#like maybe look at least a little bit in the mirror before making hit tweets or quote tweeting the weird stalker account

[huccimermaidshirts]

.

[pucksnsticksnhockeyboys]

there for you

summary: your best friend Bowen can’t help but draw some connections between you and your favorite show. 

word count: 2k

warnings: heavy spoilers for New Girl. like, its basically the premise of the fic

note from the writer: here’s a link to a tweet with the scene im talking about in this fic, its from the episode “Oregon” (season 4 ep 16). shoutout to @bqstqnbruin​ for finding it for me

Bowen had long since stopped asking to come over before showing up on your doorstep. Usually, he’d send a ‘are you home?’ text to make sure you were around, before heading to your apartment for whatever reason he had in mind.

The latest text had come in twenty minutes ago, so you knew he was going to show up soon.

Like clockwork, you heard a knock on your front door and Bowen greeting your roommates before your bedroom door opened. He was grinning, wide as ever, and you opened your arms for a hug from your position laying in bed, under the covers and in the middle of a New Girl marathon.

“Scoot over.” Bowen grins, barely giving you enough time to react before dropping on top of you, arms wrapped around your middle and his head nuzzled into the crook of your neck. You paused the show, not wanting to miss anything despite being on your third rewatch.

You wondered if he could feel how fast your heart was beating. If he knew just how much his touch affected you, how many feelings you were harboring from him.

“What’s up?” You asked, pushing away any thoughts about your massive crush on your best friend as you tried to get to the bottom of why he showed up out of the blue. It wasn’t the first time he had done so, but he always had a reason.

“I wanted to see you. Practice was rough.” He mumbled in the crook of your neck. Your heart skipped a beat at his words, how they fell past his lips so easily. Those words made you think that maybe your feelings weren’t so one sided, that there was a chance for you to be even happier than you already were with your best friend.

“You’re going to make me blush.” You teased, downplaying the fact that he really did manage to fluster you. Bowen snorted, squeezing you tightly once more instead of responding to your comment. An easy moment of silence passed, one that wasn’t stifling or awkward and it reminded you once more just how much you enjoyed being around Bowen. Subconsciously, one of your hands threaded through his hair. “I like it when your hair is longer like this.”

Your words were punctuated by a tug on his roots and though he didn’t say anything, he hummed contentedly. You worried that maybe he’d be able to hear the hammering of your heart or he’d know that the smile on your face wasn’t because of your platonic love for him. You feared that he would know—know how much you loved him and know that you had been hiding your feelings for so long. But you couldn’t let yourself think too much about that, you couldn’t let yourself overthink and ruin one of your closest friendships, so you tactfully changed the subject.

“Are we napping or watching my show?” You asked, though you had a pretty good idea what his answer would be.

“Nap, please.” He mumbled, and you could never deny him, especially when he was acting so sleepy and adorable, so you agreed easily. You both shifted your positions slightly, you trying to find the comfiest spot and him climbing under the covers with you, but eventually you both melted into your mattress, Bowen’s head still buried in the crook of your neck.

Bowen tried to stay awake a little longer; to tell you about his morning and the practice he had just come from that had drained his energy completely. But before long, his words were slurring together and when he stopped mid sentence, you knew he had fallen asleep with his arms wrapped around you and your fingers carding through his hair.

You tried to stay up too, to relish in the feeling of being in his arms. But you knew that pretending like it meant something more than it did was only going to break your heart more, so soon after he dozed off you closed your eyes and followed suit.

You were the first one to wake up, a combinatin of Bowen’s weight on you becoming slightly uncomfortable and the need to use the bathroom, so you did your best to climb out from underneath him without waking him. You thought you had made it out clear, but the moment your feet hit the floor Bowen was stirring from behind you.

“Where are you going?” He mumbled, causing you to halt your movements. It was far from the first time you had heard his gravelly voice just after he woke up, but it never failed to make your heart race. You swore you could listen to him talk forever, which was a good thing, since he never seemed to be able to stop talking.  

“Bathroom. I’ll be right back.” You told him, finally standing to your feet. When you turned back around, Bowen was already watching you with tired eyes that made your heart clench. God, you were so gone for him.

You slipped out of the room without saying anything more, not trusting yourself to not blurt out just exactly how his smile made you feel. When you returned, he was sitting up against your headboard, your laptop open on his lap as he queued up the episode you had been watching before he arrived.

“New Girl again?” Bowen teased when he spotted you enter the room. You playfully rolled your eyes at him, climbing back into your spot beside him on the bed. You mirrored his position, though you dropped your head against his shoulder.

“It’s a good show. Plus, Jess and Nick’s relationship is my favorite.” You told him decidedly, like you had a dozen times before. The relationship between Jess and Nick truly was somehting you strived for—friends that were always in love with each other, no matter the problems that arised and even when they were broken up they did their best to keep the other happy.

“Fair enough.” He chuckled, shifting slightly so that his arm was around you and he could hold you closer to his side. “What episode are we on?”

“Oregon.” You started, knowing you’d have to catch him up on more than just the episode name. “Jess, Cece, and the guys go to Portland because Jess’ dad is getting married. Jess’ boyfriend, Ryan, was supposed to show up but since he lives in England he said it wouldn’t make sense for him to be there. So, Nick’s trying to make Jess feel better because he secretly loves her and I just need them to get back together.”

“Don’t they end up together though?” Bowen asks, trying to recall as much about the show as he could. It might not have been one of his personal favorites, but he knew you loved it, so that was enough for him to try and follow along.

“Yeah, but they aren’t right now.” You confirm. Before Bowen could ask anymore questions, you pressed play on your laptop and continued where you left off. Jess and the group had just arrived at her childhood home, only to find her mom ready to greet Ryan, who wasn’t there. The scene played on, with Nick telling Jess the hard truth that Ryan bailing wasn’t okay.

You could feel Bowen’s eyes on you as the scene changed to Nick comforting Jess in her room. Giggling at the Jordan Catalano joke, you tried your best to focus on the screen and not the piercing blue eyed gaze that seemed to be studying your face. And, like you always did when you got to this scene, you bit your lip to supress a grin as Nick delivered his next line.

“The only thing that matters is that the guy is there for you when you need him. Otherwise, you’re dating a wall.”

“Are you even paying attention, Bow? That’s like, my favorite line. What I wouldn’t give to have someone love me the way Nick loves Jess.” You sighed, settling further against Bowen as the episode continued on. He didn’t say anything in response, other than a quiet hum, but for the rest of the episode you could practically hear the gears turning inside his head as he turned his attention to the screen.

Netflix automatically continued on to the next episode, but as soon as the intro started Bowen’s hand shot out and paused the show. You looked at him curiously; the two of you usually got through at least a couple of episodes whenever you hung out like you were then.

“You know…” Bowen started, trailing off before he finished his thought. He wasn’t meeting your gaze, and it was clear that what he wanted to say was on the tip of his tongue so you stayed silent while he found his words. “I’m always there for you.”

You felt your heart stop beating and skip three beats all at once. You weren’t sure where he was going with his train of thought, but if you had to guess you would be getting your hopes up. Because there was absolutely no way that he felt the same for you that Nick does for Jess.

“Yeah, you are…” You breathed, trying to get him to meet your gaze but instead he stayed focused on your comforter pulled over both of your laps. The hand that wasn’t around your shoulders was toying with the fabric, and in a bid to calm him down enough to get him to say what he needed you slipped your hand into his. Bowen drew in a steadying breath and finally met your gaze, a dozen and one emotions swirling behind his eyes.

“I love you, you know.” He said firmly, like there was no question about it in the slightest and not the very words you had been dying to hear from him for years. You nodded, unable to form words but not wanting to leave him hanging.

You supposed you did know that he loved you. He showed it in his blatant affection and the frequent texts about how his life was going. He cared for you, there was no doubt about it, but you had never let yourself believe that he meant anything more than friendship. And now he was offereing everything you’d ever wanted on a silver platter.

“Bowen,” You started, but you couldn’t find the words to tell him just how much you loved him back. Instead, you moved the hand that wasn’t wrapped up in his to rest on Bowen’s jaw, turning his head just slightly so that you could press your lips to yours in a long awaited kiss that stole your breath.

Kissing Bowen felt so much better than what you imagined. The angle was a little odd and your neck was craned to face him, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. You’d share a thousand more awkwardly positioned kisses if it meant you got to be with Bowen.

You were the first to pull away, but you didn’t move far, wide grins on both of your faces as you took in the events of the past few moments. Your friendship was definitely changed, and in place was a relationship that you had been hoping for.

“I love you, too.” You finally mumbled. You wanted to tell him how you had loved him from the moment you met, how he made you fall in love with him with each and every day, but for the moment all that mattered was he knew you loved him just the same as he loved you.

“I hope, or else this is going to be awkward.” He mumbled playfully, leaning in again to close the distance between the two of you. You couldn’t help but chuckle against him, your hand slipping from his jaw to curve around the back of his neck in order to deepen the kiss.

Bowen was the Nick to your Jess, and not a day went by that you weren’t greatful for him.

[renidrag]

I literally can’t stop thinking about how the finale is going to play out for Greta and Riley and was wondering if you could give me your theories if you have any.

Like we know that they’re finally going to talk to each other but who do you think is going to initiate the conversation? What’s going to happen that they finally breakdown and talk? Also, what do you think is going on with Luz? Do you think she’s the one that tells Greta about her and Riley or does Riley tell her herself? Why else would Luz be at the party though? I’m having such a hard time picturing how it’s all going to play out in this one episode. Like there’s so much that needs to be addressed will it even end on a good note for them?? If the season ends with them on bad terms and we don’t get a season 2 I’ll be devastated.

Sorry that’s a lot of questions but I just want to know how you think it’s all gonna go down. I’ve loved reading all of your other theories and analyses!

alright alright let me answer this question by question lmao but this is all speculation ofc because I have NO IDEA

because the pics we have of the conversation are in riley's room and because she's been the one to try to initiate conversation the past three times we've seen them talk - in ep 14 when riley yells at greta, the 'wow greta you look great' line (still can't believe she said this on a group facetime aljsfdjsald) and their final almost-convo in ep 15 - it seems most likely that it will be riley who pulls her aside so that they can be alone in a room together (for like the third time ever!!!) and so that she can finally hear the end of 'actually I wanted to tell you'

on the other hand I'm also thinking that maybe greta has had enough of being interrupted. she's been trying to have this out with riley for so long that maybe on this third attempt she just shuts them in a room together so that she can say her piece. if she's been thinking over this one conversation and all the different ways it could go endlessly for days then maybe she just hits the point where she can't hold it in for a second longer

from the sneak peek where greta says 'I can like someone, like really like them' the only thing that makes sense to me is her explaining that she is actually extremely into riley, that she can really like someone if she's connected with them and that that person is riley. in the hug at the end of the sneak peek greta looks like she's crying so I've seen people speculate that it's like a goodbye hug or something, but if I had finally spilled my guts to this girl that I'm all in on I'd probably be bawling too. maybe riley pulls her in to tell her that everything is going to be alright, and that she's valid and that riley still likes her so much no matter what?? they're always so tentative with touching each other and the only other time they've hugged it was pretty brief and awkward at x files night, so that hug honestly just looks like relief to me. it must feel so good for both of them just to hold onto each other like that - a mirror of the hug between chester and riley in ep 14. some people just make you feel correct

in terms of luz being there, the afterparty at riley's house is filled with a bunch of other random people from their school like the party in the pilot so it's not weird to me that she's there. maybe luz is regretting giving up on greta and is coming back for a second try, or maybe she's just there to either have a good time or start drama idk at this point

this dialogue from ep 15 has me really interested to see whether riley chooses to perpetuate her dad's cycle of dishonesty because she feels she has no choice, or if she decides to diverge from this doomed path that she thinks is set for her because of who her parents are

if they're doing it just for the drama then she's obviously going to keep it from greta and then luz will come along to ruin everything, but I think it would be much more interesting for them to queer this narrative of untruth and subvert those expectations that we have. riley's not stupid, she knows it's going to hurt greta but I would love if they let her realise that keeping this from greta now is just going to make things worse in the long run

she already has that threat of 'not yet' from luz hanging over her head, and it would be so cool and different for there to be this conversation between the two of them that is just completely honest and sets them up with a clean slate to continue their relationship on. not that I think it will happen really but I'd also love for greta to hear about the hook up and tell riley 'okay I understand that you were upset that night and that made you act in a way that you regret. I don't hate you, you're not a bad person and you're not your dad' rather than being some massive shocking revelation, like that kind of patience and acceptance of trauma is something that we never really see

I really hope that riley tells greta everything that's happening with her home life as well. the 'stuff I don't wanna tell you' line was so pointed and I need her to know that greta is literally just worried because she cares about her so much, and that she honestly does just want to hear what riley's struggling with so she can help her carry that load. we've had two specific instances in ep 1 and ep 9 (funny how the two halves of the season start with this) where riley and greta have been trying to check in and ask the other if they're okay and also get interrupted, so this is finally a chance to not only talk about their own feelings but everything outside of that as well

I really hope this season will end on a good note. obviously they won't be able to resolve everything but even just having a little moment of something at the end of the episode, like that quiet car ride with that tiny hopeful uptick that is bo replying to chester at the end of ep 8 is kind of enough for me as long as we get a season two. I've said this before but ending a season of a show about queer people on some cliffhanger of pain and misery and chaos just seems like the absolute wrong message for any creator who is also queer to send. like that's why we make art that represents ourselves, to tell kids that it does get better, and there is hope and light and love at the end of the tunnel

not to compare this show to euphoria because I think it’s reductive but there's this thing that sam levinson says about his show that I think really applies here too with how zelda and her dads talk about this show and it makes me feel at least a little bit optimistic about this final episode:

'It’s about how if you keep your heart open, there are people who can change your life, and it’s about love, and it’s a show about being seen and heard and known. It doesn’t cure everything but it sure as fuck helps.'

if you've gotten through this and you have twitter or instagram then go follow the official accounts, tweet something about how much you love this show and hashtag #renewgeneration so that we actually DO get a season 2 :-)

[setterspirit]

long time no talk, huh?

❥ ‑‑‑‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑ ‑

the game had gone by agonizingly slow for suna, because now that he knew your name, he wanted to know if you were her, his best friend from childhood. he cheered when it called for it, stayed silent when atsumu would serve (really nothing had changed from high school), and searching for you between breaks, hoping to catch sight of you and maybe, depending on how perceptive you were, possibly ask you with his eyes if he could talk to you. eventually he found you, across the stadium, sitting with tsukishima and mai, cheering for both kageyama and hinata.

komori noticed suna’s actions, raising an eyebrow curiously at the fox eyed middle blocker. osamu caught on and mouthed “i’ll explain later” to komori who simply nodded skeptically and let suna continue to stare at you across the way.

between your excited cheering for two fo your favorite people in the whole world, to tsukishima’s annoyed comments about how loud you were cheering, to mai’s laughs as you continued to cheer, you didn’t notice the eyes on you, though in the back of your mind you couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching you. you were just being paranoid though, right? who would be staring at you? and if they were, then why would they be staring at you? it wasn’t something you could explain, so you just shook the feeling off and continued to cheer.

at the end of the game, tsukishima meets up with the rest of his first year volleyball team, you and mai following behind because he’s your ride. you excitedly greeted kageyama and hinata, giving both high fives rather than hugs seeing as they were still sweaty. then tsukishima claims he’s had enough of socializing with his old teammates, waving goodbye to them and gesturing for you and mai to follow. you and mai quickly caught up with the middle blocker, still speaking quietly amongst yourselves as tsukishima led the way to the car, driving you both home before he too, headed for his own home.

suna had seen you leave, following quickly behind the middle blocker and whispering quietly with mai, but he chose not to follow, rather, he stayed with osamu, komori, and washio, greeting atsumu as he came out of the locker rooms followed by sakusa and bokuto. suna smiled and congratulated atsumu on the good game, rolling his eyes when osamu and atsumu started to bicker, just like the old days. sakusa and komori were quietly discussing who knew what, and washio was simply off to the side, having congratulated bokuto already. suna went to stand next to the other middle blocker quietly, waiting for komori to finish up what he needed to so they could go back to the teams home.

komori had finished soon enough, heading over to the pair of middle blockers, waving to osamu as the trio left, getting into komori’s car to head out. suna got into the passenger seat, having beat washio to the door, the latter cursing at suna for stealing that spot.

as soon as they were safely buckled up and on the road, komori couldn’t hold it in anymore, so he finally asked the question that had been burning his mind since he noticed suna’s actions. “suna, what, or who, were you staring at during the breaks?”

“oh-” suna muttered, clearing his throat in shock, surprise etched onto his features because he didn’t know komori had caught him. “um- well, when ‘samu and i went out to get dinner, we went to this soba shop that this group went to as well, and there was a girl there that looked so familiar... then ‘samu said she was at the game and that he got her name and- well, let’s just say...i may or may not know who she is.”

“what do you mean ‘may or may not?’” washio questioned from the backseat, eyebrow raised questioning despite the fact that suna couldn’t see it.

“well, it’s been- over ten years since i last saw her, i mean she has the same name, and there are some small signs like the way she smiles or the way her eyes twinkle that give off the vibe that it’s her, but...” suna replied, glancing out the window, missing the look komori and washio exchanged from the mirror.

