#man i havent painted in YEARS im glad this came out good :-)

[5oz-mud]

decided to hop on the trend of painting my own kim to hang on the wall. more wip pics under the read more!

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[neufocklagh]

Answer questions 1-100 (:

The meaning behind my url: - it means ineffable, but i forgot what language and i cant find it :-(

A picture of me: I will post one later (-:

How many tattoos i have and what they are: I have zero but I want a lot!!! hopefully i get one for my birthday 

Last time i cried and why:  -last time i cried was a few days ago, i was really aggravated about a lot of little things and i felt like my life wasn’t balanced. 

Piercings i have: -i have my nipples pierced and my ear lobes, i used to have my nose pierced but it fell out :-( i want to get my tragus pierced 

Favorite band:  -for nostalgic reasons and because i still bop to it today, Fall Out Boy

Biggest turn offs:  -inequality and demanding attitudes

Top 5 (insert subject): -I’m gonna choose the subject. my top 5 songs rn, 1. RPG (kehlani), 2. Girl (destiny’s child), 3. Nunya (kehlani), 4. Pretty Little Fears (6lack ft. J.Cole), 5. Stay Fly (three 6 mafia)

Tattoos i want:  -a rose on my ankle with my name on it (my mom has a rose with her name on it), “here i go down circle road” on my ankle, peonies and poppies with a snake running through them on my back, a tree on my thigh, and the faces from “theres a voice inside you” on my shoulder looking towards my head. 

Biggest turn ons:  -independence but reassurance that they want me in their life, self reliance, and confidence.

Age: -20, but i’ll be 21 in 28 days!!!!

Ideas of a perfect date:  -something that allows us to talk and get to know each other better, but also a little competitive (-:

Life goal:  -to be financially stable enough that i can help out my family.

Piercings i want:  -oops, my tragus and maybe second earlobe piercings

Relationship status:   -single

Favorite movie:  -oh my goodness so many options… but i guess i’ll go for the first movie that really got me into movies and that was kill bill vol 1.

A fact about my life:  -i don’t wish anybody that has done me wrong any harm.

Phobia:  -i have a fear of falling! not of heights but of falling

Middle name: -Cameron

Height:  -5′1″

Are you a virgin?  -no

What’s your shoe size?  -mens 3.5 women 5

What’s your sexual orientation?  -straight

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?  -i drink occasionally

Someone you miss:  -i miss my best friend a lottttttttt

What’s one thing you regret?   -i didn’t pick more flowers when i had the opportunity

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: -Lucy Liu

Favorite ice cream?  -strawberry!!

One insecurity:  -my body

What my last text message says:  -”i’m proud of both of us! we gonn kill it this time!”

Have you ever taken a picture naked?  -yes indeeedy

Have you ever painted your room?  -i did when i was in 7th grade, but that was the last time because i didn’t have a room after that

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?  -yes i have

Have you ever slept naked?  -yes indeedy

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?  -heck yes, all the time. 

Have you ever had a crush?  -oh yeah, not very many but i definitely have

Have you ever been dumped?  -nope

Have you ever stole money from a friend?  -god i can’t even ask my mom for money, i would feel terrible if i did that

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?  -yes, probably not the best idea, but yeah

Have you ever been in a fist fight?  -oh yeah

Have you ever snuck out of your house?  -no, but i never really had a reason to do it 

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?  -yes that hurt like a mofo

Have you ever been arrested?  - i havent

Have you ever made out with a stranger?  -oooo nooooo 

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?  -yeah i definitely have

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?  -i mean yes but they weren’t there so i feel like this doesn’t count as sneaking out that’s why i didn’t count it on 41

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?  -nah

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?  -yessssss, my mom would be disappointed if she found out

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?  -oh yeah, i used to have major sleepovers with my best friend

Have you ever seen someone die?  -no and i’m really glad i haven’t

Have you ever been on a plane?  -yes!! and i loved it!

Have you ever kissed a picture?  -yes (-’:

Have you ever slept in until 3?  -oh god yes

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?  -i have definitely been in love, love is an amazing feeling. do i miss past loves? no, i just wish them the best

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?  -yes and i love it

Have you ever made a snow angel?  -i haven’t :-(

Have you ever played dress up?  -sooooo much 

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?  -honestly… yes

Have you ever been lonely?  -oh yeah, but i get over it fast

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?   -i can’t, i dont know why but i can’t

Have you ever been to a club?  -YAAAAS AND I FUCK THE CLUB UP BBY

Have you ever felt an earthquake?  -i have not

Have you ever touched a snake?  -siiii

Have you ever ran a red light?  -very few times but yes

Have you ever been suspended from school?  -yes and it was so stupid

Have you ever had detention?  -yes and it was also super stupid

Have you ever been in a car accident?  -yeah, but it was super minor

Have you ever hated the way you look?  -yes oh god yes, i still have those days but i’m trying to get better about it

Have you ever witnessed a crime?  -lmaooooooo yeah, like all throughout highschool and like everyday in my neighborhood

Have you ever pole danced?  -no but i want to learn!

