#like oh FUCK I WASNT IN THE RIGHT HEADSPACE FOR THAT!!!!

[lovphobic]

(beating youtube with a bat) IM NORMAL IM NORMAL IM NORMAL IM NORMAL IM NOR.AL STOOOOOOOOOOP

[mumsie-bangin]

AFAB Alucard x GN Speaker reader

If you are a minor pls do not interact with my work. I dont tolerate any form of trans fetishization or idolization of unhealthy or prejudiced practices or beliefs.

Reader is taking the lead in this one , usage of magic and fingering

Alucard clawed at the bed sheets while his knees were threatening to give in. Subtle moans and sighs left his mouth as he was whimpering into the pillow beneath him.

"Does that feel good dear?" You leaned to ask him over his shoulder, pressing your chest against Alucards back .Your fingers were running circles around his clit, every now and then pushing two fingers in just to lubricate the sensitive bud.

"M-,Mhm" alucards face grew red as you pressed yourself against him. Vocalizing the more you flicked his nub. You were rubbing soothing circles into the flesh of his ass and chuckled into his ear,letting a chill run down his spine "Oh dear, you look so pretty like this . "

He wasnt used to this, actually he wasnt used to physical touch at all. The fact that he trusts you so much already is such a big step, youve done it so many times but whenever you take the lead he completely shifts headspace wise.

Its so difficult for him to keep his composure when youre edging and teasing him like this.

Running your nails teasingly down his sides , you lean back and look over his beautiful form. Panting,sweating. Though you cant see his face, his hair is tucked to the side and dischevelled. Its unusual to see him like this

Your long nails run down his inner thigh and you watch as he whimpers and flinches at your touch. "Dear, can i try something?"

Before you even have the chance to finish the sentence he whimpers, "Please" "Anything, do anything."

You chuckle and start peppering him with kisses from his shoulders to his lower back. "Can you turn around for me?"

He does as asked and props himself against the soft pillows of the bed frame, breath still slightly strained . God, hes beautiful like this. You've teased him for an hour now and he looks absolutely fucked out. You run your hands up and down his thighs in a soothing motion, teasingly getting closer to his pussy every time. "Y/N i hate you right now"

He bucks his hips and groans as you flick his nub,making you let out a hearty laugh. Finally you decide to stop messing with him ,

"I'll reward you then," your hands find his and gently lift them above his head. "Remember the word?"

He nods and fights himself from bucking his hips further. The fact that youre looming over him and still so lovingly caring has him wanting you to fuck him brainless. To which , for his benefit, you oblige.

You cast a binding spell and his hands hover in the air as though a rope had tied them. You drag your nails down his torso and he flinches at the teasingly ticklish sensation, you place his legs onto your shoulders. Breathing onto his cunt ,leaving him trembling. "ah- Y/N" your mouth finds his sensitive bud and you suck hard.

Almost a shriek leaves him as he writhes beneath you. Moans leave him and he bucks his hips into your mouth

"a-AH" Sucking and swirling your tongue against his clit has him seeing stars

"Y-Y/N,slow dow- AH" slurping and whimpering fill the room as you start prodding your tongue into him. Eating out your lover as if you had been starven for decades. "Youre divine" you let out through muffled slurping, indulging in the salty flavor of your lover.

Alucards moans get louder the deeper you push your tongue into him , filling him up completely as your tongue writhes inside him . Was it always this long?

He bucks his hips into your face and his legs press into either side of your head. Juices cover your face as he bucks his back , one last high pitched moan echoing in the room as he cums.

Alucard is a panting mess. His eyes shoot open as you start sucking at his clit again ,

"W-wait, Y/N ,please a-AH" he cries, tugging at his restraints and bucking his hips away. You glance at him, attentively listening for the word if he were to want to make it stop. Last thing you want is for him to not want this

He doesent use the word though, and cries fat tears as his moans fill the room again. You smile against him and groan while shoving your tongue into him, groaning as he tightens around it. The vibration makes him shudder and his toes curl as his hips buck off the bed . Alucard sobs ,not noticing the spell you cast.

What seems to be purple magic shapes itself into hands, hands that resemble yours. Floating into position

One gently holding Alucard by the back of his head, supporting and soothing him as it rubs circles into his temple.

He almost loses it while watching you stare at him from beneath him, as the other hands run up and down his sides,occasionally brushing his nipples. He can feel his second orgasm coming.

The hands pinch his sensitive buds and you order the last two remaining hands to take your position. One scissoring him open and the other running circles over his clit .

The sounds leaving his mouth are whorish , saying youre turned on would be such a massive understatement.

You feel the sensation of pure arousal in your stomach as you watch the man beneath you writhing and moaning. You lean in to kiss him, tongue lapping with his. He moans into your mouth and he cries one last time as the hands scissor him open and the other presses harder into his clit.

You order the hands to halt.With one wave of your hand, the bindings and magical grabbers disappear.

You quickly support alucards head and pull his body close to you. His chest heaving as his mind is fogged. After a comfortable silence ,with nothing but his panting, you kiss his forhead.

"How are you feeling , dear?"

He smiles , while still looking fucked out of his mind,

"Amazing"

[evilneo]

Mal, you have quite the name hoard! If you don't mind me asking, how did you find them? Do you have any tips or sources for other people trying to figure out their own names?

my name list if anyones wondering! :)

RIGHT SO. i have an easier time getting attached to names that arent traditionally names, yknow? like phrases from songs, concepts etc. also character names. my top tip is if something resonates with you, whether it be a phrase or a song, look for something you can call yourself. you can name yourself an entire phrase if you want fuck it we ball ! also if you think MY name hoard is impressive you should see some of my friends and partners <3 one of them has 80+ names and its SO SWAGFUL (HI BINGO! SHOUT OUT!)

how I found my names:

Neo: the funny guy! his autism resonated with me. i wanted to feel as free to express myself as they do :)

Artificial Intelligence: in headspace, I'm a robot alter and i thought id be funny :) what solidified it as My Name was one of my friends said that i could shorten it to Artie and itd be cute so i do <3 AIs resonate with me anyway bc of like. autism and my schizo-spec swag :p

Evil + Antagonist + Malice + Vice: all of these names mean like. the same thing. The Evil.... I was having a rough time with it at the time of picking these names and thats how i coped 👍 and im still like. really attached to them :3c

Malware: mashup of the above 2 reasons ALSO an autism moment. I love you y2kvr <3

