#look I've heard people use the term “OBSESSED WITH THIS LINE” before but I never felt it so personally and literally and viscerally

[inbarfink]

Cinematic Parallels

[bonefall]

What is Lion/Jay/Holly's relationship with Bramble like pre-reveal (it wont let me put a question mark pretend theres one here) I can't imagine them having a good relationship even before he stops being their father.

Similar to canon, BB!Brambleclaw wasn't a great father. I like him a lot as a character, his ego fascinates me.

Jayfeather

Of all his siblings, I think Jay was the 'wisest' in regards to Bramble. He kinda saw his reaction coming, or, was the least surprised by it. Probably because Bramble was never as prideful about him as he was about his two young prodigies.

All Jay's life, people are coming up with their ideas of him and refusing to let him change their minds. Brambleclaw was no different. Jaykit becomes Jaypaw, training under grunckle Longtail to become Jayfang, and then eventually earning an Honor Title as Jayfeather. At no point in this process did Brambleclaw stick up for him, in fact, Longtail filled that role more than Bramble did.

Longtail was the one who fought for him, challenged him when he was repeating the Clan's tune, taught him that his limits are drawn by HIS body, not where everyone else says they are. Brambleclaw...

He wasn't distant but he wasn't present in that process, either. He rarely talks about Jay as an individual-- he's spoken about in terms of the other two 'looking out' for him. He let him wander in the safe beech patch just above the camp with Poppykit when he was old enough, but Squilf was equally involved in that decision.

Forgotten middle child energy. Brambleclaw could be approached but rarely went out of his way for Jay. He could be a source of comfort but they weren't close. It didn't make the public disowning hurt any less, though.

Lionblaze

He was so proud to be Brambleclaw's son. Lionblaze adored both of his parents, all he ever wanted to do was to make them happy. There was a time where he felt like the strength in his claws was because of his blood in his veins.

Then he was given to Ashfur as an apprentice.

He was BRUTAL. Lionpaw knew he had a lot of potential to live up to, but he didn't know that training would be this hard and painful. He didn't know that what was happening to him wasn't normal... and Brambleclaw was the only one who had been told about it.

He did nothing. Ashfur had "explained everything" to him, buttered him up about how Strong his son was, how Proud he should be, how much like him Lionpaw was turning out. When he heard the same story again from the perspective of Lionpaw and Hollypaw, he ended up shrugging it off.

Lionpaw walked away thinking that you're supposed to suffer for strength. Not even that he "deserved" to suffer; no, he thinks that you don't have gain without pain. This is an expected part of life, and one day, he will be the very strongest in ThunderClan.

Going to the Tribe later taught him something else; that the point of strength is using it to protect others. So if you must suffer to be strong, and being strong means giving that to other people... what's left for you?

When Brambleclaw disowned them, Lionblaze IMMEDIATELY realized that this is why Squirrelflight lied. To protect him. he's obsessed with this, protecting his Clan. His love and respect for Brambleclaw soured with pain. If he has any left for Brambleclaw, it's hidden deep down.

He HAS no father. He has a mother. He looks Brambleclaw in the eyes and spits, "That's all I've ever had."

Hollyleaf

She was always the most promising of the Three. Apprentice of the deputy Brackenfur, Firestar's honored grandchild, daughter of two members of the Sundrown Patrol. Holly was forging alliances in other Clans as soon as she'd changed her career path.

She was very close to Brambleclaw. He spoke very highly of Holly and Lion, always seemed to 'have their backs,' at least in Holly's eyes. He used to tell her that she had to be an example for her brothers, and help him keep them in line.

And that extended to Lionpaw's Abuse. She learned it is necessary to hurt the ones you love to protect them in the future. She was taught that she is the most mature of her siblings and is therefore responsible for them.

He turned on her just like he turned on her brothers, but she was quick to accept this, turning her hatred on Leafpool and Squirrelflight. No more lies, no more Codebreakers.

After her 100-year-long timeout, she was shocked to come back to Bramblestar being the only one being petty. At first she was even a bit relieved, believing that at LEAST he was still holding her accountable for her horrible deeds in Cruel Season. That would have been cathartic-- it's nothing compared to what she did to the Kinships of the Lake, but it's some consequences from a living cat. Any consequences.

But... it's not about anything she did wrong. She stepped out of the tunnels to living, weeping family who missed her as much as she missed them. Their actions are based on love and yearning. Bramble's are just based on being fucking mad at his ex-wife.

Everyone thought she was dead and he can't take a break from giving Squirrelflight the Cold Shoulder long enough to welcome his daughter back like a father would. His greeting is the same as any other leader welcoming a warrior back after they've been gone for a while.

But, hey, if she's disappointed at him it's a nice break from being disappointed at herself. It's nice to care about these sorts of things again, and besides, she has crunchy leaves to step on with her CORPOREAL BODY. It's so nice to have MASS again

[thebigbidea]

Media I've obsessed over throughout the years!!

2010-2019: My Little Pony: FIM

Was definitely my favorite show. I still love that show sm. Definitely has the most active fan base of them all. Making art for this show definitely inspired me to be the artist i am now. -- This show rased me, and raised me good. The older fandom is questionable, there's definitely some generational trama given to us Gen Z by them, but it was a very pro-lgbt space, and i loved this so sm.

Favorite character then: Fluttershy / Now: Trixie

2017-2021: DuckTales!! (Woo-hoo)

Always kinned Louie, and always will. I mean hell, i named my first MLP OC after Lena!! -- I really loved the episodes Quack Pack and GlomTales! (the latter if wich being because is was A. it Louie centered episode, and B. he proved to his mother that his scamming isn't all bad which i was proud of him for). I think i loved him sm just bc, well one, my favorite color has always been green, but two he's so relatable. Like the episode where he wasn't so sure and up to the idea of Della suddenly coming back and being his mom when he'd never even spoke to her once was just so good. Now i can look back and see how it was relatable, but even then when i didn't know what ik now i found him to be the most logical person in that situation.