Have you ever been lost?  -yes 

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? -YEAH!!!!

Have you ever felt like dying?  -god kill me now

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?  -yes i have a lot, sometimes its cathartic 

Have you ever sang karaoke?  -yeah i have, i’m terrible (-:

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?  -everyday i tell myself i am not spending money today and somedays i don’t listen to myself and there i go spending money at some food place

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?  -i’ve only done this once!

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?  -not in a romantic way or any kind of sexual way, yes

Have you ever kissed in the rain?  -in a dramatic romantic movie way? nah

Have you ever sang in the shower?  -heck yes bby

Have you ever made out in a park?  -no

Have you ever dream that you married someone?  -i always dream about marrying mark ruffalo

Have you ever glued your hand to something?  -no i haven’t

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?  -no, i don’t live in a place cold enough to do that 

Have you ever gone to school partially naked?  -wait what? do people do that?? 

Have you ever been a cheerleader?  -no, i did gymnastics outside of school though

Have you ever sat on a roof top?  -yes and i loved it

Have you ever brushed your teeth?  -who doesn’t?? if you don’t, please brush your teeth. i had a lady come in and she was so freaking excited about her new dentures because she could now smile, and she said “take care of your teeth, take it from me.” and that scares me so much. 

Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?  -yesssss

Have you ever played chicken?  -no i haven’t 

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?  -yessssss

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?  -no but this older man winked at me when i finished ringing him up and i was like “pls no”

Have you ever broken a bone?  -no i haven’t!

Have you ever been easily amused?  - i feel like im easy to amuse honestly

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?  - yes and i love those moments

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?  -no, i don’t think so 

Have you ever cheated on a test?  -yes, but why would you leave the answers right in front of my face though? 

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?   -all the time, i’m so bad with names

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?   -you mean geminis? yeah

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.  i will only wear sandals when my toes are painted, because i feel like my toes only look cute when they are painted. and if the paint is chipping then i wont wear sandals. 

[crossnecklace]

hi hi hi! so i feel like a lot of my most favorite fics dont get talked about much, therefore i wanted to create a proper fic rec masterpost to spread the love!! this is going to be a looooong list, so hopefully theres something for everyone (though i do firmly believe u should read every single one of these before u die)

in no particular order, but a * indicates my absolute faves that i reread monthly:

hats off to my distant hope by navigator (21k) *

Harry is in White Eskimo. Louis is in London.

AU loosely inspired by the song “505” by Arctic Monkeys.

-kicking this off with one of my very favorites. i think my favorite trope is when hl have this angsty “we’re not dating but definitely fucking and also doing everything couples do also i’m irrevocably in love with you why aren’t we dating?” sort of moment. its painful in the sweetest way, and this fic captures that perfectly. there will be quite a few of those on this list, i’ll bet

up the long delirious burning blue by orphan_account (6k)

harry is a swimmer & louis is the writer who somehow manages to make him come up for air. 

-this one is quite sad. so poetic and painful and lovely and unf (warning for mentions of suicide and depression, and the ending is quite ambiguous but there is no MCD)

we wreak havoc with out hearts by flimsy (9k)

Harry finds that he can’t keep things separate; neither can Louis.

Harry tousles his hair, smoothes it back, shrugging. 

“Alright,” he says. “I’m, you know, outside if you need anything.” 

“Yeah,” Louis replies. “Sure.” 

He doesn’t look like he’ll be needing Harry, and Harry tells himself that that’s okay. They’ve both got their moods sometimes or maybe the timing isn’t good, and if it’s not then that’s alright as well. Harry can respect that. And it’s not like this is their first tour; Harry knows that Louis will come around. He always does.

-another one of those w that trope i talked about. im gonna call it the RFWB trope (romantic friends w benefits). this one is so hot and good

rather this than live without you by mediaville (10k) *

Harry decides to give it all up. Louis refuses to be left behind.

-RFWB pt. 3. i ADORE this fic. just the setting and the angst and the smut ugh it all has me on the floor

one day to believe in you by mediaville (7k) 

A mysterious force compels Louis to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Even when it’s really inconvenient.

Harry blinks and has the nerve to look surprised. 

“You think about me when you get off?”

“Yes,” Louis says. He wonders how hard he’d need to punch himself in the face to knock himself out.

“Often?”

