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clonemedickix · 1 year

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Again, sorry. Coping in the medical field is one of the hardest things to quantify, explain or manage. We often develop weird coping mechanisms and lone wolf tendencies. People struggle to understand our level of weird, while we struggle to maintain our sanity. I hope this is just a small glimpse into the mind of a good medic who can’t save everyone, but still cares deeply about continuing the fight.

Rating: M

Word count: 2.9K

Pairing: OC CMO Volte x OC General Lara Lin x OC Aurelia (by permission of @freesia-writes )

Warnings: Surgically assisted birth, coping with life risk, medical coping with reality of trauma and loss, discussing the feels

Excerpt Summary - Lara and Volte are required to deliver a child surgically; Volte has a flashback to times when he couldn’t save everyone and has a moment, struggling to cope.

@anxiouspineapple99 @blueink-bluesoul @523rdrebel @mandos-mind-trick @jediknightjana @moonlightwarriorqueen @wizardofrozz @lune-de-miel-au-paradis @dystopicjumpsuit @villanousace

Excerpt beneath the line

About six months into the girl’s pregnancy, Lara had noted her fiddling with her socks and boots, complaining how tight they were, and that her ankles were swelling up daily. Sliding over near her, Lara asked her how she’d been feeling, if she was excited about the coming baby. The girl, named Rhaela, chattered on in happiness about her preparations, how they’d made clothes and furniture for the baby, how excited Falco was about becoming a father. Lara listened to her with a smile, but with rising concern, which turned to fear when she heard Rhaela complain about the frequent headaches she was getting. Hearing her complaints, Lara realized they were symptoms of a concerning pregnancy related condition - at the very least it was gestational hypertension, but was most likely preeclampsia. She would need to talk to Volte and Aurelia as soon as possible about treatment plans for Rhaela; there wasn’t much to offer really - no antihypertensives, no hospital to stash her in until delivery. She would be much like the millions of human women that had gone before her, doing their best to survive high risk pregnancies.

In the end, Lara’s fears came true. Rhaela went into labor and struggled to deliver her child. As the birth progressed, she was unable to bring the child out, not matter what techniques she and Volte used. Lara found herself looking at Volte silently, full of dread and knowledge. In a small lull, while Rhaela rested, Falco holding her hand desperately, his face full of concern, Lara and Volte consulted in the corner of the small home, Aurelia listening without a word.

“She’s not going to be able to deliver that baby, Volte,” Lara said softly.

“So what do you propose we do, General?” Volte’s tone was laced with desperation and unhappiness. He knew instinctively where this was going, and his heart hurt at the knowledge, the risks they were faced with taking.

“If we do a section, we can probably save the baby. It’s full term, and should be fine. But I’m not sure if we can save them both. The meds we have will depress the baby’s breathing and heart rate as well - we absolutely can’t go cutting on her without giving her pain meds. So, we won’t have much time to get the baby out.” Lara’s fine brows were drawn together in thought and distraction. “What do you think, Volte?”

Volte looked disturbed that she was deferring the decision to him. He gawped a little in surprise and panic. “I…I don’t know, General! You’ve done this before - I haven’t.”

Lara looked at him a little flatly. “If you’re going to be the doctor for this community, these decisions will come up. Even the best docs on Earth still struggle with this at times.” She glanced over at Rhaela, who was napping fitfully. “We have to ask Rhaela what she wants. While she sleeps, we can get stuff ready.” She looked up at Aurelia a little sharply, focused now on a task that they could accomplish. “Rely, go get the med packs and the IV equipment. The surgical packs are labeled as such. Bring those as well as the airway pack. Can you get it all?”

“I can get Howzer to help me. I’ll be right back!” Aurelia turned and ran from the home quickly, on a mission to get the equipment back as soon as possible.

Lara stepped over to Rhaela and Falco; reaching out she took the young woman’s wrist in her hand and felt her pulse, then glanced at the fetal heart rate monitor to see how the baby was doing. The signs were okay for now - both mother and child were resting for a moment. Falco stared at Lara’s face, fear hiding in the depths of his brown eyes. He could sense the General wasn’t happy with how the delivery was going. Rhaela stirred, waking groggily and looking up at Lara and her husband. Taking a breath, Lara braced herself for the conversation that had to happen now.

