#listen buddy. we are not winning shit when it comes to voting. we are winning fuckall when it comes to popularity contests as well

[dhmis-autism]

I want duck or even yellow guy to beat red in a “who’s the best one” poll at least once like come on they deserve some love too

anon that is such a sweet thought. that is NEVER happening tho like be real for five minutes. your naivete can only be cute for so long…. RGs fans are bigger in number, stamina AND sheer voracity they would level our towns,soldier………

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, y'all. Time to do this one more time. Let the fact that there are so many of these posts right now reinforce the point. Many of you already know this, and I see and love you, but for anyone still ~undecided about their choice, should they be an American citizen of voting age on November 3, 2020:

Time to not be. It was time a long, long while ago, but I am going to have to say it again.

Primary season is over. The endless fine-tooth combing of candidates' policies and positions is over. We are all deeply well aware that the candidates on the Democratic ticket, being human beings and establishment politicians, are flawed. "BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS POSITION FROM 19/ 20-WHENEVER AS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY IT'S TERRIBLE TO VOTE FOR -- "

No. Stop. Just stop. Stop threatening to hold the rest of us hostage, in the middle of a pandemic, the Great Depression, and racial inequality and protests on a scale not seen from the 1960s, because you did not get Barbie Dream Candidate. That is the behavior of terrorists and toddlers. If your supposedly enlightened morally pure ideology does not involve any action to mitigate the harm that is directly in front of you, it isn't worth a shit as an ideology actually devoted to helping people. If your approach to politics is to shout about how Pure your ideas are on twitter and tear down anyone working within a system of flawed choices to do the good that they can: you're not helping, and frankly, your constant threats to withhold your suffrage as a punishment to us aren't convincing the rest of us that we really need to listen to you or that you have anyone's best interests at heart. The Online Left TM is as much a vacuous, self-reinforcing noise chamber as the Online Right TM, and can sometimes tend to be even more dangerous.

I was saying this in 2016. A lot of us were saying this in 2016. I am just about to turn 32 years old and have been voting in federal elections for almost 15 years. For what it's worth.

This is not an ordinary election. This is not a contest between two flawed candidates who respect the system and want to work to enact their policies in the ordinary way. One is a flawed 90s era Democrat who nonetheless has already been pushed CONSIDERABLY left in his policies and platforms since the end of the primaries (and his existing platform would already make him the most left president elected, even more than Obama). The other is a fascist dictator who has openly spoken about refusing to accept the election results, his desire to abolish term limits and serve for life, and complete the pillaging of any remaining fragile American public funds for him and his cult of cronies. He does not respect the system. He does not want to do anything for anyone that is not himself. 160,000 and counting needless deaths of American citizens have already happened. Will keep happening.

This is the last time Trump has to face voters. This is the last chance the country has to repudiate his entire poisonous ideology and its marching Nazi minions. IF he steps aside, which is already far from guaranteed, he can ride off into the sunset as a vindicated two term president and probably be rehabilitated like George W. Bush was within a few years of leaving office. American political memory is very short. It will happen. Again, if he even leaves.

RBG is 87 and has cancer again. She will NOT survive another four years. Stephen Breyer is 81. Their seats could both come up in the next four years. The Supreme Court could be a right wing rubber stamp for whatever time we all have left before climate change and coronavirus kill us all.

"But if people just thought for themselves and did their homework and didn't vote the party line like sheep, we could support a third party/write in -- " Stop. Just stop. Attend a ninth grade civics class and learn about how politics work in America. Yes, the two-party system sucks. Yes, the Electoral College is a hot steaming pile of absolute bullshit. Magical unicorn fairy dust fantasies WILL NOT change that.

Do not vote for Kanye (who has pretty much openly admitted he is trying to play spoiler to Biden on behalf of his buddy Trump). Do not vote for godforsaken fucking Gary Johnson or Jill Stein who appear on ballots just to give sanctimonious leftists the illusion of virtue-signaling. If you want any chance of fixing the mess that 2020 has left America and the world in, you need to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. The end.

Biden is a flawed old man who was our last choice, sure. He is also a distinguished public servant who has already been in the White House for eight years under Obama and thus we KNOW what to expect. He is an empathetic man who connects with people's personal tragedy and picked as his running mate a younger Black/biracial woman who directly confronted and called him out on past behavior. While the pundit class was simpering and whining about how it was Disrespectful and how could he consider her, Biden did so, and that speaks well to me of the fact that he is willing to learn, to take criticism, and not just accept it from a former Black female rival, but make her his second in command and the potential first female president of the United States.

Can you EVER picture Trump doing that? Not in eight thousand million years.

As for Kamala, we are all aware of her previous checkered history as a prosecutor (and even then, she did plenty of good things as well!). Since joining the Senate, however, she has consistently become one of its most progressive members. She is the co-sponsor of an economic aid package designed to give every American $2,000/month, backdated to March (the start of the coronavirus pandemic) and continuing at least a few months after its end. A Biden-Harris White House could make that happen. Especially if they are put into office with a Democratic House and Senate (for the love of God, Kentucky, kill Mitch McConnell with fire). That is just one example.

Harris's nomination is obviously historic. And Biden didn't choose another Biden (or another Tim Kaine, the blandest white man imaginable). He chose another Obama: a younger rising star of an immigrant background, a person of color, a former lawyer and someone who represents the diversity of the country that the white supremacists and the Cheeto in Chief have tried to paint as its worst and most degenerate evil.

A vote for Biden and Harris means getting rid not just of Trump, but Mike Pence, Vladimir Putin, Jared Kushner, Betsy Devos, the Trump crony destroying the Postal Service, the rampant coronavirus misinformation and bullshit, the destruction of Social Security and Medicare, the spread of Nazi propaganda from the President's twitter account, the likely two Supreme Court picks that would be as bad as Brett Kavanaugh or worse... on and on. Biden and Harris would be elected by progressive voters and thus answerable to them in 2022 midterms and 2024 general. They can both be, and already have been, pushed further left. They are reasonable and competent adults who have demonstrated experience and compassion. I KNOW about their flaws and past actions I don't agree with. But I'm frankly done with any more counterproductive straw man bitching about This One Bad Thing They Did and how it makes it a terribad awful choice to vote for them. Open your eyes. Look at the alternative. LOOK AT WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT EVEN AS BAD AS IT COULD STILL GET.

Check your registration or register at vote.gov.

DO NOT LOOK AT POLLS AND DECIDE "EH BIDEN IS CLEARLY GOING TO WIN, I DON'T NEED TO VOTE." THAT IS HOW WE LOST LAST TIME.

Unseating incumbents is HARD. It is even harder when the other side has openly laid out their plan to cheat in great detail, and there is nothing really stopping them from doing it. The only thing, in fact, is massive, unfalsifiable results on an undeniable scale.

So:

Vote.

Vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

Thanks a lot.

[polar534]

Hockey AU

Hi! I wrote an AU... that's not really an AU. Just a bunch of things and scenarios I think would happen in the future for Lumity revolving around one central idea:

Amity in a hockey jersey. (The Feral Brain though that started it all)

Sooooooooooo. Here we go. This first post is mostly about the Hockey Portion of the AU but like I said, it's ended up being alot of different scenarios. It is equally a (short term) future AU as it is a sport AU. I do eventually plan on making all of this into a chapter by chapter fic on Ao3, but if this gets some good reception I'll keep posting updates on here. I've already got multiple scenarios summarized and 4 fully written chapters.

ok but enough of that. Here goes:

Facts and World Building:

- This is about a year and half after the events of the show. (The girls be about 15-16)

- These girls are just dating. There's no drama. They are incredibly happy together. Which they deserve.

- Amity and Luz are living in the human world with Camilla.

- They spend weekends with Eda at the palace.

- Lilith and Eda are currently trying to restructure the entire Boiling Isles coven system. They have overthrown and taken down Belos and the Clawethorn sisters were named to lead in his stead. To the majority of The Owl Fam's surprise.

- Luz and Amity help them in their free time going around and helping everyone adjust and heal from the tyrants rule.

- The portal remains in the castle under protection. The Owl Fam and friends of The Owl Fam are welcome to use it, but any others must go through Luz. (Eda's decree)

- They attend Hexside during the day and homeschool themselves on human subjects before they go to bed.

Hockey Overview:

- Firstly. Amity's team is called the Otter's. She specifically chose that team because she knew the name would make Luz happy.

- Secondly. The entire team adores Luz. She's at almost every practice and is there for every game. So although she's useless on the ice, she is just considered a member of the team.

- Thirdly. Amity is extremely careful to stay within the rules of the game, but she doesn't hold back. Her role on the team is mostly defense. Her job (which she mostly assigned herself) is to keep the path clear for her teammate with the puck. If that means absolutely bodying anyone who comes near, then she does just that. (I mean, let's be honest she played heavy support in the grudgeby match we saw her participate in.) Amity has to really struggle with keeping her competitive/perfectionist side under control and not wrestling the puck away from the strikers every chance she sees an opening that others don't. It's a left over from her time playing Grudgeby.

- Fourthly and most importantly: Amity has tried to teach Luz to skate. Many times. Luz cannot skate. Luz cannot even operate on ice. If she is on the ice, she is clinging to Amity.

Summary/Timeline Thingy (under a read more cut because... oh my god I have a problem):

At first when Luz starts going (purely because she wants to support Amity), she's pretty silent. Just working on either school work, her glyphs or making a meal plan for both Eda and her mother because both are too busy/crazy to seem to take care of themselves. The team doesn't mind, and finds it pretty sweet actually. Especially when Luz will randomly look up and compliment one of them on a shot. Or how the girl seems to just stop mid-work to stare transfixed as the new blood is practicing.

Now that's just cute. Nobody can deny that.

Or that the newbie completely changes demeanor from stone cold and calculating to absolutely flustered and soft as soon as her girlfriend slides clumsily onto the ice to greet her at breaks and after practice.

Also. Cute.

All that slowly changes though because Luz is like... SUPER excited about Amity being on a sports team. Especially Hockey. She stays mostly quiet during practice because this is Amity's thing and she wants to respect that, but as soon as they get off the rink together Luz is excitedly discussing new plays and strategies or the best ways to hit the other players so they stay down longer. It's Amity's favorite way to wind down after practice. She's usually too tired to keep up with Luz's energy but she listens and relaxes into just how excited her girlfriend is.

Amity always takes into account her girlfriend's post practice discussions and will often put them into play at the next practice or game. It's extremely noticeable. Despite being new to the sport, and frankly seemingly still surprised by alot of "normal" customs and rules, Amity is getting really good. Not only is she skilled and strong but she's also catching on to strategies and plays that even the coach doesn't seem to always get. (Rec league because official coaches and team games sound boring honestly)

She starts to get approached by her teammates, asking her for advice or tips. While she can answer some of them, she normally just yells up at Luz (sitting on the bleachers) out of nowhere asking for her opinon, to which Luz somehow always has an immediate response prepared. Most often not even looking up from whatever she was doing to answer it.

Whenever someone asks her about they know so much about sports. Amity usually shrugs and just replies, "We're a team." Sometimes with a quip about how Luz makes them watch too many movies or something about Azura. That's when the team starts approaching Luz equally about stuff, and insist she start sitting on the sidelines with the team rather then the bleachers. Whenever they ask Luz why her and Amity know so much, Luz just gets a huge shit eating grin and waves her hands in front of her face as she says: "It's magic~".

Since keeping Amity's witchiness a secret is one of their biggest priorities, this always makes Amity really nervous. Not to mention she knows Luz is also referring to their relationship as magic which makes her get immediately flustered as well.

Its a win-win for Noceda. She gets to have fun with a secret only they know, and gush about Amity at the same time.

Soon enough, while Luz never actually goes out onto the ice, she's just a part of the team. Amity gets voted team captain, much to the current team captain's relief and while Amity keeps a monitor as to how her team is doing on the ice, Luz keeps a monitor as to how their plays are doing from the sidelines. They work together to switch members out at perfect moments and the Otter's go from a very basic team to being one of the top teams of the area.

Random Facts (read: I have no category for this stuff but it's important):

- Luz will often steal Amity's jersey, because its really baggy and comfortable and because it's Amity's. Amity has a STRUGGLE every time it happens. 1. It's way too cute. And 2. "Luz, I need that." "You going to come and take it Blight?"

- Regardless of how bad she is on the ice, Luz is really good with the hockey stick and surprisingly accurate with her shots. Her and Amity will often practice together in a field, and, when they're sure no one's watching/visiting Eda, they'll add their own magical twist to the game and have a 1v1 witches hockey duel.

- Luz loves it when Amity checks the shit out of players on the ice. She is one of THOSE hockey fans. And her girlfriend is brutal.

- King and Amity have a really good relationship in Hockey AU. They are both vent buddies. While Amity is in much healthier place and doesn't put as much pressure on herself anymore, she still gets easily frustrated. King, being the little dude he is, is also easily frustrated. Every week they get together for a vent session in which they chill out and watch a stupid movie in the background and complain about it to get the night going. It always ends up that they pause the movie before it's over because they're too busy going off about other things bothering them.

- Lilith and Eda share mentoring roles for both girls. It's not an, Eda for purely Luz and Lilith for purely Amity situation.

- Camilla is incredibly proud of her two girls and is incredibly supportive as well... but she can no longer go to any games or practices. The first time Amity got hard checked by an opposing player during a game, Camilla nearly stopped the entire match demanding she go down and look her over and make sure she didn't have any injuries. When Luz and Amity approached her that night, after she was asked to leave the game, she was grateful for the excuse. "You know I love and support you both, but I cannot watch... that. With good conscious. You'll just have to make sure you come to me if you're actually hurt. Ok?" She'll still come to Amity's big games, despite her anxiety.

- Amity has a scar from an injury she received in her first season's Semi-Final game. (I have ALOT of notes on this... it is one of the 'scenarios' I listed at the top.)

[thecrenellations]

Return of the Thief Notes, Part Three: The Book of Pheris, Volume 2, Chapters 6-14 and “Alyta’s Missing Earring”

Notes from my first read, October 2020. (Part One | Part Two | TaT)

Contents:  Elephants, guesses about gods and dead men, villain team up, the unexpected, AAAAAAH, elaboration on the word cloud above (which is one big Gen, medium Pheris, medium love, and scattered other names), and more quantitative analysis! I love this book.

Format:  Page number. My thoughts (Context?)

Chapter 6

285. unkingly moment, last night with her at home

MISMATCHED STOCKINGS (I have a thing about this.)

Wedges of ribbons?

285. cute

286. a pitneen? A drunk bird?

Wait. Gift of animals??? Did he steal the thunderbolts wearing it?

A canary no longer

287. Hilarion and Ion, wow

Throw a cup of wine on me

288. War pants! War pants!

What’s Attolia wearing?

Sophos! (the whistling!)

288. Ok fine it’s gonna be sad ... I say as if I didn’t just experience the trial (the last lighthearted moment)

Pepper!

Be careful Pheris

Also Relius went to Dite and Juridius, right? (I was convinced Dite would show up)

Sinerine!

290. SOCKS! Yay <3 magus

I was resigned to not much magus but he is HERE!

He’s … so much nicer than he was to the kids in the Thief, lol

A CART!

Lamb, falling in same paragraph. Worried.

Gen :( Gen you ran all over the palace and leapt in the water last night. You are so stupid.

292. Yay Sophos I love you

Math buddies!

294. I’M SAD.

They have had this convo before

I love them

It’s because I can that I think I should

295. Do not overreach. Eddis is right

Danger in self indulgence?

I love her! “I was outside chasing your brother with a stick”

296. My heart. You have to trust yourself. I don’t know if I can. Then you have to trust us.

Tactical Irene!

Thanks I’m gonna hold on to it: “The Call of life is a s powerful as the call of death, and it is no weakness to answer to it”

297. Oh no. My children. Tell each other things like that!

Great time to be childish, Gen.

Yeah honestly. It’s bothered her FOREVER

299. Pull it together, kids!

Thx Helen

Inkpots … :( :( :(

Chapter 7

302. See … that Continent occupation isn’t good either!

303. Unfortunately that is NOT an alternative. Bc volcano.

305. This is stressful.

Chloe, interesting

306. Elephants

Oh my god it’s better than I ever could have imagined (there was like 10 years of lead up to the elephants, and I thoroughly enjoyed them)

I love him

Gen wtf

Yes drink up those guards (“We could keep [an elephant] in the guard’s bathhouse! There’s plenty of room.” “And the guards will bathe ...?” “In the palace reservoir.” “Our drinking water.”)

