#like literally saying you dont have your own strength or hope but with faith you can get help

[bisexual-joseph-joestar]

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[mor-beck-more-problems]

Good Tidings We Bring || Morgan & Nell

TIMING: The day after the solstice

PARTIES: @nelllraiser & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Are we out of the woods yet?

CONTAINS: soft witches, mention of sibling death

Morgan poured her energy into walking steady and holding her package without crinkling the paper or dropping it. She hadn’t been to this house in so long, all she remembered was that first time, coming to dinner and being so petrified that she would be accepted by the Vurals. That they would believe she had something to offer, that she was more than the awful things destined to follow her. Rejection, she was old friends with. The way it cut her was almost soothing. So she never would have dreamed walking up to the house unannounced, asking to be let back in. But Yule was the time of light in the dark, and the miracle of the world turning back to light. There was never going to be a ‘good’ time to try, so it might as well be now.

Morgan knocked, swallowing what little was left of her pride. When the door opened, the speech she prepared dissolved into one clumsy outburst, “I want us to be good again, can we please be friends?” She stuck out the present with both hands. “These are for you. A-and a few extra for your sisters, but mostly you. I mean, you’ll be able to tell, uhh…” It was all very undignified, but after everything Morgan had done, she didn’t figure dignity was something she was going to come by soon anyway.

Hard choices such as the attempted exorcism in lieu of torturing Constance were something of a familiarity to Nell at the time she’d made the decision to go against Morgan’s wishes. By then she’d learned well enough that sometimes the greater good came at the cost of your personal good, but that didn’t mean it had been easy to knowingly destroy the bond of her and the witch turned zombie. She’d been the villain in someone’s story before— willing to take on the burden of severed ties and judgmental words if it meant that there’d be less pain for others in the end. It never got easier, especially when the severance in question was someone like Morgan. So as she opened the door to a familiar face that had been long absent from the daily rotation of her life, she did her best to squish down the flare of hope that bubbled up, quickly replaced with worrisome apprehension. Thankfully that too was fleeting, and her initial faith was restored, eyes cautiously bright with the renewal of her initial reaction “You want to be...friends?” she asked tentatively, as if she wasn’t entirely sure what to make of Morgan’s jumbled words, feeling as if there was another shoe about to drop. Without thinking she reached out to accept the box that Morgan had brought, staring at it a touch too long. Was she meant to open it now? Or wait? Her momentary silence was less than intentional. Apparently where Morgan was struck with an inability to stop her words, Nell didn’t know where to begin her own. “I don’t understand- aren’t you upset?”

Morgan had replayed this conversation a lot in her head, most of them involving Nell interrogating her, or saying I told you so or asking for proof about her being really, really sorry and really understanding all the ways she might have been mistaken. She hadn’t thought that Nell’s question was about how she felt. Morgan looked at her, stunned and grasping at air now that she no longer had the present to cling to. “U-uh, well...I was. And, okay, I don’t think it was fair to lie to me. Doing what you think is right is one thing, but pretending to help is something different, but that’s just...not important right now. Or it’s not more important than you. And…” Morgan shrugged haplessly. “What I wanted didn’t even work out anyway. It was bad. I got all this stuff and I hated almost every part of it and yes, in retrospect, only having informed support from my evil friends should have been a tip off, but I just couldn’t. And Constance poltered anyway and people died because of that, which is also because of me and so, no, I don’t know exactly how I’m going to trust you like I did before knowing you can just casually do that, but I don’t want be so stuck in my pain that I destroy everything that’s important to me. So if you can...I don’t know,” Morgan shrugged. “If you feel like it’s not destroyed yet, I’d like to be the kind of friend that does more than just send you sad birthday presents. I’d like to try. And I’d…” For some reason this was the most difficult part of all. Morgan tried. I’d like to be a witch again. A witch without magic. A mundane witch, who burns too much incense and works her will with glorified mind tricks and normal people stuff. The kind I used to smirk at and feel sorry for. In the end, she couldn’t. “The rest doesn’t matter right now,” she said. Holding herself up with all the strength she had, she looked at Nell with hope. “But what do you say, Nell?”

Quick on the heels of Nell’s hopeful question was the memory of the sourness the conversation between herself and Morgan that had followed the failed exorcism held, the bitterness of it still lingering in her mouth despite the sweetness that was trying to cut through the ugly sensation. Following behind that was the anger that had filled her when the news of the Common had broken— the knowledge that Constance had killed again and that this time it had been seven lives taken, and that Blanche had been caught in the crossfire as well. How could Morgan have let it come to that? You don’t know me at all, do you, Nell? It had been written to the younger witch after their initial fallout, and for a moment Nell wondered whether the words were truer than she’d thought at the time. How could she be surprised about the deaths and injury that had come to pass and still claim to know the woman that stood before her? Stars, Nell, you are the closest thing I have to family right now besides Deirdre. Family didn’t always know every inch of one another, and that was a lesson she’d learned well when Bea had died, a lesson all her sisters had learned. And then Nell had learned it again when she’d been kicked from the coven, her family ripped out from beneath her feet. But Morgan had been there. Morgan Beck, the woman who was saved from the choice of whether or not she’d follow the coven’s decree by the grace of literal death and her subsequent separation from the witches. She was family that Nell couldn’t afford to lose after having the rest of it already taken. Morgan Beck who Nell was certain wouldn’t have followed the demands of the coven and their banishment of the Vural daughters even if she hadn’t been the victim of a family curse. The same curse that had brought them to this exact moment in time that had Nell fiddling with the paper of Morgan’s gift that was still held between Nell’s uncertain hands.

“I don’t think it’s destroyed,” Nell answered in a tone that was surprisingly quiet in lieu of the jumble of emotions that were avalanching through her chest. She swallowed hard a single time, trying to make sense of the words floating in her head, all of them demanding to be spoken at once, but struggling to pluck them from the churning sea of what she wanted to say, what she should have said, and what she was going to say now. “I just- I’m not a fixer, Morgan. Not when it comes to people,” she finally managed to settle on, voice trembling with the effort to try and contain the dull tones of her sadness, the heat of her former anger, and frustration of being unable to find the medium between them. “I’m really fucking shitty at it. I never know what to say, or how to talk about things without getting upset again.” Even now she could feel the beginnings of her temper being dampened by the knowledge that whatever she was feeling about the situation, Morgan was most likely experiencing it ten-fold— the love she still held for the zombie making the witch unwilling and unwilling to dole out any more pain onto her. “I...I want to try, though.”

“...You...you dont?” Morgan repeated Nell’s words slowly in case she’d misheard. The young witch was so uncharacteristically quiet, she couldn’t be sure. She stayed clenched, feeling her impending disappointment hanging over her like a pendulum in a horror show. She’d done shitty things, and the earth didn’t judge or get angry, but people did and had every right to. Nell especially. But then she spoke again.

“You can be upset with me,” Morgan said softly. “I uh...I did a lot to be upset about. And you don’t have to... I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a ‘fixer’, you know? It’s not a box you get sorted into or not. You just learn and you try and maybe it happens faster for some people than others and--” She reached out her hand, fingers contracting and flexing as she tried to gauge whether she could, should, touch her. “We can just take it a little bit at a time and uh…” She sniffled and smiled bravely. “Can I hug you? Real question. N-no is super understandable. But--” It would be great if she could. It would feel like forgiveness even if she wasn’t yet. “Can I? Is that weird?”

“No...no, I don’t,” Nell affirmed, thinking of all the times she’d lost friends and counted them long gone, not at all accustomed to getting a second chance, but willing to take it and hold it tight nonetheless. “And you can be upset with me,” she quickly echoed, knowing things wouldn’t instantly be right. The witch’s shoulders relaxed, sagging in the slightest as Morgan did what she always did— somehow always having the perfect and right words for the situation and Nell’s self-consciousness. “Well then...I guess we can try, right?” She watched as Morgan’s hand opened and closed like a door in front of her, offering Nell a way in should she want to take it. Uncertainly she reached for the offered touch, using it as a way to pull Morgan into the hug she’d asked for. Her arms were softer around the zombie’s shoulders as she embraced her, still tired and sore from her less than comforting ventures at Neveah’s demon mansion the night before but holding on despite it. “I don’t think it’s weird,” she mumbled. Perhaps it was a little stiffer than their hugs had been in the past, but if this was the form the peace offering was taking, Nell wouldn’t be the one to shove it away. “Did you wanna come in? I actually have a present for you, too.”

Morgan clung to Nell as tight as she dared. They fit so easily against each other, head to head and hand to hand. The movement wasn’t fluid or effortless, but Morgan could almost feel the energy that still existed between them, flowing in and around, back and forth until it could reach some kind of equilibrium. Nell still wanted her in her family. She might be the only Vural to think so, but she was the only one that mattered.

“Come in?” She repeated, lifting her head from Nell’s shoulder. “Are you sure? I mean, that it would be okay--?” She tried to peer into the house, waiting for Bea or Luce or some spectre of guilt to pop out and declare that she wasn’t allowed to come inside at all, ever, and furthermore, she had no business asking forgiveness from Nell or anyone else. But no one came out to spoil the moment, and Morgan didn’t have enough fear or sense to turn away from Nell’s offer. “But I do. Want to. You didn’t have to get me anything though.” She pulled away, sniffling as she smiled. “But thank you, Nell. Really, really. Thank you.”