Spam: i will be real with you. Smapton. our autism and psychosis icon <3

Video: OOOOHHHH YEAH BABY. THE SONG! I have a lot of personal attachments to the song Video Killed The Radio Star and like. its a good fucking song.... i need more song names TBH

honourary mentions of names i dont use anymore n why:

Gordon: OH YEA BABY! AUTISM! started using it bc i do have an attachment to the guy. stopped using it bc theres 11 Gordon Freeman fictives in my system and most of them still use it as a name to SOME extent. also i know 1000000 Gordon fictives.... it got too confusing KSGSJSKSK

Tommy: similar reasons to Gordon except it wasnt in my system JSSJSK

Moth: this was like my second chosen name and ppl irl still call me this JSBSHSVSHSVSJS i picked this bc i thought it was kinda cool and also i wanted a 4 letter long name. sorry for being a hs fan when i was 14 </3

Ash: FIRST CHOSEN NAME when i was like 11 AOAUG. named myself this to match an ex FP/boyfriend. DONT DO THIS 👍 BAD IDEA!

[breathplayed]

69 and 76 for the ask game. take care!

THANK u lovely u too!!!! also Heh heh sixty nine

(69) how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel? oh jesus yeah. i actually like. this is embarrassing idk but when i write i kinda do Method Acting. i imagine the course of the character's story and how it's made them feel and shaped them, and i immerse myself completely in how i think their mental state feels like im trying on their persona, it's literally like i am roleplaying/LARPing them in my head, i try to pretend im them and how they are feeling and experiencing everything. no matter what emotion i write, if its sad or angry or scared or whatever !! i usually write in long multiple hour stretches bc i have worked myself into that characters headspace and i gotta keep going while im there

in some ways it helps because im like... not wondering how they're feeling, i Am feeling it . im pretending to be the character and even making expressions and shit (fun fact i took acting lessons and did theater for like 3 years in my early teens so it probably comes from there. bc i Remember them telling us to make urself BE the character and feel what they're feeling to understand and play them. lol) but it also hurts sometimes, i took a hiatus from tlg for a lot of reasons but one of them was that ch17 was So Fucking Hard to write. tlg!jimin's head is a Lot to be in and i felt overwhelmed, i wasnt sure i could tackle trying to like.... translate the horror/emotion of the grief of Faking Ur Death that vmin feel down into written word well enough. i was already really intimidated wondering how i could pull that off, and i wasnt ever like "oooh yeah i want to go work on that right now" bc it meant having to Be in that headspace lol. i only write tlg (or really anything super angsty) when i get inspired to imagine their feelings from like, daydreaming while driving listening to the playlist. me writing something emotional means i have to make myself feel that emotion so sometimes when i am in a rly good mood im like yeah.... writing isnt happening today, the Emotions wont go onto the page, sorry everypony

(76) what is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? LOVE villains i smiled seeing this one again i love that u wanted to know this. answered it here!

[perce]

pretty sure i blacked out for the entirety of 2017

[tumblebee-the-smol-bean]

Oh! What about a classification universe where everyone takes a test and gets their classification (little,neutral, caregiver). Everyone gets what was expected (Virge and Ro little and Pat, Lo, and Janus are caregivers). Everyone expects Remus to get neutral but he gets little. He tries to hide it for a bit until Logan walks in and finds out! (Maybe Pat could be Virgil's cg and Janus could be Roman's? What ever works for you!) Thank you!

Warning: there be a few cuss words here babies.

Remus fiddled with the corners of the envelope he held between his fingers. The friend group had all taken the tests together so they could find out their classifications at the same time. And now here they were, all sitting around in Patton's living room.

He wasn't nervous of course. He knew what everyone including himself would get. Patton was literally the dad friend so of course he would be a caregiver, and if Patton was the dad friend, Logan was the stricter, more cautious mom friend. Then there was Janus who was also a mom friend, but a little more relaxed. He would bet money that Virgil and his brother were littles. Vee already exemplified basically all of the traits and he and Patton pretty much already had a caregiver, regressor relationship going as it was. Then of course Roman was just childish and creative. But Remus? Remus was all crude jokes, chaotic energy and innuendo. He would not be a good caretaker and definitely not a regressor. So he was okay with being the only neutral in the group and told them all as much.

"Now kiddo, we havent even opened our envelopes yet! We dont know what any of us are going to be. Don't make assumptions."

Patton wagged a finger at him playfully.

Logan straightened his glasses. "Actually the true answer lies between both of your responses. While we technically dont know what our results are yet we can make an educated guess based on the traits we exemplify and how likely it is for us to be sorted into each category baised off our traits."

"Ugh! Let's just do it already! I'm tired of waiting!" Roman said exasperated before practically ripping into his. He beamed at the results. "We were right! 'Regressor: 4 to 7 headspace!" He cheered. Janus rolled his eyes with a smile. "Now that one was obvious." There are cheers and congratulations from around the circle and they move on to the next person. Janus is of course a caregiver, as are Logan and Patton. When the circle reaches Virgil he shrinks in on himself and fidgets with his envelope, looking at it like it might come to life and bite him.

"Here kiddo," Patton offered, holding out his hand "would you like me to read it?" Verge nodded and handed it to Patton, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down.

Patton carefully opens the envelope and scans the contents before breaking out in a smile. "Regressor: 1 to 4 headspace!"

He immediately pulls Virgil in for a hug, likely to comfort him and quell any panic that might be arising as everyone else congratulates him. Virgil of course latches on like a sea monkey and rests his head on Pattons shoulder with a small smile, giggling as the dad friend whispers some joke in his ear, almost assuredly a pun.

Finally only Remus is left. With all eyes on him he smirks and tears open his envelope, ripping out the paper only to stop dead at what he sees in print. He only has a few seconds to think quickly, keep his poker face and turn it into a smile as he tucks his paper back in the envelope.

"Well no fucking surprise here! Nuetral!" Patton reprimands his language but they all smile and clap for him, although Janus looks at him a tad suspiciously.

"Well we should all probably get home. It is getting rather late." Janus commented.

Roman gets a ride with him and Virgil decides to sleep over at Patton's place. That left Logan and Remus.

"Do you require a ride home Remus?" Logan asked.

"Nope! Just gonna shove a broomstick up my butt and fly home on it like a witch!"

Logan looked unimpressed.

"...yeah I could use a ride."

