#like i dont hate it but i just dont find myself actively seeking for movies in this genre

[lady-of-endless]

Hello! I hope you're doing well. May I please request a romantic matchup for One Piece?

My pronouns are she/her and I prefer men.

Personality: Leo, INFJ, 1w9, HP house Ravenclaw. Making an effort to understand myself and others is important to me, so that leads to long periods of pondering my actions, as well as others’. I love having me time, though I enjoy being with those close to me from time to time. I'm very supportive, encouraging, reserved, clumsy, easily flustered, athletic, conscientious, witty and sarcastic. Though I unintentionally come across as intimidating, I'm rather gentle and caring. I'm pretty stoic and some misinterpret it as being emotionless (I honestly just want the best for everyone). I rarely lose my cool. I’m adventurous and have completed a dream of mine–living/working in a country that doesn’t speak my native language. I actively search for things to be thankful for to remind myself that there's a lot of beauty in the world, and I'm glad to experience it. I adore challenging myself both intellectually and physically. I am happiest when seeking out information, reason, and understanding. I’m really kinda superstitious…

I work as a foreign language teacher, so my job requires me to have patience, be understanding, be able to think on my feet, and be creative. I'm incredibly determind, which helps push me through difficult days. I strongly encourage those I teach to speak their minds and have open discussions.

My love languages are definitely acts of service and words of affirmation. I don't dislike physical affection when it's from my s/o, but I don't tend to seek it out. Quality time is fine, especially when we're just doing our own thing but sitting near each other. I will always appreciate gifts but hate feeling like I owe others.

Likes and Dislikes: I love discussing topcs that revolve around enigmas. It's not as important to have others agree with me as it is to explore the unknown with them. I like practicing the languages I know, biology, demonology, genealogy, reading, museums, Victorian history, singing, alternative rock and metal music, and exploring my surroundings. Cats and rodents are top tier pets. A large portion of what I read/watch relates to the occult. I dislike storms, large bodies of water, and people who always turn disagreements into arguments.

Hobbies: Writing horror stories, DnD, reading, singing, listening to music, playing the piano, dancing, watching horror movies, drawing, and yoga. As an avid horror fan, animated movies are for sure a guilty pleasure of mine.

Appearance: long wavy auburn hair and my eyes are more of a honey brown. I always wear round glasses. I'm pale with freckles on my cheeks and nose. 5’9, lean, more of an hourglass shape and have a bit of muscle. I mostly wear black and white, but also lilac :) My asthetic is a mix between grunge and dark academia.

I hope this wasn't too painfully long! 💜💜

Author's Note: Thank you for your request! Please dont apologize for the long description, it's helpful and very enjoyable. Hope you'll like it!

I ship you with... Mihawk!

(lovely gif is not mine, please show appreciation to the OP)

- Your ambitious personality draws him in, thinking of how beneficial is to collaborate with someone as ambitious and capable as him. Not to mention your ability to not lose your cool.

- He's feelings go from doubt, to fascination, to respect and then to attraction. He also takes time to understand himself and his feelings so it will definitely be a slow burn.

- He likes that you take time to ponder and then act. Whenever he sees you deep in thought he can't help it but wonder what's going on in that pretty mind of yours.

- Please be a little sarcastic with him too, he'll secretly like that.

- The fact that you try to find the beautiful things in life is something that he wants to learn from you but won't admit. You'll see him try though.

- Unintentionally intimidating looking? You two would look like such a power couple, oh my. Also your grunge and dark academia aesthetic goes so damn well with his aesthetic.

- He thinks that you are a magnificent woman. As days go on and he discovers more about you, you slowly become his muse.

- Because he knows just how determined, analytical and creative you are, he'll probably propose you to come with him to Cross Guild meetings. You'll be a fine addition and a great advisor. (this also gets him the chance to show you off)

- I think that even some of your likes and hobbies will perfectly match his. So perfectly that Mihawk is a bit doubtful at first. He's a bit confused, he always thought that his likes were a bit well, unique.

- Will love to spend a late night talking with you about enigmas and the occult over a glass of wine.

- He will ask you if you could play the piano for him after he had a long day. You may not notice but he looks the most enamoured when you're playing the piano for him.

- Oh and expect reading dates. He takes pride in his library so that's where you two would spend most of the time together.

- He takes note of your dislikes. During stormy weather, Mihawk will invite you next to him to keep you warm. He will start reading to you so that you'll hear his voice instead of the wind and the thunders from outside. He hates it when disagreements turn into arguments as well, so expect him to always come to you and discuss calmly whatever disagreement you two might have.

- Dear, to me you sound like the perfect match for Mihawk, I have nothing else to say.

[stovvvveb]

I hate beeing left alone

Im so grateful for my little sister whos the only one who stays at home when everyone leaves for work

Everytime im left alone my thoughts grow louder

I hate listening to them

I hate feeling lifeless

My sister has cried many times when my parents dont let her outside

She cries saying how much she hates when school ends because now she has to spend two whole months stuck surrounded by four walls with nothing to do

I have felt the same way for most of my life

And it hurts me to leave her when i go on small trips to queens or places with my sister

I feel terrible because I understand that feeling so well

Having to be excluded from every social event or any fun trip with cousins not siblings because i didnt grow up with them

Not until i was nine i met my oldest sibling

Even then there was a clear distinction in our relationship beyond age

But thats another topic

I digress, i plan on having reading time with my little sister

Where we both read for an hour or split it throughout the day

To give our minds a break from internet and also to have some brain nourishment i dont know

Every time im left alone i start to feel trapped or suffocated

I wish i could go outside beyond my yard

I want to go to parks and i want to ride a bike

I want to walk to grocery shops or delis even if they’re located thirty minutes or more away

Ive also cried many times just like her

Except i dont throw full on tantrums and destroy the sofas at the same time

My parents never really make time for my sister

Or for any of us

My mom even jokes about how my sister only talks about me

How she only listens to me and not her

Or how im the only one whos able to calm her down when she cant stop crying

I dont really want this responsibility

And i lash out sometimes that shes her mother!