Nell bit down her lip as Morgan squeezed, trying to swallow the pang of pain that surfaced as Morgan’s arms unintentionally found the bruises and cuts she hadn’t healed from her and Adam’s continued infiltration of Ma’al’s demon cult. Those in visible places were always safely healed away, but the ones beneath her clothes and long sleeves were kept in secret. After all, Nell had to save every ounce of strength she had for what happened within the mansion’s hellish walls. But she also needed to keep unwanted questions at bay, unwilling to have her friends tangled in the mess she’d thrown herself into. Brushing away the darker thoughts of her current affairs, she pulled back to focus on Morgan, letting the brightness of the zombie’s face and their renewed friendship brush those shadows away. “Of course I’m sure,” she insisted, confidence re-entering her voice. “If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have offered. And I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.” Nell gave Morgan’s hand a last squeeze before moving to tug the other woman over the threshold of the home, leading her to the living room where she’d kept the gifts she was planning on giving. “It’s this one,” she began as she handed Morgan a carefully wrapped package, her nerves returned for this moment as she hoped she’d gotten this right.

Morgan took a moment to look at the gift. If it wasn’t so wildly inappropriate, she would get out her phone and take a picture of it, so she could always remember the care that her friend had shown her, the love she didn’t deserve made visible in a carefully tied ribbon and a full package. She wanted to remember that care like this still existed. That even after doing some of the worst things she’d ever attempted, someone like Nell still wanted to give to her. But she would have to settle for her memory and hope that a hundred years or more down the line, she would be able to see Nell and this gift just like this. “Should we open them at the same time?” She asked, taking the package from Nell. “That’s how we did it at home when I was a kid. I’ll be careful with the ribbon. at least. It’s all so pretty…” She smiled sheepishly, moved and almost embarrassed by how much this meant to her. She nodded to Nell to indicate go and tore into the wrappings.

The first thing she saw were the Yule smudge sticks, so potent that she caught a whiff of cinnamon and pine. It was like the Yules from her childhood all over again, when they hung freshly cut firs and holly from every door and entryway. When the tapers ran down the sides in gothic, runny clumps, and the candlelights flickered and their shadows leapt along the wall like pixies in flight. It was everything. Underneath: vials of bath salts, colored in cleansing tones and filled with herbs that symbolized renewal, a fresh start to wash away the hurt that still stuck to her. And beneath that-- “Oh, Nell,” Morgan gasped. “How did you know? About any of this? I haven’t told anybody…” Her eyes filled up again. “After everything happened I went to Strawford Cemetery and tried to do a chord removal. I know it’s all like, jedi mind tricks, but I swear I felt lighter and I felt...something. Not a live energy something, but a connection to something. And I know you’ve been trying to tell me this all along, but I actually feel it now…” She clutched the package to her chest, gripping with all her might. “I want to be as much of a witch as I can be. I want to belong here, and put out things that...help, even a little. And that’s vague and dopey and I haven’t figured out anything more specific yet, but I just want you to know why this means so much. Thank you.”

Nell unwrapped her own gift with much less delicacy than Morgan opened her’s, the still present nervous energy making her a little overeager as she tore into the pretty packaging. She almost forgot to look at her own gift as she heard Morgan’s reaction to the present she’d been gifted, but her attention was easily re-captured by the crafting tools inside the box, instantly recognizing them for what they were. The hoops, twine, and other assorted supplies tugged at some place between her heart and gut, nostalgia gripping her as she counted a set of three. One for her and each of her sisters. “For wreaths and Yule!” Morgan had to have known this would be the girls first season without their family and coven, and given them something to do together in response, no doubt truly understanding the gravity of the girls’ situation and the way it seemed to stifle the usual traditions of the holiday. The cocoa supplies and taki bags beneath it all were obviously meant solely for the youngest witch, and Nell touched the gifts with a thoughtful hand, still in slight disbelief that Morgan was even here in the first place. “Thank you, Morgan. I- well, I love all this.” But what she loved most of all was that Morgan had wanted to give her a gift in the first place.

“I didn’t necessarily know,” Nell continued, still unable to shake the last of the nerves that had settled around her and Morgan. That would be normal though, right? They’d said they wouldn’t turn back into place at the drop of a hat. “I know it’s not anything remotely the same as you, but after the stuff that I went through well- I could only begin to imagine what you might have felt, and even though I didn’t lose my magic, I know that I would have still wanted my family after it. And everything I grew up with and stuff. Even if I...hated it at first.” That’s why Nell had grouped the witchy books under the bath salts and Yule sticks wanting to return them to Morgan long after the witch had lied and said she’d handed them over to Nisa and the coven. “It’s not vague and dopey,” Nell instantly rebutted. “We- we need it too, you know. Need another witch here.” Their mother’s coven was long gone out of their lives, but perhaps they could make a little one of their own. Looking down at her present, Nell waited a moment before making another offer. “You know- you could always make them with us. I could call Bea and Luce and see if they can come right now.”

“Yeah! I figured, something all of you can do together might, you know…Nothing’s going to make things like they were before, but they can still be good. And maybe this new turn of the wheel will be better too.” Morgan said, gushing with relief now that her gesture had been accepted. “But I didn’t want you to have to share your whole gift, that’s lame, right? So hopefully you can use them to enjoy the rest of your day, or any other traditions you get to do, or just, you know, cozy time to yourself. You do still get time like that, right? Anyway, I’m glad you like it…” She trailed off, uncertain how to proceed.

At Nell’s insistence that she consider herself another witch around, that she should stay with them for the day, Morgan’s eyes watered again. “O-oh, I don’t… I meant these for you and your sisters, and you should have your special time together, and I don't want to be the reason anyone…” Doesn’t come. Leaves you alone during yuletide. Morgan shrank back, out of the doorway, her bright smile only a little weighted by sadness. “But I do, want to be around. Maybe after the regular new year? I’m just gonna be traveling, for my birthday, as it turns out. But still-- I’d like to. Just, you know, not at the risk of making things weirder or harder after everything I’ve done…” Her resolve gave way for a second and she dove back to Nell for another swift press of a hug before ducking out the doorway again. Maybe for Imbolc we’ll have a big cleaning party together, huh?”

Nell nodded with a half-sad smile, unable to pretend as if the loss of her coven didn’t sting at the mere mention or thought of it. Still— Morgan’s comforting words were more than welcome, and brought back a trickle of warmth to drive out some of the cold and drafty winds of the hole left where her family had been. “Thank you, Morgan. I know you’re right.” Unfortunately, the knowledge that new and good things would come didn’t always help to lessen the wounds of the past. That would take time if such wounds could ever be truly healed. “And yeah- of course I’ve always got time for hot chocolate.” The brief answer was an easy enough way to brush away the real answer of her having been far too busy with the twisted rituals and gatherings of the cult amongst the other day to day problems of White Crest that claimed her attention.  

Morgan’s reluctance to join in the festivities wasn’t all that surprising, and Nell didn’t feel the need to push it at a moment like this. It was probably for the best if they wanted room to breath and return to normal or create whatever their new ‘normal’ would look like. “Oh shit, well- I hope you have a good trip. You’ll have to tell me about it when you get back, obviously.” There was a flare of jealousy in Nell as she offered Morgan the well wishes, remembering her own travels around the world before she’d returned to White Crest. She doubted she’d ever experience something like that again, not when there were so many things and people tying her to White Crest now. “We’ll figure it out, though. With all of us. And then we can do that big cleaning party with some midnight margaritas, and maybe even make some Brigid crosses.” As she headed with Morgan back towards the front door of the home, Nell held the zombie’s present to her chest, the anger that had gripped her earlier finding a temporary solace that let her enjoy the bond that had been restored on this day. No doubt it’d return when they had to speak of things less pleasant than travel and parties and gifts. But for now, she could simply enjoy the hopefulness buzzing within as she leaned against the doorframe, giving her farewell. Finally, she would relax in the knowledge that it wouldn’t be their final one. “I’ll see you later, Morgan.”

[whisperandroar]

Healing A Country: One Trauma Wound At a Time

What Today Meant

I didn’t realize how deeply rooted misogyny was engrained in me until today. I grew up being TOLD that women can be and do anything a man can and then was beaten and held down with actions that screamed the opposite. Actions that said “you can scream as loud as you want to but no one will hear you. You can fight like hell but you will never ACTUALLY be able to beat a man. A man will always overpower you. A man will always defeat you. You can try and speak but we will always interrupt. You can fight but we will always hold you down” - both literally and metaphorically.

A woman can be anything they want to be EXCEPT more powerful than a man.

