#look at that kid and tell me thats not a massive egg right there. i was so blind to the truth

[hypnosis-microsys]

thoughts on the buster bros.

[curoopeez]

I'm watching fnaf through perfectly legal means, and I kinda want to liveblog it, but I also don't want to have to put a spoiler warning while doing it, so I'm just gonna talk under a readmore and put the whole thing in a single post

This is probably be the first blood already. I wonder if that's phone guy

Is it too early for someone to say it's bite of 87ing time and bite of 87 all over the place?

I wonder if they got actual children to draw the children's drawings

Holy shit an opening credits scene I haven't seen one of those since I took my dad to watch James Bond no time to die

Ooh that guy was reading a book on game theory I wonder if that's an easter egg to nod at MattPat

Oh that's Mike!

My mistake it's a book on Dream Theory. I think that was an easter egg too though, there was a theory that fnaf 4 was just a nightmare for a while

Well someone is in trouble

Ok the game Michael chased the job on purpose to hunt find his brother's soul, so this is already a pretty big departure from the source

I wonder if that Abby is gonna end up becoming puppet. It would be tragic, but better than the crying child

Is he trying to lucid dream?

Nope

I wonder if this Michael's dad is not gonna be the William Afton of the games

Wow this Jane is a massive bitch

Oh that Steve guy must be the new phone guy

Ngl I might have studied the games lore a little too intensely

Well that's omnious why was there a tape with his name on

Aw fuck the first jumpscare got me

No no no no get back to the room

This guy thinks he's Gregory to wander around and face the animatronics

There they are

Oh great it's still haunted haunted

Did that kid trip at the same time he did? Does this mean anything?

Matthew Patrick!!!!

HE SAID IT!

Oh what a traitor

Poor Doug free him he's trying very very hard to not do anything

Dude wake up you need to witness this

Oh the it's me in the mirror. And Foxy or whatever

Vanessa? What the heck is she doing here? Well as long as she stays away from bunnies ot should be fine

Vanessa tgat is not what you had just said but I'll forgive it because we're finally getting some animatronic action

Her lack of professionalism broke the animatronics. Freddy says if she's legally untouchable she's morally unfuckable

Wait if the place gets trashed out of his shift thats not his problem. Plus he had a witness of how things were when he left

Ok this deaths are pretty goofy but it's a pg13 movie so I guess they have to be

Chica and Bonnie were somehow so cunty when they looked at the camera after sending the cupcake like yas girlies

Wait I just remembered this is happening during the day. Are this animatronics opposite to the game? Peaceful at night and hostile during day?

Girl you went there to commit a crime don't follow the child

WhAs tHAt ThE BIte oF 87?!!!

Oh right Mike's family drama I almost forgot

Well at least it seems this Mike still likes cartoons

Is she... giving him a chance to speak? Maybe she's not as much of a cop as I thought

Oh so he was trying to repeat that dream

Maybe William was kidnapping kids to save the mom instead of the crying child (I forgot his name)

No do not take the child to the job you fool

Well the children are already possessing the animatronics so there must already be a Puppet

That fucking Baloon Boy again

No girl stop do not aproach animatronics

At least he understood it fast

Do not say that to a ghost you idiot

Awww this scene was cute.

Ooh the thick plotens

Abby is such a child "I've been talking with ghosts all this time, can I have some soup?"

Vanessa acts like she has genre awareness and she's trying really hard to keep it lighthearted

Shit don't tell me that's Circus Baby we do not need her in this story

Vanessa did it ever occur to you that people might do what you want if you just tell them whats going on

Idk who that pharmaceus farmastist doofrsmith doctor degree was but I'm pretty sure it was a cameo

You can't really say "they're gone" to a bunch of ghosts

Wow the ghosts are also a bunch of assholes

Did Abby stay in her room all day? She must be starving.

Oh no... look back Jane... oh well

Dude don't take an unnacompained child

Vanessa what are you doing here. This ain't cute anymore

Oh!

Dude stop rizzing up the exposition dump go do something

I wonder if we'll get beakless Chica. Just once. Just for me

No do not go in the ball pit it's not worth it

Springtrap!

Holy shit he's still alive inside the costume?

🥳officer down🥳

Oh this is a nice slow and painful death

I wonder if in the end we're gonna find out that Garret is Puppet. Unless that suit they tried to put Abby in was Puppet

[symphonicmetal101]

For the match up!

(Please 👉👈)

So my favorite animal is a salmon shark, because I love the how Big Scary Fish becomes smol baby with big black eyes, smol chonky angy baby go chomp chomp

“NO MORE SAYING CUSS WORDS GUYS! ITS ILLEGAL AND VIOLENT!”

So, this one time, I was at a family reunion, and apparently someone had passed away recently and I didn’t know? And I loudly asked “WHERES *insert name* she said she’d be here, Imma kill her if she doesn’t have a good excuse for not being here!” And my mom pulled me down, “SHE PASSED AWAY THATS WHY HER FAMILY ISNT HERE!?” And I just died, like the way you die and fall over in Minecraft, me, me all the way, I left the moment I had the chance, People gave me looks of disapproval and my close cousins were laughing and trying to console me from embarrassment …. I didn’t go to any family gatherings for about five months…

I wear a size 9 shoe, what kinda foot fetish data are you getting at? 🤨

I’d I woke up with neon orange hair, I’d be honestly so happy like excited ecstatic. It most likely means I went off the walls, like just crazy and went wild and now have nipple piercing, My friend and I swore that if we ever woke up with neon Colored hair or just something ridiculous, it’s probably because we got dead drunk and we swore next time it’d happen I was getting neon hair and nipple piercing and he was going With a half shaved head and getting a Prince Albert and ladder piercings 🍆 so, I’d honestly be ecstatic I finally got the piercings and hair I wanted

Honestly, I’d love to meet a Pegasus, Since I was young and watched the original Sailor Moon I always had this fantasy of falling in love with a Pegasus Boi and 👏 even if he doesn’t turn into a boy I mean??? FLYING HORSE BRUH?? I’d wear long extravagant gown and just fly around looking like a Goddess??? Yes!!!! 🤍

I’d honestly think, The best pet would be a brachiosaurus 🦕 just hear me out, this thing is massive, and I’d just really like to ride one, get it straight out the egg, care for it, and use it like a horse while it’s smaller, but once it’s grown! Dino rides for families and I COULD MAKE A KILLING OFF IT! Not to sound like Mammon, but IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!? Ya need something pulled??? Don’t worry I’ll just call My best Boi Samson 🦕 over and he can help! Class field trip and the bus is broken? Twenty dollars a person and jump on! Tress growing to close the power line and need to be trimmed? For the right price I’ll bring my baby out to eat away your problems! Pond or lake over flowing? This baby can drink so much water in it, and my wallet is looking kinda light, I think we can arrange something 😌 Need to test how durable your underground bunkers are? For the right price I’ll have this baby walking back and forth all day! Ya kid wants a dinosaur at the petting zoo? You can pay to look or for a few extra bucks you touch and ride.

Personal notes, Im actually really Greedy and prideful, it definitely runs in my family, eccentric, egotistical

I sleep in only under wear, no bra

FREE THE NIPPLE

I work to make money, to buy fancy luxury things even though I’m just and average person,

Mexican American, i forget not everyone speaks Spanish so talking to anyone occasionally I’ll start speaking Spanish and wonder why I’m getting looks :)

One time at a job I insulted and finished off a worker, just for her to tell me she’s my boss under cover, I told her I don’t take back or regret anything and her moms a hoe

I’m a notorious flirt and very manipulative when necessary, only when i want something and can’t get it on my own, I had a sugar daddy for a month and got a Nintendo Switch, a set of Luxury bags, a week long trip to Disney and another week long trip to Universal, Limited Time luxury shoes, some gold, and expensive perfumes and a $2000 dollars a week, He died and I lost the good life 😔

Side hobbies, being an otaku, make up, and baking, I can sleep like a rock lmao, OH!

So, I have a collection of Dildo’s on display in my friends apartment cause we’re wild, we go out and just buy some of the prettiest sex toys just to display them, I really love the crystal clear dildos they shine pretty in the light, and there are plugs that just have the prettiest shiniest Gems and crystals,

If this wasn’t crack enough, I don’t know what else to say 😔 but I hope you enjoy my exposure

Shameless Simp Squad, I don’t know if you can guess who this is but Ill definitely own up to it if/when you expose me

Thank you so much! 🤍🤍 have a good day

At long last

Its time

Do you know how badly I want you to be @mammons-wife ? For no apparent reason I just...I dont know LMAO youve consumed my thoughts with this ask for so long

CW: Slightly nsfw

ASMODEUS, MAMMON, AND BARBATOS

Firsy, first let me- let me just

They dynamic here is you, Asmo, Mammon are "dumbasses" (affectionate) and Barb the "oh fuck those are MY dumbasses"

Please dont be offended by that

Anyways

"NO MORE SAYING CUSS WORDS GUYS! ITS ILLEGAL AND VIOLENT!" I figure is an inside joke of some sort, but also feels like something that drunk AS FUCK Barb yells at the three of you and makes you laugh.

Ok that thing at the family reunion was not your fault, you didnt know lmao. It feels like something Mammon would also do, and would take the fall if something like that happened again with something like "I dared em t'do it" so people are mad at him instead of you until Barb steps in and people just NOPE out of being disgruntled bc fuck upsetting the time lord himself.

The fucking image I get-

Just you and Mammon coming home piss drunk, Mammon has cherry red hair and yours is mac and cheese orange, tumbling in on Barb and Asmo trying to enjoy some tea and gossip. Seeing as youre both so drunk already, Asmo figures you wont feel a thing if he were to give you that nipple piercing youve been wanting and just...does it. So you wake up newly pierced :D so its good that you free the nipple bc its gonna be S E N S I T I V E for a while homie.

Asmodeus can and will convince his unicorn brother to help him track down a pegasus. Barbatos watches through a time bubble, amused as Asmodeus attempts to "pretty up" the pegasus for you, thought the creature doesnt co operate very well until you get there. Asmodeus will let you gawk and coo over the horse with wings for a while before getting a little jealous and wanting skme attention too. Oh and that gown? He sewed it for you lovely.

Hey ho brachio, hey ho go go go totally not from a pink fong song Ik bc of my baby brother yeah, its a great idea in theory and Mammon will help you get sales buuuuuut really someone with...a little more self control should handle the finances. Barb isnt nominating himself, but hes nominating himself.

