#like wow! you go girl! way to make me feel bad for consuming calories!

[graveyardmouth]

i wanna go home

[pianorexic000]

Sweetspo Saturday

Hi y’all, so today is sweetspo Saturday.......

it speaks for itself. By the way, none of these are mine. I take no credit I have 0 creativity.

I dream of collarbones and thigh gaps, of hips jutting out and ribs just visible, casting shadows on porcelain flesh. I dream of crop tops and denim shorts, of thigh highs and sugar highs. And when I lay in bed at night, counting the calories of the day before my mind can’t help but wander, and I press into my doughy stomach, feel the hips hiding underneath, and remind myself how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to go.

Please listen, I know, I know it’s hard but listen, focus, you, you the most beautiful person on this whole entire planet you are going to make it, I promise you sweetheart, you’re going to make it. Think about it, think about how skinny you’ll be, how happy you will be, how you are going to be able to wear what you want, how you are going to be able to eat what you want and no one is going to make you feel bad for eating, no one. They’re going to be jealous, so fucking jealous, jealous of how you look and how you feel. They’re going to envy you. So stand up, keep your pretty head up and go. Exercise, drink water, eat less, eat healthy, sleep, do yoga, dance around. Get skinny and be finally happy. Please be finally happy.

You’ve been so disappointed in yourself lately. You’ve cursed those girls with a fast metabolism and regretted so much, sweetie. Countless of times you’ve thought, planned and wished to be skinny. I know you want this so badly, honey. But it’s never going to be given to you, sugar. You have to work for it and make yourself proud! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

I know you’re very impatient with your weight-loss. You want to lose it NOW and would do anything to wake up tomorrow at you ugw. But that’s never going to happen, doll. It’ll take time, but you will get there, sweetie. You just have to be persistent and never give up. The road is very long, and there will be days where it’ll feel hopeless, angel. But i promise you that those days where you feel incredibly sexy and comfortable in your own skin are just around the corner. You’ll get there baby, but it’ll take time. So don’t beat yourself up.

You’ll look good in everything; you remember that bikini with the cute print? yes, you’ll look beautiful in it. you won’t look like a fat pig.

people will be jealous; they’ll envy you. you’ll become thinner while others are getting fatter.

you’ll be dainty; you’ll be the lightest in the room. everyone will be able to pick you up effortlessly.

others will compliment you; people will look at you and say “wow, have you lost weight?” “you look great!” “i wish i looked like you.”

you won’t be able to keep more than a cup of food down; you’ve trained your body, you and your body both know its limits.

you’ll have power; you can can control how you look, you’ll have control. self control instead of eating everything in sight. you’ll be proud when you refuse a chocolate bar someone is offering.

are you going to keep saying “i’ll do it tomorrow”

or are you going to start today?

you’ll get there sweetie, make them regret the day they dare call you fat; they’ll start talking GOOD behind your back; “she is losing so much weight omg” “ i wanna look like her.” “im so jealous of her tiny waist.”

make it happen, you cause the gain of weight

and the loss of weight.

It's Okay!

You were really bad this weekend weren’t you? You ate fatty food and cheated on your diet? I know you bash yourself for pushing yourself further from your goal, but it was just Easter and you were enjoying spending time with your family. Unfortunately that included eating. Thin is all you think about cutie, why would you stuff your face uncontrollably like that, sugar? You can’t stop now, i know it’s hard but it’ll be worth it in the end.

Meanspo

Dear You,

You’ve grown up being the “big” girl. You’ve grown up being the “I want seconds” girl. You entered college being the “let’s eat out because it’s easier” girl.

When will you be the “I eat healthy” girl? The “people can pick me up” girl? The “I love my body” girl?

Today? Oh, right, you say tomorrow. Funny, that’s what you said yesterday.

It’s YOUR fault you’re fat. You don’t control your fatty urges to binge and stuff your face. One day, you’ll regret that. And that day is TODAY. If you regret it, then make a change. Skip that meal. Eat less calories. Exercise and burn what you have consumed and stored from your past pathetic eating habits. Get rid of your fatty urges. BECOME SKINNY…Become beautiful. Because if you don’t start today, you’ll only hate yourself tomorrow… again.

Do it. Do it so you can wear cute short shorts without everyone looking at your thighs and being disgusted.

Do it for that bitch who always called you fat at middle school.

Do it for that fuckboy who never looked at you as girlfriend potencial.

Do it so you can be confident.No seriously you’ll never be confident with that big tummy dude.

Do it so you don't ALMOST DIE in fitting rooms.

Do it for the cute clothes.

Do it for the summer.

Do it for the pool parties and how all of your friends will be SHOOK at your perfect body.

Do it for that life little baby. You deserve it. You deserve so much happiness.

Imagine you’re sitting at your desk in your perfectly decorated bedroom. You’re doing school work (all A’s of course), and since the lighting is good, you stop studying for a second and take a selfie.

You notice your collarbones are perfectly peaking out, and your chest bones are slightly visible. You have no makeup on but you still look absolutely gorgeous. Your flawless skin (that you got from not eating junk food all the time) looks great on your camera. Your thin arms look especially toned in this picture, and your smile is unforgettable.

You decide to post it to Instagram, and it instantly gets likes and comments saying how gorgeous you look. You want to keep studying…but the amount of likes and attention is distracting!

You think to yourself “Amazing how my life has changed. 30lbs ago I barely got 30 likes. My grades were bad and I had horrible acne…it’s so great what being thin can do to a person”

One day I won’t have to suck in

One day I’ll sit down and not have belly rolls

One day my thighs won’t touch

One day I’ll be able to see my ribs

One day I’ll step on the scale and smile

One day I’ll be able to smile at my protruding collar bones

One day I’ll wear the clothes I want

One day I’ll be confident

One day I’ll be skinny

do it for the boy who leaves your snapchats at read. imagine how quickly he’ll reply when he sees how good you look in your new body. do it for the girls you envy, the girls who show up in crop tops and short shorts whilst you hide behind a baggy sweater. imagine how proud you’ll feel when you can finally wear what you want and look just as good, if not better than them. do it for the people who bullied you about your weight and the boys who turned you down because of it. watch them gawk and whisper among themselves at how much weight you’ve lost. do it for the mean girls, the ones that walk around school like they own the place, the ones who’s parties you never get invited to, the ones that all the boys want. prove yourself to them. soon they’ll notice you and you’ll be too proud to care. own your new found confidence, throw your own parties, feel wanted. do it for the boy you’ve been crushing on since the first time you met. make him want you just as you wanted him. laugh at yourself as he chases after you. watch him suffer just as you did. do it for the bikini you’ve never had the body to wear. make your old self proud. wear that bikini. finally feel good in it. go to the beach and the pool and show it off. it belongs on you. do it for yourself. do it for your own happiness and do it right now. you deserve this. it might take some time and maybe you’re growing impatient. but it’s okay, everything good takes time. so be safe, stay strong, and don’t give up. this will be worth the wait. trust me.

I literally cannot fucking wait until I’m thin. I can’t wait to not feel like the outsider in my friend group. I can’t wait to not feel like the ugly friend. I can’t wait to be as thin as my best friend and for people to not see me as a charity case. I can’t wait to be able to go shopping and not worry about what will hide my fat. I can’t wait to see my collarbones and feel great in shorts. I can’t wait to be able to post selfies confidently from any angle and get as many likes as all the thin girls from school. I can’t wait to be someone else’s thinspo. I can’t wait to be happy with myself. I can’t wait to be thin.

Okie lovey, I know you might have had a rough couple of days or maybe you’ve been doing everything right and you just need a little pick me up. That’s okay too. I’m here for you, maybe not there physically but I’m still here. Make some tea, and take a bath; while you’re in there light a few candles and take time for yourself. Paint your nails read a book or simply think about bettering yourself. You’re almost there, I’m so excited for you! I’m going to be there when you cross that finish line (UGW). Finished with tea? Are you hungry? No. Exactly, chin up sweetheart, you got this. I love you

10 Reasons I want to be Thin

1. A flat stomach looks so good in anything. 2. No more armpit fat. 3. Finally have a thigh gap (again). 4. Feel beautiful and in control 5. people you already know will ask you how you did it, new people you meet will fall in love with you. 6. Go on adventures and have fun without worrying about your fat jiggling around. 7. Tan outside or at the lake without wanting to die because you’re too fat for a bikini. 8. Going out to parties and making friends because you’re confident and beautiful. 9. Not wanting to cry every time you see your full body in a mirror/ reflection. 10. Not crying in general anymore. Finally being happy.

11 Reasons Why I'm Doing This

1. To be the skinny friend

2. So I can be lifted up and be called light

3. To wear anything and still look cute

4. To have pretty bones to show off

5. To hear those words; ‘Have you lost weight?’

6. To not feel guilty when having a sweet treat (occasionally!)

7. To wear tight jeans and not have a muffin top

8. To not want to cry every time I look in the mirror

9. To not feel embarrassed in a bikini or swimsuit

10. To sit on someone’s lap without fear of crushing them

11. To finally feel happy with myself

They are in the kitchen making dinner. It smells so good, and all you want to do is have some. But would that make you happy? Would that food actually do anything for you? Sure, it would taste good. But as soon as you swallow, it would be gone. You’d take a drink of water, and the taste would wash away. Five minutes of fun, and then you’d be full. Full of food, regret, hate, shame, and disgust. Today would be yet another day wasted. So go ahead, eat the food. Be the fat tub of lard you always have been. Or don’t. Don’t eat the food. Be a day closer to your goal.

The choice is yours.

[particularemu]

I Missed You | A Bang Chan Scenario

Word Count: 3857

Type: Smut

Warnings: Light choking at the end

Author’s Note: For my bby @channiesmixtape​ 

I apologize, this is SO RUSHED, like yikes. 

Sorry it took so long fam! Thank you for supporting my writing 🥰

Chan was a cruel man. 

A very very cruel man. 

The past hour or so you’ve been at the gym with your boyfriend. You two originally planned to do some couple’s yoga class, but the stupid thing was cancelled last minute because the teacher was either sick with the flu, or didn’t feel like teaching odd 20-something-year-olds how to balance on their significant other’s limbs while in difficult yoga poses. 

Despite your silent internal protest, Chan decided to take the time and get some “much-needed” exercise. Honestly, you just wanted to go home and binge watch the latest K-Drama you and Chan started before he had to go on tour. The lazy bone was hitting you hard today. 

Instead of sitting on your phone for the next hour, you decided it might not be a bad idea to get some exercise yourself. After all, you did eat a whole tub of ice cream last night for unknown reasons. Might as well hop on a machine to work off the extra calories you consumed while watching the latest Weekly Idol episode. 

After walking around the gym staring at the intimidating machines for 10 minutes, you decided the exercise bike looked the least intimidating. You just get on and pedal right? 

Unfortunately, about 20 minutes into your Stray Kids Spotify playlist, your knee decided it was time to burn like hell. Well you tried.  A+ for effort. 

Without anything better to do, you figured watching your attractive boyfriend work out was a good idea. Boy were you wrong. 

Watching your muscular boyfriend work out was filling your head with some dirty thoughts. 

With Chan’s busy schedule, you haven’t exactly had a ton of time to hump like bunnies, so you’ve been super horny for the past couple of weeks, for no apparent reason. 

Chan had to travel for about a month. About 2 days into his absence you started to realize — wow, you guys had sex wayyyyy too much. You couldn’t even last 2 days without sex before you began to masturbate to the memories of his hands on your body. Of course the toys you had stashed under the bed in a lockbox helped dramatically, but none of them filled you up like Chan did. 

“Back so soon?” Chan teased, flexing his arm as he lifted the dumbbell.

Your thighs instinctively pressed together, praying to the sex gods that you weren’t turned on enough to seep through your leggings. The last thing you wanted was the whole gym to see a wet patch through your skin-tight pants. 

“My knee decided that exercise wasn’t in the cards today.” You shivered at a sudden breeze that slipped through the crack of the open door — mentally cursing those who opened it. You grabbed your hoodie, throwing it over your head and slipping your arms through the sleeves as Chan put the dumbbells away. 

Chan stretched his hand out to you, inviting you to lace your fingers between his perfect ones. “Come on, let’s go.” 

“I can wait if you have more to do.” You intertwined your fingers with his, leaning your head against his shoulder as he lead you to the door. 

“Nah. I don’t want to stick around here if you’re in pain. You need to rest.” 

“Alright you’ve convinced me. Let’s go home.” You giggled as Chan swung your hands obnoxiously while the two of you walked out the door. 

---------

“Gosh, what’s the hurry?” Chan giggled as he stumbled into your small living room, practically knocking into the small table you had placed against the wall near the door. To be fair, you did kind of shove him into the room. 

“Chan. It’s been a month since we’ve watched our drama. I’m going crazy here. I want to see if she’s finally going to get together with him.” You threw your bag onto the coat rack, flinching when the unstable piece of furniture rocked under the weight of your unreasonably large bag, making Chan giggle as he watched you steady the hunk of wood. 

“Fine, fine. You could watch it without me you know.” Chan stepped on the heel of his shoe, slipping out of them with ease before sprawling on your dingy blue couch. He flinched a bit as the springs poked him in the side. 

“Yeah, everything I own is falling apart. I did buy a new mattress though. Wanna binge watch it on my bed?” You threw your keys into a small bowl resting on top of the table next to the front door. Chan gave you that bowl when you first bought that apartment because you kept losing your keys and other important stuff like chapstick, pain killers, and your extra phone charger. 

Chan sat up from the broken-down couch, laughing as the piece of shit groaned under his weight. “What did you do to this thing?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s like 87 years old. My grandmother gave it to me a long time ago, and from what my mom has told me, they did it everywhere.” You cringed at your own words. Probably wasn’t the best story to tell your boyfriend when you were hoping to get dicked down later. 

Oh well. 

Chan visibly cringed before hopping off the ragged couch. “Yep. Your room sounds lovely.” 

You laughed, wrapping your arms around your boyfriend's neck. “You know… we could always do more than watching shows in there.” 

“Oh really.” Chan’s eyebrow shot up in the air, a dorky grin tugging at his lips as you finished your proposal. 

“We can cuddle.” You kissed his lips. “And kiss.” You pressed another soft kiss to his lips. 

“I like the sound of that.” Chan smiled, hands sliding down your shoulders before linking under your butt and lifting you up. 