I fought hard for my voice and for my self-esteem. I did years of work on myself to become who I am. I fought like to hell to speak and be heard. To not be scared of my own intellect. I had to work to feel worthy of being heard. That I, too, mattered. Then on my 26th birthday, a woman was defeated by the very man who, unapologetically, was the same man from my nightmares. The bad guy that grabs without asking and takes because he can and unabashedly shames and silences the “nasty” “bad” women who dare to say no. He won. Again. Just like he always does. Just like men like that always do. But still I fought hard to keep the footing I had rightfully earned. Continued to fight for my life, my sobriety, my voice, and my esteem. To remind myself that my integrity matters. To remind myself that if I keep doing the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other, my work will, one day, be rewarded. That if I fight hard enough, I can take back my body and my soul. Just because they won when I was six doesn’t mean they can win again now. I can live and love and thrive and be in spite of them. I can take control back. I can live a life so full and with equally unapologetic entitlement, that I may seize the beautiful that their darkness cannot touch.  

This last year, that voice I fought so hard for got weaker and weaker. I clung tightly to the voices of predominantly black women who seemed so strong and confident and inspired; a source of strength when my newly learned scream felt more like a whisper. Hope flirted often with hopelessness. I started to hesitate again. When a man without a mask entered a store, I often stayed quiet. Self-preservation overrides the right and moral thing. Because the message coming from the man in power was so familiar. So reminiscent of my childhood.

My very voice was an act of defiance punishable by threatened or real physical harm.

For the last year, the voices in my head have screamed “Their hate is louder than your heart. Justice will not come. Perhaps no matter how good you are, good cannot rise above. Perhaps the superheroes that failed to save you as a child failed because they dont exist. Goodness will always be outnumbered.”

Kamala Harris beat Trump. A woman is louder than a man. What she and Biden have done is SHOW me that women can be anything a man can. The words I heard but couldn’t see materialized. Here is a women that fights like hell. A woman who is loud, opinionated, and speaks with an audience who listens and no man can shut her up. No one beat her. No one silenced her or punished her. Instead, Biden chose her.  

Today the voices of millions told the ENTIRE country that hatred, racism, bigotry, misogyny, and vitriol is NOT the norm despite what the moron in office has made it seem. His behavior and the behavior of his supporters IS, in fact, unacceptable. You do not get to be openly hateful AND win. You do not get to plant harm and reap victory. You do not get to speak for the nation by silencing voices. This moment is the one I’ve waited for since I was a child. This tangible and real moment when goodness conquered evil. Superheroes are real and they walk amongst us and they always have. Hindsight shows me angels every step of the way. Thank you Stacy Abrams, Kamala Harris, RBG, and every other woman that suited up, showed up, and demonstrated unyielding grit and ferocity in the face of dangerous opposition. On this, my 30th birthday, you have given me the greatest gift of all: faith.

Van Jones said it best. “Character matters. Telling the truth matters. Being a good person matters.”

Thank you.

[gladiatortale]

Baz Pitch Songs - Ben Platt

TL;DR: Baz’s anxious internal monologue lives in the lyrics of Ben Platt’s album, Sing to Me Instead.

I’ve been breaking my own heart for days now with this information and I need to share it with the WORLD. 

Okay so I am still an overflowing well of FEELINGS after reading Wayward Son, and in the wake of this I come to the conclusion that there is no better encapsulating soundtrack for the mood of this book than Sing to Me Instead. 

The entire album is a goldmine of angst and adult-ulescent zeitgeist (that shitty late teen/ early twenties age where nothing makes sense and there is no road map for anything). But I’m going focus on two song’s in particular that are so unbelievably Wayward Son Baz, that they smell like fucking cedar and bergamot. OKAY.

Song 1: Grow as We Go

Something I needed to continually remind myself as I was reading Wayward Son is that Baz doesn't actually know that Simon is thinking of breaking up with him. Nevertheless Baz’s pain, confusion, and ongoing identity crises - built out of months of stewing silently in between the first and second book - comes through in every single one of his actions. This is especially true in the book’s early chapters. 

To anyone who has been with a partner suffering from depression, the scenes in the flat and at the airport ring through as painfully familiar,

“He’s lovely. A bit of a sad mess. Dull and pale and rough around the edges. But still so lovely.” (Wayward Son, Chapter 9)

Baz loves Simon so much that it hurts him to even think of not being with him. And yet despite not actually knowing Simon’s intentions before Penny slammed a door on his face, (lol) Baz’s anxiety grows from a true fear of losing him; whether that’s losing him to someone else or to depression, the fear remains the same.

ENTER BEN PLATT.

The opening lyrics of Grow as We Go sound like they were written by Baz himself in a letter to Simon,

“You say there's so much you don't know You need to go and find yourself You say you'd rather be alone 'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else.” (Grow As We Go, Ben Platt)

(Knowing British people as I do, it’s a bit too much sharing all at once to be something Baz would say all at one time, but I’m getting off topic). These lines encapsulate the bleeding heart bargaining Baz feels as he worries Simon is slipping away from him, while at the same time focuses on the fact that Baz still feels they are destined to be together after everything they’ve survived so far. 

“Ooh, who said it's true That the growing only happens on your own? They don't know me and you.” (Grow As We Go, Ben Platt)

Baz would say to the rest of the world, even to Simon himself, that they make each other better by being together.

“I don't know who we'll become I can't promise it's not written in the stars But I believe that when it's done  We're gonna see that it was better That we grew up together” (Grow As We Go, Ben Platt)

There’s SO FUCKING MUCH to unpack so I’ll keep in brief. This entire passage links back to motifs from Carry On. 

Beginning with the star motif (which I could and MIGHT write a whole separate essay about); Stars have been known to appear during incredibly vulnerable, shifting moments in Simon and Baz’s relationship. We first see the motif when Simon shares his magic with in Carry On, and the motif reappears more with a more cautious, anxious tone in the back of Shepard’s truck withWayward Son. Which is why when it so poetically appears in this verse, it feels like the perfect match to Baz’s tone.

However, the real gut punch of this song comes when we examine this line from Chapter 11, in conjunction with the aforementioned section of the song,

“‘They’re not that far apart,’ I say. ‘Not to you; you grew up in a mansion.’ ‘I grew up at the top of a tower,’ I say. ‘With you’.” (Wayward Son, Chapter 11)

The final line of this section of the lyrics are SO important because they connect to these specific lines from Wayward Son painfully well. They encapsulate Baz’s wish to grow old (as much as he can… ohhh WE’RE GETTING THERE), more specifically to continue to grow old with Simon. Together these passages highlight that, despite Simon’s gradual attempts to pull away from Baz (ironically due to what Simon perceives as kindness), Baz still has faith enough in the strength of their relationship to try and keep them together.

In essence, go listen to the song. It’ll smash your heart into a million pieces, but you’ll still thank me for recommending it.

Song 2: In Case You Don't Live Forever

AAAAAAAAAAAAH. OKAY. 

Here’s where shit reeeeally hits the fan. I’m going to get the obvious out of the way right now. 

For the first time in the series, we see Baz actually confront the reality of his immortality in Wayward Son. I know there is still a question mark hanging above this statement because Baz is an semi-unreliable narrator and we only can know what he does, but his conversations with Lamb brings to light the true reality of his condition: Baz can, in theory, live forever. What is also frighteningly true - and a fact which Rowell herself hasn’t even fully articulated yet - is the fact that Simon, as far as we know, won’t live forever.

CUE BEN PLATT AND HIS SAD PIANO MUSIC.

“You put all your faith in my dreams You gave me the world that I wanted What did I do to deserve you?” (In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)

This self-depreciative, I-dont-deserve-anything tone is PAINFULLY in line with Baz’s own internal monologue. Throughout the majority of Carry On (as well as the just under a decade which preceded the events of the book) Baz have lived convinced that Simon is going to kill him one day. When that inevitably DOESN'T happen and they end up together, Baz cannot believe his luck.

“I've waited way too long to say Everything you mean to me” (In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)

AND DESPITE HIS PERCVIED SPECTACULAR LUCK, this FUCKING numpty waits until the LITERAL second to last page of the SECOND book to say how he really feels,

“I raise my voice: ‘Why cant you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?’ He sits back, like I’ve slapped him.” (Wayward Son, p. 353)

This ties in beautifully with - so much so I was screaming at my desktop as I listened to it - the second verse of In Case You Don't Live Forever,

“I, I've carried this song in my mind Listen, it's echoing in me But I haven't helped you to hear it We, we've only got so much time I'm pretty sure it would kill me If you didn't know the pieces of me are pieces of you” (In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)

Baz’s hesitation, whether born culturally out of a stubborn British habit not to share your emotions for fear of oversharing, or hesitation specific to his relationship with Simon, has kept him from speaking his mind. It has kept him from speaking about how deeply his life has been changed by Simon, and how fleeting and short their time together truly is.

WHAT MIGHT PROMPT BAZ TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS?? Perhaps the realization that Simon won’t live forever, that he has to say these things to him In Case You Don't Live Forever.

MIC DROP. 

Aaaaaand cue the saddest line of the song, please...

“In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth I'm everything that I am because of you” (In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)

The absolutely heart wrenching scene (“Simon… love… get up. We still have to save Agatha.” NOPE. Still not over it!) as they fight The Next Blood in the dead spot, when considered together with Lamb’s words from earlier in the novel, is truly the moment when Baz realises he will lose Simon someday.

In this way therefore the song connects Baz’s internal monologue as it looks forward toward the events of Anyway the Wind Blows. 