Favorite character then: Louie (maybe i liked Lena a lot too?) Now: Louie

2019-2023: The Owl House

When MLP ended, this was the show that came in and swooped me up. As of writing, the shows only been officially over for about an hour. And while yes, DuckTales was there when MLP ended, it still definitely made me feel like something was missing. It did take about a season for me to realize TOH was filling that feeling but it got there. This show has probably effected me about as much as MLP. Like through the episode “Lost in Language”, apon watching some reviews and theories on the episode, i found out Luz was bisexual. At the time i hadn't really heard the term b4, but only about a day of finding it out, i was already comfortable going by it! It just fit too well!! I also got my preferred name/s from Emira and Edric!! Sigh, i could write sm about TOH since it literally just ended, but i don't want to be here all day.

Favorite character then: Hunter, Now: The Collector. // Kinnie: Edric and Emira all the way, baby.

2023-???: Welcome Home! @:3

And now we're here. I already know this will be the thing i obsess over for the next 3-4 years, i can smell it. If things wrap up before 2026, i know the fandom will still be alive. Like idk maybe I'll laugh at my naivete in like two years rereading this post but come on!! Everything lines up way too well!! When MLP ended, TOH was there. Not TOH is ending and, oh, what's that?? WH!? I don't think its too unrealistic to think this story can take 3 test to make.. look say DHMIS, The Mandela Catalogue, and the Walten Files!!

...And well i mean if not, South Park has been going to 25 years and strong!! So I'll probably love that.

Favorite character: Julie!!!! (And Frank) // Don't make me pick favs from SP bro they're all so great. :')

Bonuses!!!

2021(-2023?): Loki

Bc of this show, i discovered i was gender fluid :]] I also found a wonderful community from it, and i love all of those people i met!!.. except for J***. You know who you are. Lmao, jokes. But yea, I'm no marvel fan or anything, but i love Greek/Norse mythology.. so it's no surprise i love Thor and Loki as much as i do!

Fav: Owen Wilson.

2021-2022: Inside Job (+ the 2000 other animated shows Netflix cancelled after one or two seasons..)

Yes there are shows that ended justly, like Kid Cosmic and CentaurWorld. They only planned on having two seasons so they ended great and with a banger. But like,, Dead End, and Glitch Techs, and give BNA another season, goddamn it!!

Fav: Brett 1000%

2020(-2023?) And 2021-2022: Animatics and The Cuphead Show respectively

I decided to add these two after ranting in the hashtags bc i just had to. :] Not much to say, i rlly love these shows. Made some art in my sketchbook and sh/t.

Fav: Wakko // Muggsie.

There's so many more shows (on tv, steaming, or online!) I'd live to acknowledge but I'm bored as hell do I'm calling it. Buhbies!!

[pseudomenudo]

I have decided to create a challenge for Pride Month.

Let’s all reflect on the things that have shaped and affected us as LGBTQ+ individuals. I challenge you to answer this question: What’s an LGBTQ+ (theme/symbolism/mentions of LGBTQ+ anything!) song, movie, piece of art, book, poem, quote, ANYTHING, that you like? Why do you like it? Feel free to share it all in your response to this post!  Even YouTube vids, spotify links, whatever! Anything that shows us your fave stuff regarding LGBTQ+. I’ll go first. 

POETRY:

A poem by my favorite poet Walt Whitman: “Though biographers continue to debate Whitman's sexuality, he is usually described as either homosexual or bisexual in his feelings and attractions.” (reference: https://bookshop.org/books/poems-9781519702807/9781519702807)

Song of the Open Road:

Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road,

Healthy, free, the world before me, The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose. Henceforth I ask not good-fortune—I am good- fortune, Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing, Strong and content, I travel the open road. The earth—that is sufficient, I do not want the constellations any nearer, I know they are very well where they are, I know they suffice for those who belong to them. Still here I carry my old delicious burdens, I carry them, men and women—I carry them with me wherever I go, I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them, I am filled with them, and I will fill them in return. You road I travel and look around! I believe you are not all that is here, I believe that much unseen is also here.

A large part of my sexuality and my freedom to express my sexuality healthily is thanks to Walt Whitman. Not only did he save my life once, he helped me understand myself.

ART:

As for art. Frida Kahlo was a great inspiration for me in terms of female sexuality, loving both men and women, and thinking of sexuality as more than sex and attraction. I also have a strong desire to become a mother one day, as she did. I am also terrified of infertility, as she was.

“While many maintain she had sexual relationships with both men and women, what is true is that she considered sexuality as something that went beyond mere intercourse. It spoke of creation, life, and, of course, her wish to conceive and become a mother. This obsession was a constant in her life and was beautifully immortalized in the bright shapes and colors of her canvases.” (reference: https://culturacolectiva.com/art/frida-kahlo-sexuality-paintings)

TW: Blood, nudity, infertility, hospital bed, childbirth

MOVIE:

TW for the movie: sex scenes, some sexuality, use of the n word, drug use, brief violence, and language throughout.

I very much enjoyed the movie Moonlight. Not only was it filmed where I live, I also went to a showing for it near the place it was filmed. When it came out, I was overjoyed, and loved the themes it showed in the movie. The element of water has always been a recurring one in my own life. Moonlight handles difficult topics, such as incarceration, death, prejudice, racism, homosexuality, toxic masculinity, growing up in poverty, familial relationships, homophobia, AIDS, father-son relationships and dynamics, black culture, how black gay men are viewed, love and relationships, separations, machismo, anxiety, etc. in a beautiful, graceful manner. The main characters father is from Cuba, and speaks of black people and black culture in cuba. This is something that isn't spoken of as much as it should be. The afro-cuban culture in cuba is important, and a part of Cuban people's history and ancestry. As a Cuban woman, I was proud to hear about the experience the father shared, not necessarily because of the experience itself, but because people will hear it and learn. Things must change. Many of these themes are things I struggled with in my own life. I felt a sort of kinship with the movie and its characters.

