#like im not cutting anything but i COULD bludgeon someone

[petermorwood]

I have a sword question, if I may. Or more of a sword confusion Im seeking clarification on.

In my mind a fantasy european standard sword (that obviously doesnt really exist, but like, when a knight or someone in a story has an unspecified sword), I always imaged a straight blade with a triangular tip, both edges sharp cutting edges.

Then at some point I learned about eg scimitars that have a cutting edge and a ...blunt edge?

I was looking at your recent addition to the post about the Turkish sword, where you distinguish between an inner cutting edge on a sword v an outer cutting edge.

And then Im thinking of those enormous zweihander types that are all about momentum and do those even need a particularly sharp edge? They seem in dnd parlance to be a bludgeoning weapon not for slashing.

And while Im asking, like. Rapiers are very stabby weapons, do they have sharp edges at all or judt a sharp point?

I guess my overall question culminates something like "what parts of swords are designed for what damage and why? Is there anything all swords have other than blade and handle like can they all be used for stabbing or do some have very blunt points etc? Is it a big deal for a sword to be double-edged, does that necessitate specific training? Whats up with different sword blades?"

I realise thats a pretty enormous question that might be unreasonable to ask. Im happy with whstever response you are or arent willing to give. Hope you have a good day :)

Sharp edge / blunt edge is the setup on any kitchen or table knife you've ever encountered, and being able to put a hand on the blunt "edge" - usually called the back of the blade - not only helps when mincing herbs or garlic, but also features in some techniques of swordplay.

Other techniques employed non-blade parts of the weapon, using the pommel like a mace and the crossguard like a pick-axe.

*****

Whether swords should be straight or curved, single- or double-edged, was an argument which continued as recently as the early 1900s.

The last swords issued to cavalry for combat use (modern parade swords don't count) were both remarkably similar designs, straight-bladed for thrusting, adopted by the UK in 1908...

...and the US in 1913.

There was, of course, strong opposition from those who insisted cavalry swords should be sabres curve-bladed for cutting instead.

Equally of course, both sides failed to notice - or ignored, since a certain kind of cavalry officer was only bright as regards boots, buckles and buttons - the uncomfortable fact that machine-guns and repeating rifles had made the whole ta-ran-ta-rah "cut them down with your swords, men!" cavalry charge an exercise in futility.

*****

D&D, unless they've considerably upped their accuracy game, isn't much of a reference for weapon realism.

"Enormous Zweihanders" and other big swords such as the Montante were a lot lighter and more nimble than they'd seem from reading an encumbrance chart.

They had their own techniques to take best advantage of length, leverage and momentum and were indeed sharp. Given a choice between a sharp combat weapon and a blunt one, sharp makes far more sense.

In addition, a sharp blade is lighter than a blunt one simply through having less metal. It may only be a few grams of difference, but it IS a difference.

That's also the reason behind a fuller, the groove(s) along a blade.

They're not "blood gutters", tough and cool though that may sound, but a way to reduce a sword's weight while preventing its blade from getting excessively flexible.

Finally...

The re-enactor is wearing half-armour, but these big swords were also meant for use against unarmoured opponents. Bodyguards often carried them (they looked impressive) and those sweeping strokes could block an entire street while The Boss got away.

That's when an ability to cut rather than merely bludgeon makes all the difference. Determined assassins might try to rush a blunt sword, but a sharp one would give anyone second thoughts...

*****

Double-edged swords versus single-edged ones seem to vary depending on cultural preference - also on period of history and intended function.

Bronze Age European swords had straight or leaf-shaped blades with double edges...

...while Ancient Egypt had the curved, single-edged khopesh, a shape which also turned up in Ancient Assyria (this one's in the Metropolitan Museum, New York USA).

It's listed as a "sickle sword", an incorrect term which I wish would go away because sickles are sharp on the inside of the curve while swords like this - their grip-shape shows how they're meant to be held and swung - are sharp on the outside.

And just when "the Ancient Middle East used curved single-edge swords" looks like a handy generalisation, along come straight swords, one from Ancient Egypt...

...another from Luristan, now part of modern Iran.

This next one comes from Ancient Iberia (Spain), right at the other side of the Mediterranean. Evidence of trading links? Your guess is as good as mine.

Iberia went on to use the falcata, a short single-edged forward-curved sword.

Those extra bits round the blade are scabbard metalwork; the wood and leather scabbard is long gone. This repro shows how they would have looked when in place.

Iberia also used a straight double-edged sword which so impressed the Romans that they adopted it, refined it and used it for several centuries. Here's one of the several Roman versions of that gladius Hispaniensis (Spanish sword), double-edged, mostly meant for stabbing but capable of very effective cuts as well.

Here's my repro of a similar sword, the elegant "Mainz" pattern with its long point and waisted blade. Very pretty, and pretty wicked.

*****

"Curved single-edged swords are Eastern, straight double-edged swords are Western", is another generalisation that won't work.

Here are Eastern straight swords...

...and Western curved ones.

*****

Viking swords were all double-edged...

...except when they weren't.

*****

Many rapiers could cut. Smallswords, which came later, couldn't.

Earlier rapiers with broader blades cut better than later ones with narrow blades, but IIRC even the later Italian and Spanish rapier styles include cuts directed at the opponent's face and sword-arm.

I have a notion that the modern thing about cutting with rapiers is based (like back-carry) on seeing it done in movies. IMO - more about it here - that's actually more a modern stage-combat safety thing than a period real-combat move. A fumbled cut is bruising and unpleasant even with a "safe" prop sword, but a fumbled thrust into the eye-socket or throat with that same "safe" sword can be fatal.

Even those early rapiers wouldn't sever a head or limb - a finger maybe, hence the elaborate hand-protection of swept and cup hilts - but blood from a forehead wound running into the eyes was, and in boxing still is, an efficient way to finish a fight by ensuring the opponent can't continue. One of the duels in "The Duellists" ends this way.

This example is a bit optimistic, IMO...

...but a longsword (double-edged)...

...or a messer (single-edged)...

...was quite capable of disarming an opponent in a very literal way.

*****

Some swords had minimal points, being intended mostly for cutting. One example of this is the Indian khanda broadsword. The second example is also very clearly single-edged.

Another cut-only sword without a point (but with double edges) is the Richtschwert (justice sword)...

...though this was a single-function (and hopefully single-cut) tool rather than weapon, neither balanced for nor intended for combat.

Hope this has helped answer the questions!

[blowfly-girll]

How would you kill someone, assuming they consent to dying by your hands? Would you feel bad for putting them in extreme pain if they weren't necessarily enjoying that part preceding death?

I wouldnt feel bad. Especially if they asked for it, but even if they didnt i wouldnt.

I dont see people as people. Theyre like dolls to me with no real feelings that i can do what i want with. Of course i logically know thats not true and i dont do Everything i want because im aware or consequences but i just dont comprehend that another person has a life and emotions.

Anyway. I would want to make sure i dont do anything lethal at first, id do some torture, pulling teeth and nails, stapling their skin and hammering nails into their flesh. Deep but not too deep cuts. Id also put different things in the wounds, salt, lemon juice, alcohol, bleach, etc.

Id do things to their genitalia, putting things inside them, cunt or dick, and slice part of it off like the balls or clitoris or labia. Id cut their nipples off and pop their eyeballs out and shove them down their throat. Maybe attempt to skin them alive in a few parts of their body. Id also break bones, as many as i could. Disembowel them too. But at that point theyd most likely be getting close to death so id stop being careful or specific and just go crazy with stabbing or bludgeoning until theyre dead.

In all honesty, right now i dont have much desire to hurt someone myself. I want to watch something kill a person for me and then examine and prod at the body afterwards.

[understandableparadox]

camping diaries of a charub: alternian forest-side b

a massive blood shot eye with red iris glares into the camera before pulling back. the same creature as the last entry sits cross legged in a cruncified tent. they wore a somewhat tattered purple outfit with the same such hue. the only difference seems to be that four of their fangs are turned outwards and a somewhat shoddily made tricorn perched on their head.

"FUCK, OK I GUESS I NEED TO DO THE VIDEO WHATEVER AS WELL, WHOEVER WATCHES THIS IN THE FUTURE, FEEL BLESSED THAT YOU GET TO WATCH A GOD DAMN MASTER AT WORK"

he walks out of frame, still talking as if the camera was with him. its not. its on the floor. recording a patch of intresting tent interior. it would take exactly one hour of recording for the alien to realize their mistake and reterive the camra...

"THE MASTER LESSONS ARE NOT FREE, IF YOU ARE CLOSE TO BEING A MASTER THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED WHAT I DID BY LISTENING..."

he turns the camera towards his work, scrap would has been constructed into a crude set of tables. on one, a few cans of soda and other such tins. had been assembled in a rather odd configuration.

"BECAUSE MY SISTER IS SUCH A FUCKING WIMP AND WONT EAT THE PERFECTLY GOOD MEAT I COULD BRING IN, I HAVE TO GET A SET UP GOING TO MAKE SOME HOME MADE NASTY ASS CANDY."

he tosses a stick into the feeder and ontop of the grate, he places a hunk of werid looking steak...

"ANYWAYS, THIS IS A "HOBO" ROCKET STOVE, HOBOS ARE FUCKING COOL, I DONT CARE IF THEY HAVE A CLOWN NAMED AFTER THEN, THEY HAD SECRET CODES, TOLD TRAINS TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES AND HAD SHIT LIKE THIS~"

theres an edge of actual enjoyment to his voice as he flips the steak over again.

"MY SISTER WANTED ME TO DO SOME SHIT??? GATHER MORE METAL STUFF, CHECK, TRY TO MAKE AN AXE, FUCKING GROSS...OH ITS FOR TREES...STILL GROSS, LOOK ANY WEAPON SOMEONE NEEDS CAN BE DONE WITH A BAT!"

to demonstrate his point, he forms his strife, a wooden baseball bat covered in various shards of scrape metal.