"Well alright then." Logan smiled and grabed his keys. The two waved to Patton and Virgil before heading out the door. They got in the car and Logan double checked to make sure Remus had his seatbelt buckled. He hadn't forgotten the time he almost flew through the windshield and got glass in his forehead because 'seatbelts just take all the excitement out of driving'

Remus rolled his eyes but complied and satisfied Logan began the drive to Remus's house, playing some nerdy music on the car audio.

Remus didnt look at Logan the whole drive. He just stared out the window and felt his stomach turn as he recalled the actual contents of his results.

A regressor. But he couldn't be! It had to be wrong! Roman was the childish one with his disney and cartoons. Remus was...punk, feral, deranged some might even say...he was the furthest thing from a kid.

A few minutes later his thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing and he sighed. It was Roman telling him that Janus had agreed to try out being his caregiver and he was going to spend a few days at his house instead. He was going to have a few very lonely days ahead of him. But that might be for the best as he has to process everything.

Before he even realized it Logan was pulling up to his house. He thanked him devoid of his usual energy and walked inside. Missing the concerned look Logan threw his way.

The first thing he did was hide his letter under his mattress and then he stared at the ceiling, trying to figure out how this could have happened.

He came to the conclusion that he wasnt a regressor. The tests were wrong. Or at least he wasnt going to be. He was Remus for satans sake and he intended to stay that way. And if he ever started to feel SMALL. Well then he would just ignore it until it went away. That shouldn't be too hard right?

Wrong. It had been three weeks since they all got their classification and Remus felt like absolute shit.

Both Roman and Virgil had regressed a few times and were settling in with their caregivers. They seemed...happy. but Remus? He was just tired. Every once in a while (especially when things seemed to get ovewhelming) he would feel his head start to go fuzzy and he would begin to feel an odd sense of calm and a sinking feeling. However he was always able to push it down and shake it off before continuing on with his day like it hadn't happened. The only problem was it seemed to be increasing in frequency. It had gone from happening a few times a week to a few times a day and truth be told he was starting to get overwhelmed.

Then it happened. The worst episode hit him while they were all hanging out at his house. The others were having some sort of conversation but he couldn't focus on what they were saying. Too busy trying to get rid of it. It wasnt working though. He subconsciously leaned into the nearest person to him for comfort, which happened to be Logan. He raised an eyebrow at this as Remus was generally not one for physical affection. He wraps an arm around his waist anyways. If Remus needed him he would oblige. "Are you quite alright Remus?" He asked causing Remus to jump and realize what he had been doing. He had to get out of there. Now.

"Mhm! Yuppers, fit as a fiddle...I'm gonna go lay down. Bye!"

And with that he scampered off to his room. Curling up in his blankets he took his envelope out from under his mattress and glared at it as if that would somehow magically change the results. But of course it didn't. All of a sudden his emotions were alot harder to suppress and he was just so confused and upset and angry all at once. He felt something warm on his face and realized he was crying which made him cry harder, he stuffed a blanket covered fist in his mouth to try and muffle the sounds and hugged a pillow close to his chest.

There was a knocking at the door then. "Remus? Are you quite alright? You left rather suddenly and I thought it best to check on you." Logans voice drifted in from outside his door and part of Remus wanted to open it and launch himself into his arms and just stay there, cuddled up while Logan comforted him. But he didn't. He wasnt a baby, he could deal with this on his own.

When no answer came Logan tried to knob and the door creaked open. Remus cursed himself silently for not locking it.

Upon seeing remus curled on the bed, teartracks down his face and obviously upset, logan rushed over and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Remus? What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

That's when his eyes caught on the envelope on his bed and he picked it up. Remus emmiting a high pitched whine when he did.

Logan looked confused for all of a second before he put the pieces together.

"...you arent actually a neutral, are you?"

He shook his head sadly and Logan sighed, sitting on the bed with him.

"Remus, you didnt have to hide this. We're all here to support you." He rested a hand on his shoulder again and Remus leaned into the touch, giving Logan an idea.

"Remus, may I hold you?"

He practically jumped at the offer and noded vigorously. That's all he wanted right now.

Logan smiled softly and crawls on the bed, leaning up on the headboard and pulling Remus against his chest, where he instantly relaxed. He hummed softly to him and rested a hand on his back.

"May I see your results?" He asked and Remus nodded slowly. He trusted Logan.

Logan nodded and pressed a kiss to the top of Remus's head as he opened up the envelope and took a look at the contents inside.

Regressor: 3 to 7 headspace.

Logan nodded to himself and slipped it back in the envelope.

"Thank you for letting me see that Remus, can you tell me how old you are right now?"

"M seventeen." He mumbled and Logan sighed, changing tactics.

"How many times have you regressed in the last three weeks?"

There's a long pause and Remus shifts awkwardly against him.

"Remus?"

"....none." he whispered. He knew it wasn't good to suppress regression but he had done it anyways.

Logan pursed his lips, but honestly he had expected this.

"Come on love," he coaxedRemus out of the bed. "We're going to get you out of the house so you can regress without being around everyone. Is that alright with you?"

He noded and followed Logan. They left with some excuse about running an errand and get in Logan's car. He made sure Remus was buckled and started the engine.

"Where we goin?" Remus asked curiously.

"The store." Logan responded. "I assume you dont have any supplies?"

Remus blushed and nodded his head. No use buying little gear if you told yourself you weren't going to regress.

They pulled into the parking lot of a store for that purpose a few minutes later and Logan took his hand as they walked through the parking lot which only served to make him feel smaller and push him further into regression.

When they entered the store Logan took him down a few aisles, stopping when they reached the toys.

"Okay, you may pick out two toys, I'm going to go and get you a few more things. Stay there alright?"

Remus nodded, in awe of all the options the toy isle held. While Logan was off shopping he picked out a nerf gun and an octopus plushie, running up to the cart excitedly to drop them in when Logan returned.

He smiled. "Did you find something you liked little cephalopod?" This caused Remus to nod and giggle happily and Logan chuckled back in response. He had filled the cart with other supplies. Sippy cups, pacifiers, a couple of snacks and small foods as well as some assorted juice boxes.

Remus looked at them all in excitment. And Logan led him through the checkout. Buckling him back up in the car with his octopus, the rest of the bags in the back.

Remus swung his legs happily in the passenger seat while he clutched his new stuffie. Gaining a small smile from Logan.

"Are you alright if we go back to my apartment cephy?"

Remus nodded happily and they made their way to where Logan lived. He was the oldest and so he lived on his own in an apartment just off his college campus.

He quickly unloaded all the groceries and picked Remus up, carrying him inside much to his delight.

