#like it's actually a fun writing excersise for me

[rotzaprachim]

writing a sw austen themed thing is really interesting because like, one of the things about austen’s women is they lead extremely narrow lives within the confines of a very specific kind of upper-class femininity. you can write things like pride and prejudice and zombies, and I heartily enjoy that, or you can go odd postmodern routes that seek to simultaneously modernise and girl-power the text whilst simultaneously excising many of the questions of agency, gender, and female interrelationship that exist in the original- i wish to uphold no classic works as the epitome of feminism for many reasons, but this trend bothers me greatly - but one of the interesting things about austen to me is the utter worlds of fascinating plot and comedy she details within those confines, and if I’m writing that kind of AU i don’t want to break that. and it brings this thing up that in some ways it feels odd to have blaster and lightsaber wielding action heroines engaged in croquet and cross stitch and interested in their marriages and homes and children, but comparing austen to sw i find actually underlines the poverty of female characterisation within star wars. austen’s women hold their own distinctiveness abroad broader patchworks of human comedy and are sharp and flawed and interesting; a catherine morland, an elizabeth bennet, and an anne elliot are three very different things. as much as these women’s lives are scaffolded around traditional goals of marriage and family, their lives are lived out in relation to other women and in configurations far more complex than “frenemy.” austen can have an endless number of stitchery-in-the-parlour scenes because every woman is distinct enough that comedy and drama arise simply from their proximity in the same place, and this is just.... not something star wars can easily say for itself. it’s the epitome of strong enough to carry the man versus strong enough to carry the narrative 

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

you never know what you'll get (the weather report is always wrong)

sometimes I feel like I could spontaneously combust

light up and let go

burn for a while and maybe it'll be so hot it gets cold

cool off and set it free

nobody in the world with me but me

freeze to death and burn back to life

dawn of the final days

when everything else is gonna fade away

the ambiguity is the charm, third season around

for once I'm the one who stays

what will the weather be like today?

either I end up burnt to a crisp or with frostbitten hands

one way is a light

the other just happens in the night

~ xoxo, Love yoU

[matcheadz]

The Host of Seraphim

Hullo! I’m not very good with social media but I’m trying to be more a part of it! This includes posting some updates on fanfiction I write, cause I do it just for fun and as storytelling excersises. 

I’m currently writing one called The Host of Seraphim that’s Rated M for Mature for blood and violence. No shipping, just family business. It’s almost at the 20,000 word mark and it’s a horror/mystery surrounding Nero’s demon heritage and what it means to be a young devil. Check ‘er out!

Here’s a cute little snippet I liked writting from the current chapter Of Sunflowers and Angels: 

“Abyssal is the language of demons,” Vergil replied flatly. “Lesser demons are capable of a level of primitive speech. Subjects. Predicates. Devils are capable of eloquence, befitting proper communication. It is the baseline of Magick, the root of many languages.”

Vergil eyed his son hesitantly, “I was under the assumption that you understood the communication between Dante and me.”

The corners of Nero’s mouth turned downward, his eyes gazing far away in quiet recollection.

“Nah, I…to be honest, I really did think you had some kind of brotherly secret language or something.” His mouth curled into something of a half-smile.

“Credo and I had one before we joined the Order. Made us feel like we were some important secret agents for His Holiness. It actually came in handy a few times when….” Nero’s smile fell, a veil drooping over his eyes.

Vergil waited in silence.

Nero breathed, pointing at the same sigil again.

“What was that again?”

Repulse.  Vergil growled, intonating crisply.

Nero scrunched up his face and coughed.

“Gtthrrree pl d.”

Vergil suppressed a smirk and shook his head lightly, something light growing in his hands.

“You’re utilizing your diaphragm to make the tone deeper, not more understandable. The muscle you want is in the chest near the back.”

Nero frowned at the dirt symbol, mouthing the location in confusion. He breathed, looking for something recognizable in it.

Vergil repeated.

Repulse.

Gth pull

“Closer. Dig deeper and let the air drag.”

Repulse.

GREEpull.

Repulse.

REE-pull.

Repul-SE.

REEpullS.

Vergil folded his suddenly fidgety hands atop the pommel of Yamato, tip into the ground. He gazes up to the sky, a smirk alighting his face.

Dante Repulses Me.

Nero frowned at the additional sounds, tasting the new words on his tongue. He paused momentarily, blinked, and then grinned suspiciously at his father. Vergil simply smiled at the grey horizon.

Vergil finds the lack of silence and its context in the remaining twenty minutes something more amenable.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47078704/chapters/119306302#workskin

[such-a-bitchh]

Hi @kolimachris thank you for another comission! Let's get to it, I think the idea is just so cool, and I had so much fun writing it that I wrote a bonus!

M6 As streamers (+ bonus at the end)

Okay but hear me out-

Minecraft

I'm so sorry

But he would be the type to play mc just to build the best estate ever

Like, huge ass house, pool, cows and fifteen axolotls

Also five cats

And a pig

Overall games where they can play with many people

His fav people to play with are propably Portia and Nadia (byt she doesen't play too often)

They have the best chemistry playing with Portia

Also genshin impact-

Him and Portia are like on AR 50

100% Hutao main

Not problematic at all

Likes to interact with his fans a lot

Likes talking with them a lot

When they play they propably talk about anything, but the game itself

ALL of his fans love Faust or are scared of her

No in betweens

Sometimes makes prank videos with Julian on Lucio

Everyone feels good watching his streams

Asra safe place for everyone 💖

Okay so... VR

Games in VR for her

Mainly because her fans tell her to

It is NOT because they want to see her more

Also some calm games

Hates horror games

Only plays them when Lucio plays too so she can laugh cause he's a pussy

Doesen't play much games tho

Most of her videos are her makeup storytimes

And morning/night routine

Also excersise videos

She's the healthy queen

Everyone asks her for advices

Has a lot of simps

Mostly she plays with Asra, Portia and Lucio

Sometimes covers, people think her voice's beutifull

She does not

But it really is

Keqing main

Mostly horror games with Lucio

Like, they hate eachother, they would do anything for the other one to die

Does everything for Lucio to die

"C'mon man let me sacrifice you"

Pacify and Phasmophobia with Portia, Lucio and Asra, sometimes Nadia

In 7 days to die he always dies first

Sometimes Lucio

Mostly at the same time

The forest was a very traumatic experience for him

Dad jokes at the beggining of every stream

Nadia loves doing makeup on him on his streams

Peopel love when he plays with Lucio, like, that's so fucking funny

Them trying to kill eachother in EVERY game they play

Get ready for singing sea shanties when he's bored

Wear earphones please

He screams every two seconds

Moans every ten seconds

Pretty sus if you ask me

SEA OF THIEVES

Like I'm sorry but-OMG

His fav game

Scared of Kraken so fucking bad

Propably has thallasophobia but plays it anyways (totally not me...)

When he sees Portia playing Genshin Impact he's always simping for Itto

Iike, simp no.1

Pretty much Tartaglia main tho 👀

Animal crossing.

