#making the last three hours of gameplay into a fashion show

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Visual Novel Review – The Expression Amrilato

I adore any work that tries to do something different with yuri, and visual novels are perhaps the medium pushing boundaries most when it comes to traditional yuri storytelling. I recently played such a visual novel, Mangagamer’s English adaptation of SukeraSparo’s The Expression Amrilato. The Expression Amrilato is an educational yuri game, focusing on teaching the player the international language of Esperanto, or Juliamo as it is known in the game’s world. The game was developed in collaboration with The Japanese Esperanto Institute and I was thoroughly excited to not only experience a cute yuri adventure but to learn something new!

The story begins when the protagonist, Rin, is transported to a mysterious parallel world. It is almost identical to her own with the only obvious differences being the language spoken and the eternally pink sky. Lost and scared, Rin frantically tries to figure out what is going on to no avail. Fortunately, she is saved by a younger girl, Ruka, who speaks a smattering of the Japanese familiar to Rin.

Soon Rin is registered as a vizitanto (the Esperanto term for visitor), a person who traveled to the world from another. Ruka, who again, is three years her junior, is established as her guardian, a dynamic Rin is somewhat embarrassed by. The two girls begin living together in Ruka’s apartment as Rin learns the basics of Juliamo. She is assisted in this endeavor by Ruka and the helpful, if somewhat mischievous, librarian, Rei.

These three women, Rin, Ruka, and Rei, are the main cast of the visual novel. By focusing on such a small cast SukeraSparo was able to give each of them a distinct personality, complexity, and intricate relationships with each other. As previously mentioned, Rei is mischievous and often pokes fun at Rin and Ruka. However, she is incredibly protective of both of them, giving advice and acting as a sort of parent to the two younger girls. This dichotomy of character works surprisingly well, especially later in the game as she reveals more about the world and her past.

Rei is excellent but the highlight of the game is Ruka and Rin. Rin is a superb protagonist. She often thinks and narrates inwardly, giving us insight into her feelings. She describes herself as pretty unremarkable but is determined to be good at one thing, learning Juliamo. She also constantly ponders and overthinks her relationship with Ruka, an incredibly complicated topic. Ruka, however, is much more quietly confident and reserve (as well as adorable). Although the younger girl is prone to pouting and frustration at Rin’s occasional stupidity. But, their relationship is the real highlight of the game. 

Rin is “freeloading” off Ruka, and as Ruka is her guardian and teacher she is subservient. However, these tables are turned at times as Rin helps to teach Ruka more Japanese. Rin is also attracted to Ruka but she often blunders attempts to navigate or explain her feelings. The main boundary here is their language difference, which compels both Rin and the player to do their best learning Juliamo.

Rei acts as Rin’s primary resource for learning about the world she has wandered into. There is a surprising amount and world-building in The Expression Amrilato, particularly around the mechanics of how vizitanto come to the world and how governments support them. The established systems for how these vizitanto exist and assimilate, or not, into the world are fascinating and incredibly well thought out. This detailed setting creates an excellent framework for both the game’s education aspects and the core romance.

Overall, the romantic plot between Rin and Ruka is nothing new, it is the same “girl meets girl, girls likes girl, they get together” plot that has been told and retold countless times in the genre. This is not to say the romance is not enjoyable. Rin’s embarrassment and fumbling attempts to control her feelings for Ruka are simultaneously adorable and hilarious. The game has some fun with cliche moments like Rin falling into Ruka and them ending in a compromised position but also has some excellent human moments between the two, such as Ruka sleeping next to Rin to comfort her. The visual novel is decently tame with a little bit of suggestive description and one non-nude bathing scene early on. The lack of service feels appropriate and the characters are still able to hold their own romantic and sexual identities, a welcome accomplishment in the yuri genre which often spends too much time focusing on girls freaking out that they like other girls.

Choices exist in the game, primarily around using the Juliamo language. However, the romance and Rin’s fate ends in one of three ways, good, neutral, or bad, according to late game choices. I strongly disliked the choices as, for the most part, they have no clear indicator of where they are going, turning the story into guesswork, which was indeed my process to find all three endings, replaying the last section over and over again. Furthermore, on some routes, the choices that most players will want to make can lock them out of the best ending. I also was baffled by the choice to not have the player’s aptitude with Juliamo factor into the ending, as you can fail every quiz and get every dialogue option wrong and this will not affect the endings at all. Fortunately, the choices that do affect the ending are late in the game, so backtracking to find your desired outcome is possible. 

The character designs and artwork are by Naruse Chisato, and she does a fantastic job. Each of the major characters looks are distinctive, with differing heights, body types, fashion sense, and proportions. I particularly enjoyed the varying outfits on Ruka and her facial expressions (especially when pouting). However, the characters often have a stiff cardboard feel to them, as they have very few poses and clash somewhat against the depth of the backgrounds. Additionally, some of the expressions, particularly on Rei, appear warped and unnatural.

The backgrounds and CG artwork, the latter of which are plentiful, are wonderful. They have a soft pastel look without ever being washed out, and the characters here appear much more at home in their environments and more animated, with cutouts frequently appearing in CGs to show action. Different art assets used in the educational scenes such as flashcards or writing on a chalkboard are excellent editions. Unfortunately, as the story takes place primarily in Ruka’s apartment and the library, the player will quickly become bored by these backgrounds and long for a change of scenery.

The voice talent matches the artwork in its high quality. This is particularly important in this game, as listening to language pronunciation is vital. The actresses easily switch between Esperanto and Japanese in a natural-sounding way. Great praise must be given to voice actresses for Rin and Ruka, Nagatsuma Juri and Uchida Shuu respectively, who convincingly stuttering and struggling over the languages their characters are learning while still being comprehensible.

Sadly, I found the soundtrack to be severely lacking. The game opens with an intro song, accompanied by animation, which was nice for a listen or two but I quickly grew tired of it. This is the most praise I have to offer the music. Most of the tracks are boring at best and at worst grate on the ears with discordant and irritating sounds. If I had not been playing the game to review it I would have disabled music after the first hour.

Finally, I cannot conclude my review of The Expression Amrilato without talking about the educational aspects and value of the game. For those of you who may not have known or have forgotten, when I am not writting about gay anime I am a teacher and spend a great deal of time studying pedagogy. Educational software can be an amazing tool for teaching, as it offers three key benefits, feedback, increased engagement, and interactivity. Using these criteria and just some of the knowledge I have gained from spending my entire life in school, although not always as a student, I examined how The Expression Amrilato teaches Esperanto.

The language is primarily taught through quiz-based learning. There are seven lessons which build on each other and the player then answers questions on. I was surprised by the variety in these quizzes, as they are not always just spouting the vocabulary word to name an object but can involve sentence and grammatical construction as well. Some of them are quite creative, such as when learning the parts of the body the player clicks on Ruka to identify the word she gives. These quizzes can be accessed independently after playing through them via the main menu and there is a Juliamo dictionary, although this is unlocked much later in the game than I would have liked.

Outside of the quizzes, new vocabulary and grammatical rules are often given and old ones reviewed, which appear as little pop-in at the side of the screen that gives pronunciation and spelling. Some gameplay sections of the visual novel have Rin complete actions that review previous lessons, such as going out shopping and needing to name the foods she buys. I enjoyed these sections in particular, as they felt more compelling to me than the quizzes ever did.

Given the criteria for education software, The Expression Amrilato does an okay but not amazing job. It does offer instant feedback, telling the player if they got a question wrong and giving them the correct answer, and has limited interactivity. However, on this front, I cannot help but wonder if the medium is holding the game back. The player never has many complicated choices or questions, and cannot write in answers or construct sentences. Instead, the quizzes and story sections are limited almost exclusively to multiple-choice selection. Engagement is probably where the game shines most, as it has a deep story and amazing art to compliment the learning.

The Expression Amrilato is a unique and enjoyable experience. The story has surprising depth, although it did little to break out of genre tropes. The game’s artwork is stupendous, giving both quality designs and backgrounds and a plethora of great CGs. The yuri romance is reliably cute and serves as a fun framework for learning Esperanto. While not pedagogically perfect, you will get out of the game what you put into it and, with a bit of work, you should walk away with some basics of the language and a big smile from those animated lesbians. 

Ratings: Story – 7 Characters – 8 Art – 9 Voice – 7 Music – 2 Education – 5 LGBTQ – 5 Lewdness – 2 Final – 7

Review copy provided by MangaGamer

You can purchase The Expression Amrilato from Steam, Mangagamer’s website, and other digital storefronts.

Mangagamer is offering free review copies to any and all educational institutes that endorse Esperanto learning.

[wish-to-grow-a-garden]

So, I just finished playing Hello Neighbor and I'm here to give it my personal rating because reasons.

First off, I'll admit that the only reason I even was able to beat it was because I used walkthroughs. Without them, I never would have figured out half the shortcuts and mechanics and secrets (more on that later), but I just wanted to see how the game actually turned out in the end because most Youtubers I watched play it kinda gave up after like the 3rd version that got released. That being said...

Overall Game Rating: 6/10

So at its core this game had potential. I WANTED the final version of this game to be better than it was. Would it ever have been the best game ever? I highly doubt it. But it could have been much more noteworthy if it had just *functioned* better. I'm also fully aware that I'm several years late, but man I just need to give my discourse and opinions to someone who isn't 9 or a completely lost parent. Anyways, allow me to explain myself in the good old fashioned Tumblr way of bullets-

The Good

Physical design. Now, this is a completely personal opinion here, but I liked how the game looked. It was colorful, it had its own distinct style. There were very few occasions when I couldn't tell what something was, and most of the time those indistinguishables weren't remotely important. I also like how the writing in the game was scrambled to kinda make it fun and nonsensical, but you could still pretty much tell what it was meant to say.

Story! Guys, the main reason I came back to this game in the first place; the reason I really wanted to see it finished and see what happened in all those chapters that I never saw finished; was because I wanted to get more of the story. I wanted to know what happened, and while I'm still not entirely certain, I have several theories. And all the theories follow the same general track with a few basic deviations, so I'd say that the game did a pretty good job of getting it's focal points across.

The puzzel aspect. I like games that make me (when I'm actually playing seriously and not just playing to get through it) think. And I wasn't using the guide every step of the way, so I had a genuinely good time figuring out what items went to what, and what I could do with certain objects that I couldn't achieve with others. I think the overall idea of "hey, run around this dude's house and work out his overly complicated, Ikea-like home full of coniptions and contraptions" super fun.

Multiple ways to reach endings. Now, mainly this applied to Act 2 in my experience because Act 1 seemed pretty straightforward and Act 3 had me frustrated for so many days to the point where I couldn't really appreciate its options (more on that in a bit), but I'm sure there were deviating paths there as well. Point is, I saw 3 seperate ways of escaping the Neighbor's house in act 2, and I just sorta thought that was cool. And considering I'm playing for myself, and guiding (playing) two children through their own files, I managed to get two of those 3 escapes. The endings were the same, but still, it's cool.

The secrets and optional pathways. There were several rooms that I never actually managed to get into when i was playing through just because I wasn't secret I hunting. But I DID take notice of them, plus there were quite a few that I just happened to find my way into during my run arounds, and I explored because hey! Secrets! And I'm sure there was a ton of extra story material I missed because I neglected a lot of them, but I can appreciate a game that leaves its little hidden details as something you sort of have to work for. If I ever find the patience and the time one day, maybe I'll go back for them.

Audio warnings. Okay okay, so I was a big dummy and played through the first 2 Acts without any sound, and only plugged in headphones for the second half of Act 3. But once I did, having the music pick up in warning when the neighbor spotted me, or being able to hear the mannequins coming was very nice.

The minigames/cut scenes. And I'm not including the Fear rooms in this because I did not take anywhere near as much intrest or enjoyment out of those. I mean the things you were just mean to sorta run through. The bits where you could see the neighbor at his lowest. The bits that showed that maybe, maybe this dude that you've been cussing out the entire game is actually just some dude who had a really tough run, and just ended up snapping. The bits that kinda make you feel bad for barging into his home and shattering all his windows and just being a general dick. The bit at the very end got me especially- when he's trapped in the room by the shadow figure, and he sorta looks out the window at you, and then just stands dejectedly in the corner. I wanted to help him. I REALLY wanted to help him. I felt bad leaving.

The Bad

Limited functionality. Oh my lord, if this game hadn't been so effing glitchy the whole way through, I might have been able to give it a 7 or 8 out of 10. But it just...didn't. There were so many times when things would just vanish from my inventory and I'd have to reload, or the puzzle wouldn't solve the way it was meant to and I'd have to Macgyver my way around it. There were also several times where I would be trying to hide in a locker/closet, and my character would get stuck in the door of said locker/closet. Half the time it would get me caught, and half the time I'd have to button mash for several minutes before I could get free. The worst possible glitch I had during my whole experience was when I was trying to get up to the roof garden in Act 3. My walkthrough told me I had to get in the trolley and stop it just before a ledge to jump up. The problem is THE TROLLEY WOULDN'T STOP. Every time I tried, I'd either glitch through the front and get hit and die, or it would just completely break the train and it would just go into constant motion, not even making its programmed stops at the different stations.

Ridiculous enemy sightline triggers. Listen, Act 2 in particular was absolute HELL to get through the first time (and even unnecessarily difficult after I took the lids through it the 2nd and 3rd times) because the neighbor could be like 3 blocks down and inside his local "Murderous Psycos Anonymous" meeting, and yet the moment I step foot in his yard he's on a dead sprint to my location. And don't even get me STARTED on the mannequins in the Fear rooms. Their sightline triggers were so ridiculously unfair that if I hadn't had the sound triggers telling me they were coming, I never would have gotten past those rooms. But the sensitivity could have even been brushed off, if it were even remotely consistent. There were other times when I would be standing directly in front of the Neighbor, shining a flashlight in his eyes and staring him head on, and yet because I was crouched and slightly out of his sightline (this happened several times in the basement of Act 1.)

Pointless enemy boundaries. By this, I mean that the Neighbor is (apparently) meant to stop at the boundaires of his property when he's chasing you and you run off home. But he doesn't . In fact, quite often I couldn't get him to back off until I was actually physically in my house with the door closed.

Extremely unclear puzzle solutions. The main reason I opted to use the walkthroughs instead of working my way through the game myself? Because without them, it would have been damn near impossible. There were so many times that I was preforming the solution to a problem and I was just like "...really?". Requiring the player to interact with one of hundreds of completely repetative and indistinguishable paintings, having to glitch a shoe through a box to switch a lever, making a specific space match a painting on the wall to open a box that was down the hall and outside...it was just kind of ridiculous. I personally wouldn't have even guessed the the umbrellas could be used as floatation devices until maybe several hours into the game, if ever at all. When you have to many objects that seem unqiue but are actually just more props to toss around, it gets kinda hard to distinguish what is actually useful and what isn't.

The Iffy

The final boss. ...okay, I have to actually admit that I had a fun time being teeny and launching nerf darts and bottle rockets at the Neighbor. Especially after all the pain of getting through Act 2. (He actually didn't bother me much in Act 3.) But like...what was it? His household was weighing on his back or whatever. The reminders of his kids were causing him pain. Okay, okay, cool....but like...there wasn't any better setting for it? There was no better way to pull it off? I was legitimately just running around and doing things just to inconvenience the tall man in front of me. I died so many times just trying to work out the toaster puzzle until I got all...like, 600 umbrellas. I don't know, it was just strange execution.

The Fear Room Powerups. I didn't know the fear rooms were necessary. I didn't know they gave you powerups. Had I not read the walkthroughs, I never would have figured it out. And even AFTER I beat them, I didn't work out that I had power ups until last minute. There was no acknowledgment that I had gained a new power, save for the sneakily worded achievements. However, I did appreciate them while I had them. They let me Macgyver my way around even more.

