#like the first person who said this wasnt funny but whatever but the 10th or 15th im over it

[gokutitties]

Can people stop applying real world logic to my art

[aiweirdness]

A big neural net reviews a smaller neural net's recipes

I’ve used various neural networks to generate recipes, to varying degrees of success. My earliest recipes were generated with char-rnn, which had to learn everything - spelling, punctuation, words - entirely from scratch. Its recipes were terrible (Swamp Peef and Cheese, anyone? Or Chocolate Chicken Chicken Cake?). Later when I started using GPT-2, I was using a neural net that had already seen a lot of recipes online during internet pre-training, and its recipes looked a lot more realistic (although not entirely realistic - there was that recipe for Black Forest Cake that suggested pouring the batter into a toaster, or the jello recipe that starts with “remove all internal rinds”).

GPT-3, an even more powerful text-generating neural net, has seen so many recipes during its internet pre-training that its recipes are boringly plausible. Bake its Black Forest Cake recipe and you’d probably actually get cake at the end, even if it’s not the best cake in the world. Its recipes aren’t funny at a glance, which is why I haven’t posted any of them - until internet linguist Gretchen McCulloch suggested that, rather than have GPT-3 generate its own recipes, I have it rate char-rnn’s recipes. Readers, it worked.

I prompted GPT-3 with two example recipes from allrecipes, each followed by 3 of their human-written reviews. Then, for the third recipe I inserted one of char-rnn’s recipes:

Chocolate Chocolate Cake

1 cup sugar 1/4 cup butter 1 cup margarine 1 cup cocoa 1 teaspoon vanilla 1 cup margarine 1/2 cup pecans, chopped 1 teaspoon vanilla 1 egg yolk 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup chopped pecans 1 cup sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla 1 cup cocoa 1 teaspoon vanilla

Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, salt, and salt in a large bowl. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture boils and stiff peaks form. Add milk and cook until mixture is completely melted. Remove from heat and stir in sugar and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Spread in batter. Sprinkle with pecans.

Yield: 1 servings

And then I let GPT-3 add reviews. Would it mention the excessive lakes of vanilla? The complete lack of flour? The foolhardy reliance on the heroic efforts of a single egg yolk to hold things together?

oxtailsandturnovers Rating: 5 stars 03/04/2007 delicious chocolate recipe!!! and the perfect balance between cocoa and chocolate. and they sure were LONGNECKS! big time rave here. lazy w birthdays w friends and family, try this recipe for something chocolate sweet the ppl will talk about over and over.

AKEMIYUNA Rating: 5 stars appraisal 12/03/2008 Excellent for the kids Halloween party. Everyone got so thrilled by seeing something new on Chocolate in sponge. He even likes nuts separately but it will taste good..

BYOMFYABF Rating: 2 stars 10/01/2008 I could only give it a 2 as I had to make changes to it due to ingredients I had. First, I used Dove Dark Chocolate cocoa instead of Hershey's, no nuts, and the mashed bananas and caramel topping were a must. I did use coffee instead of the hot water, and dark margarine instead of regular, therefore I could not use light whipped cream, but I made homemade whipped cream. It had WAY too much flour in it, but i guess it could have been me measuring heavier than I should have. I also only used 2 cups of flour. it was my first bundt cake, so it was huge!!!

Here’s another batch of reviews, this time of a more chaotic char-rnn recipe:

Simple Soup Alaborate Soup Pie

6 each chopped white perserves; ** (optional but ring) 1/2 cup chopped fresh marjoram 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme 1/3 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup thinly sliced onion 1/4 cup onion (chopped) 1/2 teaspoon garlic; minced 2 small carrots 6 can dry white wine 1 tabasco sauce 1 tablespoon sugar 1/2 cup flour, whipped topping 2 tablespoon chili powder

Marinate: Serves 4. Whip and short under boiling. Add the sliced mushrooms and peppers and stir to coat. Stir the sugar and carrots. In large bowl, beat the egg to make a 1 1/2 tablespoons of the flour. Add shanks and stir it well. Spoon into a frying pan before serving.

Recipe By : DonajehLi Koubmanda

Yield: 8 servings

JEFFREY97389 Rating: 2 stars 03/03/2006 Even though everyone said this was great, I thought it was just 'OK!' The perserves gave a strange flavor to the sauce.

MATTJANDTRACER Rating: 2 stars 01/02/2009 This recipe sounded good. When it came out it tasted a bit like a casserole and not a stew. I used venison instead of deer and pork. I liked the way it turned out, but it wasnt very French.

Hammy Rating: 5 stars The g iving this as a gift as it takes about 10 less minutes but using American cheese and not blended with parsley flakes, lime-flavored gelatin, which is my husband's favorite dish from SuperValu. Just happens to be the creamy sauce. Don't worry about a pie crust.

In fact, the more chaotic the char-rnn recipe, the more chaotic the reviews tend to be, as if GPT-3 has picked up on the chaos and is trying to somehow produce reviews that could plausibly be written by whatever weird humans are visiting this mangled recipe website.

Geilded Peanuts & Crabmeat Basil

3 beef, boneless chops, or thyme, 1 lamber and flince of fresh diced in diagonal 1 parsley 2 large leeks (for garnish) 3/4 teaspoon sesame oil, seeded and peeled 1 any jeans'l-tortilla 1 pepper or cinnamon 1/4 cup baesly pinto beans. (Crushed and thawed; minced fine you recipe) 1 tomato base 1 fat in the last 5 inch plates 1 garlic clove; crushed 1/4 cup dijon mustard

In a large bowl set aside. Remove the sides from the heat and saute with a fork and cover and cook on Low for 6 to 6 hours.

Yield: 6 servings

Morales Rating: 0 stars 03/30/2008 I had high expectations for this recipe, but it was an outright flop. I don't know if the measurements were somehow incorrect or what, but I ended up with a watery mess that certainly wasn't crab salad. My girlfriend, who is a new chef liked it fine, but I really wish that the recipe didn't claim that it made six servings when it really made enough for one, if that's what we were going to call it.