"IT CAN CUT, SMACK, BLUDGEON! AND IF YOU THROW IT HARD ENOUGH, ITS RANGED. PERFECT WEAPON, TEN OUTTA TEN."

he contemplates his weapon for a second before grabbing the now slightly cooked hunk of steak and ripping into it with a bit of ferocity.

"THOUGH I DONT WANNA LIVE IN THIS FUCKING TENT ANY LONGER THEN A WEEK OR TWO SO I GUESS AN AXE IS NEEDED...IF i CAN YOINK ONE OF THESE ASSHOLES CHAINSAWS, THAT MIGHT WORK TO, i SAW SOME FUCKING WERID WHITE BUG GUY WHEN I WAS SNEAKING AROUND IN TOWN AND THEY HAD A SAW."

they gain a werid twitch in their eye...

"BULKY TALL PEICE OF SHIT, DOES HE THINK HES BETTER THEN ME?! JUST SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE HES THE HOTTEST THING TO BE PURGED OUT OF THIS SHIT TEIR ROCK?! HALF THE INSECTS HERE HAD WAY COOLER ATTACHEMENTS."

another bite of meat and he seems to come off his second of indignit anger...

"AXE...THATS NOT FUCKING EASY TO MAKE SO I DONT KNOW WHY I GET STUCK ON CRAFTING DUTY, OH WAIT, YES I FUCKING DO! ITS BECAUSE IM THE FUCKING BEST AT IT!"

from his inventory, he unloads a large pile of scrap metal. he starts digging around looking for specific pecies. thick nails, peices of an old lawn mower blade...

"YEAH THIS WILL WORK... FUN FACT, YOU DONT NEED TO SHARPEN SOMETHING INTO A BLADE IF IT ALREADY HAS A BLADE."

he looks around and stares up a tree...

"WAIT HERE."

he climbs a tree up and out of frame, theres the sound of rustling, angry birds and wood ripping before the charub drops back down with a branch.

"WOOD IS GOOD FOR HANDLES, IT HURTS LESS BUT LIKE... ONLY IF ITS SHAPED RIGHT? ITS WERID, ITS BULLSHIT BUT I LIKE IT BECAUSE ITS MY BULLSHIT."

he starts to scrape away at it, creating a decently sized handle, useing a scrap metal knife to shape it through widdling. it takes him a few hours but he soon has a semi decent handle. he rummages through the junk again to drag a long length of wire.

"I WAS GOING TO USE NAILS BUT OOPS, I DONT HAVE A FUCKING DRILL OR ANYTHING WITH POWER AND WERE NOT TO THE STEAL SHIT PHASE OF OUR STAY HERE WHICH AGAIN, BULLSHIT. NOT LIKE THAT HAG WOULD HAVE LET ME HAVE POWER TOOLS..."

he uses the knife to cut out a channel into handle. he gets distracted and looks around, abandoning the project to mess with something in the crater and grass, ripping chunks off it and going off screen to where the stove is.

"I FUCKING FORGOT THE GLUE, HOW THE FUCK IS SHIT GOING TO STAY IF THERES NO GLUE...I LEARNED THIS TRICK FROM HUMANS, APPERENTLY IF YOU HAVE SAP AND BURNT SHIT... WHICH SHOULDNT BE TO HARD TO MAKE, SAP IS JUST... SUGER RIGHT? SO IF I JUST GET SOME OF THIS BAD CANDY, MELT IT AND..."

Theres a gagging noise, and a rather noxious looking smoke that roils out from of screen... he quickly comes back with a tin can filled with something miasmic that he dips a stick. he pulls it out to reveal a semi liquad black material that he pours into the channel. he shoves the old mower blade in and ties at two points with a wire. he lets it sit as he throws the contents of the candy pitch away into the crater.

"UGH, IM TIRED... IM NOT CHOPPING DOWN ANY FUCKING TREES RIGHT NOW, GOOD NIGHT I GUESS? THIS PLACE IS WEIRD... BUT ITS NICE I GUESS, KRATANOR SAYS WE HAVE TO WAIT TO TALK TO OUR "CONTACT"? WHICH I DONT UNDERSTAND, IM FUCKING BORED... WELL, NO THATS NOT TRUE, IM NOT BORED, ITS JUST QUIET HERE, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS THE MOON. WHICH I LIKE...IM DONE TALKING."

The charub reaches over and cuts off the feed.

[sweater-equestrian]

god ren faire takes so much out of me (as in, it gave me a stress migraine by the end of the day and i am now very sore and tired the day after), but it is The Best. I am still so hyped about being sold a sword BY A KNIGHT last year. Like, are you kidding????

[workingonit-currently]

Two parts to the heart.

Krish, our DM, is doing two parts today. One with the group minus Courage and one with Courage as she rides away. (80 min of aleris, silas and im time!) Let’s see how this goes. (discussion of bard and dragons before session officially starts.)

Start of session we check back in with Im and Aleris, walking to the crone.

Silas and Drusten still not exactly having a romantic walk. 

Im and Aleris time!

passing fields

They eventually get to the crone. She’s drawn a rune circle. She has WAY too much energy

Might be a sacrifice

Don’t touch Link-Noted!

Crone calls Imogen old and I LIVE for it!

Calls Aleris ‘short lady’ (I am happy.)

What is it with short people calling Aleris short

Imogen places the special book in the middle of the circle. 

SHE MIGHT BE SUMMONING SOMETHING!?

She’s grabbing random stuff to put in the circle?

SHE IS SUMMONING SOMETHING!

“It’s time to finally do an Arcana check.”

“Sorry, my hands are a bit stinky” - Thanks for that image Aleris!

Aleris knows the crone’s summoning something from the past or future.

Aleris wants to see where this goes so doesn’t say anything

Crone starts chanting mysterious words

“Hi. What the fuck.” - Imogen

They have summoned a very old man. Long grey beard, Typical wizard’s hat and a giant staff with one gem?

HE IS HARVISH HAVERSHAM?!!!

He gives Im another copy of his book. Im might rage

Haversham and Im are not getting along. Great...

“I’m going back to my own time. You-You were so much more pleasant back then. Now you’re just skin folds.” -Haversham to the crone.

He goes back and now Im has a SIGNED copy of his book of healing. 

Aleris asks the real questions while Im is grumbling. “Why did you summon him if you hate him?”

Apparently she did not mean to summon him. She wanted to summon someone else.

Im’s book has cool spells now! NICE!

The Crone is done with Imogen and Aleris now

Imogen hears giggling at the back of her head and questions what it is. (Shows she’s not use to having a warlock pact.)

The fey silences as she ALSO is not use to having a warlock.

(hmm, too many ‘new’ gods I’d say. How to fix that...)

Imogen is RUDE! (that might come back to bite her.)

ALERIS IS ON HER WAY BACK TO THE TAVERN TO TELL COURAGE ABOUT THE EVENT! (Wee woo, wee wooo! ALERT! PANIC!)

Wow...the fey queen is so much nicer than the Raven Queen.

They head back to the tavern. (panic mode!-for me)

No one is there. 

Im sits and reads her book. Oooh, fancy.

ALERIS GOES TO HER ROOM! To talk to Courage...

(I am in panic!)

Aleris sees the note

She picks it up and it’s hastily written. It says (SOMETHING! I can’t remember it fully. okay. Panic! What we know is Courage has gone.)

Silas and Drusten time?

Silas and Drusten time.

They just sit, having lunch.

Silas checks if there’s a vet and apparently is getting a gift for Courage because their birthdays are both on April 1st. (what a LOVELY birthday present. Leaving after Silas’ birthday, just as he gets you a present.)

Silas and Drusten find a clinic to check Mat out. (Mat, Silas’ snake.)

Tortle receptionist.

Silas wants to check Mat in.

“My name is Silas Haruki.” -EXCUSE ME! That’s a cute last name Silas!

Tortle tells them to take a seat. They wait for 30min -an hour

They go in. (Drusten offers his hand to walk Silas in.)

The vet inspects Mat and is concerned with his quietness

We still might consume the rich

The doctor/Vet says to give him more time outside the bag and Mat should be fine.

Silas argues that his ‘friends’ wouldn’t like that. (So now, apparently, we’re his FRIENDS!)

Vet hands them a note for a place in Mernin Isle for them to go to, secretly...

“Mat won’t die in the next two days.” -How reassuring Doc!

They might want to go visit the other Vets on the Isle

Silas goes out to search for stores to buy a birthday gift for Courage’s birthday. 

Silas has strong opinions on Gifts and Gift Shops

Silas doesn’t know what Courage would want...he’s growing more distant from her.

Silas mentions the highland cow and the plush highland cow. (Aleris has that.)

Drusten offers to pitch in for the gift but..awkward...Silas refuses and stuff...

“She could start a highland cow plushy collection.” -Yes, thank you Drusten. Spitting some facts!

Apparently Aleris ave the cow to Courage at some point?!

Drusten advises him to get her chocolates

Silas thinks it’s shoddy and rubbish so Drusten says, ‘please let me pitch in to repay you.’

Silas casually talking about killing Aleris’ fiancé.

So they go to a blacksmith to get a weapon. 

THE BLACKSMITH IS IRISH! (I love her!)

And the accent is gone. But it was there!

Shows off her wares. 

Silas looks at the sickles and greataxes. 

Silas picks a greataxe, which is tragic really. As Courage’s player...I KNOW something Silas does not..

(Panic. Panicccc.)

AND HE’S GETTING AN ENGRAVING!

‘A shoeid’ (but with an accent I can not type.)

Drusten and Silas get a fish and chips.

(also: Where is Silas storing this axe? It heavy..)

They head back to the tavern. Surprised by Im’s reading! (Silas didn’t know she could even READ!)

“Our room now?” -EXCUSE ME DRUSTEN!? Oooh, moving fast I see.

Silas just wraps the greataxe and sees where the others are. 

Silas is SOMEHOW not a rogue.

Knocks on Courage’s door and then knocks on Aleris’ door

Aleris is not answering...