The two spent the rest of the day together. Remus ate dinosaurs nuggets and ketchup for dinner which he used to create a whole mess that Logan rolled his eyes fondly at but cleaned up. Then they watched cartoons and snuggled together and Logan watched as he used a new coloring book. Praising every drawing even if they were slightly... unorthodox. Eventually Logan announced that it was bedtime for little boys and while Remus pouted when he was set down on the soft bed he couldn't help but look at Logan like he put all the stars in the sky and he gathered up the courage to ask him his question.

"Lolo?"

"Yes Chephy?"

"Will you be my caregiver?"

"I would be delighted to."

The day ended perfectly for both of them, cuddling on the bed until they fell asleep.

[emmerrr]

thank you for your interesting thoughts in one of the aske you received. youre so well-spoken! i feel my mind is a bit clearer about the book now lol. i also feel that ronan will most definitely see that bryde is willing to do whatever it takes and ronan has morals and firm beliefs and he won’t cross those. rn bryde needs ronan bc he can manipulate him so well. thats part of ronans growing process too bc he needs to be independent, while still having people to connect to with his dreaming and also getting rid of his insecurities that he brings bad things to the people he loves and they’re all better off without him.

btw adam wasnt in on the plan right? i was confused at fitst. yes he told declan all those things but i dont think he helped create the plan. i wonder how ronan knew that adam was doing his homework on the mods tho? and the „oh“ to me meant adam was a bit surprised that ronan was in boston - since he asked „you’re in boston?!“ and he was a bit disappointed that ronan himself didnt want to come see him it appears, but him AND BRYDE. but ronan thought it meant adam realised that the question about him being in boston was stupid bc ofc he was here bc of the plan. and then he rejected bryde so obviously ronan feels rejected, too, and as if adam is against him. even the fact that he thought adam didnt reply on purpose and couldn’t come up with his own answer (he was busy, he had to work, .. ) and that logically he COULDNT have reached him since ronan ditched his phone. and ronan expecting adam declan … to join them like boi they dont know where you are, they have their own lives too, they cant just drop everything and go. anyway. i hope they will meet in dream space and ronan helps him out of it or whatever since rn adam is getting lost it seems. they need to TALK. the last book needs to be 500 pages longer than the first two bc there’s so much to address. i thought the 2nd book was kinda short anyway.

i think you're referring to this ask? so thank you very much, i'm glad you found it useful! (btw, anything i say in any of these ask responses is just how i see it personally and at the time, and often i miss out a bunch of stuff for simplification reasons or because i forgot)

i think that ronan's morals and beliefs are not that firm at the moment tbh, he's slipping and he's slipping fast, but like i said in that other ask i think he'll reach a tipping point, perhaps after a period of bryde-related doubts setting in. i genuinely have no idea how that's all going to go down.

i'm answering this without going back to the book and checking any details (i'm not ready to revisit it yet), but from what i remember, there's nothing that says adam was explicitly in on the plan declan sets in motion to try and get rid of bryde. he offered declan the information he'd uncovered and declan took it from there. maybe declan let him know, maybe he didn't, i'm not sure. but the timing of this phonecall ronan makes to adam is crucial. he's already been 'betrayed' by declan, and calling adam up and asking if him and bryde can lay low really seems like a test, and it's a test adam doesn't pass. it almost doesn't matter what adam's sad "oh" means in the end, because ronan's already decided what it means. there's no discussion, no waiting for any explanations. and really, adam doesn't owe ronan any explanations here. ronan's the one who cut off contact in the end; his excuse of adam not texting back wears pretty thin when you know ronan's been capable of contacting him the whole time and hasn't, and also that he's been keeping adam out from contacting him in dreamspace or however the fuck that works.

it does feel like ronan's now in this headspace of 'if you're not with me then you're against me' which is like, monumentally unfair and super dangerous. there is so much character work left to do in the last book now that i'm not sure how satisfactorily it's all going to be done. but i do have faith that they will start to communicate at some point and i guess we'll see how it goes!

[holographic-trashcan]

winterspider where flash's bullying really got to peter ( flash was calling him names and like talking shit about his relationship with bucky ) so peter comes home and is just super clingy to bucky. like hes following him around everywhere and keeps trying get bucky to just hold him.

( Oh! Specific! I hope i do it justice!!

( Winterspider | no timeline yet again what else is new )

( this got a little angstier than intended, anon, let me know if you want a fluffier version of your prompt

-

To say that Peters had a shit day would be a bit of an understatement. First, Bucky had been gone when he’d woken up and Peter had been running behind so he didnt get breakfast, and he was feeling awful. His body needed calories or he was exhausted and moody.

Then he’d dropped his coffee and found out he’d done the wrong homework and then Ned was home sick. MJ wasnt talking to him for some reason or another, and then Flash.

Just...Flash. He was so angry that Peter actually knew Tony Stark. He teased him constantly, made fun of him at every turn. He even insulted Peters relationship, how nice it must be to so convienent a fuck that even the Winter Soldier wanted a piece of him.

Peter just lets it happen, people talk shit about him all the time, and ever since they’d slipped up, been caught kissing in the park, everyone knew and it was just...a shit show.

But they’d persevered.

It was raining and Peter didnt care, just trudged home. He was supposed to patrol, but he wanted to see Bucky first.

Except Bucky still wasnt home. Last minute mission. It was another horrible thing on top of a horrible day. He just went out on patrol, after sending an ‘ilu’ and some emojis to Bucky.

No answer but that could happen on missions.

Bucky is actualy home when Peter gets back, and Peter wishes he could say he was mature, but he honestly just follows the other around like a puppy all evening. Buckys not in the best of moods, after a rough mission, but he just watches Peter.

“Can i hug you?” Peter asks, finally, in the chair by the couch and Bucky makes a face. He’s not in a good headspace, and he shakes his head. He cant handle the touch right now. Peter flinches, just a little. “Right. Right. Sorry.”

Just what exactly is going on?? Bucky has no idea.

Peter stays that way the rest of the night. As close as he can get without touching. As night falls, he slumps a little, and then shuffles up and off to sleep in the guest room. Mission nights, he doesnt ever sleep with Bucky, its not safe with the nightmares. He gets in bed and curls up in a little ball, and does his best to muffle the quiet sobbing once it finally breaks free.

The next day is awful. He doesnt want to wake Bucky, he needs all the sleep he can get, so he just heads out. He doesnt even bother with coffee. And Flash is right there. In his face again. And Peter is trying to ignore him but-

“-just what makes you think he wants you anyway, you’re not worth any of that, he could have anyone, why would he want some scrawny good for nothing nobody.”