Carole Rating: 5 stars Glorious sobs! This recipe will be delicious for a minumum of 1½ Hours to maximum 2½ hours Time to bring lots of fresh sized potatoes in the house or grow in the age may become quite famous

Amanda Rating: 3 stars 11/13/2009 My friend is having a birthday party and will celebrate with Camping. She's in charge of the dishes and wanted to serve food at the campfire. I'll 10th grade, my easy information for her party. It will not sound strange anyway test this task with a note to work rationally.What to take trees, portable tables for chairs, the main meal, food. I personally love the taste of it but has anyone seen a shepherd (wasn't any spices), oysters. It is sufficient

It does kind of make sense that GPT-3’s recipe reviews aren’t directly complaining about the utter weirdness of char-rnn’s recipes. Probably very few of the recipe reviews in GPT-3’s training data involved baffled complaints about nonexistent or repeated ingredients, or apocalyptic levels of recipe failure. So GPT-3 has learned that even the critical reviews tend to fall within a certain sentiment range. It’s interesting that it tries to emulate char-rnn’s primitive neural net glitchiness - I’ve noticed before that GPT-3 seems to be capable of pretending to be a much simpler neural net.

Subscribers get bonus content: After generating a few reviews, GPT-3 would sometimes go on to generate new recipes (such as “BBQ Cheeseburger Salad” which contains lime jello, whipped topping, and sliced black beans). It may have been deliberately trying to make them terrible to fit in with char-rnn’s recipes.

Speaking of AI-generated recipes: there are some absolute disasters in my book on AI, You Look Like a Thing and I Love You: Amazon - Barnes & Noble - Indiebound - Tattered Cover - Powell’s - Boulder Bookstore

[innocentbeing]

just some babble on my thoughts on that scene with paula talking to edward abt lizzie. literally i just put words down as they came into my head IT LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE UNDER HERE but its nice to put my feels down

also i kinda just went coocoo abt rciel/lizzie somehow (haha “somehow”) so like theres that LMAO

 hhhuhuuu ok first, we have “through the tears...” aka Lizzie’s hardships. first being the time lizzie lost rciel on the twins 10th birthday.. and the other being lizzie refusing to wear high heels to support ociel.

i just. find it so interesting that lizzie giving up her high heels is put here to show lizzie’s pain. it’s a sacrifice that she made for ociel.. but i never thought of it as a good thing for her. honestly, i don’t think we’re meant to think of it as a good thing for her here, seeing as paula equates it with lizzie crying. it’s pain she goes through for ociel, which he doesn’t even notice. not that it’s his fault ofc, but still. something to take into consideration.  

and it’s so funny to me how we get lizzie crying over losing rciel... instead of like, her being sad over her strength. i’ve always said that lizzie’s issue over what rciel said to her was never about how strong she was. it didn’t cause her insecurity problems with herself. what it DID so was make her worry that he wouldn’t like her or want her as his wife. and like, given that there is literally nothing shown about her being sad over her strength i’d say i’m spot on. what lizzie wanted most was rciel and her greatest pain was losing him.

moviiing on to “the smiles” ... which are all moments with ociel. (bc ofc, its not like it would make any sense to put random scenes we never saw before) but the dresses yana chose are so interesting to me... the first one is the one lizzie wore in chapter 2, her first appearance... and possibly one of the worst scenes for lizzie/ociel yet LOL. but whatever, i honestly don’t think that’s really important. the point is lizzie did feel genuine happiness with ociel, i think. that’s kinda the whole point with these pictures— its why lizzie was so broken up in ch144. as if rciel could merely be switched with someone who simply looks like him and she’d go on loving that person all the same. her love wasnt as real as she believed it was. 

while she thought that, it uses ch2 dress once again to represent ociel/lizzie 

i have to wonder, why THAT one of all choices? wouldn’t it be better to use the one she wore on the ship since they shared better moments together? isnt it more significant? even the one she wore when she went to watch him in weston would have been better imo shudji

i think theres a purpose for it. like, it’s meant to represent lizzie’s happiness with ociel i think. shes smiling, shes happy, all is well. but. let’s not forget what went down before they started dancing. i mean, you can still see the tears in her eyes for god’s sake

like, i think overall the real point is: yes, she was happy.. but.  ..that’s it right there LOL. there’s always a “but”. yes ociel [pretended to] forgave her and they danced and she was happy but he almost slapped her. but they were yelling at each other just like 10 seconds prior. 

yes lizzie tries hard to make him happy but all it mostly does is annoy him and make him angry. 

yes it was sweet that ociel took off his coat and put it over her shoulders but he literally forced her out of her clothes against her will. yes they both apologized for their faults but they couldnt get there until he got aggressive and lizzie broke down crying

yes lizzie wears high heels to support him but she would rather be cute, she’d rather wear high heels. (there was no “but” when it came to rciel. he said a strong wife would scare him and she went ‘ok, im done with my training. i never liked it much but i definitely dont want it if you dont want me. i will give it up.’)

what REALLY gets me is the next dress.. paula thinks of lizzie and the good times they went through together... and lizzie holds the easter chapter dress 

so we have the dress from ch2 and the easter chapter dress. THE EASTER DRESS SDHSUIJ i love the easter chapter sm

like ok. there’s lizzie’s big ‘ol smile ‘cause she’s so happy BUT.. (BUT!!) WE ALL KNOW HOW THE EASTER CHAPTER WENT DOWN. WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT ENDED

JUST LOOK AT HER

LOOK AT HER FACE. 

like, of all the fking dresses for lizzie to hold up and represent her “happiness” ayhduija LIKE.. THATS SO DELIBERATE. ITS JUST MY POINT. like, yes she was happy and she believed she was happy but was she really all that happy? i think there was a lot of pain that lizzie put a happy mask over and covered up in front of ociel. 

look how SAD she is over “ciel” misremembering the times they spent together. times she SO OBVIOUSLY cherishes very dearly. the way she thinks of the moments where something was off about him and how it hurts her. iT mAKES HER sad. THAT SAYS SO MUCH........ LIKE DOESNT THAT SHOW SHE CLEARLY KINDA MISSED RCIEL?? DESPITE THINKING HES STILL FKING ALIVE..... 