“Rhaela, we are having some trouble bringing the baby along. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to deliver without help.” Falco’s eyes hardened.

“What kind of help?,” he asked guardedly.

“Surgical help. We’ve reached the point where we have to make a choice. I can surgically open the womb and get the baby out, or both mother and child will likely die in the attempt to have the baby naturally.” Lara’s expression was as flat as she could make it, looking into both parent’s eyes. They both looked taken aback, slapped by the cold hand of reality and dread. “Before you make your choice, you have to know - there is a large chance that Rhaela could die. This surgery is not without risks. The bleeding associated is usually bad, and I can’t make you any guarantees, other than if we do nothing, you will certainly die. And the child.” Lara’s eyes were full of regret, that she couldn’t do more for them.

Rhaela and Falco looked at each other, seeing that the writing on the walls was dark and unhappy. Tears came to both their eyes, along with a mixture of physical pain; the contractions were starting to return. Lara reached out and took Rhaela’s hand, saying nothing, but offering her presence as support. The girl took a deep breath, leaned over into Falco’s chest and cried softly. Falco held her like he was trying to force the strength from his own body into hers. Looking up at Lara, he whispered, “There’s no other way?”

Lara shook her head sadly.

Tears fell from Falco’s eyes, and he closed them, holding Rhaela tightly. After a moment, Rhaela looked at Lara and took a breath. “Do it, General. I know you’ll do your best. You and Volte can do anything, I know it.”

The words touched Lara’s soul, and she couldn’t stop a rim of tears from filling her eyes. Squeezing Rhaela’s hand, she gave her a bracing smile, nodded and stood. Aurelia and Howzer walked into the home carrying the supply bags at that moment. Aurelia was focused, moving to place them on the table and already opening the compartments, knowing exactly what she was after. Howzer glanced over at Falco briefly, his face full of uncomfortable sadness for the couple, but unsure what his place was, or how to be of use in this situation. Lara looked up at the captain and said quickly, “Howzer, please go find Turk, Dorian and Primer - ask them to come here. I’m going to need their help. Be quick, please.” Her tone was a professional command and brooked no argument. Howzer hurried from the home to do as ordered.

Lara and Volte worked quickly to get the room set up for the procedure, laying out the items and sterile packs they would need. She and Volte would do the surgery, while Aurelia kept Rhaela medicated and sedated, and Lara planned to have Turk and Dorian help with her airway and the baby when delivered. Primer she needed to support Falco. She wouldn’t ask him to leave his wife and child, but she wasn’t going to have him there alone if the worst occurred. The men soon turned up as requested, and Lara explained their roles to them. They nodded solemnly and immediately got themselves in the proper mindset for the challenge ahead.

Aurelia got an IV started on Rhaela and the fluids hooked up without issue. Lara drew up the appropriate doses of meds to sedate the young woman, and to keep her under for the surgery. “Rely, these are good for the first few rounds of the induction, but you’ll probably have to draw up a few more doses from the vials.” Aurelia nodded succinctly. She knew her job. She helped get Rhaela settled in her bed with some protective sheeting beneath her to catch blood and fluids, and then washed up quickly, returning to the girl’s bedside to don gloves. Lara got everyone masked up and to their places, then nodded to Aurelia to push the first doses of sedation and pain medication. Looking into Rhaela’s eyes, Lara did her best to assure the brave girl as her green eyes started to get glassy with sleep and medications.

Once she was deeply under with the versed and fentanyl on board, Lara had Rely push a new medication - rocuronium - to temporarily paralyze the mother’s muscles and have her relaxed enough to allow a medical airway to be placed. Lara picked up her laryngoscope quickly, positioned herself behind Rhaela’s head, opened her mouth with her right hand, and inserted the blade of the laryngoscope to push the girl’s tongue out of the way and expose her vocal cords to Lara’s sight. She inserted the endotracheal tube with practiced ease, and removed the stylet within, attaching an AMBU bag to the end of the tube with one hand and skills long learned. Watching for chest rise, she saw Rely quickly listen with a stethoscope for breath sounds or gastric gurgling, but the girl glanced up at Lara with a confirming nod. The tube was in place correctly. Lara moved to tape it securely to Rhaela’s mouth and cheek, then handed monitoring of the airway and respiration to Turk. She and Volte washed up and opened the sterile surgical trays and equipment, Lara donning a sterile gown and gloves and setting the field up with Volte’s help. When she was done, he did the same, getting dressed for the procedure and stepping up to Rhaela’s side. The two surgeons looked at each other, took a breath and nodded.