“Yes, Christ, Harry,” Louis groans. “Probably eight times a week for going on six years now. On average, you know. More when we were touring, less when I’ve been visiting family. Anything else you’d like to know?”

- :-)))))))

all my love was down in a frozen ground by navigator (16k)

Louis goes to the woods. 

AU very loosely inspired by the creation of Bon Iver’s first record.

-i’ll be honest i dont even remember what this fic is about but its in my bookmarks and its by navigator so i know that its good

boys of summer by sharktoothedfawnskinned (49k) *

What he wants is for this to be a forever thing, not someplace Harry spent the summer once.  What he wants is for this to be more than a memory.

(New Jersey beach town AU.) 

- I SCREAM EVERY TIME READ THIS RIGHT NOW 

we should get jerseys by orphan_account (12k) *

There’s a lot surrounding Harry, and Louis knows, in his heart of hearts, that there always will be. He just doesn’t know if he’ll manage to equate into the ‘always’ of it.

(Harry is a hockey player, and Louis is his slightly melodramatic boyfriend.)

- another old favorite!!! pretty much anything that involves harry being good at sports has me on my knees bc it paves way for automatic angst, louis being jealous of a puck/ball/net/what have you, and uhhh various other *athletic* activities

the finish line (is a good place for us to start) by @loaded-gunn (122k)

Louis Tomlinson, one-time Formula 1 World Champion, is looking forward to the 2013 season. He’s got Zayn in his garage and Liam in his ear, he’s got Cowell Racing backing him despite former indiscretions, he’s got experience and the best race car out there. Not to mention he’s the only racer they have, after Oliver dropped out late last year.

It hasn’t occurred to him that Oliver would have to be replaced by February. That is, until he finds himself at a party celebrating Harry Styles leaving Ferrari for Cowell. Harry hotshot Styles, who broke a record last year and is probably looking to make a big splash. Harry Styles, who is talented and somewhat intimidating. Harry Styles, who left Ferrari for reasons unknown and seems kind of lonely and harmless in person. Lonely, harmless, hot as fuck. Whatever.

The first thing Louis does is take him under his wing. From there it’s nine months of slow-burning romance, the past catching up to them, turning into the human puppy pile that is OT5 and a lot of feelings until, of course, reaching the finish line.

-one of the first 1d fics i remember reading. i havent touched it in a long time but it used to be my #1 fave and it has a special place in my heart. so much pining, only not really in a frustrating way bc theres abundant flirting and they kiss in like, the second scene. its basically louis trying to keep his shit together and failing miserably. AND its stuffed with fandom meta which is quite entertaining if youve been here for awhile. anyway give this a read, i truly love it so much

so keep my candle bright by whisperdlullaby (78k) *

louis returns to his hometown after four years to find that the reverend’s son has done some growing up of his own.

-god. the characterization in this one is just gorgeous. the way louis helps harry accept/explore his sexuality is so beautiful and i think about it every day. a must read!!! (warning for homophobia and religious themes)

no one like you by @myownsparknow (20k)

Dear Niall,

I was glad to have the chance to talk with you again at the AHA conference. Your idea that the Musee D’Orsay Tomlinson painting is in fact not a self-portrait is an intriguing one, and I may have discovered something that will have a bearing on that theory.

Some background: as you may remember, I’ve been researching for a book I’m writing about Harry Styles. I’ve been in communication with Styles’ last living descendant, who is in possession of a trunk that her family believed to have belonged to Styles himself. It held some personal items she presumes to be his, including two unmounted paintings and a small collection of letters.

Upon spending the last few days in Provins studying these items, I believe there to be a connection between Tomlinson and Styles, and I would very much like your opinion.

Are you up for a trip to France?

Sincerely, Liam Payne

Where Liam and Niall are art historians discovering the truth about two nineteenth century painters on opposite sides of an artistic divide.

-this is one of the only recent fics on this list bc i like to stew in the past and pretend all my favorite writers havent left the fandom. i read it when it first came out and man oh man, its like poetry. so gorgeously written, and hl’s relationship is so deeply rooted and beautiful. i love

our little corner of the world by brownheadedstranger (30k)

AU. Louis is stuck in his mom’s diner for the summer. Harry is the line cook with a pickup truck.

-so good!! i’d die for americanized fics which doesnt even make sense bc i hate america but. what can u do 

i could dream all night by @fondleeds (73k) *

As the sun kisses the horizon, one last flash of light before the stars and the moon take over, his phone will brighten in his grasp, Louis’ name appearing on screen, come over or wanna see you or miss your mouth. Harry always lingers on those messages, elbows bruising on the cool metal of the railing by the lookout, watching the water as he thumbs at the side of his phone, lips bitten into his mouth, trying to will away the bubbling in his stomach, the heat that flushes to his neck at the thought of being thought of.