Goes to Courage: The P.O.V that is

no on the temple

Courage sees this weird chain tree walking..

veers away from tree and leaves them go, walk to the town

a caravan people ask if she wants to join them, she says no, ‘she’s done with people’. They think she might kill them, she will not. they part ways.

get in the tavern and order a drink, ask around for clues to find the cult/marina reviving people

frighten a few people out of the tavern

Brown cloaked man finally tells Courage goo information.

HE’S cool!

he’s a necromancer

“Come with me-Actually sit down.”

Sits and he explains.

Raven Queen symbol sets him off, pulling Courage over the table.

Courage rolls to intimidate and it fails, he sits back.

Courage is deluded. 

“A very advanced wizard?”

Courage communes with the raven queen to get her out of the man’s head

“Roll me a d20.” -Words all players want to hear

Courage in her mind: ‘I am going to get in trouble for this. Pain is coming.’

Courage walks him out of the bar and sets him down next to his house, old alley talking

Takes any obvious weapons off him. 

“He has a bag that could be used as a bludgeoning weapon given how full of books it is.”

He heads in and Courage follows. (darn. Should have locked him away.)

He gives Courage some books to look through on the table.

They won’t help and he just explains. IS SUPER NERVOUS.

He says “The Raven Queen is looking to resummon a pretty powerful person. It’s not uncommon. ”

Pulls out a poster with maddened scribbles.

“They’re trying to remake the world.”

The Raven Queen’s been insisting this man to find Courage, caused him pain. 

Wants to destabilize everything. So gods can summon what they want.

(oh god I might be making Courage evil...)

“The raven queen isn’t the only god in the world.”

He refused to help properly so as she leaves Courage cuts his arm and dislocates it, it’s barely hanging on.

(Me and the DM talk about aura of Courage. Also, may I just say: AHHH! Intimidation, being broody, all that junk...AHH! I am not ready for it but Courage has been brainwashed over the years so...Slightly evil Courage.)

[imdoingthismspaintadventure]

In which I nerd out about PS and portal windows.

THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN.

Oh god we’re going back to TG again.

John is 1000% done with all these huge logs.

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption" TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned EB: aaaaaarrrgh!

Oh my fucking god TG was still going on and on with his reality-shattering godraps. That is amazing.

He is creating the perfect pop culture amalgam in there, too! I said it before but TG, you are a treasure.

TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention

I’m having an astral journey reading this.

TG, what in the actual fuck are you talking about??

You are the god of rambling I swear

EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass! EB: i have something important to talk about. TG: whats up EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy! TG: ok

Horse’s ass is a good insult.

Yeah I guess TG now has to bail her out after the car fuckup

EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down. EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her! TG: my copy? TG: thats going to be tough

Oh no what will the shenanigans be this time.

EB: why? TG: i lost it TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it TG: shit be embarrassing yo

Oh fucking hell.

Why are all the copies of this game getting lost so easily??? Take care of your videogames!!

What did you do to lose it, now I’m scared of whatever bullshit sequence of events transpired

EB: i thought you said you had two? TG: well yeah TG: one is my brothers copy EB: ok, well get his then! TG: alright TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that

Is this going to be like a Dad situation where there is an interactive boss? That was really great so I hope it is!

EB: whatever. EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this. TG: oh man EB: what? TG: nothing really TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know? EB: /ROLLS EYES

Embrace the purple prose TG! Let it envelop you in its glorious overwritten radiance!

Ooh we’re back with the purple lady herself!

She needs to find an alternative energy source asap, to help John and be able to stay communicated, before she burns to death!

Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

Yup, figured it would end up being relevant.

Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.

...really?

Time managment is not really your strong point it seems.

Oh you already had one made!!

The heart octopus is just the best.

I remember her inventory system to be an unholy nightmare.

That would be such a waste of time! Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP. You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.

Cozy laptop is cozy!

Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.

Ooh.

That could either result in getting arcane eldritch powers that man was not meant to know... or just a book to bludgeon people to death with.

Both seem worth it.

NOPE

I change my mind this just screams death.

That would be incredibly ill-advised! There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most. You put the book down.

I like the fact that Rose has an object with such dark and terrible powers even the inventory system  and the narrator are advising us to put it as far away as possible from anything resembling a weapon slot.

Was I correct in the eldritch powers thing??

Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!

Oh hello again you terrible, terrible captchalogue system.

You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS. The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.

Imagine having one of this in a real videogame.

Seems the kind of move Yoko Taro would do.

................That rithym minigame

Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.

Eesh, that seems like a very nasty weapon by necessity.

You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.

Damn, Rose could be fucking deadly with those.

Say goodbye to all the tender spots of flesh in your body.

John has it lucky with his captchalogue thing.

You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree. Hey, careful with all that stuff!

Yeah let’s not break the laptop. Or the Necronomicon, Or both.

Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.

Greatest idea so far.

...it’s the actual necronomicon isn’t it.

That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!! Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with. Such as...

Or this universe’s version of it at least.

Rose: Consult the grimoire.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S FLUTHLU!! WITH A BUNCH OF HORRIFYING BEASTS AROUND IT.

IN THE IMAGINARY CITY STREETS

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU GOT STABBED BY A VERY CHARISMATIC DETECTIVE AND BEHEADED BY A WINDOW PORTAL.

IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE REFERENCE.

FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end

:D

Oh god, we get to see even greater elder gods now!!

Nrub’yiglith.... is that a reference to Shrub-Niggurath? Seems the most likely one to me.

And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.

WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD!!

These descriptions are fucking amazing.

Oglogoth....Ok, this is definitely Azathoth, the daemon sultan.

Nice!

And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span.

These fucking descriptions.... Holy shit give me 500 of these.

He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

What the fuck???

So in the homestuck universe, Azathoth is just a scrub! There are a whole three tiers above him in power!

The noble circle of horrorterrors, cloaked in the darkness of the furthest ring...

Someone should make a story with all this lore, or use it in a DnD campaign. Some of this is legitimately really good.

OH MY GOD

THE WINDOW PORTALS. THEY ARE OUTLINED HERE AS WELL.

And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.

.....of course they are the summoning rituals!!

They lead to the imaginary city and if you cut their power while you are outside an eldritch being appears!!

Flutulhu was summoned after a city-wide blackout, so I wonder what would be needed for oglogoth... I was going to say a planet-wide blackout, but the imaginary city is.....all that exists over there, alongside the four realms and the cathedral/brothel/sun and moon/GPI, and all the other cosmology.

Maybe if you were outside a window during the last supermassive black hole?? That is probably the most pitch black you could ever get while in the imaginary world....

[tigerlilynoh]

Almost Got ‘em

Written for the 2019 @spnsummergen. Rating: G Featuring: Original characters, and a couple familiar faces Word Count: 3,143 Warnings: foul language Author's Notes: The prompt was “Early season - demons in hell plotting to take the Winchesters down.” I was immediately inspired by the Batman: The Animated Series episode “Almost Got ‘im.”   Summary: Deep in the depths of Hell, a group of demons discuss the two latest pains in their collective ass: Sam and Dean Winchester. Rumor is that the brothers had found the Colt and even killed a demon. Of course, rumors are just big talk— yet a pair of demons patiently listen; their plan is already in action.

Two figures made their way through the halls of the third lowest dungeon in Hell.  As they walked the jagged stone walls seemed to close in around them, but their petite, female forms prevented the blade-like rock from tearing at their temporary flesh.  Even if they were injured it would be of no importance; they were demons and there was a meeting that they very much wanted to attend.

Both were wearing lean, blonde women who might’ve been mistaken for sisters, but that was the limit of their outward similarity.  The slightly older of them wore a gauzy, white dress that, when combined with her delicate steps, gave her the air of a drifting spirit.  Her partner was another story.  The younger demon’s black combat boots thudded with every step, announcing her presence.  Her attire was entirely leather—the cow sort, not human—dyed dark enough to hide spilled blood.

Neither of them said a word as they approached the auxiliary dungeon rumored to be containing an unusual sort of rendezvous.  The pair didn’t have anything more to discuss for the moment.  They both knew their immediate goals, responsibilities, and when push came to shove, which of them was in charge.  They damn well better have known.  Between the two of them, they’d spent over a decade putting their respective pieces in order and double-checking their work.

When they reached the unmarked door that they’d heard whispers about, the demon in the white dress pushed it open without hesitation.  She stepped through the door with an unassuming demeanor.  Her colleague followed her, studying the contents of the chamber with a wary eye.

Inside there were eight lesser demons standing or sitting around a storage room.  Three racks had been laid out flat, then pushed together to create an improvised conference table.  Five of the occupants were perched on crates of acid, steel nails, and other implements of pain.  The remaining three leaned against the far wall, cautiously keeping some distance.

A brutish-looking man with pasty skin, a pronounced brow, and stringy black hair glared at the newcomers from the opposite side of the table.  He stared with the intensity of someone who had taken charge—he certainly didn’t hold any noteworthy rank as evidenced by his badly calloused hands that hinted at many decades or centuries of wielding a whip, the shoddy ones meant for working souls.  

In a low growl he asked the two women, “What do you want?”

“We heard that this is the place to be if you truly hate the Winchesters,” answered the elder one.

He stared at them for a moment before replying, “Get inside and shut the fucking door.”

The pair entered, closing the door behind them.  From the way that everyone turned their attention to a stout demon sitting on a box labeled ‘spiders’ they assumed that it was his turn to speak.  The two women settled themselves on a non-technically-iron maiden that was lying along one of the walls as if it were a bench.

The stout demon resumed addressing his audience.  “So then I tore the cow apart—six chunks, big ones but still enough to spread around, and some smaller hunks.  You don’t want to waste it by piling the whole cow in one corner of the room.  You might as well not bother cutting the damn thing up—Anyway, I hung pieces of it throughout the house.”  The sound of scuttling inside the box he was sitting on filled the room as he fumed for a moment in anger.  “It’s a classic omen!  It’s a horror!  And the older of the brothers makes a joke about hamburgers!”