“well, since you know the name, try finding her twitter, she might be on twitter,” washio suggested, suna nodding slowly in agreement.

first, he typed in ‘l/n’ to no avail, then ‘l/n y/n’ again to no avail. his last hope, which was a huge stretch considering a lot of people could have your name in their users, was to try ‘y/n.’ just as he was about to give up on his search, he came across your profile, the handle making his eyebrows crease in confusion. clicking on your profile, most of your tweets were about someone named eito, the same eito mentioned in your bio, at least from what suna could guess. from reading your posts, he found that eito was your child, and that you seemed to treasure him more than life itself, not that he could blame you when he came across some photos of you and the little boy.

continuing to scroll through your tweets, he was about to give up all hope when he came across an interesting tweet...

his heart jumped to his throat as he stared at the tweet. hyōgō, where she used to live before she moved. no, it couldn’t be her, could it? he knew they hadn’t talked for more than ten years, but just how much had you changed since he’d last seen you?

fingers shaking as he pressed the follow button, didn’t catch the quiet question from komori, worry etched into the liberos features when he glanced over to the seemingly nervous suna. rarely had the libero ever seen the middle blockers usually disinterested or lazy facade fall, but whenever it did, it never failed to throw komori for a loop.

suna quickly typed out a message to you, quickly pressing send before he could chicken out and take back his messages. he was terrified for your response, but if you remembered him, if you could somehow reconnect with him, it would all be worth it, nerves and all.

then he clicked his phone off, though his nerves never eased as he waited for your reply. he was so tempted a few times to go back and delete those messages, but he decided against it, wanting to see for himself if you remembered him or not. little did he know you were already at home, curled up and asleep, aiko having put eito to bed.

when you had arrived home, you profusely thanked the teen for watching over eito on such short notice. she reassured you that it was fine and that she loved coming over to hang out with eito. smiling thankfully, you paid aiko for her services, tipping her a bit extra for the fact she was able to come and babysit on such short notice, before she got a text from her parents to say they were waiting for her to drive her home.

then you started to get ready for bed, going about your nightly routine before you got into bed. no later had your head hit the pillow were you out, quietly snoring peacefully. not too long after you had fallen asleep did your phone ding quietly from it’s place on your nightstand, lighting up the dark room with the light from the small screen.

boy, would you wake up to a surprise tomorrow morning.

TALK ABOUT SURPRISES

[ masterlist | three | four | five ]

word count; 1.2k+

fast facts;

fact #1; suna is nervous because it’s been so long since he last saw y/n that he’s not sure if she remembers him or not. not that y/n would be any different. she would be just as nervous if she were in suna’s shoes, if not more nervous.

fact #2; aiko has been babysitting for y/n since eito was a year old. she absolutely adores the child, happy that she’s been able to see the little kid grow up. she was actually the one that found eito when futakuchi had left him at the amusement park. at first she had shaken off the feeling she knew the kid, but upon closer inspection, she found that it was, in fact, eito. she questioned what sort of idiot would leave eito alone at an amusement park until futakuchi had come to get eito. then it all clicked for her. she knew of everyone in y/n’s group, knew how they all were when it came to the little kid.

fact #3; komori has only ever seen suna break down two times, either time not knowing what to do. he usually ends up calling osamu to see what suna needs, as the ex-wing spiker probably knows better what suna needs than he does.

fact #4; y/n has wanted to go back and visit hyōgō a few times since coming back to japan, though she usually gets busy whenever she is able to even think about that, hence the (at first joking) tweet.

✨) summary; l/n y/n is a single mother living with her 5 year old son in sendai. suna rintarō is a professional volleyball player, the middle blocker for the ejp raijin. the msby black jackals vs the schweiden adlers is a game between two of japan’s v league division 1 teams that bring together many old rivals. y/n is dragged to the game by her cousin, tsukishima kei, claiming she needed to get out and do more than just work and take care of her child. reluctantly, she goes along with the usually salty blond — leaving her 5 year old with a babysitter — to watch the game between two of tsukishima’s ex-teammates. suna makes the executive decision that he will be going to the game to support his former teammate and setter, miya atsumu, with komori asking if he could accompany the middle blocker so he could support his cousin, suna readily agrees and they also invite washio to go with them, knowing he’d want to see bokuto as well. a chance encounter at the game of old reunions brings together two old friends and feelings start to re-emerge. follow y/n and suna as they get to know each other again, fend off any unwanted attention, and work through parenthood in “talk about surprises!”

updates every monday!

taglist; @pieckiya @its-the-aerieljeane @amatee @crayonwriting @reblogthatgoodfanfiction @mint-mai @akaashiwife @kac-chowsballs @sugarb0 @bdanie @the-golden-jhope @goodpop9 @navymacaroons @tendo-sxtori @sirachano0dles @seijqhigh @hannahlxu @mattsunsupremacy @winunk @briidge @kageyamasgirl @yongboxerrr @kiyoovmie @elianetsantana @ofmiceandsharks @bokutokita @honeydrip @tycrackculture @madmelle @kitkozume @gushinim @luckypartyranchmug @kenssister

bolded and strike through means i couldn’t tag you!

check out the masterlist to see how you can be added to the taglist! <3

[folerdetdufoler]

hey kerry!! would you ever write a fic set during the pandemic? or would that be to stressful? what kind of fic would that be?

ah, i think this was prompted by this tweet, and i didn’t want to answer until i had updated that au.

officially? no. or at least not yet. It feels weird like…romanticizing a situation that is killing people across the globe. i don’t watch or read horror/thriller/sci-fi to have any other base knowledge on how a pandemic happens or is contained, even in a fictional setting, so i don’t know if creating a different kind of pandemic would feel less weird and/or accurate.

but i’ve been thinking about it. It’s hard not to, to not exist in a literal nightmare and use comfort characters to mentally survive it. i’ve projected my desires onto them, i’ve hoped for the idea of love to be enough to change people’s behaviors and move them to protect each other. i’m interested in how people have built and destroyed trust, how it’s shaped relationships, and how it’s challenged different worldviews. add a dash of competent government and i go feral. so like, technically…yes. vaguely.

it should go without saying, but it’s (always) a skam AU. it’s always isak and even. i don’t know how it’s being handled in norway, so it would have to be set in america. isak and even would still be norwegian though. and we’re going to add a little unrealistic emergency to make their meeting actually happen.

the borders closed. by the time isak got to the airport, every possible flight was cancelled. he couldn’t even do some kind of convoluted frog-leap through different countries just to get back to his own continent. he was stuck. the ticketing agent behind the desk gave him a sympathetic look and then waved him away, inviting the next soon-to-be-disappointed customer forward. before he left, though, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a disposable mask from the large pack he’d managed to buy before heading to the airport. he slammed it onto the counter. “wear it.”

isak dragged his bag over to the far wall of windows, near the entrance, where the benches were quickly filling up with disgruntled international travelers. he had to sit down and think and research, to figure out what his next step would have to be.

“they’re still not letting people in, eh?” a deep voice two seats to his left asked in english. isak looked over at it, because he wasn’t sure if it was a genuine or sarcastic answer. unfortunately the face he needed to read was devastatingly handsome, and caused his throat to close up before he could answer properly.

“uh….”

“no english?”

“um, no. i mean yes, i speak english.” isak was fluent from his upbringing, but the last year of attending school in america definitely helped. his inability to communicate in this moment was due to the other man’s mouth, not his own. “and no, i can’t get a flight because the borders are closed.”

“i would say it’s a smart move except i’m locked out too.” the man smiled, and his eyes softened, so if he had been sarcastic before, he wasn’t anymore.

“norway?” isak asked, hopeful. he’d clocked the man’s accented english, and they were both sitting across from a scandinavian airline counter, but he couldn’t distinguish between the countries.

“norge,” he confirmed with a little nod.

for some reason isak continued in english. perhaps he felt like he had more authority with it. he bent over to his bag to get another mask out, pulling it by the straps. he offered it to his new norwegian acquaintance. “please put this on.” he got a confused look in return, and no move to accept the protective covering. it pained isak to insist that the man cover up half of his face, but he pressed. “please, for your safety.”

“is that why you’re wearing one?”

“i’m wearing one because norway closed its borders. norway knows how dangerous this virus is. you should wear one too.”

the man reached out a hand but didn’t quite grab the mask. “i can’t tell if you know more about what is actually going on or if you’re…crazy.” the soft eyes had gone serious and calculating. “but if i put it on, will you tell me?”

“what?”

he took the mask. he was clumsy putting it on, but anyone would be if it were their first time. he hooked it around his ears and pulled it up over his nose and mouth, watching isak while he did, as if he were a mirror. isak pinched the bridge of his nose to get the man to copy him, fitting the mask to his face. once he did, the man twisted to face isak straight on. “i’m even.” his voice was muffled, but isak’s ear was already straining to distinguish it from the rest of the airport noise around them. “i want to go home. you do too. can we figure out a plan together?”

“i—um, i don’t know. i have to talk to my school first. and then maybe the consulate.”

“what’s your name?”

“isak.”

the mask did nothing to stop the man—even—from smiling. the mask traveled with his cheeks right up to his squinting eyes. “i’d shake your hand but i feel like that’s not a good idea.”

“you are correct. we shouldn’t be touching.”

“okay, i won’t touch you. but can we talk? my employer said i should fly home, but i think it’s too late. i don’t know what to do.”

isak took a deep breath. he looked around them, at the way the counters were drawing lines of increasingly anxious travelers. the empty seat between them was going to be high value real estate soon, and he could tell someone wasn’t going to allow it to remain a buffer for their safety. “i don’t know either.” he looked back at even. “do you work in manhattan?”

“yes. is that where you go to school?”

isak nodded. it was a small comfort, meeting a neighbor from the other side of the ocean, who also happened to be a neighbor on the other side of the east river. “okay. well. i don’t want to stay here. it’s going to get crazy as more borders close. we should…we should go back.”

“share a cab?”

isak took in the man’s face, still handsome even when it was hidden behind a mask. some of his hair was stuck in the straps at his ears, and isak noticed that the style was slightly disheveled, probably from anxious fingers. but it was the eyes that convinced him. in just a few minutes, in such a short conversation, isak had come to trust them. he trusted the eyes that glanced out the window at the taxi stand. and when Even stood up and threw the long strap of his bag across his chest, isak followed. they stepped out into a gust of cold, early spring air, and headed toward a waiting taxi. whatever their next step would be, they would take it together.

anyway yeah, that’s the start. that’s the beginning of the pandemic, and that’s the beginning of isak and even. isak is a student, going for his masters at NYU in biology, but he’s going to switch to epidemiology almost immediately, for obvious reasons. even…well, i don’t know where he works, or why, but he’s not in school. his office is going to close and he’s going to have to work remote. isak’s basic understanding of diseases and community spread give him a slight advantage in that he knows what he needs to stock up on and is doing it now. so he has a small, but safe apartment to stay in. isak shares some of his hand sanitizer and masks and they go to opposite ends of the island. he bonded with even initially, while they tried to figure out their status in lockdown, but then they separate and try to go about their lives as normally as possible. isolation will hit hard of course, and they’ll reach out to each other again, looking for answers and any kind of connection back home. even shares what his mother reports on in oslo, and isak shares the research that he has better access to. they zoom for work, and for school, and then they zoom each other. isak still trusts those eyes through a screen, and he wonders if he should trust them in person as well. because as the fear and uncertainty grows over the next few weeks, while they still can’t get home, at least there’s a little bit of steady right in front of them. And they crave it more and more. And…more….

[bigdickmadej]

So Shane liked a tweet about going crazy if they don't date someone in the ripped jeans community and my mind immediately went to Ryan's ripped knee black skinnies and I just- 😩😤 nEED a drabble, or ficlet, or ANYTHING about Shane pining for ripped jeans Bergara. Or don't it's okay you work hard enough as it is I just really want to talk about this since I am also a hoe for ripped/distressed jeans 😅❤️

Nonnie, I’m so glad you sent his. I had to go look for myself AND BAM! You and Shane are so valid, tho, It gets me every time djbvidnfidnfifr

(pic credit to @helloitsvehere)So, here’s  a little something.

(Read on AO3)

Ryan must know. He certainly must know what it does to Shane every single time he shows up to work in those ripped back pants.

He has to.

There was no way he hadn’t noticed after years of knowing each other, that Shane’s eyes would linger on him and his legs more often when wearing said pants. He couldn’t be that blind, that fucking naive.

Shane really wanted to believe his friend must know, otherwise they were both lost, and otherwise he was about to either lost a good friend AND one of his work partners, making Watcher HQ into an awkward working space for everyone, or just give him a good laugh he would probably end up sharing with the other lovable dudebros at his home.

“Ry,” There goes nothing, the man looked at him after pausing the video he was trying to edit.

For a second, Shane forgot what he was about to say.

It wasn’t just the pants, of course.

Ryan was a handsome man. He had a beautiful body and gorgeous face. But it was also… just Ryan. The little guy. The man that kept him awake in more than one sense, listening to ramblings about ghosts but by also just existing as Shane wondered if his sleep schedule was alright or someone kept him up like it was happening to him.

His eyes went down, immediately looking for the prize. The skin exposed was enough to have Shane fanning himself like a improper lady of the past century, horny at just the sight of some flesh, and someday he’d wanted to tell this joke to Ryan but right now, his fingers touched the skin, seeing as Ryan tensed under it.

Shane looked up, unsure if his touch had been too much or– Ryan looked at him with expectation, seeking an explanation in silence as he left everything happen in the middle of the day when people were distracted.

Maybe Shane should have thought this through.

“I like your pants.” He said lamely, but it seemed to make the trip since Ryan didn’t groan or hit his hand away.

So, he dared a little bit more, moving his fingers until his palm was firm on Ryan’s knee, fingers slowly going under the dark denim. 

“I know you do.” Ryan answered at least, stealing a smile from Shane.

Of course he knew.

His cock throbbed in his own pants, very aware of this conversation.

Shane’s fingers went up, softly touching the skin he had been dreaming of, eyes lost on his own movements without thinking of how Ryan must look, how red his face must be. But the man didn’t move away, just let Shane touch him as if he had been waiting for this to happen, too.

This of being brave was turning out to be pretty good, Shane swallowed as he cheered himself up with these thoughts to try something else.

“You know what I think when I see you in these?” He asked, discreetly making sure nobody was looking or listening to them.

Fortunately, Steven had a conference on a campus that morning, taking with him a few people since he wanted to take the chance to talk with some possible participants for Homemade, which left them with fewer people to worry about in his not-so-romantic confessional plan.

He should have thought this further, but whatever.

“I have an idea…” Ryan admitted in a whisper, the smoothness in his voice didn’t face him.

Shane looked up, finding Ryan interested in whatever he was about to say. 

“I want to rip them more until I can see those skinny briefs I know you’re wearing.” He answered in a whisper too, hoping he had used the right amount of sexy to get this to another place later, his cock needed this to end right. “I wouldn’t take them off, though. Just open up enough to let me get those briefs down and fuck that pretty little ass of yours.”

A shiver went up Ryan’s body, his lips forming a white line on his face as his eyes closed for a second, and Shane wondered if he went too far. The answer came as Ryan’s hand landed on his, grip strong and warm, and Shane had to stop a gasp from escaping him, realizing just now how much he wanted Ryan to touch him too.

He was hard. Shane wondered if Ryan could see it, if he knew he had this effect on him on a regular basis.

“These are really nice, though.” Shane added, Ryan opened his eyes and looked at him with a tiny smile. “I think I’ll just remove them a little and worship that ass.”

“I knew you were an ass man.” Ryan shook his head, pulling slightly on Shane’s sleeve where his hand was over his.

Shane rolled his chair closer to him. 

If he kissed him now, would Ryan beat him up for being such a non-romantic and exposing a possible relationship between them to everyone in the office just like that? 

He smiled at his friend when Ryan looked at him.

“I’m home alone today,” he said with a dreamy sigh, “do you wanna come?”

“Baby,” Shane smiled at him, wide and so damn excited, “of course I want to come.” He said, Ryan rolled his eyes but laughed. “With you, preferably.”

“Oh, I better come first if you are ravishing my clothes.” He said, pausing for a second to look at something on Shane’s face. His lips, then his eyes, then lips again. He swallowed visibly. “Multiple times, though. That would be ideal.”

Shane snorted, going away before they ruined their first kiss. “Ideal! Multiple times is law, baby. You just have to wait.” He winked at him.

Ryan shook his head while laughing again, going back to his place as he seemed as excited as Shane felt.

He had never been a brave man before, Shane felt some kind of pride and how well everything went. The time to go home couldn’t come sooner, but to know what was to happen once they were on their own after work was all Shane needed to keep going with work all day long.

Except–

Except none of them could.

It wasn’t even lunch time when Ryan left the office space to get into the bathroom, Shane had been following his every move since their little risky conversation, wondering if he could convince him to either leave work or just do something in one of their cars, the bathroom never coming into mind because, again, he was no romantic but at least wanted their first kiss to be something else.

By the time he phone rang and Ryan’s name was displayed on it, Shane had frowned but stood up, starting to walk into the bathroom to see if everything was alright.

“Come.” Was all Ryan said, hanging up immediately.

With a frown, Shane walked in, finding him sitting in front of the mirror, hands put together between his thighs.

“It’s everything okay?” Shane asked, staying still by the door. “Ry?”

“Close the door…” He asked, his voice husky and just– shit. Shane’s dick stirred awake, he closed the door and walked over to Ryan. “It’s just–”

“I know.” Shane answered, finding his place between Ryan’s open legs. “I know…”

He wasn’t going to kiss him in this bathroom, doesn’t matter how clean and fresh they kept it.