But then I remember that my parents are constantly working

As much as i might not like it, i have to be selfless and share the burden with my parents since im the only one available

I told my brother once how I understood and felt the same way as my sister

How excluded i felt as a kid from my family

Ermm he reacted by mocking me and saying aww with pursed lips that made me want to punch him sooo bad

I guess he wouldn’t understand since he grew up in not only a different country but with cousins and a sibling about their age

Lame

That feeling of exclusion wasnt helped when i also felt like the only cousins that i did have and were my age only visited my house for my internet and not because they wanted to see me

I wonder if that joke was serious or if it had some truths in it

My cousin who ive grown closer to? Has told me many times how he genuinely hated me or was annoyed by me when we were younger

So when my little sisters cries or expresses that she feels similar to this way i just want to hug her and tell her that its okay you have me here too

Iiiiiii find it hard to express that

Earlier we fought and it got a little bad

She cried

I felt really bad

I later apologized and i offered to massage her hand

She hasn’t said that she’s forgiven me but i dont want forgiveness i just want her to know im sorry

I want to make her a nice breakfast tomorrow

Ill even start making the bed more often

I really feel like the worst sibling alive

I dont play often with her

I mean not like hide and seek and stuff

We draw together

We read together

Watch movies

But like play toys and stuff we never really did

This summer ill make it up to her

We will play outside

Its so hard for me though

Most days I genuinely feel like doing nothing

I hate something and im always languish or walking around and laying down like a ghost

Ill have to force myself

Maybe we can do activities we both like outside

And we cab even try to bake together

I have many ideas

[duneworms]

2021 is trying—and succeeding—at convincing me through the harder they fall and the power of the dog that westerns are actually pretty interesting

[zhuhongs]

なんか私の想いが溢れ出した. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)

I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t really talk much irl. I don’t talk, I can’t connect properly. Every time I’m out with people I just feel fundamentally, like… different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking “oh it’ll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. It’s been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. They’re so loud and bright. I’d much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just don’t like movies bc I can’t sit through them and I can’t focus and I don’t get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really don’t like came along. I just, I don’t like her. She’s just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just can’t stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just can’t figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, I’ll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just don’t know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - it’d be easy.  I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I don’t like her but when she says like “simp” when she’s nonblack I could just be like. “Hey don’t say that, here’s why” and I’m sure she’d stop. Yet I can’t bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ちゃんとできない。 ちゃんと伝えない。During the entire movie I was thinking to myself that I’d rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I don’t have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public. 

But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly like… wow… maybe human connection really is good. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.  

The entire time though, I didn’t talk much. I don’t really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece I’m interrupting others just to say something that wasn’t really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. I’m bad at talking in social situations but I’m great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because I’m expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like you’re supposed to contribute in those places. It’s acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesn’t really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. It’s so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. It’s passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We don’t want input, it annoys us. I don’t like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like it’s coming out correctly. None of my words feel like they’re coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I can’t post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise I’ll never get any better. And I know it’s okay to do things wrong, but still, I can’t let myself do that. Again, I do fine when I’m at work and school. I’m functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasn’t spoken to. 

When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didn’t get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldn’t you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. I’m afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not really the same in person. I’m bad at talking, bad at connecting. I’m not a proper person. But I feel like that’s okay. It’s okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like “oh I’m sorry I keep talking about myself” but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe I’ll tell them the arcane secrets of how I’ve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I don’t think I’ve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasn’t doing it right. She just didn’t get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, “oh yea, you got it, that’s it.” and move along bc I didn’t think she’d get it. She’s the type that doesn’t really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesn’t register. I’ve learned to choose my battles. I didn’t really think she wanted to get it. So I didn’t tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I can’t communicate properly. I can’t speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I don’t talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that I’m the wrong one. 

I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like “so what’s new with you, twin” (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didn’t know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like “work, school, yk how it is” and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I don’t know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.

I’m scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like I’m only talking to myself. People often don’t hear what I had to say. And I don’t repeat myself. If it was something someone didn’t hear, in my head, that means that it wasn’t important enough to repeat. I’m afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i don’t repeat myself, not bc I’m mad at the person who didn’t hear me. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I don’t believe my words to be worth repeating. I don’t want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it won’t come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was “what power do you want” and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. I’m still thinking about that quiz. It was good.

I know that I’m worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I don’t want to do that. I’d rather listen. I only like talking when it’s safe like it is here. I’m trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot.  I can’t talk any other way. I don’t tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end. 

Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. It’s comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.

But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friend’s friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her mom’s situation was really similar to my own mom’s situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didn’t say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like ‘oh me too, it's the same for me too” I feel like I’m derailing. I know I’m not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, it’s worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wow… in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didn’t stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, there’s still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, we’re all the same.

I’m not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I don’t let people see me. I don’t let people in, I’d rather keep them out. I’m a picky, boring person. I don’t like people easily and I don’t tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I don’t like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. It’s all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I don’t think I said any of it right. I’m not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal. 

[flesh-into--gear]

whenever I see my lgbt dudes on here posting things about modern lgbt shows, movies, music, etc, I always begin to feel kinda like a failure as a trans/lgbt person. I haven't seen any of these things. I'm barely immersed in the lgbt culture at all; most of it that I know is all either from my birth-through-early-teen years, which really only consists of the middle of the riot grrrl movement which was the early 90s, and whatever misguided but extremely important at the time (read: Will and Grace, Xena was on the way out by the time I was able to watch it and this was before you could really just watch reruns whenever you wanted) was on television later.

(I really can't tell you what Will and Grace secretly meant to me, as a young teen, in a time when that was pretty much the only show that didn't have lgbt people specifically as a punchline in a straight narrative. even when I didn't understand what I was feeling. sure, it's dated now and it definitely has its issues, but the context of the media environment at the time was so abysmally straight and mocking of lgbt people... you had to be there to understand it I guess.)

I didn't have the exposure to a lot of that stuff. I only had cursory exposure to the RG movement; I only recently started digging back into that after playing Gone Home which made me bawl like a baby and being reminded that that was around the time I was born.

I'm so happy that all of you now have so many artists and pieces of media to watch and listen and read and enjoy. and I say you guys because for some reason, despite being a trans person, I... have a really hard time actively getting into anything lgbt centric that isn't music, nor do I really seek it out. and I think it's because I'm scared of what that means for me.

because I still feel like an outsider. I still feel like an imposter, despite the fact I've been on estrogen and blockers for three months now, and all my friends and select family know that I'm trans. a part of me... I spent many, many years being completely emotionally and mentally shut off, in a severe depression, and was suicidal. I knew I didn't feel normal. I didn't know what I was. I knew I felt nothing. and would often say "if I could chose, I would have been born a girl." I didn't know what that meant. I grew up in a small backwater ass rural southern town in Virginia. "trans" wasn't even anything I knew was a thing until I was 19 at college. and that sent me spiraling even further. because I didn't know if that was me, but I knew it felt right and I knew people would hate me because of it. especially all of my friends at the time, save for two. and so I pushed it back down and forgot about it, but it kept getting harder and harder to hold back.