The seemingly unexplorable. There were doors upon doors that I wanted to get through. And doors upon doors that seemed to have no actual entrances. No secret methods. No special actions. They were just doors. Taunting me. Is it possible I missed something? Absolutely, I'd bet on it. But all I'm saying is I ran around that house a lot in all three levels, and there were some things that I was just never able to work out.

The Conclusion

Hello Neighbor is a game for the patient and the crafty. I enjoyed it. I would have enjoyed it more if it were more functional and made even a lick of sense gameplay wise. But while it isn't anywhere near the best game I've ever played, it isn't the worst either. Its playable enough if you're willing to work around its defects. I'd suggest it for a rainy day, or an especially quarentined week.

[klimp42]

Final Fantasy 8: An Amazing Story Hidden Behind Weird Mechanics

So it should be said that there is one thing that I love and that is some good narrative in gaming. I love it, give me a game with a good narrative and at least decent gameplay and I am in there, and a good narrative doesn't mean oscar level writing because I love Deadly Premonition, a notoriously weird game, but a golden game in my heart. Its story is weird and unique and at times outright strange, but it's endearing and I love how wild the story gets as it goes on. Now why am I talking about this? Why it's because of my lovely new bad gameplay good narrative obsession, Final Fantasy 8. That's right, gamer boys and girls we are going back to another old game, and that's because I just played it, and the remastered just got announced at E3 this year.

Alright so if you know nothing about the Final Fantasy series, let alone the 8th installment, let me help you out. Final Fantasy is an old franchise, it started in 1987 and got its name because the original name Fighting Fantasy was taken by a board game in the states, the myth of it being called Final Fantasy because it was a last ditch effort to make a successful game is just that, a myth. The game is prolific, being one of the granddaddy's of the JRPG genre and helping bring that good ol fashion turn based combat system popular in tabletop games like Dungeons and Dragons (D&D)  to videogames. Final Fantasy 1 is a classic of gaming and also is kind of like D&D, you have classes similar to the previously mentioned board game; Warrior, Monk, Thief, Paladin; with a few of its own unique classes; Red mage, Black mage and White mage. The games story was very simple, worlds ending, killing these fiends and go back in time and stop Chaos from doing this over again, also at some point the game explains that you are from another universe and that's why you just start outside the beginning kingdom, Final Fantasy stories like to be a little wild at times.

Like D&D you gained levels in this game by fighting monsters, getting stronger with each fight and eventually being strong enough to be able to face the final boss on even grounds, or maybe a little above them if you grind out yourself to max level. This system, if you are into the RPG genre, is incredibly rewarding as you get to see your team of lowly nothings evolve into masters of combat who can slay gods. The best part, to me at least, is going back to the starting area or an area that gave you trouble and stomping on those monsters who thought they were so cool 20 levels ago. Now in Final Fantasy series this system is in most of them, fight monsters, get exp, level up and your stats go up with it, the special cases are Final Fantasy 2,6,8 and 10, and of these the worst offenders of weird leveling are 2, 6 and 8. That's right, I said it, 6 has a weird leveling system with level not raising stats and needing summons equipped to level stats, I personally don't believe that it deserves its spot as one of the best Final Fantasys but that is an article for another time. I could explain why each is weird and 10 is fun and different in a good way, but forget all that and let's get into the focus of this piece, Final Fantasy 8.

Now even though it is my new obsession in good story bad gameplay, my fascination for this game goes way back to when I was a 3 year old with a pizza hut demo disc. Yeah you bet that was a thing, you would order a large pizza and it would come with a playstation demo disc that had a couple of games, but the only one that mattered to little old me was the demo for Final Fantasy 8, or that game with the guy with the cool sword and big water snake, as I was 3 and couldn't read that well. Seriously, if you have played a Final Fantasy game before you would know that you can use summons by clicking the tab they are in and then selecting the one you want, well ol kid me thought it was random as I was just picking things at random. So what I am saying is, I have always had a special place for this game in my heart, so there might be a bit of bias.

So I spent some time flip flopping over what I wanted to discuss and explain first, story or gameplay, on the one hand I wanted you to know what FF8 had to offer narratively, but on the other hand I feel I should let you guys know what you're getting into when you play this. So I decided to compliment sandwich this one, but like a subway compliment sandwich where the teenager who doesn't really want to work there barely tries to cut your bread so the top part is like really thin. So thin that what I am going to give you is this, FF8 is a great story of a young man learning to overcome his own weaknesses to understand that strength can be found in companions, listen I know that sounds cliche but I need more space to talk about the amazing character development and got to tell you about this bad gameplay.

So remember when I said that old Final Fantasy's had a nice leveling system based on fighting enemies, getting exp and raising stats? Throw it all out the window, because like I told you earlier FF8 is one of the weird ones. So for some reason FF8 has a whole system based around equipping "Guardian Forces" (summons) and then through this unlocking the ability to junction (equip) magic to your stats; like strength, magic, hp and the other classics; while also being able to junction magic to element and status attack and defense, allowing you to be able to either protect or do damage based on said elements and statuses. Now you might be thinking how does this work, because magic is usually used based on magic points (mp) well there is no mp in FF8. This is due to the narrative stating that it is very rare for people to do raw magic instead they need to draw magic from nature and creatures/people and use it that way. This means that in FF8 magic is a finite resource and instead of regaining mp you have to spend time drawing magic that is randomized to be either 2 or 12 magic, so it can take awhile. If this sounds a bit weird and confusing, don't worry it kind of is, there are tutorials to explain it, but man is it a weird system. So why is this all necessary? Well unlike other Final Fantasy's, in FF8 leveling raises your stats by the littlest amount, so to be able to do decent damage and also defend against it you need to junction magic. Also to make things even worse, leveling can be a problem as monsters level with you, so if an enemy is tough for you at level 20, raising your level to 30 won't help you as they will be doing more damage and have more health. The game does try to offset this by making it so if an enemy had fire to be drawn at lvl 10, at lvl 30 they would have fira to be drawn, which would make it so that you can junction a more powerful magic and do more damage. FF8 also gives you the option to just cast magic instead of drawing it from enemies, and can be useful since most bosses have healing magic to draw from them meaning you can go in without a huge stock of cure's.

Alright so we have a confusing system with a bad mechanic of monsters getting stronger with you as you level, is that all that is weird? Nope. So remember the guardian forces I mentioned earlier? Well they are necessary to be able to junction spells to stats and make your party stronger, but there are a limited number of them and that usually means only three of the six party members will have guardian forces so you can make a decent party for fighting. The problem is that the game likes to switch around who is playable a lot, and while it is fun and interesting in the narrative, it sucks gameplay wise. The game does make it easy by letting you be able to switch who has what guardian forces in a menu, but it gets tedious after the 15th time you have to do it and especially when the game switches between two perspectives like 4 times in 30 minutes. Also sometimes you have dream sequences where you play as another team and when you come back to your main party everyone but Squall, the main character, has everything unequipped, so you have to go back and re-junction everything and it's just a waste of time. Listen I could keep going on the weird aspects of this game, but I don't want it to take up this whole article and we got cool card games to talk about.

FF8 does a lot of things in a weird and bad way, but that doesn't mean it doesn't do things really really right, and thats with Triple Triad baby! Triple Triad is the super fun card game that exist within FF8, a game so good that you can also play it in FF14. The game is easy to get into and can get pretty hard with each area of the game map have unique rules, yet you can game the system by going to areas and abolishing rules and bring rules from other regions to new regions. Well except for one region, it is the king of rules, no exceptions! The fun of this game is not just showing the npc's of FF8 why you are the Yugi Muto of Triple Triad, you see you can learn an ability to turn cards you win from Triple Triad into items, which in turn can be turned into spells, powerful spells, I'm talking spells you are not meant to gain until like lvl 45 or 50. This means that if you want to you can spend time in the starting area at lvl 7 and leave a powerhouse that level thanks to Triple Triad. But there is a problem, this method is not quick, it takes hours to do this and also to even be able to get the ability to do this you will need to get AP for your Guardian Forces, which means either fighting fights normally or carding enemies which kills them but doesn' give exp, it can only be done at low health so be careful not to accidentally kill them.

So I have given a decent way to have fun but let me give you guys, in my opinion, the best way to enjoy FF8's gameplay, cheats. That's right a game that's so weird that the PC port has cheats that you can add to your save. I'm not talking about the normal ones we saw when FF7 and FF9 were ported to modern consoles, like the ability to turn off encounters and have it so you don't lose health in combat and do max 9999 damage. I am talking about the ability to modify a save file so you start with most low and mid level magic at full stock on all characters, and let me tell you it is a blessing. On PC it also allows you to at anytime raise all magic stocks to 100 and max level Guardian Forces, and let me tell you guys if you don't have the patience for the grind or want to try and just enjoy the story I highly suggest using these cheats, it makes things so much easier and I hope that the FF8 port coming to console has these cheats too. Also I should let you guys know I didn't immediately use these cheats, I tried to play it legit about three different times and every time the grind burnt me out, honestly if it wasn't for these cheats I would never had enjoyed FF8's amazing story. Speaking of amazing stories, let's finish off this subway compliment sandwich and talk about the good stuff.

So let me give you guys the easy lore of this world, on this planet, there are two types of people, normal people and sorceress, sorceresses can use magic naturally and a lot of them use this power for world domination especially the last sorceress, Adel, who was in charge of the country of Esthar and almost succeeded, due to this the Gardens were created by a man named Cid with the sole purpose to be able to kill sorceress should one like Adel show up again. The thing is one will show up and I don't mean because of plots need for a main antagonist, I mean because a sorceress can not die until she passes her powers to another female. Our story follows the character of Squall Lionheart, a quiet and distant youth who wants nothing more than to be able to prove that he is strong enough to be on his own, so badly that he actively shuts out other people who try to get close to him. Our boy here is a SeeD candidate in Balamb Garden, which means he is close to graduating and being basically a mercenary for the Garden until the need to fight a Sorceress arrives. And from there that's how the story grows, you have a cast of characters that join over time each interesting in their own right, helping as you deal with a looming sorceresses threat. Sounds pretty standard right? Well let's be real even something standard can be handled masterfully and that is exactly what FF8 does. Before I get into that there are two more characters I need to talk about. Laguna Loire, a soldier of the Galbadian army, who Squall keeps having vivid dreams about, through these dreams you see piece by piece of what he went through and how these events shaped him and the world around him and also how he is connected to Squall. There is also Rinoa Heartilly, a young girl who wishes to free the city of Timber from Galabadian control and in the process acts as the catalyst to what motivates Squall to change, all do to a chance meeting. When you look at the plot of FF8 it is abit generic what with stopping a Sorceress from creating her perfect utopia and most characters, outside of the ones mentioned above, get little depth to them, but what makes this story so engaging and interesting is Squall.

You see Squall starts off as a character who I can say I was disappointed in and didn't really like, a character I had adored since I was a kid due to my memories with that demo. He is angsty, off putting and really annoying, hell it feels like half of Squalls Dialogue is "...", but the thing is, that's the point. Squall is like that because he is afraid of trusting people again, fearing that if he does he will get hurt again and abandoned like he was as a child, so he puts on this cold front to make it easier for him, he doesn't have to worry if people like and rely on him if he is cold and indifferent, they would all just hate him. It is through this premise and his chance meeting with Rinoa that we see how Squall grows and changes, a man who I started off hating and grew to love and it's because it feels natural. Squall isn't cold because he thinks its cool or because he knows he is better than everyone else, he is a kid, a sad kid who went through heartbreak way to young and is afraid to love someone again. He is thrust into a dangerous world and has to come to terms that his lifestyle will not work for him, that he needs and wants to rely on others and he can't just keep ignoring a part of himself. Through the course of FF8 you see a quiet kid with a broken heart, overcome himself and become a real hero and use his new strength to make sure he can protect those close to him as well as himself.

And now we reach a bit of a problem, I would love to explain more, I want to explain why certain scenes moved me so much and why Squall's journey brought me to tears, but then I would need to spoil parts of the story, and that is the last thing I want to do. This is a Final Fantasy story that has incredible character development and I want people to be able to experience it themselves, to see what makes it great. I should also at least mention that the story is not without faults and tropes with Rinoa starting off being your typical manic pixie dream girl and if Squall really wanted to be alone he would have left SeeD after completing his training, and of course the other characters are not given as much screen time as Squall and Rinoa. However, tropes are not always bad and can still have depth, and by the end of the story I would say that Rinoa sheds the trope but it is on the nose in the beginning.

I left a lot of stuff out and with the HD remaster coming out sometime this year I think that if this article intrigued you, pick up a copy and experience it yourself. Experience a masterpiece of character growth that I believe is held back by clunky gameplay choices. I sincerely hope if you do decide to pick up this title that you enjoy Squall's story as much as I did.

[vgwriter]

Breath of the Wild: A Review

A Little History

Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild came out in 2017 to universal acclaim and helped to successfully launch the Nintendo Switch. While that is far from a surprise, (the Zelda series is one of the most critically acclaimed and commercially successful franchises of all time) Breath of the Wild does take the series in a much different direction. It's focus is almost completely on exploration and is the most nonlinear of the series. It is the second biggest jump the series has made outside of going 3D. So, does it work? Well, the rest of the world and their mother seem to think so but here's my take on this game.

What I Loved

*SPOILERS*

#1-A Story to Remember

It seems odd to focus on the story when the game doesn't but behind the vast world and great characters is a subtle yet amazingly well executed story. The player finds Link in a DBZ healing pod after he is just awakened from a hundred year slumber of healing. He is told by the disembodied voice of British Zelda to defeat Calamity Ganon but wait, there's more! Turns out Link has amnesia from the fight he had 100 years ago trying to protect Zelda. After obtaining the Sheikah Slate (the games multi-tool), the player discovers there are photos Zelda locked in the Slate to help Link recover his memory. This is how the story is unfolded for the player. The struggles of the Five Champions and Princess Zelda are seen through flashbacks that explain how Hyrule went to sh*t. It is a simple and traditional method but it is effective when coupled with the games minimalist piano soundtrack and isolated atmosphere. It gives a heartbreaking insight into just how lonely and broken this version of Hyrule is and how much Link and the others lost.

#2-The Puzzles

The games dungeons are split up into two catagories: shrine and divine beasts. The shrines are smaller and have a variety of challenges in their 120 locations while the devine beasts are 4 large challenges with several moving parts. Most shrines are designed to be easy to follow but still make the player feel creative. This feeling of creativity stems from the developers themselves that made each level doable in multiple ways. Each dungeon is designed to test the players use of the games mechanics, the player can play it how it was designed or try to tackle it from another angle. One example from my personal playthrough was using a bomb arrow to light fire because I couldn't figure out how to light a torch through a gate. It worked but probably not the way it was designed to. While not every shrine has a variety of ways to solve them (mostly the trial by combat shrines), they are all intriguing challenges designed with fun in mind and feel rewarding when completed. The divine beasts are a similar story with a few minor details. The player must first find the map of the dungeon and then go about reclaiming terminals to free the divine. The map is a 3D rendering of the dungeon with an interactive portion that moves key parts of the beast around. This was a great design choice because it challenges the player to think of the dungeon as a moving puzzle and to consider how moving the pieces will help them advance to the boss.

#3-The World and Character Design

To say the world is stunning is an understatement. The design of the enviroment feels so natural to explore and interact with that finding Koroks is like spoting cognitive distortion in a high school drop outs racist rant on Facebook. I usually find map towers annoying in games like Assassin's Creed but in BOTW they are better integrated into the games exploration. Some towers are actually challenging to climb if Link doesn't have enough stamina or if the player just throws him onto a tower without looking for enemies first. They are like little challenges all their own and it is a great take on something that has been bland and stale since it was first introduced (to me at least) in AC1. Outside of the towers is the vast world that pulls the player into it with rewarding exploration in cute and helpful ways. The shrines are an obvious reason to explore but there are also Koroks, fun and unique side quests, and just cool stuff to find as well. The variety and density of things to do justifies the games gigantic map. It is one of the few games to live up to the idea of an open-world and keep it interesting throughout a 100 hour playthrough.