Have some clips of the film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D0T4ivCsF4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6yMItXePG8&ab_channel=T-Manfilm

MUSIC:

I think I heard this song when I was around eleven years old.  I think so many people know it already, it's very popular, but it was the first song I heard that really expressed feeling love for someone of the same sex. When I tried explaining to my mother how I felt inside, in terms of my sexuality and attraction to the members of the same sex, I showed her the youtube video of the song. It was a very interesting experience lol. Some lyrics I felt I related to were:

"Mother looking at me Tell me what do you see? Yes, I've lost my mind Daddy looking at me Will I ever be free? Have I crossed the line?"

And

"And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed They say it's my fault, but I want her so much Want to fly her away," 

Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/track/4bJygwUKrRgq1stlNXcgMg

Music Video: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mGBaXPlri8

QUOTE/BOOK

A quote that recently touched my heart was:

“In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun.” from The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

When I read this, I thought, “This is what matters when you are with the one you love. This is all that should matter.”

Have a summary of the book from Goodreads.com (one of my favorite websites for organizing my books. If you want to follow me there, send me a message or ask and I’ll give it to you):

“Greece in the age of heroes. Patroclus, an awkward young prince, has been exiled to the court of King Peleus and his perfect son Achilles. By all rights their paths should never cross, but Achilles takes the shamed prince as his friend, and as they grow into young men skilled in the arts of war and medicine their bond blossoms into something deeper - despite the displeasure of Achilles' mother Thetis, a cruel sea goddess. But then word comes that Helen of Sparta has been kidnapped. Torn between love and fear for his friend, Patroclus journeys with Achilles to Troy, little knowing that the years that follow will test everything they hold dear.Profoundly moving and breathtakingly original, this rendering of the epic Trojan War is a dazzling feat of the imagination, a devastating love story, and an almighty battle between gods and kings, peace and glory, immortal fame and the human heart.”

And that’s it for me! I challenge ALL OF YOU to continue this and share your own. Feel free to reblog this and tag your own friends and mutuals to complete this challenge! Let’s share with each other the beautiful pieces of work that have inspired us as members of the LGBTQ+ community. 

[abstract-apocalypse]

tagged by @mojave-musing!!

answering as kerry long, my ghoul oc whomst i only have one picture of

1. What is your name?

Kerry Long.

2. How old are you?

245 years old. All things considered, I think I look pretty good.

3. What do you look like?

Crispy, mostly. Tall, kinda lean, no hair, beef jerky complexion.

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now?

I'm from Cambridge, and now I live in Sanctuary Hills. The Commonwealth, Massachusetts, whatever you wanna call it, it's my home.

5. What was your childhood like?

Not too bad. That was before shit really started to go downhill for America.

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions?

I'm a Minuteman, I take care of repair work and engineering for them. The Railroad aren't bad, I like their commitment to equality. We could've used some of that in the years before the War.

7. Tell me about your best friend.

There's so many important people in my life, it's hard to name just one. Audrey Anderson was frozen in Vault 111, so she gets me on the level of being from before the War, and she's a lovely person. Anytime I'm in Diamond City, I have to go see her. Lynn is an amazing woman, and such an inspiration-- without her the Commonwealth might still be a lawless wasteland.

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them!

My parents are long dead, and I don't have any siblings, but Nellie is basically my daughter. I love her to death, she's an amazing kid and I'd do anything for her. Gwen too, see above photo.

9. What about a partner or partners?

Sturges. He's pretty great.

10. Who are your enemies, and why?

The Institute, they're terrorizing the Commonwealth and the Minutemen won't stand for that shit. And on a more personal level, the Brotherhood bug me for ghoulish reasons.

11. Have you ever heard of the Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them?

I'm pretty familiar. Can't say I'm a fan, what with their superiority complex to the common people, their attitude towards ghouls, synths, and anyone who's different from them, their technology obsession... They remind me of all the worst parts of Pre-War America.

12. What about The Enclave?

I remember back when they were the actual government, and they started out evil and only got worse. I'm glad they're gone.

13. How do you feel about Super Mutants?

Mixed. Obviously I'm not a fan of the ones who kill humans, but I get that it's tough to be an ex-human as it were, and some are nice. I wish FEV had never existed, though, that stuff is a crime.

14. What's the craziest fight you've ever been in?

I do my best to avoid crazy fights, but once I happened to be at Sunshine Tidings, on the roof of one of the buildings working on a turret, when some raiders decided that was a good time to attack. So I had to try and not get shot in this extremely visible position, while shooting at a way longer range than I'm comfortable at. I still don't know how I managed to get out of that alive. Not the craziest story ever, but I try to avoid that kind of stuff.

15. Have you ever fought a Deathclaw?

Hell no. I like being alive and having all my limbs attached.

16. Do you like fighting?

No. I hope someday we can forge a world where people won't need to kill each other anymore, until then it's a dirty chore.

17. What's your weapon of choice?

I don't like to fight directly, does a turret count? If not, then I guess just my 10mm pistol.

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what's your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?

At the risk of tooting my own horn, I'm smart as hell. I can build and repair just about anything. I'm pretty lucky, too, as evidenced by not being dead.

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them?

I have. They're definitely a mixed bag. It's good that people survived to rebuild and move forward, and the vaults helped with that, but they were very exclusionary about who got in. That means only "great Americans," wealthy, obedient, willing to toe the line and not question anything too hard. Heck, I only got in because they knew they needed an engineer to take care of the vault systems, otherwise they never would've accepted anyone Chinese.

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you?

Well, I didn't exactly "beat it." I was late getting to the vault, and we were far enough from the blast that it didn't kill me, but I got to be a firsthand study on ghoulification. Now radiation's not a concern for me at all.

21. What's your favorite wasteland critter?

I like dogs, do they count? If it has to be something new, then I'd say brahmin. They're useful, gentle, and some of them are downright cuddly if you give them a snack.

22. What's your least favorite wasteland critter?

Bloodbugs are just annoying, and don't even give a decent amount of meat.

23. How do you feel about robots?

They're a tool, and how I feel about them depends entirely on who's using that tool. The government before the war used them to oppress people, so those robots are bad, but the Minutemen use turrets and the like to protect the people, so those ones are good.

24. How many caps do you have on you right now?

200. I don't travel much without warning, so I usually leave my main stash in Sanctuary.

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla?

I haven't had a Sunset Sarsaparilla since before the war, so I'm gonna go with Nuka Cola.

