#m fussy and I want to cry and I want to have my own space and I would like to feel less full of doom

[yoichichi]

[princessjungeun]

Stay By Your Side: Little! Yeojin & Mommies! Haseul and Vivi

I forgot Vivi and Haseul’s ship name so...oops 😬

It wasn’t often that Yeojin regressed so young but with Why Not promotions and finishing up her last few weeks of high school, it was all too much. Yeojin tried her best to pull herself away from regressing, not wanting to burden her members. It was when Haseul showed up for a visit to the dorm that Yeojin allowed her mind to slip.

Yeojin woke up hearing Haseul in the main room of the dorm, followed by Vivi talking as well. Upon hearing her two mommies voices she allowed her mind to slip into a younger mindset. Grabbing her favorite stuffed frog, tucking it under her arm, she timidly padded out of her room.

Haseul noticed her presence quite quickly, her face lighting up upon seeing the little. Haseul also knew Yeojin well enough to tell when she was regressed.

Yeojin ran to Haseul, falling to her arms with a giggle as Haseul squeezed her tight, kissing the top of her head.

“How’s my precious girl doing today?” Haseul cooed while tickling Yeojin on the side. Even though Yeojin regressed younger than normal, she was still old enough to want to play with other members. Much to her luck Choerry and Chuu were regressed as well.

Yeojin and Choerry were practically inseparable when they were big, the same thing applied while they were small.

Chuu however never regressed older than 2 years so she was pretty much always in baby space, unable to do anything without the help of Yves, her primary caregiver. Helping Yves for the day was Hyejoo, carrying baby Chuu around when Yves’ arms got tired.

For most of the day leading up until the late afternoon Choerry and Yeojin were together. The two spent part of the morning cooing over “their baby Jiwoo”. But eventually they got bored and played elsewhere, resulting in a giant mess of toys and stuffed animals all around the dorm.

Hoping to tire the littles out, Jinsoul and Vivi took the two littles to the playground while Lip and Haseul stayed in the dorm. The two cleaned up the mess of toys Yeojin and Choerry left while they waited for them to return.

By the time they came back it was early evening, but too late for the girls to take a nap. Choerry never really got fussy even when she was tired, she’d simply start to doze off.

Yeojin on the other hand tended to be extremely clingly, not wanting to be left alone for a single minute.

Dinner went smooth for the littles however bath time was the issue. Yeojin knew that Haseul didn’t spend nights at the dorm anymore. Even though Yeojin was regressed she realized a while back that Haseul left at the end of the night. Vivi always told her it was because “mommy is sick” but to Yeojin, she looked fine. She was simply too young to understand the way mental health worked, it only confused her. It’s happened before where she saw Haseul, her second mommy leave, not returning for another few weeks. Yeojin knew this would happen again, and she didn’t like it.

Usually Vivi was able to manage when Yeojin got upset seeing Haseul leave. A simple solution of letting her sleep in Haseul’s bed with her or putting her in Haseul’s clothes worked most nights. But this time both Vivi and Haseul knew it wouldn’t do the trick.

The little barely got into the bathtub when she needed to, Vivi literally had to peel Yeojin off of Haseul. For the next fifteen minutes she proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face as she told her mommy not to leave.

Haseul’s heart broke knowing that this was probably what Yeojin did most days, Vivi having to manage this on her own. Haseul did her best to hold back her tears, the last thing Yeojin needed was to see Haseul upset as well.

Vivi and Haseul did their best to get Yeojin into her pajamas as she kicked her legs and grasped onto Haseul’s shirt, probably strong enough to rip it if she tried.

Haseul begged Yeojin to stop crying, but not saying what Vivi knew the little needed to hear.

“Tell her you’re not going to leave again.” Vivi told Haseul.

By now Yeojin’s cries weren’t as loud and she had quit screaming. But she was still sobbing violently, choking on her tears, clinging to both Haseul and Vivi with all her strength.

Haseul whispered “Vi, you know I cant stay...you know what’s happening.”

Vivi told her “we’ll figure it out later but right now just listen to me and tell her you’re staying or she won’t stop crying.”

Haseul sighed before leaning away from Yeojin, wiping her tears away with the pads of her thumbs. “Yeojinnie, I’m not going to leave you okay? Mommy is going to be here with you always.”

Just like that, Yeojin immediately stopped crying. She hiccuped “M-mommy stay?”

Haseul nodded and said “yeah...I’m here.”

Vivi chimed in “are you okay now baby? Can we go to sleep?”

Yeojin wrapped her arms around Haseul’s neck a mumbled “s’eep...mommy and yeojinnie s’eep.”

Haseul carried Yeojin to her bed, Vivi following knowing that Haseul wanted her there as well. Upon being tucked into bed Yeojin curled against Haseul’s body, leaning into Vivi’s.

Vivi kissed Yeojin’s forehead, “your mommies love you Yeojinnie.” Yeojin sleepily mumbled “love mommies too...mommy stay with Yeojinnie.”

Haseul draped her arm across Yeojin’s body, also slightly feeling for Vivi’s hand that was underneath the blankets. “I love you too Yeojin-ah. I promise I’ll stay by your side.”

Vivi lifted her head from her pillow, keeping her gaze on Haseul. Feeling the other’s gaze, Haseul lifted her head to see Vivi staring at her.

As quietly as she could, Vivi whispered in Cantonese “I missed you...” Haseul smiles when she recognized the familiar sentence to which she responded “I love you”. Vivi felt her cheeks blush pink, she was grateful the lights were off so Haseul couldn’t tell.

Resting her head back down Vivi mumbled just loud enough for Haseul to hear “I love you too.”

[lonelypond]

Parent Trap, Ch. 6

NicoMaki, Love Live, 3.8K, 6/?

Summary: More things happen in the wrong order.

Girls On Film

Eli had texted that Nico had stopped by the office, upset, so Eli would be home too late for dinner. Nozomi frowned as the evening went on and the twins restlessness increased. So she sat them down with their own decks of playing cards, pulled out her Tarot cards and focused on Eli.

Lovers, always The Lovers, always connected with Eli. Magician Reversed, that was a little concerning. Something not going according to plan...followed by a reversed Ten Of Cups, the idyllic family scene overturned, conflicting values...Nozomi frowned and dealt another card: Queen Of Wands. That was a relief. Or a call to face up to something. But definitely an argument that even if Nozomi’s current path hit a few bumps, there was confidence in her decision.

“Mommy?”

Vik, ever sensitive to mood, sat next to Nozomi. Teddy was using both decks to build a card tunnel.

“Yes, Vik.”

“Is Mama mad at you?”

Vik always got to the point. They were extremely reliable about finding the one nagging weakness in either Nozomi or Eli’s arguments about anything and skewering it, directly on target.

“No, Auntie Nico just wanted to talk to her.”

“Is Auntie Nico mad at you?”

Nozomi chuckled, that was the question that kept coming back to her mind. “I don’t know, Рыбка (sweetie), maybe…”

Vik pointed at the Queen Of Wands, “That’s a Queen? She has short hair like me.”

“Yes, she does.”

“Is she friendly?”

Nozomi bobbed her head, debating how to reply. Vik had been showing more interest in the Tarot recently, “Friendly, but firm if you’ve messed up.”

“Like Mama.”

Nozomi couldn’t hold in the belly laugh as Vik spoke exactly what she’d been thinking.