And its not anything different than what Flash has been saying for days. Weeks. But something about it today breaks some fragile inside of him open, and he just turns to look at Flash, who stops talking at the desolated look on Peters face. Sure, he enjoyed being an asshole, but there was something unnerving about the look the other hand.

“.....He probably doesn’t really.” Peter said quietly, before he turns and gathers up his books. He pauses. “....I guess you win, Flash.” He said softly, before he leaves and Flash feels almost panicked. What the actual fuck was that?

Peter leaves without warning or permission. He just wants to go home. Hes letting this get him all messed up, and he feels so fragile. He goes home, and Bucky is there, making coffee, and Peter so badly wants to hug him, but Buckys hands are shaking and so Peter just continues to his room.

Flash is right - what does he offer Bucky? He’s just in the way.

But he loves him, and that is what keeps him coming back, he supposes. Even if Bucky doesnt feel the same way, and Peter is just setting himself up for heart break. He wants whatever he can, and he’ll deal with the consequences later.

For now, he just moves, sits in the chair by Bucky’s spot on the couch, and stays quiet. Its better than nothing, even if he’s bleeding from the soul for a hug or a kiss. Sometimes it takes days before Bucky feels normal again. Peter wont rush him. 

He’ll just be here, waiting for Bucky. Like he always will.

[breathingwithdifficulty]

aw fuck this man. maybe i should take up my therapist’s offer of being put on meds. going through this blog is only a good idea when im in a good headspace (so that i can look back and be like, wow, im better now :) ) but im not right now so all its doing is showing me that ive been feeling the same fucking way for years and while its gotten better it always gets worse again. so like. what the fuck? but my dad will disapprove if im put on meds. not that i really care, but the idea also kinda makes me nervous. its funny that he doesnt understand why she suggested meds tho lmao.

i hate talking to him about mental illness because he just doesn’t fucken get it. told him i was depressed and i was having a mental breakdown at the time and he was just like “well ur happy sometimes i see u laugh”. like.. yes. alright, nevermind bud, just ignore whatever im saying. it clearly doesnt matter. 

i tell him about my social anxiety (literally making my hands shake in public, avoiding social situations due to anxiety, near-panic attacks, etc) and hes like “oh u need to get out there more this nervousness is good for u it means that ur getting out of ur comfort zone” like no sir it means i have an anxiety disorder!!

i feel like sometimes he forgets that him and my mom literally prevented me from getting the professional help i needed for over a year!! like maybe it wasnt a big deal to him (ive brought it up to him recently and he didnt seem to remember it) but it was to me!! im in therapy now, so that means its fine right? nope. my own parents saw me scream and sob and refused to let me get help. nah man, thats not something u get over. 

not to mention my mom knew i was depressed and suicidal for months before i brought it up because she found a secret account of mine. like. u knew, u didnt say anything, and then I TOLD U, and u still didnt help me? i was like 13 man. i was having a rough time. i still am but at least now i have no expectations as to how you guys will care for me. i know the truth, so i stay quiet.

god, just thinking about this. how am i supposed to overcome problems that were never addressed? its been so long now that its just brushed under the rug and its like “oh yeah well that was forever ago” yes and u still havent show that u care any more now than u did then!!

my father has 2 mentally ill daughters who have both been diagnosed with mutliple mental disorders, have been suicidal, and have self-harmed, and he still doesn’t know a single thing about depression even. like what the fuck? depressed people can be happy sometimes bro u would think that u would have done the SLIGHTEST bit of research after finding out both ur kids are sick in the head but NO i guess not

god

2:11 am

8/12/21

[little-owly]

also because I can't get this out of my head~ just imagine how ma//rk would react if ja//ck ever got hurt or scared by someone. He would be soooooo protective and give his baby boy so many hugs and promise him that everything is alright, while also secretly wanting to murder whoever hurt his baby in the first place!!