“Okay for a quick time out, team. We are going to do this c-section on Rhaela because we’re out of options to deliver naturally. Turk, you have the airway. Dorian, for now you are waiting to catch the baby. Aurelia, you are in charge of monitoring the vitals and administering the meds. Volte - you got any questions?” Volte shook his head. “Okay, I’ll make the first incision.” Lara reached over to the table and removed a scalpel, placing her left hand on Rhaela’s abdomen, pulling the skin back slightly, and at the base of her uterus at the pubic line, made a cut about six inches long. Volte quickly dabbed at the welling blood with gauze.

Lara worked swiftly to get through the layers of tissues, avoiding important structures carefully until she could see the outer surface of the uterus. Looking up quickly at Dorian, she said, “You ready D? Two minutes to having this baby out.”

“I’m ready General,” he said quickly, poised with a couple of clean blankets, ready to accept the child from Volte, who would hand it off to Dorian.

“Okay here we go.” Lara quickly cut into the uterus, working to avoid going too deeply; she didn’t want to accidentally nick the baby. She carefully stretched the incision, trying to avoid making it too big; there was benefit to leaving the incision slightly tight so as to squeeze the infant’s lungs of amniotic fluid and mimic the passage through the birth canal. She felt for the little head and got her fingers around and under it, directing it to the incision she’d made and gently pulling it out. She and Volte paused for a moment to clean the field of all the amniotic fluid and blood present, and then Lara reached back into Rhaela’s womb to grasp the child’s shoulder. Lifting it towards the opening, she worked first one and then the other free, feeling the body slide more quickly now from its former home of nine months. Lara lifted the infant’s body free of Rhaela and placed it on the sterile field, over the gap between her legs, working with Volte to clamp and cut the umbilical cord and clean the surgical field again of blood. Free of his mother’s womb and the placenta now, Volte quickly handed the newborn over to Dorian, who enfolded the boy in the warm, clean blankets and quickly stepped over to another table to work at waking the baby up, vigorously wiping at the vernix covering his skin, stimulating him until the baby let out a breathtaking, loud squawk. Internally, both Lara and Volte sighed with relief at the sound, but were working quickly to get Rhaela’s c-section finished and her sewed back up.

Lara reached once more into her womb to deliver the placenta. She placed it on the sterile field as she had the baby, and Volte quickly assessed it for completeness, nodding to Lara when he checked it. “Complete, General.”

“Good. Good, good, good,” Lara breathed. She worked to clean Rhaela’s uterus out as best she could, irrigating and scraping it clean of any remnants of birth so there would be minimal risk of infection after. When she was satisfied, she started working to sew up the incision site, which required multiple layers of sutures. Satisfied that the uterus was no longer bleeding, Lara started working on closing Rhaela’s abdomen back up, and they finished when Volte put in the final sutures and staples. They wiped her belly clean, watching it for any last oozing, and then took deep breaths out of relief. Aurelia looked up at them with a smile that spoke volumes of her own happiness at their apparent success, and pride in what their small team had accomplished. Falco had gone over to meet and hold his new son, Dorian handing the baby off to the new father with a happy smile for his teammate. Primer had watched the whole affair with a look of silent concern and solemnity, and he only broke into a smile when he saw Lara stand to her full height, stretching her shoulders and letting out the tense breath she’d been holding the entire time.

Lara glanced over at her first in command, their eyes meeting quietly. He gave her a little one sided smile of pride and congratulations, and Lara smiled back beneath her mask. Then she looked at Volte. The medic looked strangely… distracted, even a little shattered for some reason. Like he was looking at a scene of devastation and not success. Lara’s brows knit a little in confusion and she reached over to him, touching his arm softly. “Volte? You okay?” His eyes snapped up to hers suddenly, as if his mind had been far away.

“I’m fine, General. Good work. We did good work.” He tried to make his words sound strong and sure, but Lara could hear a faint note of confusion still there, like he was lost in a memory he couldn’t shake.

