#like just say you dont want to empathize with anyone in an abusive home just say you dont like women.

[rustedpipe]

no because if you ever want to experience blind unspeakable rage watch all of lost and then go on the internet and see people talk about kate austen

[padawanlost]

Hi, I dont read alot (of books) but I was just wondering, did Anakin/vader ever see people he helped/freed (during his time as a jedi) being oppressed by the empire. Did he feel pity or sorrow for them? Or had he totally unplugged from those emotions at that point ?

No. Anakin was to broken to feel sorry for anyone but himself. People have this idea of Vader being a sadistic monster who thrived on the suffering he caused but the truth is he was too lethargic to care. He didn’t stay with Palpatine out enjoyment or even loyalty. He stayed because he had nowhere else go, no one else to be with.

You killed her because, finally, when you could have saved her, when you could have gone away with her, when you could have been thinking about her, you were thinking about yourself … It is in this blazing moment that you finally understand the trap of the dark side, the final cruelty of the Sith— Because now your self is all you will ever have. And you rage and scream and reach through the Force to crush the *shadow* who has destroyed you, but you are so far less now than what you were, you are more than half machine, you are like a painter gone blind, a composer gone deaf, you can remember where the power was but the power you can touch is only a memory, and so with all your world-destroying fury it is only droids around you that implode, and equipment, and the table on which you were strapped shatters, and in the end, you cannot touch the shadow. In the end, you do not even want to. In the end, the shadow is all you have left. Because the shadow understands you, the shadow forgives you, the shadow gathers you unto itself— And within your furnace heart, you burn in your own flame. This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker. Forever … [Matthew Stover. Revenge of the Sith]

What Vader appeared to be  - no fucks given BAMF – were very different from what he truly was: Palpatine’s slave. Vader, once you get to know him, is not a scary monster. He’s a quite pathetic and hopeless man.

He wasn’t a sadistic control freak like Palpatine and he didn’t *enjoy* hurting people he didn’t feel deserve to be hurt but he was too damaged and broken to do anything about it. he kind of just went with it.

In one of the comics, he has to face the truth that the Empire is enslaving people and he is upset about it. but he does nothing because there's nothing left in him. for him to pity them, he’d have to empathize with them and that’s something he couldn’t afford to do. He was too trapped in his own private little hell to feel bad for people.

Again the smile or snarl from his Master. “You were a traitor, were you not, Lord Vader?” Vader’s breathing caught on the hook of sudden anger. “What did you say?”

 “To the Jedi. To Padmé. To Obi-Wan. To all those you loved.” His Master turned to look at him, his eyes reflecting the flames. 

Vader didn’t know the answer his Master wanted to hear, so he simply answered with the truth. “Yes.” [Paul S. Kemp. Lords of the Sith]

If he couldn’t even care enough to defend himself from his master abusive behavior, I doubt he’d ever care enough to pity a stranger.

When it comes to Vader’s apathetic, one of the best examples I can think of is his ‘relationship’ with Drua. In one of the books, Vader and Palpatine are stranded. They run into a girl and Vader saves her life:

“Come here, girl,” the Emperor said, putting the power of the Force into his command. Unable to resist, the girl walked out of the tree line until she stood, small and vulnerable, before him. With preternatural speed the Emperor drew, ignited, and slashed at the girl with his lightsaber, but Vader had sensed his Master’s intent and moved with greater speed, igniting his own blade and intercepting his Master’s blow before it could land. The girl, under the sway of the Emperor’s power, seemed scarcely to notice the danger. She simply stood there, staring vacantly, her face aglow in the red light of the crossed blades. The Emperor’s mouth twisted in a snarl, and Vader felt his power gathering. Behind Vader, Deez raised his rifle and aimed it at Vader’s back, but Vader stretched his free hand back and unleashed a blast of power that lifted the guardsman from his feet and flung him into the trees. Branches cracked audibly under the impact of Deez’s body. Vader and his Master stared at each other across the sizzling glow of their crossed blades. “Has it come to this?” his Master said. He sounded calm, almost resigned, but not at all surprised. The tone surprised Vader. “Forgive me, Master,” he said, and deactivated his blade. “I think the girl can be of use to us.” [Paul S. Kemp. Lords of the Sith]

The girl, Drua, takes them to very home and does everything she can to help them. After everything was said and done, Palpatine orders Vader to kill her and everyone in her village. And Vader does it. Not because he wants it. but because he’s too apathetic to care. Too trapped in his toxic relationship with Palpatine to see things for what they really were.

“There’s work for that yet, my friend,” the Emperor said, nodding at the hilt of Vader’s blade.

 “Master?”

 “The villagers, Lord Vader. Drua and her people. We can’t allow so many witnesses to live. I’ll wait for you here.” 

Vader looked from his Master to the dark mouth of the mine inside of which Drua and the rest of the villagers had fled. He felt the Emperor’s eyes on him, the intensity of the gaze, the weight of his expectations, and Vader knew that the day’s events had been only half about depleting a rebel movement before it could grow. They had also, as Vader had suspected, been about testing him, forcing him to face the ghosts of his past and exorcise them forever and fully. He saw that more clearly now; saw, too, that his Master was right to administer the test. It also explained why his Master had shown so little of his true power throughout the day. Perhaps he’d wanted Vader to rely on himself to overcome the challenges they’d faced. Or perhaps he’d wanted to seem weaker than he was, to draw out any treacherous ambitions Vader may have held. “I hear and I obey, Master,” Vader said. He ignited his lightsaber and strode toward the cave, his mind drifting back to another day, a day when he strode into the Jedi Temple filled with nothing but younglings. He’d slaughtered them then, and he would slaughter the Twi’leks now. His Master’s laughter followed him into the cave, and it lingered in his mind, louder even than the screams of the Twi’leks as they began to die by his blade. When it was done, he returned to his Master’s side. “Well done, old friend,” Darth Sidious said. He wiped his hands, as if to clean them of dirt. “And now let’s move on to more important things.” [Paul S. Kemp. Lords of the Sith]

The only time Vader cared enough to influence his behavior was with Luke. All the other times, there were a glimpse of something – of the old Anakin – like when he saw C3PO or even Ahsoka. But not enough for him empathize with people.

Qui-Gon had a interesting theory about this. He believed Anakin – to survive – had to bury that side of him so Vader could exist. An Anakin who cares cannot be Vader. He buried all the good things about Anakin.

“Master, is Darth Vader Anakin?”

“Yes,” Qui-Gon’s voice replied. “Although the Anakin you and I knew is imprisoned by the dark side. […]The core of Anakin that resides in Vader grasps that Tatooine is the source of nearly everything that causes him pain. Vader will never set foot on Tatooine, if only out of fear of reawakening Anakin.” [Ryder Windham. The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi]

As terrible as life as Vader is, facing Anakin Skywalker’s decisions and living with them would be much, much harder. That’s why only when Luke demonstrated his unconditional love that Anakin allowed himself to reemerge.

Vader saw his son crying, and knew it must have been at the horror of the face the boy beheld. It intensified, momentarily, Vader’s own sense of anguish—to his crimes, now, he added guilt at the imagined repugnance of his appearance. But then this brought him to mind of the way he used to look—striking, and grand, with a wry tilt to his brow that hinted of invincibility and took in all of life with a wink. Yes, that was how he’d looked once. And this memory brought a wave of other memories with it. Memories of brotherhood, and home. His dear wife. The freedom of deep space. Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, his friend … and how that friendship had turned. Turned, he knew not how—but got injected, nonetheless, with some uncaring virulence that festered, until … hold. These were memories he wanted none of, not now. Memories of molten lava, crawling up his back … no. This boy had pulled him from that pit—here, now, with this act. This boy was good. The boy was good, and the boy had come from him—so there must have been good in him, too. He smiled up again at his son, and for the first time, loved him. And for the first time in many long years, loved himself again, as well.  [James Kahn. Return of the Jedi]

Vader didn’t hate the world. He hated himself.

And because of that he bury everything that was remotely good and positive about himself as deep as he could. So his behavior, his lack of empathy wasn’t about him being sadistic. He was simply too broken and trapped in a deeply abusive relationship to care for the world around him.

[queenieloveswriting]

Little orange bottles

A/N unedited little thing from a while ago, found loads of bits in my notes on my phone read this and though id post it let me know your thoughts ////hella old ngl sounds like shit srry ladsssss xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxTW--Abuse//Blood//Bad thoughs ig sorry not good w warnings sorry if this triggers anhyone 

*beep     beep     beep*

Your alarm rang through the room for what seemed to be the fifth time this morning.It was now 6:30am and school began in two hours unlike the majority of students in kildare county you enjoyed school and, your (only) friend pope definitely made it worthwile.You both loved school,people like his friends jj and John b didn’t like school.

Why are you awake at 6:30 again?....right!

You look over to yourself in your mirror and glance at your schedule sticky taped to the corner; 

*DAISYS SCHEDULE*

6:30-wake up

6:45-shower

7:00-get ready

7:20-read

7:50-breakfast/pillz 

8:00-head to Heywards

Obeying the list, you hopped into the shower and got yourself prepared for the day, brushing your teeth washing your face and applying a light amount of makeup. A tinted moisturiser, clear mascara and brow gel, In attempt to tame your wild hair you collected into a cute messy ponytail, breaking three hair bands in the possess. Putting your glasses on you choose your outfit, due to the heat you opted for something casual, a blue denim skirt with a black crop top and a oversized blue flannel top  covering  just to the bottom of you skirt 

You went downstairs and packed some fruit into your bag. Opting to take your breakfast as today's lunch, knowing Mrs. Heyward would invite you in for ‘leftovers’ from their breakfast. Shouting  goodbye to your mum who was no doubt still in bed exhausted from her night shift.