Now. I would not DARE try to put words in Rowell’s mouth, but when viewed holistically with Baz’s final actions in Wayward Son (his realization of the temporality of Simon’s life against the length of his own, and his brash declaration that his life is hardly worth living without Simon in it) Platt’s song sets to music the logical trajectory of Baz’s emotional state and desires in a way I sincerely hope we see in this next and final novel.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK.

BONUS:

THESE LINES FUCKED ME SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN B E G I N TO UNPACK HOW MUCH THIS IS JUST THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND THE WAY BAZ SEES SIMON.

“I have a hero whenever I need one I just look up to you and I see one I'm a man 'cause you taught me to be one.” (In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)

GGGGGAAAAAAH  I’M DONE BEING ANALYTICAL. THAT LINE JUST FINISHED ME OFF. 

[tacittherapist]

Heartbeats quicken. The tremors return. Rose opens her laptop, glancing about to make sure she’s alone. Gods forbid anyone, especially Jade, see her revisit one of her lowest points. She craves it -- to know the bitter ennui of her past mistakes is a nectar that keeps her reality grounded and the fire under her lit. This particular memory is perhaps the worst mistake of her young life though, and to correct it would be to supp deep from the ichor of sweet relief. She pulls up the log...

tacitTherapist [TT] started trolling grimAuxiliary [GA].

TT: So. GA: So TT: It’s come to this. GA: Indeed It Has TT: And you’re still not budging. GA: Consider My Position Entirely Unmoved TT: Entirely? That seems a bit harsh. GA: This Is A Harsh Reality TT: I imagined you’d have at least granted me the niceties and lied about how malleable your convictions are. GA: Rose GA: What Is There Left To Say GA: We Have A Crucial Difference In Opinion That Cannot Be Reconciled GA: We Have Iterated Our Arguments To Each Other For Days Without Relent GA: The Underlying Basis To This Disagreement Is Presupposed On The Notion That This Infernal Game Has Shown You The Right Course Of Action Without Any Other Supporting Evidence That It Isnt Simply Lying To You Once Again TT: They aren’t lies, they’re possibilities. GA: But Only One Of Them Will Happen To Us GA: The Rest Dont Matter GA: Thus They Are Lies And There Is Just One Truth TT: Couching your beliefs that way is what I disagree with. GA: Then You Arent Fucking Listening GA: Only One Of Those Timelines Will Be The One We Are In GA: So Forgive Me If I Buttress My Language In Solipsistic Idiom GA: Unless You Can Give Me More Than One Percent Assurance That We Will All Make It Through This By Jumping On This Fantastic Savior Satellite GA: I Cannot Support Your Idea And I Suggest You Let It Go TT: I can’t. GA: I Know GA: Thats Why Theres Nothing Left To Say TT: I disagree. I think there are a variety of things left to say. GA: Do They Relate To The Problem At Hand Or Are You Stalling TT: Irrelevant. The impetus of communication isn’t inherently problem-solving, it’s to convey meaning. GA: The Impetus Does Solve A Problem GA: You Want To Convey Meaning So The Solution Is Communication TT: Semantics. I’m saying there are other avenues of thought we must explore first. GA: Rose According To You We Are Running Out Of Time GA: Is This Truly How You Want To Spend Your Last Moments With Us GA: Bickering Pointlessly On Separate Computers To Avoid Devolving Into Another Shouting Competition Which Karkat Invariably Wins TT: Would you rather I pivot into sweet nothings about how I’ve so enjoyed our time together on this desolate rock? TT: Would you rather I spin the yarn of our tale aboard this distant laboratory, slowly starving as our grist cache dwindles? TT: Must I recount our feeding calendar in which we literally take turns stemming the hunger pangs until we all eventually succumb to malnutrition and sickness simultaneously? GA: No TT: Then this is how I’m spending my last moments. Quite presumptuous of you to assume I’ve made up my mind as well. For all you know, I could be swayed and end up staying here. GA: Given You Were Just Eviscerating My Position Mere Seconds Ago As To Why We Should Stay Here Im Sufficiently Certain You Wont TT: That’s another issue. Your certainty. The Light has shown me countless avenues to success. There are literally endless timelines in which we follow my advice and everyone meets up to finish the game. TT: And yet you’re somehow unwaveringly certain that none of them will occur? GA: Your Argument Swings Both Ways TT: I don’t appreciate the implicit reference to my confusing sexuality, but go on. GA: If There Are Countless Possibilities In Which We Succeed Following Your Idea Then There Are Also Countless Possibilities In Which We Succeed Not Following Your Idea GA: Its Two Infinities GA: The Question Lies In Which Infinity Is Bigger TT: That makes no sense, infinity is infinity. GA: Yes But Some Infinities Are Larger Or Smaller Than Others GA: Some Infinities Are Not Even Truly Infinity But We Consider Them Infinity For The Sake of Mathematics TT: How does that make even remote sense? GA: While You Were Studying The Majyyk I Was Reading The Calculus TT: I didn’t realize I was speaking to Jade’s pupil. GA: You Arent GA: If I Were Jades Pupil Wed Have Met Up By Now And We Wouldnt Be Having This Inane Conversation TT: But you can become her pupil! If you just come with me. Trust me, Kanaya. Please. GA: I Trust You Rose GA: But I Cannot Go With You GA: Look GA: The Prophecy Satellite Is On The Horizon GA: You Have Not Much Time TT: Technically I have all the time I need. GA: Dave Has Sworn Off His Powers And You Know This TT: He can be convinced. GA: If Your Powers Of Persuasion On Him Are Anything Like They Are On Me I Highly Doubt That TT: Fuck you. GA: Rose

A pregnant pause passes as Rose looks over on the horizon. The satellite is indeed coming into view.

TT: I’m sorry, Kanaya. TT: I love you. GA: I Love You Too Rose GA: But This Is Goodbye TT: It doesn’t have to be. GA: What GA: Didnt We Just Go Over That Im Not Coming With You And That You Arent Staying Here TT: Yes. But if you don’t say goodbye, it means we’ll meet again. GA: Rose This Is Childish TT: If you don’t say goodbye, it isn’t the end. GA: This Is The End Rose TT: It isn’t the end. I’ll see you again. I’ll find John and Jade by myself and we’ll come get you. GA: How GA: How Long Will It Take To Find Them GA: And How Will You Find Us If You Ever Do GA: This Laboratory Is Bound To Continue Drifting Even After You Depart GA: We Wont Stay Frozen In Place Once You Leave GA: This Isnt Like One Of Those Trashy Rainbowdrinker Books You Devoured GA: This Is Real Rose GA: You Must Face This Truth TT: We are the shapers of our world. GA: Not This Again TT: We determine our own fate. GA: Rose This Is A Quote From Another Novel Please Dont Do This TT: We mold the physical to our whims and thrust it forward through our own designs. We shape destiny. We reject that which displeases us and create our own reality. TT: Can you really not indulge me? As this one last act of kindness? GA: I Will Allow You One Kindness But It Will Not Be This TT: Fine. As my last act of kindness from you, I want... GA: It Cannot Be Something Ridiculous TT: I want you to forget me. GA: What The Fuck Did I Just Say TT: Hear me out. TT: If truly everything we’ve been through thus far has meant so little that you can’t put your faith in my decision, I want you to forget it. TT: It will be as if it never happened. I was merely a phantom in this session, and should I somehow return (against your predictions), I will get to vindictively rub it in your face. TT: But if you’re right, and I never return, the pain for you is lessened. You were never in a relationship with me, so there’s nothing to mourn. I never existed. Things were simply bad, and my nagging insistence to redirect our course was never there. TT: I want you to forget me. GA: Rose You Know I Cant Do That TT: Not even for me? As your last kindness? GA: It Would Not Be Kind To Invalidate The Memories You Ensured We Would Create GA: It Would Not Be Kind To Devalue Everything You Have Done For Us GA: And I Still Cherish Those Memories Even If They Led To Something Painful TT: It will only cause you more pain if you hold onto them. I don’t want you to suffer. GA: I Want To Suffer These Memories GA: They Offer Me Some Reassurance TT: But not enough to convince you to join me. GA: No

Rose stops typing, a nerve in her snapping. Her face goes beet-red, despair swelling into wrath. She sets her claws to the keyboard once more.

TT: Then if not by your grace, I’ll make you forget through spite. GA: What TT: I want to be forgotten. I want my existence to be erased from this failure of a timeline. I never loved you. You meant nothing to me. GA: Rose TT: My departure will be a curse upon you unless you forget. Whether by magic or by will, you must forget me. All those memories I made with you meant nothing. I did those things only to ensure my own survival. Your presence was happenstance at best. TT: Now that I’m heading out on my own, our destinies are uncoupled. Whatever happens to you is beneath me. I am taking the path to victory, and you can all squander the rest of your miserable lives here. TT: I won’t come back for you. I gave you all the chances I had. This is your fault. GA: Rose Please Dont Do This TT: You won’t see me again. I’m getting on that satellite and I’m not looking back. Even if I am to die, alone on a satellite, it will be a Heroic death as the only one with any sense not to continue a cursed existence on this fucking rock. TT: I will live with only a spectre of guilt that I didn’t forcibly coerce you onto the satellite with me, chastising myself for respecting your wishes and letting you choose your own demise. TT: That is all. Goodbye.

tacitTherapist [TT] stopped trolling grimAuxiliary [GA].