You couldn’t help but squeal a bit as Chan lifted you off the ground, arms and legs wrapping around him as if you were a koala bear hanging onto a tree during a severe windstorm. 

“I’ve got you.” Chan chuckled as he walked the two of you to your less than extravagant bedroom. 

Truth be told, being in his arms like that made you feel safe. It’s been far too long. The entire month he was gone, you craved moments like these. You missed having his arms around you as you giggled over senseless things, watching your K-drama together, sitting in the recording studio listening to his new music. All those moments were replaced with 3 AM text messages and 5 minute calls before bed.  

“I missed you.” You nuzzled your head into his neck. 

“I missed you too baby girl.” Chan pushed the bedroom door open with his foot, chuckling when he saw your sheets. “I hate to ruin this moment, but I have to ask. Are those taco sheets?”

“I happen to like tacos a lot.” You giggled. “And they were on sale.” You added, making Chan laugh. 

“I love them.” Chan nuzzled his nose against yours — the corny action making you fake-gag. 

“Be nice to your boyfriend.” Chan laughed. 

“No.” You retorted. 

“Fine.” An evil grin made its way on Chan’s face before he tossed you onto your mattress, laughing with you as you bounced a couple times. His laughter died down a bit as he crawled onto the mattress, snuggling next to your body.

You smacked his arm, “Hey! That’s one way to ruin the mood.” 

“Oh? What mood did we have?” Chan couldn’t stop his laughter. “Last I remember we were talking about your grandparents going at it on your couch.” 

You mentally smacked yourself. Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to bring that up when you were hoping to have his fingers shoved into your vag. 

That’s when it hit you. 

“What if I strip for you?” Your eyes met his, noticing the slight blush tinting his pale skin. 

“Are you seriously trying to convince me to have sex with you?” Chan’s hands ran along your side, making your body shiver at his touch. 

You wanted more — so much more, and he knew it. His large hand lingered on hip, squeezing the soft flesh softly as he waited for you to say something — anything that would give him permission to devour you bit by bit. Despite his teasing, he wanted this just as much as you did. 

“I was really hoping to get laid tonight.” Your voice shook slightly, confidence wavering as you tried your hardest to keep your composure. Frankly, you were ready to get on your knees and beg, but you were hoping it wouldn’t come to that. 

Chan chuckled a bit before pressing a passionate kiss to your lips. It was as if time stopped, all that mattered in the world was his lips against yours. “That’s funny. I was hoping for the same thing.” 

You moaned softly as Chan’s lips met yours once more, hands traveling up your torso to guide your shirt and sports bra up your body. Your lips separated to remove the unnecessary garments, only to connect once more when he tossed them across the room. Chan swiped his tongue against your lower lip, slipping into your mouth when you obediently parted your lips for him. 

This kiss made up for all the kisses you two missed out on while he was gone. It was the perfect mixture of clashing teeth and tongue as you two felt each other’s warmth in a tight embrace. His breath ghosted across your skin as he pulled away from you, hands darting to the back of his head to yank his shirt off. 

“Ugh, you’re perfect.” Your hands darted to his chest, fingertips feeling the taut muscles.

Chan just chuckled, eyes drinking every inch of your exposed skin. “So are you.” 

Your heart nearly stopped when Chan swung his leg over your hips, piercing gaze watching your cheeks tint a rose color as he straddled you. His fingers fiddled with his belt buckle, unbuckling the damn thing at a painfully slow pace. 

If you weren’t so entranced by his hands, you probably would have said something along the lines of ‘My grandfather moves faster than you,’ and thrusted your hips into his for effect. However, the way his hands looked as he threw the offending piece of leather across the room sent a wave of electricity up your spine.

Your heart panged against your ribcage as if it were playing an obnoxiously loud drum solo at a Metallica concert as your mind flashed with various images of Chan’s hands doing dirty things to your body. A moan escaped your lips as you imagined him sticking his fingers in your mouth before driving them into your pussy, fucking you mercilessly with his fingers as his tongue lapped at your slit. 

A scene straight from a porn movie was playing in your head as you watched your boyfriend slip off his pants in front of you. Was that weird?

That doesn’t matter. 

With each passing second, your underwear grew damper and you found yourself wanting him — and his hands — immediately. 

Speaking of hands…

Chan’s hands were glorious. Your eyes followed their every movement, eyeing up the veins that scattered across his forearms. His knuckles were scraped slightly — most likely from today’s session with the punching bag at the gym. His fingers were the perfect length, and you knew what they were capable of. The thought if his fingers ramming into your g-spot sent a wave of excitement through you. 

You were far too busy gawking at his hands to notice that he caught you staring. 

“I knew it!” Chan’s excited voice startled you a bit, effectively turning off the dirty thoughts you were having and replacing them with pure panic. 

“Knew what?” You looked away, cheeks tinted scarlet as you fiddled with your thumbs. 

Maybe he didn’t actually catch you eye-fucking his hands?

“I knew you had a thing for my hands.” 

“Shit.” The four-letter word slipped from your lips before you could stop it. 

Chan laughed at your reaction, arms wrapping around his midsection as he fell to his side. “Why are you so embarrassed?”

“Hey! You laughing at me isn’t helping.” You swatted his shoulder. 

Sure it was kind of embarrassing to admit that simply looking at his god-like hands would turn you on faster than the speed of light, but it was kind of nice to know you didn’t have to hide it anymore — not that you were doing a good job. 

Chan’s laughter died down. “Sorry. I’m not making fun of you. I just don’t see it. What makes my hands so sexy baby girl?” 

“Chris.” You rolled him over and straddled his hips, grinding your core into his growing cock. “I find everything about you sexy — including your hands.” 

Your fingertips grazed along his chest, fingers dipping into each curve of his abs as you ground your hips into his again, hoping he would get the hint to quit teasing and fuck you already. “I want you Chris.” You slid off his lap, fingertips tugging at the waistband of his boxers. 

Chan’s eyes darkened with lust — or was that your imagination? Nevermind, that doesn’t matter. 

You were more focused on his hand palming his length through the navy blue boxers you were trying to remove from his body. The erotic sight making you more and more excited for what was to come. 

It had been so long. You were dying to unwrap him. 

“What exactly do you want baby girl?” Chan purred. “I bet you’ve had some amazing dreams about my hands.” He smirked when your face flushed red. Bingo! “Tell me, what exactly do you want me to do.”  

His words sent shivers up your spine. Well, the boy already knew you had a hand fetish. Might as well have some fun and get him to do what you’ve been dreaming of. After all, you have been having the same exact wet dream for over a month. Having Chan there to fuck you senseless would be so much better than riding a dildo on the bathroom floor. 

“Please finger me.” Your voice shook ever-so-slightly, all sense of pride leaving your body as you practically begged for his touch. Even though it was embarrassing to beg for his fingers up your coochie, you knew it would all be worth it in the end. Chan would do anything to please you. “I want your tongue.” Your hands rested on his hips, thumbs dipping into the evident dips near his hip bones. 

A sinister smirk took over Chan’s features as he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. “You’re such a good girl.” 

His praise turned you on more than you’d care to admit — especially when it reminded you of how he praises your golden retriever. Despite that awkward comparison, you still love to hear his words of approval when you two are intimate. 

You moaned as Chan traveled down your clothed body, quickly ridding you of your leggings. 

“No panties?” Chan teased, shooting an award-winning smirk at you as he chucked your leggings across the room. 

“It’s easier to not wear any with leggings. Then I don’t have to worry about panty lines.” You glared at him. “Just, get to work!” 

Boys wouldn’t understand. 

Chan couldn’t help but laugh at your passionate outburst as his hands ran across the smooth skin of your thighs. Your frustration was quickly replaced with pleasure when he opened your thighs, his warm breath ghosting across your core as his hands left you bare and spread before him. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Chan’s lips pressed against your thigh quickly before he hovered over your center, tongue darting across his lower lip as his eyes drank in every dip and curve you had to offer. 

Even though the words were nice to hear, you didn’t need him to utter those 3 little words. The expressions on his face as he took off your clothing, piece by piece, made you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. His eyes always watched you with such wonder, hands always feeling the need to grab the parts of you that you once thought were horrible, a blush always evident on his cheeks when you were the most vulnerable to him, those were the unspoken words that didn’t need to be said. 

You mean the world to me.

Without warning, Chan dove into your folds, tongue flattening against you as his fingertips pressed into your thighs. The overwhelming pleasure took you by surprise, making your back arch as a loud moan echoed through the room. Your head pressed into the pillows, hands tangling in Chan’s curly locks as his middle and index fingers entered your core. 

The sinful sounds echoing in the room only heightened your pleasure — the sounds of moaning, sucking, licking, and slurping making your thighs shake around Chan’s head. 

This was exactly why you guys couldn’t fuck in the dorms. It wouldn’t take long for one of the boys to hear the two of you and either A) ask you two to stfu and stop, or B) wonder if someone was dying. You two tried to fuck in the dorms once, but your voice (and Chan) betrayed you.

A harsh suck brought your attention back to the brunette between your legs. Chan backed away from your core, “Eyes on me princess.” 

His big brown eyes watched every one of your reactions as his lips enclosed around your clit, sucking harshly, sending intense waves of pleasure through your body. Chan’s fingers curled inside you, hitting your g-spot with each harsh thrust. 

The amount of pleasure you were feeling was indescribable. No vibrator could compare to the feeling of his fingers ramming inside you while his tongue flicked your clit. You couldn’t help but hope that he wouldn’t be gone this long again — even though you knew that wasn’t going to happen. Chan was an idol. Going on a world tour could take him away for nearly a year. 

“Oh my God Chan.” Your whole body tensed as your orgasm approached, toes curling as shockwaves of pleasure coursed through you. It was as if a coil was tightening more and more with each pass of his tongue until it snapped. 

A mixture of curse words and Chan’s name slipped from your lips as you reached your high, toes curling as your fingers let go of his hair to fist the sheets. Your thighs shook around his head as Chan’s tongue lapped up your juices, riding you through your orgasm. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that.” You panted, body shivering at the intense orgasm that was still making its way through your body. 

Chan chuckled a bit, pulling his boxers off his body before hovering over you. He pressed a soft kiss to your nose, making you giggle a bit, before asking, “Can you keep going?” 

His eyes held concern, which warmed your heart, but there was no way in hell you’d pass up having his cock inside you. 

“Please keep going.” Your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. “I need more of you.” 

Chan pressed kisses all over your face before lining himself up with your core. “I’m happy to oblige.” 

Your fingernails dug into Chan’s shoulder blades as he pressed into you — feeling every inch of his cock rub against your walls as his hips rocked into yours. Chan’s hands rested beside your head, holding up his weight so he wouldn’t crush you. You pressed your face in the crook of his neck, aiming to suck on his skin as he set a quick pace, thrusting into your heated core. 

“No marks.” Chan commanded, the authority in his voice sending shivers down your spine. 

“Yes sir.” You could swear you felt him twitch inside you at the title. Darn. You were really hoping to litter his pale skin with some dark purple marks. Then the whole world would know that he was yours. Then again… Perhaps he had a point. That could make for some bad publicity for Stray Kids. 

Chan’s lips pressed against yours, giving you something to do with your tongue as he deepened the kiss. His hips slammed into you faster, gaining power with each thrust. You could feel his breath ghost across your lips as you parted for air. The new control you had over your mouth gave you the energy to focus on wrapping your legs around his waist, thighs squeezing him tightly as his hips ground into yours. 

“I’m close baby.” Chan’s husky voice sounded strained as his thrusts became erratic. 

“Choke me.” If you weren’t having the time of your life, you’d be embarrassed by how fucked out you sounded begging for his hand around your throat. 

Chan groaned, hand immediately finding its way to your throat, pressing down firm. It was glorious, but you still wanted more. 

“Harder.” 

Chan quickly obliged, cutting off most of your air supply with his hand.  The feeling of his fingers digging into your skin brought you to your second orgasm within seconds, a choked cry escaping your lips as you clenched around Chan’s cock, milking him into his own orgasm. 

Chan released your throat, a deep moan echoing in the room as you tightened your thighs around his hips, forcing him to stay inside you as he hit his release. You could feel his cum coat your walls as he slowly rocked his hips against yours, helping the two of you ride out your orgasms. You repeated his name over and over as if it was the only thing you knew, arms holding him closer as you basked in the afterglow. 

“I came inside.” Chan pulled out, running his hands through his hair, stress taking over any previous emotions he had felt. 

You sat up and rushed to him, rubbing his shoulders to bring him down from his freakout. “Don’t worry, I’m on the pill.” 

Chan sighed, relief flooding throughout his body as he sunk back into your embrace. 

“Besides, even if I wasn’t, I kind of put you in a chokehold with my legs, so you would have had a right to freak out at me.” You giggled, running your fingers through his sweaty hair. 

“You know, having children with you wouldn’t be so bad.” He mumbled.

You weren’t a fan of having kids in your early twenties, but hearing him admit that he wants kids someday warmed your heart. At least you knew if something were to happen and you got pregnant, you’d have Chan by your side. “Yeah?”

“You’d make a great mom.” Chan murmured, sleep slowly taking over the poor boy. 

“I think you’re too tired to think straight.” You couldn’t help but tease him. He looked so tired. 

Chan merely chuckled, pulling you under the covers to press your bodies together. “I am tired, but it’s true.” 

You leaned your head against his chest, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep. The last thing you heard before you drifted off to sleep was Chan’s whispers, “I missed you.”

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Out of The Hive, Into The Cocoon

[Wing AU]

Wing Reference

Word count: 2284

Prompt: “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.”

--------------------

  “I don’t feel that well…”

  “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.”

Jane rolled her eyes at Joan’s wounded expression. She canted her harpy eagle wings away, as if she were afraid the Flightless’s presence may dirty the pristine, shiny feathers. Joan noticed that, too, and looked even more hurt.

  “What’s going on this time?” Kitty asked loudly. Her glass butterfly wings are blindingly iridescent in the overhead fluorescent lights and make Joan feel even more dizzy and nauseous than she already was.

  “None of your business.” Joan snapped. She rubbed her wrists, which haven’t stopped burning since the night before. Her stomach was all cramped up, too, like something was trying to claw its way out of her.

  “Must not be important then,” Kitty said with a shrug.

  “Kitty’s right,” Jane said. “Don’t waste our time, Joan. We’re going to perform in an hour and don’t need you distracting us.”

  “But--”

  “If you felt bad, then you should have called in sick or left sooner.” Jane cut her off coldly.