“Help me get all this taken down and scrub out. Go get some air.” Lara felt concern for him, but wasn’t sure what was wrong. He did as she’d directed, getting all of the instruments back to their tray, helping her break down the sterile field and clean up from their work. Volte stripped off his gloves, gown and mask and then left the home almost as if chased by ghosts. Even Primer watched him go with a look of concern. Primer met Lara’s eyes, full of questions for Volte’s behavior. Lara shrugged and shook her head - she wasn’t sure what was wrong, but she had two patients to attend to at the moment and couldn’t do anything about Volte.

She quickly checked the baby and the mother over, assuring both herself and Falco that they were doing well. Aurelia and Turk sat with Rhaela for a while longer, monitoring her vitals and maintaining her airway. By the time Lara was finished with her work in the little home, Rhaela was breathing on her own and seemed to be stable. Lara ordered Turk to remove the breathing tube, and remained to watch the girl, making sure she continued breathing independently a bit longer. Aurelia looked up to Lara and said, “Go after Volte. I’ll stay until she wakes up.”

Lara looked at Aurelia gratefully, reached over and squeezed her shoulder, and turned to leave. Primer stepped over to her quickly, following her out the door. “Do you need me to go with you to find him?”

Lara shook her head. “I’ve got it. I don’t think this talk will follow a path you know much about. But thanks. Watch over them for me and if Rely needs something, come get me pronto, okay?”

Primer stopped walking and called to Lara’s retreating form, “Will do, General.” He watched her for a minute longer, the pride he felt in her swelling for a moment, then he turned and walked back to Falco’s home in silence.

Lara found Volte sitting on her little hill, listening to the waves. His eyes were distant and his mind was far away, tears falling softly down his cheeks. She studied him in profile for a moment; he didn’t even acknowledge that he’d noticed her, he was so distracted. Lara pursed her lips a bit and moved to sit next to him without a word. He’d come back eventually, and she would be here when he was ready to talk. It was well over an hour though, before she felt him take a deep breath, hesitate, and then reach for words.

“Sorry, General, I just kind of… lost myself there for a minute.” To be honest, he still sounded rather lost, Lara thought quietly. She looked over at him from the side, her blue eyes studying him silently. Lara waited for Volte to make the next move.

Volte saw her watching him patiently, and sighed. “You ever have those moments, when you wonder if you did everything you could for someone you didn’t manage to save?”

Oh, so many, Lara thought to herself quietly. She looked off, over the waves before them, losing herself in the question and a swell of memories. “We all have those moments, Volte. The frustration of loss, of not being able to best Death - every medical person faces that at some point, if not multiple times. It’s a sign that you’re a good one, someone who cares.” She met his eyes firmly, trying to convey the depth of her meaning.

Volte nodded as if she’d verified something to be right, that he’d been thinking. He looked down at the grass and pulled a blade, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger, focusing on it as if it were the most fascinating thing he’d seen in a long time. After a long pause, he said a little haltingly, “I know we didn’t lose this time, but when we were sewing her up, I suddenly remembered the face of another person, from the war. She was a citizen on Falucia, and had taken a bad shrapnel wound to the gut. She was bleeding to death, right there in front of me, and her husband was there, begging me to save her. She was pregnant, probably close to her due date. And I just remembered his voice as he pleaded with me, to save her life. To save the child.” Volte stopped, his mind working to deal with the flooding memories. “I couldn’t save either of them. I had no idea, no training, on how to deliver a child.” It had never come up in either conversation or education. It wasn’t something the GAR thought a combat medic would ever need, nor should waste money and time on teaching. “I watched her life drain away, knowing her baby was dying too, and could do nothing, but hold her hand, while her husband grieved beside her. I felt so helpless, so useless.” He bowed his head, bringing his hands up to cover his face, breathing deeply to steady himself.

Lara listened patiently; Volte had to tell the story himself, let the grief roll through him so he could address it properly. She watched as he came to grips with the truths of his past self, and where he’d come to now. The truth was, there were no better teachers than time and experience. And he was right - why would the Kaminoans have trained him for obstetrics? They weren’t bred for community health work - the GAR medics existed to put their brothers back together and keep them fighting. But Lara knew after her long years of life, that the bitterness of helpless loss could still rise up to choke a good medic regardless of the reality of their situation. There were times when she’d watched good people die in her arms, because the technology didn’t exist yet for her to help them.