#6 Gen about elephants

308. This is gonna be a disaster

Hilarion with an eyeglass

Fuck Pheris is making this up.

Gen I love you

Oh my god

Honestly idk if Gen is having fun but I AM

They’re. They’re such a power couple.

Also Bu-seneth is so rude to Attolia

309. so vague about battle, but I’m sure it’s horrible

310. hero talk. Chills.

311. all the woman comparisons for Gen (“Would [a world with no war and no heroes be a bad thing?” “That’s a woman’s question”)

Wow. Interesting. Anonymity

312. Don’t listen to them Gen!

Bad tempered cooks

313. lol. Good looks.

Gen. the hand joke. Why

Well that was … a scene (I don’t know my Henry V)

Reassuring to have a glove. Which one?

314. No. Bad. This is what I was afraid of. (Nahuseresh baiting Gen with Kamet)

Ok Pheris

315. That cannot be true. (it was not!)

Gen. No. No.

316. Wow. That worked out well. So far.

They called him annux. If Kamet is really dead…

319. Yeah Attolia is RIGHT

Yeah I can’t actually either!

Irene knows. In his story!

320. Glove resolved very fast

Interesting reversal (Gen and his dad)

Maddening!

Chapter 8

322. who’s charging off in a haze of glory now

Philologos wounded

Wait, the attendants follow him in to battle...

Cleon RIP

Temenus <3

No. Stenides

If they ever returned.

His brother died in an explosion

Gen’s tears

This is sad.

323. lion lamb :(

325. At least they have each other

Morality is an illusion. Like safety?

326. that’s what Costis was mapping, right? (nope)

How many has Gen killed now

328. Who. Pol? Ambiades? (The cairn man question remains)

Oh no

Oh no. you can fall from a horse

HILARION!

Is Fordad a spy?

I am just not accepting this yet

WAIT THE MEDES TOOK HIM! (I thought the Attolians had taken Gen, or Gen’s body, at first.)

330. wow things only Pheris can do

GDI Erondites

WOW THIS IS A VILLAIN TEAM UP

332. You gave it to him dude (Nahuseresh asking “Why does he still have this?” about Gen’s hook)

I love Gen. I wonder if he’s afraid.

This is bad.

Whose treason, whose betrayal?

333. Yeah! Kamet said so (“Tell me again that you are king.” “Annux, if you prefer.”)

334. Oh god.

Get your stories straight bastards

Rolled in a rug!

336. Oh gen

Oh god

Yeah this is …

Be careful what you ask for

338. What did he sign as, though, Attolis? Eugenides?

Nomenus wtf

What does mwt have against facial hair (Fordad, Nahuseresh)

Costis please come (idk how I thought he was going to help, but I was in Costis Denial and expected him to show up at any moment)

Everyone must be going through a lot

A face like an open grave

Gen.

Gen I love you

YES

YES

Is he … invulnerable now?

Gen what.

Is he possessed? Is he already a god?

341. Yeah same. (“I think he meant that I should not fear him, either. I did, though ... I still followed him”)

This isn’t being self indulgent or overreaching, is it?

342. RIP Ion Nomenus

“My work”

Oh Nomenus

Does he just exist for the morally gray and loyal angst feelings? It works (...)

344. What did he DO

Yes! Swearing Gen!

345. love all caps Gen

Those names

Aaah

346. Ooof.

Chapter 9

347. moon promises

Yeah

Noooo Philologos :(

Legarus … :(

349. Gen what what

Sparks

Costis? Stenides? STENIDES?

Wow ok he killed Bu-seneth

350. god

See I said Nahuseresh shouldn’t have said that

Also is Gen a bastard

351. WHAT (“Because your council had just voted to kill him”)

Oh Helen

Oh Irene

Does he invite him in?

This is reassuring to the reader (“He can bear his god a little while without losing himself”)

Aaaaah Galen

354. Gen that’s a lot. A lot.

Don’t kill everyone.

So so so x7 of doom

Bye Yorn

I hope he wins too

Go away Nahuseresh

Omg

another fall

Interregnum

Ok it was Lader (when you don’t know who the man at the cairn was, keep on guessing!)

Yeah the circumstances thing is back

Oh god

Oh no

Chapter 10

361. how long has it been?

362. three days

I love them (Elephants! My excellent queen!)

You promised to trust him

364. Oh no. Oh no. (Relius)

370. These Helen convos…

371. Sad. :(

372. Emtis and Lader

Yeah.

Omg

374. Wow

Steal by elephant?

377. Don’t forget about Dite!

378. He’s gonna kill him?

379. Is Dite dead too?

Oh Sejanus

Oh I see

He’s got a mercy taste too

380. Switching!

Lying in moonlight. Hm.

381. Yesss

Nooooo

383. I’m nervous

Gods blessing on your road

Wow. <3

They would have fallen… (if Pheris had gone through with his plan, that’s how they both would have died)

Did not expect Sejanus feelings in Rott.

Chapter 11

386. He’s gonna know. But the trust.

Ion knows.

390. Gen…

Pheris is Lyopidus?

I’m scared

393. I kind of love Ion

More Sejanus, bring it on

I’m nervous

Hmmm… who could it be

395. MoW :( <3 I will not be ok if he dies too

Gen knows the way bc Costis (nope)

Oh my god these two (“I lied” “I know”)

Chapter 12

398. Oh no.

This is not

Her Thief

Irene. “only sleeping” this is what Eddis said to her

But mist… water???

Face touch

402. not living or dead. King

Yes. But no.

403. crying at everything and the MoW next to him

There he went

It was the Eddisians. He fought with them.

404. yeah that’s a lot to deal with, Pheris

405. what a mystery man (Sejanus)

Lol mysterious exit averted

Excuse me that was a difference

406. :(

Am I king

407. Helen is once again right. She’s also always right

MOIRA was Melisande???!??!? (who even knows)

409. ?? Irene?

Same as for Dite. Man loves his brothers. (nephews. you know what I mean.)

Nice.

AAH yup. Add it to the list (“How neatly you tie them together” ... the list of is ways Gen and Irene are becoming more like each other)

410. speaking of which where is Costis!

Hm… what god was that

I love their reactions

411. SPLENDID.

Oh Irene. It’s true <3

It’s so true (“When the king gives his heart he gives it completely”)

Now I’m crying again, at them

412. Gen, she has a point.

Amazing. I … I don’t think she meant to ask like THAT

Jesus, Gen.

You do not know a wagon from a wheelbarrow

413. Irene!

She’d better get home safe.

Gen!

Omg

414. I have another bad feeling, about Gen

415. High king or queen though?

Magus <3

Chapter 13

416. “of course”

That’s ominous

417. No! Sejanus!

A gut wound yikes

418. sadness

419. lol “ill will”

We’re in Roa. My heart’s pounding.

422. I love Gen.

YESSS

Yes I love them.

Sheep.

Kamet!!!

?!?

Costis. Mattresses exist.

424. Oh no.

426. roof dream

Good roof dream

Good job Helen

428. TWINS. Everyone was RIGHT

Reyatimi

Oh shit. The sky.

Oh dear. :( aaah

430. Climbing the rigging!

“it’s just that you have so many least favorite things”

431. I love them (Gen and Irene)

432. I love them (Gen and Helen)

433. RIGHT! I was thinking

I can’t <3 (they’re naming the baby after the MoW, and it’s perfect, and she’s not gonna tell us, huh)

OH MY GOD!!! (baby thief!)

WOW!

434. AAAAAAH (Hector! @threetoadswaltz​ finished reading before me and knew that I would explode about this and I DID, I threw my arms in the air! HECTOR!)

PERFECTION!

435. AAAAAAAAH (this was when it became clear they were going to dance on the roof)

Yes she was (as surefooted as the king)

Is this the first time she’s Irene

Yes.

I’m filled with happiness

Celia and Lavia again … lol.

Lol Chloe

THALIA

CRENELATED wall

HE’S ALIVE

Kamet is a sweetheart

The gods!!!

The gods!

Aracthus

Mystery goddess?

Ula?

Moira! Yes!

(I was very happy. The page itself:)

Alyta’s Missing Earring

Wait. Was it Alyta.

Glad we got a bi god (with all due respect to Immakuk and Ennikar, whose bi-ness and godliness is perhaps more up to the reader)

Got very bi very fast

Also. He’s Gen.

Interesting difference in story

Kathodicia!

Are we literally getting ALL the answers? (No. But so many more than I expected!)

Gen’s grandfather sucks

An urn huh

Omg. Heiro’s earrings?

Oh my gosh.

Same, Gen. Same.

Obvs Phresine knows.

Is Phresine a goddess?

Same, Gen. Same.

She got to tell a story! She is so happy!

I think he’s a little scared

Moleskin

Yeah peace huh

This series is socially sanctioned silliness

1000 Eugenides. Wow.

They did melt though

Little thief.

<3 <3 <3

He’s a character in a story

A big question

Tamarisk? Takima? (We are not getting all the answers.)

That’s it! Thank you for reading - it feels very self-indulgent to type up all of these, but I will honestly take most chances to relive the intense and wonderful experience of reading this book for the first time, which often means looking back at my own notes and sometimes means sharing them with people. Also, I really love reading liveblogs/real-time book thoughts, so here is one from awhile ago ... all at once.

Anyway, check out this word cloud from all of the notes (made with this site):

It’s ... mostly just character names, with a variety of words that express my enthusiasm and feeling (love, lol, wow, yes, excuse me...). Gen is the biggest because I said his name 115 times! Here are some totals for the other characters who came up a lot:

115 - Gen (and 10 Eugenides)

42 - Pheris

26 - Costis

18 - Irene (and 6 Attolia)

16 - Helen (and 8 Eddis)

10 - Sophos (and 4 Sounis)

12 - the magus

11- Kamet

11 - Teleus

10 - Relius

9 - Ion

6 - MoW

6 - Moira

5 - Sejanus

These don’t fully represent how much I had to say about them, because I didn’t always refer to people by name or title ... which kind of explains why Costis’s total is ridiculously high compared to how much he is in the book -  I likely have more notes about other characters, but I didn’t need to bring up their names because they were already present in the scenes I was taking notes on (for example, I think I talked about Relius more than Teleus, the magus, or Kamet, but many of those just referred to him as he, because it was obvious to me who I meant). But also I was just looking for Costis! Anyway. My use of names and titles for the monarchs also really illustrates how much this book reshaped the way I think of these characters’ relationship to them, Gen’s and Irene’s especially.

It’s representative of my feelings about this series that I wrote “I love them” about so many combinations of characters. Who, exactly? And how many times? Well...

5 - Gen and Irene

4 - Gen and Helen

2 - Gen and Pheris

1 - Gen, Irene, Helen, and Sophos

1 - Helen and Sophos

1 - Costis and Kamet

1 - unknown combo of Gen, Pheris, and Relius on p.166, I love them all and can’t remember. Kamet’s map was there, too, and I do love Kamet, so maybe he was in there too.

no matter what the numbers say, I love them all endlessly, and I love this book.

be blessed in your endeavors, yes I will take any questions about these notebook screams, etc.

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 99

Here we have the aftermath of the Warlord Bowl. 

Here, we finally... FINALLY get to see Jokul as a person and not a far-off mysterious bad guy. Consciously, there was never any intent to compare Jokul to people who don’t understand how politics work: @zommbiebro​ isn’t even American, for one thing, and therefore neither is Jokul. However, reading it on the last pass before posting, I realized how it could be taken.

The part that isn’t relevant to the chapter: While I didn’t mean that comparison, please make sure you vote in any local elections available to you, if it doesn’t risk your life. No matter how much you feel your vote doesn’t matter, it does. If everyone who didn’t vote decided to do so, it would change the world.

In my own country, I’ll be taking time off work - because I have that ability - and taking local people to polls that ordinarily would be inaccessible to them within their district.

Back to the chapter relevant stuff: Thank you to @zommbiebro​ for giving me such a good character to play with, @charlylimph-blog​ for reading to ensure entertainment, and @baelpenrose​ for beta reading in every way that entails.

After a quick dinner at the first mess we came across - and true to my promise, I didn’t cook anything - Arthur, Antoine and I reconvened with Jokul in my office. As agreed, he brought only two of his own people, who sat on either side of him in a mirror to how I was bracketed by my own friends.

Unfortunately, they entered as I was mulling out loud the possibility of making hot pot for family dinner one night.  Even less fortunately, the ginger who I had thrown in the gym was one of the people who walked through my door while I was debating the logistics of meat versus vegetarian options.

“She doesn’t even take us seriously!” the nasal voice complained, interrupting me.

Simultaneously, several things happened. I opened my mouth to retort, Arthur put a hand over my mouth, Antoine pushed my shoulder back into the chair.

And Jokul spoke up.

“We agreed to meet with them if Farro beat me in combat.  He did, we are here, and there will be no further argument on the matter.” If anything, he sounded weary rather than angry. “She did not even request that we cease acting against her, only that we meet as equals. It is the least we can do.”

I didn’t even know forehead cramps were a thing until I gave myself one with the speed of my eyes widening. Slowly, Arthur lowered his hand so I could speak. “Right,” I coughed. “So, there are a few things I want to know.”

“Such as?” 

“Why am I your target?” I blurted out. Of everything, this was the one that was weighing heaviest on me. I felt if I could understand that, I would know how to tackle the rest. 

To my frustration, he fucking shrugged. “You are emblematic of everything that will destroy our chance at a new start,” he stated calmly, like he was telling me his name.

I sputtered before regaining my composure. “How? How am I doing something badly?”

“You only want to consolidate power, rule over the masses!” the red-haired toady honked at me.

The overblown statement and Jokul’s subsequent glare at his own man was a level of ridiculous I couldn’t handle at that moment.  Laughing ruefully, I wiped away a tear that warned me I was close to hysterical. “I don’t want to rule over anyone, dude.  If I had my preference, I would only decide what I want to eat once or twice  a week for the rest of my life.”

“But you rule over the Council,” Jokul pointed out in a confused tone.

“I don’t rule anyone, buddy. I am on the Council largely against my will, and mostly because no one else who is qualified even wants my job. Trust me, I’ve tried.” Gods had I tried.

His next statement was significantly less confident. “But you took the reins of power…”

“I am a glorified event coordinator and human resources officer. I have a staff of exactly two. One is my sister, who has been in her role longer than I’ve been in mine and only listens to me when it’s convenient. The other is my assistant, who is British as hell and listens to me on about equal level with my cat.”

“The Baconists! Your assistant was part of that rebellion! You must have known and hidden it from our hosts!” I had to give him some begrudging credit. Even he didn’t sound like he believed his own words, and if the smug look from Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber on either side of him was anything to go by, that wasn’t his own theory.

Time to set the record straight, it seemed. “Okay, quick reminder: that bitch tried to kill me,” I enunciated carefully, leaning forward as I spoke.  “She nearly succeeded. That wasn’t a cover up, it was her realizing that I talk to myself in the shower and listening long enough to hear me think through what was going on. As far as hiding her intent from our hosts… You’re only half right. Miys doesn’t read minds, contrary to what people think, they only read intent. That nutjob really did think she was doing the best thing for the universe by wiping humanity off the proverbial map. Nothing for Miys to pick up, she actually had what she thought were good intentions.”

“You have built yourself to be this legendary hero -”

“I didn’t build myself to be jack. Effing. Shit. If I had my preference, I would give you my position, and open a restaurant that does cooking classes.” When he opened his mouth to interject, I held up a hand to stop him. “Miys likes me because I talk to myself, even in my head, and so badly that they can still hear what I am saying when I don’t move my lips. I only survived being attacked by a crazy person because I treat the person who saved me like, you know, a person? Make sure he’s okay, give him his space when he wants it, sass him back when he wants to be sassy. It was just sheer, dumb luck, and I’m not even sure it was good luck, because voila!” I flung my hands wide at the current situation, forcing both Arthur and Antoine to duck. A quick glance at Antoine only rendered one of his eloquent shrugs. Must be handling the situation okay if he doesn’t think I need help.

I was less concerned with Arthur’s opinion, not because I didn’t care, but because I knew he would jump in when he felt it was needed, without prompting or permission.

“So you do not want to rule over us all?” Jokul asked carefully.

“I don’t even want to top one of my boyfriends consistently.”

“Sophia!” Antoine hissed with a miserable expression, while Arthur burst into a coughing fit. I wasn’t sure if the latter was trying to cover a laugh of choking. 