She whisked away after that, leaving Joan alone in the hall to stew in embarrassment and increasing discomfort. Joan sighed and trudged to her dressing room to get ready, but was stopped by a sharp twinge in her wingbuds. She winced and reached back, but a pain in her wrists halted the movement. She yanked her arms forward again.

And her wrists burst open and silver came exploding out.

Silk.

Joan let out a cry of pain and jumped back, but the stuff pouring from her followed like starved snakes. It began to wrap around her arms and legs and chest, and she desperately tried to tear the silk off of her, but not only was it sticky, but it was also really strong and refined. She scratched and pulled, but it either stuck to her hands or just didn't come off. She frantically covered the slit in one of her wrists, trying to stop the flow, and the strands merely wove around her fingers and consumed them.

She tottered backwards and sunk to her knees, overcome by an intense feeling of nausea like she hadn’t eaten in years, every energy source in her body--fats, carbs, calories, sugars--were being burned away by this hellish process. She opened her mouth to scream or cry for help, but found that she couldn’t even muster up a mere squeak of noise. Cramps seized her stomach in a vice grip, like all her organs were being shredded inside of her. Her vision was starting to fade out as the silk wrapped around her neck and face and she wondered if this was how she died. She suffocates because of some mutation she doesn’t even understand.

Joan doesn’t want to die, not like this, not again, not without flying at least once, not without a single person who cares about her…

Then, blackness. The silk wrapped around her entire body until she looked mummified, and then spun itself larger and larger and larger.

The last thing she heard was someone stepping into her dressing room, telling her she was needed by someone on tech, and then nothing.

She prayed they would help her.

------

Everyone stared in shock at the silvery-gold cocoon sitting in the corner of the dressing room. It was the shape of an egg lying on its side and was so thick with silk that none of them could see the music director inside. It just sat there, glowing faintly, not showing any signs of breaking open anytime soon.

  “She did not…” Maggie said, trailing off, flabbergasted.

  “She did too.” Maria affirmed.

  “What the fuck?” Jane said. “I thought she was Flightless. She is Flightless. What happened?”

  “You sound disappointed.” Bessie commented. Her big bat ears were swiveling around, as if she were trying to listen for any signs of life inside the cocoon.

Jane ruffled. “I’m--” Her tail feathers bristle, wings twitching in agitation. “I’m just confused.”

  “Uh huh.” Bessie nodded, deftly dodging the glare Jane shot her by wing her ears to block out the corners of her vision.

  “It’s definitely an insect avian cocoon,” Cathy said. She stepped forward and tapped the cocoon. “Maybe she was just a really late insect and not actually Flightless.”

  “There’s no way!” Kitty barked. She almost looked jealous at not being the only butterfly anymore.

  “Well, whatever it is,” Cathy went on, “it’s going to make performing difficult for the next week until she comes out.”

  “IF she even comes out,” Anne said, and Jane looked slightly wistful at that concept.

  “We could always cut it open,” Kitty suggested breezily. “Get her out early.”

Aragon shot Kitty a disgusted look. “Don’t your insides melt during metamorphosis?” She asked. “If we cut her out, she’ll probably die. And not entirely be a solid person anymore.”

  “Oh.” Kitty said, then shrugged nonchalantly. “Meh. Oh well.”

  “Well,” Cleves said, “we got a lot of waiting to do.”

------

Aragon resisted the urge to smash her wings into Maggie’s head when the magpie poked the fragile structure of Joan’s cocoon, and she wasn’t sure why.

  “How long will this take?” Maggie asked, already impatient even though it’s only been a day since Joan started metamorphosis.

  “A week, I think.” Cathy answered.

  “A week?!” Both Maggie and Anne yelped.

  “We’re never going to get our MD back!” Anne groaned dramatically, flopping out her wings.

  “What a shame,” Jane mused.

  “Yes we will?” Cathy tilted her head at Anne. “She’s coming out eventually.”

  “Yes,” Aragon agreed. “A week is fine. She can take all the time she needs.”

The others glanced at her strangely, but she ignored them. Just like how she was trying to ignore the weird maternal instincts welling up inside of her.

------

  “Is it now? It is happening? Is that a sign? What does that mean?”

  “I will throttle you if you don’t shut up.”

Anne snickered at Aragon’s annoyance, then fixed her eyes back on Joan’s cocoon. It was as plain and still and boring as the day before. And the day before that.

  “Nothing is happening,” Aragon added. “It looks exactly the same.”

  “Are you sure?” Anne said. She waved a parrot green wing at one side of the cocoon. “Doesn’t that side look a little crinkled? Hey, Kit!” She turned to her cousin passing by in the hallway. “Is this a sign she’s going to come out?”

  “Sure,” Kitty said, not caring.

  “This is so boring.” Anne said to Aragon. “I’m gonna go find something else to do. You were right.”

Aragon rolled her eyes in amusement at the bird, then fixed her eyes on the cocoon.

  “Come out when you’re ready, Joan,” She said. “I’ll be waiting.”

------

By the fourth day, most people stopped gawking at the cocoon. Only a few workers would stop by to look at it, but quickly went on with their work, not really caring anymore. The lump of silk was sort of just there now, almost forgotten. Just like Joan had been.

------

On the fifth day, Aragon found Kitty alone in the dressing room, staring intently at the cocoon with a look in her eye that Aragon did not like. When she was noticed, Kitty flicked her wings dismissively and walked out without a word. That night, Aragon dreamed of the cocoon being ripped open and Joan coming out in agony, horribly disfigured and screaming.

------

For the eleventh time on the sixth day, Aragon counted the food she had bought. Fruits and vegetables, cookies and chips, cheese strings and slices of sandwich meat-- She worried her talons in her feathers and hoped it would be enough for when Joan woke up. Cathy had said Joan was going to be extremely hungry when she woke up, so she was just preparing, that’s all. Nobody else was going to, so she just decided to do it herself. That’s all. There were no maternal implications going on at all. Nope. None.

Aragon stole a glance back at the faintly glowing cocoon in the corner. It looked exactly the same as it did six days ago. 

Or did it?

Aragon walked over to the cocoon, circling around it for a moment before kneeling beside it. She carefully placed both hands on the surface, folding her wings away, and pressed her head against the woven material.

  “Joan? Can you hear me?” She whispered softly, so softly, like she was afraid she might disturb the girl inside. “It’s Catalina, Joan. I’m here. I’m right here. You’re doing great, sweetheart. You’ll look so beautiful once you get out of there, baby girl.”

Aragon found that she was missing the girl. Like, really badly. She missed Joan’s shy smile and her gentleness and how she was always so passionate about music, even if it took everything out of her. She missed everything about the timid little music director, and she hadn’t realized how much she enjoyed seeing her everyday, even if they didn’t talk that often, until right now.

And then the silk moved against her skin, a slight push and give, as though the avian inside was nudging her back or saying that she missed her, too.

------

It was late afternoon of the seventh day when the cocoon moved. Aragon and Cathy, who were both in the dressing room waiting, snapped their heads up in sync, watching closely as if they thought that if they looked away for even a second the week would start all over again.

Right when they started to believe it had been their imagination, the cocoon moved again. And, this time, it wasn’t spotted in the corner of their peripheral vision.

Joan was coming out.

  “It’s happening.” Aragon said after everyone was gathered in the dressing room, as if they didn’t already know that. She grabbed and squeezed Cleves’s arm tightly, not realizing that her talons were digging in. “Do you remember your metamorphosis?” She snapped her head around to Kitty. “Is there anything we should do when she comes out? What if she needs help getting out of the cocoon? Can she get out on her own?”

  “Oh my god,” Kitty groaned in annoyance. “I don’t know!”

  “How can you not know?!” Aragon squawked, beating her wings. “You literally went through this!!”

  “I forgot.” Kitty shrugged.

  “No you didn’t.” Aragon growled. “You’re just not saying anything because you want to be a selfish--”

A crack split down the front of the cocoon. Aragon shut her mouth instantly before she could finish her scolding and whipped her gaze forward again. Fingers with new, tiny curved claws grabbed the edges of the slice and began pulling open, then clawing when that didn’t work. 

  “Is she okay?” Aragon asked. “She looks like she’s struggling. Is she struggling? Cathy, is she okay?” She looked at her goddaughter, sinking her talons deeper into Cleves’s arm. She didn’t even hear Cleves’s hiss of pain.

  “She’s fine, Catalina.” Cathy assured her. “From what I’ve read, this is normal. Just give her a moment.”

Aragon swallowed thickly, but nodded and looked forward again.

Hand prints could be seen pressing against the inside of the cocoon as the silk bindings were slowly scratched away. After a moment of fighting with the structure (and Kitty muttering, “I got out a lot faster than this” underneath her breath), an arm poked out, then another...and then another. 

Right. Insect avians have four arms. That’s probably going to be daunting to Joan after having only two for so long. 

The three visible arms, which were all covered in a thick, dripping shag of pink-yellow fluff from the elbow down, dug their claws into the surface of the cocoon, tearing and crinkling the silk, and then a familiar head popped out.

  “Joan,” Aragon breathed. “Joan, we’re here. I’m here. You’re doing so good!”

  “When did you start caring so much?” Jane asked, but shut up when Cathy nudged her.

Elegant golden antenna that looked like feathers unfurled from the crown of Joan’s head and waved in the air. Tufts of pink and yellow, like the fuzz on her arms, were matted by wetness on her ears. When she shoved more of her upper body out of the shredded cocoon, they all could see that 1) she was completely naked from her clothing being eroded by the cocoon’s fluids, and 2) there was more of that pink and yellow fluff on her chest and belly. It completely covered up her breasts until it looked like she didn’t even have any anymore (maybe she didn’t), and her ribs could just barely be seen under the blanket of fur, which was so long it reached down her torso. Her flat stomach had patches, too, making it soft and fuzzy, much different from the chitin on Kitty, Cathy, and Maria. 

With a splash and a cascade of cocoon fluids, Joan collapsed forward on her stomach. A few of the spectators looked away from her nakedness and stepped back from the liquids now spilled across the floor, but Aragon couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sight. Her heart was beating rapidly inside of her chest. She had the unresisting urge to run over and swaddle Joan in her wings.

Joan twitched on the ground, then took a deep breath. Fishhook-like claws scraped down against the tile as she tried to regain mobility. Cocoon fluid dripped off her wet hair and pale skin that was now bristled with fuzz. She unfolded her wings to let them dry, and everyone in the room gasped.

They were beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Aragon had thought that Kitty’s glass-like wings were the prettiest wings to ever exist in the entire world, but not even their iridescence could live up to the beauty of Joan’s rosy maple moth wings.

Pastel pink and banana yellow swirled together in beautiful shades across fuzzy chitin, as if the sunset itself had bled itself upon Joan’s wings. They were gigantic and curved into the most precious shapes Aragon had ever seen before.

Joan looked up, and her eyes were rings of moon silver blinking from an abyss of solid black.

  “Ta-dah!” She squeaked hoarsely.

[littlemixnet]