Melts looking at every single one character

When Felyne's on the screen always runs for Pepi

Decorates her home like a pro

Just... so cute

Cottage core bitch

Everyone loves her aesthetic

Her room, her clothes

Just overall vibe

Also a safe place for everyone

Plays horror games for beef that's going on between Julian and Lucio

Asra and her are the best impostors in Among Us

The sims 4.

Likez always makes the most aesthetic buildings

The prettiest ones

An artist at this point

Genshin Impact of course

Klee main

Likes Xiao just because he reminds her of Julian

Her party contains- Klee as main dps, Xiangling as 2nd DPS, Barbara as a healer and Kazuha to burn everything, as a support

Completely not problematic

Loves her every fan

Scared of furries tho

Pepi camera on every Thursday

Doesen't play much games

Everyone always writes him compliments

Blushing mess

The only games he play are Mc, Genshin ('cause of Asra) and the ones with everyone, like Phasmophobia, Hello Neighbour, The Forest and Sea of Thieves

Actually enjoys SOT

Kraken his favourite-

In Mc he has a chicken farm in Asra's estate

Has a trained wolf called Inanna just like his dog in real life (I'm sorry it's modern setting so Inanna's a dog)

Not problenatic either

Everyone loves him

World's favourite human being

Razor main-

Hates fighting Boreas in Genshin tho-

People draw him a lot of fanarts which is adorable

He loves every each one of them

Streams.with.bare.chest.101

Simp magnes

Dies first in every single game

Everyone always wants to kill him

Makes memes of himself

Mervedes and Melchior camera

Always flexing how rich he is

His fans have hate a love relationship with him

Cheesy pick up lines spill from chat box

Scary telletubies game with Julian everyone's favourite

People love watching him getting killed by Portia

Also an Itto simp

Kaeya or Yae Miiko main

Both for obvious reasons

Because they're good?

No no

Cause they're hot

Simping for Kaeya from beggining of the game

Mostly plays horror games

But wait... he does play Episode (game for phone)

Always choosing the worst options

I'm sorry but-Yandere Simulator (I despise Yan Dev, but Lucio fits for the game so good I'm sorry)

Getting caugth every time he plays it tho

VERY problematic

But in a fun way

Starting dramas for laugh

Everyone who's not his fan hates him

Pretty reasonable, you know?

+ Bonus

M6 + Valerius in Among us and Genshin Impact

Genshin Impact

~Asra:

-mains: Hutao and Mona

-party: Hutao main DPS, Mona 2nd DPS, Qiqi as healer, Sucrose as a support

-fav activity: building characters

~Nadia:

-mains: Keqing, Jean

-party: Keqing main DPS, Jean support healer and 2nd dps, Ninnguang support, Amber support

-fav activity: side quests

~Julian:

-main: Childe ('cause he lost 50/50 on Itto to Mona)

-party: Childe main DPS, Baal support, Chongyun support, Zhongli 2nd DPS shield

-fav activity: dying

~Muriel:

-main: Razor

-party: Razor main DPS, Noelle for shield, Barbara healer, Itto 2nd DPS

-fav activity: colleting flowers

~Portia:

-mains: Xiangling, Klee

-party: Klee main DPS, Xiangling support, Kokomi healer, Yoimiya support (BUUURN)

-fav activity: beating the shit out of Bosses with Asra

~Lucio:

-mains: Kaeya, Yae Miiko

-party: Yae Miko main DPS, Kaeya support, Diona healer and shield, Xinyan shield and 2nd DPS

-fav activity: also dying

~Valerius:

-main: Diluc (hehe wine)

-party: Diluc main DPS, Diona 2nd DPS shield, Bennett support, Barbara healer

-fav activity: watching Julian and Lucio die

+Me:

-main: Jean

-party: Jean main DPS, Baal support, Xiao support, Kazuha 2nd DPS (it's weird I know but it works so xddd) sometimes switching Xiao for Kokomi tho

-fav activity: archon quests

Among Us

~Asra:

-as a crewmate: crew always winning cause he's doing all the tasks

-as an impostor: Lucio must die

~Nadia:

-as a crewmate: walking after everyone to protect them, got voted out first for it

-as an impostor: has no guts to kill anyone but Lucio

~Julian:

-as a crewmate: dies right after Lucio cause of his stupidity

-as an impostor: Gets voted out first after being caugth by EVERYONE while venting

~Muriel:

-as a crewnate: Lives the longest

-as an impostor: after killing Lucio he admits he's the impostor

~Portia:

-as a crewmate: Takes Shlerlock Holmes role and doesen't do her tasks at all

-as an impostor: she just wins after killing Lucio first

~Lucio:

-as a crewmate: dies first, if he's still alive to be part of voting, he gets voted out first

-as an impostor: gets voted out first even with totally no evidence

~Faust:

-as a crewmate: no one DARES to kill her

-as an impostor: ALWAYS wins for some reasom

[mysterious-messengers]

Dorm Life - Vocal Practice!

Yoosung

he’s makes sure to warm up with lip trilling, scales and saying tounge twisters lolol

he actually takes it pretty seriously- although sometimes he likes to mess around with Zen

when he’s beginning to do scales- sometimes when he gets on the top note it sounds like a squeak

“oh wow i didn’t know that we had mice in the studio- gosh we better get rid of them”

“Hyunggggg!!!! that’s so mean!!”

when it gets to the actual singing he tends to sing upbeat songs or whatever they’re producing

he overall enjoys vocal practice a lot

oh! and he’s a Mezzo-Soprano

His range is pretty high, unlike Seven’s

Zen

doesn’t really like lip trills or stuff like that.

mostly because they make him sound stupid

if it were up to him he would only do scales—

but jaehee makes sure he does them so he doesn’t wreck his vocal chords

“Please Zen, we don’t want you accidentally hurting your voice and not being able to preform.”

he does them, just because he was asked

when he gets to sing oh my GODDD

since they go out to a studio for practice, sometimes if people have to go inside or can just hear it they say his voice sounds like an angel

rightfully so~

he sings theatrical songs, or just songs with a lot of emotion. obviously he’s going to practice what their songs if they’re producing any

he also enjoys vocal practice

and Zen is an alto and has a lovely falsetto~

He can also portray emotions ridiculously well while he sings

Jaehee

ms. i must take all precautions and do all the excersises to insure my health

she makes sure everyone else does it too

she’s literally the mother of the group at this point

doing tounge twisters is her strong suit

“she sell she shewl- god jaehee how do you even do these?”