On a similar note, all three of them are going to want to be sugar babies with you. Especially Asmo. Then Mammon. And yes, even Barb. Dude needs to relax a bit. Also the exchange rate of USD to Grimm is solid. Like....oh I cant remember the math but like $100 was like $8000 Grimm? So find yourselves a human world sugar daddy and youll be FINE.

Your hobbies align with Asmo and Barb, though Mammon has plenty of experience with his little brother, so he'll hear you out gladly on your otaku rambles.

Anyways

I hope this was satisfactory my anonymous friend.

Now come out of hiding!!! /lh

[sweetest-honeybee]

Down to Dust

Chapter 4

Fic Summary: Grian will have to keep the dragon egg secure for the Watchers. But, they’re not the only ones who want it. On a completely unrelated note, Mumbo will have to deal with a version of himself thats only amplified by his No Killing mindset.

Chapter Sumamry: Mumbo was surprised to find that Grian was right when he said the egg was magical.

TW: Slight electrocution I suppose, and descriptions of lightning

Word Count: 2415

Notes: Again, the two farms are in the overworld, not in the Nether or End for the sake of the fic

Enjoy! And this one deserves a Read More because it’s long lol

——————

By the end of the next day, Mumbo had finished his first farm and half of his second farm. Much to his surprise, the egg didn’t bear any harm. It was strangely quiet recently but it didn’t bother him any. At the moment, it was in his inventory should anyone come by and see that he had it. It’d ruin his plans and he didn’t want to give up the egg just yet. Really, he could probably keep it forever. It had been completely safe and comfortable- or, as comfortable as an egg can be- since he stole it. Mumbo called that pretty responsible.

Who was he kidding, Grian would kill him eventually if he never found it himself.

He laid down the last of the comparators for the third row, focused more on finishing his farm than overthinking the egg situation. If all went well so far, they should be able to work on their own if he flipped a lever. The redstoner pulled the egg from his inventory and held it up to his face.

“I think everything looks about right so far, yeah?” He turned the egg as if there was a face to show his work. The egg quite obviously never spoke but it helped to explain the redstone and find the flaws in his contraptions.

Nothing seemed out of place. The first row’s test went swimmingly and by replicating that a few more times, all should go as planned when he tested them together. With his luck it may not happen but he could stand to be a little optimistic at least. Mumbo went on to build the last of the uniform rows and easily finished another quarter of the farm. All was down to just encasing said farm in a wall of glass to avoid the items spilling over the sides.

He stood back once more with his hands on his hips, the egg now by his feet. The redstoner was proud to say the least. He looked down at the egg which only sat stock still. Leaving the egg, he turned to dig in his chest for more materials.

Unbeknownst to him, however, the egg wouldn’t stay still for much longer.

“Glass, glass, where on Earth did I put the glass?” He mumbled to himself. He continued to rummage. Eventually, he pulled away from the chest with an internal cheer. “Of course it was next to the pistons.”

He swirled back around when he began to hear small pops from behind him. As he did, Mumbo’s eyes widened. Small purple sparks crackled every so often at the base of the egg and quickly began to grow in size. The egg itself launched into a fit of rapid vibrating.

“Oh! Uh-oh!” He dropped the glass next to him, shattering upon impact, and hurriedly jogged to the now terrifyingly lively egg. “Please tell me you're supposed to do that!”

The redstoner hesitated, going to touch it, then pulling away with a worried whimper. Mumbo didn’t want to touch it but he panicked as he was at a loss of what to do. The egg was calm for weeks before now. Even Grian would’ve said something if the egg had done something like this before Mumbo stole it.

Ah…Grian did tell him it was a magical egg.

Mumbo only thought Grian was joking to keep him from taking it. He’s never seen a dragon egg do that! It was just from the update, he suggested to himself. Eggs were just suddenly powerful and might destroy his days of work. He laughed nervously and pulled at his tie. It didn’t matter what he thought, the small sparks were now large bolts that shot their way into the ground. It singed the grass around it, turning it to a coal black. He had to back away from the egg’s ever expanding radius of energy.

“Oh what do I do- what do I do?!” Then, the obvious idea appeared and he palmed his forehead. “Grian!”

The redstoner fumbled to get his communicator from his pocket, almost dropping it several times. He miss-clicked several icons with petrified fingers and growled in frustration. Only when he finally opened the chat, the egg ceased its episode with an immediate halt. He looked up from the screen with caution and took another step away from the egg.

The area fell silent. Not a bird’s chirp or leave’s rustle broke the blanket of stillness that suddenly washed over everything. It wasn’t a comfortable silence, though.

He inched forward with small steps, clutching his communicator. Seconds passed, then a minute.

“H…Hello?” He said tentatively. He stuck a leg out, poking at it with the tip of his shoe then retracting his leg once more. A sigh escaped his lips. “Good, I guess that’s over with then.”

But it wasn’t. The egg was hardly finished as the bolts started again, much much larger than their already massive size they reached before it stopped the first time. Mumbo shrieked and attempted to retreat back to his chest. It took no longer than five seconds before a wave of the purple energy resonated through the ground and absorbed into the two farms. It knocked Mumbo from his feet and onto the grass, sending an electric shiver through his body.

He shielded his neck with his arms and waited. He only turned over when the sounds of roaring pistons caught his attention. But, that was hardly what he worried about as he watched in awe- good or bad, he wasn’t sure yet- at the effects of the egg’s sudden show of magic.

Both farms were activated and running faster than any farm he’d ever seen. Items upon items flowed down water streams and into stacks of chests. Some items avoided their intended route and simply floated in all directions above the farms. It was loud, incredibly loud. Mumbo nearly had to cover his ears as he initially cowered from the noise. However, he soon pulled himself to his feet and slowly approached the over-efficient farms.

A violet haze emitted from the redstone, replacing its originally reddish color, and from the cracks between each set of stone bricks. Each block crackled and hissed with energy, and it almost felt as if he were gaining some of that energy himself. Small bolts fizzled out over his suit. He lifted his left hand and turned it over, watching as sparks flew over and down his fingers to their tips.

To put it simply, it was a beautiful and supernatural sight. He wasn't sure how to react. His own heart was still racing- from the energy around him or his nerves, he also didn’t know.

While in the middle of the two farms, he glanced back at the egg which no longer twisted and turned, but sat with slowly flowing violet streams of energy penetrating the ground. Much like the hum of a conduit sounded from it. Now, it seemed very calm in contrast to its earlier fit. Mumbo assumed- for obvious reasons, really- that the egg powered the farms despite the contraptions having been able to power themselves via redstone. It was captivating and he couldn’t help but to become curious about what was inside the egg that would’ve given it so much power. That or had it already been created with it. Either way, he yearned to learn more about it. It could be revolutionary and improve efficiency immensely.

Although, the event was short lived as the egg’s energy flow sputtered and dissipated, leading to the farms shutting down with it. Mumbo looked up as items began to rain over his shoulders when they fell. But, he was hardly bothered. At this moment he realized a few things.

His farms worked, thankfully; The egg held an amount of power that could power several farms; Mumbo wanted to keep the egg for even longer to experiment.

Of course, he still wanted to eventually return it but as someone who couldn’t kill anything, the egg could help him for the time being...He already had many ideas popping into his head by the second. It only made him giddy for what was to come. He ran over and scooped up the egg with an ear-to-ear grin, holding it up to his face.

“You, my friend, are one wicked egg,” he complimented. Then, he put it in his inventory and prepared to fly home. He’d clean up the mess later.

As he rocketed off to his base, he noticed his red sweatered friend sitting alone on the roof of his house. Even when Mumbo flew by, Grian didn’t wave or nod up to him or really even look at him. Piquing his curiosity, though he should just go home and avoid confrontation, he landed behind Grian and carefully stepped down the slope of the roof.

“Hey! Haven’t heard from you much today,” he greeted. Mumbo was only met with silence. “Are you okay?”

After a second, Grian twitched when he realized that someone was talking to him. He turned his head to where Mumbo crouched down next to him.

“Oh! Sorry, I was just thinking. This is my thinking roof.”

The redstoner hummed. “Ah, don’t wear yourself out then,” he laughed.

“You should try it sometime with that empty head of yours.” The avian chuckled dryly and looked back to the setting sun, the small smile falling from his face.

“Thanks,” Mumbo replied, initially with a smile himself but found himself meeting Grian’s frown. He waited a few seconds before speaking again. Then, he tapped his fingers on the deepslate. “So...what’re you thinking about?”

“A lot, honestly. It's still the beginning of the season, I’m sure everyone is.” He waved a hand dismissively then looked at Mumbo. “What about you? Have you been thinking about anything?”

Mumbo snorted, attempting to lighten the mood. “Thinking isn’t good for me. I overthink when I do and it hurts my brain.” He paused. “But, if you’d really like to know, I’ve been thinking about the egg.”

This made Grian perk up. “What about it? Do you know where it is?”

The redstoner hesitated. Not yet, he can’t give it up just yet. “What? No, not at all. But, I had a question.”

Grian deflated, then looked away with his chin on his arms, legs tucked to his chest. “Alright, shoot.”

Mumbo’s stomach twisted. “I uh- maybe now isn’t the best time actually. You know, while it’s missing and all.” He cracked a half smile.

“Yeah, while it’s missing,” the builder scoffed. “Just ask me, I’m sure I can answer.”

“Ah- um, sure. Why...why is the egg so special to you? I understand sentimentality, but it just seemed more…” He sighed. “I don’t know. I wondered maybe- maybe it uh… did something, you know? You said it was a magical egg. Maybe you could tell me about it?”

He heard a low chuckle from Grian. “It’s just some stupid egg, it’s not magical.”

“I- oh.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that was disappointing for you, wasn’t it,” Grian sneered. The two stopped. Grian pulled his head up and Mumbo furrowed his brows. “Nevermind, I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry. Just stressed.”

Mumbo stood and tightened his jaw, ignoring the builder’s excuse. “You know, you’ve been real onto me about that egg. Why don’t you tell me about that instead or go bother Scar. Every conversation I have with you now is just accusing me of taking it.”

Grian thought back to what Aisling said, then his last thought before he came to the roof. “Because maybe I saw you sneak into my house and steal the egg. And maybe, I don’t know, it’s my stuff.” He stood and faced Mumbo with a finger to the redstoner’s chest. “And maybe it’s because you are an insanely terrible liar.”

The other was at a loss for words, opening his mouth then clamping it shut repeatedly. The tips of his ears reddened in embarrassment. Of course Grian probably saw him take it, anyone could’ve. But why didn’t he say anything before? Satisfaction? Did he want Mumbo to just admit to it?