Little Mix's Jesy Nelson on surviving the trolls: 'People were saying horrific things' Eight years after she shot to fame on The X Factor, Nelson describes how she navigated the trauma of being relentlessly bullied on social media. When Jesy Nelson was 19 and working behind the bar at a pub in Dagenham, Essex, she remembers watching The X Factor on TV, and thinking: “I know I could win that.” In 2011, she did just that, as part of the girl group Little Mix – and thought: “This is the worst day of my life.” Competing in Simon Cowell’s singing contest unleashed ceaseless criticism of her appearance and weight (although rarely her voice). “All I cared about was what people were saying about me,” she says now. Winning offered no respite. When Little Mix were crowned, the first Facebook message she saw was from a stranger. It read: “You are the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. You do not deserve to be in this girl band, you deserve to die.” “I should have been on cloud nine,” she says. “I had Leigh-Anne [Pinnock, also of Little Mix] in my room being like: ‘This is the best!’ and I was like: ‘No, this isn’t.’” Little Mix went on to become the biggest British girl group since the Spice Girls, but Nelson was consumed by the trolling and abuse on social media. Within two years of the finale, she had depression and an eating disorder and had attempted suicide. The downward spiral and her eventual, slow recovery are the focus of an intensely personal BBC One documentary, Jesy Nelson: Odd One Out. Before shooting it, she says, she had never spoken publicly about her struggles in the spotlight. When we meet in a corner of BBC Broadcasting House in central London, Nelson, now 28, is friendly and glamorous, dressed in a double-breasted tangerine suit. It is the eighth anniversary of her X Factor debut and #8YearsofLittleMix has been trending on Twitter all morning, thanks to their fans, the “Mixers”. Within minutes of sitting down, she says that, had she known the consequences of appearing on The X Factor, she wouldn’t have done it: “I don’t think anything is worth your happiness, and it was a lot of my life that I won’t get back.” As a child growing up in Romford, Essex, Nelson was intent on becoming a performer, be it singing, dancing or acting. “I didn’t really have any reason to not be confident,” she says. In mid-2011, she auditioned for The X Factor as a solo entrant, and was eventually placed in a group with three others: Pinnock, Perrie Edwards and Jade Thirlwall, all aged between 18 and 20. Back then, social media was not as inextricably linked with reality TV as it is now. In fact, that eighth series was the first where applicants could upload their audition videos to YouTube; Nelson didn’t even know what YouTube was. She remembers being wowed when all the contestants were given new Samsung phones and told to get on Twitter to build their fanbase. On the first live show 12 weeks in, Little Mix (then Rhythmix – the name was changed later) performed Nicki Minaj’s Super Bass to gushing praise from judges Louis Walsh, Gary Barlow and their mentor Tulisa Contostavlos. It was “the best feeling in the world,” said Nelson through happy tears on stage. That night, off-camera, the contestants gathered to watch themselves on YouTube. Someone pointed out the comment section. “I was very naive,” says Nelson. “I thought it would be people giving their opinion on our performance. But nearly every comment was about the way I looked: ‘She’s a fat ugly rat’; ‘How has she got in this girl group?’; ‘How is the fat one in this?’” She remembers the air being thick with tension – “because no one knew what to do or how to react. “I felt a rush of anxiety, because I’d never experienced anything like that in my life. People were saying my face was deformed – just the most horrific things. I felt like I was heartbroken. I remember ringing my mum and saying: ‘Mum, I want to go home, I don’t want to do it.’” At about 1am, a member of The X Factor team found Nelson crying alone and asked why she was so upset. A couple of days later, she was asked to explain again – on camera. She didn’t want to do it. “They told me it wasn’t recorded, and it was.” A few weeks later, the clip of Nelson in tears over “a few nasty comments” was broadcast before Little Mix’s performance, the reality TV playbook of “sad piano” switching to upbeat pop music when Thirlwall comforts her: an uplifting moment of girl power. From then on, that was Nelson’s public narrative. She does not hold that clip, or the producers, responsible: “I think it would have always happened – that just added fuel to the fire.” From the start, relatability had been billed as a central tenet of Little Mix’s appeal. Contostavlos introduced them as “the girl group to represent ladies in this country”; she framed Nelson’s tears as evidence of Little Mix having “the same insecurities as every other girl”. Nelson, however, was the only member even remotely close to the average UK woman at size 16. Although the four bandmates have always been friends – “that’s why we’re still together” – she felt singled out. “I was with three other girls to be compared to. I don’t think it would have been as bad if I’d been on my own.” After the clip presented her as Little Mix’s weakest link, the abuse snowballed. “It was like as soon as people knew that it was really affecting me, they wanted to do it more.” Nelson had been bullied at school, to the point of stress-induced alopecia – “but this wasn’t playground stuff”. She was shocked by the cruelty from adults – some clearly parents. “Obviously everyone sits in their living room and will see someone on TV and make a comment. But to actually pick up your phone and go: ‘I’m going to make sure this girl sees it’ – even if they didn’t think I was going to see it – you have no idea the effect that one comment will have.” Nelson became “obsessed” with reading criticism. The praise didn’t register. “It only got worse when I got Twitter. And that led to the Daily Mail, and reading the [below the line] comments – the worst you can read about yourself. It was like I purposely wanted to hurt myself.” “I had a routine of waking up, going on Twitter, searching for the worst things I could about myself. I’d type in the search bar: ‘Jesy fat’, or ‘Jesy ugly’, and see what would come up. Sometimes I didn’t even need to do that, I’d just write ‘Jesy’ and then I’d see all the horrible things. Everyone told me to ignore it – but it was like an addiction.” At one event, Nicola Roberts of Girls Aloud – who had seen the clip of her crying – took Nelson aside. “She said: ‘Can I just give you one bit of advice? Please don’t read stuff about you. It’s the worst thing you could do.’” Nelson rolls her eyes self-mockingly. “But did I listen? No.” Contestants had been told help was available if they were struggling, but Nelson had learned that talking only made the problem worse. “I don’t think any of the team really knew how upset it was making me – it’s just go-go-go, from the car into hair and makeup, then rehearsals.” It was also a popularity contest. “We just wanted to make everyone happy, and we wanted everyone to like us.” In December 2011, Little Mix became the first group to win The X Factor. Their debut single entered the charts at No 1 seven months later; DNA, their first album, was released in November 2012. Scrutiny of Nelson only increased amid the pressure to maintain momentum. Although she tried not to discuss it, she feels the abuse came to define her public image. “I’d become a bit of a joke. People would make memes, chopping my head off in a group photo and putting a monster or ET on there. I’d be in live Q&As and these things would pop up and I’d have to just sit there.” Interviewers asked her how she dealt with it; fans said they looked up to her. She was depressed and in denial: she refused antidepressants, and therapy didn’t help. “Our schedule was so gruelling. I was going to see a therapist at six o’clock in the morning, crying, and then going to a photoshoot.” Meanwhile, in public, she was “giving speeches about being confident”. Little Mix, as the guardians of girl power, were not only supposed to represent every woman, but defend every woman. “I felt I had to be this person who was like …” Nelson juts her jaw, sashays from side to side, a facsimile of her sassy music-video persona: “‘I don’t care what people are saying about me, I’m this strong woman.’ That was the role I had to take on in the group, when really I was an absolute mess.” In the lead-up to TV performances or video shoots: “I’d starve myself … I’d drink Diet Coke for a solid four days and then, when I felt a bit dizzy, I’d eat a pack of ham because I knew it had no calories. Then I’d binge eat, then hate myself.” Yet she did not see herself as having an eating disorder. “I could see that I was losing weight and sometimes I’d see a few good comments and that spiralled me to be like: ‘This is how I need to stay.’ No one cares whether your performance was good, or if you sounded great.” Nelson started skipping events where she knew she would be photographed. On one magazine shoot, the wrong size clothes were provided. “I had a meltdown. I cried so much, I had to wear sunglasses. I did one photo, then left.” She hid her misery well, she says now. “I think people just thought I was a miserable bitch.” Her lowest point was in the lead-up to Little Mix’s second album, Salute, in 2013. Her mum, Janice, increasingly desperate, told her she had to quit the band. Yet Nelson worried that leaving – or even taking a break – would draw more attention to herself. “Everyone’s going to ask why.” In November 2013, Little Mix returned to The X Factor to perform their new single, Nelson notably slimmed down. Coverage centred on one tweet from Katie Hopkins: “Packet Mix have still got a chubber in their ranks. Less Little Mix. More Pick n Mix.” Increasingly, Nelson felt trapped. “I felt that I physically couldn’t tolerate the pain any more.” She attempted suicide. Nelson’s family, her management and the rest of the group knew – but “once it was spoken about, it wasn’t ever spoken about again,” she says. She was offered time off, but once more was too frightened of drawing attention to herself to take it. The turning point came in February 2014, when Little Mix spent six weeks travelling across North America, opening for Demi Lovato. One day, on the bus, the dancers pulled her aside and told her she had to quit Twitter, likening it to a book filled with “loads of nasty things” that Nelson always had her nose in. She finally deleted her account. “It was a long, hard process, because I didn’t want to help myself. But it wasn’t until I deleted Twitter that everything changed for me and I slowly started to feel normal again.” Through more regular therapy and talking to friends and family, eventually she was able to stop reading articles about herself, and distance herself from her public image even as Little Mix’s star continued to climb. In 2016, Glory Days became their first No 1 album in the UK. Since February, Nelson has been dating the 2017 Love Island contestant Chris Hughes, who has defended her publicly from online trolling and who she says is a positive influence on her feelings about fame: “It’s nice to be around someone who doesn’t give a shit about all that stuff.” Making the documentary also contributed; she lights up while talking about meeting a body-image specialist, Liz Ritchie, to help her understand her relationship with social media and the “mask” that she had developed to withstand the spotlight. Part of this involved going over footage from The X Factor, which was a difficult experience, but ultimately empowering. “Don’t get me wrong, I still have days when I feel shit in myself but instead of beating myself up about it and being miserable, I think: ‘OK, I’m going to have my moment of being sad, and I’ll be over it.’ Before, I didn’t let myself be sad.” Talking to other young people who have experienced online abuse made her feel less alone. “A lot of people think ‘stop moaning’, but until you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to understand – and it doesn’t just happen to people in the limelight. There’s so many people struggling with social media and online trolling. People need to know about the effects it has.” The turnaround in five years, she agrees, is remarkable: now, as Little Mix work on their sixth album, Nelson is less conscious of her weight, her appearance, what she’s eating – even what is being said about her. To shoot the documentary, she returned to Twitter, and discovered some new slurs. “I didn’t even know some people said that about me, but it’s because I don’t look for it – and also, I. Don’t. Care,” she says, leaning forward in her chair. “Now I’m mentally a lot happier, I just think people are always going to have an opinion. But I only care about mine.” She flashes a smile from beneath all her hair, happy but defiant – and for a moment she looks exactly like the girl in the music videos.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #274

“now i can hear the marching feet / they’re moving into the street”

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? I only have a black one. Is your dream job attainable? I mean define “dream job.” I’d ideally be a meerkat biologist if I was willing to live in Africa and could handle even mild heat, but I can’t/won’t do either of those, so it’s not obtainable to me. I’d also love to be a paleontologist if I could travel and handle heat once more, but again, I can’t. My only *attainable* dream job is being a photographer, which I am aiming for. I’d LIKE to focus on nature/wildlife photography, but that’s unlikely to be able to support me, so. Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? N/A Have you slept for longer than usual today? Yes, but only because of my nightmares. I tend to take at least two (though sometimes one) hour-long naps during the day because if I wake up once during the night, as I usually do, I’m fucked because I’m very likely to have an intense nightmare. It seems like the medicine I’m on wears off with consciousness, I guess. I only allow myself to sleep an hour at daytime because my mother has noticed if I have a nightmare, it’s usually no earlier than one hour into sleep. Even then I still have them occasionally. Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Recorder in elementary school was necessary for whatever stupid reason, and then I played the flute for years. Out of school, I took guitar lessons for a while. I got semi-decent (at best I could do the intro to “Crazy Train” at normal speed, I think), but it didn’t last because it was annoying/time-consuming to build up the calluses that make playing painless, I was really bad at overthinking where my fingers were, and I just wasn’t invested quite enough. I’ll tell you, it gave me mad respect for guitarists, that shit isn’t easy by any means. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yes, though it was brief. I was a kid (okay, pre-teen, w/e) still in my separation anxiety from Mom phase and it was literally because of me we had to go home. I still feel shitty about it, though no one seemed upset at me. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck even knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; N/A; yes ultimately but no at the current moment because I have to keep watch over Mom. If you wear make-up, which brand of foundation/powder do you use? N/A Would you call yourself a “people” person? Nope. What is one change you need to make in your life this month? Just one??? What’s been tugging on your heart lately? My PTSD plus self-image has been very, very bad. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Mom had to clean up my cat’s projectile vomit even though she’s supposed to stay away from this kinda stuff through chemo. I literally cannot fucking touch vomit, never mind what came out of him that night. I felt like absolute fucking shit and I still do because WOW I’m a great adult right!! Do you have any physical traits that are bothering you lately? Like, everything. What kind of dog is your favorite? I’m biased to beagles. What was the last thing you received in the mail? A book. What is the last thing you wrote? Like, physically? My signature at the doctor’s office. Do you still care about the person you first kissed? Way fucking more than I should. Do you require a lot of private time? Definitely more than most people. Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? I haven’t listened to it in forever for ~reasons~, yet “The Mortician’s Daughter” is stuck in my head badly and really needs to fuck off. What was the last song you downloaded? I dunno, I went on a download binge a while back. Have you ever read a really funny book? I remember at least one. “Bite Me” by IDR-Who. Some vampire satire. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? Never reached the point of being drunk. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? fuckin YIKES I am NOT attractive rn go away Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? HAHA my mom has always had the decency to knock, not so much his mom a;lwkejrewoei but the answer’s still no. What electronics are in your room? (DVD player, CD player, etc) This laptop, my phone, a Nintendo DS, my iPod… Do you have a box anywhere with special items you'll to keep forever in it? Yes, actually. Grew up calling them “treasure boxes.” Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls? Lol no, I’d definitely prefer to not see myself as much as I can. That sounds melodramatic, but I’m being serious. It either depresses me or makes me angry. Does your dad collect anything? The Cleveland Browns’ football team stuff, for one. Maybe Carolina Hurricane stuff, too? Idk. I don’t live with him and don’t go in his “man cave” at his house often ha ha. What's better, a desktop or laptop? Explain. A laptop. Portable; that’s all the explanation ya really need. Do your parents still hide chocolate eggs around on Easter for you? Nah. What do you typically do on Easter Day? We go to my sister’s house to watch the kids do their egg hunting and open their gifts, then we usually go to Ashley’s in-laws’ for dinner. Is there anyone you literally need to exist? Apparently not. Thought so. Never let yourself into that state of mind. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand-written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Oh, a hand-written poem would wreck me, yeesh. Or a drawing. But any would be very sweet. Do you remember why you made the last mistake you did? I don’t know the most recent mistake, but probably because I’m just in general a terrified person who second-guesses or overanalyzes everything. Did you check how many calories the last thing you ate had? Yes. I’m back on my calorie-counting obsession again. Are your nails long or short? Short, always. I can’t keep them long. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Just the ordinary chocolate chip is fine. What was the last compliment you received? I don’t know. Who will be the next person you kiss? I normally delete this question because the answer should be so obvious, but I feel like just pointing it out that no one fucking knows who they’re gonna kiss next. It’s a dangerous mindset. Don’t make assumptions about what you’ll have even tomorrow. Have you ever made your own icon? Yeah, on many sites. They’re just about always just edits, though, not truly original work. What color is your computer mouse? It’s black. Have you ever been sung to on your birthday in a restaurant? Yes. Do you like black olives? I don’t like olives period. Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocolypse? Personally, no. I do think it’s scientifically possible, we already see this in insects, but I just don’t imagine it happening to humans before we’re our own downfall. Do you like the person you’ve become over the past years? Fuck no. Have you ever gone to church just to get a significant other? … No…? Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger? No, that shit is terrifying. Are you really ticklish? YES don’t fucking touch me. How do you decide what you're going to eat each day? I just follow what I’m craving that day. How are you similar to your siblings? Different? Compared to Ashley and Nicole at least, I can’t think of any real similarities off the top of my head. They’re intelligent, motivated, outgoing, successful, yada yada, then there’s me. What's your favorite type of non-fiction literature? Autobiographies by people I’m actually interested in. Do you believe in souls? Soulmates? Souls, absolutely. Soulmates, no. It’s fairytale ideation to think your soul has a perfect match with another, hate to break it to ya. Favorite soundtrack? BITCH don’t make me choose between Shadow of the Colossus and Silent Hill 2. Fucking masterpieces. Pianos or guitars? *shrugs* Depends on the music and my mood. Did an animal ever bite you? Never seriously. How many languages do you speak? Only English fluently. I’m poor at German by now. Wiggly worms or bumble bees? Worms gross me out, bees are Good Boys. Religion? I don’t really identify with any. I just believe there’s some form of ultimate intelligence and essences beyond just the body, and that’s all I even pretend to know. Fog, thunder, or rain? Fog gives me that Silent Hill Vibe *Italian kiss* What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? The way I treated Jason after the breakup. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Damn pollen. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yeah. What would you be most afraid of happening if you were to visit Africa? Viruses or botflies. Where are you tempted to move to sometimes? I very legitimately want to live in Canada by now, but I won’t because I’m not moving that far from family. Who seems like they have the perfect life? I try not to make that assumption of anyone. Do you ever take pictures of negative moments? Does taking pictures of roadkill count???? lmao probably Do you think it would be a good idea to post photos of negative moments as well as positive? Well… I guess it depends. Like ngl, the pictures some people share of them having panic attacks to just show how fucking real they are definitely touch you, as do those depicting poverty, etc., BUT I really do think there are limits and also differences in motivations. What time zone are you in? EST. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? Wow, speaking of. No. ^Why or why not? I am an UGLY cry-er, my man. But I also just don’t want people to see that, and it’s definitely not on my mind to take a picture during a breakdown. What was the last thing you cried about? My life. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yes. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yes. Where do you buy calendars from? I don’t. Do you shop at the dollar store often? Not *often*, but we’ll stop by for a snack or something sometimes. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. Do you feel you missed out on a lot as a kid? I guess in some ways. Who was that best friend you ever had? Sara. What color is your laptop? Black. What are five careers you think you’d be good at? My work history has shown I can’t do shit right. Are you thriving in your life right now? lmao no one is in 2020. Who do you have moral support from? My family, doctor, and a few friends. Who encourages you to go after your dreams? The same as above. Do you have people in your family who want you dead? Wow, I hope not. Do you have a walk-in closet? No, but my room at the new house will. :’) Not that I need one, it’s just pretty cool. How do you feel about people like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos having so much power and control in the world? Do you believe that any one person should have so much power? Let’s be real, in our current world, money is power, and no one should have that much control of the world, especially if your intentions are bad. NOW I don’t know jack shit about any of those are far as morals go, but just saying. It’s dangerous. Has your anxiety alone ever prevented you from doing something you wanted to do? This is ACTUALLY the story of my fucking life. Do you enjoy reading stories and novels that are heavily stylistic, poetic, or unconventional or do you prefer your prose to follow a familiar grammatical structure? Okay, I LOVE those, like Johnny Got His Gun and The Handmaid’s Tale that’s kinda like, run-on writing. Just letting a train of thought go. Those are two of the most powerful books I’ve ever read and they’re both written in a unique fashion. Have you ever fallen for any sort of Internet-based hoax? (e.g., fake celeb death, satire news article…) I’m sure at some point, especially as a kid. Do you tend to read reviews before you watch a movie or read a book? What do you hope to get out of doing so? NO. I don’t wanna have any precognition. When you go to a concert, how far must you travel for the most usual venues you visit? Most are on the other end of the state, and NC is long, so. We’re lucky if they come to Raleigh. Do you rent movies frequently? I never do, really. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Take pictures or swim. What’s your favorite meal to cook? I don’t cook. What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? Oh, I’m sure there are some, but none immediately come to mind. I’m not that into movies. Do you refuse to eat certain foods because of what they look like? Yes. I am VERY poor at getting past how a food looks. What are you listening to? NSP’s cover of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” It’s fuckin gorgeous. How much homework do you have tonight? N/A Are you wearing any bracelets? Yes; one that Sara got me as well as an ovarian cancer awareness one. What's physically wrong with you right now? JINKIES I just feel really lethargic like always. Do you take any medications daily? Ha ha thanks for actually reminding me I need to now. When was the last time you moved to a new house? Two years ago, and now we’ll be moving to a much better place by the end of this month/early September, finally. When it comes to relationships, are you the jealous type? Nah. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? Idk actually. It’s not like I use it a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? A few nights ago. I was extremely hot, dizzy, and pretty nauseated. I was fine, though. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? I pretty much never wear makeup so have never really had a reason to reapply it. I’m definitely not wearing any now. Does your kitchen have a theme? No. Do you like ice cream sandwiches? GIRL yes. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. They’re more comfortable imo but more importantly block out exterior noise very well. Are you a fan of any independent films? ngl, I don’t know exactly what that is and I don’t feel like looking it up. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I very genuinely think some of the RP stories I’ve taken part in are novel-worthy, yes. I wanted to make them books when I was younger, but now I no longer do mainly because there are areas that are just way too fucking dark that I don’t wanna put out there but play massive parts in the stories, so like… Do you regularly watch the news? I never do. Facebook is my “news” source lmao. Who was the last person you video-chatted with? I don’t remember for sure, maybe some doctor? What do you want the theme of your wedding to be? I don’t really think about this, seeing as my mind has changed enough, and it also depends on what my partner wants, too. Have you ever been caught passing a note in class? Noooo, I absolutely hated passing notes because I was genuinely a good student. I only did so very, very rarely if another friend started it. Have you ever had dandruff? I have dandruff AND a dry scalp. It’s a wonderful mix. Have you ever gone through a phase of crushing on EVERYONE? Definitely not. Do you have any clothes with spikes/studs on them? I have a spiked choker, and I might still have gloves with studs? Can you remember what you last clapped for? My mom’s birthday! :’) Have you ever given a pet to someone else? Yes, with cats; we had to do that quite often when I was a kid because we had so many cats, none which we could afford to fix. Then we’ve done it with two dogs we just couldn’t handle. Oh yeah, I gave my iguana away too because he was too high maintenance for me, but also because he DESPERATELY needed a much bigger terrarium, which we couldn’t afford. I absolutely could not watch him in that tiny tank. I miss him a LOT, but he went to a wonderful home! The lady who adopted him sent me pictures upon pictures months after taking him in. Do you know anyone named Walter? No. What's your least favorite ice-cream flavor? Strawberry is fucking disgusting. And that’s coming from someone whose favorite fruit is strawberries. What's your least favorite song by your favorite artist? I’m not sure. There’s a handful that just don’t grab my attention that I don’t even remember them. What was the last good news you heard? I can FINALLY talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Who’s your favorite singer of all time? Probably Freddie Mercury. What airline do you fly most? Idk, I don’t really pay attention. I haven’t flown very often though anyway. Do you have a dog that is destructive? I don’t have a dog. What’s one TV series you’ve seen every episode of? Meerkat Manor is the most obvious, ha ha. Maaaaany times. Assuming you have Facebook, who last left you a wallpost? Probably my friend Sammi. Assuming you have hair, how are you wearing it today? It’s too short for me to “wear” it any particular way. It’s just… there lmao. Assuming you're not homeless, what kind of living arrangements do you have? I live with my mom in a house she’s renting. Have you or have you ever considered messing around with the same sex? I’m bisexual so you can guess I’m not opposed to it. Are you particular about any brands of food you will or will not eat? Are there any restaurants you refuse to go to? Brands, no. I don’t eat Chick-fil-a because they’re run by fucking homophobic bigots that monetarily support conversion therapy and other anti-LGBT projects. I’m not giving you any fucking money. What was the most current dream you can remember about? Do you generally dream every night, or hardly at all? It was actually last night, when I dreamed about accidentally running into Jason where I last knew he worked, and he was really hostile. If I don’t take my medicine, I always have nightmares when I sleep.