The art design, oh my cel shaded god, it's amazing. I'm not gonna pretend like I'm some art history major but the regional designs do some pretty interesting things with the enviroment. The five peoples in Hyrule have all appeared in previous titles but have been tweaked in some way for BOTW. The Gorons have a theme of raw strength throughout their entire section of the map, from their weapons to the steel planks on the streets of Goron City. The Rito's design is more centered on their freedom and ability to fly with the entire settlement resembling a nest. Seriously, everything has feathers. The Zora have an elegance in everything they own from the large city built from one large carving to the silver weapons. The Gerudo seem to be a shell of their former selves like the Hylians with ruins surrounding their two settlements. Their quality in construction and bejewelment of everything that shines shows what matters most to them, beauty and effectiveness. The Hylian design is European with a mix of far east in certain pockets. Hyrule castle is a great dungeon that actually lives up to the title of castle. Kakariko village is a weird area that doesn't fit into the Hylian design but c'mon, you can't go wrong with far eastern architecture. Each region has its own design that both fit its surroundings and its people and feels natural, like the people and land are truly living together. It's impressive that Nintendo was able to pull that off because it is not easy to do.

The characters are simply iconic, mostly. The four champions don't get a lot of screen time but they use what they have effectively. Daruk is a stubborn strong man with a great admiration for strength and brotherhood. Mipha is the white mage of the group with a thing for Link (which I prefer to Zelda). Revali is the arrogent prick of the group that comes around eventually. Urbosa is basically the group mom, being the most mature out of everyone. Each of these characters are simple but fill their role effectively and are all quite likeable (even Rivali). Their present day counterparts aren't as memorable though. I mean, outside of Sidon. Sidon makes me feel like I can do anything just by smiling. But everyone else I had to look up for this review. Yunobo is some shy kid that finally lives up to his potential. Teba is a proud warrior but really not that memorable. Riju comes close to being memorable but I still had to look her up. Outside of the champions and their descendents, Kilton made an impression on me. The Bolson company had one of my favorite quests and some of the funnier cutscenes. Each side quest character has that quaint old fashioned rpg vacuum writing. They all live in their own world and interact with Link for one reason.

Overall, the characters and how they interact with the enviroment are what make this game a masterpiece. The mechanics and story are what make it a great game but the world design is that extra step where most great games stumble to me.

#4-The Combat

The combat is simple but has a multitude of uses against the games enemies. Link has three moves: attack, shield, and shoot. Everything beyond this simple moveset depends on how the player equips Link or uses the Slate Ruins. If an enemy is mostly ice, fire weapons are super effective and vice versa. Thunder disarms anyone, including Link. It gets better than simple elemental weapons. If you bring a cucco to a battle and an enemy hits that cucco, a swarm of bird will rain hell on that unassuming bokoblin. Seriously, that alone gives this a 5/5! Also, the enviroment can be used as a weapon if it's set up correctly. If Link fells a tree and lines up the path right, it will attack the enemies. There is just so much to do in this game and it all works off of three simple actions. Perfect.

#5-Misc.

Some other things that stood out enough to mention but not enough to make a paragraph. The crafting is useful and not intrusive. Link can buy a house, which is always fun. The outfits are all great designs and useful in their respective enviroment. There are throwback outfits from previous titles (mostly through amiibos) and that is always cool. Zelda became a scholar and that was a great take, not just on Zelda but on the idea of fictional princesses in general. Link can cut grass. The variety of weapons is astounding. Oh, and uh, all this fits on a small little card no bigger then the last knuckle of my thumb.

What I Didn't Like

#1-The Weapons Fragile Weaponinity

The weapons break way too easy. That's it. That is the only thing I have to complain about this game. That shouldn't be all I have to complain about. I should have two more points to make at least but I don't. Nintendo has made a masterpiece.

The Score

This game shouldn't exsist, it's too good. The gameplay is simple but versatile. The enviroment is peaceful and relaxing while also being desolate and dangerous and this makes it fun to explore. The story and the enviroment fit so well together and compliment each other every time they connect. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a 5/5 and the definitive way to make open-ended games.

[zydrateacademy]

Review - The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

I never cared much for Zelda. My gaming life began with the likes of Unreal and Quake, later exploring the more intriguing worlds of Morrowind and Final Fantasy X. I was late to the nostalgic craze of Mario, Metroid, Pokemon and the likes of Zelda itself, though my brother would always gush about them as the years went on, while I delved into the Elder Scrolls and Assassin’s Creed franchises as my typical “favorite games” listing. Yet on a fateful evening outing with the family, I found myself with a brief demo of Breath of the Wild. Having a controller in my hand for the first time in probably a decade, I fell in love with the brief ten minutes I had with Link and his new world. It became an immediate Christmas wish, which was immediately fulfilled by my family within weeks of this request. My family was very excited that I wanted to try a Zelda game at all. So let’s get to it.

Link immediately awakes as much of a blank slate as I am, with nothing but amnesia and a female voice (quickly revealed to be Zelda herself) to guide him. We’re given something called a Sheikah Slate which looks like the lore’s own version of a Switch or iPad, and it basically serves as the game’s major MacGuffin that powers most of your abilities, map systems, and everything else. Apparently it’s an important device, as every major character and city leader immediately recognize it. From what I can understand in context, the device was in the possession of a team of champions that apparently died a hundred years prior. They fought against “Calamity Ganon”, the game’s major antagonist. You’re shown the castle off in the distance, but in the beginning Link is stuck on a massive plateau, and you need a wind glider to make it off alive. The old man helping you trades one after you learn the game’s four basic abilities, and the whole plateau serves as the tutorial. We get a stasis ability (for locking objects in a time field, of which you can manipulate its momentum), two different bomb types (one that rolls and a square for better control depending on terrain), a cryogenic that allows you to create ice blocks over water (which I often use to cross rivers) and a magnet (which does exactly what you’d expect it to). Other than the open world Dark Souls-esque combat, they serve as the game’s primary mechanics and they’ll each be used to solve every puzzle and find every chest throughout the game.  Sadly the game neglects to teach you how to cook, and I had to resort to google for that. Seems like it’s an oversight, but it’s one of the more fun mechanics, throwing a bunch of your gatherings in a pot to eventually see what might happen. It encourages experimentation which I enjoy, but if all else fails, throwing five durians or bananas in a pot will go a long way in of itself. The world opens up very quickly, as is usually advertised and mentioned in reviews. You can, in theory, immediately haul towards Calamity Ganon itself if you’re sneaky enough. I’m sure some YouTubers have already cleared it (quick research tells me it can be done in around 40-50 minutes), but more casual players would likely be crushed instantly. Instead you’re given several tasks, such as taming four Divine Beasts, massive mechanical creatures that roam Hyrule. They’re currently controlled by Ganon but you can retake them and they’ll all help during the final fight.

Beyond that, the world is ours. I admit I was feeling a bit dry of this genre after having around a thousand hours on Skyrim and a few hundred on the various Fallout’s, it’s a literal breath of fresh air as I found myself with a very simple goal: nab all the towers. In typical fashion more expected from the likes of Ubisoft, there are several towers to climb that unlock the maps of entire regions. I don’t mind this so much as it helps me get the lay of the land as well as a clear goal on the outset. I’d be very lost without them.

I have never been used to Zelda’s style of gaming but I have taken full advantage of the tools the game has given me. Chief of which being the open world itself. A vast majority of my gameplay has mostly been collecting different armor sets so that I can better face a variety of situations and weather conditions, and there’s a ton of gameplay to be had with that goal alone. In the first town that you are directed towards, there was a fairly expensive (for a starting player) stealth suit. I farmed some enemies which helped a lot in learning how to use a controller again, and the stealth bonus helped me nab some DLC armor which I used for a majority of the early to mid game, dozens of hours due to their helpful bonuses. While looking to afford that initial outfit, I ended up running into a shrine or two, and found a little tree pixie (called Koroks), which help to expand my inventory. The simple goal turned into its own micro-adventure and that’s something I very much appreciate about this game, though that does have a problem attached to it, which I’ll mention later. If my readers know me, then you know I’m a stealth player. Hilariously there is a stealth mechanic on this game with a little noise meter next to the minimap but the game wasn’t really built for it. You can sneak in enemy camps while they sleep and steal their weapons but it’s not always an ideal tactic. There’s no clear indication of detection ranges so if you alert an enemy, all you’ll see is a question mark on their head and you have very little to do with that information. A bush does not conceal me, for example, for the simple fact that it’s not considered a ‘solid object’ by the game’s standards.

That does lead to another problem. The stealth mechanic is part of the alleged “play your way” that doesn’t always work. In terms of exploration, it might. There’s a lot you can do, like plugging balloons on bombs to make them float around, or throw metal weapons at enemies during a lightning storm. There’s so much to do with the world itself, but I found very little purpose in doing any of that except for water cooler conversations of “stuff I managed to do”. You CAN use a leaf weapon to blow the enemy off the cliff, but why bother if you can two-shot them or even use one of your infinite bombs to accomplish the same goal? So why would you want to waste to much time and potential health and food items finagling with the controls which you could just press Y a couple times and make the problem go away? Not that I mind the combat over much. It has the usual fare of dodge, parry, block, flurry and a variety of charge attacks that can be kind of fun to use. I like how enemies often have their own large variety of weapons and that will change how they fight. A lizard with a bow will very often try to keep at a range from me, doing a backflip which causes me to sprint to close the gap, only for them to do it again when I try to take a swing. The same enemy type with a spear however, can be quite aggressive poking me at a range, but staying at just the right distance to piss me off. It’s a lot of fun, though. I was rather afraid of puzzles upon my initial interest of this game, and has been a large part in keeping me away from the franchise. They tend to make me feel stupid if I take too long to solve them, but there is an extra level of “hurrah!” when I manage to figure out exactly what I need to do. There is another complaint attached to this however. As I completed a few dozen shrines (there’s something to the effect of 120 total) I noticed the rest usually require some gimmick to find or unlock. There’s one I’ve yet to discover because I need to be on a platform during a blood moon, the game’s respawn mechanic. The problem is, you can’t force those and they show up roughly every three hours of game time. So I imagine one of my last shrines will be me standing on that damn platform while I watch Youtube or play something else.

There’s also a few puzzles that demand use of the motion controls, which can be incredibly fickle and frustrating. Some are better than others but I found it to be more annoying than anything and I hope they minimize that mechanic in the future. I’ve still had to resort to video guides. The Divine Beasts act as the game’s “major” dungeons preceding a boss fight, and to get to the boss, their entire body acts as a mobile puzzle. One of them has three cylinders in its midsection that can turn four times and there was far too much going on for my brain to handle. I managed to do the flying beast and water elephant on my own (with some pointers from my brother but not to a full on guide’s extent) but some of their innards are just a bit too complex to me. The other complaint that I alluded to earlier, is world density. Yes, there’s a lot of nooks and crannies that will often hide a shrine, treasure, and a variety of weapons and upgrades. It can be profitable at times to simply pick a direction and start running, but this only works to a point. Between my position and my current goal (a tower, an armor piece, a town) there might be a single shrine, maybe two, on my way to find. There was however, a lot of pointless running. I heard a Let’s Player mention that they suspected the world was built first and was just filled it in with things later. Frankly, it shows. Yes it’s cute to find a stump or pile of leaves just slightly out of place, hiding a Korok creature but once you get back to running there’s a lot of open plains, fields, and vertical mountains to climb with very little to do in between and nothing to show for it except a padded hour count.  There was some controversy over the durability of weapons. I barely had much of a problem with it. Jim Sterling infamously bashed it which earned a fair amount of ire (which is not foreign to him) and even tried to negate the common compliment of “It forces you to adjust your strategy!” Still, I’m inclined to agree with that defense. Relying on a single type of weapon could make the combat stale pretty quickly, but there’s still some high level weapons I wish stuck around for longer. I did manage to acquire the Master Sword which is a permanent weapon that can run out of ‘energy’ and gives itself a ten minute cooldown but that’s very much a late-game item to acquire. Before that you’re basically stuck with a horde of guardian axes and knight’s claymores. I have run into the odd situation of having two or three weapons left but I discovered that shrines respawn during blood moons, so I simply found myself in those “Major Test of Strength” shrines which give you a single enemy with predictable attack pattern, serving as a miniature boss fight to help you get used to the combat mechanics. They drop two or three fairly decent weapons and a lot can be done with them. It’s just another thing to do in a fairly enjoyable game.

I also wanted to compliment the game’s way of leveling itself up. It’s essentially tied to story progress and Divine Beast slaying. Each mob has a few different variations, color coded for your convenience. Usually starting brown and going up to blue, then black and others. Each harder than the last, usually just wielding more powerful weapons and having a fair amount of hitpoints. Since a lot of my gameplay was exploring, getting towers and collecting armor, the game never advanced too quickly for me. I’d have a few scattered harrowing fights but the game did a good job of making sure I could take my time with it. The early game throws a few blue Moblins at you which are fully capable of one-shotting your measly four hearts, but I feel that was a sort of observation test for a player to absorb. It forces you to think about what your facing, change weapons and strategy. In practice, it just made me terrified of the color blue for a while. The game only starts throwing the tougher enemies at you once you defeat the bosses accompanying the four Divine Beasts. As the game’s major dungeons, completing them is often a test of everything you’ve learned and is as good a marker as any for “this player is ready for tougher enemies”. I am very pleased with this kind of development, as my first ten hours was spent killing jello blobs and bats for their parts so I could sell them and afford more arrows. The game never really went “Okay, time for the tough stuff” when I’m still using a wooden goblin spear. I don’t expect I would get much out of the game’s Master Mode, serving as a sort of New Game Plus except without anything you’ve earned, and is basically just a Hard Mode. The DLC has plenty more to offer which I will explore eventually but it sounds difficult, and I’ve never been any kind of Hard Mode player. Still, I was afraid of this game and I’ve been doing just fine in it so the DLC may not be as intimidating as I think. In conclusion, I’m having a lot of fun in it. It may not have lasting replayability (though I can think of a few ‘corrections’ to my early game to help things along) and after so long, I find there’s very little to actually find as I climb snowy mountains and angrily wait for a thunderstorm to pass. I’m far from done with it though, not while I still have goals in mind. I do have my sights on beating this one, and for a newer-aged millennial gamer, finding a Zelda game that I actually enjoy is an accomplishment on their part. I understand BOTW is a major genre shift for the franchise, and I hope they continue the trend if they want me as a returning customer. Until then, this game is very, very good.

[whatsthecraicwithvideogames]

Fallout 4 is not a bad game. Just a bad Fallout game.

We are beginning to inch ever closer to my absolute favourite time of year. The time where all the top game developers come out for a weekend of huge reveals, tech demos, and a special brand of cringe that could only be found in one place. It is of course, E3! The New York Fashion Week for gamers, the best in the business parading around their newest creations for the eagerly awaiting fans. So, as we are on the approach, what better time to use E3 as a backdrop to my discussion for today?