True to her word, Rose closed her laptop and walked briskly to the edge of the floating laboratory to wait for the satellite to pass by. Sheer anger coursed through her veins, hoping that would mask her true intent. She had never displayed that kind of fury before, let alone to Kanaya. If she played her cards right, Kanaya might still join her, moved by the pure strength of her conviction. But there was no hesitant hand on her shoulder, begging her to stay or to join her. There was no last-second plea, no ‘Rose Wait’, and not even a footstep in her general direction as she waited.

Resigned, she boarded the satellite, breaking her word and casting a desperate glance back as the satellite continued its course away. Through the tiny window, she could see Kanaya simply looking down at her grubtop, her face stained jade. Regret swelled, and for just a second, she could feel herself begin to open the hatch and jump back towards the meteor. But the second passed, and soon she was out of range to give even a cursory wave goodbye.

The same tears begin to stream down her face as she closes the pesterlog and wraps her sheets tighter around her shoulders. She can’t keep putting off her meeting with Cetus forever... but she still doesn’t know how she’ll reckon with the shadow of her failed ploy.

[cheesymovie]

i think im more comfortable staying on anon for now. it's been painful the last decade or so and i have a lot of bitterness & hurt to work through. for the longest time i couldnt even stand to hear christian music and im reluctant to self-dx with ptsd but thats honestly what it felt like. id get tense and angry and have flashbacks. im having difficulty separating god from church and have to keep reminding myself that christians are humans and therefore imperfect, not always a reflection of god.

oh of course no pressure either way! again, i really cant tell you enough how how angry and saddened that makes me that youve been put through that, let alone by some corruption of christianity. im not informed enough on the psychological aspect to really speak on that, but to me that does sound like ptsd, or something that should be taken just as seriously if not. youre truly so brave and open-minded to be willing to work through that and be vulnerable to such a thing again, i honestly dont know if id have the same strength in your position. even from just witnessing some of the things done in the name of christianity can cause me to struggle with my faith, so i cant imagine how it must have impacted you. the church has been co-opted by those in power to maintain their social hierarchies ever since rome, so it is a difficult thing when our cultural perception of the two are so integrated. what makes this especially frustrating is how anti-establishment jesus was, and how those who do this are simply not spreading the truth. whenever im struggling with what the, as you said imperfect human church is doing, i try to kind of just look past them and go to the source (jesus), which is in the end what really matters. the sad part is he literally spoke against this as clear as day all the way back thousands of years ago, and people are still getting away with it to this day. here are just a Few of the many verses decrying exactly what youre talking about, i hope they can help a bit.

Mark 7:6-15 “He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: “ ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 7 They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’ 8 You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions.” 9 And he continued, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’and, ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’ 11 But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is Corban (that is, devoted to God)— 12 then you no longer let them do anything for their father or mother. 13 Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” 14 Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. 15 Nothing outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that defiles them.”

Matthew 23:13-16 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.[14] [b]15 Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are.16 Woe to you, blind guides!”

2 Corinthians 11:14-15 “And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. 15 It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.“

Luke 12:1  “Jesus began to speak first to his disciples, saying: “Beon your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.”

just really any of Jesus’s interactions with the Pharisees - the organized religion of his time - makes it apparent to me what the truth is, and instead of seeing the hate people spew as a reflection of god but of human evil that only further distances people from him

[daddy-socrates]

Simone de Beauvoir, Being and Time, Kirkegaard!

hello !! wow an ask, thanks !!

de Beauvoir: Do you feel like you’re living life according to your conscience? - largely, i want to say, yes. i try to stay updated on current events and share information whenever i can, but i absolutely fall short of what expectations i hold for myself and hopes i hold for others, specifically in regard to like monetary resources. i don’t yet have a stable income for myself so i still live with my parents, so i 1. feel like a drain on them and 2. dont support all the human rights causes or individual fundraisers that i want to and i feel deeply hypocritical over that but overall i think that doing one’s best and looking to improve where one can is super important !!

Being and Time: What’s your favorite pastime? - i’m lowkey writing the vampire novel i’ve wanted since i was 9 years old, and i don’t get into it very often since i’m not in class working on it, but !! i could talk for HOOOOOURS about where it’s going and als;kdfj;fsa i love my main character very much and one of the secondary-mains was based off someone i know who is going to be ordained in just a few weeks i’m so excited for him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kirkegaard: Are you religious? - yes. i’m lutheran and someone sent an ask a few months ago abt religious opinions so i rambled on for a while on that post, but basically, i’m not gonna be like “ur wrong and dumb if u dont believe in jesus” because like.................................. that’s stupid everyone has their own beliefs. that said, however, my religion has always been a very big part of my life and i spent most of college trying to push it away because it’s not Cool among the Campus Gays to ever Approve of Christians, and basically long story short i “broke up” with my best friend and spent a ton of time drinking about it and came to the conclusion that my faith is actually really important to me. tbh....... i’m literally looking at a local seminary lol. i want to teach in a non-religious capacity first bc i feel like i can do the most good for the world by being a teacher. that’s playing to my strengths, fr fr. but in the future i think i would really like to become a deacon or something. a lady at the church i interned for last summer does a lot of really amazing outreach, activism, education, interfaith, intercultural, art, childcare, and more programs. that’s what i want to see more in the Church! (capital C being the Church at large, not just a single church building)

thanks for asking and have a spectacular night !!

[mysoulisablackwolf-blog]

Otherkin Challenge Post

I saw this and thought it would be fun. It also looks like a great way to vent, since no one I love knows about my kin identity..

1. What name do you go by? What is the significance of it to you?

My name is Briana, but I got by Breanne, a name from Englund during the time range of which werewolves/beasts were prevalent.

2. How old are you? (If you don’t mind sharing.) What is the gender you identify as?

I'm 21 years old, and female.

3. What is your Otherkin/Therian species?

I'm still trying to find a "label", but I would say Werewolve/Beastkin. Some sort of large monstrous canine creature.

4. How long have you known that you are Otherkin? How old were you when you Awakened?

I've been otherkin since I was 4, but I didn't find the term until highschool, so I guess I was awakened when I was 16. I was literally forced as a child to start "acting human." No more outside playtime, crawling on all fours, howling and barking and growling at people. I was a little heathen as a child, but I'm glad I got to express myself.

5. How did you find the Otherkin community?

A friend of mine who is a Kitsune (apologies if I butchered that), she showed me otherkin and Tumblr and Kinmunity, hoping that if I went back to therapy with this information it would help ease my depression.

6. How does being Otherkin affect your life?

It's mostly the depression. Not knowing who or what I am fully but still having these memories and flashes/glimpses of myself. It's like a constant dizzy spiral and I can't make it stop.

7. Are you "out of the metaphysical closet"? If so, to whom?

Barely. A few friends who I've grown apart from. I think if the man who raised me knew the term, he'd just know that I am. Nothing gets by him.

8. How did/would your family react to you being Otherkin?

I think they would shut me down. They've done it once before when I came out as nonbinary, and now that I've had a child, they think they won that argument. It's very disheartening.

9. What does being Otherkin mean to you?

It's a way to express myself/feel normal again. I've never felt human and I thought I was the only one. Now I see others with the same feelings and I feel at home in my own body.

10. How do you believe you came to be Otherkin? Is it a psychological connection? Were you reincarnated? Explain.

I very much believe I was reincarnated. I've always had a huge fixation on Englund during what I think was the 1700s. When werewolves and vampires and monsters ran rampant. I even have memories of men I've slayed in the types of clothes and homes you would of seen back then. I just can't pin point was exactly I was...

11. What do you hope the Otherkin community will be like in ten years? Are you for public awareness or against it? Why or why not?

I think it'll be stronger, hopefully with less misconceptions. I am for public awareness in the sense where if I go to a friend, they dont shun me. Or if I go to therapy, they know exactly what I'm talking about and can tell me, "Hey it's normal and this is why." I want all of us to be seen as normal.

12. Do you have phantom/astral limbs? What are they and how often do you feel them?

I do, I have a tail, a huge, kinda whippish, dog tail with fur. I can feel fur all over my body, excluding my stomach, at the weirdest times. I've grown out my nails and filed them so they now match as close as possible to the claws I feel. And lastly, if I focus hard enough, and there's wind outside, I can feel ears on my head that kinda sway or flop in the wind, depending on its strength.

13. Do you mental-shift? Have you ever harmed yourself or someone else during one?

I've had a few that just happened, and I didn't really know/register what was going on. I was alone for the majority of them so I've mostly just calmly idled, but there's always the urge to hunt something down, so I might end up hurt/hurting.

14. Have you ever mental-shifted at a time when it could be considered inappropriate?

I think so. We were in the car and the windows had to be rolled down because there's no AC. I closed my eyes and instantly felt a snout, fur, ears, the whole nine. I felt like the world melted away and I just enjoyed the wind in my fur. Then my friend snapped me out of it and said I looked like I had completely zoned out.

15. Do you Astral Project or practice any occult crafts?

No. Not quite talented enough.