“MOMMY!!! Look at this.” Teddy was waving frantically at her tunnel, tilting precariously at the start. “Take a picture for Mama.”

“Okay, Солнце (Sunshine).” Nozomi grabbed her phone, Vik sliding into her seat to examine the cards closer.

###

Nico hadn’t texted or called. Maki had to force herself to stop pacing next to Dia’s crib when she got her tucked in for the night. Dia had been fussy all day, but with no nap, actually fell asleep easily. Maybe a long soak was would be relaxing. Maki turned on the baby monitor, set up candles, dropped a lavender bath bomb, but couldn’t get Nico out of her mind. The mood had been so strange. Nico and her mother had obviously been having a private, complicated conversation and Maki couldn’t ignore the gut feeling that it was about her.

Maki really liked Nico. And although that morning in Philly had been intense, it hadn’t felt rushed. Nico had just made a safe space for them, for Maki to express what she wanted. What she really wanted. And really wanted again and again, which was an unusual feeling for her. The few times she’d been physically intimate with a potential partner, there had been affection, but no urgency about what next. Not seeing Nico, thinking maybe that this time Nico was the one indifferent, lacking urgency, that actually seemed to hurt. And Maki needed to know that she was guessing wrong about Nico’s feelings.

Panic stripped away subtext. And she sent the text before she could reread it.

M: Was today too much? Dia just really wanted to see you.

M: So did I. I’ve been looking forward to you being back in Chicago so we could ….

M: But we didn’t have to rush into the family thing...with your Mom...I can do casual…

Maki reread what she’d sent. And dropped her phone on the tray next to the bath. Too much, too clingy...Nico was going to forget Maki’s number and be on the way to her next, non clingy post concert groupie as soon as she could…

###

Nico stared intently at the screen of her phone, willing Eli to text her that Nozomi was crushed by the weight of guilt and Maki was fine with Nico continuing to court her....court her. Nico raspberried herself...this wasn’t courting, this was Nico wanting everything with the hot, fascinating, really into Nico Maki Nishikino...but what if Dia already happened to be theirs? Because of something Nozomi did. That would weird Maki out, make everything strange, and Nico had been sensing Maki leaning toward psyching herself out. Nico had been hoping getting back to Chicago would let Nico get them back on track, but what could Nico say if she saw Maki, without stumbling over Dia.

Maki’s text tone. Eli was weak and hadn’t done anything yet, she was probably driving around in circles pyching herself up to talk to Nozomi. And Eli had impressed upon Nico exactly how much grief Maki’s parents' lawyers could make for both of them, making Nico swear not to talk to Maki until Eli did. But Eli was weak… And Maki was texting.

M: But we didn’t have to rush into the family thing...with your Mom...I can do casual…

Nico had done casual a couple of times. She didn’t want it. She wanted the connection she felt when Maki looked at her, the openness, the vulnerability, the trust....and from what little Maki had said about her dating life prior to Nico, Nico guessed that intimacy had led to cooling off, so Maki was probably freaking out ‘cause Nico had been blowing her off all day. But not because of Maki reasons…

Nico’s promise to Eli wasn’t as important as Maki. Maki obviously needed emotional aftercare. Nico hit call.

“Nico?”

Maki sounded like she’d been caught mid yawn. It was adorable.

“Hi, Maki. Sorry I didn’t get back to you about takeout. Had to talk to Eli.”

“Is everything all right, Nico?” Nico heard a splash? Was Maki in the bath? The phone was obviously on speaker.

“Nico would like to join you in the bath.”

Maki laughed, it was euphoric, Nico was so hooked, Maki's voice hit Nico in all the good places. “They used to do that in movies, talk on the phone in their separate bubble baths, put their feet up, show off some leg.”

“Nico would love to see that.”

“So would I.” A little bit shy. Nico was beginning to forget why she’d been reluctant to call Maki.

“I’m in bed…”

“What’d you have for dinner.”

“Didn’t.”

“You sound like me in med school.”

“What were you like in med school? Were you buried in books? Or bodies? Dating cute nurses? Would you even have noticed Nico ten years ago?”

“How could anyone not notice Nico?”

“That’s what Nico always says…” Nico seized on an idea, maybe she could actually keep their conversation clear of things that Nico wasn’t ready to talk about, “What would we have talked about ten years ago?”

“I had this terrible roommate.”

“Really?”

“Really. Wild party animal, had to barricade myself in my room.” Maki sounded more amused than upset.

“You snuck into the parties, didn’t you?”

A pause, what might be towel noises. Nico desperately wanted a video call, “Maybe…but then my grades dropped and I moved back home.”

Keep this vibe going, Nico told herself. “So what did you do for fun after your brush with the wild side?”

“Piano. And Rin and I played soccer in a league. That was fun.”

“Nico bets you looked cute in your uniform.”

Sexy indignation that made Nico want to rip off whatever Maki had covered herself with, “ I looked HOT, Nico, I was 22 and in great shape.”

“You’re still in great shape, Nico knows.”

A giggle, a pause, two people syncing up again.

“What were you like ten years ago?” Maki asked softly, her voice a frisson in Nico's ear.

“Too busy for anything. Constantly on tour. Studying finance on the side. I got my economics degree over six years. Magna cum laude.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Nico planned to be a success. Now the suits can’t say Nico doesn’t know how business works.”

“Impressive.” Maki breathed.

‘Nico strives.”

###

10 p.m. Nozomi was getting worried. Eli was never out this late. Nozomi had let the twins roughhouse past their bedtime because whenever Eli got home, there was going to be a serious conversation. Although the cards had been full of warnings about that, Nozomi knew the truth in her gut before she dealt out the spread.

Key in the door, sigh as Eli closed it behind her. Eli, looking tired, wearing glasses, she’d been crying. She stopped, clear gaze meeting Nozomi’s.

“I’ve hurt my oldest friend, exposed myself to litigation, and could lose my practice. Was that what you meant to happen, Nozomi?”

Nozomi winced.

Eli had her hands shoved in the pockets of her overcoat, “What were you thinking?”

“About?”

“Nozomi.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Eli. Has Nico been lying about me?”

Eli glared, her jaw set, nostrils flared. “If this is how you’re going to behave, I’ll be in the guest room.”

“That upsets the twins. Can’t you just pretend to fall asleep on the couch again?” Nozomi knew this was not the ideal way to react, but with Eli so serious, she found an edge of panic pushing her to impulsive speech.

“Nozomi…” Eli’s hands were warm and strong as she held Nozomi’s, “Please just explain why you altered Nico’s paperwork.”

“I had a feeling.”

“Nico was crying. Maki’s going to be livid.”

Nozomi felt a twinge of guilt, sure, but she also knew that everything would work out. This must be about Dia. Nico and Maki were getting along, that was obvious from Nico’s texts to Eli. Surely they could sort it out.

“I’d like to say something to Maki that doesn’t just sound like my wife played a stupid prank. Please, Nozomi, help me understand.”

Nozomi giggled, “I had a feeling, Eli. The cards had told me there would be a change in Nico’s fortunes and then I saw her in your office…she obviously wants a family, Eli, she always has, you told me that. I just want to help the universe give her one. Just let them work it out."

Eli had no reply. When Nozomi doubled down on ‘the cards’ and intuition, there was no opening for Eli to logic her out of her beliefs. And the damnable thing was, it always worked out. But this wasn’t their life, this was Nico and Maki and Dia’s. Nozomi had been wrong to meddle. And left Eli terribly vulnerable.

