#like the whole chanting for a member is sweet and it had good intentions

[linogram]

pissing me off

[hyuniebaby]

Red

Pairings: Baekhyun x Y/N

AU: CEO!Baekhyun

Genre: smut

Warnings: choking, uhh photography??

A/N: Baekhyun’s magazine photoshoots drove me insane, so instead of writing about the fanfics I had lined up, I came up with this. Honestly, I was so lost I didn't even think what I wrote made sense. LOL 🤣 

You were pissed. You were a secretary for fuck’s sake. You weren’t supposed to be the one organizing the Anniversary Party for Privé, the company had a different department for that. But Mr. Byun shoved the responsibility to you. He’s the CEO and you were only his secretary so you had no choice but to comply.

It would’ve been fine for you only if you weren’t given a deadline for the marketing report he requested a couple of weeks ago. If the deadline for the report wasn’t supposed to be submitted literally two days after the party, you wouldn’t have been this worked up. You sighed, there was nothing you could do about it now so you continued to drink your third coffee for the day while you furiously typed for the report.

After a few hours of making the report, you looked at your watch and realized you were supposed to go to meet the caterer and discuss the details of their services for the party. You only had a few minutes left to get to their place on time. You abruptly stood up and dialed the caterer to apologize and inform them that you might be a little late. You went out of the office immediately, not bothering to inform Mr. Byun of your whereabouts.

When everything was smoothened out with the caterer, you went back to the office to continue writing your report. You haven’t reached your desk yet when Mr. Byun comes out of his room and asks where you have been. You were startled at first, not expecting him to notice your absence. He never does, anyway. If you weren’t in such a bad mood, you would have politely apologized and explained to him what came up. But you were stressed and annoyed. It didn’t help that he was there standing, looking all perfect while you looked haggard from your tasks and duties for the day.

“I had to go to the caterer for the Anniversary Party next week, Mr. Byun.” You say, trying hard not to sound annoyed. Mr. Byun noticed it anyway. He knew something was wrong when you answered because if there wasn’t, the first thing you would do is to apologize. If you weren’t in a bad mood, you would’ve been a stuttering mess too. You were always flustered when you got to see him. He was good looking after all.

He gave  you a worried glance because you looked so overworked. He wanted to tell you to take it easy, but you cut him off. “Sorry Mr. Byun, I have to get back to work.” He nods wordlessly as he goes back to his office, a small frown on his face.

The next day, Mr. Byun had dropped off coffee at your desk while you worked. You gave him a soft smile and thanked him, mood immediately lighting up with a simple act. Your smile made his heart flutter so he did that again on the next day, and then the next. You weren’t sure why, but the coffee Mr. Byun gave you always made you feel lighter, as if the stress from your work was gone. Was it the coffee or was it Mr. Byun? You didn’t know.

When the night of the party came, you were much more relaxed, knowing full well you did your best to organize such an event. You wore a red satin dress with a slit on the side and paired it with your black stilettos. Your usual tied-up hair was now in loose curls. You wore lipstick that matched the color of your dress. You’re beautiful, totally different from the zombie-like look you sported when you reported to work this week.

After this party, you’re definitely going to grab a drink at the club a few blocks from here. Maybe even try to get laid. Whatever. You needed to destress. You were almost done with the report anyway. Tonight you were going to have fun and then work on the last few figures and paragraphs on your report tomorrow.

When Mr. Byun entered the room, all eyes immediately landed on him. He wore a black suit and his hair was gelled to reveal his forehead. W-was that an undercut? You gulped. He looked intimidating and sexy. His aura exuded power and wealth. He looked delectable tonight.

Mr. Byun was talking to some of his business partners when he saw you. You looked exquisite, he thought. He always thought you were pretty, but tonight, there was something about you that made his heart skip a beat. The dress you wore also made him feel something. Red was his favorite color and finding you wear the color of passion so elegantly drove him crazy. Before he could get even more distracted by you, he goes back with the conversation he was having with his business partners, trying so hard to look unaffected by the sight of you.

You see Mr. Byun talking to a woman a few moments later. Your mood immediately sours. The woman was all over Baekhyun. It was obvious she was flirting with him. And he was letting her! But honestly, what did you expect? He looked that good and no one would pounce on him? Impossible.

You were sipping on champagne when you noticed in your peripheral view that a tall male was approaching you.

“Hi, beautiful.”

You couldn’t help but blush. Park Chanyeol was Baekhyun’s extremely good looking friend. He comes to Privé once in a while to hang out with your boss, and every time he did, he always flirted with you. You gave him a smile and greeted him, “Mr. Park.”

“You can call me Chanyeol,” he says. “So I’ve heard you made this whole event happen.”

You blushed further. It felt good to be acknowledged for something you worked hard for. You were about to answer when someone slides his arm on your waist. You were surprised to see Mr. Byun. “Oh, Mr. Byun. I didn’t notice you.”

Mr. Byun just squeezes your waist. He looks at Mr. Park. “Chanyeol.” He gives him a warning look.

“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol says with a smirk. “The party is amazing so far. I should go around and meet up with Sehun.” He turns to you and grabs your hand. He kisses your hand and says, “Good job.” With that, he left you and Baekhyun alone.

You watch as he leaves. When he’s out of your sight, you take a look at your boss. His jaw was clenched, obviously annoyed. By what? You didn’t know.

“Stop flirting with Chanyeol.” He looks at you straight in the eyes.

“I wasn’t --”

He tsks and you immediately shut up. “Follow me, darling.” He orders.

You follow him as he rides the elevator to the top floor, right where his office is. He unlocks the door and guides you inside. Before you can ask why he brought you there, he pins you to the wall. You look up to see him staring intently at you. He looked so hot like this.

His eyes were scanning your face, trying to see if you were uncomfortable with the position. He notices you momentarily looking at his lips. He smirks. You were on the same page then.

Mr. Byun cups your cheeks and leans down to kiss you fervently. You return the kiss with equal passion. His left hand grabs your waist to pull you impossibly closer. You whimper as you feel his bulge hardening. He takes this opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. His fingers dig into your waist as the kiss grows needier. His kisses made your knees weak, you had to grab his shoulders for support.

As if knowing what you were thinking, he grabs your ass and says, “Jump.” You were quick to oblige. He goes back to kissing you as he walks over to his table. When you are sitting on his table, he immediately goes to squeeze your breast. You lean into his touch. He detaches his lips from yours and leaves kisses on your neck. You moan in delight as he sucks on your sweet spot, all the while continuing to knead your breasts. When he was sure he left a hickey, he slowly pulled down the straps of your dress.

“Fuck, you didn’t wear a bra.”

You bite your lips seductively as you nod your head. You were driving him so, so crazy. The sight of you spread on his table, looking so desperate made him so hard.

He dives right into your chest as he sucks on your nipple while his right hand attends to the other boob. Your hands fly to his hair. You hear him moan as you tug his hair. The sound instantly makes you wetter.

“S-sir, please…”

“Please what, baby?”

“I want you in me. I need you in me.” You beg.

“Strip.” He demands.

You quickly remove your dress and your thongs. You leaned into his table, spreading your legs open to show him your desire.

“You look so good like this.” He growls. He approaches you slowly while grabbing something in his back pocket. Your eyes widened when he showed his phone. “Baby girl, can I?”

You were so lost in lust that you find yourself agreeing. He starts taking pictures of you all spread out for him. After a few shots, he goes back to kissing you. Without warning, he plunges his finger into your cunt. You moan out loud. He watches you contort your face in pleasure. He slides in another finger. You haven’t been touched for so long that the sensation was too overwhelming for you. You didn’t know when you closed your eyes, but you heard camera shutters so when you opened your eyes, you found Baekhyun with his eyes furrowed, taking photos of his fingers going in and out of your cunt. He looked so sexy, you couldn’t help but clench on his fingers.

“S-sir, please fuck me.” You moan.

His eyes snap to you at your request. He removes his fingers from your pussy and sucks on it while maintaining eye contact. He then removes his clothes until he’s naked in front of you. Your eyes roam from his eyes to his neck, abs, and finally on his big fat cock.

He lines himself at your entrance and slams his member into you. You claw at his back as he roughly thrusts into your core. “You’re so good to me, baby.” He moans.

He lifts your legs to his shoulders as he pounds into you. The new position helps him reach your g spot. You moan out loud. “That’s right, baby. Moan for me. Let Chanyeol know you belong to me.” His sinful words turned you on.

You can’t stop chanting his name, he felt so good. He was hitting you in all the right places. Within minutes, you feel the tightening of a familiar knot. He can sense that you were nearing your release with the way your cunt was clenching. You look at each other, desperate to climax. Before you could even think twice, you say, “Choke me, daddy.”

You watch as his eyes darken. He lost his pace when he heard your words. You watch as he places his hands on your neck and squeezes it, your eyes rolling to the back as he slams into you more urgently.

When Baekhyun releases his grip on your neck, you feel the rush. Everything felt so intense. “I’m about to c-cum.” You say breathlessly.

Baekhyun nods and thrusts into you at a faster pace. You could feel him twitching in you. “Come in me, daddy.” You say before he could pull out. He gulps and nods. You were driving him crazy, he didn’t know how you knew exactly what he wanted. Within minutes, you were coming. You moan out loud as you feel your release oozing out. Baekhyun follows soon after.

You were both breathing heavily after. Baekhyun pulls out and you can’t help but whimper. He pecks your lips and grabs tissues on his desk. He cleans you up and you smile gratefully at him. He helps you dress up and you help him button his suit.

“Thank you, darling.” He whispers. He kisses you on the lips and you can’t help but melt into him. Your heart was racing. You could feel butterflies on your stomach.

When he pulls away, he rests his forehead on yours and looks deeply into your eyes. You weren’t expecting what he said next, “Will you go on a date with me?”

You blush. You’ve been harboring feelings for your boss and this time he finally made a move. You smile softly at him as you say, “Yes.”

He smiles so widely, his eyes crinkling. He looked much more attractive like this. You couldn’t help but reciprocate the smile.

“I think you should thank Chanyeol. I doubt you’d ever make a move if it weren’t for him.” You tease him before going back to the party. You laugh as you heard him grunt behind you, because what you said was true.

[peakascum]

LACHESISM

Lachesism: n. the desire to be struck by disaster—to survive a plane crash, to lose everything in a fire, to plunge over a waterfall—which would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life, and forge it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and the other.

Your skin went pale from the moment you met Tatiana. Her brown eyes seemed dull, the kind that would feign warmth but lacked depth, and the curve of her mouth always sported a menacing grin. From what you understood, your disguise was to be the Shelby’s whore, accompanying John while Tommy stuck to Tatiana’s side. The plan was simple, distract them all and get the combination for their safe. Easy enough. But she was no fool, she knew the game you were playing, and she would have her fun. 

The Russians guided you through the party and into a private room, away from the fucking and men’s hungry eyes. You knew very well why Tommy picked you to go undercover. Your body was unmatched, one that attracted men and women alike. Your face stone-like, making you an excellent shapeshifter to any danger that presented itself. It usually worked, unless it came to your husband, and Tatiana knew this from the moment she lay her eyes on you. 

“Just behave and don’t let your eyes linger.” John whispered carefully whilst guiding you through the rooms.

“Don’t tell me what to do.” You bit back.

“Don’t be fuckin’ stubborn, this is Russian busin-“

“This is Russian business, Y/N. Keep your mouth shut, Y/N. Don’t fuck this up, Y/N,” you inhaled sharply and peered at him through your lashes, “I know how this is played, John.”

He looked at you with an amused grin, brow quirked and a cocky smirk. You were tough, tougher than most, but he got worried. More so when your relationship had been sour for a couple of weeks.You were tough, yes, but knew that you didn't stand a chance with that temper of yours. Everyone knew your sweet nature could be threatened at any moment by your temper. Your temper bubbled up inside of you and could topple over with just a wrong look or a threatening glance. 

However, in the midst of threatening clouds that hung around the business and lurked between the walls of the Shelby household, your marriage started crumbling in a most tedious manner. Harsh words were said, tables were flipped, and a memory of your cowering frame penetrated John’s mind. It racked his brain for weeks on repeat. The incessant chime of the clock, the empty space in your bed, and the hurtful insults danced around his mind like a religious chant. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,’ he thought. 

As you approached the secluded room, John offered his arm silently and you complied. His figure was rigid and his feet determined. You were acting as a whore, but he couldn't bare the thought of mistreating you, not after last time. Oh, the shame. The shame he felt peering at your heartbroken eyes as he directed his rage towards you. But this was no place to reconcile, it was business and the Russians were dangerous. 

You sat at the wooden table with John and Arthur by your side. The rest of the chairs occupied by Tommy, Tatiana and various Russians. “I’m sorry, have we met?” She asked suddenly, quieting the room. You stared directly at her playing along, “I can’t say we have, I don’t usually attend these sort of things.” 

Her icy stare bore into your skull. John’s breathing got deeper. Tommy’s eyes remained still, “All right, well, she’s the whore, yeah? How about we-“

“You look too well fed to be whore,” she cut him off, her eyes remaining on you. “I’m very sought after,” you replied. “You're very sought after,” she taunted, “yet you've never been brought to one fo these.” You smiled politely, “I don’t usually get acquainted with Russians.”

She got up from her seat slowly ignoring Tommy’s pleas for her to sit down. “No Tommy,” she said as she sat herself atop the table between you and John, “she’s never had the pleasure to attend. Rookies need hazing.” 

She swung her legs back and forth with the rhythm of jazz in the background, a song you could not identify, but a melody you would never forget. Her hand slowly caressed your husband’s face, making your eyes fall onto your lap. “No, no,” she tutted grabbing your cheeks with her other hand and twisting it so you you were looking at John, “a sought after whore does not shy away, does she?” She knew. 

John’s breathing got deeper as her hand played with the seem of his pants. “A good whore knows how to arouse a man.” Arthur and Tommy looked at each other nervously. In a matter of minutes this could all go to shit. If John’s temper was bad, yours was worse. 

She undid his pants and took his dick out, in front of you and the whole table, all the while holding your face firmly in her other hand. John was unable to look at you, cheeks red and eyes blank. Her hands moved up and down on his member, making his breathing ragged and your heart break in two. 

“I’m getting bored, yeah?” Tommy started, “Why don’t-” Tatiana cut him off quickly, “Why don’t I what,Tommy?” She giggled. “I’m just teaching your whore how to play.”

“I’m not his whore.” You said through gritted teeth and eyes pooled with tears. The room was suffocating. John whimpered at the sensation, but his eyes remained on yours. How odd, they both thought. Between the most uncomfortable situation they had encountered, and by far the most painful, their eyes whispered their apologies and a million I love you’s. 

Suddenly and without warning, your eyes displayed a threatening stare, another one of your masks. They snarled at John, he furrowed his brows. “You're enjoying yourself, aye?” You asked, shaking your head out of Tatiana’s grip. “I beg your-“

“I think I made myself,” you stopped to halt her hand from once again making their way to grip your face, “perfectly clear, Duchess.” She laughed and looked at the others for support. “Y/N,” Tommy intervened, “why don’t you get us a couple of drinks.” He lit a cigarette, eyes trained pon you, begging eyes. “Why don’t you get them yourself Thomas?” You spit back. 

She laughed, “So it has a name.”

“It does,” you chuckled from your seat, “it also doesn't need a crash course on how to pleasure her husband.”

In a split second you drew your gun and pointed it at her head, causing her hands to stop her movements and everyone else to point their guns at you.  

“You couldn't be satisfied enough with one Shelby.” 

“Where’s the fun in that?” She fired back smirking. She wasn't scared.

“You hear that Tom,” you cocked your gun, “you couldn't meet the fucking Duchess’ needs.” She wasn't scared, but neither were you. 

“All right, yeah, all right Y/N. Lower the gun.” Tommy spoke, arms raised in an attempt to sooth you. You looked at him, wild eyed, face flushed. 

“Y/N, lower the fucking gun.” John spoke shakily. “He speaks! Of course, now he does. Got your moment of pleasure,” you pointed your gun at him, “got your wife all riled up for the sake of attention.”

“Y/N!” Arthur screamed at you, unable to understand your intentions. He knew what John did was awful and that your temper was not to be messed with, but would you shoot John? 

Your hand faltered for a second unable to calculate your next move clearly. One of the men twisted your arm, making your weapon fall and a shriek escape your lips. The room shifted in the most obscure atmosphere. In seconds you were on your knees, hands held to your back and a gash on your left brow. Tatiana tutted as she made her way towards you. 

“Silly whore thinking she could play with the big, bad boys.” She took out her gun and nudged your lips open, inserting the pistol into your mouth. “In my country we handle misbehaved girls like you by putting a whole through their skull.” Tears threatened to escape as blood covered half your face.

“Put the gun down and let her go.” Tommy said slowly approaching but only earned a giggle his way. “Put the fuckin’ gun down or I swear-“

“What?” She cut him off, “You’ll shoot me?”

As John retreated his gun you mumbled something just above a whisper, barely audible, muffled by the barrel of the gun that thrusted in your mouth. “What’s that, darling?” Tatiana mocked. You muffled something back. 

She retired her gun slowly without breaking eye contact. “I said,” your eyes hardened, “I’m a soldier too.”

“I don’t- I don’t get it what are you say-“

“I’m a wife,” you cut her off, “a mother, a whore, and a soldier. Everything you are not, everything you so desperately try to be.” Her eyes faltered with insecurity. “I wear different masks to trick fools like you, Duchess.”