Shane buried his face on Ryan’s neck, kissing softly on the skin exposed there as he felt Ryan relax at his touch. His hands were on Shane’s shoulders, just there as they didn’t push him away or move him forward, he took this as a sign to keep going and so, he bit a little onto his skin, aware of not leaving any marks that could lift eyebrows in the office.

Suddenly, Ryan’s legs rounded his hips, getting him closer than before and Shane chuckled, looking at Ryan as his hands held the man by his sides.

They looked at each other for a long moment, maybe an entire minute as he found this was not just lust and overgrown tension of years of wanting. It was longing, a feeling that this should had happened a long time ago but they had been waiting for the other to give them a sign.

As it turned out, it had always been there, but they had just been too scared to act on it.

Shane was not going to kiss Ryan in this bathroom, he hoped the man understood this as he let his forehead lean on Ryan’s, closing his eyes as they breathed the same air.

“I don’t care.” Ryan murmured. “I just want you.”

He swallowed, looking up to find Ryan’s determined stare that always made him shiver and smile. There was no braver man in the world, no firmer man. 

Shane was truly in love with the best man ever.

His hand cradled Ryan’s cheek, thumb caressing him tenderly, eyes on his lips as he slowly leaned in. He could feel Ryan’s warm breath as his eyes closed, soon finding the soft of his lips in a firm kiss that made every pining second worth it.

They kissed sure of each other, aware of the feelings they held for the other and how strong their attraction had become. They kissed like if they had been waiting an eternity for it to happen and finally, finally, they had found their way to each other.

Ryan opened his mouth wider, tongue caressing Shane’s lips until he granted him entrance and the man explored his mouth. The air in Shane’s lungs felt hot, his tongue moved on Ryan’s and slowly went into the man’s mouth, feeling as they got closer, so close he could feel Ryan’s hard-on on his belly, making his own cock throb in his pants.

A string of saliva kept their mouths connected when they went apart, Ryan eyes were open and hooded, expecting as Shane moved away and made him get down and into a stall with him.

They didn’t bother closing it, Shane just made sure the toilet was closed before sitting down and waiting for Ryan to get himself comfortable on his lap.

Words felt unnecessary, their hands spoke for them as they were kissing again and Shane’s fingers found the skin of Ryan’s knees again, going up slowly until he could jank at it and get Ryan closer, making the two of them moan between their lips when their erections touched.

He had meant it when he said he wanted to rip the jeans apart, he wanted to unravel Ryan and know every corner of his body, and Shane hoped they would have time for exactly that later, when they were alone in his room, on his bed, very naked and unbothered.

Right now, he wanted to give Ryan what he needed, what they both needed. And with a smile, Shane moved his lips, making Ryan sigh with the way his erection rubbed on Shane’s belly as Shane’s found friction on his ass.

It had been a while since he last did this. Years, actually. Not since freshman year in college.

He wondered if it was the same for Ryan, or if he was more familiar with the desperation that came with each touch of clothes where they needed hands and warmth.

“Fuck…” Ryan murmured, both hands on Shane’s nape as he started to move his hips in rhythm with Shane’s. “You’re gonna make me come in my pants?”

“Yes.” Shane answered, “Open your eyes. I want you to see it when it happens.”

“I–” He moaned, his lips were red and used, his movements slow but firm, almost afraid of this ending too soon.

Shane swallowed, holding Ryan by the hips to make him go faster with him. He trusted forward, moaning with Ryan as his eyes snapped open, looking into Shane’s with his mouth hanging open, letting out soft moans and sighs that made Shane’s cock throb in desperation.

If just with this he felt lost, Shane could only imagine how it would feel like to have Ryan naked against him.

“Fa-faster… please…”

Whatever you want, he wanted to say, whatever you need, but his mouth was more busy with Ryan’s neck and every other inch of skin he could find on his collarbone and shoulders. Shane moved faster, aware of how every trust made him want this man more, made him wish they could get riskier in here.

“Ry,” He called him, holding him still in spite of the way Ryan whined in protest. “Stop that, here…”

His fingers went down, undoing Ryan’s button and putting down his zipper. Ryan moved slightly, giving him more space to take out his cock after pulling his pants and boxers down slightly. Shane smiled at the sight, giving him a few strokes as he got his pants open with his free hand.

Ryan moved again, giving Shane more space as he struggled to fish for his own dick and put down his jeans and underwear enough for it to happen. When his cock sprung free, Ryan giggled. Like a fucking schooler, giddy at the sight of another dick.

Shane rolled his eyes.

“What’s so funny, Bergara?”

When he stopped, Shane looked up at his face. He had such a shiny and happy expression, Shane moved his head to one side, waiting for an answer.

He could feel Ryan’s fingers back on his nape, slowly caressing where his hair was covering before kissing him softly.

“I knew your cock was big.”

It made Shane laugh, it also made him trust upwards. Ryan moaned at the touch, bitting his bottom lip as Shane brought their cocks together with one hand. Swallowing visibly, Ryan went back to kiss him, trying to move on his fist.

“Oh, I bet you heard the rumours back in our old office…” Shane murmured, looking at Ryan’s face as he pumped their dicks together. “Of course you’ll be a size queen, always looking for the best, uh?”

“Mmm…” Ryan nodded, hips trying hard to stay still as Shane stroke their cocks together. His arms rounded Shane’s neck, he loosened the grip a little to finally let Ryan move against his cock, fucking into his fist as Shane continued his task. “I always knew, though…”

“Yeah?” He closed his eyes, feelings Ryan’s breathing on his face as they stole kisses between words, movements going faster. 

“Mhm.” Ryan continued, kissing Shane for longer, taking his bottom lip between his teeth. “Since I first saw you…” He moaned, “I thought that… if your head was so big, your dick better be as big.”

Shane snorted, laughing as Ryan kept moving his hips. When he looked at the man’s face, he was smiling, eyes shining bright with lust and want. He stopped moving, Ryan looked down between them and saw Shane bring his hand to his mouth, spitting on his pal and then showing it to Ryan.

“Spit.” Shane said, showing his palm to Ryan.

The man frowned, “What?”

“Spit on my hand, come on…”

“Ugh, you are so fucking weird…” Ryan answered, spitting still and making Shane laugh.

He brought it down to Ryan’s cock, the wet sensation making it easier for his hand to move on his skin, making Ryan moan as he stroke him a few more times before repeating his actions, asking Ryan to spit again and doing the same on his own cock.

“Fuck…” He groaned now, bringing their cocks together again, stroking both faster than before. “Fuck!”

“Shit–” Ryan held himself on his shoulders, looking down to watch their cocks disappear together on Shane’s fist. “Jeeesus fuck–”

“Ry,”

“Don’t stop,” Ryan looked up, his hips moving slightly again. “Shit, I’m close– don’t stop!”

Ryan’s eyes closed, the frown on his face made him look adorable in a way Shane couldn’t truly describe. He wanted to capture this image forever, sure to bring it back a few times for when he was alone and in need of Ryan.

He swallowed, groaning as he felt Ryan’s cock throb in his hand, against his own dick.

“Fuck, I’m–”

Shane nodded, watching as Ryan moved his own hips faster as his neck and shoulders tensed, his grip on Shane’s own shoulders feeling harsh. He was probably going to leave his mark, Shane couldn’t help but feel excited at the thought of finding it later on his skin. He couldn’t wait for both to discover each mark they were sure to make in each other in here and once they were out work.

“Shane–”

“Mmm, are you gonna come for me?” He asked, licking a line on Ryan’s neck when the man arched it with eyes closed hard. “Ry, my angel, are you gonna come for me?”

“Fuck!”

His cock twitched when Ryan came, the sight of his beautiful face frowning with pleasure as his fingers gripped Shane’s shoulders harder was everything Shane needed to find his own release.

Moaning in each other’s mouth with a wet and messy kiss, Shane stroked them both through their orgasms, using their come as lube until they were spent and slowly softening. He held them in his hand, close together and sensitive, as Ryan kept kissing him silly and sloppy.

He couldn’t help but smile, happy this had happened even if they had made a mess or seemed too desperate. They had waited long enough.

“Fuck…” Ryan murmured, forehead against Shane.

“Mmm…” Shane sighed, finally letting their cocks slip from his hand.

Shane hoped their indiscretion wouldn’t be too loud. Thank fuck the bathrooms were far enough from the office, but still, he hoped they wouldn’t find anyone looking at them weird after this.

They needed to clean up.

“Baby?”

“Just another second, please.” Ryan said, kissing him a few times more as Shane kept his hand away from them. “Shane…”

“Uhm?” Shane answered, smiling at him as Ryan peppered his face with little kisses. “Angel?”

He pecked his lips at the end, Shane followed wanting a longer kiss, but the man had other plans, holding him away with a smile.

“I love you.” He said, firm and happy.

Shane blinked as his heart filled with joy, lungs feeling warm again. He couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. “I love you too, angel.”

All Shane knew was, the wait was worth it.

[letterboxd]

How I Letterboxd #10: Chad Hartigan.

Filmmaker Chad Hartigan talks to Jack Moulton about his prescient new sci-fi romance, Little Fish, why radio silence is worse than a bad review, and his secret system of Letterboxd lists.

Chad Hartigan has won prizes at the Sundance Film Festival and the Film Independent Spirit Awards for his acclaimed films This is Martin Donner and Morris From America. He’s also been a Letterboxd member since way back, joining what he proclaims as “my favorite website” in 2013. Hartigan has always been an obsessive logger: he has transcribed all of his viewing data since 1998 and continues to work on filling in the gaps in his downtime.

Like many ardent Letterboxd members, Hartigan is a diligent list-maker, keeping tabs on his best first viewings of each year and assembling an all-time top 1,000 films over the summer (with an accompanying 26-minute supercut). Perhaps unusually for a member of the film industry on Letterboxd, he’s unafraid to hold back his opinions and regularly voices his critiques on even the most acclaimed films.

Hartigan’s newest film, Little Fish, is a sci-fi love story starring Olivia Cooke (Sound of Metal) and Jack O’Connell (Unbroken). Written by Mattson Tomlin, it’s set during an imagined pandemic—shot long before our own actual pandemic—wherein a disease causes people to lose their memories. It was set to premiere at the 2020 Tribeca Film Festival, and then postponed due to Covid-19. It’s now out in limited theaters and on demand, and we were delighted with the excuse to put Hartigan in the How I Letterboxd spotlight.

Olivia Cooke as Emma and Jack O’Connell as Jude in ‘Little Fish’.

You made a pandemic movie before the pandemic. How do you feel about accidentally hitting that unfortunate zeitgeist and now consequently being asked questions like this one? Yeah, strange. The questions are fine. If it wasn’t this one, it would be another that you would have to answer over and over again. One of the things that drew me to the project was that it felt like a fantasy that wasn’t necessarily rooted in reality in a way that my other [films] were. I liked that it’s old-fashioned in its attempts to purely take you somewhere and wasn’t intended to hold up a mirror to our times—but then in the end that’s exactly what it’s doing. I’m curious myself, and I’m checking Letterboxd to see the reactions from people because I really couldn’t guess what it would have been like [now].

Are there any prescient details you’re proud of getting right? I’m so grateful and happy that Jack [O’Connell] is wearing his mask correctly. That’s the number one thing that I’m glad we got right. I think it was very smart of Mattson to focus the movie on [the relationship] rather than the details of this global pandemic. I feel the reason it’s not in bad taste is because it dealt with those things as a backdrop and instead focused on people just trying to remember what’s important and clinging onto those that they love.

Onto our own favorite memory aid, Letterboxd. How did you discover us and how did you manage without us? I’ve been on since 2013, so I’m probably one of the earliest people to jump on it. I love the interface and the diary, just aesthetically it was really fun. I’ve been keeping track of what I see with analog [methods] for as long as I can remember. I have diaries and planners so I logged all that old information. If I was running for president, my platform would be that everybody is required to use Letterboxd comprehensively, because I just love to know what everybody is watching all the time.

Do you talk about Letterboxd in the real world with the other filmmaking people? Yes, and I’m often trying to convince them to join. Other filmmakers are more concerned about having their opinions on peers be public knowledge than I am, I guess. I’ve made four films now and each one’s been bigger and more widely seen than the last. The very first one was a total no-budget affair that couldn’t get into any festivals and I was very excited when I finally got it into the Hamptons Film Festival. It was about half-full and one or two people came up to me afterwards and said they liked it. This was pre-Twitter so I spent the whole next day Googling to see if anybody had written anything. I was so curious to see what people thought and there was nothing—not a review, not a blog—just total emptiness.

When the next film got into Sundance, there were people tweeting their reactions and actual reviews and I read everything. People were asking if the bad reviews hurt me. Absolutely not—nothing can be worse than the radio silence of nobody caring about the first film. The fact that people care enough to sit and write about this movie—good or bad—is a win, and I’ve carried that onward. I like to see what people think, it can be helpful in how you view the film as a success or failure. You learn and move on.

Jack O’Connell at least remembers how to wear a mask in ‘Little Fish’.

Some filmmakers have told us they’re kinder to films after making their own, but you’re not shy at all about being critical. How did making your own films change your perspective as a critic? I don’t consider myself a critic so that’s why I’d be less concerned with someone reading what I thought. Why should they put any stock into what I think? If they get hung up on it then that’s their own stuff because I’m not a critic. Like everyone else on Letterboxd, I just love watching movies. Obviously I can appreciate and understand some of the technical aspects maybe moreso than people who don’t make films, but at the end of the day, rarely that’s the thing that makes you love a movie or not. There’s a great bit in Francis Ford Coppola’s commentary track for Finian’s Rainbow where Fred Astaire’s doing a dance number and [Coppola admits] he totally messed it up because Astaire’s feet aren’t fully in frame. He’s very honest about his mistakes because it’s one of his earliest movies. Then he goes on to say that he thinks there’s the same number of mistakes in Finian’s Rainbow as there are in The Godfather, it’s just that he made mistakes on the things that don’t matter for The Godfather. No film is perfect, but if it can latch onto this one magical aspect that connects you to it, that’s what makes you love it or not.

You had a project where you chart the best films made by directors at certain ages as you reached that age. Tell us more about it. That was a great project. I got the idea when I was 26. This was back when I had a Netflix DVD subscription and it was just hard for me to randomly choose DVDs to throw in the queue. I needed a system. I decided to watch movies from directors when they were my age and see if there’s some common denominator, something I can learn. At that point, there weren’t many, there were films like Boogie Nights and Fassbinder films. Not many people had made stuff when they were 26 or 27, so it was very feasible. Every year there were more movies and more directors to add to the list and it became time-consuming. I did it all the way up until I was 34 and the reason I stopped was because I had a son and there was no way I could continue this level of viewing output.

My favorite part of your account is the fact that you log every viewing of your own films. You know for a fact that you’ve watched Morris From America 26 times and Little Fish fifteen times. Why do you log them? What counts as a viewing? I’ve clearly watched those movies many more times in little chunks but I’ll only log it if we’re sitting down and watching it from beginning to end. I have a ticket to see Little Fish in the drive-in on Saturday, so it’s going to be logged again. Why do I do it? Like I said, I wish everyone was required to use Letterboxd comprehensively. That’s what it’s there for for me, an accurate log of what I watch. This is psychotic behavior but I’m tempted to have a Letterboxd account for my son. I’ll do his views for him once he starts watching movies until he’s old enough to take over. It’ll just be, like, Frozen a thousand times but he’s not old enough to watch anything yet, so we’ll see.

Have you discovered any films thanks to Letterboxd discourse that influenced your approach to filmmaking? For sure, I can’t maybe say specifically, but once I dropped the directors my own age system I didn’t replace it with nothing. I’m a Virgo and I have a little bit of OCD, so I have to have some system. I’ve replaced it with a new complicated system where I pull from different lists and that’s now my main source of how I choose a movie to watch. I have like ten or twelve different lists, each about a thousand movies with a lot of overlap. One of them is my own list of every movie I’ve seen in a theater and I’ll go and look through that and if it’s something I want to revisit. Recently I rewatched Twister, which I hadn’t seen in a long time and is an old favorite from when I was in high school.

I have a bunch of private lists I cycle through; every movie nominated for a Spirit Award, every movie that’s won an Oscar, every movie that’s played in competition at Cannes, the top 1,000 films at the box office. There’s another great website that I use as a biblical resource which is They Shoot Pictures, Don’t They? and their lists of acclaimed films for all-time and the 21st century. I hit those up often. Something that I watched purely because of the very high Letterboxd rating and really loved is Funeral Parade of Roses. I try to see as many movies as I can that have a 4.0 rating or higher.

You respect the Letterboxd consensus. I do, but I don’t always agree with it.

‘Little Fish’ director Chad Hartigan.

Which is your most underrated or overlooked movie according to Letterboxd? I can say I was the very first person to log a movie called Witness in the City, which is an Italian noir movie I watched when I was doing my ‘directors my own age’ series. Literally nobody had logged it, so my review was like “whoa, I can’t believe I’m the first person to log this!”. It was very exciting for me because it’s great, but I’m the OG logger of that movie.

From your list of every film you’ve seen in a theater since you were twelve, which was your most memorable experience? The cheap answer is that it’s hard to top my own movies. The Sundance premiere of Morris From America at the Eccles Theater is maybe the best, but if I’m disqualifying my own films, seeing Scream 3 in a very packed theater in Virginia Beach was really fun, really rowdy. There was a trailer for a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie and I remember the climax was Van Damme going “you lied to me!!!” and everyone laughed. Someone did a George Costanza move later during Scream 3 and yelled out “you lied to me!!!” and everybody laughed again—so that’s a high. That’s the thing I miss the most about movie theaters, and the worry I have if theaters go away, is that so much of how we feel about a movie can be tied to the experience; who we saw it with, what we did before or after, what the crowd was like, or if anything strange happened. There are a lot of movies I have strong memories and affection for because of the experience of seeing them and I probably wouldn’t feel the same way about if I just watched it at home on my laptop.