16. Do you feel you are any sort of danger to society?

Probably more towards myself or animals than society. I do have an insane urge to hunt but nothing more.

17. Does your nonhuman identity complicate every day life for you? If so, how?

Not so much complicate, just makes me exhausted and depressed when I have to go out in the world and do things. I'm a very solitary creature, much rather be alone and talk on the phone versus be out with people or at a party. It makes me a twinge angry/irritable and anxious.

18. Why do you believe you are here as a human?

I didn't understand why until I had my son. Now I'm here to be a mother and raise my child as my father raised me. But before that, I was nothing...

19. Are you active among the Otherkin community?

I am, but I tend to be active while everyone else is asleep. I'm nocturnal.

20. Are you religious? What faith do you follow? Does it contradict your Otherkin identity or do you feel that the two are synonymous somehow?

I believe in a God or even the possibility of multiple Gods, but that is the extent of my religious beliefs. So, I just live my life and sometimes pray as a way to get answers on why my life is so..weird.

21. Have you ever been emotionally, verbally, or physically harassed simply for being Otherkin?

Not yet. I've been very selective on who I tell. The only person I want to tell is my husband, but he refuses to listen. He thinks it's a Furry thing. I guess I'll let him be blissfully ignorant.

22. Do you feel you are oppressed because you are Otherkin?

Not oppressed by society like a person of color or a trans person, just kinda oppressed by my husband. I dont understand why he would question something I do then not let me explain it. I know he still loves me or else I wouldn't have the life I do, it's just confusing.

23. What is your take on fictionkin/mediakin? What about machinekin and appliancekin?

I don't quite feel comfortable with "Factkin", but anything else, that is their identity. I shouldn't have and possibly will never have the ability to judge or say anything about someone else's identity. If that is you, it's you.

24. Did the awakening process seem relatively easy, or difficult to you? Why?

Very easy, in a sense that I already knew I wasn't human and I just needed some help realizing I wasn't alone and that it was ok to feel that way. Difficult because I still can't tell exactly what I am, so I go by werewolve.

25. What do you think of the information provided online about Otherkin, is it relevant or not?

I believe its relevant. It definitely helped me come to terms with myself, and talking to veterans (as we call them) helped me a lot too. It just depends on the articles and people you talk to.

26. How has your Otherkinity/Therianthropy defined you as a person? Do you feel as if it has given you morals that you didn't have before?

It's given me an identity, but it's only taught me to be more open minded and tolerant of other people's identities and ideas and questions,etc.

27. Have you learned any life-long lessons due to your Otherkinity? 

To be more tolerant and open minded.

28. What do you want to do with your life?

That's a tough one. Firstly, raise my son to be an amazing, tolerant person in society, and secondly, be who I am. Even if it means living out in the woods for eternity, so be it.

29. Do you have any tips or advice for young and newly-Awakened Otherkin?

Seek help. Seek out a veteran. Let people question you. It may annoy you to no end, but it helps in the long run. Most importantly, remember, you are you. You are valid.

30. Anything else you'd like to share with us?

Respect others and their identities.

Be kind.

Remember, you are you.

Awwooooo.

Original is by @justanotherkin

[diariesof-kg]

Listen Linda!

08_15_21

I am excited!!  My VH1 credit should be on my IMDB page real soon.  Pause why Black Panther is filming in ATL and I never knew when they started filming.  I definitely need an agent in ATL, I have the financial ability to fly back and forth.  I just don’t know if I am willing to shave my head.  Even if they offered me 500k, I’d still be hesitant. Lol.  And they are filming in the middle of fall and winter and I can’t stand being cold.  God is good!  I am unsure what to do with my health though.  Again, I’ve come to terms years ago, about what could possibly happen.  I bet ol girl would be happy if I perished, she wished it on me anyway. Lol, But that besides the point at hand.  Something is definitely wrong with my body and I am beyond over it.  Thank God for life insurance I guess.  I barely have debts except for my school loans.  I wrote out my goals, I just need to make a vision board at this point.  I am definitely hoping everything manifests.  I’ll be debt free by December of this year.  And then my credit score should be above average and then I figured out how to get a Tesla without spending 40k.  The most I am willing to spend is 30k but that’s where negotiating comes in.  Unless the car goes over 300 miles per charge, I am not spending that much.  I’ve driven a Tesla. Model S and the charge goes down quick with all the usage.  I want a model S so bad, but Ill take the Model 3 or Y. 

My child got out twice now.  I told her the outside is for the street cats and she’s not about that life, of course she responds. Lol.  I am definitely blessed for her.  Who would have thought I’d have a cat that responds and talks to me.  Understands commands.  It’s beyond crazy sometimes but I am grateful.  I remember after the incident I was crying so bad and Zena was trying to get in my lap but I kept putting her on the floor.  I feel so bad she waned to comfort me and I rejected it.  But I truly love her to death.  I bought her a leash to train her to go outside but she isn’t having it, but then yells at me to put it on.  I guess she runs everything.  She also loves helping the clients.  Lol.  Whether that’s talking while I’m on the phone or typing random shit from the keyboard.  

I finally broke my silence.  Not entirely.  I’m still hesitant about reaching out to my community about what happened to me.  I told one person in the industry and I said, it’s not about exploiting or exposing but it’s about safety.  If I was attacked I am sure it’ll happen to someone else and that’s the point of speaking on it.  I would be in the wrong if it was lies and I made up this whole story for revenge, but unfortunately it really happened.  I have the court documents saved as PDF and people can look it up with my name or the case number.  This is why I am blessed my record is clean.  Because on my IMDB, it shows if the industry is googling you or reviewing your page.  And if I had a criminal or something as a restraining order on my record, I could lose out on bookings.  Reputation matters.  Producers always call me back for a gig.  And no one wants to work with someone who can’t control their anger.  Thank God that isn’t me.  I can be upset, but I’d NEVER put my hands let alone bite someone.  I am hesitant about posting pictures of the bite, but I feel like that’s my finally closure.  Closure and forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  I think that’s how I am able to receive all these blessings.  I always forgive people in order to set myself free.  The misery I would feel if I didn’t. 

*side note; I am craving Prank’s Egg white omelette and potatoes. ; with some syrup.  I am not sure when I’ll make it over there but it’ll be soon.  Most places don’t even do egg white omelette which too me isn’t as dry as a regular omelette. It’s like being in love with the first bite, it’s so good. 

Imagine on my birthday a Tesla arrives.  Yall I’d pass out.  Lol.  I definitely want that car and then I’ll get a townhouse.  The way they check your credit though itll be tricky I suppose.  And of course mom can rent out my room.  This room is beyond 600 sq ft.  Its a whole ass studio.  Matter fact if she takes the entertainment room, where my sister sleeps and my room and the bathroom, that’s a steal.  I have been looking for townhouses to rent but some are two bedrooms and are tiny.  And I am spoiled to be honest.  I refuse to live in a box.  Which means paying over 2k a month.  But that’s the whole point of upgrading your life.  I will never forget when I met my brother for the first time and he said I was boujie because I had a Champion jacket on. Lol, SMH!  What’s so wrong with upgrading your life.  Phew, black people never can just say something is cute or looks good without the extras.  The Champion jacket was hella expensive and I bought it on my credit card, because I was broke.  I like the color and how it looked. Lol, never knew it would categorize me as boujie.  

That’s why lowkey I am scared to get the Tesla.  Because when next year comes around and I FINALLY heal and get myself right to date.  I don’t want to go out on a date and they think, because I have a Tesla I got monies.  I was ignorant for that too.  My ex has a big ass house and a Mercedes and I quickly learned it wasn’t even like that.  Plus a Mercedes is really an expensive Chrysler, both vehicles share the same interior, but who gon tell them?  Can we just clap for people who upgrade their lives.  Can we do that starting 2022.  My plan is at the end of this year to finish doing overtime and then grab my savings and get a loan, hopefully at least 20k and I pay the rest like 10-15k.  And BOOM a Tesla is born.  I am always planning, I created a whole financial excel sheet to predict how much I need to make to reach my goals.  Then I have my Godson and his future.  I may go ahead and put 5k in his savings just to set him in stone for the next two years.  I am waiting for my credit card to say zero!  If I have extra I might send my friends a couple racks.  When I am blessed I have to pass the blessings to the next.

I love the BUFFINS!!!  I just can’t over how beautiful their lives are.  Sevyn wanted Annie and she got her.  They proposed and got married and three years later had their first child and I am just so happy for them.  I am like this, let me re-manifest someone from the ATL.  Because my homeboy literally is moving to be with his fiance after meeting her a short time and he’s a Capricorn.  Listen, I was so close but I ended up getting violated violently, so lets start over.  Caps are so loyal and faithful.  But I am not ready to find someone yet.  I kind of want to establish a few things first.  I want to HEAL.  This was definitely a traumatizing experience.  Adding more to my PTSD.  I want to be comfortable speaking about it if asked.  There is a lot to work on at this time.  Plus, I want to get this car and this townhouse.  Also, I don’t want to be afraid to jump into the deep end.  Like when I fall in love again, I dont want to be hesitant to make someone my girlfriend, even if it’s a short period of time.  I don’t want to rush but I don’t want to hold back my emotions either.  I pray I can fall in love again.  I honestly do.  I thought I couldn’t and then I did to a person who attacked me.  Feels wasted.  I want to take chances.  I should have taken that second date with this other girl. Lol, fuck !  And I wouldn’t have been in this mess.  