Jokul, on the other hand, seemed to take that at face value  “Then why are you in power? Explain that.”

With a heavy sigh, I tried again. “I’m not in power. Decisions are voted on by the Council. If someone brings me an idea for a class, or an architectural project, or a medical possibility, I pass it off to the Councilor who handles that and let it go from there.” Emphatically, I pointed at my own face. “Again, glorified events coordinator and HR.”

“And yet, you have your pet warlord sitting beside you. Explain that away,”Tweedledumb - the brunette on Jokul’s other side - accused.

I whipped my head to look at the subject of that statement before looking back across the table. “Arthur?” I asked, jerking a thumb in his general direction. “You do realize he’s a teacher first, right? Warlord out of need, but that ‘need’ was protecting the students in his history class when everything went to shit? Don’t get me wrong, we butted heads like you would not believe when we first met in person. But we realized halfway through what looked to be one hell of an argument that we knew each other for - fuck, like, a decade? Maybe less? - before the End. I didn’t ‘win him over.’ We just realized we’ve always been friends.” With a shrug I glanced back at Arthur, who also shrugged before nodding.

“Too convenient, Councilor.” Tweedledumb gloated. “You just happened to be friends with someone who - “

“Oh for FUCK’s sake!” Annnnd there it was.  Someone had reached his limit for diplomacy and stupidity. “We met on a fanfiction site writing a crossover of two of the worst pieces of science fiction ever written and mutually infected each other! FUCK!” Crossing his arms, he started muttering to himself. “Not like finding someone to kick your asses is hard…”

After a glare at the darker-haired idiot, and with an expression that looked like he was entirely regretting his choice of people for this meeting, Jokul schooled his features before addressing me directly. “Fanfiction?” he asked in a skeptical tone.

And the dirty truth comes out, I thought with another sigh. “StarDoc and Warhammer 40K, okay? It was fun, no fandom to cheese off, nothing smutty. Just… fun.” When the nostalgia threatened to overtake me, I shook my head vigorously. “The point is, we knew each other for years Before the world went to shit, and only realized when one of my friends landed in his class and there was a data error.  I don’t even like violence.” Antoine gave me a skeptical look so I clarified. “Usually.”

“And yet you are a combatant!” Jokul stated with certainty, clearly on more familiar ground.

Angrily, I scowled at Tweedle-the-ginger before leaning forward to look into Jokul’s eyes. “Look. I don’t know how it was in Canada, with your mooses and shit, but I really, really want to know: Do you honestly believe that anyone who got through the After did it without learning how to defend themselves? Even more, that any woman who made it, didn’t learn to fight dirty?”

“Not if you know how to have people defend you - “ Jokul tried before I cut him off.

“They don’t defend me because I’m helpless, let’s be clear. They defend me because I will only fight back if I know my life is on the line. But, on the same page, I will protect my friends and family from anything, without reserve, and die for them. No hesitation.” With a deep breath, I sat back rather than jumping over the table.  “I have my flaws, and my sister will tell you the biggest among those is that I trust too easily.  I assume the best in, literally, everyone.”

“Except smartass teacher, apparently,” Arthur said in a fake cough that fooled exactly nobody.

After making a face at my friend, I turned back to the moose in the room. “What that means is, I don’t try to defend myself until it is literally your life or mine. Or both. I don’t really care at that point, because I assume I’m not going to make it. I just want the person I’m fighting to go down with me.” Trying to imitate Charly’s most savage grin, I put on a forced-cheerful tone. “Now, tell me, Jokul. Who would rather have faced in that fight, knowing that?”

His eyes darted between Arthur and myself as he swallowed hard, mulling the implications of that. “You would kill and die for your friends’ safety and health, even if you would only protect yourself at the last moment?” Here, he scoffed. “There is nothing exceptional or even special about that. Many who were in power in the After felt the same.”

“Except I don’t want power,” I repeated in a tone that I previously reserved only for small children. “I just told you that.” In the corners of my eyes, I saw both of my friends nodding so hard I was concerned for their spines.

Before I could try to reason with Jokul any more, Arthur jumped in. “If you’re both done arguing righteousness, let me explain a few things. Jokull. First off, Soph actually doesn’t want to rule, or be on the Council. She told you this. She’s also bitched about it to me, her sister, and anyone else who will listen, at length. On top of being too trusting, her biggest flaw is actually an impulsivity problem, in general. But she’s not an autocrat.” As he gestured, I saw his eyes glaze over, his voice taking on a serene tone that was entirely too familiar. “If Soph was a real autocrat, she’d have let us have our little duel armed, with my sword and - I presume you’d have had an ax? Maybe a broadsword? You look like a broadsword guy... any rate.”

“However,” he continued, leaning forward with a thoughtful expression, like he was puzzling something out. “she made me promise not to kill you. Think about that. After you’ve been nothing but a headache and a threat to her and her family for months, she makes me promise not to kill you. I wanted to, you know.” The wistful sigh that accompanied that statement was entirely unnecessary and I was certain he only did it to irritate me.  “I wanted to kill you and have your lifeless corpse thrown out of the airlock like trash, not because of the Council, not because your Viking gimmick wears out in a hurry, but because you made the mistake of threatening a friend, then slapping a student. I had no idea if you were actually going to seriously harm any of them, and I didn’t care. The threat alone was enough to make me decide I wanted you dead.” Tapping his chin briefly, he pointed at Jokul without actually looking at him. “Because you were an unknown quantity, but no matter whether or not you were actually the threat you claimed to be, your corpse would be harmless.”

Arthur shrugged before looking Jokul in the face. “That’s how warlords handled things in the After, isn’t it? When someone threatened your people, or when someone threatened mine? I didn’t negotiate. I didn’t warn. I doubt you did, either. I took them at their word, and I did unto them first. And I’d bet you did the same. ‘Peace’ was what you called it when everyone who wanted to make war on you or your people was dead. That’s what the After taught me, that’s what it taught you.” After emphasizing his point by gesturing between the two of them, he shook his head.  “And that impulse, that set of lessons? That's not what humanity needs right now. Our skill set as leaders is not what humanity needs right now. If you want humanity to have a fresh start as you claim, drop the hostility, drop the self-righteousness, and actually try listening. Do you want a genuine peace with the Council?” Thoughtfully, he stroked the hilt of his sword where it laid across his lap. 

I knew it was the fondness of being reunited with a long lost limb, but Jokul didn’t know that. 

“Or a warlord’s peace with me?” In a creepy way, Arthur’s tone was downright perky. “I prefer a genuine one. A warlord’s idea of peace is one of the things I want to leave in the ashes of the After. That’s why it’s the Council who make the rules here - not warlords.”

With an alarmed expression, Jokul very slowly glanced at me. “Did he just threaten to kill me and shove me out an airlock?”

“No, he’s pouting because I wouldn’t let him do that,” I answered honestly.  The topic had come up, for a solid fifteen seconds.  I was even reasonably sure Arthur had been joking.

“I don’t - “ Arthur started  indignantly before being cut off by Jokul.

“He makes a good point. Our skills as warlords are not what is needed in this new world. I let myself believe people who told me that the Council in general and you specifically wanted to hoard power and privilege over us, just like the people who led Earth to where it ended up.” He glanced nervously at Arthur, who was still stroking his sword, before forging ahead in a somewhat squeakier tone. “If someone who has had real power agrees that you and the Council are the best option, then I will at least try to see how that would work.”

Here, Antoine joined the conversation. “Militant strength and ruling by force aren’t the only forms of power. We do not want that sort of power over us anymore. The Council leads because the people on this ship largely want to follow them.  That is the kind of power no one can force.  It has to be earned.”

“But the Council still makes decisions without our will - “

Shaking my head, I angrily flicked open my datapad and shot a file to him like I was thumping off an insect. “No, Bjornson, we don’t.  I was elected to my position - without my knowledge, might I add - by the people I represent to the Council. Every decision we make, the people on this ship get a vote with the exception of an emergency like what happened on Level One.  There wasn’t time to have a vote on how to handle that.”

“Although, we have had a lot of emergencies lately, so I understand the confusion,” Arthur interjected.

Is this what hallucinations feel like? I wondered. There was no way in frozen hell Arthur just made a point in Jokul’s favor, but the calm, resigned look on his face told me that, at some point, he seemed to have made peace with having to treat Jokul Bjornson as a sentient being. I was going to pass out if I kept sighing, though. “Okay, true. But everything else - Insert Winter Holiday, the swimming area, the diving docks, food festivals, permanent low stimulation areas throughout the ship, Galactic Core education - those were voted on by the people on this ship, with an overwhelming majority in favor.”

“What about the alarms?” Jokul pointed to his own head for emphasis.

“Also voted on, believe it or not,” I confirmed. “ And most of the ship agreed that there was more benefit in not running into people who would react badly to unexpected touch than there was discomfort at the alarms going off.”

“I tested them myself, monsieur.” Antoine offered. “So I am well acquainted with the volume they are calibrated for, and I do not appreciate you disabling them.  My staff have had to work around the clock to treat the damage your people have caused to others on this ship, who are terrified to leave their quarters now.”

Jokul looked a bit guilty at that, as well as his entourage.  Looked like he hadn’t considered that. “Would you believe me if I told you that was originally an accident?” he admitted sheepishly.  “One of the engineers thought it would be funny to shock another one in the neck with a low level electrical current, right behind the ear.” He turned his head and pointed to a small burn scar in the same place. “It took days for them to notice that the proximity alarm didn’t work anymore.”

To my shock, Antoine started swearing angrily in French, so fast even the translator couldn’t keep up. “Sophia, if I find out Charly Harper is the cause of this…”

Jokul shook his head vigorously. “I can assure you it was not Miss Harper.” His focus slid over to me, eyes wide.

Either this motherfucker just lied to keep Charly out of trouble, or she really was innocent.

“That explains why Derek and Zach couldn’t figure out how they did it,” Arthur pointed out. “You can’t hack into something that’s shorted out.”

Jokul spoke up again. “It also… may? Have caused some translation inconsistencies?”

“So the shock corrupted more files than just the alarms,” I stated in clarification.

“Several, in fact, yes…. Specifically signed languages and tonal languages.”

“That’s… that’s at least a third of the ship…” I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to sob in horror or laugh hysterically.

Jokul groaned before cradling his head in his hands. “I am aware, yes.”

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[callme-chaos]

The Perks of Being the President (1/4)

Chapter 1: Free Shit

There are many perks to being the President. Reduced travel expenses, high security wherever you go, lots of money and free shit. It can be a lot of fun. I would know. I was a King once. Now I’m a God.

But I digress.

               There are many perks to being the President but being known is not one of them. The history books are not always kind to their subjects but they are never kind to their rulers. Whether you win or lose or die or live – someone out there hated your guts and will never let the world forget it.

I would know.

               But this is not my story. I will just be narrating it because no one else had the energy to do so. Which I guess makes sense – everyone was very tired after the war.

               Instead, this is the story of President J. Schlatt who, despite being voted in completely legally and democratically, was still a very controversial figure in our history. You all know the beginning of the story, I’m sure of that much. But here is where it ended for one of them…

               “Does anybody smell toast?”

               “That’ll be your breakfast, sir,” Quackity said, his suit buttoned up to the throat, as he woke the President from his beauty sleep. Schlatt slowly sat up from the bed, holding his head. He felt like he was having the hangover of the century but had no idea that he actually was. For a moment, he remembered nothing of the previous days.

               Quackity presented the divine breakfast on a silver platter to Schlatt, who’s eyes gleamed with greed. “Did I pay for this?” Schlatt asked.

               “Of course not, sir. Breakfast is always on the tax payers,” Quackity replied.

               Schlatt licked his chops in delight and tucked in. There was something very grotesque in the movement that I distinctly didn’t like – but, hey, what was I gonna do about it? He was President and I was barely corporeal in that moment.

               With a mouth full of toast and cooked salmon, Schlatt spoke again: “You know, I had a really weird dream last night.”

               Quackity had been pulling out the perfect suit for his President to wear and barely turned around to listen to what the old crackpot had to say. Undeterred however, Schlatt continued. “I think I had a heart-attack and died.”

               Breathing a heavy sigh of “only if”, Quackity pulled out a grey suit and red tie combo. “And what did that feel like?”

               “Not so great actually. I got really drunk though beforehand so that was good. I think we might have been at war.”

               “There is no war in Manberg, sir.”

               “Maybe not out there, Quackity,” Schlatt swallowed harshly. Today felt like a big day. Schlatt could sense it: the clouds were moving faster over Manberg and it looked like it might rain. Something was coming. Something epic and gorgeous and legendary and green and funny and sexy and just all round pretty excellent.

               Though, Schlatt wasn’t to know that at the time, I guess.

               No, Schlatt instead tossed the feelings aside and went about his day as usual: he finished his free breakfast, had a free lunch to follow up and had an exquisite free evening meal and finally went to bed. Full and happy and unknowing.

               The house was silent and dark when the stunningly attractive green man came. He slipped through the window like a breeze and lay in waiting for his prey to wake from slumber. Jschlatt was a noisy sleeper. Every snore was a lion’s roar and shook the entire building. But the lovely green man was unintimidated by it and stood in the corner of the room, basking in the shadows.

               Until he inevitably got bored of the waiting and woke the sleeping man up.

               “Hey! Jschlatt! Wake up! I need to tell you something!”

               Schlatt tumbled out of bed and, still half asleep, pulled out a sword from under his pillow. “Waddyawan?”

               Amused, the green man said, “You sleep with a knife?”

               Blinking himself awake, Schlatt’s vision finally came into focus. “Dream?”

               The green man shook his head violently, “No no. I am NIGHTMARE.” A well-timed clap of thunder sounded above them and lightning struck the floor outside. It was very epic.

               But the drunk asshole just laughed. “Nightmare? That’s something I would call my Club Penguin avatar.”

               “You are far too old to be playing Club Penguin, Mr. President.”

               “Hey! Don’t question what I do in my spare time. Anyways, what are you even doing here?”

               “I need to tell you something.”

               Jschlatt released an irritated sigh and began to crawl back into bed. “Then make it snappy. I still have some z’s to catch before morning.”

               NIGHTMARE ripped the covers off the man and he shivered. “Over the next three nights you will be visited by three ghosts who will teach you things about being a better person-“

               “You’re a bit early for that, buddy. Try rescheduling for the 24th of December.”

               “Schlatt, I’m serious. You need to change your ways.”

               “Wait. Did you say over the next three nights? Dickens did it in one – what’s the hold up here?”

               “Minecraft nights are much shorter than real life nights – anyways, stop questioning the storyline and listen to me! You might be fat and happy in this timeline but you can’t be making mistakes. If you keep going down this path, you will die!”

               “That’s what my doctors have been saying for years.”

               “I’m not talking about the alcohol, Schlatt! Take it from someone who knows, being a leader is difficult – it’s more than just living the lush life.” NIGHTMARE watched the emotions flit across Schlatt’s face: a mixture of doubt then uncertainty and then nothingness. This man was empty.

               “Look here, buddy, things are going great for me at the moment – industry is booming, the treasury is over-flowing, the people are ecstatic and there is no war in Manberg! I’m a great president!” Schlatt said with no small amount of arrogance.

               “No, /your/ industries are booming, /your/ pockets are over-flowing, /you/ are happy. Your people are not. And while there is no war now, you will have one on your hands soon if you don’t shape up-“

               “What’s that about my shape?”

               “Three more ghosts are coming, Schlatt, whether you want them to or not. You better listen to them or else…”

               “Or else what?” Jschlatt taunted but anyone could see that the grip on his sword was faltering. “Are you gonna kill me?”

               “I’m afraid it’s already too late for that,” NIGHTMARE turned away from the hopeless case, annoyed. “And you can have that bit for free.”

               And with that final sentence resonating in Jschlatt’s head, the awesomely epic green man disappeared in a crack of lightning and another expertly timed clap of thunder.

[rigmarolling]

Five Things Abe Lincoln Did That Prove He Was A BAMF

I love Lincoln. You probably know this if you’ve listened to me talk for more than two seconds. I have a literal entire bookshelf filled with Lincoln stuff. I teared up in Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln at Disneyland. I cried so hard when I watched Lincoln (2012), that I almost started dry-heaving. I was Lincoln (sort of) for Halloween.

Is it a problem? No. It isn’t a problem, Mom. Because Lincoln was a 100% USDA-certified badass.