[thestarrythoughts]

Confronting My Anxiety Around Food

After all these years, I have finally come to accept that I do struggle with food. Growing up, similar to many other girls out there, I used to go on ridiculous fad diets, restricted my food intake while increasing the frequency and intensity of my exercise and would purposely avoid eating with people just to make sure that I get to eat something “healthy”. Somehow, I was able to sort of convince the people around me that I was just into healthy food and that i managed to find a balance. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a picky eater and naturally, I do enjoy my whole foods like vegetables and grains! I avoid fast food and fried food because I do not enjoy them for they are oily and they get my quiet bloated at times. However, I realised that my anxiety around food started to change as I started to get older. Allow me to share my story with you; In my teenage years, say around 13-15 years old, it was the era where tumblr was the prime website where everyone was on. Instagram started getting more popular too. During those period, I started seeing more photos of other girls out there with picture perfect bodies. Victoria Secret was a big thing as well! The Victoria Secret runway show was something that we all looked forward to! Seeing those curvy and long bodies sure made me realise that my body looks nothing like theirs and I really wanted to look like that. With that, there were many different “influencers” and platforms that were promoting and advocating fad diets, the ones who were meant to be quick and effective. The trending diet culture was already screaming at us to EAT LESS!!! RUN MORE!!! EXERCISE IS KEY!!! So, I started exercising more and eating less. At that time, i was also in a physically demanding team sport, netball, so I was training two to three times a week. On top of that, I would add on my own physical training. During recess, I would try to eat as little as possible by buying fruits or yoghurt or I would bring a tuna wrap from home to munch on. What I did not realise is that this led me down to a road of binge eating and a lot of self-hatred. Whenever I stood in front of a mirror, I was never satisfied. I never got that 6 pack abs or that thigh gap and it would always be my fault. Being in an all girls school also did not help. I was constantly surrounded by girls who were skinnier and prettier than me. I guess I just wanted to look like them as well. I could not help but to blame myself every single time that I failed to adhere to a diet. 

As I grew older, as a result of training harder for sports, I realised that I had to eat more to fuel myself for the intensive trainings. I started educating myself with regards to food. I came to an understanding that I needed to eat more in order to perform better. The struggle was that I did not want to eat more but I knew that I had to. So instead of trying to restrict my diet as much, i became obsessed with eating healthier. I became very conscious about the way that the food I was having was being prepared. Also, if i ate out and ate something unhealthy, I would make it up the next day by eating super clean. And this would be the current struggle. 

Growing older meant that my body was going through changes, changes that I did not welcome. I started to get slightly bigger, my hips definitely got bigger and generally, I started putting on more weight. In university, I started to become less active because I was no longer playing team sports as often and I was just overall physically less active. I was staying on campus which meant that I did not really have access to “clean” food and to save money, I ate whatever was offered. I had a bad coping mechanism with stress as well. Sometimes I would take the healthier route by exercising and going for runs, but other times, it was easier to grab a snack. On some days, I would be super conscious on what I was eating. On other days, especially when I felt like shit, I would just eat whatever I wanted to. I faced multiple set backs in university and I was very stressed. It’s not surprising that I gained so much weight but yet I was very surprised because I rarely ate supper (like less than 10 times in my whole 2 years of university) and I still tried to exercise regularly. As a result, whenever I could, I would try to be super obsessive about the food that I was eating because I wanted to take control. I wanted to feel like I was in control. Unfortunately, I was bouncing back and forth between restricting food intake, binge eating, self-blame, trying to eat clean, breaking the diet... I was devastated and tired. 

Right now, by being in quarantine, I am forced to confront my unhealthy eating habits. I realised that I get super stressed out about food and I’m always thinking about how to make my next meal the “clean meal”. I get super uptight when my parents would buy food from outside. Choosing the healthier option is not wrong, but it was more than just that. It was the guilt that came with that. I celebrated my 21st birthday in quarantine which meant that I had cake at home. My lovely family and friends delivered cake and cupcakes to my place and that led to the fridge being full of sweet treats. Because I did not want to waste the food, I started snacking on the sweet treats here and there. Though it felt great at that moment, it would not be long before the feeling of guilt would consume me again. In this period, I felt like i was yoyo-ing between different mentalities. Sometimes i would be forgiving to myself for being a little less restrictive, sometimes i would be super uptight about it. I would skip full meals just to have a cheesecake... well because the calories do add up don’t they? During this period, a lot of “fitspo” influencers started speaking up as well. People were saying things like “oh don’t put yourself under a lot of stress, just be kind to yourself”, and others were like “now is the best time to watch what you eat! Transform yourself in 1 month!”. As well-meaning as the latter were, it did not help that a lot of them were promoting short term gains and fast results! I could do a whole post on this! But anyway, in the first few months, I was constantly in a bad mood because I was so fixated on my food intake! What am I going to eat? How can I make this healthier? Blah blah blah. And every morning, I would go and check myself out in the mirror!! Is that even healthy? 

I realised that I had to confront the anxiety when my mood started to affect my family members. The people around me were very conscious that I was in a bad mood. But it was weird because I was normally someone who is cheerful and joyful. I realised that I did not want to affect my family like that because being stuck in quarantine was difficult already, what more with someone who was constantly in a bad mood! So I realised that I needed to change. Firstly, I started eating the food that my parents bought. I became more free with the choices that I ate. WOW, roast pork is REALLY good. I would still avoid the fatty parts, but allowing myself to take a few pieces was already a step of improvement for me. I also started to allow myself to be a bit more carefree with the snacks I ate by limiting my portions and spreading them out over the day than finishing everything in one shot. This really helped me to portion my food and to stop when I was satisfied. Next, I also started to watch more youtube videos by different fitness youtubers who focus a lot on science and nutrition. By watching more people, I had a better understanding of how science and nutrition comes hand in hand! A few of them would be like natacha oceane and jeremy ethier! I also started allowing myself to order foods that I wanted to eat when I started to crave things like noodles. As I said before, my food choices are naturally more on the healthier side, but I would now allow myself to eat more carbs like noodles! Even though from time to time, I still struggle with the way that I eat, I am thankful for the journey that I have gone through so far. 

I may go into deeper details soon as I consolidate more thoughts but this is the gist of my journey around food. I am determined to overcome my fear and anxiety around food and I am determined to do so in a healthy way as well! This post became slightly messier than I expected but it felt good to be able to vocalise the thoughts on my mind. I hope that to those of you who stumble upon this page that you would have a safe quarantine period. To those of you who struggle with food, you are not alone. We are in this together :) 

[raph8sblog]

🔆Dreaming Of You 🔆 Part I.

Love, is surely the most beautiful thing in life, right? When someone loves you back, it can give you wings to fly above the sky and feel yourself as the most lucky person ever, who ever walked on Earth, it’s makes you a better person, when you are loving someone unconditionally. The process of love seems simple, you just have to realise that you like someone, than get close to the chossen one and after a while admit your feelings bravely. But, what if the other half don’t feel the same way like you do? In the worst scenario, it will break you into million pieces but after a while you manage to get through the pain maybe you will write out your heartache or pour the feelings into music and create masterpieces. Then, the worst scenarios can turn out as the best experiences, which gave you great inspirations and motivation to get yourselt together. However, you know yourself enough, to acknowledge that you nor a poet, neither a musician and if someone crush your sensitive heart, you will just cry out your eyes, lose your hope and your remaining self confidence. So, you decided not to tell  anyone about, how you felt. 