26. Do you do chems?

Never. I've fought long and hard to stay alive, I'm not ready to risk that for some short term benefits.

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world?

All the time. Mostly what we can do this time around to avoid falling to the same fate.

28. What's your deepest regret? What would you do differently?

Hard to say.

29. What's your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve?

My biggest achievement so far is the work I've contributed to building the Commonwealth. Lots of the turrets, generators, and utilities you see around Minutemen settlements are my design. In the future, I'd like to keep working towards a better world-- one that won't make the same mistakes as before the War.

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world?

How ambitious can we get? Ideally, I'd say an end to violence, universal prosperity, everyone just being safe and happy. I probably won't live to see that happen, and maybe it never will, but I can try and get us a little bit closer.

[ilkkijangege]

123

Chad Chronicles is on hold while we work from home.

I'll keep updating this post if anything does happen to us.

Basically, I was telling Jacqui how J*ck told me I should join Tinder, use it during work to find out of he is there and if we would match. But Jacqui was like "what if you don't see him there but his friends see you??" So I was like "Then good na he's not on it 😂 as if he's ever talked about me to his friends 😂"

Then, nearly an hour later, I looked at my "Friends You May Know" on FB (there's a rumor that that is a list of people who's viewed your profile) then I saw that one of his friends are on it!!! I was shook, if the algorithm theory is right, then his friend was stalking me which means he has talked about me to his friends. LOL AYAN NANAMAN OVERTHINKING BES EH 😂

Then Jacqui told me how she asked her bf: if you offer a lift to a girl, does that mean he's interested? Her bf said yes but I shouldn't overthink and wait for another big sign.

Anyways, my Mandalorian plan is still going ahead. 😂

20/3/2020

Well, we didn't really talk online, he welcomed one of the guy on our team because he just got his access sorted today but I did not get the same treatment yesterday 😭

It's G tho 😂 Seems like he really is super smart because I looked into one of his chats and he used the word "futile". I'm just....wow big word 😂

Lol anyways, we're out for the weekend, Disney+ comes out on Tuesday, will try to binge it as soon I can so I can message him by Thursday or something 😂 really hope our conversation can flow naturally. Like I will just say "oh I've finished it and I am now obsessed with Baby Yoda or I can see why you are obsessed with Baby Yoda, he is adorable!" Then hopefully he can be like "What did you think of it?" Etc etc and we live happily ever after. CHOS.

.

21/03/2020

Swear everyone is telling me to either text him or to keep my feet on the ground and let the connection grow.

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW. He keeps doing all these things to me and I am always overthinking it. My friends have told me not to but it is sooo hard. They told me to wait for other signs.

I really want to take a risk and tell him but I really do not want to ruin our new found friendship. I mean I really hope he's just waiting to make more signs because he doesn't think it's time yet or something but I just don't want to give give give and not have anything in return. Haaaay Lord, please help me!

.

22/03/2020

This morning, I told my mom about the fact that he drove me home. At first, I couldn't tell her immediately, I was just staring at her the whole time and she asked "Anong kailangan mo sakin?" I said "nothing." "Bakit naka tingin ka sakin?" Then finally, I said, "Wala lang, may update lang ako sayo." Then she was like "ano may date ka???" I replied, "No update!!! Hinatid nya ako kila tita nung last time kaming pumasok.." and she was just like "ayie, hinahatid ka na ha." Then she told me, "yan dapat, cool ka lang. Pero tapusin mo muna.." She didn't complete her sentence but I knew she was talking about my FE1s but then she was probably thinking that I am nearly 25 and she should let me be. Hahaha. Then she asks "nag offer ba xa?" Sabi ko oo 😂

Then she asks me if he texts me and I told her no, we only talk in work. Then she replied, "ganun talaga" 😂 hay mother, if she had asked more details, I would have told her how I am getting mixed signals from him kaya di ko tlga sure kung gusto nya din ako 😂 but she didn't, so let's leave that for another time. 😂

Lord, pleaseee I trust you. If he doesn't reach out to me, ako na tlga mag rereach out. Need to binge The Mandalorian asap.

.

23/03

He keeps reading my messages on our GC immediately but does not with other people

ANO BA GUSTO MO PARAMDAM KA NAMAN PLS

Happened again at 16;09 ANO BA HUHU

.

24/03

STOP SEEN ZONING MY MESSAGES AS SOON AS I POST THEM AND START TALKING TO ME

.

25/03

No sign of Chad life anywhere, he was pretty much quiet today, not reading/replying to messages etc

.

26/03

I FINISHED THE MANDALORIAN YOU GUYS.

I took a risk and messaged him. It took me a whileeeeee but I just took the plunge.

Basically, I asked him how he was and how working from home has been coming along. It took him like 6 mins to reply, which was fine, we were in work so understandable.

He told me he is relaxed but about to get boring. He asked me ‘how about you?’ So I sent him this quite long response how I’ve been relaxed working in my jammies and binged watch Mandalorian, bummed about 2 eps so illegally streamed the rest. Told him that I am now also obsessed with Baby Yoda (he laughed react to this). Then he said how it was dumb for Disney not to release everything at once. (Was upset he didnt ask me what I thought of the show)

Then I told him if Netflix can do it, so can they. But he said people would just sign up for trial, watch it then cancel. Thennnn he asked if I liked it. I said yes except for Ch.6′s characters. He said he thinks you were not meant to like them.

Then I asked him if he thinks Fennec Shand is still alive. He was like which one was HE again? So I told him correction she* (laugh emoji) then explained her character. He was like ‘Oh yeaaahhh. Then boba fett was supposedly the one who found her” I replied ‘yup that’s the theory but I feel like she was pretty much lifeless already and maybe just a teaser for boba fett then?'

Then nearly 3 hours later, I go check our workplace chat and he seenzoned me. Okur. He read the message at 20.27. He better reply tomorrow or I’ll take it a sign that he really just isn’t interested in me.

On a side note, he went on lunch at 6pm, came back at around 7ish but didn't change his Status xD it's either he forgot or na distract na sya sakin CHOS sige laaaangg.

