#like i understand man but theres no advice i can give to help you

[tannieastrology]

Synastry/Composite Observations 🌠

(These are just some of my experiences and I really just wanna share what I learned with yall)💕

Synastry-

💙✨ Saturn square Venus can really just throw off the timing of a relationship. Well its less the timing and more of the fact of that the two people cant ever make their minds up and mature up for one another. And there are for sure alot of barriers that come withing this aspect one of them being that other people can set these two apart. In the couple that i saw this in the guy was Saturn and the woman was Venus. Venus was led on for almost 2 years while Saturn chased a different woman in that time. Until in may 2023 they started talking but their communication was off so Saturn broke it off. Now in december everyone finds out Saturn wants her back but Venus has moved on. So in their case it was a lack of maturity and indecisiveness.

💙✨ Venus conjunct Pluto makes the Venus person SO obsessive ESP if the Venus person has scorpio in their natal chart. Remember the Saturn guy from the first bullet point? He was the guy ive had a crush on for the past 3 years and in my scenario with him, hes the pluto in this case. Sadly it was unrequited but man this guy had me in a chokehold which was weird because I never wouldve thought id be attracted to someone like him. Its like no matter how far I go I cant ever forget about him its so frustrating. My Venus was conjunct his Pluto in Capricorn in my 3rd house so the way we talked to each other was very agressively but strangely we find comfort in it? Talking to him was easy too but lemme tell you when we argued WE ARGUED like it was HEATED. Our friend group always felt so uncomfortable whenever we went back and forth with each other. So yeah i would say really look at what house this conjunction happens in because for me it affected my house of mind, communication, and friends but if it falls in a deeper house like the 8th house the affects would be like 10x more magnified. Alot of people say its a sexual aspect but I really just think it depends on where it lands. I fell hard because im a plutonian person in general i have a Scorpio Moon and Lilith conjunct in the second house and my Venus in the 8th degree.

💙✨ Venus conjunct Moon brings alot of understanding and patience in a friendship/relationship. So ironically the Pluto guy also had his Capricorn Moon conjunct my Venus nd while we did argue alot and made me cry often I always had a soft spot for him. I felt like I understood him and we had many times where we joked around and laughed often. However Venus conjunct Moon can sometimes amplify your emotions to each other if theres other planets in contact with it. In a case like mine BOTH his Pluto and Moon conjuncted my Venus so most of the times our interactions stirred up obesessive and deeper emotions in me. Sometimes he triggered my trauma and i felt judged by him often but as me and him are getting older and are maturing more we stopped attacking each other and started being more honest with how we feel about things. I tell him about my personal struggles and he helps by giving me logical advice. Because of the fact that our aspect was in Capricorn it took us almost 4 years to have proper communication and be able to share our traumas with each other. I trust him alot even though we bicker often and even if he might not like me back hes still such a understanding friend and was there for me when i needed him and that itself is something to appreciate.

💙✨ If one persons Venus doesnt have alot of contact with your planets in your synastry but the other persons Venus has many aspects it may be unrequited. In my instance with the Pluto guy my Venus conjuncted his Moon, Pluto, and Jupiter and trined his Virgo Mars and Saturn while the only aspects his Leo Venus made to my planets was Venus opposition Sun and sextile Vertex. From the guy I really do believe he should have atleast some type of contact with your big six in order for him to feel something.

💙✨ So going back to the Venus and Saturn couple they also had Venus conjunct Lilith in Saggitarius and she was the one who got away. So like i said she was obsessed with him and everybody knew it too. I mean when she found out I also liked him she started hating me even though i never acted on my feelings and tried to supress it. He was the Lilith in this case and you can really see that hes attracted to her but theyre lowkey toxic sometimes. He blew hot and cold to her multiple times and everytime she got a boyfriend he wants her back like what?? She wouldve done anything for him but nah he sold. Theyre never gonna forget about each other and this aspect in my opinion has a very “the one that got away” type feel to it.

💙✨ Even if your planets dont make an aspect you can still feel it sometimes. I have a Gemini Mars and Pluto guy had a Virgo Mars and lemme tell you our arguements were BAD even though they didnt make an aspect. He always knew how to retaliate to whatever i said and always had a slick comment to throw in and my fucked up Gemini Mars self found that interesting which looking back at im hella concerned. I also cant forget that his Mars conjuncted my Saturn and my Mars squared his Saturn so the intensity came from all ends not just the signs.

Onto Composite!

(Just a Disclaimer all of these observations are made off of me and the Pluto guy)

💙✨ Having a Taurus Sun in composite can mean that both people are stubborn. Im just gonna use my experience to explain this but having Taurus in the position of Sun can be either bad or good. Me and Pluto are young we’re both still in highschool so i know this wont be how we are gonna act forever but our relation to each other was a very slow process. It took YEARS for us to get out of the arguing with each other/ insulting each other phase since the 6th grade but damn sometimes i really feel like he doesnt ever get what im trying to say. We move so SLOW when it comes to our friendship and also communication because our Mercury is Conjunct the Sun in Taurus too. I read on a blog named awda on here that Taurus Sun couples never expect to catch feelings and its so true. To start with I never really liked him when i saw him back in middle school but in 8th grade i caught feelings bad nd since then i havent been able to forget about it. And weirdly alot of people ship us too. Ive read online that this placement means comfort with each other and while yes i have felt it sometimes, i feel that the comfort aspect of Taurus Sun in composite only applies if the chart is filled with trines and sextiles. Our composite is just squares and oppositions everywhere so we feel the stubborness and uncompromising aspect of the Taurus energy more than anything else. Ive done everything I possibly can to try to move on but im honestly stuck with him for a while now. Thats how Taurus Sun feels in my opinion. Its long lasting and not something you can run away from. People will ship you as a couple and yall might be like nooooo i would never but then boom one day you actually catch feelings. And who knows maybe one day he will I mean thats what my our older mutual friend tells me. I have no clue how he ever feels and I know its because of his natal Capricorn Moon but ive always held a soft spot for him deep down. Ive always wanted to look after him and wanted him to put his trust into me but it was never like that i guess. Maybe one day it will progress into something more who knows?

💙✨ Venus square Mars was another aspect that we held in alot of our midpoint charts like the progressed composite, the regular composite, and the davison chart. When i tell you how potent the energy of this aspect was to us even though we had Venus trine Mars in synastry. Ive always asked him why do you like arguing with me? Why do you like bothering me? But hes never really been able to give an answer. And i think thats just how this energy is. You start to find comfort in the disagreements and in a way it kept us stimulated. It was a way for me and him to connect and become friends. Dont get me wrong there were times where we genuinely got on each other nerves but with time we got more mature and learn how to talk things out and respect each others boundries. We still bicker obviously i really feel like thats never gonna go away lmao but its wayyyy more toned down now. Im not even trying to be delusional but i sometimes feel like hes always fixated on me the most in social situations and many people have pointed it out to me. Even if it might not be romantic it can still make the two people infatuated with each other. You know the saying “theres a fine line between love and hate” this is literally that aspect in a nutshell. You just have to figure out how to express your feelings for one another in a healthy way otherwise you can start to find the other person to be annoying and irritating. This aspect had me all over the place man liking someone and hating them at the same time was crazyyy.