Don’t believe me? Here are ten things Abe did to prove he was absolutely a BAMF.

1. That time he jumped out a window to prevent a vote.

In 1840, the Illinois legislature was voting on whether or not to fund the state bank. Lincoln was a member of the Whig party, which did not require members to wear wigs, contrary to what the name suggests, but which did support saving the state bank. The opposing party, the Democrats (different political beliefs from modern-day democrats, do NOT come at me, Reddit dudebros) wanted to shut the State bank down.

It all came down to a vote...and it looked like the anti-state bank democrats were going to win. Abraham Lincoln, then a 31-year-old legislator who looked like the pioneer version of a Tim Burton character, was getting nervous. 

Above: Jack Skellington, 1840.

“Shit,” he thought, probably, “We Whigs are screwed if we lose this vote. And we don’t even get to wear wigs.”

The bank-hating democrats scheduled a vote to adjourn the session, which would effectively be the nail in the state bank’s coffin. Abe was panicking. He was the de facto leader of the Whigs; he had to do something. 

“Prove your mettle, boy,” he probably thought to himself in a folksy, backwoods kinda way. “Show ‘em you ain’t gonna give up.”

So Abe did what any self-respecting legislator would do when stuck between a rock and a hard place:

He jumped out the window of the legislature to stop the vote.

To be fair, Lincoln wasn’t the only one to opt for a morning act of defenestration: a bunch of the other Whigs joined in, too. The rationale was, essentially, this:

Which is peak Internet comedy, but unfortunately, it was 1840 and the Internet didn’t exist yet, so nobody appreciated the gesture and the democrats eventually wound up closing the bank, anyway. 

But at least Abe showed the entire state that he appreciated Looney Tunes-esque escape tactics.

2. That time he roasted a guy during a debate with good-old self-deprecating humor.

You ever rely on self-deprecating humor to beat people to the “yes, I KNOW I am offensive” punch?

So did our 16th president, Abraham Nicole Lincoln.

(Not his real middle name.)

When Lincoln was campaigning, his biggest rival was Stephen Douglas, the Democratic contender who was nicknamed “the little giant” because he was short but a heavy hitter in politics, and also because he looks like the kind of guy that just wouldn’t shut up at parties:

Above: “Actually, I’m not racist, BUT--”

In 1858, Lincoln and Douglas held a series of seven famous political debates called, brilliantly, The Lincoln-Douglas Debates, coming to you LIVE at Rockefeller Center, with performances by the Rockettes, Anna and Elsa on Ice, AND with special guest, Seal!

These debates were THE go-to political show of the season. If you were super into who would be elected to the Illinois Senate in the mid-19th century, then holy shit, you have got to watch these two men go at each other, man, it’s like watching a tree and an angry little dog slap each other across the stage.

During the debates, Lincoln quickly became famous for his one-liners, and also because no one had ever seen a talking tree in a suit before.

In one of the debates, Douglas accused Lincoln of being two-faced. Without missing a beat, Lincoln, who had been mocked his entire life for his ungainly, scarecrow-like appearance in the same way that I just mocked him a few sentences ago, whoops...

ANYWAY.

Lincoln turned to Douglas and went, “Honestly, if I were two-faced, would I be showing you this one?” 

And then the audience did this:

And then Lincoln was like:

Check. Mate. 

3. That time he was so strong and such a good wrestler that nobody messed with him.

When I say “wrestler,” what do you think of?

Is it this?

Maybe this?

What about this?

Huh? What’s that you say? “What the hell is...is that Lincoln? What...what the hell is Lincoln doing in a list of wrestlers?

“Um,” I answer, “Being a wrestler.”

Because Abraham Lincoln, 6′ 4″ and all of 150-something pounds, was, in fact, an incredibly talented wrestler.

So talented, in fact, that when it came to wrestling matches, he went undefeated for most of his life.

See, Lincoln grew up in the middle of butt crack-nowhere, out in the sticks of the American frontier. Ain’t no room for sissies out on the frontier. This here’s hard-scrabble country, see, rough-livin’; you gotta spit to live; you gotta live to spit; Neosporin? I think you mean weak-ass bitch cream.

So how did rootin’ tootin’ frontier folk blow off steam? Well, when they weren’t dying of dysentery or tuberculosis or minor infections that could today be cured by steady application of Neosporin, they were wrasslin’. And when it came to the act of picking someone up and throwing them back down, nobody wrestled like 21-year-old Abraham Justine Lincoln.

(Not his real middle name.)

One look at the guy and people were like, “The hell? What’s this ancient Egyptian mummy doing in the ring?”

But the second he got going, everyone shut up. Because this guy was nuts. He was a berserker. He could defeat a guy three times his size in seconds. He could bench the Rock, probably, and not even break a sweat.

He was the nicest guy in town. But nobody--and I mean nobody--messed with Abraham Ashley Lincoln.

(Not his real middle name).

One time, Jack Armstrong, the local heavyweight champion who was the Big Bad in town and undefeated in the wrestling and “I’m a giant asshole who smashes my way through problems” arena, challenged Lincoln to a match. 

“Uh oh,” everyone in the little town of New Salem, Illinois thought, “That’s it for ol’ Twig Legs Abe. He might be good, but there’s no way he can defeat Jack Armstrong. Nice knowing you, kid; it’s a shame, because you might have made a solid president.”

But Lincoln, who knew no fear and ate chains forged in the heart of a dwarven cavern for breakfast, was like, “Bring it on, bitch.”

Above: Playin’ with the boys.

Jack and Abe started sparring and Jack threw insult after insult Abe’s way. I don’t know exactly what Jack said, but it was probably the 19th century equivalent of, “You may have 2,300 Facebook friends but nobody cares about the pictures of your homemade Shake ‘N Bake chicken that you post, eggwad.”

Abe didn’t relent. 

See, he was getting angry.

Really angry.

So angry, in fact, that in one fell swoop, he suddenly slammed big Jack Armstrong to the ground so hard that Armstrong passed out, cold.

Abe had won. Everyone stared at the panting, growling, 6′4″ pine tree man in reverent awe. 

A fun epilogue to this story: after Jack Armstrong recovered from getting his ass handed to him by a guy who looked like an extra in a movie about the Amish, he and Abe remained steadfast buddies for the rest of their lives. 

Jack just never ever insulted Abraham Jessica Lincoln again.

(Not his real middle name.)

4. The (many) times he went off into long, rambling stories during Cabinet meetings to illustrate a point.

You know how grandma and grandpa sometimes go off on tangents and you’re like, “okay, okay, get to the point.”

But grandma and grandpa don’t even respond and just keep talking about that one time in 1953 that Anne-Marie told George that no, she hadn’t gone to the corner store, why do you keep asking, George? And then I said to George, I said, George, you need to listen to Anne-Marie because she knows that the corner store is the only one in town that sells fresh-laid eggs and Butterick circle skirt patterns, but did he listen? Did he listen to me? No, he didn’t, so I went to---

You get it.

So did every single member of Lincoln’s cabinet. Because Lincoln was a consummate storyteller, for better or for worse. 

(Sometimes for worse, depending on who you asked.)

Above: “One time, at band camp...”

Lincoln would interrupt important meetings about, you know, saving the Union and the soul of the country itself with anecdotes that started something like this:

Lincoln: You know, Sec. Stanton, that reminds me of a fur-trapper I knew back in Illinois--

Stanton: Great, except, Mr. President, everyone is dying--

Lincoln: Now this here fur trapper was the best fur trapper in the entire state. Not the entire country, mind you, on account of we didn’t really have a way of measuring fur-trapping skills nationwide--

Stanton: *neck turning purple* Mr. President--

Lincoln:--but definitely the best fur trapper in Illinois. Now one day, this fur trapper set out to do what he did best: shoot some raccoons, or maybe a bear, or a wolf if he was lucky, or a deer, or some moose, or a beaver, or a mongoose, or maybe a possum--

Stanton: OH MY GOD--

Lincoln:--or a cat, if times were desperate, but not a dog, never a dog, because this here fur trapper loved dogs; had six of ‘em himself, all hound dogs, loyal to a fault, see, because this here fur trapper--

Stanton: JUST STOP--

Lincoln: --this here fur trapper could be short-sighted. See, he set his sights one day on shooting the biggest bear in the mountains--and this bear, why, this here bear was a Goliath of a bear, the biggest bear anyone ever did see, the biggest bear in the state; not the biggest bear in the country, mind you, on account of we didn’t have a way of comparing bear sizes nationwide, but--

You get the gist.

Above: “So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies--”

Eventually, Lincoln would get to the point of his story; in this example, for...um, example...maybe the moral was, “Don’t get so focused on one goal (shooting that big bear) that you loose sight of other objectives in the war (getting rid of the wolf pack killing all the sheep or whatever).”

I would like to explain to you why telling long, rambling grandpa stories was such a power move:

Abe Lincoln was the president. 

So his whole Cabinet had to listen.

And Abe Lincoln knew it.

They had to listen to this backwoods guy go on and on about how that one time the local long boatsman fell into the river actually serves as a metaphor for Gen. McClellan’s inability to take control of the troops; or how the rabid raccoon that lived in the local blacksmith’s shop can serve as a metaphor for acting too hastily when trying to take down the South. 

Or, like, whatever.

Above: “All here in favor of me performing the entirety of Les Mis starring me as everyone, raise your hands.”

Apparently, Lincoln was also the kind of storyteller who, if there was a funny punchline at the end, took forever to get to the punch line because he’d start laughing hysterically at his own joke, and while many people thought it was incredibly endearing, others were like, “Boy, I wonder what it would be like if I dumped this entire fucking bottle of ink over the president’s head to get him to shut the fuck up.”

Spoiler alert: Lincoln did not, in fact, shut the fuck up. He was determined to teach folks a lesson through the the power of storytelling and also to help break the tension of a legitimately horrible war with the power of laughter.

Monopolizing the conversation to prove a point with anecdotes about frontier living that no one can escape?

Power. Move.

5. Those times he let his kids run amok in the White House and thought it was hilarious.

Lincoln had a four kids, all boys, who moved into the White House after he was elected president.

And these boys were little terrors.

To be fair, a vast majority of boys are terrors. Kids are terrors. They are small harbingers of chaos and discord with little regard for their fellow humans, which means they fit right in in the White House EYYYY POLITICAL COMMENTARY.

But Lincoln’s kids, apparently, were especially out of control.

Above: “Alright, enough pussy-footin’ around, Pops, fork over the dough and no one gets a kick in the nuts.”

Lincoln adored his boys, partly because he was a good dad and partly because he’d already had one child die tragically, so understandably, he was like, “Life is short and antibiotics haven’t been invented yet so we’re all going to die from getting paper cuts, probably; I’m just gonna let my boys do whatever the hell they want.”

And he kind of...did.

Willie and Tad Lincoln, his two youngest, brought tons of pets into the White House. Dogs, cats, birds...when people objected, Lincoln just sort of shrugged. He, too, was a huge animal lover and didn’t really care if ponies were clomping around the Oval Office. “My White House, my rules, my indoor ponies.”

The two Lincoln boys would dress up in military uniforms and have fake military drills and stage fake (LOUD) battles all over the White House, including when Dad was in a Cabinet meeting.

What did Dad do, you ask?

Laugh his head off.

While his kids would burst into Cabinet meetings, crawl under the table and kick important Senators’ legs and feet, generally causing a grade-A ruckus, Abe would try and fail to stifle his laughter.

Which, you know. Objectively isn’t the best parenting, but for Pete’s sake, they were at war, can’t they have a little fun? Jesus, lighten up, folks, they’re kids.

The Lincoln boys particularly irritated Sec. of War Edwin Stanton, but to be fair, almost everything irritated Sec. of War Edwin Stanton.

Above: “I have never had fun once, ever, in my life.”

Once again, Lincoln’s rationale was, “Life is fragile, one of my children already died, the country is at war, and kids make me laugh, so if they want to punch Sec. Stanton in the balls under the table, who am I to stop them?”

Also, Lincoln was the president, so nobody thought it was appropriate to go, “Um, hey? Mr.--Mr. President? Maybe you could tell your sons to, you know...not crawl under the table and interrupt, um...important...war strategy meetings?”

ALSO, Lincoln once wrestled a man twice his size to the ground without batting an eyelash, so you go tell him to make his kids behave. I dare you.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2283

i did a bunch of work today. kinda exhausted.

i attended and took notes in class, i cleaned my room and went through my wardrobe to get rid of stuff in the first real clothing purge of the last like five years, and then i did all of the assignments that were due for earth science before 6pm, which was weird for me bc i usually do them after everything else during the day. but i had time, so i did them early. i also listened to two sections of math lecture, so i can do homework for that section tomorrow, and maybe get a head start on the rest of my exhaustive list of homework for each day of the rest of the semester. quite literally, i made a list. numbered it, put in all of my assignments and when i'd do them, so i have it all laid out in front of me so i can keep to the schedule, because if i fall behind any more i will not finish the semester. but i have to, and i have to have something to show to my professor tomorrow to let her know i'm not giving up, but that instead it's my mental inertia that is really preventing me from being productive. mental inertia is what i'm calling my brain's unwillingness to do a single fuckin thing on any given day. because of the definition and practical understanding of inertia, it means though that if i want it to move, i have to move it myself. i have to push it. because that's really what i'm dealing with - an unwilling blob of disaster that has a decent ability to function if it ever gets off its ass. so i need the motivation to push that blob until it starts sliding. lots of principles of physics here: inertia, forces, static and kinetic friction. yknow, the drill.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for today, even though it feels like i missed doing stuff. breaking things down into specific details helps me, so having a day-by-day calendar that goes line by line telling me what i need to do on a given day will help me push my dumbass brain into gear. it's a variation, i suppose, on the block method of task organization andrew tells his clients about. sticky notes worked for a semester. a detailed planner worked really well for a semester. so now, straight-up pads of paper will have to work for the rest of the semester. i need to rotate my methods so i don't get complacent and ignore things, like i can easily do if things are uniform and are exactly the same. which is why a list is easier i guess, because yes it's all supposed to look the same, but it's a different visual thing than a wall of brightly-colored sticky notes that end up blending into the faded yellow wall. which is a problem i have. so. i'd like to go back to the planner thing, but that also worked best when i was on campus and not stuck at home for school stuff.

also i talked to joel a little bit today. sort of a normal interaction: he asked me if i wanted to fight, i begged for death, he said no, i said why, he gave some bullshit answer, then we changed the topic. kinda funny tbh, that's sort of our way of checking in on each other. it allows me to actually tell him how i'm feeling, and while he doesn't give up much information himself, a lot of it is supporting me and my nonsense and buffoonery as i simply exist as a ball of Anxiety™ that stress-cleans and vibrates in place as i contemplate the tasks i must complete. today was an anxiety day, so i told him. [it's nice to tell someone things about my emotional state and for them to take me and what i say at face value instead of trying to break me down into pieces of "drama" and "not drama," because that's what my mom does. if i feel too much, her first response is "what's real and what's drama," or "you're being dramatic," or some other equally bullshit gaslighting of my emotional state that's fuckin fragile in the first place. like, listen linda. "what's real" all of it. "what's drama" none of it, you moldy peach pit. i feel what i feel, and you are not allowed to tell me that what i'm feeling isn't real, so shut your mouth and sit the fuck down, you melted stick of unsalted butter.] but yeah. joel actually listens and i love the shit out of him for it.

and lastly, i watched a christmas movie. by myself. before thanksgiving. but. in my defense, it was about a struggling writer at a writing conference who ends up repeatedly unknowingly bumping into the keynote speaker, a published author of whom she happens to be a fangirl in increasingly embarrassing situations at first. and then they're paired as writing buddies for the conference, and he gives her pointers and they banter and work together and it's just really cute and the Drama occurs when he's trying to tell her he's the author but she keeps rushing to go somewhere and it's the keynote and the author walks in and it's HIM. THE DRAMA. THE BETRAYAL. THE YEARNING. and then he comes to her dad's house and surprises her on christmas day with a letter from a publisher bc her revised copy of her manuscript was really good bc of all the help he gave her and the experiences they shared and all the good stuff and she said it was basically a happy ever after, to which he replied, "i guess it is." and then she says, "so kiss me already," and points to the mistletoe above them and it's SO CUTE AND SWEET AND I ALMOST CRIED.

but anyway, i feel like a hypocrite because christmas!! shouldn't!! happen!! before!! thanksgiving!! that's!! a!! rule!! and i HATE IT when people put up christmas decorations in early november, but at this point i'm accepting that it's something that gives people joy so i really shouldn't step on that. it's just. learning to accept that people enjoy certain things and i should encourage them instead of rag on them for it. i'm not perfect. i'm still learning. and i want to be a kinder person to people, more loving and accepting and supportive, and i'm slowly overcoming my own hatred of things as i grow and distance myself further from the shit that made me this way. i'm learning! if i make a mistake please tell me gently, because i want to be better but i also have RSD and i WILL shut down and tear myself down forever if i am told harshly bc that's just how i am. i'm trying to get over it a little at a time by accepting things as time goes on, but in the meantime i need help. so that's all, i guess.

thanks for reading and for caring, i love you guys and i hope you're enjoying things that being you joy, even if other people give you shit for it. i will do my best to support you!

also if you're in the US and are of voting age and are registered and haven't already voted, GO VOTE TOMORROW. some states have same-day registration, so bring an ID and go register if you need to. this election will determine our futures - i know so many of us are in circumstances that would be harmed if we had another four years of the racist orange peel in office now, so i know many others who may straight-up die because of it. we need protections. we need to have our rights protected. we need to have our lives protected. and we can't do that with the damaged candy corn in office for any longer. he'a already fucked with us enough. we can't afford any more of it. now i'm just angry ranting. please, go vote for joe biden. politics is like public transit: if there's no train going exactly where you need to go, you don't just not get on the train. you take the one that gets you the closest, and work your way from there. that's joe biden. and, if biden does indeed win, our fights aren't over. we have people we need to protect from the conservatives and racists and white supremacists that exist goddamn everywhere. we need to keep reminding people that it's our responsibility to take care of one another in every way we can. there's a laundry list of things that needs to be fixed; unfortunately they won't happen all at once. so we have to keep fighting, no matter who's in office. VOTE.