Three years ago, in the early hours of the morning on June 15th, Bethesda had their first E3 showcase; and boy was it something. Due to the time difference, I was cooped up in my bed with my laptop at 2:30am, fervently awaiting Bethesda Game Studio’s director Todd Howard to grace us with his presence and allow us to view the first glimpse of one of the most anticipated games at the time. Fallout 4. I still get chills whenever I think about it. The tentative excitement as we were finally getting our first taste of the sweet, sweet Fallout 4 nectar, the sound of hundreds and thousands of fanboys simultaneously wetting themselves at the prospect of having their very own, real life Pip-Boy, and of course, the revelation that the game would be coming out that very same year, with only five months to wait! If nothing else, Bethesda are the masters of elevating their own hype (evident in the recent 24 hour livestream they recently hosted, featuring barely any activity, purely serving to manufacture mass hysteria leading up to the announcement of their new game: Fallout 76). However, perhaps they may not always be able to deliver on what the people want. Up until a few days ago, I adored Fallout 4. I’ll admit it was the first Fallout game I had ever completed, so I was seeing it through fresh eyes, with nothing to compare it to. Recently, that has changed. I have finally finished my playthrough of Fallout 3, and now I finally see what the people were talking about. Fallout 4, is not a good Fallout game.

The main thing that made Fallout 3 so unique in contrast to any other game I have ever played, is the ability to complete missions in such a wide variety of different ways. Personally, I like to put a lot of ability points into speech; I generally prefer to talk my way out of situations rather than punch my problems directly in the face. That’s partially due to my belief that choosing the peaceful path often garners the most interesting results, but really I’m just so intensely bad at video games that even attempting to shoot my way through a quest would almost certainly end HORRIBLY. That option isn't really available to me a whole lot in Fallout 4. Quests are largely quite linear, with a lot of them simply being ‘go to this place kill some people lift the thing bring it back level up repeat’. I'll give you a prime example of something that I did during my Fallout 3 play through that would never happen in 4. I met Three Dog after making my way to the Galaxy News Radio station, where I was looking for information about my father’s whereabouts. Three Dog initially wanted to restrict the info that he had until I contributed to ‘the Good Fight’ in some way (I believe he sends you to retrieve a radio dish for him). However, I was able to pass a tricky speech skill check, and I was able to get the facts that I needed and subsequently bypassing an entire mission. How many other modern games offer such expansive choice in the way you can play your game? In Fallout 4, charisma is used primarily as a way to get an extra 100 or so caps. It completely loses a huge part of what makes Fallout so special. There is little opportunity to roleplay a character effectively, as there are shockingly few ways to create variance between playthroughs, other than the configuration of perks you choose for you character, and even they don’t alter the gameplay enough to truly make a big enough impact. The lack of nonlinearity is not the only nail in the RPG coffin, however.

One of the most prevalent criticism to be found about Fallout 4 is the massive change to the dialogue system. Before, you had all of your options clearly laid out before you, with multiple attitudes and tones you could take throughout a conversation in order to really make you feel like you were really moulding the personality of your character. Now, you’re restricted to four desperately vague options in a dialogue tree, where it’s really anyone’s guess what is going to come out of your characters mouth. Not really prime conditions for some quality roleplaying. For example, for a lot of the conversations, there is a ‘sarcastic’ option. As if the ambiguous description wasn’t bad enough, choosing this option can often result in your character aggravating whoever you’re talking to with your unnecessary snarkiness, to the point that you can permanently alienate them, which can prove an issue when trying to complete quests a certain way. The decision to implement a dialogue tree is one that truly baffles me, as it is the most obvious difference of this game compared to the last (other than voice acting), and it is a completely unnecessary change that Bethesda must have known would receive backlash. It represents the core problem that the game faces. The core RPG elements of Fallout have been stripped down until they are barely there-which has likely been done so that they could focus more on improving the infamously janky gunplay from Fallout 3. Was having fun and usable combat mechanics AND good RPG elements not an option? Were Bethesda too busy trying to get Skyrim to work on every console ever created and they just forgot to add in the RPG part? The more that I think about it, the more logical that suggestion seems…

The karma system in Fallout 3 was a pretty basic mechanic, where you got good karma for doing good deeds, and bad karma for bad deeds. In turn, the state of your karma affects some of your interactions with the people in the Wasteland. For example, I had neutral karma for the majority of the game, which in turn meant that I had too low karma to acquire Fawkes as a companion, and also too high karma to have Jericho as my companion. It wasn’t the most complicated system, but it added another layer of role playing to the game and made you feel like your actions had consequences. If you had done bad things, you really felt like you were being judged for them by the people you met. Fallout 4 did away with this whole system, leaving instead in its place a significantly downgraded structure where the companion you had with you judged you on small actions that you did. It wasn’t very deep and it had no wide reaching consequences. Admittedly it’s not the hugest omission, but it does further support the argument that Bethesda were more concerned with making a good shooter game than with producing a deep and interesting RPG.

Fallout 4 is by no means a bad game. Not by a long shot. Bethesda showed once again that they are experts in creating vivid game worlds and offering a masterclass in visual storytelling. If this game had come out as a new IP, I imagine it would have received significantly less criticism. Unfortunately, Fallout 4 ended up being the slightly disappointing child that could never live up to its parents expectations, and it shall be forever doomed to the fate of living in the shadow of its more impressive older siblings.

[your-dietician]

Best 4th of the July weekend sales at Amazon 2021

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Best 4th of the July weekend sales at Amazon 2021

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Something to celebrate: Amazon just dropped a jaw-dropping array of 4th of July deals! (Photo: Getty Images)

We hold this truth to be self-evident: When it comes to stellar holiday-weekend deals, Amazon rules.

Prime Day might be in the rearview mirror, but never fear. Amazon is having a massive sale to mark the 4th of July, with discounts as deep as those we enjoyed during “Prime Time” last month. We’re talking incredible deals on TVs and tech, amazing markdowns on kitchen items and fabulous fashion finds (new vacation wardrobe, anyone?).

Of course, with Amazon Prime you’ll get so much more — access to new movies and TV shows, discounts at Whole Foods, exclusive sales and two-day shipping on many, many items. Not yet a member? Let’s fix that: Sign up for a free 30-day trial here. (And by the way, those without Prime still get free shipping on orders of $25 or more.)

Score some steals before they disappear — then get outside for fun in the sun. 

Best TV sales

Improve the view: Sony’s got the 4K TV of your dreams, at a fantastic July 4th discount. (Photo: Amazon)

This Sony X80J 65-inch 4K Ultra HD LED Smart Google TV is the latest from a manufacturer that’s long been at the forefront of top-notch home video. No shocker, then, that the display on this set is dazzlingly vivid and detailed. Originally $1,000, this beauty is available for only $898 for the 4th of July weekend!

Sony’s state-of-the-art Processor X1 is the power behind its true-to-life visuals, while HDR (High Dynamic Range) settings make sure colors stay bright and black levels are dark. Get ready: It’s going to feel like you’re sitting in the middle of all the action.

This 4K TV includes Google TV with instant access to hundreds of popular streaming apps like Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, HBO Max, Paramount+, Peacock and much, much more. It even has built-in Chromecast for slinging videos and music from your phone or tablet to the TV. Also: The remote has a microphone that lets you use Google Assistant for voice search and hands-free navigation. Shoppers are smitten.

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“In one word: Awesome. This is the best TV I’ve seen, for an incredible price and considering its features, it’s a steal,” raved a five-star reviewer. “It can be adjusted to give you absolute black even in a dark room; 4K and HDR are amazing…”

Check out more 4th of July TV sales below:

Insignia NS-32DF310NA19 32-inch Smart HD TV — Fire TV, $150 (was $200), amazon.com

Toshiba 32-inch Smart HD TV — Fire TV Edition, $160 (was $200), amazon.com

Toshiba 43-inch 43C350KU C350 Series LED 4K Ultra HD Smart Fire TV, $320 (was $370), amazon.com

Insignia 55-inch NS-55F301NA22 F30 Series LED 4K Ultra HD Smart Fire TV, $400 (was $500), amazon.com

LG OLED55C1PUB C1 Series 55-inch 4K Smart OLED TV, $1,397 (was $1,800), amazon.com

Samsung 65-inch Class QLED Q80A Series 4K Ultra HD Quantum Smart TV, $1,398 (was $1,700), amazon.com

Sony X90J 65-inch 4K Ultra HD LED Smart Google TV, $1,398 (was $1,600), amazon.com

Vizio 75 inch P-Series 4K Smart TV, $1,480 (was $1,700), amazon.com

Best headphone and earbud sales

Make all your friends jealous — and save $130. (Photo: Amazon)

On sale for $170, from $300, the Beats Solo Pro Headphones sync to just about any smartphone or laptop via Bluetooth, delivering rich audio and sturdy bass. Super sleek, the pro-level headphones come in a cool Light Blue. They’re noise-canceling, so you can block out just about all background and ambient sound to enjoy your favorite music and podcasts…or just a bit of silence.

“These are the best Beats so far…less bass-heavy than previous models. Sound is really crisp,” wrote a delighted five-star reviewer. “Very worth it. The noise canceling feature is so good. You basically cannot hear anything around you!”

The Beats have up to 40 hours of battery life per charge, so you don’t have to be tethered to an outlet all day long. They can pump out a solid stream of music with top-notch audio for nearly two days; most wireless headphones tap out after about 30 hours.

Check out more 4th of July headphone and earbud sales below:

Sennheiser Momentum True Wireless Bluetooth Earbuds, $128 (was $300), amazon.com

Beats Solo3 Wireless On-Ear Headphones, $120 (was $200), amazon.com

Beats Studio3 Wireless Noise Cancelling Over-Ear Headphones, $199 (was $350), amazon.com

Apple AirPods (wireless charging case), $160 (was $199), amazon.com

Apple AirPods Max, $490 (was $549), amazon.com

Sony ZX Series Wired On-Ear Headphones, $10 (was $20), amazon.com

Otium Wireless Earbuds, $23 with on-page coupon (was $46), amazon.com

Beats Ep Wired On-Ear Headphones, $90 (was $130), amazon.com

Best smartphone and tablet sales

The Moto G7 Plus is 40 percent off — down to a mere $150. (Photo: Amazon)

Who said a quality smartphone has to be expensive? Not us! The Motorola Moto G7 Plus — which is on sale for only $150 (was $250) — is equipped with 4GB of memory and 64GB of storage (expandable via microSD card). This Android smartphone, instantly upgradable to Android 10, also comes with a 6.2-inch Full HD+ Max Vision display that’s super sharp and bright. The Moto G7 Plus features a 16-megapixel rear shooter with a five-megapixel front-facing camera for video calls and selfies. Need extra security? It has a fingerprint sensor on its back.

“This phone is better than you can imagine…,” raved a savvy Amazon shopper. “Excellent build quality and body materials. The screen is responsive…. The operating system is the same as in Google Pixel, which is much more expensive. This is faster than any (budget) phone. I recommend it — a good buy for your family members who do not need a lot of unnecessary features, and at the same time you will get a very high-quality device.”

Check out more 4th of July smartphone and tablet sales below:

Apple iPad (10.2-inch, Wi-Fi, 32GB), $299 (was $329), amazon.com

Apple iPad Air (10.9-inch, Wi-Fi, 256GB), $699 (was $749), amazon.com

Marvue M10 Tablet, $96 with on-page coupon (was $130), amazon.com

Samsung Galaxy Tab A7, $179 (was $230), amazon.com

Samsung Galaxy Tab S7, $544 (was $650), amazon.com

TCL 10L Unlocked Android Smartphone, $175 (was $250), amazon.com

Samsung Galaxy Tab S6 Lite, $317 (was $350), amazon.com

TCL 10 Pro Unlocked Android Smartphone, $300 with on-page coupon (was $400), amazon.com

E-Tronic Edge Phone Armband Sleeve, $11 with on-page coupon (was $13), amazon.com

Best gaming sales

At nearly 80 percent off, this game is worth buying in multiples and saving as gifts. (Photo: Amazon)

Amazon has chopped an incredible $47 off NBA 2K21 for PS4 — it’s down to just 13 bucks this weekend. The game features all 30 NBA teams and players, including Trae Young, Devon Booker, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Kawhi Leonard, Zion Williamson, Damian Lillard, LeBron James, Anthony Davis, Steph Curry, James Harden and Gordon Hayward.

NBA 2K21 has all the dynamic, vivid gameplay you want, from multi-player online to one-on-one (you versus the game itself). For the first time ever, it features WNBA teams as well, with players like Brittney Griner, Elena Delle Donne, Liz Cambag and Nneka Ogwumike. Right now, the price is more than right…it’s nuts!

“My son loves this game,” shared a delighted parent. “The players are realistic looking and the commentators are hilarious at times. Overall, I think it’s a great game.”

Check out more 4th of July gaming sales below:

BioShock: The Collection, $19 (was $50), amazon.com

NBA 2K21 (Xbox Series X), $20 (was $70), amazon.com

Mafia: Definitive Edition (PS4), $20 (was $40), amazon.com

Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare (PS4), $15 (was $40), amazon.com

Godfall (PS5), $40 (was $70), amazon.com

Luna Gaming Controller, $56 (was $70), amazon.com

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Nintendo Switch), $48 (was $60), amazon.com

Runmus Gaming Headset, $16 (was $43), amazon.com

Madden NFL 21: Next Level Edition (Xbox Series X), $40 (was $70), amazon.com

The Falconeer: Day One Edition (Xbox Series X), $23 (was $40), amazon.com

Outriders Day One Edition (PS5), $45 (was $60), amazon.com

Immortals Fenyx Rising (PS5), $25 (was $60), amazon.com

Best smart-home sales

Open your front door using nothing but your fingerprint. (Photo: Amazon)

On sale for $150 with on-page coupon (was $200), the eufy by Anker Security Smart Touch Keyless Entry Door Lock recognizes your fingerprint in less than a second, so you never again have to rummage through your bag or pockets for your keys. You don’t even have to remember a passcode. Your fingerprint does the trick. The brand takes your security seriously: it lets you store your fingerprint locally instead of on the cloud, so your identity stays safe and private.

“The more Eufy products I buy, the more impressed I am with the quality,” says one of many five-star shoppers. “…After installing the lock and setting it up, which has to be one of the easiest setups around, I saved the fingerprints for all the members of my family. The fingerprint reader worked flawlessly every time.”

Check out more 4th of July smart-home sales below:

Kamep Wireless Wi-Fi Video Doorbell Camera, $65 (was $130), amazon.com

TP-Link N300 WiFi Extender (TL-WA855RE), $17 (was $30), amazon.com

Moen 7594BL Arbor One-Handle Pulldown Kitchen Faucet, $289 (was $500), amazon.com

Govee Smart Light Bulbs, $11 with on-page coupon (was $22), amazon.com

Govee 65.6ft Alexa LED Strip Lights, $40 with on-page coupon (was $60), amazon.com

Govee 33ft LED Strip Lights, $18 (was $23), amazon.com

Honeywell Home RCHT8610WF2006/W, T5 Smart Thermostat, $107 (was $151), amazon.com

TanTan Smart Table Lamp, $24 with on-page coupon (was $33), amazon.com

Kasa Smart Plug HS103P4 (four-pack), $25 (was $30), amazon.com

Kasa Smart Light Switch HS200P3 (three-pack), $35 (was $45), amazon.com

Best vacuum sales

Grab this brilliant robovac for nearly 40 percent off — and never vacuum again. (Photo: Amazon)

For 4th of July weekend, the eufy BoostIQ RoboVac 11S (Slim) is on sale for just $140 (was $230). Its slim, 2.85-inch tall body glides under furniture seamlessly for a thorough vacuum each time. It’s versatile too: It can transition from hardwood floors to carpet to tile with ease.

The BoostIQ feature makes it “smart” in more ways than one, helping it to automatically increase suction power as needed, and its high-capacity battery delivers up to 100 minutes of run time on a single charge.

“I wasn’t quite sure what to expect … But this is great! I went from having piles of pet hair on the floor to none at all,” wrote a five-star fan. “It is mind-blowing how eufy finds all of this pet hair and dust. My allergies have been reduced by 90 percent. It has truly changed my life and I didn’t need to spend $800-plus.”