At the thought of Louis thinking of him.

AU. Harry spends his summer away from the city.

-lordt. where the fuck do i begin. first of all, lysha, if ur reading this, i’d die for u even tho u already killed me with this fic. second, what the fuck???? this is so good??? the imagery is exquisite, everything is so soft and hazy and warm, but just be warned that its a tRick. this fics wraps u in like a warm hug and then stabs u 7 times in the back so be prepared :-))) (warning for ambiguous ending)

another hazy may by deLILAh (41k) *

louis is a terrible poet and harry lives in the now and they have six weeks to fall in love but, really, it only takes six seconds. bookshop meets military meets summer romance au ft. marlboros, the backstreet boys, and underrated literary devices.

-i dnot even wanna talk about it. i swear to god the first time i read this i stayed up all night and cried through literally like the last three quarters of it. its so poetic and gorgeous and now every time i think or hear about the literary present i wanna die so thanks for scarring me forever 

like a bastard on the burning sea by vashtaneradas (22k) *

au; harry breaks louis, louis breaks everything.

- listen i know im not supposed to like this but yknow what?? iconic. its absolutely a guilty pleasure and the only cheating fic ill ever give the time of day bc it just hurts so good 

take me to the church (series) by @kingsoftheimpossible (14k/6k/4k)

Harry and Louis are Horsemen of the Apocalypse- War and Conquest- but that’s not really important. They just like to fuck things up.

these r freaky but so so good. theres nothin i love more than boyfriends wreaking havoc on..everything. (the main warnings i’d say are for slight gore/violence and blasphemy. other than that i’d read the tags before you dive in)

if you love me, come clean by @victoryjacket​ (121k) *

AU in which Louis works at a recording studio where Harry’s ‘up and coming’ and ‘exciting’, soon-to-be famous indie band has just signed a deal to record their debut album at, and Louis’ never even heard of them for Christ’s sakes, but that doesn’t stop him from repeatedly catching the eye of the raven-haired, eyeliner-wearing and slightly dangerous-looking frontman (but he’s not interested, he isn’t.)

-everyone read my love’s fic right now. she writes tortured rockstar!harry beautifully and its just so good :-))))) ft. the slowest, sweetest burn 

a runaway american dream by dangerbears (15k)

AU. they take route 66 with only each other and their secrets.

-iconic. plus the whole thing is just hl trying and failing to be just bro pals and platonically share a bed

from the love to the lightning by orphan_account (22k) *

“i didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. because it’s the halves that halve you in half.”

 a like crazy au where harry and louis fall in america, but have to try to make it work when problems arise that force louis to stay in london.

-definitely in my top 10. first things first, the line that fucked me up forever: “Three thousand, four hundred and seventy one. There are 3471 miles and an entire ocean between them, but Harry doesn’t even have to get out of bed to find bone-crushing heartache.” AH. i think this might actually be the only long distance au ive ever read and its angsty as fuck but oh so worth it. like literally idek what to say except read this right now (warning for harry/ofc relationship that is pretty detailed, but i grew kinda fond of her? and anyway its mainly just a plot point to emphasize harrys pining for his tru love,,,,yk who) 

we can take the long way home by @eleadore (27k) *

“Fertile,” Louis says, and then laughs because it sounds stupid to say out loud. He hasn’t ever really thought of himself in those terms. Baby-making terms. It’s just one of those things his body can do, like exercise, or go without tea. Doesn’t mean he will.

or, The band takes a break. Harry and Louis come together.

-listen, i REALLY REALLY love this fic. its probably literally my favorite one shot, like, its really just so sweet and hot and its again one of those good ol RFWB tropes. loveeee

red brick heart by hazmesentir (99k) *

Harry has only had his room for thirty-two minutes when it stops being his.

Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn’t expect is a surprise roommate who’s loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he’s ever wanted.

-this is one of the few fandom faves i can get behind. i know its got that early era cliche of commitment phobe!louis but i really love hl’s relationship in this, and how harry comes to terms w his sexuality via making out w louis tomlinson like 500 times. plus the scene in the club where louis, uh, helps harry out just…GETS me, yknow? 

some things take root by navigator/quitter (50k) *

AU. Louis’ ex doesn’t get jealous of anyone besides Harry. Harry helps Louis use that to his advantage.

-pleasepleplalspelplseease. literally navigator can end me. this is THE fake relationship au yall, like, any fanart of hl making out near a bar gives me flashbacks to this fic. read it

keep yourself warm by navigator (20k)

AU. Harry sleeps around.