I typically like to cap interviews off with what filmmakers thought was the best film of the past year, but we have your data to hand. For you, it’s Garrett Bradley’s documentary Time. Can you talk a bit about what makes the film stand out for you? One thing I learned about myself from the pandemic is that the motivation and desire to see new things is very closely tied to the theater-going experience for me. Once that was taken away and you could watch a new movie at home, it joins the pile of all the other movies. The fact that it’s new doesn’t really do anything for me. Why would I press play on Da 5 Bloods when I still haven’t seen Malcolm X? I gotta see Malcolm X! There wasn’t an urgency, so I saw far fewer films than in an ordinary year. But Time I found incredibly moving and important. Similar to what I liked about the Little Fish script, it’s so hyper-focused on one relationship and within that one story it has so much to say about larger issues and the world at large. It was an emotional and rich viewing experience.

‘Little Fish’ is on demand and playing in select theaters now. Images courtesy of IFC Films.

[taliel-strykidz]

Touch

A little backstory for a further chapter: I have to commend Jackson for when this actually happened with Irene, it was disgusting and I hope he gets repercussions for this. 

{I swear all I write is angst}

It was 5pm and Huannie walked in the room with her head held high and an almost indistinguishable look on her face as she entered the room, her stylists trailing behind her equally as hard faced. She didn't want to be in the room with him at all, the only reason she agreed to mc was because Jackson would be beside her- If he wasn't she wouldn't know how the night would go. She wished she could go home, just so she wouldn't have to bite her tongue and not say anything about his disgusting Tweets or advancements.

"Good Afternoon!" She smiled nonetheless and sat down on the empty station conveniently placed next to Jackson and his stylists, she assumed that Jinyoung or Geun was behind the placings tonight and she wasn't exactly against then either.

"You're on time for once Mei Mei?" Jackson joked bumping his shoulder into her playfully as the stylists began to enhance her beauty.

"Hi Ai-Huan." San E eventually spoke up from his smug corner in the room, Huannie nodded bluntly to him and continued to set up her v-live, both Idols understood that she did it to warn him off, maybe if he knew that people were watching he wouldn't do anything inappropriate to avoid any backlash.

"Are you not going to say hello back?" He commented almost offended, if it wasn't for the fact that the v-live was on and Huannie couldn't tell him where to shove it she would of, instead she just smiled sarcastically to the viewers and continued asking fan questions.

Huannie wondered if the man had any brain about him, mainly because even with almost a million people watching her live, he still sauntered over to squeeze her shoulders and started making 'sexual comments', jokes and gestures regarding her dress tonight, all of which she intercepted the signals that were not so funny jokes. He would 'accidentally' brush up against her back, or linger hands on her lower back when those 'accidents' happened.

"Can you please remove your hand off me?" She asked bluntly, Bao had called her earlier on and told her to actually stick up for herself for once, and here it was. She had just exposed him infront of everyone, Jackson's murderous gaze in the mirror as he caught his hand slipping from a friendly pat on the back to damn near her ass.

Slowly she took the camera, murmuring a "I'll be back" to the stylists and grabbed her coat to get some fresh air.

"Where are you going?" San E broke the awkward silence, even though he was fully aware he was the reason she was leaving out of discomfort.

"I'm sorry, but I don't see how that's any of your business." The man was in shock, Bao who had tuned in for the live was fully taken aback by her outburst. Huannie had a sudden burst of confidence and she was leaving.

Jackson gave her a look of understanding and nodded her out of the door.

===

Looking past what had happened earlier they went on stage anyway, the subtle touches that weren't so subtle anymore was beginning to piss everyone off in the stadium, Jackson being the angel he was born as was trying his hardest to divert the mans attention from Huannie for even five seconds before Got7 had to perform. But with no luck.

San E sat in the MC booth as they watched Got7's performance, though Jackson, Jinyoung and JB all looked a little pre-occupied as they watched the big screen of Huannie trying to enjoy herself and San E making advancements during the whole performance. Huannie was dealing with everything very politely until she felt his arm go around her shoulder trying to show off with a fan that she can been playfully sending hearts to. At first Huannie thought she should keep her emotions in check playing with her hands nervously under the table, but when he began to whisper in her ear all sense flew out of her body.

"So what do you say that we have some fun of our own?" His breath felt disgusting against her ear as his hands moved onto her thigh where he thought no one could see, but the boys on stage could see it. "Or are you a coward?"

"Coward my ass!" She whisper yelled back into his ear, her nostrils flared and fist balled. "What give you the right to touch me? You better take your slimy hands off me before I take them off your body." She snapped into his ear, when he didn't move his hand off her she gripped it as hard as she could and yanked it off of her.

Jackson quickly left the stage as quick as he could and came to save her from further harassment, he got back with a heat pack for the girl, only to see exactly how San E had been holding her the whole performance. Sometimes Huannie would wish she wasn't an Idol so scould prevent things like this happening and speak up for the back of the room, but that wasn't expected of her.

"I think it's time for your performance." Jackson spat to the male, no honorifics, no respect instead he shoo'ed him away as if he were merely a servant. His eyes never left the co-host, dark and intimidating. Huannie very subtly placed a hand on his suit sleeve and tugged it for him to walk away from hitting the male.

"Thanks Ge."

"Anything for my little sister."

---

Backstage sported two very, very angry females as they waited for the three mc's to return back from their last segment, Yang Bao was debating if she should ask the stylists for a spikey ring so it would hurt just that little bit more when she punched him square in the face. But after a conversation with Jae-Geun he reminded her it's one thing to punch him but she can't leave a mark - since everyone in the dressing room would turn a blind eye and pledge innocence.

Since Huannie was the last to leave the stage, before she even got in the dressing room a fist was send in San E's direction sending him to the floor clutching his nose. Huannie's first culprit was Bao and then Jae but given the fact both were stunned she began to look for the actual culprit. In his place, Jinyoung stood, his jaw clenched aggressively as San E started to blubber.

"Oh it's the virtual husband, don't worry we all know it's fake." San E decided to poke the bear, rubbing his nose where Jinyoung's fist had landed. It sent the bear into a frenzy , he began swearing, shouting, screaming whatever you wanted to call it in his face, Huannie raced forward being the first one to get out of the shock that Jinyoung had snapped and attempted to pull him away from the man.

"Stop! STOP JINYOUNG! He's not worth getting into trouble for, I want to go home." She pleaded with him, finally with Jackson's help pulling him out of the room.

"He touched you Huan! How can you say he's not worth it? Even the fans saw him do it." Jinyoung snapped at her, pointing viciously toward the dressing room. It shocked her to say the least, he never shouts at her like that - even when she was wrong.

"I KNOW THAT! I just want to go home and shower."

"Are you okay?"

"Are you? Mr boxer?"

"Shut up."  

[jenhrding]

dead to me season 2; a review

hello, i need to write about this because i woke up at 4am to watch season two and i have soooo many feelings that i need to vent even if nobody really cares

this is gonna be long so i divided it by episode and i'm doing a summary at the end if you don't feel like reading the entire thing

if you follow me on twitter you may have seen a lot of my comments on the season, as i needed to tweet about it while i watched it, but this is more of an organized type of thing

A LOT OF SPOILERS AHEAD

> i'm a die hard judy/jen shipper so if you liked michelle this might not be for you, i'm sorry

EPISODE 1

okay, the season picks up on the morning after ted's death and that was something i really appreciated. i usually hate when tv shows skip things and only mention what happened, not showing us how it happened

judy and henry's relationship warms my heart. they have a really strong bond and i'm glad we got to see more of them together throughout the episodes.

but, as we can't have everything, it hurt me a lot to see the way jen was treating judy. i love them both equally and because of that i can clearly see their mistakes without being biased, or at least i hope i can. i get that she was hurt with everything that judy did, and i loathed steve deeply, but still, the guy was his ex-fiancee, and she loved him to death even if he was a toxic piece of crap. the way jen said she was just there to pick up stuff and then told her she burned everything without even looking at her made me so sad for judy, and her dropping judy off saying they would never talk again was very cold, but that i would've seen coming from jen.

i was constantly feeling bad for judy because she didn't have time to mourn steve or abe and there she was, broke and without a place to stay. and let's just say, abe was an angel in her life even after he died. props to him for treating her like she deserved to be treated.

the thing with michelle started and it seemed a bit forced to me, like they just wanted to shove judy to someone else so we would stop asking for jen & judy being together.

and then jen called judy and i just KNEW that was happening, that scene really made me happy and it felt like they were taking a step forward in their relationship. jen worries about judy so much, even if she's not the best at showing it.

"like an excuse to see me again." "did it work?"

EPISODE 2

steve's twin thing was 100% so they wouldn't have to kick james out. it was very predictable and unnecessary. i guess it added a bit to the plot but his presence really annoyed me. but, i need to say, james did a nice job because ben didn't have any of steve's traits (i know that's what actors are supposed to do but i felt like he needed a compliment).

diana was irritating me from the beginning, and i'm glad i got to like her more by the end of everything.

i didn't get the deal with nick. i know breakups are hard but he looked depressed af. maybe it had to do with his history, everything with his friend and him losing his job and stuff. but i'm not really interested in that so it didn't bother me.

and may i just add? the scene with judy and the bird, she truly is a princess, i can't with her. also, i liked the subtle hint when jen told ben not to climb on the freezer because it was too low, and we would come to find out later that steve's body was in that freezer.

episode two had a lot of fun moments and it was a lighter one, maybe to prepare us for the chaos that was coming next.

"you look beautiful. i wish you would love yourself more."

EPISODE 3

judy hugging the freezer got me ????? i know she's an espiritual person but was she really acting like steve was feeling anything? i was confused, honesly, but i don't blame her "she will never do anything wrong :)"

the rats scene was funny but i hated how long they took to solve the freezer thing and just showed jen going there and crying sooo many times it kinda got tiring.

jen was being so nice to judy, touching her and hugging her and i had my hopes up for a little bit (only to get played again but i'll talk about that later).

the scene with michelle was cute, kinda necessary for judy to realize things about her grief, but sincerely speaking she just makes me very bored.

the breakdown scene in the garage was GREAT, linda and christina did an amazing job and i want to give them all of the awards.

"just wanted to tell you that i forgive you."

EPISODE 4

this episode had so much potential to be gay lmao, i could actually picture jen trying to comfort judy and end up kissing her and then they would've been together and all, but liz really doesn't want to give us what we want.

the scene at the bar was one of the best scenes in this season. they finally TALKED about their feelings. about how they still cared about both of the men who hurt them even if they were still mad at them for being shitty guys, and that was so important, love really does weird things to us.

and the dancing scene was EVERYTHING!!!! plus, they slept in the same bed even though there were two beds in the room, so...

judy hugging henry because of his bird = my heart cried they really are mother and son

jen telling judy that she could say goodbye and LINDA's SINGING!!!!!!!! a big yes for me

"will you be my person?" "yes, i will be your person."

EPISODE 5

hated this one. jen telling judy she needed space was hurtful, specially because judy was planning a day to make her feel better.

i just really hated this one. jen and ben is a NO, and judy with michelle was bothering me.

the highlight of it, for me, was when jen called judy to help her with charlie because, well, he is his mom too.

plus: the car burning scene was hot.

EPISODE 6

judy and jen talking to charlie like his moms was sooo nice i liked that scene a lot.

the voicemails steve left judy were disgusting. i hate that guy so much and i'm glad he's dead (sorry) and not able to hurt her anymore. we only want happy and safe judy here.

jen was jealous when judy mentioned her "new friend" you can't change my mind on this one.

i actually thought judy and michelle were gonna kiss in the car, but i appreciated that liz dragged it a little bit more.

i loved most of the arcade scenes, specially the ones with their family. i liked how they portrayed jen's relationship with the boys getting good again but didn't drag it on for too long, i think it was quite nice the way they did it.

and no, i'm not here for judy and michelle even though linda looks very hot while kissing another woman.

EPISODE 7

um, judy and michelle slept together and i was not happy. in fact, i made a lot of tweets complaining about it and twitter actually put me on limit for a few minutes. her saying "i love you" felt so forced and fake, i don't know, maybe it's cause i just don't like them together.

i was really appreciating scenes with jen and charlie, even if i don't like him very much. it felt good to see their relationship developing and getting better again because i do love a mother-son plot.

"of all the lesbians in lagoona" (jen included if i may add). this scene really showed a trust between them that i missed, jen telling judy she couldn't see michelle anymore and even though judy was upset she agreed with it because she knows jen only wants what's best for her.

it really hurt me to see that girl pregnant, because i know how much judy wanted a baby and for her to have five miscarriages and have to see that other woman pregnant with steve's baby must've hit her hard.

hated jen and ben together. honestly, it felt so weird to have jen kiss the guy who looks so much like the guy she killed, so, i did not like that.

judy's speech to diana was really important. it really showed more of who she is, really, a person who just tries all the time to do everything right and keeps fucking it up (like myself, i'd say), and i liked that scene a lot, specially when she goes to pick up the plastic bags hahaha.

EPISODE 8

this one showed a bit of why we should've been prepared for episode nine.

jen and judy's first scene was really good. they started it fighting but the ending was so lovely and just showed us how much they love each other and the things they'd give up for the other one to be happy.

i really hated how michelle treated judy on this episode. judy didn't have to tell her anything right away, they were together for five seconds. (or maybe i'm overreacting because i love judy way too much and hate seeing her being mistreated).

the end of this episode showed a lot of phone calls that made me confused and it had a few cliffhangers that i found to be a bit unnecessary. the show is interesting enough and i think liz overdid the cliffhangers a bit in this season, but it wasn't something that deeply bothered me.

EPISODE 9

i have a lot to say about this one so just take a deep breath before i vent lmao.

jen and ben fucked. which i thought was unnecessary and out of character for her. i really didn't see jen sleeping with a guy who has the same face as the guy she killed, and the scene where she looks at ben and remembers steve's dead body was so weird.

plus, i wish they would've gotten deeper into jen's mastectomy story. the only mention to it in this season was when she was in the bathroom, and she couldn't even bring herself to look in the mirror. it was unlike her to sleep with some stranger after that, since she's so ashamed of it, and it made me sad that the first person to see her naked after surgery (besides ted) wasn't judy, who she actually trusts. i didn't need jen to talk about it, because i know her character doesn't like to talk feelings, but the scene where she was alone could've been longer and showed a bit more of her story.

they showed so much of judy's background in the last two episodes and i loved it! i like how they were slowly revealing why her character acts the way she does. we knew she didn't like to be alone, but now we know that it's because she was alone most of her life, and because of that she clings to anyone who shows a bit of interest in her. therefore, why she didn't like nick that much and still tried to make things work out with him, and when steve showed her a little bit more of compassion, she went back to him. and now it's michelle, who she started seeing right after jen told her she needed space. judy is codependent, and i liked to understand her relationship with her mother so i could understand her relationship with others.

jen's scene at city hall was so important and powerful. first, i was afraid she might embarrass herself but she was incredible. the way she called andrew out not even scared if all the white men sitting there wouldn't believe a woman's harassment story, the way she talked about ted and ugh everything was great.

then, things started to go downhill. jen's relationship with the boys started declining again and it broke my heart (but i liked how henry asked for judy because he was sad and wanted to see her). and this anticipated what i elected (as if i have any room to say anything) to be the best scene of the show.

the garage scene. i have so many feelings towards it but at the same time i don't know how to express them.

first, judy said she was going to take the blame for charlie and that right there is what a mom would do (and finally they talked about judy's s*icide attempt). besides that, judy said that jen had a family and she couldn't lose that family, and then we realize how much it hurt her when her mom said she didn't have a family of her own (even though, in season one, jen said she was a part of their family).

linda and christina were brilliant in this bit. linda's expressions send me every time, and personally, i love it when she curses because it shows a side of her character that only comes out when she's really nervous and stressed, since she's always trying to see the good in everything. the way she raised her voice and said a lot of "fucks" really brought a different tone to the scene that we hadn't seen during the season.

jen had a lot of breakdowns during this season. but none of those were as exceptional as this one. ted fucked up her mind badly, and steve saying all those things triggered her to do what she did. imagine being married to a person for eighteen years and finding out, after his death, that he was cheating on you for a year and a half, that really must mess up with your self esteem and how you see yourself. jen is constantly thinking that everyone that she loves hates her and she ends up hating herself (as judy said "i wish you would love yourself more."). she is an extraordinary character and there's so much i still need to know about her.

now, here's something that bothered me. this scene was great, but i think jen was a bit out of character when she said "that's because you love anyone who just gives you a morsel of fucking attention, even if it's abusive. it's like you get off on it or something". honestly, the jen i know and have grown to love would never blame a woman for being abused, even if she was out of her mind for being upset. she saw how judy was mistreated by steve and she always knew he was toxic, but she would never say that to judy, as if she had any guilt on it.

this scene was so raw and chaotic but it was breathtaking, in a good way. judy's "i'm not like you" and their fight in front of the house, also judy's screams, everything was on point.

and then, jen got to see something we've been noticing for the past season and this one as well. when judy's stressed or hurt, she starts self-harming. it was never brought up before but it's something to watch out for. how many times did she curse at herself and hit herself in front of mirrors? and in the car she starts hitting herself really strongly when she's asking jen to stop. now, i don't know which part of her history this has to do with but i'd really like for them to get more into this, as it seems like a great storyline.

jen watching judy sleep and putting her hair behind her ear was so gay pure and i loved this scene so much.