VOTE.

[vonlipvig]

Survivor Winners at War Ep 12 Recap

We’re getting close to the end! In this episode, man I knew I shouldn’t have manifested anything, look what happened now...

So after the Sophie vote, Tony’s got some explaining and damage control to do. And oh my god, I love how the episode starts with Sarah on her confessional going “Ok Sarah, be calm, don’t blow up”, and then THIS

I feel the italianness to my bones.

And I really love to see these two together cause aaaaa they’re just so good. Cause like, Tony very much took out one of Sarah’s closest allies in Sophie, but he really managed to make her feel safe and secure and like they still have a trusting bond (which, they very much do!). And as for Sarah, yeah she can scream at him but she was like “I’ll be with you, until I’m sunk and then I’ll sink you too, no mercy” WHICH IS GREAT, cause she can very much benefit from their mutual partnership!

UGH THEY0RE BOTH JUST SO GOOD I LOVE THEM.

And then Tony goes to calm down Ben which ALSO WORKS, although Ben is still very much not wanting to talk to Jeremy. Also Tony gets pooped on by a bird. They are in the jungle, after all.

Because everything is wonderful, we get more Crazy Tony stuff, and after a quick recap of THE SPY SHACK and THE SPY BUNKER (rip) we see the birth of THE SPY NEST.

And god, did I mention how much I love the Tony and Sarah buddy cop partnership?

Can y’all spot Tony? Where could he be!

(Also Sarah saying “if Tony was my partner in real life, one of us would get fired.” Please, I need Sarah and Tony buddy cop comedy PLEASE).

In other news, Miss Kim planted the idea of getting rid of Tony, which...is a very sound idea, considering the dude is doing really well. He does have an idol, but you can always hope to blindside him, and now could be a good time...

Back in Depression Island, it’s Log Challenge 2: Electric Boogalo, coconut edition! Y’all remember the one where they had to bring back a bunch of logs one at a time? Well, they gotta do that again! But with coconuts! Oh, and only the first six actually get tokens. Time to go!

Adam is such a mood. Also, love how even in EoE, the show is like we WILL keep making fun of Adam, bet on it dfjkdfhkdj (him getting lapped, and then seeing Wendell jump from rock to rock and going “huh?? how did you do that?? dkfjhdkh relatable king).

Natalie is being a total Queen, and everyone is like “yo Natalie is killing it” which SHE IS. Then people get injured, too, which scared the CRAP out of me like PLEASE ROB AND DANNI DON’T DIE HERE.

In the end, the placements are Natalie, Sophie, Yul, Parv and Tyson, and Wendell, all with tokens (also then Rob went and tried to complete the challenge, even when it was over, which...I mean good for you dude, but don’t tire yourself over nothing! Save energy for the challenge!)

Back in the game, it’s idol hunting for everyone, now that Sophie’s idol is back in play. Ben and Tony are kind of searching together, and Ben finds the idol and...tries to hide it really obviously, to which Tony is like “dude, I’m right here I can see you lmao” which KDHGKHDKFHDK I love him a lot.

So yeah, Ben gets the idol and is trying to put Tony at ease, cause everyone wants Tony out right now. Also we get this:

aber, bézense :)

Now it’s challenge time--the good ole classic “stand with your arm chained to a rope tied to a bucket full of water” but with a twist of standing on a narrow beam--and.........sigh.......I have issues.

So, there were two immunity necklaces, one for the last woman, and one for the last man. Obviously everyone wants to vote for Tony (at least the vast majority), so you gotta make sure he doesn’t lose, right?

But then what happens is that Jeff comes out with cookies and peanut butter...and all hell breaks loose. First Michele stands down, ok whatever, BUT THEN...KIM STANDS DOWN AS WELL? KIM!? That makes Denise win immunity cause Sarah was out, but KIM...you’re putting together the plan, you’re a Big Threat in everyone’s book...WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS?

AND THAT’S NOT ALL. Then Nick tells Tony that he’ll let him win if he gives him one token, and when Tony says yes HE STEPS DOWN, TOO!? FOR FUCKING COOKIES!? WHAT THE HELL ARE Y’ALL DOING!?

So yeah, Tony challenge beast confirmed, y’all are fucking stupid lmao.

People are now trying to go for the second plan, aka Jeremy, but Ben goes and snitches on Tony about them trying to blindside him, and he goes and confronts Nick which dfjkdhkj MAN IT’S SO OBVIOUS. But yeah, Tony finds out it was Kim that tried to bring together the plan, so he goes after her.

BUT he has to try to convince Ben, which is SO deadset on Jeremy, but DAMN HE FUCKING DOES SUCH A GREAT JOB. It’s still like oh which way will they go? But it’s could happen...

And then...Michele gives Jeremy her 50/50 coin? I’m...? What? I mean yeah, he’s your ally, but you’re gonna VOTE FOR HIM AS WELL? To vote with the “majority”? Girlie, Idk...

Then it’s TC time, and I love how when they mention that Kim, Michele and Nick all dropped out for cookies, Parv is like:

LITERALLY ALL OF US AT HOME WATCHING. WTF.

And then it’s...well, it’s a whisperfest again, VERY chaotic, very convoluted and confusing...but there were more subtitles with time! Yay!

(Also Denise being done like OK FUCK IT LET’S VOTE WHATEVER jkdfhdkjfh mood)

When it’s time, Jeff goes “Anyone wants to play anything do it now or find out”, and OH SHIT, first Tony says “Wait a minute Jeff”, and then he’s almost gonna play it for Sarah but she goes “No dude, don’t do it” and AAAAAAAAAAA HOW BALLSY (I guess you gotta trust your alliance, but AAAA SARAH DON’T SACRE ME LIKE THAT).

And then Jeremy ALMOSTTT playing the 50/50 but ALSO not doing it, and in the end THEY WERE ALL RIGHT, cause Kim got voted out. And listen, I’m SO SAD I love Kim to pieces, she’s so hot, but either Tony or Kim was gonna lose this episode, Tony was immune and it ended up being Kim. At least it was entertaining.

[omfgtrump]

Tale of Two Viruses: Part 31

While the virus rages and the economy falters, the Senate continues to abdicate its responsibility to the Americans hit hardest by thwarting a financial relief package.

It has bigger fish to fry. Screw the dead, the sick, the destitute, the hungry, the homeless, the frightened American people, as there is a Supreme Court Justice to appoint.

Rumor has it that even before The Notorious RBG’s passed, the self-proclaimed “Grim Reaper,” Mitch McConnell, felt a warm glow come over him and called his shameless buddy Lindsey, the chair of the Senate Judicial Committee, to tell him to get ready as it would be “any minute.”

Lindsey looked at McConnell with a shit-eating grin and said: “How the hell do you know that?” McConnell smirked and chortled, his jowls quivering like a child getting its first taste of ice cream: “I ain’t called the ‘Grim Reaper’ for nothing. And that darling ACB (Amy Coney Barrett) is going to erase RBG; it will be like she never existed.”

Lindsey: “Ha, brilliant Mr. GR. Can I call you GR, since we are getting all “initially” here?  I find myself humming that oldie but goldie from the Jackson 5 “ABC, it’s easy as 123.”

McConnell: Of course, you can. They can call me the Notorious GR. But LG, it’s ACB, not ABC.

Lindsey: Got it Gr, ACB, it’s easy as 1, 2, 3.

McConnell: There you go LG. And look at that little swivel in those hips when you sing it!

Lindsey: Maybe we can send out a joint press release: “The Notorious GR and LG present ABC, oops I mean ACB.”

McConnell: “As the president says: Love, love, love it!

Lindsey: Back to ACB replacing RBG. It’s kind of like DJT erasing the black guy.

McConnell: You mean BHO?

Lindsey: Yeah, that guy. And with ACB we will finally get to fully erase BHO, by having the courts undo Obamacare, or as it is called: the ACA.

McConnell: That will be something to POP open the champagne for.

Lindsey: I can use some bubbly as there this black guy, JH, in South Carolina who is on my tail and I need a bump from the ACB thing. By the way, do we have anything in the hopper to replace the ACA.

McConnell: Umm, think not, but we will think of something. And after we get rid of the AC.A we move on to erase RvsW.

Lindsey: Clever G.R. This initials thing is kind of fun. Makes you think on your feet. And boy, will ACB and Bret, oops, I mean BK and Clarence, gee, messed up again, I mean CT and the others disappear the rights of women to choose. I mean this woman is so anti-abortion that she adopted babies from Haiti, one of those shithole countries.

McConnell: Really, that is something.  I hear they have hand maidens in People of Praise or as it is referred to as POP. This guy Adrian Reimers, a longtime Notre Dame university professor who was one of the group’s original founders, but left the group, said POP believes:

“Women are by nature manipulative. This is one of the effects of Original Sin on them. The wise husband will factor this into his relationship with his wife, recognizing that much of what she does is insincere.”

Lindsey: Wow, take that Me Too. It’s about time we had some pushback on those cancel culture people. And listen to this GR in 2006, she gave a commencement speech at Notre Dame law school in which she told the grads, “Always keep in mind that your legal career is but a means to an end, and…that end is building the kingdom of God.”

McConnell: The Evangelicals are going wild. What irony LG: An amoral president, who, hush, hush, is pro-choice and who is more likely to have read Mein Kampf than the bible, appointing the most pious of people.

Lindsey: Don’t you just love hypocrisy, GR.

McConnell: Whatever it takes to win, LG. Whatever it takes.

Lindsey: I’ll drink to that.

Can it get any more exhausting and demoralizing? Is there a light at the end of this darkness?

There is an election in 6 weeks and Biden’s lead is remained consistent at around 8%. Biden’s beating The Don in every group except men between 45-60.

Even older people, who The Don won by 7% are favoring Biden. Perhaps they woke-up when they realized that The Don’s mishandling of the pandemic sends them the message that he doesn’t care if they live or die. In Florida, a state The Don must win to have a chance at the presidency, people over 65 favor Biden. When people were asked to rank the reasons for their change of heart, the handling of the pandemic was number one, but not being able to take advantage of “Early Bird Specials” was a close second. One responder said: I don’t know if there is a heaven, but I doubt they have “Early Bird Specials,” and frankly, I need to be around when things get back to normal to make up for all the ones I have missed.”

That should bring some hope and relief, right?

But wait, did I hear that right? Did The Don tell us he might not leave the White House? Here is The Don:

“Well, we’ll have to see what happens. You know that. I’ve been complaining very strongly about the ballots. And the ballots are a disaster.”

When asked if he would commit to a peaceful transfer of power, The Don replied:“Get rid of the ballots, and you’ll have a very — you’ll have a very peaceful — there won’t be a transfer, frankly, there’ll be a continuation.”

A continuation?

I hope none of you were surprised. The greatest rigger of them all thinks the election is rigged? Did anyone think that The Don would just walk away from the financial spoils of his kleptocracy, where he gets to live out delusional fantasies of absolute power without a fight?

Let’s go back to GR and LG on this.

McConnell: And one more thing about ACB. I’m sure DTJ made sure if the election gets all tangled up because of this mail-in ballot fraud, that she would be on his side.

Lindsey: I can see DJT sitting her down, looking her over, wondering if there was anyway he could “move on her,” and acting the way he did with Comey when he asked him to back off the Flynn thing.

McConnell: LG, you dirty old man, thinking that DJT was trying to put a move on ACB. But absolutely, I can hear him saying: “I am going to nominate you for the Supreme Court. You will be the youngest ever. Certainly, the most attractive. But you need to do two things for me. First, when the election gets to the court, you will side with me; second, you will vote to erase the ACA. Then you can have a field day with the abortion thing. Deal?

Lindsey: And she says: “I swear on the bible.”

McConnell: Don’t you just love hypocrisy.

Lindsey: Just love, love, love it!

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[wandering-bard-from-the-id]

If you don't think Trump can win re-election, you're not paying attention

I overheard a couple of guys talking and the level of Fox News misinformation they were sharing was staggering.

One was convinced we are going to have a civil war, and he was stock piling food and ammo just in case.

According to him, it is against the law for Muslims to hold office in the US, but the law is being broken by having Muslim Senators in Congress and Obama was a Muslim, so it was illegal for him to be president.

I never did hear which law was being broken.

This man had been speaking with a VA nurse who was stock piling ammo and putting together a team of doctors, medics and others for when the war breaks out.

Now before you say, oh he's just crazy. No, he's convinced himself, or rather Fox News has convinced him he needs to be scared. Cause brown people and white libs are coming for him and his family.

I was not part of the conversation, just listening from a far, but I know these men. They are people I grew up with, and have worked with over the years. And there are many more like them. Before you say, well why didn't you say something, These is no reasoning with them, his buddy tried and every time he tried to point out something might not be true, the other guy dove deeper into the Fox News bullshit box. It has been drilled into their heads that anyone who disagrees is either unaware of the "facts" or is the enemy.

Trump has them eating out of his hand, and they are going to vote for him in 2020. And if he is removed from office before then they are going to lose their shit.

Don't dismiss these folks, they are scared of a GOP created boogyman, and scared people do stupid shit.

[riverdaleroundup]

Riverdale Roundup 20x21: “The Killing of A Sacred Deer”

So Riverdale was on last night. I confirmed did not watch. I couldn’t watch it on my tv and I was far too lazy to get a stream up so like here we are. I go into my PVR to watch it this morning and it’s like “ no information found” and i’m ready to fume but when I pressed on it it still played so it was just god playing a little funny on me. Anyway, when I went on the internet last night people were like shitting their pants about this episode so i’m expecting something good. I’ve got my tea. Lets go.

Apparently I forgot about every single thing that happened last episode because their little recap has me straight shook. Like Reggie shot fangs? In what world?

So the Black Hood rolls up at Cheryl's house fitting to kill her and I’m just down for that. I’ve recently decided to stan Cheryl. I love the villian with a heart of gold. Please see season 1-3 Alex Karev.

So the black hood is coming after Cheryl with a casual axe because he apparently misplaced his gun, and he hacks up her lovely bedroom door. Cheryl goes all hunger games and whips out her bow and arrow and shoots the guy. I mean she could have done us all a favour and killed the guy so we can all move on to greener pastures. Like they aren’t going to drag this shit into season 3 are they? I don’t need another pretty little liars 7 seasons of dealing it, A, or the A team, or charles or whatever that stupid show morphed into.

Cheryl is the most casual girl ever. She just calls up Betty and is like “ yeah so the black hood just tried to kill me and i’m going to go hunt him in the woods. Want to do brunch on saturday?”

So Reggie didn’t shoot Fangs. I mean I guess it makes sense. Reggie was on the ground and Fangs got shot in the stomach so that would have had to have been quite the angle.