-this fic is really nice and oddly comforting, like, i just love the pining and the angst. its so !!!! 

with love comes strange currencies by mediaville (16k) *

One day One Direction will be over and Louis won’t be around Harry every waking moment. He’ll be able to finally get some space, let their bond dissipate as it’s bound to do, if they don’t mess up again. He can move to Costa Rica and forget that Harry Styles popped his first knot inside him. Until then, he’s going to have to deal with this.

or, They’re Accidentally Mated and Dealing With It Rather Badly.

-i con ic. listen, i have nothing against abo but im just .. not rly into it. however, THIS is the first abo fic i read and the only one i ever loved. like just the whole accidental mating and how it draws them to each other even tho its quite inconvenient, and how h takes cares of l when hes sick, i just..gotta go 

covered in lines (series) by mentalistecbm (24k)

He likes to imagine that he’s always aware of Harry’s eyes on him, but the spark that flashes across his body at how often Harry licks his lips while looking at his throat doesn’t feel like something he’s explicitly and consciously acknowledged before, but it feels familiar. Usual. Right.

(Louis is human, and Harry is lucky enough to be his vampire boyfriend.)

-noah fence but this is,,,, essentially twilight in au form, minus love triangles and werewolves. actually its completely different lmao, who am i, but the overall atmosphere and the vampire dynamics rly reminded me of it. i mean it in the best way!!! its so good, and anything involving dr*nking has me on the floor

weird honey by orphan_account (5k)

~staying up all night, talking blasphemous ash, weird honey~ 

(PWP where Harry is not 100% at home in his body and he and Louis use a sex toy to help work through the problem)

-this fic is soft and nice and makes me feel warm inside so highly recommend

who painted the moon black by throughthedark (95k) *

“People died,” Harry whispers so quietly Louis strains to hear. “People died, and I killed some of them. How does life just go on after something like that?”

Louis shakes his head. “I don’t know. It just does.”

Hunger Games AU where Louis Tomlinson is district six’s victor from the 69th Hunger Games and Harry Styles is district seven’s victor from the 72nd Hunger Games.

-listen. i do NOT want to talk about it. (ps harry throwing axes on the bbc literally  took me out by the knees bc of this fic)

one more for the stars by imsosorry (16k)

It’s different, and Louis knows that, because Harry’s got so much riding on this - a career and a future and his whole life. There’s talk of him going first overall in the draft, of entering the NFL after only two years in college, of going to New York or Seattle or Green Bay, and Louis wants to be there for him, wants to support him and help him make decisions, but he also kind of wants to pin him to the bed and cry and scream, What about me what about me what about me?

(au. Harry’s the star quarterback and Louis is about to graduate. It’s a heartbreak waiting to happen.)

-i think i mentioned before that sports au have me on the floor and this is no excpetion 

you and me were kings by ithacas (28k) *

harry plays football in a small town in west texas. louis might be the only person that doesn’t give a damn. au.

-another football au, this one with the added beauty of being set in southern us. im such a sucker for southern aus, mannnn, and this one is so soft and beautiful

hold onto your stars by vashtaneradas (16k) *

au; harry’s in the army, louis’ back home, and ninety days is a lifetime.

-are u srs????? this is another hazy may except…….Worse. like, im still working out the science of it but im pretty sure this killed me and brought me back to life just so i could suffer the pain of it forever. (nobody dies tho)

makes perfect by checkthemargins (8k)

“What if you practiced on like, a mannequin?” Louis presses. “Or one of those blow up sex dolls? Or even just like, I don’t know, a pillow or something. Whatever it’d fit around.”

Harry tilts his head thoughtfully, curls catching the light so entrancingly that Louis finds himself reaching up to push his fingers through them. “It’s different, though, innit? When it’s a real person. A pillow won’t snog me.”

“Why should it?” says Louis. “You can’t even take its bra off.”

hmmmm. hmmmmmmmm. im jus gonna leave this here,,,,,,,,,

all the diamonds you have here by vashtaneradas (21k) 

it hits louis now, how fucking close to the precipice they’re standing. 

or, an au feat. investment banking and children.

-its #confirmed that anything by vashtaneradas is guaranteed to be painful as hell. who said there cant be soul crushing angst in marriage/kid fics too ! 

wild and unruly by @100percentsassy/gloria_andrews (123k) *

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.

-ending this with a classic. i trust that everyone has read this masterpiece already and that i dont have to say anything about it other than w o w 

______________________________________________________________

tis all for now! happy reading and pleaseee feel free to yell @ me about these fics if you liked them as much as i did!! 

[dawnowar]

I wanted to identify with Elizabeth Smart

but I can’t honestly say I can. I mean obviously I havent been through what she went through. 

I just watched both the Lifetime movie and the 3 part special on A&E about her. Finally getting her story. We all wondered, didn’t we? I mean we were all invested in her story when we heard on the news she got kidnapped, and we were all overjoyed for her unexpected return, but I felt sort of cheated that I didn’t get to hear the story when she came back. So i tuned in to finally know what happened to her now that she is finally talking about it. 