The first gunshot went off outside of the room causing a commotion between the traces of white powder and vodka infused bodies. Tommy chuckled quietly from the other end, “Ah fuck, they’re quite early.” 

“Who's fuckin’ early? What the fuck did you do Tommy?” John waved the gun through the air, face red and nostrils flared.

“I know your game well. I understand your irking desire for lachesism, the thrill of it all, the sudden need to grind a kink to an otherwise boring life. So tell me, Duchess, how have you been so careless and foolish to not notice that I too play the same games as you?”

Tommy made his way over to you slowly, “The codes for your life, Tatiana.”

“Tom-“

“The codes for your fuckin’ life,” John said pointing the gun to her chest. He had no fucking clue what his wife had been up to. He knew of her cunning ways of getting information, a soldier indeed. 

“In a matter of”, you paused to look at the grandfather clock that stood behind her, “five minutes the bombs will go off in every corner of this house and a bullet will be placed in each of your heads, just like the ones that littered members of your family all those years ago.”

She looked at you wild eyed. “Yes Tatiana, I read the news.”

John made a brief eye contact with his wife in a bid to silently question her actions. She smiled, he felt warm. His wife was on the spectrum where fantasy meets reality, right on the verge of insanity. He loved it- loved her. His gun cocked in unison to the shots that raged outside the door and looked at the trembling Russian before him. 

“The codes for your life, Duchess.”

[kimjoongs]

against the current ; k.ys

pairing yeosang x reader

genre skater boy au, rock band au, fluff

word count 1.3k

warning(s) explicit language

taglist @yunwoo @toffee-hwa @atinykidult @s1ardusk @seongghwaa

dia’s note inspired by this edit i made, also thanks to ana for peer pressuring me into this :’) and anna for giving me the rock band wooyoung idea :’))

synopsis perhaps skater boy was a little bit in love with you. that’s okay because you were perhaps a little bit in love with him too.

The clock on your phone read 5:00 p.m. on the dot. Tucking the device back in the pocket of your hoodie (actually, it was his hoodie), you watched on with a fond smile, falling back to lean on the palms of your hands. 

The faint outline of Yeosang’s figure whizzed past you, wind tickling the exposed skin on your legs. Echoing down the empty, vast plane of the skatepark were the rattling sounds of the skateboard, wheels gliding along the chilled concrete. Their clickety-clackety sounds were a familiar comfort to you, reminiscent of a train chugging down the tracks—a beacon of nostalgia and a place that was like home to you.

He was like home to you.

Tugging the hood over your head, you hauled yourself up off the ground and made your way towards the metal railing, just next to the half-pipe. Yeosang paid you no mind, too focused on not eating shit as he went up the ramp, suspending himself in the air for a moment, before gracefully gliding back down and repeating the process over again.

You never got tired of watching him. In fact, the more you watched Yeosang skate the more entranced you were. Unlike him, you had no coordination on a board whatsoever; you were lucky to be able to just stand on the thing, let alone actually move along with it. So it was always a treat for you whenever you had the chance to witness Yeosang in his element, taking control of the skateboard and wielding it under his feet as if it were a weapon, streaking across metal railings and drifting on curved concrete. Other than the band, you’ve never seen Yeosang enjoy himself so much.

Speaking of which…

“Hey skater boy!” you called out. “Let’s go, you’re late!”

Yeosang paused, glancing over from where he stood atop the half-pipe. He flashed you an angelic smile, making your heart skip a beat as he came down, planting his feet firmly on the ground and stopping right in front of you. He tugged his red beanie off, beach blonde hair messily framing his flushed face. You reached over and gently brushed his bangs away with the sleeve of your—his—hoodie, laughing softly when Yeosang tilted his head up, booping his nose against the curve of your wrist.

“Have fun?” you asked, bringing your hand back down. 

“Yeah, thanks, I really...I really needed this,” he said breathlessly, bending down and picking the skateboard up, tucking it under his arm. With his other, he threw it around your shoulder and pulled you close, leading you out of the skatepark.

“Good, ‘cause now Wooyoung’s gonna chew my ass out for making you late,” you snorted.

“I mean, it’s quite a walk to the venue, and we’re never gonna get there quick enough if we just walk.” Yeosang shrugged nonchalantly, trying and failing to keep the rising smirk off his face. You raised an eyebrow, freezing in your tracks and stepping away from his hold.

“What are you implying?”

Yeosang’s smirk widened, eyes drifting down to the board in his hands, and that’s when it clicked. Immediately, you whipped around and began fast-walking down the street, ignoring your boyfriend’s mirthful laughter as he jogged to catch up with you.

“Oh, c’mon–”

“Yeosang, I am not riding that thing.”

“Why–”

You threw him a look over your shoulder, unamused at the bouts of giggles bursting through his lips. Yeosang wasn’t stupid—he knew the reason why, but that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy seeing you squirm about it every now and then.

He finally caught up to you, steps slowing down as he grabbed onto your hand and slipping his fingers between yours. You pretended not to notice the way your skin flared up at the sudden gesture. Instead, you buried your face in the collar of the hoodie, relaxing as the familiar scent of lavender and sandalwood permeated your senses.

“I’ll hold your hand the whole time if it makes you feel better–ack!” Yeosang yelped when you firmly elbowed him in the side.

“Are you kidding me? I told you to be here by five, and it’s almost fifteen minutes past. Yeosang, I swear if you didn’t need your hands today I would’ve fucking broken them by now.” Wooyoung jabbed Yeosang’s chest with his finger, brows furrowed in frustration and lips downturned in a disappointed pout. His long, black hair was tied back into its usual ponytail, but loose strands were sticking out—most likely due to Wooyoung’s habit of running his hands through his hair. From where you sat on the leather couch, an amused snicker left your lips.

You regretted it almost instantly as Wooyoung’s attention was now brought on you, and you braced yourself.

“Y/n, don’t even get me started on–”

“Wooyoung,” Yunho sighed tiredly, coming up behind his fellow bandmate and placing his hand on Wooyoung’s shoulder. “We’re on in five, get ready. You can yell at them later.”

No sooner did the words leave Yunho’s lips came Jongho stumbling into the room, headset resting crookedly upon his face. 

“What are you all still doing here? The fans are waiting, let’s go!” He gestured hurriedly. 

The others quickly followed suit, each of them picking up their respective instruments; Wooyoung with his bass, Mingi and Yunho with their guitars, San with his mic (his keyboard was already set up on stage), and Yeosang with his drumsticks. You trailed along behind them, chest vibrating at the sheer noise coming from the crowd as you neared the stage. 

Once they were behind the wings, the boys went into a huddle, wrapping their arms around each other’s shoulders. You stayed back and gazed at them with a soft smile on your face, occasionally taking a peek through the curtains. Compared to other venues, this one was significantly less substantial in terms of space and audience number, but the screams and shouts of support from the crowd definitely rivaled those of bigger venues. 

The boys finished their huddle with a simple chant, and almost immediately, the stage lights dimmed, causing the audience to scream even louder (if that were even possible). You sat back on one of the crates, heart racing as you watched Wooyoung run on stage, followed by Mingi, Yunho, and San. But instead of going along with them, Yeosang swiftly turned around and strode over to you.

Your expression fell into one of confusion. “Yeosang, what are you–”

You didn’t get the chance to finish your sentence before Yeosang’s lips connected with yours. His free hand, the one that wasn’t holding his drumsticks, tenderly cupped your face, thumb gently stroking your cheek. The kiss was delicate and warm, like a single flutter of a butterfly’s wing on your lips, and it was just so like Yeosang you couldn’t help but tug him even closer.

“Hey Yeo! If you’re done sucking face, we need you out here! Don’t make me come back there and drag you,” Wooyoung announced into his mic, rolling his eyes as the other members glanced at each other, grinning widely.

A laugh bubbled out from your lips and you pulled away, resting your forehead against Yeosang’s. His eyes were open and peering intently into your own, causing your face to flare up once again. You pushed your hand against his chest.

“Go,” you urged. “Don’t give Wooyoung another reason to yell at us for.”

Yeosang didn’t move away for a second, but then he surged forward once more, planting a sweet kiss to your forehead. 

“Cheer for me, yeah?” he breathed.

“Always.”

[partyinthemysterymachine]

On Purpose

Harry wiped his hands on the dish towel. He leaned back on the kitchen counter and took his time rubbing his fingers dry, pushing the damp terrycloth fabric into the webbing, and rotating it over his knuckles. There was a man seated at the table that he wanted to watch fiddle with his smartphone. It’s been three years since they got home, took off their jackets, and packed them away into a box that went directly into the furthest corner of the closet. Those three years have been a hell of a bumpy hayride for the Mason family of two and the Sunderland of one. Honestly, Harry wouldn’t trade it for anything.

His hands were clean and dry. He tossed the bunched up towel back and forth, and inclined his head. “You good over there, babe?”

The wrinkle of his nostril answered that question. Harry smiled wide and warm. “What’s got you in a tizzy now?”

“I think I deleted my email,” James mumbled, distracted. “I dunno what I did.”

“You deleted your email,” the aging patriarch repeated, dumping the terrycloth on the granite top island. “From your phone or from forever?”

“Phone first, forever second,” he replied, the frown wrinkling his brow deepening. Harry strolled over and bent over the back of the chair, laying his arms around James’s neck. He tucked his dark head against the side of the one of blond and snuggled into his lover’s pale, and perpetually cold skin. James’s head was forced to tip to the side by the enthusiasm of his partner’s lion-like nuzzle, yet he had no intent to fight it. From there, Harry observed his frustrated swiping and fumbling.

He pressed a little kiss to James’s cheek and extended his arm, pointing at the phone. “Hold up, stop stop,” Harry spoke against him. “Go into setti— no, babe, go back. .. go back.. okay. Scroll down to ‘Mail.’” James felt the little frown pressed into his face. It caused his own to bear a soft smile. “Uh.. scroll back up. .. scroll down? Uh.. okay, what the hell did you do with— hang on.”

James patiently did as he was told while Harry patted his legs, then maneuvered his phone out of his pocket. All the while, he chose to tuck his face into James’s neck. Then he sighed and nuzzled up on his partner’s cheek again, wrapping his arms around him to hold the device out for both of them to see. “Okay. Let’s see here.”

He wasn’t so sure if he’d get over the strange initial discomfort he got when Harry unlocked his phone to a picture of Heather trapping James in a bear hug. She got caught mid-laugh, and he noticeably embarrassed, though his shy smile and the affectionate way he looked up over the camera at the person behind it always settled that discomfort pretty quickly. James liked that memory a lot, though getting to have it as a visual memory meant even more. He wondered, as he often did, if Harry knew what he’d captured.

It’s the little things that mean the most.

The picture was only there for a second, the settings menu being all there was to see now. Harry lifted his chin a little off his shoulder, moving the phone a little further down. “Maybe I should have my reading glasses for this.”

“Then go get them.”

“No. I don’t wanna move.”

“Put your accessibility settings at AARP member.”

Harry incredulously inclined his head, staring at his boyfriend’s profile. “Excuse me?” he inquired a younger man whose deadpan wasn’t holding up like it used to. James tried to withhold his smile, but it was no use; the only thing he could hold back was his laugh. A partial grin crept onto Harry’s face. “That voice sounds like James, but what I’m really hearing is Heather.”

It was war to keep the smile from becoming a full blown grin, but there’d be no sure victory from trying to keep it out of his words. “You might want to call an audiologist, then. Or tell your psych. You saying that worries me a little, Harry.”

James flinched and uttered an ‘ow!’ from the righteous flick at his ear. “Stop hanging out with Heather. She’s a bad influence on you.”

He leaned slightly to the side to look at handsome tyrant-in-training at his shoulder. “Why? She just says what we’re all thinking.”

“You’re a brat,” Harry told him matter-of-factly. “And she’s a brat. And he’s a brat - we’re all brats, hey!” he chanted under his breath at his ear, making James shake his head and return his attention to their little project. There were many reasons why he and Heather liked to complain about Harry, and this ranked in the top twenty of the endless list. “Okay, so,” the middle aged annoyance continued, “you should have ‘mail’ here under ‘passwords and accounts,’ and that kind of shit just doesn’t up and disappear, so.. what’d you do with it?”

“I don’t know, Harry,” James replied. “I thought it’d be a fun prank to see what I could delete from this phone and forgot to consider that I might not be able to get it back.”

“Look at you, Mister Technology Wiz,” Harry mocked. “I knew you were smarter than you let on.”

“I like to keep you guessing. It gives me a sense of superiority.”

“Wow, no shit?” He smiled at the soft chuckle from the former conduit and pecked another kiss on his cheek. “Okay. Restart your phone. If it’s still fucked up we can take it in to the Apple store and get it checked out. If you somehow unintentionally jailbreaked your phone, I’m gonna fucking die laughing.”

James held the appropriate buttons and watched the screen blacken. “Okay. Still want the cookie jar, or did you change your mind?”

“Nah, still married to the cookie jar idea,” he confirmed. “Just put it on somewhere on the counter to horrify guests when they come over.”

The phone lit up and James punched in his passcode. “We’ll keep it unsealed and put some cookies in for you to munch on in the afterlife.”

“Oh, James,” Harry sighed dramatically, smiling down at the picture he’d chosen as his wallpaper. It was a simple snapshot of Harry’s work desk. The yellow lamp light illuminated his spread of books, papers, and his open, but dark laptop, and cast dark yet peaceful shadows where they were meant to be. He’d known about that picture for a while. James has had it since he learned how to set a custom wallpaper on the same day he got the phone. Every time Harry saw it since, he nearly burst with the strain of resisting the urge to drown his boyfriend in kisses. “It’s like you know me.”

It’s the little things that mean the most.

“Not willingly.”

“Preaching to the choir. Okay, let’s see what you’ve got now.”

James leaned his head on Harry’s for the rest of their futile tinkering. Eventually he checked out of the the whole business and nudged his forehead to Harry’s warmth. He smiled ever so softly at the gentle caress on his neck from Harry’s heavy hand, and the kiss planted on his brow that followed. His eyes slid closed when it became evident that Harry had decided to work with one hand and left the other where it’d landed, lazily brushing sweet touches over his throat and behind his ear.

There was no solution to the email problem, and they’d both lost interest in it awhile ago. Now Harry folded his left arm across James’s chest, holding the sleeping phone to his shoulder as he combed his fingers up through blond hair that no longer smelled of lake water. He nestled his nose into the plainly styled cut and closed his eyes. James, in general, was a plain young man; always had been, always will be.

He loved that about him.

The dull thunk of the smartphone being set on the table didn’t affect him. In fact, he smiled so blissfully when James’s cool hands loosely found a place clasping his arm and hand that nearly all the lines of age on his face deeply creased. James felt it in his hair how happy that smile was. He loved to see it. He loved to feel it. It made his heart do Olympic gold medalist acrobatics, as it did now knowing it was there at all.

But lately within the last year, while his heart still leapt with joy to see that genuinely adoring smile on a daily basis (truly, he couldn’t recall a day where he didn’t see Harry beam like that at some point), he’d realized how many more lines there were. February had passed a few months ago. Harry’d turned fifty-three this year. And no, it wasn’t that he thought fifty-three was anywhere near being a senior. James had trouble explaining it to himself. All he knew is that his heart had begun to hurt while it celebrated seeing that look on Harry’s face.

The hurt was different than the way it hurt because he was loved, and because James loved him, too.

He idly stroked his thumb back and forth on Harry’s hand. The pressure against his head meant another kiss. James reached up and took Harry by the back of the neck, pulling him down as he tilted his head to get a proper kiss out of him for once.

You can’t say that to me, Harry! James had angrily spat at him at the time. I don’t want to hear it! Okay?! Just don’t— even start to even fucking think it—

Why? implored the distraught, heartbroken man. Why can’t I say I love you? I’ve said it before, James, and if you really want me to I won’t say it again, but I’m just— I’m trying to— I just want to understand why—

Because I can’t fucking hear it. I can’t fucking hear it from you. It drives me fucking insane.

But.. why?

His shivering, barely beating heart had sunk like an anchor from the pure agony that dripped from that simple word. Why? Why, he’d dare to ask? Why? James had hated that question from Harry Mason since day one. Today, that goddamn question made him burn so red hot that he wished that Red Pyramid Thing would come along and skewer him right through.

Because I don’t want to fucking hear it, Harry!

James had suddenly lost all that fury in a single breath. In one swift blow, he’d murdered a tired man who he’d caught smiling at him countless times already; who liked to take his hand and kiss his fingers; who liked to talk to him even though he had no obligation to respond; who fought with him, for him, and had almost given his far more precious life for his safety; a man that held him just because he wanted to.

I just.. I can’t take how sincere you are when you say it, he’d tried to explain, as weak and deflated as Harry looked. It’s like you really mean it, and—

I do really mean it. I love you. I don’t think I can even apologize for it.

But you shouldn’t, Harry, James had protested. You really, really shouldn’t. I can’t have it. I can’t deal with it.

Why shouldn’t I? the grief-stricken author had asked. Is it because of what you are? Is it because of what you did? Because of how depressed and hopeless you are, how sometimes you’re barely functional and a drag and kind of a shitty person and you hate yourself so goddamn fucking much that you can’t imagine why anyone would even care enough about you to pick a piece of lint off your shoulder? Is that why?