Also, your situation were different. You grew up as the ugly duckling next to the beautiful ones. You were the chubby kid since the kindergarden, until the high school. The one, who never talked back, when someone made fun of how many pack of chips you can it daily. Someone, who remained in silence, without a single word. You used to being alone, thanks to all the torments, that you suffered through. But, things changed, when you met with your best friend, Felix. He was the light in your life, who teached you that you are worthy and precious. You shared a lot of good memories together and after a while, of course you started to grew feelings for him. You never had the courage to tell him about it. He was the closest person to your heart, and vice versa, he trusted you wholeheartedly but he was still out of your reach. You convinced yourself that friendship is more than enough for you but life made a cruel decision when you two seperated. He went to Seoul to achive his dreams and shortly after he debuted as the member of Stray Kids, his fame started to rise. Now, even in your hometown a lot of people is listening to their songs, also when you are surfing on the net, you came across with fan pages as well. You always wanted to keep contact with him but after a while it’s became impossible. Or, you thought that, and gave up every hope, until the moment when luck decided to stand on your side again:

You got the intership, what you previously applied for at the university and now you are living in Seoul. After high school your apperance changed a lot, you lost weight and put more effort to your fashion style as well. But, even if you got a compliment your lack of confidence couldn’t change. All the harsh words still remained in your mind. That’s why you always payed extra attention to useless and stupid things, like how many calories you consume daily and when it was too much, you felt yourself extremely guilty. Even, if you looked pretty, your bad social kills made it difficult for you to get to know new people. You were lonely, when you moved to Seoul, you couldn’t talk to anyone at the uni even regardless of the fact that you were excellent from Korean language, thanks to your and your best friend’s effort. So, you tried to keep yourself busy and make money out of your free time and started working at a vinly store. Lucky for you, this is the place, where the miracle happened. One night, you were daydreaming in your shift when a costumer came to the counter: 

- Excuse me, may I ask your opinion about this album? - you looked up, he was wearing baseball cap and a mask, so at first sight you didn’t realize who it was. But, his voice sounded familiar. Then, you looked down at the album and your breath stucked in your chest. It was the Clé:Levanter from Stray Kids. 

- Wow... - you muttered to yourself flustered, when the boy tucked the mask under his chin. No more doubt! It was him! His freckles became visible, even in the dim light of the shop. 

- It’s been such a long time Y/N! You changed so much but of course I recognised you! 

- Am I dreaming? - you asked yourself not quite believing what just happened. 

- How... Did you find me? 

- Silly, I found your insta, you uploaded a photo of the vinly store. I won’t blame you about this, I have to admit it, this place has a good aesthetic vibe. - you looked around at the shop, the walls are decorated with old, colorful album covers. It was vintage and stylish at the same time. 

- So, I came here to visit you! - he realized that you were in deep silence, you couldn’t find the right words, of course you were more than happy but your old emotions started to flood your heart again. 

- Am I bothering you Y/N? 

- No!! I’m just shocked Felix! You are here, with me, in the real life? I can’t believe it! - you relplied quickly. 

- Then, I should help you prove it, that you aren’t dreaming. My schedule is not that busy this week, do you want to meet up? - you eagerly nodded. 

Sometimes, life can be cruel and unfair but other times it can give you the flowers of happiness. That’s how your friendship continued and with no time, you two became unseperable again. Even, with Felix’s busy schedule you guys always managed to find time for each other. Seoul started to feel like home with the most important person on your side but beside the joy you felt yourself pressured by the old, same feeling. Your first and last love for your best friend also grew stronger than before. And you still didn’t have any courage to tell him, to risk your friendship and shatter everyting that you have. 

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“Monday, 9:30″ your lockscreen was so bright that it’s almost made you blind. You slowly opened your eyes, the morning lights escaped through the window’s shatter and they were dancing on the walls. Your first class will start soon, you have to get up but you are way too tired so you decided to spent five more minutes under the sheets. But, your phone buzzed again, you reached out to check who texted to you and all the tiredness disappeared when you saw Felix’s name: 

“Y/N are you up? Please text me back, we need to talk ASAP! I hope your afternoon is free, wait for me at the dorm!” it was strange, Felix never asked you to come to their dorm. Of course you’ve been there a few times before in the past months. You get to know the other members as well, but since you were a little bit shy, you still acted awkward around them. Today is a day off for the band, they can finally rest after the perfomances. So, maybe this is the reason why Felix invite you over, because most of the members are going out to enjoy their free time. Still, it can’t be the only reason, he wants to tell you something and you had no idea what’s troubling him. Nowdays he acted a little bit serious and cold, but you thought the main reason behind that is his busy schedule. 

After the university you straight went to the dorm, you felt yourself uneasy, you was desperate. Maybe, you did something bad, or said something bad? It was always like this, you thought you are the cause of his sadness. You wanted to cheer him up somehow, you even brought his favourite snacks and you hoped that you are worrying for nothing. 

When you arrived, it was already past four at the afternoon but Felix wasn’t at home. Changbin greeted you at the door with a wide smile. You really liked him from the moment Felix introduced you to his band mates, he was always sweet and caring towards you. He treated you like an old friend, so your fears with strangers dissolved when you were with him. 

- Y/N you came right on time! We were watching a boring kdrama with Hyunjin and all the lovey dovey started to feel suffocating for me! - you glanced towards the couch, Hyunjin just waved to you without a word. To be honest, unlike with Changbin, you didn’t really get on well with Hyunjin. You are not sure, why though... You tried to be kind with him, but maybe it’s just the fact, that he was really handsome and popular with girls so he didn’t want to know someone plain and ordinary like you. Okay, it’s seems harsh to think, this is the reason behind his unfriendly actions. But, he was sweet towards his bandmates, you were the only one, who was neglected and ignored by him. 

- Are you sure that I’m not bothering you guys? I can wait for Felix, outside as well! - you said awkwardly. Changbin just grabbed your hand and led you to the couch:

- Sit next to me ~ 

You sat between them and you tried to feel yourself less uncomfortable, the drama, that they have been watching, was truly boring, but it calmed you down a little bit because you were no longer paying attention to your inner thoughts. 

- Hey, Hyunjineee!! You told me to watch this boring shit with you and now you are hanging nonstop on your phone! - you almost dozed off but Changbin’s voice dragged you back to the reality. 

- I’m learning English. I want to improve myself. - he lied without looking up from his screen. 

- Then, you should ask Y/N to help you out, since this is her first language. - you started fidgeting, it wasn’t a good idea, you felt yourself so small and insecure next to him. But, luckily for you, he didn’t required your help as well: 

- Nah, I don’t need help! Y/N’s accent is making dificult for me to uderstand her explanations... - wow, he said that your language skills are not that good, right? Or you just imagining things because he is not that likeable for you? 

- It was a little bit rude to say out loud, I hope you noticed this! - Changbin tried to defend you. 

- I’m just honest and please let me learn in peace. 

- Sure.. Just pretend that you are learning! - the sun was setting, the lights were so beautiful. Orange, red, and dark pink, these shades gathered together on the sky and made the scenery unreal. Hyunjin finally looked up from his phone and quickly he stand up from the couch to take some pictures: 

- Golden Hour! - he sighed dramatically: 

- Should I take some selfies as well? 

- English is no longer interesting? - you just laughed at them quietly and glanced down at your watch:

“6:00″ ....... You started to get worried again, you wanted to ask them where is Felix, but then, your phone is buzzed and a message showed up: 

“Come to the rooftop! I’m still shaking, I can’t go inside now!” 

As fast as you can, you rushed up to the rooftop, where the city below was bathing in the warm lights. Felix was there, waiting for you, he turned around when you arrived, still giggling. He couln’t stop smiling, instead of speaking about why he called you there, he just embraced you. In his arms, your mind went blank, your knees felt weak: 

- Remember, when you told me, that you liked someone so much that you thought you are going crazy from all the emotions? - of course you remembered, you talked about him back then.

- I still feel the same way, everytime I think about him. - you admitted. 

- I think, I know why you felt that way. You were in love, so deeply...Uh... Y/N, I’m just lost in words! - he picked you up and spinned you around, you were confused, why he is acting like that? He is so happy and so strange at the same time, he wasn’t his normal self. And then, you felt like, maybe you got a chance for the first time, maybe he knows without any confession how you feel about him, you collected your courage: 

- Felix... I... Need to tell you something.... Maybe, you are feeling the same way as.... 

- Yes! I’m feeling the same way as you! - he nodded, flashing his beautiful smile at you again. Your heart was beating so fast that you thought you are going to pass out. Here, in his arms, on the rooftopp, it felt like a fairytail, or like a chessy kdrama. 

- But Y/N today, I asked her out and she said yes to me! - exactly, then, your heart really stopped beating for a moment...... He wasn’t talking about you.... 

- What..... ? - you asked weakly. 

- I didn’t tell you yet! She is a really famous idol now at the entertaiment and I thought she would never talk to me, since I’m just a beginner next to her! - you felt a strange sensation is your stomach and your chest, it was a terrible feeling, which almost made you cry. 

- I have to ask you this Y/N, this is a secret between us! I don’t want anyone to know about us, please cover me! Can you tell the boys tomorrow that you are with me, when they ask you why I skipped the practise? - you just nodded, shocked and defeated, Felix embraced again and whispered to your ear: 

- Isn’t it wonderful Y/N? 

- Yes.... It’s truly wonderful, I’m  so happy for you Felix. - you replied, while a teardrop started to make its way down your cheek. 

Hiiii Guys this is my first fic! So I kinda have this idea in my mind for a while, and I thought I might share it with you! Should I continue? 💓

[sticksnstars]

About Anorexia

For me, anorexia was, and is, about addiction. Let me explain that. At first, you get addicted, obsessed with seeing Tumblr and Instagram posts that portrait those skinny skinny girls, the ones who most likely have jobs involving their bodies, models and actresses who go on extreme diets and workout 12 hours a day to keep that body, those who have teams to keep them that way, those who are perfect. They have that flat belly, that thigh gap, those apparent collarbones and ribs. You want that more than anything. And then you start to hate yourself. You hate yourself because you can’t be them, and that’s because you don’t have the strength, the force of will and the potential to be like them. You can’t muster fasting for another hour, another family dinner, another day, another week. And that’s because you are weak, and ugly, and FAT. You don’t care that those girls most likely don’t have the energy to run up a flight of stairs, and you don’t care that they are fragile. You just care about how skinny they are, about how pretty they are, and about how their lives are perfect, because they’re skinny. But you can’t seem to reach that, because you are just not enough. Then, you start to eat less. You start counting everything you eat, drink, and maybe even your desires. You worry about how much that hot dog you ate with your friends is going to make you fat, or about how that popcorn you ate while watching a comedy with your family is going to make you fat. You count everything. Every popcorn, every layer of cheese, every spoon of milk that you eat with your cereal, every single peanut from that snack at school. At this point you start skipping meals, telling people that you already ate when you haven’t, but you don’t even know exactly why. Sure, to get skinnier, you say, but you’re getting addicted to it, to the feeling of hunger, to the feeling of an empty stomach… And then, one day, you see that your favorite actress, who was the role of a supermodel, made a 1500 calorie diet with cardio and lost 15 lbs! Oh! You say. You wonder what is cardio and calories are,and wonder how much you must weight. You decide to google it. You find out that cardio is a type of exercise, and that a calorie is the energy necessary to heat by 1°C one gram of water at pressure of one atmosphere. Wow! So much science involved! But then, you see, the less calories you eat, the more weight you lose! Amazing! I must know what my weight is, you see, if you didn’t already weight yourself constantly. A thing that’s worth mentioning is that no one “turns” anorexic from one day to another. For me, at least, I always saw anorexic as those skeletons who couldn’t do anything, I wasn’t at that point… But you overlook the fact, either because you don’t let yourself realize or because you don’t want to realize, that those girls too, thought they weren’t at THAT point. They just weren’t skinny enough to be anorexic, to be sick, to be called skinny, just not enough. For me this is the turning point. The point were you start to count calories is when you enter a realm of a dying corpse you perceive as beautiful, hooded by a perfect body, life and soul. You, then, start to weight yourself regularly, flinching every time you step on the scale, fearing more than anything that you had gained some weight. You exercise, not because is pleasant, but because you NEED to burn those calories you ate at lunch, you need to. You don’t realize it, but you become addicted to it, to counting those calories, to exercising, to weighting yourself… At this point, of course, you lie to everyone. Lie about how much you ate, about how much you exercise, about how you “hadn’t realized” you’d lost weight. People start to worry about you, but they don’t think you would become one of those anorexics, would you? No, you’re their friend, daughter, sibling, their girlfriend, you just wouldn’t do that. Your life becomes what I can only describe as a blur. You don’t see time pass, you don’t see thing happen, you just want to get skinnier. You don’t care about school, drama, your friends or your family. Your days are only and exclusively focused about losing weight, exercising, and seeing thinspo. Yeah, that’s the conjecture of thin + inspiration, everything you could’ve asked for! You, by the way, are addicted to thinspo, to consuming thinspo and trying to achieve that perfect body. Your days are just numbers: how many calories you’d eaten, how many you’d burned, how much you weighted. You wander and find out about others’ numbers too. How much does she weight? How many calories does she eat? How many calories are in those burgers, that broccoli, that donut? Your happiness could only come from seeing the number on the scale going down. You are afraid, you are disgusted by food, especially the fatty, junk foods. They are 100% forbidden, you know? Oh, that’s something else. Your list of fattening and forbidden food only grows, and you are really sure that you’re right, how could you eat that? Or even better, how could you eat at all? Pretty girls do not eat. You are actively afraid of food, and sometimes even water, that’s how bad you are. But you don’t listen to anyone. You don’t care, up don’t wanna care. You’re not even skinny, how can you be sick? You don’t see it, but you are addicted to loosing weight. You wanna see those numbers drop each time more, and more, and more. Your BMI becomes a competition with others, yours has to be the smallest! You want to get smaller, smaller, smaller. You want to get frail, to be so weak you can’t move. Then, you will see how skinny you are! Everyone will see how skinny you are! But no. You’re never skinny enough, never skinny, and never enough. Each time more, you try, but you’re never enough. You hear about those girls who “recovered”, but you can only imagine “How did they let themselves get so fat? They were so close…”. You can’t recover because you haven’t reached that point, you’re healthy! You’re not thin enough for treatment. You can’t see that you are slowly dying, you’re killing your self trying to reach something you’re never going to reach, because you are never, NEVER, good enough. You know only that life now, a life of fasting, hunger, self hate and disgrace. But you don’t se that. You see only yourself getting prettier, skinnier, and you become addicted to it. You always say you won’t get to that point. “It’s just a diet”, “I only skipped one meal”, “I just want to lose about ten pounds, that’s all”, “All I want is to get healthier”. You got to that point. Everything happened so fast! Things snowballed you into this, and you can’t find a way out, you don’t want to do it. You become addicted to it. Everyone says you’re too skinny, you should get some help. But no! You’re not skinny enough! Just a few more pounds and you will be ready, you will be perfect! You become addicted to it.