My story is nothing like hers. I was physically and mentally abused in my own home by my fathers’ 2nd wife, after he got remarried. I was about 8 or 9 give-or-take when she started being abusive. My father worked long hours and had a long commute and I was basically left in the custody of the woman I call “My Evil Stepmother” and her two daughters.

Yeah, I know its not even close to the same thing, but as i grew up and read stories of other people’s experiences, I’ve always identified more with POWs and kidnapping victims than children that grew up in abusive households.

I put the difference down to being OK and raised by loving and caring people until I was about 8 or 9 give-or-take. So I knew this woman was crazy and wrong. Always. 

So I *do* identify with Elizabeth Smart in the parts where she says that she never had Stockholm Syndrome and that she was adapting to survive. And I do identify with her for not speaking up and saving herself sooner. I had those moments too when I could have said something to the right person to save myself but I didn’t. 

I really like how she tells her story and reframes it all and paints herself as the hero. I think thats a great way to look at it. From what I know of my own experiences, its probably her best coping skill. But I feel like I probably would have identified more with her story if I’d heard more of the sad parts.

She doesnt owe me or anyone that. And I’m glad she doesn’t feel like she needs to tell the sad parts again and again. I don’t feel like I do either. But I was a very sad child. I cried constantly because my life was torture and I had no forseeable way out. Not because the resources to help me out didn’t exist, but because I was a kid and I didn’t know who to say what to to get myself out of the situation. So I just cried a lot. and did what I had to do to make my life, in my current situation, as bearable as possible, by playing along with the nonsensical whims and bizarre fictional universe she created for me to play along with. 

So I kinda wanted to hear the details of this “religion” Elizabeth Smart’s captors created for her. Because I was made to live in a fictional story my stepmother had made up that had its own set of rules and language, etc. I think thats the part I wanted to relate to, knowing she was speaking in thees and thous and talking of him like he was a prophet and such when she knew fully well none of this was true. 

But she seemed more focused on telling the story of how she convinced him to go back to Salt Lake, enabling her own rescue. And that’s cool.

I don’t have that story to tell. I just grew up and went to college far away and literally was out of grasp of her bullshit. It even took me a few years, because I related to the family in this way, to wake up fully and say.. yeah im not playing this stupid game anymore or pretending anything to any of these people anymore.

When I’d just turned 16, I called a child abuse hotline and finally told someone and they said i was old enough to leave and i should just leave. Which was preposterous because I was kid and I had no one to go to or anywhere to go and no money and no way to get anywhere. So I stayed. 

Never brought any criminal charges against this woman who spent years randomly attacking me physically and doing her best to fuck w me as much as possible to try to mess me up as much as she could.

I fought back by not being messed up. I saved myself by adapting and surviving. Which is why I didn’t leave. Which is why Elizabeth Smart didn’t leave. Maybe I do identify with her. Falling in line minimizes your own suffering. She was a kid and she wasn’t in a safe situation, so it makes sense she couldn’t be sure she would be safe if she said something to someone sooner. 

I remember my guidance counselor in High School stopping me in the hall and asking me a question and then calling me by the name my Evil Stepmother called me at home........... so i knew he’d been talking to her. Because I didnt go by that name in school. It was part of her psycho bullshit, not anything I wanted to be called. So i knew he couldn’t be trusted and I never told him either. 

Maybe if I’d told him straight up that’s her psycho bullshit and its basically her abuse name for me he would have saved me. But it came across like he was my enemy. So I get why it took Elizabeth Smart 45 mins to admit who she was once she was alone with police who had been looking for her for 9 mos. 

So I guess I do identify with her in some ways. I think I wanted to identify with her in more. I’m not sure why. I think in the break between her reappearance and her telling her story, I imagined it to be a story I could identify with better. 

I’m glad shes OK. 

I’m glad I’m OK too. 

My evil sister once said to me that our story wasn’t even good enough to make it on a talk show because I wasn’t being sexually abused. But I think our story was plenty messed up. I think it wouldnt make a good lifetime movie because it didn’t make any sense and it didnt have a good ending. I just eventually stopped playing along little by little till I wasn’t playing along at all anymore.

And I was graduated from college and living several states away by then.

What happened for me was that my friend’s kid turned 8. and I was like.. wow. .. really??? WTF is wrong w a person who can treat a freakin’ 8 yr old like that?!?!  I needed her to be that age I was to put it in perspective for me what that really means. This adult woman looked at 8 yr old me and decided I need to be taken down a notch. For real. 

That’s fucked up. 

and I was gone. 