💙✨Make sure you check your progressed composite too. Obviously relationships change and i think the progressed version of the chart is more realistic in how things are in the present time. In our regular chart we have Venus in Libra which i was like eh that doesnt really match us that well. But when i saw the progressed chart it showed that we have Venus in Scorpio conjunct Mercury in the 10th degree and it makes muchhhh more sense. The twisted way we talk to each other and the deep conversations feel more fitting to Scorpio than Libra. We recently started to open up to each other more and this progression happened in 2023 compared to in 2019 when we first met Mercury was conjunct the Sun in Taurus. So we went from stubborn arguements to being more comprehensive but snarky nonetheless. Also it explains me not losing feelings too lmao. Im only really speaking from my side ive had no clue how he felt but I know that he was just as clueless as me. In our original composite we had Sun square Mars and Mercury opposition Venus and we were like cats and dogs back then. Now, in 2024 we have Mercury conjunct Venus and Sun sextile moon along with Moon trine Venus and Mercury. The Sun square Mars aspect went away and were on the same wavelength alot more now. Its really interesting to see how it changed you should definitely check it out if you get the chance to.

💙✨Just something that I observed but all the girls he liked they had an aspect of venus trine moon and some type of positive aspect from venus and mars. All of them were weirdly unrequited though and i still dont know how to figure out how people get stuck in the friendzone using composite but i think it depends on the house and peoples natal charts. I dont have their birth time so i couldnt figure the house things out but look to see where the big six fall and what sign the ascendant is in.

I know I dont post on here anymore but I really hope yall enjoyed this!! See yall next time💕

[genderqueerdykes]

is it bad to be scared to start hrt?

i feel a little ashamed that i am. i try my hardest to be positive about all the things that make men & mascs masculine. i try to appreciate the parts that arent valued by society, like male pattern baldness, being fat, hairiness (love that part especially lol), etc.

but im 15, and i go back and fourth over whether or not i want to start testosterone. i had terrible cystic acne before i started acne medication, i have male pattern baldness on my dads side etc. im not a binary trans guy, so i kinda doubt ill be on it forever anyway if i DO wind up doing it, but its really scary to be told all the stuff that WILL make me a man when im… just a boy. that feels infantalizing but i suppose its true. im scared to be a man admittedly, im angry i never got to have a “true” boyhood because in currently at that age, and im scared of being thrust into it after not getting to be one. theres so much stuff about becoming “ugly” after starting testosterone. i know thats not true, logically, but ive faced so much bullying for not being pretty enough as an afab that i guess i still have that vanity embedded within me.

i feel ashamed for it, do you have any advice?

no, absolutely not- i think it's super reasonable to be scared to start HRT. it's a huge change, it affects your body and mentality in many different ways. it's a lot to take on at once especially considering there are permanent effects if taken for long enough at a high enough dose

i get why you'd be worried at that age. i didn't start HRT until i was in my early 20s. i think its okay to give yourself some time, especially considering you have some concerns about it potentially affecting your health. it would be ideal to find a way to get your blood tested for a few things- liver enzymes, red blood cell count, estrogen and testosterone levels, and so on. if you can't do that, it's understandable. i know it's not easy for someone your age to get a ride to a place like that discretely

is it possible to contact your dermatologist about your acne and see if they would be able to weigh in on that? baldness is a tricky thing. some people do bald but really late in life. some people don't. a lot of transmascs have their hairline recede by a few inches and then it usually stops. the nice thing about hair loss is there are medications that work very well that can help mitigate that. gender affirming care specialists or other doctors who prescribe testosterone are usually aware of the effects on scalp hair, and usually they'll help you test for high blood pressure, any issues like that

honestly i get where you're coming from here. i've seen this way too many times. people get pissed off about someone being a type of trans they don't like so they just bully the person until they consider detransitioning or never start transition at all, and then continue to mock and harass them anyway. i see this all the damn time and it bugs me like why would you do that to someone. who cares

people think it's ok to bully trans men & mascs right now because of all of the transandrophobia and antimasculism in general. testosterone doesn't make anyone "ugly", people are projecting their hatred of men and mascs on to a hormone that almost everyone produces naturally. it's just hateful senseless bullying. people think the younger the trans man/boy/masc is, the more valid they are to bully them.

it's okay to identify as a boy for as long as you need. you actually never have any obligation to adopt the label man if it doesn't fit you. many people identify as boys instead of men. some people are guys and not men. it's okay some people find they have to take their time to transition from boy to man. you're only 15 you are still a child, you don't have to worry about being a man for quite a while

it's definitely okay to feel conflicted and confused here. if you're able to, take time to yourself where you shut all that noise from other people out. if you're able to just ask yourself a few questions like why do i identify as a boy, what about it makes me happy, what kinds of things do i want to do in transition. just try to get a feel for what's going on so it makes it hard for people to get in your head

remember that when people attack you like this they're projecting something they deeply hate about themselves on to you. my therapist told me that last week and i thought i would just relay that. it's alright to be affected by it, but they really are just being assholes. it's good to be a trans man/boy/masc. transmasculinity is good. testosterone is good. testosterone saved my life. i'm glad to get up in the morning every day because i at least look and sound like myself. i love my body. i love the way i look. i'm stronger. i stand taller. my face is the right shape. my voice sounds right.

life is good

i hope you found any of this helpful. good luck, it's okay to feel guilt or shame for a bit. i did NOT want to come out as FtM for a VERY long time it was hard. i get it. take care of yourself, let me know if you have any more questions

[lovebvni]

Pick - A -Pile (love themed from 07.30.2022)

again, briefing you by saying this is from 2022. i was a different person two years ago, LMFAO

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│ᵒᵖᵉⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵐᵉˢˢᵃᵍᵉ...

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[ 🖊 ] created ⋮ 18.7.22

[  ] published ⋮  30.7.22

˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨ ✰ Arsyn   ⋆  ⁱˢ ᵗʸᵖⁱⁿᵍ··· ꒱ | ೃ࿔₊•

┊       ⋆     welcome to my blog !

┊     °

For starters, I am so sorry how long its been since i did a pick a pile (2 months?) and I'm praying this isn't my last one of the year. I'm moving and I cant bring my tarot card with me and I'm worried I wont have them for a while.. Anyways lets stop being depressing.

Hello! Welcome to a pick a pile. This is a general reading, everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Hundreds of people may read this, everything I say in your pile(s) will NOT resonate. Today we have (the first one is pretty much 2 different piles)4 piles and the following questions.