LIKE HOW TF DO YOU HAVE HER THINK ABT THE THINGS THAT DISTINGUISHES OC FROM RC (coughing/not remembering the egg) AND GET SAD BY IT..... AND WONDER WTF HAPPENED TO HIM..... THEN TRY TO TELL ME HER ASS ISNT IN FUKING LOVE WITH HI— SGDHUIJSSFD /kms  

like this is sooo a lizzie -> rciel moment.  like NO she didnt realize that he wasnt really ciel BUT she still yearned for the real ciel ANYWAY SHUDI. LIKE THAT ALONE... is like, for me, proof that her feelings arent just bc she was robotically conditioned to love him due to being his fiancée. like, if that was the case then she wouldnt feel sad here. she’d just happily accept any behavior from him because it’s not like it really matters how he acts as long as he’s “ciel”. 

like that what it LOOKS like she did on the surface but this clearly shows that she’s been feeling this way ever since he came back from that month. AND LIKE HULLO... THAT TRAUMATIC MONTH.. OFC HE’S NOT GONNA BE THE SAME AND OFC SHE’S GONNA DO HER BEST TO BE SUPPORTIVE AFTER WHAT HE’S BEEN THROUGH...  

LOOK HOW SHE CALLS HIS NAME IN HER THOUGHTS 😭😭

god, its jsut so deep SDGUHIJo LIKE when I first read the easter chapter I was like, “what??? why is she sad just ‘cos he didnt immediately remember some design of an egg... why is the manga making it out like its so tragic... wth does it have to do with that month.” LIKE I JUST THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING WAS DUMB LMAOO. and i was so disappointed too ‘cos I got super excited when she took off those ears while everyone was leaving I was just like “FUCK YEAH SHOW US THE REAL LIZZIE.. I KNOW THIS GIRL IS NOT HAPPY AS SHE SEEMS!! IK SHE DONT FKING LOVE HIM” LOL

BUT NOW WITH 2CT ITS LIKE.. SO FUCKING SAD.. AND TRAGIC. AND DEEP. AND NOT DUMB AT ALL SDGYSUHIJ. honestly thats why i love this chapter sm. i went from excited to disappointed to MIND BLOWN AND CRYING SDGUHI 😭😭 

LIKE FUCK.. EVEN WHEN REPLACED BY OCIEL LIZZIE COULD NOT MOVE ON FROM RCIEL 😭😭 SHE WAS STILL FREAKING THINKING ABT HIM SDGYUHSI 😭

i mean like YEAH OBVIOUSLY since she thought oc was rc this whole time BUT THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT SDYUHIj like she still thinks of real ciel like the REAL real ciel.. not “ciel who’s actually ociel” .. THE UNDENIABLY REAL TRUE CIEL.. “we spent so many easters together” that was rciel. “its your favorite kind, with the strawberries on top!” that was rciel. “i’m the kind of scary girl ciel hates!” THAT WAS RCIEL SDUHIJS. that one ESP shows how she still hangs onto things that rciel said because they matter to her and still cares about what he thinks.

ANYWAY, I love how she says “hey, ciel...” and she talks to him in her thoughts, in her heart. like, like, its so sad ‘cos the one she is talking to is.. gone. he is gone and she doesnt know but she still thinks of him and speaks to him in her mind and its jUST FUCKJGN SHDGYUHSIHDUYG 

IT REMINDS ME OF NANA... AT THE END OF EACH EP HACHI GOES “Hey, Nana...” even though Nana has left and is no longer there. 😭😭 that fucking “you are not here any more, but I still think of you all the time.” I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHIT 😭😭

one of my fav lines (i have so many of them) was:  

“Hey Nana... Not a day goes by where I don't wish you were sitting across this table here with me. I call your name within my heart… over and over again”

LIKE HULLO... IS TIHS NOT LIZ? LOOL. like imagine when she thought ciel died that month and she was just MISERABLE the whole time and yearning for him in her heart.. BUT THEN HE COMES BACK AND SHES HAPPY ITS GREAT ITS A BLESSING.. even though hes not the same BUT THATS OK BECAUSE HES HERE AND ALIVE AND THATS WHAT REALLY MATTERS but like. god its just not the same and she still yearns for him in her heart ; - ;

its so romantic 💕

[brightokyolights]

I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now. 

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc. 

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it. 

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion  but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!

[dfwemelie]

August🔥

August 5th. I finally got my phone back from the cruise and omfg I wanna go back so bad. It was so incredibly fun and I met alot of amazing people. I met Gage, Taylor, Emma, Destiny, Dezi, Josh, Jacob, DJ, Andre, Adam, Daniel, Ty, Preston, Eddy, Aiden, and so many more people. It was such an experience and definitely the best birthday I've ever had. None of them are gonna read this but thank you to everyone who made my first cruise and my 16th birthday so awesome. I love and will miss everyone.

I got to watch Gavin today cause Sebastian has a eye doctors appointment which is not fun for me. I also have to get my school schedule today cause I wasnt able to on the 1st cause I was in Cozumel. I'm really hoping I get classes with my friends. I'll be upset if I didn't but itll be okay. If I dont I'll just be known as the quiet girl again.