“It just takes a lot of practice Zen, you’ll learn quickly.”

her voice is adorable-

Like seriously can we just appreciate

She also likes musical/theatrical songs, but she also likes to sing pop music (Kpop lolol) and/or whatever they’re producing

Singing isn’t her strong suit so sometimes she struggles with it but she likes it

Jaehee is a pretty soprano

Seven

He legit makes the other members compete in lip trill competitions

“Ha, you just can’t do it~ and look at me! I cant do three scales in a row with only a breath between scales~”

“You can hold your breath for two and a half minutes under water how can you expect us to compete with that you monster”

He makes the warm ups fun for everyone

Most of the times its competitions

Whoever wins gets extra desert or money so its always worth it to try and win

Though his voice is a bit nasally when he starts off he can actually sound really good

Sings rock, pop, alternative- you name it he sings it, well maybe besides classical lolol and/or whatever they’re producing

Singing is cool although he definitely has more fun in dance

A chaotic mezzo-soprano (just like yoosungie lolol) except he has a much deeper range and a better falsetto.

Like damn, he can do a girls voice pretty well- even if it is a bit masculine

He’s also pretty expressive like Zen, but not theatrically wise. More just over-exaggerated emotions

Jumin

Wow this is a problem in mosts of the posts and i am so sorry jumin fans- but he’s the manager so he doesn’t do this stuff lolol

Although he does a have a pretty good ear

Curse you perfect pitch

I question how he’s one of the only ones who has it besides Zen

Like bro you don’t sing as a profession

I mean it is useful when critiquing people

Jumin can sing though, he’s been leaked singing before

It was a a fan sign and the group in charge of it ‘forced’ him to

He’s a tenor! And is voice is so smooth it rivals butter

He obviously likes classical but soft pop is good too.

He’s open to others music tastes

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

Thank you for reading this! I loved to make this lolol, dont know why but the deep story boys were the funnest for me to write. Hope you enjoyed <3

[hawkfurze]

If you're taking drabble prompts from the list—thoughts on number 23, "I immediately regret this decision," perhaps with John? :D

(This was a fun one to write! Decided to do a drabble for my “Anna May joins Eden’s Gate” AU. I never touch up on it like my other ones, so this was a fun excersise.)

Trigger warnings for implied torture and implied forced drug use.

—————-

He had trouble sleeping at night.

John knew it was because he was so busy. Every day in Eden’s Gate was constantly productive, new atonements, taking stock of what they have gained that day, preparing their new supplies, and people, for the seven year long wait once the Collapse arrives, and, of course, counting up the casualties that Deputy has made that day. Every image, every number, rolling around in his mind until he has to get out of bed and away from it all.

If he was at his home he would make himself some tea, maybe stand on his porch and watch the moonrise, meditate on what is to come, but he doesn’t get to have that luxury anymore, not after the Deputy had decided to steal his home from him. He doesn’t worry, he knows he can get it back.

So instead, John Seed threw on some clothes, his blue shirt and pants, not bothering with the belt and vest, and made his way from his room in his silo up to the surface.

He took care to bring his radio and his gun. No doubt the sinners keep a wide berth away from his gate, but John would not be surprised if someone would want to try and take pot shots at him from the woods. He nodded at a fellow Project member as he left the big metal doors, making his way out of the gate’s entrance and down the dirt path.

The night was refreshingly cool, perfect even. John found himself relaxing as he walked, not even realizing that he was tense. He will walk to the far end of the gate, where his brothers and sisters were keeping watch further up the road, check to see if everything down there is alright, then make his way back to his bed in the silo.

He was not even halfway there when his radio turned on, a very familiar voice overlaid with static occasionally coming through. John pulled the mouthpiece up to him.

“Deputy,” he said, “very unnatural of you to be calling me at this hour.”

“Hey John,” Deputy Shawn’s voice said, sounding curiously exhausted. John’s interest piqued.

“Have you finally decided to atone? There can be no other reason I would be hearing from you this late at night, unless you want to keep begging for your princesses wellbeing again-“

“Is she safe?” John couldn’t help but smile at the panic in her voice. He gave a chuckle.

“Yes, she is fine- as she could be in her current condition. But not for long,” John continued, “What I said before still stands, every crime your Resistance makes against my family will be done a hundredfold on your friends.”

John felt himself grow please when the Deputy repeated that last part of his sentence with him, affirming that she really was listening to him, for once.

“You really do listen. I wish you had gained that kind of insight during our last meeting, although I suppose threats do have a way of changing people's minds,” John said.

“Well, I immediately regret this decision,” Deputy Shawn said, a hint of anger in her voice, “if you’re just going to chastise me, then I may have well called Faith instead.”

“Then let us cut to the chase,” John said. He went over to a nearby tree and leaned against it, looking up to the clear sky at the half moon that was gently lowering itself down from the sky.

“Why did you call me in the middle of the night? Do you wish to distract me? I have no doubts you are out there now, crosshairs aimed at my head, unless you have another lost soul you claimed doing the dirty work for you? I am out in the open, after all, so if you wish to be a coward-”

“No, I am not trying to kill you,” Deputy Shawn interrupted him, “I- I’m alone.”

“Then what is it that you need to waste my time with?” John asked, growing a little frustrated, but he pushed it to the side. Let the Deputy say her bit first.

There was a moment of silence that was only broken by the gentle breeze that blew through the leaves in the trees above him, then Deputy Shawn was back.

“I want to make a deal,” she finally said.

Oh? This certainly caught John by surprise.

“No, I don’t think we can do that,” John said.

“You didn’t even let me say what it was!” The Deputy protested. John gave a huff.

“Fine, speak,” he said, crossing his arms, the radio’s mouthpiece hung lazily from one hand.

“I want you and your family to let my friends go. Burke, Hudson, Pratt. I want all of them home.”

“And what would we get out of this? Hm?” John asked.

“A confession,” The Deputy said, “I’ll give myself over to the Father, if you let them go. You’ll get your Yes from me, willingly and truthfully, just let them go.

John was shocked by this. This was not like the Deputy, who had so eagerly have been causing trouble across his and his sisters regions, to suddenly be groveling like this, weak and beaten down. John lifted the radio mouthpiece up again and began to laugh.

“This has got to be a joke,” John said, “I do not hold that kind of authority over my family, Deputy. Atonement does not come with terms and conditions. None of your friends cannot just leave, that is not how any of this works!”

“I’m asking you because I know you will bring my proposition to the Father,” The Deputy said, no humor in her voice, as she normally has when she is mocking him in the past, “You’re the only one in your family who actually listens to me. I’m not lying.”

No, she doesn’t sound like she is. John rested the mouthpiece on his leg before lifting it up again.

“Even if I wish to go along with this rather silly idea of yours, the Father will not go along with it,” John said, “All of you are to be saved by us, whether you like it or not. Atonement is not just something you can bargain to get.”

“I already knew that,” the Deputy said. John smirked.

“Then what was the point of this call, other than to try and get me angry?”

“I know you have stakes in this if I don’t join Eden’s Gate,” the Deputy said, “You may have drugged me, but I know what Joseph said for you. With how I’m looking at this, all I am doing is making your job easier. I’m just asking you to at least give my message to Joseph.”

John felt anger boil inside himself, then ebb and fade away. Yes, she does have a point, he cannot fail, not when they were so close, but this was preposterous, reckless even. Faith and Jacob would never agree to this and even the Father would have some words about this whole ridiculous scheme of hers.