“So disrespectful,” muttered a female demon with hollow eyes and frayed white hair.  Several demons nodded in agreement with her comment.

“That kind of work takes time,” complained the portly demon.  “I’m not a high-caste demon.  I can’t just wave my hand and make things move.  Do you have any idea how long it takes to cut up a cow?  And the first cleaver broke and I had to find a store—”

“Was it a vegetable cleaver?” asked the lean demon with a mangled left arm and long, frizzy brown hair sitting next to him.  When he looked up at her face in confusion, she rested her hand on his thigh, then said in a soft voice, “Milmont, sweetie, two kinds of cleavers.  Vegetable ones aren’t made for bone.”

“I don’t fucking believe this,” muttered a red-haired demon.  He was dressed like Billy Idol but his rosy cheeks undercut the attempt at an edgy look.  “Did you fight them or not?”

“I fought them!” Milmont replied indignantly.  “I had a knife—”

“Paring or bread?”

“—and I swung at the older one’s neck.”

One of the demons standing in the shadows noted aloud, “Swung means a miss.  You got your ass kicked.”

The stoat demon flustered a bit before reluctantly explaining, “He shot me in the chest with rock salt and hit me in the face with his gun—” 

“You fell on your ass,” guessed the red-headed demon.

“The younger brother can perform an exorcism really fast,” Milmont said while shifting, jostling the box of spiders.

“You shouldn’t have gone after them,” said the brutish leader of the group.  “You’re too weak.”

The stout demon glared as he hissed, “I have every right to go after the prey I choose.  I’m allowed to prove myself!”  He waved his hand at the rest of the room as he asked, “How many of you have been exorcised by them?  If you’re here bitching about the Winchesters on your weekly one-hour break, yeah, I’m guessing they made you look like an idiot too.”

Several of the demons nodded in acknowledgement of the point or murmured agreement.  The leader let out a small grumble as he reached into an open crate next to him.  He pulled out an unlabeled bottle containing reddish-tawny liquid, then yanked the black cork from it with his teeth.  After taking a swig, he handed it to Milmont.

“Corceo.”  The stout demon toasted him before having a sip.  

“You’re lucky that you were only exorcised,” the hollow-eyed woman told him while reaching out, wordlessly asking for a drink.  Milmont passed it to her and she took a sip before continuing.  “Rumor has it they possess the Colt.”

“Dajhila, they don’t have the Colt,” replied the demon with the bad arm.  “I brawled with them ten days ago and they didn’t shoot me.”

“Maybe you aren’t worth the bullets?” jabbed the rosy-cheeked punk.

With her good hand, she picked a knife up off the ground and stabbed it into the wooden table in front of her, inviting him to fight.

Corceo, the leader, hit the table, drawing everyone’s attention.  “Tisha, don’t carve Frey a new asshole.  He has plenty already,” he joked, earning a chuckle from one of the demons watching from the wall.  “The fact is that they had the gun.  They killed Tom.”

“Tom was an idiot,” huffed Frey.  “The only reason he wasn’t wading through viscera like the rest of us was because he was Azazel’s son.”

“Apparently he was attacking Sam, and Dean shot him,” Dajhila explained.  “There were witnesses.”

Frey shrugged indifferently at Tom’s death.  “Silver-spooned nepotist should’ve been the one to get his ass beat before he got shot.”

“I’m fine with the younger Winchester getting that bludgeoning,” interjected Tisha.  She snarled, “You know that little shit is a psychic?  I was so close to killing them.  It took me three weeks to lure them to this abandoned insane asylum.  I’d murdered twenty people in there—six hunters came before the brothers finally took the bait.  That’s the shit I had to deal with in order to roll out the red carpet for those thick-brained, underwear-model-looking—“

“They aren’t that good looking,” said Milmont.

“They are,” countered Corceo.  “Now let her finish or I’ll tear your fucking tongue out.”

Dajhila with the hollow eyes quietly said, “We should’ve kept the talking stick.”

Frey held up the pointy, splintered remains of a blood-stained wooden dowel that had evidently been used to stab someone.  The woman shrugged, conceding that it had worked better in theory than in practice.  The red-haired demon tossed it aside, grabbed the bottle of alcohol from where it had settled on the table, then gestured to their current storyteller.

Tisha waited a beat to see if anyone would interrupt her before continuing.  “I swear on my life, that Sam kid really is a psychic.  They knew it was a trap.  I’m sitting there with a semi-automatic rifle—I’m not fucking around—and all of a sudden the sprinklers are raining holy water.”  Her lips curled downward at the memory as she snarled, “Sam used a megaphone from the parking lot to exorcise me.  I only got to see their faces as my cloud was getting dragged back down.”

“Jesus,” exhaled Frey.  “A megaphone… and you had a rifle.”

“What weapon did you go after them with?” asked Tisha.

He thought for a moment before finally admitting, “A big rock.”  Everyone stared at him for a moment, then burst into laughter, so he added, “Sometimes simple is best.  We’re stronger than them and there was a big rock right there that I could throw—  It was a tactical decision.”

“With genius thinking like that, it’s no wonder we can’t catch a break against them,” said Corceo.

Dajhila commented, “The only good news is that the dad, John, he died two months ago.”

“John Winchester, hunter savante—  That piece of shit finally dropped?”  Milmont looked around, eyes wide with excitement.  “What did ‘im in?”

“I do not know.”  The hollow-eyed woman crossed her bony arms.  “Margot, down in processing, says his file is classified, but it is there.”

Frey leaned forward with interest.  “File—  We got him?  Fucker isn’t playing a harp?”

“In the pit as we speak,” she replied smuggly.  “Rumor is that Alastair’s working him personally.”

“Alastair?” asked Corceo.  “They’re breaking out the Grand Torturer himself for a Winchester?”

Tisha nodded slowly to herself as she put together a few pieces.  “Well, he is classified.”

The two women silently observing from their place on the iron maiden exchanged a knowing glance.  The one in leather subtly placed her hand on a bulge by her belt that was obscured by her jacket, but the woman in the white dress discreetly shook her head and gestured for her to wait.  At the order, the younger demon gave a quick roll of her eyes before relaxing her posture.  By the time they’d turned their attention back to the meeting, the conversation had switched back to discussing different methods of pursuing the still-living brothers.

“Dean is a hedonist,” commented Dajhila.  “Take a meatsuit with a figure as an hourglass and lay yourself in his path.”

Tisha raised an eyebrow.  “You really think he’s going to fall for something like that?”

“He’s young and proud.”

Tisha countered, “He’s a paranoid with low self-esteem—“

“Here we go,” muttered Milmont.

“—You all think they’re heroes out of a fucking Greek epic, but they’re just men—feeble, petty little things—“

“Little,” Frey scoffed.  “Have you even seen them?”

Tisha slammed her fist on the table.  “They are mortal children, too absorbed by their grief and self-pity—Yes, they are little, but that makes them paranoid, partially-psychic, sneaky cunts who use megaphones.”  She paused a moment to look around the table at the others, then said, “And maybe they don’t have it now or maybe I wasn’t worth the bullets, but they know about the Colt.  They know how to kill us—  Kill, not exorcise.”

After a brief, pensive silence, Milmont asked, “When was the last time you heard of one of us getting killed?  Cain going nuts and turning traitor?  That was almost 150 years ago—Earth time.”

Corceo nodded.  “Half the crew in my dungeon wasn’t even turned back then.  The sniveling pups thought we were immortal until they heard the news:  the fucking Winchesters killed Tom.”

There was a grumble of shared frustration at the indignity.  Humans had managed to kill demons, for the first time in over a century—and the bastards hadn’t even had the decency to stick around long enough to be killed in return.

“We have to stop them,” said Milmont quietly.  

Frey scoffed.  “Have you been listening or are ya’ as dense as iron?”

“Oh, choke on a ball of blades,” Tisha hissed.

The red-haired demon waved his arms, sarcastically miming fear.

“Save it.  The enemy is up there.”  Corceo waited to see if anyone would interrupt, then continued.  “I’m tired of all this theatrical, solo bullshit.  We murder them in their sleep.  If they salt the door, we use guns.  If they ward the building, burn it down.  Fucking drive an oil tanker truck into them—this is war.  So how do we find them?”

Milmont replied, “Since their dad died, my denmate, Bahshin, spotted them a few times with another hunter:  male, middle-aged, reddish-brown greying hair and beard, baseball cap, one of those grizzled sorts.”

Tisha nodded.  “I know the one.  His name is Bobby—don’t know the last name.  I’ve run into him and his partner a few times.  He sticks to the north central U.S.  Rural looking, lots of plaid.  He had an old truck.”

“Fucking hick hunters,” muttered Frey.

The woman in leather sitting along the wall wordlessly withdrew a small notebook and pen from her pocket, then wrote down, “Margot:  soul processing department grunt,” and “Bahshin:  den-dweller, has an Earth pass.”  

Corceo eyed the two silent newcomers from his place at the table.  “Taking notes?  Dainty little things like you gonna go gunning for the big bad Winchesters?”  He laughed.  “Well get in fucking line.  You come here, don’t say shit, and crib off our hard work—  How close have you come to offing them?  What makes you so cocky you’re gonna be the ones to kill the bastards?”

The woman with the notepad gestured to her partner, inviting her to address the challenge.  The demon in white stood up and smiled, unconcerned by the hostile attitude of the others in the room.

“We haven’t tried to kill them,” she replied.  “And we have a plan, the likes of which history has never seen.”

“Ready to shared with the class?” Frey asked.  “What brilliant plan are you two peons gonna try?”

“We’re gonna give them what they really want.”

Corceo’s eyes passed over the two women.  “A pair of eager-to-please blondes in suggestive clothes?”

The woman in the white dress corrected him.  “The only one we’re eager to please is our lord, Lucifer.”

A few of the demons chuckled at the absurd statement.  Lucifer was a fairytale, as much as God and angels were to the humans.  