Running out the door grabbing your phone, headphones and favourite book ‘to kill a mockingbird’. I plugged in my headphones playing my ‘reading playlist’ and read as i walked up to heywards,occasionally looking up so I don’t walk into any unwanted attention. The third time checking your surroundings you realise you made it to popes in record time, because his mom came out ushering you and him in in for ‘leftovers’ .Pope rolled his eyes sending you   a silent apology. You didn’t mind though she was more a mother to you than your actual blood.

“Hey nerd "pope greeted you pushing your glasses up your nose 

“Hey geek” you replied, slapping his hands away, he pulled you into a quick hug and followed h8im and his mum into the kitchen.

“Whatcha reading this time?”he asked making you laugh slightly “Harper lee my friend” you replied  holding up your book as he rolled his eyes “why am I not surprised ,you know the book doesn't change right every time you read it "he asked playfully “I know pope, but it’s a classic and i don’t have enough to get a new book until my shift next week so I’m not complaining “you sassed

“Yeah you're know that I’ve said you can borrow my books anytime “he asked

“Yeah but you won’t let me write notes in the margins pope! "you explained “because what about MY notes “he exclaimed and you both erupted into laughter.God,you're such geeks you mentally sighed.Mrs.Heyward scolded at us both for arguing and gave us some pancakes and fruit.

Mr.Heward barged through the doors shouting about some ‘arrogant snotty kook man’ and turned around shily when he heard you and pope laughing. "daisy hey sweetheart you need me to save you or you alright?” he asked, referring to his wife’s overwhelming mothering. You shook your head quietly declining his offer, smiling you replied “no sir it's fine, "you laughed "Heyward you need any help with deliveries?” you asked hopeful as you needed to buy some things for school. Being a pogue you tended to have to fend yourself, plus it gave you something to do. “Sure do doll, tomorrow morning,7 sharp you’n’my boy can help out and pope make sure you ask that Maybank if he's helping out too, need to know who goes so y'all come back alive”he joked”thank you sir”you shouted as he was halfway out the door.Turning back round to pope “maybank?” you asked, raising your eyebrow hinting you had absolutely no idea who he was talking about,”my friend jj you know the blonde who gets into all the fights i told you about”he answered and you nodded,still searching for an answer ”he's coming tomorrow?” you quizzed “yeah probably,plus i think it's about time you met my friends they all think i made you up”he laughed”c'mon we've gotta eat then go”

As if on queue Mrs Heyward shouted at you from across the hall telling you to eat before it got cold.After scoffing your breakfast down,it was time to leave.After regular smothering from your second mother you left.

“Sorry about them”he mumbled 

“It’s fine it’s nice having the whole parents as parents thing you know”you said .Pope knew about your mom not being around or well really a mom.He said you could come round whenever assuring his parents you were just friends,they loved you.

He nodded”you know your welcome whenever”he said and you nodded again

“Yeah but anyways how you feeling today about mrs.spiky hairs test smartass”you joked “we gon ace it y'all ready know her tests are easy”he dragged 

“True I’ve got all a’s every time”you smirked 

“Yeah same but to be fair even my friend John b could pass them and he didn't know that there were two different there’s until junior year so....”

You laughed “wait I though that jj was the the dumb one”you asked “there both delinquents but gotta love em.I’m brains of the operation anyways it’s my thang ”he sang causing you to laugh at the way he pinched his shirt and pingged it brushing dirt of his shoulders “you should come to the party tonight and meet them if you want?”he asked and you shook your head “i dont know pope,party’s and me aren’t really a good thing you know how my anxiety gets in groups”you said and he nodded “i know it’s fine don’t worry about it but offers there when you want you could even come out just us on the pouge if you wanted “he offered “they really wanna meet me?”you asked “well they wanna meet MY competition “he challenged “not really a competition there bud” you teased patting his shoulder “but I’ll think about it yeah?”you offered “sounds good and here we are” you turned facing each other then back at the school making your way inside.

“Hey i told jj I’d meet with him just before first  lesson give him his homework see you there”you gave him a confused look “they go here?”he laughed “yeah didn’t i tell you”you shook your head no “sorry see you in 10 nerd”he waved “in 10 geek”you repli,ex

Waiting for class to start,you set up outside your classroom and put your headphones back in continuing your book. The vibration of the bell and stampedes of teenagers scurry to their first lesson , you ended up waiting for pope who practically ran down the hall and laughed when your eyes met.

 You went in taking your seats next to each other this happened up until break. then lunch you’d go to all your lessons together hang out at break,being antisocial in the library, but at lunch he’s always go off,with the pogues you assume,now knowing they go to your school.At lunch you go outside and walk to the bleachers and sit reading basking in the sun.

After your  last lesson with pope you both headed home together dropping him off at heywards halfway.

“Mom I’m home”you shouted slamming the door dropping the keys on the sideboard .After no reply you expected her to be at work so you got started on your homework so you could”relax” on the weekend.

It was now 6:30,and pope texted you telling you the party started at seven and the offer was still up before you could reply,you heard your door slam shut and you ran downstairs hoping you could talk to your mum,and catch up.

You see her figure reach for a cupboard that hasn’t been opened in years  left. this was bad.

“Hey mama how was work”you asked with a shaky breath 

She glared swigging the bottle 

“You know what sweetie “she spat “Mama don’t have to go to work an more you wanna know why because i got fired from work apparently they couldn’t handle me anymore,took to many people on,so sweetie work was fucking awful OK”she shouted 

“Oh mum I'm sorry what are you going to do i mean i think the heyw--“

“Oh shut up you’re so pathetic you know,I mean you inside on a Friday night? should you be out like a normal teenager huh?god”she scoffed 

“What mom I-“by now half the bottle was empath,being drank with such desperation 

“I’ll get another  job I’ve already got the heywards they can give me more time and an I-I’ll  get a side job we’ll be fine w-we have dads money too”

“Sont talk about hijm!It’s your fault your father left you fucking incompetent piece of shit you make everyone want to leave,no wonder you have no friends. I mean look at you your pathetic  you know these people in your books there not real DAISY god why can’t you just be normal you drove everyone away.this is your fault”

Tears were now threatening your eyes,but as you looked into the person infront of you,you didnt see sadness,you saw anger,you saw red. 

“Mum Im sorry i-ill-“

Before you could say anything she downed the rest of the bottle and threw it at you.glass smashing everywhere cutting you up.your whole arm started to bleed as you cried out in pain your mum hit you,ran out and slammed the door shut.

she hit you.hit you.you ran upstairs not bothering to protect  your arm wrapping  it up in an old shirt.you needed your best friend,you didn't have many friends but he was yours you knew that nothing anyone said could change your friendship 

So you called him running out of your house in todays clothes covered in blood like you’d been in a fucking horror movie 

“Heyyy daisy you change your mind”he answered the phone 

“Hey pope I-I need some help my mom a-are you still at a-at the p-party”you stuttered 

“Woah woah breathe daisy where are you I’ll come get you okay”

“I’m near the boneyard you still there I-I’m sor-ry f-for calling i didn’t kn—“

He cut you off “no shut up it’s fine where are you,are you hurt what happened?”

“My arm s-she h-hit b-bottle “

“Fuck where are you daisy “

“Oh-oh my god there’s so many people here”you were sure you were having a panic attack by now,-you could barely breathe

“Wait daisy I-i see you I’m coming okay wait there”

“O-okay”

Hanging up the phone you were now just balling your eyes out in pain and hurt. You curled up into a ball only looking up when you  could hear pope shouting in the distance.

“Shit daisy”he shouted 

“I’m sorry I didn’t know where to go,my mum she she my arm I- I”

Pope wasn’t unfamiliar to your panic attacks,usually being  the one to calm you from them,/

“Daisy breath okay”he stroked your hair making you look into his eyes 

“What happened “he asked and you showed him your arm “shit daisy that’s close to a main artery your losing loads of blood C'mon let’s get you cleaned up back at the chateau “you just nodded following him his hand holding yours hiding you from the people as you walked past. Arriving at a group of people probably his friends,the pogues,. As your vision begins to go hazy you think that maybe your mum was right you are pathetic .He was out on a Friday night ,I looked like the whole damn school was here.he has his life maybe he didn’t want to be your friend maybe he didn’t want to just hurt you .realizing you were fading out he shook you “shit daisy no no no “he cursed“John b keys I need the keys”you heard him say and they were saying something about him getting some “dude shut up this is daisy she’s hurt “you heard him say and all of them looked at you,but you couldn’t bring your eyes too meet them.Soon enough pope was dragging you away and towards a shack,the chateau.

He dragged you inside and you were sitting on the Island In the kitchen/living room,this was a home.

where was your home now?.

“Here lemme see ''he pulled your arm and started to work. It didn’t surprise you he was so good at this he was always good at first aid but this?