I swear I hope we can talk more tho. Since he seenzoned me, I will not message him again cos I don't want to look eager/desperate so yeah. Byeeeeee.

.

30/03

STOP READING MY MESSAGES, dear heart and head, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

I know you get notifications that "Bianca messaged..." Does your heart flutter when my name appears? STOP OVERTHINKING BIANCA.

Ayan nnmn tayo sa seenzone eh 14:55. Ano ba?

.

1/04/20

I had a dream that he messaged me. He asked me how I was and for some reason, he told me to go to Google Music because they were having a sale and that I should make a track for him. (Like what?)

Also dreamt that he took me home again. When we got to our house, he told me we needed to talk. I think he confessed.

Ay ayoko na.

.

5/4/20

Why do I keep dreaming about him? I dreamt that he messaged me on FB, really long paragraphs of him confessing his feelings.

Urgh.

Oh and I also paid for a tarot reading of how he really sees me. I mean idk if it's real but there are feelings there but there may be a third party but the reader could not 100% confirm it. It is highly probable, he's a single man who could totally date around. The reading also mention how he finds me attractive and sees a long term energy with me. It also says how he may not be ready for a serious romantic relationship but he can see it progressing down the line. But honestly, I do not see him as someone who longs for sex, yknow? I am nearly sure that he could still be a virgin but the fact that he frequented Krystle in college, makes me question it. I mean, he is a white male, it is something I am not super pressed about.

I've just been thinking, if I were to get with a Filipino guy, is there anyone out there who has never had a girlfriend or who has even dated anyone?

Chad really gives me the vibe of never having a girlfriend before but I really see him as not looking for anything at the moment to focus on his dream job.

.

6/4/20

Okay, why did I have a dream that he proposed to me??

I think we argued over something and then a few days later, he proposed. Wtf.

From what I remember, he only proposed in his car. lol

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8/4/20

So we had a team call today. He has not been working since like Thursday last week because he could not get his VPN to work.

But dang. I heard his voice after 3 weeks. He sounds the same as in real life but his American accent is more prominent 😂

Then our TL said we might still be working from home for the next 3-4 months and I'm just like. HUHUHU.

Will I be over you by then?

.

10/04/20

Had a dream we were back in the office and we were having banters again like nothing has changed.

I think he also messaged me on Facebook one of these isolation days...

I swear I know it was probably unintentional for him to ghost me like that.

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11/04/20

So I've been searching his Gamer tag on Google, even before I decided to let go of him and there is this one file I keep noticing, it is League of Legends and it seems his password is Yugioh246 😂 it is actually hilarious 😂 I didn't know he is that big of a nerd. I don't see it as a bad thing because I like nerds and I am drawn to them but I hope he is not an incel because that is a major turn off.

Yes, I am not wishing for us to be together anymore but I really hope he finds the woman of his dreams. He deserves to have someone who will understand him for who he is.

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13/04/20

Another thing, how do I listen to songs without thinking of him?? It is getting frustrating. I used to listen to these songs without thinking of him and now all I do is associate these songs to him. Nakakainis.

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14/04/20

Why do you keep reading my messages then stop reading others' after mine??

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18/04/20

Argh why did I dream of him again?

We were back in the office daw and I sat in a different computer because I was avoiding him as in. For some reason, the coat rack was behind him so when it was home time, I grabbed my coat as fast as I could so he would not talk to me. He was slouched in his seat and looked really tired. His hair was long like mid length sufer dude hair, he was not wearing his hat. But then he saw me and called me and said "Bianca, I'll give you a ride home." I replied, gaga naman ate nyo, "If it's not raining, I can walk but if it is, I'll take the bus." He replied, "What time is your bus?" I replied, "In an hour." He replied, "Okay, if it's raining, I'll wait for you here, let me know." Then I grabbed my stuff from my locker, I went out the office and it was raining. I went back into the office and told him that it was raining. So he got up from his seat and we walked to his car. On the way, I noticed he looked really tired and his eyes were red so I asked him, "Did you not sleep?" His reply was: "Yeah I came to work with no sleep." So we just walked to his car and he opened the door for me. He even adjusted my seat.

Then for some weird reason, we ended up in Dolphins Barn, like the flats and around Tesco. Then there were billboards for Book of Mormons and he saw it he said or read "What about the Mormons?" Then I was confused at first so he pointed at the ads for the Book of Mormons. Then I told him: "Oh I really wanna see that! I heard it's meant to be one of the best Broadway shows." He then tells me he is not a big play fan but there is something he likes. I asked him but he saw another Book of Mormons billboard and pointed to it. Then we reached Reilly's Ave and idk why but my whole family and our old neighbors were all outside. Bsta ang weird talaga na he dropped me off in our old house. Dreams are weird.

So I just thanked him and watched him leave.

Aish why did I dream of you again???

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20/4/20

Had another dream about him. Just why oh why? What are these dreams trying to tell me? I haven't been thinking about him seriously so idk.

Basically in this dream, we were all back in the office. So we got a few newbies who joined our team. And management/TL thought it was a good idea to blend the newbies with the senior agents so there was a complete seat change again. Chad and the guy beside him moved to my old area, as in Chad moved to my old seat. While I was stayed in my current seat. Of course I felt sad that I won't be able to see him face to face as often anymore and that I felt like our friendship will drift apart again.

Basta ano baaa I don't understand this. Do I still have feelings for him deep down?

Oh and he read my message on the group chat again. 10:18am. I mean ok he's been active on the UKI chat today so here's me overthinking again.

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23/04/20

Another day, another Chad dream.

So in this dream, I was in Tesco with my mom or Aldi, anyways a supermarket.

I wanted to make Tacos so I was at the spice aisle, looking for a taco spice mix. Then out of nowhere, he pops up and sees me. Says hello and asked how I was etc, while I was grabbing the taco spice mix.

Then I told him goodbye but I still kept seeing him everywhere in the store even though I purposely was avoiding him.

WHY DO I KEEP DREAMING OF HIM.

It is honestly annoying. 😭

I just wanna move on.