The had words hit home, and from Harry, wounded and shamed him to the point that he’d pathetically hung his head and stared at the floor.

“Sorry we couldn’t figure out the case of the missing mail,” Harry slurred on James’s parted lips. “Maybe we can ask Heather to figure it out later.”

A smile and a light breath from the other man was caught between another slow kiss. “You find a new way to disappoint me every day.”

“I have to get creative.” Harry’s palm pressed firmly into the back of his lover’s head to briefly strengthen their kiss. “Because I know you like it.” His nose was often described as a beak for the way it curved, and James thought it handsome, especially when it touched his own sloped one in what was known as an Eskimo kiss. “And what sort of bullshit would that be to disappoint you for me being unable to find a new way to disappoint you?”

That’s just too fucking bad, James. I’d say sorry to disappoint you, but I’m really not fucking sorry at all.

“Mm. But wouldn’t that have been a new way to disappointment me?”

“Oh, shit.”

What do you think this is? Tell me honestly, really, I’m very interested to know what you think. Because I’m going to tell you my side of things, so listen up, okay? This is not going the first or last time I’m gonna tell you this, either. I’ll say it every goddamn hour and every fucking day for the rest of my life even if you ever start to believe me. I’ll say it until the sun goes down for the last time and even then I’ll figure out a way to keep saying it to you.

Are you listening?

“Mmhmm.”

I love you. I am choosing to love you, because loving you is something I want to experience no matter the outcome. That’s it. Full stop. I know what you are. I know what you’ve done. I know who you are, even just a little bit, and I swear to fucking god, James, I love you. I’m not brushing off all the bad shit you’ve done or what kind of monster you think you are. You’ve done some pretty terrible stuff. I’m not forgetting that.

But even knowing that, even despite that, I have seen it for myself that you want to hear me say it. I hear it when you say my name. I feel it when you do something as little and thoughtless like grabbing my sleeve, Harry’s voice then broke and thickened, trembled with the beginning sobs of a desperate, begging heart. James covered his eyes behind his hand and had tried to clench his jaw to beat back an intense, once-foreign feeling that wouldn’t allow itself to be repressed any longer.

Harry loudly hummed and encased James in a strong bear hug about his shoulders as best he could from behind him. James’s exaggerated groan that sounded a lot more irritable than he actually was, which was not at all, got somewhat stifled against the author’s hairy, meaty forearm. His older boyfriend then transformed his hum’s pitch to match his groan, and together they raised their voices, swiftly building a challenging crescendo, a duel of lung capacity and stamina.

You never have to say it aloud, James. I know. You tell me all the time. You tell me all the time and yet you still think you don’t deserve to feel that way or have anyone give a rat’s ass about you. I love you because you’re you. I’m aware of everything you are and did and all that crap, and I love you.

Do you fucking understand me, James Sunderland?

James won the battle.

Harry forfeited with grace and maturity. Of course, that meant that when James decided he’d like to get up, the Mason patriarch used his bulky weight and strength to try to keep him in the chair and make it as difficult as possible for James to escape.

“Get— ugh, Harry! Get off me. Come on, don’t be a sore loser.” That groan he emitted at Harry’s decision to tighten his arms was a mite more sincerely annoyed than the last time. “God, come on. Why are you such a pain in the fucking ass—“

“Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

Disgust distorted his face as the fact sank in that such a well-respected piece of ancient wisdom got turned into a crude double entendre. “Oh, aw, what the fuck— that’s gross, Harry. And blasphemous. And before you say it, yeah yeah, pot calling kettle black, whatever, don’t wanna hear it, I know, now let me up, old man.”

“Mm, mean, but not yet,” Harry both scolded and vetoed with a kiss to his ear. James sighed and sank his bodyweight onto the chair, still holding his boyfriend’s arm in both hands. He dropped his head the slightest bit back onto Harry’s soft shoulder.

He was wearing that cable knit sweater he’d gotten him last Christmas. It was a handsome, rusty orange, like if autumn were a color. Heather had laughed and called it a ‘dad sweater.’ Even though Harry agreed with her, and James sheepishly acknowledged the accuracy though he hadn’t intentionally chosen it with that in mind, he had actually blushed when Harry pulled off the navy blue he wore and donned himself in knitted fall.

Do you fucking understand me?

Harry wore that sweater often.

James smiled.

He didn’t reply.

“Hey. Harry.”

Listen to me again, James:

“Mm?” he mumbled on his pretty, pale neck.

I am choosing to love you. Because loving you is something I want to experience no matter the outcome. You need to internalize that. Someday, I want you to believe it.

“I love you.”

I want you to believe that you are so goddamn worthy and deserving of my love. I’m going to love you, or die trying.

James closed his eyes to soak in the emotional, radiant smile against his skin, and tightly squeezed Harry’s forearm to try to replicate the fiercely adoring way he wrapped him up in his embrace, even though the couldn’t at the moment hold him like he wanted to.

Everything I do, James - protecting you, caring for you, loving you, I do it all, and I do it fucking all--

“On purpose?”

His eyes opened, his head turned, and lake greens met deep, earthy browns. James loved the color of Harry’s eyes; perhaps even more than Harry claimed to love the color of his, too.

It’s the little things that mean the most.

“On purpose.”

[jae-canikeepyou]

| new years | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: fluff

a/n: first oneshot of 2020! happy new year! 🎉this scenario is inspired by high school musical because i’m a sucker for the trilogy like jaehyun is~😉 haha i do hope you enjoy reading! ~j ✨

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“it’s the new year’s eve y/n! you didn’t come here to be a bookworm!” siyeon pushed you that your body was inclined towards her. it was an annual tradition where your squad would go to the young adult party at the ski resort. since siyeon was a member, bringing in two more people would have a discount during the stay.

walking up the hill, your steps made the snow crunching rich with your calf-high boots. siyeon and heejin shared a look at you, and wondered that even with your goggles, nothing would ever stop you from reading. they guided you by pulling on your jacket sleeve, directing and redirecting the way to avoid obstruction.

it was a good thing they didn’t consider you a person of kill joy, because once you were off the wordful thick texts, you were actually the mood maker of the trio. “let me just finish this before the year ends. it’ll be my twentieth novel.” you said, eyes glued on the faint-burnt paper.

they sat you in between them on the cable car, pulling the lever down and fastening your seat belts tight. “ah.. i love how the cold wind hits into my face. reminds me how winter will always be my favourite season, and skiing? my sport.” heejin placed her goggles on her forehead, breathing in the entirety of the wind.

“i’ll be going with snowboarding.” siyeon flung her hands in the air and the car shook. you, having the fear of heights ultimately stopped you from continuing the story plot. “what about you y/n?”

“siyeon you’re moving too much!” you pinched her cheeks with your little damped gloves.

she side-eyed you for an answer, and you puckered your lips in defeat as put your book inside your jacket. “snowboarding as well.”

“sweet.” she fistbumped you and you did the same. the cable car was approaching to the end and as you got off, a group of boys caught everyone’s attention with their voices, yelling in so much hyperactiveness at the golden hour.

they all huddled in a circle, chanting some words before separating into their respective teams. were they a sports team of some kind?

you and your girls queued to get the equipment and began to suit up. the foot rest on the board was quite loose for your size, but you didn’t bother since it was going to be fastened with the belt strap. for some reason, you had a hard time bending forward to tighten the footing. a flush of regret flowed your body when the book somehow prevented you from going forward.

a sigh escaped your mouth and a figure knelt in front of you. “do you need help?” his deep yet honey voice warmed you from the cold you felt.

“y-yeah.” you replied, avoiding his gaze behind those goggles attached to upper part of his face. one thing that attracted you to guys was their smile. but this dude just inches apart from you already sent hearts flying everywhere.

oh what the.. he has cute dimples..

he has the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen. the pearly whites of his was equivalent to the snow beneath him and his small/airy chuckle got your heart beating fast. seeing this ethereal human being made you think that this was how love at first sight must feel like.

everything behind him blurred as if a camera was to adjust its focus to the subject, and a video recorder slowing the pace just so that you could observe him closely.

he waved at you, cutting you off of the short-term trance. “are you okay? is it too tight?” he tilted his head that he aligned his eye-level to yours.

“it’s fine. thank you.” you smiled and took his hand, offering to help you up.

“dude! we’re all waiting!” a voice called him from afar, and he looked back at you again with those cute dimples.

“i’ll catch you later? you’ll be in the resort club right?” he asked, pointing at the building opposite from where you were standing.

trying to balance yourself on the board, your lips utter shy words soft enough only for him to hear. “if i could return the favour by getting you a dessert?”

he pushed to slide himself downhill and waved at you. “as long as it’s green tea or vanilla ice cream! i’ll see you at 2300!”

your chest tightened at the fact he smoothly asked you out—kind of, or maybe that was what you want to take it as. heejin nudged you from behind, whistling and humming away like one would tease the other.

siyeon soon joined the call and they both circled-hop around you. they giggled at the sight of you, all flustered and blushy.

“so is he the one finally matched with some ideal fictional guy?” heejin hugged your torso with her lips all puckered, to show and prove that you were in love.

“i haven’t seen most of his face!” you butt back. “so i don’t know if he fits the ‘ideal’.”

“really y/n?” siyeon chuckled in good disbelief, shoving her phone out from her pockets. “troy bolton is everyone’s childhood crush, but your smile towards dimple guy isn’t a simple ‘i don’t know’. there’s something more to it~”

you nodded in agreement as your fingers pointed and shook repetitively. you were more in good disbelief than she was and heejin will for sure add on stronger words to your vulnerable, giddy, happy heart.

“last one at the finish line will get the shared bed!” you went downhill with a long cheer, but enough for the two to follow immediately.

the snow ground slowly marked with straight and curvy lines from the equipments in contact. your legs danced along the already indented path, creating a new design to write out the joy in your boarding. you twisted your body slightly to mimic a 180 degree pan, with intentions to show the beautifying canvas nature’s offered to give before the year ends.

although you weren’t that of a professional to glide down hill faster, the competition between the three of you was high. to compare the total of wins,

you never won any.

and that was out of thirty.

you thought it was time to have that plot twist of the year— to at least get a win so heejin and siyeon wouldn’t have to embarrass you everytime they bring it up.

the board beneath you sent vibration signals to your legs and you knew you had to slow down. yet the adrenaline in you was in rockets and refused to stop when needed. you suddenly heard a familiar voice right at the bottom of the slope. you guessed right, it was the dimple guy.

“yah mark you can do better than that!” he yelled, and another figure brushed passed you.

remember that phrase ‘to be smitten by somebody’? well that was accurate to you now that you didn’t realise you glided on an area with a split level.. you felt your legs in mid-air before crashing and rolling down.

“y/n! you’re sharing a bed with heeji- oh my gosh!” siyeon cupped her hands around her mouth but charged forward to get you.

heejin heard the echoes of ooh’s and hisses from the same group from earlier. she helped you up once she arrived the finishing line. “y/n that must’ve hurt!”

you pulled the strap and removed your foot from the bracings, kicking it aside to massage the sore ankles. “damn it i hope i didn’t twist them.”

“let’s get you inside to have them checked.”

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the lounge area had music booming the system as if it would shatter the delicate, shaking glass windows. you sat at a corner with arms crossed and your friends heard you muttering words of complaint. their eyes trailed your casted ankle and crutches placed on your side.

regret was in you, and you swore you could’ve worn jeans instead of a skirt.

some people were drinking the night away and others were singing their hearts out; whether it was for a good year or another unrequited love. all in all the room was loud and it made you glad because for a whole hour you could hear the throbbing pain beating against your flesh.

“way to end the year..” you gulped onto your drink, empty the glass clean and asked for seconds.

“well at least you’re not in the hospital.” siyeon tilted her head, earning a watch-your-mouth look from heejin.

you went back to reading the last few pages of your book and ignored the persistent invites from the rest of your friends and strangers. didn’t they see your rest leg onto the couch? no matter how much you wanted to join them on the dance floor, you couldn’t. your beloved book was your only companion until the clock strike twelve. 

“i’ll see you at 2300!”

his voice rang in your head and you hoped to recognize him at least. 

heejin and siyeon enjoyed themselves with other random guys they hoped they’d end up with. they swayed their bodies from the effect of the drinks. you secretly recorded their pink cheeks and slurry smiles, later airdropping to their phones. as payback for the unending tease, you set those meme faces as their wallpaper.

the weight onto the seat on your left dove deep as you giggled at your plan. a hand attempted to snake around your waist, but your radar was attentive enough to warn you. he could be taking advantage of your condition right now. you grabbed your crutches and went straight to the bar section, asked for a glass of water before continuing the imagine wonders of the story.

the host of the party stood on the stage calling out for volunteers to give a good performance. the audience were awaiting, yet none wanted to try to sing. jaehyun entered the lounge after a warm quick shower from the last basketball practice of the year. his friends mark and johnny headed to some empty seats and he soon followed them. he knew and read the atmosphere, the typical mood of anticipation.

he stood at a column where he was hidden and at a blind spot. “gosh this scene is too familiar.” he whispered under his breath.

mark’s ears perked up at his friend. “yeah it’s like one of those rom-com movies.”

“high school musical? nah, this is way better.” johnny held a tray of tarts and cupcakes.

“if no one is coming up here we will choose.” the host spoke into the mic.

jaehyun felt the relief of searching spotlights. his entire being avoiding the light’s rays. yet there was something he didn’t expect.

a drone flew towards him and blinked lights. the crowd cheered and pushed him to the center stage. he sighed at his one-second relief since it was replaced by heart-hammering attention.

the music died down completely and it didn’t make you notice since your eyes were so immersed into each word. not until a spotlight pointed at you, its brightness blinding your eyes temporarily. you looked up to see a drone, then two pairs of hands pulled you to the center where a guy stood waiting for you.

“wait- i have to finish my book.” you whined and looked at the people in front. seeing heejin and siyeon smirking told you that they were probably the people behind the devilish plan.

“you’ll have it back after you do a cover!” the host shook the book and signalled for the track in queue. “introduce yourselves then you’d get into the mood. you’re both still awkward.”

“hey, i-i’m jaehyun.”

“hi, i’m y/n..”

you held the mic stand placed in front and found the crutches uncomfortable.

jaehyun noticed your discomfort and excused the rest to give you a chair to sit on. “here.” he said, taking your hand to lead you up and removed his coat to drape it to cover your legs.

the first piano notes started to play, and all cheers had you wondering whether they planned to re-enact the scene. heejin gave a thumbs up as she recorded the moment.

the heavy amount of exhales you both did when the track wasn’t what you think it was.

[ him ]

you don’t know babe when you hold met kiss me slowly it’s the sweetest thing

[ you ]

and it don’t change if i had in my way you would know that you are

[ both ]

you’re the coffee that i need in the morning you’re the sunshine in the rain when it’s pouring won’t you give yourself to me give it all

i just wanna see i just wanna see how beautiful you are you know that i see it i know you’re a star

where you go i follow no matter how far if life is a movie then you’re the best part

it was great singing a duet with the handsome boy. his voice was baritone and you loved how his voice resonates with you, harmonising even when it wasn’t necessary. yet it was something that you were fond of.

jaehyun knew you were the one he helped at the top of the hill. he knew you were the pissed one whilst wearing the equipment and knew that you crashed down. he circled around you in enjoyment of the song.

[ both ]

oh whoa you’re the best part oh whoa oh.. best part

when he flashed that smile as he sung, your eyes widened at the revelation of the boy. you recognised the pearly whites and dimples. now that you saw the entirety of his face,

he was more ethereal.

although the cover ended quicker than you thought— even if the whole thing was less than four minutes long, celebrating the year-end wasn’t that gloomy since meeting jaehyun. the crowd decided to give you both a gift and opening the box, there was an instax camera and couple’s santa accessory. he wore the hat whilst you took the 2020 headband and began to exchange polaroid pictures.

sharing a selfie was needed to be put up on the board for the ‘best cover’ of the night.

his hands stayed up waiting for yours. “are you sure you don’t need help?”

“i’m fine.” you giggled at his gentleman gestures. “thanks for the jacket.. and back at the snowboarding hill.”

he guided you to the balcony where the rest of your friends were. “no problem.” at their chattering conversations and endless giggles, you knew they’ve instantly gotten close.

“it’s just like kindergarten.” you suddenly say, wrapping the huge scarf around you.

you felt a warm weight around your shoulders. “give it back to me the next time i see you.” jaehyun pat your head.

“sure.” you agreed on his statement.

the countdown began in twenty seconds and everyone held their horns or sparklers in the air. the rest of your friends decided to be close to you, given of your condition. phones were at selfie mode and recorded the celebration.

“ten! nine! eight! seven!

six! five! four!

three! two!

one!”

fireworks canvased the navy blue sky and the impact the yells did to your eardrums had nothing compared to the beating of your heart. jaehyun cheered as well, his dimples evident on his cheeks. this by which made you look into the solo portrait you both exchanged.

however as you dug it out from your pockets, it fell to the ground and the universe already had something new and planned for you this coming year.

you smiled at the digits written behind it and jaehyun saw the most giddiest expression he has ever seen in your eyes.

he leaned down to whisper into your ears. “i hope the next time i see you will be soon.”