It didn’t matter now, the jig was up and all of his plans for the egg were now down the drain.

“I- I’m sorry,” was all he could muster. “I didn’t think it was such a problem.” He looked down at his shoes. “You…have been acting differently since it was gone, I didn’t think I made you mad.”

The avian sighed in relief and put a hand on Mumbo’s shoulder. “I’m not- look at me,” Mumbo lifted his head, “I’m not mad. Really, I’m not. A little annoyed, maybe, but not mad.”

“But you just scolded me like a toddler!” The redstoner whined.

Grian laughed. “Because you have to do that when a toddler lies to you. But, I’m not angry at you, at Scar, or anyone else. I want to tell you why that egg is important, I do, but it’s not the time for that, yet.” He patted his friend’s shoulder. It was clear Mumbo had more questions but decided to avoid them. “So, where is it?”

“Ah- well, I should warn you first about something.” Grian’s eyes widened. “No, no! Nothing happened to it! But um- well, it’s not ‘just some stupid egg’, it’s one seriously powerful egg, dude. What kind of dragon did you fight?!”

“...Excuse me?”

“Yeah! It powered two of my farms at once, did this huge explosion thing with a bunch of lightning, and it was awesome, but the egg-”

Grian took a hold of Mumbo’s shoulders roughly. “Mumbo, did it do anything to you.” The builder was suddenly very serious, as if Mumbo would die if he said yes.

So, of course he lied. “No? I was well away from it.” Grian let go and crossed his arms with a raised brow. “I was! I ran away because I obviously didn’t want to die.”

The other sighed. “Good, I need it now, then.”

Mumbo pulled it from his inventory, hesitating to give it back. Then, he put it in Grian’s outstretched palm. With nothing more to say, he waved goodbye and glided back to his van. Grian watched as he did and once the van’s door slid shut, he looked down at the egg. While he inspected the egg, he noticed a new detail to its shell that made his stomach sink.

A cursive two letter initial, MJ.

[yamithediaperdork]

Baby bird and Super daddy (DC)

it was Friday afternoon and school was out which only meant one thing for a group of young sidekicks: it was time to haul their butts to San Francisco and more to the point to Titans tower.

Oddly though one member of the titans wasn't getting his normal ride from Gotham to the tower with his mentor Batman, AKA Bruce Wayne but inside had been picked up in Smallvile by his surrogate big brother Nightwing who was also giving a ride to Kon-el, AKA Superboy.

Sulking and pouting in his costume, Robin AKA Tim drake was blushing and his bottom looked a little more puffy then normal, but only a expert would know to look and see it.. so Naturally Dick had.

"So I'm not one to judge, I mean, I've know you and Kon where hooking up for awhile." Dick said, smirking and while he kept a eye on the controls of his aircraft, he made sure to steal looks back at the blushing big time Tim who had been tugged into Kon's lap. And of course Kon was smirking.

"but I just need to know, Is my little brother from anther mother in huggies because you two are kinky, or Kon needs to stop topping for awhile?"

"DICK!" Tim shrieked and whined, burying his face in Kon's shoulder and whining.

"He tried to make me his little guy, needless to say it backfired." Kon chuckled, and rubbed Tim's back and patted the boys bottom, a faint crinkling being heard only by Kon due to his super hearing over the dim of the plane.

"Oh, I HAVE to hear more..but before that.. I think I have a juice box or two if the little guy is thirsty." Dick offered.

"Dickkkkkk!" Tim whined and pouted, shooting daggers though his mask.

"Well he is a thirsty bitch, but he had a big ba-ba of fresh milk before we left." Kon chuckled.

"Hate you both." Tim whined and tried to squirm out of Kon's lap, but he was a boy of tissue in a boy of steel's grip, and wasn't going anywhere.

As Dick chuckled, Kon reached into Tim's belt and pulled out a superman logo pacifier and popped it in the boy wonders mouth and rocked him, and in seconds Tim had gone night night and Kon was free to tell the story.

Tim had pleaded and begged to hang out with Kon-el for the two days he had off from school back in Gotham (the staff was recovering from the latest attack by a bat rouge, Riddler this time.)

Bruce had tried to say the time could be used to help out with Gotham but after getting Alfred on his side it had only taken anther half hour before Bruce was dropping Tim off by the Kent farm, commenting on how much extra baggage he had taken with him for just going there for Thursday and Friday (Tim had spare clothes at titans tower)

Tim had come up with a excuse that he might help on the farm and didn't wanna end up smelling like cow dropping and Bruce had let it go.

Superboy of course who's X-ray vision was coming and going at this point had been able to spot right away was was in the extra luggage and just smirked to himself.

The Kent's of course knew without being told that Tim and Kon were dating, Connor just wouldn't shut up about him and they were practically all over each other calling it rough housing.

"If that's what you kids these days call it. Take it out to the barn." Was all Pa said, not looking up from his newspaper.

Once out in the barn, Tim went right to work turning on the puppy dog eyes and kissing Kon's neck and blowing in his ear, things that drove the boy of steel wild.

"Koooon, I have a hawt idea we should try out." Tim said in his 'I'm so cute you can't refuse me' voice which normally had Kon wrapped around Tim's little finger.

However forewarned Kon was ready and kept his control in place, though asked what Tim wanted to try out.

"Well have you ever heard of diaper punishment or age play?" Tim had asked, opening the luggage and holding up a teen sized diaper with little bat symbols on it and holding it out, grinning ear to ear.

Kon however, returned that grin with his own and played along, though not like Tim had expected.

"oh I see, You wanna be my little baby bird! Cute! and you even got bat diapers! Adorable!" Kon gushed as Tim's jaw dropped.

"W-What? No! I-" Tim started, blushing bright red.

"Ohhh I've heard of this, you're gonna act like you don't want it so you can be a pouty little boy while enjoying your diapie wipies~" Kon chuckled, dashing up and snatching the diaper from the smaller boys hands and planting a smooch on him, tongue dominating Tim's mouth and feeling the fight go out of Tim for a second.

he also felt the boy wonder less then wonderful hard on press against his leg and broke off the kiss.

"well I think that answers whether or not you want daddy Kon to make you a good little baby bird." Kon said.

"I what.. No! I was gonna.. you were gonna.." Tim whined, flustered and trying to will away his hard-on, but but there was no amount of zen training with Batman that was going to make the boy wonder's stiffie vanish.

"Oh look, you have a paddle, and some baby outfits.. paci's and ba-ba's..Damn you must REALLY wanna just be a helpless little diaper dork huh sweetie?" Kon was saying, looking though all the supplies tat had been meant for him and super warming up to the idea of babying Tim.

There was even a pair of jean overalls with crotch snaps so a certain diaper boy could work on the farm!

"and look at all these diapers! Somebody plans on making LOTS of presents for his super daddy huh?" Kon added.

"NO I DO NOT! THAT WAS ALL MEANT FOR YOU!" Tim whined and stomped a foot, hands balled in fists and at his sides.

Sadly, this did nothing to help his argument.

"Baby bird, that's enough of the attuide. You need to take off your big boy clothes and lay down so I can get you in a diapie or else mister man." Kon said, smirking but trying to have a authoritative tone, picking up the paddle.

"YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS!" Tim yelled.

Sadly as it turned out for Tim's poor soon to be bright red backside, Kon had the balls and more.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Kon guessed the effort he had put into the spanking (and being nice enough not to use the paddle too!) was about a 3 or 4, but from the howls and sobs that had escaped the soon to be pampered sidekick, you'd of sworn he had gone all out.

'Man, either full on humans are more fragile then I thought, or Tim just can't take a spanking!' Kon mused as he cleaned up the puddle that the boy wonder had made during his ten swats, and let's just say it wasn't urine. 'Though for someone who's sobbing so much with his nose in the corner..'

"Baby bird, you're gonna wake up half of Smallville with that sobbing, I'm gonna need you to tone it down or I'll have to get creative with gagging you." Kon called over sweetly.

Tim, with pants gone and butt glowing bright red from the spanking and having his hands on the back of his head turned around from the corner and moved his mouth as if to argue, then apparently thought better of it and meekly nodded his head.

"I-I'll try.." Robin sniffled and whined, any trace of him trying to be dom had left his body when he'd creamed himself from being spanked.

"I could give you one of your paci's, but you have to promise to be a very good boy and not spit it out, I'll just pop it back into your mouth anyways." Kon offered.

Looking around the dirty floor of the barn, Tim made a icky face and nodded he could be good and opened his mouth for the customed Superman paci, with the large oversized rubber nipple making Tim start to drool down his chin in seconds.

"it's too bag you didn't pack a enema kit, I bet you have the CUTEST 'i'm pooping!' face baby bird!" Kon commented, having laid most of the items out on his bed and chuckling at the whimper that escaped from Tim.

"Shucks, and Pa and ma Kent kicked us out to the barn for the night.. I know ma has a nice big one. Ah well, there's always tomorrow." Kon chuckled and shrugged.

Tim gave a series of muffled protests around the paci turning a little pale at the thought of getting a massive soapy enema while Kon and the Kent had breakfast, though it was also making him get a little excited.

"Hmmm? Oh I see someone likes the idea~ thats great! I'm sure Ma and Pa won't mind having a baby around the house." Kon laughed.

Tim whined and wanted to argue, wanted to take out the paci and say no way in hell,m but his body betrayed him again and he made anther puddle instead.

"Sheesh, You must be backed up like crazy.. Better get you pampered before you paint the walls."

"Wait, did he really cream himself again just from-" Nightwing asked, snickering and glad he'd switched to auto pilot for this.

"NO I didn't!" Tim whined and huffed, squirming in his seat.

"Baby bird, what did I tell you about telling fibs?" Kon warned wagging a finger at the smaller boy.

"...OK maybe I did.. But it's not my fault! you know how hard it is to crank one out at the mansion since Alfred doesn't approve!!" Tim whined and sulked,

"Actually back in my day Alfred just left me tissues and Lotion and a note asking I keep my voice down." Dick chuckled, though he blushed a little as he recalled it.

"That's SO unfair!!" Tim whined and huffed.

"Don't worry about it baby bird. now that you'll be my little guy at least once a week I'll make sure you're never backed up again." Kon teased and kissed Tim's forehead.

"My hero.." Tim huffed. "Just finish the poopie story."