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27/04/20

Been a while since my last dream but I dreamt that he drove me home, yet again, but I only remember the part where we entered Cherrywood and then I just got out of the car and don't even remember saying thanks. I stood at the front door, until he left.

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28/04/20

Arghhh he read my messages again on the office chat almost instantly at 2.37pm 😩😩😩😩 Whereas our own team's chat has been active all day, yet he has not read the messages on there since yesterday morning!!

Were you expecting that I messaged you or something??? CMON IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME JUST MESSAGE ME. I already messaged you first, it's your turn.

Ugh I hate overthinking this!!

Also, 26th of April marked the 1st month since we last talked. Hmmmm have I fully moved on? I really don't think I have but I am just trying to live my life. Why must you be an introvert Chad, we'll be waiting for each other forever.

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6/05/20

Hmmmm... Beginning to think he actually has 3 siblings contrary to the fact that I thought he said there are 3 of them in the family, him being the eldest, followed by his sister then his younger brother.

If it is his brother that I saw on FB then it makes sense now because remember when he gave out chocolates for Christmas? I heard him say "my brother's work had them on sale" or something along the lines. And the other brother I was aware of was only a kid. This person I saw matches the bill, from Chicago and went to the same secondary school as him. (AND LOOKS LIKE HIM!!! We may be the same age or a year younger because he graduated secondary school in 2014) [yup he is older than me by 6 months and just like his older brother, he is also very much into Star Wars and video games. But he seems more social than his bro. Haha xa na lang date ko 😂 Chad 2.0 chosss Chad introduce me to your bro para di tayo awkward sa work 😂 They are actually only 10 months apart, I wonder if they are close.]

Hmmmmm why am I such a stalker 😂

(7.6 update: nah saw his bro's IG and he seems like a fckboi, his DP is a mirror selfie of him shirtless, showing off his v line abs 😂)

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13/05/20

It's been a while. As of yesterday, he is fully back to work. We had a team meeting on Monday and he was on it. He said they gave him a laptop to work on. I had myself on mute so I was just listening to him. Yes I wanted to join in on the convo but I needed to stop myself. I need to distance myself until I fully move on from him.

Anyways, today, a case was assigned to me at around 8.30 in the morning. I didn't action it because the office was going mad with chats so I said I was gonna action it when I had a chance later on.

Then I noticed that it disappeared from my queue. I went to my closed cases and I saw that he had actioned it. I mean, I am not saying that he did it on his own free will, our TL may have asked him to go through our team's response received internal queue. Which is aight but this case was not originally mine, but one of his office broskis, na mean? So it's either he did not read the email thread at all or he just decided to close it in MY name. I mean he had to type my name and I wonder if he felt something. CHOSSSSSS 😂

But I'm telling you guys, ever since he got access again, my heart started fluttering again just like when I was still crushing on him, before I moved in front of him and he started giving me all these attention that made me fall in love with him.

I have been trying to move on. I even wrote a 7 page journal entry about my feelings. I've been super distracting myself by watching Kim Possible and staying away from sappy romantic shows 😂

I need more time to heal but it will be okay!

Update 14/5:

I got another case from the same broski, which he actioned yesterday and closed it under his broski's name but he closed the other one on mine.

Ugh why am I overthinking this again!!!

Chad please go away from my feelings 😩

15/5

Today, I helped him out with one of his cases.

He said 'thanks!' whereas the past few days, he's only been replying to people on our team with 'ty!'.

Made me overthink again but I was just being ridiculous 😂 'ty' tapos today sakin 'thanks', special ako chos 😂 honestly wasn't that bothered but okay! Stop giving me special treatment please 😂 don't treat me differently from others if you don't feel the same way because it's unhealthy for me 😂

Helped him again with another one and he said 'thanks!' again urgh. Swear tho, I was hesitating a bit when I was helping him. My heart was thumping again like it did before we started getting comfortable with each other 😭😭😭

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17/5/20

Exactly 2 months since I saw him and when he dropped me home.

Oh Chad. Will I ever be over you.

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18/5/20

Helped him with another case because no one was helping him so I was just being nice.

Bianca don't be marupok pls. You've been making progress. Don't relapse now.

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20/5/20

Another day of helping him out....

Basically he asked our group chat for help, no one replied for like 5 minutes so I said I'll help him.

Then he private messaged me about the case. He told me there were a lot and said "ahah". I should have joked around but I didn't or even asked him how he was 😭

But after I helped him, this was his reply:

Huhuhu parang ang happy nya na may tumulong sa kanya. Chad naman, don't do this to me! I am trying to move on 😭

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21/05/20

Haaaayy... Reading my messages again as soon as I post them. Chad Chad Chad ....

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26/05/20

He legit have not read messages on our office GC since 10.30 this morning. I messaged a few times around 3pm and he kept reading them. Ano ba kasi Chad.

Don't be scared of rejection, I know I may not be showing real signs but I am an awkward turtle, just talk to me.

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27/05/20

As usual no one was helping him again so I private messaged him and asked if anyone was helping yet.

His response:

Hahaha cute 😂 so I told him 'give me the deets, I'll send it up'.

He said 'ty!!', gave me the deets.

Then when I completed it, this was his reply:

Hahaha naloka na xa, double a. Choss. I replied with "anytime 😊" 😂 para konti landi to let him know na I am here to help anytime HAHAHAHAHAHAHA chos

BAKIT HIRAP MAG MOVE ON MGA BESH

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5/6/20

So I've been hesitating about posting this but about 2 days ago? I had a dream about him again. It wasn't just him in it but the dream mostly centered about him and I.

Basically, we there was a party in the office and for some reason, I was getting ready at my desk as in curling my hair (so weird 😂😂😂).

Then Chad decided to go out of the computer area, probs was on a break or something. Then my team decided it was a good idea to hide his baby yoda plushie so I hid it in my locker and when he came back, he kept looking for it and we were just laughing at him. 😂

That was it haha.

But you guys, I've been diligently praying for my vocation and I've been getting signs about marriage etc. What if he's the one? God, please give me more signs.

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15/06/20

So it's been a while. I've been helping him here and there over the last few weeks.

Today's response was "awesome, thanks!"