Check out more 4th of July vacuum sales below:

Lefant M210 Robot Vacuum Cleaner, $195 (was $400), amazon.com

OKP Life K2 Robot Vacuum Cleaner, $124 (was $300), amazon.com

roborock E4 Robot Vacuum Cleaner, $210 (was $300), amazon.com

Kenmore 31510 Robot Vacuum Cleaner, $150 with on-page coupon (was $259), amazon.com

Goovi Robot Vacuum, $148 (was $210), amazon.com

eufy by Anker, RoboVac L70 Hybrid, $320 (was $550), amazon.com

Hoover SmartWash Automatic Carpet Cleaner Machine, $249 (was $300), amazon.com

ThisWorx Handheld Car Vacuum Cleaner, $32 with on-page coupon (was $37), amazon.com

Yeedi K650 Robot Vacuum, $160 with on-page coupon (was $180), amazon.com

Best home office sales

Three cheers for the red, white and blue (and orange and pink and every other bold hue). This MacBook Air is $100 off. (Photo: Amazon)

What’s so great about the MacBook Air? Glad you asked! A speedy Apple octa-core M1 processor, 8GB of memory, 256GB of on-board storage and the latest version of macOS Big Sur, that’s what. The Apple MacBook Air — on sale for $899 (was $999) — is a sleek and slim speed demon. It’s also super-lightweight at just under three pounds. Pretty too: You can score one of these in Gold, Silver and Apple’s signature Space Gray.

“…I needed an upgrade from my heavy MacBook Pro… I needed something super light and thin — I can just bring [it] everywhere and slide it in my bag,” shared a satisfied Amazon shopper. “I am obsessed with how fast this MacBook Air is. The battery life is on point. I used it for movies and series at work and it lasted for three days. The processor is so good. I open so many tabs at once and it has not lagged on me.” 

Check out more 4th of July home office sales below:

Cloud Massage Shiatsu Foot Massager Machine, $240 (was $340), amazon.com

Renpho Neck Shoulder Massager, $30 with on-page coupon (was $50), amazon.com

Vybe Percussion Massage Gun, $150 with on-page coupon (was $200), amazon.com

DamKee Massage Gun, $69 with on-page coupon for Prime members only (was $110), amazon.com

Apple MacBook Pro (M1), $1,199 (was $1,299), amazon.com

Acer Chromebook Spin 311, $261 (was $499), amazon.com

FelixKing Ergonomic Desk Chair, $125 with on-page coupon (was $160), amazon.com

Truweo Posture Corrector, $12 (was $30), amazon.com

Saiji Laptop Bed Tray Desk, $28 with on-page coupon (was $100), amazon.com

Canon Office and Business MB5120 All-in-One Printer, $250 (was $300), amazon.com

Best kitchen sales

Refresh your kitchen with this luxe Cuisinart set — and save $415. (Photo: Amazon)

Whether you’re looking to upgrade your existing cookware set, replace old gear and start fresh, or give an incredible gift, this Cuisinart set is perfect. It has everything you need for easy and creative dinner prep: Two sauce pans, two skillets, a stockpot, a sauté pan, and a steamer. Also stunning: The $415 savings (with on-page coupon). This set is stainless steel and oven-safe up to 550 degrees.

“I absolutely LOVE these pots and pans!” a shopper shared. “They are beautiful in appearance, have some weight to them but not too much, and are made extremely well. The handles to the pans are so comfortable, unlike many pans I’ve used before.”

Check out more 4th of July kitchen sales below:

Elite Gourmet EGC-007 Easy Electric Poacher, $16 (was $30), amazon.com

Cuisinart HM-90S Power Advantage Plus 9-Speed Handheld Mixer, $72 (was $145), amazon.com

Philips Kitchen Appliances Digital Twin TurboStar Airfryer XXL, $300 (was $400), amazon.com

Bayco 9 Pack Glass Meal Prep Containers, $40 (was $50), amazon.com

Gotham Steel Smokeless Grill Indoor Grill, $38 (was $50), amazon.com

Ninja Personal Blender, $49 (was $70), amazon.com

Ozeri ZK14-S Pronto Digital Multifunction Kitchen and Food Scale, $10 (was $15), amazon.com

Mueller Austria Ultra-Stick 500 Watt 9-Speed Immersion Multi-Purpose Hand Blender, $30 (was $45), amazon.com

Bonsenkitchen Handheld Milk Frother, $10 (was $18), amazon.com

Best beauty sales

Your delicate under-eye skin will thank you. (Photo: Amazon)

If the past year hasn’t been kind to your eyes, now you can turn back the clock. This under-eye cream tackles signs of aging and exhaustion (puffiness, wrinkles, dullness — you know the story) and the formula is free of parabens, mineral oil, and fragrances. It’s also allergy-tested and super gentle.

“OMG, this really is amazing!” says a thrilled reviewer. “I have used many eye creams over the last 40 years, and this one works within a few days, and really helps eliminate crows feet around the eye area. I honestly think that it has taken at least five years off my face!…”

Check out more 4th of July beauty sales below:

AuraGlow Teeth Whitening Kit, $38.50 with on-page coupon (was $60), amazon.com

LilyAna Naturals Retinol Cream for Face, $25 with on-page coupon (was $30), amazon.com

CeraVe AM Facial Moisturizing Lotion SPF 30, $11 (was $19), amazon.com

Biolage Hydrasource Shampoo, $25 (was $32), amazon.com

Naturewell Retinol Advanced Moisturizing Cream for Face and Body, $17 (was $23), amazon.com

Anti Aging Serum 3-Pack for Face, $20 (was $25), amazon.com

Belei by Amazon: Vitamin C + Hyaluronic Acid Serum, $14 (was $19), amazon.com

Best style sales

Leggings with a pocket for your cards, keys and phone — genius. (Photo: Amazon)

We can’t overstate the importance of a great pair of leggings: They’re perfect for so many occasions and can take you from couch to gym to real world effortlessly. But the super-popular Ewedoos leggings are a cut above. They have a flattering high waist, an oversized pocket (!), and a leg-lengthening ankle crop. 

“These leggings are amazing!” a shopper declared. “They are so comfy and soft…. They are also squat proof! They don’t roll at the waistband AT ALL. Stop second guessing and get these!!”

Check out more 4th of July style sales below:

Leggings Depot Leggings, $10 (was $30), amazon.com

Cthh leggings, $16 (was $30), amazon.com

Prettygarden Ladies Basic Crewneck Belted Office Dress, $30 (was $37), amazon.com

a.Jesdani Women’s Button Down, $35 (was $50), amazon.com

Korsis Women’s Summer Casual T Shirt Dress, $32 (was $47), amazon.com

Ewedoos Women’s Yoga Pants, $17 (was $27), amazon.com

Milumia Women’s Boho Button Up Split Floral Print Flowy Party Dress, $32 (was $44), amazon.com

Best health and wellness sales

A six-pack of the good stuff, on sale for only $26. (Photo: Amazon)

If the past year taught us anything, it’s that we can never have too much Purell. The brand’s iconic formula is a must for any household, whether for cleaning hands or wiping down surfaces. This spray — sold as a six pack of large (32 ounce) bottles, kills 99.9 percent of viruses and bacteria, including cold and flu, strep, norovirus, Listeria, MRSA, VRE, and human coronavirus.

“This is a wonderful cleaning product,” shared a shopper. “…Kills smells like a champ…”

Check out more 4th of July health and wellness sales below:

Wecolor 100 Pcs Disposable 3 Ply Earloop Face Masks, $8 (was $13), amazon.com

Purell TFX Touch-Free Foam Hand Sanitizer Dispenser, $33 (was $109), amazon.com

Microban Professional Sanitizing Spray, $34 (was $38), amazon.com

Purell Advanced Hand Sanitizer Refreshing Gel, $32 (was $37), amazon.com

Lysol Disinfecting Spray, Crisp Linen, $11 (was $16), amazon.com

Lysol, Disinfectant Spray, $7 (was $11), amazon.com

Best mattress and bedding sales

Supportive and soothing, like a good bedmate should be. (Photo: Amazon)

Soft to the touch but firm for the neck, these pillows are made from a plush poly-soybean fiber blend. They’re totally vegan, great for side-sleepers, back-sleepers and stomach-sleepers, and sold as a pair for just $33 ((normally $58)! More than 3,700 five-star reviewers can’t be wrong.

“These pillows are wonderful!” one shopper shared. “I had neck pain every morning from sleeping on pillows with no support. With these, I don’t have to constantly readjust myself to find a comfortable position. They are soft yet firm and provide excellent support.”

Check out more 4th of July bedding sales below:

Smart Queen Cooling Weighted Blanket, $28 (was $60), amazon.com

Queen Mattress Pad Cover Cooling Mattress Topper, $40 (was $60), amazon.com

Utopia Bedding Premium Cotton Blanket, $24 (was $38), amazon.com

LuxClub 6 PC Sheet Set Bamboo Sheets, $35 for queen (was $57), amazon.com

Casper Sleep Pillow for Sleeping, $55 (was $65), amazon.com

Utopia Bedding Gusseted Pillow, $24 (was $31), amazon.com

Utopia Bedding Down Alternative Comforter, $35 (was $57), amazon.com

Best pet sales

Treat your g’boy to a special down-home delight. (Photo: Amazon)

If you’re a pet parent, you know how important it is to ensure that your pups are eating right. While most puppy snacks are loaded with preservatives, dyes and all sorts of nasties, these bites from Amazon in-house brand Wag are made (in the USA) with chicken as the very first ingredient. For the 4th of July, they’re down to $8 from $14, with the on-page coupon.

“My dog is in love with these,” a shopper declared. “Normally she shares her treats when her dog friends come over but not these. If I give them to her friends, she takes them away from them and gobbles them up!”

Check out more 4th of July pet sales below:

Petstages Cat Tracks Cat Toy, $9 (was $25), amazon.com

Rachael Ray Nutrish Dog Treats, $6 (was $14), amazon.com

Nina Ottosson by Outward Hound Dog Brick Interactive Treat Puzzle Dog Toy, $14 (was $25), amazon.com

Outward Hound Hide-A-Squirrel Squeaky Puzzle Plush Dog Toy, $20 (was $30), amazon.com

Milk-Bone MaroSnacks Dog Treats, $7 (was $12), amazon.com

Potaroma 3 Silvervine Catnip Balls, $11 (was $15), amazon.com

The reviews quoted above reflect the most recent versions at the time of publication.

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[junker-town]

The funniest video game I have ever played

In 2014, Jon purchased a video game and played it for 26 brutal, terrifying minutes. They have stuck with him ever since.

In August of 2014, I downloaded a computer game called Rust and played it for 26 minutes. That would be the first and only time I ever played it. It is the funniest video game I have ever played in my life.

I’m happy they tracked this. Steam is sort of the traveling bard of my gaming career, faithfully wandering from computer to computer since 2004. It lived within them all, including the desktop PC so hideous that multiple burglars, in the process of lifting whatever they could grab from my apartment, clearly took one glance and correctly identified it as trash. The tower was permanently missing its cover, because every time I had to restart the machine, I first had to dig into the motherboard to remove the little plastic CMOS jumper for a moment and stick it back in. This sounds like a lie but isn’t: upon pulling out the jumper, I had to wait and listen for the motherboard to make a little squeak before replacing it. Otherwise, the computer wouldn’t start. Steam was there for that, and Steam is there today on my work computer, patiently enduring uninstallations and reinstallations whenever I frantically clear hard drive space to make space for an exporting video project.

It’s logged the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I’ve buried into games like Civilization and RimWorld. But most importantly, it noted the 26 minutes I spent in the world of Rust.

This isn’t a review of Rust. I have no idea whether this game is good or bad. I wholeheartedly agree with every opinion of it that anyone has ever had, even if those opinions directly conflict with one another. Continuing.

Conceptually, the game certainly seemed fun enough to try. It’s a first-person, open-world, massively-multiplayer survival game that drops you in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a rock and a torch. From there, to hear others tell it, you can build structures, craft advanced tools, form alliances, and generally make something of yourself. I wouldn’t know.

My experience with this game was a special one, because at the time, Rust was branded as “early access” or something similar. The developers clearly spelled out on their Steam page that, look, this was not yet a finished product. Bugs may happen, gameplay imbalances will abound, and you should know what you’re in for.

I paid $20, and in the subsequent 26 minutes, I played three times. I will recollect them here to the best of my ability. It’s been six years, so if you’re familiar with this game and something strikes you as inaccurate or impossible, my mistake.

The first time, I find myself in the woods somewhere, apparently naked. I take stock of the only wealth I have to my name: the torch, which seems useless in broad daylight, and a big rock. I have to hold the rock with both hands. I can only hoist it over my head and violently swing it forward.

I wander around in the woods for a couple minutes, completely unsure of what I want to do, or whether there’s any sort of objective I’m expected to complete. This early-access version of Rust offers nothing in the way of explanation or context, which in retrospect I will come to appreciate as a masterstroke.

So I’m just bumbling around in the woods like that, a probably-naked guy marching to nowhere while heaving a giant rock forward over and over, carrying on as God’s own fool. Heave-ho! Having the time of my life!

I am encountered by a wolf, who attacks me. I try to swing my rock in self-defense to no avail and I am brutally mauled. Since the game is in first person, I can’t know that I’m torn limb from limb, but I remember seeing fountains of blood and it certainly feels that way. I am dead.

The second time, I’m dropped into more or less the same situation. This time I run around brandishing the rock, but not swinging it, instead dutifully holding it aloft like I’m trying to show it the world. I’ve resolved that this time will be different. I am now aware of the dangers of this realm.

This rock is surely more than a weapon. It’s a tool. I can probably use it to chop down a tree, or at least break down a fallen log or something. To what end, I’m not sure. But I might die soon, and I’d love to leave something more for this world to remember me by than my sun-bleached bones.

I can’t remember whether I actually chop down a tree. At any rate, I am very quickly visited by another wolf.

This time, I try to run away, still ineffectually swinging my rock forward as I do. I don’t know why I do that.

There’s a wordless, deranged comedy to video games. They produce sights that are so clumsy, thoughtless, and bizarre that no one alive could ever tell a joke so funny, like this one: a terrified man deliriously flinging a rock over his head, dick whipping sideways like the Wheel of Fortune needle as he gallops away from certain doom. I’m afraid I’m unable to sufficiently describe how funny this is. I am once again devoured alive.

I’ve probably played for 18 to 20 minutes by this point. I’m not so sure I want to play this anymore. A learning curve is to be expected, but how much more of this will I have to endure before I can count a single accomplishment? So far, I can claim ownership of absolutely none of this experience. The game has been the player. I’m only the food.

I find that buying games I don’t enjoy is just the cost of doing business. If I buy three games, barely play two of them, but have a great time with the third, all three were worth it. This was a worthwhile experiment. I should count the $20 I spent on this game as a sunk cost and move on with my life.

What the hell. One more try.

The third time, I wander around some more, but this time in a straight line. I need to get somewhere. Miraculously, there are no more wolves. I guess I fed them already.

After some marching, I pass through the tree line and enter a clearing. I see a wooden fence, the first evidence of civilization I’ve come across. Beyond it, to my delight, is a log cabin.

Again, this is a massively-multiplayer online game. It’s a shared world. It seems likely that another player actually built this. As I run closer, I notice that it seems pretty well-constructed. Maybe I could build something like this myself! Maybe I could find an ax somewhere, or use this rock to sharpen a tool of my own. Maybe if I get good enough, and put in enough time, I can enjoy the satisfaction of maintaining a little home in this world.

Out back, behind the cabin, there is a man. He’s an old man with a beard, shirtless and sinewy, wearing only a crude loincloth. I know enough to know that this man is not a game-generated AI. He’s a real person somewhere out there.