Maybe its cause Elizabeth Smart had a family to go back to that I don’t identify with her. I don’t have a family to go back to. I had a good one till I was 8, but then it was over and I had no one but me to count on and I was just surviving day to day. 

I would imagine, when I was young, that one day, I would grow up and move away and live in an apartment in a city like That Girl and have a job and friends and wacky adventures. 

That’s pretty much how I turned out, so I consider myself a success. 

Elizabeth Smart said she imagining finding her Prince so I guess it makes sense she married what seems to be a rich Scottish man. 

Maybe I should have imagined my future with more money or something. Maybe that’s why I don’t identify with her. She just had 9 mos of the worst life ever and then went back to the life that was taken away from her.

I never got mine back.

I wonder if my Dad understood/believed the mistake he’d made and chose to divorce that woman and protect me instead of standing by her. If he’d said, “Oh.. i screwed up bad here...” and fixed it. or tried to fix it.. in 9 mos or even a few years.. or at any point for that matter... 

I wonder if my dream wouldnt have been just to live on my own. I wonder if I’d be someone entirely different. 

Not that there’s anything wrong w/the me I am today.

I just wonder. 

[luziflor]

Update (long post)

So I wouldnt say I was astral projecting today. Much more of lighly travelling up there and getting to some sort of inbetween spot between here and there, maybe?

Background: Years ago in my coven my mentor had us do a meditation exercise. We would visualize roots growing from where we stood, and tree branches growing up from us. It would lead you into a starry space, and she taught us to put up a ward and shield there. You would then travel into the tree to get to something that was supposed to be a personal temple, to meet with your deities and such. Not really the same as astral home. So im gonna like.... push it up there. Or something. Point is, I have a home thing already its just not really in the right location yet, but is close-ish maybe. Another problem i have with this though is that I used to be into thoughtforms. I had a few, and they had pet dragons. We had a lovely home with lots of wooded areas and a sea and everything. I could tell that one was strictly in my head at the time though, as I used to get severe headaches and even feel the energy in my brain severely shift. Thats a different story, but causes me to again question if im actually doing anything or just creating more thats only my brain (then again, ive heard of egregores being able to see egregores of others or travel to their homes.... ). Clearly, I have some things to work through.

About the home/temple that was already there - literally was created by 16 year old me after seeing an aesthetic pic on tumblr. Maybe I can find it again but I really doubt it. Anyways, the inside is light and dark blue marble. It has gold accents, and greek styled columns. The whole thing is really an old greek looking place. I recall I had a waterfall or something in there that would cause severe damage to a real house but I liked the look so it didnt bother me. There is a white greek statue of a woman in there but I could not tell you who it is. To the left there is an altar. The original was above a stone fireplace.

How its been updated: Same color scheme, theme, and random statue. The water feature was changed though, now its a small pond outside my house with a mini rock waterfall. Like for turtles. My altar is now a weird wooden desk bookshelf hybrid, that doesnt fit the theme at all. But its pretty. And I added a pet altar, it came to me as a wooden slab on metal legs or something, and it has wings that fold upward on it. Very cheesy but its a lovely piece, so I let it be. It has constant offerings of meat, water, and leaves or veggies to my passed away pets. I´ve also made it so they have a space where they can come and go as they please. I was also interacting with my deities and like uh hey guys u can make your own rooms if you want, just follow normal human rules. And I dont think any of them except Hecate did, and she did it immediately hahahah. But its not something I expected from her, though I am new to her as well. She made one that is kind of like a cave? And it had glowing amber light from the inside, and a gold metal accent piece at the top. She placed it very close to my altar but not rudely close. Apparently theres also a kitchen in there but its much more modern looking, and I got blocked from going in there (see below). I added new shields and wards, and a symbol appeared to me but its not related to any deity or anything. It came as I was setting up the shield and looking for sigils too. Its at a weird angle, a bunch of buildings mostly sky scrapers on a flat street. Below it are one line going down, and two lines attached to it with arrows or something going out. I would also like to point out that I huge painted ball python wrapped itself around my house, but it only came in images and energy I cant actually see it on the house.

Experience this time: Went in, established my being there. Looked around, was mostly the same as when I left it though some features such as my altar and water had been changed. Basically anything that worked with elements had disappeared really, or left behind a mild energy and base to build off of again. 

Welcomed in my deities to talk to them. Had a great meeting with Zeus, Poseidon, Lilith, and for the first time, Hecate (though I have interacted with her already).

Hecate was the first I greeted. She had her hair in a nice smooth updo, and looked like an oil painting. Im still working on visualization, she didnt move much  but I heard her speaking and felt the energy. She also had a golden bird metal band in her hair, which surprised me as well. Shes very nice so far, though i find it funny that she, mother of witches, had to put her room right next to my altar (which only has one side available). I thanked her for her work with me so far, especially as my oldest dog passed just recently, and I have another one whos young and sick now (he is much better today!).