August 6, I have to force myself to stop liking swedish boy but ngl it's so fucking hard. Hes perfect for me. God fucking damn it why does he gotta live so far. Why do I have to get so attached to people so quickly. I just get left in agonizing pain again and again. it's just a constant state of heartbreak. I hate this. I hate myself. He told me hes forcing himself to stop liking me cause he knows there is no way of us meeting. That really broke me. I keep saying it's fine but it's not. Why do I do this to myself. Why cant I just stay away from all of it like I wanted to in the first place. None of it matters anymore. I guess the only thing I can try to do is move on. I was talking to Parker about it and he said if he really did like me then he would try all he could to make it work. Ugh I just wish he could make it work. Hes not my cute swedish boi anymore, just a guy I met on tiktok. It hurts saying that but that's all itll ever be now. My tiny little sliver of hope that I had was incinerated by the flames of tragedy. I gotta move on. I dont wanna move on. I have to though. It hurts. Its weird not seeing his name as Swedish boi now when he texts me. He asked me to change it.

August 9th, I went driving today and i did kinda good. I went on Birnhamwoods and i was scared but i did good. My mom doesnt know how to give directions. Other than that I've just been in bed all day again. I've been watching Jane The Virgin season 5 with Misty and so many things are happening it's great. Theres 5 days till school and I want to go back but I really dont want to. First I'm gonna have to see Gage and that's gonna be hella awkward. We havent talked since he blocked me like a month or 2 ago. I also have to give Scott his stuff back and that's really gonna hurt. I don't tell anyone but I still wear his jacket sometimes. I know it's bad and I need to stop but I cant help it. I cant help the fact I still miss him. But now I gotta give it back to him. By me doing that it means its really over. I guess that's how its gonna be now. Just over. I gotta ignore the fact that I loved him and he was my first. But now it's gone and I have to accept that. I'm just gonna stop trying ya know. Im tired of getting my heart broken. I just need to be alone from everyone for awhile.

August 10th, Yesterday I was playing with the boys and needed to switch the party from my phone to the xbox. My headset was dead so I asked sebastian for his charger cause I lost mine. He said no but I took it anyways. He knew I was gonna take it so he rat me out to my parents and told me to give it back. I asked if I could borrow it again and he said no. I was angry so I grabbed his headset and threw it on the ground, breaking it. My dad heard and ran up the stairs and started yelling at me. He told me to clean my room so I locked myself in the bathroom. They took my phone, xbox cable, and TV cable. My mom tried talking to me but I didn't say anything, only that I wanted my phone back. While everyone was distracted I grabbed pillows, blankets, markers, and my fan and slept in the bathroom as a protest. At around 1am my mom gave me back my phone and said she deleted everything. I was pissed. But I'm fine now.

I went driving today again. We went through benders and looked at the rich people houses. Must be nice not being broke. I also drove to Kroger which I was nervous about since there were so many cars but I did good. I even parked, not perfectly but in the spot. My dad felt bad about yesterday and got me Starbucks. School is starting up soon and I'm excited to see kaylie but that's it. Not looking forward to giving Scott his jacket back. I'm just gonna walk up to him, say nothing, and hand it to him. I'm gonna stop talking about it before I start crying again lol

August 14th,First day of school and I've already cried twice. Scott kept talking about how he broke up with me and how he feels bad about how he did it and regrets it. Then he asked me about Gavin was and I said he really fucking misses him, cause he does. Then the bell rang and I cried walking out. Other than that it was an okay day. Coach Clair remembered me and I was really happy about that. Also my son Jadon is in that class and that made me happy.

August 15th, I'm in chemistry rn and I fucking hate it. I don't think there are any juniors in here and it sucks. I feel like shjt that I failed this class. It wasn't my fault though. I really hate this. It makes me really nervous and anxious and emotional. I'm not gonna cry but I wish I could. Everyone knows eachother and I don't know anyone. I wish I was in Physics instead but i guess that's harder than Chemistry. Now I'm in level chemistry so its gonna be easier cause I struggled with how fast they were teaching.

Looks like I gotta reset my days clean tonight.

I met this guy named Allon yesterday. I see him everyday since he's in my culinary and he's also in my history and my English. He seems cool and is friends with Eugene. Culinary was fun today, we did a speed dating thing and it was awkward at first but once we got to talking to everyone it was easy.

August 16th, its Friday. School is done for the week. I was upset today cause they changed my history teacher and I loved him. Now they put me with this monotone teacher Mr.Horton. it's weird cause there is only like 10 kids in that class. I am now also in Livestock production and there are 12 student in there including me now. I don't know why some of the classes are so small, there are over 2,000 students at gohs now. In culinary we had to split up in groups and I went with Eugene, Allon, Adam, and Tamara. They are a really fun group. I almost feel bad for leaving Michael to be in a group with a bunch of people he doesnt know but he would've had to choose to sit with them or Eugene so I sat with them so he didnt have to. I had alot of fun. I already know culinary is gonna be my favorite class this year. Mrs.Langley says we aren't allowed to choose our groups this year but I hope she changes her mind. Allon seems really nice. I got his snapchat and we've been talking alot. He has the cutest fucking poodle ever. I see him everyday, not just cause of culinary but hes in my blue day English.

August 18th, its 12:06pm and I just realized I haven't done my review for the last 2 days. I haven't done much. I've mainly been texting Allon and watching Netflix.

August 19th, I try to sleep away my depression. It doesn't work

August 20th, by far one of the worst things about grand oaks this year is the bus situation. There are way too many kids on each bus and they have to get more busses cause it's so over crowded.

Last night was okay, I played Apex with Eugene then after we just talked for an hour. He was the main person talking he kept saying he felt bad for talking so much but I told him I'm a good listener so it was okay. We talked about some deep stuff and we actually have alot in common. We both overthink situations and create random scenarios in our head that would never happen but like what if they did. I almost feel kinda bad about talking to Eugene so much cause Michael hates him and I consider them both of my friends. I've just known Michael for so long but I have alot in common Eugene. More than I thought. I've kinda been leaning away from Michael and from my friends in general. I feel horrible for doing it but I don't want to completely cut them out of my life cause they've been in my life for so long. I guess I've kinda just grew out of some friendships, mainly Michael and I's. Idk maybe I'm just talking too much and should just keep everything how it is.