And for whatever reason, at this moment I find him bashing the shit out of a tree stump with a rock that looks a lot like my rock. Maybe we can be pals and talk about rocks! I wish I could remember whether he’s splitting a piece of wood, or if this is simply his idea of a good time. In either case, he’s just goin’ to town, man, as though he was born to do it.

He doesn’t notice me at first. I decide to come closer. Hell, I don’t know. How do people communicate in this game? Maybe if I walk up to him, a chat box will open and I can actually type something? Or do you make buddies in this game by kinda wordlessly pantomiming that you’re a friend, that you want what’s best for you and for him? Either way, it could be interesting. More importantly, I need a friend. I need a bit of light in this world. It’s been terrible for me.

As I walk closer, he spots me, and I’ll tell you, there’s a lot of “sir, you’re not supposed to be here” body language you can communicate by simply moving forward a few steps and menacing someone with a large stone. He swings it forward, as crudely and robotically as I do when I swing my rock. I am not welcome here.

I glance at him, then the log cabin, then back at him, and I believe I have identified a crime. One would expect that a cabin built with such skill and care was the work of a true craftsman. A veteran player of this game, a player who knew how to fashion some sort of axe, chop some trees, and cut them just so. Perhaps this game doesn’t work like that, and you can simply manifest a nice little log cabin once you reach Level 19 or something. At any rate, he’s a shirtless, stupid, rock-hucking dirtbag just like me. I definitely could not have built this house.

This is not his house.

Someone else built this house and died at his hand. This man is a fraud and a murderer. But where else am I supposed to go? Back in the woods to be eaten again? At least this is a human being at the end of the line. His name is Josh, I bet. He’s in Wisconsin and he’s wearing a polo shirt and this prehistoric thug isn’t who he truly is. He’ll be receptive if I can just communicate to him that I’m approaching in peace.

I step forward again, his warning expires, and he charges me. My last remaining idea is to hold still and keep my rock still. If I don’t attack or resist, he’ll have to kill me in cold blood.

Polo Josh bludgeons me, over and over, as I imagine Cain slew Abel. He kills me seven or eight times’ worth. I exit the game and never return.

This game set forth no objectives for me. It wanted only to eat me. It asked of me what I ask of my breakfast. In this sense, it wasn’t much of a game at all. And even when I met another human being, that person was every bit as brutal.

I paid 20 dollars for the most bewildering 26 minutes a video game has ever given me, and I wouldn’t ask for a minute more or a penny back. It was perfect. I will never play it again.

[m39]

History of the Creed - Part 2: Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood; the game that is a mission packed sequel and is somehow better than its predecessor… at least that’s how I think… and many other people.

ASSASSIN’S CREED: BROTHERHOOD (The original PC release in Europe: March 18, 2011)

PLOT

We begin our story where the last game ended up. Ezio just beat up the Pope and received a message that doesn’t understand because it’s for Desmond. So he comes back to Mushroom Ki- I mean his villa to finally take a rest from the Templars. Shame it was a bad idea, since Rodrigo’s son, manchild that he is, decided to wreck our shit with his papal army and, to add more salt to injury, kill uncle Mario. I HAVE WASTED DOZENS OF HOURS AND TENS OF THOUSANDS OF FLORINS TO MAKE THIS TOWN NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT! CESARE!! YOU SPANISH FU-

Technical difficulties

What we basically have is a repeat of the previous game: Family member of Borgias ends up ruining Ezio’s life in some way and killing his family member(s) so it’s time to whoop some ass in the old fashioned revenge. I mean it’s not bad but it’s kinda weak to have a story that its foundations are basically the same as the AC2.

Good thing that the characters save the story. Ezio is still awesome as he was in the previous game. Almost all of the secondary protagonists are from AC2 and their characterization is extended in some way (I might also want to add up that even Rodrigo somewhat changed after our last meeting). The new characters (both protagonists and antagonists [asides from Cesare]) are on the same level as the secondary characters in the previous game: nothing great, nothing terrible, just fine. Main villain on the other hand… is basically a large ham. And I fucking love it. It’s the kind of ham that is enjoyable to watch. And the main reason why Cesare is so hilariously enjoyable to watch is his voice actor. Andreas Apergis fucking nails it! He already showed some talent in Assassin’s Creed 2 as Francesco de’ Pazzi and Checco Orsi but this game is when he showed of his talent. The fact that he ended up as a main villain in modern times and as your closest companion in the newest game proves this.

GAMEPLAY

So this game is basically the same as Assassin’s Creed 2 but with few changes. While the parkour is still the same as it was before, the combat got some new stuff. For instance there are kill streaks now. How does it work? After killing an enemy you can aim at the next target and attack them, or in other words, kill them in one shot kill. Also there is a kick. You can kick the enemy in the nuts to make them vulnerable for your attacks.

You thought combat was too easy in the previous game? Well, with this two new addons the enemies are now a complete joke. Even the toughest bastards asides from Borgia captains and bosses will die like a little bitch once you smash their balls off and/or kill streak them.

Speaking off enemies, there are two new types of them. There are Papal Guards who are the amalgamation of all previous enemies. In theory, they are very tough. In practice, kick ‘em in the nuts and they are done. There are also previously mentioned Borgia Captains who will either run away on your sight or fight you, which, in latter’s case, are immune to counters and kill streaks.

…

Oh yeah, you can also hold attack button to do a special attack based on what you have in your hand. That (mostly) useless shit exists.

There is also some upgrades to your arsenal. You can fire your hidden gun much faster. You can fire poison through the shootable darts (when you buy it out from Leonardo). You can use heavy weapons like the ones used by brutes (when you buy heavy sheath). And of course, the god’s gift: The crossbow.

heavenly noises

Imagine your hidden pistol being silent and have up to over twice the ammo. That’s crossbow in the nutshell. Overpowered? Yes, but still satisfying to use. It may cost a fuck ton of florins but it’s worth a price.

Also, you have your assassin apprentices that you can summon to help you kill selected target or kill a group of soldiers with arrows when you have three, filled bars.

Are you sick of walking around the whole 16th century Rome? Well, now you can use tunnels to get faster (providing you renovated them).

There are new mechanics for horses like shooting/assassinating from a horse and stealing a horse GTA style. Oh, and you can also whistle to summon it; I forgot about that.

…

Huh… I believe I said probably everything about new gameplay mechanics.

OH WAIT! That’s right! The beggars are back! Along with bards!! AND THEY MULTIPLIED!!! Thank god for the ability to throw your money to distract them for a while.

Liquid Bogan: M̶u̵l̵t̴i̶p̵l̵a̷y̶e̵r̵.̴

What?

Liquid Bogan: T̵h̵e̵r̷e̸ ̵i̸s̷ ̶a̶l̴s̷o̶ ̶m̵u̸l̸t̸i̴p̸l̵a̵y̶e̶r̴.̷ ̶Y̶o̴u̴ ̴f̷o̸r̶g̵o̵t̴ ̷a̷b̴o̵u̵t̸ ̸i̸t̷,̶ ̷y̵i̸s̵?̵

…

What?

ACTIVITIES

Well it wouldn’t be an Ubisoft game without a fuck ton of side stuff to do, so I’ll try to focus on new things.

While renovations are back, you won’t be able to renovate the building unless you kill the Borgia captain in the region and then burn previously protected Borgia tower. There are also banks spread around Rome so you don’t have to go to one place to withdraw your money like in the previous game.

I mentioned earlier about the apprentices. You can recruit them by helping civilians when they are in danger just like AC1. In return they will join the brotherhood and you can then send them to different cities to level them up to level 10.

Now you can do challenges for mercenaries, courtesans, thieves and assassins. By doing them you can unlock stuff like (respectively) 50% discount for hiring guild members, 2 new abilities per guild and (and this is the only bonus from assassins) a new, powerful weapon. Personally they are fine but some of them are really annoying and tedious (10 times five people kill streak anyone?!).

Beside challenges, there are side missions, like, a fuck ton of them. We have assignments from thieves and courtesans and assassination contracts that unlock as you go further through the main plot. We have Leonardo’s war machines to destroy, which after doing all of them you will be rewarded with parachutes. We have missions focusing on Templar agents AKA characters from multiplayer. We have Christina missions that unlock every 15% of synchronization up to 75%. There are also 2 DLC packs that are free for PC users: The Da Vinci Disappearance and (since 2017 to my surprise) Copernicus Conspiracy.

Did you liked collecting the flags from AC1? Well guess what? They are back. And this time you can buy expensive as fuck maps after collecting 25 of them.

And now… we came to the big one: Full Synchronization. Basically, most of the memories (either main ones or secondary ones) has additional, secondary objective like not doing this thing, killing someone with specific weapon, don’t kill anyone etc. Personally, I have a mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it’s cool to give the game some additional challenge. On the other hand, it feels like it restricts the players (and to be more precise, completionists) from playing how they want. Not to mention, some of these objective are very annoying/hard to get (anybody wants some no detection task?!). Don’t like them? Tough shit! We will have to withstand it for… let me see- 7 GAMES AT LEAST!

Also there are 5 hidden artifacts on modern times. Might want to point it out.

But overall, most of these activities were enjoyable to do. Then again, I think I’m some kind of masochist that enjoys doing that. At least I can say that most of them are worth the award.

THE GRAHPICS AND SOUND

The graphics might be where this game has the biggest advantage over AC2. While the buildings and the rest of environment feels like it’s on the same level as the last game, the character models doesn’t give you a feeling of being outdated anymore (at least in 50-70%): textures look sharper, facial animation looks less wonky/over the top, it all looks really nice… except there is one noticeable problem with some of the animations. Whenever you kill someone with your hidden blade, their forearms doesn’t animate, so it feels like you stabbed a dummy with the inflatable arms. Did some of the animators forgot to add the animation?

The sound effects keep the same level as the previous game AKA very good and the soundtrack is still top-notch. Jesper Kyd once again made a damn good job on the latter’s department. When you compare both soundtracks from AC2 and ACB you’ll notice that the latter one (most of the time) has more aggressive/unpleasant experience, which makes sense, you are in the lion’s den which is Italian Templars’ main base, that ain’t Florence/Venice, that’s home of our main villain. Here are some of my favorite tracks:

And here is the entire soundtrack for you to hear.

STABILITY

Note: Played on the highest setting minus anti-aliasing.

Good news – there were no crashing bugs, nor game breaking bugs.

Bad news – there were more framerate drops this time (especially when it was raining).

So still, the PC version is nicely optimized with a few hiccups. Something tells me I should say more about it but honestly, there is nothing else to add.

SUMMARY

Same foundations for the plot that makes it somewhat boring? Yes. Too much annoying stuff to do? Kind of. Being nothing more but a reheated, mission-packed sequel? Absolutely. But still, this game is the best out of all of Ezio’s trilogy and I would say that even if the boomer fan pointed a gun on my head. It basically takes AC2 but it adds so much stuff that makes the previous game pale in comparison.

And now, the only way to finish this review… is with this:

Cesare, oh Cesare,

A man of great depravity

Believed himself immortal 'til

He had a date with gravity.

intensive clapping

See you all next time.

Bye!

[magzoso-tech]

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/moto-e6s-review/

Moto E6s Review

Motorola is aiming to grab a slice of the action in the budget segment with its new Moto E6s smartphone. This is pretty much the same phone as the Moto E6 Plus, which we recently saw at the IFA trade show in Berlin. The company has launched it in India under a slightly different name, at a pretty attractive price of Rs. 7,999. For that amount, you get 4GB of RAM, 64GB of storage, and a fingerprint sensor, which not many manufacturers offer. It also has some throwback features such as a removable battery, which we don’t see much these days. Armed with a modern design and decent all-round specifications, should the Moto 6Es be your top budget pick? It’s time to review and find out.

  Moto E6s design

The design of the Moto E6s is pretty simple and basic. The display gets a notch on the top and pretty thick borders all around, especially the chin, which is not unusual to see on budget smartphones. The volume rocker and power button are on the right side. The buttons don’t have a lot of travel but they are easy to press. We like the contrasting texture on the power button, which makes it easy to identify. The cutout for the 3.5mm headphone socket on the top is a little off-centre, but its placement is such that it shouldn’t come in the way when you’re using headphones while holding the phone in landscape mode.

The laminated back and sides might look like two different layers, but they’re parts of one shell that comes off. In India, the Moto E6s is available in Polished Graphite and Rich Cranberry colour options — both of which are huge fingerprint magnets. We saw more colour options with the Moto E6 Plus at IFA, but these haven’t made it to India, at least not yet. Of the two, the red version does a marginally better job of hiding fingerprints due to the dual-tone finish, but it still gets messy very quickly and the smudges don’t wipe off easily.

The Rich Cranberry colour option does a better job at hiding fingerprints

The shell snaps off easily, revealing two SIM slots and a dedicated slot for a microSD card (up to 512GB). One of the SIM slots accepts a Micro-SIM, which just like the removable battery, isn’t something we’ve seen in a while. The fingerprint sensor in the centre works well, and also has a Moto logo printed on it. Unlocking the phone with a fingerprint isn’t extremely quick but we found the success rate to be good. Face recognition works decently well under good light, but struggles a little in low light. Once again, it’s not as quick as what we’ve seen on other budget segment phones, but it does the job.

At the bottom, we have a Micro-USB port and the single loudspeaker. The 6.1-inch IPS display has a HD+ (720×1560 pixels) resolution. The display gets bright enough for outdoor use and colours are punchy. Viewing angles are decent too. The 19.5:9 aspect ratio makes this phone relatively tall but it isn’t very wide, so holding it feels comfortable. The Moto E6s is light at just 150g and is 8.6mm thick.

In the box, you get a USB cable, a 10W charger, some manuals, a case, and a Nano-to-Micro SIM adapter.

Moto E6s specifications and software

The Moto E6s has a modest processor, the Mediatek Helio P22. This is an octa-core chip, and we’ve previously seen it in phones such as the Realme C2 (Review) and the LG W30 (Review). In India, the Moto E6s is only available in one configuration with 4GB of RAM and 64GB of storage.

Other specifications of the Moto E6s include Bluetooth 4.2, single-band Wi-Fi 802.11b/g/n, USB-OTG, FM radio, support for three satellite navigation systems, an accelerometer, an ambient light sensor, and a proximity sensor. Sadly the phone lacks a gyroscope or even a compass, so apps such as Google Maps won’t be able to show you the direction you’re facing.

The Moto E6s runs on a near-stock version of Android 9 Pie

The phone runs a near-stock version of Android 9 Pie, but unlike Motorola’s other offerings such as the One Action (Review), the Moto E6s is not part of the Android One programme. There are barely any extra apps, other than an FM radio app, Moto Help, and Motorola Notifications, which lets you find the nearest Moto Hub store or service centre.

Some of the Google apps are Sheets, Slides, News, and Files, besides the usual ones. Digital Wellbeing is also present, and is always handy to have. You get a few gestures for quickly turning on the camera with a double-tap of the power button. You can also switch the default gesture-based navigation scheme for old-fashioned, on-screen buttons.

Moto E6s performance and battery life

In terms of performance, the Moto E6s does a decent job running apps and doing a bit of multitasking. Navigating Android’s menus is generally quick but it’s not what you’d call fluid. At times, we noticed some momentary lag in the UI animations, but it didn’t hamper the experience too much.

Benchmark numbers aren’t great, which isn’t a surprise given the SoC. In AnTuTu, we got a score of just 79,208 while GFXbench returned 25fps in the T-Rex graphics test. This phone is definitely underpowered, even for this price, considering that there are other options at the same price such as the Realme 3i (Review) which offers a MediaTek Helio P60 SoC.

The 4GB of RAM helps keep a good number of apps in memory, and app loading times are not too bad. Heavier ones, such as games, also run decently well. This phone won’t deliver the best experience with the full version of PUBG Mobile, but PUBG Mobile Lite fared a bit better. There’s a still a little lag when the action gets intense, and aiming down the sights of a gun isn’t always very accurate. Still, we managed to win a few matches despite this. The Moto E6s does get quite hot after about 30 minutes of gameplay. We also noticed about an 11 percent drop in the battery level.