Too exhausted to argue or strategize any more, Eli tossed her coat on the couch. “I’m going to bed. I have to talk to Maki tomorrow.”

“Did you eat?”

Eli shrugged.

“It will work out, Eli. Have faith."

Eli shook her head, “Good night, love.”

A too quick kiss on the cheek, leaving Nozomi alone, to curl up in Eli’s coat, on a corner of the couch, unpleasantly surprised by Eli’s intransigence. Had she gone too far this time?

###

A long afternoon, Maki finally getting a chance to look at her phone. Message from Raye, Dia’s nanny. Dia fussy and running a fever, over a hundred. Maki bit her lip. That might explain yesterday’s fit of temper and how easily Dia fell asleep last night.

“Dr. Nishikino?” The lab tech came around the corner.

“What’s up, Kadir?”

“Do you want to see the results of Mx. Nabe’s bloodwork?”

Maki glanced at her smart watch. Her shift was over twenty minutes ago. And the late dinner with Nico was now probably not going to happen. “Let me check something.” Maki walked confidently to the call board. Tonight’s on call orthopedic surgeon was Dr. Wilhimena Mae Tompkins. Top of the line. Maki’s first or second choice. “Just send them to Dr. Tompkins. The patient’s already been moved to a room, right?”

“Orderlies just took her upstairs.”

“Guess I’m done here then. Dia’s running a fever so I’ve got one more patient to see.” Maki winked, Kadir grinned.

“See you in a couple days then, Doc. And I hope Dia feels better.”

“Thanks. I’m sure it’s nothing. She’s probably teething.”

Now to text Nico.

###

Nico hadn’t heard from Eli all day. Obviously Eli had chickened out. Like Nico expected. Time for a call. Eli picked up.

“Are you hiding from your wife in your office?”

“Shut up, Nico.”

“Don’t talk to Nico like that. You promised Nico you’d talk to Maki. Have you talked to Maki?”

No reply.

“Eli.”

“I’m still working out what to say.”

“Start with, I really didn’t mean for my nosy, pushy, annoying hussy of a wife to…”

“Don’t talk about Nozomi like that.”

NIco sighed, “C’mon, Eli. Nozomi is currently on the bottom of Nico’s friend list. I’m not going to be nice.”

“She’s my wife, Nico. It’s complicated.”

“What is happening to Nico is complicated. You’re just not willing to deal with the consequences of your wife’s intrusive, illegal, apocalyptic meddling. Nico could sue.”

“Yes, you could.” Eli sounded so tired, but Nico had zero sympathy for the enabler.

“Talk to Maki or I will.”

“Nico.”

End call. Before Nico could put her phone down, Maki’s text tone pinged.

M: Dia’s got a fever. I’m heading home. We'll have to postpone dinner ●︿●

N: Nico will bring dinner over (っ˘ڡ˘ς)

M: Pizza?

Nico chuckled.

N: Whatever the sexy doctor wants.

M: Pizza ᕕ[ ᓀ ڡ ᓂ ]ㄏ─∈

M: And you （＾_-）

N: Is an hour good?

M: Sure.

N: See both my best girls then.

Nico hit Eli’s number.

“Tell Maki.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Eli.”

“I’m drafting a presentation to explain right now.”

“Include a big picture of Nozomi with an arrow pointing to guilty.”

“Good night, Nico.”

“Talk to Maki, Eli. Or Nico talks to lawyers.”

Eli seemed more concerned about Nico and the Nishikino’s lawyers than what Nozomi’s action had cost Nico. Eli continued to fail, freefalling down Nico’s friend list. Another call. Mama. Nico let that go to voicemail. Maybe she should forward that voicemail and the three before it to Eli. Maybe then Eli would realize some of the pressure Nico was feeling.

###

Nico knocked. Maki was right there, opening the door, in a showcasing all her curves casual combo of black leggings and a mostly undone gray henley. She waved Nico into the wide open family room that seemed to make up at least 70% of the first floor of the carriage house. A baby grand was tucked into a windowed corner, a huge sectional sofa was centered and facing the fireplace, and the walls were decorated with seasonal photos of a shrine and what looked like birds and dragons restored from antique wooden screens. Set a calm, classy mood.

“So are the Disney movie posters in your bedroom, Cinderella?” Nico bounced up to kiss Maki.

Maki smiled, “I took these photos myself, during some visits to Kyoto and Tokyo, before med school, and the screens are damaged family heirlooms I restored sections of.”

“Hands on decorating.”

“I want Dia to grow up with her heritage around her.”

Silent, Nico walked around the sectional, putting the pizza boxes on the wood and glass table, not sure what to say about Dia.

“She’s feeling better, I think. Her fever went down.” Maki leaned on the sofa back.

“Good.”

“Want to check in on her and say hello before we eat?”

Nico deflected. “Pizza first?”

Maki opened the box with Carmen’s excellent stuffed pesto pizza. A garlic smell wafted out with the steam, filling the room, “It’s still hot.”

“Nico delivered pizzas for a summer. I know the tricks.”

“Nico knows a lot. Let's say good night to Dia.” Maki slid her arm through Nico’s, stealing a quick kiss and half dragging Nico to the stairs.

###

Dia’s nursery was blue and green and white, with a sea and lighthouse theme. Fish and mammals and turtles played on the walls. In the low light of the nightlight, there was an almost bioluminescent glow to the undersea residents.

“Nico is surprised Little Mermaid wasn’t a choice when we talked Disney movies.”

“Don’t like that one…” Maki muttered.

“No, it’d be hard to lose your voice.”

“And music.”

“Yeah. Nico would hate that.”

They stood at the crib, Nico staring down at Dia, Maki watching Nico, Nico trying not to remember Cotaro in his crib, dark hair, serious face...Dia was relaxed, arms flung out, a tiny smile on her face.

What if they were in their house, standing together, Maki and Nico, both of them, looking at a child they’d had together after a whirlwind courtship and marriage? What if this were Nico’s house and when Dia woke up, she looked at Nico, saying “Momma,” and reaching up for a hug? What if…?

“She’s beautiful.” Nico whispered and then her breath hitched and sudden water in her eyes stung. She let go of the crib and rushed to the door.

“Good night, Dia. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Maki left the lightest of kisses on her daughter’s forehead, wondering if she’d seen tears in Nico’s eyes. But Nico was already downstairs, considering the stuffed pizzas.

“Do you want pesto or sausage? And we need plates. And forks. And…”

“I’ve had stuffed pizza before, Nico. Just give me a minute to find the pie server.”

###

Cocoa had raved about a movie called The Half Of It so Nico suggested they watch that. Maki had recognized it, but said Nico needed to watch Saving Face, director Alice Wu’s first movie, about a doctor and a dancer and their families.

“You’ll love the mom. She’s so funny.”

“And the main character’s a doctor? So Nico will find out what doctoring is like?”

“Yep.”