I spent another five years actively closeting myself because I didn't feel like I deserved it, like I didn't belong there either. like I was making it up. basically just reinforcing a lot of the things I hadn't necessarily been told, but had been suggested to me with other events in my life that we won't get into here. and when I finally came out to myself and my friend who would eventually become my partner, I had a full on break. and when I came out to my sister, I had another full on break. I'm awful at doing anything that benefits me, another byproduct of my upbringing, and this to me was so hugely personal, clearly I couldn't deserve it and I was just faking it for attention. I was an ugly bearded hairy dude who is still (some of it is coming back) losing his hair. I would never be a "real" girl nor did I deserve to be because of it. it was selfish and stupid and I should just keep being a boy like I was told when me putting on my sister's recital costumes started getting a little weird once I wasn't 5.

I've been on tumblr since 2010, when I was 18. off and on sometimes, but overall, consistently on since 2010. and this site was my first true exposure to my community. and who I was as a person. and so I started looking into it on here. finding trans people (which was kinda hard at the time still?), and a lot of lgbt people. and it was kinda like coming home. I discovered myself here, really. I did. and that's stupid to say, but this was my first real exposure to who I was. and I still felt like an imposter, despite what every bone in my body was screaming at me.

and so cut to current me, sitting in a bathtub, extremely hormonal, watching @rozecrest (I'm so glad you made that post on antipollenkids letting people know you switched, thank you! I hadn't seen you post anything and I was hoping nothing had happened to you) and @ezurad and @numawaffle and so many others on my feed posting these modern pieces of media that I would have killed to have had when I was younger. I kinda wonder if I would be different if I had had them, but that's another thing for another day.

and despite you guys constantly posting all of these amazing things I love reading and seeing, I still feel undeserving of consuming them. I also get hyper-emotional, and stuff tends to stick with me months after. I still have only partially recovered from Gone Home because that hit so personally and that was six months ago. dont even get me started on "just a phase". and I don't know if any of that is problematic, I'm too out of the loop on that because I'm from the before-times but hoo did it shoot me right through my poor heart because that really was it. and in that respect I'm also terrified of it. because I know what it means for me. I'm 28, but I still have a good 14 years worth of untapped, stunted emotional development to go through because I didn't have a support network or parents willing to talk about things like that then.

I guess I'm just afraid that by diving in head first, I'm going to traumatize myself. I'm scared of the emotions and the weight that come with things like Moonlight. I'm scared of what it'll make me feel and what really it'll do to me. because I'm still extremely emotionally compromised because of my laundry list of mental health issues, and I still feel like an imposter in my own skin.

I don't know what the point of this was, but it felt weirdly cathartic to write out.

if anyone has any.... lighter? lgbt media recs please give them to me because I really am desperate for some. maybe get myself adjusted to actually allowing myself to feel emotion again. maybe it'll help me regain a piece of what I lost when I was suicidal.

also: I really want to say this. I see all of you in your own skin, fiercely defiant and unafraid of who you are and what you feel, and I just want you guys to know that that makes me so immeasurably happy and proud. I know I don't know really any of you, but I'm proud of you and I hope you all never lose that.

[rigginsstreet]

1, 8, 16, 18, 22, 23

1. give short descriptions of all your current WIPs.

well we got... the smut. which... takes place in the construction trailer. thats all im willing to say about it lmao

then i got the happiest season au so thats festive. 

then i got chapter 2 of the harringrove childhood best friends fic which is focusing on the high school years which will be super fun once get past the wall i hit but its fine its chill i got it

then i attempted to start 2 other fics a few weeks ago when i was feeling supes depressed lol and those were penelope reaching out to fp after freds funeral (as i said... i was depressed lmao) and the other one is sad christas where fred and fp make sweet love under the twinkling christmas lights but then have a big fight after bc that still sounds fun to me. dont know when those are ever gonna get finished but like... theyre there. i only got like one paragraph in to both of them tho so

8. which of your own projects have shaped your writing the most? in what way?

i think my writings been consistently terrible so this is not the question for me lmao whichever one i wrote first has pretty much just... set the tone

16. to what extent do you research for your writing?

the most research i ever put into any of my fics was googling when video game consoles were popularized in the home for the harringrove fic i fucking hate writing pre 90s i dont know shit. but beyond that the most im googling is like what year a song or movie came out

18. how do what you look for in your own writing vs someone else’s coincide? how does your writing influence your reading?

i dont think my writing influences my reading. as for the first question, i will say with smut i can read a LOT of shit, a LOT of certain language and im fine with it. but when it comes to me actually writing it suddenly i get so embarrassed and im like “this sounds cringey. no one writes it this way. dont use those words” but itll be about shit that is so commonplace in literally every smut fic ive ever read like i still cant reference balls it makes me uncomfortable lmfao but beyond that, im pretty critical of other peoples writing. like... to a certain extent i can put up with mistakes, but theres definitely a limit to that and even then im like fixing shit in my head to make it flow better as im reading. so the bar for me is always to just write better than the worst fics ive read. which... i can safely say i at least do that.

22. how much of your own self/experiences do you believe pours into your projects? if this differs per project, which projects have the most and least of you?

i simply have no experiences to draw from i am a hermit. i ... do not live life. even when i was younger i just... did not do anything lmao the only bits of myself/my experiences i can put in are like... mental illness. and even then i have yet to fully tap into that energy i dont know if any of us are ready for that level of negativity. (which... was probably gonna happen in those previously mentioned depression fics so its for the best we did not go there). oh but if you want a fun answer any time ive written gladys or alice roasting fp thats fully been me and how i interact with people

23. what do you do to engage with your projects which isn’t actually writing? ex: playlists, pinterest boards, etc. how much do they play a role in the development of your work?

i do none of those things. i dont actively pursue anything outside of writing for the fics. if i happen to come by something that inspires an idea then sure but im not out seeking it. ive tried making moodboards before for fics but i get annoyed cuz i can never find the pics i want and i give up. the only reason why murder fic has one is bc i was saving up pictures long before i even decided to write it

[kittarana]

Obey me - shall we date?: “A cold day at the Devildom” (ONE SHOT MC - Tarana)

Obey me - "A cold day at the Devildom" ONE SHOT

Hello there! Usually I’m a silent reader and distributor of hearts or reblogs but this night I got inspired and thought: “Why not trying to write a one shot?” For me, it��s been a long time since I wrote fanfictions active and because of my new love for this game, I couldn’t resist after all.

I hope you enjoy this one shot. Comments are welcome, especially because of word choice or grammar (English isn’t my mother tongue), I’m glad if I can improve myself. This truly motivates to keep writing one shots or new headcanons.