August 22nd, okay so update. Derek hit me up and I'm like ew but whatever. Allon is making me watch pokemon and ngl kinda love it. My hair is curly. We stan. I feel sick but that's cause I ate a sandwich and kept moving around. Also my back hurts. I wanna die. I'm at the bus stop. Its humid. Ew. Gross. I hate myself. That's it. Goodnight.

August 23, I was kinda quiet in culinary today and everyone was very concerned apparently. I spoke maybe 10 words. I dont know the exact reason but it was mainly thinking about Scott and the fact I kinda feel left out alot of the time. I don't even know why I'm still thinking about him, maybe I should take the time over the weekend to try to stop thinking about him. I feel left out alot in culinary, and in life in general. Culinary cause I sit with all guys and they talk about things I dont really know. I dont feel like talking about it anymore. Goodnight

August 28th, not much has happened since I last updated. I played minecraft with Allon last night and it was pretty fun. He died twice and it was super funny. Before he left we talked about just life. How we've both given up on relationships in general cause we've been fucked over so many times. Which I think is weird cause I keep getting mixed signals from him that he likes me but he also thinks of me as a friend. It's weird. But yea he also asked me if I was gonna go to homecoming this year and I told him I would if someone asked me but other than that I probably wouldnt. Yeah and then he left and I cried myself to sleep cause i talk to my ceiling about how lonely i feel at night. Yeah that's it.

I have such bad luck with guys holy shit I hate myself

August 29th, I played more Minecraft with Allon yesterday. We played for 3 hours lol. It was really fun. We both kept dying in the nether and we also kept killing eachother. I still get confused on whether he likes me or not. So many mixed signals it's crazy. I forgot my chemistry notebook at home and I'm very upset about that but oh well. I get to see Julian today so that's gonna be interesting. I keep seeing Scott everywhere I go and it just makes me so incredibly sad. I wish it didnt but it does. I'm sitting next to Johan and it's very obvious he likes me. I feel bad for not liking him back but I cant help for the fact that I will only see him as a friend. I think the whole Scott thing is playing a part in it too. I dont wanna date Johan cause it means I'll be around him more often. I really miss him but I dont. I want him in my life but I dont. Ya know? I'm confusing myself. Carlos and his friend walked to my house yesterday to get his phone and wallet back. It was funny cause there was alot of lightning and thu der and Carlos got hella scared. My mom pulled up and we drove them home.

August 31st, ah the end. I've played minecraft with Allon all day except for when I went to Akashi. Lifes been okay. I still think about him alot but I'm getting better. At least I feel like I am. Hopefully. I know it takes time but fuck I'm impatient. I miss Kaylie. I like culinary. I've officially established a group. It's me, Allon, Eugene, Adam, and the occasional Ty and Tamara. It's great. I'm happy I've made friends. Also I have a new friend in fashion. I'm trying to plan ahead on outfits for the show and I already have my whole 5 outfits but I need my fashion sketchbook to come in quick cause I'm dying from not drawing these. Adam has concluded I'm addicted to vitamin water. This month was ight. Hopefully I get better next month.

[bubblywimp-blog]

15 April

"c'mon Lara!get up now!..its 10:30" said my mum "hmm" i mumbled today is a saturday and i took a leave from school because mainly we dont do anything much in school.teachers are all busy in annual function practices plus Iomhara was not going to turn up...well just so you guys know during our ninth grade we all that is the gossip queens and auraa were separated  me and Iomhara are together,aki and tani are in one class and aura's got her friend ash with her in another class..sad right??..though we meet up during lunch breaks and all we still need to feel each other around..i really miss those guys. tani was the clown of our group... so coming back to my boring day! i got up, i did my chores,i was sitting on the sofa,i ate my breakfast, i started to do my homework,i got bore of doing my homework, i started to read fan-fics,my dad took away my phone ,i did my homework again huh! honestly this was all stupidity! lets go to the fun part,shall we? time skip i was running late for tutions again!..as i was fast-walking and then i saw aura a few steps ahead of me..well you must be thinking i ran and then caught up with her?..no i didn't, i continued walking faster(cause i am too lazy to run lol!) we met up in the area where you wait for the lift to come and were joined by drish drish is a bus-mate of mine.she is fair ..is sweet and  looks good.. anyway when we reached the house i didnt see Nilay/Aniket (i dont know what his name actually is..i am kinda confused you see) he is my tution teachers younger son.

FLASHBACK I was running late for my first math tution.my whole hair wet because i had just taken a shower and then rushed for the tution.i was wearing a layered skirt that came up to my knee caps and a kinda tight red top.on my way i met asmita in the lift and so we went on talking about stuff and complaining how hot the day was in which not to mention asmita said my outfit was a-bit-too-fancy for a tution..well it was..not my fault.. i dont usually care what i wear. so it was when we reached the place i saw him, i mean the door was locked so i rang the doorbell and he opened the door!! 'he's hot' i mouthed to asmita "he is  in 10th grade" whispered  back asmita "hmm" i mumbled not having  anything to say FLASHBACK FINISHED

