate yourself too much as it's really painful, and I don't want for you to be hurt by any means. I hope that you find yourself in a healthy relationship at the right time with someone who is loving towards you and will take care of you the way they'd take care of their parents. Also, someone who likes cats as much as you do, since they're a very important part of your life. And finally, I wish health for your family and those who matter to you, and that everything gets sorted out so you don't ever doubt about your worth. You really are a wonderful person, the love of my life, and the best mother your cats could ever have. Oh! Before I forget about it, I've been tagging some things for you on my main tumblr account as "k" so feel free to see them. Most of them are cats. It's really time for me to get going now. I would like to promise that I'll be around to update you on anything, but it's no longer something that I can have for sure. I'll assure you though, you'll get to hear those songs one day. Even if I can't finish them, I'll make sure that my closest friend works on them so you can have them. Please be safe out there, Stay out of trouble and be kind to people.

Your weird half-korean friend, Park Yoon Ah.

[elizabethroseandrade]

The Thing I Hate Most - Being Still

“Be still would you!” says a parent to a squirming child. We are very familiar with this kind of scene. It doesn’t bother me at all if anything I must control my giggles because I was a lot like that child when I was younger. But as I’ve been back in Murfreesboro, a small southern town of 120,954 residents, I am no different than that squirming child.

           For some, 120,000 isn’t small. But you’ve got to keep in mind, I grew up in cities with way more people. Recife, a historic city of Brazil, holds 3,768,902 inhabitants! So, Murfreesboro is a small town to me. Also, keep in mind, it’s a city that is only now growing at a steady rate, bringing bigger businesses, more traffic and construction. Yet it still has its small-town feeling. Ages ago this kind of environment drove me nuts. To this day, you can’t go anywhere without a car. There is barely any public transport as the major cities have. With living in Chicago for school, I have been able just to swipe my card and go adventuring to any part of the city without having to spend any money out. In Murfreesboro, even if you just want to go hang out for a while in Nashville without spending much money, you end up using gas for a 40-minute commute from Murfreesboro to Nashville and back.

           The lifestyle here is so much slower. There are fewer locations to just “chill” at. The best option is our local Starbucks which does have the feel of a genuine coffee shop. Since we are in a “commuter town” the Starbucks can function as an authentic coffee shop without the Dunkin Doughnuts madness of the city. But again, it requires a car to get there since it isn’t walking distance – and if it were, there aren't any sidewalks from my house to that location. And when there are, it's usually a highway bridge or a street full of crazy traffic with little space between the road and the sidewalk, which isn’t safe.

           Right now, I’m writing this in the very coffee shop I was talking about. And as I sit here, spending one more 24-hour day trying to find something big to do… I realize that I don’t always have to be working on the next big project. This summer, I applied to over 12 different jobs. Not even one got back to me. Before you reason out why it didn’t work out, keep in mind I have 2 years of experience with Starbucks as a full-time Barista and a clean record. I came into each store and spoke to all the managers I could manage to contact. All referred me back to their online applications. All were looking for summer staffing. Not even one got back to me.

           Currently, I am in a place where I don’t have a core group of friends. I have very few that lasted through middle school, especially high school. And those that I am in contact with are all doing internships or doing some awesome things with their lives. I am beyond happy for them, but even then, they just aren’t here. They aren’t present. The ability to just pack a bag, grab your keys and go adventuring without dropping a dime has been taken from me.

           I am being held hostage to do the one thing I hate doing the most – being still.

           I don’t hate Tennessee anymore as I used to when I was younger. I’ve come to learn so much about myself and how to appreciate life here. The slow pace forces me to deal with myself.

Daily living for me has always been a battle. When I’m in Chicago, I can avoid it because I can distract myself with adventures, nights out and stay up late. But when I am back in my family’s house – I must be out of bed after 10 am and I have people keeping me accountable to clean. I don’t like being messy, please understand that. If it were up to me, I would organize a space to achieve the most efficient, clean, and spacious appeal. But daily getting up out of bed and facing the mundane task of brushing my teeth, making my bed, folding my clothes, putting things up, repeatedly every single day exhausts me. I find no purpose in this, there is no satisfaction in it for me.

           Satisfying cleaning for me is a deep, thorough clean which usually takes about 2-3 hours. Satisfying chores are reorganizing my closet and drawer space which takes up a good amount of time to sort through. See the pattern? It must make a noticeable difference and require my full attention. It’s gotta be a big project, or else I’m not interested.

           But Sometimes the most God honoring thing you can do is simply get out of bed.