“Fine. I’ll do it,” John said. On Deputy Shawn’s end, he can hear her give a sigh.

“And you won’t hurt Hudson?”

“Unless you decide to do something foolish between now and our next meeting, no I won’t,” John said, “no doubt this really is just a joke. Just how many people do you have helping you out with your silly plan?”

“No one. Nobody knows right now except you and me,” the Deputy said. John laughed.

“I want to believe it. And just when I thought you have been growing nostalgic.”

There was no reply. John got up off from his spot on the tree, staring out into the distant mountains where, just maybe, the Deputy was hiding right now.

“I’ll talk to Joseph and we will see what he says about this. You must love Deputy Hudson a lot, I wonder what she will say when she finds out you sold her soul to damnation just to try and save yourself?”

John didn’t even let Deputy Shawn get a chance to reply. He turned the radio off and left, heading up the road back to his silo where a very important phone call was waiting for him.

[zankokunowisdom]

Productivity Challenge

When you haven’t felt that great for months it’s a bit surrealistic to have four consecutive good weeks. But yay for me! Last week I decided to take a break from lucid dreaming because I’ve just been a bit exausted mentally and couldn’t focus my intention to actually lucid dream. Originally I wanted to do it only for a couple of days, but I think it’ll be a longer break because I want to get excited about this hobby again. I wasn’t very active, especially during the second half of the week but still managed to catch a lot of cool moments.

Day 43 - Monday. Mondays have been turning into planning days. Writing out whart happened the week before and planning for the week ahead, I actually planned a lot of useful things for the week, I haven’t done a lot of them though, ahaha. I worked, wrote down one dream, did some yoga amd arm excersises, and met with Akira for a bit.

Day 44 - Tuesday. I have one more new student now so I worked more this day, aside from that I did some mental-emotional healing for (I did that the day before as well), met with Akira and chatted about DnD for the whole evening, lots of laughs were heard that day, hehehe.

Day 45 - Wednesday. Worked, reread some info from me-book which was very helpful, finally drawn my character Esme - it took a while! Drawing is difficult х) But not as difficult and impossible as it once was! I also kinda had a brainstorming session with myself for bleach. Rune.

Day 46 -Wooorked again (beind adult is so fun), worked on my speech a little bit, met with Akira again, finally watched Coco - I’ve been meaning to watch it for so long, really sweet animation film, I liked it a lot.

Also I rememember Rosa from Brooklyn 9-9 and kinda worked on my behaviour a bit more like her, hehehe, useful with kids. And watched a documentary about dinosaurs.

Love dinosaurs!

Day 47 Friday - I stopped writing things down for some reason so I don’t really remember what did I do aside from work. Oh well. Aaah, right, I’ve found a bunch of really cool DnD books.

Day 48 Saturaday - I finished watching Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, checked my year plans, watched Station 19 and met with Akira who had dyed her hair (finally). Also watched Station 19.

Day 49 Sunday - DnD session, watched The Good Place. Our DnD sea trip is finally over (for now)! Earth will hopefully be under our feet  very soon. Started to watch Index,

Another week is ahead. Let’s go into the future

[clemiscool]

I am cooL!!!

This is my new secret blog. If someone who knows me somehow finds this they’re gonna know it’s me because I’m just stupid like that but hey hopefully that doesn’t happen lol why would that even happen stupid woman. 

I like the name Clem/Clementine. I like the song Clementine by Elliott Smith. I like the character Clementine from Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind and I like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Cool film, took me like an actual year and a half to build up the strength to watch it though. LOL. little bitch. 

If I could choose my name, I’d call myself Clementine. Wait, I already got to choose my name. I hadn’t thought of this one when I did that. But I don’t know if I prefer this one to my actual name, probably not. Aww shucks, I wish I could have two names... Oh wait... I can! But I already chose my middle name. It’s Randy. At first I was just joking with it but now I unironically like it. Oh God. I haven’t actually built up the courage to ask people to call me Randy yet. I don’t think I will that’s fucking stupid. I mean that’s kind of annoying to be honest. I change my name, everyone gets used to it and then here I am changing it AGAIN, but also wanting people to call me the old one AS WELL. I just “ironically” change my name to Randy on discord at random intervals. So yeah. Randy is my middlename.  Randy Clementine. Clementine Randy. That’s doesn’t really go, sorry Clem. So maybe I’m just Clementine here. I mean maybe Clementine doesn’t really suit me anyway, not like my actual name does, that’s for sure. But that’s fine. I can be Clementine here, and I can be a slightly different person here to suit the name! I don’t know. Think of it like a writing excersise or something. Maybe just a bit of fun. Sometimes I really want to be someone else. If I was someone else I could withstand my own company, because it would be like being with someone else. I’d learn new things about my new self everyday as I spend more time with my new personality. That would be cool. 

This blog is going to be cool. I am going to write things. They will be cool.

[cosmos-dan]

New Years Post

here’s my 2017 year in review and new years resolution post! it’s gonna be a long post so i’m putting it under the cut.

7 things i learned this year

don’t stress about exams: i learned that the more i stress the less productive i am. i need to just study hard and the results will be the results that i deserve.

take risks: if i never overcame that initial anxiety to join my schools improv team i wouldn’t be who i am today and i never would have met some amazing friends.

be selfish when it comes to your mental health: even if people around you are always looking for you to save them, if it’s taking a toll on you, take a step back. but still try and be a kind and supportive friend if and when you are in a good head space.

reconnect with old friends: i became quite distant at the beginning of this year because of my anxiety. but by this summer i realized that one of my closest friends was the one i felt most comfortable talking to about my feelings.

have fun: i had a great time travelling the UK in the summer. if i just stayed sad all the time i never would have made the same great memories.

self care is important: after i realized later this year that i have depression as well as anxiety, i knew that i had to take some days off. i needed to charge my battery.

not having a label is ok: i experimented with my labels, telling few people what i thought i am. i said i was demi-bisexual for a while but now i’m not so sure. i’m just living by the day and it’s ok not to have a label. i’m just sure i’m not straight lol.

some people that changed my 2017

@musicalboye : i know they deleted their account but i still wanted to mention them. i met you through the bandom phandom net and im so happy i did. i’m always thinking about you. you made me feel better when i was the most depressed and i feel comfortable talking to you about everything, keep fighting my strong friend.

@phanmoonmother : you were there for me when i was crying about the tour tickets and i just wanna thank you for that? you helped me see that everything was going to be okay in the end.

@itsmydanpheelings : jules, idk what to say. you have been in my life for three months but it feels like we have known each other for years. you’re the first person i talk to in the morning and the last person i talk to at night. you’re my best friend even if we live 2,700 miles apart. we have broken borders and time zones. idk where i would be without you. i can talk to you about anything, and that’s special. actually i’m texting you rn while i’m writing this. so i don’t want to make this all mushy, but ily jules and i can’t wait for all the memories that awaits us. have a great new year :)

finally all of my followers. i recently hit 1.1k and i’m honestly still in shock that so many people follow me. i’ve noticed more people actually know me and mention me and i’m still always confused? i’m just some girl that lives in a small town in canada that decided to start a blog about her idols. i never believed so many people would be looking at my content. so i guess just thank you for being with me all the way through 2017. i love you all so much and can’t wait for what happens in 2018.