I was doing some maths sums my teacher gave me it had been an hour or so when i reached the place and i had done something stupidly wrong so mam was not-so-scoldingly making me understand. that's when he walked out from his bedroom well if i didnt mention his appearance, he is fair and tall well thats all i know for now and did i also mention he is one of my 'choices'?? well asmita says that he is mentally unstable..but i dont think so I guess its just that i have to find that out! anyway so mam was telling me about my mistake and he was just going from one room to the other and thats when it happened, he stopped in his tracks to look at me or more towards the person who had done such a stupid mistake ..i  dunno, maybe because of the incident that took place the day before yesterday FLASHBACK "honestly! how fun would that be!!!"i squealed while laughing the hell outta myself! "yeah totally!"asmita agreed "so when should we do it?" asmita asked "during summer vacations maybe?" I said unsure if we would be free or not "hmm seems fine..so then I'll change the IP address of my phone to maybe Africa? and we would annoy him"asmita planned "yeah that would be cool" now you must be confused as to what we are talking about right?..well we were really bored with our non-happening lives and we decided that what if we could prank some stupid classmate of ours?..well the one we are going to prank is Sam Guna..the one remember? yeah him so we will be texting him as 'anonymous' like an unknown being..well we chose him 'cause his replies are mainly funny so yeah or sometimes he does not even reply which is actually kinda funny(i know i am insane!)..anyway back to the convo "what should we call it?" i asked "call what? the whatever-we-are-doing?" "yeah.." "um..Mission-Ip Address sounds good"asmita said " Mission-Ip Address!" I  repeated " will you be free during summer? I mean you usually visit your hometown right?" Asmita asked "i dunno i won't be there for long i presume but-" "hey there! him!" asmita said "huh?" "nilay!"(she likes to use that name because she thinks its his name so yeah) "where??" "there" and then i saw him going into the lift area with his father?-uncle?uncle2? maybe ,a few people were there and because of them i couldn't see him so i ran to get a clear picture as soon as I was at the point where I could look at them clearly , all of them looked at me and not knowing what to do when someone catches you running to at least have a glimpse of them, i tripped!  yeah man well, i didn't meet the ground..so i did not embarrass myself that much but it still was embarrassing.. i-i don't know i kinda- tripped

the nilay/aniket crowd moved on obviously after  witnessing my stupid behaviour and i am sure he saw it too! FLASHBACK END

god!! how embarrassed was i at that time!! and i couldnt stop my smirk like smile when he was looking at me..and the teacher was kinda scolding me!..you see how weird i would have looked at that time!..well its just cause he is a little more than just a 'choice' so yeah..

During the whole tution my head seemed to have shut up i mean i continued making stupid-silly mistakes and all. me,aura and drish walked towards home in which drish and us parted ways. i asked if aura if we could go down and talk and chat and gossip and do nothing! and she agreed i went up to my house greeted mom and dad,drank water and thats when the doorbell rang "mommy i am going!" i informed "hey!"i greeted aura "hi! did you bring the phone?"she asked "yup! we just need to check the battery and maybe the pic will not be that good.."i said "okay.." "nope no battery! anyway we can witness it and then blackmail those guys!"i said "what can we blackmail about?..Manchurian from the road-side lady?" this Manchurian-lady is a lady who owns a Manchurian stall near our society. "yeah something like that!"i said "okay then!" "do you think they will be there its almost time!" "i don't know maybe they came to know that we know whatever they are doing and they changed their time and place" FLASHBACK-1 "ugh! how i miss my old class! our crew was awesome wasnt it?" i said "yeah it was just-" aura was cut-off in mid-sentence because we saw Pratham(white paint with a black mustache-that's what we call him-or for short W^2PDM) emerge from the bushes and i loudly exclaimed "who is this?" i literally thought that and then i realised i had said it aloud.i quickly apologised for my behaviour,just to get a 'Why are you apologising' back just so you know this guy is a playboy and me and aura hate him!he looks dredfull by the way!i dunno why people like him..if you know what i mean after that we started laughing(me and aura) FLASHBACK-1 END

FLASHBACK-2 "we should head home now..its about time"i said "yeah lets go" aura said glancing at her watch "ouch!" "oh! i am sorry just um..is it Pratham and your last owner's daughter there?"asmita asked "yeah its her!"i confirmed "but what are they doing in the dark there?"asmita asked "i dunno..they would be making out i suppose and now just talking after their 'session'"i said "hey! why dont we find out!"i proposed we examined the crime place as we like to call the area..and then discussed about the possiblities of they were supposedly doing there... and this is how we found out our next mission! Mission-MakeOut! me and aura agreed to spy on them everyday after this until we find out whats happening! FLASHBACK-2 END

"can you just look and him and find any kind of change in his behaviour or as we say aura?"i asked aura.she can easily observe people "no i cant..i just..okay maybe i'll give it a try"aura said "why arent they dong anything!"i said frustrated by the fact that how could they know it this soon..is it like we are not good spies? "its about time Lara..maybe we should go home now! plus the girl is not here today so maybe they have just cancelled their session for today!" said aura "yeah thats a good explanation or maybe she was his one-time fling? he is a playboy! it all fits!" i proposed "but why did he appear from the bushes the other day?"aura asked "maybe she is his two-time fling!" "lets just go home for today!"i said "yeah we'll check on them tomorrow" and with that we went home!.. (dinner was not-so-happening so i am skipping the part)

LaraAngel

[diaryofanalcoholicsdaughter-blog]