To end this, I know relationships are not easy, I was in one for five years.  I have the strength but also, I don’t have to tolerate shit.  If the universe sends me a damn Taurus, we going straight to counseling, because I refuse.  Lol, they are literally all abusive asf.  In the meantime, I am waiting for the victims group to get back to me about my case.  If they agree, somebody going to jail and it’s not me.  I mean literally what happened to my bff ex, lordt.  we call her crazy bish, but she was mad she was arrested for the DV.  Like how can people be upset about their own actions that they chose.  Now you see why, when my bff asked if she was a Taurus and she said yes, why they were scared for me.  Lol, because them May Taurus are real life abusers.  Someone prove me wrong and Ill give them 10k.  But on a good note.  God is good!!!!!

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[amazingspiderfan110]

What If pt 1

This is the what if dewey became spiderman, but in extra detail. Takes place after this other fan-fic https://www.wattpad.com/653834340-the-show-must-go-on-dancing-in-the-dark/page/3 and https://www.wattpad.com/story/148178722-reservation-for-four, The only difference is at the dance, before dewey fell into the shark tank, he got bit by the spider, and the age is 10 instead of 12. And takes place after the shadow war.

Story:

Dewey’s pov:

Tonight, im going to win big. I found a wrestling match on the internet, and i need a cool suit, I have a general idea of what my powers were, I can stick on walls, spider sens, which is why i suspected Vincent was evil, increased durability and healing, which explains why i didn’t die in that plane crash in the Sahara, and i found out i had super strength recently. So i knew my outfit had to be spider themed. I started to brainstorm, I wanted to hide my face, so i need a mask, no, i look weird in a mask, I GOT IT,, i can wear a hoodie, add some goggles, and get a black bandanna, and use it as a mouth cover. I should add a webbing pattern on the suit, and It should be blue and......Black, yes. Now I just need to make the suit, But how? Luckily im the nephew of scrooge mcduck. SO i go out and buy what i need, took me 6 hours, but i made the suit, the lenses were the easiest, i just got lenses, put a black frame on it and and some mesh so i can see out, but no one can see in. I go out to the fight. I won easily but instead of winning 25k, i won 250 dollars. His excuse, i won quickly, if anything i should have won extra money, he can get robbed for all i care, and that’s what happened, I let the robber pass me, its not like its going to backfire anytime soon.

I start walking home, not a care in the world, i snuck back in my room, and changed to my normal clothes, and walked downstairs, everyone was crying, but why.. Then that’s when i learned the truth, uncle Donald was killed. I couldn’t believe it, you sure, yes, it was, and whoever killed him was going to pay. I put on my suit, and tracked down the killer. I wanted one thing, payback, i threw him around, and kicked him around, i wanted to hear his pain, and i decided to turn on a light to see his fear, i wanted to see his pain, then i realized something, it was the guy that robbed the man that robbed me of my cash, i could've stopped him, but i didn’t. It was my fault uncle Donald was dead, my fault.

“GAH”

I woke up, i got hit with some knock-out gas, why, because i was fighting a rouge group of beagle boys who are attempting to steal the diamond-jewel thing that mark beaks stole a 2 1/2 months ago during Huey's camping trip. And they hit me mid air, i tried a sneak attack from above, but they saw me coming, luckily i was very high, so i woke up just in time, now to stop them.  The truck was surrounded by 4 cars, so i decided to break in one, and crash it into another car, and the other 2 i just threw 2 spears into their tires. Now for the main attraction. I jumped on the truck, and i knocked on the window and he had the smart idea to look so i punched him in the face.I Threw him out and stopped the truck. Then I noticed the driver was getting away, I had the smart idea because when i caught up with him, he had a weapon, i dodged every single bullet, and webbed him up. And OH CRAP, i missed my presentation at school, and i was supposed to help webby practice her paper about hope, well i decided to ditch school completely. Besides, i would only give her a bunch of stammering, DANG SCROOGE, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY I HAVE A CRUSH ON HER, i was perfectly fine not knowing about my crush on her. You would think after the Vincent incident i would have told her, well thanks to my life as spider man and me being nervous. But  as a bonus, my powers did get me out of tough situations during our adventures. But im also distancing myself from my best friend, i hope she did fine on her presentation.

webbys pov

Its over, i went up there and did my presentation, how ironic that a simple speech can make me nervous, but not a city crumbling while you are still inside. But im sort of thankful that Dewey didn’t show up. I would have gave him awkward silence. I developed my crush a week after the Vincent incident, and dewey was acting like himself again, then a week later and he constantly keeps on disappearing. Except if we are going on adventures of course, maybe it was Donald’s death. But I dismissed that theory quickly, because he would have told me, RIGHT?  But when i tried to talk to him, he quickly walks away. Maybe he still has a grudge after 2 months, maybe, I was kind of a jerk to him. I tried asking him but he always says “have to check on something” or “can we talk about this later. He didn’t make any dewey dew-night videos, something is off with him. “you did great”said my best friend Lena, “thanks, im just upset dewey didn’t get to see it”

“Its ok, i decided to film it”said Huey

“thanks”

But why did dewey leave, this is the 3rd time he ditched school. But then again, this place is crazy, Gandra dre is Now known as Doctor Octopus. Mark Beaks built his own waddle duck suit, glomgold returned, And the sky pirates attempted to take over Duckberg. This place is crazy, and on top of that, a shadow army attacked this place, and spiderman, he saved my life once. He is a true hero, I would literally go out whoever was under that mask, even if he had a deformed face. And if he was her age. And where does dewey go.

Dewey's pov

Great, I forgot I was supposed to get a shovel for Huey today, I don’y know why, but I think he is trying to earn another badge, And he couldn't get his own? I luckily brought my clothes so i can walk in the store. I bout the shovel and its 3:30, school should be out. So i start walking home. I beat everyone to the mansion. I climb in my window, and i see my photo of mom. I knew what she did, Mom and dad crashed o the moon, i didn’t know why they even did that. Maybe she learned something she wasn’t supposed to and people wanted to use that info to create some sort of weapons, probably. At least my parents loved me. Webby’s parents just abandoned her, feeling no guilt, for all i care, they could be stuck inside a volcano, or maybe they did care but they were threatened and  were forced to go into hiding. I dont care.Then Huey walked in,”Here is webby’s speech, i taped,” Huey tossed me a SD card “Thanks”I responded,”and here is your shovel”I handed Huey his shovel”thanks”

“don’t mention it”

“also, where were you, this is the 3rd time you ditched, can you explain what you were doing”

“UH, i....was.....”

“you like webby, don’t you”

“WhY WoUlD YoU SaY ThAt”

“it all makes sense, you get sweaty around her which started about 2 months ago”

the first 2 weeks was because of the spider bite

“your face would turn red, and you tried to avoid talking to her”

actually 50% of the time was because im trying to make sure this city wont blow up

“and when you do talk, you stammer”

“WHAAAAAA, no i don’t”

“yes you do, just admit it”

“OK FINE, i do like webby, but what if this destroys our friendship”

“at least be honest, now if you excuse me, im going to, uhhhhh”

“talk to lily”

“nooooo......yes”

“its ok, louie already told me”

“WHAAAA”

Huey ran downstairs, i heard a how could you, and a dead to me, but as a bonus, Huey will probably tell me one of Louie's secrets. So that’s a win. But how should i tell webby how i feel, heck i feel so nervous around her, my spidey sense registers her a threat and goes off when she is around. And my spidey sense was going off.

“Hi dewey”

“Oh, hi webby”

“so....i just wanted to know why are you so distant around me, its like your’e holding a grudge against me”

“what, no”

“well then, what is it”

I cant tell her, not now, I KNOW

“meet me in the forrest at 7 in the afternoon tomorrow”

“Ok”

YES, I did it, and the best part is that I can also tell her I’m spider man. Its going to be awesome

Webby’s pov

tomorrow at 7 in the forests, finally i will know what dewy’s been up to, and if I get the chance, i will tell him how i feel, I walked in barley to contain myself. “What now”said lena

“I.....Talk.....Dewey”

“your’e going to tell him you have a crush on him, or he is going to tell you”

“yep”

“what if he doesn’t like you”

“then we can probably be friends”

“probably”

“Have you tried to tell someone how you felt”

“Uh........not exactly”

“who was it”

“uhhhhh”

“SPIT IT OUT”

“OK OK, right after glomgolds party i-”

“say it”

“I-....I kissed Louie”

:WHAT”

“i know, and i do like him, and he might like me, well yeah he does, in 2 days, were going to hang out”

I never knew lena actually did that, and the fact that she was able to keep it hidden for so long.