EPISODE 10

what jen did for her family was beautiful, even if it didn't start that well. now, about her letter to judy, i sobbed so much reading that one.

this episode said a lot about diana's humanity. her and jen's talk about their mothers showed another side of her that i really liked. and i'm a sucker for motherhood storylines, so i cried a lot during that scene.

i liked this episode a lot too. loved to see charlie so worried about his mother for once in his life, and how well judy handles things as a mother.

now this is where i get mad. the scene where jen and judy are talking outside was the perfect setting for them to confess feelings. michelle felt like something that judy needed to replace steve, so it wouldn't last anyway (me hoping that she's not showing up on season 3), and because she had that experience, now she could love jen in a healthier way, in a way that maybe she couldn't before. there were so many 'i love you's and so many hugs and touches and no kiss and i was sad.

i loved the way jen said that judy needed to learn how to say no (and also, can she please stop saying sorry all the time? she's always making herself sad to make others happy-- i can't stop seeing myself in her). and it was genius how they used this thing to make her say no to her mom, who only wanted to see her to get out of prison, it showed her strenght.

the way they picked up jen's grief for her mom was really nice, i'd also like to learn more about that in the future. we could really understand where her anger comes from and why she despises herself so much.

and, baby, let me tell you, judy hale is a GENIUS. the money inside the paintings? i never saw that coming and i was so happy watching that scene! specially when she showed jen and they held hands. :(

charlie found the letters and he's finally getting to know what actually happened to his father (i'm guessing), and i wanna see his reaction. and i'm so here for their vacation! "talk to me like lovers do!" she really just keeps playing with my heart. (and jen calling judy "judes" was really cute.)

the last scene was something. them talking about the sign and then ben hitting them because he was drunk? i wasn't expecting that. and, as i said before, liz likes a good cliffhanger, but this one didn't seem that harsh. if she wanted to, she could've just left us in the dark about whether jen was alive or not, but she didn't, and i appreciated that.

i still don't know if this leaves room for another big storyline, maybe this should be something to be solved in the first two episodes of season three so they could jump into something more exciting, i don't know.

"i love you more than wine. thank you for loving me and our boys."

OVERALL THOUGHTS

i liked this season a lot. it felt a lot different from season one, the settings, the air. it was a bit more chaotic, i must say, and i do think they could've maybe chilled for a little bit and left the high point of stress being only on episodes 9 and 10. literally, everything was happening, all the time, and the only time they had to breathe was when they went dancing that night.

there was a shift in my feelings, for sure. last season i picked up on a lot of judy's mistakes and things she did that bothered me. this season, i did that more with jen, but i still love them so much istg i'd die for them (not to sound dramatic or anything lmao). it's just that last season i identified a lot more with jen's anger and behaviors, and in this one a saw a lot of myself in judy, and that might've prevented me from criticizing them as much in their respective moments.

i love this show to death, and i'm just waiting for award nominations that i'm sure will come. let's just hope that, this year, they also acknowledge linda's brilliant acting and even give both of them some awards.

this is me, (im)patiently waiting for a season 3 confirmation and i'm sure i'm just gonna rewatch everything for the next year like i did with season one.

i needed to talk about this season, and twitter doesn't give me enough space to do that, but this is not something i usually do. if you read all of this, you're brave, and i'm thankful for your attention.

now, can liz please make judy and jen girlfriends?

[prettyfunkyunorganized]

Sugar Daddy Hanzo part 9

Hey guys, I’m sick as well as moving to a new town, so please forgive how short this chapter is. Just 2,500ish words. Hopefully, I can get the packing done soon and maybe get out another chapter this weekend. Take care, everyone!

BTW, this whole business world AU is based on my bud @watch-your-grammer‘s post here. She’s glorious and so is her work.

The rest of the story: pt one, pt two, pt three, pt four, pt five, pt six, pt seven, part eight

You rubbed your eyes as best you could without ruining your makeup and sighed. It felt as if you hadn’t had a good night’s rest in ages, not since the first time you and Hanzo had broken it off. Now, two months since Genji’s house party, you were still feeling crumpled and confused. Yes, the initial pain had subsided quite a bit, but your desire to be with him again was still raging like an inferno. As was your resentment at how terribly you missed Hanzo.

“Distractions,” you whispered to yourself as you slipped on your shoes, “I just need to be focused on something else. I’ll be fine. He’s just a boy, I’ll get over it.”

Which was worse, trying to force yourself to hate a man, or clinging on to every memory you had together like a desperate fanatic?

“Christ,” you hissed, “I’m starting to sound like Lori.”

As soon as you had tossed on your coat, your phone began to sing, and you smiled. “Hey Lucio,” you chuckled as you answered, “did you change my ringtone when I wasn’t looking?”

“Of course I did,” he laughed, “no college of mine is going to have a generic ringtone! Besides, ain’t you supposed to be repping me? Makes sense that you have one of my hits bumping out your cell every time I call!”

“Good point,” you nodded, checking your hair in the mirror one last time. “You here?”

“Yeah, I’m downstairs. You ready?”

“Be there in a sec,” you said, more cheerily than you had sounded in weeks. When your favorite client had surprised you at work the other day, things had instantly felt one hundred-times better. Lucio was always lively, excited, and willing to do just about anything to help someone have a good time. Which was where you came in. When he went a little over the top or stepped on a few toes with his . . . aggressive approach to philanthropy, you came in to smooth things over and convince media outlets to avoid heated words without knowing the facts.

“Lookin’ swanky, girl,” Lucio said as he waved you into his bright yellow sports car. “Those the frog earrings I sent you?!”

“Well of course,” you giggled, “they’re my favorite, and like you said, I’m here repping you.”

“Nice,” he said giving you a loud high five, “and might I say, you’re rocking that bright green dress.”

You flushed, “It’s not too much, is it?”

“No way! Just look at me,” he snorted, lowering his gold-rimmed sunglasses and gesturing to the shimmering golden equipment strapped to his legs. Even though he wasn’t the DJ at tonight’s event, the man wouldn’t be caught dead unprepared if the opportunity to ‘up the tempo’ arose.

“I suppose it’s not every day I get to go to a disco, so I may as well bring out the glittery go-go boots while I can,” you grinned.

“Now that’s what I like to hear,” Lucio cheered, pulling away from the curb like a wild man and cranking the radio, “Woo, let’s get this party started!”

As the two of you drove, Lucio chattered away almost nonstop, only interrupting his stories about his tour to bop along to the radio. He would automatically harmonize with any vocals, and his perfect tone gave you shivers.

“Is something up,” he eventually asked as he pulled up to the line for the valet parking, “you’re not usually this quiet.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” you lied, eyeing the big Overwatch logo on the massive limo in front of you.

“Hey,” Lucio said, turning down the music, “come on, talk to me. That’s why you’re my favorite person to work with – you’re honest with me, no matter if I do great or if I really screw something up.”

You looked over to him and sighed. Lucio wasn’t just a client, he was a friend, too. The two of you had fumbled through the beginning of your careers together and backed each other up when things went haywire. He had helped you build an amazing resume, and you had helped him become a household name.

“It’s just,” you began awkwardly, “I kinda had a bad break up a while ago, and I’m really hoping he won’t be here tonight.”

“Oof,” he grunted with a grimace, “that’s the worst. You were right when you told me not to date that pop star, ended in a world of hurt and I have to see her everywhere! This guy, would he be here on the famous people end, or on the sponsoring end?”

“Sponsoring, I guess,” you said waving your hand at the Overwatch circle in frustration.

“You were dating someone with Overwatch,” Lucio asked somewhat incredulously. You nodded. “Well, at least you know how to pick ‘em. Was he a bigwig? Most of the time only bigwigs come to these things. And old friends,” he added, elbowing you gently.

“He’s a bigwig,” you groaned, watching as Gabe, Lena, and Mei all shuffled out of the back seat. Maybe you would get lucky and avoid having to share a room with Hanzo tonight, but that seemed way too fucking unlikely.

“See him,” Lucio asked, leaning around to try to get a better look.

“No, but his brother’s here,” you said softly as Genji waved to the cameras flashing at him.

Lucio leaned over the steering wheel and gave you a sad look. “This is really bothering you, isn’t it?”

“It was a big, stupid, ugly mess,” you huffed. “I just want to get over it and move on.”

“Well that can be arranged,” he beamed, “all you gotta do is promise me you’re going to have some fun tonight, no matter if this jerk is in here or not.”

“How you do you know he’s a jerk,” you asked, slumping onto the armrest doubtfully. How could you enjoy yourself if you were going to be assaulted with Hanzo’s handsome face all night?

“The guy’s got to be a jerk, he let you go,” Lucio said with a wink, “and besides, even if he’s not a jerk we can pretend his is for the new couple of hours and rub our good time in his face. Because that’s what friends do – help their pals get dramatic revenge at fancy parties.”

You couldn’t help but smile at Lucio’s devious and cute smirk, “Alright, I’ll do my best to have a great time, no matter what.” Besides, it looked like Hanzo wasn’t going to show anyway.

“Hell yeah! First round’s on me,” he said sitting up in his seat and accidentally bumping the horn. The chorus from his current number one hit blared out and made the Overwatch crew jump. Lucio quickly rolled down his window and hung out the window. “Sorry ‘bout that!”

As soon as the paparazzi saw him, the crowd went wild with cheers and photographs and calls for his attention, which Lucio soaked up graciously. He waved and blew a few kisses before shouting, “Hey, how about these Overwatch folks though, am I right? Gotta love a group of people who’re trying to make the world safer.” With this, he plopped back in the driver’s seat and grinned at you. “Whoops.”

“Very good of you to put the attention back on Overwatch,” you laughed, “being humble is always a good look.”

“Just being honest, I really do have a lot of respect for those guys,” he said. “I suppose it would be rude of me to ask you to introduce me to some of them considering the circumstances, right?”

“Um, rain check,” you asked bashfully.

“Next time,” Lucio agreed.

After a moment or two, it was Lucio’s and your turn to walk up the party, only there was much more shrieking and, ‘we love you’ shouts than Overwatch had received. So many fans fawning over your friend, all you could do was shake your head. However, when he looped his arm in yours to lead you to the door, you went bright red, and the crowd gasped.

“Uh, Lucio,” you said tentatively.

“Let them jump to conclusions,” he scoffed, “it makes for good news, and if your ex comes around I want him to know that he’s going to have to deal with me if he wants to bug you.”

A snort burst from you as you looked at Lucio’s incredibly un-scary ‘tough-guy’ face. “He’s going to be petrified,” you laughed.

“Hey,” he said, feigning being hurt, “are you saying I’m not formidable? ‘Cause you know I am.”

“You’re the best, Lucio, that’s what you are,” you snickered as you pulled him to the door.

The lobby was decked out in neon lights and fluorescent colors, making you blink involuntarily. “Damn,” you gaped, looking at the tie-dye carpet that led to the massive glass elevator, “they really went all out.”

Suddenly Lucio gasped and gripped your arm and shook you. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! It’s D. Va!”

“The pilot and gamer girl? Wonder what she is – Holy shit! She brought her mech?! That’s – ” you reeled.

“That’s the coolest fucking thing ever,” Lucio squealed like an excited little kid. “You think she’d let me say hi? Or is that weird and needy? Or too super fan-y?”

“Didn’t she tweet out a few months ago that she was super bummed she wouldn’t be able to see your show in Seoul and – ”

“And gave that ticket to one of her fans! That’s right! She’s badass and a good person,” Lucio said with a wide smile.

“Not to mention a fan of yours,” you said. “Go see her! I’m sure she’d love to hang out with a fellow ‘badass and good person’ like yourself.”

Before you knew what was happening Lucio had swept you up in a massive hug. “Thanks, girl! You cool on your own for a few?”

“I’ll be fine,” you said shoving him away playfully, “now go, goofball.”

He scuttled off and disappeared into the growing hub of party-goers waiting for the elevator. You headed to the catering table nearby to wait, absently looking at the twelve disco balls twirling above you.

“Pretty, isn’t it,” snapped a familiar voice from behind you. You frowned and twisted around.

“Lori? What the – what are you doing here,” you asked worriedly. Since the whole incident with Hanzo, you hadn’t seen much of her, especially after she got fired for pitching fits at work all the time and trying to sabotage your work. Judging by her enraged scowl, she hadn’t gotten over it.

“Watching the mother-fucking finger food,” she snarled, gesturing to her little apron.

“Oh,” you said, taking a step back, “I, um – ”

“You ruined my life,” she seethed, grabbing your arm and pulling you toward her.

“Lorelai,” you sighed, “I’m sorry about the way things went down, I really am, but come on, can’t we just put it behind us?”

“What,” she said with an unsettling laugh, “you want to be friends again? No way in hell.”

“That’s not what I want,” you frowned, “but I don’t think charging me at a party is necessary either. That, and you weren’t exactly ‘friend of the year’ anyway.”

“You stole my boyfriend! You’re the shitty friend,” she barked, dragging you toward a corner. The music was so loud her outburst hadn’t turned any heads, but the sudden confrontation had a few people looking on curiously. Lori had always been very good at causing a scene.

“Look,” you sighed, “will it make you feel better if I tell you we’re no longer together?”

“What,” she asked, her voice no longer filled with malice.

“Yeah, I broke it off,” you shrugged, “had to.”

Lori’s head dipped back as she laughed mockingly. “Bullshit! He probably dumped you, saw what a damned mistake he made with your ugly ass.”

“Believe what you want,” you said trying to yank your arm away from hers, “but it’s over, for he and I, for you and I, now leave me alone.”

“No,” she growled, shoving you toward the wall and reaching for her apron’s pocket, “we’re not done yet, you homewrecker.”

“Woah now,” a very tall woman said as she approached the two of you, “is it not a little early in the party for fights to be starting up? I have not even had a drink yet.”

The stranger tried to put a hand on Lori’s shoulder, but your former friend was quicker, pulling out a small handgun and pointing it at you. Before anyone had time to say anything, Lori fired a shot at you.

You watched in horror as the big woman snatched Lori’s wrist and twisted it behind her before pinning her to the ground. The woman was a beast, holding tiny Lori with one hand and shoving the gun in her waistband with the other as if it were nothing before looking up to you. “Are you al– pizda rulyu.”

Everything felt tight and wrong as you tried to take a breath. But nothing happened, at least not as it was supposed to. Everything hurt as you looked down and saw the blood pouring from your chest. But it couldn’t be yours, could it? Everything swayed to the side as you touched your breast and the blinding pain hit you. But the choking feeling in your throat was somehow even more oppressive.

Somewhere you could see flurries of movement and frenzied noises, but your mind couldn’t process anything but your inability to take a proper breath. You were so scared. And confused. What had happened? What was happening? What was going to happen to you? Were you – were you dying? You looked up at the faces trying to help you, but they only frightened you more.

None of them were familiar.

Where was Lucio?

Where was Mags? And the rest of the girls?

Where was your mom? Your dad?

Where was your grandmother? Your grandfather?

Where was Hanzo?

You wanted Hanzo.

You didn’t want to die without him.

Instead of words, you hacked out blood as you tried to ask for him, which made you panic triple, but your body wasn’t your own right now. It flopped about and trembled and leaked and sputtered without your control. Everything was so blurry and painful. You grabbed out for someone – anyone who could help you find someone you loved, but no one understood. They laid you down and tried to stop the bleeding and said things you were sure were kind, but nothing helped.

Everything hurt, and you wanted Hanzo.

That’s all you wanted.

To tell him he was an asshole for ever ruining what you had together.

To tell him he was the best sex you’d ever had.

To tell him he was a persnickety dick.

To tell him he was the most important person in your life.

To tell him he was an uptight grouch who was about to turn everyone away.

To tell him he was an incredible man for trying so hard to better himself.

To tell him he was a pain in the ass.

To tell him he was the only man you’d ever loved.

But you wouldn’t get the chance.

He wasn’t here.

And you couldn’t force yourself to stay awake any longer.

@collinssie @watch-your-grammer @zarcake-writes @yesthisisbae @eebbapanda1@deercapitate @missbumblina @skyrina @justjaaaay@thewetbones @skyelentnight @ilovebva @punk-dork @cbrokeherboobs@sobanoodledragon @sydniesamm @honeyburger @knightofsexyness @queenoflabyrinths @speakingishard @iknowimcutethanks @ninevast @ivymarquis @sydniesamm @barbie-the-centrist @tumblertrash @angle0fthegourd @shaybae1997 @lillypet95 @rusty-potato @tt-nikithakppr

** please let me know if you would like to be tagged or removed from the tags in future updates and sorry if I missed anyone, I feel like tumblr is deleting my shit**

[taramatsu-san]

Writevember Day 1: Taking a Break

Prompt List | Read on Ao3

Today, Karamatsu is taking a break.

An ordinary day.

The window was open, a breeze flowing through that was slightly chilly, yet not cold enough to get Karamatsu to move to close it. Instead he just looked out it idly as he rubbed the back of his stiff and sore neck. Besides, he hated the stuffy feeling that came when the house was all closed up. Being able to look outside and admire the view was nice as well.

Not that there was much to look at. The sky was blue with only a few clouds drifting by to break up the color. In the distance there were tall buildings rising up, the familiar ones he always saw. Nothing ever really seemed to change around here. It was always the same and Karamatsu was bored. Bored of the view? Bored of his monotonous life? One of those things.