Hiram Lodge is like giddy about this whole riot. It's like christmas morning for the little guy.

Betty is uber convinced that her Daddy is the black hood and is worried that someone is going to murder him since Hermione is offering up a casual million dollars for the blackhoods head on a platter, preferably silver. Preferably polished.

So Veronica sees Midges mom wandering on the streets looking coked out as fuck and plot twist she was the one who shot fangs. I mean she thought he murdered her daughter but I mean that evidence is so damn thin.

Reggie is hiding behind a dumpster because bitches are out for him. He calls Mr Lodge and is like “ Daddy help” but Hiram isn’t his daddy anymore. He’s got to deal with this ish on his own.

All the football players + Kevin are out looking for Reggie. They end up at the high school where Sweet Pea and his boys are fitting to burn the place to the ground. Seems a little extreme but SP is cute so I probs would have allowed it.

Principal weatherbee shows up with like a bat or something and is like “ What the fuck? All you skanks better leave rn or i’m flip.” Honestly it’s very Mean girls with the principal and and the bat and i’m honestly surprised he doesn’t send them all to the gym for a seminar on confidence. He will keep them there ALL NIGHT. He can’t keep them past four. He will keep them there till FOUR.

Eventually the gang finds Reggie at Pops and honestly no one should be surprised because there are only ever 3 places anyone could ever be in Riverdale. It’s shocking that Pop had to call Archie to tell him that Reggie was there. They had basically knocked every other possibility off the list.

Betty gets a call from an unknown number and she thinks it’s the black hood, but I mean come on. Her annoying ass ringtone didn’t go off so we all know that it wasn’t going to be BH. It’s FP calling from a pay phone being like  

“ My bitch ass little son is a slithery lil snakey snake and ran off. Is he with you? Also your dad is in the ER.”

Betty promptly gets shook because she knows that Cheryl shot the black hood with an arrow so if Hal is bleeding from the shoulder shit is about to go down.

A bunch of crazies roll up to pops and Archie is pissed that Jughead hasn’t reigned in all his little friends but get shook guys. It’s the Goolies or whatever they’re called. I honestly forgot about them. It seems like decades ago since everyone put on their favourite vintage outfits and went out to watch the street race.

So the football players are trying to barricade the shop and poor pop tate is triggered. The guy has been through enough. Wars. Riots.The whole thing. But he knows how to deal with this ish. They going to lite this place up.

The Goolies are ready to take some names but boom. The Sheriffs cruiser appears out of nowhere and the silver fox fires his gun into the air sending the goolies running.

Hot dads for the win. FP and Keller are everything. Fred is there too but everyone needs a duff.  I would like to make it clear that I audibly out loud said “ yas hot dads unite” before Kevin mentioned anything about the trio. Just want to put that out there.

Betty goes running to the hospital and into her dads room but oops get shook. Hal isn’t there, but Dr Mcstuffins is dead. Poor guy. Asked too many questions. Sounds like every single one of my relatives and neighbours.

The phone beside the hospital bed rings because the black hood just magically knows that Betty has arrived in the room, and he’s like “ listen bitch, it’s past your bedtime. Get your skinny ass home or ima kill your mom. Okay. see you in 10. Byyeeee”

Jughead is brooding at the bar when his phone rings. It’s freaking Alice Jr, Penny Peabody.

She’s all like “ Hey babe. Listen i’m still kind of pissed at you so I kidnapped your girlfriend and was thinking that i’m cut her up into little pieces if you don’t come meet me by the docks.”

Jughead is all like

“Omg no not Betty!”  but Penny is behind on the times and just has Toni. At this point Jughead is just like

“Lol sorry bitch. You’re barking up the wrong tree. Maybe call Cheryl.”

Betty comes home and Alice is just chillin on the couch, enjoying her evening. Betty is like

“ We gotta go right now.”  but Alice already has popcorn on because Hal is going to show them home movies.

So Hal’s real name is Harold? What’s sad is that I find that to be the most shocking part of this. So Hal's dad murdered the conway family because they were sinners? What did these bitches do? Not recycle? So Hal went up to lil janitor before he became big janitor and convinced him that it wasn’t Hals dad who killed the guys family but some rando.

So Pappi Cooper killed Papi blossom and became Pappi Cooper as a cover. Does not make sense to me but okay. I feel like someone would done their ancestry tree and put this ish together but whatever.

So the Conway family knew the truth about this shit and blackmailed the Coopers about it. So those bitches need to die.

Hal has darkness and Betty has got it too so watch out kids. Elizabeth might kill next. I mean she already sent Chic to his death ( maybe)

Hal is like “ say it Betty. Say it out loud” and she’s like “ a vampire” jk. He’s the black hood. BUT there’s another black hood. Are they working together or is this just some random hoe? TBD.

Oh heck BH 2 is attacking Archie! Thank God Fred was there to take the bitch down. BUT makes the fatal mistake of not unmasking the guy when he had the chance.  Fred gets shot AGAIN but thankfully ex Sheriff Hot pants gave him a bulletproof vest.

Alice and Betty are confused about why Hal is telling them all this and why he wants it recorded, and he’s like

“So everyone will understand when we’re gone, or what happened to us” or some bullshit like that. I don’t remember the exact words but it was very menacing. So like is he thinking a double murder suicide type thing or? That’s the vibe i’m getting tbh.

Jughead shows up to the docks and Penny has the Goolie with the heavy eye make up with her. He’s like fitting to taze Jughead but Juggie brought Katniss with him so they Gucci.

Penny just wants to live her life and sell drugs. If they don’t let her do that then the Goolies and the serpents are going to rumble, not a midnight, but at dawn. You know. To keep things fresh.

I forgot about this small fry guy and that he’s coming after the Lodges. Also forgot all about Veronica and Hermione shit talking Hiram while he’s out. So like Hiram is going to expose Freds affair with Hermione but Fred was separated at the time and i’m pretty sure he’s not divorced. So really it was Hermione who was cheating on her spouse. I mean yeah it’s not great for Fred but he wasn’t going against HIS family.

Veronica and Hermione are still fighting when Small Fry breaks down the damn door and is like “ your daddy killed my daddy, prepare to die.”

Hermione is a terrible shot and misses the first 7 times but she gets the bitch eventually.

So Sweet Pea and Jughead are fighting about what to do about the Goolies when FP walks in the tells everyone that Fangs died. The poor baby. They vote about what to do and they decide they’re going to fight the bitches. So I mean, shit it bound to get lit.

Although Alice just found out her no good rotten husband has murdered like a ton of people she can still verbally assault him. GOD HAL YOU ARE SO STUPID.

“Are you going to kill everyone who has ever jay walked?”

And damn, bringing out FP. That cuts deep. Kill it Alice. Oh shit Hal don’t kill Alice! Betty beats him over the head with a fire poker!

FP is stressed! So there are serpent reserves? Who would that be?

So Jughead calls Hiram and is like “ Hey buddy. I know you’re the one making all this shit happen so like let’s make a deal.”

Hiriam comes home and baby boy Andre is dead! He runs upstairs all freaked out that he might have to say rip to his fam but they’re just at the table, waiting for him to come home and clean up the dead body in the study. That’s a blue job.

So Hal is being arrested and Archie is like “ omg he just tried to shoot my dad like 20 mins ago” and Betty acts all shook like she doesn’t already know that there’s another black hood. Pull it together sister.

She gets a call from Jughead and he’s like “ I love you bitch. I ain’t ever going to stop loving you biiiitch” and then he says he’ll see her soon. COULD YOU JUST EXPLAIN YOURSELF REAL QUICK PLEASE?

Oh Hell. Jughead is giving himself over the Penny and the Goolies?  So they’re just going to beat him to death and then murder all the serpents come morning? That seems extreme.

Hiriam took care of the body with the less hot ( but still hot) more crooked sheriff and Veronica is done with his shit.

Oh hell. FP carrying jugheads body? He isn’t dead. The bitch can’t be dead can he? It’s only the second season.  Well damn guys. Guess we’ll have to see.

I’m once again not reading this over because I have things to do today. Thank you and goodbye.

[survivorelara]

Episode #11: “I ain't gonna be a hero anymore” -Sam

Lmaoooo drew is soooo bitter he’s soooooo Mad 😂😂😂😂😂 not my fault that u were kind of a brick wall to talk too!!!! I hate how these entitled bitches think if your not being flashy your not playing the game at all I know I’m probably not gonna win the game but I’m still trying anyways and outlasting these bitter bitches always makes me feel soooo good. I also have an idol in my pocket and like I feel like I got allies to that will listen to me last round I threw John Coffeys name out and he got out I just gotta let the other people do my dirty work but since it’s near the end I am gonna get More aggressive now to make these people feel sorry that they saw me as a goat it’s kinda pretty hard to make a move pre merge when your constantly on the winning tribe tbhhh I’m gonna take Drew’s final words with a grain of salt because he’s soooo wrong LMAO don’t come for me when ur big three placements are shit.

Honestly I don’t hate him tho I’m not trashy enough to hate somebody over a game I always did like drew he’s cool and he was  my first hosting duo buddy but if he rude to me in ponderosa or FTC I’m legit coming for him.

Woo F8. (This is all I have in me at the moment. I have a lot going on right now, and it's more of a me problem than anything else.)

So yeah, I ended up voting in the minority which is a little awkward since ciere is still in the game but I'll survive. I was just tryna save someone close to me and I knew i could trust but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I knew I wasn't going anywhere last vote but it was so important for me cause it was gonna set the whole pace for the rest of my game, and even though things didn't exactly work out, I believe I can recover and still cause some major damage in this game. I tried to play a "real" game, but that's usually pretty difficult to do on a vivor org. The gloves are off now, it's time to play ruthlessly. Who's ready for shit to go down, I ain't gonna be a hero anymore

Everyone is trying their hardest to be on the opposite side of Andrea sort of double-agent-esque without being caught but it's so freaking obvious. Roxy seems to always dance around the idea of voting Andrea, and Drew just blatantly suggested voting someone else even though Andrea is logically the best boot.

NOW that 4-some of Myself, Roxy, Ci'ere, and Drew are supposedly voting Emma at the moment, but it's like... Why? Also I'd rather not considering Emma is probably the least likely on that side to vote me out, which is why I'd rather keep her, as well as she's in my ideal F3 plans almost always given everyone's perception of her.

Kori wants to gun for Drew T. Purrfect! 😺 Drew H. must have some kind of...sixth sense because destroyed us all in that challenge and I thought I did well! When I got to the puzzle, he had already found & solved the entire thing. A beast.

Okay, hello! 👽 Since things have finally died down, for the moment, I’m going to reflect on the happenings of last round & this round. This will probably be an obese confessional with a ton of grammatical errors so, sorry in advance lol. Where do I even begin ASDFG

Kori told me that since Drew H. was immune, we should go for Drew T. & I was down for that. I confirmed this with the rest of the Revatis: Andrea, Emma & Loris. That was the 5 we needed for majority.

However, Sam has a different agenda. Drew T. informs me that Sam is coming after me when I just subtly tried to let him know I wanted to go to the end with him... Kori tells me that Andrea said she wasn’t voting for Drew T. & that’s when I realize things are starting to turn against me. There were already 3 votes on Drew T. (excluding myself) so if I could flip Roxy or Drew H. that would be a majority to save myself. I immediately went to them both & told them that I might be able to secure the votes next round for at least a tie because Kori was interested in flipping. I think I mentioned this previously, but Roxy has been telling me that Drew T has been throwing her under the bus which I confirmed to her to be true. I mention this again to her now to turn her against him. Drew T. then explains that he wants for us to vote Andrea & I’m all for this blindside, but how do I know that he isn’t trying to trick me into splitting so then I would be eliminated instead :O He seemed very genuine about this plan tho in which I felt comfortable.

I make an alliance chat for the four of us & we agree on Andrea, but Roxy seemed to be indifferent about the idea in pms. She doesn’t feel comfortable with giving Drew T. power after he threw her under the bus. I ultimately give her the choice because our votes would make-up a majority & I would be able to place the blame on her for picking Drew hehe. With less than a minute left she decides Drew T. & that was all she wrote.

I believe this move definitely strengthens my relationship with Roxy who seemed kind of like a third wheel to the Drews. Had Drew T. stayed he would’ve assumed Andrea’s position as the person with the most connections & Sam would’ve been in his pocket. I guess Drew H, Roxy & I could’ve countered that, but what’s done is done. Sam has now lost his closest ally & me who had his back, so now he’s tied to Andrea (and Loris apparently).

The vote impacted Heuser negatively because Roxy & I didn’t tell him about it...which was a mistake. He said he “would’ve been okay with doing the other Drew & that was probably our only shot at taking out Andrea”. Maybe we should’ve taken out Andrea because she still has several connections & the Revati idol is still floating around somewhere, ugh. Heuser says he’ll win every single immunity challenge from here on out if that’s what it takes for him to get to the end (and so far he’s on a 2-win streak).

After the votes were revealed, Sam was expecting me to be angry & blow up his pms. Nah. I’m going to give you the Dani treatment because boys can’t stand when you don’t respond to them hehe. I kept my composure & was really cool about the situation which I am SO proud of myself for because usually I’d be popping off on everyone and their mother by now lmao.

Loris admits that he has to vote out people he’s gotten close to & since he’s telling me that, he’s not playing me. He wants to take me to the end. That sounds rad! Another person that thinks they can beat me in the end and will take me there. Loris tells me everything about his day & he’s hilarious. Loris is a f u r r y.

Fast forward to the present day. Right off the bat Kori warns me about Andrea coming after me because I’m “mad & hate her.” I legit hold no hostility against Andrea nor did I give her any reason to think that, so I’m slightly offended she would say that. All I said to her was that we agreed to Drew T., but she sheeped Sam and tried acting like Drew T.’s name never came up... I also asked Sam what happened and tried to guilt trip him just a bit. Sam says that he felt closer to Drew & tried to save him by going for what he thought was the easy vote aka me. Well guess what...I’m still here, binch. You thot wrong. I tried socializing more with Sam for the past couple of days and even subtly hinted to him in my last tribal answer that I wanted to go to the end with him. His loss.

When things get slightly spicy in the tribe chat between Andrea & I, she exposes Kori. Kori says that Andrea implied coming after me, but she says she explicitly said my name and she said she didn’t know. I’m starting to see Kori’s game & maybe he’s not as slick as he thinks. He claims to actually want Drea out, but he’s pulled tricks out in the past & I have my eye on him. Oh & someone told Andrea that there was an alliance made to vote her out. Roxy says Andrea came to her about it too so I presume Heuser went to her about, but I already exposed him to her hehe.

So I gather up my messy peers Heuser, Kori & Roxy forming a squad of Rexhars & Bad Binches. We seem to all want something different & the trust there is severely lacking... Roxy wants to vote Loris, Kori wants Andrea, then there’s Drew and I that pushed for Emma.

Here’s our current plan: We’re all in agreement to at least make this tie. We would like to avoid this though by getting Sam to flip. To accomplish this we’re going to pitch Emma because no one’s connected to her besides Andrea probably. Before that though the other 4 will probably vote together for one of Roxy, Kori or I. After the vote initially ties, we lock in our revotes for Emma & get Sam to realize that he’s putting his own game on the line for her. If he flips then we succeeded with Emma being voted out & we have the numbers for next round. No one would use an idol on her either unless this plan is foolishly leaked. If Sam decides to go to rocks then the odds are still in our favor with Andrea, Loris & Sam drawing against 2 of us. And trust me bby, I’m ready for ROCKS ROCKS ROCKS.

Heuser thinks I’m actively trying to get the other side to vote for me because I would be safe in a rock situation. Of course that’s a perk of my plan, but I’m really just trying to do what’s best for us & it would make the most sense to turn them against me. He also gave me this compliment that I would like to note: “you're amazing with numbers in games, you see layouts really well”

I’m being nice to Sam because I like talking to him and hopefully he won’t try to push for me again. If I shunned him then that would automatically lead to him wanting me out, so it’s time to do damage control for the move he made against me. He says that Andrea and Loris are trying to take each other out. :O Maybe me @’ing Andrea wasn’t such a bad thing after all if it means these two big players take each other out hehe.