Lucky it wasn't on a actual artery but the blood made it look worse,acknowledging the fact you'd been so quiet,he spoke up “hey D look at me “he said pointing your chin up,looking at you straight in your eyes”what happened,when your ready”he asked.As your breathing steadied,you began to speak “my mom,she got back from work sh-she just lost her job a-and”you stuttered,pausing to collect your breathe 

“hey it’s okay take your time okay”he calmed you”she hasn’t drank since..”you stopped and he looked in your eyes.Pope knew all about your dad,leaving you when you were about to go into junior year,you never knew why but one day he was their next he wasn’t,pope helped you through it,when you began to get closer.

“Your dad?”he answers for you 

You nodded

“She said that it-it was my fault that he left and that she lost her job an”you gulped,recomposing yourself“How I push everyone away and that’s why I have no friends I mean let’s face it”laughiing a breathy laugh “she’s right”popes head snapped up “Daisy!you have me,D its okay I’m you best friend and you know she’s wrong okay now this is going to hurt”he assured you,before you could ask questions your arm burned up from the straight alcohol he’d put on your arm “FUCK POPE SHIT WARNING PLEASE FUCK”you shouted and he laughed,frowning when he came too “Sorry,shit this is bad daisy,like really bad,I dont know what to do,I can just wrap it up But ii think you should go to the hospital“he said and before you could fight,a deep voice filled the room.

“What the fuck is going on pope”curse from the back of the room.After observing the heaps of bloody tissues and your T-shirt laying next to you“What the fuck happened to her man,who is this?”he asked pope who looked up at you,asking the silent of’should i tell him’ you shook your head with pleading eyes 

Pity took over popes vision as he answered JJ’s question“Jj this is  daisy,daisy jj”he introduced you and you sighed,finally meeting the blue eyed boy with watery vision“hey,sorry we,urm, woke,you”you stuttered “oh i wasn’t sleeping princess”he winked causing you to furror your eyebrows at the boy you heard stories about ,following up to the elephant int he room.”what happened”he asked,re-observing your surroundings,eyes finally meeting your bloody arm “holy shit you gotta fucking c-cat or something”he demanded .Before you could awnser,a half naked girl stumbled out of his room,pouting

“oh you really weren’t joking when you said you weren’t asleep”you giggle then pope accidentally pressed to hard into your arm making you scream “fuck pope Jesus fucking shit”you cursed 

“Fuck I’m sorry but its clean and the plasters won’t do much but I’ll wrap it up anyways i still think you might have to go to hospital”you shook your head “no no no no  I can’t pope you know that”he sighed “look nerd you know where she cut look how close that is daisy okay” pointing to your bandaged arm jjs eyebrows furrowed in confusion

You tore away from his gaze to the the floors 

“Hey jj,what's taking so long sweets”his guest said,in a thick country accent causing him too sigh turning around going back into his room.You don’t know what he said but five minuets later she was storming out the rusted doors,huffing and puffing, and left and he walked back to you two 

“Sorry”you looked at him and his eyes softened.You were gorgeous and so innocent who would do this to you?.he asked himself”don’t be she was to Whiny anyways you saved me”you smiled ,slightly rolling your eyes at the player you'd been warned from.

“Daisy”pope snapped you back to reality “hospital?”

“Pope I can’t I-I’ll just go home and-“you babbled

”no no way you're not going back there daisy okay not if your moms like she is right now”he said under his breath in attempt to be secretive

“Your mom?”jj thought out loud and you just looked at him,mentally cursing yourself 

Ignoring the blondes “you know i can’t do that pope”you mumbled looking down. 

“Why”he snapped

“Because I live there pope”you paused,forgetting the blonde”you know and it’s not like this is new, you know it’ll blow over”you urged,trying to convince yourself 

“And what if i doesn't daisy”he quizzed” what are you going to do then”he asked causing you to freeze and stand in silence. 

You walked up and hugged him,stifling a sob.Skilfully dodging your arm,you let go of him and held his stare. 

“Pope,your my best friend, okay?Well my only friend. You know that, but you gotta understand why I’ve gotta go home,Besides, she’s probably not even in,she left straight after, she’s probably out okay”you insisted”I’ve got that job with you and your dad tomorrow I’ll see you okay”you insisted

After some silence he looked at you,”I’ll drive you home okay and if she’s there your coming back to mine”he hissed”You can crash in the couch like you did last time okay “he urged”let me just go talk to jj okay”he said leaving you in the kitchen ,now only realizing the blonde had left the room.After overhearing some not-so hushed whispers,pope came out followed by a blonde who carried an angered but also slightly pained expression that left you wondering what pope said in there.Did he tell him about your mum?

After snatching the keys from the side,where you left them,he led you guys into the van.You and pope got into the back and he and just hugged you there it was nice he calms you and you calm him .“Hey pope”you break the silence“Yeah”he returned“Sorry”you apologised“Stop”he spat.

You looked up to him,eyebrows arching up in confusion“What?”you pleaded,provoking him to roll his eyes and your tendency to apologise after any slight inconvenience“Doing it”he grumbled“Doing what”you urged,oblivious to what was annoying him“You always apologise,after everything”he answered letting out a slightly breathy laugh“Sorry”you laugh realising you already subconsciously apologised.“See what I mean”he tutted“Right but thank you”you pushed“Always nerd”he promised“Geek”you sassed,falling into a comfortable silence,enjoying who you considered your family now

“Hey daisy” he broke the silence

“Hm”you humed

“Did you take them today”he asked,you sighed

“I thought I’d be okay pope,i was i promise”you pleaded

“Daisy”he sighed

“I hate them pope,they make me feel so deflated,they make me feel  like a monster”you mumbled into his shoulder

“You have to take them daisy you know that”he scolded

“I’m know i Just”you paused

“I know”he cut in 

“I don’t want to be a monster anymore pope”

“Your not a monster daisy,i promise,you're amazing bub”he praised

Finally pulling up to your house,met with a cleaver driveway you turned back to pope who was checking for the same thing you were “see”you deflated”i'll be fine see you in the morning,7 sharp kids” you teases in his dad's warning tone 

“Daisy i still think you should come back to mine  i don't think you’ll b--”

You pleaded his anxious babbling with a kiss on the cheek”see you in the morning”you demanded and he sighed

You popped your head through to the front

“Thank you for the ride jj sorry about interrupting your night” you apologised and he smiled at you”no worries princess,we oughta be seeing you in daylight too though”he asked “maybe blondie”you winked giving pope one last hug before you made your way through the door,treading carefully,just to be safe.

[yungstallyns]

Honestly I’m having a cosmic stroke seeing people react to Dabi (when we haven’t even been able to see this arc reach it’s fruition!) and pulling out batshit takes like “oh y’all are excusing everything he’s done and bad Dabi bad Dabi bad Dabi you’re bad if you support Dabi” it’s honestly a little disturbing bc like I’ve said before I refuse to COMPLETELY judge how someone views real life based on one fictional character debate but. I’ve also seen a Lot of people say some really insensitive and Bad shit about how they talk about abuse and abuse survivors and mentally ill people and hmm. just don’t like that. as a survivor I have actually...felt a lot of these trauma induced thoughts! intrusive thoughts involving violence and hate! not to project on Dabi but I feel like there’s zero empathy for Dabi and what he’s gone through except from readers who are also abuse victims, but we’re forced to tack on endless disclaimers abt how murder isn’t ok to even talk about him. not a great look for people imho. plus a lot of translation meta is going around about how the villains are being portrayed as more cold and evil than they actually are, and how a lot of nuance is being removed, and hmmm just don’t like how people are willing to immediately jump the gun on things like that to try and hype up how evil a character is. dabi may be responsible for his actions yes but I feel like a ton of people are ignoring how endeavor is also responsible for being so horrifically abusive he drove multiple members of the family he basically bought into mental instability. — silver jackdaw

@silver-jackdaw

Honestly- I find it so surprising people are so quick to judge Dabi when we actually dont know much about him. Dabi as Touya was mentioned a handful of times, and we have gotten about 2 flashbacks of him. We genuinely know barely anything about his home life especially leading up to him faking his death, and the several years after. 

Yeah i also dont want to completely judge someone views in real life based on fictional character debates but alot of peoples take to me come off extremely insensitive and rude to abuse victims and mentally ill people. There is no thought put into those posts about how they might affect these real life people and its very sad imo. The lack of empathy for Dabi honestly disturbs me too i see alot of people saying hes not a relatable character or easy to empathize with and i dont see that. I see Dabi, he is a mentally unstable quirk disabled man and abuse survivor, everything he does- every choice hes making is influenced by his mental instability which is in direct relation to endeavor abusing him. The idea that Dabi just decided to be evil and made the choice to never get help rubs me the wrong way, especially when its mentioned the LOV are a group of rejects of society and i cant imagine it was so easy for Dabi to find help or have any faith at that point (After faking his death to get away) in anyone’s help.

I genuinely hate that fact people need a disclaimer of “I dont condone murder” if you so much as say one thing about dabi, and if you dont put it there people take it as invitation to judge your morals and call you murder apologists and sexually harass you in your inbox or notes. Its honestly disgusting people see metas about Dabi and his abuse/ mental state/ character as a whole by people who clearly sympathize and/or empathize with him (esp those who are abuse survivors and/or mentally ill) and immediately get harassed and unrelated comments about how “Dabi is still evil”. Like there really is never a reason for it and im sure everyone who has talked about dabi with out a disclaimer or in a positive way has had to deal with these past weeks as chapters come out will agree on that.