Not bored enough to do anything about it though. Sure he could hop on a train and get out of the city for a day. That would be an exciting adventure! Perhaps he could bring his guitar and serenade people who he would never see again. Yet he would live on in their memories, of that he was sure. That was an interesting concept. For a brief moment coming into someone's life, leaving behind only a faint memory and haunting melody. Well, like he said prior, he wasn't really up to such a task today. In fact, he honestly didn't want to do anything of substance today.

Today, he was taking a break.

It wasn't as if his normal lifestyle was hectic. He didn't work or go to school. Most days were days that normal people would consider breaks. Sure he helped out with chores from time to time (sometimes more than he would like) and he also had his own projects to work on, but none of that was really productive. At least not in the eyes of society.

Yet here he was, taking a break despite all that. Instead of washing the dishes or writing a new song or gazing intently into his mirror for any flaws, he was sitting here, slack jawed, looking out the window. Not even paying attention to the world outside. He wasn't paying attention to anything, really. Even his inner thoughts were meandering and meaningless. This was just another ordinary day with nothing to do.

His brothers all had plans for today though. Even if those were the same things they always seemed to do. Osomatsu had gone to play pachinko, which was pretty much what he did most days. He was being rather irresponsible with his money lately, which is why Karamatsu has declined to go with him. Someone had to set a good example of an elder brother.

Choromatsu had gone off to some store looking for Nyaa-chan merchandise. That was probably better than him having a panic attack over a job interview or similar. Choromatsu had been stressed out about many things lately. Karamatsu hoped that he was taking a break as well today. Constant anxiety over getting a job was just making him more anxious. An ouroboros of anxiety. Or some other apt metaphor, his brain was too foggy with pain at the moment to think up something more clever.

Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu had gone to play baseball, although that usually entailed very little actual playing. Mostly Jyushimatsu swung his bat around an absurd amount of times. With Ichimatsu tied to it. That felt far too hectic for Karamatsu at the moment, although he did enjoy Jyushimatsu’s enthusiasm, today the thought of hearing his younger brother shouting sent waves of nausea to his stomach.

Todomatsu had gone out with his friends, his friends that upset him occasionally, bringing his youngest brother to tears over a tweet or text. Things Karamatsu didn't have a full comprehension of, but it left a bad taste in his mouth knowing that despite the hurt feelings, Todomatsu went to hang out with them again. Well, he wasn't sure if he wanted to understand his brother’s actions. If being fake and having your so called friends hurt you was what it took to move up in society, he was content down at the bottom.

In any case, his head really hurt today, so it was easier to do nothing.

Karamatsu leaned back onto the floor, covering his eyes with his arm. Like this it was a bit more easy to ignore the pain throbbing in his head. Getting headaches was nothing new, he got them on occasion from drinking or stress, but this one was more intense. The tylenol he took didn't touch the pain. Oh well. Like most things, he was sure it would pass.

It was growing colder.

Autumn, his most favorite time of the year, felt like it had passed by in the blink of an eye. It was summer and warm just days before; now it was cold and much more bleak. The trees appeared to have changed colors overnight and dropped those leaves just as quickly. That's how fast autumn had arrived and left. He wished it would come back, he hadn't been able to appreciate it to the fullest extent. It was like a song that he wanted to hear but he wasn't listening closely enough so he had to restart it. You can't restart a season though. Once it was gone, it was gone.

Maybe he should stop lazing around and get up now. Do something. His sunglasses did need polishing. Osomatsu had borrowed them, citing them to be so very “cool”. That was a nice compliment, and at least he had broken them, but he had left smudges all over the lenses. But he really didn't feel like that at the moment.

Or maybe he should work on modifying his latest pair of jeans. He had picked them up at the thrift store for cheap, but they needed a lot if work to have that Karamatsu flair! He was thinking of adjusting them like a pair he saw in one of his fashion magazines, a few tears here and there, the back pockets lined with gemstones, it would be fantastic! Potential suitors would rush to his side, unable to resist his charms! But he wasn't really up for that at the moment either.

His guitar needed tuning as well. He wasn't done writing his latest smash hit! A song that would mark the hearts of those who heard it. A song that stuck in their heads and refused to leave. It would be a masterpiece! But at the moment noise might aggravate his already aching head. So he didn't feel like doing that either.

Perhaps he just needed a nap. His head hurting so much was making him nauseous. It was like a hangover, except without the fun part of drinking. He had been completely sober for days anyway. If only he had something to blame the pain on. Not that knowing would cure it any faster.

A nap wouldn't hurt anyway. He really had nothing important to do! It would be alright to be lazy just this once.

Not bothering to get up and grab a blanket or a pillow, his arm still covering his closed eyes, Karamatsu let his consciousness fade into the warm darkness of sleep.

[hiyo-silver]

Good Ole Days

Summary: Bill tells a childhood story for his channel, then he and Richie make dinner and hang out.

Pairings: Bill Denbrough/Richie Tozier

Chap 1 + AO3

Taglist:  @fuckboykaspbrak @thesquidliesthuman @starboystan @rachi0964 @shewasthewind @beepbeep-losers @bigbilliamdenbro @jalenrose1122 @sleepygaybrough @itandstrangerthingsfanfic @boopboopreddie @peachywyatt

Bill sits in front of the camera, god, I can't believe I'm so deeply closeted that I'm changing the pronouns in this story, he thinks to himself, turning the camera on with his normal plastered on smile. "Hi! As the title probably tells you, today I'm gonna tell the story about how I fell in love with my best friend in middle school!" He exclaims, clapping his hands together. - Bill pedals with all his strength, Richie's squeals of happiness and fear fuelling his adrenaline. He bikes on, right over a pebble, making the bike swerve dangerously.

Richie holds his breath as Bill takes further control of the bike, fully aware of how unpredictable silver can be. The tire makes an unpleasant sound on the gravel yet again, their balance wavering and before they know it they're on the ground with stinging knees and elbows.

Bill sits up first, picking a piece of gravel out of his knee, looking over to make sure Richie is okay, who's still on the ground, holding himself up by his hands so he never hit the ground completely.

Bill sees his glasses a few feet away, picking them up and blowing them off, "h-hey, Richie, these might help," he says with an awkward chuckle, putting them on the bridge of his friend's nose.

"Yeah, they might help," Richie agrees, getting up to crouch on the ground. "Jeezus dude you're bleeding!" Richie says, eyeing Bill's knee and a scratch on his face.

"It's f-fine, swear," Bill replies rather sheepishly, looking at the ground instead of Richie's eyes.

"Nah man, I'm gonna take ya home 'n fix ya up!" Richie decides, picking up silver and taking Bill's hand. Bill sighs begrudgingly, letting Richie walk him and the bike down the road.

The scrapes and scratches burn, causing him to wince and take in a sharp breath, Richie looking over at him worriedly. "Good, Bill-yum?" Richie asks, keeping his upbeat attitude despite his worry.

"Y-yeah, just a bit scratched up, h-hurts more when it's minor," he chuckles slightly, squeezing Richie's hand comfortingly.

Richie accepts the response, not wanting to argue, plus he trusts Bill. He knows Bill would never lie to him.

They reach the Tozier residence, Richie pulling a spare key out from under a garden gnome to let them in, his parents not home.

They let themselves in, Richie pulling Bill to the bathroom, sighing as he sees his out of control hair in the mirror, getting the Band-Aids out of the cabinet, Spiderman Band-Aids, they bring a small grin to Richie's lips.

He pulls out a band-aid and sticks it to Bill's knee and then another onto Bill's cheekbone, tapping it after he does, making Bill wince and chuckle at the same time.

Bill stands back up, having sat on the edge of the bathtub while Richie patched him up. The Band-Aids weren't completely covering the wounds and they weren't cleaned, but Bill smiles at Richie's attempt, better than I would have done for myself.

"Let's watch some telé?" Richie asks, using a dumb sounding French accent that brings a soft smile to Bill's face.

Bill nods in agreement, "Pretty s-sure Adventure Time is on," he laughs, guiding Richie to the living room.

- "And yeah- she and I really watched Adventure Time all day, hi- her parents didn't mind because they loved me, we were close," Bill finishes off the story, looking down at his hands before looking at the camera.

"Anyways! That was today's video! If you liked it; leave me a comment, maybe even subscribe and become a part of the family, according to some of you guys, I'm the daddy?" He chuckles slightly, putting an eyebrow up suspiciously.

He turns the camera off, shutting of his ring lights next, not wanting to add more to the electrical bill than he already constantly does with his need for good lighting. He starts gathering up his equipment, Richie should be home soon and he doesn't want to argue about Richie needing the filming space again.

Bill takes his things to his room, putting them in their usual places. He looks around at the slight mess around his space, organized but not clean. He hears the door open and slam.

"Honey! I'm home~!" Richie shouts, his hands cupped around his lips as he speaks to be even more obnoxiously loud, going straight to the kitchen for dinner. "What are we eating, you little verse?" He shouts from having his face in the fridge.

Bill pops out from being in his room, "I was thinking I'd try and make something, got the stuff for spaghetti because that seemed easy enough, and your childhood obsession with it," he teases, getting a box of noodles from the cupboard.

Richie chuckles, "Oh, Billy, you know I'm not letting you cook," he sighs, taking the box from him quickly, "Lemme do it, I had an obsession with it because I can make it well," he retorts, smacking Bill in the back of the head.

Bill sighs, "I only set it on fire once, and now I'm labelled for life," he smirks, getting the pot out from below the sink.

"Yeah but I for one, am not paying to replace anything," he says, sticking his tongue out in Bill's general direction.

Bill holds the pot under the sink, running the water into it, at least going to help, even if he wouldn't be allowed by the stove again after that incident. He sighs overdramatically, "Do I need to tweet about you bullying me again?" He asks jokingly.

"My God, not again," Richie sighs even more overdramatically. He takes the filled pot and puts it on the stove to reach a boil, hopping up to sit on the counter.

Bill just smirks, "How was your day?" He asks, sliding into his seat on the barstool.

"It was good! Filmed a video with Mike! We played that one game- Dream Daddy, sounds about like someone I know," he teases, waggling his eyebrows at Bill suggestively.

"I'm gonna kill you in your sleep for suggesting that I'm a daddy," Bill deadpans, raising his eyebrows at him.

"Ah, sweet release, please," Richie laughs, dumping the noodles into the boiling pot, pressing them into the water with the wooden spoon.

Bill just rolls his eyes, getting up to retrieve the pasta sauce from the fridge, getting another pot to warm it in and putting it on a burner, turning it up and watching it bubble. "Maybe if I burn the house down," he smirks.

Richie shakes his head slowly, stirring the noodles around until they seem soft enough, pulling out a strand of pasta and throwing it at the wall to test it, "Ah! It's done!" He announces when it sticks.

"Hey! Lemme do it too!" Bill insists, grabbing his own strand, throwing it next to Richie's. He chuckles, "You know I do that every time," he warns, despite having already done it.

Richie laughs with him, their usual routine with any type of noodles, they've found it doesn't work with anything but angel hair pasta, and they still have dried spaghetti on their wall from last time. He gets out two bowls and a ladle, serving them each a bowl and some of the red sauce on it.

"Big mouth?" Bill suggests, taking his bowl and grabbing himself a bottle of Coke from the fridge.

"You know it, man- God the hormone monster is relatable," he grins, grabbing his own coke and making his way to the couch, plopping down and putting his feet up on the coffee table.

Bill kicks Richie's calve, "Hey! We've talked about this, you're getting dirt all over it, at least take your shoes off when get home," he teases, propping his own feet up the same way and grabbing the remote.

Richie smiles, adjusting his feet and spinning his spaghetti around on his fork, taking a bite and letting the noodles hang down and slurping them up with an unpleasant noise.

Bill just laughs, burping on purpose, only for the sake of keeping up the gross behavior. He clicks the show, continuing on the last episode he and Richie had ended up on in their last binge.

Just like old times, minus a few Spiderman Band-Aids, Bill thinks to himself with a subtle side smile.

[atticawenny]

[ Bath and Tea Time]

- A Taejin Fluff - Characters: Kim Seokjin | Kim Taehyung - Words Count: 2685

***

He is unable to erase the lingering thought out of his mind. It has been bothering him for at least twelve hours straight. He still cannot believe he said those hurtful words to Taehyung.

Seokjin takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes, only to open them up again, staring blankly at the ceiling of his bedroom. His breathing is stuttering as if something heavy is sitting on top of his chest as he’s lying there limply. Warm tears starts to prickle at the corner of both his eyes, falling unstoppably to his ears, his hair and his bed.

At first, it’s only a mute type of crying. The one where your eyes filled with tears and your shoulders shake mildly. But then it turns into the one where you cannot control your own voice anymore.

He HATES being vulnerable but he doesn’t understand how a soft whimper escapes his mouth, followed by another one. Then another one. Then another. It then turns into uncontrollable sobs echoing in the walls.

He is only wearing shorts and a simple white t-shirt, he can feel the empitness and the coldness of the bedroom seeps through his exposed skin. He rolls his body to the side, pulls his knees to his chest. He doesn’t even bother to shut his mouth because he knows no one will hear him. He is not that kind of person who would show his vulnerable side to anyone, after all.

It’s 5 pm and other members have been gone to have dinner outside. It’s not like they didn’t ask Seokjin, but he insisted that he wanted to stay at home to try to sleep. At least Yoongi understood since he had seen Seokjin rolling restlessly in his bed several times. He told the other members not to worry and he asked them to have fun while kicking the clingy Jimin out of the door. But Kim Taehyung knows the real reason.

***

Yesterday, at around 9 pm after their dance practice, Seokjin went to the bathroom to wash his face. He just wanted to go home and sleep and do nothing else. He has been unable to sleep for the past few days and it’s been killing him. He saw dark circles under his eyes in the bathroom mirror. His slightly pale face made the rims looked darker.

To make his day worse, earlier he saw this one tweet saying that he is useless in the band and he should go and die. Of course he has seen this kind of comments a thousand times, but he just did not understand why this one hit him so hard.

It’s nothing, it’s just because of these sleepless nights, he was trying to calm himself.

His head felt heavy, his stare became unfocused. He didn’t know he had been standing there for more than 10 minutes doing nothing, until someone tugged his shirt.

“Hyung.”

Seokjin came back to his senses and saw Taehyung’s reflection stared at him.

“Hyung, we’ve bought bulgogi and rice, let’s eat”

He didn’t reply a word. He just stared at Taehyung’s reflection who was staring back at the elder’s reflection.

“Hyung?”

His head was throbbing in pain and a wave of nausea hit him.

“I don’t want.”

“Ah hyung, come on.”

Ah this boy, can’t you see how tired I am?

“Hyung, let’s go eat…”

“I said I don’t want to. Fuck off you annoying bastard.”

***

Seokjin shuts his eyes again, but Taehyung’s gloomy face keeps haunting him. He tries to convince himself that the reason he did the thing he did yesterday was because of his fucking insomnia.

He remembers seeing Taehyung back off a little and lower his gaze to the bathroom floor. He remembers seeing the younger open his mouth to say something but shut it again. He remembers seeing Taehyung stare at him with his unreadable expression, slowly turn back and walk out of the bathroom door.

He should’ve stopped him and said sorry but he didn’t. He kind of expected the younger to scream and spit back bad words, but he just quietly walked away. And that hit Seokjin like a brick in the face.

***

Fucking insomnia, what the hell. What a lame excuse to spit ugly words to your dongsaeng. He and Taehyung have not uttered a word ever since the incident. Even earlier today, the younger kept avoiding eye-contact with him. And Seokjin is too tired and too selfish to fix the situation.

They have always been goofy to each other, throwing jokes and all, but he thinks cursing at Taehyung is a bit too much. It has crossed the border line of joke completely. Seokjin knows that both of them are sensitive, and if he was the one to be called a bastard, he would’ve hurt too.

Today is supposed to be free from stress yet he finds himself in this stressful state. His body is worn-out, his mind is exhausted, yet he is unable to sleep. At this moment, he is considering to see the doctor to have a prescription of something to help him rest at night, but he is still uncertain to take the decision. Maybe he will ask Yoongi later.

Seokjin is still curling into a ball in his bed, trying to come up with a solution: a solution for his insomnia and more importantly a solution for his issue with Taehyung, when suddenly the bedroom door creaks open.

It takes him by surprise and he immediately gets up to see someone standing by the door.

“Yah, what are you doing here?” he blurts out.

Was that my voice speaking to him? I should’ve shut my mouth.

Seokjin’s inner thought quickly takes over, but what’s spoken has been spoken.

Kim Taehyung it is, who’s standing quietly with his gloomy face. He takes a timid step forward, keep watching the elder’s face intently.

“May I come in, hyung?”

“You’re already in tho.”

Taehyung scratches his head and looks down to the floor and then looks up again to see Seokjin.

“Hyung…” He is still frozen in the same spot.

Sitting in his bed, Seokjin raises both hands to his face, trying to wipe remaining traces of tears casually, praying that Taehyung won’t see any.

Taehyung bites his bottom lip, inhaling and exhaling breaths too hard they are echoing in that room. With his final inhale, he takes a sudden step and moves quickly towards Seokjin.

Still standing, Taehyung grabs the back of Seokjin’s head with his right hand and pulls the elder to an embrace. He lowers his head so he can feel Seokjin’s hair on his face. The elder’s hair is damp with sweat, but he loves the familar smell, “I heard you cry.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Seokjin replied with a muffled voice, with his hands still on his face, and himself in the younger’s embrace.