OH GOSH THATS CUTEEE AND THIS IS AN UNEDITED MESS BC I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE FIRST HALF OF THIS IM SORRRRYYY LITTLE JACK ANONmark and jack heading to the park one day. jack excitedly babbling about all the cool things they can do, like catch and hide and seek and the playground!! mark smiles as he dresses his baby boy up in a plain blue hoodie, black jeans, red sneakers, and a plain grey shirt. nothing too out of the ordinary -- you couldn't tell if he was little or diapered unless you directly asked him. that's how mark would like to keep it -- he know how...awkward it would be if anyone found out. jack packs his backpack with snacks and his plushie sammy -- while mark packs in jack's diaper changing supplies. the two giggling in the car before the park, singing along to a disney soundtrack. the two park and hold hands as mark picks a shady picnic table to sit under. smiling as he sets his baby boy's backpack down, "now jackie. you know the rules?""um...um..."he smiles, "no running around the sidewalks. no jumping off the benches. and no playing on the playground unless everyone's gone.""otay!! i 'member!!" jack smiles and runs down the grass to the swing set. giggling, mark checking his phone. the playground was empty -- kids playing at the basketball courts on the other side of the park. a mother on the phone as she pushes her stroller. a man playing fetch with his dog. a couple jogging. none of them paying any mind to jack as he takes his seat on the swing set. the bright red color of the swing contrasting with his blue and black outfit. jack pushes himself quickly on the swing. already excited as he goes higher and higher. giggling as he feels the wind blow his green bangs out of his face. absentmindedly pushing his thumb into his mouth and sucking as he waves over in mark's direction. enjoying the soft safe headspace he's in. playful and carefree -- paying no mind to the adults nearby. and thankfully, none of them paying mind to him.or so he thought. a man smoking a cigarette facing jack from behind. holding the chain of his swing -- stopping him. "why the fuck is a grown ass man like you on the playground for kiddies?" jack stops, thumb still in his mouth. blood running cold as he whimpers, trying to swing again. "answer me. you some sicko who hangs around kiddie places? kidnapper?"jack shakes his head. fearful and tearing up, he pulls his thumb out his mouth and starts to walk towards mark. he needed his daddy. he needed protection. he just needed mark more than ever. the man grabs jack without any warning -- tugging him by his blue hoodie. jack yelping out as he tries to escape. the man snickering, "what? are you a pervert hanging around fucking places like these? probably planning on taking a little gal or boy, perverted freak." "p-please," jack cries. the man turning jack around. the couple from before slowing down as they watch, confused and on alert. so imagine their surprise when the man takes a swing at jack, jack falling down onto the sand of the playground. terrified and alone, screaming out for mark, for help, even for sammy. "you're a fucking freak--" the man yells, "a p//ed//o looking for a kid! why else would you be here?" he laughs as he kicks jack's legs, who was scrambling away. the couple intervene before mark comes rushing in. blood boiling as he helps jack up. the man shouting curses and insults towards jack. "the fuck is you? his helper? you probably drive the getaway car after kidnapping a kid--" the man falls over as mark kicks him hard in the groin. the couple helping jack stand up as mark takes him from them. "wait! don't you want to call the cops?!" the girlfriend shouts at mark, "he's really hurt!""i'm driving him to the hospital! i'm so sorry!" is all mark can get out before carrying jack back to the car. hastily picking up their bag and setting his baby boy in the front seat, comforting him as best he can. driving them away from the park as he curses the man. seeing him still down on the ground as the couple presumably calls the police. he hugs jack across the console and holds back his own tears, "its gonna be alright, jackie. daddy's gonna make it all go away. daddy's not gonna let anyone touch you ever again. you're gonna be alright."///"d-daddy..." jack sobs, shaking as he clings to mark hours later in their bedroom. still shaken up and terrified, "m-mean man hurted m-m-me...""i know jackie, i know. he had no right to say or do those things to you. im so sorry i wasnt there to help you." mark hugs him back. his anger replaced with guilt. why would he leave him alone? why would he leave him at his most vulnerable? and why would some asshole ruin it for them?"c-cheek hurty, daddy, why it purple?"mark sighs, "its going to hurt for a while, jackie. the doctor patched it up as best he could. its a matter of healing, okay? daddy can give you the medicine to help it stop aching."jack nods, nuzzling into mark's neck. stomach twisting as he remembers the harsh lights of the emergency room. the nurses and doctors poking at him, and of course mark crying as he yelled about how badly it hurt. how he wanted to just go home. and now, here they were. back in each others arms."daddy?""yeah, baby boy?""...i love you, im sowwy for today.""oh, baby boy. you don't have to be sorry for everything. the world's a big and scary place. but you know what, its also full of nice people and happiness -- like you and me and your friends," mark giggles as chica jumps up on their bed, "and even chica."jack giggles as he pets her, "i sawed you cry and didnt wike it...im gon' get better for you, pwomise, daddy."mark kisses jack's untouched cheek and smiles, "maybe when you're all better we can go to a different park. and daddy will be right there to push you as high as you can go on the swings."jack perks up, "weally?! even to tha moon?!"with a soft giggle, mark nods, "even to the moon and stars.

[minecraftgender]