As for the nuance being lost in translations i really do believe that based on the comparison of Viz translations and the innitial translation on the chpaters when they first come out. Alot of the translations that go around before the Viz ones come out feel more emotional and feel like they have more weight to them where the official ones do come off harsher and leave me feeling somewhat unsatisfied more than anything. SO i wouldn't be surprised if the Viz translations made antagonists seem more evil and apathetic than they should be

And ofc my disclaimer lol-  youre absolutely right, Dabi  responsible for his actions BUT the willful ignorance of Endeavor having a direct hand in why Dabi is this way is ridiculous- its laughable really. There is no denying that Endeavor and his abuse is the direct reason for Dabi’s mental instability that effects all of his choices, Dabis choices are his own but dont be mistaken and believe Endeavor is somehow completely innocent bc of that, bc he’s not. 

[ravenaveira]

Okay I get why you might not like Alisha from ToZ, but you hate /Luke/?????? I cannot understand. Why do you hate Luke I gotta know

Ok Im gonna be honest and admit Im a little biased when it comes to Luke, and when I say little I really mean ALOT lol I’ll explain

First off he started off pretty bad but I could already tell he was going to develop as his journey went on and I was right, I was really proud of his development and growth. But then he got all those people killed, ignoring everyone who tried to warn him because of his arrogance which caused everyone to hate him for a short time and rightfully so, hell I was pissed at him still even AFTER they forgave him.

But after he cut his hair and really resolved to change and actually put in the effort, I started to like him again, I really admired his growth and that he acknowledged he screwed up instead of continuing to make excuses for it, he effed up, he realized his mistake and took responsibility for it and worked hard to change. It reminded me somewhat of Zuko’s redemption arc in Avatar with how he kept messing up at first but then realized where he went wrong and did his best to change, I respect that.

So how did I grow to dislike Luke after all that? well as I said Im very biased against him for one reason and one reason only.

Asch

Now from the very beginning we know theres more to Asch than meets the eye, theres a reason he and Luke look so much alike but we just dont know what yet, then when we find out things only get worse from there as we slowly find out his backstory and what happened to him. It was so bad it actually made me dislike Luke because he essentially took literally EVERYTHING from him, although unknowingly the fact is he still stole Asch’s entire life.

His fiance, his kingdom, his best friend, his parents, even his name, literally everything. Asch was kidnapped and forced to go through agonizing experiments to create that replica Luke that they used to replace him and take over his life while Van continued to use and abuse Asch for his own gain. And what happens when Asch finally escapes and makes his way home? he sees his family and friends all moved on happily with his replica, that was beyond sad and hard to watch.

So where my bias comes in is that I like Asch more than I like Luke, why? because Asch is the original and he also just has a way more interesting backstory and personality compared to Luke who pretty much had it made his entire life and took it for granted, replica or not Luke still had it far easier than Asch did. His only real struggle was trying to have his own identity while Asch was trying to cope with having his stolen, which was a far more compelling dilemma in my opinion that I felt could have used more focus.

There was even one point in the game where everyone was against Luke and spent time with Asch in his place for a while and it just felt awkward, Guy and Natalia were originally friends with him, not Luke but at the end of the day, Guy sides with Luke and basically ditched Asch for the copy, which Asch even says he expected him to do. Even so, Guy siding with Luke over him clearly hurt him since that WAS originally his friend, even Jade points it out.

Yes its understandable since he spent more time with Luke after Asch was taken but at the same time it just felt like nobody really gave much thought to Asch’s situation and that somehow Luke was just far more important than Asch even though he’s the original whose life was stolen from him. To me, Asch was just treated beyond unfair and he just accepted it because he felt like he was inferior and had no place with them now. Just the charred remains of who he once was.

Natalia at least made the effort to reach out to Asch more than anyone else did and understood him even though he pushed her away, at least she was the only one who truly tried to console and reach out to him over the ordeal whether he accepted it or not. Luke did too but to be honest thats the LAST person he wanted to listen to for obvious reasons.

Yeah Asch pushed them away but nobody but Luke and Natalia actually took the time to see things from his perspective and tried to empathize with him, he was literally all alone through everything so its understandable why he has such a hard time with ‘teamwork’.

His attitude, like Lukes, is completely understandable when you look at their upbringing. Luke was royalty and behaved like an arrogant spoiled brat because of his privilege and lack of knowledge about the real world, so him being an asshole at first makes sense.

Asch was cold and impersonal at first because he was being groomed to be the ruler of Kimlasca but was also treated coldly by his father, then he was kidnapped at a very young age and experimented on to create a replica that completely highjacked his life and took all his friends and family away from him. So for him to be cold, distant, apathetic and rude makes total sense given what he’s been through, why wouldnt he be resentful towards Luke especially but everyone else too? he felt abandoned and forgotten and worst of all replaced, who wouldnt feel bitterness after that? in many ways, he even felt inferior to Luke which only rubbed salt in the wound.

But even with all of that, ALL OF THAT, I still liked both but just liked Asch more, however, something happened that made it impossible for me to like Luke anymore and forever hate him for it.

Asch dies, and Luke lives, that is unforgivable.

Now listen, I know it was foreshadowed but there were several things that happened that made this impossible to accept. Starting with the fact that near the end of the game all the replicas were supposed to die, keyword ALL so that includes Luke, so it was also foreshadowed that Luke would die as well. Asch from the side effects of the replication and Luke because replicas tend to be unstable and fall apart eventually which is why formicry was banned, yet in the end, only Asch dies and in one of the worst ways possible

He lived in constant pain and suffering both physical and emotional and now he dies in excruciating pain and suffering too, why? protecting Luke, and not just that, but from an experiment he never signed up for and was forced to go through, that was beyond unfair and unforgivable.

His whole life he has lost and sacrificed everything, EVERYTHING because of Luke, not only could he not live his own life but he couldnt even die his own death either. Luke got to live his life and got to escape his death and he’s the friggin replica who was supposed to die with all the rest, make that make sense to me.

The original dies but the fake lives even though its said replicas are unstable and doomed to fall apart eventually and we see it happen to every single human replica except for Luke, I just cant accept that.

They even have the nerve to leave the ending ambiguous where it sort of seems like Luke and Asch fuse and its left open-ended where you could assume its Asch or Luke but we all know its Luke because he goes directly to Tear in the end which doesnt make sense for Asch to do if it was him so Im just…UGH!!!!

So you wanna know why I dont like Luke? because he got to have everything Asch lost, he took everything from him and Asch literally gets nothing in the end, everybody moved on, Asch couldnt go back, Asch was slowly dying anyway from the experiment and Luke just gets to have everything in the end. He stole Asch’s life and in the end, he gets to keep it while Asch just dies protecting his copy, I just cannot accept that.

Its just unfair that Asch had to give up everything and Luke has to give up nothing, he really doesnt lose anything in the end, only Asch does. I know that sounds weird and a little sadistic but it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth ya know? the original dies having everything taken from him while the replica lives on with virtually everything? did Asch really get anything besides suffering in the end? no, thats where my hatred stems from.

So yeah my hatred for Luke stems from my bias for Asch, its not so much that Luke did something BAD that made him unlikeable but more like the ending the creators chose made me dislike him because I found it unfair and wanted Asch to have a happy ending too after all he’s been through but in the end, he dies because of something he had no control over and was forced to go through while Luke gets to go on living happily with everyone in the life Asch will never have, that is unacceptable.

So yea sorry this is so long but I wanted to go over how my admiration and respect for Luke turned to hate, its really of no fault of his own but the ending itself. I also hate that the fandom prefers Luke over Asch or even hate him when he’s the victim of so much but eh to each their own, but that just saddens me that even amongst the fandom Asch gets the short end of the stick while Luke gets all the praise.

Long story short this game just destroyed me lol which is why its my favorite Tales of games in the entire series despite my hatred for the ending, it was such a rollercoaster of emotion and pain that it really stands out from all the other Tales of in the series and IMO Tales of the Abyss is the best out of them all thus far and will always remain one of my top favorite games of all time. It’s such an underated gem.

[optimisticcapricorn]

Hi I'm having a hard time and dealing with abuse, I really want to move out of my parents home but i dont have money :( (i'm 19) what should i do? Could you give me some guidance? Z ♑ + Favorite song rn: Done by CL🎵

Hi Z!💛

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing- this is such a difficult and confusing place to be!💛💛💛 This is mainly advice from my own experiences and also the social worker in me chiming in! This is going to be long and I hope you don’t mind me sharing just in case anyone may be experiencing similar things!!

Being financially dependent in abusive situations is sooo frustrating and hard! I have a few questions for you actually if you would feel comfortable messaging me privately relating to if you are in college/university? Are you able to physically distance yourself or are you living at home all year?

Making your own space/Releasing

Some things that I did when I wasn’t able to physically get away from abusive situations with family was make my own space- I don’t know if you have your own room, but even if you just have a space you can go to that is yours and gives you time to decompress like a backyard or basement, etc. try to make more time for yourself and your mental health in this way!💛 What are your coping mechanisms? I used music so much during hard times- what helps you to release and feel better that doesn’t harm you or others? Do you journal, dance, practice yoga or meditation? Try to make time each day for whatever this may be!💛💛💛

Friends and Family: Who can you turn to?

Do you have close friends or family members who live nearby? It may help to have another physical space to go to when times get really hard!💛 This can be someone you feel safe with and deeply trust! Who is in your circle that you can vent to and feel heard, loved, and supported by?