Zoe’s 2018 New Years Resolutions!

self care: i want to get better. and the only way i can do that is if i pick my pieces off of the ground and have the will to get better. maybe seek professional help and overall just treat myself with more respect. i also need to start showering more often and drinking more water. as well, i need to excersise more to help me feel more comfortable with who i am.

getting rid of toxic people: i don’t want anymore friendships that make me feel like i’m nothing. or make me feel like i’m not enough. or that i’m not “normal”. i want to start hanging out with the people that actually care about me, and that are people i think that i feel comfortable sharing my feelings with etc.

so happy new years guys!! thanks again for being with me whether it’s been since the beginning or the end of 2017. i love you all so much. keep shining babs :)

[constel-langst-ions]

Double Trouble

Guys I seriously have no knowledge on 99.9 percent of the topics I write. It’d be very appreciated if you all told me. Thanks!

—

Lance sat on his bed, staring at his legs. Pale beige with a white patella, back of knee, toes, even the heel and ball of his foot. Or prosthetic foot. Thin, black lines indicated where the pieces were wired together. Despite not looking all that advanced, they were. He could walk normally. Even his nerves had been connected. They took up most of his legs, he noted, since he only had a few inches of what was left od his thighs still there. Part of it went up and hugged his waist, so he could easily slip it under clothing. So, thats how his team never knew about them. Not even Hunk. He only changed when Hunk was asleep or he’d change in the bathroom.

He’d do anything to make sure they didn’t know- he didnt want a pity party-, even if it meant hiding. But not everything can be kept a secret, can it?

—

It was 2:37am, according to the castle time. Lance was still completely wide awake. He decided it was a good time to work out a bit, as he knew everyone was asleep; he’d even checked their rooms. Lance absolutely could not afford them finding out.

He made his way to the training room, shirtless, a towel around his neck. He had asked Coran earlier how to modify it as a makeshift gym, and the older Altean had gladly taught him.

Now Lance stood in front of a control panel, tapping pictures that faintly resmebled equipment he had used on Earth to build his upper body strength. He added a few things, including a pullup bar, weights that ranged between 5 and 50 pounds, a heavy bag,n inja walking poles, and a rope hanging from the ceiling. He used all of these to help become stronger over the years, thankful for his family’s ability to grant him the much needed equipment.

He sat down below the pullup bar first, unfasteneinf his legs and setting them to the side. He was wearing female training shorts, not wanting to get longer ones, since he dislikes tying the cloth. These were much better, and they fit snuggly. Fittingly, they were black with the blue paladin volton symbol on the sides. He placed his hands on the sides, and with a grunt, started climbing up. Admittedly, it took longer, as it had been a while since he did it last. Finally, he reached the pull bar and wrapped his fingers around it. Suddenly realizing his music, he hung by one hand and reached for his phone, which was attached to his arm with a black armband. He hit play, and out the music blasted through the wireless headphones.

He started doing chin-ups, muttering out loud each one. “One, two, three, four, five..” He huffed out, urginf himself to push as far as he possibly could. Finally, when he felt his fingers become sore, he placed his hands back on the sides and started making his way down. After a moment, he sat on the ground, and wiped the sweat from his face with the back of his hand. He took a few sips of water, which he thankfully left by his legs, before started to awkwardly crawl to the next training piece, the ninja walking poles. To be fair, they were mainly used for walking, not working on his acrobats skills but hey, whatever it took to not be a burden.

He stopped at the shortest one and pulled himself onto it. He flipped his body up so his hands were around the flat surface, on his palms. He had his arms straightened, his head up so he could see straight ahead. Slowly, he lowered himself, then pushed himself back up. He repeated the movement, gradually getting faster. He moved to the next one, copying the excersise from before. However, it was more wobbly. He had his upper body partially bent, so if he had legs- the thought caused him to chortle- they’d be close to his head. He wished he had them, though, because he was flexible. It would’ve been fun.

But, oh well, it wasn’t his fault that he had been born without them. Defect caused in the womb, his family was told.

It also wasn’t his fault that he didn’t notice the team in the training room doorway.

—

The team had woken up, all of then feeling something empty within their bones. Specifically, Pidge had been awake at the time, but that wasn’t important. They had all exited their rooms, save for Lance, who they noticed was absent from the little party in the hallway. Yawning, and all in their pajamas, they all made their way down the hallway, stopping in front of the training room. They could hear thumps from inside, as well as grunts from who theyre sure was Lance. The lights were bright, and as the door slid open, their jaws dropped.

Lance, with no legs. Lance, in female training shorts. Lance, with his prosthetics on the wall. Lance, balancing on primal walking poles, balancing on one hand.

Lance, to Keith’s embarrassment, looked hot.

—

Lance slowly leaned back, tightening his grip on the top part of the pole so he wouldn���t put too much weight to the side and fall. Gradually, he lowered himself until he could sit on the primal pole, a tall one.

He rested his stub on the other one to keep his balance. Still having the towel around his neck, he wiped his sweat from his forehead. He rubbed his eyes, becoming sleepy.

He heard a noise to his right, and all but screamed.

Before Lance knew it, he was lying flat on his back on the training room floor, the metal nice against his warm skin. The pole he had been on was still teetering from when he had fallen.

He blinked, looking up. His teams faces were over him worried.

“Oh..”

Lance muttered a curse, grappling to sit up. The team gave him space, but still, they stared. Lance didnt like it one bit, no sir. Actually, he despised it. He waa cloose to having a fit of panic, he was so anxious. But he calmed himself. His team wouldnt hurt him, he knew that. So, ever so calmly, he crawled to his prosthetics and slipped then on, slightly raising his shorts to fit them properly. The team only watched, dumbfounded, as he stood, and gave a few text kicks.

Lance looked at then, and shot a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “So, I know you have questions, but please refrain. Yes, I have prosthetics. No, I wasn’t an amputee. I was born without legs, a defect. And yes, my prosthetics and expensive and one of the kind. So Pidge, that means you can’t tinker with them. ‘K?” He rested a hand on his hip, out of breath from his short speech.

They all nodded, the shock still visible on their faces. Only Coran wasn’t phased, his following words making everyone giggle.

“Wait, I was supposed to believe you had legs? My, it waa obvious with your first trip into the pod!” The Altean announced.

They laughed. It was funny, actually.

It lightened the mood, too.

Maybe, just maybe, Lance would open up to them more.

No more secrets.

[aetherschreiber]

Fic: Hedge Knight (notes)

So there you are! Thanks for reading! I'm under no delusions that this is going to get a lot of attention, being as the fandom is tiny at this point. So please be aware that any feedback you can give is precious as gold and will be greatly treasured.