“I’ll bite.”  Corceo’s mouth curled into an amused grin, punctuated by the occasional barbed fangs.  “What are you gonna give them?”

“We’re gonna make them heroes.”

The demons around the table laughed outright at the reply.

“You’re going to make them heroes?  Those hunter bastards know about the Colt.  They killed Tom.  They’ve been exorcising us.”  He placed his hands on the table and stood up, ready to confront them.  “The Winchesters aren’t scared of us—not the way they should be.  We’re demons.  That still means something.  So I don’t know what crazy scheme you’re thinking up, but it isn’t happening.  They don’t get to be heroes.  They die.”

“They’ll die when we—” She gestured to her partner “—say they die.”

“Looks like we have something of a race on our hands.”  Cerceo walked up to her and stood so that they were only a few inches apart.  A head taller than her, he glared down at her before hissing, “You think you can beat me to them?”

Her eyes turned white, causing his jaw to drop.  “Child you’re busy boasting and we’re on step fifteen.”  Lilith waved her right hand, locking the door to the room.  In a quick backhanding gesture, she threw Corceo against the far wall, then turned to look at her companion.  “Ruby.”

Ruby stood up and smiled as she drew her knife from the holster on her belt.  She systematically worked her way through the room, killing the others while her partner held them in place with telekinesis.  Afterward, she placed the bodies on the table, then rested her palms on the topmost corpse.  A few lines of Aramaic later, blue flame engulfed the bodies, destroying the evidence.

While watching the fire, Lilith asked, “Is Meg ready?”

“She’s still running recon on the other children.  In terms of pressure points so far:  four have lovers, eight of them are close to a parent, and we have a few like Sam where the sibling could be an incentive.  As of yesterday, she was watching the stoner with imprinting telepathy to figure out his achilles’ heel.”  Ruby wiped her bloody blade on the sleeve of her jacket to clean it while asking, “Did you take care of Crowley?”

“I encouraged several of his aides to let a few deals lapse.  Numbers are down.  He’s dying to get a big deal.”  Lilith looked at her.  “The second Dean Winchester’s soul comes across his desk, he’ll sign off on the contract just to get his name on something.  The grubby-fingered broker didn’t check the fine print on John; why should the son be any different?  I’ll hold Dean’s contract and the moment he bites it, he’ll get expedited delivery to Alastair’s dungeon.  No official processing.  No gossip—”  She gestured to the smoldering remains of the demon who had accidentally outed Margot as a leak in the processing department.  “—No mistakes this time.”

Ruby huffed an unamused laugh.  “The two of us sure as hell won’t have time to clean up any messes once this show gets rolling.  Round one we could afford to have things go a little sideways.  Once we pop up on Sam’s radar, that’s it.  We’re in, and I’m not coming back downstairs on a fucking milk run.”

“It will all turn out,” Lilith assured her.  “Our lord wills his return.  He cannot be denied.”

Ruby didn’t reply to the pious statement.  Instead she studied the charred racks in front of them.  “I know he’s your mentor and we couldn’t have done this without him, but Azazel can’t survive this.  You know that, right?”

Lilith nodded.  “When he finishes aligning his pawns, he’ll throw the fight.  He knows how important it is that Sam’s anger be directed solely at me.  That means clearing the field for the next generation of nemeses.”

“Don’t worry,” Ruby placed her hand on her partner’s shoulder.  “When I’m done with him, Sam will be foaming at the mouth to kill you.”

“I envy you,” Lilith sighed.  “You’ll live to see our lord.  It’s going to be beautiful.”

--------------

If you enjoyed this story, check out my Sam/Ruby Fic Masterlist or my Full Fic Masterlist.

[odogaronfang]

okay here it is!!! the long-awaited (not really) masterpost of hc’s about the background characters!!!

@105ttt and i have been working on this stuff for a couple weeks now and i’ve finally got around to making it into something shareable!! and i’m excited because now this means i get to use them in fics without people being completely lost!!!!

anyway this post is long so i’m gonna put it under a readmore-

Leonel

-link’s father

-captain of the guard & keeper of the wind key

-close friends with artura and valensuela since childhood

-because of the circumstances, he’s very well-read on the various legends/stories of the past heroes

-is a stand-in father for zelda sometimes because of how close she and his son(s) are

-constantly worried about his kids (sometimes because of the trouble they’ve been in, sometimes because of the trouble they cause)

-definitely the ‘cool manager’ type of captain- does what he needs to in order to run an efficient guard, but he’s also good friends with all of them

-there are days where he wants to take his kids out to town for a family day and there are days where he wants to throw them all out a window

Artura

-the captain’s top knight

-friends with leonel since childhood; they weren’t in the same battalion until they became full knights but leonel would cut sessions to go train with his group

-specialized in heavy armored combat, proficient in several kinds of weaponry but mostly uses bludgeoning weapons

-the backup dad for vio when leonel is busy because hylia knows vio needs constant supervision

-the embodiment of the gentle giant trope- does a lot of favors for people and the castle town kids ADORE him

-always busy + always tired. give artura his vacation days please

-he has a special room in the castle he goes to when he needs alone time and doesn’t want to be bothered. vio is allowed in but only grudgingly and only if he’s maintained at least one (1) week of decent behavior

-works a lot with younger trainees (mostly around link’s age); has a lot of instructional tasks on top of his regular patrol duties

-he doesn’t take off his armor in public a lot, so most people haven’t seen him out of it. there’s a joke among the younger groups that artura isn’t actually a person but rather a darknut or one of the phantom knights animated by the royal family’s magic. (actually it’s just because he’s secretly a twink and he doesn’t want people knowing that Mr. Top Knight/Mr. Living Darknut couldn’t hit 160lbs if he was soaking wet.)

Valensuela

-keeper of the water key

-close friends with leonel since childhood; was in the same trainee battalion as him

-trained for armored combat but dislikes wearing heavy plate- if he wears a lot of armor, it’s usually maille

-can dual-wield, but usually opts for one larger sword instead of two smaller ones

-basically adopts green after the pyramid incident. just steals him from leonel. green is his son now. green accidentally calls valensuela ‘dad’ once and leonel’s parentship of green ends right there.

-appears very dignified and serious but actually has a flair for the theatrical. most people are not aware of this but his friends know.

-leonel’s second-in-command, but he’s far more task-oriented and doesn’t deal with people as well as leonel does. he can come across as a little brusque with people he isn’t familiar with so he tries not to take that role if he doesn’t have to.

-not a personality headcanon but he has a scar on his forehead from when green shattered his helmet in the pyramid. and after he’s overcome the trauma that came with that whole ordeal, he definitely brags about it. someone asks what happened to him for him to have a scar like that and he’s like “oh my son did that isn’t he talented?”

Lucien

-keeper of the fire key

-so chill. extremely laid-back guy. the kind of guy you go to hang out with when you want to do something social but you don’t want to leave your house (or even your couch).

-kinda lazy when it comes to little mundane tasks, which he caught a lot of flak for while he was still in training, but wholeheartedly dedicated to his job when it comes down to it.

-basically adopts red. they’re like best buds. red makes lucien carry him around on his shoulders so he doesn’t have to walk but lucien doesn’t mind.

-absolutely the kind of person to disappear for an entire day and when you find him again and ask him where he went he says he was in the living room the whole time

-very good at cooking, but only the really time-consuming, complicated recipes, which goes directly against his low-effort nature. he rarely cooks, but everyone looks forward to the days that he does.

-also the kind of person to “work out” by doing one push up every five minutes. the second he hears someone approaching he’ll stay in mid-push-up position and when they walk in he’ll say “one thousand”. (he only actually made it to nine.)

-if he isn’t in armor he’s in sweats. “dress more professionally” the captain says to him one day. he shows up to breakfast the next morning wearing sweats again, but this time he also has a tie on.

-the tallest of the group, which artura makes fun of (it’s all in good fun. he just makes fun of artura for being so small.)

Wes

-keeper of the earth key

-the high-energy go-getter of the group. his energy alone balances out the chronically low-key natures of artura and lucien. basically an eternal child at heart.

-ALWAYS ready to throw down. it isn’t even that he has anger issues, he just needs a way to get rid of his restless energy while also triumphing in his various conflicts, and to him, fighting (within the controlled setting of a spar) is the easiest way to do that.

-one of those people that has to be physically restrained from doing dumb things. “hey i bet i could land in the hot spring if i jumped from the third story balcony” “wes you will break all of the bones in your lower body” “and??”

-also the guy in the group that’s constantly making bets and daring people to do things. he violates the sanctity of the triple dog dare by using it literally every time. he is also eerily good at predicting the correct outcome of bets.

-learns little things like sleight-of-hand tricks just to fudge them at the end; he’ll keep a group of little kids enamored with the “magic” before asking if they want to see the finale where he makes the cards disappear. the kids say yes and he just hurls the entire deck into a nearby bush. “there,” he says with pride as he walks away, “they’re gone.” (he would never actually upset the kids. if they look too disappointed he’ll sigh and go get the cards and do an actual disappearing trick just to make them better.)

-definitely takes blue under his wing. they spar like every morning. the other links might try to go on kitchen raids without their parents’/mentors’ knowing but blue goes WITH wes to go steal the best-looking cookies fresh off the baking sheet. arcy always gives wes grief for enabling that behavior but wes knows she won’t actually do anything about it

Selenas

-another of the captain’s high-ranking knights

-the exasperated lawful good of the group. he tries so hard to get the rest of them to follow the rules but it never works. he knows there’s no point to the efforts anymore but he still tries.

-the constant sigh-er of the group. you’d think he had respiratory issues if you didn’t know him.

-is tasked with helping to keep shadow in line because of his lawful good status. he’s the strict parent who insists upon balanced meals with a lot of vegetables and who believes in a strict 8pm bedtime. he will not hesitate to confiscate shadow’s laptop if he’s misbehaving. shadow despises him but he’s doing all of hyrule a great favor.