Then was Lilith. When i first saw her, she was old and cranky but none the less friendly to me. Just kinda like a grandma with a temper. That had been in winter. Now as it is summer here (or spring? guate is weird), she came to me as a woman who had to be 19-early 20s. She had light olive skin, and swamp green eyes with slit pupils. She had brown loose curled hair that was every so slightly frizzy and very full. She was full human, but this time her body was super limber and a bit long like a snake. She was in a plain white dress, but it was like you could feel that her abdomen had a very specific shape that was like a snake. She was lovely, very kind, and patient with me as always. She is sweet but definitely has a jokester and teasing energy about her. After I left her, a huge californian king snake wrapped itself up around my shoulders just to chill, and I felt his scales moving across my shoulder. I havent held a snake in years, and I know for a fact my old cal king has died.

Next was Zeus. He is so much like a father figure to me, and he was very cheerful. Unfortunately because I havent really met up with him in a very long time, he looked to me like the animated Neptune from Little Mermaid. Yeeaah, sorry man. But he was fine none the less. We have a good relationship, he was glad to see me reaching out to them again. Even though I could not see him as he is for me, I could feel his energy. For me he is very hearty, and big. Its like santa clause with an attitude problem. (sorry pops)

Finally, Neptune/Poseidon. This one has been confusing for me as he presents himself to me as both. First it was more of Neptune, but now more of Poseidon. While Zeus is more like a father to me, Poseidon is the one that has all of my interests or is coincidentally related to weird things that happen to me. While Zeus has always been like a father, Zeus and I were more detached to begin with. But Poseidon was always the sweet uncle who related to what I liked and taught me valuable lessons. Today I saw him and felt him at the time, but once I was recording it in my journal I forgot almost everything about the experience other than it was super nice. 

There was some point where I had looked down, and noticed I had on partial armor in the color of gold on my legs and on my lower arms. Then I saw light dusty blue fabric draped over my arm, and more detail came from there. I was somehow wearing a stereotypical greek dress, but also bits of gold armor. I looked into a mirror and also saw that I had on a golden crown which felt a bit much in my tastes, but it was lovely so I kept it anyways! 

I saw my old dog Molly in there, though we didnt interact. Muffin, my recently passed, was there too. And I met up with her, and while I cant for sure say it was her it was good to have a few moments where I felt like I was playing with her again and hearing her weird snorts she makes when shes happy. My physical body had started crying after that. I could feel her bones again, if it was her shes happy but needs some serious vetting, which is probably the case anyways. Hopefully the offerings and me getting more experienced will help as time goes on. 

In my pet altar, I opened the drawer and found pictures. The only one I could really make out was one of my passed kitten, Possum. Possum had been a soul mate of a cat for me, ive never felt a connection like that before. And when he was passing away in the middle of the night across my whole house, I woke up for no reason not feeling tired at all. Then something told me to go outside because I had to go get him. He died a few hours after that, and im broken hearted to this day. 

At the beginning of this whole thing, I created an athame. Its based off of the ones they sell here but I have yet to actually get my hands on. Its made of metal and stone, and the tip of the handle has a tigers head. This one is a regular athame but I was immediately moved to make it into something to defend me from malicious spirits as well. I immediately slipped it into a knife holder that happened to be around my waist.

I was going to the kitchen, as my deities had left, there were no pets running around in there (maybe Muffin, but I had been interuppted in the physical world so our session broke off), so I was lonely and wanted to explore. I immediately felt blocked from going in there, and a black figure flew out at me. I felt just about nothing from this experience so I dont think that part was real (and I will go into more detail about this in a second). I grabbed my knife, stabbed it in the head, and the spirit was passed out or whatever for a second. I took it outside and realized I could removed the black around it, it was just cloth. It was what appeared to be some sort of white teenager, but the look of him really made me feel like he was not modern times. I dont know. Ive never seen him before either, and again, I didnt feel any panic from this at all. Only when i got blocked from the kitchen.

When I had egregores, I had a nice home for them. But in the upstairs I would hate going to because a black figure would come up to me. I would feel panic and even feel this in the physical realm sometimes. It is not around me anymore I dont think, or if it is, its only kept in my mind so its something personal I would assume. He was banished long ago, I changed their house, and didnt see him ever again. I questioned that experience at the time but it felt more real than the one I had earlier today. I dont know. 

Long story short- met up with the deities, Hecate had to put her room next to my altar, new guards up, snake things happened, might have killed a spirit but maybe nah, maybe hung out with my deceased dog for just a few seconds.