This was the result of a very old plot bunny of about twenty years of age. So, older than most acutal bunnies. Back in the day, it was not very clearly worked out, which is probably why it didn't get written until now. This actually bears very little resemblance to the original plot bunny, since 20 years ago I was a silly fifteen-year-old girl without a clue. My historical nerding and ability to do research is what finally really brought this thing to light. It just didn't have a chance, back in the day.

And, while working on this, it bred some other plot bunnies that I might try to nuture in the future. Not sure, yet. We'll see if they come together.

Now, excuse me while I nerd this out...

Because I'm a huge nerd, I went digging around in Irish mythology for some stuff. I've made a few assumptions on stuff that was never clearly established in the show itself, so I thought I would make a few notes here.

Regarding Emain Macha...

The show never gave a name for the village that was in the shadow of Kells Castle. I wanted to have one and the Ulster Cycle calls the town that Conchobar mac Nessa rules from Emain Macha. Plus, I liked the story of the way the town got its name. So I stole it and ran like Macha in the horse race. Nothing too ground-breaking here.

I went and got down and nerdy with the characters's names and some side-stories, too. It's always kind of bothered me that none of them had full, period style names (because, like I said, I'm a nerd). Deirdre and Conchobar would certainly have had something more than just a given name, as would Ivar. Rohan and Angus are somewhat more open to interpretation, so I put my own spin on it. Plus, I'm in the SCA, so I just couldn't help myself while digging through medieval Irish names.

Regarding the name Rohan Draganta Ban Ui Meith Macha...

The conceit of Rohan's clan name is that he is descended from the war goddess Macha. This distinction would have come from his father's side of the family, ostensibly a Kellsman. Draganta I threw in there as a sort of "middle name" because it would have been in there somewhere, but I'm just not sure how it would have been lenited, since as far as I can tell it's not actually an Irish name.

When you get right down to it, Rohan is basically CuChullain, who was not born with that name and only was called that after defeating a giant hound (see Tash Hound of Temra, and may other references throughout the show). As a young boy, since no one in the village knew anything about his epic destiny, he was called by the villagers of Emain Macha "Rohan Ban" meaning "Rohan the fair" because of his hair. The moniker stuck, even after he finds out his identity as the Warrior Draganta.

Regarding the name Deirdre inghean Conchobair Ui Rudhraighe...

There isn't a whole lot here that needs to be explained. This is a straight up lineage type of a name. It basically says that she's Conchobar's daughter, who is in turn a male descendant of a man named Rudraige. This clan name is derived from a high-king of Ireland, Rudraige, whose son was a king of Ulster (or in this context, Kells). I never actually got around to actually using the name in the fic, but it's here in the notes for completeness' sake.

In my head, Deirdre's mother was named Eithne. She was killed by Maeve when Deirdre was a little girl. Don't know why that's relevant. But there you are.

The show pretty much tossed out the actual Irish mythology of Deirdre and Conchobar. Trust me, this is a good thing. The Conchobar of myth was a real creeper and what he did to the Deirdre of myth was unsettling and I'm pretty sure illegal in modern life (and no, I don't just mean killing her husband; that's DEFINITELY illegal). So I pretty much tossed out anything of the names of the characters from myth and more or less treated them as new characters with their own backstories.

Regarding the name Angus Dubh o Cumhaill...

Angus effectively equates to Conall Cernach, the best friend of CuChullain.

In my fic, he is a descendant of Cailte mac Ronain, nephew of the last king of the Fianna, through his son Oisin. In actual Irsh myth, Conall and Cailte were not related (in fact, one is from the Ulster Cycle and the other from the Fenian Cycle and here I've even reversed their time periods), but a relating of the two characters is used for story purposes, because what the hell? The show didn't care about that stuff, either.

All of this was on his mother's side of the family. His mother's brother, Cet mac Magach, was told by a druid that the baby would one day kill his uncle. Cet was afraid of this and tried to kill Angus shortly after he was born. This is based on the story of Conall and Cet from Irish myth, but around there is where the similarities end and artistic licence takes over. When Cet did not succeed, he fled to Temra. Angus' mother and father then left him with an old lady named Brighde in Emain Macha to hide him from any further attempts on his life by Cet. This is why he was basically brought up as a street urchin along side Rohan.

The old lady gave him the moniker Dubh because of his dark hair. But Angus never really liked it, so he didn't perpetuate it after Brighde died. The fact that Cet refers to him as such is the result of a very old rumor finally making its way to Cet after many years.

The story Angus tells of besting the soldier Anluan is based on the Tale of Mac Da Tho's Pig. In that, Conall wins the debate by casually tossing Anluan's freshly-severed head to Cet. I uh... toned it down, just a smidge.

Conall kind of has a history of severing heads. I pretty much left that out. It didn't exactly say "Angus" to me...

Regarding the name Ivar ibn Idris Adar as-Salar...

No, you didn't miss this name, either. Again, never got around to using it in the fic. But it was a fun excersise.

The idea for Ivar is that he is a prince in pre-Muslim Syria. He is the son of Idris, a prince, of the clan Salar. In that culture, the title of Prince has a different connotation. Ivar's father is not necessarily a king and Ivar will not necessarily succeed him. In fact, given that it was his task to guard the silver chalice, and that he was sent to retrieve it, and that he was free to pledge help to Rohan and Kells, it seems likely that he is a younger son of a local prince, under a sultan, and not likely to inherit.

Random note, Ivar is NOT a Syrian name and is most likely a derivation of the Scandanavian name Ivor. Why the show didn't go ahead and find an actual name of the type of heritage that Ivar was clearly supposed to have, I really don't know and I was rather disappointed to learn. But Ivar isn't terribly glaring in its ethic displacement, so I ran with it and chose a name sort of like it for his father in order to help it fit in.

Finally, in reference to the title of the fic...

Yes, I am aware that the term "hedge knight" first showed up in the Song of Ice and Fire series. However, that wasn't what inspired the title of this fic. Rather it was a fantastic song I heard around a campfire in the SCA. I know the bard in question as Lady Cobflaith (she's a really awesome person with a lot of talent!). The song itself has very little to do with the plot of the fic at all, but it did introduce me to the idea of a penniless knight and the idea that someone who might not seem to others to be worthy can do great things, even if only in the eyes of the few or the one.

Oh, and one more note. Mace fighting is weird and hard to write. A sword girl like me, who depends on keeping covered and breaking tempos, can't wrap her head around a weapon that works with a rhythm and leaves parts of the wielder open to thrust attacks at regular intervals. So, those bits probably kind of sucked and I'm sorry.

Sláinte!

[minijenn]

Fake Universe Falls Chapter Titles

Why? Because why the hell not? So here we go with me making up bullshit chapter titles of literally EVERY. SINGLE. CHAPTER. of Universe Falls! Enjoy! (under the cut!)