1. How far are you on your shifting journey?

2. a general message from ur s/o.

along with these questions i will give things that may draw you to your pile. i will be using tarot and oracle cards.

now please take everything with a grain of salt!

breathe in...

and out...

now please, pick a pile or two

[pile 1,2

pile 3,4]

Welcome pile one!!

let me see what may resonate for this pile before this reading, as confirmation this is the right pile: true, the colour hot pink, passion, cold-hearted and cold-blooded, "remember why you started", "everything is for a reason", "life isnt fair sometimes, and that sucks", deities, ocean, water, "i'd rather do this alone"

For the first question, How far are you in your shifting journey?

the lovers

ok so there are 2 different energies in this pile. the first one being those in the honeymoon era, they're just beginning shifting and think its everything and more! romanticizing the idea of being with their s/o and shifting. you're almost turning a blind eye to the other parts of shifting, the fact its ACTUAL FUCKING LIFE! its not just a perfect place, man, its like your cr. you're going to have altercations, fights, and everything else.the others are in the ones who know about shifting, and have been doing it for a few months, maybe even years. you're in the people who know how it is but you're getting back into shifting. who are starting to love it and understanding that shifting is a great thing that you shouldn't have stopped/taken that long of a break. you're almost in a 'new love/ new beginnings' era. you're getting reading to pull off the side of the highway. GET BACK INTO IT!! YOU GOT THIS!!

What does your s/o want to tell you?

so i was called to get an oracle card for this.

"Nothing is yet set in stone, mutable moon" and "Expect a powerful change, new moon eclipse"

The Chariot

these are for the two different energies. the first honeymoon era people are being told you can change how you are and how you see things. dont change your whole personality ofc, just how you see things. dont hold it back. waves change sometimes, the water isnt a different formula though. sobbing of course loki's card came out. you're going to move forward at a rapid pace, and have fun with it! take this and you'll shift soon!

3 of cups 3 of swords

the new beginnings era is reflected in the new moon. new ways of seeing things, new methods, change. theres a lot of change. going on, new ways of seeing things. new friends, new advice. stop doing this alone, its only hurting you, i feel like your energy was in my last pick a pile too. sharing is the best way to understand things. people can relate and give advice to move forward. I feel like you've been in a heartbreak before/toxic friendships/or you're just shy so you dont want to talk to theres about this. you need to communicate. it will help you a LOT.

thank you pile 1!! i hope this resonates 

welcome pile 2!

confirmation this is the right pile: late nights, deep breathing, burning bridges, endings, cupid, wings, outdoors, flowers, loops, asleep methods. purple, blue, shinsou, iida, speed, fire signs, water signs.

1. How far are you on your shifting journey?

oracle: have faith in ur dreams waxing crescent moon, dont let pride get in your way

tarot: the sun, three of swords reversed, four of cups

i feel like this pile has overcome a lot. you guys may have shifter or are VERY VERY close to shifting. i mean like days or even a few weeks away. this pile may make you really like self centered almost? may have been told this before but as long as you dont get cocky, you will shift. dont roll your eyes and say 'ugh, this again'. YOU GOT THIS! try meditating before you shift. maybe try channeling for advice. a friend what they heard for you. do one of those 'what messages do you hear for me' things! they may be helpful. i also recommend that you use an asleep method, and visualize what you feel. i dont care if you're "not good at it" just fucking try man, you're getting nowhere by pouting.

2. a message from your s/o.

oracle: show the world the real you full moon in aquarius, hold your vison fixed moon

tarot: three of wands reversed, five of wands reversed

with these two cards coming out i heard "i know you feel like youre back tracking, but you're really not. keep pushing yourself, dont let anything change how. do take the advice you have been given and dont ire yourself. if you feel like its not the night, keep pushing because your brain could just be telling you otherwise. listen to your heart.

welcome pile 3! it is 12:23AM as im typing this

heres confirmation this is ur pile!

: 711, stubborn, holding onto the past, letting go, pink, red, past love, new love, royalty dr, red and blue, SERIOUS mood swings, tamaki, ohchs, polyamory

1. How far are you on ur shifting journey?

oracle: work through your fears new moon in scorpio, conlusions are winthin reach full moon eclipse

tarot: ten of torches (wands) reversed, 10 of cups reversed, queen of torches, two of swords,

i feel like this pile is holding onto past fears/anxieties. you need to push through these and you'll see big changes. i heard shadow work and i feel like you've done this before/been told to do this before. but you didnt. i feel like there was a manipulative divine feminine energy here. someone who was passionate and maybe your relationship/friendship fell apart. i feel sad for this pile because you guys were really close to you. you trusted them with your life. you're still sad about this. heartbreak happens.

2. message from ur s/o

oracle: believe in the impossible, blue moon

tarot: page of cups, the sun reversed, 3 of coins

i feel like your s/o is saying although you dont know who they are (your s/o may be undecided) but they're watching you during your highs and lows. they're rooting for you. they're so happy you're shifting. they want to hug you so tight one day and just be able to stay with you. i hear that sometimes your highs and lows are uncontrolable, shadow work may help you. you may have tried shifting in a past life and gave up completely. this is the life you will finally do it.

Pile 4!

Last pile! yall dont know how happy i am to be on the last pile. its almost 1:30 am im tired asf bc i fixed my sleep schedule.

confirmation: addiction, sweets, hearts, queen of hearts, alice in wonderland, playing cards, 333, missing out/feeling left out,

How far are you on your shifting journey?

oracle: i was guided not to grab any

tarot: the hanged man, nine of torches, three of pentacles reversed

you're at a point of being stuck. like you were in a web. you're moving out of it a little bit but you stopped and said "well the rain will get me out." you're relaxing trying to let the universe do the work. take that knife out your pocket and get to work man! you're wanting something but doing nothing. thats lazy. if you dont put anything in theres no chance of getting it back.

A message from your s/o.

oracle: Thake your time and breathe out disseminating moon

tarot: ace of wands, temperance reversed, three of wands, ace of cups reversed

you know you have great creative potential. why dot you use it to make your own method? write what makes you so happy to shift. express how much you love your s/o in a letter. they're telling you to use this creativity you have stored up in you for the good. it will benefit you and everyone around you. you may inspire someone else! they're telling you to take a step back from a hard situation and work on a side quest, almost. it will help you in the long run (like getting a level advantage over one of the bosses) i can tell you're getting impatient. learn that everything happens for a reason. take a break. focus on something else. dont make shifting the only thing you're looking forward to in life. okay? once you do this you'll move forward although it will be hard to realize (for you) that shifting ISNT WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT!

thank you all for reading! i hope it resonated. i worked on this from 11pm to 2 am omg

ONCE AGAIN, THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED IN 2022.

[d10nsaint]

“I WAS FEELING INSECURE—SO INSECURE THAT YOU MIGHT NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE.”

ft. Aki Hayakawa

tw: insecurities, personal comfort, slight self insert , h!m€n0

On some days— your worst, your insecurities skyrocketed. You’d stand before the mirror, wishing for everything to go away.Your insecurities had such a far range, from yourself and your body and habits, to your boyfriend and those who surrounded him.

To you, it just was that everyone around Aki was perfect—beautiful, strong, assertive—and you were, well, you. You weren’t a beautiful boss, or a strong devil hunter with a team to lead. You were a normal person with a normal job.

Aki never understood your insecurities. You were his world, his safe space, where he went for advice. He knew about your ‘days’, and just couldn’t understand. You’re so perfect— whats there to be sad about?

He knows to—sometimes—leave you alone during times like this. Things like these are personal battles and you cant overcome them with help—its a battle of your own mind and how you see yourself. He can only help you in the aftermath.

Sometimes, during these ‘episodes, you’d just listen to music on an outdated music player, with an old play going on in the background.

He knocked on the bedroom door, just coming back from work.