The Moto E6s features a removable battery and a second Micro-SIM — two things we haven’t seen in a while

The phone does a decent job with media files. The speaker doesn’t get too loud, even with the ‘BesLoudness’ sound enhancement option turned on. The display has good viewing angles and colours aren’t exaggerated too much. Ideally, we would have liked an option to boost the colours as animated videos could use a bit more vividness.

The 3000mAh battery isn’t huge but it does last for nearly a full day. In our HD video battery loop test, we managed to get just 12 hours and 22 minutes of runtime. If you’re not actively using the phone too much, then you can push one full charge past a day. Motorola calls the bundled charger a ‘rapid charger’ but we found it to be anything but that. The 10W unit manages to charge the phone to just 15 percent in half an hour and around 30 percent in an hour. Charging it completely takes almost 3 hours and 45 minutes.

Moto E6s cameras

The rear cameras on the Moto E6s are a 13-megapixel main sensor with an f/2.0 aperture, and a 2-megapixel depth sensor. In the front, we have an 8-megapixel selfie camera. The camera app is pretty straightforward. You have all the shooting modes and shutter button on the bottom, and the mode-specific toggle options on the top of the viewfinder. There’s AI scene detection too, which can be toggled on or off. You can also use Google Lens from within the camera app.

Autofocus isn’t very quick, so capturing fast-moving objects is a challenge, even in good light. HDR works well when shooting against the light, but dynamic range is a little limited. Details were decent in close-ups, but objects at a distance often looked a little soft. The camera struggles a bit with exposure, and most of the highlights in our daytime shots looked overexposed. Close-ups fared a bit better under good light.

Landscape daylight shot (tap for full-sized Moto E6s sample)

Close-up daylight sample (tap for full-sized Moto E6s sample)

Shot using Portrait mode on the Moto E6s (tap for full-sized Moto E6s sample)

In Bokeh mode, you get a slider to adjust the level of background blur. Edge detection is a bit of a hit or miss here, even with the dedicated depth sensor for both human subjects and objects. There’s a separate ‘Beauty’ shooting mode for smoothing you subject’s face. Other shooting modes include Video and Panorama.

In low light, the camera struggled to lock focus for a second or two at times, before settling down. The Moto E6s struggled to capture good detail at night, and landscape shots generally looked quite grainy. It did mange to retain good colours though.

Low light landscape shot (tap for full-sized Moto E6s sample)

Low light close-up shot (tap for full-sized Moto E6s sample)

Selfie shot in daylight (tap for full-sized Moto E6s sample)

The front camera captures strictly average-looking selfies in daylight. There is HDR but it’s not always very effective. This phone struggles a bit in getting skin tones and exposures right at times. There’s also a noticeable difference when taking a normal selfie and when using Portrait mode. Selfies taken at night had visible grain and lacked good definition. The screen flash isn’t too effective either.

Video quality is also just average in daylight and there’s no electronic stabilisation at 1080p, which is the highest resolution that this phone will go to. In low light, image quality is soft and details are very weak.

Verdict

The Moto E6s is possibly one of the only phones at this price to offer 4GB of RAM and 64GB of storage, which is a great, but it compromises a bit too much in other areas, which makes it a little difficult to recommend. Plus, the omission of basic things such as a compass is a real letdown. We’ve also recently started seeing phones at this price with much bigger batteries, which makes the one in the Moto E6s feel small. With phones such as the Xiaomi Redmi 8A in the market, which features a Type-C port with fast charging and much bigger battery, the E6s doesn’t feel very competitive. The removable back cover and battery are nice touches but we doubt this is a feature that would influence anyone’s buying decision.

The Moto E6s is light, has a decent display, and offers good amounts of RAM and storage for the price. However, if you’re okay with having less RAM and storage, then there are better options such as the Realme 3i (Review) and Redmi 7 (Review) for around the same price. Plus, with so many online sales happening, you can even find big discounts on better phones that usually sell for around Rs. 10,000.

[taemdeul]

KR:/ EVERYDAY BEHAVIOR

— finances: 

with a successful career comes a healthy paycheck, and with youth comes an interest in fashion and video game consoles and the latest earbud tech. he’s been fortunate, fortunate due to fans who allowed him to live so freely and fortunate to have a family knowledgeable enough in investments. his first real, notable purchases were a luxury home and a foreign car, but rather for himself, they were for his family. while having few worries when spending money on more expensive things, there’s a sense of responsibility that comes with taking care of his parents and planning for the future. so, sure— he might freely purchase a pair of gucci shoes, but he’s learned to be careful with bigger investments as well.

— personal habits: 

he’s been lucky to avoid addictions to things like nicotine and gambling (though, secretly, he’s had his share of trying both of those things), and he doesn’t spend all day playing video games, but there is one habit that he just can’t seem to break: coffee. or, more specifically? iced americano. it probably comes from working long hours, attending draining schedules, but he almost always drinks at least three cups a day. it’s almost a necessity and due to his high tolerance of caffeine, he tends to get moody if he hasn’t had any.

— morning routine: 

his morning routine varies, depending on whether he has early schedules or if he has the whole day off. on the days that he has somewhere to be, it’s usually the voice of his manager that wakes him and coaxes— demands? that he get out of bed. he showers first, washes up and goes through a skincare routine; he gets dressed, lets the coordi team make him look presentable if he has to make a public appearance... he always has a coffee, usually delivered, and tends to eat quickly or on the way. on his days off, though? well, he might not even have a morning. he tends to sleep late, until well into the afternoon, and goes lazily through the day. he might shower if he feels like it, or he might stay in his pajamas for the entirety of the day.  

— afternoon/workday: 

again, this varies depending on schedules. on a day without promotional schedules, he’s hitting the practice room by lunch time and staying for at least six hours— usually eight, sometimes up to ten. there’s usually a handful of breaks for snacks and water, but he likes to work and even when he’s supposed to be resting, he usually finds a way to sneak in some practice. he arrives first, and is the last to leave. the days that he’s promoting are unpredictable, but tend to start early and end late with few moments of rest in between. on the few days that he takes completely to himself, he’ll stay at home and watch movies, or shows, or maybe take his friends up on a offer to hang out.

— dinner: 

he can’t cook. at all. because of this, he almost always eats out or orders in for his meals. if he has to, there’s usually some ramen or a few simple groceries in his fridge that he can throw together that are edible (barely), but he has no interest in cooking and sees no reward in the effort. it’s easier to just hit “deliver” on his phone screen.

— evening:

being the introverted type, if it’s been a long day with lots of conversation and interaction, his evenings are spent at home, by himself— to the point where he even turns down plans with his closest friends. if it’s been an easy day, though, he’ll usually agree to these plans and will meet up with his friends at the river or for a meal. there’s times where he invites his friends over, but they’re each busy in their own way and it’s less common these days.

— bedtime: 

he’s a late riser when left on his own terms, which means he’s usually late to sleep too. he’s a night owl, so to speak, and he likes to sleep in the comfort of darkness and silence. a bit of a light sleeper, he prefers to sleep alone but can adjust if it’s someone he’s used to being around. he isn’t much of a dreamer, either, and when he does have them, they’re typically stress related and all too vivid nightmares about things currently going on in his life. having a comfortable and familiar space is important to him when he sleeps.

— skills/talents:

naturally and related to his job, he’s skilled in dancing and has been since taking an interest in it as a kid. it’s because of his interest that he’s been able to hone it into something admirable, and the same can be said for his vocal skills, which he worked hard to improve. outside of his work, though, he’s become skilled in things like piano, songwriting, swimming, and in games such as billiards.

— hobbies:

these days, his interests are mainly in scuba diving and in spending time watching western dramas. he’s always had an inclination towards extreme sports, and enjoys things like skydiving, paragliding, and skiing. when he has less time, he watches youtube videos— gameplays, true crime, ghost mysteries— to pass the time, and also enjoys collecting things like manga and anime sets. he has a whole bookshelf at home dedicated to it. with friends, he enjoys billiards and mobile games. he enjoys video games, too, but doesn’t have enough time to play them.

[ilvatu]

Blizzard is dead.

Hopefully this will be my first and last Blizzard post. At least until they release and/or publish another dumpster fire of a game, gift wrapped and adored by their fanboys. 

Blizzard is the undisputed king of MMOs. Or at least their Daddy. Not grandfather, Daddy. The aged, drunk, smoked 2 packs a day step father that beats their children daddy of a company. A company that is the smoking shadow of its former self. 

Blizzard hasn’t made a good game since Starcraft 2. There. I said it.  And even then it only really enjoyed as much success as it did because it was Starcraft and published by Blizzard. I really only enjoyed it because I was trying to relive the days of yore. Maybe it wasn’t good either. 

Blizzard has survived because of their brand alone. Their fans believe the publisher is incapable of releasing a bad game. The problem is that Blizzard is still able to sell them bad games because it seems to me like their fans haven’t played much else. They are still clinging to titles like Final Fantasy 14, which is just a WoW clone. While they wait for the next big Blizzard MMO or WoW expansion to come out. They keep playing dead genres and IPs because it’s what is familiar. What they fell in love with but are too stuck up to divorce. 

What about Diablo 3? I hated it. Maybe it’s because I never played Diablo 2. But this game has very little content, like. I played through the story. Then I played through it again. Upgraded some gear here and there. Kill some monsters. Play through the story again. Keep grinding. It just seems like a grindfest loot festival of a shitshow. I don’t get it and I probably never will. If you enjoy this game I hope you never complain about any game being either too grindy or not having enough content. I hated D3 and I will never understand the people who don’t. 

Overwatch? It’s TF2 if it were published in 2016 using assets from the failed creation of a new IP “Titan.” The gameplay was stripped straight away from TF2 and in traditional Blizzard fashion the game has no semblance of balance. Anything that seems too fun gets the axe. I put an embarrassing number of hours into Overwatch, mostly because my friends were playing it, and at this point I don’t see a reason to put any more. It’s stale, boring, and barely still under post-release development.  

Blizzard decided that they would also include lootboxes, another idea they stole from Valve. This time, a big middle finger to their fans. While the rewards are purely cosmetic, it doesn’t stop the fanboys from spending hundreds of dollars on events. Reinforcing the idea that giving your fans a way to give you money is good. Loot boxes are a cheap cash grab from a company that already wipes it’s ass with $100 bills. 

$100 bills earned from WoW. WoW was a good game for 2004. It is not a good game for 2017. We expect more than a level cap increase, a few zones we’ll never visit again after we finish leveling, and a grind fest of a dungeon queue and a raid dungeon. The last three expansions have been so lackluster that the only reason it makes sense to me that Blizzard is still supporting the game at this point is because it just makes economic sense to do so. WoW may have been a great game in it’s past, but for 2017 it isn’t graphically good enough, nor is the gameplay they’ve padded around their dungeons and boss fights enough to keep an adult interested. 

Maybe after playing Eve for several years after WoW I was disillusioned. An MMO with a design philosophy so inherently different from WoW I am surprised people consider them the same genre. I am not saying Eve is good and WoW is not, especially in 2017. But Eve was such a different design that to me that I can’t really go back to another WoW-esque MMO. I can’t really go back to Eve either, but I now expect something else from my games. Maybe it’s why I am so obsessed with the development of Star Citizen. I digress. 

Heroes of the Storm was DOA as far as I’m concerned. It was a MOBA aimed at a casual audience after MOBAs were going out of style. And the games still take 20-30 minutes to complete. Mechanically the game was interesting on it’s own, but it was just a game you played a few times, shrugged, and moved on with. They keep forcing promotions with their other games to keep people coming back, and even had to give away 50 heroes just for logging in just to keep their shit MOBA with enough players. Too little, too late here Blizzard. 

Hearthstone? It’s just watered down Magic: The Gathering. Was it for people who don’t understand the concept of the stack? Maybe I didn’t play it long enough to “get it” like with Diablo. I didn’t feel like there was too much strategy to it. I can’t declare blockers. I can’t play spells on my opponent’s turn. Half the people you play are AFK or just taking the full amount of time to piss you off. “Well Played” Blizzard. I can’t say enough bad things about Hearthstone. 

Blizzard keeps trying to shove the competitive gaming down our throats for all their games. I don’t give a shit about what “professional” Overwatch team comps are. No, I don’t care what the top guild in WoW does in this fight. No, I don’t care about the new season of Diablo 3. No, I don’t want to watch Korean Starcraft. Are there competitive HOTS players? Probably, I wouldn’t doubt it. I am of the opinion not every game needs a competitive or professional scene. Blizzard creates casual games and then tries to develop a competitive scene around it. It’s the most backwards of logic.Or creates their patented bronze -> silver -> gold -> platinum -> diamond -> master rankings, and then wonders why their game has such a toxic atmosphere to new or casual players. 

I won’t talk about MMR here, this blog is too fresh at this point to get that dirty. 

In the past few years Blizzard has pulled every cheap trick to retain players and strip them of their cash. Lootboxes, Seasons in D3. HOTS gave away 50 free heroes for logging in their dead, shit MOBA. Gametime for gold in WoW. Then you can use the WoW gold money to buy the other games of theirs you don’t give a shit about. 

I half expect to find a Blizzard game at the arcade. Begging me to put a quarter in every time I die in Overwatch. Giving us minerals in Starcraft in exchange for dollars. To find Jeff Kaplan at the local strip joint busting open lootboxes for singles. Showering his fans in glitter and cheap skins. At this point their games feel and look so cheap, and have had every marketing gimmick pulled.Every time someone plays it’s like they keep trying to capitalize on that hype by offering to let you buy cosmetics.  I can’t help but think that they are just searching for a way to nickel and dime us but can’t figure out how do do that in a free-to-play model that includes a grindfest, gear progression, and premium skins. The Blizzard wet-dream. 

Overwatch, at least, demonstrates that there still may be some hope for Blizzard in the future. It was their first FPS and a new IP. I think this shows that they may  try to create something new and different in the future. Or at least that they might have the courage to. I hope it shows more promise and originality than Overwatch did. But then again Overwatch was a failed game called “Titan.” I have no idea what they thought it would be, but I would guess that it was extremely bad, even by Blizzard’s standards, so they decided to take their assets, cut their losses and create Overwatch.  

Was Overwatch a success? Yes. Was it good? I don’t think so. It expanded on TF2′s class based system slightly, but also incorporated nothing new about TF2′s gameplay. I mean, half the characters were cheap ripoffs of TF2 classes. It isn’t hard to see a similarity between Demo and Junkrat. Sniper and Widow. Mercy and the Medic. Pyro and ... you get the idea. Throw in some originals as well and there’s enough that it isn’t a total clone. The ultimates varied wildly from gamebreaking to minor annoyance. And don’t give me that “situationally good” argument, but that’s a topic for an entire separate post. 

Furthermore, Overwatch has had very little implemented into it since launch. Seriously, 3 new playable characters since launch? A map or two? Nobody really gave a shit about your co-op events, Mei’s snowball adventure, or Capture the Flag. They still haven’t admitted that CTF is a valid game mode. I guess they just can’t figure out how to balance the game around it because they would have to actually fix some of their horseshit characters or disable half of them just to make it fun. 

And with the release of Starcraft Remastered we have completely regressed any of the progress made with Overwatch. I mean, you re-skinned your most popular game ever released. Did you get tired of seeing decades old assets on GOM TV? Did you think it would get people to use the Blizzard launcher or try HOTS? I don’t know why they did this, honestly. Unless there is a UMS that is literally sex I won’t even bother. It’s Starcraft. The same shit you played when you were home from school sick in the 2000′s. 