Prologue: The Gems Go On a Nature Walk Chapter 1: Dipper and Mabel Are Rebellious Little Shits Chapter 2: Steven is An Innocent Sunshine Child Chapter 3: In Which The Crossover Part of the Fic Starts Chapter 4: Tourist Trapped (Minus Tourist Trapped) Chapter 5: Gem Glow But Cookie Cat is Dead (Again) Chapter 6: Opal Punches a Robot In the Face Chapter 7: The Mystery Kids Become the Mystery Kids Chapter 8: The Chapter Jen Hated Writing the Most Chapter 9: Boys 2 Men (Except They’re Still Just Boys) Chapter 10, part 1: Greg Woke Up Too Early For This Shit Chapter 10, part 2: UF Journal is Even More Shady Than Canon Journal 

Chapter 11: Gideon Almost Commits Double Homicide Chapter 12: Steven and Dipper Do Something Stupid (part 1)  Chapter 13: SU Episodes that Weren’t Important Enough To Get Chapters to Themselves Chapter 14: Fun With Pink Pets and Time Travel Chapter 15: Insert Video Game Reference Here Chapter 16: Pearl Doesn’t Eat Summerween Candy Chapter 17: Dipper and Mabel Nearly Die Because of Something Gem Related (part 1)  Chapter 18: Baby Melon is a Baby Melon (Get it?)  Chapter 19: Keeping Secrets Leads to Draaaaaaamaaaaaa Chapter 20, part 1: Fluff Hour With Lapis Lazuli Chapter 20, part 2: Angst Hour With Lapis Lazuli

Chapter 21: An Actual Fucking Mystery In this Story For Once Chapter 22: Pearl Nearly Kills the Kids, What Else Is New?  Chapter 23: Public Pool Makeout Session Chapter 24: Dipper and Steven Do Something Stupid (part 2) Chapter 25: The Gems Are Terrible Employees Chapter 26: Sleeping On Hay Is Overrated Chapter 27: Everyone Argues for Like, 17,000 Words Or Whatever Chapter 28: Lion Acts Like the Fucking Cat He Is Chapter 29: Stan and Amethyst Break the Law (Part 1)  Chapter 30, part 1: The One with Bill In It (part 1)  Chapter 30, part 2: Alexandrite Punches a Robot In the Face

Chapter 31: Jen Mashes Two Songs That Don’t Go Together Together Chapter 32: Dipifica Foreshadowing (part 1)  Chapter 33: Dipper and Steven Do Something Stupid (part 3)  Chapter 34: Amethyst Gets Her Ass Kicked Several Times Chapter 35 A: Stevonnie Has Crippling Social Anxiety Chapter 35 B: Maven Has A Massive Identity Crisis Chapter 35 C: Stepper Has A Schizophrenic Split Personality Chapter 36: Rose Was Shady AF (part 1) Chapter 37: Young Greg and Baby Steven Cameo In a Chapter Chapter 38: Stan and the Gems Try to Be Normal (And Fail) Chapter 39: Dipper and Lapis Are Sarcastic and Adorable Chapter 40, Part 1:  Dipper and Mabel Nearly Die Because of Something Gem Related (part 2) Chapter 40, Part 2: Garnet Drops Some Sick Beats

Chapter 41: Just Talk About Your Feelings Dammit!  Chapter 42: Peer Pressure is Actually Ok Chapter 43, Part 1: The One With Bill In It (part 2, with 150% More Angst!)  Chapter 43, Part 2: Another One With Bill In It (Rated P for PAIN) Chapter 44: Pearl Indoctrinates Two Kids Into Being Martyrs Chapter 45: Matchmaking Always Fails Chapter 46: That is... Fucked Right Up Chapter 47: Night At the Cult Headquarters Museum Chapter 48 A: Greg Accidentally Gets a Job and a Girlfriend On the Same Night Chapter 48 B: Pearl is Salty, What Else Is New? Chapter 49: Dipifica Foreshadowing (part 2)  Chapter 50, Part 1: The One Where Shit REALLY Hits The Fan Chapter 50, Part 2: The Angst Train to Backstory Town

Chapter 51: Rose Was Shady AF (part 2) Chapter 52: Pearl Fucks Up, What Else is New?  Chapter 53: Dipper and Ford are Nerds and No One Is Surprised Chapter 54: Ruby and Sapphire Are Terrible At Conflict Resolution Chapter 55: Stan and Amethyst Break the Law (part 2)  Chapter 56: Peridot Tries to Troll Everyone (and Fails) Chapter 57: Rose was REALLY Shady AF (part 3) Chapter 58: The One With Bill In It (part 3, Plus Unicorns) Chapter 59: Peridot PIsses Literally Everything in Gravity Falls Off Chapter 60, Part 1: A Fuck Ton of Fusion Fuckery Chapter 60, Part 2: Peridot Uses the Bathroom

Chapter 61: Steven Sings the Campfire Song Song Chapter 62: Stan and Amethyst Break the Law (part 3, This Time with Peridot) Chapter 63: The Nerds Have an Ego Fight Chapter 64: Steven Is Only Somewhat Ok At Conflict Resolution Chapter 65: Greg Is the Only One Who’s Good With Babies Chapter 66: Dipifica Foreshadowing (part 3, This Time with Peridot) Chapter 67: The Rational Giraffe Wife is Irrational Chapter 68: Peridot Does Stupid Shit For an Entire Chapter For Our Amusement Chapter 69: The Gems Rescue Ford Almost Constantly Chapter 70, Part 1: Lapis and Jasper Have a Rough Breakup Chapter 70, Part 2: Steven is Really Good at Cluster Resolution

Chapter 71: Keep Your Arms and Hands With the Lazuli At All Times Chapter 72: The Gang Plays Baseball or Dies Chapter 73: Matchmaking Always Works (Also Dipifica is Now Canon) Chapter 74: In Which Jen Has to Write a Fuck Ton of Original Songs Chapter 75: Morally Ambiguous Possession For Fun and Profit Chapter 76: Kids In Trenchcoats Race a Jerkass and His Jerkass Friends Chapter 77 A: Ford Tells Bill To Go Fuck Himself (He Does Not) Chapter 77 B: Ford Gets an Embarrassing Tattoo Chapter 77 C: Ford Makes Some Friends But Mostly Just a Lot of Enemies Chapter 78: Half-Turning Into a Monster is Actually Not Fun, Who Could Have Guessed Chapter 79: Lapis is an Overprotective Mom Chapter 80, Part 1: Dipper and Steven Do Something REALLY Stupid (and Dangerous, part 4) Chapter 80, Part 2: Stepper Has a Really Bad Time, Like, In General Chapter 80, Part 3: Everyone Goes to Beat Bill Up (Doesn’t Really Work)

Chapter 81: Ford Tells Dipper to Chill It Out With All The Fucking Angst (He Sort of Doesn’t Listen) Chapter 82: The Reverse Kids Are Fucking Little Brats Chapter 83: Don’t Let Children Around Rose. Ever.  Chapter 84: Being an Adult Fucking Sucks Chapter 85: Jasper Picks on Someone Her Own Size Chapter 86: Stan and Amethyst Break the Law (part 4, This Time To Save Everyone) Chapter 87: Bismuth Deserved Better, I Can’t Even Make a Joke About That Chapter 88: GR Pacifica Wants the D(ipper) Chapter 89: Pacifica Tells Dipper to Chill It Out With All The Fucking Angst (He Actually Does Listen This Time) Chapter 90, Part 1: Jasper Has a Shitty Day Chapter 90, Part 2: Rose Was INCREDIBLY SHADY AF (part 4) Chapter 90, Part 3: A Human Sized Hamster Ball In Space