“..[name]? are you in there?” He noticed that Denji and Power weren’t home yet—it was so quiet. ‘I wonder what they’re fucking up now,’ he thought as he twisted the door handle open.

He slowly opened the door to find you sitting on the bed, head on a pillow, with your eyes at the cealing.

“..[name]?” He looked at you oddly. “Are you awake?”

Your gaze slowly shifted from the ceiling to his tall frame, peeking through the door. He looked so handsome, so effortlessly. He was also just so caring, so sweet. An amazing boyfriend. Multiple times, you’d ‘joke’ and say that he was too good for you.

“Aki,” you sighed, happy that it was him and not Power or Denji—you loved them, sure, but they were both insanely loud and ignorant, and at the moment, you couldn’t take the noise. You covered up the sigh with a light laugh, “Im sorry, I didnt hear you come through the door- come, sit.” You patted the sheets near you so he could sit next to you, exactly where he liked to be. But something was off.

He slowly shuffled over to sit next to you, as you propped yourself up again to lie down. He bent over to give you a quick kiss that seemed to put you deep in thought.

“ [Name], what’re you thinking about?” He seemed so confused and concerned—He was so genuine.

“I was just feeling so insecure,” you started, taking a deep breath before finishing, “so insecure that you might not love me anymore.”

A moment of silence filled the room before he let out a fake cough. “..why is that?” He was perplexed. Hasn’t he been taking care of you? Showing you affection?

You took a deep breath—what you were about to say was going to take a whole lot of guts, but it’ll also get so much off of your chest. You knew it was better to talk about your problems and come to a helpful agreement.

“Himeno.” Her name came out like a cracked whisper, maybe even a sob. “Himeno,..shes a reason that I feel like that.Shes always so close to you, so touchy. To any outsider, it looks like you both are dating.”

You turned over to the wall so you wouldn’t face him. You sounded so stupid. But you tried so hard for him, and he knew. At this point, you didn’t even know if he was being oblivious on purpose. How could a man not notice how close she was?

“ [Name], you know I dont like Himeno, we’re just co-workers. Sometimes, I even find her antics annoying.” He rubbed your back as he spoke, then leaned down to plant a kiss to the side of your neck.

“I dont know what i have to do to prove it to you, but I really dont like Himeno like how I like you.” He moved his body so he’d be getting off the bed.

“I’ll leave you in here. Tell me if theres anything you need,alright?” He walked to the door and almost finished closing it when you turned over a bit.

“Hey Aki?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

[malewifesband]

trying to go back and actually write this scene w kabru and rin. my stupid illness is worse again so im struggling but id like thoughts if anyone has them. on like any aspect

to establish: i feel like kabru takes rin for granted like by far the person he seems to treat worst is her. hes not a terrible person for this no way but like the way he teases her about liking him despite having no feelings for her ... idk i feel like he counts on rin always being there. like nothing could push her away so he feels he can be a bit cruel and hell be forgiven--not like she doesnt rag on him all time, right?

but i think things change when he falls in love. like it finally hits rin that man, its never going to be her. shes watched him date around for years, and never truly fall for someone, so there was always that hope that one day hed just realize how he really felt about her. and now she cant delude herself thats true, she can just fuckin tell how bad he has it for laios after spending two years living between the castle and her apothecary. she starts trying to breakaway from him, because every time she talks to him theres a reminder that he loves someone who isnt her.

feeling especially pathetic one night, she sees marcille, who is also feeling especially pathetic bc falin is still over a year away from her and enjoying their open relationship, but marcille doesnt. she cant bring herself to want anyone but falin. rins like ok bet. we are the same kind of pathetic and i dont like you but youve also been nothing but nice to me and im not reconciling these feelings. lets have sex

the scene im struggling with comes after

like rin is in the garden again, hoping that marcille will come. she didnt feel lonely when she was with marcille. she felt... special. more seen. she didnt think about how she misses kabru even when hes with her.

but ofc kabru is seeking her out bc he just really fucked up with laios.

she tells him, yeah man, super your fault for pressing the bruise after fuckin kissing him and then refusing to talk about it. everybody knows the dude does not want to get married and have heirs why did u like agree with his dads letter that he has a duty to sire children

she really doesnt want to talk to him about this. she wants him to need her like she needs him--she doesnt want to need him like she does. and she doesnt want to help him fall in love with someone else, but its like he doesnt even realize whats happening.

kabru insists the kiss was nothing, and he shouldnt talk about it with laios bc he was just drunk its just... he wants laios' full trust. and its weird, but sometimes he pictures laios as girl and something about that works. but its a weird wishful thinking bc kabru wants to get thru this barrier they have where (kabru feels) laios feels like he cant trust him bc kabru is good liar and laios cant read ppl. like maybe if they shared something that intimate, them both being trans, theyd understand each other completely

rin doesnt really know what to make of any of that. it feels like further rejection. like it just feels obvious to her that no matter what, he loves laios. and that thorny feeling of jealousy is spiraling around her heart. maybe she says something cruel, gives terrible advice bc she feels so hurt that he cant see how sincere her jealousy is, that he cant see how it hurts her to hear him in love with someone else?

im not super sure where to take the scene from there. i know i want it to end with kabru feeling worse about laios and deciding to avoid him, but without him realizing that rin is purposefully pulling away yet. (he'll realize that later, when laios is the one to tell him she and marcille and seeing each other and he didnt even know. and he'll have to address then that hes taken her friendship for granted)

any thoughts on the kinds of things she might say? or might tell him? i feel like theres an obvious solution im just missing

[system-of-a-feather]

Vent-ish, Advice Welcome

But man, being in a relationship with someone who has empathy (possibly hyperempathy) as someone who has almost as low affective empathy as you can get is fucking hard man. Even with good communication and awareness of how one another are in regards to empathy talk, theres just shit that comes with being hyperempathetic and no-empathy that just inherently are hard to match as the opposing polar

Cause when hes bad, he would really like someone who can have and understand that - at least - affective empathy mindset and approach and that is NOT a bad thing about him, nor is it an ableist thing or anything, its fair to want and feel the need for something like that as long as its not taken out or judged as an intentional trait. It's a compatibility and communication issues that, ideally, could be handled by asking exactly what he would like me to say and how he would rather I approach it and just general what he needs from me in those moments - but in practice, he just does not really have that self knowledge and awareness to tell me what he specifically means and needs when he mentions that and so its just left off with a "this is not what I need / want" without any actual productive or constructive criticism

Which I TOTALLY understand and I'm not mad about cause I get it, I get how it is, but much like its fair that he wishes I could provide that, it is fair that I am frustrated that I can't be given more instruction on how to help provide him with what he needs.

And honestly - if I'm being real - I'm getting really frustrated and tired from this at work, but being autistic in a not-autistic environment, being low-empathy in an empathetic world is just EXAUSTING cause there is jsut so much people EXPECT you to just, infer and know about how theyd like to be interacted with and what they 'actually mean' and tend to perceive it as an intentional and personal decision rather than them just not really making their communication clear to those that aren't to the neurotypical standard.