The two sat in silence for a while, letting the sounds of nature wash over them. “Sorry I let it get to me back there, General. Seems kind of silly now, since the whole operation went so well.” Volte looked over at Lara with a slightly sheepish grin.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Every medical person I’ve ever met is haunted, Volte. Our ghosts follow us around, reminding us of what might have been if we could only just take that extra step, find that miracle cure, have the right equipment. I’ll be honest - the ghosts only multiply when you start working with children.” She stole a glance at him, seeing if he was following. Volte wore a look of foreboding, hearing her say that. Lara shrugged a little. “Adults have lived their lives, made mistakes, learned, experienced, while kids have their whole future ahead of them. Losing a child is like seeing someone completely robbed of everything they might be, stealing someone from the future that might have cured cancer or solved the greatest problem known to life. Plus, there’s the parents who brought that child into the world out of their love for each other. Children are hard. But man they’re brave. Holy shit, Volte, they’re the bravest patients you will ever know.”

Lara looked hard into his eyes, and he saw for a moment that there were tears in hers. “They will fight and fight and fight, having no idea what life really is, whether it will be rewarding or continued pain for them, but they don’t give up. The struggle I’ve seen them shoulder - children carry the weight of the world and don’t even know it, but yet they do it gladly, with an excitement no adult will ever get back. Those kids on Earth that I take care of on ECMO - they push Death back every day, playing with the medical staff, doing their therapy with a giant hose in their necks, strapped to their head, or coming out of their chest, and yet - THEY STILL FIGHT!” Lara stopped, her face truly awed at the memory of some of her patients. “I’ve seen a lot of death and suffering in my time, but no warrior I’ve ever met can equal the spirit of a child fighting for their life. It’s a strength only they possess and can tap into.”

Lara shook her head, looking down at the grass. A dark look crossed her face momentarily. “But when they run out of that strength, when we lose them no matter how valiantly they fought, it’s the most soul crushing thing to experience. And once they cross that veil, Volte, when you know they’ve turned away and you can’t get them back - you would do anything, ANYTHING, if you could just reach out and grab their hand, keep them with you.” Her eyes misted over a bit, seeing a memory from another time. “I’ll never forget the sound of a mother when her little boy let go. She howled - howled - with grief, a torn sound from the bottom of her soul. She pleaded for him to come back, because she knew - he’d crossed that divide. He’d turned away, and there was no coming back.”

Lara stopped for a long moment, tears silently falling down her cheeks. “The sound of her pain and loss will never leave me. Just like that lady on Falucia will never leave you. You will face loss, Volte; it’s just the reality of being a medical officer. We cannot win every time. And for every success, it seems you pay in the blood of another. But you can’t give up - you’re invaluable to Nidhogg, to your brothers and their families. You can’t let the ghosts stop you from saving others. We take the pain and the risk, challenge Death at every turn, fight back against the darkness, so that others might live. Ut alii vivant. Fighting and sacrifice was what you and I were made for. We were given strength, determination and stamina so that we could face both loss and victory in equal measure and continue on. You are courageous enough to keep going, even in the face of failure - it’s that tenacity and flame I saw in you the first day, that made me choose you for Dragon Company. And why I know without a doubt, that you will be the best physician I’ve ever known.” Lara put her hand on his shoulder and smiled at him proudly. “I won’t always be here to help. But I KNOW this colony - these people - are in the best hands.”

Her smile for him was firm and determined, sure in her words. She believed in Volte completely, and he could feel it. Volte looked down at the ground for a moment, absorbing all she’d told him. It was a daunting thing, looking to the future and knowing he would have to step up and make all the decisions himself sooner than later. Lara was right - she wouldn’t always be here to hold his hand. But knowing that she was behind him in thought and spirit, knowing she believed in him utterly - that meant so much to him. He could do his job, knowing he had her support and faith. Volte met his General’s eyes steadily and nodded, a small shy smirk forming on his face. “Thanks, General. For everything.” She gave him a small smirk back and nodded, then turned away to watch the gulls flying over the water before them. The two sat in companionable silence for a long time, two best friends bonded by mutual experience, mission and their ghosts.

#worksbyclonemedickix #OC General Lara Lin #OC CMO Volte #OC Captain Volte #starwars fandom #the clone wars fanfiction #my fanfiction #the clone wars #star wars #starwars the clone wars #the clone wars fan #the clones

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