The movie progressed; the pizza was eaten, with occasional garlic flavored kisses shared, but Maki kept picking up unease from Nico. Was it lingering from yesterday, the obvious tension between Nico and her mom? Or whatever Nico and Eli had talked about last night? Something obviously had claimed some of Nico’s attention. But after pizza, Maki had curled up next to Nico, encouraging Nico to drop her arm around Maki’s shoulder. And as the flirting between Wil and Vivian got sexier, kisses and more intimate gestures right there on the screen, building a mood, Maki could feel Nico pull her closer. Maki nudged Nico on the cheek, getting her to turn, tempting her into a luring, longing kiss. Whatever worries had been on Nico’s mind had been eclipsed, Maki smiling as she felt agile hands slide under her shirt, warm against bare skin, Nico murmuring endearments between kisses and shiver inducing nibbles along Maki’s neck and jaw.

And then Nico’s phone went off, one of her raps.

“Damn it.” Nico grabbed for her phone, Maki falling down on the couch when Nico let go, “It’s Cocoro’s emergency tone. Sorry.” And all Nico’s attention was on the call, “What’s up? Nico’s super busy....Yes, Maki and Dia came to the house yesterday. Did Mama tell you?”

Dia? Alert, Maki sat up.

Nico was listening. “What did Mama say...why...no, we can’t say that….Nico won’t let…”

Maki had no idea why Nico’s sister had anything to say about Dia. Nico had turned away, about to get off the couch, Maki reached over Nico’s shoulder, pulling the phone away, switching it to speaker.

“Why are you talking about my daughter?”

“Dr. Nishikino?” Cocoro’s voice was tense, “You’re there? Good, then we can settle what the language should be.”

“What language? Why does Nico have anything to do with Dia?”

Nico grunted, it reminded Maki of someone stubbing a toe.

“Pictures have been circulating on TWIG of Nico Yazawa’s secret daughter.”

“Nico doesn’t have a secret daughter…” Maki suddenly realized she was doing all the talking, “Nico?”

Nico took her phone back, leaving it on speaker, but switching to the TWIG app. A quick search of “#Nico” brought up a snap of Nico hugging Dia in front of her house, Nico’s mother in the background, Maki nowhere to be seen.

Nico stared. Cocoro continued to panic chatter, “All we need to do is release a picture of you, Dr. Nishikino, Dr. Nishikino’s daughter, and the statement that you and Dr. Nishikino are dating and Dia is not your daughter. People are running facial match software and getting confirmation. Next they’ll be wondering who the father is…”

“Dia doesn't have a father,” Maki’s fists clenched. No one but Eli was supposed to have any details of her pregnancy with Dia.

“Shut up. Both of you.” Nico snapped, the phone dropping to the couch, Nico’s head dropping into her hands.

“Just tell them Dia’s my daughter.”

Cocoro's tone brightened. “Dr. Nishikino is being unexpectedly helpful, Nico. We can get ahead of this.”

“Just release the statement, Cocoro. Nico and I can talk to the press.” A practical solution, Maki decided.

“Let Nico think. Both of you. Just be quiet. Nico needs quiet.” Nico ended the call.

“Nico, Dia is my daughter. We can just tell everyone. We don’t have to keep us dating a secret. I don’t care what my parents think.” Maki sat next to Nico, brushing fingers through Nico’s hair.

There was a long pause, Nico enjoying Maki's touch. Then she pulled away. “Maki could just marry me. That might save Nico.” Nico sounded like someone hanging onto a building ledge by a ladder made of split fingernails and cruel laughter.

Nico’s tone and odd behavior scared Maki, “How can you joke about that, Nico?”

Nico raised her head, tears streaming down her face, “You don’t know this yet, but Nico is a terrible liar.”

“What does that mean Nico? Do you have a secret daughter…”

“Maki…”

Maki’s ringtone went off. She glanced at her phone, “It’s Eli.”

Nico dropped her head again, “Answer it. We might as well blow everything up.”

Maki hit speaker, snarling, “What is it, Eli? Want to let me know Dia is Nico’s daughter too?”

“Oh good,” Eli sounded relieved, “Nico told you.”

Maki was on her feet, shouting, “NICO TOLD ME WHAT?!!!???!!!”

“About her paperwork? And Nozomi? I'm really sorry, Maki.”

Maki felt pale. Her knees wobbled. The room unfocused. Black spots dotting everything. Nico ended the call.

Before Maki could fall, Nico was there, “Maki? C’mon, breathe. Take it slow, breathe for Nico.”

Maki shook off Nico, and ran upstairs to Dia, pulling her out of her crib, holding her tightly, Dia blinking, confused. Nico was there, almost instantly.

“Can we talk?”

“Go away, Nico.”

“Maki. Please.”

“GO AWAY NOW, NICO!” Maki screamed. “Leave us alone.”

Dia started to cry.

Nico stepped back, “Call me later, please, Maki. Or let Eli explain. I’ll have Cocoro tell everyone Dia’s your daughter. I’m sorry this happened like this." A pause, Nico reaching a hand out, almost touching them. "It’ll be all right, Dia.”

“Don’t tell Dia anything.” Maki growled, Dia pressed against her as she glared at Nico, daring her to come any closer.

Retreating into the hall, Nico forced tears back, or she’d be wailing as loud as Dia. How had this gone so wrong?

A/N: Rainy, moody weather.

[cluttermind]

Mother’s Day (CS One Shot)

Also on: ao3

Summary: A quick and fluffy Captain Swan Mother's Day one shot. 

Rating: M

Words: 1,290

Notes:  Happy Mother’s Day everyone! Hope you enjoy this fluffiness. 

//

“Happy Mother’s Day,” Killian whispered against her skin as he kissed softly behind her ear, scruff scratching lightly against her. Emma was lying on her side, scrolling aimlessly through her phone with their bedroom TV on in the background, tuned to an episode of Gilmore Girls she had seen a thousand times. Killian’s gift to her was a night of peace. He bathed and put the baby down while she had the chance to be lazy for a while.

Emma had spent the day with her baby girl and her parents. It was her first Mother’s Day since Hope was born and it was beyond anything she could ever have dreamed of. Hope - or rather Killian - bought her a sweet card, a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and a dainty silver anklet that had an even more adorable, matching tiny one for Hope. She cried when she opened it and showered her tiny baby with a million kisses. Part of her still couldn’t believe that she was a mother, let alone the mother of this wonderful little girl. All day she felt as if her heart world burst.

She sighed, grinning as her husband settled into bed behind her. “I love you.”

“I love you more.” He wrapped his arm around her waist and held her tight against him. “You are an incredible mother.”

“She makes it easy. . . sometimes.” Emma grinned. Waking up multiple times a night every night is not exactly her definition of easy, but the way Hope calmed when either she or Killian held her was worth every second of lost sleep. Thankfully, she’s been getting better at sleeping through the night and Emma was silently praying tonight would be one of those nights.

“Aye. She’s perfect.” They heard Hope fussing through the baby monitor. Killian sighed, shifting so he can get up and see what’s up with Hope. “I got her. You, my love, should enjoy that bath you’ve been wanting.” He kissed her cheek gingerly before leaving the room. Less than a minute later, she heard him cooing through the monitor as she started to get undressed. “Hello beautiful. What’s got you all fussy, lass?”

Emma giggled softly and turned the water on. How did I get so lucky? Killian didn’t return until she had already settled into the bath. He poked his head into the bathroom. “Oh hello there, love.”

“Hi handsome. Hope’s okay?”

“I forgot to put Snuggles next to her.” Snuggles was Hope’s stuffed dog.

“I’m shocked she wasn’t screaming bloody murder.” Emma joked as Killian knelt down next to the tub to kiss her softly.

“Did you have a nice day, love?” He asked, his thumb gently stroking her cheek.