Chapter 91: Garnet Has a Jealous Side Chapter 92: Lapis and Pacifica Have a Team Building Excersise Chapter 93: The Kids Go To Therapy (Because Oh God They Need It) Chapter 94: Everyone’s Hot AF As a Teen Chapter 95: Pearl Is Gay, What Else is New Chapter 96: Half-Gem Kids Have Angst Just In General Chapter 97: The Thanksgiving Chapter, But In Summer Chapter 98: Time Travel Makes Everyone Sad, Especially Me Chapter 99: I Changed My Mind, Don’t Let Steven Around Rose. Ever.  Chapter 100, Part 1: Some Nerds Almost Die on an Abandoned Gem Ship Chapter 100, Part 2: The Big One (TM) 

Chapter 101: The One With Bill In-Oh Fuck It He’s In Literally Every Chapter In This Damn Arc Chapter 102: How To Survive the Apocalypse with Dipper and Lapis Chapter 103: Amethyst Does Not Get Her Ass Kicked Several Times Chapter 104: Dipper Snaps Dippy Fresh’s Neck (Yes That Is Actually Going To Happen) Chapter 105: The One With the Song From the End Credits Chapter 106: *Insert Inspirational Full Company Musical Number Here* Chapter 107: Everyone Builds a Giant Robot (To Punch Bill In the Face With) Chapter 108: The Zodiac Is Somewhat Less of a Copout Chapter 109: Bill and Yellow Diamond Bitch At Each Other Chapter 110: Everything Goes to Fuck  Epilogue 1: Everything’s Ok Now But its Angst Epilogue 2: Jen Cries For the Rest of her Life

[nyamiriver-blog]

Tonights ramble.

In the Norwegian Prime minister NewYears Speach she uttered that we need more children in Norway. And for me, as the thinker I am, I've gone trough my fair share, no shame, just this is my life, and I've become wiser and softer from doing inner work, and being in so much damn pain that I had to search out in the world for answers, and from my pure intention to actually heal all this ancestoral trauma and guilt and patterns.. Has led me into meeting awesome people from all over the world, learned about meditation, the wisdom of ancient China, Qi Gong, Herbal medicine, sound and color theraphy, learned about psycology and how we can re-program our mind and basically change the blueprint of where to take our own lives..

Im sitting here now, learning from the Universe that I neeeeed to be more confident and take my power back, not sit at the sidelines of life, observing others and thinking I NEED others to live my life and have a life.. Being co-dependant to the degree that I oversee my intuition, EVEN after all Ive learned about how intuitive and intune we can be... Just beacuse I have been traumatised to the degree that I have MANY triggers troughout the day, so I cant sometimes even see my own essence, because the motions around me, sends me into so much erroneous emotion and fears... So on a good day, Im going to the gym, having fun, cause Im wierd like that, I NEED to laugh to enjoy working out, and in the current mindset of me, and correct me if Ive interpreted this wrong, I dont feel like I can go to the Gym when its people there, cause you might think I dont know what the hell Im doing and also think Im too damn goofy.. The gym cuture has become so serious, like, you have to run to impress, lift to impress and do the reps like we've read in the fitness guides.. But I CANT DO THAT, I need it to be more playful.. Like if I want to do 40 reps one time, and then 3 reps of different excersises, I want to be able to do that without anyone judging me back into insecurity, by sending me wierd looks, therefore I am at the gym late at night, which controlles my flow every day, because sometimes I am energetic at 10 am, or 1.45 pm, but since I have to work out so seriously at those times, It kills my enthusiasm. And this is not something I can change, because this is my honest to God truth.. I am this person, that does not fit into this society and at the same time, am not wanting to endure judgements just because Im a wierdo. So rant end, I'll keep working out late at night in the winter, and go into the forest every summer insted of hanging around other homo sapiens. So for me, what I know for sure, if you have issues, and feel co-dependant on people that are not good for you, you will be unhappy and you will not reach your potential, in my opinion, if you are going to make it, you have to move into an apartment alone, be with yourself for at least a year, and not to netflix and chill, sit like I do now, write out your thoughts in a thread like this, feeeeel your body, breathe.. close your eyes, move your upper body, maybe strech and just look at the cealing or even better the sky.. and stay with yourself.. So much of who we are these days are diluted and molded by what we think others need us to be, or by not having enough time to figure out what we mean before we agree in a conversation with our closest people.. The less grounded I am, and the less aware I am, the more of a leaf blowing in the wind I am..

So if you are like me, loosing friends and alienating people because you have issues, its a good thing to lose them for a while, even if society in based on "popularity contests", by trying out not being populair and spending time alone, you most likely will find more of what you need to be happy for the rest of your time in this human suit.

I feel like I should not end here, beacuse what lead me to start writing was a thought of Erna Solberg and a horse transport wagon I saw today..

If we need more kids in the world, for the economy and for "taking care of us when we are old and scony", then shouldnt we at least make it a friendly place to want to come into?

Shouldnt humans that has found a mate, and that want to reproduce, at least have a psycology screening and a "are you capable of being a teacher and a loving example" tests? 

We have so much family stuff to deal with before we are ready to make new humans, and so many dont even think about this stuff, they just raise more hurt adults and it goes on and on.. 

We are not even taking care of our animals, our nature, our school teachings are from the stone age, our money system is not working anymore, our medical systems and hostpitals arent working, our mental health institutions are not working, the food game is weak... Even though I love the way everything is changing sloooowly, for me its too slow.. when we have all the info to make huge changes now, by embracing that what we have been doing for 2000 years IS NOT WORKING.

So in my opinion, Im adopting, because the kid is allready here, and I am knowlegable enough to help that kid out on navigating this world, but lets be honest, Im 31 yo, and I have a huge issue with finding and trusting a man, so will that be good for the kid? To just have one parent? Because from where Im standing, even though I was lucky to be born in a household that gave me the basic needs and a earth spot that has peace, the wars in our home and what I had to stand in alone, has not only broken me down to the core of my being, it has also put a life on hold and Ive ruined many parts of people on my way to this place because of that.. From a loving, trustworthy, happy, curious and capable human baby, came a broken, sad, spiteful, hateful and self destructive middle child, into drug abuse and sexual promiscous teen, into a mentally ill young adult, into a confused and shut down adult who tends to just wanna spend time alone with my youtube people, because there I can choose to be around people who I love and learn from, but its very lonely and one sided.. Cause to them Im just another subscriber who comments to feel connected, but to me, Im a valuable human being doing her best with what she has been given..

So for whoever reads this, I hope you find your people, your happiness and uncondtional self love and follow and share your bliss! <3