And I guess this brings us to Destiny. Why am I talking about Destiny? Because Blizzard is the publisher. Does that mean it’s a Blizzard game? Kinda. It is going to be on b.net. I never played the first Destiny, and I won’t play this one either. It does give us a clue where Blizzard is on the spectrum though. Destiny may be a proof-of-concept to other outside developers that want to publish their game, don’t have the infrastructure to do so and don’t want to deal with Valve (Steam), EA (Origin) or GoG. It could also be that Activision is evaluating their options with Blizzard’s brand. A sign that while they aren’t desperate yet, their cash cow (WoW) is dying of old age and they are looking for other sources of income to continue development. Hopefully that development isn’t into dead IP’s and games that cling to cultural relevance in an era that has moved beyond Warcraft, Starcraft, and Diablo. 

Why do I say Blizzard is dead? Because they can’t create something that isn’t in one of their dead old IPs. Warcraft, Starcraft, and Diablo are living history. They shouldn’t be getting used as much as they are. WoW is a living relic of the past. Go ahead, log in. All your old shit is still there. It’s like an old photo album of shame, except the last few pages are blank, and you can still fill them in ... for a price. 

I think choosing to publish Destiny is a glimpse into Blizzard’s future. Perhaps they will continue to develop some games under their dead IP’s and choose to publish premium games from other developers. I think the future of Blizzard is in publishing, and I see them to be more like Valve in the future, but expecting a higher quality from developers.  

In any case, I won’t be buying or playing anything Blizzard develops or publishes for quite some time. I think that they are in a rut as a company and they haven’t created anything that appeals to me for a long time. I think my best memories of Blizzard are in the past. 

[lifeonashelf]

CKY

Do any of you remember a film from the ‘90s called Shazaam?

Allow me to refresh your memory: Shazaam was a vehicle for C-list comedian Sinbad, who is perhaps best known for starring in a 1994  sitcom that was creatively titled The Sinbad Show—which I never watched because the show starred Sinbad. The Sinbad Show didn’t even last a full season on the FOX network (probably because the show starred Sinbad), but sometime either shortly before or shortly after that program was cancelled, its namesake landed the lead role in a film entitled Shazaam, a part which allowed him to stretch his acting chops by playing a wisecracking genie who acted exactly like Sinbad.

I distinctly remember seeing the trailer for this cinematic tour de force. To the best of my recollection, the plot revolved around two precocious children—one girl and one boy, naturally, to ensure that twice as many kids would beg their parents to buy the tie-in merchandise that would inexorably be produced if the film was successful—who one way or another encounter a djinn named Shazaam. Though their initial meeting befalls as a startling surprise for all parties concerned, they quickly become the best of pals and Shazaam subsequently convoys his youthful comrades through a rote series of comical PG hijinks. The specific nature of their shenanigans has been lost to the haze of time, but those details don’t matter much; a mid-‘90s movie built upon that scenario and geared toward that audience sort of writes itself (I doubt there was a subplot about Hungarian sex traffickers, for instance). I’m sure Shazaam helps the moppets surmount some sort of reasonably benign conflict and everyone learns a lesson about the true meaning of family by the time the credits roll. I’m assuming a clever dog is also involved in some fashion, and I’m confident the film features at least one protracted flatulence gag. Mind you, this is all just speculation; I can’t verify any of it since I never actually watched Shazaam (I decided not to because the trailer revealed that the film starred Sinbad).

Perhaps you already know where I’m going with this, but in case you don’t: Shazaam likely qualifies as the least successful celluloid offering ever concocted, because it is a movie which literally nobody watched. Oddly, this dearth of viewership didn’t have anything to do with Sinbad starring in it; the main reason nobody watched the film Shazaam is because the film Shazaam doesn’t actually exist. And I have a real difficult time wrapping my head around this, because not only am I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CERTAIN that I remember viewing the trailer I’ve described, I can also readily visualize the VHS case for this movie that was never really a movie on the shelves at Blockbuster Video (imagine my incredulity when I learned that Blockbuster Video never actually existed, either). And even stranger, there are evidently thousands upon thousands of people who recall the existence of this movie that does not exist as vividly as I do.

If you kept up with the brief internet furor about this topic which arose a couple years ago, you’re undoubtedly aware the Shazaam phenomenon has been explained away as some peculiar mass delusion known as the Mandela Effect—apparently, so many human brains muddled the title and star of the ill-advised Shaquille O’Neal genie flick Kazaam that our collective hive-minds fabricated an illusory film to match our erroneous memories. (Of course, this begs the question: do those of us who remember Shazaam subconsciously wish there was a film in which Sinbad plays a sassy, flatulent genie…?). This clarification makes a kind of sense, even though my vague recollections of the corporeal Kazaam and my lucid recollections of the false Shazaam differ substantially (in my brain, Sinbad never raps or does karate in his movie, yet both disciplines factor into major plot-points in Kazaam—and Shazaam doesn’t meander into a baffling second-act detour about Hungarian sex traffickers like Shaq’s film inexplicably does).

So here’s the reason I’m bringing this up here: when I sat down to write about the band CKY, the paramount thing I intended to delve into was how I was introduced to their music. Do me a favor and keep that in mind—this information will come in handy later.

 #

  When I was a twenty-something in the very late 1990’s-slash-very early 2000’s, I worked at Domino’s Pizza as a delivery driver, which was a really excellent gig at the time. I had almost no bills and gas was a buck a gallon, so I only needed to work about 20 hours a week to earn enough money to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. And like most twenty-something males who make their living as pizza conveyance professionals, when I wasn’t on the road, my comfortable lifestyle mainly entailed spending inordinate amounts of my free time listening to a bunch of punk rock, smoking a bunch of pot, and playing a bunch of video games.

[To be clear, not all of my co-workers at Domino’s did even one of these things. There was Dennis, for instance, who to the best of my knowledge did not enjoy punk rock, marijuana, or video games. He did, however, regularly come into work with cartons of expired baked goods that he extracted from the dumpsters behind Vons, which he would then rinse in the sink to make them “fresh” again. The prevailing rumor about Dennis’s backstory was that he was a former surgeon who had a nervous breakdown after losing a child patient on the operating table. I’m not so sure that was true, although I am very sure that he once brought in a plastic grocery bag filled with vomit instead of pastries and attempted to rinse that in the sink, too—which is why I tend to lean more toward believing Dennis was probably just fundamentally insane. There was no preamble to his unambiguously unhinged act; the dude simply strolled into the prep area at the start of his shift and said “hey, Taylor” to me like it was any other day… except he was carrying a sack of upchuck with him, clutching it right below the straps, as if girding the parcel to ensure he wouldn’t spill any of his cargo. My manager sent him home when she saw what was in the bag, but Dennis came back to work the very next afternoon—sans puke satchel—and the incident was never spoken of again. To this day, I cannot fathom how Dennis accumulated all that vomit, why he was hauling it around in his car, or what he was hoping to accomplish by soaking it in the same basin where we washed our pizza pans. Anyway, what I was getting at is that he didn’t especially fit the stereotype I outlined. We got along okay, though; I always made it a point to be really nice to the guy—you know, considering his alarming derangement and all.]

One of the staples of my Playstation habits in those days was the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater series. Despite having only spent a combined total of maybe zero-point-three hours on an actual skateboard in my entire life, my best friend Andy and I logged approximately 19,000 hours guiding the avatars in those seminal games through a multitude of gravity-and-logic-defying feats which no human being could ever possibly achieve with or without a skateboard. In the real world, I probably couldn’t even pull off an elementary trick like an ollie—but in the realm of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater I was a four-wheeled fucking god who could effortlessly grind up the side of a building, soar off the opposite edge, perform roughly nineteen twisting flips on my way back down, then execute a perfect landing on the downslope of an opportunely-placed ramp so I could launch off that and catch enough air to do nineteen more flips. Though I have never been an aficionado of that particular sporting pursuit, the Tony Hawk games were incredibly fun and offered endless replay potential due to the almost pornographic extremity of their facets. The conscientious city planners in THPS’s utopia were mindful to randomly insert dozens of half-pipes and empty swimming pools all over their towns, and none of their edifices featured a single surface that could not be utilized for some sort of astonishing aerodynamic exploit.

Instead of composing an original musical score for the series, the developers of the Pro Skater franchise rather ingeniously opted to license fifteen-or-so songs by relatively popular bands for each installment. These tunes supplied the background inspiration during gameplay, and were ostensibly chosen because they represented genres which the skater demographic enjoyed—unsurprisingly, the soundtracks predominantly relied on crowd-pleasing punk and hip-hop material (although one of the sequels featured a song by Powerman 5000, whose fanbase was roughly equivalent to the number of people who have watched Shazaam). However, a cycle of only fifteen tracks doesn’t go a very long way when it’s entirely feasible to play 100 rounds in one sitting—as Andy and I regularly did. So as you might suspect, we ended up hearing the same song-batch an incalculable number of times throughout the course of any given session, which inevitably burned every one of those tracks permanently into our brains. This is how I became intimately familiar with the band CKY, whose cut “Flesh Into Gear” appeared in one of the Tony Hawk releases and was consequently submitted for my listening pleasure hundreds upon hundreds of times.

Luckily, “Flesh Into Gear” is a really cool tune, a prime slice of appealing proto-metal with an insidiously catchy chorus and a snaking stoner-rock guitar riff that would undoubtedly inspire anyone in their right mind to rail-slide across a chain of forty conveniently-equidistant park benches. I could hardly believe a song this excellent and shrewdly-crafted was coined by an outfit like CKY, since the group’s foremost point of notoriety at the time was their drummer’s family ties to one of the cast members of Jackass—an obtuse reality television showcase for the misadventures of a squad of unabashed idiots whose misguided testosterone impelled them to launch bottle rockets out of their rectums, drink animal semen, and obsessively scour the ends of the earth searching for various objects to pummel each other’s testicles with.

My persistent exposure to “Flesh Into Gear” via Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater eventually motivated me to purchase CKY’s 2002 release Infiltrate-Destroy-Rebuild, the album the track was borrowed from. I have been spinning that disc repeatedly since I started writing this, and—while the rest of the band’s material is satisfactory but un-extraordinary—every single time “Flesh Into Gear” comes on, it instills me with a rush of delightful nostalgia. I cannot remember the last time I played any of the Pro Skater installments, but with “Flesh Into Gear” navigating my recollections just like it navigated my board-wielding avatar seventeen years ago, I can still clearly visualize the games’ indelible imagery and virtually weave my way through the vast intricacies of those levels I traversed countless times back then. And these evocations are accompanied by a flood of additional splendid reminiscences, snapshots from a far simpler and more idyllic time—perhaps my very favorite phase of my life—an era free of real jobs and real responsibilities, when on any given day my best friend and I could unreservedly spend endless hours engrossed in Playstation, and the most critical concerns in our purview were what combination of toppings we should order on our pizza and whether or not we would be able to track down an eighth so we could smoke a bowl before watching that evening’s new episode of South Park.  

This is the true and immeasurable splendor of music. Even this many years removed, I can still listen to “Flesh Into Gear” today and instantly be enveloped in those potent and wonderful memories, transported back to a comfortable living room in Lakewood, sitting in front of a big-screen television beside someone who is closer to me than a brother, our fingers frenetically tapping on the joysticks which control our destinies on the monitor, beautifully oblivious to the evaporating hours because we are twenty-one and our time seems infinite and our futures are wide open and we have a whole lifetime of escapades ahead of us. On these glorious occasions, Andy and I weren’t just mindlessly zoning out on some silly skateboarding game. We were ardently devoting ourselves to having fun, pure and unadulterated fun, the kind of serene merriment you only get to have for a woefully short yet richly blessed period of your existence, the kind of immaculate and untroubled amusement you don’t realize you won’t ever experience again until that phase of your life imperceptibly cedes to the next and the ravages of the real world begin to methodically devour your body and your soul. We were also laughing, a lot, often so vigorously and exuberantly that our giggle-fits overtook us in irrepressible paroxysms that brought tears of elation to our eyes. Simply by being in the same room with each other, we were celebrating just how special a friendship that spans literal decades truly is, and how singularly magnificent it feels to spend time with people whose mere presence has the ability to make you happy. So, it didn’t ultimately matter how many times we heard “Flesh Into Gear”. I never got sick of that song. Who could ever get sick of laughter and happiness?

The list of CKY’s quantifiable merits isn’t an especially long one. Nevertheless, they created something which conjures a surge of jubilant memories that I will never forget, and would never want to. Thus, they will always occupy a warm place in my heart, a place where they are inextricably tied to one of the most joyful epochs of my life: those euphoric and carefree days when my best friend and I had all the time in the world to listen to “Flesh Into Gear” over and over and over again while we were playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

Okay, are you ready? Here comes the Sinbad part…

In the interest of accuracy, I went online to look up the Pro Skater series and clarify which installment this particular track was used in. As I said, each of the Tony Hawk releases featured a different assortment of songs, and since Andy and I enthusiastically immersed ourselves in all of them as they came out, we heard and re-heard the music on all of those playlists accordingly. I was fairly certain “Flesh Into Gear” was part of Pro Skater 3’s soundtrack, but I wanted to verify that it hadn’t instead appeared in one of the previous games before I started waxing nostalgic here.  

What I found out is this: CKY’s song “Flesh Into Gear” did not appear in any edition of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. The band did indeed supply a track to THPS3, but it was an entirely different cut called “96 Quite Bitter Beings”, which I do not have in my collection because it isn’t even on the same album as “Flesh Into Gear”. This means that for the last however-many years, I have been assigning a reverent sentimental significance to a song that, for all intents and purposes, has absolutely no relevance to the detailed web of memories I have snuggled around it. The crystal-clear recollections I have of guiding a pixilated daredevil through a labyrinth of nosegrind-ready obstacles while “Flesh Into Gear” churned in the background never happened.

Shazaam.

For the record, Andy is still my best friend, and has been for 33 years and counting. Our lives have changed significantly since our Pro Skater era, but our bond has not. Though we are only able to hang out every couple months or so at present, whenever we do, we still play video games. And we still watch South Park. And we still approach ordering pizza like the medley of toppings we select are variables in an intricate and vitally-imperative equation. And we still laugh a whole fucking lot.

Sure, I miss the old days—anyone who doesn’t miss the old days obviously wasn’t doing the old days right. Yet, despite only seeing Andy a handful of times a year and having to drive two hours to Oceanside to do so, I never get so wistful for the way things were that I neglect cherishing the way things are now. I love Andy’s wife, Neisa, and I love having a front-row seat to the incredible and inspiring marriage they have built together. I absolutely adore the two remarkable humans they created, Shae and Nixon, and I consider it the most profound honor of my life to be their Uncle Taylor. There are plenty of things I would change about my own contemporary reality, but there isn’t a single thing I would change about theirs.

Still, every now and then, I do find myself wishing I could revisit that living room in Lakewood, settle down in front of that big-screen TV with Andy, turn on the Playstation, and feel as infinite and invincible and utterly content as I did back when I was a twenty-one year-old pizza conveyance professional whose universe was far too harmonious and secure to generate even an inkling of anxiety about the present, let alone the future. If I did return to that time and place, it wouldn’t be so I could instigate any sweeping amendments or pass on some sage piece of cautionary wisdom to my younger self. No, I think I would let the pages of that chapter turn exactly the way they did. Because, all things considered, spending entire days on end doing something as enchantingly frivolous as playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater with your best friend in the world isn’t really all that irresponsible—it’s probably precisely what life is all about. And, you know what, it wouldn’t matter to me one bit which CKY song was on the soundtrack, just as long as Andy and I were having fun while we listened to it.  

I hope you enjoyed this piece. Even though it starred Sinbad. If you don’t mind, I’m going to go ahead and roll the credits here on that poignant note. I’ll save the story about my run-in with Hungarian sex traffickers for another time.

 July 21, 2018