-doesn’t safeguard a royal jewel so he’s kind of an outlier but it’s fine, everything’s fine, he doesn’t need a jewel to prove that he’s a good knight and no, he isn’t envious, no not even a tiny bit, why would anyone ask that,

-prefers long-reach weapons like pikes and halberds over swords/daggers

[all of the above-mentioned knights are collectively referred to as the cape squad by the links]

Arcy

-one of the castle chefs

-an ex-knight; had barely made it into full knighthood before receiving a career-ending injury

-decided to continue work at the castle as a chef so she could still be around friends + to provide for her daughter

-was in the same trainee battalion as artura for armored combat, so they’re old friends

-her daughter is adopted; keina is the biological daughter of a late friend of arcy’s who died from birth complications

-is actually still technically in reserve for the guard; in a state of emergency she’s tasked with aiding evacuation efforts

-she’s the most popular chef among the knights because she takes requests. there’s a weekly competition among battalions and the winning one gets to choose the weekend meals that she makes. it’s a good motivator, especially for the ones in training, and it also gets her friends in high places (:

Keina

(see above images)

-arcy’s adopted daughter

-she’s very sickly; she’s never gone beyond the gates of castle town and barely even leaves the castle grounds. the only time she’s been beyond castle town was when she fled the castle with arcy, and she was in extremely poor health the entire time.

-she’s friends with the links + erune; they’ll often visit her and bring her things from other towns (or in erune’s case, her hometown) so she can still experience new things

-has a lot of pen pals all over hyrule since she can’t leave her home to go see people- she gets like two dozen letters a week and it helps keep her busy

-very knowledgeable on a lot of different subjects! because she’s often home- and sometimes even bed-bound, she spends a lot of time reading and writing and will sometimes illustrate as well. she’d like to be some kind of professional scholar so she can still contribute even when her health prevents her from travel.

[oh-law-d-he-comin]

DECK Prompts, Day 6

((CW: Blood, non-explicit gore))

  “...Stabbing, strangulation, bludgeoning, crushing…”

  How should he explain it? Law’s been chasing freedom his whole life, the kind that verges into chaos, madness, a breakdown of all that's logical and structured. And in a way, despair… is freeing. Calamity! Anarchy! Every man for himself! Death reigns in the streets, and a stable mind has no place, and even the emotions that used to define him can't cage him, and to the former SHSL Coroner it is a sight as beautiful as an ocean at sunrise, or the springtime cherry blossoms in full bloom.

  “...hacking, ignition, drowning, cleaving…”

  Suddenly in a fantastic mood for no reason, Law starts laughing, a carefree sound that echoes back and forth through the empty main street. At his feet rolls the severed head of some poor sap, which he kicks across the sidewalk as one might an empty soda can. Did you know? Soccer was originally played with the decapitated heads of criminals!

  “He shoots, the ball flies, he doesn't score! Alas, thus is the folly of a non-sportsman, better luck next time.” He's never been good at soccer, and his shot misses the garage it was aimed at by a mile, setting off the laughter again like a broken child’s toy. There's still plenty of corpses lying about, though, and he goes back to dancing around them, humming along to the guesses he makes as to how they croaked. Each puddle of red, every splash of color against a wall, every snail trail of darkened blood, like pieces to a neverending series of puzzles, and he does like puzzles, even if if they're a little too easy.

  “...suffocation, electrocution, explosion, implosion…”

  Up ahead, a silhouette. Two silhouettes? One's on the ground, typical of the human shapes he sees around here, but the other, the other one's upright. A person! Now social interaction, that's something he's been wanting for in this desolate city.

  As Law draws near, the shadows coalesce into a dead body, nothing new—oh, but the red strewn across it is still bright, still beautiful, his favorite color—and a young man staring down at it with disgust and fear painted on his face. What an expression! How fun! Law’s got to slap his cheeks to keep his smile from twisting into something monstrous and mocking, as he sneaks up behind the man and taps him on the shoulder.

  “...falling, impaling, poison, mangling…”

  “Hello! Hi! Nice to meet you!” he chirps brightly, laughing with an equally innocent tone when the man leaps back, hands held out in a defensive stance.

  “Wh- where did you come from?! Who are you?!” He's patting himself down as if in search of a weapon, but Law ignores the alarm in favor of examining the body.

  “My name's Law, Law K. Kiyuu, nice to meet you again and isn't it lonely around here? God, you're the first person I've met in a week, except for the stiffs, and they don't have much in the way of conversation! Speaking of which, hello Mr. Mortis, aren't you something…” He leans down and prods its arm with a questioning hum, letting go with a start when the entire hand falls off. “Oh, oh my, knife wounds ‘round the whole torso, stabs through the wrists, is that words carved into the forehead? I'm sorry to break it to you, still-alive guy, someone's really done a number on your buddy—it's really doubtful he'll recover from being dead!”

  “I, I just found it just now, I didn't do anything to it, I swear…” The man warily lowers his absence of weapon, shuffling a little back towards Law before he freezes. “Wait, how do you know- did you-?”

  Laughter meets uncertainty yet again, as Law crouches down and lifts the dead man’s head into his lap, brushing hair matted with blood away from the face. “No sir, I'm innocent, I swear- it's just back when civilization was a thing, I worked as a coroner. You know, the guy who shows up with the cops and tells you how the deceased, well, deceasified? Not anymore, of course, nobody's gonna pay a kid to identify the dead when they're outnumbering the living, but that's how!” He pauses, looking down at the head with something that could easily be mistaken for pity, or sorrow, or sympathy.

  “Look at that,” he whispers. “Gunshot right through the brain stem, that's what did ‘im in. Oh no, oh my, oh gosh, and here I thought it was the cuts, that's why they don't hire me anymore, oh jeez.”

  The man leans down, worry for that suddenly downtrodden look outweighing discomfort towards the boy naturally cradling a corpse’s face. “You're right, that's horrible… he might have lived if they hadn't done that…”

  “...blunt force, blood loss, gunshot, shock…”

  “I know, right? Why ruin a perfectly good ritual sacrifice?”

  All too late, the young man looks properly into Law’s eyes. Swirling in their depths is something no person in their right mind could have, the jet black whirlpool of despair reserved only for those who have fallen from the top of the world to the lowest rungs of humanity. All too late, he recognizes the boy’s expression for what it was: disappointment.

  “Vertical cuts! Strange markings written into flesh! Symbolic stabs!” Law yanks the head up, showing off innumerable gashes as the body falls apart around them. “More literary symbolism than an English teacher convention in the library of Alexandria,” he exclaims, jabbing a finger at each of the wounds. “A simply fantastic display, absolutely gorgeous, even if they were a little sloppy looking for the brachial, and what do they do? Chicken out at the last minute and put this poor sack of shit out of its misery, with a gun no less!” Wrath flickers across his face before losing out to a maniacal Cheshire Cat grin, freezing the young man in place with pure shock.

  “...infection, parasitism, asphyxiation, hypothermia…”

  “I- you- please-”

  “Don't worry.” The former coroner’s smile turns soft for a moment, reassuring, kind. The same unassuming look he introduced himself with. “Their crimes won't go unanswered for, just cuz there's no cops doesn't mean there's no retribution, no sir: I'll show them an example of a proper ritual sacrifice! You'll help me, right, mister? Really, don't worry, I can tell you don't smoke, exercise right, maybe it's a high stress environment but it's recent, you’re perfectly healthy and so is your heart!”

  Law laughs one more time, an unsettlingly pure sound, and jabs the man in the chest with his cane. “You'll make a lovely cadaver!”

  “...organ failure, overdose, homicide, suicide…”

  His handiwork is perfect, mounted on a stake overlooking the rest of the city. Of course it is: they didn't call him an Ultimate for nothing. Not to be a narcissist, obviously…

  ...but it's beautiful.

  “...despair.”

[buckykingofmemes]

Sweet-Talker

Or, How Bucky Won Over The Hammer Of Thor.

(Here on AO3) 

Thor enjoyed the pleasant fragrances of Midgardian soaps. The one in the common-floor bathroom was labelled “Lavender Daydream” and was tinted a mild purple. It had a gentle floral scent with a slightly acrid undertone, and Thor wondered absently if Midgard had an actual plant named lavender, or if it was like blue-flavored drinks, with no non-artificial analogue. With Midgard, there was no way to tell. Regardless, it was a pleasing scent, and Thor would enjoy the soothing scent and gentle moisturizing properties of the liquid. 

Midgard was such a fascinating world. 

Thor toweled his hands dry and stepped out of the bathroom, intending to head towards the kitchen. Bruce had left some curry in the fridge, and Thor wanted to test his mettle against his perennial foe, the spicy pepper. 

He took one imperious stride into the common room and tripped. He caught himself on lavender-scented palms, just shy of sprawling flat on his face on the carpet. 

Sitting innocently in the middle of the hallway was Mjolnir. 

Strange. He was sure he’d left his hammer on the sofa. 

kingofmemes posted:

common room rules state that anything unlabeled is fair for anyone to use. shoulda put a sticky note on your mythological weapon of unimaginable power before you left it on my seat buddy

Posted at 3:23 pm, 4729 notes

(Read More below)

Steve had said the steaks needed tenderizing before they could be grilled. Thor was unsure of what beast the steaks had come from, but they looked a bit like bilgesnipe flanks, which required the fists of a strong cook for an hour before they were tender enough to cut. 

Intending to reduce the time spent on the task, Thor raised his hand and summoned his weapon from where he’d left it in the gym. He could hear it whizzing down the hallway, and continued to examine the meat without turning to watch it arrive. Midgardians were so fragile; perhaps their cattle was alike? Might the hammer be too much force? Well, he had a couple dozen steaks to work with; if the first one proved too frail, he would simply try--

The hammer came to a perfect stop against his palm, and Thor found himself abruptly within a sparkling pink cloud. 

