After a freezing, wet trek along the Clontarf seafront I turn into Michelle’s estate. All the houses have warm, yellow light spilling out the windows onto the grey, rain beaten pavement, inviting, yet it only reminds me of how grim this damn country is in the winter. It's been eight years since we moved here now and yet I still don't understand how people are supposed to cope with the winter. I suppose they don’t. I suppose we just accept that we will be a little bit sad for a while.
They always leave the door off the latch for me on Tuesdays, they know I’m coming, and I let myself into the warmth of their home. It always smells good here, tonight like seafood and lemongrass, and whatever is cooking sizzles enticingly on the pan. I won’t ask for food, I never dare to, but if they offer I have yet to refuse them.
Rahim Tengu peers into the hallway as I shut the door. He is cooking in a suit. He’s always wearing one, even when doing things like mowing the lawn in the heat of summer.
“Jude,” he says, “Wet outside, eh?”
“Yeah,” I take my shoes off and leave them by the door, “Whatever you’re making smells good, like always.”
“Nasi Lemak,” He says, “I’ll leave a plate for you when you're finished”
“Oh, thank you.”
He hesitates, “So how are your studies?”
“Yeah, good. Trying to get back into the swing of it since the new year. Fifth year is tough, you know?”
“Yes,” Another pause. Rahim is the most awkward of all the dads, he never knows what to say to me, but I let him think on it for another moment, brows knitted, spoon halfway to the pan, before I decide to put him out of his misery.
“Jen upstairs?”
“Yes, yes, in her room.”
“Cool, see you in a while then.”
She’s sprawled out of the duvet with her earphones in, laying still like a corpse with her hands clasped on her stomach and white socks stacked on the pillows.
“Oh, you’re here,” she drawls. She doesn't even have to open her eyes to know it.
“You sound thrilled.”
“Ugh,” She flips to her stomach, pulls at her iPod cable and tosses the whole thing towards the head of the bed, “Come on, then, make me feel like a dumb bitch.”
“I bet you say that to all the boys,” I dig my maths notes out of my school bag and join her on the bed, “You been practising your trig?”
“That the one with the protractors?”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
She lays still for a long moment, just staring into the middle distance before gathering the energy to learn. She falls onto her back and pulls the book I have opened toward her. “‘In the diagram, [AB] and [DC] are two parallel roads, where [AB] = 800m and [DC] = 500m. By measurement, it is determined that [<ABC] = 75° and that [BC] = 600m. Find [AC] to the nearest metre,’” She looks at me, eyes filled with hopeless despair, “How am I meant to know?”
“Well, do you remember what we went over before Christmas? The cosine rule?”
“Before Christmas? You might as well be talking a decade ago. I don’t remember anything that happened before last week. My brain is mush.”
I pull out my ruler, “Well, look, let’s start by drawing it out so we can visualise it, like this, then, we know that A² = B² + C² - 2BCcosA…”
“Do we know that? Are we sure?”
“Jenny, yes. C’mon, we’ve done this.”
“I don’t think you understand how much I hate maths.”
“It’s not that bad, look, based on the cosine rule and the information we know already, we can write out the formula, right? x=(600)² + (800)² - 2(600)(800)cos 75°, so all you have to do is work that out.”
“Oh, is that all.”
“Yeah, so c’mere, hand me your calculator, it’s-” A shriek from the next room almost rattles my skeleton free from my flesh.
“Why are you always like this?” It's Michelle. “I’m old enough! Just let me go!”
I glance awkwardly at Jen who is ignoring it, diligently punching the formula into her calculator and kicking her feet in the air.
“When you demonstrate responsibility,” her mother screams back, “I will give you freedom, but until then…”
“Don’t look so shocked,” Jen says when she catches sight of my stricken expression, “You and Collette are like this.”
“Not really. We don’t scream at each other.”
“This is just the volume they speak at here. It’s not as dramatic as it sounds. They're kind of just... having a conversation.”
“Okay but you’re being such a bitch about it.” Michelle bites out, and I wince.
“I don’t talk to my mom like that.”
Jen shrugs, “It’s not that serious, really, they don’t mean it. They'll be all lovey-dovey-happy-families again tomorrow. You get used to it.” she scribbles something onto her copy book and pushes it toward me “X equals 751533?”
I frown, “I don’t know, let me check.”
“Well you’re a nightmare of a daughter sometimes, do you hear me? I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be up here shouting at you, but you drive me to distraction with all of this carry on!”
“Um,” my fingers hesitate on the buttons of the calculator, “So… it was… (600)² which is…”
Something clatters to the floor and they start shouting even louder. The corners of Jen’s mouth curl up, “Let’s take a break, yeah? We can drown it out with some music.”
“Good idea.”
She scrambles to fetch her iPod again and hands me one earbud. We lie back on the pillows while she puts on some whiny emo track about a guy who is either dying or wishing he was dead.
“Are you traumatised by Michelle and her mam because it reminds you of your parents?” She leans over me and sweeps my hair from my forehead. I laugh, “You trying to therapize me?”
“You said they fought when you were small.”
“Yeah but I only heard it a handful of times, I wouldn’t say I am traumatised.”
“Still, I think there’s something lodged in your psyche about it, it’s why you hate conflict.”
“Nobody likes conflict.”
“Yeah but most people don’t avoid it like you,” She pokes my arm because I've looked away, “Hey, would you say that you’d rather run away from your problems than face them?”
“Did you steal that question from your counsellor?”
She pretends to be shocked, “Um, no! Excuse me.”
“You’re excused. Hey, would you like it if my voice sounded like this guy’s?” I tilt the iPod screen to her and point to the album cover guy who has blood pouring down his face.
“First of all, that’s not the guy singing, that’s a cartoon. Secondly, I don’t know what you even mean.”
I lean into her ear and put on the whiniest voice I can in imitation of him “Hhhhwhat’s the worst that I can say… hhhthings are better if I stay…”
She snorts and shoves me off her, “Go away, you freak.”
“hhhAND IF WE CARRY ON THIS HHHWWWHAYAH…”
Jen’s bedroom door opens and I jump. Michelle stands there frowning. I hadn’t even realised in the midst of my caterwauling and our hysterical giggles that the shouting had stopped.
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