Your kittarana :3

It was a distinct cold day at the Devildom. On Earth, it would be autumn right now and that meant only one thing: Halloween was coming. To Tarana's surprise, the devils will very much like to fete that kind of holiday and scare other inhabitants like angels or humans, or simply go partying. The partying part got Asmo, he's delighted to go partying for a few days because Halloween can't be only celebrated one single day. This can't be adopted by someone like the Avatar of Lust, the party demon himself. Much to the regret of Tarana. She found out right away that the whole household will go partying. Because of Tarana being a human and the fact that she brought a cat with her, they will contemplate going partying for one night, although they all prefer partying a bit longer. If it’s even that enjoyful, one of the brothers could bring her back to the House of Lamentation where her little Betty awaits her.

Asmo's the most curious one at this case because he would love to know what naughty stuff could happen at this long holiday. Tarana feels a little bit unsafe at this moment as she examines the faces of all nearby demons. Beel is eating a giant burger he just made for himself after Tarana went grocery shopping while Belphie is sleeping nearby at the couch. He cuddles with his cow imprinted pillow, snoring silently. Satan reads a book near the cozy fireplace, but that's what Tarana is supposed to believe at this moment. The truth was that Satan had already read this book about the Middle Age epidemics and just wants to find out what the others are discussing about, so he's only pretending to be fully focused on the first written records about the Black Death chapter. In the meantime, Mammon turned one chair around and sits there, folded his arm and abuts them on the chair back. He is sitting near the chess table, trying his best to keep his vibrant blue eyes glued to the red-haired human. And if somebody is interested about the current state of Leviathan, you won't be surprised right now. After he heard out the words "Halloween" and "party", he ran away to his bedroom and left Tarana all by herself, unprotected. Their actual plan, to play some shooter games together, got shattered because of Asmo who had his own plans to meet.

"Come on, Tarana. This is going to be so much fun!", Asmo is already trying to encourage the redhead to show more excitement for the upcoming holiday. Tarana only sighs and rolls her eyes as she sees Asmo trying to gently stroke her shoulders. Today, Tarana seems to be extremely attractive and Asmo was trying to figure out why. Was she using a new perfume? Is it her reddish wavy hair? Or was is just her farouche attitude what made him more aroused than usual? He needed to investigate and searched for answers while approaching her.

"Asmo, darling. Why am I the only one who's not so sure anymore about the last part? Of course, this will be fun for you to be drunk and try to score with me but isn’t this whole partying kind of...Umm, I dont know. DANGEROUS for me as the only human?", Tarana's blue eyes wander around until they focus Lucifer's, seeking any kind of help from him. "Lucifer. You do not have a thing to say? Usually you would stop the lecher immediately."

Asmo pouts as he just got rejected, the Avatar of Lust only sighs sadly but she just crosses her arms in front of her upper body, shaking her head in disbelief and seeks distance from Asmodeus. "Usually I do. Yes. However, Halloween is part of the most important holidays at the Devildom and we even got an invitation from Diavolo himself. He is expecting anyone with this invitation to come to this holiday event. Even you, Tarana."

Indignantly, she rakes her manicured pale fingers through her long wavy hair while chewing on her lip. Her vague coralish lips are taking on an even stronger color as she causes her lip to swell slightly. Her lips appear to be fuller now, what some eyes can't miss that easily. Mammon blushes with a delicate smile on his lips while basing his head on his crossed arms. He wasn't sure what was different at this cold day today but the fact that his human was wearing a black high-waisted a-line skirt with a greyish oversized pullover, black over knees and dark tights made the Avatar of Greed feel flustered. Of course, he would be unable to say this out loud but his little human looked pretty hot in this outfit, showing off her hourglass figure. 

"I hate partying and you are fully aware of that fact, Lucifer.", her looks are getting darker as her eyes are beginning to reflect an upcoming thunderstorm. Although the Avatar of Pride can't be intimidated that easily, this human often showed him the exception. She may be only an exchange student and the representative of the Human World but her capacities and her hidden wrath are incalculable. Satan senses her upcoming anger about this situation and looks up from his book. A small smile appears. He knows how much anger she's hiding inside herself, always pretending to be a calm person so that others don't get suspicious. For him, she appears to be like a female version of himself right now. The only difference between them was the cause of this wrath. Satan's messed up origin can't be compared with her past experience which made her unsettled 24/7. Satan considers talking with her about it because he’s still unsure what makes her feel so mad all the time.

Asmo senses her upcoming anger immediately and giggles. He is expecting an interesting occur, hoping for a bit drama before the holidays. His brothers aren’t offering him enough entertainment but the discussions between Lucifer and Tarana are like a drama movie - if he’s trying to make her fulfill her duties, she rejects it immediately and provokes him until he is about to kill her. She never shows fear when he transforms and shows his demonic appeareance, and nobody knows why she always acts like an everlasting flower - especially in front of a mad Lucifer.

It could happen so fast and she’s chopped into tiny pieces but she doesn’t care at all. One time, Asmo tried to find out why she always appears fearless in front of Lucifer but she just shrugs. Her answer was: “I used to be afraid of death and dying in general but I lost this feeling after I realized how cruel life can be. How cruel it can take anything what is important to you. So I basically don’t care about it anymore. If it is supposed to happen, I wouldn’t mind it.”

"Of course I know your dislike towards parties but it's an official invitation so", he approaches her before grabbing her wrist and pulls her closer. Shortly, you can hear her heels toddling at the parquet floor before she stands still again, right in front of Lucifer. His tall appearance is reminding her of someone she does not wish to remember at this moment but she can't stop staring at the oldest brother right now. Their eyes meet, demon occurs human. Lucifer is huffing silently as he takes a closer look at the little human standing right in front of him. Usually he doesn’t show any affect when he’s talking with Tarana or more like disputing with her. Of course, he understands why his brothers love Tarana that much. Her innocent smile while showing off her big mouth is definitely a tempting combination. However, during such an important topic she shall not reject him. His pride can’t allow him becoming soft in front of her.

"You will come with us, even if I have to carry you over my shoulder. Even if I have to punish you for your rebellious attitude.", his last words sounded more like an excited temper, filled with hope that he could get a chance to punish her reasonable for this rebellious attitude in front of him. He doesn’t want to anger Diavolo because of a tiny stubborn human, it doesn’t even matter for him that her cute looks makes his heart leaping every time.

Tarana feels how her body is getting colder with his strict words. WIthout a doubt, daddy Lucifer just entered the room. He wants to make her tremble, make her feel anxious and unsure about this, but he begins to forget himself because of this overwhelming pride he yearns for. She tears off of his grip, not looking away. 