His first thought was magic, but there was none of the electricity-on-skin feel of true enchantment. No, this was the strange substance called glitter, which Clint had bafflingly described as “the herpes of art.” It rained in a shimmering mist from his hammer, and there was a gleaming trail down the hallway along Mjolnir’s flight path. Thor could feel it settling on his skin and clothes, and blinked to clear it from his eyelashes. His hammer remained coated in a thin sheen of pink powder. 

Who--

Why--? 

This was going to take forever to get off, he could just tell. 

kingofmemes posted:

i’ll teach you to leave your crap in the middle of the gym floor where anyone can trip on it. i may have a broken toe, but you will know true pain, my friend.  revenge is a dish best served pink.

Posted at 4:56 pm, 28402 notes

Mjolnir, weapon of the gods, smith of thunder, was covered in yarn. 

Fuzzy, red yarn, with a slightly furry aura of loose fiber and a pompom attached at the handle. The knitted hammer cozy fit snugly around the ancient metal, and on the side opposite Odin’s inscription, picked out in silver embroidery thread, was the title “World’s Best Bludgeon.”

Thor had no idea what to make of it. 

Cautiously, he reached out and took his weapon. The yarn around the grip made the handle comfortably plush. What the cozy lost in intimidation it clearly made up in user-friendliness. Thor had heard tell of the Stark Tower Stitch&Bitch and their adventures into fibercraft, much like his own noble mother practiced. Which nonetheless did not explain how a tiny hammer sweater had gotten onto Mjolnir in the first place.

Perhaps Darcy would know. Darcy had many explanations for the mysteries of Midgard, though deciphering her explanations was a craft all its own. Nonetheless, Thor was determined to discover who had made the hammer cozy.

Mjolnir was not supposed to be cute. 

kingofmemes posted:

i am the ultimate combination of cute and murderous. things get cuter and more lethal just by being in my presence. check out how fluffy my sweater is, i knit it myself. im gonna adorable somebody to death

Posted at 7:46 pm, 27493 notes

Mjolnir was sitting on the coffee table, precisely where he’d left it. 

Or...almost precisely where he’d left it. Thor was pretty sure he had not set his hammer atop a copy of A Cheap Trick & A Cheesy One Liner: The Unofficial Biography of Tony Stank, as Experienced by James Rhodes. In fact, Thor was quite sure that the coffee table had been bare when he set down his hammer. 

Thor summoned his hammer, and it leaped to his hand with a lingering trail of pink glitter. He retrieved the book and opened it. Inside was a crushed circlet of dandelions and daisies. The pages were stained yellow, including a black-and-white photo of a young James Rhodes and Tony Stark on spring break, bedecked in flower leis and beer hats. Beer hats--Thor marveled again at the ingenuity of mortals. 

It must be the Vision, for he alone of the Avengers had proved worthy of the hammer. But for what purpose had Mjolnir been moved? 

The lady Jane had placed the Asgardian twilight bloom which Thor had brought her into a book thus, when the flower had begun to wilt. She claimed it was a method of preservation, to keep it from rotting, so she might have it as a token for years to come. Perhaps someone was preserving the circlet in the same manner? 

If that were the case, Thor would not hinder the creation of such a keepsake. He returned the flowers to the book and placed it back upon the table, then settled the hammer where it had been before.

Now. Where would Tony Stark be? Thor desired ownership of a beer hat. 

kingofmemes posted:

turns out the heart of a star is plenty dense to use for flower pressing. much better than a stack of encyclopedias. 

Posted at 11:27 am, 86953 notes

Mjolnir was not where Thor had left it--again. It was becoming a worrying trend, but Thor was not overly concerned, for anyone who could steal his hammer must be worthy of its use. Though he did wonder at why the Vision kept moving it. Perhaps if he went to investigate, he might catch the android making use of it, and thereby determine his intent. 

Thor set off down the corridor towards the Avenger’s private quarters, making use of millennia of stealth training. His tread may not be so light as Loki’s, but it served his purpose well. 

When he was yet five doors away from the Vision’s, Thor heard a quiet muttering coming from Barnes’s open door. Curious, Thor stepped into the gap.

Barnes had his steel hand wrapped around Mjolnir’s handle where it rested on his side table, and was murmuring...endearments?

“Listen, lovely lady, I just gotta sink a couple nails for this painting Stevie made. I know it’s beneath you, starstuff dame like you are, but Tony’s got all the regular hammers stashed down in his workshop for some reason, and every time I go down there Dum-E wants to arm wrestle, so if you wouldn’t mind...?”

The hammer lifted in his steel grip, as light as a feather.

Thor knocked the door off its hinges as he burst into the room. Barnes startled and whirled, drawing the weapon back, and accidentally sunk it eight inches into the drywall on his backswing.

“Shield brother!” Thor bellowed, delighted, “I am delighted! Never had I thought to find another worthy of Mjolnir, and she is so fond of you!” Thor rushed forward to embrace Barnes, briefly forgetting in his excitement that Barnes did not welcome physical contact. Barnes, wild-eyed, yanked the hammer out of the wall and caught Thor across the jaw. 

Thor toppled like Darcy after Vodka Night with Natasha. 

Mjolnir hummed in Barnes’s grip. “Sorry, ma’m. But you gotta admit he had it coming.” 

Mjolnir hummed again. Thor had had it coming, but he could hardly be blamed for getting over-excited. Mjolnir was worth excitement. 

“Fine. He can have a hug when he wakes up. But slowly. And later he’s gotta teach me how to electrocute stuff.”

Thor was very apologetic when he woke, and gleefully accepted the offered embrace. And then he went to get the celebratory feast started. 

Mjolnir and Bucky sunk two nails in the wall and hung up Steve’s painting. The drywall repair would have to wait for another day.

kingofmemes posted:

a little sweet talk goes a long way, both with ladies and with sentient weapons of ladylike disposition.

not as far as a little spackle does, though.

Posted at 6:32 pm, 79402 notes

[amaloaf]

All of them

3 Fears3 things I love2 turns on2 turns offMy best friendSexual orientationHow tall am IWhat do I miss right nowFavourite colorDo I have a crush ^ already answered these

Favourite place

my room of the senior lounge in my school

What am I listening to right now

a davenchurch playlist (current song: Something I Need- One Republic) 

Shoe size

9-10 womens

Eye color

brown and gold

Hair color

ALSO brownish-gold

Meaning behind my URL

haha Fenton called me a walking paradox as a joke and it stuck!

Favourite song

literally dont have one but im currently loving “Waving Through a Window” from the dear evan hanson soundtrack

Favourite band

either panic! at the disco or fall out boy

How I feel right now

absolutely awful but you sending this completely boosted my mood!! 

Someone I love

oh sweet jesus, Fenton and Ellie and Pear and Cade and Vinny and Dylan and Sydney and Daffy and Simon and Nico and Jayme and Kiwi and Arily and this is going overboard but i cannot hold all my love in

My current relationship status

painfully single and desperately needing to get laid

My relationship with my parents

no

Favourite season

fall

Tattoos and piercing i have

none, unfortunately 

Tattoos and piercing i want

a septum piercing, 1mm gauges, a second piercing, an outer ear ring, sleeve tats of intertwining roses and dandelions, magnus’ railsplitter somewhere (im still deciding on where..) 

The reasons I joined Tumblr

all my middle school friends had it

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

not anymore

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

i kissed my dad before 

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

cosmetically? five minutes max

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

unfortunately i did yesterday  

Where am I right now?

at my desk, sitting on pile of laundry im neglecting 

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

i like it quiet

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

both, but unhappily 

Am I excited for anything?

death, also graduation i guess

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

my friends Cade and Dylan are good buddies 

How often do I wear a fake smile?

….. next question

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

the mcelroys, specifically travis 

What do I think about most?

not to be dark but death 

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

neither, but behind if i have to be

What was the last lie I told?

“no mom i totally bought this”

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i dont do either v much but i really like vids when i can get them

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes (i saw three ghosts in my life)

Do I believe in magic?

hell yeah

Do I believe in luck?

mostly

What’s the weather like right now?

clear night skies with a slight fall nip in the air

What was the last book I’ve read?

animal farm by george orwell 

Do I have any nicknames?

M.K., M, Loaf

Do I spend money or save it?

both? 

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope!

Favourite animal?

hgnnnnn cant choose, maybe sharks?

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping 

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Hips Dont Lie! 

What is my favorite word?

bludgeoning because im a nerd 

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

CUT THE CRAP AND LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE GOD DAMN IT

Do I have any relatives in jail?

i deadass dont talk to my family but im p sure one of my cousins was arrested last week 

What is my current desktop picture?

that picture of the sloth photoshopped on a dolphin with the P!NK lyrics

Had sex?

B)

Bought condoms?

no

Gotten pregnant?

oh god no

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no but my first kiss with a boy i got sprayed on at a waterpark 

Had job?

im a partime paralegal 

Smoked weed?

yep

Smoked cigarettes?

for a long ass time in middle school (if im bein real honest im going to pic it back up again probably)

Drank alcohol?

ya

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

definetly not

Been overweight?

currently am

Been underweight?

when i was born

Gotten my heart broken?

plenty of times

Been to prom?

yes

Been in airplane?

oh yeah, i love flying

Learned another language?

took spanish for 10+ years and dont know a damned word of it 

Wore make up?

ye

Dyed my hair?

no but i really want to 

Had a surgery?

yes! some work on my ear after i fucked it up as a baby

Met someone famous?

a band called After Romeo 

Stalked someone on a social network?

i tend to go through social media when i find new accounts i like but its never stalkerish 

Been fishing?

got the license and everything

Been rejected by a crush?

yea, ive only ever had one crush where it panned out 

What do I want for birthday?

a binder 

Do I like my handwriting?

no

Where do I want to live when older?

idk, im praying i dont end up back in vegas

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

got caught reading awful porn once does that count

What I’m really bad at

ohh im really holding back on saying “everything” but if i had to choose wind instruments 

What my greatest achievments are

my art, my relationships, my baby handling skills

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

ill give you the second worse: “ well at least being a fattass made you bouncy”

What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy a house, get a super crazy nice computer, give some money to the friends listed up earlier on the list and draw for all eternity 

What do I like about myself

my eyes and my good heart and my ability to fake good things

My closest Tumblr friend

oh definitely Fenton or @whyldkratts

Any question you’d like?

feel free to send in your own question! 