Finances/Making Plans

Financially, are you able to work? If not, no worries- if your goal is to move out on your own I highly encourage you to seek out employment and make a plan to save and put money every time you get a paycheck to your apartment/house goal- this may take a while but having even a plan can give you piece of mind in this way!💛 Is there someone who you can see as a potential roommate? Have you been able to look into rent wherever you would like to move to? Make your plan as detailed as you would like!✨

Community Building

I also would highly recommend activities outside of the home such as volunteering or sports! Is there something that you’re interested in and would feel comfortable participating in? If this is something you can see yourself doing, definitely look into opportunities- this can also be a wonderful way to increase your community and not feel as isolated as abuse tends to make us feel!💛💛💛

What the cards have to say

The 10 of Wands came out for you and this is such a heavy and seemingly permanent feeling- I am sending you sooooo much love- I can empathize so heavily!💛💛💛

The Ace of Cups also came out which is a beautiful card of wish fulfillment and literally new beginnings related to love and home!!!✨💛✨ I hope this is a comforting sign for you that you can rise above this!!💛

YOU ARE LOVED

Z, I do not know the nature of the abuse you are facing but I am going to provide a link below for a hotline just in case! I hope that you have someone you can go to where you live or y’all things out with as well; even if it’s just friends who are able to hear you out! Any type of abuse whether is be verbal, physical, sexual, financial, etc. can be so damaging to our self perception and life goals/dreams! Abuse is never okay and you are validated in your feelings whatever they may be! Your healing journey from abuse will be full of ups and downs, forgive yourself and practice self-compassion! You are loved and appreciated and so worthy of beauty, stability, and genuine love in your life!💛💛 Sending soooo much love and good energy to you Z and please know you can always get in touch with me through my DMs if you would like to connect more!💛💛💛

https://www.thehotline.org

[haloud]

episode 8 rewatch thoughts

yes im doing this because alex manes is a legend

holy shit isobel’s opening monologue in this episode is chock-full of meaning

“safety is so easy to take for granted. especially when you grow up loved.” as a picture of young max with a trophy transforms into michael’s mugshot

jesse has max’s house under full-on surveillance. hope someone did something about those cameras or else there’s going to be footage of noah and of michael throwing max out the window

“safety is a feeling you only value once it’s been stripped from you ... or worse, when the thing that makes you unsafe isn’t an invader at all.” isobel :(

lmao i cant even watch the scenes with mrs evans 

kyle bought liz a cactus! get you a man tbh

also fast forwarding through the noah scenes >:’(

jesse talking about “it’s not safe” and “for your own good you need to leave” shut the fuck up u bitch eat crutch

ok so like im not sure how we’re supposed to interpret some stuff like how much is isobel and how much was noah all along but it’s kind of super fucked up that isobel almost made kyle a murderer

i love a sassy guerin

“according to my mom, you were a little terror drawing [the symbol] all over the walls at the group home” maxwell you are on thin fucking ice with me rn

tho i do like that max recognizes that he’s forcing normalcy so goddamn hard someday it might just be true. love 2 b self-aware

i’ve talked shit about michael’s psychic connection coming and going with no indication why, but maybe this time it wasn’t actually psychic? like, if max and isobel are biologically related, maybe their electrical signals are the same and that’s why only max felt hers disappearing/felt cold and weird.

alex <3 <3 <3 <3

he’s all at once scary, incredibly competent and hot, and adorable in this scene ldjfdlkfjld l e g e n d 

iz, if you want kyle to take his shirt off all you have to do is ask

michael yeets discretion out the window

michael i know ur going through a lot rn but also i feel like liz is good for one (1) free slap after this scene lmao

i am Very Troubled that jesse knows alex has the ship piece

i wanna know what alex’s conspiracy chat room handle is

“finally, i called mom.” this sentence literally haunts me i NEED to know more about mama manes. alex certainly doesn’t sound happy about it but he still knows how to contact her??? what is the deal

you’re the flaw, dad ^-^

can i just say i love a storyline with an abusive parent where the emotional manipulation just straight up does not work. alex is having none of it god he’s an icon

“i want to destroy the thing you love. and i want to make you watch”

and then the picture of michael pops up

“so like i said. i’m trying to protect you.”

JESSE MANES DIE PAINFULLY CHALLENGE

the cinnamon topography

god jesse is a good fucking villain

let! liz! and! michael! be! friends!

“max may not see you, but i do.” yes!! liz is fucking dangerous!! it’s fucking fantastic!!!! 

the thing is, though, that max may see her as the smart, gorgeous, loving, brilliant girl next door, and he may overlook how dangerous and determined and righteous and terrifying she can be, but the thing is that she’s both

REAL LOVING LIZ ORTECHO HOURS

michael bb dont cry

equals in both science and twisting the knife guerin + ortecho bffs 4ever

i wanna know what’s under the tarp

michael telling liz he doesn’t even blame her for wanting isobel dead, confessing that they made liz leave so she has all the facts...he knows that he’d destroy anyone who took his siblings from him and he empathizes with liz despite his own pain and fear. this is the content. this is what we gain from the characters all being well into adulthood. god this episode is fucking good.

there’s probably some good stuff in these mrs evans scenes but i juuuuuust can’t

don’t...really know what we’re supposed to take away from noah punching the mirror tbh. maybe he’s pissed/freaked out that the serum even exists?

i am a kyle valenti stan first and a human second

still fucked up that if isobel had died she would have made kyle kind of a murderer?? izzy, girl, please never do that again

“blinded by your perversions” DIE

also love how rnm doesn’t make jesse Just Misguided like that he attacked michael bc he thought he was an alien that would hurt alex nope! he’s just a homophobic monster on an unjustified crusade! all villains think they’re the heroes but that’s not the same as gray morality and i’m so fuckin amped to watch a show that understands that

tear the bitch apart, alex!!!!!

maxwell :((((((((

maxwellllllll :(((((((((((((((((

alex handing his father back his gun is still the biggest dick move anyone has ever done like. good fucking lord. 

alex won’t be caught off guard, though. he knows that he hasn’t seen the last of his father. he knows that winning the battle isn’t the same as winning the war.

the scene where isobel is coated in silver is beautifully shot tbh

liz is a GODDESS.

A GODDESS

“besides, you and I weren’t meant to be together” isn’t that far off from a lot of the stuff malex has said/that’s been said about them, and we see how long that lasts. everything’s gonna be fine, y’all

jesse tryna get jenna to inform on alex DIE

i simultaneously hope that michael/maria is over quickly and that they can still be friends, because they were honestly pretty good in this episode

so the takeaway from this episode is that if anyone tries to say roswell is badly written turns out they’re completely wrong

[hell0mega]

probably meaningless rant lol

my sister has been having a really hard time recently. a local survivors/abuse callout group with 15k followers recently outed a serial abuser (like 40+ women) and it even ended up on the news. she doesn't know the guy but she's posted about the men she's had troubles with in the past on there. but the page suddenly shut down and even deactivated and no one knew what was going on, and this recent guy seemed scary enough to maybe do something to them, so she was worried.

turns out it was internal and a woman that got involved in the organization was an abuser herself. not sexually but in a power and manipulation kind of way. so to save themselves the creator just shut it down. it's been a tumultuous time for online activism, which she says she's had a lot of fun doing, but i don't know if what she experiences should be considered "fun"

she fell headfirst into sexual activism and positivity and Instagram psychology where everything is a "trauma response." she's gone through a lot of trials and tribulations in her life (she's 10 years older than me so completely different world) and the experiences she shared were in fact traumatic.

but it's made me think about how i deal with things from my past, and... I've definitely had traumatic experiences and both my past relationships were toxic as hell. i have an inate aversion to sex on top of my asexuality because of how they treated me. I'm sex positive and I'm theory like sex but initiating makes me scared. you can argue that i was lucky that they didnt push harder, or that i was strong in not giving into their tactics, but it still harmed me. and ive had to deal with it and realize these things still effected me and have talked to my bf about it at length (not exactly many details, but the kinds of things they did or SAID and how it effected me)

but i think im just at a point where i, at the very least CURRENTLY, dont feel burdened by my past. and maybe that's just because im so separated from it, having been quarantined for almost a year now and focusing on school and my home life. i think it helps that my bf is so supportive and is nothing like my exes, while my sister's even-longer bf is having trouble being there for her, which im mad about.

she described something that's been happening a lot lately and it was textbook dissociation. unlike me, who was in a near-constant state of it for a couple months, hers comes and goes, which i almost feel might be worse. it's like a switch turns on and off in her head, usually in response to something she reads, thinks, or does. and i do empathize with her there as i am also one to dissociate as a stress response (not recently, but i did go through a long period like i said) so i was able to give her some good explanations as to what was happening and advice on how to get out of it.

but she also is asking me advice about how to deal with PEOPLE. girl you're the adult here, whomst has had many many jobs and actually likes (or liked, rather, considering the pandemic) traveling and going out to have fun and socialize. i literally had to tell her "i dont really talk to people" when she asked for my input on something. and i just feel so disconnected to that problem and that mindset of WANTING to reach out, wanting to engage in things. and i don't know why.