He won’t win that easy.

"I'd love to see you try, Stiefellecker*.", she turns away with an elegant twist, not turning back and exits the living room. What she isn't noticing right now is a dumbfounded Lucifer, unsure of the current situation which just occured.

What did she just call him?

It became silent in the room. Beelzebub stopped chewing, Belphie woke up after he heard the loud taps of Tarana’s heels and Satan’s eyes rised. The three brothers exchange an concerned look before staring at Lucifer.

Only Lucifer's faltering breathing could be heard. His shoulders start to shake, Asmo gulps. This time the topic went too far. Asmo supposes that Tarana said something inappropriate but he just couldn’t figure out what that word is supposed to mean. What just happened? Before Lucifer's temper tantrum could possibly destroy the entire living room, it gets interrupted by a Mammon who can't hold his laughter anymore. He's snorting with laughter.

"Why are you laughing, you idiot? Are you crazy?! Lucifer will kill you right now.", Asmo is not amused, his twitchy tone shows his concern. The adressed one ignores him completely while getting up from his chair. He's still laughing. "Mammon, you’re so dead right now.", Satan is shaking his head because he already knows what is going to happen right now. "I'm not surprised you guys don't know this word. It's from one of her mother tongues. You forgot where she's from?" "You know what she just said?", Beel's stomach is grumbling but the tense situation still caught his attention. It made him even hungrier and the burger wasn’t enough, sadly. "Sure, I do. And she's not happy at all right now.", with that words he leaves the place before Lucifer turns into his demon form and hunts Mammon till the Celestial Realm.

The other brothers stare at the Avatar of Greed who leaves the place, looking for Tarana to comfort her. According to him, she desperately needs the GREAT Mammon at her side. And nobody would stop him right now - not a mad Lucifer, not a terrified Leviathan and not the others who are now trying to calm his eldest brother down.

Oh, and btw...*Stiefellecker is german and means *bootliker or simply said, a *toady.

If you look closely how much time and effort Lucifer puts into any kind of business with Diavolo while trying to impress him in any way possible, it acts like a good insult towards the Avatar of Pride. if you’re truly mad and doesn’t care about any kind of consequences, go ahead and use it in front of him.

Personally, I wouldn’t be so afraid either because I love to test out risks :D

Does this need a sequel?

[nerdytransgirl]

NSFW ask! those questions......... alllll of them.

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

Not sure. I tend to follow my gut when i meet people, so maybe there's some subconscious thoughts? But Personally, I’d say not, since I actively seek out thoughts on looks in order to change them by thinking “what if that was you?”. 

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes. Yes they are. I feel so good when I click with a group of people, but when I find that one I can spend 100% of my time/energy with, they are all i need.

3. Are you a virgin?

haha, whats that?

4. Are you in a relationship?

Not in any I like, thats for sure. (samy, shut up. you got your family/live under the same roof, i want mine.)

5. Are you in love?

yes.

6. Are you single this year?

yeah. ish. 

7. Can you commit to one person?

I can, and I have before. 

8. Describe your crush

Smart, funny, nerdy, loves to talk with me, but even the silence in eachothers company was amazing, seeing the stars/moon reminds me of her every night. 9. Describe your perfect mate

^up there.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

mmm, yes? people are people, and sometimes they just... click!

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes, but not for government benefits. For Love. 

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

No, not without a VERY good explanation with proof. 

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Yes. bitch, I know I ordered the salad, but I’d cheat on it with your burger anyday.

other than that, no.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Yes.

15. Do you have any piercings?

Yes. Yes I do. ;p

16. Do you have any tattoos?

yes. 27 if you count individual letters separately.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

If it’s someone I love, then the world can fuck off as I make out with them in the middle of the mall.

20. Do you shower every day?

I try to, but water conservation/depression sometimes get in the way.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Yup. I’m cute as heck, so unless you’re Ace, I assume you have feelings for me. 

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Probably. Do parents ever not think about their kid?

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Easily.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Well, I was engaged last year, so who knows! Maybe!

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

Yes, of course. I’m sick of my heart breaking tho.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes. I didn't think it would be that bad till I lost them.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

mmm, nope.

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Kinda? I’ve been lied to in the middle of a break with an understanding we would use the break to improve our relationship.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Never.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Yup. Besides the standard surgery, I want to modify my body with augmentable mechanical limbs!31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Every day.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yes.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Yup. Hated it.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Yup. Loved all of them. wait, no scratch that, still love them all even if our lives are going in two different directions now.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes. Yes I have. 

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Liked? LIKED??!?! I love her. RIP, Alex. I miss you.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yup. first gf. she was manipulative and my friends told me, but I wouldn't listen.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes. First time I met them I was scared shitless, but now I’m pretty sure that person would fight for me if someone was a big enough of a dick to me. 

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yes, everyday for two years now. 

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

haha, yes! but none of you’ll ever hear it!

41. Have you had sex so far this year?Yes, though not as much as my newfound horniness would like me to be having. 

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Umm, depends? Sometimes kissing doesn't start till after the wandering?

43. How long was your longest relationship?

3 years.

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Umm, I’ve dated a lot, but in terms of actual relationships? 5. 

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

Nobody. That’s when I was coming out of the closet to myself. 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

I had a partner then, so...

47. How old are you?

Im currently a Quarter of a century old. How about that?

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

“Awesome! go get that skan... Skilled tuba player, im assuming.” 

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

Currently not applicable. But I do like the intelligence and depth of conversation I’ve had with partners. 

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

No. That ship has sailed.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes. 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

A girl named Glenni. She told me she was Ace, but I will admit it took a little longer than that to stop pining for her. 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

A few people don’t like my on-again/off-again/complex relationship with a gal in Monterey.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Alex.

55. Share a relationship story.

Watching the sunset on the beach slowly turn into a hamburger because of the clouds. We also had a picnic and I made vegan cheese for her sandwich! Idk what happened, but sadly we are no longer together.

56. State 8 facts about your body

Soft, Squishy, blonde leg/arm hair that makes me look shaved even after 8 months, a scar on my nose, a scar on my arm, crazy strength, shit stamina, gets wet at the beach.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Fuck you for messing me up so badly that when I met the next person to make me feel even happier, I chickened out out of fear I’d lose them. 

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Food, Conversational compatibility, cuddles, Adventures, ability to enjoy eachothers company in silence.59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Here

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

7 years. that's the extreme I’m willing to date.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Eyes, usually. Not color or shape, but how they express themselves, if that makes sense.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I’d say something special that shows me how much they care for me. 