To say the Kent's were a little shocked the next morning when A clearly diapered Tim was lead over, sucking on a paci and dressed to go to work in the field would of been a understatement, but as the human couple that had raised Superman from babyhood to adult, Had been the home of Matrix while she was still adjusting to life on this earth and were now looking after Kon,,they got over the shock rather quickly.

If anything, Kon had called it and Ma Kent dotted on baby Tim right away, though to Kon's disappointment (and maybe Tim's) she turned down the idea of giving Tim a enema for fun.

"Those are just in case the widdle cutie is all backed up!" she scolded Kon, who pouted a little but backed down.

Breakfast was egg's and bacon for the Kent's and Kon, and a bowl of oatmeal for widdle Timmy who (thankfully!) was too big to fit in Kal's old highchair, but they did have a booster seat he was put into and had one of Kal's old bibs tied around his neck.

"You know, after we get the farm work done, we could go into the wood shop and likely make him a high chair." Pa mused.

"W-What?" Tim asked, his spoon dropping into the bland icky oatmeal.

"Oh, get idea pa! Think we could make him a crib too?" Kon asked, grinning ear to ear.

"I don't see why not. Just a shame Most of Clark's old stuffies didn't make it." Pa chuckled.

"heh, I can help with that. I've been making teddy bears for the church to sell so I think I could make our new widdle great grandson one or two. Do you want a teddy bear Timmy?" Ma asked and reached over, using the bib to wipe a spot of oatmeal off of Tim's face.

"I...I..I.." Tim whimpered and squirmed like crazy in the high chair, suddenly thankful that Kon was the only one with hearing good enough to heard what he was doing to the front of his diapers, though Kon just smirked.

"Trust me Ma, he does."

[marvel-teen-comics]

A RETROSPECTIVE ON YOUNG JUSTICE: or me trying to fix what aint broke.

First of all, I want to preface this by saying I know this is a "Marvel Comics" account, its literally in my name, and young justice is neither marvel or a comic. but it is the only DC property I really care about and if I posted this to my main it wouldn't be seen by anyone so forgive me

I also originally wrote this in long text message form to a friend (sorry @flashgame) who has only seen up to half way through season 2, so I haven't included anything about large plot points in seasons 2 and 3. Thats not really what this is about tho so I think my points still stand. These are also just my garbage opinions, I love this show I am just venting and you may disagree, you will probably disagree but I sometimes just have to get stuff like this out my system and thats what's this blog is for. I will go back to making memes about decades old X-men comics after this I promise.

With that out of the way here's my rant :)

For me, young justice’s biggest asset, the ensemble cast is also its biggest flaw. don't get me wrong, incorporating many characters (including obscure ones) into the team gave the show great character dynamics, the freedom to do what they wanted with less popular characters and great fan service for everyone. Buuuut it’s also completely inconsistent with who gets the spotlight and it’s plagued with the problems of just having too many characters. Some characters get huge storylines, massive amounts of screen time, often more than they ever got in the comics and that’s great! it seriously is, young justice is the best adaptation of characters like Kalder, M’gann and Artemis etc it’s literally the most time in the spotlight they ever get. but it’s like the writers just can’t help themselves when adding extra characters! it starts out in season 1 and gets exponentially worse by season two.

What you may notice by season 2 is that, with the new characters introduced, some have been given more air time than others. it definitely starts in season 1. Season 1 is a damn perfect study into how to introduce and build characters, having them each have storylines and later, relationships with each other. the show begins by showing us it’s not sticking to the normal way of doing an ensemble kids show, with the main team meeting in the first ep or two and then remaining the same until maybe one other character is added or a whole lot in a second season as a “new class” (Think X-men evolution adding the new mutants in season 2). Instead M'gann isn’t added till like ep 3 and artemis isn added till like ep 5/6?? i can’t remember trust me it’s quite late for a main team character to be introduced in a first season. that’s probably the first warning sign, even the original team takes a while to form but things are still ok, even the inclusion of Zatanna works kinda because she has the storyline with her dad. but Rocket? yeah...rockets a weird inclusion

she’s added in the last two episodes of the first season and then by season 2? she’s left again and is in the justice league. she gets two episodes!!! two! to be in The Team! like that’s weird and telling of what happens next. the show sticks to a varely normal schedule of adding new members, similarly to X-Men evolution, and like evo those new characters aren’t focused on that much. but evo handelled it better. when it comes to new characters it’s obvious that some are getting much more screen time than others, and some are just more compelling too. the time jump really screws stuff up, adding new characters in (and removing others like Rocket) in the five years off screen means they have to do a good job making us like them because we’re not introduced to them in an organic way.

take Mal and Bumblebee, technically we see them in season 1 but they’re basically cameo/easter egg roles. by season 2 they’ve joined the team and they don’t really get a lot to do after that either. it’s weird and because of the time skip we don’t see them joining, we don’t see bumblebee getting her suit (yeah we can infer it’s from The Atom but really they skip a lot) you might argue that this is necessary for a lot of characters, people like bumblebee, batgirl or even wonder girl have these backstory that don’t really fit in so they're just skipped over to make room for the easily included story’s like blue beetles and impulses

but we still feel like we’re missing something. talking of some of the characters let’s actually look at who got added right? In season 2 its starts to become obvious characters are coming to the front and other are in the background. beast boy is well set up in season 1, he’s well incorporated into the story of a main team character and even tho he’s not integral to the plot of season 2 he works great. same goes for blue beetle and impulse, they’re both great new characters with interesting personalities, backstorys and they do plot relevant things. lagoon boy is also an inclusion that seams necessary, he’s obviously there to be part of the love triangle thing but he’s also useful to randomly get captured and be an annoying character to piss of other members of the team. everyone else tho? it’s really hard justifying them being there. Batgirl, Tim, Wondergirl, Bumblebee and Mal just...don’t do anything. yeah they get thrown a bone once or twice but really it feels like the roles they fill could be filled by other already established people? or they could have been side characters outside of the team. they feel shoe horned in and they don’t get any time to grow. instead storylines focus on the original team, (which is kind of inevitable) and season 1 side characters like Red Arrow, and, of course the previously mentioned new characters that actually work with the story.

i can definitely see why some of these characters were added, Mal and Karen were set up in season 1 so i assume the writers always planned for them to be in season 2. the time skip (let’s be honest) is pretty much entirely there to facilitate Dick becoming nightwing and so of course both Jason, and then Tim (probably because jason comes with too much baggage) had to be included. Batgirl also seasons like a solid choice because she’s from that era of batman and it might seam strange not to include her. and wonder girl continues the “The Teams is made of sidekicks” thing. but come onnnn. Tim and Barbara could have been side characters who we see in one episode (maybe one with Dick dealing with being replaced as Robin or something) and the same can be said about Mal and Bumblebee (wonder girl can be cut tbh)

you can also argue that yeah, maybe the plan was to flesh these characters out in season 3 but it got cancelled. but the season 3 we got adds even more useless characters and actually pushes the good characters from this season into the background. even if changes were made in between the cancellation of the original season 3 and the one we got, i stiiilll think they’d have added the useless characters (this is a bit harsh but season 3 does add a lot of new characters) and not focused on the ones they already had because we saw it in season 1 with Zatanna and Rocket. it’s like the writers get bored easily with characters or something? like they just can’t stop themselves adding new toys to play with. I love this show so much, but after a now third rewatch i still believe the same thing i thought the first time i watched this, I love all the characters, i love all the references but god there are so many characters and so many references

[n-ugg]

I didn't expect to get tagged but here we are. As you all will be able to tell in a bit, I am a massive Quackity fan

Thank you for tagging me @skeetlehands!

who is your favourite member on the smp?

Look, I love them all but these have a special place in my heart.

Quackity, Slimecicle (I am fully aware he just joined but I still love him), Schlatt, Tubbo, Eret, AweSamdude, and Ponk.

They're just great in and out of character and just have comforting vibes.

when did you first start watching the smp and what made you get into it?

I gotten in during the Pogtopia era since it took me a while to get access to the streams.

I mainly gotten in with the Sad-ist War animatics along with me trying to catch up on Quackity's VODS. Just someone that I was already familiar with being an easier shift into story and learning others through him

what is your favourite part about watching the smp?

Just watching everyone interact with other and just seeing the plot progress in real time. Its literally just dnd but with extra steps but I enjoy it so much

The improv that they all do is amazing and how everyone have different approaches to their characters makes my writer's side so happy with dissecting everything.

What piece of cursed lore is your favourite

That Wilbur canonically fucked a fish and Philza canonically fucked a Samasung fridge and just seeing the fanbase try to change into something that will at least make a bit more sense.

Im included in this, I basically joined the side that has Sally being a mermaid shapeshifting pirate. Mainly because of pirate Fundy

Who is your favorite duo on the smp

Slimecicle and Ranboo: They're the same person but in different fonts, you can convince me otherwise

Schlatt and Quackity: They managed to be super funny together with all of the jokes and balanced with making a very realistic abusive relationship work. It was always fun seeing them flirt with each other for a joke then get hit with whiplash when canon comes in to remind me that this isnt healthy

Tubbo and Tommy: They're two dumbasses who share the same braincell but then they constantly lose it and Tubbo mainly has custody of it

Wilbur and Schlatt: I just enjoy seeing Schlatt messing with Wilbur and occasionally flirts with him to get Wilbur more pissed off

Who are your comfort streamers

Quackity and Slimecicle are comfort streamers

Eret, Fundy, and AweSamdude are my comfort people (meaning I dont watch them as much but I find comfort in their presence. And the other two are also under this category)

Who is your favorite character

Quackity due to how complex his character is and yet how it looks so simple

Schlatt because is just a villian who knows how to play the game without getting caught

Tubbo, watching him trying to be hopeful with everything destroy around him and he just slowly become used to everything going wrong

AweSamdude because he is just trying his best to be a father figure others and I just got family issues

Who do you think the best actor(s) on the smp

Imma skip over the ones that we all already said and get into the ones that dont get enough praise

Quackity: Just how he managed to make his character seem so basic but in reality its really complex. And just seeing the shift from him being a chaotic force of nature to being a serious character that is trying his best to reach something that has been hanging over his head is just *chefs kiss* and he always delivers amazing lines on the spot.

BadBoyHalo: He is doing great right now, even though he is a bit rusty with starting he still manages to get into character and stay in character the entire time. When slowly easing in, you can tell its a bit forced but once he finds his footing, he knows how to deliver his lines.