I'm literally a communications major and i do LIKE to talk to people. i love talking to people and communicating... in real life. the more i think about it the more i realize how much i fucking hate trying to communicate over text. and i don't mean with friends, but it seems like whenever i try to comment on something, or respond to someone, or say just anything, there's someone that takes it out of context, or just doesn't have fucking reading comprehension or something despite me if anything over explaining my point. i hate social media (which is why that WON'T be my degree concentration, I'd rather die) despite me consuming it so often. but i just feel like there's no critical thinking. people need to say what they think the second they think it.

and this might make me sound like a boomer or something but boomers are the worst at this. it might make me soundhippie dippie that I'd rather talk to someone in real life than on Twitter or some shit.

this is where it stopped me from typing lol. as if anyone is reading this. anyway i guess I'm just... weirdly numb right now. and not in a no-feelings depressed kind of way, but in an... unburdened way. like i empathize and I'm not rolling my eyes out being apathetic towards any heartbreak happening that i read. but when i reflect on some things from my past that i feel like i probably havent healed from... i dont feel... anything?

is that my brain protecting itself? do i have enough on my mind already that my brain is making me not dwell on the past? is that a thing? i just feel... nothing when i think about bad past stuff, right now, to the point where i stupidly wonder why people "let" their past effect them. as if my past hasn't ever effected me or changed who i am ultimately.

I'm also weirdly disconnected from my past self. i don't have a lot of memories of my past that i can recall without something to remind me. i don't know how i acted, i don't know how i said things. then i see videos or pictures and I'm... still me. i act the same, talk the same, think the same. my hair is different but I've had the same face my whole life. is this a coping mechanism? I've always been like this

i don't know where i was really going with this. i guess I'm just dealing with a lot, including my sister's emotional issues, which she's never leaned on me before with until now. she called me 3 times in one day... we talked for 2 hours today. i replied to her innocuous message on ig and she called me cuz she saw that i was active on my phone.

I'm fine with it now but I'm worried I'll get to the point where I'll not open her (unrelated) messages or avoid putting stuff in my ig stories in order for get to not know I'm online/not busy. I'm not near that point yet but I've had to do that in regards to other people in the past and it's such a sucky feeling. I've never had to do it to family and i hope i don't feel that way. i hope she feels better from therapy for both our sakes

i don't think I'm gonna read this over so sorry for any spelling mistakes as I'm on my phone and autocorrect be playin

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

ALL THE ASKS

Ok sure but this’ll be long so a readmore it is:-

Kirk: Tell me about a time you had to take a leadership role.

A few times. I ended up organising quite a lot of stuff with the costume team with my last couple of shows. I quite often end up taking on leadership roles at events and things because nobody... seems... to want to? And so stuff doesnt get done and we talk around things until I or someone else goes “Ok here is what we are doing.”

I think I did it most on the first show I worked on, and I hated it. I basically kept chasing people up on what they were doing and what they should be doing and kept snapping at one girl to leave jobs that werent hers well enough alone. (She kept fucking up the organisation of the costume rail). 

Spock: What kind of sacrifices have you made for others?

I left university for a year to look after my mother... despite the fact she would do a lot of shitty things. I’ve... sacrificed a lot for other people really but I dont know...

I’ve lived to regret a lot of them.

Uhura: Talk about the moment you were the most proud of yourself.

Honestly getting my 98% on my graded unit final this year.

This represents so much. 3 years ago I was depressed, directionless, I’d been unable to work because I was so emotionally low and trying to deal with my alcoholic mother. And then 2 years ago people told me to get out. People told me to study to do something, to escape.And... I did?

I haven’t done well in exams since high school when my cousin died and everything went to shit. But this year I got 98% on a unit in the highest level qualification I’ve done to date. I’m still depressed, I still struggle but my god look at me now. Im taking care of me.

Bones: Describe your closest relationships.

Complicated haha.

Jem - my partner is great. They understand me perfectly, excellent dinosaur nerd. We might not always agree, but we also agree that might be a good thing. We can talk about our problems and thats more than I could ask for.My family - do not get on with me a lot. Its still a relationship and an important one even if its not a good one. They shaped who I am and I just hope im not too much like their negatives. If anything I want to take my mothers (occasional) open-mindedness, My fathers self reflection and my brothers desire to learn and understand all people and things. 

My friends - I have a few, and the ones Im closest to should know who they are. Im very grateful to them for being there. For understanding. I don’t know where I’d be without friends like that, old and new.

Sulu: What is your relationship like to the world around you?

The world is a struggle but I’ll get there.

Chekov: How do you support your friends?

I try to be there, ask what they need and give it to them if I can. Im not always good at that. I like to find solutions and a lot of people dont want them... I’m working on that.

Scotty: Talk about a time you succeeded (or failed) in fixing a major problem.

I’m really not sure. On the last show run I did for class the dryer wouldn’t dry the clothes in time for the next show. But we uh... didnt fix that problem. We tried, I got us a bunch of hairdryers and we had a go at doing them that way. Tried pressing them dry and all sorts but uh... nope, actors went on stage damp. They were nice enough about it but I still felt bad ^^

Chapel: What have you gained, or what consequences have you faced, from pursuing your passions?

My passions so far have been “Get out of that house your parents live in” and so far I’ve succeeded. The cost? Im constantly looking for places to spend the holidays - friends who might be willing to take me because Im terrified of spending stuff like christmas alone...

Rand: How do you stay positive in bad situations?

Hahahahahahahahaah I dont.

seriously tho the worse the situation the better I am at dealing with it. I sorta... shut off emotionally and get through whatever needs getting through. I got hit by a car and I handled that. I lived in an abusive household and just emotionally switched off. Its immediately after the bad situation that I struggle. 

Enterprise: Tell me when/where you felt most at-home, like you belonged.

When I get there I’ll tell you. I cried last christmas because my friends made me feel so welcome... they just accepted me into their home, let me sit with them while the kids unwrapped presents. It... was so nice...

Khan: Tell me about a person you would do anything to protect.

I’m glad to say I’ve not been in a situation where I’d need to. I trust the people I care about, I’ve seen them protect themselves. I dont want to imagine a situation where the cant and I somehow can. The people i love are far stronger than I could ever hope to be.

Corbomite: What's the worst lie you've ever told?

“Seriously it doesnt hurt too bad I just tripped down some stairs.” ugh gives me shivers.

Deneva: Have you ever lost a loved one? How did you grieve?

My cousin died when I was 14. He was more like a brother to me really. I remember when I was told that he was dying and I literally couldn’t breathe. I vaguely remember someone holding onto my shoulders while I gasped in air. I then didnt cry until his funeral where I sobbed like a baby.Everything is a blur after that. Time got muddled in my head. I dunno if I ever stopped grieving completely. Still hurts like hell.

Empath: Talk about the time you needed someone the most. Did they come through for you?

Honestly people are there for me a lot, and they always try even if they dont succeed. But I needed someone through my transition and it just... didnt happen. I didnt need anyone specific but I needed or wanted SOMEONE. 

I’ve done this alone, I’ll continue doing it alone and that hurts. But I know it hurts people like Jem too. I know they want to be there almost as much as I want them to be. Sometimes its not a matter of how much we want things though.

Psi 2000: What are you really like, under everything?

Insecure, self reflective though not really sure if my analysis is correct. I think a lot of what you see is what you get tbh?

Horta: What do you do when you feel lonely and isolated?

I message everyone I know on facebook, skype and tumblr then hope someone will answer. Theres about 3 people maybe 4 who I know I can be blunt with. who I can just say “Im lonely please pay attention to me” It helps a lot. When that fails though I just try to sleep.

Talos IV: What would you do if someone you loved betrayed you?

Been there done that, numb to it now. It hurts but I’ve learned you can move on, learned you can meet someone knew who you can love and be loved by for a while (not saying romantically here). Losing people is a lot less frightening.

Organia: How do you react when you're proven wrong?

Depends on how? Attitude says a lot. If I’m politely corrected I might be interested and want to know more. If its super critical and about why Im a failure in every capacity I’ll be equally antagonistic. 

Farragut: Has something ever happened to you that you just can't let go?

Physical abuse, my cousin dying. Im not good at letting go of trauma. I wont ever forget that my little cousin harry looks up to me the same way I used to look up to David though. I strive to be what David was to me, for Harry, as much as I can.

Shore Leave: Describe your ideal life.

Somewhere to live, financial stability - moderate happiness and peace.

[11toe11-blog]

Golden eggs and things like that

Aum.

I enter gently to understand and illuminate. Guide me past temptations of power and greed into insight and wisdom. 

___

The right shoulder feels heavy. So does the heart. The throat clenches a bit. The back of the neck is tight. I notice the breath and it deepens. Some previous walls seem less perceivable.

It feels like a time when some portals are active and lifetimes of memories are colliding for resolution.

Its impossible. No . it is only possible for us to continue on this if we are connected to our simplest, most essential..essence… Because thats what connects us. The narratives that run through us place us far far apart as the other.

L. Is that what triggered this? Or is something else?

It was my sisters birthday the day before. And the possibility of R having fallen sick and my not being able to tell anyone or ask for any support.  And the whole family had gotten together, i felt no shared joy. 

This combination of isolations are triggering memories. And in anticipating pain, i am acting out. Inviting it in. I can see that.

There are many things unresolved in my relationship with my sister. It is obvious. Cant deny it. Envy. Guilt. All of that. Unsure of how to relate. Disagreement. Power struggles.

Pain surfaces. No way out other than through it. 