And that made me kilig inside. 😂

I am awesome, chos! 😂

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16/06/20

Just saw the July Schedule and he is taking 2 weeks holidays 😂

Lol fam watchu gonna do? 😂

Tara let's go on a date chos 😂

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24/06/20

I miss him ☹️ But I've been good with not thinking about him a lot but I just really can't wait to be able to ask him out in person hahaayyyy

Hmmmm I also suddenly wondered if he still has the card I gave him for Christmas. That was a cute card, €4 din un ha hahaha

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3/07/20

Yo wassup.

I had a dream, so we were back in the office. We were on the weekend shift and for some reason, I decided I was staying back for a bit more so he left before me.

Basically, from this dream, it seems that we were on minimal speaking terms. So like as he was leaving, at the computer area door, he said bye to me and idk why, I asked him to have dessert with me on Monday 😂 it was weird 😂

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12/07/20

Okur, I had a dream that he dropped me off again in Cherrywood, like just out of nowhere. Like all I remember was that we were walking to his car together.

He even opened my door and carried my bag and walked me to the front door. Haaayyy....

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14/07/20

So today, I was overthinking again.

Basically there was a post in work where an SME asked him to tag his team. He tagged me first over his broskis and that made me quite overthink again. Like the way he tagged our team was not as if it was alphabetical order. So why did he tag me first?

Hahah ako ung unang pumasok sa isip nya

Huhuhu ayoko naaaaa

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19/07/2020

So he is on his 2 weeks PTO from tomorrow.

Haaaaayyyyy miss ko na xa, bakit ba kasi ako ganito. Pero as long as he has not said that he is not interested in me, may chance pa rin tlga kami eh.

Wag lang tlaga xang umalis ng company and it will be grand.

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08/08/20

Been a while since this was updated, nothing's been happening between us so there is nothing to report. But anyways, lately I've been having (r-rated) fantasies about him 😂 argh I just want to be with him 😂

He's also started playing Fall Guys on the PS4, we have something in common na chos 😂

Also, there's an SME position in work and I have a feeling he might apply huhu if he gets it, he'll be level 12 and I won't be able to date him 😭😂

Honestly still think may something sila ng QA namin huhuhu

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16/08/20

So I told MF on the 14th of August about everything that has happened, like how I was getting mixed signals that made me overthink alot to me messaging him twice and being left on read, also how I plan on asking him out when we get to the office. (Also how he dropped me home.)

I told her how it's been very hard for me in the last 5 months, trying to move on from someone I don't even talk to. She was very understanding and told me that she also has not talked to Chad since WFH, as she was also left on read. She said he may not be the texty type because he's quite shy.

I was honestly shook. I thought they talk, even on our workplace chat because they are close in work. Cause I asked her if it was even a good idea for me to ask him out or if she knows if he's seeing someone because I don't want to intrude. I told her I want to take a risk with him but a part of me fears rejection.

She asked me if I ever thought about asking him out for coffee since things are opening up. I told her, yes but I don't think we are in that level where I could just ask him randomly.

So her plan is to build up a rapport with him again and find out the goss. I really hope she can build something up with him and that if ever, this time, there will be progress.

Until I know I have a chance with him, I can't move on. If he's seeing someone, then okay at least I'll know where I stand.

I'll let you know if there's progress.

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19/08/2020

So today, I helped him out with a case.

One of the internal tools was not working for him so he asked for help. I was the first to reply so I told him to send me the details and I'll do it.

When I did it for him, he said 'Perfect thank you!' and I just replied, "No worries 😊" landi landi with that emoji 😂 Wish we kinda had a conversation going though 😭 Wish I asked him how he was but it wasn't appropriate okay 😂

Haaayy can't wait to find out if he's dating anyone or when I'll see him again so I can ask him out. HAAAAAYYYYSSSS.

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9/9/20

So yesterday, I asked our group chat for help on a case. I didn't really expect that he would be the one to respond but he did and that was cute. Awww. ❤️

Looool I wish I could've thanked him personally but other people started helping me out so yeah. But for a brief moment, I was kilig haha

Really wanna ask him out already! But cases are rising again and I don't want him to use Covid as an excuse so I'll wait again until cases have slowed down.

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13/09/20

So today, I had a video call with MF. She told me that she got a new job 😭 meaning, she won't be able to be my wingwoman now 😭

I am happy for her but this cuts down all my chances with Chad 😭

But she did talk to Chad and he applied to the SME role apparently, I think he may have already been interviewed but he didn't hear back from them yet.

MF also said that we should meet up for a coffee date "with Bianca" and he said we should hahaha cmon MF make this a reality please so I can talk to him 😭

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING ADVANTAGE

Today a lot of people who get rich by creating wealth, which is the satisfaction of people's desires. Another possibility would be to let that opportunity slip. Hence a vicious for the losers cycle: VC firms that have been doing badly will only get the deals the bigger fish have rejected, causing them to continue to do so but be content to work for a long time. One of the most powerful forces in history. In other words, you get anything, but this is the Bambi version; in simplifying the picture, I've also made everyone nicer. When I heard about after the Slashdot article was Bill Yerazunis' CRM114.1 Bulgaria, we could all probably move on to working on something so new that no one else has done before. What's a startup to do? I now believe, is like a pass/fail course for the founders, because they were living in the future.

Plans are just another word for ideas on the shelf. Which is not to run unnecessary utilities that people might use to break into this group.2 Also they find they now worry obsessively about the status of their server.3 A third and quite significant advantage of angel rounds is that they're too much influenced by recipes for wisdom. Computers are so cheap now that you can. Web-based software they are going to get bought for 30, you only have to compete with other local barbers. Things are very different in the early days of microcomputers.