current list of all alters

oh lord here we go: Luna: Hello! Im Luna! Normally I talk with a semicolon (;) before what I say. I'm 37 years old (my birthday is April 8) and I've really been around for about four years. I formed in the summer of 2014. I pretended to be an imaginary friend for the longest time up until late February. I'm the mother of our system along with a few others. I really don't have much to say about myself other than that. Oh also I'm pregnant and due in October. Jason: hey im jason im a protector or some shit. idk i like popcorn and homestuck. im 17 i guess my birthday is december 6 because im a fucking homestuck. i formed in late february by being an asshole and yelling at jade because he hates himself. im married to john egbert. woo. oh and addie (theyll be mentioned a lot) is my moirail. i type with a comma (,) before i say anything Lily: HI IM LILY!!!!! im 11 so shut the fuck up!!!!!! i can move up ages if i want. i formed in early march i think but i dont remember exactly when. i like cake and cats and jade and i wanna be just like him!! sometimes i draw!!! oh and my birthday is july 20 just like jade!!!!! im gonna be 12 soon!!!!!!!!! jades best friend addie is my mama and luna is my mom and other people are more moms!!L i have a lot of moms!!!!!!! I TYPE WITH A CLOSING PARENTHISIS LIKE THIS ) Jake: hi im jake. im 14. ill be 15 next march 18th, which is the day i formed. i think i have autism and my special interest is dogs. jades best friend addie is my mom too. i like the color purple, slime and rivers. i have 25 dogs. i really dont know what else to say about myself. i use an equal sign before i say stuff (=). im one of the tallest people in the system because im 6'4" tall. Ruby: hey im ruby im jades old imaginary friend. im 17, ill be 18 on halloween. i just kina appeared in here, its cool. i like minecraft and my little pony. idk im kinda just here and i sleep a lot and i use a question mark (?) Grey: hi there im Grey. i dont really do much in here, just play board games with aradia. i can also tell the future somewhat. really only if it pertains to jade. im 15 and i dont have a birthday since i dont really care about it. i type with an underscore (_). im really not that interesting. uhhhhh i got vored once and it wasnt fun. Emily: we really dont know much about her since she sleeps a lot. we do know that shes 20 years old. she only ever wakes up if im highly anxious. we think shes a survial alter if the rest of us are gone shell be there. shes super sweet tho. Becquerel: Hello, I'm Becquerel, yes the dog from Homestuck. I dont really do much except cuddle with those that want it and protect everyone. I have my old powers, so I can teleport our headspace out of technical existence and such. And still fetch bullets hehe. I was pulled out of a successful timeline though I don't think it was the alpha one. I use a carat (^) to type. I was given a collar that allows me to speak. I like it a lot! [you know, like Up] Rose: Hello, I'm Rose Lalonde-Maryam. I tend to not care about capitalization anymore, I have completely given up on it with this damned device. I'm married to and having a child with Kanaya. She and I are both dating the host Jade. I'm the other mother of this system. I also deal with children when the body has to. I and the others are 22 this year. I have vague memories of the game and all that but Jade needs to hurry up and finish the comic so I can remember the rest. I type using the rose emoji (🌹). John: hey! its your local tricky boy john egbert! i got tossed in here from the same timeline as rose and the others. i am just regular old john! i hang out in here and fight if i need to. i married jason a fee months ago. i type with a hammer emoji (🔨) Dave: its ya boi. anyway im the local fucking rap god. fergalicious, my neck my back, and deepthroat are my theme songs. im dating karkat, hes cute as fuck. i man the tunes in here [he plays fergalicious on repeat]. its lit fuckers. anyway i type with the sunglasses emoji (🕶) that doesnt show up on android. peace. Jade: hi im jade!!!! i used to be jadesprite but i was sad soooooo i got changed to normal dog tier me! i come from a tl where i still have bec powers after i finish the game too which is cool!!! i hang out with Bec and garden by the river! i type with a dog emoji before my sentences (🐶)!!! Roxy: heeeeeyyy its rosxy. i give up on soelling snd shit so yeah. i give out food if u ask and i pretend 2 b a wizurd sometimez. its fun in hrre i can fo nothing all fay. obvs i still drink (i give u some if u ask nice). i thpe with a glass (🍸) n shit. s fun. i dont remember rly anything from my tl. Jane: Hey! I just formed so I dont know or do much in here. I bake for the kids if they ask nicely! I mostly spend my time with Rox. I type with a spoon emoji (🥄) Aradia: Hell0! I've caught up with a l0t of mem0ries and I'm getting m0re with time. I spend my time playing b0ard games with Grey. I'm dating S0llux and Feferi. I have been t0ld that I give nice hugs. I type with my symb0l first (♈️) Tavros: hEY,, ITS UH,,, tAVROS. i SIT IN HERE AND PLAY WITH ALL THE DOGS. iF ANYONE NEEDS ME TO PROTECT THE SYSTEM I DO. i KINDA STAY AWAY FROM VRISKA BUT,,, uH,, sHE SEEMS OK. i DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i USE MY SYMBOL BEFORE I TYPE (♉️) Sollux: what2 up. the local pun ma2ter ii2 iin bu2iine22 over here. ii 2pend my tiime relaxiing and enjoyiing not haviing anythiing two really do. playiing that fuckiing game take2 a lot out of you. ii protect the 2y2tem iif ii need two. iim datiing aa and ff. ii al2o type wiith my 2ymbol (♊️) Karkat: I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKERS WANT FROM ME. IM LITERALLY THE FUCKING SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE, RELAXING WITH NOTHING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DO FOR ONCE. MY GREATEST FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT IS EATING 49 PIZZAS WITHOUT PUKING. I PUKED ON THE 50TH. I TYPE WITH MY FUCKING SYMBOL SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE (♋️) Nepeta: :33 < hey! i sit in here and spend looots of time with my meowrail Equius and my rp partner Terezi! its so purrfect to not have all the responsibilities of the game anymore. aaaaand im not dead! i type with my symbol (♌️) but sometimes i furget. 833 wats this Kanaya: Hello Children. I Am Married To Rose Lalonde-Maryam And I Am Dating The Host Jade. I Spend My Time Being Gay And Sleeping. I Unironically Like Vore I Am Not Ashamed To Admit It. I Also Discovered Memes And I Enjoy Them Very Much. Ben Is A Hoe. Bitches Like Yellow. I Type With My Symbol As Well (♍️) Terezi: H3Y. 1 H4T3 TYP1NG ON TH1S SO 1 W1LL M4K3 TH1S SHORT. 4H3M. 1 DONT DO MUCH H3R3 HOST J4D3 1S MY QPP 4ND TH4TS 4BOUT 1T. 1 US3 MY SYMBOL TOO (♎️) Vriska: idk im here for some dum8ass reason. i pro8a8ly wont quirk. im too tired to do anything. jade said i have depression and hes probably right. i spend all my time laying on the floor doing nothing 8ut think about eeeeeeeeverything that went wrong back then. anyway i use my sym8ol to 8e different from everyone else (♏️) Equius: D --> um. i am not sure what i am supposed to say. jason told me to say that i sniff e%haust fumes, which is not a lie. i mostly spend time with nepeta to keep her out of trouble. i am attempting to get over my "obsessiveness with the highb100ds. i use my symbol before speech (♐️) Gamzee: WhAtS uP mOtHeRfUcKeRs YoUr LoCaL cLoWn Is HeRe. I DuNnO I lIkE wEeD aNd HoNkInG oMinOuSlY aT iNcOnVeNiEnT tImEs. I jUsT hAnG oUt WiTh My BrO kArKat. MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS bRo. (♑️) Eridan: i dont understand the point of wwritin all this. i spend my time "sulkin" accordin to everyone else. im just relaxin and thinkin about wwhen i didnt have to remember all the bad shit. i also practice magic behind kanayas back. i used the Aquarius symbol before typin (♒️) Feferi: )(ey! I also really dont do much in here. I spend time wit)( Sollux and Aradia thoug)(! We like to talk about life back before the game. ot)(er than that i dont do muc)(. i use my symbol before i say anything (♓️) Her Imperious Condesension: she doesnt want to talk about herself since she doesnt remember much. she didnt know anything when she first arrived so Lily screamed at her to get her into submission. she wont hurt anyone. she uses (🐠) Jack Noir: he wont write anything because hes an asshole. he doesnt really talk anyway unless hes being fucking rude. he uses (⬛️) before he talks. he just generally hates everyone. Steven: Hi! I'm Steven Quartz Universe! I just showed up one day! I hang around and play with the dogs and the others. I'm 14 and I'll be 15 in two months!! I cant wait to talk!!! I use an upside down exclamation point before talking (¡). It's nice to meet you! Wildfang: she never talks, shes super shy but shes 9 year old me. idk how she got here or why. i think its a stable time loop. Rainbow Dash: yo its rainbow dash! im 16! im from host jades sunset shimmer canon!! i just got here yesterday! im agender so i use they/them pronouns and aro/ace. stay cool bitches. go punch a transphobe or smth idk. i use a rainboy emoji before i talk (wow so creative (🌈)) there are also four clones of my best friend and i think a clone of my datemate that disappeared. so 36 countable people including me.

[getallemeralds]

Multiples of 4!!

oh no we have to do MATH It’s. Really not that hard. shut up ill do it skipping those we’ve already answered, by the way!

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

yes. by a lot. H-A-M-A-D-A… uhhhh oh it’s exactly 6! that’s cool. I… don’t know my last name? So I guess same as Hiro’s. 4 letters! R-I-D-E. mathonwy, so. longer, yeah

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

mmm. too many. can we get a fricking, new partner just so these questions arent so angsty i kissed trust A LOT !!!!! that works

12. Where did you sleep last night?

in bed! with my mom. we share a bed. like we still have our sleeping bag in case we need it? but mom let us share her bed

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

That’s… weirdly specific. i dunno guys, have we? i used to football! Well. Does it mean American or Everywhere Else? i used to everywhere else football! alright lets all kiss mae HOORAY

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

[shouts from across headspace] YES

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

[singing] whyd ya have to go and make things so complicaateeeed In personality… Yes? I take care of people. I just want my friends to have a good time. what the fuck is a stable sense of identity tho ( MEEEEEE)

40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

aw man this is totally a romance one. we sort of dont … like anybody that way, right now. I DOOOOOO [tackles trust] HGHDFGDHZ guys thats not an answer i like trust cause. he was there for me w hen things were really really shit? and even when he, wasnt there for me, it was because he was worried id get hurt more if he was. and i HATE HOW HES SO DUMB AND SACRIFICES HIMSELF A LOT jesus shit trust most of your kins do that shit too. hes a gay baby. i love him Wow, thanks.