[twaaaaaa]

Update on athletics, goals and life in general

This post is long-winded, vulnerable and brutally honest. You’ve been warned.

So this season was a total bust.

I set out on the 2016-17 season with pretty clear goals: go less intense than last year, concentrate on just a few half-Ironmans and build up to an Iron in April at a pace that wouldn’t burn me out like what happened to me last year. Simple, right?

And then life got in the way.

For various reasons, I missed two half-Irons in the fall. (The first was a trade-off - cancel my vacation but take a promotion at work. The second was a missed flight.) No big deal, right? It’s a bit of missed momentum, but nothing that can’t be recovered from.

And then I just couldn’t bring myself to switch into Ironman mode. I couldn’t split my sleep schedule in two for three days a week, even though I was now working saner hours and regular weekends. I couldn’t wake up at 3:30 a.m. to run. I skipped the extra swimming sessions I promised myself I’d do. I didn’t feel that drive, that motivation, that hunger. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, but I was burnt out.

It’s a weird thing to admit to myself even now. In theory, I still love triathlons. The community is wonderful and they’re a huge part of my identity. Race days still excite me. But just like injuries in endurance sports, burnout builds up over time and with repetition. I just couldn’t do the grind anymore.

And the burnout wasn’t just athletic. Life was getting in the way too - there was massive anxiety over my job, which turned out to have a good cause. In April the company I work for laid off almost half its staff and offered the rest of us contracts that were tough to swallow - and then gave us three days to decide on them.

Going through the buildup to the contract decision day made me realize something else: I don’t really have a support system left in Abu Dhabi. It’s a consequence of expat churn in a country of 89% expats, and the social instability that comes with it. One of the major challenges of the place is rebuilding your friend group every six months or so when your friends move to new countries or emirates, or just cycle out of your social circle in general. All the people I was talking with about the career anxiety were already overseas or expecting to leave the UAE this year anyway.

The other source of emotional burnout was the relationship side of my life. Without going into too many whiny details, there were three women who came into my life, sequentially within a few short months who independently made me think that finally, I had found someone I really liked who would turn into the kind of relationship I’d been hoping for. After nearly three years of being single and mostly dateless. And so I invested a lot of time and energy into each one, only to have things fall apart with them for reasons beyond my control. One had mental health issues and took herself out of the dating pool entirely, one had physical health problems and too busy a schedule, and one just went from full-throttle to ghost in the span of a week.

One massive disappointment like that I can handle and recover from. But three in a row hit, plus the existential anxiety about my job me hard and sent me to a bad place for a while. That was at the end of my usual UAE racing season, and by that time my training was so bad that I had downgraded my hopes for the post-season race to a half-Ironman a month later than the Iron would have been, and then just nothing at all. I don’t want to use the word depression, because it hasn’t been diagnosed by a doctor, but it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and I just shut down for a little while. My nutrition lapsed and I lost too much weight, which for me makes for a downward spiral. My boss even pulled me aside and told me he was concerned about my performance at work.

The expat life ain’t all sunshine and roses, despite what my Facebook feed makes it look like.

I managed to pull myself out of that spiral with a vacation and a visit from my parents. Nothing makes you get out of bed and scramble to get your life looking like it’s together like the fear of disappointing your mother. After they left I realized I had to do something to keep myself from sinking back into that same rut.

It started with the nutrition. I started planning a week of meals at a time and prepping them on the weekends. I know how losing weight from poor nutrition affects the rest of my life, so that was the clearest first step to get out of this funk.

And then April came with the contracts. I was offered one but found it unpalatable. It took me literally until the final hour to decide whether to take it, though, because it’s been four and a half years since I came here and being an expat in Abu Dhabi has become part of my identity. I went through a lot of soul searching, which could be the subject of another long post, and had a few serious what-if discussions. But in the end, I realized that the terms of the new contract would just exacerbate the problems that led to the rut I’ve found myself in these past few months, and cut off the ways I’ve been able to cope with them.

So I turned it down. My contract expires June 30. And since UAE residence visas are tied to employment, I’ll most likely be leaving the country and probably heading back to the US.

There’s one other major thing that happened as part of the contract decision. (Warning: more relationship complaints ahead.) There’s a girl back in my hometown who is everything I want in a girl. I’d been harboring a massive crush on her for years - by far bigger than anything else I’ve felt since the last breakup - but never made a move because I lived overseas and she either had a long-term boyfriend (complete with a joint mortgage and two dogs) or had broken up with the boyfriend and was still reeling. Still, we talk almost every day, spent all the free time we could together when I visit home and I’d seen some encouraging signs from her. Hell, when my parents came to visit she got up at 5 a.m. to buy a box of fresh donuts and drop them off with my parents so they could bring them to me on the plane. And it would have been more than a year since they had broken up by the time I got back to the US in August if I turned the contract down. Plus, the Tampa-St. Pete area where she lives is one of the places I’d like to find a job in.

I didn’t hang my decision on what she said, but I’d be lying to myself if I said it wasn’t a factor I had to consider. So I asked her what she thought. Unfortunately through text and not voice - I tried, but she literally fell asleep on me as I was about to bring the topic up. Snored and everything. I asked her if she would want to give dating me a shot this summer if I were to turn down the contract.

And she said no. She wasn’t attracted to me, she never had been and those donuts were something she’d do for any friend. And I was such a close friend to her that she didn’t want to risk messing up the friendship.

It hurt. God, did it hurt.

And it led to more soul-searching. I’ve always struggled with being the guy that girls love to keep around as a friend, that gets told that any girl would be lucky to have him, but never gets seen as an actual relationship prospect. Meeting people through Tinder or other dating apps helps with that, as it frames me as a romantic prospect in the girl’s mind from the get-go, but even after a few dates I usually ultimately get the same speech: “You seem like a great guy and I want to keep you as a friend, but I’m not attracted to you that way.”

This is not Nice Guy whining. The problem is not with the girls and their attitudes towards me. The problem is me, and whatever it is that doesn’t get them to see as boyfriend material.

To be brutally honest, I think one of the main factors in that predicament is looks. Something I’ve also struggled with for a long time. I don’t remember the last time I got complimented on the way I look, but I know it’s been years. Years. And there aren’t a lot of simple ways I can improve them anymore. I dress in clean, styled, well-tailored clothes. I have a haircut that I’m finally happy with and I keep current with my grooming. I even had Lasik, which got rid of the glasses and the tired eyes from contacts. Effort has certainly been made. And I don’t consider myself ugly - just not attractive.

But I’m still skinny, as is pointed out to me so many times per week. That’s what happens when most of the calories you consume are burnt up in long-distance endurance training and racing. And it’s been brought up as a factor in dating rejections. “I could never date a guy who weighs less than I do” is something I’ve heard a few times. The one that echoes, though, is from a fellow triathlete: “You don’t look athletic enough for me to be attracted to you. Now tell me how your Ironman went.”

The thing is, in long-distance running and cycling skinny means fast. It’s all about the power-to-weight ratio, and though I may not have much power I have even less weight, which makes me sleek and speedy, especially in the hot, flat places I race. That’s what I’ve tuned my body for over the past decade. God, it’ll be 11 years this weekend since I started riding seriously. And I’ve been skinny my entire life before that. Sure, I have leg muscles from all the cycling and running, but that doesn’t count for much.

And yeah, it’s shallow. But I’m in my 20s, where dating and relationships are still heavily influenced by looks and shallow aspects and everything else you notice on first and second impressions. I really do think that the combination of unassuming looks, introversion, aversion to drugs/alcohol and genial personality tip the balance toward the benign “he could be a great, caring friend” side of the scale as opposed to the “he could be a hot, loving boyfriend” side. But what would that scale look like if my looks went from unassuming to “wow, he’s hot.”

So let’s review where I’m at right now:

Dissatisfied with life. Possibly mildly depressed.

Burnt out from endurance training but still love the sport.

At a transition stage in life for the next six months. Belongings like sports equipment and clothing will be discarded or packed, and housing may change a few times.

Likely moving to an area where racing happens in the summer, not the winter like it does here.

Which means an awkward summer and fall where my normal endurance training is at a trough and everyone else is at their peak.

Likely moving to a new area, which means a whole different set of friends and potential dates.

Nutrition is actively managed with weekly prep sessions.

Solution to one of the main stressors likely involves changing myself physically, in a way I haven’t been able to because of endurance training.

Need a change.

Take all these factors together, stir them up and bake them for a few weeks of overthinking while on vacation and you get this:

Time to hit the gym.

For the past month I’ve been going down to my apartment’s gym three times a week and following the Starting Strength full-body routine. I haven’t ridden a bike or run or swam since February, apart from one crazy mountain bike race I did in Poland a few weeks ago. I’ve taught myself the basic lifts using Youtube and taking advice from a few friends who know about these things, and apart from that I’ve told almost nobody. I don’t intend to talk about it on Facebook either. I want to see who notices when I start to gain.

Because make no mistake, upper-body hypertrophy is the main goal here. There will be other benefits that hopefully will help in the long run, but first and foremost I want my shirts to not fit anymore. I want to stop poking extra holes in my watch bands. I want to catch people checking me out in the grocery store. I want to feel confident taking my shirt off at the beach or pool. I want to smile at myself in the half-length mirror in the morning.

I want people to think I’m hot. I want people to tell me I’m hot. I want to think I’m hot.

This doesn’t mean I’m taking up competitive bodybuilding or lifting. The long-term goal is still endurance sports. This move from cardio to the gym will last until winter, when it’ll be time for base miles and the start of the next (northern hemisphere) racing season. The goal is to be at the right weight and muscle mass by then, and then I’d focus on maintaining the gains while rebuilding endurance.

The gym should help in a few other ways. Having a stronger upper body will mean a much stronger swim, which has always been my weakest event. The core strength I’m looking to develop should help on longer bikes and runs. And I’m still working out my legs (even adding rotations on the leg machines, because my upper body can’t bear enough squatting weight to tire out my leg muscles yet), so the added strength there should help with technique stabilization and injury prevention.

This does mean I’ll lose cardio endurance, so I think realistically I’ll have to take a year or so to build up to half-Iron strength again, and two years to Iron strength. But my body knows what it’s like to have that much endurance already, and regaining is always easier than gaining for the first time.

Nutrition-wise, I’m ramping up the calories and shifting from a carb-based goal to a protein-based goal. I still have to drink my weight-gainer protein shake after I finish typing this up. My weight still fluctuates and I’m not always perfect in following my nutrition plan, but I’ve still weighed more this month than I ever have before. From age 16 until March my weight stayed mostly between 127 and 133 pounds, sometimes getting as high as 136. This month I hit 139 - so, so, close to the 140 mark. It’s down to 136.5 again now, but I hope to hit 140 on at least one day next month.

The gym focus also means I’ll be able to train consistently even as I move homes and do God-knows-what with my bikes and equipment. It’ll be good to have that kind of stability, even if I have to switch to bodyweight exercises for a bit.

It’s also refreshing to go back to the novice level. I’ve never gone consistently to the gym before, so I’ve had to teach myself everything. I had to figure out what my weight limits were, what exercises to do, what program to follow and even how to work some of the machines. I haven’t had to learn anything new in triathlon for years, by comparison. And I’m already making small gains.

I went to a triathlon team meeting for the first time in a while this weekend and opened up about the gym focus (though now all the reasons behind it). They were supportive and a few said I looked a little bigger - though that may have just been my clothing choice that day.

I’ll likely be leaving the UAE for good in July or August. It’s the middle of May now, which gives me about two months to gain enough to make an impression on those who last saw me in December. And six months until November kicks off the training season for 2018. This is new territory for me, so I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to grow by then.

But I know that I will be growing. I’ll be moving forward towards my goals.

And for endurance sports as well as life, momentum is a good thing.

(If you came here through Facebook, please don’t mention the relationship, job loss, country switching or gym focus on the comments about the post. I’m not keeping it a total secret, but I don’t want to broadcast it to the public yet.)

[samanthasroberts]

10 Ways A Month Without Alcohol Gave Me A Lifetime Of Healthy Habits

I always tell myself, “Drinking alcohol borrows joy from tomorrow.”

I once was a social drinker.

What started as a 30-day no alcohol challenge turned into a permanent lifestyle change.

People often ask me how I changed physically, mentally and emotionally after quitting drinking.

So, I thought Id share my story.

For many years, Id enjoy a few quiet beers during the week and go harder most weekends.

There would be a good buzz, and Id get drunk.

It was part of being Australian (or so I thought).

But, Id often fall into destructive habits after 1 am, including cigarettes, late-night pizza and more beer.

The rest of the weekend was a write-off.

Over time, I started to feel just blah.

I was surviving, not thriving.

By March 2010, I was sitting in International House Of Pancakes (IHOP) in Austin, Texas for a Hangover Breakfast.

I was staring at the menu bold colors of greasy food and looking at everyone going wild over the unlimited pancakes with every sugar-laden topping imaginable.

At that moment, I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

That inner voice was saying, James, make a change.

So, I decided to take a 30-day break from alcohol as an experiment.

Here are the things that happened:

1. The first seven days were tough.

My liver had a hard time flushing out the toxins from alcohol and the bad food I had consumed while drunk (late night burgers, fries and pizza).

So, I ate soups rich in greens with anti-inflammatory spices like turmeric and ginger.

2. I was challenged.

Many people particularly guys were incredulous about my lifestyle choice.

At first, it bothered me, which made it that much worse.

Some friends even tried to slip vodka in my soda.

3. Acceptance came eventually.

When I got challenged by friends, I eventually learned to laugh, point to my head and give my stock response, Im too strong in mind!

Once I accepted my choice and owned my stock response about not drinking, my friends and family accepted it.

I recently met up with childhood friends who were always big drinkers growing up.

They were totally cool with me not drinking, and they suggested we go out for dinner instead.

4. I slept like a baby.

Studies show that even a small amount of alcohol messes with your sleep.

I was now getting the initial REM sleep you normally miss when you drink alcohol.

I started wearing blue-light blocking glassesto get to sleep faster.

I woke rejuvenated, not tired and cranky like before.

5. I lost weight.

Alcohol slows your metabolism, as the body breaks down alcohol before the fats and sugars.

A pint of beer has around the same amount of calories as a slice of pizza.