“It was wonderful.” She smiled at him, still having to convince herself that this wasn’t a dream - that the man sitting in front of her is her husband who she has a wonderful daughter with. “Why are you still over there and not in here?”

“Because I was going to ask if you wanted wine to go with that bath of yours.”

Emma moaned. Wine and a bath? Heaven. “That sounds better than sex.”

Killian chuckled. “I’m choosing to ignore that,” he said as he stood to run down to the kitchen to fetch a bottle and two glasses. Emma was humming to herself when he eventually returned, sitting in pure bliss surrounded by bubbles. “Someone’s happy.”

“Very. And I’ll be even more happy when you hand me that glass you’re pouring.” Killian obliged, handing her the large glass. “My savior.”

“I think it’s supposed to be the other way around, lass,” he joked, pouring his own glass before gently clinking it against Emma’s. His eyes took her in. She was happy, glowing, sexy, and all his.

“Care to join me?”

“I quite like the view from here.” He said, smirking as his eyes scanned her body, bubbles beginning to fade. Killian leaned against the bathroom counter, allowing her to enjoy her moments of peace and quiet, sipping his glass of wine. He was the lucky one. A man with his past, someone who has taken lives and stolen from so many, hardly deserved a woman as wonderful as the one he has the privilege of calling his wife let alone the mother of his incredible, brilliant, beautiful daughter.

Emma noticed him staring - both at her and off into space. “Penny for your thoughts babe?”

“Just thinking about how I got so lucky.”

“Keep saying things like that and you might get lucky tonight.” Emma teased, finishing her glass.

Killian chuckled, taking her empty glass from her. “You finish up in here and I’ll meet you in the bedroom.” He left a chaste kiss on her lips before leaving the room. Something about that sentence, that quick kiss left a fire in her belly. She knew exactly what this man was capable of and he still had the power to leave her with butterflies in her stomach. Emma spent the next 15 minutes lounging lazily in the bathtub, day dreaming of what her husband had planned for her to finish off one of the best days of her life.

The second Emma got out of the tub Hope started crying. She sighed as she heard Killian jump out of bed to go to her. They were going through a bit of a dry spell and her thoughts had her riled up. She missed him. She missed the way he kissed her as if he was claiming her as his own. She missed the way his finger tips danced over her skin, teasing her. She missed the way his teeth would gently nip at her skin, making his way down her body. She missed the way his tongue felt when he flicked it against her clit. She missed the way he slid his fingers in so easily, working her to new heights every time. She missed the way he whispered dirty things in her ear and against her skin and the way his voice dropped to a timbre reserved for those words only. God, she missed the way it felt when he slipped inside her, joining them together like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together.

Fuck. It’s been so long . Most chances they had were either interrupted by crying or one of them was too tired to function let alone fuck. It’s been months without a proper release and she desperately missed her husband.

Emma dried herself off with a fluffy white towel that she wrapped around her before heading back into the bedroom. She heard Killian humming to Hope through the monitor. She smiled thinking that Hope was just crying because she knew he’d come running to her to sing her to sleep. Little rascal. She had her daddy wrapped around her little finger and she knew it.

“Sleep little angel. I’ll see you in the morning.” Killian said softly. Emma was lost in thought, still wrapped in the towel staring at a picture from their wedding day when he returned. “Now I believe we should have a few hours before we’re so rudely interrupted.” He joked.

Emma giggled and turned to face him. Her jaw nearly dropped to the floor when she saw him, standing before her in nothing but black silk boxer shorts. Killian read her so well. Somehow, he always knew what she needed. He walked over to her, toying with the top of her towel, blue eyes staring deeply into hers.

“Thought it was time we had some fun of our own,” Killian purred, his voice dropping to a place that made Emma’s entire body tingle as he tugged gently at the towel, letting it drop to the floor.

It really was a happy day.

[misfit-among-the-angels]

Ah I love so many of those cute questions! And I know you like stuff to distract you, so how about you answer all of them? 😘 Can be in batches or all at once.

I hope you are talking about these questions c:

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?I don’t eat cereal tbh

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?YES! I loove cold, especially when it’s all snowy around, then I feel so alive!

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?I have two bookmarks so I don’t use any other objects as bookmarks

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?I take my tea with two spoons of sugar and sometimes with milk if it’s black tea

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?Oh hell yea, I hate my smile most of the time

6: do you keep plants?Nope, I’m not much into keeping plans

7: do you name your plants?Nope

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?I used to write... Now i barely use any artistic stuff to express them :/

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?Nope

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?I sleep on back and on my both sides

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?Oh, I had so many that are now dead because I don’t talk to them anymore. One of them was naming my bag after Janick (lol). That there is one where we call Richard Kruspe Diva, this is such an old inside joke that usually I’m not even saying his name, just saying Diva. 

12: what’s your favorite planet?Saturn probably

13: what’s something that made you smile today?That Tobi post on facebook

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?Oh it would be messy but with so many posters all around since we both love them

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!Mercury is still shrinking

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?Idk, I just love every kind of pasta

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?I’d love to try black and maybe turquoise 

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.Me talking only about Rammstein for 5 hours straight and my best friend had to listen to that and he did. I still say sorry every time we remember that

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?I have my travel journal where I write about every trip I went to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?Green and brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.Oh that’s got to be my red backpack. She’s been to almost every trip I went to since probably 2016. She is old but she is the best one but soon it’s gonna be the time for her to retire 

22: are you a morning person?Hell no

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?Sleep

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?Maybe my best friend, I mean he already know probably every secret I had

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?I haven’t broken into any place

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?Maybe my New rock boots?? I mean idk

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?Spearmint

28: sunrise or sunset?Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?She used to make necklaces and make it as a birthday gift. I still have two  necklaces that she made for me as a gift and I still wear them and I still love them

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?Oh yea

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.Socks are cool and I love them, only that I usually forget to buy them and then I’m like “damn it, I’d love some nice socks to this outfit but I don’t have any..”

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.I think it was 2015 summer and I was totally drunk with my best friend, we were both fangirling/fanboying over Tobi and I remember he did something really hot and sexy - he poured some whiskey on my neck and licked it. Idk if he remembers that but my gods, I still can remember that and yea lol

33: what’s your fave pastry?Pies, cakes, buns of various kinds

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?It was a big pink sheep, I loved it so much because it was so cute and big and yea. I don’t think I named it. Idk, I hope my mother didn’t throw it away

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?I don’t really use them, tho I have one for when I’m writing

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?Danheim and Wardruna

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?Totally messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves!This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I really hate those fans who are like “I’m gonna die if I won’t be in a first row and I’ll do absolutely EVERYTHING to be there”. Yes, I get them and yes we all live being in a first row but man, those fans are so damn annoying. Like sure, I always try to be in a first row but I don’t bitch if I’m not

39: what color do you wear the most?Black, bit of red and blue

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?My Mjolnir necklace. Well my old one was missing and till this day I haven’t found it so I bought the one I have now and well, it’s my amulet so it means a lot to me

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?Good omens by  Terry Pratchett‎ and ‎Neil Gaiman

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!I don’t really have favorite one

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?This makes me sad because I never did that

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?Last autumn when I was in Krakow

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?I dunno

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.I’m so bad and thinking of puns tbh

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?Beetroot soup

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?Darkness. Oh no, I loooove darkness now

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?YES, I love it. Last ones were the newest Rammstein album and Wardruna -  Runaljod - Ragnarok

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?I don’t think I collect any odd things

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?Sooner than now by Sin cos tan

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?I don’t think I have any???