Memories of being bullied, of being the weird one, the feeling of being rejected after the birth of my sister. Maybe i harbored that somewhere, which is why i ended up treating her the way i did, even though i loved and continue to love her immensely.

Because i dont think i was competitive at all, not striving to be first in class or anything, till my sister was born. In my lower KG i was naturally bright. Shifting schools 1st and 2nd, i dont particularly remember much. I wasnt compared to anyone by mom. Dad was the comparer. Maybe he was compared.

I suppose 1st 2nd is when i began to experience social pressure. And with G, is probably when it got competitive. A fight for attention, is a fight for affection,  which got worse, as the family’s financial and mental health plummeted. Physical abuse, sexual abuse..i notice that in this narrative I have used the word abuse..i am usually looking at it as an early sexual encounter. But which ever is the voice that is writing today feels like it was impacted by the incidents.. Everything coincided with the birth of my sister, now when i think back.

Shame and guilt hangs heavily on my shoulders. Like a cloak. I can feel it brushing against my arms.

It feels like there is nothing i can do but notice it.  Very helpless. I dont want to be helpless. I straighten up and remind myself that - i dont have to make it go away. I have to notice it. When i want it to go away is when i become helpless. If my role is to observe it - i am doing it quite well, quite perfectly. *

I am reminded of K speaking about shame. I empathize in this moment.

When we feel we that we are not supposed to be feeling it, that i should have let it gone - its another round of failure to deal with. “ oh! I cant even let it go.” Another disappointment - like i had one job and i couldnt even do that. 

But what if my job was not to let it go. And be all empowered?

What if my job was only to observe - understand this shame. Feel it, give it space and observe it? Not to change it. Polish it. Dress it up to look smart and suave. Cook it. Make it tasty. None of that. Just notice it, for as long as it is there.

Well that sounds like something ican do. Simply. Not easily maybe, but simply. 

Not simply, maybe. But easily. 

Much less scope for disappointment. And something i feel i ccan do, and i am doing quite decently. 

Sudden spike in self worth

The sky is bright blue today. 

I had noticed yesterday in the body scans, that when they ask me to feel line of the spine, and i cant or its dull in space. I force myself to imagine a line. Than notice what is already there. I force the imagination, somewhat guilty...not somewhat - just plain guilty that i am not feeling what i am supposed to be be feeling. That i should be doing work, i am being lazy thats why i am not perceiving it, all of that. Which may have part truths. But are Catch 22s. I cant notice the line ever unless i start with noticing what is already there. I cant notice what is already there because i feel i cant perceive the line i am supposed to be seeing. Supposed to! As opposed to what is. Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision as opposed to all that i al supposed to include. Please! Kindly!

Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision and deeply enough, that at somepoint, on its own, the rest of it will emerge. 

I guess this is my biggest point of contention with L’s tone and kind of politics that is her work. Very “supposed to”. And hence all the more divisive. Not something one wants, particularly now. The invitation to deepen and acknowledge ones seeing, is welcome. To berate for what one doesn't see, is very 3rd grade damaging elementary school teacher in repeat. 

Hence probably my general feeling towards her work. And somewhere definitely understanding that she is in her own process and will continue to grow and evolve and all that. But the screeches are not what i need right now. 

Maybe they are. 

And thats why they have shown up in my orbit. To engage with. I dont have to change the way i feel. So much pressure. Just knowing and noticing that this is how i feel is good enough. 

To articulate it out aloud is the next step. Thats turning actor from observer. More like being actor and observer simultaneous. Thats  the leap. Will happen when it has to.

No pressure to turn saint. No pressure to change a feeling. No pressure to change. Nothing. Just noticing what ever is , is the work. Where is then room for disappointment and low self worth?

A scene played exceptionally well. And a disaster of a scene are both well withing the frames of observation. And both make great viewing material for insight. 

I know this. I have known this vantage. 

“All the world is a stage”!

Yup.

Envy is my nemesis at this point. And every other thing is fuelling it one way or the other. 

Watching Ka give a spellbinder was beautiful, at the same time pointed to personal inadequacies. G at home with Is for birthday underlined all the support she had and i dint. R inviting LP for a session meant he didn't see things the way i did and i had no ally, isolation. The idea of a session with LP translated to the whole giant suitcase of sibling rivalry being projected along side the bundle of political difference, and huge ego dents because i see my position to be far more nuanced, experienced and evolved compared to hers. Because we met once and she never connected back since - strong feeling of rejection- and a reinforcement of sibling rivalry. Trust R to throw a deep one.

All this is just from my vantage. 

Who knows how things are looking from hers. Or R’s. Or G’s. Or V’s. 

I like the guy. For the brief moments that we have had an exchange i feel he understands. Like R says, living with the person might be an entirely different ball game. And it is true, the complexity of these things. But the few moments of understanding is all one needs. Just the golden egg. No need to cut open the Goose. 

That seems to be where R and I are. We cant seem to understand where the Golden eggs have disappeared. And we are cutting open each other to find out where they are hiding. We were after all promised a steady supply of Golden eggs. Unlike the fabled farmer, we didnt cut open the goose. We just bet on it, hedged it. Like many large scale farmers engage with the money economy today. Sell the produce even before sowing. Heding. Put a chip in, and try and turn every goose there is into a Golden egg laying Goose.

Can we stop cutting and slicing things open, please. Can we just watch the clouds?

Sounds like something a Goose would write. 

Who is there to forgive me? Relsolve this? For the mean thoughts, the harsh words, the attempts to manipulate.  I forgive myself?

Ho oponopono says i can. And i must. 

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. 

__

Thank you fro letting me enter. ANd for the insights. I close the door gently behing me to come back another day.

[ciaranlawrenceaub]

Content for ‘Mind of a Killer’

With the serial killer they’ve enjoyed the power of life and death and they want to relive that again.

John Wayne Gacy - Pogo the Clown. Dressed as a clown and go to childrens parties and abuse and murder the children. His victims were all male. Never thought he did anything wrong he just believed it happened and he dealt with it the best way he could. Interviews went over 2-3 weeks, they were very vocal and open about what he did.

He was married and two children but it was all a cover.

Nobody liked him and noone considered him an equal, having that simmering deep inside anger and temper that one day he would get equal with these people. Killed more than anyone will ever know.

Main traits about killers.

Bedwetting and abuse to animals, it doesn’t happen. More often than not they are eloquent, intelligent, manipulative.

MYTHS

All serial killers are men. In film when they present the lethality of serial killers, women are often portrayed as the manipulated victim of a dominant male. This myth that males are aggressive and females are passive. However aggressiveness and passivity can be learned through socialization and they are not gender specific. While there have been more male serial killers than females throughout history, the presence of a female serial killer is well documented in crime data. 17% of all serial homicides in the U.S are committed by women. While only 10% of all murders in the U.S are committed by women.

All serial killers are Caucasian. Contrary to popular mythology, not all serial killers are white. Serial killers span all racial and ethnic groups. Because in the U.S most of the population is white that will mean a high percentage of serial killers will be white. However there are well documented serial killers in multiple groups such as Latinos, African-Americans and Asian-Americans. Examples of prolific racial minority serial killers are Coral Eugene Watts “Sunday Morning Slasher” who murdered seventeen women in Michigan and Texas. Anthony Edward Sowell “Cleveland Strangler” who kidnapped, raped and murdered eleven women in Ohio. Rafael Resendez-Ramirez “Railroad Killer” who killed as many as fiften men and women in Kentucky, Texas and Illinois.

Serial killers are isolated and dysfunctional loners. Real-life serial killers are not isolated monsters of fiction and frequently, they do not appear to be strange or stand out from the public. Many serial killers are able to successfully hide out in plain sight for long periods of time. They blend in and are typically employed, have families and homes. They appear non-threatening and normal members of society. In some very rare cases they will build friendships with unsuspecting police detectives who are tracking them. This is relevant in the Ed Kemper case also known as the “Co-ed Killer”. It is serial killers ability to blend in that makes them dangerous, frightening and yet compelling.

All serial killers are either mentally ill or evil geniuses. Not all killers are Dr.Hannibal Lecter, nor do they have a debilitating mental illness such as psychosis. Instead, serial killers are much more likely to exhibit antisocial personality disorders such as sociopathy and psychopathy. In fact, very few serial killers suffer from any mental illness to such a debilitating extent that they are considered to be insane by the criminal justice system. To be classified as legally insane, the individual must be unable to comprehend that an action is against the law and the exact moment the action is undertaken. This legal categorization of insanity is so stringent and narrow that very few serial killers are actually included in it. Psychopathic serial killers such as John Wayne Gacy and Dennis Rader are entirely aware of the illegality of murder while they are in the process of killing their victims. Their understanding of right and wrong does nothing to impede their crimes, however, because psychopaths such as Gacy and Rader have an overwhelming desire and compulsion to kill that causes them to ignore the criminal law with impunity. The evil genius is also highly fictionalised. They are depicted as brilliant homicidal maniacs like John Doe in the 1995 film Se7en. A man who personifies the stereotype of an evil genius killer who outsmarts law enforcement, avoids justice and succeeds. The reality is that most serial killers who have had their IQ tested score between the borderline and above average intelligence.

Charles Mason - very very good at manipulation, the people he had in his cult were so high on drugs and strung up on alcohol they believed him as a messiah and he was going to protect them all from the world.