Its just ughhh can someone write a universal manual for the empathy-intact non-autistic mind that universally answers how to navigate every communication situation with them for autistic people (/hj) cause ughhhh I'd LOVE to meet you at your language and communication style and meet your requests for how you would like to be approached in situations but I can't do that without you knowing what you need ughhhhh

I've asked some of my empathy-intact non-autistic friends how to deal with stuff like this and there are thigns like "just listen" and "acknowledge the struggle without giving advice" and what not and sometimes that works and helps but a lot of the time its just like that too comes off as an incorrect dating sim selection and I'm just like ughhhhhh

Why do I keep getting this symbol above heads

Or even worse

[entomolog-t]

It is also fun in gulliver-type situations when the giant is used to being short, or the main tiny is used to being tall.

And I have a guess as to one of the things you're going to get out of that: It's a reversal of an established power dynamic, and that is always interesting.

OH MAN DO I EVER LOVE THIS.

Big fan of Big Guy is now small 😭💕

In my unlicensed professional opinion, you are spot on- The key theme here would be the reversal of an established power dynamic!

Theres also themes of novelty and extreme fish out of water feelings which we can touch on.

Reversal dynamics are enticing for a variety of reasons. There is a comedic aspect of subverted expectations, as well as the aforementioned themes of novelty and feeling out of place.

Now why might we want this?

At a shallow surface level, we are curious by nature. Novel perspective and new situations that defy our expectations are exciting. The brain likes to reward us for acquiring new information. Our brain is circumstantially wired to be interested in things that defy expectations- given that if something goes against the brains established norm it's view of the truth is incomplete. This is a pretty cool byproduct of natural selection- the more you know and the more complete your understanding, the greater likelihood of survival.

More deeper connections will likely be tied to projection of some sort- for example wanting to have some sort of physical control or commanding presence where in IRL you may find it lacking.

There can also be reframing involved, where you project the traits of someone (or even just a typical archetype) onto the fish out of water- and the fantasy asks as a way to make them see a different perspective.

A very good question to ask yourself would be-

What lessons/changes would I want to see occur?

Are you looking for a character to be humbled?

Learn to be more careful/kind?

To understand what its like to feel helpless?

A follow up question would be to identify the traits of your fish out of water- not limited to personality either. Do they remind you of anyone? Maybe even aspects of yourself?

Usually with these two questions you're able to find a little nugget of realization- For example, maybe you realize those characteristics remind you of your boss- and the change the fantasy seeks is for him to feel small, perhaps have to listen to other because theres no other choice.

I feel like its pretty easy to then draw a conclusion that your subconscious might be dwelling on your boss not respecting you- making you feel small. While I'm not hear to give work advice, this gives you a solid jumping off point to look for a means of change, however you see fit.

Normally what we fantasize reflects something taking up mental space, and the brain likes to work though it. It can be helpful to look at these traits like an IRL road map to calming one's mind and freeing up mental space.

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Thank you for visiting for your appointment today. You're bill will be sent via carrier pigeon. Please plan accordingly.

[kfruityouth]

alright ive had it. who the hell is the conductor

or: i go insane trying to analyse file 28.

also, fair warning: this will be all over the place and probably very stream-of-consciousness.

we all know that one chart, right? the one that has the conductor very much within the 'sydney should die' zone? okay. brilliant.

in order to debunk this, late night history channel program style, lets look at the scene we're given (this is, of course, banking off and assuming that the conductor is the weirdo guy in the field from the clock of meantime) and also, this took place, if im remembering the timeline correctly, after sydney had been resurrected.

pretty normal, right? WRONG!

the inability to make a fist was mentioned earlier in the episode by sydney.

the inability to make a fist is usually in relation to the inability to defend oneself, seen repeatedly with elijah (freaky psychic fatigue-inducing style), jedidiah (toxic yaoi codependency style) and adam (i cant make this one funny. i cant.).

something something, the rabbit not being able to fight back. something something, sydney hopes never to experience that but he does!

"fist-forming hands" and "railroad-uprooting eyes" seem to be juxtapositions—the conductor is defenceless, and offensive.

i have ideas for this one, but they dont really fit in here so ill leave it for now.

jedidiah is defenceless now, too.

(the next little part just kind of seems to me like a bit of, er, verse, so i wont go over it except for this little bit...

...whiiiiich kind of reminds me of how sydney can only eat buttered bread. i wonder if theres something there?)

anyway!

yeah.

god, c'mon. the cardinal is tapping at the clock face. trying to break the glass. trying to just know, because only if he could.

a one-track mind is something jedidiah very obviously possesses; we see it most prominently in his incessant devotion to his project, whatever the hell that might be.

he's not going to lose track.

i'd also like to address "strong man"??? i don't think it's just a physical descriptor, i think it's in reference to mental strength. jedidiah, though fearful and apprehensive, seems to admire this guy, and follows his, er, "advice". his "help." sound familiar? ( yall i cannot get into this crack theory i have that the conductor is to jedidiah what adam is to sydney)

also, "the sky finally shatters, and I slip through the cracks"? dude i cant even begin to go into this one. all im gonna say is rowan sky apocalypse. for the sake of my own sanity.

yada yada its overtaking his thoughts. whatever. you know what i mean.

(also sydneys weird clock pacemaker shtick theory. right here. evidence.)

yall dont understand how many unhinged theories i have about this one. im going to leave it here for now, because its important, and maybe come back to it in another post.

aaaaand then jedidiah goes on to talk about his father, of which the conductor reminds him of (see: "my father's strong hands")

more stars in the sky. only two that matter. GODDDDDDDDajkdhsjghf.

and of course, the famous. the one that gives me chills on every relisten. on every re-read:

something is driving jedidiah's mind (literally, driving, if we use that motherfucking train as a metaphor), driving his 'project'. the same project thats literally causing the majority of the events of season 1.

all of this leads me to believe one thing about the conductor: he's not the conductor of the train—he's the conductor of the plot.

[vampirerite]

high school teacher + demon killer au because ?????????

lots and lots of details below. i kinda went insane

TLDR Artoria is a Slayer figure so shes just really good at killing shit, but that also means demons and etc are just naturally attracted to her. Merlin helped raise her with everything she would need to be a killing machine, and has for several of her reincarnations, but with each one he felt worse and worse she didnt get a normal life even if it was for "the greater good". He still taught her how to defend herself but couldnt bring himself to railroad her into dedicating her entire life to it again so now shes a school Principal and he's head of the English department. He does everything in his power to make sure Artoria doesn't notice demon activity (she does, she notices it very much, but she remembers her past lives and is trusting Merlin to handle it and treating this like a vacation essentially). Merlin is responsible for properly banishing demons from earth when hunters kill them, as destroying their hosts or their demonic forms still gives them a chance to come back years down the line.

He noticed Izou (PE teacher) and Antonio (Music teacher) had affinity for demon slaying and pays them extra to help keep the school safe, because its a supernatural hotzone now from Artoria being there. Theres a lot more staff recruits (you can assume every other staff member in every department is in on it) but im focusing on these two.