[ratcarney]

doubt comes in: a complete analysis

first of all, for all intents and purposes, london!orpheus has no rights, and here’s why: 

london!orpheus has a self-assured confidence to him. he does not pause before dialogue—he does not need to. “come home with me” is driven solely by confidence that eurydice will definitely, 100% fall for him. hermes mentions that “eurydice knew how to survive,” but “orpheus knew how to live.” orpheus’s drop-to-his-knees, spur-of-the-moment, pseudo-proposal has lively arrogance behind it.

broadway!orpheus, however, is the exact opposite. he is constantly driven by dreaminess and a perpetual, underlying anxiety. there is absolutely no arrogance whatsoever behind his characterization. 

while confident london!orpheus is, admittedly, VERY sexy, he is unable to bring the same emotion to songs such as “wait for me,” “if it’s true,” and “doubt comes in” (the latter especially!!). he starts the show very sure of himself and stays that way through act i and most of act ii. while one may think that this makes his total breakdown in doubt comes in more meaningful, it does not. it’s like orpheus has backed himself into a corner emotion- and confidence-wise and it would be uncharacteristic to fall straight to rock bottom after being strong and self-assured for the whole show thus far.

the best part of broadway’s dreamy, distracted orpheus is that the audience gets a chance to watch his belief in himself grow gradually until his turning point songs (“wait for me,” “if it’s true”) cement his newfound confident characterization in their minds. they have come to root for the underdog and are attached to his character. but then, starting at “wait for me ii,” as hermes is warning orpheus about the dangers of his journey with eurydice to the surface world, the audience recognizes a note or two of panic within orpheus akin to those they saw in songs such as “chant” and “a gathering storm.”

without witnessing how far orpheus has come, the audience wouldn’t be as broken up about his eventual failure to get the love of his life back. one could even argue that eurydice was the one that salvaged his confidence (probably during that super sweet part in “all i’ve ever known”) and cultivated it to be what the audience sees in “wait for me,” aka the ultimate declaration of his love. this argument would make it even more painful when she dies and, consequently, all of orpheus’s belief in himself dies with her.

at its core, it’s playing with the audience’s favor. london!orpheus already has the audience’s attraction, but the ever-anxious broadway!orpheus gained the audience’s sympathy throughout his story. london!orpheus’s loss isn’t as great because we know he can function on his own. we’ve seen it in songs like the london version of “livin’ it up on top.”

broadway!orpheus has demonstrated that eurydice is the only thing keeping him together. he literally gets torn nearly to shreds once he enters the underworld and she is separated from him during “papers.” the driving point behind all of his actions is to right his wrongs and get eurydice back. so his loss is MONUMENTAL compared to assertive, flashy, london!orpheus’s because the audience knows that he genuinely cannot handle himself without her.

keeping that in mind, let’s continue into “doubt comes in.”

“doubt comes in,” the penultimate song in the musical, is an illustration of orpheus’s complete mental collapse. it is symbolic of the destruction of all the love and hope for the world that he previously held. let’s get into the details.

the evolution of the beginning of the song is as follows:

a. in the concept album, after a VERY lengthy (but necessary for setting the scene) two-minute intro, orpheus himself starts the song. the opening lyrics are “doubt comes in and strips the paint/ doubt comes in and turns the wine/ doubt comes in and leaves a trace of vinegar and turpentine.” these lyrics are sung with the same otherworldly disconnectedness in which justin vernon’s orpheus sings everything. he continues with “where are you?/ where are you, now?” which is self-explanatory.

b. in the 2016 cast album, the fates start off with the same lyrics. this is attributed to their characterization from early on in the musical: “they [are] always singin’ in the back of your mind.” they function as orpheus’s anxieties and (self-)doubts personified. damon comes in a little later with his trademark wavering tenor singing “doubt comes in and all falls silent/ it’s as though you weren’t there.” this is fleshing orpheus out a little more, voicing his main fear—that eurydice isn’t behind him, that this is all a trick.

c. reeve’s “doubt comes in” is the most dramatically changed. they changed it so that it would fit his character more, and they did so EXPERTLY. reeve’s broadway!orpheus very clearly suffers from severe anxiety. he’s sensitive and jumps at the slightest sound. the way he neglects his relationship with eurydice in favor of working on the song is not malicious, but charged with fear. it’s not intentional, he just has a habit of shutting everything out when working on something important. he’s never been in a relationship before, so he doesn’t consider that maybe, eurydice needs him as much as he needs her. but i digress. reeve’s “doubt comes in” starts with the repetition of his lalala melody—the exact same one that the audience has come to associate with him. he sings this to himself both for comfort and in the feeble hope that eurydice will hear it and know where to follow him (akin to theseus making a trail of ariadne’s thread to help him escape the minotaur’s labyrinth). in the beginning of the show (“come home with me”), orpheus describes the melody as something that “takes what’s broken and makes it whole,” and he’s using his lalalas as just that. while that is heartbreaking enough to begin with, reeve’s trembling, almost-faltering falsetto (reevesetto, if you will) adds a layer of suspense and desperation that damon and justin can only dream of.

the instrumental:

- every version of doubt comes in has a variation of the same instrumental. the haunting strings fill the theatre with a palpable fear, leaving even the people who don’t know the myth filled with a sense of dread.

- the truly striking part about the instrumental, though, is the drumbeat. it’s meant to symbolize orpheus’s heartbeat pounding in his ears, and has the same effect on the audience.

eurydice’s verses:

- eurydice’s first line in both the concept album’s “doubt comes in” and the 2016 one is “orpheus, you’re shivering/ is it cold or fear?” one could argue that these are the most tender lyrics exchanged between the lovers throughout the whole musical. it demonstrates eurydice’s intimate knowledge of her lover whether it’s justin’s determined orpheus, damon’s confident orpheus, or reeve’s fearful orpheus (that is, if they had included it in the broadway version). in some ways, it is a response to the orpheus’s line prior to it: “where are you now?”

justin and anaïs: these two have the energy of a couple that has faced the trials, come out victorious, and will do so again. anaïs’s steady, haunting voice does not serve as an accessory to justin’s layered vocals, her eurydice is as determined as justin’s orpheus. they know that they will be fine as long as everything goes according to plan (spoilers: it doesn’t). when anaïs sings “orpheus, you’re shivering/ is it cold or fear?” it’s like she’s checking up on him, just to be safe. it’s not so much fear in her voice as it is a simple question, as if her next words would be “just checking in. keep going, baby, we’re almost there.”

damon and nabiyah: their relationship is more tentative. it was fractured when eurydice sold her soul, and it’s just starting to be repaired. when nabiyah sings “orpheus, you’re shivering/ is it cold or fear?” there is more lingering anger in it than what anaïs offered. it’s seen in the way she hisses his name, remaining on the last consonant for longer than she used to. however, after a beat, once she realizes that he’s shaking, (implying that either 1. she’s following close enough to see him tremble, or 2. she recognizes the wavering in his voice as a red flag, which is adorable because that means she was intentionally looking for anything that would indicate that orpheus wasn’t feeling as confident as he usually did as a precaution because she knew how fast things could spiral from there) her tone softens. she melts and offers him words of reassurance “just keep singing/ the coldest night/ of the coldest year/ comes right before the spring.”

reeve and eva: i will always (always!) be mad that they omitted that line from the broadway production. it had so much potential considering that eva follows so far behind reeve throughout the song. in her bold, protective voice, the mere singing of orpheus’s name would have 100% knocked me to the ground. and reeve’s orpheus would be most likely to display such symptoms. even the audience member in the farthest seat from the stage could tell that reeve was shaking as he walked forward on the turntable, he just gave off that aura (it’s free real estate good acting). of course eurydice would notice that he was afraid.

lyric changes (in no particular order):

a. in the broadway version, the “where are you now” was changed to “where is she now,” reiterating the fact that eurydice is orpheus’s number one priority (and source of fear)

b. in place of the “you’re shivering” line, broadway!eurydice’s words are more encouraging. had this been earlier in the show, she wouldn’t have been so optimistic. orpheus replenished her hope in the world with “epic iii” and that’s what carried her through “promises,” “wait for me ii,” and, of course, “doubt comes in.” she says “orpheus, are you listening?/ i’m right here/ and i will be ‘til the end” for the first verse and “orpheus, you’re not alone/ i’m right behind you/ and i have been all along” for the second, right before he looks back.

c. orpheus’s inner (sung) monologue fleshes him out more than the concept album and the 2016 recording ever did with their respective orphei. one of the most prominent examples of this is the lyric “who am i to think that she would follow me into the cold and dark again?”

d. this is one of the many callbacks in “doubt comes in.” orpheus means that eurydice took a chance in following him into the “cold and dark,” i.e. poverty. the fact that she does it AGAIN exemplifies great character development. from the first time eurydice was introduced, she was characterized as self-sufficient and unwilling to rely on others. but now, after all she’s been through, she willingly puts her life in someone else’s hands—something she would have never, ever done had she not met orpheus. the fact that orpheus says “again” demonstrates his awareness (something else he has gained since the beginning of the show) that he already let eurydice down once and he does not want to again.

callbacks:

a. “the wind is changing...” this is sung by the fates in the chorus and is reminiscent of “a gathering storm.”

b. “la lala la lala la la...” this is orpheus’s musical motif. it symbolizes togetherness and hope. however, while all other times he is eventually joined by the ensemble, this is different. he is singing his melody into the dark and hoping against hope that someone will answer. no one does.

c. “i used to see the way the world could be/ but now the way it is is all i see...” orpheus is hope personified. he symbolizes all that is good, he never sees the bad in anyone and on the off chance that he does, he doesn’t fixated on it. but here, he’s rethinking his worldview. the darkness has seeped into his soul, rendering him terrified and doubtful.

d. “it’s you/ it’s me/ orpheus/ eurydice” this is a callback to “come home with me ii,” which sucks because it’s uhhhh painful.

conclusion: jo found dead in miami.

[submissivekpop]

kisses; christian yu

Requested: yes Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, teasing, dom!Reader, sub!Christian Words: 1500+ A/N: anon asked for something “hard” and I honestly have no idea if this classifies as hard or what... hope you like it anyways!

«I wanna cum too.»

You force yourself to open your eyes to look at the squirming man beneath you.

«Please» he adds, as soon as your gaze meets his.

He looks so pretty like this, you think, sweaty hair sticking to his forehead, face flushed and bottom lip caught between his teeth – biting down so hard that it might start to bleed. With every move you make, he fights the urge to just close his eyes and give in to the pleasure – but he doesn't, because you told him to keep on looking at you, no matter what.

What a good boy, always listening and obeying to your every order. You wonder if, maybe, he didn't disobey while you weren't watching but, there again, he's so well behaved that he'd never do it.

«Not yet» you say, and you can't help but giggle when he whines.

Making a mess out of your boyfriend wasn't exactly what you expected when your date night started, and yet here you are, towering over him while he tries to hold back his orgasm as long as possible, not wanting to disobey you – or, even worse, disappoint you.

It all started with kisses, a few soft pecks on his cheek while watching a movie. A very boring one, if you had to be honest. He didn't react, at first, in spite of the fact that kisses always managed to turn him on. Maybe he's just not in the mood, you thought, before giving up and turning your attention back to the movie. Not even a couple of minutes passed, though, before he was shyly trying to get you to kiss him a bit more. Gladly giving in, you moved from his cheek to his hypersensitive neck, barely touching it, enjoying the small whimpers he let out when your breath hit his skin. Then, you switched to some gentle open-mouthed kisses, which, much to your amusement, sent shivers down his spine. Eventually, he turned to you, allowing you to finally kiss his soft lips. He moaned into the kiss, a deep, guttural moan that soon turned into an endless strings of small whimpers as you nibbled his lips, before climbing onto his lap and starting to grind on him. After a heavy make out session, filled with the sweetest noises and the dirtiest words you've ever heard, you led your extremely needy boyfriend to your bedroom. There, on your bed, you started your teasing once again.

«Please, Y/N, more...» he pleads, but you're not ready to give in. Not yet.

His neck is painted in several shades of red, with some pretty purple spots. You feel proud of yourself, you're doing a great job. Tomorrow, it'll look even better. Unless he decides to cover them, of course.

Slowly moving on top of him, you wonder how the scene might look from a third point of view. You're rubbing your almost naked core onto him, still fully clothed. Someone might think it's unfair, but you know exactly how much he loves it, even if he'd never say out loud.

«You're so good to me, Ian» you say, and he smiles. «Letting me do whatever I want to you.»

He nods.

«I'm yours.»

You know he means it, he always does. After several months of dating, you've come to the conclusion that it's his favourite thing to say. At the same time, it's becoming your favourite thing to hear, even more than the heavenly noises he lets out when you're making him feel good, or the little grunts he does when you tug on his hair just right, or even the way he repeats your name when you finally allow him to have his release.

Taking off his shirt, much to his delight, you let your hands wonder across his chest. He's been working out, you know that, and his effort is finally paying off – not that you care too much, you love him regardless of his physical shape. Your fingers gently graze over his tan skin, goosebumps following them wherever they go. As you get closer and closer to his crotch, right where he really needs you, you can feel his breathing becoming heavier. He's no longer moaning nor whimpering, he's just watching you so intently that you feel as if his glare could pierce right through your head. His bottom lip is back between his teeth, and this time you're sure about it, it's bleeding. You wipe your thumb across his lip, and he seizes the opportunity to suck your finger. You let him, it's not like it bothers you – actually, you love it.

«Let me take these off» you say, motioning towards his pants, and he eagerly nods.

Lifting his hips up, he allows you to pull them down, not taking his eyes off of you for a second. When your hand touches his crotch, his whole body jerks, while a loud whimper escapes his mouth. You palm him through his boxers, taking in the beautiful sight in front of your eyes.

«So beautiful» you praise, kissing his abs, right above his v-line. «And all mine.»

«Y-Yes, I'm all yours!» His words are louder than he intended to, but, in that moment, he doesn't really care. As long as you're happy with it, he is as well.

Taking off his boxers, you finally free him, allowing his member to rest across his abdomen. When you graze your nails along his thighs, it twitches. You do it several times, enjoying how his body reacts to your touch, and each time he hisses louder and louder. He's at his limit, you know that. There's precum on the tip of his cock, which now looks redder and, if possible, harder than before. Giving a quick look to the clock on your night stand, you realize how long you've been teasing him for. You're actually surprised he didn't try to persuade you into giving in earlier. You have to admit it, if he had, you would have probably complied. You can feel yourself getting wetter and wetter every passing second, and you can't wait to finally feel him inside you.

Kneeling next to him, you jerk him off for a couple of minutes, before deciding to take him into your mouth. When you do, he thrashes his head onto the pillows, his eyes wide shut as he lets out a breathy moan.

«Fuck, Y/N...» is the only thing he manages to say, inhaling deeply as you bob your head up and down his length.

It doesn't last long. His reaction, together with your own need to have him inside you, forces you to stop what you're doing, quickly take off your panties, and then climb onto him once again, teasing your entrance with his tip.

«Please, just fuck me» he says, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.

Nodding, you sink onto him, watching how his mouth slowly takes an 'o' shape. Neither of you moans, the pleasure is so much that it's almost impossible to make any sound.

You set your pace immediately, not too fast but not too slow either, just enough for the both of you to last for some more time. The only thing you can hear is an endless chanting of your name, with some curses in between, his voice shaky but loud nonetheless.

«Y-You fill me up so well, baby» you say, leaning over to kiss him. When you do, he moans into your mouth, while his tongue desperately intertwines with yours. It's a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss, there's saliva everywhere, but neither of you cares.

His hands move to your back, bringing you as close to him as possible, his nails leaving some scratches behind. His hips, moving from beneath you, meet yours in the best way possible, bringing you closer to your orgasm. Your hand finds its way to your clit, rubbing it in circular motions, as he thrusts into you. A few minutes later, you're clenching around him, as you feel a wave of pleasure rushing into you.

«Y/N, c-can I cum?» he begs, knowing that he's not going to last long. «Please, Y/N, please!»

«Yes, cum for me, baby» you say, finally granting him his release.

He comes saying your name, as he always does, and he doesn't stop repeating it until you get off of him. You can feel his seed dripping on your thighs, something you know he loves. He's watching you, clearly enjoying what's before his eyes.

«You did so well, baby» you reassure him, laying down next to him and moving his damp hair from his forehead, before placing a chaste kiss there.

«I did?» he asks, and you know that the only thing he wants right now is to be praised.

«Of course» you say. «You took my teasing extremely well, I'm really proud of you.»

He smiles, content, turning his face to you, silently asking for another kiss. More than happy to comply, you kiss him.

It doesn't take long before both of you start to fall asleep, in the comforting dim light of your bedroom, laying next to each other, sweet 'I love you's whispered to each other.

Feedback is always appreciated!

[valzhangs]

the lionesses den

a heroes of olympus trc au. read on ao3. 

Chapter 1: PIPER. 

One could say it starts when she’s six, listening intently to her mother. This is the first time Piper Mclean hears the story.

 Herself and her siblings sit huddled around their mother, Aphrodite, as she tells a story, one the rest of them appear to have heard before although Piper has not. Aphrodite’s voice, sweet as honey, fills the spacious room far more than the shelves stacked with perfumes and accessories ever could.

 “There was a woman, once,” Her mother tells the five children. Piper isn’t paying attention at first as her and Liz, one of her siblings, roll a green ball to each other. It’s tiny and bouncy and Piper can’t remember where they got it from but she adores it. Had she looked around, she’d have noticed all of her siblings were paying as little attention as her. Aphrodite looks at her distracted children and does not care as she continues, “She defied the gods.”