Taehyung pulls himself and sits in the bed to face Seokjin. “Hyung, please look at me.”

Seokjin only shakes his head.

Taehyung pulls the hands away from Seokjin’s face softly, only to find the elder’s bloodshed eyes.

“I don’t want you to see me like this, Taehyung-ah.” He looks away, trying to hide his eyes effortlessly.

Taehyung’s heart is broken to see his hyung like this. Seokjin has always been strong for everyone. He puts other members first above himself. He tries so hard to be cheerful so he can spread positive energy to the younger ones. And seeing him crying at the moment is sure a rare sight, and a heartbreaking one.

“Teahyung-ah, am sorry about yesterday.”

“No, hyung…”

“And what are you doing here? You should be having dinner outside. Aish, I’m fine. Yoongi probably said that I’m not well and all, well, I’m okay so you…”

“Hyung…”

“…so you can go back outside and…”

Seokjin is silenced by a hand clasped into his mouth. “Sshhhhh, hyung, am here. Please let me be here to keep you company. I’m sorry I wasn’t sensitive enough to care that you were tired yesterday. I’m sorry, hyung. I do care about you.”

“I came back here after Yoongi hyung told me you have this sleeping trouble. Then I heard you crying. I’m sorry, hyung.”

Taehyung takes Seokjin’s hand and put it on his own cheek, feeling it while closing his eyes. He reopens them again and meets Seokjin’s soft gaze.

“I am here for you, hyung.”

Seokjin stares at the younger’s chocolate eyes. He has seen these eyes countless times, yet they’re beautiful and mesmerizing as always. The kind of thing that is so soft, so pure, sometimes so out of this world, and oftentimes he finds himself lost in them.

He leans his forehead on Taehyung’s left shoulder, where he can sense the latter’s sweet scent wafting from his denim Gucci jacket.

Taehyung puts his hand on the elder’s back, caressing it with soothing circles.

“Thank you, Taehyungie,” Seokjin breaks the silence after a few minutes.

Taehyung gives him a gentle smile and then he gets out of the bed, pulling Seokjin with him.

“Come on, hyung. Let’s do this.”

“Do what?”

“Bath time.”

“WHAT?”

Taehyung looks at him with a serious look “Hyung, can you trust me?”

Seokjin glares at him. “I don’t have a choice, do I?”

Taehyung gives him a gentle smile again and says, “Wait here.”

Seokjin is clueless. He sees Taehyung get inside the bathroom and he can hear water running into the bathub.

Not long after, the blond-haired male peeks his head outside.“C'mere, hyung.”

Seokjin laughs a little laugh and walks inside the bathroom. He can see the bathtub has been filled with warm water.

And what’s this flowery scent?

“It’s wild chamomile.” Taehyung grinning at the other end of the bathtub.

“So what to do now?”

“Please hyung, have a bath here, it’s warm so it’s okay. I bought this wild chamomile essential oil and put it in your bath water. I asked the shop owner to give me the best and the most expensive one.”

“So considerate.”

“As expected from your best dongsaeng, eh, hyung?”

“I don’t remember I told you that.”

Taehyung just smiles at the tease and offers a hand to Seokjin.

“Get inside the bathub, hyung, before it gets cold.”

“With these clothes on?”

“Should I take them off for you?” Taehyung gives him a wink.

Seokjin laughs again, takes Taehyung’s hand and steps into the warm water, with his t-shirt and shorts on. He lies his back on the bathub and stretches his legs.

“Won’t you come in too?”

“If I do that, it’s gonna be a different story.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Instead of answering, Taehyung puts his jacket off, leaving him with only a black t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans on; sits himself on the bathroom floor; leaning his chest onto the bathtub’s side and puts his hands into the water.

“Ahh this feels so good.”

“Right?”

Seokjin gives Taehyung a big grin.

Taehyung moves to sit at the back of Seokjin’s head and he starts massaging Seokjin’s shoulders.

“You know you don’t have to do this, Taehyung-ah.”

“Shhhh no complaining allowed.”

Seokjin sighs and shuts his eyes and silence falls all over them once more.

“But hyung,” Taehyung whispers in the elder’s ear with his husky voice, “do you have something in your mind?”

Seokjin just shakes his head as an answer.

“I’m okay.”

Taehyung feels like his hyung is not telling the truth, but he just hums an “okay” and continues massaging his shoulders.

“I’m okay when I’m with you, Taehyung-ah.”

Seokjin is playing with soap bubbles appearing on the surface. The warm water and the fragrance mixed together bring peace to his mind. He closes his eyes in content, accompanied by the low husky voice of Taehyung humming “Hold Me Tight.”

The incident yesterday seems so far away. The “you should go and die tweet” sounds meaningless.

“Taehyung-ah…”

“Hmmm hyung?”

“Last week, you know, before I got this damn sleeping problem, I had this weird dream. I thought it was real, but I don’t know whether I have to be happy or sad because it wasn’t real.”

“Tell me about it.”

“In my dream, I was diagnosed with some kind of deadly disease. The doctor told me and the people around me that I only had a few days left. I don’t know, the dream skipped forward to my last day.”

Seokjin pauses for a second, inhaling the flowery scent lingering in the bathroom.

“I was in my bed and I was so sleepy. I didn’t recognize the people around me but they seemed to love me a lot. I remember the details so clearly, they were all crying but smiling at the sime time. I remember what they were wearing, there were six of them. They looked at me with those heart eyes, you know.”

Seokjin pauses again and Taehyung keeps massaging his shoulders, slower now.

“So I was so sleepy I could hardly open my eyes. I was so sad yet happiness bloomed in my chest. I felt my breathing was getting slower. It wasn’t harder, it was just slower, gentler. Like a swing in a garden full of flowers, where it is blown by the wind then when the wind is gone, the swing is swaying slower, slower, before it goes into a complete stop. I was thinking, ‘Death is so peaceful’, and I felt my body slowly drifting away, like flying, as I closed my eyes and I couldn’t see those lovely people anymore.”

Silence falls all over the bathroom walls. Taehyung has stopped massaging Seokjin completely. His fingers are gripping his shoulders too hard than he means to.

He puts his chin on top of Seokjin’s head and kiss his hair. Hot tears fall down from his eyes and drop on the elder’s dark locks.

“Why are you crying, Taetae?”

“I don’t know, hyung.” He whispers in Seokjin’s ear. “I think, it was so sad yet so beautiful.”

Taehyung circles his hands around Seokjin’s chest and the elder holds them too tight it might hurt both of their hands but he doesn’t want to let go.

“Taehyung-ah, hyung loves you a lot.”

***

When the water runs cold and both of them run out of things to say, they decide to finish their wild chamomile bathtime session, remove their soaked clothes, and return to the warmth of the bedroom.

Seokjin is dressing himself in his blue pajamas when Taehyung says, “Hyung, wait here.”

“What now?”

Taehyung just smirks and makes his way out of the door. When he hasn’t returned in 10 minutes, the elder decides to look for the younger. But, when he is about to stand up, he sees Taehyung bringing a tray with a bowl and a cup on it.

It is a bowl of chicken soup and a cup of chamomile tea.

“The heck, Tae.”

“You’re welcome, hyung.”

Taehyung puts the tray on the bedside table and insists in feeding Seokjin.

“Where the heck did you get all these? And lemme eat by my self.”

“I’m not a senseless man who asks his hyung to sleep with an empty tummy. I have my own mysterious way to get all these.”

“Yah, thank you so much, Kim Taehyung.” Seokjin replies, unbothered to ask what mysterious ways Taehyung did to get the food and the tea served because he knows the younger won’t tell him anyway.

Taehyung gives him a warm smile and makes sure Seokjin finish his meal and his tea.

“The tea is supposed to make you relax so I hope you can sleep earlier tonight, hyung.”

“I feel like you are babysitting me.” Seokjin chuckles.

“Old baby, you are.” Taehyung pinches the tip of the elder’s nose, making him yell, protesting to leave him alone and regretting his actions of taking a bath and eating what the younger has served.

Taehyung laughs and hugs Seokjin tightly in bed. Seokjin is lying in content, a comfortable warm feeling fills his heart. “Thank you again, Tae-ah.”

“Shhhh don’t mention it.”

“And I don’t know why I told you about the dream.”

“You can tell me anything, hyung.”

Seokjin gives him a gentle smile and then shuts his eyes.

The incident yesterday seems so far away. The “you should go and die tweet” sounds meaningless. The insomnia seems gone into nothingness.

Taehyung gets up to turn off the lights, except the one from the reading lamp. The bedroom is now dimmed and he gets back to crawl and lie next to Seokjin. He strokes his hyung’s hair and taps his fingers on Seokjin’s chest softly while listening to the elder’s steady breathing.

After a few moments pass by, Taehyung raises his gaze to see Seokjin’s face. He cannot stop his grin from spreading across his face. The grin then turns into a gentle smile as he sees his hyung sleep so soundly with his face so beautiful, so out of this world.

“I love you too, hyung-ah.”

******

Note: Park Jimin buys the chicken soup but Taehyung makes the tea by himself 😁

[in2manyfandoms]

New Hate / / Oliver Schermerhorn

Author notes: So hi, Basically, This is new, don’t know if its been done before, took me about 2 days to write as I was so determined to get it done. As we go any further, tweet and post #reneweverythingsucks okaay. So if you do want a part 2 just request, I had some inspiration for a couple of the step up films so don’t um judge okay, this is a concept that took me ages to come up with. I actually did act out some bits to see if it would work. (some references to other tv shows, set in kind of present time but still got the 90s vibe and im not from the us so im trying to get lingo - character - you have different hair k) So okay happy reading. 

Warnings: none yet

First day, You had moved from Riverdale to Boring, Oregon. Was it really the right move though. Fuck knows. You woke up for the first day of school, Wednesday. Lucky you were only at the start of the semester. Could be worse. You got out of your bed, the coldness of the room hit leaving chills down your spine. ‘’breath” you muttered to yourself, it will be a good day. You stood in front of the mirror. Your pyjamas were big, a t-shirt and little shorts. Cute. You checked your hair which didn’t look dirty, actually it looked fresh even though you washed it last night. You picked up your black hairbrush and went through your locks. Your hair was quite knotty as having long blackish/purple hair kind of makes it hard to brush. You managed to finish your hair and run down the stairs to get breakfast. You hated the idea of seeing your parents. They weren’t exactly home all the time. “how did you sleep darling” your mother comes around the corner just as you got onto the last step. You groan. You were a fucking senior, getting babied. For god sakes you were practically covered in tattoos and had piercings. You practically walked past your mom and quick opened the fridge. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. How does one not have food in the fridge? You ran back up the stairs and slammed your door. You opened your closet doors. “hmm” you whispered. You picked out a pair of skinny jeans and a musical note tank top. Of course with black biker jacket. You picked up your black combat boots. Black sun glasses. Sorted. You picked up your bag. You didn’t actually know what was in it but still. 

You got to the front gates of the school. Boring High School, what a name. You stood there for a while, standing more to one side, your arms folded. You were relaxed. You chuckled. You unfolded your arms reaching into your pocket to pull out a box of cigarettes, You quickly opened the packet pull one of and put it between your lips. You took out your lighter and lit the cigarette sucking the smoke to the back of your throat and exhaling it back out. You didn’t exactly want to move from your spot but you dropped your cigarette on the floor, you stepped on it and head into the doors. ‘’A year of this’’ you thought. You walked through the doors after a 5 minute walk to the door. The walls were like a greeny colour on the bottom of the walls and white on the top. Red lockers. You stood at the door for a second, everyone was in the corridors. Everyone’s eyes seem to fall on you. You sucked in a breath. You held your head high and practically strutted through the hallway. ‘Whos that” people were saying. You were about to turn the corner and you turned your head slightly to left. A guy and a girl. The guy had brown hair and the girl had blonde hair with brown in it. You couldn’t see anything else because you turned your head back. You continued down the corridor to find the office. Worthy guess where it was. You went into the office and stood there for a second. “Y/N, Y/L/N” A man asked. You looked at him with a smile and nodded slowly. He walked over giving your hand a shake. You bit you lip piecing, you suddenly got nervous. You followed him into a room, guessing he was the principle. “So I’m Mr Messner, the Principle here at Boring High School” He sat into the black chair behind the desk, you sat down in the black chair in front. “You are a senior so you will get a few free periods” he looked down a paper, he smiled then looked up to you “You moved from Riverdale to here” he nodded “exemplary grades” he grinned. He put his hands into his lap moving back into the chair. “What are you plans for college?” he asked looking serious again. You were slightly anxious. You looked at him, you let a breath leave your lips. Sounded like a sigh. You scratched your forehead. “I want to be a dancer, I want to study the performing arts” you began. He leaned forward, he became interested. He smiled and nodded. He’s impressed by you. “I like the sound of that, we have the performing arts here so you will fit right in” He picked up a piece of paper from the wooden desk and leant over to hand it you. Yu took the paper from his hand. You quickly scammed through it. “Your timetable and your locker and everything is in there.” He quickly got up and put out his hand for you to shake it. You got up fast and shook his hand. You went for the door and out of the office. 

Registration. God you hated Registration back home. Room 93. You were across the hallway to find it. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. You counted. 93, finally you found it. You opened the door. It was light either. You managed to open it. Everyone just looked up at you. You awkwardly went in. “You’re Late” you looked at the teacher. 2 MINUTES LATE, CHILL LADY “Sorry” You awkwardly walked to a free desk. You put your bag down on the floor and sat in the chair. “You must be Y/N, /Y/L/N” She said again, you awkwardly smiled. “Welcome” She plastered a smile on her face. You slumped down into the chair. You looked around the room to see the guy with brown hair, you noticed he had deep brown eyes. A jawline that was so sharp, distinctive. He was wearing a Military jacket. Your gaze at him stopped when he looked back at you. You quickly turned your head. Didn’t get his name but isn’t like you’d remember it. 

A few classes till lunch, that guy was in most of your classes and seemed to keep looking at you. It was quite off putting really. The bell rang loud across the school. LUNCH. Best part of the day. I mean who doesn’t like food. You practically ran into the cafeteria to get your food, You picked up your tray, you had ham sandwich, chocolate bar and a orange, but like you picked up the coke and put in on the tray. You were to a free table and sat down placing your bag on the floor. Just as you picked up the sandwich and massive thud happened in the room. “YOU THINK IM SOME KIND OF SLUT” your eyes flicked up to a girl standing on the red chair. Her dirty blonde hair and a while dress with black tights. Weirdly though she was wearing some kind of trainers with it. Because god that totally goes. Not. You were slightly amused by this but who cares. “I KNOW YOU’RE A SLUT, SLUT” a guy voice spoke, your eyes followed the voice. That guy from registration. “THY HAS SLEPT WITH ANOTHER” He shouted. god it was a scene. You didn’t know which one but sounded dull. “UNTWIST KNIGHT TOUNGUE, WHAT MERCH YOU HAVE TO SEE HAS SOLD YOU SUCH UNTRUTHS.” She came off the chair walking into the empty area. You put your sandwich down and slouched back into your seat. Trying to have a normal day here. “In thy sleep when thou didst dreamed out this chirp infidelity” wow that’s so original. This scene was never ending. “For sue’s but dreamers often lie asleep in a trance as boys and men alike ask me in their pants” You kind of just face planted for a second. “COUNTERFIET” he took a breath before continuing “Thou has made me do this you BITCH” empathising on the bitch. He Pulled out a silver knife. He punched in into his stomach. He gasped, he did a kind of stagger forward and grabbed the girls hand before falling on the floor. She just screamed. She ran to a table and picked up a corn dog. Odd. “DAGGER, I AM THY SCABBER” before pretending to slit her throat with it. She held her neck and staggered across the floor before falling quite awkwardly dramatic. They were still and the whole room just fell with whispers. A few moments later they both jumped up. “SCENE” The boy spoke. “I am Oliver Schermerhorn” “And I’m Emaline Addario” they spoke, They put their arms around each other. “And auditions for Uncle Vanya will be held today in the auditorium. This could be you” He smiled. So cheesy. “We are obviously playing the leads but lesson roles and crew positions remain available.” You sat there put your head back and brought yourself back up. “JOIN US” they spoke together before breaking out into a intense make out scene. Yawn. Everyone was cheering. People actually cheer when people kiss. What is this? They walked over to your table. Arms around each other. “So you’re new here” Emaline Spoke. “Is it seriously that obvious” you spoke with a harsh tone. “Rumours about you have already gone around, You moved here from Riverdale?” She spoke again. “Yeah so?” “what did you think about our scene?” Oliver spoke smiling so his teeth were showing. You picked up your bag and walked around the table. “It was shit” you paused; smiling “Boring” you paused again and smirked. “Too dramatic” You laughed. “Ricky and Tony is it?” You asked. Their face dropped from smiles to straight faces. You stepped closer to them “Riverdale was maybe not the best when it came to performances but at least they actually managed to get people cheering without a make out scene” You laughed. You looked them up and down, you scoffed. You just simply just walked away. Amateurs.

[theprivacypolicy]

RIP, Bourdain. Good Morning, willpower.

    The first bit of information I received when I opened my eyes this morning was the news of Anthony Bourdain's death. By suicide. The second celebrity death this week. I was raised under the belief that death comes in threes. He is the third suicide I've heard of this week. A friend of mine watched a woman jump to her death on the L train platform hours after Kate Spades death was announced. He shared his experience 1 min later on Instagram stories.