Back home and (not) dealing with it

The entire year after my mom passed away I went through intervals of being fine and then dumping all me emotions onto people. Friends, co-workers, random people I met. Once I got started it all came out and I'd cry and cry and cry then I'd be 'fine' again. It was horrific for me a person who could talk a lot of shit and listen for hours about my friends shitty lives or situations but to throw my own hurts out there was new. In twenty five years I'd never done that. Hinted at yeah made jokes about sure but just let it all out? Not fucking way. It was also the first time I realized though I'd been several of my 'friends' emotional support and sounding board they hadn't the foggest clue on how to deal with me being the emotional one. I laughed off a lot of stuff before turned it into one huge joke. I could be serious but mostly about other people's lives. Their problems. Not my own. I was nearly raped by a friend of a friend and I'd brushed it off with a casual joke during my college years. Someone pointed out I should be pissed not laughing I'd brushed it off as no big deal. We were all drunk. Well I was he was sober. It took another female friend getting upset and telling me it wasn't funny and not to laugh about it for me to admit the tiny ball of panic and self loathing I'd been feeling all day. I'd felt like I was choking and hadn't known why. Emotional's that the entire event sparked cause to cry about it. To face that I'd almost been raped my virginity had been in danger and I was making plans to hang out with the same guy friends as the night before. All because I'd said it wasn't that bad. I wasn't really raped so no big deal right? What's a dick in the mouth while your passed out drunk from drinks someone else pressured you into taking among new friends right? Right. My biggest denial mechanism is its not a bad as it could have been. I tell myself to suck it up cause there is a lot worse in the world. Shit happens. I dropped out of college just stopped going when my mom got sick this time and didn't go back. The time frame of that is blurry for me actually. I don't know which one I did first. The whole year is blurry. A shit roommate. A cat that peed on everything because she was so starved for attention that I couldn't give her because I was allergic to cats and she wasnt my fucking cat to begin with. Being trapped in my room because of the roommate situation.(it was a cat piss smelling hell for me) Meeting new people and just learning I'd have to deal with a lot of shit on my own cause no one cared for me the way I wanted/needed them to. When I got the call from my brother that my father had been doing just at bad as me I was sympathetic. Even worse actually since he'd gotten two duis in two different states and crashed his car in one. With my lease ending I lept at the chance to help him out and get my own life together at the same time. Which is what I told myself at the time but I just was tired. I was depressed and home seemed like a good idea. A part of me was hoping my mom would be there knowing she was dead was one thing. Pretending she was still in that other state waiting for me to come visit was another thing. I was in pretty deep denial. My childhood is blurry. I have three older brothers. One is only a half brother the oldest (a different father) and the other two are full blooded I guess you'd call it both older I was the youngest and only girl. There was a lot of fighting. My brothers were street despite the nice house we lived in. All three dropped out by the 10th grade. All three were in jail. Only one learned his lesson and only went once the youngest of the three. The other two were in and out. ( both are currently in) A lot of bloody fist fights between them. Some with my dad. My mom would fight them too but we all held a higher level of respect for her then my father. Dad was the enemy and I forgot why. A lot of shit I blocked out or choose to forget since well that's how children do when dealing with stressful situations. How I always learned to deal I guess. Bottle it just till you exploded. Sometimes loudly in violent and verbally abusive ways ( I know now I was a terror in hs. I thought it was normal but it wasn't I was a bully) other times quietly which ended in a lot of tears and staring over the ledges of rooftops wondering if you'd survive the fall. But here's the thing. I don't remember my dad well. All I knew of him was a bunch of empty promises, (yay trust issues) the time he took me into a bar and bought me a pickled egg making me promise not to tell my mom (I totally did), fishing trips, how well he would take care of other peoples kids, he was always letting people borrow money and a burning overwhelming dislike bordering on full blown hatred for him. I forgot why really. Time and distance did that for me. I always forgot how someone has disappointed me or hurt me with time and distance. Since I was eighteen to the time i was twenty five he and I had talked maybe a total of sixteen hours over the phone. I talked for hours almost every day with my mom. He'd send money for me but half the time it wasn't the amount he had said he would send of I'd have to pay him back that same week or send money back home to help my mom out. Money was a big thing in our family. I remembered not having a lot. My brothers said the same but they would always always have more then me in the end. Things were odd. My dad was quick to buy a brand new car for my middle brother (his first born not my older half brother) or the latest sneakers for my brothers and shit like a hundred dollar pair of pants for them but we'd never have a lot of food. My brothers had the nicest clothes but I always got food. Not that I wouldn't have liked nice clothes but shopping trips were hell to me. I was fat not super fat but chubby. My dad would constantly tell me I was too fat for the clothes I would look at. My mother didn't know how to dress me and I soon just stopped wanting to shop because I dreaded hearing I couldn't have it for this or that reason or just that I was too fat for it as soon as I picked it up. I was smart about the food. I'd only ask for stuff when we went monthly food shopping. My dad's retired military so we got paid once a month. The thing that pissed me off most was my disabled diseased as I liked to call her crippled ass mother had to work a full time job to support my family despite the extravagant spending. My mom taught me how to hide my money from my dad. We moved several times when I was younger because we suddenly couldn't afford this house or that one. But soon enough we settled. My dad developed a sense of it was him (maybe us depending on his mood) against the rest of the neighborhood. Things like that. It was weird to the younger me I would ask questions constantly and my mother's answers were always just life lessons or little ways to ignore and deal with my father/brothers but It was my mom so I listened. She was the one who taught me all women would some day be the victim or a rape. It was just the way the world was. She being the child born from a rape would know. Again weird but hey it was my mom so I took heed of her words. I was closest with my older brother. Neither he nor I were treated well. He was troubled but I was ignored. My father doted on my middle brothers and kind of just left me and my oldest brother hanging. I didn't notice it as much back then because I had my mom. Me and my oldest brother formed a team. A warped team since despite being younger he depended on me a lot. I was like the older sister or mom most the time.My oldest brother had our mom too but he was always starving for a father's approval. I was the peaceful go between. Always with reassurance and just telling him our dad loved him of course he did. I honestly didn't give a shit about my dad. I had my mom and whatever weird bond I had with my oldest brother. But still I didn't really know why I disliked my dad so much. I told myself I was older and wiser now. I'd lived on my own for eight years by then so I knew how hard it was to pay all the bills. I told myself to be more understanding about my childhood