AweSamdude: His entire bit where he was getting rescued from the egg fucking hurt. How he sounded weak from the entire thing and tired to where he just wanted to rest was so well. And I know he can act more energetic when he was accidentally dragged into playing a cop during Quackity's and Bad's date

Fundy: You guys need to give him more praise for his acting because he is fucking amazing at it. The little touches to how he voice when speaks is so good along with his body language in game. He knows what he's fucking doing and I love him for that. And when he snapped, it made complete sense if you payed attention to his character

I didnt add Ranboo because he's automatically at the top section due to him being a dnd player. Same goes to Slimecicle even though he hasnt acted yet. I dont make the rules. You play dnd, you know how to act

What are your favorite quotes

I dont have favorite quotes, just dialog heavy scenes.

Before Doomsday, Quackity going to take his horse far away from L'Manberg, it being the one thing he cares about. It was just so good

The entire Schlatt and Quackity argument in front of the white house

The meeting between Schlatt and Quackity with Schlatt yelling out to him in a taunting way to where Tommy and Quackity are trying to figure out what happened to the tnt. I constantly rewatch it to feel the adrinaline pumping to feel something

Wilbur's slow descend into insanity and talking to Tommy. Just showing his paranoia and fears consuming him, him projecting his fears into Tommy as an attempt of manipulation, and his hero complex shift into villian one

Schlatt's winning speech of him projecting it as something that was bound to happen no matter what. The amount of charisma and confidence that was in his voice as I was watching Tommy hiding underground in fear was just a perfect scene

Tommy's argument with Dream when everyone is protecting Tommy. Its the small details of Tommy taunting Dream to kill him, knowing he wont no matter what. Him telling everyone to protect Tubbo and everyone listening without hesitation.

The debate that Quackity and Dream had for like 11 or 14 minutes. All of that was completely unprompted unscripted, it was just so satisfying seeing someone stand up against Dream for the first time and actually beating him. Sure it was in a verble conflict but it still counts as a defeat

Be honest, who do you simp for? (Ayo if anyone says Tommy or Tubbo I will🗡)

Schlatt, Quackity, and Slimecicle

Its pretty obvious, I dont really try to hide it

Whats your favorite stream

Uhhhh I dont exactly have one so none I guess

Whats your least favorite streams

Im sorry, but all of the Jackbox stream. You need a specific group of people to play together in order to actually make it funny and keeping the energy throughout the entire thing.

After a bit later, everyone has a tendency of pandering to the audience and repeat jokes. They managed to beat jokes to the ground faster than Tiktok AND Twitter.

Dont get me started with DreamTeam being in there. They're funny in thier own rights but the shipping jokes get so unfunny so quick and they dont know how bounce off of others well. The only exception to this is when Quackity, Velvet, and Ant were playing with Sapnap and Dream. And thats because they decided to mess with the straight white guys into accidently saying offensive shit and seeing those two suffer with trying tiptoe around was so amusing

Whats something about the smp fandom thay makes you sad

This doesnt get me sad, just frustrated and its mostly towards dsmptok and dsmptwt but sometimes this fandom doesnt fucking know how to analyze characters. Like when everyone jumped on Tubbo on being the bad guy when he was a kid trying to use old tatics that knows that worked before and stand up for himself

How when one person decides to do something that they believe is right, everyone just throws the term villian arc around

When one person does one good thing the suddenly everyone accepts into them being good and not ever looking into it.

For fucks sakes, I saw people keep saying that Quackity was turning into Dream or Wilbur and I just sat there being confused on how they conntected those dots that were in different books.

Its so frustrating to read through. But here on dsmpblr, you guys actually understand character analysis, are able to critique them and able to love whoever you enjoy.

Another thing is how this fanbase really puts everyone on a pedestal or objectify them. Just completely forgetting that they're human and treat the streamer as a character. Like, yeah they're playing up a persona whenever they're making content but theres a difference and you shouldn't hold them up like that.

You cant use the argument of "They're young, they dont know any better", when I first entered my first fandom (I was like 11/12), I fully understood that theres a boundary between me and the creator. What they are on screen is a persona but they're still human and I should treat them as such. Its just something that bugs me and its unnerving to see whenever people start getting wierd about it

Final bit is just how the twitch chat acts. They all force the streamer to follow the 'main' plot of it being Tommy or Techno or whoever the fandom chooses to have a favorite, completely ignoring the fact that they are their own character. No one wants to meta game because where is the fun in that but the fucking chat gets so annoying when the streamer goes against fanfavorite of the week. It drains the fun of it being multiple pov's and different characters.

When Slimecicle was barely starting stream I saw so many people spam "Go with Ranboo" and not let him even get into lore first. I hated that I knew it was coming but it was still so fucking frustrating seeing them try to boss him around. Please just let people live outside of the 'main' plot, not everything revolves around your favorites. Now shut the fuck up and let them play

What about the smp fandom that makes you happy?

The people that create art, animatics, theories, playlist, or write oneshots

All of you creators are great and deserve so much more respect then what the fandom gives you because jesus fucking christ they're all so fucking rude. You guys are the ones that are carrying this fandom on your backs and I fucking respect yall for that

________________

Time for da spead: @nixavia @dambette404 and @mocha-is-lost yall dont need to join.....unless😳😳😳

[jadeyharls]

💝

Send a 💝 and my Muse will ramble on about how they presently feel about yours.

i cant really do this without addressing the kids too so oh boy here we go

first off no jack, you are the dork!!!! it is you! even demise agrees with me there

that aside youre one of my best friends too or more like som weird extended family member actually considering my unofficial aunt role with the pups

you can be a massive pain in the neck sometimes but i love you anyway and i know that i can always count on you to be there

jesus fucking christ though we need to figure out how to find you some time for a break

seriously!!!! i think if you had one more kid your head would actually explode!

but yeah moving on

alpha can be... odd and i often dont know what to make of it but i know he is a good kid even if he can be a little rude to me sometimes

bones needs more hugs like seriously you could not give this sweet boy enough hugs in the world and he deserves all of them

timber... doesnt like me! so that about sums that up!

demise is a freaking meme personified and though she can be a little toot i still adore her

lily... oh goodness where do i even start with lily? she is a mystery to me sometimes especially with her obsession with some of the most random things like corn and rocks but she is also one of the sweetest things to walk both my timeline and yours! she also deserves all the hugs in the world and probably isnt afraid to tell you that in all honesty! she really needs to cut down on the sugar though... seriously? its scary :|

kami is a good kid and a surprisingly good cook! hes a little on the quiet side compared to some of his siblings but i think he keeps lily balanced and is generally a good sibling :) yeah i dont know what to make of the occult stuff hes into but hey so long as no one is getting hurt and he doesnt summon another demon well be all good! 

coral also doesnt like me and that is all im going to say about that haha

ekon is the bestest sleepy big fluff boy ever <3 if he keeps growing though im not sure what im going to do :|

ivory... well the egg thing gets a little out of control at times but hey she is the reason i have my wittle metal baby boy hehe :) shes a little excitable but mostly i think she is a sweet girl! ...just keep her away from my pets until she is older and knows better then to try and eat them 

pythia, well, doesnt say much but can be a sweet girl too! but uh... jack i kinda forgot to mention she showed up to my house a few days with a big ass bowie looking knife? you should probably check into that

BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH! thats rex for you hehe he is such a little ham for his age! i is finally learning some more words and it actually kinda bittersweet seeing him get bigger :,) like he is the baby and im just ahhhhhhhhhh

and bella... yeah you know how i feel about her right now after that stunt last night >:( i can not BELIEVE her!!!! i am being BULLIED BY A ONE YEAR OLD!!!

[mumofadaofficial-blog]

Sometimes life really is a fairy tale.

I knew I wanted children, hell, I thought I wanted a football team of them! Nathan on the other hand, didn’t think he would ever have a girlfriend, didn’t think he would ever fall in love, didn’t think he would ever move away from home (let alone to Norfolk), and definitely hadn’t even thought about kids. 

Me and Nathan met in Australia, one of my favourite places with the best memories! I was at a stage in my life where I didn’t want a boyfriend, I was happy with myself and content to be just me. Then BOOM, like a sack of shit, Nathan comes along (not that he’s a sack of shit but you know what I mean).

My first opinion of Nathan on a night out was ‘what a wanker!’ ‘Look at him, so arrogant’ Then I found myself outside with no one to speak to but him, instantly I thought ‘wow, you bitch, he’s actually nice!’ ‘That arrogant look is just his face!’ (Soz Nath) We got on like a house on fire, laughed and chatted most of the night  and then it came to the point that left me speechless…a hard task if you know me. He said mid conversation ‘I’ve got to stop talking to you else I’m gonna fall in love with you’ And that was it, he was gone! LIKE WTF!!!! Thinking about it now, how many girls you used that line on Nath? haha 

Now I was a bit unlucky in love previously and my dad said to me once ‘When you find the right one, you’ll know’. I thought that was bullshit and that Robbie P was living in some sort of fairy tale world. 

I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking that I had to to speak to him and see him again, problem was, I only knew his name was Nathan and that he lived in a house down the road. Should I just rock up there? Absolutely fucking not. So what did I do…trusty old Tinder! There was probably only about 40 people live in the area so it couldn’t be that hard to find him. I set the location to the lowest possible and got to work (yes I am a nutter!!) But I found him, swiped right and it was a match, slid into his DMs and the rest was history. With in about 2 weeks he had moved in and we started our relationship on that little banana farm in the middle of nowhere. We became best friends, I was due to come home to England but decided I had to give this a go, I went back to Oz and started my 2nd year visa, best decision I’ve ever made. We travelled some more together, made some amazing memories and decided it was time to come home to England and work towards our future.

 I remember asking him once if he wanted kids…he told me he’d never thought about it, maybe one day but maybe not. I think we were probably about 6 months into our relationship at this point, why he didn’t run a mile at my physco questions then I will never know! 🔪Maybe he knew I was the one….maybe he’s just too laid back to care! At that point I told him I could see us together for the rest of our lives, and if it was out of the question then that was going to be a big problem for me. I think he called me a nutter and maybe a few other words, but we’re still together so he must of seen something for us - even if he’s not very good with words!

Once we moved home I always did the big hint drops of babies and engagement and he would just say ‘Maybe one day’ then he told me the more times I spoke about marriage the longer it would take him to ask me…it did the trick and I stopped asking, well, stopped asking as much anyway.

So I found myself, 25 years old and in a seriously happy relationship with my best friend. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant or getting engaged. I was jealous! As selfish as that sounds I really wanted that to be me, I’m sure I’m not alone in this and I reckon a lot of people must feel like this at some point in their life. Id been on the pill since 16/17 and had all the thoughts of ‘how long will it take for this to come out of my system?’ and ‘Can I even get pregnant’. 