“webby, question, is there any good movies coming out yet”

“uhhh, Thor Ragnarok, Iron duck 3″

“Is that the one with that new song ready aim fire”

“Yep”

“ill take louie to see that”

I can’t believe it, im helping 2 of my friends go on a date, this world is crazy, but at least we have spiderman and gizmoduck to help us.

louies pov

I’m just sitting here playing video games, while listening to a song lena suggested, and its catchy

**

I am a freedom fighter, the name that history wrote And even through disaster, eye of the tiger for hope I'm trying to find my way back, there's no day off for heroes And even when I'm tired, gold is the only word i know And the night is takin' over And the moonlight gets exposure And the players have been chosen And it seems like fate has spoken When it seems your faith has broken By the second, losin' focus Ain't no way to get off, get off, get off, get off Unless you I bet you wonder how I go on                                                                              ****l simply say its on again, its on again **

, Its stuck in my head, and its weird that the singer sounds like lena, i heard her sing when she was in the bathroom. But then all of a sudden i hear webby

“FINALLY”

“What now webby”

I found Magica’s Amulet”

“didn’t that thing almost kill us

“its not like there is more of these”

Then Huey walks in screaming,”GUYS, I FOUND SOMETHING”

we walk outside to see a box with 3 amulets that look like magica’s, except they were green, blue, and red.

“you jinxed it”

“I know Louie”

“we should take this to gyro”

We asked launchpad to drive us to the other bin, then we entered the lab,

“Gyro, we need you to look over these amulets and see what they do”

“why”

“we want to know if these would kill us or not”

“Fine, i’ll have results by tomorrow”

“thanks”

This is crazy, my life is crazy, I mean crazy. Me and lena, were not a couple, i think. I know, Ill ask tomorrow if we should be a couple. 

[decodervon]

all of this is terrible.

I dont care the world is drowning in it's own blood.

this was always going to happen. we dont live in a safe world. they're arent magic angels keeping everyone safe.

but all I think about in these times are you.

I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm in love with someone who isnt in love with me. it was the only thing I knew how to do right; dedicate my soul to you.

I know it was kind of a fetish to pretend to have kids together. like a naughty make believe. but i.. that's something my body innately wants to do. and my mind chooses you.

it blows my mind to think I actually wanted kids with you. kids period. like who knows of I would have ever brought it up or wanted to follow through.. but that's still.. big.

my mind spends so much time thinking what I can do or say to get you to leave him. I never have any ideas, because I recognize the behavior and shut it down, but it starts right up again the second I try to forget about it.

I guess I never tried asking. Will you please leave him for me? I still love you. I miss you every day. I want to treat you the way you're supposed to be treated for the rest of our lives. I will always hold you at the top of my list and love you as hard as i can.

but I know you dont have faith in me. a lot of that rattles around in me. you saying you want to have faith in me. it doesn't make sense. you either have faith or you dont. trust is something you want to have in someone. that's something given over time. faith is innate. like. agnostics want to have faith in god, but it will never happen. faith is... a certain understanding. its seeing how everyone around is affected.. its seeing how your life changes. its understanding that the other person, even alone, is still there for you. no plots or schemes against you or behind your back. they're there and honest because they want to be, not because they have to.

I'm thinking about blocking you from my stories.

I know. it might not make immediate sense. why now? didnt I say I wasnt going to do that?

what I said was: "I promised myself I'm not going to spend myself anymore for you." and by that I meant, I will not spend any extra thought or emotional strength in relation to you unless I choose to. I would run myself ragged trying to calm your anxieties or get you to take a break. trying to help explain away your fears so your logical mind could rest. I know what its like to be as smart as you and overthink. I spent a lot of my time trying to support you. trying to support your mind and feelings. I managed my own and yours as best I could.

anyhow. I didnt block you at first because I was mad. I wasnt trying to intentionally spite you, but if you saw my pain or my happiness? good. eff you. etc. it wasnt good and it wasnt evil. and then I started to notice you noticing. I started to hope for it. I wanted you to see me in pain and I wanted you to reach out. I miss you and I wanted to cry for help. you're the only person I can say, "I'm scared and I dont know if I'm going to survive" but the lack of faith comes in. to you, to someone who hasn't any faith left, that's a manipulation tactic, it's a way to get you to do something. but that's assuming that I think you'll do anything for me. we're so far apart now that nothing like that can or would work, even if that WAS my tactic, which it's not.

the real and sad truth is: I'm flailing. I'm drowning in my own head and I'm reaching out for the person I need when I think I'm going to drown. and the sad part is: it's you. who thinks this is all a play. all a game. all a tactic. but I cant stop myself from thinking about the love you two share. I cant stop thinking about how he takes care of you now. I cant stop thinking that hes who you're sharing your emotions with. and I know that he is. you pretty much said as much.

it's how you work and I know that much. he likes you, so he'll listen to anything you want to complain about. you could cry about anything and hell just ask for more. you're cute enough and he barely knows you. it's the same thing I would do.

anyhow. I cant turn those thoughts off. I cant. just like you cant turn your anxieties off. or your fears. this is my truest, most ultimate realized fear: you moving on. my mind is panicking. my heart is racing. my dreams and nightmares are filled with you. the only manipulation I want is for you to love me and I'll say it flat out. I miss your care and I miss you. we learned how to communicate 1 second too late and its tragic. you must understand how immensely tragic that is.

but I also do know you. you didnt leave kenny when I asked you to. I know in your head, you did. but you went back to him within months. you cant break up with someone on tuesday and date them again on friday. that's not a break. that's nothing. you know for a fact I would leave everything for you. you literally just have to say the word. but you're not like that. you're practical. you're pragmatic. you want the best bang out of your buck and with no faith in me, what would happened if you did choose me, I was bad, and you burned a bridge with your current boyfriend for no reason? youd be in the cold, looking like a fool.

and I know that's what ultimately stops you. "self-preservation" some might call it. or even "selfish". it really depends on who you're going back to.

and I know you still see me as a monster. but as you get older and start to lose yourself to pain and the normal human anguish.. you'll understand that you're not as solid as you though. you'll change and flail and understand. I was a good man in a bad time. I would've changed the world for you if you asked.

anyways.. that's neither here nor there. blocking you. now that I'm craving you. now that I miss you and want to see you and think about how good our conversations are..? I long for you. I pine for you. I try and hold onto the anger, because it makes me forget about you. but I cant hold onto it like I did before we talked. you helped me process it and I'm left with the infinite sadness.

if I do end up blocking you, it's because I know my stories are just gossip to you. it's something to talk about when the conversation has a lull. you dont care about what I'm going through. not enough to do anything. you care enough to watch it unfold and watch me slowly drown and die. it's all a tragic story to you that's a million miles away. but it's my life. its my day to day. I check my viewers now so I can see you saw it and it's all wrong. I cant be doing that. whether I'm angry or sad... I have to forget about you. because you wont embrace your emotions and come back to me. that's not how this story ends. we're not in some fairy tale where you finally understand and I show up to interrupt your wedding and say, "I have an objection!" and steal you away on my motorcycle. theres no surprise party waiting for me. the story just... ends. unceremoniously like it almost didnt even happen.

I dont want to be something for your tokien curiosity to inquire on. I want your love. I want your secret calls at 2am. I want you to flee and find yourself in your car outside my house. I want to embrace you and hear you whisper that I'm better.

so if I stop showing up for you.. you'll know why.

I might even end up deleting this space.

[timdjohnson131-blog]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It's my Real Life Story. It's been a while since I've updated it and while I wasn't initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I've felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you've pulled your boot straps up so high that you're wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you're letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I've learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we'll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don't know, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I've ever had. I can't share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court's addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn't hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you'll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you'd noticed.

So for the last little while, I've focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I've dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I've cut out everything in my life that doesn't fill me with hope and happiness (I'm looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It's quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I'm creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you've made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I've been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you're interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

[karenpbrown12-blog]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It's my Real Life Story. It's been a while since I've updated it and while I wasn't initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I've felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you've pulled your boot straps up so high that you're wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you're letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I've learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we'll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don't know, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I've ever had. I can't share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court's addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn't hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you'll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you'd noticed.

So for the last little while, I've focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I've dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I've cut out everything in my life that doesn't fill me with hope and happiness (I'm looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It's quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I'm creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you've made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I've been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you're interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

[lowmaticnews]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It’s my Real Life Story. It’s been a while since I’ve updated it and while I wasn’t initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I’ve felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you’ve pulled your boot straps up so high that you’re wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you’re letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I’ve learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we’ll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don’t know, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I’ve ever had. I can’t share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court’s addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn’t hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you’ll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you’d noticed.

So for the last little while, I’ve focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I’ve dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I’ve cut out everything in my life that doesn’t fill me with hope and happiness (I’m looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It’s quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I’m creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you’ve made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I’ve been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you’re interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition published first on https://landscapingmates.blogspot.com

[alexrodriguespage]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It’s my Real Life Story. It’s been a while since I’ve updated it and while I wasn’t initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I’ve felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you’ve pulled your boot straps up so high that you’re wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you’re letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I’ve learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we’ll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don’t know, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I’ve ever had. I can’t share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court’s addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn’t hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you’ll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you’d noticed.

So for the last little while, I’ve focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I’ve dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I’ve cut out everything in my life that doesn’t fill me with hope and happiness (I’m looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It’s quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I’m creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you’ve made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I’ve been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you’re interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

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