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Um, pretty much whatever you do with you and your partners genitals i guess?

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Seeing someone else in a relationship/sexual capacity without my knowledge. 

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

Teasing, followed by light touching.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

BDSM, Brat vs Dom. I’ll let you guess what role I like to play. ;p

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Lots of cuddling, movies, and food all at home followed by sexytimes maybe?

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Gay. women are just so hot. 

69. What turns you off?

Lots of things. but being mean is pretty high up there. 

70. What turns you on?

Cheezy romantic crap directed at me.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

Giving my partner complete (consensual and trusting with a safeword) control for them to do whatever they want with me. 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

... 

”Good girl.” 

>.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Take me out for fancy food.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Weight. I dont like too skinny or too heavy, but someone with a healthy looking amount of chub I can become immediately attracted to. 

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Flew out to visit me. We shared one kiss. 

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Idk, I like to think im pretty sweet to most people in general, but I don't know what the sweetest thing I’ve done for someone is. 

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

if you’re not in your teens, don't date a teen. Otherwise, keep it within a decade to minimize incompatibility brought about by slight differences in culture growing up, especially in this technological age where it seems every six months there’s a new generation influencing the world. My limit is 7 years.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

Ever sucked a girls dick on a beach under a new moon? I have. 

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

A few days ago. She’s just better than me in every way it seems. 

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

yesterday?

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Me, samy, rain, glenni, alex

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

um, my therapist. A new one that i can very easily open up too, and apparently the feelings I’ve shared with her made her want to hug me at the end of our session. 

83. Who was your first kiss with?

NOBODY. thats who. 

she ded 2 me.

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

I have no clue. I thought things were going well, but then she told me she wanted to end things romanticly. I accepted, because why not? I don't want to force someone to be with me that doesn't want to. But I do worry it was something i said, something I did. 

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

haha, how do you think i find gf’s?

[aquaticlawnmower]

Who the f#!& am i sitting next to

I pushed past the old white men, who were eyeing me in awe while i, brown and woman, navigated my way across first class. Thankfully, the white man i sat next to was younger… less traditionally racist. I would find as the night went on, it’s still alive and well in generation Z. 

I overheard him on the phone before we took off… something about models and money. I peeked over at his outfit. A Basquiat hoodie and Gucci loafers. Of course. What else was I to expect on a first class flight from LA to NY. Regardless, he was nice. Ish. He asked me what movie I was watching (The M.I.A. documentary). I told him: The M.I.A. documentary.

“Oh, i know that chick. She dated my friend. She’s crazy.”

Whatever answer i was expecting, it wasn’t that. I get really antsy when men call women crazy. Especially if they don’t know them… But I guess… he knew M.I.A? 

He tapped me on the shoulder - “I’m going to sleep.” Then grinned. “Goodnight.”

I watched Christine while he slept. Both movies made me cry. I related strongly to both, Maya - the brown girl seeking to validate both of her identities as Tamil and American, expressing herself by any means possible. And Christine - A neurotic woman who just wanted to prove her worth. 

He woke up.

“Did you sleep at all?”

“No. I watched another movie. I can’t really sleep on planes.”

“I used to be like that.”

“Well congratulations. You’ve accepted death”

He laughed. I made him laugh. Was I flirting with him. Why was I flirting with him. Why do i flirt with everything.

More questions. More answers. He showed me a script idea he was working on - it wasn’t a script at all. In fact, it was so novicely gathered I was shocked that he apparently was “a big name.” He really talked about himself for quite a bit. I’d try to chime in and make it a conversation, just to be cut off or spoken over. He didn’t want a conversation. Then finally a question for me- “Where do you live?” Classic.

“Murray Hill.”

“How are you getting home?”

“Uber.”

“I have a driver. I’ll take you.”

“Sorry, i dont know if i can trust you.”

He laughed. Then monologued.

“Come on. I’m not gonna do anything sketchy. I’m way too big of a name to have something on my record like… rape or, or murder. I don’t know which one you’re more worried about but, I promise. I’ve actually been raped so… I’d never do that to someone. I don’t usually tell people that but, I don’t know… You seem like someone I can trust. So, will you trust me?... I saw you didn’t really eat. At least let me get you dinner, and then you’ll get home safe.”

“Alright, yea. Thanks.”

We go to baggage claim, and while we wait, he says all of one thing: “Never check your bag. It’s a waste of time.” How romantic.

The ride over he continued to talk about god knows what - his friend who has two houses, his 40 year old friend who’s desparate for a woman, his blossoming relationship with Adriana Lima, how hard it is being in the industry, and a few other things. It didn’t seem like he was actively looking to impress me, nothing seemed that aggressive, or even passively aggressive. It’s just what he was made up of - it was his substance. All these crazy stories and famous people and amazing experiences. Honestly his life seems like a lot of fun. Regardless, at the end of the conversation, I didn’t feel like I got any closer to knowing who he really was. 

By the time we got to this restaurant, I realized the restaurant is a hotel lobby’s restaurant. A nice one. The Mercer. Great. 

Here’s just a little bit about me. I’m bad at saying No. Or just leaving a situation. For some reason, I take what the moment has to offer. So when he asked me if I wanted to just spend the night there, I nodded my head. I don’t know why. I could write out some fake explanation but I would rather not invalidate my own confusion. 

He called for the waitress, whom he knew by name (“I basically live here. Well, I live 3 blocks away but, I stay here to clear my head.”) and asked for a room. When she brought the keys, he grimaced. Apparently, he was not accustom to room 604. He made his way to the front desk.

“Are you new here?”

“I’m sorry sir?”

“Did you just start here?”

“Um… well, a little while ago yes.”

“Yea.”

He walked away and I quickly followed, resisting the urge to turn around and at least mouth “sorry” to that poor man behind the desk. We got in the elevator. He took a shower. I took a shower. We got in bed. 

“I really want to watch this how. You’d love it. I mean, I’m on season 2 episode 3… and I’m mid episode right now. Is it selfish of me to do that? Well, i can pause and explain.”

“I hate pause and explain. I’ll just go to sleep.”

“Ok well hey-

He put his hand on my shoulder. He looked kind of cute in the dark. He kissed me, I kissed back. But I didnt want sex, my body language said it all. I could feel he was hard, but he could feel that i wasn’t gonna make that happen for him. I wasn’t in the mood. It wasn’t until the end of our little make out session, I hear it:

“I’m about to cum.”

I laughed.

“What?”

He’d been jerking himself of the whole time. Incredible. Men. Are. Incredible. 