Id got to that stage of GIMME A BABY!! 

So in true me style, I had a melt down, cried a little bit and told Nath how I felt. Then in true Nathan style he simply said ‘Well, your not gonna get pregnant if you don’t stop taking your pill are you!’ 

That was it, we were officially trying for a fricken baby and I felt like I was going to combust with excitement! Now before trying for a baby me and Nath simply thought, if your not using any contraception and your having sex, your just gonna get pregnant, right? Little did we know about that fertile window. After month one of trying and not getting pregnant (very impatient I know), I got myself a handy little app and turned into some sort of crazy sex planner. If that app was green, we were doing it, and if it wasn’t, well maybe we should just incase. Poor Nath didn’t know what had hit him! I was recording periods, when we had sex, my moods, the lot! I think I must of done about 10 pregnancy tests in this time, I’m so impatient I just had to keep checking. Turns out it happened pretty quickly! We started trying at the end of August and by October I was preggers! I just had a ‘feeling’ now I’m not sure if everyone feels this when they are pregnant but I knew I was, I was convinced. We bought a test and I was itching to get home and do it. 

*Weeing commenced* It was one of those digital clear blue ones, I just sat there watching this little egg timer on the screen and it was too much, it was taking forever, I couldn’t cope sitting there so walked away and left it to develop. As I came back and bent down to pick it up, it pinged up on the screen ‘PREGNANT’ I could not fucking believe it! Naturally, I burst into tear, ran down stairs with my hand over my mouth and threw the test at Nathan. I think the actual words to come out of his mouth were ‘your fucking joking me’. He then started nervous laughing and reminded me how I told him it would probably take us a while to get pregnant because id been on the pill for so long, Opps. 2-3 weeks pregnant, I wanted to wait until our 12 week scan to tell anybody so now we had to try and keep it a secret! Hardest thing ever!! I remember us going to my mum and dads for tea one night before my scan and I asked Nathan if we could tell them, I thought they would suss it out If not as I’d been feeling a bit sick and faint. So I’m sat at the tea table and said ‘You know how your both really really good parents…’ Dad then chirps up ‘OH WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!’ (Thanks dad, really killed my flow) I then started crying and think I just about managed to get the words out ‘How do you feel about being grandparents again?’ I think we all had a little cry and then the excitement began! To tell Nathans mum and dad we wanted to wait until we were face to face so we couldn’t tell them until nearly Christmas time, after my scan. We got a card that was a Christmas card for grandparents and then put a scan picture inside. Nathans mum had completely bypassed the front of the card, then saw the scan picture and was gobsmacked! More tears - theres been a lot.

Finally we could tell the world - Best Christmas Ever!!

Robbie P was right, I’d got my fairytale after all and all my dreams had come true. 

Pregnancy was pretty kind to me with a small amount of sickness. For probably the first time ever I was happy with my body and the amazing thing it was doing. It always blows my mind what a womans body is capable of doing and how it can grow a tiny human. The summer however, was not so kind! Hottest summer ever and I’m waddling around like a bloody whale. Being heavily pregnant I imagine is not very comfortable at the best of times, but its a nightmare in the summer when nothing fits. Thats actually something I have noticed that winter maternity clothes are great, summer, crap! Just an FYI for people, and I’m sure I’m speaking on behalf of any woman thats been pregnant or is currently. Do not say to them, I repeat, do not say ‘WOAH, your huge!’ ‘Your massive’ ‘Look at the size of you’ thats the point where every woman just smiles sweetly and mutters under their breath to themselves. Definitely not what you want to hear when your walking round feeling like a flump squashed into clothes. 

When I’d got just 6 weeks left until due date I think Nath decided he’d try and put me into early labour to put me out of my sweaty misery. I got a call at work from my mum to say that Nathan had been in an accident and was at the hospital. I can’t explain the turmoil that goes through your mind. I just remember crying and asking if he was ok, mum didn’t say too much other than that he was going for a scan and that he was ok. I was told to drive to the hospital sensibly and not to panic…..of corse you do nothing but panic! I think I actually had a go at him when I got to the hospital, so kind and caring! Typical me. Him and mum had been arguing since late morning about who was going to ring me and tell me as neither of them wanted to do it, not like I was gonna have a breakdown or anything 😬

He’d rolled his fully loaded cement truck down a bank, completely squashed it and managed to pull himself out. To look at the photographs and from what the ambulance service had said, he was lucky to be alive, you can’t actually tell how a body could of been in the cab of the lorry, let alone got out of it. Nath had broke his back, now that sounds quite extreme but from looking at the photos I was happy that was his only problem. One good thing about it, he had to wear a back brace which people were more interested in staring at than my big bump - cheers Nath, always looking out for me.

Now after that and what happened with Ada I’m still trying to work out whether we are the luckiest or the unluckiest people in the world? Hopefully that was our bad year and we can have a break from shit for a while now please 🙏🏼 It has definitely tested us and I can't even begin to describe my stress levels throughout everything, but, It made me know 100% that if I was going to have to go through that much shit with anyone, I couldn't of picked a better person to tinder stalk. So this is kind of an appreciation post, thanks Nath for being my person, my bestie and super dad to the coolest kid out - you da bestest 🖤

[homodorablee]

1-60 lol

1. selfie: you snap me all day, you get plenty of selfies2. what would you name your future kids? 100% top secret.3. do you miss anyone? yes4. what are you looking forward to? going to bed. 5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? yes6. is it hard for you to get over someone? depends on who i am getting over. 7. what was your life like last year? it was a year of massive growth.8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? i am literally crying like 95% of the time. 9. who did you last see in person? my sister and my dad 10. are you good at hiding your feelings? depends on the emotion lol. 11. are you listening to music right now? a movie 12. what is something you want right now? cuddlesssssss13. how do you feel right now? exhausted14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? like 2 hours ago.15. personality description: lol nah. 16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't? yes.17. opinion on insecurities: everyone has them, i don't really have an opinion about them. 18. do you miss how things were a year ago? not at all. 19. have you ever been to New York? nope. 20. what is your favourite song at the moment? shoot and run // maude latour21. age and birthday? 21; september 29,199622. description of crush: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯23. fear(s): the dark, seaweed, heights, being forgotten24. height: like 5′625. role model: ellen degeneres probs26. idol(s): n/a27. things i hate: most people, when my food touches, being disrespected. 28. i'll love you if... you are a decent human being.29. favourite film(s): inside out, panic room, GBF, RENT30. favourite tv show(s): greys, svu, shameless, master chef junior, catfish, criminal minds.31. 3 random facts: anne frank and martin luther king jr were both born in the same year, one fourth of the bones in your body are located in your feet, nowhere in the humpty dumpty nursery rhyme does it say that humpty is an egg.  32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? girls33. something you want to learn: i would like to relearn sign language. 34. most embarrassing moment: literally all of middle school and high school. 35. favourite subject: i really enjoy my lab classes.36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? graduate college, marriage, financially stable. 37. favourite actor/actress: kristen stewart 38. favourite comedian(s): none lol.39. favourite sport(s): i love watching gymnastics, and i watch my schools football and basketball teams. 40. favourite memory: every year when i volunteer at summer camp. 41. relationship status: single 42. favourite book(s): i always enjoyed forever by judy blume but tbh i don't read. 43. favourite song ever: sanctuary // paradise fears44. age you get mistaken for: i don't think i ever have been 45. how you found out about your idol: see question 2646. what my last text message says: “I'm also friction good”47. turn ons: grinding, neck kisses, lip biting, nipple play, teasing. 48. turn offs: bad hygiene, rude, too rough49. where i want to be right now: idaho50. favourite picture of your idol: see question 2651. starsign: libra52. something i'm talented at: ruining the good things in my life. 53. 5 things that make me happy: sleep, my best friend, cuddling, lazy days, pasta. 54. something thats worrying me at the moment: my grandpas health. 55. tumblr friends: you 56. favourite food(s): crab, pasta, chicken tenders57. favourite animal(s): cats and monkeys58. description of my best friend: she is a badass bitch 59. why i joined tumblr: tbh i think my neighbor told me too but i was like 12 or 13 at the time. 60. ask me anything you want: you missed your shot pal. 

[buzzmemes]

Best Memes of February 2020: Get ready for fun

Best Memes of February 2020

We have compiled for you the best memes made in February 2020 It's 2020 and there's no deficiency of memes clearing the web. It doesn't take well before the most up to date memes are moving image sweethearts to make their own amusing adaptations and flooding internet based life nourishes wherever with them.

I feel this

Where the Newest Memes Come From

You can depend on a significant number of the most up to date memes to originate from huge occasions or patterns in amusement, sports, style, governmental issues, news and other general subjects of intrigue. For example, you ought to have the option to detect a ton of the accompanying memes from well known TV appears, Hollywood tattle, unscripted television, broadcast sports games and even mechanical advancements. An ancient format

Wtf how could I even forget Ben Swolo was a thing

How Are the Newest Memes Being Used in February 2020?