After 30 days, Id lost an incredible 15 pounds.

This is likely due to three main things:

1. Alcohol contains a lot of empty calories.

2. Drinking makes you eat a lot more food, especially junk like fries and desserts.

3. Quitting drinking gives you the energy to be more active.

My skin was glowing because the alcohol poison had left my system.

“Wow, have you been working out?” people asked in astonishment.

I wasn’t.

It was just from not drinking alcohol, eating mindfully and sleeping better.

6. I celebrated differently.

Before quitting drinking, Id always celebrate a big win like a job promotion or product launch with drinks.

Now, Ill just have a nice meal or take time out from my busy schedule to go for a nature hike.

But, I can still party like a rock star.

Despite not drinking, I still manage to have wildly entertaining nights out, even with my drunken friends slurring their words around me.

7. My perception shifted.

I gave up social drinking to achieve bigger goals and tap into my potential.

I replaced drinking with jogging.

This changed how I ate, worked, slept and saved money.

In “The Power of Habit,” Charles Duhigg explains that one set of neurological patterns (old habits) can be overridden by new patterns.

By focusing on one keystone habit(not drinking), I taught myself how to reprogram other routines in my life.

I was no longer going out with $120 in my wallet and waking up with $2.

I was no longer sleeping all weekend.

I was naturally waking up earlier and taking charge of my life.

8. After six months, there was a noticeable shift.

I felt so terrific after 30 days, and I thought, Bugger it, keep going.

The relationships in my life became so much better.

I started attracting a higher caliber of friends and met incredibly beautiful, smart women I could be myself with.

Drunkenness never got me the girl of my dreams.

Plus, sobersex is way better.

9. I was still tested.

One year later, I was back in Austin, Texas.

I ordered a beer to celebrate one year of not drinking. I put the beer to my mouth.

It smelt amazing. I wanted to drink it.

But, I thought of how far Id come.

I was still the life of the party, and no one thought I was boring.

Id achieved my childhood dream of hosting SportsCenter on ESPN.

The stars were aligning in my life because of one simple change: a 30-day break from alcohol.

10. I started to help others.

I was more considerate, and I started thinking about how I could help my friends, rather than how they could help me.

I started mentoring more people who showed potential and hustle.

Ive helped thousands of people reflect on their drinking patterns through the 30-Day No Alcohol Challenge.

I feel better, look better, work better, act better, am better, have more money, have better quality friends and dont miss alcohol.

Water, ice and a piece of lime is perfect for me.

I can still party like a rock star without alcohol, and long-term friends say Im considerably nicer and more agreeable.

It is sometimes awkward explaining to new friends or business associates why I dont drink.

But that initial awkwardness is mostly felt by them, and it soon dissipates if I dont make it an issue.

Plus, I cant control how they feel.

Although I took drastic measures, my story shows some of the positive benefits of quitting alcohol, even for a month.

Feel better, look better, lose weight, save money and have better relationships.

Now, thats a cocktail.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/10-ways-a-month-without-alcohol-gave-me-a-lifetime-of-healthy-habits/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/20/10-ways-a-month-without-alcohol-gave-me-a-lifetime-of-healthy-habits/

[allofbeercom]

10 Ways A Month Without Alcohol Gave Me A Lifetime Of Healthy Habits

I always tell myself, “Drinking alcohol borrows joy from tomorrow.”

I once was a social drinker.

What started as a 30-day no alcohol challenge turned into a permanent lifestyle change.

People often ask me how I changed physically, mentally and emotionally after quitting drinking.

So, I thought Id share my story.

For many years, Id enjoy a few quiet beers during the week and go harder most weekends.

There would be a good buzz, and Id get drunk.

It was part of being Australian (or so I thought).

But, Id often fall into destructive habits after 1 am, including cigarettes, late-night pizza and more beer.

The rest of the weekend was a write-off.

Over time, I started to feel just blah.

I was surviving, not thriving.

By March 2010, I was sitting in International House Of Pancakes (IHOP) in Austin, Texas for a Hangover Breakfast.

I was staring at the menu bold colors of greasy food and looking at everyone going wild over the unlimited pancakes with every sugar-laden topping imaginable.

At that moment, I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

That inner voice was saying, James, make a change.

So, I decided to take a 30-day break from alcohol as an experiment.

Here are the things that happened:

1. The first seven days were tough.

My liver had a hard time flushing out the toxins from alcohol and the bad food I had consumed while drunk (late night burgers, fries and pizza).

So, I ate soups rich in greens with anti-inflammatory spices like turmeric and ginger.

2. I was challenged.

Many people particularly guys were incredulous about my lifestyle choice.

At first, it bothered me, which made it that much worse.

Some friends even tried to slip vodka in my soda.

3. Acceptance came eventually.

When I got challenged by friends, I eventually learned to laugh, point to my head and give my stock response, Im too strong in mind!

Once I accepted my choice and owned my stock response about not drinking, my friends and family accepted it.

I recently met up with childhood friends who were always big drinkers growing up.

They were totally cool with me not drinking, and they suggested we go out for dinner instead.

4. I slept like a baby.

Studies show that even a small amount of alcohol messes with your sleep.

I was now getting the initial REM sleep you normally miss when you drink alcohol.

I started wearing blue-light blocking glassesto get to sleep faster.

I woke rejuvenated, not tired and cranky like before.

5. I lost weight.

Alcohol slows your metabolism, as the body breaks down alcohol before the fats and sugars.

A pint of beer has around the same amount of calories as a slice of pizza.

After 30 days, Id lost an incredible 15 pounds.

This is likely due to three main things:

1. Alcohol contains a lot of empty calories.

2. Drinking makes you eat a lot more food, especially junk like fries and desserts.

3. Quitting drinking gives you the energy to be more active.

My skin was glowing because the alcohol poison had left my system.

“Wow, have you been working out?” people asked in astonishment.

I wasn’t.

It was just from not drinking alcohol, eating mindfully and sleeping better.

6. I celebrated differently.

Before quitting drinking, Id always celebrate a big win like a job promotion or product launch with drinks.

Now, Ill just have a nice meal or take time out from my busy schedule to go for a nature hike.

But, I can still party like a rock star.

Despite not drinking, I still manage to have wildly entertaining nights out, even with my drunken friends slurring their words around me.

7. My perception shifted.

I gave up social drinking to achieve bigger goals and tap into my potential.

I replaced drinking with jogging.

This changed how I ate, worked, slept and saved money.

In “The Power of Habit,” Charles Duhigg explains that one set of neurological patterns (old habits) can be overridden by new patterns.

By focusing on one keystone habit(not drinking), I taught myself how to reprogram other routines in my life.

I was no longer going out with $120 in my wallet and waking up with $2.

I was no longer sleeping all weekend.

I was naturally waking up earlier and taking charge of my life.

8. After six months, there was a noticeable shift.

I felt so terrific after 30 days, and I thought, Bugger it, keep going.

The relationships in my life became so much better.

I started attracting a higher caliber of friends and met incredibly beautiful, smart women I could be myself with.

Drunkenness never got me the girl of my dreams.

Plus, sobersex is way better.

9. I was still tested.

One year later, I was back in Austin, Texas.

I ordered a beer to celebrate one year of not drinking. I put the beer to my mouth.

It smelt amazing. I wanted to drink it.

But, I thought of how far Id come.

I was still the life of the party, and no one thought I was boring.

Id achieved my childhood dream of hosting SportsCenter on ESPN.

The stars were aligning in my life because of one simple change: a 30-day break from alcohol.

10. I started to help others.

I was more considerate, and I started thinking about how I could help my friends, rather than how they could help me.

I started mentoring more people who showed potential and hustle.

Ive helped thousands of people reflect on their drinking patterns through the 30-Day No Alcohol Challenge.

I feel better, look better, work better, act better, am better, have more money, have better quality friends and dont miss alcohol.

Water, ice and a piece of lime is perfect for me.

I can still party like a rock star without alcohol, and long-term friends say Im considerably nicer and more agreeable.

It is sometimes awkward explaining to new friends or business associates why I dont drink.

But that initial awkwardness is mostly felt by them, and it soon dissipates if I dont make it an issue.

Plus, I cant control how they feel.

Although I took drastic measures, my story shows some of the positive benefits of quitting alcohol, even for a month.

Feel better, look better, lose weight, save money and have better relationships.

Now, thats a cocktail.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/10-ways-a-month-without-alcohol-gave-me-a-lifetime-of-healthy-habits/

[themediaandeatingdisorders-blog]

My Story

    As you all know, my blog is about figuring out whether or not the portrayal of women in the media affects women and eating disorders. I’m going to be sharing my own story, explaining some situations I’ve encountered in middle to high school as well as talking about things I’ve noticed in the media and how it has affected me personally.

      During middle school I lived In a small town in New Jersey, and went to a school that wasn’t in a diverse (or accepting) area. You’d think that in middle school kids are more focused on getting their work done so they could enjoy the sunny warm air outside as soon as they got home from school, but my experience seemed to be more different than I ever thought it would be. My school was filled with extremely thin girls, who were all white and mostly blond. Now, I was never fat in middle school but I was on the curvier side in middle school which started to make me feel like an outcast. I started cheer  and had noticed that girls began making fun of me because of my weight, as well as the food I was eating.  I had become so self conscious with my weight that I became extremely insecure with my body and never felt like I was good enough. Middle school is also when every girl became obsessed with brand named clothing and having the latest vera Bradley bag, and anyone who wasn’t apart of that or didn’t meet their “Skinny” standards wasn’t ever accepted, and was often bullied. I was that girl that got bullied and I was that girl that wasn’t ever accepted by my peers.  I was also that girl that realized that something was seriously wrong with these people, and the environment that I was in. But 5th grade, WOW. It’s shocking to think that this is when body image had become an issue. There definitely were some other situations of which I was in, in about 4th and even 2nd grade that I had started becoming insecure about my appearance, however 5th grade is when I really started to think about these things, and when it genuinely got to me and became a problem. In middle school I would get home and watch Disney channel right after I got home from school and I had realized that all of the girls on TV had looked the same. Mostly  thin white women were presented in the media. So as a young girl, going to a school where being super skinny was the way to be accepted, and then coming home watching TV and seeing my favorite TV stars being super skinny (which is what I thought meant beautiful because they were skinny) really made me start questioning myself, and why I was so different than all of the girls I was around and seeing on TV. During this time I must add that the popular Disney show “That’s so Raven” became my new favorite thing to watch. It was different, and it was almost like a breath of fresh air. It was a breath of fresh air in the sense that the main character in “That’s so Raven” was a black female, who also had a curvy body type. The cast of the show was also diverse which is also what helped me feel more comfortable with myself . Looking back on this now, I’m thinking of the recent documentary I made a post about called “Dying to be Thin”, And how the statement that peoples idea of  beauty is what they are surrounded by and what they see every single day, is in fact true. For me, this idea of beauty/ what I was constantly exposed to was super thin white girls.

      Now here comes high school. My Freshman year of high school I was still going to the school in that small town, and peoples standards of beauty  were no different. If you were skinny, white, and had the latest brand named clothing you were accepted and if not, then not so much. My insecurities my freshman year were at a ultimate high, and all I wanted to do was feel comfortable with myself and fit in.  This started by me looking up ways to suppress my appetite, me looking up diets and different dieting tips, then restricting , and then me learning about tricks models used to used to make their stomach full and lose a significant amount of weight in a short period of time. After this came me trying to make myself throw up after the small amount of calories I was consuming every single day. I felt weak constantly, I became angry and was always in a bad mood which meant me flipping out at my dad when he tried to bring me dinner. As the pounds came off, in school girls started coming up to me saying “oh my gosh lily you got so skinny you look so good” and “did you lose weight you look amazing” and lastly the comment that pushed me over the edge was “you look so amazing, keep going”. Now repeating that last comment “you look so amazing, KEEEP GOING”. That is what had become a breaking point for me. In the beginning I was like great, I’m finally being accepted and I finally feel pretty. But then when I was told to keep going, I realized that something was seriously wrong and that I had already lost so much weight and had gotten so thin and why wasn’t that enough for them? I went to visit my mom one weekend and she told me I got way to skinny and that my pants were really baggy and nearly falling off. The look of concern was all over my mothers face and she looked me up and down with that “what in the world was going on with my child” expression. Although my mother expressed her concern, I still replayed what that one girl had said to me over and over again in my head. I took her word for It (to “keep going”)  but then started binge eating when I got home from being absolutely starving, and then hating myself for it afterwards. I would constantly torture myself by looking at photos of skinny girls, and pictures that would have writing on them promoting starvation and how skinny is beautiful. There was even a point where I had found tips from other girls who helped each other and gave tips on suppressing their appetites and certain techniques in case you got hungry, and had also set up very unhealthy “meal plans” that pretty much consisted of a few crackers, a veggie, and lots and lots of water.  My grades in school had dropped significantly because losing weight had become my life and my sole focus. Towards the end of the year I thought about how unhappy I was and I told myself that the environment I was in was not somewhere I had wanted to be. I felt like I was trapped in a place that was constantly bringing me into this pit of darkness and long story short I had talked to my dad and decided I wanted to move with my mother, go to a different school, and focus on my health and happiness.

             Going to a different school and being in a different environment really helped me feel more comfortable with myself, and made me realize that beauty is within the eye of the beholder. The high school I went to (which I absolutely fell in love with) was extremely diverse and celebrated/ welcomed every race and ethnicity and also made me realize that a persons body is not what defines beauty. There were beautiful women who were all shapes, sizes, and colors, and being surrounded by something like that was eye opening and the beginning of my personal journey to health and happiness. Although there was a few bumps along the road, and I catch myself struggling with certain things today I can confidently say that when it comes to body image, where I am today is much better than where I used to be.

       Reflecting on my past, and taking into account the different people and situations, I have realized one thing. This realization being:  those girls in middle school and freshman year of high school were bullies and cared so much about appearance not only had a lot to do with their inner insecurities and conflicts, but because of what they were constantly exposed to. I believe that the media could’ve played a role in their lives as well (more so television) because mostly everyone looked the same, and wore the same things. This just goes to show that there are so many outside influences that can affect a persons body image and what they think is the so called ideal body. My personal journey and experiences have made me think a lot about outside influencing factors, and how much of a role they play into body image. I know that the media has affected me personally, but I am excited and eager to do more research and see if other people have experienced the same or what their views on my research question are.