HI!!! trIBALS sad and boring and scary bc names are getting thrown and then retracted and I’m gonna fall asleep and then wake up and I’ve gone home??? most likely. Jk I don’t think?? I’ll go??? I love Sam and Emma and Andrea and love ciere ok basically the majority of the cast I don’t have more than 2 f3 deals which statistically means I’d have to betray someone.. no way!! ALSO TWO TRIBALS TIL LEGACY WOOOP WOOOOOP

As the days go by and the number of people start to dwindle, I feel myself becoming more and more ruthless. ever since john left, I had promised everyone in the game I was with them, and even though I betrayed that trust to a certain zosma last round, I still find myself having to cut someone im close to loose. it's incredibly risky, because all these people claim to be loyal to you and wanna go to the end with you, but you gotta cut most of them off so that never happens. so it becomes a game of, am I cutting people that were truthful to me, or keeping the people that are truthful to me. for all I know I could be voting people that do want to keep their word with me, or I could be saving them. i'm just hoping im making the right call.

so right now I do have a f4 in mind that I would like to see happen, and im gonna do what I have to in order to make that happen. obviously like I said before, it means cutting allies loose and pissing people off. but hey, that just makes the game more exciting, it could end up biting me in the ass if i make it to the end, but least im gonna have fun getting there and who knows, maybe i can pull out a win? man we love being the villain.

so the vote started off with this whole andrea vs kori ordeal, which somewhat bothered me since I wanted to go far with them, but I definitely had a preference between the two. now, it seems like it's gonna be an emma vote, which I don't want to happen yet. so I came up with an idea to get numbers on roxy, because I feel I can beat her if we did go to the end, but I don't trust her as much as I do others, and she isn't in my end game plan, so now seems like a good time to cut her loose. plus, everyone knows loris has been after her, so it was mad easy to throw him under the bus so roxy doesn't flip out on me until the moment she gets blindsided. that'll be a fun time, but if this all works out and she goes over emma, then im set for f4 unless I ended up trusting the wrong people. god I hope im making the right choice here.

so after the results of this vote and roxy screams at me, other people like kori are definitely not gonna trust me anymore. but that doesn't matter, because he isn't in my ideal f4 or even f5 scenario. im tryna get ciere back on my side, which I hope is working. he seems like he could be biting, idk if he really has anyone else or not. esp since his name seems to be floating around again and I told him id let him know if it was, so nows my chance to extend an olive branch of trust again

all of this could end up blowing up in my face and getting me voted out, but the thing is in order to win this game, you gotta take risks. and that's what im doing, im taking another massive risk here. I dodged a sniper bullet last round after the ciere vote didn't quite work out, but ive rebounded hard and back in the drivers seat, and it's time for roxy to go just as drew t predicted. man that'll be a fun time for those two in ponderosa!

If just once my game could not depend entirely on these absolute fucking idiots that would be amazing. Only thing i'm waiting for at this point is to leave another alliance chat at 8:01

Well from Ci'ere and Andrea two ideal boots for me to Roxy or Emma two non-ideal boots... this game just knows how to take the most violent of turns.

I guess we'll see if Sam's being even half honest with me if he votes Emma. If he does I think I've got some ideas for moving forward, but we'll see. I just don't know how things are gonna go moving onward, and I just hope this doesn't go to rocks or an idol play that totally isolates or knocks me out of this thing.

I'm also just hoping I don't end up regretting voting Emma instead of someone else.

Tribal sucks. Idk what going on and idk who i wanna ally/work with.

MY ORDER: EMMA SAM LORIS ROXY

CIERE DREW KORI

is how I feel in terms of trust rn w big gap with roxy and ciere~  

but cant have a f5 lmao huh idk i am confused n lost

Vote Emma they said, it's the best thing they said, Roxy agreed to the whole thing but ofc apparently something happened in the last 10 fucking minutes, and she voted for me in some sort of fucked up attempt to save Emma?

I'm pissed to fucking hell, if I have a chance to cut Roxy I'm fucking doing it, this was bullshit and a half. That's assuming I somehow survive this shit. I think Drew is keeping me, and my understanding is Sam is keeping me.

That's 2/6 so I just need 1 of Roxy, Andrea, Loris, or Ci'ere to keep me. Ci'ere might keep me because the odds of Andrea or Loris going are technically good, and Sam isn't a terrible option gone for her, but I don't know if the others would/will, and it's just UGHHHHHHHH

I hate this, and I hate that it ended up being me that was stuck in this situation, though I likely brought it upon myself trying to kinda play all sides and be in the know for this whole thing. I'm just hoping for the best. (Regardless Roxy's a goner if things go the way I hope.)

Well, I did a LOT of scrambling and clawing, and I've got a F3 deal with Loris and Sam, which I honestly think could have been the best deal for me given the circumstances.

Provided nobody flips and Ci'ere, Drew, Sam, and Loris all vote the way they claim they will, I might actually come out of this alive, and hopefully I get a chance for revenge.

If it goes to rocks then ideally it'll be Andrea that goes, but that's a 1/4 chance and probably knowing my luck it won't go that way.

I just hope that everyone's being upfront at the moment, when there's not shot of an idol play there's no reason to lie about which way you're really voting at this point.

im going to cry like fuck this game for a minute.. idc ab it... sam is just too 💗💗😍😍😍💗🏋🏾‍♂️😍😍🏋🏾‍♂️😂🏋🏾‍♂️❤️👀 i love him what a soul. idc ab this stupid revote or anything just going far w him hopefully.

I'm having a very calming moment right now, I'm feeling good about my chances and I think I've overcome this voting situation. Roxy is trying to appeal to my goodside, but the farthest I'll let her go is 6th because if I can take Andrea out first for my own self-assurance I will.

This is just the calm before the storm, it's a storm in my mind, and it's a storm outside, this whole situation has been a storm. Everything is a storm, and I'm gonna ride it to the finish.

Emma is voted out after a 3-3 tie in a 5-1 vote.

[vagrantblvrd]

All the Miles in the Road (1/1)

Summary: There was never a great overreaching plan, not for Geoff.

Notes: I've been kicking the idea of this Leverage-ish AU around for a while now, and this is where it starts??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

AO3

Geoff didn't have a plan as a kid, nothing other than getting out of the town he grew up in as soon as humanly possible.

One of the shortest routes out of there comes with combat boots and weapons training. Meant schlepping down to the recruitment office and slapping a bright, cheerful smile on his face as he listened to the recruiting officer's spiel and signing away years of his life for a chance to make something of himself.

A few months later and he's suffering through boot camp with countless other poor bastards. Meets a few who aren't as jaded as Geoff is, weren't born that way, so they wholeheartedly buy into what their commanding officers are selling them.

Go out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed until they get deployed to a combat zone and realize shit's not as clear-cut as they were told. That in between the black and white world of you're either with us or you're against us, there's a whole hell of a lot of gray, and that's when shit gets rough.

Geoff goes in with his eyes wide open. Sees it coming and still can't do a damn thing about the way life kicks him full in the teeth with all the things he thought he knew. Young and half-convinced he's invincible, so goddamn certain he can handle it just fine.

(He doesn't, but it's nothing a bottle of booze won't fix, blurring the edges a little until it's just this funny little ache poking at him instead of a raw wound, bleeding him dry.)

Geoff doesn't see combat himself, coming into things at just the right/wrong time, but he's there's for the clean-up.

Gets to see fellow soldiers, brothers and sisters in arms,  trudging along and something off in the way they move.

More than a few coming back with thousand-yard stares and the kind of nightmares that wake them screaming. The ones everyone hears but only a few do something about. The ones that follow them home into neat little suburbs and bustling city blocks. Rural farmlands with acre after acre stretching out before them and all those damned memories lodged in their brains, claws in deep.

Geoff gets to see the broken down buildings that used to be a school, a daycare center. Places where kids played and parents talked. Places of business, tattered signs and awnings and broken windows and livelihoods lost, broken and shattered and gone.

And it leaves a mark, all of this. Sharp and jagged and bleeding inside him as he does his duty and serves his country.

Sees all the good they've done here in between all the wrong. Sees the way the politicians who've never seen a day of this pat themselves on the back and declare it a job well done. The way none of them ever see it from the ground themselves until it's been sanitized for the perfect photo opportunity, use all of this to win them votes at home.

When his time's up, Geoff gets the hell out and never looks back. Gets a job for an insurance company an old buddy works at and happily offers to chat Geoff up to his bosses, give him a foot in the door there.

And Geoff, he's at loose ends at the time. Money from the government sitting there for him to build a future with, and nothing in him that wants to reach out and grab it just yet.

So he dresses up in an ill-fitting suit he buys off the rack in a department store because the only things he has in his closet now are old t-shirts and worn hoodies and battered jeans.

Goes into that interview with sweating palms he wipes against the leg of his pants, before standing and shaking hands, smiling just so.

Not too friendly, not too impersonal. Manages to hit this balance of the two that seems to agree with his interviewer because the man gives him a hearty handshake and that leads right into asking him about Geoff's military service. Leaning in with the kind of anticipation that makes Geoff uneasy, but he's young and needs a job, and this could be it.

He plays it off as humble, gives the man just enough to let him fill in the blanks himself. Naming foreign locations he's probably never heard of and will never see. Tells a story here, a story there.

All the while there's this little voice in the back of Geoff's mind, small and angry and helpless saying motherfucker because Geoff's known guys like this all his life.

Grew up with them, the ones who glorified what Geoff and the other soldiers did, what others continue to do.

Holding their service to their country up as some great shining thing like it's honestly as simple as black and white, right and wrong. Who claim to admire and respect what they've done for their country and turn around and don't do a fucking thing to help them when they come home, a little broken, a lot lost, and so wholly in need of help they'll never get.

It's the first sign, but Geoff's young and needs a job and this could be it, or so he tells himself, over and over again until he almost believes it. (Almost.)

========

Geoff spends the next few years busting his ass to reclaim valuable after valuable. Doesn't see it at first, the way the company, his company, fucks over the little guy time after time after time.

Always off gallivanting across the world, miles and miles away from the heart of things, but eventually he notices what’s been going on all these years.

The way they make good use of those loopholes they love so much, fucking artists about it. And he sees other things too, watches them laughing to themselves as they decline this claim, that one, saving the company money and screwing over the everyday person, and that -

It's the beginning of the end, really. (It takes some time, but he gets there.)

========

“Is it worth it, do you think?”

Geoff pulls his attention away from his phone and looks at the fucking kid he's got zip-tied in his hotel room. (Feels like a dirty old man at the way the thought rolls through his head because there's just no good way of spinning that one.)

“Is what worth it?” Geoff asks, hitting send on his text to let his boss knows he got the painting back. “You being a little prick?”

There's this quiet little laugh, and then the kid twists around to face him. Eyes drifting to the painting leaning against the wall for a brief moment.

“What they pay you for,” the kid says, something in his voice that catches. “Running around chasing people like me down to save them money. Is it worth it?”

Geoff sighs, looking at the kid.

Young, so unbelievably young, and he's not jaded, really. Not angry or bitter or cynical, but he's not one to blindly believe everything he sees or hears on television and the radio. An edge to him that Geoff forgets about, time and again when their paths happen to cross.

Sharp, dangerous, in the way it cuts both ways at times.

Smart, clever little bastard with sticky fingers and a talent for getting into places he shouldn't be. For getting his hands on things he has no right touching.

“You want an honest answer?” Geoff asks, and this is him being an honest man, something he feels he hasn't been in a long, long time. “Do you, Gavin?”

Gavin's eyes narrow, and he cocks his head.

“Are you going to give me one?”

Geoff gets up, walks over to the chair he put Gavin in after he finally tracked him down to the hotel the slippery little fucker was staying at. So goddamn clever and perfectly aware of it, delighting in the way people scramble to play catch-up with him over and over again.

Gavin looks up at him, all too aware of his current circumstances and throwing back the kind of fearlessness only the young carry with them.

“No,” Geoff sighs, pulling out a knife to cut the zip-ties. Ignores the way he can feel Gavin watching him oh so carefully as Geoff moves past him to nudge the painting so it's not leaning at an angle, likely to fall over like that and all. “It's not worth it.”

Give it five minutes and there won't be a fucking trace of Gavin anywhere in the hotel. Another five, ten, if Gavin feels like further tempting fate, and he'll be long gone.

No power in the world able to sniff out whatever twisting, winding trail he'll be sure to have laid down to throw off the local law enforcement officers making their way to the hotel looking for him.

When Geoff looks behind him, the chair's empty, curtains to the balcony overlooking the courtyard billowing gently in the wind.

========

Geoff gets awards, gets accolades. Gets promotions and raises and keeps being a good employee, and it eats away at him.

Geoff doesn't handle these kind of cases, clients, no, but he has friends in the company. Cozied up to people who hear what's going on because he doesn't spend that much time in the office. Always chasing down some piece of art or antique, something valuable to the right people, and it pays to keep an ear to the ground in a place like this.

There's a family, kid wasting away from cancer and – Geoff hears from people who won't lift a goddamn finger of their own volition – useless words of sympathy and if only we could do something to help.

He gets his hands on the client's files, does some digging and realizes there is something they can do.

A whole hell of it, actually, but the thing of it is it'll cost the company a pretty penny. All these millions, billions they've made, stand to make, and the treatment this kid needs is barely a drop in the bucket but they’re greedier than he thought, and it’s just one kid, isn’t it?

Sad story that’ll make the rounds before being forgotten all too soon, one among many and people have always had short memories when it comes to these things.

And Geoff -  

“Is it worth it, do you think?”

There's a family out there suffering and no one's doing a goddamn thing to help them, and Geoff's old and tired by now. Seen the way people fuck each other because it's the easiest goddamned thing in the world to do. Half the time you don't even have to lift a finger, just wait and time will take care of things for you.

Geoff has all these passwords and clearances and little bits and pieces of the company invested in him because he's such a good employee.

Even has an office somewhere he never uses where they tell him all those awards and accolades he's bee given over the years hang on the wall in tastefully elegant frames because someone of his standing deserves to have one.

Perfect place to right some of the wrongs he's let slide by him all these years, finally do something right.

Because this kid, their family, they aren’t the only ones the company’s fucking over at the moment. He finds a dozen right off, and when he looks deeper unearths even more.

Geoff gathers up all the parts of him he left scattered behind him over the years and pieces himself back together for one big, beautiful fuck you to his goddamned company.

========

Geoff quits before he can be fired.

Ties up loose ends nice and neat and figures what he needs is a change of scenery, start over somewhere else. He gets himself a nice little condo, decides to take it easy for a bit until he figures out where to go from here.

Finds a quaint little cafe with outdoor seating where he can grab a coffee and catch up on his reading, soak up the sun a bit.

“What do you think of the biscotti here?”

Geoff sighs, and lowers his book.

Gavin's grinning at him, all cheerfully smug with his sunglasses pushed into his hair. Looks like any other twenty-something douche walking the streets around here. Hip and trendy and goddamned annoying.

“No,” Geoff says, because he's not playing whatever little game Gavin's playing. He's out of the business of playing that game. Is just some sad bastard who spends his days reading and drinking overpriced coffee a quaint little cafe. “Go bother someone else.”

He knows there were a lot of people chomping at the bit to get his job for years before he decided to give his old company the finger. Finally had enough of playing stupid, like he hadn't known what they'd do to save money. Plenty of people for Gavin to torment now, lead on wild goose chases and whatever the hell else he does for fun.

Gavin rolls his eyes and waves a waitress over, orders the biscotti and some ridiculous drink, settles back down with his hands folded together over his stomach as he watches Geoff.

There's a little voice in the back of Geoff's head, the dutiful one he hasn't truthfully listened to in years. The one telling him he should do something about the internationally wanted thief sitting across from him with this irritating level of smug coming off him. Little smirk on his face, and so damn certain Geoff's not going to do a damn thing about any of it.

“What do you want?” he asks, because Gavin’s still watching him, tiny little wheels turning in that head of his.

Gavin looks Geoff over, deliberate about it, and smiles.

Small and real, and he waves a hand at Geoff. This little corner of the world he’s calling home these days.

“Worth it?” he asks, as though he doesn’t already know.

“I’m going to call the cops if you keep gloating, you little shit.”

Gavin laughs like he thinks Geoff’s joking, but dials his smugness down a few notches. Pulls out his phone and taps away at it quietly, either planning his next great heist or looking at cat videos, Geoff has no damn clue. Doesn’t care, because it’s not his problem anymore, thank Christ.

Still.

Geoff looks at Gavin, stupid kid who’s too clever for his own good, getting into trouble he shouldn’t because it sounds like fun to him. Keeps coming around to check in on Geoff even though there’s no reason why he should.