The most up to date memes are being utilized similarly as they generally have — via web-based networking media as tweets, pictures, GIFs, and short recordings. Whether you're reblogging an image on Tumblr or utilizing an image as an amusing response picture to a hypothetical circumstance portrayed in a Twitter tweet, there's basically no incorrect method to utilize an image in fubruary 2020 as long as you will probably be clever (and not offensive). To speed you up, we've compiled the best and funniest memes we've seen in 2020. These memes are the most liked memes from reddit, instagram, facebook and twitter. languages in a nutshell : Memes

Chinese Writing: We're talking about THIS Chinese Speaking: Squidward playing the clarinet Poor yoda : Memes

Kill myself I must,annoying luke is Advertising done right : Memes

it’s antibacterial itachi Americans when they wake up: angry noises : Memes

You underestimate the power of people with really bad sleep schedules. Big brain : Memes

The bridge contains metal. I don't want me or my kids any part of it! Water is H2O and much healthier! Ayy sexy lady : Memes

and then, just like a storm, it passed It's honest work : Memes

In Assassin's Creed II I restarted a whole sequence in Venice because I didn't press shift to hug Leonardo. He looked so dissapointed and sad. :( How companies think we see prices : Memes

$15 + $5 shipping? No thanks! $20 and free shipping? Hell yes! We are always watching : Memes

And we are mostly lurkers. Truly the superior studio : Memes

Kronk would like to have a word. I’m proud of that dude : Memes

I wish i could work for him. Maybe he wouldn't be a dick head boss when i fuck up. A pro gamer move : Memes

Whether we wanted it or not.... Like postman, like son : Memes

Who know maybe his mom is a fucking Amazon warrior princess Porn is a curse : Memes

An old friend of mine is a porn star. She started getting ‘milf’ roles in her mid-20s. Then again, maybe that’s a british thing? That really hurts : Memes

I don't care what universe your from,thats gotta hurt. I mean, she’s just kind of roasting herself by saying attractive people aren’t attracted to her, right? Like what does that say about her? Victory screech : Memes

My parents were so confused by that lmao. They whipped their heads around to look at me and were like, ", why did she do that???" It really do be that way : Memes

Damn Rowan Atkinson is hot Not just hot, he's burning All Ya had to do was follow the damn train mr bean "im gonna save you 20 minutes of ranting" : Memes

Me: The grades in American high school include 9th, 11th, 12th, et cetera Always gotta leave one out in case people ask for more examples Then you go, "well there are certainly too many more for a comprehensive list, but one major example is 10th grade" and then introduce some kind of non sequitur: "but in reality, undergraduate college grades are what we should be talking about" in the hopes they won't press you any further about high school grades. Most of the jobs I land have this problem : Memes

Anyone else rather have 2? It seems to come with a Doge! Less maintenance on #2. Guaranteed. More sedimental value on #2 Hmmm lots of rock value Just keeps getting better : Memes

Sounds like you got yourself a sugar mamma Sally Mae? Me too brother Good job 👍 : Memes

YES, I was playing Pokemon whilst browsing reddit, and a shiny Sobble came out the egg as soon as I went onto your post, ironic lol congrats on your shiny :) Thank you:) Did you capture it? Yep Show me a better hero : Memes

man, imagine the pressure for her to not do shitty in school now At least she gets to go there Going to college, but not being able to finish can sometimes make someone worse off than if they'd never gone to college at all. Paying for education is the deadliest trap card.............. Only in certain countries... nostalgic : Memes

I do that too. I just have 300 or so songs I hunted down from 2014 to now, and just cycle them. Hey, I've seen you on brawlstars Exposed Why tf did I get downvoted???? At this point, Reddit is just Russian roulette. It's actually called karma roulette I think. There’s a sub for that called karmaroulette And what is happening there? People get their posts upvoted or downvoted Any post because it seems there are only memes. If I post a picture of the floor for example could I get upvoted? Gym Leader : Memes

Nah man. That’s the human version of a Minecraft grass block. is your name a starcraft reference? Yes Because that's what hero's do. That's the untoxic clean supportive community of reddit “I wasn’t even trying to win dude, here’s your gym badge tho” that's not a gym leader that's zygarde in human form "Zygarde used Bad Guy! Super effective!" That’s gotta hurt : Memes

That's what happens when you fish for compliments in shark infested waters Exactly. Dude had it coming for that obvious shit. When a chick be complaining about her looks in my presence and I can tell she wants me to be like,"no you look great" 😒 That's when you respond with "oh, sucks to suck I guess" Definitely wont get you laid, but she'll stop telling you how ugly she finds herself If a girl asks you If she looks fat say ‘you’re not fat. You’re just easy to see’. I mean, say it from the other side of the room, preferably with an obstacle to duck behind for when she starts throwing things at you. i require haha and coom : Memes

Wait so people actually use this as a social media platform? No means no : Memes

"Here wear this jacket. Go hug that soldier" "Lets burn some books!" “I’m massively into swastikas” "You mean you're hindu" "No, just into swastikas" Reading between the lines : Memes

It’s funny cause when I saw diplo, he did in fact throw down hard but he wouldn’t shut up through out the set and I just wanted to headbang without a dry cracky voice booming “How we feelin tonight?” Over and over Read the full article

[quowreadspact]

“Makes me think of board gamers or something.”

“Close enough.”

“And?” I asked.  “You focus in?  You do…”

“We dabble.  All of us dabble.  We’re with the council, because it means we don’t get blindsided if something comes up or changes, easier access if we want to check it’s okay to grab a certain demesne or get a familiar.  Maybe once in a while we can do a favor for a bit of knowledge or a trinket.”

“You’re dabblers,” I said, “As in… you don’t have much firepower?”

He glanced down at his gun.

“Firepower that’s going to matter to someone or something like Conquest?” I clarified.

“Not so much,” Shotgun said.  “Not against someone like… that.”

The way he’d avoided Conquest’s name made me think it was maybe better to not keep saying it.  I could call Fell, just by establishing that connection, and maybe I didn’t want Conquest to know I was talking about him.

Damn it.  I couldn’t help but feel a profound disappointment, with a hint of panic.  I’d found an in, possible help, and they didn’t have any muscle.  I was running out of time, and I didn’t have any meaningful allies.  I was actually losing progress in terms of allies, if I counted losing Rose.

To be fair, not many would have firepower enough to affect Conquest. 

Yet another rule Blake: names have power. 

Also Rose is lost for now but not forever... right? I can’t imagine she is gone for good. I really don’t think she is. It would not make sense narratively or in story. 

“But you have a grudge against the man in charge?” I asked.

“Grudge?” Shotgun asked.  “Not so much.  But, well, he’s… what he is.  Not exactly looking out for anyone’s interests.  Has a way of demanding things and not giving anything back.”

He glanced at his buddies, as if looking for confirmation.  I saw some nods.

Mostly, I just saw glares leveled my way.

Shotgun continued, “Part of why we attend the meetings, from time to time.  Gives us a chance to see how he’s acting, if we need to clear out for a bit, keep our heads down.  Sometimes all it takes is a periodic visit to bow our heads, show proper respect.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “Then… I’m guessing you’re not exactly willing to put your lives on the line?  He’s an inconvenience, as you said, not an enemy.”

That got me a slow shake of the head, and a very casual, “You’re pretty much on the mark there.”

I sighed, leaning against the counter.

“Can I offer you anything?” Shotgun asked.  “Very possible we don’t have anything to offer, but I can offer food and water.  Tuna and egg sandwiches aren’t bad, in the fridge over there.  Or candy bars and coke, if you’re wanting a snack.”

“A sandwich would be great,” I said.  “And a coke, sure.”

Thats... oddly nice of them. I’m a bit suspicious. 

The guy sitting by the window got up from the table to walk over to the fridge and grabbed the stuff.

“On the house,” Shotgun said.

“The hospitality is recognized for what it is, thank you.”

He nodded a little, circling around the counter to take a seat by the register.  He glanced up at the television on the wall.  Sports news.

Not many straight answers to be had here, as far as names or capabilities went.  They were small fry.  Dabbling practitioners.

“Is it normal, to be…” I searched for a word.

“Low level?” the kid asked.

“To work within such a small scope,” I said, a little more diplomatically.

“Not sure,” Shotgun said.  “We only have the locals to compare ourselves to.”

“Can you tell me about them?  It might help me figure out where to concentrate my efforts.”

“We’re new, so I don’t know much of the history.  Sisters of the Torch, as I understand it, they were a sorority or club at the University, got their hands on something.  Built themselves up.  Each new year the group would select a few worthy members of their club or whatever to join the core group.  Nine parts secret society to one part practitioner.  They’re more likely to give you a special discount on real estate or help you ask for a favor in local government than do anything fancy, if you get me?”

I nodded.  “Any specialty?”

“Elementals.  Most basic kind of spirits you get, dealing with nature.  Rain, sun, fire, harvest…”

That sounds pretty cool actually. 

“Where do they stand with Conquest?”

“They don’t.  They’re in the council in name only.  They’ve maybe struck a deal with Conquest, because they only send one representative a year with a gift.”

I made mental note of that.

“The Sphinx-”

“I’ve met the Sphinx, the Drunk, and the Astrologer.  And Fell.”

The fact that Meath’s title is “the Drunk” is funny. God Blake you really should find some info about him... not that you’d know to single him out. 

“Ah.  Okay.”

“Sphinx wasn’t a big fan of me,” I admitted.  “Not big on the diabolism thing.”

“To be honest, neither are we,” Shotgun told me.  “But you don’t seem to be an immediateproblem, and we’re not really types to pick fights.”

“Except when it comes to pulling a shotgun on a complete stranger.”

“That’s called being ready when the fight comes to you.  Not knowing anything about you… hearing only casual mention of what a diabolist does?”

“Fair,” I said.  I tore into the sandwich wrapper and took a bite.

“Sphinx is old, and maybe it’s more personal for old things.  Teaches at the University.  Periodically goes for the kids who can’t hack it.  Once every decade or so, maybe.  Failing grades, depression, panic, a downward spiral everyone recognizes, and then their rooms are cleared out one night and they’ve up and disappeared.”

“Didn’t know that last part,” I said.

“She is what she is.  She occasionally takes a student under her not-so-proverbial wing.  We’ve talked it over, and the general consensus is she finds the stragglers and tests them.  Winners get mentored.  Get a natural glow about ’em, you know what I mean?”

“No, not so much.”

“Stuff starts going their way.  Lucky.  The right people start gravitating towards them.  Things falling into place.”

“Good karma,” I said.

“Yeah.  That.  Girls stick around for two or three years and then take their leave, wiser, talented, brimming with confidence.  We’ve seen, what, two?”

“One left a few weeks after we first joined the council,” the woman sitting under the window said.  “Another one wrapped up earlier this year.  Left before Summer.”

“I could do with some of that good karma,” I said.  “But I don’t think even the Sphinx’s ministrations are about to help me with the massive debt my family’s incurred.”

“If she doesn’t like you, I can’t imagine she’s going to change her mind.  Old dogs and new tricks, you know?”

“Suppose so.”

Interesting, if not really relevant, information. 

[exper-i]

original content wtf

this is a rather cliche horror story thats trying to disguise itself as a humorous telling in the beginning, but i had fun and thats what matters

Most plants, as a rule, are fairly good things to have around. They create oxygen, they’re a nice green colour, they have pretty flowers on occasion. They grow along the back fence so I don’t have to talk to my back neighbour who decides that every time he locks eyes with me he has to enter a long-winded conversation on his kids, whom I really do not care about in the slightest. Keeping me from having to see him is really one of the nicer things plants have ever done for me. Some plants produce things you can eat. The ones that produce poison are generally pretty avoidable-- you don’t eat them, they won’t make you puke. You don’t touch poison ivy, it won’t make you itch. Pretty straightforward.

Suffice to say, plants are, if not pretty good, neutral at minimum. I like plants.