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?I’ve seen Beetlejuice and Pulp fiction and I love both of them

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?Me

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?Cry

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?The way they talk about something they are passionate about, the way they blush or try to be modest

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?I always have goosebumps when listening to it and yes I do sing along 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?Group of friends? hahah, it’s so bold to assume that I have a group of friends.. 

59: what’s your favorite myth?I love the myth of Ragnarok

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?Nope, I don’t like it

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?Can’t remember in both cases tbh

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?I don’t drink juice in the morning

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?I try to keep them organized 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?Dark but almost clear with few clouds

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?YES

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?Maybe something like this

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?I dunno, sometimes I love it sometimes I don’t

68: what’s winter like where you live?We used to have cool snowy winters

69: what are your favorite board games?Monopoly

70: have you ever used a ouija board?Nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?Black

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?I guess, never thought about this much

73: what are some of your worst habits?Being lazy, kinda being hot head

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.Smart, pretty, tall, has a good heart, funny, serious, helpful, has their own strong opinion about a lot of things, stubborn 

75: tell us about your pets!I don’t have any :/

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?I dunno, maybe

77: pink or yellow lemonade?Neither

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?Neither

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?My best friend giving me a nickname which happened to be the one I use a lot now

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?It’s creamy color, well I had a small voice of choosing them but I’m okay with them 

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.Oh no, I suck at describing stuff like this

82: are/were you good in school?Noo, I was sooo bad in school

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?Yep, I have so many plans for them. I’m still planning on getting more band/lyric related tattoos, also Tolkien one and the one with wolf and triquetra

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?I tried to get into reading them but I can’t buy any of them here and I hate reading them online

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?Yep, well basically all Avantasia albums lol

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?The Matrix, Kill Bill, Intouchables, Wild tales, The legend of 1900, Scent of a woman, Wag the dog

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?Idk

89: are you close to your parents?Not really

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.Krakow. The city that feels home to me, not only because it holds so much history of Lithuania but also because there is something about it that I just can’t describe... As my dad said it is a king city and it feels so, Krakow has a Wavel castle and so many other ancient buildings, maybe that’s why I love it so much. Even it seems that the life in it goes bit differently from any other cities, but from small Old town streets to Jewish district and to beautiful cemeteries everything makes me so happy there.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?I do plan to travel to Poland, then to Czech republic and then to Germany

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?Cheese, yes I love myself a lot of cheese on my pasta

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?I don’t have any other hairstyles other than the one I have in all my pictures

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?My best friend

95: what are your plans for this weekend?Don’t have any

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?It depends on my mood

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?ENFP, libra and i have no idea of my hogwarts house and I don’t really care

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?Last autumn, yes, I love hiking

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Far From Heaven by Battle beast Dancing With The Beast by Battle beast So Good It Hurts by Lord of the lost Harvest by NightwishRunaway train by Avantasia Hoffnung by Doro I Wish by Battle beast Traust by Heilung Serpentine by Pretty maids Ich weiß es nicht by Lindemann

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?Definitely past, because I have so many mistakes to fix and so many moments to relive

Thank you and sorry if my answers suck

[lillotte17]

Endings

So, I recently finished my PT with my M!Lavellan who romanced Dorian, and it hurt me in places. Which means all of you have to suffer with me. <3

Tauron woke with a gasp of pain as the anchor flared to life in his palm, burning its way up his arm. Every day it seemed to reach a little higher, slowly but surely gnawing its way upwards towards his heart. He was dizzy and sweating, and a bit nauseous, but he was accustomed to waking up like this by now, reaching for the pitcher of water on his bedside table without thinking.

He jerked in slight surprise at the feeling of a hand in his hair. It took a few seconds to remember that he had not actually gone to bed alone. The smell of a very particular perfume helped his mind catch up, though. He had been assured that it was very expensive. Only a few people in the Imperium knew how to make it properly. Tauron had always thought it was too strong, maybe a bit fussy- if a smell could be fussy- and definitely very…human. But association with the person who always wore it had made it into something comforting. Something that smelled like home.

“Vhenan,” he breathed out in a deeply satisfied sigh.

“Is this why you asked me to stay?” Dorian wondered. His voice sounded soft and worried; Tauron’s arm must look even worse than he thought.

“Can’t I just want to have you somewhere that isn’t a few countries away from me?” Tauron replied groggily, a faint buzzing ache still radiating up from his hand.

“Well, yes,” Dorian conceded, wrapping his arms around his lover’s waist a bit more firmly, “but you didn’t say anything to me about your mark in your letters. That means it must be serious.”

“It seemed silly to make you worry about something you couldn’t do anything about,” Tauron replied lightly, “And I don’t believe for one minute that none of our compatriots told you about it.”

“None of them told me it was making you scream bloody murder in your sleep,” Dorian returned, the edge of annoyance sharpening in his voice.

“Don’t worry; you won’t have to hear me scream when you go back to Minrathous,” Tauron snapped, “Which you didn’t tell me about, so I guess we’re even.”

Dorian stiffened behind him. The room went dead silent for a few heartbeats as the weight of their current predicament seemed to settle in around them. It hardly seemed fair, after all Tauron had ended up sacrificing, that they couldn’t even enjoy a single night together without the world stepping in to ruin things somehow.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered thickly, “I know what you’re trying to accomplish in Tevinter is important. I know it is. Every time I get word about everything you’re doing for your country I am just…so proud of you. I don’t want you to turn down this opportunity to instigate real change. But…you won’t even let me come with you, and I…”

“It is no crime to have occasional bouts of selfishness, Amatus,” Dorian said gently, “And I can’t say that I am eager to be apart from you for another two years either, or however long it takes, but we’ll…figure something out. We’re two of the most handsome and clever men in Thedas, I refuse to believe that we could be thwarted by something as mundane as a bit of space between us.”

It was Tauron’s turn to go still for a few moments. Dreading what he knew he had to say next. Feeling that somehow saying it aloud would make it more real.

“Vhenan…the anchor is killing me.”

“…What?” Dorian sputtered.

“The voices from the Well told me,” Tauron continued flatly, “The mark will continue to spread until it consumes me. Even cutting off my arm won’t stop it. We can’t… I don’t have another two years to wait for you.”

“You can’t just believe everything you hear from a bunch of disembodied elves,” Dorian scoffed, trying to mask his panic and not doing a terribly good job of it, “I’m sure there have been magical advancements since their time. You’re the Inquisitor, we’ll find you the finest Healers available, and they’ll tell you that you’re simply making a fuss over nothing in order to keep me with you- which is perfectly understandable, as I am quite marvelous- and then, once we’ve both gotten old and fat and useless, we’ll sit around drinking wine and laughing at your charming antics.”

“Dorian-” Tauron began, twisting in his arms to face him.

“Don’t,” Dorian countered hastily, “Don’t you dare look at me like that. Like you’ve given up on life. I absolutely refuse to believe that the Maker let you walk out of the Fade on two separate occasions, travel through time, kill a dozen dragons, and defeat the first darkspawn just to let you die from getting a bit of magic stuck in your hand.”

“The anchor is hardly just ‘a bit of magic’, Vhenan,” Tauron sighed in exasperated fondness, “And I don’t believe in the Maker, remember? All of my gods were just a bunch of elven magisters drunk on power.”