Sometimes it is finally washing, drying, folding (and yes, putting away) the laundry you’ve been avoiding for weeks on end. Sometimes it could be cleaning your room, doing the dishes, etc. The most God honoring thing we may do at times is only live life daily. Getting up, brushing your teeth, actually eating breakfast, putting some nice casual clothes on, and taking care of yourself and your habitat. I find these things to be the hardest part of my life. I’m always ready to race after special moments, almost obsessed with having great nights out regularly.

But that takes a toll on me not only emotionally and spiritually, but even physically. Usually, with nights like that, I don’t get much sleep. Most times the bedroom is a forest of clothes that have suddenly made its way out of my closet/dresser and onto my floor. Shoes scattered from running from one occasion to the next, and never even thought to take a second to be simply.

Much of my spring semester was that kind of madness. Running around sometimes for myself, but always after other friendships, maintaining them with every ounce of energy I could muster. I look back and regret much of my late nights. Yes, I have memories with some great people, but I personally took a hit. The one I wasn’t expecting. Daily life was so hard. Getting up for class sometimes felt like a chore that I avoided like the plague. What happened? Did I not care about my education?

           That is far from the truth. But this is what was true – I wasn’t living. I have found that my greatest weakness lies in the day to day living. It’s so easy to get ready for a girl’s night out, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is so hard to wake up and even try to get out of bed sometimes. There are moments where I thought I couldn’t move, that’s how crippling my anxiety was about the mundane task of day to day living.

           A source of this fear comes from my childhood. I’m afraid to enjoy everyday life fearlessly and be at the moment because it only took a moment to change my life completely. One minute I’m enjoying life in Brazil, the next moment I have been told we are moving away from this home to a new one. In one moment, I was deeply involved in a person’s life, the next moment they have excommunicated me – in some situations, even bullied me. One moment I am deeply in love and loving someone, and the next… He doesn’t want to love me anymore, and the promise of forever and always is cut short to 6 months instead of a lifetime. In any of these moments, you can express sympathies. We have all been hurt by simply being. For me, simply being is the hardest thing in the world to do. Because you really aren’t doing anything. You are just being idle in movement and breathing in and out for more that 5 minutes. Why can’t we just go to the next thing?

           God has put me in a situation where everything is on hold for the next 6 weeks, and I must simply “be” present and enjoy life. I do not claim that my life is boring, nor that I am not privileged. The Lord has overwhelmingly blessed me with a comfortable life when it comes to a house, a family, and transportation. But we must consider the individual being.

           For my remaining time in Murfreesboro, in this rare gift of endless free time, I will clean the house, sort through my things I left senior year, hang out with family and friends. But most of all. I’ll simply be. I won’t look any longer for this “greater purpose” because the biggest thing I can do right now to honor the Lord is to just receive the gift of rest and stop complaining about it so much to him.

[writingwithrishhe-blog]

How To Write A Love Letter To Yourself

 Big yourself up, no seriously.

In life, things can get tough. Most of us don't even realize how much difficulties we face daily, also while conducting business through work, school or taking care of our responsibilities at home.

It can be a lot, and when sh*t goes wrong, it can have a detrimental impact on our already stressful lives. It's easy for us to get down on ourselves when times get hard, especially when we have a million things going on at once. 

Whether going through a terrible breakup, losing your job or attempting to keep up with good grades at school, it can be A LOT. I'd know first hand. We can quickly feel neglected or forgotten about as well, especially for those of us who rarely have someone to talk to at times.

During these challenging times, we tend to beat up on ourselves. Anxiety may kick in, then comes depression and we're left feeling stressed out. Majority of the time, most of us are alone when we are going through our darkest moments; this isn't fair to anyone. When we do get into this space, although quite hard, it is important to remember not to be too hard on ourselves. 

We are only human, and we all do that best that we can. It hurts the most when you feel misunderstood or abandoned, primarily by those who we thought would have our backs in times of need. 

You aren't as bad as you think you are, and life isn't as unfair as it may feel at times. There is so much to be grateful for, including how far you've come and each obstacle you've endured. It's only right that you take some time to yourself to reflect and remind yourself just how unique and essential you are to the world and people around you.

During a very stressful time in my life, I wrote a love letter to myself. At the time, it was something I needed very much so. I was at a point where I felt I was being attacked in more ways than one. Everything seemed to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I felt myself slipping back into darkness, a place I told myself I would never revisit. 

It felt like I had no one in my corner and I needed to find a way to offer myself comfort and encouragement in some way shape or form.

Maybe one day in the future I'll share that letter with you all (it honestly might make some of you shed a tear or two), but for now, let's focus on the main topics I covered and apply it to your soon to be love letter:

 1. I spoke about what I loved about myself.

At the time this letter was written, I was in a place where I felt no one was able to see the value I added to their lives. I didn't feel genuinely appreciated and often felt worthless to the ones I would have done anything for. 