 This is what catches Piper’s attention and her eyes snap towards her mother in wonder. It was not rare for Aphrodite to speak of gods, of beings beyond what they could ever be. In the stories, they were always ethereal and untouchable, their authority undeniable, so the existence of a tale in which someone opposed them was a wonderous thing.

 “She didn’t agree with their insistence to be the only ones with gifts, so she found a way to replicate them. Witchcraft. Of course, this had existed for ages before she arrived, but it was a doctrine taught only to the gods’ proteges and descendants. She found a way regardless, and she made her own enchantments and gifts from scratch, she learned how to heal without medicine. And she taught others what she’d discovered in her very own isle, where people came from all over to be taught by her. Her name was Circe, and the gods were not happy with her at all.

 “Circe didn’t care about that, though, she just continued to teach the girls that arrived at Circe’s Isle, gave them a home. Eventually, a man who was the son of a god stumbled upon her place, and as he offended the girls, Circe turned him into a pig. This is what brought punishment to her, and soon all the apprentices were gone and her isle was unfindable. No one would learn the gods’ secrets again, and no one would interact with she who had taught them either.”

 Aphrodite’s story comes to an end, and she goes back to fixing her eyeliner in the mirror as her children just entertain themselves with each other. All except Piper, who is still focused on her mother as she waits for some form of continuation to the story. That can not be the end! How is it that Circe’s story had carried on? Is it really impossible to find her?

 “What is it? Do you want me to teach you?” It is not Aphrodite who speaks up as she noticed Piper still staring, but instead Silena, at nine the oldest of her siblings. She’s always really nice to Piper.

 “Huh?” Piper asks, not quite understanding the question.

 Silena giggles, “Do you want to learn how to do make-up? Mom says I’m a good learner, I might be a good teacher too!”

 “Mom is lying to you because you’re her favorite,” Drew butts in, seven years old and convinced she needs to earn her place.

 Silena frowns, “No, she’s not, Drew.”

 “Yes, she is!”

 “No, she’s not!”

 “Will you two stop fighting? We’re supposed to be in a peaceful environment.” Aphrodite says annoyance as their voices grow louder, not even looking over to the pair.

 Both girls frown and side-eye each other but stop arguing.

 Piper looks at her mother, ethereal and unreachable like the gods from her stories, and decides she doesn’t want to spend all her time being boring and putting lines on her face, so she scrunches up her face when Silena offers teaching her again and shakes her head, which seems to offend Silena as she walks away and starts playing with Lacy, five years old and Liz’s twin.

 Liz just starts throwing the green ball at her again and Piper laughs as she rolls it back to the younger one. Drew is huffing at all of them but eventually she joins the pair in green ball throwing, even laughing with the other two.

 It is then that the new maid, the really nice one with long straight black hair and warm brown eyes, peeks her head into the room and looks directly at Piper with a smile.

 “Your father is here,” She says and Piper immediately gets up, throwing a Bye! towards the rest before her mother stops her.

 “Are you really going to leave without giving your mom a proper goodbye?” She says.

 Piper sighs and walks back, giving her mother hug and an “I’ll miss you, mom” before walking back towards the door.

 “Byebye, Pipes!” Lacy calls after her and Liz echoes her and then the door shuts behind Piper and the nice maid.

 The two walk towards the giant house’s entrance (really, her mother’s house is enormous, even bigger than her dad’s) where Tristan Mclean awaits them, a pleasant smile on his face.

 “Did you have a fun time?” He asks his daughter once the two of them are back in the car, and Piper hums in confirmation, her mind still lost in her mother’s story.

 That night, she dreams of Circe’s Isle, of learning magic and conquering gods (or maybe unavailable mothers) with it.

      “Are we there yet?” Piper hears Leo Valdez, her best and oldest friend (which is not to say they’ve been friends for very long, just that Piper is not very good at maintaining friendships), ask.

 It is Jason Grace, the boy at the wheel and newest addition to their group, who responds, “It’s been two minutes.”

 He is the strangest member of their group, mainly because of how not strange he is. Or, well, appears to be, as no normal person would hang out looking for a magic island to get a wish.

 Leo groans and throws his head back onto the seat, his curls being squished behind him.

 A laugh comes from the front seat, besides Jason, and Piper can see the fourth group member’s hand gesturing in the air.

 “Patience, Leo,” The laughing girl says, and Jason suddenly looks at her then back at the road in a quick motion.

 “Have you been there the whole time?” He asks, sounding bewildered.

 He is the only one unsettled by Hazel Levesque’s sudden appearance in the car, as the other two learned long ago of the young girl’s uncanny ability to make herself go unnoticed until she speaks. It is nearly impossible to see her sneaking up on you. Nearly, thinks Piper, because she is determined to someday catch her in the act.

 “Of course, silly,” Comes Hazel’s reply, “I am never not-here.”

 Jason lets out air through his nose and Piper resists the urge to laugh at the clear sign of confusion. He will have to get used to Hazel eventually as well, after all, she’s an essential part of their little group.

 “Are we there yet?” Leo asks again, leaning forward as he gazes at Jason in search for an answer.

 “Nope.”

The curly haired boy pouts, “I wish we could, like, fly there or something.”

 Jason’s hands tighten around the steering wheel, “It’s a fifteen minute drive.”

 “It would be ten minutes if you’d just drive faster,” Leo remarks.

 “I’m on the speed limit, Valdez,” Jason’s voice sounds tight and unsure as it often does when talking about going against what’s set, as if breaking rules was the worst thought in the world. It’s probably why him and Leo sometimes clash, although Piper herself does not have much respect for guidelines so it only makes half sense.

 “There’s nobody around,” Leo points out.

 Jason doesn’t reply and continues to drive at the exact same speed as Leo just gives a sigh and settles back onto his seat.

 Hazel hums along to the song playing on the radio, a tune Piper can’t name but knows she’s heard before, perhaps simply from Hazel. It’s soft but loud, and it stands somewhere between a chant and golden era Broadway. Piper hates it but Hazel has the kind of smile on her face that reminds Piper of just how young she is so she can’t bring herself to change the station.

 Before she realizes it, they have arrived at their destination, the smell of the sea stronger than ever as three of the group step onto the port while Jason goes park the car.  

 Leo looks around, then back at Piper, “So, why did you bring us out here again?”

Piper raises an eyebrow, an ability it took her way more time than she’d be willing to admit to master, then looks out to the sea, “Maybe I just wanted to surf.”

 “It’s a port, not a beach,” Leo points out.

 Hazel smiles as she walks around a bit, “The view’s pretty.”

 Leo makes a noise that sounds like disagreement, and Piper gives him a look, “Didn’t you say you liked the beach?”

 “Yes. The beach, with sand and sand castles and the possibility of standing at the edge of the sea without going in just for the breeze. This is a port. No sand,” Leo glares at the sea as if it were its fault that the place doesn’t fulfill his expectations, “Besides, we’ve been here a thousand times.”

 Piper shrugs, knowing the place might get tired after a while with no results, as much as she still loves it.

 Jason finally joins them, his hands stuffed into his pockets, “So, Piper, what are we doing here?”

Piper smiles, “I think it’ll be better if I show you.”

 She walks off towards the bridge that leads to the boats and the rest follow her without question as they often do.

 She then takes a device from her backpack, a modified DR60 in a transparent case, hard plastic, probably as good as she would get with an underwater EVP recorder without actually creating something beyond the modifications Leo had made. He could probably ideate something that would work, but he also probably did not have the time for such a thing.

 “Uhuh, I made this,” Leo says.

 “We have seen this before,” Jason agrees.

 “Gosh, just,” She takes the recorder out of its case, “Listen to the recording.”

 Jason takes the DR60 and goes to play back on the thing before Piper holds out her hand in a “wait” gesture and takes a second device out of her backpack, this one a speaker.

 She connects it to the EVP recorder and rolls her eyes at the others’ looks, “Better sound quality.”

 Then Jason plays the recoding.

 For a while, there’s nothing there, and Piper can see in the Leo and Jason’s faces how they’re expecting it to stay like this, maybe find some odd noise that can be explained easily. Hazel looks pleasant and eager, perhaps the most trustful that this whole meeting did, indeed entail an important find.

 Then, there’s a voice, and although Piper has heard it at least ten times in the past day, she still leans forward with excitement.

 “What’s your name?” The voice is feminine and clear, a commanding quality to it.

 “Piper.” This is Piper’s very own voice replying.

 “Daughter of whom?”

 “Does it matter? They are nothing here.”

 The recording then goes back to simply being the normal sounds of the marine life.

 Piper looks expectantly at the people accompanying her, trying to discern their reactions.

 “Yeah, I still don’t get it,” Jason finally says, bringing both other companions to nod along to him.

 “I placed this underwater for maybe three hours,” Piper starts, “I left it there for maybe three hours and this is what I found when looked over the recording. This is not a conversation I’ve ever had.”

 She sees Leo and Jason share a look somewhere between skepticism and excitement.

 “You could have shown us this anywhere else,” Hazel suddenly says, curiosity bleeding from her every word, “Why are we here?”

 Piper’s smile widens, if such a thing is even possible at this point, “I was hoping you’d ask that.”

 She walks a bit further ahead, then points towards a spot at the corner of a boat where glowing circled tablets float.

 “After I heard the recording, I decided I’d check out the water around the area where it was,” Her hands gesture wildly around her as she speaks, “You know, for any traces of the kind of stuff disappearing acts have. This is the second place where it’s actually worked, and it’s way stronger than in Katakolon.”

 “This does look pretty solid,” Leo admits, and Piper resists the urge to give a smug huff at convincing the biggest skeptic of their group, “But it might be another dead end.”

 Piper thinks of sleepless nights looking through books about Greek stories, of miles travelled in search for a single clue and hours spent analyzing prophecies made by women centuries later, likely while high. She thinks of maps leading nowhere, of riddles with no answers and of absolutely unrelated stories that had somehow made their way into the mess that was the obscure search for Circe’s Isle.

 “It’s not,” Piper’s voice holds determination, “We’re close. I can feel it.”

[anais-mitchell]

Hamilton Angelica Tour in Atlanta, 6/2/18 Evening

So, this was my first time EVER seeing Hamilton and being the extra person I am I had to document all my thoughts so I could remember everything I loved and share it with others! The cast was the full Angelica cast with Edred Utomi as Hamilton and Karli Dinardo as Peggy/Maria. Putting this review under a read more because it is LONG. If anyone has any specific questions about cast members or songs feel free to ask!

We were seated in left orchestra, and while there was no obstructed view there were moments where characters (often Eliza for some reason) were either blocked by someone else or had their back to us.

(I also credit the structure of these rambles to @fourteenacross whose Hamilton reviews are always so well thought out and insightful 💙)

Alexander Hamilton: I nearly passed out when I heard that first note. But this is just such a good introductory number, everyone played their parts very well. The staging is unique and beautiful and when the ensemble all sang together towards the end I felt it in my soul. The “me? I....” part was as striking as expected.

Aaron Burr, Sir: I could tell from the get-go Edred and Nicholas had awesome chemistry as Hamilton and Burr. The bursar lines were really funny. Edred seemed very deflated in his little “ha” after Burr’s advice. The squad introductions were predictably fun and Chris Lee’s dancing is a godsend.

My Shot: I lovedddd Edred in this song. He had so much energy with the squad and was very determined as Hamiton should be!!! Chris’s delivery of “anarchy” will never fail to crack me up, and Chaundre’s coat flip was awesome. Ruben got the crowd so pumped on the “rise up” bit which is one of my FAVORITE parts of the show. But my favorite part of this song was definitely Edred. He had a great little nervous “oh am I talking too loud?” and his “I imagine death” was so vulnerable and convincing. I loved seeing the sisters in the wings, I’m not sure if this was intentional but I almost saw Julia kinda staring longingly at Ham? Foreshadowing? Or me looking too much into things? Who knows?

The Story of Tonight: Edred and Ruben both have lovely singing voices which made this a 10/10 number. The camaraderie felt so real and it’s just such a sweet little number that I adore.

The Schuyler Sisters: All around so much fun. Karli’s Peggy wasn’t as pouty as some of my favorites but she was still very cute and got some laughs. Nicholas had a very funny delivery of “your daddy’s got money.” They all sounded amazing and had awesome energy!! But one of my favorite dumb details in this show is Eliza’s facial expressions during Angelica’s roast and downsides of being pretty far left, Burr was completely blocking Eliza from my frame of vision :(( still, overall great number and Sabrina especially slayed!

Farmer Refuted: Really funny. Edred’s Ham was so frustrated with this tiny guy because “he’s WRONG and I’m RIGHT and I need to SHOW HIM.” Lafayette distracting Burr in the back was a great detail as well.

You’ll Be Back: I thought this was done well, but honestly it might have been my least favorite king song of the show because he didn’t have many funny moments until the back half of the song. He did this growl on “and ever” that was hilarious, but to me the funniest part was the ensemble scurrying out SO QUICKLY when he called them and following his dance moves. 

Redcoat transition got some audible gasps.

Right Hand Man: The beginning of this song where the Schuyler sisters and ensemble sing at the front of the stage then quickly run away is just one of my favorite little details of the show. Such captivating and almost haunting choreography. Carvens has AMAZING stage presence and such a powerful voice!! His Washington was so frustrated with everything and very authoritative. The cannon “BOOM”s were so loud in the theater and really brought you into the scene. Nicholas had a very funny delivery of “from a distance.” I loved loved loved the Schuyler sisters harmonizing in the wings as well.

A Winter’s Ball: This was the first of many moments where Nicholas used obviously fake cheeriness to cover up how annoyed Burr was with Hamilton to AMAZING effect. Chris looked so put out when Hamilton pushed him aside lmao. And I totally missed the faces of the guys towards the end bc I was watching Angelica and Eliza like YES THOSE ARE MY GIRLS. Whoops.

Helpless: Ahhh this was just so CUTE. You could actually hear Julia smiling through some lines, her Eliza was so smitten and pleading w Angelica. Edred and Julia had fantastic chemistry and you could so feel the love between them. Julia had a wonderfully “wtf” reaction to “Angelica tried to take a bite of me.” Also, I owe my life to all her riffs. She has such a lovely vibrant voice that reverberated through the theater so well.

Satisfied: This is my favorite song in the whole show and Sabrina did not disappoint. First of all, seeing the “rewind” bit live is SO COOL. I loved that Sabrina genuinely played it as feeling a real emotional and romantic connection to Hamilton but also was so protective of Eliza and knew she couldn’t have him. She was the perfect blend of Angelica’s stoicism and emotion. And oh god THE BRIDGE. That scene where it’s just Angelica, Eliza, and Hamilton on stage and Angelica looks absolutely gutted as she delivers the “at least...” part and Eliza has this huge smile.... ugh just rip my heart out. No fancy riffs in the end but she did it well. Sabrina’s ending was heartbreaking and the staging w Angelica totally alone on stage was :((( I want to hug her. Fun tidbit: when Eliza and Burr are dancing, Burr was doing this SUPER dorky dance I can’t even explain and Eliza had the funniest look on her face.

The Story of Tonight (Reprise): They were all v drunk and silly and I loved it. Literally any scene Lafayette was in, Chris Lee was doing all kinds of weird dance moves that cracked me up. When Laurens was teasing Burr about Theodosia, Mulligan came up behind Burr and did this huge exaggerated thrusting motion that had me DYING. Edred’s “oh shit” was everything. In the final few lines after Hamilton said “what are you waiting for?”, Nicholas did this little almost resentful laugh that was like, “you could never understand.” Such a great dichotomy between these two characters and the actors did it so well.

Wait For It: First of all, Nicholas has an incredible voice and great stage presence and he rocked this number. I was fully captivated. Also, he got some laughs on “I’m keeping the bed warm while her husband is away” and “Theodosia she’s mine” which I’ve never heard laughs on? However, he had a REALLY BAD line flub that made me cringe but he recovered well. In the bridge part, he lowkey started singing the lyrics to The Word Was Wide Enough and then had like 5 seconds of silence before catching it again YIKES. But he made up for it doubly by going SO HARD on the final chorus w amazing emotion and intensity. You so felt Burr’s philosophy and wanted to root for him so badly. Loved it.

Stay Alive: I absolutely loved the little bit with the Bullet just skirting over Hamilton at the beginning. Robbie Nicholson’s Charles Lee was SO ANNOYING. It was perfect. The instrumentals of this number are superb as well. I really enjoyed Eliza and Angelica's presence in the balcony as well, Julia riffed a little bit on the “stay alive”s and it sounded very good. The Lams moment at the end was subtle but definitely there.

Ten Duel Commandments: I just really enjoy the staging of this song and the use of the turntable. I know I keep talking about the minute deliveries of Nicholas’s Burr, but THEY WERE SO GOOD. His “can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?” and “okay so we’re doing this” were just comic gold.

Meet Me Inside: INTENSE. Carvens basically bellowed his first “meet me inside.” Edred was super argumentative and pissed up until “call me son one more time” where he realized he messed up. Carvens “go home” was very firm but not yelled or whispered.

That Would Be Enough: Julia is a star. This number was just all kinds of cute, she was super touchy and physically affectionate with him and they really tugged on my heartstrings. Also she had one of my favorite touches that Solea did where she holds her belly on “and we could be enough” and her final “enoughhhh” had such a nice vibrato. The ending pose warmed my heart. Such a touching little song.

Guns and Ships: I LOVE CHRIS LEE!!!! His rapping was very crisp even with the accent and he had hella energy. His Lafayette was so eager and energetic. Something you don’t see in bootlegs is how COOL the choreography of passing Washington’s letter to Hamilton is. The Hamliza goodbye was very sweet, Edred touched her belly and she looked very sad.

History Has Its Eyes On You: Carvens has such a captivating and strong singing voice. All the harmonies of the ensemble and the ensemble singing together were transcendent.

Yorktown: Hi again I still love Chris Lee. It felt really good to clap for “immigrants, we get the job done.” You could really feel Edred’s emotion on the part about Eliza and his energy throughout the number was amazing. Jennifer Geller was mesmerizing as the bullet and I adored her part with Ruben. Mulligan’s rap WENT HARD Chaundre really brought it. Also I would like to reiterate my love for Carvens his “not yet” was so powerful!!! That emphasis!! I have never felt more alive than when the entire ensemble was singing at the end and all the chants. Another hidden gem of this number: on the second “the world turned upside down,” I could CLEARLY hear Raven Thomas doing a lil riff and it was much appreciated I was kinda sad to not see her as a sister.

What Comes Next?: This was funny. 

Dear Theodosia: Nicholas and Edred had gorgeous harmonies together. A lovely and simple number that worked so well with the two of them.

Laurens Interlude: OUCH. Between Hamilton, Laurens, Lafayette, and Mulligan I didn’t even know who to look at. Hamilton looked so gutted, he was gripping the chair and just seemed devastated. Laf and Herc were in the balcony reading the letters and Lafayette gave a little salute and Mulligan just took a drink. Ruben had a very mournful and sad delivery and the stare between him and Edred towards the end was just heart wrenching. They definitely played up Lams in this scene.

Non Stop: I seriously love this number. Edred and Nicholas play so well off of each other. Edred had awesome energy and totally internalized the whole persistence and blind determination of Hamilton in this number. I completely missed his little flourish on “I practically perfected it” tho FOR VALID REASON and that reason was Nicholas delivering the line “he’s just non stop” with the ensemble through gritted teeth and a fake ass smile which was PRICELESS. Nicholas’s “okay” after “you’re a better lawyer than me” was really high pitched and funny. After Hamilton left, Burr like chased him down during “I’ll keep all my plans close to my chest” and it seemed like Burr was just desperately trying to prove to Hamilton that MY WAY OF DOING THINGS IS JUST AS GOOD AS YOURS, one of many excellent little character moments Nicholas threw in bless him. Edred and Sabrina had excellent chemistry in that tiny bit, his long stare at her was painful. “The other 51!!!” was just as emphatic as I could have hoped for. Julia’s “Alexander... AlexANDER” was pissed and I loved it, the final 30 seconds were beautiful. Julia has amazing riffs that sound so clear even when the whole ensemble is singing. Edred’s last “I am not throwing away my shot!!” was so LOUD lmao what an amazing number though it was a perfect Act 1 closer.

What’d I Miss?: After seeing Act 1, I knew Chris’s Jefferson would just be above and beyond, and I was so not disappointed. @ontheupandupagain said something in her tags the other day that he has such a good singing voice in this song AND HE REALLY DOES, his voice is like silk. But the acting was just invariably hilarious. His best scenes as Jefferson were playing off of Chaundre’s Madison though. Chaundre coughed into his hand and then shook Chris’s hand with it and his face was just like, “what the fuck dude?” and I thought it was SO FUNNY. He also did so much crazy stuff with his extra af coat which I loved.

Cabinet Battle #1: This was highkey the funniest number in the show. Chris and Chaundre had so many tiny little flourishes that had me in stitches. Ex. Chris getting ALLL in Edred’s face, Chris dropping the mic and Chaundre trying to pick it up but fanning it like it was too hot, Chaundre being so offended by “getting high with the French” that he literally shoved an ensemble member out of their chair and had to fan himself, them delivering “you don’t have the votes” with dance moves in PERFECT synchronization. Ugh so good. Edred was really good in this too, his mimicking of Jefferson’s dance moves was hilarious and he went v hard in his bit. After Jefferson and Madison left, he was very indignant w Washington like “I’m right!!! Listen to me!!!”

Take a Break: Julia and Ruben were very cute. Philip was tapping his legs like a little kid while playing the piano which was very in character. I thought Ruben’s Philip rap was very good! He was nervous until like the last two lines and then had such a funny victorious run up the stairs. But again, left orchestra probs, Edred was totally blocking my view of Julia beatboxing :( And god bless Edred for having equal amounts of chemistry with both Sabrina and Julia. The “my dearest Angelica” hits you right in the heart and Sabrina was almost fearfully hopeful but then dismissed it right away. Julia and Sabrina had awesome harmonies, and the bit where Angelica tried to go after him and Eliza stops her will never not hurt me.

Say No To This: Edred was very actively narrating to the audience in the beginning so you could definitely tell everything Maria did was through his retelling. His first “show me how to say no to this” got laughs which was kinda weird. One part of his performance that was so unique was that his “fuuuuu-” was very exasperated and funny more than downright shocked and horrified. Karli definitely played Maria as more of a victim too, she looked so panicked during the middle bit. Her “stay” note was AWESOME. One bit that tugged at the heartstrings was after James Reynolds clipped his whip thing, she stared at Hamilton very longingly and it almost seemed like a cry for help. I really liked the way all of them did this number.

The Room Where It Happens: Okay so this was definitely the best performance of the whole show. Hands down. Nicholas ran the gamut of Burr’s emotions from frustration to anger to horror to unbridled ambition. I can’t even really comment on Chris, Chaundre, or Edred because of how captivating Nicholas was. One touch I really liked was when Jefferson and Madison were planning for the meeting, Burr was aggressively pointing at them to the audience like “look at them!!! look how corrupt they are!!!” But yeah he tore that ending up on Leslie and Josh levels. There was huge applause MIDWAY THROUGH THE ENDING. He went so so so hard, literally slamming on the floor in just an unhinged state of finally letting go of his calculated demeanor. Such a huge shift for Burr and a showstopper in every sense of the word. Ugh I have chills just remembering it.

Schuyler Defeated: “They don’t like you” was delivered to great effect. Burr was almost nagging Hamilton towards the end as Hamilton walked away. These two just really had endlessly great chemistry.

Cabinet Battle #2: Very good all around. They were both super frustrated, and all the typical funny lines were very funny. I think Edred could have gone a just a little bit harder on “you must be out of your goDDAMN MIND” but hey that’s a very minute complaint. Chris got all up in his face for “Daddy’s calling.”

Washington On Your Side: Jefferson’s “wtf” face when Burr shows up will never not amuse me. And Chaundre’s “which I wrote!” was so indignant. They were all very calculating through the whole number and the crescendo of the song pumped me up so hard. 11/10 guys.

One Last Time: This was my favorite number Carvens did by far. His Washington was very desperate to have let a good impact on his country but in a very different way than Hamilton is. Edred’s reactions to all the different bits, especially “Jefferson started it,” were great. And I’d be lying if I said the ending didn’t draw some tears to my eyes, Carvens has such a powerful voice and this song is so cathartic.

I Know Him: I enjoyed it. The lines that are usually funny were funny.

The Adams Administration: Nicholas almost broke because of the king bouncing, but he kept it together. The “sit down” bit was predictably very funny. i loved how conniving Jefferson, Burr, and Madison were at the end, especially how Chris said “let’s let him know, what we know.”

We Know: Hamilton was kinda dismissive when he first said “Secretary Jefferson” but slowly realized something was up by “what is this?” He was very frantic to discredit their accusations. Chris’s “my God” was so disgusted and he was on such a high horse it was HILARIOUS. It totally reminded me of Gina Linetti high horsing Amy in the Season 1 B99 Thanksgiving episode, it was that good. Also, Eliza and Philip in the balcony was a subtle but heartbreaking touch.

Hurricane: I would literally die for the staging, lighting, and choreography of this song. Some of the light changes just hit you straight in the heart and all the choreography with the ensemble holding the chairs is so good. As for the actual performance, I think Edred was the perfect balance between Lin’s quieter emotions and Michael’s almost rage like intense emotions. He got kinda choked up at the part about his mother which ouch. Edred just had a lovely voice too which really shone through in this song.

The Reynolds Pamphlet: This song is EXPLOSIVE live. Chris was so thrilled and Edred was so defensive. Philip was so upset seeing the pamphlet. And oh god, when Angelica showed up Hamilton was so relieved but she yanked away so quickly and she genuinely seemed pained to do so. She was so so hurt and angry, she almost looked on the verge of tears because she had sacrificed so much for him and Eliza and he just threw it away. She almost spit out “god I hope you’re satisfied” into his face and raised a finger in his face, it looked like she could hit him. Rather than staying in his face like Renee did, Sabrina was so angry she left right away. And the dancing in the middle of the stage was definitely the funniest thing the king did.

Burn: UGHHHHH MY HEART. First of all, Julia’s voice is just beautiful on its own. But she really brought the emotion in this. She was so devastated and betrayed, and the fact that she played Eliza as so utterly in love with Hamilton before just really fucked me up. She barely choked out the “I’m” after the long pause. Her ending was super angry though but it was all anger coming from real sadness and hurt. After her final line, she did this little choked sob that just put the nail in my coffin of love for Eliza. This whole song I was just fully engrossed and probably had my mouth just hanging wide open.

Blow Us All Away: I whispered “oh no” to my dad at the beginning of this. Ruben’s Philip was so confident and idealistic and the father/son scene just made you want to scream at Hamilton. Little observation, Eacker’s cape is so swooshy and the actor was playing around with it so much. But yeah this Eacker seemed so much older than Ruben’s Philip and there was a definite power imbalance. Ruben seemed really nervous right before :( and oh god, when he shot on seven my heart just dropped to my stomach because WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. The whole theater gasped.

Stay Alive (Reprise): :(((( Edred’s Hamilton was so panicked and desperate. You could tell he really internalized it when Philip said “I did exactly what you said Pop” and was horrified that this was partially his fault. And Julia just ran out with tears already in her eyes and it was just over for me. She was so motherly and you could tell this was just her worst fear of something bad happening to her son. Ruben didn’t expressly play it like he was dying but he definitely seemed terrified and in pain and didn’t have the Musical Theatre Death Smile which thank god. You could hear a pin drop when the heartbeat stopped, and Julia did a version of the scream that was more like a sob but wow I was in pain. And she yanked that hand away from Hamilton so quickly. It was like she felt he didn’t deserve to mourn with her.

It’s Quiet Uptown: My god, what an intimate and beautiful piece of theatre. I cried which was a given. But really, between Hamilton, Angelica, Eliza, and the ensemble, the grief is so raw and powerful. There are some staging bits I never noticed before, like the ensemble kneeling and doing the sign of the cross during the lines about church. Edred was SO CHOKED UP during some lines. You could just feel how much regret he felt and how he realized how much he’s messed up everything. His delivery of “and you would smile, and that would be enough” was particularly gut wrenching. Sabrina’s voice was beautiful and so sympathetic in this song too which just added to all the poignancy. And then UGH. When Julia’s Eliza took his hand she was just so tired and relieved and devastated. Edred was audibly sobbing (so was I.) This scene is just the perfect encapsulation of the unconditional love Hamilton and Eliza had for each other and Edred and Julia’s performance was just so :(((

The Election of 1800: Chris Lee dramatically saying “Can we get back to politics?” and Chaundre Hall-Broomfield saying “Please?” through tears is really just the best way to get an audience full of crying people to laugh. Burr was SO FAKE during this song I loved it. His reactions to the voters was priceless, and when he greeted Hamilton with “Alexander!” he had such a fake ass smile and exclamation with his arms spread out for a hug; it was GOLDEN. Edred was so emphatic when he said “Burr has none” and Nicholas seemed so personally betrayed. And of course, the ending was flawless. Burr was trying so hard to go back into his cheery public persona but Jefferson just wanted nothing to do with him.

Your Obedient Servant: Burr was LIVID at the beginning of this song. Nicholas had such a great buildup to his anger. The back and forth between the two was just so good through the whole song and they hit the comedic bits right on. But the actual challenge part was very “shit’s about to go down.” 

Best of Wives, Best of Women: They were such a good Hamliza pair :( so soft, so in love, so pure. 

The World Was Wide Enough: Both Nicholas and Edred were just on their A-game for this song. It seemed like Nicholas, for the first half, was really trying to justify to the audience that he was doing the right thing and that Hamilton was a bad person who deserved this. His “this man will not make an orphan of my daughter” was heart wrenching. And props to Jennifer Geller for being a fantastic Bullet, especially in this song. Edred’s monologue was so mesmerizing; every word was delivered with purpose and you really got the vibe that he just wanted more time. And I truly think that “rise up, Eliza!” and then “my love, take your time; I’ll see you on the other side” is one of the most emotionally impactful moments in the whole show. My heart just stopped. My heart also stopped on the shot because woww ouch. You could instantly feel Burr’s regret and just overall thought of “what did I just do?” Angelica and Eliza looked so sad when they came out. The final bit, with Burr alone in the middle of the stage and Hamilton looking down on him from the balcony, and then the light going out on Hamilton is just genius direction. Nicholas had a really dramatic pause on “for Hamilton and.... me.”

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story: The instrumentals of this song alone make me tear up. Sabrina was so fierce coming out for her part and I loved it. And then was Julia came out as Eliza I was just a mess. “I live another 50 years” was delivered particularly well. She was so frantic trying to ensure she had done everything, and then there was that moment of beautiful clarity with the orphanage. God bless Julia K. Harriman and God bless Eliza Hamilton. The ending with Hamilton and Eliza was absolutely breathtaking and the perfect final moment of their love, and Julia’s gasp was everything.

Edred Utomi as Hamilton: I will admit, I was a little bummed to be missing Austin Scott as I’ve heard great things about him. But I was so impressed by Edred! He had killer chemistry with Julia, Sabrina, Nicholas, Ruben, Chris, Carvens, Karli and basically everyone with whom he interacted. His singing and rapping voices were both equally good. I did prefer his Act 2 to his Act 1 though as I think he was more comfortable and really thrived in some of the more emotional numbers i.e. It’s Quiet Uptown in which he absolutely destroyed me. I really have no complaints, he did everything a great Hamilton needs to do and was such a nice guy at stage door. I hope he gets a lot more opportunities to go on in the future and maybe even a principal role in a company.

Julia K. Harriman as Eliza: I was so excited to see Julia as she was amazing in First Burn and the audios I’ve heard of her. Her journey as Eliza was so heartbreaking because she was genuinely so in love with Hamilton and was so betrayed and sad by the events of Act 2 :( she was a very good mix of an angry Eliza and a sad Eliza but she conveyed her  inner strength so well. I can’t even pick a favorite number for her because she wowed me in every song she sang. Plus, her voice is just out of this world and I would love to hear her do some recording in the future.

Nicholas Christopher as Burr: If you couldn’t tell from my review, his Burr was one of the best parts of the show. This role suits him perfectly and he was able really make you sympathize with Burr. It’s such a complex role to play and he did it with aplomb; he had a very distinct difference between Burr’s almost corny fake public persona and his inner ambition and drive. His final verse of Wait for It and his entire Room were religious experiences, plus he was so emotionally impactful in The World Was Wide Enough. I also loved that his Burr was so funny! Burr is usually not a comedic role but he had a much more subtle humor than the characters who are explicitly played for laughs and he had me cracking up. He had so many little moments of characterization that made the payoff in the end that much more worth it. He is now right up there with my all time favorite Burrs and I would kill to see him again.

Sabrina Sloan as Angelica: I knew of Sabrina before she was cast because of her run as Vanessa in ITH, and I was super excited as she was a Vanessa I really enjoyed. She so did not disappoint. I feel like the role of Angelica is being turned into a mostly “sassy” role and sassy can sometimes cross into bitchy or straight up unlikable, but Sabrina really made you feel all of Angelica’s emotions and that is exactly the kind of actress that my favorite character deserves. I obviously loved her in Satisfied because that song is the very thesis of Angelica as a character, but she was also so good in Reynolds Pamphlet and Take a Break. In the gran scheme of the play, Angelica does not get that much to do despite being one of the most well written and complex characters imo, but Sabrina forced you to be so invested in Angelica and feel her every feeling. I adored her.

Carvens Lissaint as Washington: Superb. For those of you who don’t know, Carvens used to tour as a poet before musical theatre and that honestly helped his performance so much. He knew exactly what words to emphasize to punch you right in the gut; his “not yet” was seriously so good how does one make two words so powerful. He has all the gravitas of CJack and has a very gospel-esque voice that he put to WORK in One Last Time. I was so thrilled to see him in this role and I can only wonder what his Burr and Laf/Jeff were like on Broadway.

Chris Lee as Lafayette/Jefferson: THE ACTUAL STAR OF THE SHOW. Listen I am a person who gets very annoyed by the emphasis of Jefferson as a character over the females and Burr in the fandom but god Chris Lee is a revelation I am so sad he is leaving but infinitely glad I was able to see him. Everything he did was so funny. In Act 1, if you looked in the background of any scene he was doing these little body roll dance moves and in Act 2 he just had this super jazzy and unbothered swagger when he walked which were both amazing. His singing is also super underrated as this is not a singing heavy part but he riffed all over the place in What’d I Miss and Story of Tonight. All of his little flourishes in the Cabinet Battles were just golden and he played so well off of Chaundre and Edred. Definitely my favorite Laf/Jeff so far.

Rubén J. Carbajal as Laurens/Philip: He has a man bun now! I enjoyed him more than I thought I would. I wasn’t particularly wowed by him in the bootleg but seeing him live was different. This role is really small but I think it can be one of the best parts of the show when really done well, and while I don’t think Ruben reached that level, he definitely didn’t fall into some of the tropes I really dislike for that character like the smiley death scene or the complete lack of chemistry between Laurens and Hamilton. (Seriously, the boy is 19 and dying I will never understand why some performers insist on making it seem like he’s all mature about it Philip should be TERRIFIED it irks me.)

Chaundre Hall-Broomfield as Mulligan/Madison: I thought he was awesome. His Mulligan was very brash and booming like Oak’s which I liked, and he went really hard during the Yorktown rap. His Madison was FANTASTIC against Chris’s Jefferson. He was such a sweet guy at the stage door too.

Karli Dinardo as Peggy/Maria: She was announced as an understudy right before the show started and she was good! She didn’t really wow me but it’s such a small part I was satisfied with what she did. I preferred her Maria to her Peggy because she was able to add some emotional nuance to the character. She has a really nice voice so that helped. It would have been cool to see Isa but I’m not disappointed, I thought Karli’s performance was super well done.

Peter Matthew Smith as King George III: Good! All King George’s blend together for me honestly but he was funny.

Ensemble: Every moment where the entire company sang together was heavenly and filled the theater so perfectly. The choreography of this whole show is just so great and they were all amazing dancers and added so much to every scene they were in. Appreciate ensemble 2kforever. Jennifer Geller was an excellent bullet and really drew your eye in every scene. Like I said before, Raven’s voice really stood out in some parts which I loved.

Stagedoor: It was kinda awkward because nobody really cheered or anything when the cast came out? But everyone was really nice. Julia, Chaundre, Karli, Edred, and Robbie Nicholson all came out and were super nice and took pictures. I was next to a little girl and they were all so sweet to her. Chaundre passed out flyers for their BCEFA event on Monday too which was cool. When Edred came out someone next to me said they cried and Edred was like “me too!” lol. But there was one girl next to me who was pushing and kept calling the male cast members “dad” and asking when Chris would come out which ugh. We left after Edred bc our ride was there and I think Chris came out after him bc I could hear cheering down the street rip.

If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading my rambles, I enjoyed it so much and couldn’t ask for a better first Hamilton cast! It went above my sky-high expectations and I cannot wait until I get another chance to see it, whenever in the future that may be.

[concertcollector-blog]

“Part Three” by Chase Atlantic (Review)

About a week ago, Chase Atlantic dropped what I’m assuming is the final component of their EP trilogy. Part Three was released with a total of 4 brand new tracks to give fans yet another little taste of what they’ve got planned for the future (at least, I hope they’ve got more planned for the future). While Part One was a total hit for me, Part Two was unfortunately more of a miss in my book. For that reason I was slightly nervous to hear what the band had in store for this EP. Would it wow me like the first installment of this series, or would it just barely meet my expectations like its companion?

Right of the bat I noticed that the band decided to change up the album artwork this time around. The spooky red background and x-ray filtered bodies of the band members sparked my curiosity almost immediately. I soon learned that the new color-scheme really fit the mood of the whole EP, which I do appreciate. The contents of the EP, however, gave me some mixed emotions once again. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Track 1: Drugs & Money

Not to be confused with “Drugs & Candy” by All Time Low, though it shouldn’t be hard to mix up ATL’s delicate ballad with this dangerous, cocky, and fun new track from Chase Atlantic.  

The song opens up the entire EP with creepy forest sounds and disoriented wind chimes, and then immediately fades into a slow, steady, and attention grabbing beat. I was satisfied for the first few moments, until I realized that already, this track sounded a lot some of the other songs Chase Atlantic have released recently. As the first minute of the song passed by, I was hoping the chorus would pick up.

Fortunately, with just a simple cock of a fake gun, “Drugs & Money” transcends into a chorus that is short, sweet, and catchy as hell. “Drugs and fucking money”; the repetitive use of this badass phrase is something that I was expecting from a band like Chase Atlantic. What I appreciate about it this explicit lyric is that this line works for them. They sing about these antics in such an effortless way that I hardly even think twice about the ridiculousness of them.

However, after the high I experienced throughout the chorus of “Drugs & Money”, I came back down to the somewhat disappointing reality that overall, the song wasn’t their most unique. It felt very similar to some of Chase Atlantic’s older songs like “Into It” and “Why Stop Now”. But after listening to this track a few more times, I’ve grown more fond if it and I can definitely see myself rocking out to it more in the future. 

Song rating: 7.5/10

Track 2: Keep It Up

The infamous Chase Atlantic saxophones open up the next song on the EP, “Keep It Up”. This track is definitely my favorite song from Part Three for a few reasons.

The first verse instantly put a smile of relief on my face. I knew at the 15-second mark that this song was going to have a completely different style than “Drugs & Money”, which, in my case, was a good thing. The beat of this song is light, airy, and sweet. From the quick lyrics to funky bass in the background, this song instantly made me want to get up and dance in the middle of my bedroom. 

Following another verse and chorus about being free and “riding the wave”, the track transcends into the bridge, a quieter melody of intimate lyrics, snapping fingers, and of course, the trumpets. I feel like no Chase Atlantic song can be complete without the saxophone, and they sound great no matter how the band uses them. 

The transition from the bridge to the last chorus is probably my favorite part of the entire song. As Mitchel Cave chants on for his love interest to “give it up”, the editing on his vocals and prominent drum beat in the background mesh together perfectly. It makes my body sway from side to side every single time I listen to it. 

But, what I appreciate the most about this song is the fact that it sounds like the Chase Atlantic I fell in love with last year. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bands expanding their horizons, but I think Chase Atlantic make their best music when sticking to their alternative pop/rock roots. “Keep It Up” sounds like it belongs on one of the band’s older EPs, the EPs that initially caught my attention when I first gave the band a go. 

On top of being a naturally groovy and captivating song, “Keep It Up” is a relieving reminder that Chase Atlantic will probably never completely ditch their old sound.

Song rating: 8.5/10

Track 3: 23

Then, after “Keep It Up”, we are brought to my other favorite track on the EP, called “23″. 

Over the last few years, Chase Atlantic has created a handful of slow and intimate songs, including ”Gravity”, “Hold Your Breath” and “Roxanne”. But I have to say, after listening to “23″ a few more times after my initial first impression, I can safely say that it is the best ballad the band has released yet. 

The song opens up with a calm, almost lullaby-esque feeling accompanied by the sounds of a raging storm outside. A smooth transition introduces the first verse, where Cave‘s soft voice sings about mixed emotions, losing his mind, and a struggle to “straighten out”. The first verse definitely caught my attention the first time I listened, and I was eager to hear where this song would go. Needless to say, it only got better from there.

Overall, the more I listen to "23″, the more I seem to fall in love with it. On top of its simple and beautiful melodies, there’s an obvious storyline to this song that I dive deeper and deeper into with each listen. 

I pay very close attention to the words being said, and I truly feel for the girl this song was written about. I don’t know what exactly happened to her, but I also didn’t expect to. I’m sure the band’s intention when writing this song was to keep it up for interpretation, and they did a great job of doing that. 

One lyric that gets me every time is in the chorus: “Baby’s only twenty-three, dancing under lights since she was seventeen”. There is something about that line that is so beautifully said, yet so upsetting at the same time. It’s vague enough to keep her story a secret, but straight-forward enough to let the audience’s imaginations run wild. 

Thanks to the instrumentals, powerful lyrics, and overall vibe of the song, “23″ is the most visual and thought-provoking track on Part Three, and it’s definitely worth a listen. I really appreciate Chase Atlantic for including such a lovely song on this EP. 

Song rating: 8.5/10

Track 4: No Friends (feat. ILoveMakonnen & K Camp)

The final track on Part Three, titled “No Friends”, is probably my least favorite from this EP. What starts out as a song with great potential to be a banger, unfortunately plummets into another basic song that sounds like everything else on the charts right now. 

Let’s start with some pros. I love the introduction of the song. Right away we hear a very promising beat that’s both unique and a little menacing. As it builds up, an Siri-like voice steps in to remind us all that we are in fact listening to Chase Atlantic. It’s a small detail that makes me chuckle every time. 

The first verse of the song is pretty good, in my opinion. I could tell almost immediately that this song would be a lot like “Drugs & Money”, which was a little bit of a concern, considering I like their alt-pop stuff a lot more. But nonetheless, the first verse was not a disappointment. It was catchy and had a lot of potential to wow me.  

The chorus of “No Friends” is even better, and definitely my favorite part of the whole song. Cave’s voice gets very passionate as he sings about his lack of friends on the guest list, and I can totally hear the emotion and shade behind his words. 

The first time I listened to this song I was pretty satisfied. That is, until the song hit the 1:09 mark, and I immediately felt like I had heard this song a hundred times on the radio before. 

One thing I strongly dislike is auto-tuned rap music, but it has been very popular lately. Perhaps Chase Atlantic wanted to experiment with this trend by featuring K CAMP, but my first impression was not thrilled with his verse. After listening to the song multiple times, hoping I’d grow accustomed to it, I still feel disappointed every time the second verse rolls around. 

After another “lit” chorus, the 3rd verse is rapped by ILoveMakonnen, the other artist featured on this track. His part is better than K CAMP’s mostly because he actually has some emotion in his voice as he raps, but it still doesn’t wow me. In my opinion, this song would’ve been great if it was done strictly in the style of Chase Atlantic. 

But, overall, this song is catchy, well-produced, and caters to the side of their fanbase who digs the rap/R&B vibes. I appreciate the effort Chase Atlantic put into experimenting with new sounds, but I’m just not particularly fond of it. 

Song rating: 5.8/10

In conclusion, I still believe Part One is the best installment from Chase Atlantic’s 2017 trilogy, but there are a lot of reasons why Part Two and Part Three are great as well. Part Three, although probably my least favorite out of the series, still shows a lot of growth and passion from the band. 

Chase Atlantic definitely tried some new styles out this time around, and I can see why most fans really enjoy it. My own personal opinion feels otherwise, but nonetheless I will keep jamming out to this EP until they release something new. I am really hoping that a debut album is in the works, and I can’t wait to see what this band does next. 

[godsavethequeen-q]

This One’s For The Girls // Quitt

Who: Brittany Pierce and Quinn Fabray

What: Coffee before Cheerleading Sectionals

When: Sunday January 8th, early morning. 

Notes: Cute friend fluff and boy talk

Quinn It was Sectionals day and Quinn was a nervous wreck as she pulled on her cheerleading skirt and tightened her ponytail. The one thing got to keep when she lost her life at McKinley was her car. She loaded her duffle bag into the car, put on her favorite cheerleading mix CD Brittany made her almost three years ago now, and made her way to Brittany's house. When she pulled into the driveway, Quinn left the car on and bounced up to the front door. She knocked before entering and chanting, "Brittany! Brittany S Pierce! Your chariot awaits!" They were close enough that Quinn could just enter her house whenever the girl wanted to, but Quinn was surprised Brittany's parents weren't home yet from their Christmas trip.

Brittany wasn't nervous mostly because this was the least of her worries. During the day she was fine but at night, she was mostly a wreck. Her date with Finn Friday eased her worries a bit since it had gone really well. The reason she didn't want to mention that it was with him was because practically everyone knew how much he liked Rachel and she couldn't help but be a little disappointed when she realized she wanted another date but he'd have feelings for someone else at the same time. Having a weekend busy with hangouts and competitions helped out for distractions. She double checked her bag, lifting her cat off of it every time he crawled on top. She heard Quinn at the door, giggling at her words and carried her bag with her, all set in her uniform as well. "Hello, gorgeous!" She greeted when opening it up and locking it behind her. "Thank you very much," She hugged her before going to the passenger's side.

Quinn Brittany had a way of making each and every one of her friends feel incredible every time she was around them and Quinn was so thankful for that. Quinn returned the hug, squeezing a little extra before letting go and the two blondes bounced to her car. "I'll always be your ride, Britt." Quinn noted as they backed out of the driveway and headed to the Lima Bean. The two jammed out on the short ride there. Once inside, Quinn ordered their coffees and they found a cozy seat by the fire place. "Are you ready for today?" Quinn asked as she tucked her legs up onto the seat underneath herself. "I'm totally nervous. I mean, I think we've got it in the bag, but I'm totally freaking out a little bit." Quinn told Brittany. "Mostly, I think I'm just worried about seeing the old squad again." she confessed between sips of coffee.

Brittany followed Quinn to the fireplace with her drink in hand. The girl much preferred hot chocolate or milkshakes but it was what was keeping her awake. The exception was the sugary flavors. "I am! After all our practices and with your help, I'm not worried." She said and smiled softly at her. "You are the Captain so I'm not surprised you are. Still, don't focus on that too much. It'll go just fine." She let her know, forgetting about the fact that she'd see her old team members. "Do you think they'd like, start fighting with you? You guys couldn't have ended on that much of bad terms. If they weren't good against the new cheerleaders well, that's not your fault."

Quinn just shrugged and thought about it for a moment. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. "Idk. Sugar felt abandoned when I left. I just assume every felt that way." she said, pursing her lips and thinking about the last time she was in the McKinley gym. Shaking her head and her bouncy ponytail, Quinn tried to push those thoughts away. "Okay. happy things! How did your date go Friday? Will you at least give me details if you won't tell me about the guy?" Quinn asked Brittany, pouting slightly so her friend would give her some details. Quinn was happy Brittany was dating, but she felt like her friend was being very secretive lately and she wasn't sure why. Quinn was hoping she would get to the bottom of that soon. 

Brittany laughed lightly as she noticed her pout. She did want to tell her everything. After all, she and Ryder were the two people caring most about her. "Alright, alright. I personally...really liked it. He was sweet, he made me laugh, and trusted me with some stuff he told me. I didn't think I was that into him until we went but still, I don't want to get my hopes up. There is another date though." She smiled and blushed while thinking about it. "How about your date? I still want to know more details on that. And more if there is any."

Quinn Listening intently, Quinn couldn't help but notice the sweet smile forming on Brittany's lips. She hadn't seen her talk about a love interest like this in a long time. "Why wouldn't you want to get your hopes up?" Quinn asked her friend. "It sound like you guys had a great time. You have another date! That's a really good sign, B! What's holding your heart back?" Quinn was concerned that Brittany was going to ruin things before they started, but she didn't want to tell Brittany she was self sabotaging herself. That was too harsh for a perfect unicorn like Britt to hear. "I told you. We got tipsy and watched this great band. Lots of making out. That super cute picture of us that I posted. He came over last night too and we just hung out together. He says he really likes spending time with me and we've basically spent the whole weekend together, if you count tonight. I don't know though... I don't know if we are going anywhere. "

Brittany took a deep breath and wondered if she would reveal too much. She slightly shrugged while tracing the rim of her cup. "Because...I know that he's into someone else. Like, a lot." She admitted and sighed. "I don't know. I wouldn't want to be in the way of anything." It was a chance she was taking but wasn't quite sure what he even thought of these dates. They were fun, no doubt about that but did they mean as much to him as they did for her? "That was an adorable picture! You guys would look cute together." She complimented, hoping that there was indeed more for both of them. They made each other happy which she wasn't sure if people noticed, but Brittany did. "Why don't you know?"

Quinn "Hmmm" Quinn mused while sipping her coffee. She had to think about this one for a minute. She was hoping she would guess who the guy was, but Quinn had no recent memory of someone Brittany had been talking to a lot that could be into someone else, except for Ryder. And she knew that Brittany wasn't going on dates with Ryder. "Well, if this guy is calling it a date and wants to go on another one with you, then I think you have a much bigger shot than you think. Sometimes when you're playing the waiting game for someone, the right person actually comes along and sweeps you off your feet. I bet he's already yours and you're just a little self-conscious about it." It was hard to assess the situation when Quinn didn't know who the guy actually was at this point. "Well, I mean, he makes a point to say that I'm not his girlfriend to everyone. And he says he doesn't want one all the time. So I just don't know... If he wanted to be my boyfriend I'd so be down, but I don't think it's going to get there." Quinn explained her situation with Puck. it was so confusing because they had so much fun together and it seemed like they meant a lot to each other. However, there was a little black cloud named commitment that was rearing it's ugly head.

Brittany Quinn's words helped put her mind at ease. Perhaps Quinn knowing who it was, would change her mind but she was going to enjoy the encouragement for now. "Thank you, Q. I'll remember that. Of course, I'll be sure to update you on my handsome mystery person." She winked before taking a sip of her coffee. "You have to admit that he's not someone to talk about his feelings, you know? You never know how things will turn out. What if, you were the one to ask him? I don't think that's so bad." She wanted her to be happy and truly wondered if Puck would take a chance in being in a relationship. Quinn was a good person and there was no reason why someone else woudn't realize that too.

Quinn "Come on B... not even a hint at who he is?" Quinn joked, poking her best friend to tickle her playfully. 'I don't want to ask him." Quinn said solemnly. "I mean, I don't want to physically be rejected. I would rather live in limbo." she told the girl honestly. "Like, I want the romance part. I want him to ask me. I want it to be cute and to feel all the butterflies and all the good stuff. If he wants to be my boyfriend, he has to ask me. I don't think that is a lot to ask when I've given him... well everything?" Looking down at the table, Quinn sighed heavily. Puck was a high point in her life right now, but thinking about him not being there just made her even more stressed out. "Does that even make any sense?" she asked, looking up at Brittany with some worry in her eyes.