“I…I know, Amatus,” Dorian replied, letting out a long breath of his own and tilting forward to press their foreheads together, “It must feel as though everyone and everything here is set on tearing you down. But you have friends who would fight for you until the bitter end. People who care for you. And no one more than me.”

Tauron kissed him for that, slow and sweet.

“I was going to ask you to marry me, you know. Whenever you managed to come back to me for good,” he confessed afterwards, his throat tight with unshed tears, “We could’ve moved to Wycome with my clan. A whole new set of people for you to impress and offend. You’ve never had a scolding until you’ve had a Dalish scolding.”

“It couldn’t possibly be worse than Mother Giselle, could it?” Dorian asked with a strained-sounding laugh.

“Much worse,” Tauron insisted, “I’m fairly certain that I’ve seen Keeper Deshanna strip the paint of an aravel just by glaring at it.”

“Well, it certainly sounds tempting,” Dorian admitted, “I would hate to think that becoming your husband would rob me of my label as a pariah. And we both know how much I love camping out in the woods.”

“I know that Tevinter generally looks down its nose at the Free March cities, but I’d hardly compare a house in Wycome to living in the rough,” Tauron chuckled, “Of course, I could still build you an aravel, if you wanted. It’s actually a tradition in some clans. You’d really raise some eyebrows if you rode into Minrathous in a land ship pulled by halla.”

“I do like to make an entrance, but I am rather less interested in sleeping in bear pelts on the floor,” Dorian hummed thoughtfully, “And I must say, you are acting detestably confident that I would agree to marry you. Naked and rumpled in the middle of the night; what kind of proposal is that? Your timing is atrocious.”

“Are you telling me that you would say, ‘no’?” Tauron snorted in disbelief.

They shared a look, and he was all but certain that he was about to be treated to another glib response. Possibly a playful denial, or a demand for something absurdly expensive and difficult to come by as a wedding present. But then the mood seemed to shift ever so slightly, and Dorian's expression crumbled in on itself. His hands tightened on him, as though suddenly afraid he was about to disappear.

"Well…it wouldn't do much good to get married now, would it?" he choked out, a few tears finally making it past his defenses. "Not when you… If you're going to-"

"Dorian, Dorian…Vhenan ara," Tauron soothed, cupping the other man's face between his hands and gently wiping the wet from his cheeks with his thumbs, "I am… I'm so sorry. I wish we could have had a different ending. But I'm not sorry the Mark came to me. That I got the chance to meet you. I…I wouldn't trade what we had for anything. Not even a hundred more years on this earth. I love you, Dorian. So much."

Tauron's reassurance seemed to have the opposite effect than the one he had been aiming for. Dorian was really crying now.

"I knew you'd break my heart, you bloody bastard."

[cosmosogler]

a job offer was made.

i woke up early, but left late. felt lethargic and didn’t want to see people. 

class went fine, until the end. we got out 13 minutes late so we only had 2 minutes to prepare for quantum. i didn’t get to go to the bathroom. that ended up being ok though.

we got our midterms back. i got a 58%.

well, quantum started, so i had to put it away quickly and get my other notebook out. i made it 35 minutes into that lecture before i got up and went to the bathroom.

when i got in the stall i turned around and put my head against the door. well, i put my arm against the door, and put my head against my arm, because i don’t know what happens in there. 

i didn’t really, feel very strongly about it, at first, but i knew i needed to be alone for a few minutes. the thoughts got to be a lot though.

it feels like nothing i do even matters. why even try. i’m so stupid. i thought i could make things better... 

not every day, but a lot of days, i wonder if i made the right choice. but i don’t really want to make any other choice. i guess my parents spoiled me. i always need to get what i want.

i mean, i barely ever do, even when i ask for it or work hard for it. but i am stupid, and i was thinking, maybe, this time, it would be different?

i don’t understand. i knew what the questions wanted. i knew i’d gotten that information before, twice even, for some of the questions! nothing on that test was a surprise and i knew that. i even found myself understanding what was happening better as i derived some energy equations. i used my accommodation time and took it slow and felt satisfied with what i could accomplish without running up against the clock. 

what happened?

did i just not... study enough? i know “it’s a start” isn’t the same as “i did good,” but... this was the most i’ve ever done, aside from when i studied for the physics gre. 

people who did really good on this midterm got the same gre percentile as me. why am i so different when i take written tests? why am i so stupid that i can talk about quantum and explain stuff to my classmates, but the second a professor asks me to demonstrate what i know, i suddenly don’t know ANYTHING?

i don’t understand.

so i continued my grade school tradition of crying in the bathroom. this time was kind of better because i didn’t make any noise. i waited until the red left my face and went back to class. 

a couple of my classmates seemed pretty down too. i found out after quantum that i actually didn’t do the worst in the class, by a kind of noticeable margin. suzanne said that it might not get curved, but that the percentages don’t work the same way in grad school. she said the class grade typically gets split into two major groups with the higher group getting an a and the lower group getting around a b.

it was really discouraging because if i had done as well on the rest of the test as i did on the first third, i would have passed with a good grade. something in my brain stopped working after i got through the first problem and i didn’t notice.

i didn’t put any effort into making jokes today but i did mumble to luis on the way out for lab practice that “at least i moved up in the class rank since the prelims. since i did infinitely better on this one than that one.” 

he didn’t talk about his grade with me. i didn’t think about it really but i did notice he didn’t put much effort into looking not dead today either.

the lab was good. i looked around and said “ok who’s going to be my victim this week?” and i immediately picked soham and said i wanted to get to know him better. by working for several hours on a basic physics lab, we would accomplish getting to know each other better.

he was a little bossy at first but he cooled off once we got everything working properly. it didn’t take long to figure out why he was kind of fussy about the lab though. 

we were really, really good at it. i joked that he lined up the radius on the thing so well that there couldn’t possibly be even an atom out of place. he laughed and made rock-out fingers at me.

the professor said errors on the order of 5% would be good if you knew what you were doing. ours were under one percent. we finished first.

“yeah, team hypercompetence!” i cheered when our second error reading came out to like 0.8%. after that he started leaning on me for calculations a little more while he took data. and we took notes for our lectures.

we also didn’t leave the hanger on the spinning bar to get launched off even once. a couple tables around us did. forget to take off the hanger before starting to spin the thing, i mean.

that gave me a whole hour to mope before my e&m test. i sat at my desk and clicked idly at a logic puzzle while everyone else sat at their desks and clicked idly at their computers. none of us really offered any jokes. i was so bummed i didn’t know what to do with myself. 

at 2:55 i went to take my test. suzanne wished me luck and i thanked her and told them all to have good luck during their lecture. wasn’t sure what else to say.

the test went kind of awful? i knew what the questions were and how to set up the problems and the general procedure, it was basically harder versions of what i had just gone over with suzanne last night. i felt like i was forgetting a step somewhere even though i made sure to explicitly show how the boundary conditions affected my theoretical model of the system and where infinite series could be chopped up to lead to “more efficiency” in calculations based off my conjured equation. the professor had been big on that in class. 

i think i got one answer either completely right or almost right, but i don’t want to commit to that. i didn’t finish the first problem though even with the extra half time. 

i dunno man i guess being bummed AND intimidated by the professor had like a negative effect on my ability to perform on a test or something? that was mysterious.