Izou is back in his home town after feeling lonely getting pissed off at his mechanic job, and he just takes the PE position bc how hard can it be to teach kids to kick a ball. or run. He lives in Ryouma's extra room and also loved coming back to find out he was married, invited no one to the wedding, and also his wife is a benevolent dragon god demon that is a threat to the local frog population (she eats them but also accepts them as offerings for small boons) but otherwise harmless. Izou is no stranger to killing demons but his understanding of the magic behind it is pretty much zero, he'll just keep cutting until it dies. And if cutting it doesnt kill it, hes in trouble. His favorite student is Okita Jr, a young girl who's a bit outcast because she always talks to her imaginary friend Rengoku. but she actually "listens" to Izou's athletic advice, which makes him incredibly happy. She's the daughter of Okita and Nobu.

Antonio has always struggled with possessions and he foolishly made a deal with one named The Gray Man to get other demons off his back when he was a child. When summoned The Gray Man is in control and possesses his body, which lets him physically fight on level with a demon. This has its advantages, but unfortunately just being contracted to The Gray Man occasionally causes auditory and visual hallucinations. This means he needs someone to reality check him occasionally, which Mozart does regularly as his best friend and coworker. Unfortunately, Antonio's most frequent hallucinations involve killing him. When not using The Gray Man he can still conjure a silver sword thats especially effective against undead and cast minor bindings and offensive magics. He does not have a favorite student, but adores the group of children he teaches choir at the local church.

Asclepius is the school nurse whos crabby and intense and yet weirdly lax. if you show up saying you have a stomach ache he'll question you as if you murdered someone, looking for something strange or unique about the most simple injuries or nausea just in case it's tied to a demon or a possession. As soon as you pass his check he'll let you go home, even if you admit you were lying about feeling sick. Its not his business why you want to leave, just get out of his office. But also he's there for demonology research and is given his extra pay in demon corpses for research. He is also not defenseless, having rigged most of his office with some sort of trap or hidden weapon he can set off in case someone tries to steal research or corpses. A perk of him being eccentric is that no one questions why his office takes up the majority of the school basement. He also lives down there.

[surplus-of-sarcasm]

ive tried to write women so many times but have failed to the point theres barely any female characters in my stories. and im very aware this is a flaw in my writing because i dont hang around women often and the only long term contact with a female i have is with my family members i dont know how to write female characters on a personal level because i can never relate to them. this sucks ass but correct me if im wrong i think its better to not write female characters at all than write a shitty possibly offensive one even if i dont realize it

Hi.

Okay, here's my take on what you're saying. I know for a fact that the most difficult things to write are things/situations/environments we know so little about. And it's even harder to get it right when it's a more sensitive thing, if yk what I mean. A huge perspective shift like this is definitely a challenge because men and women are quite different.

Here's the thing. I'm not trying to pressure you into writing them, but I'm telling you that even if you have problems with them now, doesn't mean you have to give up on writing them completely. If not writing them at all is your final decision, then that's still okay, still your call in the end, but if you do want to write them, it's very possible.

I know I write both male and female characters, but the first time I ever officially wrote smth that wasn't for school, it was with a female protag because ultimately, I see the world from the eyes of a woman. When I decided to write a male character for a more serious project, I realised I needed to research it. And lemme tell you that again, not every piece of advice in a writing help article is always applicable. It's largely based on the author's own personal experiences. They're more like tips than rules you must adhere to.

Please note that I've spent considerable time around men I'm close to in my family, I had male classmates and currently have a friend who's a guy, so that definitely helps. And it's completely understandable that you haven't spent enough time around women to grasp more about them Ig. My male characters are not exactly copy-paste of these men/boys either, but some of their traits and mannerisms may be connected.

And you not relating to them is completely okay. I'm not very likely to relate to parts of my male character's life that come with him being a man, but what I can relate to is what makes him human. There is definitely an overlap in several traits between men and women. For example, the way I would feel angry abt smth would be different from how a guy Ik would feel angry about the same thing. The key is simply to avoid bad cliches.

Again, I'm not trying to get you to write them if you really don't want to. Forcing yourself to write smth you don't want to definitely won't help, and won't create good pieces of writing. But just in case you wish to in the future, you can practice and research and test it out, and fun fact, part of it involves a little bit of winging it. I've done this for like genres/ideas I haven't tried before, and surprisingly it actually works. But, tbf, it's a lot more difficult when the issue at hand is the opposite gender.

And answering your last question, while it doesn't mean you must give up completely and you will never be able to do it, I can agree that no representation is better than a poorly represented character. Though, there is a chance you might be too harsh on yourself, since Idk exactly what any female characters you've written are like.

And about my reblog on that post abt writing women, Ig it was more aimed at people who've never tried or misrepresent women by applying a crap ton of harmful stereotypes to them. You seem to have made a genuine effort, so that's a pretty good thing.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for the ask.

[getcardedtarot]

Hi! I hope your day is going well! I saw that you’d been doing free readings and was curious as to if they were still open? I would be eternally grateful for one if possible! My initials are TH and my question is what should I be doing currently/am I doing enough currently? I feel stuck and have for a while. Theres so many things that I’m interested in but none of those things are easy to find jobs in. And there’s so much I want to do but I’m not really in the predicament to do so. I can’t help but be worried at times that my future will end up in a bad place because I’m not working towards it as actively as I wish to right now.

If you are able to do this, thank you so so much in advance. I appreciate it more than you know💕

Hi TH!

Your reading really spoke to me. It was so energetic from the beginning, cards kept jumping out of the deck as I was shuffling, so there are some extra cards in your reading. I got so much from your reading, and so it is quite long.

I’m seeing that you are very much raring to go. You’re ready to get started and be moving forward with your goals. You’re very motivated and frustrated that things seem to be acting against you. I’m seeing that you don’t just want to profit and have esteem, you want to work for it. I’m feeling a lot of work ethic from you. I see that you want to create a life for yourself. I see that you want to work for it, build it yourself. 

I see that you feel very much like you’re having to fight for your place to be able to work and create a life for yourself. You’re feeling very much like you’re going uphill on rollerskates. You’re fighting so hard for this, but it feels so hard. It feels like so much is against you, and all you want is a chance. 

I see that you feel weary. It’s wearing on you now. You’re feeling downtrodden. It’s like you’re on a journey and you’re so tired, you want to call it quits right here. But you still have your goal in mind and are pushing forward. I see that you want so badly to be productive, but the establishment, the way things are, makes it hard for you. 

I’m seeing a lot of hope for you in this reading. I’m seeing you pushing through, doing what you need to do to be where you want to be. I see you working hard and achieving your goals. I’m seeing someone in your life who is overbearing and has very traditional views. They don’t understand the way things are for you. Put up boundaries there, don’t let their words get to you. Things were not the same for them. You know it and I know it. What they have to say in this doesn’t matter. You are doing the best you can with what you have been given and letting them get in your head about “not doing enough” will only hurt you.

I also see an older man in your life. He is wise, has good advice to give you. He has knowledge to share that will help you along. Seek him out. 

These feelings of anxiety you’re having about your progress need to be left behind. It’s very good that you have this drive and desire to do well for yourself, but fixating on what’s not happening for you is detrimental. It saps your energy, leaving you less able to think clearly and act when opportunities might be presented. 

Set some time aside to nurture yourself. Time to relax and think only about what you can do to make yourself feel good. Indulge in something, get yourself a little treat. Whatever it is, it will help rejuvenate you. It will help you keep going, help prevent you from burning out.