And then, just as quickly as I found myself in the situation, he came all over his stomach.

“Get me a towel.”

I got him a towel, put a pillow between us, and got the best sleep of my life.

[arsnovac12]

Blog Post 1

I go on runs from time to time when I’m back in Burbank, I enjoy keeping active, but it’s mostly an excuse to get out of the house. When I come home on holiday, I become confined to my parents house without any means of viable transportation. I have my drivers license, sure, but no car. My parents can’t afford to buy me one, and I can’t afford to get one myself. In fact, even if I could afford a car, I certainly couldn’t afford the insurance to go with it. Anyway, all this is to say I go on runs so I don’t feel too confined to my house.

That’s not very interesting, is it? Some things just tend to be that way. The life of a poor twenty-one year old white kid is never all that interesting in the first place. My life, my story, whatever it is, is not irregular. In fact, it’s one most people in America know very well, because it gets championed whenever one of us poor white kids gets rich and famous. Surprise, surprise, it happens pretty frequently.

So why write about it? I don’t know. Does it really matter if no one sees it in the first place? Maybe not. I guess I backed myself into a corner. If you’re reading this (if anyone is reading this) you’re probably expecting me to dive further in. Ultimately, you might say, there’s no point in agonizing over whether or not you’re going to talk about your life, because you already started writing a blog post about it, and it has to go somewhere. It does, doesn’t it? So why start with a lengthy preamble full of rhetorical questions? Besides being a clear literary crutch I’m struggling with, I think I feel indebted to having a conversation or dialogue about these things, as if to hide from some private guilt I have in telling any personal story. Writing has clearly become some sort of therapy to me, where I play both doctor and patient. The results are always inconclusive.

Anyway I should get back to the bullshit lede about running. Look, I like running, and it’s when my head is its most clear, so forgive me for using it as a starting point. Most of my ideas come to me when I run, so it was only fitting that it become the brief anecdote that starts a blog post that holds the kernel of what I’m going for. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, I didn’t really get to. Look at me, whining before I even finished my “insignificant thing is contorted into something profound” anecdote. Okay, I’ll finish the story:

I like to go on runs. I feel trapped at my house, and I like to get out. Anyway, whenever I run, I take the same path. It leads away from my house towards the park in the hills where people would take their prom photos back in high school. The path mostly runs parallel to the major streets and hits several large intersections on its way. In all, the run from the house to the park and back is about five miles. Yesterday, I reached the park and stopped for some water. This wasn’t irregular or anything, but I took my time and drank more that I usually would. Then, something compelled me to keep running. The hills in Burbank are filled with expensive homes, and near the top of the street, sort of tucked away, there’s a pretty large mansion that’s almost gothic in its design. Anyway, I guess it was my curiosity that drove me to keep going. To get a look at that mansion, and the others around it.

So, I kept running for another half mile or so to see this mansion. On the way up, the houses got larger and more impressive looking, and I was filled with a mounting sense of dread. Eventually I reached the cul-de-sac with the house on its end. Naturally the street, called Viewcrest if you can believe it, was the most decadent one yet. Their driveways were filled with expensive cars I don’t know the names of, carefully manicured lawns, and about ten security cameras lining every porch. I got closer to the end of the street where the imposing mansion was, but it was tucked away from the front and hardly visible. I didn’t get much closer than fifty or sixty feet. The drive way had a large black Hummer sitting in it; another, more psychological warning sign for someone like me to keep away.

I left pretty quickly after I got there. No one was out, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being unwelcome. Before I turned the corner and left the street completely, I had the strange desire for someone to come out of their house and scold me for even coming there. In this fantasy, would I stand my ground, or run away as is fitting for my station? My brain firing it’s typically small amount of synapses couldn’t quite make it that far. Instead, I was caught up in the swell of what righteous injustice such a thing should muster.

This story isn’t very interesting, I know. Nothing really happens in it and there isn’t much imagery to it, but it caught me off guard as I thought about it again today. I had the idea to write about the experience soon after it happened while I was still running, but I, ever the proactive one, put it off. In sitting down with it today, I realize how full of shit I am.

Before I go on, I’ll give a little more context for my life. As mentioned briefly before, I’m a poor white kid. My parents are loving if occasionally abusive, or maybe abusive if occasionally loving. We live in my (deceased) grandmothers house and can’t afford any necessary repairs on it to make the place livable. My dad lost his job about a year and a half ago that was going to take him to retirement, now he works at target. My mother is a hoarder, not to the extreme you may have seen on television, but certainly well beyond what the general society might deem as healthy. She works just enough hours at the Disney Corporation’s day care so that they don’t have to give her full time benefits.

Two of my adult brothers still live at home, crowding the house further. They could, should they allot their funds correctly, afford to have their own place, but my parents discourage that sort of thing. Coming from lower middle class families, both of them have really only known economic uncertainty their whole lives. To have their children live lives separated from themselves means certain uncertainty. Plus, when you don’t have the kids at home, there’s no one left to accuse of being a burden.

I, more than any of my brothers, struggled against my parents to have a normal life. For a while I was pretty damaged; my parents fundamental conservatism really did a number on me. I was a hateful kid, saying cruel things to people that didn’t deserve it. When I got to high school, it took a little while, but I became a better person. Still prone to bouts of selfishness, I began to try a little harder for things. I quit running competitively in high school to join the theater, much to my parents chagrin, and also started dating. Naturally my parents tried putting a stop to both.

By the time I finished high school, I had cut ties with most everyone that knew me there. By its end, I had partially realized that I hadn’t progressed all that much as a person and was still rather selfish. My assumptions that people did not like me were eventually proven correct when I had finally done something that had made me worth disliking. I receded further into myself, even more aware of my deepest flaws.

Eventually I made it to college where I became more depressed than I had ever been before. Towards the end of the semester, my mom ordered me to call after weeks of ignoring her. During that phone call, I told her that I wanted to kill myself. Horrified, she said that they could afford to send me to therapy, I said no, it would be too much of a hassle and it would get to be too expensive. She was relieved and thus the matter was settled and never spoken of again.

So today, I sit in my crowded bedroom in my decaying house (yes, there are rats now) and try and write a story, a true story, about how running in the rich part of town made me sad. So often I am desperately seeking a new lede, some way to ease into the story of my life, so I come up with the flimsiest ones imaginable as opposed to just starting from the beginning. I’m no one I tell myself, so why bother in the first place? No one will read it anyway. But so often, I’m met with the same dull idea that I have a story worth telling. The cynic in me is so embarrassed to want to explain away my life that it has to invent a dialogue with no one to justify wanting to tell an over told story. The poet in me wants to make something beautiful out of my life, and will find any excuse to do so in the most meaningless of events. The realist is here with you trying to make sense of these two voices.