situation which I'd didn't fully understand cause I didn't even have kids and the struggle was real. I moved back in with my dad. To help him get his life together. To help out around the house as he paid his fines and drive him around since his license was suspended. He lived in the sticks of tn so he needed a car to get anything done. Things were good at first. We talked a lot. A big getting to know you moment. He bought me a new bed and furniture. I didn't have a job so I had a lot of time to dedicate to his needs and wants. Just driving him around and sleeping when I got overwhelmed and couldn't cope. I started to notice after I came a bit out of the fog he was naggy. Nothing was ever enough for him. I never did enough. I was lazy wasn't I a too fat as well? I shouldn't buy that or eat that. Get up and take him here. He drank a lot which I remembered but it was even more then before. I chalked it up to him grieving my mother's lose. It had after all only been a year. One day, or it felt like one day, I noticed I hid a lot in my room. From my naggy brother and my naggy father. It was the same thing I'd run away from. Being trapped in my own 'home'. I really began to feel trapped more and more ever day. I felt like shit and didn't know why. I slept crazy hours or didn't sleep at all. When my youngest brother and his girlfriend came over once a month to do their laundry and take over the house I hid from them too. They nagged me a lot to get a job despite not having one themselves and having a baby on the way together. I didn't do much admittedly. I just got heavier and heavier but still I drove my dad around which they wouldn't do and did almost everything he asked me to do. They yelled at me a lot or just gave me the silent treatment . Soon a silent pressure began to grow and it was lick the very air around them was always hostile. My dad seemed oblivious till I pointed it out then he would act. He'd lecture or yell at them tell them to stop making me feel that way. It was as if I was an invader and they hated me for one reason or another. Nothing I did was good enough. For my father for my brother for his girlfriend or my aunt and uncle who lived near us. Those two were a whole different story. I despised them and they hated me back. I went on food stamps because despite all the money my dad made we still never had food in the house. The first week of the month we always well he always feasted like a king i just drove, the rest of the month was borderline starving so I got the food stamps to balance it out. Jobs were hard to come by at the time. And with Obama running for president and all that being a black person in the south was pretty hard. Most the job interviews I went to had confederate flags in the windows. I'd get turned away sometimes harshly but more often with a southern sweet 'your a bit over qualified' or ' we happened to just fill the spot. Maybe next time sugah'. Things were weird. I was always stressed out and filled with a dread I couldn't explain. Calls or visit from my brother just caused fights or for me to retreat into myself. Seeing my dad stressed me out and things just weren't clear to me. Then one day (again more like a month or so) it became clear. I finally got a job and my dad bitched constanly. From the minute he crawled out of the bottle he'd fallen asleep in to the moment I left for work and got back. Most of our trips outside the house were for food to take him to the liquor store or drop him at his friends house so he could drink with them as they did drugs. He nagged all the time ' What would he do if I has a job' but of course he would come back and say he wanted me to succeed in life and I was still young so I should concentrate on me. BUT How was he supposed to get around now? It was a waste or time. I didn't know what I was doing. Blah blah blah. After not even a week I quit that job. My dad calmed down after that. The worse was the house was filthy but my room was neat never any food in my room or trash on the floor. He'd often say I was a terrible house keeper because I wouldn't clean up (after him id always clean any mess i made) The house would smell like rotting food and spoiled milk and the sour smell of vomit. Every morning I'd wake to the sound of him vomiting his liquid dinner and breakfast back up. He'd often leave food on plates and stack them in the sink till they grew mold. He'd cook and let the food spoil in the pot for the next few days. My brother would come clean it all up when he did laundry he'd get paid for it too. They'd come over more when their electric went out or the cable got turned off cause they didn't pay it instead taking trips to Florida to bathe in the sun. When he came he blamed me for the mess since I was there after all why couldn't I care for my father more. I was such a lazy daughter. Lazy lazy useless girl. Go do this or go do that. If you were a good person you'd do it. No matter how many times I asked my father not to leave things out or throw things away he'd ignore me. Fighting became a constant. I was losing the battles and the war. It happened all the time. Then one day I realized he didn't really hear a word I said. I hate corn dogs. Hed buy them for me all the times. Hed make a mistake and call me my mothers name only when i nagged him about his drinking or lack of cleaning of course. It became clear to me.He talked nicely but the mintue I said no or I didn't want to he'd blow up. So I avoided it by just doing as he asked or doing nothing at all. He'd tease how he rarely saw me since I was always 'holed up' in my room. Each time I did for myself or tried to get my life back on track he bitched till I felt like a selfish horrible child and stopped whatever action had offended him. I'd moved in with my father and lost myself to my father and brother and their demands. I was literally trapped with no place to go no money to my name and no job to speak of. So I survived. I became a yes woman. A person who just did as they were told at first. Then I just became a tired women who just did nothing. I lived in filth because that was what there was. He wouldn't clean since he wanted me too do it. But I'd be stubborn and outlast him till he had no choice but to clean. After all my room was always clean. Covered in books at time but I never stank. It was the rest of the house the other his bedroom that took up an entire floor my brothers bedroom (though he didn't live with us) the kitchen and living room that belonged to everyone but me that stank. My room which was next to the garage and didn't have heating or air conditioning in it was my oasis. No smells but old books and my own body sweat. No pressure. I could sleep all day. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all horrible. Which was the worst part I think. It was what reminded me of my childhood. The good days. Those one or two days out of the entire month that were good and you'd cling to those memories. Or I did. Even in that hot stuffy room it wasn't that bad. When I got depressed enough that my father actually paid attention he bought me a hamster to talk to. The good days were the worse for me. I'd cling to those good days and use them to forgot and ignore the bad. But the self loathing stayed. It always stayed. Like a little black cloud floating above my head. No matter how hard I laughed or how much I read it was always there. Just waiting till i was sitting up at 4 am to descend upon my thoughts and remind me of the bad days. The days he broke a promise or called me fat or made me feel so little as a person my own self worth was crippled to the point I'd drive down the highway and think about crashing the car so we'd die together as he nagged on and on about something or tried to joke to lighten my mood when I got mad just to see how much he'd like that dying with his useless lazy daughter. Or I'd speed down the highway alone free from him for and hour or two and so viciously wish I'd just drive and keep driving and never look back but not having the courage to do that. They were dark days. They still keep me up. But my own personal hell wasn't over yet. No it got worse. Much worse for me at least.