[javid-shamash]

69 for stras and aeon :-)

man. thisll be a long one. Stras first cause itll be a little shorter

aelwyd cannot be trusted. she's self serving and will sell out anyone if it gives her any sort of edge, no matter how small. he's pretty sure she can be trusted to hate bela but he does not trust her with literally anything else. everytime he's given her a chance to prove herself trustworthy she's immediately betrayed it

blank is so fucking naive and so easily manipulated its embarrassing. theyll listen to literally anything anyone says and that makes them so easy to use as a tool for ulterior purposes, and as such, cannot be trusted. also theyre obviously getting used like a goddamn puppet by probably vecna. whatevers going on, theyre not in total control, and as such is even MORE of a threat

chini is a threat fullstop. bela's in her fuckign BRAIN. absolutely cannot be trusted. he'll try to help kairii break her out of it but. man. whatever happens happens. if that means working with her, if that means getting rid of her. stras knows things will most likely break bad

kairii is... interesting. stras did not really think much of them except as a good fighter, but now that he's getting to know them, hes realizng theyre WAY more similar than he thought, and is kind of vibing?? they both know what theyre about. stras is beginning to think. there might be someone here who actually understands him

ira is. as she's always been. a nice, comfortable enigma. she's nice and helpful and he has no fucking clue what's up with her. he doesn't know where she will fall when the chips are down, but knows she helped him get the truth from that shadow thing in the last battle. he's hoping they can reach a consensus but. she's a mystery to him

Aeon time.

Thyme is... odd. theres really no other way to put it. aeon just categorically does not understand thyme at all. they dont understand thyme's priorities, thyme's motivations, why thyme cares so much about making things fancy, about being the one to win people over... thyme is. weird. theyre also not helpful with literally anything

sylvas!!!! bugboy. uhm. whats happening with you <3. aeon is confused by sylvas but in a different way than thyme because aeon does not know or understand what academics are and why sylvas cares about it. aeon wants to be supportive but is. confused. and also maybe theyre a teeny tiny bit a little jealous that they can get along with uo so well when aeon feels like they barely know how to interact with uo on a good day despite caring about them so much. the social anxiety swag

ymira is fun! she's really interesting and cool to talk and hang out with and is a nice cook. but also. aeon doesnt really. know how to talk to her. they feel like everytime theyve tried, its petered out and theyve just. completely failed to talk to her. plus when aeon asked her advice and she couldnt help at all they just. felt so dissappointed and they dont want to blame ymira for that. its not her fault. but there's a bit of bitterness that the one person he thought would understand. didnt

aine is some kind of creature of some sort. another one that aeon. doesnt really know how to interact with. but also aeon feels some solace in that. aine the most feels like someone aeon could sit in a room in silence with for hours and not feel like the silence is awkward or uncomfortable. which aeon just. really appreciates? aeon sort of likes not knowing much about aine because it means he can maintain this sort of. communal silence without worrying about personal shit interrupting

uo is aeon's first friend, and as i alluded earlier, aeon has no idea how to interact with them and feels very very embarrassed by it. they should know! they were in a similar environment, they have similar builds and fighting styles, theyve got similar interests... but aeon just. does not know how to talk to uo and it feels like uo says things that are important and necessary but aeon doesnt understand them at all. so. aeon feels. awkward. they care about uo a lot and appreciate them greatly. but it sucks not knowing how to talk to them. also there's some lingering issues with getting such a stark reminder of Woods Time but he's. mostly over it

echo goldaline. man. what a card. aeon has such a myriad of feelings about echo that he has no fucking clue what to do about. theyve been trying to like. sort and dissect their thoughts but everything keeps happening always and forever. so they never get a chance to just. think. and put their feelings into words. so its just a mess of confusion and bitterness and affection that cannot build into something concrete. they think theyre friends with echo. they dont want anything else. but beyond that. they dont know

[frankenkyle19]

Heyyyy!! <3 could u ship me with one of the evan character pls?

Im 5'2 with dyed ginger hair, its messy kinda like a shaggy wolfcut?? with bangs and hazel eyes. I have a nose ring and other piercings on my ears. I have a hourglass shape but kinda skinny??? I have long legs too

Im studying to become an artist (currently waiting to get a masters on illustration and digital art) I love doing illustrations and design characters, worlds, etc!

I tend to empathize pretty easily with people, and for that they usually open up with me abt feelings or situations wtv. Im always available if theres a loved one in need :) im the type of friend that will randomly text u abt how important u are, I have severe anxiety and i have big problems in setting boundaries with ppl,,,,,, since i always try to understand everyone, i always put myself last.

I loveeee horror movies and im a huge fan of the genre! Binging horror movies is a perfect date! I love books and im always buying more and more,,, im a big music nerd too and im always with my headphones on :)

Sorry if this is too much,,, have a great day or night!! :) ♡

I ship you with…. KIT!

He’d absolutely love and support your career, completely mesmerized by the art you create, no matter the genre. He finds it so cool.

he’d love your ginger hair, like would love love it, says it makes you 10x more beautiful but would literally love any hair color you sported. Is very interested in your piercings and though he’d never get any himself, he loves yours. Also loves that you’re quite a bit shorter than him because he feels like he can protect you.

Feels comfortable enough around you to open up to you about what happened to him in the asylum because your presence calms him and he trusts you. he would make sure you took care of yourself and set boundaries. Would never let someone walk all over you but would also not treat you any less. He’d give you advice and ask if you wanted his help in talking with said person to set boundaries.

might not be a big fan of horror movies, but for you? He’d watch all of them. He loves seeing you enjoying yourself and to him, that’s his favorite activity. he’d definitely come home from work each day with flowers and a new book tied up in a pretty bow. You’d end up with lots of bookshelves just from the amount of books this man gets you. You said you wanted a new book that’s getting released? He’s home with it the second it is released.

so yeah. Definitely KitKat!

[dsmpkinfessions]

tommy here to deliver advice! first, casper (ghostbur irl). big man, there's no forcing your memories back. they come to you naturally, or i suppose you can just think about it real hard until you explode but i don't think that will help... but ! you can try to think about them before you sleep, maybe you'll end up dreaming about them? i find that they come naturally, not something you can force. and what you do end up remembering, i suggest writing it down as then you can categorize everything and try to make a timeline with it. thats what i do! now... wilbur. wilbur, the multiple of you have spoken, really need to grow a pair. you left me, dont forget that and i have so many reasons to be upset but im not. you lost a brother but gained a partner? thats great! im happy for you. no, really! i am! but i never thought poorly of you, well i had moments of anger and frustration and even disappointment, but i don't think its fair of me to resent you either. it's like that one bluey quote! "Sometimes special people come into our lives, stay a bit, and then they have to go. [but thats sad!] It is! But the bit where they were here was happy, wasn't it? [yea, we caught a wild pig together!] Maybe that makes it all worth it?" and laugh at how i memorized that quote all you want but just realize it applies in the situation. yeah its sad but you know what, theres a lot of fond memories in the mix. look towards those !!! don't focus so much on the bad, it wont get you anywhere past self pity. one wilbur irl mentioned thinking he failed me? yeah, a bit. but not really either? you did what you could and you were shit at it but that doesnt mean i hate you or blame you, just means i recognized it. tubbo did me dirty plenty of times, with exile and what not. but its not like i hate him for it, it was miserable at the time but i understand he was doing what he thought was right..... and being manipulated by the green tella tubby. think of it this way: just like everyones done wrong to me, i did wrong to them. you shouldnt feel bad. you were doing what you thought was best and i recognize that. i appreciate you trying, even. so thank you.