I almost believed the way they made me feel. As I slowly began to come to my senses, I thought I needed to remind myself how unique I was. I needed to name all of the things about myself that did, in fact, hold value and made me very special, even if no one else cared to see it.

Point out your quirks, your talents, gifts, and abilities. Heck, boast about your physical features if you must. What makes you stand out from the crowd? What do others love about you? We tend to pick at what we think may be wrong with us and rarely shine a light on what makes us special. Do that now.

 2. I spoke about the fondest memories others may have of me.

This memory could even be that one tiring but funny story your Uncle David had repeated over a thousand times from when you were eight years old. What about an act of kindness where you've helped someone in need? Even if it was a stranger, it counts. 

These are the imprints we leave on peoples hearts even as time passes on. Take credit for having a genuine sense of human nature. Also, how does it make you feel about yourself thinking back on these acts of kindness?

 3. I reflected on a time in my life (well, a few times) where I felt sad, afraid and alone. 

This one made me choke up, really bad. I thought about times where everything around me felt like darkness. I had no idea what the future would bring and honestly didn't know what the next day would look like for me.

This journey down memory lane made me realize how far I've come and how much I have managed to mature all on my own (feeling alone is something I've grown to be accustomed too for most of my life, even while being amongst people I adore).

It inspired me to look back and see how I managed to keep pushing forward at a time when I honestly didn't know any better. I was sad and down for a long while, and I felt that maybe that's just how my life was meant to be, but I was so wrong.

I know, I know, this one's a real tear-jerker, but I promise you will appreciate yourself and your journey so much more.

What was happening in that part of your life? What was the saddest part about that moment? Was someone taken out of your life or did they walk out on their own? Did someone betray you? How did it make you feel? How did you get over the hurt? What would you do differently now?

It hurts a lot to open old wounds, but most of us have had wounds that weren't appropriately healed because we chose to ignore the fact that it was there in the first place. To grow, we must go back and correct unfinished chapters to give ourselves closure. If not, the pain will carry on with us forever.

 4. I forgave myself and others for causing me pain.

Yup. I had to forgive myself for willingly putting myself in situations that I knew could potentially hurt me. I have a big heart, and even when I know better, to this day, I still find myself trying to see the best in people.

My problem was that I often tried to see the best out of the worst people. 

No Bueno. 

This confusion only added to my already present trust issues. At times, I'd allow the pain I felt to have a negative effect on people that didn't deserve it. I had to forgive myself and tell myself that it was ok because I am only human.

And for the people that deliberately chose to disregard my feelings, I allowed them to hold that power over me the more I felt upset about it. I had to tell myself it was ok because in reality, hurt people hurt people. 

If you are able to know better than someone who has caused you pain, you have already won. Your level of perception is more exceptional than there's, and that is your power. Never stoop to their level again. The right ones will eventually come forward and admit their faults when the time is right. This doesn't mean that you have to let them back in your life either.

Who are the people who've hurt you or left when you needed them the most? How about anyone that gave you their word just to go against it? Is there anyone who you may have damaged that you might want to show remorse for, even if to yourself? It's also healthy to check yourself when you're in the wrong, don't be inconsiderate or use your pain as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Be gentle to yourself, don't beat yourself up for having a big heart. We live in a world where acting cold is the new normal. Be thankful for being genuine.

 5. I made a quick list of my goals for the near future

This one sounds pretty basic, but there's more meaning behind it for me. For a long while, I wasn't even able to make a goal that seemed realistic to accomplish, even for things some would consider minor and overly achievable. 

This mindset that I had goes to show you what I thought of myself to be, not much at all.

Now that I've grown and matured drastically, I've slowly but surely been able to find myself (and still searching). In the past, my dreams weren't as vivid as they are now. I work at my goals every single day to make my visions become a reality. I'm amazed at how far I've come and how much my mindset has developed for the best. This growth has made me so very thankful for everything I have ever been through, no matter how dreadful it was while going through it.

What goals did you have then (if any) and how much of them have you achieved successfully? At a time of failure, what was your motivation to push forward? How about now? Life is too short to live without purpose. We all need to find at least one thing that brings love and happiness to our hearts.

 Go and write your love letter and finish it off with direct statements of how much you love yourself. Express how proud you are of yourself, especially for how far you've come. 

You have the power to make the best out of your future. Learn from your mistakes and stay positive. You are doing the best that you can. Wake up each day with a positive mindset. You'll thank yourself later. 

Shay <3