I am obsessed with artifice. Look anywhere in my life and you’ll see it. I’m a theater performance major. I sit at home alone and watch movies that very few people like to gage some sensationalist position on. I go running by major streets hoping that someone, anyone from my past will see me and say hello. I run to the park I took my prom pictures at for the hope that some ounce of high school happiness will be absorbed back into myself, so that I can pretend I didn’t lose all my friends from those years by being selfish. I run further into the hills because deep down I know it might lead to something worth writing about. Only to now finally realize there wasn’t much of a story there to begin with. There, or anywhere.

Self pitying is probably what most people would call this. I’ll probably call it that too. Maybe it’s a cry for help. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a desperate plea for attention from an empty audience, because the author thinks that’s most poetic of all.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i am sad today. i dont want to be sad and i dont like sadness but im aware that being sad is part of the process and not being sad at all would be unhealthy so i’m trying to be an appropriate amount of sad. i have a lingering stress headache and i cant seem to smoke enough (could be correlated lbr) but im still not dieing (except from the heat, which is pretty unbareable.) 

i want to talk to somebody about it but i cant and when i do they have their own totally made up judgements that have nothing to do with the evidence of the time we personally spent together.

and im not like trying ot hold up my life for him - i did what i could today which may not have been “enough” but i ate and cleaned and did a bit of work on my projects. im sad its not more. overall.

today i am having glimpses of what i wanted and some subconcious answers are coming to the surface after asking questions i didnt have the answers to right away. is he thinking of me? if he is - is it just the same? is it just stuck in his own world of whats right an wrong to him right now? or is it anything else? 

i love him because he has the same kind of ideas and values and morals that i have, some of which i dont have the capacity to live right now. not that i want a hundred wives and husbands. and i dont know if we mesh on his version of polamory and i dont know if i mesh with the real version.

but our views on society and how things make us feel are similar. in some ways i feel like hes alone in the world s much as i am despite the people he has. but maybe im projecting. he acts out the feelings i have many times, when i dont have the energy or security to do it. we enjoy the same kind of foods, alot of the same kind of music, movies, a desire for knowledge, an open mind, a sense of adventure, going with the flow. im known for kind of just thinking of something and making it hapen and he tries. 

i wanted a life together with this. i guess maybe in the future if i met someone else that was like this maybe i’d want them too? and like i feel like maybe in some ways - in some, i dont know. its all so complicated. but my history - “i can see myself with anyone - female or male, in a non sexual relationship forever.” i feel like this is an unusual way that isnt necessarily common but perhaps one scenario it could work in some way? i’m just trying to get one. just one. i’m not concerned with other ones and i think my way of seeing it is way deeper because it wouldnt be like a super active thing i would do. like i wouldnt seek people out to add to my life and fit in this idea i have. i would just live and if i happened on someone maybe it would work. but just one would be totally fine with me and i cant even find just one. 

what would i have done with him? in my dream life scenario where do we end p, what am i doing and why is it different? i just.. i think maybe this is another similarity where i have this really stubborn belief that i never had to fulfill an entire investment because he never did but he uses it as one of the reasons it doesnt work. but like i’m taking on this huge obligation in my dream to change my daily life that i’ve never actually been capable of doing before even when i was being given what i wanted. and with my shitty ex my excuse was that i didnt want to come back to live with his behavior. which is not a great excuse at all for not getting a job. its not. 

but i guess in my dreams i overcome all my bullshit for him and we set off packed up and maybe i’d have sacrificed my cats and eased my worries and concerns a bit and let go of my past. we’d have a great adventure across the country, deepening our relationship before settling into this new life. id embrace the change and find some menial job to make him proud and contribute to our unit. id support him and love him and care for him as we worked towards his goal of his own land / farm where we’d work to live off the land and have a more simple life. 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. i guess its like really fantasy land ideas i had here. especially when its him in my dream. i’m upset that i know that these days apart doesnt add to positivity and will only make it hard and akward on the goodbye, changing nothing. the more time goes by with zero communication what so ever the more i feel like maybe it’s just entirely over and i guess lucky for him i have no desire like i usually do to attempt to salvage anything because hes ultimately leaving. why try and salvage a relationship thats not going to exist anyways no matter what you say or do 48 hours before the ultimate decision? 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. 

i feel the way i do though because i realized what i might want in life and it was like almost there and i could have maybe had it if i were a different person and wanted even more different things and i’m sad about it. kind of like how i bring up my ex asking me to marry him. to me that was like we were already engaged. it proved that someone was willing to spend their life with me and although i didnt take it sometimes i think like fuck i was so close. if only i just did this and this and let this go and bent for this i couldve had what ive wanted. 

i hate my investment being trivialized like when he says maybe if i had more in life id not want to spend as much time with him. but my investment was him and i guess alot of it was proving that i had what it takes to succeed in certain areas of life but i failed in others. but then - i was constantly proving myself which in itself makes for a bit of a fake relationship and unbalanced because according to him i was never actually worthy because i dont want his craziness. and i guess hes right. 

i hate that hes not thinking about me and what we couldve had. i congratulate myself for not reminding him. next level in maturity for me. our life couldve been stable and cute and simple. selfish and selfless. the characters we couldve become, the partnership that would be infamous. i’m so angry that i cant have that. i’d grow flowers on our farm and be an independent local floral designer, planning wedding and craft fairs, participating in farmers markets with the food we grew while he took odd carpentry jobs. and id take that whatever job when i landed, you know? becuse i’d want this and i’d know that i can finally have it if i just put in a bit of work for it and im surrounded by people i love. 

its like .. he wont rent an apartment here because its a “waste”. he doesnt want to “live here”. so why would i put in peripherial work when this isnt where i want tobe and it doesnt get me to where i want to go? 

but maybe its me. maybe its not. i think ive grown. when i was younger i wanted this punk shack with my ex. i could really picture it in my mind - we would have this open concept kitchen lined with beer and liquor bottles from all our awesome parties where people played guitar and sang all night and it would be messy but cute and we’d struggle but it’d be like part of the “game” of “surviving” and it wouldnt be a big deal and it’d be more like we’d just embrace it.

that of course never happened. we never had a party. not once. he sat playing video games on a thrift store couch while i made food and did chores and he went to work and i guess i just laid around and acted like i was doing something. 

maybe its all for the best.

im sad hes not thinking about me. im sad he doesnt believe in even a piece of my dream. im sad i have to start over.