    The death of Bourdain brings great sadness, as I and many others of my generation were fans of his. Details about this popularity, admiration and fandom are all probably pretty similar. He served the same to so many of us, I’d be an echo if I regaled right now. Something about a book and maybe steak and maybe an addiction. Everyone had a favorite Bourdain thing. Mine was mostly about food talk and human empathy. I’ll save that part for myself. Maybe I’ll share later. But here’s what shook me out of bed to send a text to my closest ex about the news. This depression thing. This depression thing is so real. We are watching so many things unfold in this new black mirror landscape, our ability to share information which travels great distances at great speed is something generations before us never had. Look how we are confronting it. Look at how we are using this medium.I took a screen shot of the article, shared the news on my Instagram stories with a caption “depression is serious you guys. Depression is very very real.” After witnessing the platform jumper, my friend shared his experience with a quick insta story, because I guess you get service on the Bedford platform. I probably would have done the same. My social news feed this morning is post after post of Bourdain, various homage and tribute. Earlier this week, pictures of Kate Spade bags and shoes. Who the fuck is this for? This post for you? So you feel good knowing that people know you read his book? You had a pair of her shoes?  “Check in on people”... oh word? Did you check in on anyone before you reframed that Instagram photo of your purse?

     Gross. I stay throwing shade at posts from “Friends” yet I see myself doing the same shit. If we are so quick to post and share and comment, make this connection, share an opinion, make judgement, claim a feeling, post a picture of yourself with the departed, why are we so slow to confront what we are really and truly saying? There’s always a reason behind these posts that go unshared. We are so falsely candid. Sometimes if feels like the more we post, the more transparent things become that everyone is full shit. What was I trying to say with my pre-coffee Instagram? What was so important to me that I needed to get that out in that medium at that moment? Pretty sure my post was a guise to say, “I know about depression, because I have clocked a lifetime of experience with that shit, and now you know.” So, instead of saying it in 40 characters or less, here is what I really wanted to say....

    The suicides this week are a “trigger” for me. I grew up in a house with a manic depressive bipolar single mother of 3 girls. I witnessed a lot at a young age. For 18 years, I had a front row seat to symptoms of depression I often mistook as “normal”, for lack of alternate lens. One of my earliest  memories was watching my mother try to slit her wrist AND jump off my 32nd fl terrace. At the same time. I pretended I was sleeping. I was watching through a crack in the blanket over my head while my sister calmed her down and removed the kitchen knife from her hand.  I remember that every time I use a knife that looks like the one she held. Her depression was real. Hours in bed, in a dark room with the TV flickering sitcoms, sometimes turned into days. Calls from my school checking in because I missed so many days in a row. She couldn’t muster the strength or energy to dress me and get me on the school bus. Once I understood her behavior as illness, I kept it a secret from my friends. My mother survived her depression and passed away, ultimately, from a viral illness. I don’t doubt that years of depression exhausted her immunity to fight the various illnesses and cancers she battled over her 54 years. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which came first, chicken or egg. And as frustrating and traumatic it was to be in the care of the mother who faced the challenges she faced, I found myself in awe of her willpower today. I struggle with reflecting on my relationship with my mother, but the death of Bourdain and Spade gave me some insight, and that, I am appreciative of.

This is about willpower.

    Here is the other kicker. I too have a relentless relationship with depression. Trauma is a hellofadrug, maaan. So when I’m out on these social media streets judging tweets, I’m not being a h8r. I kind of feel like I’m a part of a club today. Some of us looking at each other with a shared understanding. For pop culture sake: If you know, you know. On a text chain to a best friend on “the inside”, who truly knows me and my shit- I wrote on depression; “There’s like a clear identifiable line between the people who understand and the people who don’t and front like they understand. And then worse the ones who flap about “checking in with your friends” when you know damn well they don’t practice that shit.” I found refuge in his understanding my message. I find refuge in sharing my true feelings with him. He’s got the dark cloud sometimes, too. He gets it. He suggested I not let the social media voices get to me. Didn’t stop me from scrolling and getting fired up.

“OMG so sad! So surprising!”

Really though? Is it?

“He was so good at enjoying life”.  

No, he wasn’t. If he were, this wouldn’t have happened. Someone who is “good at enjoying life” looks at life and kills themselves in France is not good at enjoying life. Don’t put that on people. That’s a pressure. Being “good at enjoying life” is a broad fucking statement. It shouldn’t be a measure. I’m sure he wanted to be good at enjoying life, and maybe his projects were forms of therapy to get him though the days. But he wasn’t good at enjoying life. He faked it. And that’s ok, too. Coping mechanisms can really make a false impression. People are surprised? Honestly, I’m not surprised at ALL. Not one bit. Because depression is real. Being shocked that depression can bring someone to a deep dark place is a privilege I wish I had.

I’m so frustrated with the empathy struggle for those who do not experience depression. I once had a Christian friend of mine say he didn’t understand and has no sympathy for anyone who kills themselves. He shared he has never been depressed and doesn’t understand how anyone “gets that way” because he keeps life simple by not having high expectations of people. That must be nice. So many problematic things there. The good thing about not understanding anyone who kills themselves is that they dead. So they don’t care what you think and they likely didn’t want your sympathy anyway.

    This idea of expressing understanding of depression is so fragile. Either you understand from experience, and by proxy, reveal trauma. Or you don’t have an experience to borrow empathy from and are then risk alienating the effected. Or worse, you pretend to empathize because the “victim” was famous. Then, add social media to the mix (which we know is the worst already). RIP posts are a great example of toxic group think and narcissism. And I know, a lot of the RIP chatter is just personal coping. I love myself some personal public coping, clearly, this is proof. I guess my wish for us all, on any side of depression, is that we be more honest with ourselves about what we are trying to say when we post shit in times like these. What are we really trying to say? And to whom? And why?  Look friends, no tea no shade, I get it. Sometimes these purse pictures and “I own Kitchen Confidential” posts are simply, a show of respect, a modern twist on ceremony. Like wearing all black. I did my tribute part today, too. I’m wearing all white. ( I wear black all day every day). It’s for me really it’s not for anyone else.  My ceremonious acknowledgement of how valuable life is.  If social media has become a part of your ceremony, c'est la -modern- vie, I guess? I didn't sign up for this ride. But I am going to try and be gracious while on it. Consider this: the post you make about shock and sadness might alienate someone who could otherwise open up to you about their battle with depression. It is not always visible. Destigamtize it by being open to the understanding that this can happen to anyone at any time. No one is immune. Sure, post a number to a hotline, but consider that suggesting a “solution” or sharing advice on something you have zero experience with is not effective. Not for this one. We see through those. Is that post for us? Or just so people know you know how to “help” people? Have you done this? Don’t be embarrassed, I do it to. With shit like refugees and pipelines. But the refugees and Native Americans probably can’t see my armchair activism. Chances are, your depressed friend see’s these. Better thing? Answer their call. Send them a text. Don’t get upset if they don’t write back.

   On life, depressed or not, we get one. We should all check in with ourselves, at least twice a day. And check in with each other more often than we do, even the retreaters. Especially the retreaters. A classic symptom of depression is retreating. We should also be cognizant of when someone has struggled and has taken the right steps to better themselves. Support those initiatives. Be careful with the word crazy. Be careful with the word bipolar. Saying “get help” is as effective as wearing a safety pin to tell people they are “safe”.

    Les Halle's will be packed today, no doubt.  I have the urge to go there and have a martini, myself, a thing I would do there when I was 25 and feeling more optimistic about the world. Just kidding. It’s closed now. News to me. Whatever other foods and places and stops Bourdain swore by will be frequented, they’ll run out with whatever is the thing that he recommended. His favorite patisserie didn’t know this was going to happen today. The kitchen at his favorite spots didn’t expect that they’d run out (86?) the dish he insisted was a must have. The Friday rush was expected but I suspect orders in rapid excess today, because that’s how New Yorkers deal. In rapid excess. The shift will end and another will begin the next day. In the perpetual motion machine, many will be pausing in a moment for Bourdain today. Same here. RIP Bourdain. Thank you for your insight and knack for story telling. Most of all, thank you for reminding me that with struggle comes willpower. Your death pushed me to acknowledging willpower as a secret serum that kept the loved ones in the struggle around a little longer. Your death also gave me a chance to acknowledge that I have a bit of that secret serum, myself. Thank you for holding on to that serum for the time you did, and sharing your stories with us. You are appreciated.

    If you read this far and need someone to talk to, you can also google the help outlets and choose who you want to call. I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to do it. It doesn’t work like that. If you know me, you probably have my number, use that too if you want. A copy paste phone number isn’t going to convince you any more to remember willpower, which I urge you to remember. All these dead people had willpower. It’s just that they hit a real bad one. Try not to hit the bad one. Remember willpower, you’ve used it before. I have it and I know you have it too.

----------

But if you don't wanna google resources, here are some they sent to the entire office today. i usually align with their resources, they're decent people. 

suicidepreventionlifeline.org - Chat or call 1-800-273-8255, available 24/7

crisistextline.org - Text HOME to 741741 for 24/7 crisis support

seizetheawkward.org - Provides various resources such as tutorial videos, information on warning signs and conversation starters

[sweetnestor]

On Days Like This | Chapter 10

teamiplier + oc, romantic/angst/platonic

PREVIOUS FICS (if you’re new here then I suggest reading these first)

previous chapter

@bellasanti: I have found a song that has bested me…

Attached to the tweet was a clip of me singing “Love Me Or Leave Me” by Little Mix, particularly all the high notes towards the end of the song. My face was contorted as I tried to hit every one, and it was difficult. Not to toot my own horn, but I could usually sing risky songs like that with next to no problem, but with this song… my voice cracked several times.

Or maybe I couldn’t sing it because it made me feel really, unbearably guilty. But Dan knew the song on piano and when he started playing it, I couldn’t just tell him to stop! Then, Mark took my phone and started recording, so I was really in deep and couldn’t dig myself out.

I watched back the clip, shaking my head and cringing at myself as I walked around the stage. Mark and Dan were mindlessly playing tunes, waiting for me to join them again. I closed the Twitter app and went to my texts, opening up my conversation with Ethan. Nothing new, not even an indication that he was typing. Our silence gave me a lot of room to listen to music and clear my head. But all I could think of was how hard Ethan had cried yesterday, and all the things he said… how I treated him prior to all of that…

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I joined Mark and Dan once again. We continued rehearsing the acoustic set, or the one acapella song in our set.

Little Mix kept circling my head as we sang. I distinctly remembered watching a video of the group singing this particular song, The End, for the first time. When Perrie Edwards was in the middle of singing her solo (ironically, the same solo I took on), she burst into tears and couldn’t finish the song. Every time I listened to that song, that was what I thought of. I’m not saying that I had a meltdown while rehearsing or performing on stage, but god that moment resonated with me deeply.

I felt just like Perrie by the time my rehearsal was done. Although, I didn’t feel as crappy as I did yesterday, when I practically hid in the bathrooms in the hotel lobby, silently crying my eyes out until after midnight. By the time I had returned to my room, Ethan was gone, having spent the night in one of his friends’ rooms. I was glad there wasn’t a show yesterday, I wasn’t sure how either of us would have done it.

Today was different. The circumstances required me to remain civil and strong faced. Just, not right this second. I spent the last hour singing while remaining calm and collected. This hour was dedicated to letting my mascara run down my face. The next hour would be for holding myself together again.

The security guard walking me to the bus was decent enough to act like I wasn’t on the verge of tears. I silently thanked him as I climbed the steps onto the vehicle, and I nearly collided into someone coming off.

It was Tyler. My plan to wallow and feel sorry for myself alone was now ruined. I sidestepped past him to the couch, and he followed my trail.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, concerned.

I shook my head as I started to cry more. I hadn’t talked about my dumb issues with anyone on this tour, why start now? Tyler was patient and persistent, though.

“I know there’s a lot going on right now,” he told me. “Things are hectic, it’s overwhelming. You can talk about it, it’s okay.”

It was stuck in my throat. But I only had one hour, and I already used up ten minutes. How could I explain anything that I was feeling?

“W-We keep f-fighting!” I cried after a moment. “We’re just r-ripping our heads off!”

Tyler didn’t need to ask who I was talking about. “Fighting about what, if I may ask?”

I thought my boyfriend cheated and vice versa. He treats me like I’m broken, I treat him like he’s nothing. My body pushed out dead offspring and it’s fucking with our heads a lot more than we - or, I - would like to admit.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes. Here we go. “I-It started with the miscarriage…”

“Is that what happened when you went to the hospital?” Tyler asked after a moment of silence.

“You didn’t know?” That was a bit of a surprise, given all the attention I got when I returned from the hospital. I thought of all the people coddling me and shunting Ethan to the side, and then I felt guilty.

“No, well… when the paramedics took you away, Kathryn shielded everyone from your bunk,” he explained. “She and Amy cleaned up and made some calls to get you a new mattress. Mark suggested to just switch buses altogether, y’know, for your sake, but that couldn’t be done.”

My stomach turned, and my cheeks heated up. I wasn’t sure why Kathryn and Amy would go through that for me. I couldn’t imagine anyone here making a fuss like that, not even Ethan. Why would they?

“A couple of people asked what happened,” Tyler went on, “but Kathryn was a little shaken up after you left. And I don’t think she wanted to breach your privacy, because she didn’t tell. But most of us saw the bloodstains.”

“So everyone knows it was a miscarriage?” I asked nervously. I made a mental note to attempt to hug Kathryn later. “Because no one’s asked me.”

He hesitated, thinking about it. “There’s been some talk. Don’t take this the wrong way-”

“Oh no.”

“-but you’ve been kind of… ah, unapproachable since the hospital,” Tyler admitted. “I know, and so do Mark, Amy, Kathryn, and Ethan - we know you have to put on a front to deal with all of this. But, I think you’re trying so hard to be strong and unaffected by what happened that you just… look very intimidating in front of everyone else… and a little mean, too.”

Abort! Abort! Abort! Pack it up, boys, we’re going home! Let’s never show our face here again!

“Oh…” More tears welled up in my eyes.

“I understand that this is how you cope, but don’t shut out others when they want to help. You’re never going to be alone.”

He put his arm around me as I momentarily fell apart. I guess I didn’t really have to talk in order to open up. I just had to trust the person enough to be vulnerable around them. The only I people I trusted were Jack, who wasn’t here anymore, and Ethan, who didn’t want me here. But now I was crying on Tyler’s shoulder, because he conveniently caught me in a moment of need.

We pulled away from each other when the door to the bus opened. Someone must have been sent to drag us to the stage. I quickly wiped at my eyes and nose, only to look up and find Ethan entering the confined space.

His eyes were shiny with his own tears. However, he stopped in his tracks when he spotted me and Tyler on the couch. It looked like Ethan was trying to figure out what was happening just before he entered, and when he came to a conclusion, he turned on his heel and left.

“Wait!” Tyler called, then he nudged me. “Go after him!”

“I can’t,” I told him, despite how nervous it made me. “We agreed not to fight today.”

“So you’re just going to let him leave feeling like that? On top of everything else that’s going on?”

The guilt already sitting in my chest only struck harder. I looked at Tyler as if to say, “please don’t make me…” He stood his ground, though, so I took a quick look in the bathroom mirror and erased the mascara trail from under my eyes. Then, I sped off the bus.

I found him in the dressing room he shared with Dan, except Dan wasn’t there. The door was open, but I still knocked, seeing that Ethan was sitting at the vanity, typing on his phone.

“Hey,” he greeted, like he hadn’t been in tears a few minutes prior. He turned his head towards me, offering a smile.

Weirdly enough, it made me anxious. I fumbled on my words as I tried to explain what had happened on the bus, but Ethan stood up and stopped me.

“It’s okay,” he told me, offering his hand. “We’re not fighting today, remember?”

I stepped into the room as I took his hand. It was a little relieving that we hadn’t resorted to yelling and crying again. At the same time, the physical affection was just increasing my anxiety. What was the purpose for this? Was he just killing me with kindness?

Ethan’s gaze was a little much, too. Then again, I couldn’t really remember the last time I actually looked him in the eyes. I almost forgot how pretty they were…

Next thing I knew, he was pressing me up against the wall next to the door, which was still wide open. His hands tightly gripped my waist, and then he was kissing me full on the mouth. I was surprised, to say the least, but I couldn’t stop him. My hands found his shoulders, naturally pulling him in closer.

I wanted to blame lingering hormones on my sudden surge of lust, but it was Ethan keeping me trapped between him and the wall. He knew what I liked, and he was using it against me. He could get me to do whatever he wanted in this position. He had my bottom lip between his teeth, and he kept me in place with his body pressed up against mine.

The sound of a door closing down the hall pulled us apart. My breath was taken away as Ethan stepped away from me. Rationality was starting to return. Today was a non-fighting day, but we were still mad at each other, right?

“Why…?” I whispered, like I was still trying to come back to earth.

“I don’t remember the last time I kissed you,” he admitted, now a little timid. “And because I love you.”

“I lo-”

“No,” he said, much to my surprise. “You'd only be saying it because I kissed you. You can't say things when you're emotional. Isn't that what you told me?”

My cheeks grew even warmer. There were quite a few things Ethan failed to remember about us, like anniversaries, birthdays, and little things about me. I was not expecting him to remember that particular thing I told him many months ago. I could only stare at the ground, embarrassed and still blown away from the random kiss.

“I don't know what I did to make you stop loving me,” Ethan continued, “but we'll fight about that tomorrow, okay?”

Well, if I said it now, he would think it's because I'm obligated. My feelings of lust turned into heavy guilt. I watched Ethan leave without another word, feeling even worse.

The only person I texted that day was my sponsor.

______

next