ANYWAYS. tumblr glitching and giving me this massive block in between aside, i want a cool emoji sign off so i'll come back and think of one some day..... for now call me Advice Tommy !! oo maybe i should make a blog just for this even

- tommy irl

[vlodimirvoneverec]

4am ramblings! Tw: depression, trauma, that sorta thing.

Man, I’m trying to reconnect with my emotions in therapy and its just so hard. Because after all these years theres just a lot of hurt behind the dam. I think if I start letting some emotions through to process them, Ill get caught up in the deluge and drown. They’re overwhelming. Putting them away behind a wall has helped me survive to get to where I am today and the only reason I’m trying to reintegrate the feeling part of myself is because I know I should, not because I want to or believe that it will help or improve things. In fact, I think that if I start feeling things, I wont be able to stop and the world will feel paralyzing and overwhelming again. I just have hope that I am strong enough now to shoulder it. I used to feel things so deep as a kid and now as an adult I realize I still can feel that deeply, still experience joy and newness and the perfect combination of all those ooey gooey neurochemicals that make life take on color and sound and motion again. But then with that depth the loss of them hurts all the more. Like if a turtle came out of its shell to finally feel the sunlight on its face only to freeze to death once the sun sets. Id rather stay inside my shell. There may be no content heat, no gentle summer breeze or succulent clover inside the shell but at least there’s survival. Survival in the hope that maybe one day, the sun won’t leave and return to the shell will never be necessary. But each time that feels like it might be the case the winter frost scores my nose and leaves me alive just enough to regret doubting the safety of the shell. And alive just enough to begin longing inside for the heat to rise again. My classmate said her therapist said starting a sentence with “I feel” then ending it with an intellectualization doesn’t count. Which is hard, because I’ve been masquerading my intellectualizations as feelings and using what I think I should feel as a reference point. But I dont know what I feel because I dont think I could adequately articulate it linguistically. Its paralyzing. When you have so much to say but can’t get it out in a way people understand. Like trying to scream in a bad dream but theres so much power getting ready to burst through your throat that it dies in there. I guess I think that if I start feeling, I’ll have to catch up from all the time I spent not feeling. And I know thats a lot of shit I’ve just swallowed down and pushed through since I didn’t think there was anything to do for it at the moment. And the thing is is that there wont be anything to do for it in the current moment but feel it. And it seems like a waste to cripple myself like that with nothing to show for it but a sense of despair and defeat. Maybe if I feel things again and get the feelings out I can move on from the thing tearing through my mind most of the time. I’ve talked with so many people, people I’m close with, who I trust to give me their honest advice and opinions. Even with all this I’m nowhere closer to a solution or a plan of action than when I got back. If anything, I’ve less now than when I got back. Of course, when I got back there emerged plenty of other dumpster fires to put out, which is an ongoing fire suppression process. My friends must be sick of me just ruminating over the same thing. Bringing it up in unrelated conversations over and over and over, like a rock in the ocean waves. Well all the edges are smoothed out now, but the rock is still there. I don’t know if it will erode any more. Or quick enough for my purposes. Don’t I owe it to my loved ones to get over this and move on? Because whether I have time to ruminate or not, the world turns on, and the longer I linger the faster I’ll have to run to catch up. Another classmate said humans have discomfort with discomfort. Im a testament to that perspective. Hope can be a pain, when you can no longer see giving up as an answer. It will cycle through again I just know it. I just hope I have the presence of mind to enjoy the suns heat on my scaled head and the soft ground below while it’s there before it recedes...

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: Stalking and paranoia(?) Im mainly looking for someone to listen and stuff to without the whole "you're overreacting" stuff i keep being told but any advice/resources would be appreciated but not required. Apologizes for any spelling, words, or general mistakes, ive been suffering alot of issues related to motor skills lately and am in the dark with most info related to this currently.

To give some context, i live with my mother in a smallish town where most people tend to know each other's names and stuff. Well theres this guy that walks down our street, has been for longer then we've been here. And alsp its safe enough in our area that most are okay with leaving their doors unlocked during the days most of the time.

Which on its own is fine, like yeah he gave me such bad and dirty vibes the first/only time i talked to him to the point of almost burning my skin in a shower to get rid of it, but as of abouts early last year he has taken "an interest" in my mother. Which means, based on stories from our neighbor and our own experiences, he actively watches our house from a short lightly hidden distance leaving cigarette butts, walking into peoples homes and hanging out (in our case he actively tried to get into our house), and stealing mail.

We've tried to go to the police but they just tell us they cant do anything and that "its just walking jonny/donnie, he's harmless". No one but our neighbor takes us seriously cuz "he's harmless" i have mixed feelings cuz yeah he got some issues that are out of his control and please don't attack me if i say/phase anything wrong, im going off of what ive been told and am unable to do anything like research with my limited knowledge and such, but he to quote a different neighbor "has complications at birth and is stuck being mentally 13", which yeah that sucks and i sympathize with him, someone who is even if its just in the way described to me 13 years old would be able to know and learn that stalking someone for borderline 2 years isnt a normal or okay thing to do. His parents do nothing about this except send him somewhere for a week to please the police.

Im now deeply afraid to sleep in my own room because of this as he has started to hang out in the backyard at night and my room has huge windows viewing the backyard.

To sum this up before i go on too long, i have now developed a deep fear of my own room, being watched, and developed such bad paranoia i literally can't sleep. I constantly get told im overreacting as this man who has been stalking my mother, and in turn me, is apparently "harmless" and even if we were taken seriously they are unable (and with one cop, refuses) do anything since he was not physically hurt us or our animals. I do not fear for myself, but my mother and our dogs especially since he primarily sees them, as ive been unable to easily my house due to things regarding my new motor issues, and he has become more active with his stalking if that makes any sense

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry this has been happening. Your feelings about this are totally valid and this is not okay.

Unfortunately police can and do suck about helping victims, particularly victims of stalking. When I tried to report someone stalking me to the police, they refused to help me. I know very little about laws so take this with a grain of salt, but from what I do understand about reporting stalking to the police, is that they are more likely to help you if you gather what they constitute as evidence, which is mainly photos, videos, and audio recordings. While it may be legal for him to loiter on public property, it may be helpful to try to take a photo of or record him the next time he tries to violate your property.

I'm sorry to hear that other people have been minimizing this situation, as well as its effect on you. It's unacceptable to tolerate or normalize this kind of behavior. You are not overreacting.

If you can access or afford it, and if you don't already have one, I recommend looking into getting a therapist. A mental health professional could help address your paranoia and insomnia, as well as find some effective coping mechanisms for not only the situation but for yourself as well. You don't deserve to live in fear.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions please feel free to add on. Otherwise hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun