#like we havent spoken in like idk 8 years lol

[itsays]

i remember when we got a new girl from chile at my catholic school and the whole time she was just having a horrible time because she had never been to catholic school in her life

[transrightsjimin]

went to the lifestyle coach (who basically only knows abt food lol) w my autism coach and the appointment went better than awful, i guess, nd apparently what the lifestyle coach is trying to sell me is not the keto diet but ‘guidelines‘ or ‘advice‘ that’s similar to keto but which i dont need to follow completely and instead make my own. but jfc what else do i make of a ‘low carb, high natural fat‘ food advice thats intended for diabetes type 2 and ‘obese‘ people??

i do absolutely need to make some changes in how i eat, e.g. eat more regularly, choose for a regular lunch instead of snacks, etc but the whole booklet w do‘s and don’ts that she gave me is just *everything i at least somewhat like to eat is a don’t* *every hipster food that’s with grains and seeds or too sour or just. fucking raw vegetables is a do*

i just want to cry, i got referred to her bc im dealing w nausea and extreme thirst and stomach problems from what i suspect is stress, but instead she wants me to work towards cutting bread and rice and such from what i eat. why is all the fucking disgusting hip food and drinks all in the ‘less carbs, good‘ section BLERGH

at least my autism coach did agree w me that the lifestyle coach doesnt know how to deal w autistic ppl, like dropping these awkward dead silences while giving me these weird 8) smirks, offering me to take part in a workshop on how to sleep better despite the course not having exact set dates yet nd not being made for autistic ppl. the lifestyle coach also said she felt attacked by my autism coach when being politely asked to be more concise w me bc im autistic and need more clarity and structure, nd my autism guide was rly confused abt the sudden offense. like my “lifestyle” coach truly reminds me of an overly emotional, floaty high school art teacher who is never clear abt what she means and talks in metaphors nd gets angry when you want her to get to the point.

im just tired, like, i think all i truly need in the end is cognitive behavioural therapy to deal w anxieties, but psychologists / specialists / doctors that ive spoken to so far in the past like, 6 years, all have disregarded my discussions of it.  i never know how to explain it, like to one of my former psychologists i mentioned that i wanted to talk more abt anxiety, i used the word ‘angsten‘ , which is the word for anxiety i guess? though it’s never used like that and it means fears, but otherwise i’d have to make it ‘angststoornis‘ or anxiety disorder, which seems like such a heavy word when undiagnosed and all my psychologists have been so against diagnosing.

but either way, it’s all reduced to this discussion of ‘stress‘ but ive had CBT only very briefly before that psychologist moved away again and i havent worked much on trying to improve my thought patterns. i srsly believe my body has been acting up so badly over the past few years due to stress but i dont know what to do abt it. like idk how to get rid of stress / anxiety when it’s occupying all of my thoughts for most of my life up to the point where i wouldnt even know where to begin, like it’s just so.. in everything. back when i still had therapy we would focus on only 1 or 2 things at a time and eventually i had to fill in these lists w thoughts and counterthoughts etc but they were all just extra homework so i got more stressed and forgot to keep doing it just like school homework. like i just rly dont know how to get rid of stress!! i have headaches and nausea and stress 24/7 and i cant fucking enjoy shit bc of it. idk if i want to get into therapy again and get stuck in the whole process of getting through so many therapists bc they all have to leave after a few months bc of contracts ending or pregnancy or internship and they all have different techniques which often come down to more homework that i cant keep up w.

im just so fucking done and yet i need more help and idk if i can get that from this floaty, vague “lifestyle“ coach who just assumes all my physical problems from the past few years are bc i eat bread every day and takeaway once a week. i want to fucking puke just looking at the alternative foods she recommends. i hate cooking and i dont care abt eating, i dont want to make this even harder for myself by having to eat disgusting things.

[leehallfae]

Uhh for the wlw asks

2,4,8,10,15, aaand 29 (plus add any more since it's cool to learn about people and sometimes talking about stuff feels nice :) )

thank you for the ask !!! 💌

2. talk about the girl who made you realize you liked girls

she was my best friend in middle school. she ended up becoming toxic & being sort of awful to some other friends, but we used to be very close. she was always so sweet to me. she was super outgoing & bubbly and always lifted my mood. that was a time in my life when my social anxiety had gotten very bad very suddenly, but she was always so patient with me & was kind to me despite the fact that i was a bit of a mess most of the time. i used to write dumb lil poems about her. i havent spoken to her in a few years but i have really nice memories of her :,)

4. do you have a crush at the moment?

i have a big gay crush on my lovely partner who i adore with my whole heart

8. what’s your gaydar like?

usually if i think “oh that person is definitely not cishet” i’m right about it, but i can’t always tell, obviously. i like being surprised i guess? lol

10. intimidating girls or kind girls?

kind !!!!!!! kind always !!!!! <3

15. what’s the best thing about liking girls?

it helps me like myself. i feel so disconnected from how cishet girls interact & everything, it’s really alienating, but loving girls just feels so natural & Right compared to that. its like, if i love these qualities in other women, i can love them in myself.

24. who was the first person you came out to?

i first came out as gay to the girl i had a crush on… i was shaking soso badly but i wrote down “i think i might be bi” & gave her the paper to see. she was really kind abt it & respected the fact that i didn’t want anyone else to know. i think she knew i liked her, looking back, which is kind of embarrassing, but also kind of sweet? idk, she was just so nice to me always. and i first came out as nonbinary to my partner :-)

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 1A - “The Hufflepuffs are too nice even for me”-Ruthie

This is not the tribe I would have picked. I do not know anyone here which means I am at a disadvantage from the start. However, I am really connecting with Jules right now so maybe I can vibe with them enough to get an immediate ally. But I still need someone else. I am still figuring out my tribe so it will take me a hot minute to adjust. I hope I am not the first boot. I am going to pull my weight in this challenge and pull my first W ever!

I'm fucked, Jess knows how i play bc she literally just hosted me for Old west like a month ago. Whoops. Also joanna is in a competely different house than be so I'm crying. So far I do like my other housemates but we'll see how much of a slytherin they truly are as the days go by.

why. does. this. cast. have. to. be. full. of. icons. i'm really not that good at survivor?? hopefully i do okay??? just tryna be social and shit. (also Ravenclaw is the best)

I’m heading to bed and the boys are about to have a call... I hope an all boys alliance isn’t about to form I’m not here for that! So far I’ve just talked to Kevin and Lily one on one and so far I really like both of them! I’m going to get to know the others tomorrow. This cast is so iconic. I talked to Owen before I read that we weren’t supposed to and he and I are going to go to final two together if neither of us get voted out!

i am SO NERVOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE ANY INITIAL GOOD VIBES ABOUT ANYONE ON MY TRIBE!!!!!! NOT A PERSON!!!!!!!! AND I DONT WANT TO BE THAT ANNOYING BITCH ASKING THEM QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR LIVES!!!! AND SHIT!!!!!!!!! ugh i dont want to be first boot EITHER LIKE!!!!!!! ugh. uGH.

Me and Jules are literally kindred souls. I love her so much already and she is my ride or die for the rest of the season. Fuck these other bitches!

Why do I feel like I am the only one putting in effort for this challenge. At least this means I will be safe for a hot minute, right?

Okay so... Max and Landen still haven't accepted my friend request I noticed when I just tried to message them.  I'm still talking to Kevin and Lily A LOT!  Kevin is so easy to talk to and Lily is too and she and I have SO much in common!  I really like the idea of aligning with the two of them but I'm too nervous to suggest it just yet. 

 Also, my wand was special and I got a special idol hunt out of it!  I didn't find anything but still!  I'm glad that I at least got one word??  Not sure if our team will win a reward or not but it would be nice!

Honestly, my tribe seems to be particularly inactive and nonchalant. I am the most active person here, in my opinion. It is kind of frustrating, however, to be the only one trying in this challenge except for the very few and far between exceptions. Joshua even forgot about the challenge entirely! I hope to God that these people, if we have to go to tribal because we lose the immunity challenge, do not vote me out. Honestly, it would make no sense since I am already proving that I will be a challenge asset and very active. I would make the best ally out of everyone on my tribe! I would be allies with myself!

I LOVE YOU OWEN BUT PLEASE GO SUCK A DICK. You need to stop. Wth, go back to school so we can get some points. You too Kevin DX But we're in the lead so far *knock on wood* and hopefully stay that way. Love Jess and I hope I can take her to like f4 but I think I want to take Joanna and Owen to f3 if I even make it that far

This cast.... WHOA!!!! feel like yall had to put some of these ppl under imperius curse to get them back because I havent seen these faces in a WHILE!!!! Ruthie is a queen, first thing we messaged to each other was f2 <333 love her but dont trust that she wont turn on me at some point lol. Raffy my little island of shade bro, and Autumn <3 crossroads queen.... nice to see some of my children back here. I'm glad Jess is in the game because I like her a lot but I did just disappoint her in eve's challenge game so...we will see. but i love jess regardless :) ummmm... so happy I was sorted onto the brain tribe, then immediately proceeded to fuck up several times in the spelling challenge LOL

My tribe is nice though. I'm glad I'm with Dan - we have a weird history in games, but we've both been here for 7/8 years at this point and our ancient bones will prob work together. I already think him and Jules are going to be my alliance on this tribe <3 jules is AMAZING but I can tell they (? is this correct pronouns i dont remember and it wasnt in the posts) are a social legend and are going to be on EVERYONE's good side. love them though already, we have a lot in common and it was easier to talk to them + also get into a bit of game chat.

Joanna and Miguel....not so much. I like them both fine, but they don't know how to converse. I asked them all a shit ton of questions and they didn't ask a SINGLE thing back???? Like...okay work! I can't do it all for you, give me somethin!!!! I do like them both, it's just....they don't give a shit about me! LOL

Miguel is also an awkward one because I played with him LEGIT five years ago or more, in a game where we were on opposite sides. I'd rather work with him based on that connection than not but...apparently he already told Jules that we were against each other before??? and he's barely spoken to me so whatever. I like him, he's cute and he's funny, but.... if he's telling people more about me than he's willing to even get out of me myself, it's a no from me :)

WOOHOOOO WE WON REWARD!! I DIDN'T REALLY HELP (i tried but with no success) BUT I'M STILL REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT! THANK GOD FOR OWEN

Well it’s day 2, we just lost reward but Immunity is still up for grabs!! Hopefully it’s something we can excell it but 👀 a bitch don’t have many skills so we gon have to see on that one! Other than that we got to know our tribe mates, I have a really good tribe! First off there is Ruthie who I played an old season of TS with and I worked with her BUT also voted her out :c so maybe we can work together and look past that? She was a really good ally of mine but it didn’t work out. I’ve loved talking to her again tho <3 then there is Lily! A new person to me but I absolutely adore her I love her energy she’s so talkative our conversations have been really good! If I had it my way I would work with her in this game, but I don’t want to force anything so I’m not gonna bring that up to her this early. Then there is landen another familiar face to me, I played also a TS season with him, and we had a rocky relationship in that game, not really do in part to either of us just how the cards fell. I did NOT vote him out but we didn’t end our game relationship on the best terms. He seems the least eager to want to talk to me which is not a good sign bc I remember him being so outgoing in 2020 and that energy not being matched here worries me. He also addressed me as “mr. 2020 winner” in our first talk so <3 maybe he might target me <3 thays so fun <3 lastly there is MAX! Max is fun, kinda loud but in a good way, he wasn’t all that helpful in the challenge for reward (him nor landen were all that active) and we had a good first conversation and then it’s seemingly gone downhill? I still have to see if our momentum picks back up before I decide what my plans with him are, i wouldn’t mind working with him if possible but he is also fairly close to landen (apparent after an over 2 hour long call last night.. IN THE TRIBE CHAT) so if landen has a distaste for me he’ll definitely spread that to max if he has the choice, so I gotta tread carefully but only time will tell how I end up fairing on this tribe :o WISH ME LUCK 

It is second day of school and I already hate everyone. It seems that I actually went back to Junior high where everyone's playing PENIS on the great hall. I forgot how it felt to play with teenagers and I'm not here for it. I think I'll be a true ravenclaw and isolate myself reading a book or learning new spells cause I don't have many interests in common with these people. On a side note I'm really happy to be a Ravenclaw, and I actually like our team, I think we are strong and I hope I'm not in danger if we do lose, I'll try to work on my foreigner charm and start faking even more my mexican accent if that's what I need to do in order to stay, Jules is amazing, loved her and I hope we can work well together. Also I love the whole castle idol hunt idea , so... charming.

First things first... this cast is... BONKERS. I didn't expect it to be as stacked as it is..

I'm scared.

I hate it here.

There are sooo many weird relationships here which is kind of a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing about it is... I THINK that means some people got beef and I can maybe piggy back off of some of these relationships... IDK I'm not trying to think too deep into anything right now.

BUT... y'all put me on a tribe with someone who just single handily put me out of a game TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO and I'd like to complain to your MANAGERS @hosts.

In all seriousness I'm going to try and have fun in this game and not take it entirely tooo seriously.

ALSO.. my fucking wand gave me the option for a "quest" yesterday but it'd have to remove me from the tribe chat... so obviously... I gave the quest to someone else. Aka: Jacob.. who I knew would be a selfish bitch and take the quest. I also knew the likelihood of him telling me about what actually happened were high and I'd virtually get no weird looks my way because I WASN'T the one who was removed from the tribe chat. This basically ensured that I got to know what the quest was, its potential contents, and paint a target on someone else rather than myself in case there was virtually nothing to base the first couple of votes on... right?

I think I'm onto something with the idol guesses. There's weird storylines in them and I THINK if I can somehow get to the green house and find the other ingredients that were in Snape's writing I'll be onto something.

Also me and Jacob snapped in that Reward challenge and these HEATHENS should thank us for single-handily giving them a reward. Nick randomly slept all god damn day.. which really annoyed me. We have a reward and you are gonna SLEEP ALL DAY? SIR? I get real life happens but at least hide the fact you sleeping sis.

My tribe is literally probably the LAST TRIBE I wanted to end up on because well.. 1. Nick is shady and social. He might take the fact that I was loyal to people in the other game into account. I've tried the whole "I start off each game fresh and no hard feelings" spell but will he accept it? Tune in folks. I also technically can't explain my actions in the game to him because he is currently still in it so... PARTY!

2. Jacob is amazing and I love him. We've actually played several games together and weirdly always end up super loyal to people. He's a crackhead though so I'm gonna have to be a BIT cautious with him. I sipped dumb bitch juice and told him about Snape's writing because I want to show him some sort of token of loyalty.

3. Vi is a crackhead. I know this because I've hosted her. Kind of wanna fuck around and give her first boot from the tribe because I DO NOT TRUST HER. When she gets bored, she fucks things up, she lies for fun, and well... no.

4. Jessie seems really sweet so far. We haven't really spoken much which kind of sucks but we will get there!? I think?

I think some may have found something, because I just idol searched and I the exact same path I did yesterday, and yesterday there were three different choices and today there were only two. The only reason I could think of why one of the ending options were removed is that something was there and something was found...

12 minutes later

turns out it was a mistake, never mind

Okay it is challenge time and Max is around I think and Lily is finishing a class but KEVIN AND LANDEN ARE LATE, they are delinquents I expect more from Hufflepuffs than this tardiness.

I'm definitely kidding but... may not be able to be around for the entire challenge if they don't hurry the heck up.  Part of me wants to start but I don't want this to be on me if we don't do well.  OH Kevin just messaged me so at least another tribe member is on... WHY is he not messaging the tribe chat?? OH Lily is on now so I should stop writing and get to business...  WISH us cute little badgers luck!

I'm definitely kidding but... may not be able to be around for the entire challenge if they don't hurry the heck up.  Part of me wants to start but I don't want this to be on me if we don't do well.  OH Kevin just messaged me so at least another tribe member is on... WHY is he not messaging the tribe chat?? OH Lily is on now so I should stop writing and get to business...  WISH us cute little badgers luck!

20 minutes later

been doing this challenge for over an hour, i feel defeated

If this wasn't a team work thing I would be done by now these people are slowing me down. x_x.  DLSJFSLDFJ I shouldn't complain. They all have good ideas but it takes FOREVER to agree on something.  Also I do feel like an asset to the hufflepuff tribe because when I was eating lunch with my family Lily messaged me and told me I was the glue holding the tribe together and she wished I was back and that made me feel VERY good about my place on the tribe!

But seriously I'm just ready for the challenge to be over so low key I hope that Max stops responding for awhile again so I can just say random shit until we finish the dang thing LSDJFLSJDF.

The Hufflepuffs are too nice even for me.

That challenge went terribly. In all honesty, I would not blame my tribe for wanting to take me out because I took up the leadership role. But it was not like anyone else was taking the reigns so I needed to do something. I just hope they can see the merits of keeping me in this game. I really don't want to be first boot. I think we're going to have to go to tribal because we we took so long. God this is going to be so frustrating.

This challenge is NEVER going to end I'm trying to be patient but Max always interjects with something and it SLOWS EVERYTHING DOWN FOR TEN MINUTES.  OR MORE. I just have this window open to complain, lol, I won't send this for awhile. LOL Max is killing me. All the boys are exhausting I don't think they have been paying any attention to the notes I have been making, if we go to tribal council Lily and I SHOULD be safe.

OKAY it was fun that everyone just joined in in the end but I'm so glad that it is over and I hope that we won this thing and are safe!

me: im gonna be sneaky and not tell my alliance ALL the info i have also me: tells them info i couldnt possibly know without telling them ALL the info i have anyways.

https://youtu.be/qhfHo_Ns1xQ

Living my dream as a huff puff, no big deal. So far I’m really enjoying being on my tribe. We all communicate well and have positive attitudes about things. We also had so much fun at the immunity challenge but I can tell we are all stressed about the results. I’m really impressed by everyone this season being involved and I could tell people were on their A game during the reward challenge. I would really hate to see us as the bottom tribe having to go to tribal. I honestly don’t want to see any of these people go but I certainly don’t want to be first boot. I’m really proud of our tribe and I would hate to have a loss right now put a crack in the friendships we have been building.

[lisboy]

@x3carlyx3 thank you for tagging me hehe (i’m super late oops)

1ST RULE: tag 9 people you want to get to know better : @planetyardium @goldenvarnish @button-button-button @no2da @livinka-n-diland @bibliophilesbian @mononoke-maiden and uuh anyone who wants to (dw if you don’t want to do it, it’s cool ! 👍🏻) 

2nd RULE: BOLD the statements that are true ((commentary in double parentheses))

APPEARANCE: · I am 5'7"(~170 cm) or taller · I wear glasses {or contacts} · I have at least one tattoo · I have at least one piercing  · I have blonde hair · I have brown eyes · I have short hair · My abs are at least somewhat defined · I have or had had braces

PERSONALITY: · I love meeting new people ((it depends i guess. sometimes i love it, sometimes i kind of hate it until i’m used to them ; idk) · People tell me that I’m funny (or at least that my behaviors are funny) ((people usually tell me i’m weird, probably because i do dumb shit like sitting on the floor or wear funny clothes ; but really i’m not)) · Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me · I enjoy physical challenges · I enjoy mental challenges · I’m playfully rude with people I know well · I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it · There is something I would change about my personality ((i think too much about the past, i can’t seem to forget mildly embarrassing stuff i did like 8 years ago and it still makes me cringe, guh))

ABILITY: · I can sing well · I can play an instrument  · I can do over 30 pushups without stopping · I’m a fast runner · I can draw well · I have a good memory · I’m good at doing math in my head · I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute · I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling · I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch · I know how to throw a proper punch ((ooh id love to know how to punch...)

HOBBIES: · I enjoy playing sports ((ive always been bad at sports and i overheat so fast i can’t really play anything without becoming so red i can feel my skin burn lol. But i kind of like stuff such as badminton or long jump, even though i suck at it. It can be pretty fun though !) · I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else · I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else ·I have learned a new song in the past week · I work out at least once a week ·I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months  · I have drawn something in the past month · I enjoy writing · fandoms are my #1 passion  · I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES: · I have had my first kiss  · I have had alcohol ((i mean i don’t drink because alcohol is disgusting, but i know what it tastes like) · I have scored the winning goal in a sports game · I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting · I have been at an overnight event · I have been in a taxi · I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year · I have beaten a video game in one day · I have visited another country · I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts ((i’m really not fond of concerts but i went to see mitski last year. There were too many people, the volume was way too high for me and it was sooo hot even tho it was only february, but i enjoyed the music i guess. It made me realize no matter what the concert is i won’t 100% enjoy it :/ ))

MY LIFE: · I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” ((i am full of love for my friends !!) · I live close to my school · My parents are still together · I have at least one sibling ((my little sisters art blog is @planetyard-art you should check it out !)) · I live in the United States · There is snow right now where I live ((i WISH)) · I have hung out with a friend in the past month · I have a smartphone ((i technically own a very very old smartphone, but it’s so old and broken i can’t even write texts anymore. I need to change but phones are expensive and addictive hmm) · I have at least 15 CDs · I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: · I’m in a relationship · I have a crush on a celebrity · I have a crush on someone I know · I have been in at least 3 relationships · I have never been in a relationship (my romantic life is nonexistent lol but i dont rlly care) · I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them · I get crushes easily ((ive had like 3 crushes in my entire life tbh, it’s almost funny))· I had a crush on someone for over a year · I have been in a relationship for at least a year · I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM SHIT: · I have breakdanced · I know a person named Jamie · I have had a teacher with the last name that’s hard to pronounce · I have dyed my hair · I’m listening to one song on repeat right now · I have punched someone in the past week · I know someone who has gone to jail · I have broken a bone · I have eaten a waffle today · I know what I want to do with my life · I speak at least 2 languages (i know french & english, i used to be good at spanish but i havent spoken it in almost 4 years ! i still understand it fairly well though. And i kinda..... know a bit of japanese........ but even after 5 years of official academic studies i'd be unable to speak to someone for more than 10 mns ive got so little confidence when it comes to japanese) · I have made a new friend in the past year (hmm.. ive talked to many new people but i don’t really consider them friends. They’re nice and all but we don’t hang out outisde of class so we’re not close, which is a shame !)

[teacupslou]

🎈A very long tag🎈

I was tagged by my little baby sunflower @giadbaltimore to answer these questions so thanks for tagging me little one🌻

LAST [1] drink: Hot chocolate [2] phone call: my coworker aha [3] text message: le boyfriend [4] song you listened to: No man is an island by The Script [5] time you cried: 3 days ago, sunday. It was the day before my period so i blame that lol [6] dated someone twice: no im really not a fan of the whole braking up making up thing. [7] been cheated on: nope [8] kissed someone and regretted it: not really no [9] lost someone special: dont think so [10] been depressed: i’ve had tendencies for sure but no, not actually depressed [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: never, not a fan of drinking (the rest is under the cut)

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:  [12] grey [13] light pink [14] black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes, my main babu @giadbaltimore [16] fallen out of love: nope [17] laughed until you cried: i never cry from laughing so no [18] found out someone was talking about you: not really found out but ofc people have done that [19] met someone who changed you: dont think so? [20] found out who your true friends are: hopefully the ones i have now [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: like friend list? who uses facebook anyway dumb question ahahahah

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i know of them but i havent spoken to everyone [23] do you have any pets: I have a fluffy cat names Misha [24] do you want to change your name: noope [25] what did you do for your last birthday: I celebrated with my family at home and i had afternoon tea with my friends [26] what time did you wake up: 5:10 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping lol, i did mention that i woke up at 5 [28] name something you cannot wait for: payday hahahahah [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: a few minutes ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: wish i didnt have to quit horse riding [31] what are you listening to right now: Rain by The Script [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: the fuck is this? no i havent ahahah [33] something that is getting on your nerves: how short we are on staff at work [34] most visited website: probably tumblr tbh

MY OPINION ON… [35] elementary: cant remember shit [36] high school: had a great school and great subjects but school is school and i hated it [37] college: not until i know what to do with my life

[38] hair colour: light blonde atm [39] long or short hair: somewhere in the middle [40] do you have a crush on someone: more than a crush but sure aha [41] what do you like about yourself?: that im very responsible and mature [42] piercings: just my ears [43] blood type: the fuck? i dont know this shit ahahah [44] nickname: T (tee) i guess [45] relationship status: in a long term relationship [46] zodiac sign: pisces [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show(s): dont watch tv shows [49] tattoos: 3 triangles on my wrist (sibling tattoo) [50] right or left handed: right handed FIRST… [51] surgery: havent had one [52] piercing: did my ears when i was 6 and then i redid it when i was 10 [53] best friend: someone from daycare i guess [54] sport: ballet [55] vacation: Egypt [56] pair of trainers: how would i remember that??

[57] eating: nothing atm [58] drinking: nada [59] i’m about to: idk? [60] listening: well now its Deliverence by The Script, however i did answer earlier lol [61] waiting for: dinner i guess [62] want: chocolate [64] career: idk but right now i work in a recess centre at a school YOUR TYPE… [65] hugs or kisses: both [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: taller for sure, im only 5,1 so it could be slightly off putting being together with someone even shorter aha [68] older or younger: dont care but not too old and not too young [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic for sure. I dont like being unprepared ahah [70] nice arms or nice stomach: doesnt really matter [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive, fuck loud people [72] hook up or relationship: relationship 100% dont think i could handle hook ups [73] troublemaker or hesitant: pardon?

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger?: no and i dont think i ever could [75] drank hard liquor?: only in drinks but not on their own so i guess not [76] lost glasses/contact lenses?: dont think so actually [77] turned someone down?: mainly in clubs [78] sex on first date?: i could never [79] broken someone’s heart?: wouldnt think so [80] had your own heart broken?: dont think so [81] been arrested?: as if [82] cried when someone died?: yeah [83] fallen for a friend: i guess yeah DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself?: to do what? [85] miracles?: miraculous things can happen but to me thats just luck [86] love at first sight?: not love no [87] santa claus?: my mum never tricked me that there even was one so no [88] kiss on the first date?: everyone to thier own [89] angels?: nope

[90] current best friend’s name: i guess i have several [91] eye colour: blue [92] favourite movies: dont have any, there are several movies i really love I understand if no one has the time to do this however imma tag some people i’d like to know a bit better anyhow: Firstly my babies in love @larry-feels-like-home and @running-through-the-garden and my super cool idols that also slightly scare me @allthelovelouie @spookingisfun <3

[maeimekko]

GET TO KNOW ME TAG

i was tagged by @dolcetae ty so much for tagging me love !!!!ilu RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. drink: !chocolate soy milk! the best drink you can have 10/10 2. phone call: my mom 3. text message: my grandma 4. song you listened to: agenda by Justine Skye 5. time you cried: idk about a week ago??? 6. dated someone twice: this ho has never dated im alone 7. kissed someone and regretted it: i regret nothing 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: um yes my friend moved away and we just kinda slowly stopped talking to eachother:( 10. been depressed: not really 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never to the point of throwing up so ummmm

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14. light blue, burnt orange and red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yepp 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: many times 18. found out someone was talking about you:you mean talking shit? if so yes:)) 19. met someone who changed you: idk... not drastically 20. found out who your friends are: actually yeah 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: i dont have facebook  so

GENERAL: 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ^^ 23. do you have any pets: yesss two cats a fat one and a small babycat 24. do you want to change your name: i love my first name but i wanna change my last name tho its really generic 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to gymnastics practise n just had a normal day... lame 26. what time did you wake up: ummm 9:45?? idk 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: playing seven of clubs with my grandparents and sister 28. name something you can not wait for: going on a roadtrip with my friends this summer 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like 5 minutes ago 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life:i wanna have exciting clothes and a cool style and a neat instagram and just be a cool chill gal but im boring and look like a wheat bun 31. what are you listening to right now: airplanes and my mom n dad talking in the livingroom with the tv on  32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: dont think so 33. something that is getting on your nerves:umm nothng really 34. most visited website: tumblr + youtube 35-37. ?? i guess these are gone lol ?? 38. hair color: dark blone with peach/pinkish tips 39. long or short hair: both look banging but long hair for me... i look like a 5 year old with short hair...... but i mean i literally am five so 40. do you have a crush on someone: kinda? idk my feelings are mixed:// 41. what do you like about yourself: im not afraid to express my opinions and am very well spoken (aka too loud stfu tilda) also i have nice lips  42. piercings: i had my ears pierced a while ago but i was lazy and they grew shut 43. blood type: A+ 44. nickname: when i was little people used to call me tintti but nowadays i just go with Tilda 45. relationship status: single 46. zodiac: scorpio  47.pronouns: she/her 48. favorite tv show: pushing daisies!!!!!!! i love it so much lee pace is amazing if you havent watvhed pd then GO WATCH IT also i love steven universe 49. tattoos: nope but i want two violets on my inner arm 50. right or left handed: right 51. surgery: none 52. piercing: not anymore 53. sport: gymnastics,, ive been doing agg for over 10 years now google it ALSO i love dancing and yoga n stuff like that i hate ballgames 54. vacation: ive only travelled inside europe (italy, france, portugal etc) but id love to go to japan or the us mmmm a girl can dream 55. pair of trainers: my worn out old pink nikes

MORE GENERAL: 56. eating:forreal i just ate some cherry tomatoes damn 57. drinking: either soy milk or water 58. im about to: go to sleepppp  but this is taking so long 59. waiting for:sleep sleeping dreams bedtime snoozing siesta slumberland 60. want: nice clothes and love 61. get married: maybe someday 62. career: tf um no uh umm mm 

WHICH IS BETTER: 63. hugs or kisses: huggies 64. lips or eyes: eyes 65. shorter or taller: i wanna be shorter than my so but i love to be taller than my friends that way i can scoop them up n rest my head on theirs 66. older or younger:dont really care 67. nice arms or nice stomach: stomach! 68. hookup or relationship: relationship? i wouldnt know 69. troublemaker or hesitant: a good inbetween

HAVE YOU EVER: 70. kissed a stranger: no 71. drank hard liquor: yes 72. lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont have glasses 73. turned someone down: yepep 74: sex on the first date: well nope 75. broken someone’s heart:..... i dont think so? 76. had your heart broken: not really 77. been arrested: no 78: cried when someone died: yes 79. fallen for a friend: no?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 80. yourself: sometimes 81. miracles: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no 82. love at first sight: hck to the no 83. santa claus: yes  im five 🎅🏼 84. kiss on the first date: sure why not 85. angels: idk sure coolcool

OTHER: 90. current best friend’s name:i dont really have ONE best friend 91: eye color: grey blue 92: favorite movie: road to el dorado true masterpiece

im writing t his half asleep so whatever this took like 1000 years ughgh im not tagging 20 people i wanna go t sleep 

anyways taggin my pals : @8boo @hoe4jimin @lqhani @11pristin @jackismyson @hoejisoo 

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.