Painfully honest for someone in his line of work. (Closest thing to a friend Geoff’s let himself have for a long time.)

Yes, Geoff thinks, because he’s still learning how to be honest with himself. It is.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Czech Republic to Eurovision with an unexpected geographical sight name

Another year, another Czech attempt at a national final that wasn’t televised also BUT this time we got some excitement announcements out of them - even if they were blatantly boring, kind of.

Keep in mind though that I know that the revamp's out, BUT this whole review is just me reviewing the version we all witnessed back when ESCZ hit. The one and only.

So the NF’s here because we saw Mikolas succeed from it the last time (eventhough it’s just a secret internal selection for just the Mikolas’s song and there’s no no denying hihihi), right? And thanks to that we got pseudo-official-but-not-so-official hotel music videos of each contestant’s songs just in case they decide to... like... change it for something different. Like those lyric videos last year. Eventhough they looked so very lowbudget this year, I still liked them to some degree, and eventually I had to witness this one video (set in presumably mostly the living room) where the lead singer confettis all over himself win this year (well not really the video as much as I only got to first hear that song on ESCRadio hahaha). Well, just the lead singer of it. As the buddies were on the other official video (the one I’ll talk about in my revamps update I guess but has anything changed other than the singer singing one of his talking parts?). As a whole the Czech entrants this year are known as Lake Malawi (it exists) and ��Friend of a Friend” is their A-game! Let’s listen!

I liked it ever since my first acknowledgence(??) of it through ESCRadio. It reminded me of those happy-clappy 80s synth sounds (eventhough the 80s songs were mostly about gloom and doom), somehow somewhat mixed in with a bit of that ‘modern’ synthpop sound from the British music scene (Years & Years maybe? Nah that’d be too far-fetched). The lyrics, while cheap enough, at least paint a bit of a picture? I don’t think the person in the song was “making love” to his ‘old’ neighbouress back when she was 13, anyway. She’s, afterall, the “friend of a friend”. Who is a friend of a friend. Who is a friend of a friend. Who is a friend of a friend’s COUSIN~

The thing is that some songs out here are enjoyable besides their lyrical content. Or even without the singer’s background (still looking at those who’re shading Sheppard’s family business - shut up and enjoy “Geronimo” in peace, geez!). I, for example, jammed to RiRi’s “S&M” for my lifetime - yes, even since when it got big, and the pop music was being made to sound trashy, and not like something that sounds too somber and ‘foggy’, and with lyrics from r/im14andthisisdeep, and then later slapped on those a e s t h e t i c moodboards with tulips and liquid (of colour blue/red) splashed onto them to make it loof more effective, and placed in front of a yellow background on a white table. I miss late 2000s-early 2010s pop a whole lot, because at least it had fathomable-to-the-ear hits of the time - cheap, fast food, techno melodies with overproduction and lyrics that actually mean something more intimate and grotesque (with sometimes even hinting to the love surface) - that was the shit. Now it’s just drowsy stuff with blurry melodies and lamentings of lost love and devotion in an equally slurry, pathetic, vocal whine. I’m so tired of it. It’s unsettling. Get it off me. And thankfully, none of that invades this small little bubble of Eurovision’s just as of now (unlike the other pathetic musical cliche of nowadays that’s Soundcloud rap - ‘thanks’ a lot USNK). And I guess I shouldn’t be blessed that Lake Malawi brings this “this bangs but the lyrics are... a choice, but it still bangs so idc” back onto Eurovision? Like, come on, we all have had such kinds of songs like those all of that time. From “I Can’t Go On” (a man being a slut for love???) to countless of national final shlocks made by these usual suspects from rent-a-songwriter corner, ESPECIALLY in the 00s, to some of those actual 00s entries that made it - so stupid to sing along to, yet so infectious you can’t drag your earworm out of your ear canals just now. What does “Friend of a Friend” have for itself? Keyboard melody in the 2nd half of the chorus that is easily stuck in MY head, with a female voice (I assume it’s the song’s protagonist’s subject of speech - the neighbourina herself) reassuring that “[she’s] only [his] friend” - not in a “haha I’m friendzoning you forever >:)” way, but “ehhhh there’s truly nothing between us as he says, we’re just friends, not lovers, don’t give me that look” way. Sure it’s believable, sure. It might as well turn out that these neighbours are indeed doing the same thing as in all those local anecdotes where a family’s mother or father has an affair with a next-door neighbour for shits and giggles to move the joke’s plot forward.

So it is, as a whole, a fun little throwback-ish piece of fine and smooth music, accompanied with the lead singer’s ‘British’ ‘accent’ (aha so this is why I get a lot of British radio vibes from this - not to mention, tropical beach ones too for some reason!), some sort of spoken dialogue, energy and the ability to raise you up from your seat the 45875th time you’re actually giving in to all of this. You know you want to, despite this song possibly not being your cup of tea. But I see you, and I look forward to seeing you bopping to this fully in May, no matter if this isn’t Mikolas you’re dealing with anymore, and no camel spaghetti. Ahw yeah!

Approval factor: Although it’s also slowly wearing off me like it already wore off everyone else back then, I’m still giving it one hell of an approval. Yay!

Follow-up factor: I definitely like it more than “Lie to Me” as well. Somewhat. Honestly. Don’t bash me in secret.

Qualification factor: the naysayers are saying this will flop but imo they’re mostly just upset that Barbora didn’t go (even if they were only still upset back in the say), STILL. Ugh can’t they just leave. I am positive about this song’s chances somewhat, just hoping it gets a really memorable and stand out staging and maybe it will escape this hellhole of its semi. Not very confident, just positive. (Also they rocked the Vidbir stage so hard even the uncomfortable question queen Dramala couldn’t not give in the dance, lolz.)

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

Honestly, the best possible thing that came out of this NF was the oh-so-unexpectedly-expected winner choice, and it is like this because, yet again, people couldn’t get over Barbora losing at first, to which I’m like “to be quite honest, you were all into it because that’s the closest thing to Lana del Rey you’d ever get in Eurovision because Lana herself is American and America should NOT set their foot into ESC... besides, she wouldn’t probably do it anyways”. ESCZ wasn’t pretty bad of a NF honestly:

• people actually laughed at the fact every single video of this NF is so low-budget that it looked like it was all filmed in the same hotel room! (in reality I’m just jealous at the slick-ass hotels they’ve had on there, feels like someone’s house more than a hotel actually)

• Pam Rabbit, one of Mikolas’s last year’s backings, brought the second-best NF song this year imo (Barbora for me is likeable but not to THAT degree, lol calm yer tits), as it was a lowkey bop and I can’t not appreciate one!

(her officially official MV is here but in the spirit of this NF’s, you’re gonna have to subject yourself to this above in order to witness spectacular budget-MVs that happened for this NF especially, come on. Hardly a cool NF without its own little perks!)

• Fine, I’ll bring up Barbora Mochowa too. I gotta say she DOES sound like Queen Bee Lana, same to say on her earlier works which, among them, has one enchanting and haunting forest-like ballad. “True Colors”, her ESCZ entry, is just a pop ballad, which is not THAT bad, it’s just that... did y’all see any more in that song beyond the Lana vocals? Sure sure the melody is pleasant but... did ya?

(Lord alive, she also has a live video for this song on her channel, which is in fact the ESCZ’s unplugged version video!)

• The ex-ESC entrant jury is back for another year! This time though, the votes of all of the participants in it were all up and public (unlike secrety mcsecret ones from 2018 where I’m not even sure if the Eurojury panel was correct), and most of them were #TeamMalawi or #TeamBarbora... up until AWS (yes AWS are relevant enough for their own panel!), being the “wait do we still have to do Eurovision related things??? it’s sooooo 1 year ago already, let us go goddammit!!” type of participants that they are, totally and utterly half-arsing their own experience in there by 12ing Andrea Holá. The thing is that she’s first alphabetically from the artists so that’s probably the best possible theory why. “GIVE ME A HINT, ANDREA!!!”

• The best part? The NF itself taking place in the second floor of an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Czech Republic (Czechia go to hell), in the middle of the day, with no live performances, just that video above played in full motion and some random people speaking in between. Silly of them to leak my ideal NF design location if I ever were a Lithuanian HoD. And yes, it was streamed on Facebook, the platform that I can barely play livestreams on my 11-year-old laptop on, while suspiciously enough, it worked for FiK 56... which meant that I was barely able to grasp a screenshot but I managed!

Well of course I didn’t get to watch much but after someone said Lake Malawi (or, in their words, Lake Malala <333) won, I almost believed it until I found out that the show’s still going... and only saw the thing on the projection screen later out of nowhere. IDK who’s hugging who and if that audience on the right are all the participants then I may have an idea but for now IDK. Ahh, relevant video media being projected on projection screens (duh) <33 giving San Marino, Albania’s Powerpoint scoreboards and Belgian 2013 radio NF runs for their money.

I might find mistakes and off-the-wall blabbers in this write-up later but for now I’ll carelessly submit this beauty to Tumblr today and wish the best of luck to Lake Malawi in Tel Aviv! May you qualify for the 2nd year in a row for CZ ^^

[katalytic]

Raw or Smackdown?

See, if I was not sleep-deprived, this would be an easy answer, and we could go on with our lives after I replied with one or the other. BUT since I got like… two? three? hours of sleep, and I tend to ramble when tired, I’m going to reply to this with A Very Long Post about my (very jumbled) thoughts on each show. Click on the “Read More” to, uh, read more (unless you’re on the mobile app – whoops).

Raw:

Since the brand split, Raw has had this issue where they either pull the trigger on a story line too early OR they let a story line limp to its sad conclusion, thereby ensuring no one gives a fuck by the end of it. However, in the past few weeks (since WWE has been “on the road to Wrestlemania”), they’ve gotten better at letting stories breathe while still adding a couple of new wrinkles to keep things fresh.

Please let this be the start of a trend and not something that stops as soon as Wrestlemania ends.

The Universal Title looks deadass like Lord Zedd from “Power Rangers” after a bedazzling accident.

Raw has my very favorite wrestler, Sami Zayn. Unfortunately, being a Sami Zayn fan right now feels like what it felt like being a Chicago Cubs fan in 2014 – you knew good things were around the corner, but can we see at least two wins strung together? Why Must I Suffer Like This?

Raw also has my other favorite wrestler, Bayley… whose character has suffered since joining the main roster, in my opinion. However, if WWE pulls off the Sasha Banks heel turn and shows how Sasha has slowly been manipulating Bayley this entire time, all will be forgiven.

Sasha Banks returning from her injury and decking Dana Brooke in the face was what cemented my wrestling fandom.

Can we talk about the women’s division, though? Because there are literally only four women they’re using in the division on Raw right now: Charlotte, Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Nia Jax.

Alicia Fox is busy having messy relations with Noam Dar.

Emma became Emmalina for a hot minute before she was “lol nah” and disappeared back into her cocoon or whatever.

Dana Brooke is JUST NOW getting out from under Charlotte’s thumb. This is a story line that should’ve been done ages ago.

Paige’s neck is, like, dead or something.

There are probably other women I’m forgetting because I haven’t seen them, like, ever.

Like, why? Why just these four?

Also, Nia Jax seems like a lovely person in real life, and I dig her in-ring character. But she does entire promos through her nose, and her theme makes me go “(dismissive wanking motion)” every time I hear it.

The first time I ever knew what a Seth Rollins was, he was returning from injury and then screaming at the crowd for cheering him. Iconic.

That’s probably why I didn’t really buy into his whole “yes I am a babyface now” act until he did his in-ring interview about his new knee injury. He just seemed like a snotty brat acting out because Mom and Dad had a new baby to dote on up until that point.

The whole Kevin Owens/Chris Jericho friendship thing went on for way too long but the Festival of Friendship was worth all of it.

Chris Jericho… what a goddamn delight he was this year. I’m going to be sad when he leaves to tour with Fozzy after Wrestlemania.

I’m glad Kevin Owens is being Actually Evil again.

I can’t believe it’s taken them this long to finally figure out Roman Reigns’ sweet spot as a character (tough as nails, dismissive of the old guard, doesn’t really give two shits about the crowd booing him because he knows what he’s about), but I’m glad I’m here to witness it. Now don’t fuck this up.

Because oh lawd before this Roman Reigns’ characterization was… A Mess. The less said about his reign as United States Champion, the better. Let’s all just… agree to forget this happened?

(I still want him to admit that he misses The Shield and that’s why he keeps everything vaguely Shield-like AND why he was so quick to be friends with Seth again.)

The tag team division is another mess. The New Day seem like they’re finally back on track in new IDGAF personas now that they don’t have the weight of the longest championship reign in tag team division history!!11! holding them down. But everyone else? Yikes.

Except, weirdly, Sheamus, who is actually pretty fun now.

Enzo Amore and Big Cass probably suffered the most out of everyone in the tag team division while The New Day were busy making history. (The whole storyline with Rusev and Lana? Let’s never speak of it again.) I used to look forward to them, but now, their music hits, and I stare off into an invisible camera like I’m on “The Office.”

Listen. I appreciate what Stephanie McMahon has done behind the scenes, and I get that her character on “Raw” is supposed to be an asshole. I understand. But I still want someone to hit her with a chair.

Triple H looks like he needs to take a dump. Like, all the time. He has permanent dumpface.

Come back to me, Finn Balor.

SmackDown:

SmackDown, to me, has been the more coherent and consistent of the two brands since the brand split. I think that the one thing that people were touting as its detriment at the start of the brand split – the smaller roster – actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Less characters means less working parts you have to shuffle around for stories to work.

Of course, the smaller roster means that you had the same four dudes vying for championships at the start of the brand split, but to the writers’ credit, they’ve been expanding that pool a bit.

The Randy Orton/Bray Wyatt story line. I mean, fucking hell. Did anyone expect it to be, like, good? Who knew Orton getting his head split open like an overripe melon during SummerSlam would lead to this? Shout out to everyone involved for being completely invested in it and taking even the most ridiculous parts of the story deadly seriously, because any sort of wink and nod to the audience would ruin it.

The Miz is the greatest heel on either brand, and it’s not even close. He even got me to feel sorry for Dolph Ziggler for a minute, there. Genius.

I know a lot of people still don’t like John Cena, and after watching older episodes of Raw and SmackDown on WWE Network, I can understand why. But the Meta Cena of this past year is the best version of John Cena possibly ever. 

Also, Nikki Bella coming out to save Cena three weeks in a row makes my heart flutter. LOVE IS REAL.

The women’s division needs more women, but at least they’re using everyone in the division.

I would vote Alexa Bliss as WWE Rookie of the Year if there was such an award. (Is there such an award?) Yeah, she’s still green in the ring, but her character work has been fantastic to watch. A sneaky-good NXT callup.

The tag team division is a mess on this show, as well. American Alpha won the titles and then went a month without having to defend them. That’s how much of an afterthought the division has been.

Hopefully, the Usos winning the titles last night will help. Their heel turn has been one of the few bright spots in the entire division this year, so I’m hoping that’ll help elevate things.

Dean Ambrose growing a beard was a significant highlight for WWE this year, as far as I’m concerned. Now he doesn’t look like a baby with a combover anymore.

AJ Styles is probably one of my favorite characters in WWE right now. He’s like the Cool Old Guy crossed with the Only Sane Man who’s also Wrong Genre Savvy. Like, he’s the one dude on this show who sees it as an actual athletic competition and cannot comprehend the chicanery that surrounds him.

Take him calling out Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon for giving Randy Orton a match against him to be in the main event at Wrestlemania. Yes, on LITERALLY ANY OTHER SHOW, he would be completely right about how COMMITTING ARSON should not somehow grant Randy Orton a chance to be anywhere else other than jail. But he doesn’t realize he’s on a TV show about a wrestling show. Like, you shared a locker room with a an undead zombie wrestler AND a mystical cult leader, both of whom can teleport, my guy. That’s fine, but arson – ARSON is where you draw the line. Okay, buddy.

And then, when he sort of figures out that, hey, the rules of the outside world don’t matter on this show, he manages to break the ONE RULE he shouldn’t have: attacking a McMahon. And he still gets kind of rewarded for it (if you think having to carry Shane McMahon through a match where he is guaranteed to attempt to destroy himself at least once is a reward – which, honestly, it is, in WWE-land).

After all this, you’re probably wondering “So… Raw or SmackDown?” tl;dr: Raw has more of my favorite wrestlers, but SmackDown has the story lines I’m more invested in.