Are you outgoing or shy?

yes

What kind of people are you attracted to?

soft bellies, thick legs and hips, nice pecs, soft long hair, nice lips

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

idk maybe? i hope so, yall can feel free to make the first move ;3

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

no, i actually like it! 

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my buddy Cade

What does the most recent text that you sent say?

ok

What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Something I Need, Michel in the Bathroom, For Forever, Waving Through a Window, and Freeze Your Brain 

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

oh yes!! please play with my hair!!! ((and playing with OTHER peoples hair??? oh boy howdy dont even get me started!!!!))

Do you think there is life on other planets?

hell yes! 

Do you like bubble baths?

sure, no real pref either way

Do you like your neighbors?

NOPE

Where would you like to travel?

yes!

Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleep

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

*sweats* yes?? (probably my boobs and stomach, also my arms)

What do you do when you wake up?

stare at the ceiling and mentally prepare myself for the day

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker, it lost a lot of melinin when i hit puberty for some reason??

Do you ever want to get married?

yes! even if its just a platonic life partner marriage! 

If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep

Would you rather live without TV or music?

telivision my man

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yep! one time it went to shit the other time it went fairly ok

What are your favorite stores to shop in?

target and hot topic

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

normally yes but you gotta kno when to get the hell away from certain folks

Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

OH yeaaah

Ever wished you were someone else?

every god damned day

Favourite makeup brand?

cheap 

Last thing you ate?

mashed potatoes

Ever won a competition? For what?

won a college science fair in middle school once 

Ever been in love?

im always in love

Facebook or Twitter?

twitter always (pst mines @emiglody95

Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr 

Are you watching tv right now?

no

What colour are your towels?

beige and brown 

Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookie dough or coffee 

First person you talked to today?

my mother or Ellie i can remember 

Last person you talked to today?

Pear or my day, again i cant remember 

Name a person you hate?

Prestly, Kevin, Zoe, Mike

Name a person you love?

hmm ive already listed a lot of people already so lets go with: Wilson

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

remember Kevin from two asks ago? 

Do you tan a lot?

im outside a lot but my tan is mostly natural 

Have any pets?

my dog, Gus! 

Do you type fast?

yes actually!! 

Do you regret anything from your past?

im not lookin to type a paragraph so lets go with yes

Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah,, 

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

every day

Is cheating ever okay?

no, but if your partner got seriously fucked up and it was a total accident and you trust them then MAYBE you can reconsider not throwing their asses out

Do you believe in true love?

to an extent 

What your zodiac sign?

leo! 

Do you believe in ghosts?

id better ive seen three of ‘em

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“ Its fine”, she said primly as she turned back to the trays of jewelry. 

[andymull]

WWE SummerSlam 2018 - Preview & Predictions

Hi all, welcome back for what now will be the longest night of the summer, so many matches on the card and kick off show so lets get into it and get out quickly.

ALSO, Tumblr YET AGAIN is playing up and has been for me the last 2 hours trying to get this done, 8 times ive tried so its just the text sorry

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Roman Reigns: WWE Universal Championship Match

Please let this be the last match between the two, please, we’ve had enough. Just let Reigns beat him finally for the title and move on with the title being defended more on tv, and IF Lesnar agree’s to a new deal lets all hope he gets it put in the deal that he gets to have fresh challenges in the future.

So, Roman wins the match as well as the belt the crowd boo’s like mad, Braun appears and cashes in his MITB contract and walks out of the show as the new champion with the fans going wild. This quickly moves the title with the fans not caring as someone they like has the belt in the end, Roman finally conquers Brock and gets that monkey off of his back, and they traverse well from Reigns/Lesnar straight into Reigns/Strowman so that Brocks move back into the UFC isnt the big story. - REIGNS

AJ Styles (c) vs Samoa Joe: WWE Championship Match

This will be an awesome match, the friends here have great chemistry together in the ring from working in different companies against each other.

I really want Joe to take the title tonight but I dont think its time just yet, plus I think there could be ALOT of potential title changes on the show so they may hold off as there’s plenty of room to explore in this feud over the next month or two - STYLES

Alexa Bliss (c) vs Ronda Rousey: WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match

Im surprised they've been able to keep theirselves from getting the title on Ronda so long, they probably should have waited longer but this seems to be her coronation time. All eyes will be on her tonight, dont be surprised if there’s a late decision on match order for the show with this coming in as a late contender for the main event slot if there’s going to be a title change. Personally im not sure if this is the perfect timing for it or maybe they should have it be the main event at the Evolution PPV........I know spoilers are out there for that show already but Ronda winning the title there might be bigger overall in impact than their current plans.

With so many bouts on the show I see one or two turning into pretty quick squash matches, this is potentially one of them, they just have to be careful of destroying Bliss by doing so but then again she could do with time away from the title after the past few years of her on Raw and Smackdown with the belts - ROUSEY

Braun Strowman vs Kevin Owens: Winner By Any Means Takes The MITB Opportunity

I dont think there’s much of a chance here of an upset win for Owens, he got that last month in the cage match, and really this is just a stop gap feud for Braun before his cash in.

Sadly Owens isnt the guy in focus at the moment on Raw but does his job so well that he will get used alot to help others, hopefully he still remains a threat in managements minds and doesn't get looked at differently for being so useful - STROWMAN 

Dolph Ziggler (c) w/ Drew McIntyre vs Seth Rollins w/ Dean Ambrose: WWE Raw Intercontinental Championship Match

Dean’s new look wasn't that impressive for them to update the image for the match obviously lol

I think the title changes hands here and we move into these four guys interchanging in different matches, so Drew/Rollins and Dolph/Ambrose then tag matches - ROLLINS

Becky Lynch vs Carmella (c) vs Charlotte: WWE Smackdown Live Women’s Championship Match

Im kinda gutted that this was altered into a three way match with Charlotte being added, it felt the perfect setup for a one on one bout with Becky winning the title back finally. Now it has that weird feeling to it with her ‘best friend’ Charlotte around and them eventually fighting each other, hopefully the crowd stick with Lynch throughout and dont pick Charlotte to cheer and her to boo, hopefully.

Carmella’s reign has been worrying sadly, she’s ended up on commentary far too often lately when really she should have been added to some of the tag matches that have occurred. It really doesn't feel like they 100% trust her which is madness after they gave her the title, and its all on managements heads to be honest. When she won the MITB briefcase they should have had her in matches most weeks going 10 minutes or over with solid wrestlers to get her ready and improved for the eventual title reign, instead she got hardly any ring time to help develop herself and is now being found out at the time she needs the help the most.

Lynch should take the belt and have a good title run after not seeing the belt for a decent amount of time - LYNCH 

Daniel Bryan vs The Miz

Some great time and segments have gone into this feud over the years and hopefully the match lives upto it, not sure if this will be a feud that will continue for longer or it may be one that dies down after the finish only to be picked up again afew months down the road when one of these men get nearer to the world title scene.

I see Bryan winning here and maybe moving onto a feud with Nakamura or possibly Orton, him moving upto the world title scene wont occur yet, they haven't confirmed his new contract just yet so be prepared to wait till Mania time for them to pull the trigger big time to have him back at the top of the card - BRYAN

Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs Jeff Hardy: WWE Smackdown Live US Championship Match

Hopefully this match doeskin end again with Randy Orton interfering again and they just leave the two have a solid 15 minutes, they seem to have some good chemistry together and freshness - NAKAMURA 

Finn Balor vs CUNTstable Corbin

I hate that this match is taking up time on the show, nothing against Finn as I love the guy and have supported him for years, but this bout is only happening because of the companies stupid booking and making everything 50/50. Finn should have gone over strong in the first match and then won the second, then have Corbin use his position to have Balor go against bigger names. Instead we have to have them beating each other all the time so that nothing ever matters, if Corbin is in a management position then he doesn't so much need the wins at the moment as he should be using his position more - BALOR

The Bludgeon Brothers (c) vs The New Day: WWE Smackdown Live Tag Team Championship Match

Im not sure of anyone really knows the direction they want to go with these belts, the Bludgeons should have been wrestling more as their reign hasn't really felt anything special which is sad for them. Whoever wins will most likely end up feuding with the same old names again, lets hope it gets changed up alittle and The Bar get involved more - BLUDGEON BROTHERS

Elias Performance

Im including this as I see it leading to a beat-down from Bobby Lashley

Cedric Alexander (c) vs Drew Gulak: Cruiserweight Championship Match (Kick Off Show)

Drew won the opportunity at the title after winning a fatal 4 way match and aims to end the rule of Alexander, it just doesn't feel right for a change here. The show still seems to be finding its way as 205 Live are doing great at booking small time feuds, but there really doesn't feel to be a longer plan in mind as to who takes the title next and where it goes from there - ALEXANDER

Rusev + Lane vs Zelina Vega + Andrade Cien Almas (Kick Off Match)

Im gutted for Rusev, he goes from fighting for the world title against Styles one month to being relegated to the pre-show the next, him vs Andrade should have been on the main card in a one on one match allowing them both to have a show stealer and impress everyone that still hasn't seen much of what Almas can offer.

Instead we have it built around the managers and Aiden English all not getting along, the less we talk about Lana having to act or wrestle the better, infact just go back at the second incident they all had and notice that they had to cut Lana’s bump out of the replays because it was that bad - ANDRADE/VEGA

The B Team (c) vs The Revival: WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match

After retaining their titles on Raw The B Team have to defend their titles again against the Revival, this feels like one of those occasions where they will have the match here and then re-do it again on Raw, just that the title change will wait till Raw I predict - REVIVAL

I wonder if we get any surprise names around the show, maybe an NXT call up tonight or tomorrow???

Enjoy

Bye for now

Andy