There is one plant, however, that I do not like. If a plant could be evil, this is one I would give as example.

It sits, squat and unpleasant, on the left-hand corner of the tiny front yard my house possesses. Other than this plant, my yard is very pleasant. I’ve cultivated its tiny space carefully with bushes, flowering plants near the door, and even a maple tree I’ve managed to squish into the right-hand corner. (I did most of this under the impression I could put enough non-grass plants down in order to prevent having to mow. It did, but in exchange I have to trim them and I’m no longer entirely sure which is more of an ordeal.) The yard is perfectly presented in order to balance being pretty with being manageable. Most people think it’s nice.

The goddamn palm is the only thing I cannot control.

It was there when I moved in, and judging from how it resists every single attempt I make to kill it, it will be there when I move out. Or die. Probably it’ll outlive me. And I could respect that resilience, leave the plant to its own devices, were it not such a pain in the ass.

It’s ugly, first of all, and completely unkillable. Short of hiring an excavator to remove it, I have done everything imaginable to kill it. I have poured bottles of plant killer on that thing’s roots. I have cut its leaves to the point that any less annoying plant would have given up and wilted on the spot. But this one? This plant stays exactly where it is, regenerating after anything I do to it as fast as any plant can possibly grow.

I don’t know what it is, actually. I’ve checked books, searched online, posted pictures of it in botanist’s forums, and all I’ve ever gotten was a shrug. It looks like some kind of sago palm, but not quite. It sits on a massive, fat trunk, with the triangular layers of bark palms have coming off in oddly thick spikes. The trunk is too big for me to theoretically get my arms around-- if I wanted to do something like that, God forbid-- but short, only coming about three feet up. It’s oblong with a bulge in the middle, a little like an egg. The leaves at the top are almost exactly similar to your average palm leaves, but they’re a bit too spiky too. Especially around the base. The tips are sharp and the base of the leaves has protrusions that have actually drawn blood before, gotten shoved into my hand when I try to prune the tree. Getting them out is awful-- and they’ve made me bleed even while I was wearing work gloves. There’s more spiky protrusions around the top of the trunk, in between leaves. It’s weirdly oily when I touch it; even if the gloves weren’t necessary to prevent getting stabbed, I’d wear them so as to not have to touch it directly. I’ve never gotten a rash or anything from the plant, but I’d rather not risk it.

Here’s the thing, though.

So it’s July, right? Hot as hell out, middle of summer, drought, all that. It hasn’t rained in weeks. Everything in the yard looks terrible. I feel bad for it, but I’m not one of the guys that waters their lawns in the middle of a drought warning because I’m your general law-obeying citizen and winning some hypothetical lawn contest really is not that important. Everything’s looking pretty brown, or at least sad, except the palm. Of course. In fact, it’s looking better than ever, the trunk getting even bigger and rounder.

I know desert plants are adapted to deal with drought, but even the hardiest of cacti show that they suffer with astronomical heat and no rain for three months.

I guess it’s better to have something healthy than nothing healthy.

When I go out to prune it, the dog, Hestia, bothers to come with me for once. She usually just gambols around the front yard and enjoys her lack of responsibilities while I do yard-work, but I guess she’s curious. She watches as I grab one of the palm’s leaves, careful to avoid the pointy spots, and inspect it. It’s been leaning down, looking as if it were wilting, though without losing any of the green colour. Hestia stays a decent distance from it, behind me and with her stubby ears pricked in fixated attention.

The frond is drier than usual, lacking the slightly-sticky texture the plant usually has. Must be because of the drought. So the stupid thing is suffering. Good.

I give it a sharp tug, just to see what happens. What happens is the leaf starts to pull away from the trunk, but the second the base separates, it lets out this nasty, pungent smell. I drop the branch immediately to cover my mouth and cough. Even Hestia back off, scrunching her nose in distaste and chuffing, and dogs are never ones to avoid things that smell as putrid as possible. It smells like rot-- not the earthy kind of plant rot, not the kind you smell when you come across a decomposing tree. It’s flesh-rot, something putrid that’s been sitting in a damp corner and decomposing for a few days. It’s maggots and miasma and madid.

The plant must have caught something and started rotting internally.

If nothing else it makes getting rid of it much more of a priority. Out of something-- curiosity, determination to finish a job, masochism, I don’t know-- I grab the leaf and yank as hard as I can. It pops off reluctantly, another wave of the putrid smell following after it. I drop the leaf to the ground in favour of bending over and coughing, trying my best not to gag. After a minute or so, the smell lessens. I rub at my nose with a forearm and stand up once my head isn’t solely consumed with the stench of rot.

Hestia’s there, sniffing hesitantly at the leaf, her big Rottweiler body all bunched up as if she’s prepared to make the fight or flight decision at any second.

“Pretty fuckin’ weird, huh, Hes?” I cough out at the dog. She glances up at me if to agree, then resumes her sniffing. “Don’t roll in that,” I add on as an afterthought. That’d be even worse than the time I had to de-skunk her. She shows no indication of listening to me, so I’ll just cross my fingers.

This is a problem, more so than just if my dog’s going to smell like a charnelhouse for a week. There’s not many ways to get this plant out of the yard. I don’t have the money to call a landscaper and I don’t have any friends who own backhoes who could dig the stupid thing out. If it’s rotted, with that smell the plant must be sick, and I don’t want it giving whatever nasty infection its got to anything else in my yard, if it’s not too late for that.

The problem ets considered for about ten minutes as i stand, hands on my hips, glaring at the plant as if that would make it understand and regret what an absolute inconvenience it’s been to me.

Glaring at it does not make it grow feet and walk, pinnate leaves bowed in shame. Guess it’s all up to me. My neighbour has a chainsaw, I think. I can work with this.

Thirty minutes and one social interaction with the guy next door later, I’m equipped and ready. Nate did, in fact, have a chainsaw. Couple that with my work gloves and I’m ready. The rotting smell probably is going to be even worse as I cut the tree down, so while I don’t have a gas mask or anything, I do have a facemask left over from painting. That and some Vicks smeared under my nose should be fine. It’s no plague mask or air freshener, but I’ll take menthol over decomposition any day.

When I walk out in the yard, warfare gear equipped and ready, something’s different. I can’t immediately tell what it is, but something’s not right. I order Hestia to stay near the driveway to avoid an animal getting close to a running chainsaw, and she obediently plops down in the middle, watching me attentively. The thing that’s wrong with the yard is immediately obvious once I get closer to the tree.

The leaf is gone. The one I pulled out. It’s just completely not there anymore. What sits in its place is a pile of brown, sludgy goop. The smell pervades my paint mask protection, but it’s tolerable. The urge to poke the pile of goop is strong, but squashed with the thought that I might have to throw out my sneakers if I can’t get the smell out.

There are things to attend to that are probably nastier, anyways.

Getting the palm down comes first, then I can experiment with poking tree sludge.

The chainsaw takes a bit to rev up, but after a couple tries it’s running healthily in my arms. I glance back at Hestia to ensure she’s in place, still, no danger, and she is. Her hackles are starting to raise distrustfully, but she’s in place. It’s fine, I don’t like the noise much either, and I’m the one with earplugs in.

I hoist up the chainsaw, angle it to what I think is proper, and set it to the palm.

The blades bite in slowly and with effort. I feel it’s making a noise more laborious than most chainsaws would, but my knowledge on them is limited. A couple wood chips fly off the tree’s bark, and what’s underneath is white and fibrous, paler than any tree I’ve ever seen. It reeks. It’s the same contaminated smell the leaf gave, only it’s more subdued than the leaf. There’s little doubt it’ll get worse the deeper in I cut.

I frown, resolute and preparing to squash my retch reflex, and re-angle the chainsaw to make a v-shaped cut.

There’s a very small noise, just barely audible over the chainsaw’s grinding.

A pop where three things immediately follow.

The chainsaw’s grind changes, like it’s suddenly experiencing less resistance.

Hestia starts barking furiously.

Something thin and pointy reaches from inside the tree to bend over the chainsaw blade.

The third one takes my immediate focus. I lean forward, squinting a little. The chainsaw’s still running, but held completely still now. Another little brown thing pokes its way out of the tree, also balancing delicately against the flat of the chainsaw blade.

“What the hell?” I ask it.

There’s a pause where the world seems to quiet down entirely as I notice a thin crack spreading up the length of the palm’s trunk. My mouth opens to ask something, I don’t even know what, and then the crack bursts open.

A cloud of putrescent white bursts out from the trunk. I drop the chainsaw on instinct, just barely avoiding vomiting into the mask. Teeth gritted, I back away, not even minding the chainsaw still running on the grass. Hestia continues her furious barking and I hear her rush over to me. I try to tell her to back off though the coughing and tearing up, but she ignores me. There’s shapes in the dust, growing clearer as it settles, and I reach for the chainsaw. I don’t know what anything is, but I’ll feel much better against a troupe of amorphous collie-size masses with a chainsaw in my hands. Coughing furiously and squinting, I reach out. Hestia stops barking, settling instead for the muffled growl meaning something’s in her mouth.

I lay a hand on the handle of the tool, and something spindly and pointy presses down on the back of my hand.

I look up as the dust settles. A greenish spider the side of a medium dog scuttles towards my arm. The scream is involuntary, loud enough to be heard down the street, and I immediately fling my arm back and move over backwards as fast as I can, still screaming. A seemingly endless amount of the giant spiders are swarming out of the palm tree, scattering in all directions as I glance to a way I can get away from them. Scuttling backwards only makes me trip over my own foot, landing heavily on my back only a few feet away from the palm. I curl up, trying to put my arms over my head to protect my face if nothing else, screaming. I feel Hestia stand over me, fearless in protection, and the tiny spider-feet I’d felt beginning to crawl up my leg are plucked off in her jaws.

My screeching is joined by someone else’s alarm-- probably Nate’s, checking on me. Whoever it is, they get pleaded at to come help me, save me, pull out a flamethrower or something.

I don’t know what he does.

I don’t know what anyone does.

All I know is that I wake up a couple hours later in a hospital room, Hestia sitting next to me, and with nothing in their IV drip that can make me stop hyperventilating.

I hold onto the dog and tell anyone who comes in to see me that I’m not going back to the house.

They tell me that’s fine, but I need to calm down.

Once I get out of the psych ward and get cleared to go to a hotel without supervision, they tell me my house has been fumigated and put on the market for me. About ten other people on the street have also put their houses up for sale at nicely discounted rates.

For a real estate manager who’s good at spin, it’s a blessing. For me, I move to an apartment.