afterward i went back into the office and we all dicked around for a while before anyone wanted to leave. harrison tried to cajole me into joking about my sarcasm some more but i wasn’t really having it. i don’t really remember what it was like to just be nineteen. 

like i had started this blog by then and i remember when i was nineteen. but it was so eaten up and engulfed by how severe my depression was getting that i just... don’t remember anything else except feeling so horrible that reality stopped meaning anything. so it’s hard to gauge how much energy a nineteen year old should have or what kinds of things people that age would normally think about. he is in the unusual position of being a graduate student but at the same time, like, he’s practically my brother’s age. being a teenager sucks.

i wasn’t really going anywhere in particular with that. just trying to understand my classmates a little better i guess. where they’re at and where they’re coming from. what a good response might be.

anyway my writing time is ended but i’m gonna keep going because important stuff happened after that too.

so around 4:50 or so we left for the bar, me and jennica and keegan and rebika. harrison was really dodgy about our invitation and left pretty abruptly when we were ready to go. i expressed the desire to beat up his mother to the others after he left.

like he doesn’t have to drink or anything but he is an adult and should be able to go out with his colleagues on a friday at least.

we sat outdoors since the weather was basically great. a bunch of guys sat at the table upwind of us and started smoking huge cigars which really irritated my throat. i started having coughing fits again so we moved tables.

i’ve noticed over the last week or so that i jump about three feet in the air every time i am touched unexpectedly. and if my classmates get too close to me when we are clustered together for whatever reason, or when jennica tries to lean in and gestures wildly, i shuffle away. 

she’s a very enthusiastic story teller. she was showing me a map on her phone today while covering basically the whole screen with her hand and scrolling around violently so that i actually felt motion sick.

anyway i didn’t drink. i told suzanne i wasn’t really in a very good position to be drinking right now. i had to wait like 20 minutes at the bar to even ask for food though. i guess someone has to go last. and by “last” i mean “after every person who comes up to the bar after all my friends have gotten their drinks and left.” the bar apparently is able to substitute tempeh for basically any meat in any of their dishes so i got buffalo tempeh mac and cheese. it was interesting. keegan expressed interest though. maybe he’ll get it next time.

i stayed at the table talkin with the other graduate students (some first year, some second year, some later, one from astronomy, etc) until it was dark. i didn’t stop feeling sick and miserable though. but i did find a time to visit the bank with jennica to set up my own private account with no mom germs on it. we’re going on tuesday after we’re done teaching. and suzanne told me about a much cheaper apartment complex that seems to have everything i pay for here AND more space. it’s like 300 dollars a month cheaper. actually my classmates seemed concerned that i was spending so much money on rent for a studio apartment. suzanne’s the only one who’s actually been into my home so far though and she was able to compare a lot for me.

i think i will move into that place next year instead of staying here. i like it here, it’s perfectly acceptable, but the money i could save would really add up... i could buy nice food instead of 7-minute rice sides. or, like, buy a ticket to disneyworld every month or something, i don’t know. or pay for my own insurance, or something.

on my way out i was stopped by some grad students i’ve spent time with but not personally spoken to. i mostly heckle the one guy while he plays ping pong but he’s really super good at it. he bought his own paddle and everything, but sometimes trick shots on a wobbly uneven table just don’t work out and it’s fun to tease. 

anyway this guy motioned for me to come over and said his friend was required to do some recruiting. and that he’d been smoking weed, i guess? the guy looked like he’d been hit by a truck. and he misheard a lot of my questions but we got that cleared up pretty fast when he was having very strange reactions to questions like “is this a shadowing-for-a-day sort of thing or is it a work-all-summer-i’ve-sold-my-soul-to-you sort of thing?”

he wanted me to work in his lab. he said he’d seen me loitering outside the e&m professor’s lab a couple times this semester. i’d seen him too while i was loitering. 

i’ve read all the posters in that hallway a couple times over each. the e&m professor doesn’t really do short answers to short questions. everything’s gotta be a 30-minute production. like that time i had to wait outside his office for 35 minutes.

anyway he said i might like working in his professor’s lab, which works with ultra low energy matter. i brightened. he said it was mostly helium isotopes. he might have said other stuff but i was trying to get, like, the location of the lab out of him so i didn’t hear everything he said. i made a memo on my phone to go talk to him on monday before my office hour.

i kinda struggled with this new information while i was heading out of the bar and dislodging my bike from the rack outside the church next door. and while i was biking home. and while i was taking off my backpack, and while i was brushing snoopy and giving her a good pet-down. 

like i’ve been so busy... i’ve had “talk to a faculty member about their project” on my to-do list for a week now and i haven’t been able to even go upstairs to look at their project titles. i’ve been trying so hard to be proactive but i really don’t have energy to actively do literally everything in my life. and this, kinda random, opportunity gets dropped in my lap. i feel kind of suspicious about it. like this could go a number of ways.

on the one hand, it might be a fun thing to learn about for a few days while i get introduced to other faculty members. or i might stick with this for a while. or forever. i get the feeling this is going to be a major life point coming up but i don’t have any real evidence other than an uneasy feeling. 

i also don’t have the grades to justify being really for real actually hired to work under a professor. i just really like working with machinery and i feel like i’m decent enough at it. “born to be an experimentalist,” suzanne smiled during our lunch break today. we get pizza during the practice lab sessions. we are supposed to be paying for it but i think our supervisor forgot about that. i wonder how many groups of grad students he’s “forgotten” to get payment from.

i’m decent with machinery, but i get the feeling if i spent time developing the skill i could get really good at it. i like fixing things. even during our advanced labs in undergrad i kinda liked troubleshooting and seeing all the very strange ways stuff could go wrong. it was frustrating because we were on a serious time crunch, especially with the part we needed not actually available any more, but i dunno. i get it in a way i can’t very well with math.

just gotta figure out how to link the two and i might be good to go as far as having a real life job that’s not teaching goes.

i liked programming too. computers always do exactly what you tell them to do. i think it’s really funny how badly stuff can go sideways, even if troubleshooting for eight hours might get “i’m going to give myself a hernia” levels of frustrating.

tomorrow i’m going to bike over to gamestop and see about getting that marshadow that’s been distributed. and i think i want to swim, too. groceries will probably be on the small side this week since mom never paid back that 900 money that i actually do need. she never explained why she took it either. 

i’m very suspicious that it’s a “surprise” that i neither asked for nor approved of, and which a very large portion of my money has been used for.

might be a paycheck +10% i’m just not going to get back. basically an entire rent payment down the drain.

opening a new bank account for myself will be a good thing i think. i’m glad jennica is going with me.

it’s now 11:10, which is 25 minutes past when i have decided is my “stop writing” time. it’s been a long day... next week is gonna bring a lot of trouble i think. between the bad grades and the “free speech” exhibition on thursday and not being able to see my drc aid for another week in a row and the new lab arrangement which is still very nebulous... i dunno. i’m real tired. 

at least snoopy had a good evening. i petted her, wiped her down with the dandruff wipe thing, brushed her, gave her cookies and some catnip, AND played with her for a while. she didn’t feel like playing back today but after talking with other people about their cats i’m starting to think that might be normal for some cats.

also i scratched my face REAL bad last night and it’s been hurting all day. i did a pretty good job of not messing with it today though. i will try to continue not hurting myself. i promise it was an accident, i was half asleep at the time.