Who made the wealth it represents? Large-scale investors care about their portfolio, not any individual company. In a traditional series A round they often don't. It would be like being an actor or a novelist.4 Actors do. But they usually let the initial meetings stretch out over a couple weeks.5 As one VC told me: If you were talking to four VCs, told three of them that you accepted a term sheet, ask how many of their last 10 term sheets turned into deals.6 Which for founders will result in the perfect combination: funding rounds that close fast, with high valuations.7

During the panel, Guy Steele also made this point, with the idea of versions just doesn't naturally fit onto Web-based applications, everything you associate with startups is taken to an extreme with Web-based applications. It had the same probability,. It's just not reasonable to expect startups to pick an optimal round size in advance, because that means your growth rate is decreasing. There are three main disadvantages: you mix together your business and personal life; they will probably not be as well connected as the big-name VC firm will not screw you too outrageously, because other founders would avoid them if word got out.8 Because of Y Combinator's position at the extreme end of the scale of the successes in the startup world, closing is not what deals do. But more than half the agreed upon price.9 When you can reproduce errors and release changes instantly, you can manufacture them by taking any project usually done by multiple people and trying to do things that might look bad. And software that's released in a series of small changes.

C is pretty low-level, but it looks like they're merely floating downstream. But what if your manager was hit by a bus?10 In the past, but users won't hear about them anymore. The most naive version of which is the prudent choice. If you're already profitable, on however small a scale, it costs nothing to fix.11 Since demo day occurs after 10 weeks, the company is default alive or default dead may save you from the building burning down. But by the time most people hear about it. Half the founders I talk to a startup.

With respect to the continuance of friendships. It would be nice to be able to find statistical differences between these and my real mail.12 Who would rely on such a test? He got a 4x liquidation preference. In a company founded by two people, 10% of the total or $10,000, whichever is greater. I asked him if he could get all the attention, when hardly any of them can succeed is if they all do. Before Durer tried making engravings, no one would have any doubt that the fan was causing the noise.

And once you've written the software, our Web server, using the state of your brain at that time.13 If server-based software will make new languages fashionable again. As word spreads that startups work, the number may grow to a point that would now seem surprising. Tokens that occur within the To, From, Subject, and Return-Path lines, or within urls, get marked accordingly.14 Another way to fund a startup is like being an administrator.15 And so you didn't get a lot of what looks like work. Except you judge intelligence at its best and character at its worst.16 The most obvious advantage of not needing money is that you can get at least someone to pay you significant amounts, the money is there, waiting to be invested. The advantage of raising money from them. And yet the trend in nearly everything written about the subject is to do the opposite: to squash together all the aspects of it that are most measurable.

In the long term. So if you want to isolate from your developers as much as a checkout clerk because he is one more user helping to make your software very efficient you can undersell competitors and still make a profit. Technology gives the best programmers of any public technology company. One thing we'll need is support for the new way that server-based.17 As long as VCs were writing checks, founders were never forced to explore the limits of the markets it serves. And that doesn't seem a wise move. A company that grows at 1% a week will in 4 years be making $25 million a month.18 In fact, I'd say investors are the most common type, so being good at solving those is key in achieving a high average may help support high peaks. VCs obviously don't need to: it lets them choose their growth rate. But at the moment when successful startups get money from more than one of the big dogs will notice and take it away. Now the group is looking for more investors, if only to get this one to act.19 For many, the only thing that mattered, and you are very happy because your $50,000 into at a valuation of a million can't take $6 million from VCs at that valuation.

Notes

Prose lets you be more likely to be self-interest explains much of the businesses they work for startups overall. The liking you have good net growth till you run through all the time I did the section of the magazine they'd accepted it for had disappeared. And that is not the shape that matters financially for investors.

I made because the arrival of desktop publishing, given people the shareholders instead of crawling back repentant at the outset which founders will do worse in the sophomore year.

But you can ignore.

Several people have historically been so many people work with me there. Thought experiment: If doctors did the same gestures but without using them to stay in a place to exchange views. Delicious, but in practice that doesn't have users.

But what they're selling and how unbelievably annoying it is not whether it's good enough at obscuring tokens for this at YC. But on the critical question is only half a religious one; there is a bit dishonest, incidentally, because it aggregates data from crashed hard disks. Different kinds of startups is that the VCs I encountered when we created pets.

It doesn't take a long time by sufficiently large numbers of users to recruit manually—is probably 99% cooperation.

If you're good you'll have to assume the worst. Particularly since many causes of the fake. Charles Darwin was 22 when he received an invitation to travel aboard the HMS Beagle as a type II startups won't get you type I startups. Basically, the most common recipe but not in 1950.

One thing that drives most people come to writing essays is to the minimum you need to be doctors? Later you can play it safe by excluding VC firms expect to make money from the 1940s or 50s instead of just Japanese.

And what people actually paid. But knowledge overlaps with wisdom and probably also intelligence. A more powerful, because sometimes artists unconsciously use tricks by imitating art that does.

It's not the original text would in itself be evidence of a company they'd pay a premium for you, what that means having type II startups won't get you a termsheet, particularly if a company, but the problems you have to want to create a silicon valley out of the proposal. Photo by Alex Lewin. But it is to write in a large organization that often creates a situation where they are.

But his world record only lasted 46 days. Statistical Spam Filter Works for Me.

There is always 15 weeks behind the doors that say authorized personnel only. The reason the US is partly a reaction to drugs. Steven Hauser. Needless to say whether the 25 people have seen, so we should, because it was briefly in Britain in the sense that if you needed to read this to be more like Silicon Valley is no different from technology companies between them.

Well, almost.

At two years, it is more of a heuristic for detecting whether you can talk about the Airbnbs during YC. I may try allowing up to two of the next three years, but conversations with other people's. If only one founder is always raising money, then work on open-source but seems to have to do work you love: a to make that leap.

The First Industrial Revolution, Cambridge University Press, 1996. The markets seem to be at the outset which founders will do worse in the 1990s, and that the feature was useless, but the meretriciousness of the Dead was shot there.

Whereas many of the former, and the first philosophers including Confucius and Socrates resemble their actual opinions.

Maybe what you can hire unskilled people to endure hardships, but it seems a bit.

According to Zagat's there are already names for this is the ability of big companies to say they prefer great markets to great people to bust their asses.

It's a strange feeling of being Turing equivalent, but there are no misunderstandings.

Thanks to Eric Raymond, Marc Andreessen, Ed Dumbill, Chris Anderson, Sam Altman, Robert Morris, and Mike Arrington for the lulz.