Brittany giggled as she debated it. "Only if you pinkie swear to everything in the world to not bring it up to him. Or bother him about me. It should be his decision." She said to assure her so he wouldn't be pressured or feel weirded out. If he wasn't telling people, that was possibly another sign. "You don't wanna live in a game, Q." She let her know when mentioning limbo. Spotting how clearly Quinn had thought this through, she wanted them to work out. "Yeah, that makes sense." She smiled softly while looking up at her eyes. "I'm hoping he does ask you out. Mostly because even if he says he doesn't want to date, he spends a whole lot of time with you for someone who isn't his girlfriend." She mentioned.

Quinn squealed with delight and held out her pinky. She wrapped it tight around Brittany's and pulled her friend a little closer to her. With their foreheads almost touching, Quinn said, "I pinky swear on everything in the world I will not talk about you to the mystery man or bother him about you." Quinn told her friend. "Unless he asks me!" she added quickly. When the topic was back on Puck, Quinn just nodded for a moment. " i know right? I'm just... I am weary. What if he's spending his time not with me with other girls? What if he's just a love the one youre with kind of person?" she asked genuinely.

Brittany couldn't help but laugh at her reaction. Brittany wrapped her pinkie around Quinn's, squeezing it just a bit to remind her not to do so. "Fine, fine. If he tells you, and reveals that I'm the mystery person, then you can talk about it. A little. But no pushing!" She said and took a deep breath. "It's Finn," She whispered while glancing around them. "I doubt that. He hasn't said anything to anyone about other girls. I'm pretty sure he would be more flirty." She bumped her shoulder with hers gently. "You can't think too much about it like that. Things are looking really good for you guys. If he ​is​ thinking on asking you out, he might need time since it's new to him."

Quinn "I just feel like a lot of time has passed and we aren't going anywhere. I'm going to give it a little more time and then make a decision if nothing happens." she told the other blonde. As Brittany got real close, she noticed how her friend scoped the coffee shop to make sure nobody was listening and Quinn couldn't help but think how cute it was. "Oh my GOD! BRITTANY!" Quinn shouted a little louder than she meant to. Quieting down, Quinn grabbed Brittany's hand in excitement. "So you're worried about the fact he liked Rachel right? I really don't think you have to worry about that all that much. Finn is a really honest guy and he wouldn't call it a date if it wasn't a real date. Like, he would just say you were hanging out." Quinn tried to explain but she felt like she was making it worse. "Okay. This is very exciting. When is the next date?"

Brittany pout but understood her hesitance on the subject. "Alright. Good! If he doesn't make a move, you should. And then text me about it." When Quinn shouted she held her hand and squeezed it a bit. "Q!" She giggled while shaking her head, her smile growing when she saw her excitement though. At least she wasn't the only one. "Yeah, I am." She confirmed. "I know, I know. I asked Rachel how she felt too and she said that she didn't mind at all. Besides..the way he talked about her when we hung out? I don't know.." She said softly, not meaning to get so down about it. "It's next weekend at the aquarium. Do you have another with Puck?"

Quinn could see the hesitance in Brittany's face as she mentioned Rachel. "You know how you always do everything for your friends, Britt?" Quinn asked, trying to figure out a way down this path without offending anybody. "I think that this one time, you should think about yourself. And you should do what makes you really happy. And I hope that leads to lots of dates and making out with Finn. But maybe just this one time, it would be okay if you were selfish and you didn't worry about other people and just... go after what you want with no thoughts of other people." She hoped that made sense to Brittany without insulting the girl. She was such a caring soul but Quinn wanted her friend to be happy. She didn't care if Rachel Berry was happy. Laughing a bit as Brittany asked about Puck, Quinn just shook her head no. "He came over last night because he was feeling down about something and we we cuddled and just fell asleep together." she confided in Britt the details of her life with Puck, knowing she could trust the other cheerleader. "And we have the party tonight. He's also coming to the competition today!" Quinn relly couldn't hide her excitement about the boy showing up to Sectionals.

Brittany nodded her head a bit at her question. It was what she did, she wanted to help everyone out and make sure her friends were alright. There was no doubt about hoping there'd be following dates, and make outs as she said. "Thank you." She said before leaning over to hug her tight. "I'll try to remember, I promise. I hope he is happy when we hang out though. Besides, if anyone kisses me, they'll forget whoever they thought they were into." She said to boost her own confidence and laughed softly. "No way! See? He's totally into you. Ugh, it's freaking adorable." She watched as Quinn showed her excitement. "Darn, I should've invited Finn to come. That would have been cute." The fact that Puck was coming made the blonde wish the best for them. "I can't wait for tonight. It's gonna be a blast, no surprise. Plus I'm sure you and Puck are going to be non-stop making out."

Quinn returned the hug with just as much enthusiasm as Brittany. Quinn wasn't much of a hugger, but she would always have a hug for Brittany. "I haven't kissed you, but I know for a fact you're right." Quinn said as she pulled away. While she talked about Puck, she could tell Brittany was over the moon about it. "He was feeling really low last night. He wouldn't tel me anything except that two girls were bitching him out about stuff. I was surprised he actually wanted to just come over and hang out like that, but it was sweet. You can't tell him I told you though! I told him I would never say anything." Quinn laughed and blushed at the thought. When Brittany mentioned inviting Finn, Quinn smiled widely. "I was actually texting him last night, before I knew any of this, and he is coming! He said he was excited to watch me and you cheer... this is all making sense now..." Quinn trailed off, teasing Brittany slightly.

Brittany "That's your loss." She teased her while sitting back in her spot. Last night made Brittany worry about why he got that message but genuinely hoped he didn't believe whoever it was. That and the two girls being upset with him well, she was relieved Quinn was with him to have him feel better. "I won't! I wouldn't want to risk it. Even if it is the cutest thing ever." She giggled. "I'm happy you were there for him though. Both of you are just the sweetest, huh?" When Quinn said that he'd be coming, she blushed once more and couldn't wait to spot him in the stands. "He is?! Awesome!" She shook her head while laughing at her. "Suuure it is."

Quinn "Yeah well, he was there for me when my dad.. you know. So I want to be there for him." Quinn said with a nonchalant shrug. At the mention of Finn, Brittany lit up like a Christmas tree. "You are soooo cute. Your face gets all pink when we talk about him. I support this 1000000%." Quinn told her friend. Looking down at her watch, Quinn noticed the time and sighed. She had wanted to talk about Sugar, but figured that issue wasn't going away any time soon so she wouldn't spoil the good girl talk with family talk. "We should hit the road, my friend. But I'm very happy we had this coffee hour. I needed to relax. Thank you." Quinn leaned down and kissed Brittany's forehead as she wlked over to the trash to throw her cup away. As she watched Brittany saunter over she said, "The Cheerios won't know what hit them,"

Brittany nodded when she mentioned her father. Every time she missed him she wished she could do something to make her pain easier to deal with. "I see. It seems to be working." She smiled while she stood up and shook her head. "It'd cold! My cheeks are going to get pink," She said as an excuse, but more than glad Quinn was supporting her. "Sorry we couldn't do it sooner. I enjoy this all the time." She tossed out her own cup in the trash as well. "Let's goo!"

[dcnativegal]

Grace, and its twin sister, Gratitude

Two days before Thanksgiving, and 2 days after driving home from Saint Helena California, I went to our writers group in Paisley, called Easy Writers. After we shared various bits we’d written, we had our writing prompt. Gratitude. So, I wrote this.

“One cannot go straight to gratitude if there is a deep anger that hasn’t been recognized, bowed to respectfully, and aired. Let the wind fan the flames. Let the anger burn to ashes, quietly, but with all due crackles.

             Brush the ashes away.

Then build a chair out of the gifts that were always there, though hidden. Even if there is only one gift, that you were conceived and born.

             Sit in the chair you have built.

             Forgive that which has burned and is no more.

             Finally, rest in gratitude.

I just returned from a retreat in which I worked on a series of steps – from awareness to anger, then to compassion and forgiveness. If I’m asked to reflect on Gratitude, I think, I am still and always forgiven, and I am so very grateful for that. I am grateful I’ve survived this far. That there were positive legacies from my parents, alongside the deprivation.

That I can let go of anger, as well as patterns that I inherited but don’t have to perpetuate. (Like self-loathing. I really don’t need that pattern.)

And I also know that forgiveness requires actual labor to be born, complete with screams and tears.

             And then the result is a new life called Grace, and her twin sister,

Gratitude.”

+++++++++++++

My spirit guide needs coffee.

I spent 7 days in Napa Valley at a nonprofit retreat space in White Sulphur Springs in Napa County. I’d signed up for The Hoffman Process, paid for by my sister who’d just been through the Process in August. Her husband did it in October. We three have been Hoffmanized.

What does that mean exactly? Well, at one point I was sitting uncomfortably on the floor with a yellow whiffle bat in my hands, beating a large pillow, and chanting to myself “There is enough. Enough God. Enough Love, Enough food, Enough money. I am enough. I will honor You by thriving.” I know that I was chanting this because I stopped and wrote it down while 36 other fellow humans were pounding away all around me. We were SUPPOSED to be beating out negative patterns that we’d either inherited during our childhoods from our parents (and surrogate parents if we had any), or that we’d adopted in strict opposition to parental behavior. In my case, I adopted habits of observing my depressed mother very closely: that power of observation of humans serves me very well as a therapist. But I also adopted her habit of self-loathing. So I ‘bashed’ my self-loathing. And a bunch of other stuff. (We made a list of 25 WORST patterns for each parent!) So, I was seeking something positive. That’s where the There is ENOUGH came in. I guess you could call it an affirmation. And it came spontaneously to me.

It was an emotionally challenging week; at times, exhausting. We were to consult our emotional selves, our Intellect selves, our Spiritual selves, and a Spirit Guide. My Spirit Guide was pretty quiet. He was basically monosyllabic. But they were good syllables: Trust. Hope.  Pretty key for my week.

We did a lot of guided visualizations. I pictured my emotional self as about 8 years old, often with arms crossed and a pouty face. And a potty mouth. “This is bullshit” she’d say. Or, “this won’t work, I’m still unlovable.” Basically an attitude early in the week of “Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, guess I’ll go eat dirt.” In fact, I had to metaphorically unplug my powerful, well-calibrated Bullshit Detector early on, thank it for its faithful service, and put it a suitcase in the car. I figured, I trust my sister and she’s invested 5 grand to send me here. These people seem okay. I need help, so I better dig in and hope for the best. One woman expressed what some of us were thinking: when do we drink the Kool Aid? Nervous laughter. Turned out, we were in Napa County so it was more like a non-alcoholic Zinfindel, a liquid Hope. I think every one of us drank that, and left feeling as though we really could be happier, more heart- and spirit-centered, more service-oriented, less guarded and stuck.  

We were reassured by a sign on the wall that said, You cannot fail the process.

Some of ‘the process’ felt like an emotional archaeological dig, using first jackhammers, and then delicate brushes. We remembered our childhoods, going back to scenes in memories. The purpose was to look for the roots, the taproots, of poisonous weeds and pull them out. And then get rid of them. We actually made posters of images and words that hold us back. Then in a ceremony, we threw them in a fireplace, and declared our new found intentions. Mine was: I am lovable, and I am beautiful. I still feel lovable. The beautiful is only in Valerie’s eyes, and not in my own, but that’s okay.

My feelings of sadness were dispelled pretty quickly at this place, and replaced by anxious hopefulness. As I survived more of the process, with the support of the teachers, my small group members, and some of the friends I was making, the anxiety went down. All of us were learning new tools to apply to the old behaviors. There were boxes of tissues in every space, and they were emptied and replaced. The assembled crew was 9 males, 28 females, ranging from a wide-eyed child of 24 to a grizzled Mr. Crankypants of 73 who’d be awarded a trophy of “most opened” if there were such a thing.

The Hoffman Process has been honed by 50 years of experimentation. There was a great deal of familiar (to me) psychological theory at work during the week. No therapy is 100% effective for everyone.  But when we shared stories of what got us to this 7-day adventure, people mentioned how they had noticed that a “Hoffman Grad” was different when they got home: happier, calmer, nicer. One woman told a story of a store owner who’d served a particularly bitchy customer for years. One day, Miss Bitchy came in and was nice and courteous and patient. Finally, store owner told her she noticed how much happier she seemed. Miss Transformed said, The Hoffman Process.

Apparently Bonnie Raitt did it years ago, and John Denver. Other famous folks, too, including a beautiful actress Thandie Newton, perhaps best known for the movie, Crash.

The Hoffman Process even has a Spotify channel, a soundtrack to the week. The music was played strategically, and was highly effective. At one point it was used for fun. After another long evening of reflection, we were asked to lie on our backs with our heads toward the center of the circle. We lay there with our eyes closed until they said open. The ceiling was full of lights that looked like galaxies moving, and John Lennon’s Imagine played. We all sang along and most of us (except for maybe Mr. Most Opened) knew every word. Magical.

We had name tags with our childhood nicknames on it until a great reveal the evening before the final day. We were encouraged not to tell our professions. And no wifi or cell phone for 6 of the 7 days. Our ceremony of revelation was really something: a slow parade of people who told us what they do for a living, and what their real names are. Toad became Todd. Schmoot became Lauren. Teep became Stephen. I went from Janie to Jane. And I’m an addiction counselor and psychotherapist to a very rural and poor part of an Eastern Oregon county.

++++

On the last night I was in Saint Helena, we who were staying the night after our last workshop had to go forage for food in the town. About 15 of us morphed and reshuffled into groups based on available cars and culinary pickiness. We parked near one place, and I told my driver friend I was off to get cash at an ATM. I did that, and rejoined the biggest clump of people, noticing that my driver friend was not around, but figured maybe she went off with the other participant. Half of us marched in the cold behind someone who’d heard of a fun place. We got there, it was outdoors, although with heat lamps, and again half said we’ll stay, so we remaining 4 ordered elaborate hamburgers (mine was vegetarian). I’m mostly done with my burger and who should show up, but the driver and our friend. They’d been looking for me all this time! Once they located me, they said well okay then, we’re going to find someplace warmer. Off they went, and one of my Hoffie dinner friends says, Don’t feel guilty, Janie. ACK. I did feel guilty.  I ran straight into one of my patterns: that no one notices me because I am not worth noticing.  Finally, they gave up on finding any other place, joined us, and we shared our sweet potato fries. Everyone told me to nip the guilt in the bud. Like Maya Angelou once said, when you know better you do better. Now I know better. I am not invisible. I belong just as well and just as awkwardly as everyone else. The Process came to the fore right then in real time.

I talked to my sister about this, and although she is way more beautiful and smarter than I am, she has this same tendency; to assume that she is not important. She looked at that pattern during her Process, too. She reminded me how much we were on our own in our family, with dad providing for us by working two jobs and mother struggling with her mental health. We were not read to, or asked about our day. Oh poor us, I know: we were fed and sheltered. But we picked up somehow that we were to be dragged along and not make a fuss. I was surprised my sister has this pattern too. We are going to keep bashing it until we allow ourselves to count more, in some humble way, if we have something to contribute. Which I knew we both do.

             For the record, The Hoffman Process is done in Napa Valley, Connecticut, Australia and England. They have scholarships. It makes a whole lot of sense to do the Process if you are feeling stuck in patterns of behavior or thoughts that are keeping you from being fully your best self, ready every day to heal the world. If you sign up, you will be surrounded by accomplished people who are for the most part much wealthier than you are (if you’re like me. Say, a social worker, and bad with money.) But the fact that we hid our professions equalized us, and we became a motley collection of seekers with an unbelievable amount of pain inside each of us.

             I started the week scanning the crowd for who was fat like me, who would judge me for being plain. The richer the folk, the skinner and more conventionally attractive. As the week went on, I was embraced and recognized. For, guess what, yeah you guessed it, my sense of humor and my knitting. There were two queer people there whom I zoomed in on right quick. I had someone to talk to at dinner (when it wasn’t a silent dinner.) By the end of the week, I had gone to the hot tub in all my fleshiness, taught a beautiful young surfer how to knit, and hated myself a little less.

Here’s a poem from our workbook, which was filled with poems and quotations:

You are not broken;

Childhood suffering is not a mortal wound,

And it did not irrevocably shape your destiny.

 You need not remove,

Destroy,

Or tear anything out of yourself in order

to build something new.

 Your challenge is not to keep trying to repair what was damaged;

Your practice instead is to reawaken

what is already wise, strong,

And whole within you,

To cultivate those qualities of heart and spirit

That are available to you in this very moment.

 By Wayne Muller, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood.

 That particular bit of writing goes against the Process philosophy that something unhealthy must indeed be torn ‘out of yourself in order to build something new.’  But it’s all metaphorical anyway.  Here’s another one that I think we can all agree on:

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect,

He becomes an adolescent.

The day he forgives them,

He becomes an adult;

The day he forgives himself,

He becomes wise.

             By Alden Nowlan

 I am grateful to be a little wiser. And I will working on forgiving myself, and loving myself as best I can until those are stronger muscles of self care. Then perhaps I can be of more and better service in the world, and feel a deeper joy. Life is short. Feel joy first.