What is going on in the mind of a killer when they kill

Nearly all serial killers suffered some kind of trauma. They internalize that to the point where its hatred. This is how their mindset works. This all builds up and up until it reaches such a point that they cant control anymore. They’re not going out looking for a kill, they don’t know what they’re going out for. Then the flash of the moment they will think that they can will be in control and then all of sudden its happened. The victim has seen what they look like so again they have a snap judgement. It’s the kick that they get from doing that, the power of life and death and thats when they make a conscious decision that they want to go out and do it again.

A chromosome abnormality seems to be the most likely trigger for serial killers

While psychotic behaviour is mainly due to heritable causes such as family and background, researchers are still investigating how certain individuals tick how even how DNA can cause erratic behaviour. However some researches like Dr. Helen Morrison, who has interviewed 135 total serial killers across the globe, she has found that a chromosome that is exposed during puberty for a male can be one of the main causes. It is also important to note that many serial killers make their first kill in their teen years.

However this desire to kill is ingrained early on in life. Morrison says that while as a baby, they are happy to be passed around from person to person however at a certain point during the start of its life, they develop a connection and awareness that its a separate being dependent on other people. Morrison says that serial killers dont develop that feeling and don’t see themselves as part of the world.

Serial Killers don't empathize with their victims. While an enraged man might kill his wife's lover out of jealousy, serial killers feel no such attachment to their victims. "They have no appreciation for the absolute agony and terror and fear that the victim is demonstrating, they just see the object in front of them."

Real Research is beginning, however the government isn’t receptive. Many researches have to ask permission from the government, state or federal, to interview an incarcerated serial killer. This culture of limited or no access happens around the world, meaning most the time researches become stuck. "For now, we're only speculating with what we know about the brain, which is practically nothing," Morrison said. "True you see behavior, true you see something wrong with the brain, but does that mean they're connected?"

However fascinating research is on the horizon. Researchers plan to start to monitor the brain and how it responds to transmagnetic stimulation. Through TMS, magnetic pulses are sent into the frontal left side of the brain, which generates weak electrical currents. The project is meant to mimic and study serial killers lack of feelings.  

This information is built up from multiple sources and will make up the main part of content for the small booklet. This information gives a good rounded introduction into understanding the mind of a serial killer.

[understandingthevoices]

I appreciate the well thought out response! Lets do a quick survey- In regards to the narcs you have personally dealt with, what careers are they in? On to a heavier question- what type of person would be a good partner for the narc- not someone for the supply and fuel, but truly who would be compatible with the narc and help him/her get out of their narc behaviors? So not someone that would continue the supply but someone that can actually help and be in a fulfilling relationship with the narc?

no problem ! hmm so i haven’t dealt with many - at least not in a close enough proximity that would allow me to definitively diagnose them (usually there is something so off about them that i keep away; my close friends have always been nothing but highly empathetic and supportive) - but i do have my suspicions about a few people i know and have come in contact with, including the ex and the friend. the ex and one of my acquaintances i highly suspect is a narc are in med school (allow me to voice my disgust here… they really have no place treating patients…i wish med schools screened for lack of empathy and compassion tbh) and then the friend works in an investment firm in wall street – which imo is a much more suitable career for the narc types. i can’t see him even batting an eye at the immoral actions they probs have him do day after day; i genuinely don’t think he would have any trouble financially screwing some poor person over as long as it meant he was getting rewarded for it

but it’s actually a very interesting (albeit sad) reality that the traits that one associates with narcissism - a lack of empathy/compassion, an emphasis on self-aggrandizement, on showboating, on self-fulfillment, on selfishness - are very much the traits that allow individuals to prosper and get ahead in the professional/career world. the empaths, that are too concerned with other people’s feelings and how they might be affected - often fall far far behind as a result of their inherent nature to think about others… and this is true for all careers, including some you wouldn’t think about - like medicine, unfortunately

so now your next question – which hits pretty close to home, as you can imagine. since my ex was a narc i thought about this question often, especially when the breakup was more recent, and wondered if he was gonna treat his next supply different, if maybe she’d have some insider narc knowledge that i didn’t… but tbh from the outside i know its just the same old fake love that i’m so familiar with… gagi don’t think there really is a partner that would be good for the narc, and who the narc won’t just treat as supply/fuel. i know it may seem i’m biased here, but i’m trying my very best to be as rational as possible the thing is, the narc screens out people who he knows he can’t manipulate - people that have such a strong sense of self, are hella outspoken, won’t ever give him the benefit of the doubt, those that have heard about his antics from other people - so those people are not even in the running when the narc decides to get into a relationship. so the only people really left are the empaths, which of course act as the supply/fuel for the narc… and once they recognize the narcissistic abuse (this usually comes later - but once they recognize their needs aren’t being met and their emotions are being ignored), and subsequently become outspoken, stand up for themselves, demonstrate that they won’t be walked all over, etc, the narc initially tries to gaslight, then tries to manipulate the situation in his favor, but then finally realizes the situation is hopeless and leaves, only to be tied up with another empath supply a few weeks later…so for that reason, i can’t think of any kind of personality that would be a good partner for the narc, that would “help him get out of their narc behaviors” and even the notion of that very quote is dangerous —-thinking you can help a narc out of his behaviors is how the narc continues to keep his victim trapped; since his victims are empaths, they want to help him - it’s what they’ve done their whole life and been rewarded for - and so they think to themselves, oh maybe if i show him enough love, he’ll take off the mask and be actually loving with me… nOPE not how it worksinstead, the narc will continue to manipulate, by promising the empath he is gonna get better and is trying and only needs a bit more time and support, but now that the empath is helping them he’s SO CLOSE TO FINDING HIS TRUE SELF - but in reality he’s just continuing to string along the empath, knowing full well he has no desire or impulse to be better, work on himself, or take the necessary measures to become emotionally mature and healthy by going to therapy, etc

the bottom line is the narc doesn’t have the ability to emotionally connect to another human being, the idea of love as an emotion is so foreign to them… so they don’t care about others apart from what they do for him - and so because they only care what others do for them, they can easily replace themwhen they say “i love you” they really mean “i love to use you”soo when you’re with one, you’re just as replaceable as the cellphone they use everydayand of course, if your cellphone malfunctions, you just get a new onesame thing here if you leave or if you decide to not follow the script anymore, they’ll feel sad they lost a familiar supply but they won’t do anything about it - they won’t take responsibility for the relationship’s end or try to fix what was wrong…(even if you tell them exactly what it was and what they have to do to fix it) instead, they’ll just find a new supply who is more gullible, malleable, and subservient to their needs (what you were in the beginning) to take your place no harm no foul in their mindsand because they have no empathy they dont care about what you’re going thru as a result of their actions –

even when you google it, they say the only real therapy for narcissism is “talk therapy” - and if you’ve ever dealt with a narc, you know how that goes - THEY ARE MASTERS at social situations, especially ones that require them to talk/convince/persuade, and can manipulate any situation to their benefit, and i can definitely see them doing the same in therapy…so even if a narc dated a psychiatrist or a mental health aide, there just is no real way i can see that being/becoming healthy and fulfilling for the empath (the narc tho of course is fulfilled)the truth is despite the illusions of self-confidence and self-aggrandizement the narc is deeply insecure about who he is - and that’s why he puts on the social masks and has such a huge thirst for fuel/supply (which is really just validation) – it doesn’t even matter who that supply isand anyone that can see thru the mask and see the little insecure boy that has wanted for love and affirmation his whole life has gotta go he doesn’t care to fix the roots of insecurity… why would he? that would require him facing the truth & he’s as happy as a clam in his delusional world

in some of my other informal research, psychiatrists actually said to anyone in a relationship with a narcissist - don’t try to help them… just get out, you’ll just be wasting your precious time trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. and if you don’t have that freedom - if there’s social or financial restrictions, for example -  you have to learn to manage your expectations. never expect the narc to be that loving, dutiful bf/husband/partner that you envisioned him being in the beginning - all of it was fake in an effort to lure you in and blind you to the real them – the person who he really is is the one you’re living with now - the selfish, controlling, mean one – and you have to learn to live with that. manage your expectations, and look for emotional fulfillment elsewhere, like in hobbies or friends, etc ngl i often felt like i was in a “loveless marriage” when i was with the narc… and i really did think i’m way too young to feel like this …where is my hollywood romance????? - but since i had nothing to compare it to and i was convinced he was the LOML who i was meant to be with i didn’t think it was as toxic as it ended up being

if i were to dig rly deep though, the only way to get a narc to cooperate and to think about your needs would be to present yourself as such a high-quality supply (supporting his selfcentered worldview, grandiose beliefs about himself, contributing to it even) and thereby foster dependence on you by the narc – thereby forcing the narc to meet your needs if he wants to continue getting his supply – something i tried doing but it was exhausting because he was only doing the VERY bare minimum and made me feel like a huge burden in his life as a resultplus i don’t think you should have to beg/manipulate someone into loving youit def worked for a while but it was just another twisted game in the end and not truly the “healthy and fulfilling relationship” i think you’re asking aboutit’s never gonna be fulfilling- just fuel-filling LOL (i had to do it lmaooo)

and that’s the realitynow if you have an avoidant attachment style and don’t require emotional fulfillment, then that’s a narc’s wet dream – they will never have to get better, and they’ll have the supply and fuel they need - but is that healthy and fulfilling for either person???? nah at that point they’re just enabling each other lmao