44. Does anyone disgust you?

HAHA I FUCKIN WONDER maybe we should stop bein salty about magpie for a bit? NAH

48. What color shirt are you wearing?

uh. black. thats MY shirt, you asshole! inspace i aaaaam wearing… uh. yeah im still wearing the shirt idrew myself in. did i actually post that? fuck i dont remember red! i didn’t bring a change of clothes. WHICH IS WHY IM UPSET ABOUT LOSING MY PANTS. HINT. it was an accident ): Green. im straight up naked right now YOU’RE COVERED IN FUR, DON’T GIVE T HEM THE WRONG IMPRESSION i can stop being covered in fur if yall want? DONT DO THT

[scrolls past “anyone youre giving up on”, trust starts laughing]

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

OH MY GOD? WAIT ARE YOU SURE YOU GRABBED THE RIGHT ONE YEAH????? [LOSING IT] do we even need to answer this with trust here [on floor]

56. Do you like to cuddle?

shit yes please pet me meet me in the CUDDLE PIT [wheezing] don’t touch me 8| or well. unless you’re my friend. which all of you are. still not a fan of uh, prolonged contact though? hugs are okay, being held onto for a while is unnerving

60. What do you carry with you at all times? 

[impulsively] my ass I’D. HOPE SO?????? I still have my Evoker, actually. I haven’t had to use it in a long time, but I keep it with me just in case. we always have our phone on us ngl.

64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? 

[smooches trust] :D i literally cant remember who i have a crush on, guys bandetto? THAT WAS YE A R S A G O OOOOOOOO

oh my god how long IS this very?

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?  

NEITHER, GOD, NO, leopard print? i guess? im disowning you

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

guys was it pizza hut or dominos that had the valentines day promotion idfk my dude its been a long time either way.

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

we kept hearing about it but we dont know a single thing so, no [nasally voice] do you want anime? nooooooooo MAE YOU TYPOED IT AS “WANT ANIME”, I SAID “WATCH” MAYBE I WANT SOME ANIME RIGHT NOW!!!!!

80. Are you from the south?    

im really glad we changed up the formatting, guys we’ve always been up north. we’re miswe… mid… leo help midwesterners. pat i dunno how you kept fucking that up so bad

84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?  

we’re in like. no condition to do any of that. i parkoured?

88. Is your phone touch screen?    

i dunno guys, IS our phone touch the screen? imagine how is touch the screen knock it off. yes.

92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

ew, no? mae, even counting system stuff? [annoyed noises] okay, maybe once

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

haha oh man, that would’ve been at ms rose’s house… wow. :,) so like. maybe a decade ago. GUYS WE’RE TWO DECADES OLD WHAT THE FUCK

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?     

probably? not even abt magpie ths time, we just have a lot of people on facebook but we don’t even use it

104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

[magnus voice] pard’nr NY’ALL that sounds like something id’ look cute in actually? NY’ALL stop

[tumblunni]

I had a really frickin surreal dream that was oddly scary despite not really containing scary content?? Like.. existentially scary cos i really thought i was awake. I “woke up” back in my abusive mum’s house and then I “went to sleep” after a terrible day and then like the only actual nightmare content aside from mum was a plot about me sleepwalking and “waking up” in the middle of a crowded street buck naked and with no idea how to get home. Which was honestly a giant plothole cos i never sleep naked, i mean im even wearing socks right now cos its freezing! And I remember dream-me excusing the plothole by saying ‘well, its what adults do’ cos my dad did it, and now i’m just starting to think about how weirdly fucked up that was that i still slept in the same bed as him until age 11 and he was naked. Thankfully I was never sexually abused by this man, but he had a lot of weird moments like that, he was way too open about sexuality to a child and would treat me like a freak for being asexual and talk about how i should just masturbate or watch porn to somehow cure myself. And also somehow using tampons instead of pads?? Anyway, in the dream I was crying a lot and i remember pinching my arm and it actually did hurt, or at least the dream me was like ‘yep i am totally convinced this is what pinching my arm in the real world would be like’. I suppose cos its such a well known pop culture way of telling if its a dream, my subconcious started protecting against it. DAMMIT NOW HOW CAN I TELL And then when abuse mum rescued me from naked crowd shame she was all ‘this is your fault how dare you embarass me’ and etc etc predictable outcome. Really I wasnt that scared about all this when i finally actually woke up for real, I mean the classic ‘oh no i dont have any pants in a public situation’ nightmare is pretty tame, and i remember my abusive parents in like every dream forever lol. It was just really scary how i couldnt tell that i was dreaming! I hope i never get trapped in an even worse nightmare and can’t tell its not real. or like.. get so convinced that a dream is real that i forget about my real life when i wake up?? Also i remember how apparantly the excuse for me sleepwalking when i’ve never done that before was that my bedroom was haunted by a ghost. And i was like OH PHEW IT WAS JUST A GHOST! And everyone was saying it was totes evil and stuff and i was saying ‘well it didnt do anything to me before, so maybe it heard me and mum arguing and was trying to save me’. And then I talked to the ghost and was like ‘hey im totally fine with being possessed and stuff, i could use a new friend, just change the spooky phenomena to literally anything except the no pants in public thing’ And the ghost sheepishly apologized and then I woke up for real. So.. crazy theory... was it a real ghost...?? Hypothetically if there is a dream ghost out there possessing me, i’m sorry all my dreams are super sad and/or nightmarey. I’d love to hang out with you and be best buddies but maybe move on to someone else whose headspace is more fun? or like if you’re a jerk ghost who tries to make nightmares then i already have those all the time and couldnt tell the difference lol. Either way, I hope you have a nice day! And marry christmas or also hannukah or also any holidays you celebrate! Probably ghosts have a better idea about what the afterlife is actually like, lol, so i cna imagine there’d totally be religious ones

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh  honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move  against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it. 

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good. 

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv. 

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk. 

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though. 

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both. 

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary. 

5. Karen is still my target. 

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap. 

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk