#mans has been going thru it for the past...man i dunno-

[veilleur-de-nuit]

a pixel-art thing i whipped out for a history assignment :{

[thebuttsmcgee]

[lacharcutiere]

x2 [suna rintarō]

1k words

✯haikyuu!! masterlist✯

alcohol consumption, soft angst

mara comin thru w a fic based on My Real Life Experiences™️ oops, s/o to bri for being my hype man and sam (not on here) for also being my hype man and telling me i should j write fics about my real life because Mara is Accidentally Y/N™️. technically this is unfinished but i’m posting it like this bc it’s basically what actually happened to me n i don’t wanna make shit up for stuff i don’t remember lol

☾𓆙𓂻

two sips of vodka, two times you catch him staring at you in the span of a few seconds, two vapes he’s hitting at the same time, two hugs because he says “y’re not coming back” no matter how many times you laugh and tell him you promise you’ll see him around. the two of you in your mom’s old car, and it’s only the first time you’ve hung out properly, so there’s not two of that.

you were in front of his house just five minutes later than you said, waiting with the engine still running, kanye blasting. to aran’s first to pick up a bottle of vodka (mostly empty, actually, rin complained when he gets back in the car; he got ripped off), then to his, where you passed his sister on the stairs and she gave you a smile and a laugh, real ones. he led you into his room, where you sat on his bed awhile, and you commented about how clean it was (definitely not what you expected, and cleaner than yours at the moment) and he laughed and told you he’d manically cleaned it hours before. that’s where the two sips of vodka came in; all you drank that night because you had to be home by one. shortly after was the first time you caught him staring at you twice within maybe thirty seconds. the only other time anyone had ever looked at you like that had been when they were about to kiss you. you wondered if you wanted him to kiss you, too. instead you asked what he wanted to do, and he said, dunno, up to you, and you suggested drive around because after this you didn’t know if you’d ever be back in this town.

☁︎︎

through winding roads through the woods and past a country club, past the street you’ve lived on for the past ten years, and a quick circle through the parking lot of the middle school you went to.

“‘s where it all started,” you tell him, with a little sad laugh.

the alcohol’s beginning to hit him now, and he asks if you can stop at the gas station down the road so he can take a piss. he hits two vapes when he gets back in the car and laughs, ‘s how you know i’m drunk, he says.

☁︎︎

you drive all the way up to the town on the bay; there’s still snow and ice on the ground. it’s pretty, still with christmas lights strung on the trees lining the streets downtown. the two of you park near the boardwalk and get out; go down to the tiny little lighthouse to see if you can get inside, but there’s a padlock on the door and it’s fucking freezing and in the end you surrender and get back in the car.

☁︎︎

a while later he’s even more drunk, you’re not, obviously, because you’re driving down the interstate and also because you need to be home in a couple hours so you can finish packing because you’re going back to school tomorrow. and he’s going to stay here, or maybe not, because he’s got six days to decide if he wants to move away with his mom. if there’s nothing keeping you here, you tell him, do it.

“but, like,” he says, and it’s slurred a little and you’re behind the wheel, speeding down the highway, “i don’t wanna run away from everything, you know? wanna, like, resolve all my shit first.”

“but what shit do you have to resolve?”

he laughs. “dunno.”

“so do it, get outta this shitty town. i promise it’ll be good; ‘s what i did.”

he laughs again: “ha, you’re right, you’re right. maybe i will.”

☁︎︎

there are a couple moments where, as streetlights cast strange shadows on you as you drive past them and you listen to him speak, you wonder what the two of you could be.

☁︎︎

heading back to aran’s for a bit because… you don’t actually know, but why not, high school comes up in the conversation, and you say something about how you’re glad you’re no longer who you used to be and,

“what’re you talking about?”

“ha, what do you mean? you knew me in high school. sort of.”

“kidding, right? i know so many people who thought you were bad.”

you’re silent for a while, and he repeats it.

“…who?”

“like… samu! aran! lotsa guys!”

“i… what the fuck?”

“yeah, y’ kidding? everyone thought you were some, like, badass chick or whatever.”

you snort. “that’s news to me.”

“no ‘s not, you gotta know. ‘s why you got that thing ‘bout bein’ a catfish on your instagram isn’t it?”

“what? no, ha, that’s about, like, my personality—“

“but your personality’s what makes you not a catfish?”

“hah, oh my god, no, are you kidding, i’m nowhere near as cool as i seem, i’m a fucking nerd,” you laugh.

“nah exactly! y’d be a catfish if y’ didn’t have a personality but ya do. so you’re not a catfish, and you’re very pretty…”

he goes on and on talking. you smile at the road in front of you and just listen.

☁︎︎

the night ends where it began, too, with you sitting next to him on his bed—well, really he’s lying down now, but then he sits up again because oh yeah, rings! and you laugh and he fills your hands with rings and then you tell him, “alright, dude, i really have to go now,” and you stand.

what to say? “see you around?” you settle on, even though you're not sure you will.

it takes him a second to stand up, but he does. “hug?” his arms are open.

you walk into them.

“‘s gotta be a long hug, because you’re not comin’ back.”

you laugh a little. “yes, i am!”

“not comin’ back.”

“i am—”

“no. not comin’ back.”

he lets go after a while, and you’re heading to the door, the rings jingling in your pocket now, about to say, see ya, and he goes,

“two hugs, because you’re not coming back.”

you laugh and indulge him. this one’s longer than the first. he kisses your shoulder when you pull away. and then you're heading back downstair, you’re out the door, walking back to your car in the freezing fucking cold, wondering what just happened.

you think about what he said. you should just stay here, with me. we coulda been great friends. he’s right, you think. you wonder about wasted time, about how in high school you’d been so scared to leave what was comfortable, leave your shitty friends, so scared of what people like him thought of you, and all along the truth had been that they’d never seen you the way you saw yourself. it’s usually like that, isn’t it?

[hazelcephalopod]

The Great Hunt Ch 25-26

Arrivals and reunions while reluctantly and hilariously pulled into the various plots of the local nobles.

Disclaimer: this is my first read thru but I’ve watched all of the show thus far and been spoiled on some book things. So… I’m going to lean into that. Enjoy figuring out what I know, and what I think I know, and what I just don’t. Also s/x I add commentary when I edit.

Spoilers for the first and second book and all of season 1 under the cut. Potential spoilers for later books -idk if they’re light spoilers or not.

Ch 25: Cairhien

Sun on the horizon

POV Rand

Ah yes. He’s traveling with 50 Cairhienin soldiers to a city. Secretly has the horn. Hurin and Loial are there. Selene split (shame /s). He’s basically just accepted it’s easier to let everyone assume he’s a lord. He doesn’t tell them he is, they assume and at this point, that might as well happen. Less weird that his past couple (weeks? Days) anyway. (I soon learn they have intact arrived and all but entrees the city)

They crossed a bridge at Gaelin -no idea what that is- and Rand feels like the soldiers are guards. Good or bad (I soon learn it bothers Rand at least. But not Hurin and Loial. But honestly? Rand may be losing his sanity but I dunno if I trust Hurins judgement -he’s just placed all the choice making on Rand whose, very weird and only just not a child. And Loial seems confused by humans so I don’t really trust his either.)

…I do like Hurin but I have to say it.

South again!

Oh they are at the city. It is called Cairhien which is kinda confusing.

Ah. Foregate is literally just the name of part of the city. Apparently the city is basically an old city and what where once surrounding markets villages all grown and mashed together.

Rand, seeing this bustling, dirty, chaos of a city district ‘Neat!’ While asshole escort sneers in disdain

So apparently a lot of farmers and people around the Spine of the World moved here after the Aiel War. And presumably if this soldier is anything to go by some people are still irritated they never left (I soon learn it’s more than just because it crowds the city)

Also Cairhien is still in heavy denial about, how they lost the Aiel War (spoiler: extra funny considering how the Aiel feel about that)

Tbf it also caused a great diminishment in food production in Cairhien soo… pretty bad for them

They’ve run into a parade with giant puppets?

Puppets include. Various royalty(?). A lion with wings. A two headed goat breathing fire. A half cat half eagle. A bears head on a man’s body (probably a depiction of a Trolloc)

Galldrian, the king -also the asshole whose framing Capt Domon- clearly understands the philosophy of “Bread and circuses” then. Because apparently these sorts of parades are just an everyday thing here to keep the people placated. He is also having grown barged in from other kingdoms. Because Cairhien isn’t growing enough food itself

They also have Fireworks, done by a group called the Illuminators. Who have a chapterhouse in the city and operate primarily in Tanchino

Yea I don’t think you should leave rn for sure. One way or another it would get complicated

Now they’ve entered “Cairhien proper” which is basically the opposite of the Foregates chaos. All clean and orderly and not cramped.

They have those chairs people are carried around in. Sedan chairs.

Oh interesting. Bright colors for the lower class and dull and dark for the upper class. Interesting to see that here

“The Topless Towers of Cairhien.” -Loial when they see these tall towers which seem to be constantly under construction. And that really is a name isn’t it? Also, they are being rebuilt from when “…the towers burned, and cracked, and fell.” When the Aiel took Cairhien (I feel compelled to remind that this book was published in 1990)

No Ogier working on them today tho. They were last time Loial came thru

Apparently Cairhien don’t like embellishments. At least on their buildings. But the upper class doesn’t seem interested in it for their clothes either.

Loial doesn’t think Ogier would enjoy working here

The head soldier escort, Tavolin, just met with some new soldier -Asan Sandair- and the two of them stared at the large chest Loial has under a blanket and whispered. So… yea I think everyone knows something is up with that.

…also Asan is now announcing Rand as a Lord and shit. Lmao “House al’Thor”. Sure.

Rand just straight up asking for a good inn in the Forgate. Not where they are now. No. The lower class chaos town. I love him. Hurin is scandalized.

Oh they “have to” report back to Asan where they are staying tomorrow.

Hun. You adorable woolhead. You can’t opt of of Daes Dae’mar much less if you are masquerading as a lord in Cairhien (Editors note: to his credit he doesn’t argue he isn’t playing the Great Game. This time at least… just wait for it tho.)

"I need to find a young woman from Cairhien. The Lady Selene. She is my age, and beautiful. I don't know her House.” -Rand to Asan, a probably person of some rank. Ya know. Just the woman he was traveling with and seemed to allow everyone to believe was his wife or something.

Of course they do. They probably have little else to do but play make believe all the time (I known it’s dangerous politics but that is all made up)

Rand don’t worry. The best way to play such games is to leave everyone else absolutely confused about you. And there is little chance you are capable of any less without trying. (Imo) (probably wouldn’t change if he was trying)

Oh he’s feeling watched again. Seems like that’s bad

Lmao. I hope changing coats helps but I sincerely doubt they won’t recognize you despite it

…honestly they’ll think he’s trying to fit in because his current coat is too fancy here

Inn found: The Defender of the Dragonwall. Unsure where in the city. And the sign has someone about to kill an -ginger- Aiel. So… yea

Yes tall red headed young man staying at the inn I’m with that sign. I’m sure the looks you’re getting have most to do about the game and not anything else that has happened the past 20 years or so

…it’s the denial right? Probably that and his just being oblivious (I soon gain for evidence for both)

Based on the innkeepers dresses I’m guessing it’s the inner city still then. Which makes since cuz Hurin chose the inn.

Innkeeper: Cuale.

“He thought I was Aiel.” -(Rand) thinking to himself when he realizes why people are being weird when they see his group. Or one reason why

Ohh kiddo… I guess it’s the best plan you have. (Mainly I have doubt Selene is there but who fucking knows? He didn’t ask about her houses supposed symbol)

They gave him a very fancy room. But I honestly can’t remember if they have any money. I hope so

Rand’s going back to the Foregate because he doesn’t like how rigid and sad it is here. Loial is going to guard the horn and read. Partly to avoid other potential Ogier so they don’t ask him questions. Because he’s not really supposed to have left home yet

Hurin is going to stay and have a drink because it’s too rough for him in the Foregate. He’s also warned Rand that people in the Foregate could still be playing Daes Dae’mar.

Lol. Rand is just worried about loosing his cool shepherd cred with his friends. Not what might happen if he’s found to be seemingly lying about being a lord. No. Just ‘Perrin and Mat while make fun of me if they see this :(‘

He’s gotten three invitations form Noble houses thus far. Lol.

And now he’s declaring he’s not playing Daes Dae’mar. Which is hilarious. Yes. You are. Not playing is still playing. Thnx for playing (I soon learn Hurin agrees. And he tells Rand as much) (Editor’s note. Kinda hope he just keeps doing this shit. Because it really funny. Especially if people start “making moves” against him or whatever)

He’s so dramatic about it too. Telling everyone in the inn and throwing all the letters in the fire in front of them.

He found like a Shakespearean theatre building while wandering around the Foregate believing he fits in more or less

Not dead. According to Moiriane.

Stage magicians?! Pretending to be Aes Sedai?

Is it Thom? Some gleeman has caught his ear (I soon learn it is!)

He has at least two copper then

Thom!

Yup go to the mysterious back door Rand. Just straight there. (Genuinely think he should btw. Thom said too. He’s probably mostly trustworthy)

Yup. I’m guessing that fighting the Fade left him wounded. B/c that looked like a bad fight

The books title!

There’s The Karaethon Cycle mentioned again.

Fade was more interested in Rand and Mat than Thom. Says Thom at least.

Thom is disappointed Moiraine isn’t there. Fair

"So it was Mat or Perrin she was after. I won't ask which. They were good boys, and I don't want to know." -Thom to Rand when he does not see the others. & “Rand shifted uneasily…”

Lol. Rand just let’s people have their assumptions at this point.

Thom wants his shit back tho

Kinda sad Rand won’t have his lil flute anymore (I later learn that it will be ok. But still a bit sad)

Sir I am happy to say you are wrong about good Capt Domon. His crew? Perhaps not, some of them probably spilled. The cap is solid tho

Thom has told Rand to meet him at-

Inn: The Bunch of Grapes, in Jangai Gate

He wants his shit back a lot

Ch 26: Discord

Harp

POV Rand

He is! It is great!

The fact that Loial is basically a runaway teenager who is mainly worried about going back home because he’s may be in big trouble

Oh and Rand just telling Loial he can just come home to Emonds Field and live there instead -if he gets exiled.

Pretty sure Ogier have to live at steddings for some as of yet revealed reason hey there’s the stedding where that Hawkwing statue was! Don’t think Rand knows about that tho. Any of that

Rand just really wants Loial to meet -his one of many dads- Thom.

… I just can bring my self to be mad for Loial tho. Which is probably for the best (tbc Loial does not want to go. And Rand is very much somehow making him)

Rand is just acting… idk, so excited as to be interpreted by me as manic (editors note: he could just be happy to see Thom. But s/x hard to tell with Rand)

They found the inn

Someone named Dena will let them wait for Thom in his room. ???

Rand still hasn’t gotten a new coat. Pretty sure the pattern won my let him at this point.

Dena is the woman in her 20’s sharing a room with Thom. Met while juggling six balls at once. So she must be cool

"Thom always moans about losing the best flute and the best harp he ever had. You would think he was a court-bard, the way he carries on.” -Dena.

Dena wants to the the first woman gleeman. Which, good for her. Cool. I hope she succeeds.

She also wants to see the whole world. I hope she gets to.

Apparently Sea Folk like gleeman too (honestly so far everyone does)

It is indeed a lot of chests for travelers yea

Thom!

… no. Plz no. (Editors note: dreaded it from the moment it was revealed they were sharing the room)

I’m not writing that. No

I think that’s called an acting troupe for historical scenes. And Thoms rage that this one exists is pretty funny tbh

Kn*ves?! She’s doing either knife throwing or stabbing. Or both

At least Thom respects her skill.

… just let her be a gleeman. Ffs… (Thom wants her to be a court bard. So, there’s that)

Aaaand he just told Thom he has the horn in this inn room. At least Dena left before

Do Ogier usually have beards?

Thom does not believe him. B/c that is ridiculous

Has become convinced Rand has the Horn.

Thom wants no part in this

Rand asked about books with The Karaethon Cycle. And Thom gave just the longest reply. Yes there are books in libraries in the Old Tongue and translated

And tells him a particularly difficult part to translate- “Twice and twice shall he be marked, // twice to live, and twice to die. // Once the heron, to set his path. // Twice the heron, to name him true. // Once the Dragon, for remembrance lost. // Twice the Dragon, for the price he must pay.” & “Twice dawns the day when his blood is shed. // Once for mourning, once for birth. // Red on black, the Dragon's blood stains the rock of Shayol Ghul. // In the Pit of Doom shall his blood free men from the Shadow.”

Rand bud. You are just so sus. Sending Loial away. Asking about the Cycle. Insisting you won’t allow the Aes Sedai to use you as a False Dragon or control you. And pretty sure Thom thinks you are sus too at this point (I soon learn Rand is somewhat aware of this)

“For a time, boy, I thought your were the one Moiraine wanted…” -Thom.

Also that at least is some decent advice/support. ‘Not a man’s fault if he can channel, just a thing that happens to him like falling ill’

Yup. Thoms nephew could channel and the Reds gentled him and he died. “He just gave up wanting to live. . . .” -Thom

B/c you’re the Dragon kiddo!

Owyn could channel for three years before he was found by the Reds. He only acted odd in the last year. And, according to Thom, he only channeled when he had to to protect his village

Noo. In love with Dena? Really?

Well… Thom said he wouldn’t go with Rand to help with the Horn. Asked for “a clean break” and gave him his spare flute. Doesn’t want to deal with all the Darkfriends and Shadowspawn and shit. So that’s disappointing. Kinda (editors note: I’m not even that mad at Thom. Like. I get it. He doesn’t want to get dragged that in and die or have to watch Rand die. Or learn what he fears befell the others)

Very sad for Rand certainly

POV change! Thom?!

Innkeeper: Zera (of Grapes)

Lol. Thom didn’t even realize Rand was dressed like a lord until Zera pointed it out to warn him not to go playing Daes Dae’mar

…which probably just means he’s all the more likely to take it up

Oh! Apparently Thom *used* to play

According to Zera the game has become quite dangerous in Cairhien unlike Caemlyn. They are doing murder now. (Doubt they weren’t always doing some of these tho)

He hasn’t played in ~20 years

Plz do the opposite of everything she is saying Thom

So Thom has been playing for lords and such. Going to play for a Lady Arilyn and guests that night

And again he once thought Rand could channel (lol)

“He is out of it… and so am I.” -Thom about he and Rand playing the game. And probably other things but probably primarily Daes Dae’mar. Right?

[darlington-v]

HELLO YES IS ONE OF(?) THE FELLOW TRANSMASC BEEDUO ENJOYERS, RESPONDING AFTER A MULTIDAY DELAY.

CANT BELIVE THAT HANDHOLDING SHIT.

As someone else who has (on a certain level) like, made that connection, of someone I can be very affectionate with, but am still in the gender closet with for various reasons. I can absolutely understand your impulse and the preassure... a lot of my hesitation is based around a fear of going against some kind of perceived "ground work" in that relationship. And then I get frustrated because in this relationship and others i just would not have to think so much about this and how I present myself if I had just been born a cisguy. I am also just yearning for bro friendships where I'm just perceived as a dude from the get-go, even if I end up acting ""feminin"" or some shit.

But when I think about all the relationships I've had, I wouldn't want to have "skipped over" any of them, even if I wasn't, or didn't start by presenting my truly authentic self. I can't bring myself to regret or fully resent any of those connections, even if in my heart I can't always regard them as 100% "valid" or "genuine" in the context of how I know I was/am perceived and how I present. I dunno, I hope that makes sense, and helps in some way... I guess what im trying to say is, even if I have wishes and yearnings of how things could be different, I still am happy to have had the relationships I've had.... and I know ill just keep meeting new folks and either things will work out or they wont, and that'll be ultimatly for the best...

But hughu its also kinda silly when I think about it, that some internet dudes make me confront and think about all this shit. But it also does make sense too.

I don't know its very hard to explain, feel free to just ignore all this.

yes!!!! i TOTALLY understand this!

it's really frustrating because i would love to seek out other communities and environments that may lead into relationships similar to that of like??? SAME AFFECTION????? but im afraid to put myself out ANYWHERE new because i don't want to be perceived as like... woman-lite or anything. i don't want anyone to have to rethink how they perceive me i just wanted to present in the way that i feel.

similarly to what you said, i don't want to build something on "ground-work" i know i'll have to break down and like. make the REAL ground work pretty much?

and yeah! same! i get frustrated as well because it would just be much easier to deal w/ if i was just. cis. but i don't dwell on that too much, luckily

however i still run into the same issue: (more long winded venty shit below, ur invited to me being extremely vulnerable on the internet have fun)

how can i deal with this and make this easier for myself? is it... achievable even? like! yeah! how can i simply start new relationships with this... pre-established certainty of "that is a Boy! a BONAFIDE boy!" like... not even cis but just.

i struggle with the idea that most people who aren't trans will like... not... TRULY respect my identity? like behind closed doors. which is something i know a lot of trans people struggle with and honestly that is... our own issue in regards to trust. if no one throws and red flags that they don't actually respect your identity, then you really just have to trust that they do.

it's just... honestly putting conditions on like. your trust i guess. PERSONALLY. like im putting conditions on myself such as: if i present masculine then people will respect my identity and assimilate to how i identify, even if i don't present that yet.

which... usually isn't the case? people may take longer to assimilate but if someone is going to respect you, you can usually tell. or i feel like i can.

however. i guess. i want to shortcut the assimilation? but it's unfair to me to just put myself on hold until i don't need to ask people to like. REALLY understand liek HEY. THAT PITCHY MOTHERFUCKER IS A DUDE. because it's hard. and i, in my tiny pea brain, feel like a shortcut would just already be presenting male boy man MASCULINE. however, like i said, it's unfair for me to put that on myself bc that's a LONG time to wait!! that's coming out, getting a new wardrobe, and ALSO getting HRT!! that doesn't just happen in one day.

i explained to some friends that like. sometimes i wish i could just present a certain way and then no one could really ever know me intimately.

and it's definitely not that im... ASHAMED of being trans!! it's very nice and cool! however i feel sad that like... we're still adjusting as a society in terms of like... gender i guess? like... i do not want to be seen as woman-lite by anyone. in any degree. and sometimes you need a deeper understanding of gender to get past like... the weird like. ok he's... he's boy but like kinda not boy??

IT'S JUST. MMM. BEING PERCEIVED AND NOT INTERPRETTED CORRECTLY IS VERY TERRIFYING AND I HATE IT AND UR RIGHT BEING CIS WOULD BE EASIER, I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO BE CIS, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO EMULATE CISNESS WHILST REMAINING QUEER WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

however same!!! the relationships i have now i love and i care very deeply about and i feel that like... even though they've known me before i was like "ok masc and he/they" and shit like that, i do feel like they understand like

*points* boy!!

however when it comes to strangers it's so... scary. and like IDK. ITS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE. AND IT'S WHY I WANT TO LIKE? EXPLORE THE COMMUNITY FOR OLDER TRANS PEOPLE. LIKE HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS???? how can you just BE OKAY when like... introducing yourself to strangers.

how can you just let... strangers in?

which is also *THROWS THINGS* THE WORST PART!!! I WANT TO BE A CONTENT CREATOR BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!! I WANT MY VIEWERS TO GO BOY BOY BUT THEY WONT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FORM OF PRESENTATION BESIDE A PERSONA AND A VOICE AND MY VOICE IS PITCHY!!! ITS SO HIGH AND PITCHY!!!

and it's frustrating!! because i don't want an audience who doesn't like understand BOY!!! NOT WOMAN-LITE!!!!!!! NOT WOMAN GOING THRU PHASE!!!!!

BOYYYYY!!!!!

TLDR;

being trans is hard and i just don't want to be seen as woman-lite. i want to bee seen as like cis boy but trans. like i think i'd take more kindly to someone being like "omg i didn't even know you were trans!" to like someone infantilizing me and calling me a sweet little boy bean. and thats a lot easier between close friends! even though they have heard my voice and they've listened to me talk about being trans! they understand. and strangers?? have the potential to not. like they might? but what if they dont... and that's. Scary.

[bixbythemartian]

Hi! Im relatively new to your blog, found you thru the princess & warlock story today. Happy 1300! Prompt; cats are always meowing at (character). House cats stray cats friends' cats even that one time at the zoo. They figure hey, cats are just cute chatty little friends, but really they always had something important to say.

Thank you! Also, you accidentally picked one of my favorite things in the world to write about, so this got loooong.

Cats. Cats always chat at me. It’s been going on for most of a year. I have no idea why. Every stray cat I see has to walk up to me and chatter at me. It’s to the point where I carry kitty treats. 

My friend, Tara, has three cats and they all have to come meow at me. Every time I come over. It’s a cacaphony of meowing for like five minutes. Tara says they’re usually pretty quiet, and they almost never meow unless, like, something’s up. (Sometimes ‘something’s up’ means ‘there’s a coat hanger on my favorite cushion’ because, well, cats.) 

Maybe it’s a pheromone thing? Cats think I smell like someone they need to talk to? They’re pretty friendly.

(Sometimes I think they’re trying to cheer me up because my old cat, the General, passed away. It’s kind of nice and kind of sad to think about at the same time, so I don’t think about it too often.)

It’s kind of fun to go to the zoo. Cheetahs meow, did you know? It’s cute as heck! “Who’s the fastest land mammal?” “Meow. Meow!” 

Tigers, uh, do not meow, honestly. I mean they are really big, like, chesty animals so they have a kind of deep growl, but they kind of... bellow at me? They yell. Tigers and Lions yell at me. It’s damn near human sounding.

The looks I get from zookeepers, I’m telling you.

And I swear at one point I had this bobcat, like, out of nowhere walk up and start meowing at me. I tell people about it and they’re like ‘yep, that’s our Ella’ but like seriously that was kind of a bowl quaking moment.

Like, regular house cats can mess you up if they lose their shit at you, and bobcats are fucking stacked, you know? They’re not, like, Lion big but they’re bigger than a lot of dogs, and when it comes right up to you and is like “hey” it is kind of frightening, let me tell you! 

It was clearly friendly, which was super weird. It actually did that love rub thing on my ankles as I tried valiantly not to piss itself.

It kept talking to me!

I said “I’m sorry, cat friend, I don’t know what you’re saying,” and gave it cat treats. What else was I gonna do? It did accept my offering of treats and gave me a mildly reproachful look as it wandered off.

Cats, right? 

Well, no, actually. This wasn’t a ‘cats, man’ type situation. 

So I went to another friend. A... witchy friend, shall we say. She’s kinda weird but in a good way. She’s got a really normal apartment but there’s this one closet that locks that I’ve only ever glimpsed inside of.

Well, I went to her and told her what was up. She owed me a favor anyway, you know? 

Well, I told her after her little tiny black cat, Squirt, got done talking to me.

The witch- she’s asked that I don’t name her, because of Reasons- nodded. “I noticed that,” she said. “I wondered if you’d ask me about it.”

“Do you know what’s going on?”

“No idea!” she said cheerfully, and unlocked the closet.

It was a storage closet? It had nothing weird inside. She dug around in it and pulled out a book, which she flipped through for a minute. It looked like a hand-written journal. “Okay, I think I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Let you understand them. They’ve got something important to say, right?”

“Well, they seem to think so. I thought it was like, I dunno, a pheromone thing.”

“Yeah, that’s why came to me,” she said.

“Well... okay.”

“So we wanna facilitate interspecies communication, right? Do you have a cat?”

“Naw, not since the General died. I couldn’t...”

“Oh, yeah,” she said. “I gotcha. No, that’s fair.”

“Every stray cat in the neighborhood hunts me down.”

“Good, cause you’re not taking Squirt.’

I turned and looked at Squirt. “Hear that?”

“Maow,” Squirt replied. 

I followed her to her kitchen, where she started pulling all the spices out of the cabinet.

“I thought all your witchy shit was in the closet.”

“All my valuable shit is in the closet. I’m a kitchen witch. Any allergies?”

“Latex?”

“Shouldn’t be an issue.” She mixed up a cup of tea, stirring. “It’s got a bit of a kick.”

“For real?”

“Try it.”

The tea was warm and floral at first, and then there was a sort of spiciness that was kind of floral as well? And then it kicked me in the back of the throat. I wheezed.

“I warned ya!”

“You did,” I wheezed.

“Drink past it, you’ll be okay.”

The next sip was easier, and tempered with honey. I finally drained it all down, the last drop was honey sweet, though my lips still burned.

“Okay, go for a walk and see what happens.”

“Is this how you do all your magic?”

“Yep! Let me know, I’m curious.”

“Kay,” I said, and let myself back out.

I walked down the street, and then found a side path towards the park, and headed that way.

A stray cat came up to me, and rubbed it’s head on my ankles.

“Oh, now you don’t talk?” I asked.

“We talk,” it said.

I jumped.

“You listen now,” it said.

“Okay, yeah.”

“Come with me,” it said.

“I’m coming, lead the way,” wondering what exactly the witch had put in that tea. It led me to the park, and to the wooded area behind it, through a path that must be mostly used by cats and deer, to a little clearing. Around the edge was a bunch of trash you’d expect in a little clearing near civilization- beer cans and condom wrappers and food trash- and also an absolute herd of friggin cats.

“Oh. Hey. Everybody.”

One tiny cat, maybe still a kitten, came from the back, dodging and weaving. “Hello,” it said. “You have learned that you understand.”

“Sure,” I said. “Seems like y’all had something important to say.”

“The General has traveled to his next life.”

“Yeah. Y’all knew him, huh?”

“It is hard, when an old friend leaves. You have had time to mourn, yes?”

“Yeah. Wait, you want me to get a new cat? That’s the important thing?”

“Yes. New friend. Now you can understand, and talk to us.”

“Why is that important?”

They all kind of looked around, and an old fluffy orange cat that looked something like a matted cushion limped forward. It stared at her, one eye gone milky with age. “My mistress is dying,” it said, simply. “She is the cat witch, the one we speak to. She is dying.”

“You can understand us.”

“We knew you could learn the words.”

“You must help us.”

“Okay, okay, I can’t- settle, please, I can’t understand when you talk at the same time. Okay. So you want me to get a cat and talk to y’all because you need a cat witch.”

“Yes,” the ancient marmalade cat said.

“Why do you need a cat witch?”

“Tis an ancient bargain we struck, when the world was younger. Cat witches speak to us, help us carry our culture. We are so shortlived, you can carry it longer. They learn our magic. We protect.”

“So... I should go to the animal shelter then. No offense, but I have friends and whatever magic lets me get along with y’all-”

“Most of us are not tame enough to live indoors, you are right,” a really big tom said. “We have not elected. It is a choice between you and your next friend.”

“Well, okay. Um, should I- do you want me to talk to your- your mistress?”

The marmalade cat preened. “Yes. I will lead you to her. It is not far, even for humans.” There was a little snickering, which I ignored.

I followed the marmalade cat to a little old lady’s house and knocked.

She immediately scooped up the purring old cat. “There she is, Miss Betsy! Oh, you found her!”

“Yeah.” I glanced at the hilariously named Miss Betsy, but Miss Betsy was too busy purring and drooling. I sighed. “She said I needed to talk to you about this cat witch thing,” I said.

“Oh good, they found one. Yes, come in. Come in. I just made some tea, would you like some?”

I mean, I could go on, but long story short I have a new cat and an old book. Pookie is really taking to the harness, we go for walks every day and talk to the neighborhood cats. 

I try to talk to them about the dying songbird population but that’s... well, the progress hasn’t been great, honestly. I’ll keep chipping at it. I have gotten a few of them fixed, the ones who are tired of watching their kittens die. And I have taken in and fostered and rehomed so many kittens. Fortunately, stray cats are good at finding money. I don’t ask where it comes from, it’s probably better that way. 

I’m trying to get my neighbors on the harnessed cat thing and that is going pretty well, actually, especially since I am pretty good at convincing cats to wear them long enough to get used to them. Also I kind of have a... rep, now. 

So things are going as well as can be expected.

Let me tell you what, though, I am fucking pumped to go back to the zoo. 

[eerythingisshaka]

Hey girl. I dunno if you’re raking requests or not but if you are could I request another Tchalla/Nakia fic where it’s post-snap and the snap is reversed so everyone comes back, and Tchalla and Nakia have this emotional reunion but the real reunion happens when they’re finally alone for the whole night? Thanks ma!

I do requests!  I just don’t advertise it, but I’ll consider any polite asks lol.  But here is a quick something for you.  The snap is still a fresh sore spot for me, so I hope you don’t mind I don’t get dirty in this one, but the love is there!

A King named Snapback

“SHIT!”  Okoye yells as she falls to on the sand pit in the lab.  M’Baku helps her up but she bats him away.

“I am fine.  But I lost sight of the fight.  Something severely damaged the remote aircraft.”  Okoye goes over to a window and looks outside.

“Maybe you should’ve gone with them up there in the atmosphere.”  M’Baku offers, joining her at the window.

“Tsk!  Shooting myself up into space in a manned aircraft that’s manufactured in a style we haven’t operated since the 90s?  Let them figure that one out, I am not turning myself into an asteroid for their cause.  They brought their problems here and didn’t even offer to replant the grass!”  Okoye rants.

M’Baku grips his staff in front of him purposefully.  “Your words sound familiar…like the ones of an estranged love…”

Okoye waves him off, looking further into the sky.  “If anyone should have been turned to dust, it should have been him!”

Footsteps approach behind them belonging to Nakia.  

“Okoye, what happened?  Is the fight over yet?”  

“Not yet.  The purple one was being bombarded until that gauntlet activated again and ruined our ship.  It is nearly destroyed, I just hope they can do it.”

Nakia crosses her arms, anxiously pacing the floor.  “Do you know if we can get another ship to them in time?  Maybe several!  Shuri’s notes should be around somewhere about it…”

M’Baku speaks up.  “We would not have time to do that, not for as long as Okoye was fighting in there.  It is a big mess, we are lucky to still be here as is.  If anything we must start to think about ourselves again and what this outcome means to our survival.”

“We’ve barely kept our head above water for this past year.  The tribes are still in shambles having their populations cut so dramatically and elders being replaced hastily.  Our vibranium deposits are lessened and our borders completely cut off from the rest of the world.  There is only so much more that we can do.”  Okoye rambles.

Nakia breathes out deeply.  “It has been too long.  We haven’t had a royal descendant head this nation since T’Challa and….Shuri were both….”  Nakia’s voice hitches on their words, beginning to tremble as it fades out.  The room fell silent between the three, all affected by power of Thanos and left to fend for themselves to piece back together some normalcy.  

The throne was not filled officially.  The remaining elders and shaman folk were at odds on how to replace T’Challa’s leadership so soon after regaining the throne from Erik.  The priority of their time and effort was spent on instead cleaning up the destruction left behind from the battle with the space creatures, and making sure their people still had the necessities to keep the country alive.

“So we will wait on updates regarding the others still fighting, but all we can do is pray that this will come to an end and go about our business here, as always.”  Nakia says softly.  She has been a strong backbone for everyone but it was not an easy load for her to carry. 

 With M’Baku’s and Okoye’s help, they had made great strides for Wakanda’s reconstruction, but when the business calmed down and she was left to her own mind, all she could think about was T’Challa and what he must be going through, if he was even still alive.  Okoye described to her what happened, but Nakia still couldn’t believe Bast would take him after all he had went through before.  

“Eh, what is that there?”  M’Baku points with his staff by the window.  Nakia and Okoye look out unsure.

“Is it one of those creatures with the blue blood?”  Okoye asks, preparing herself with her spear in hand.

Nakia holds a hand up for pause.  “No, it’s crawling slowly.  How would it get past the barriers?”

��I will go and look.  You both may join me if it’s your choice.”  M’Baku says before heading down to the flatlands to inspect the unknown intruder.  Nakia and Okoye can’t sit idly by and follow close behind.

Once they reach the clearing, the shape becomes more clear.  Clad in black, tightly fitting around their body.

“Bast!  Have the ancestors gifted us a miracle??”  Okoye asks, completely flabbergasted by what she is seeing.

“T’CHALLA!”  Nakia screams, running toward his body with all the speed she could muster.  She does a baseball slide next to him, running her hands along his back softly.

“T’Challa, speak to us.  Are you hurt?”  M’Baku kneels down and asks as Okoye and Nakia take their time to flip T’Challa over to face them.  His color is pale, and somewhat smaller framed, but alive and breathing.

Nakia feels for his pulse in his neck when his eyes begin to flutter open.  “Nakia…”

Nakia’s eyes blur from tears that she quickly tries to bat away.  “Yes, I am here with you.  Finally, you’re back!”

He strains to sit up, which Okoye scolds quickly.  “You stay there, kumkani.  I will call the Dora to-”

Her voice cuts off when she looks off across the clearing again.  People were beginning to show again.  Randomly generating back to the grounds, their bodies moved slowly but they were all alive and back home one by one.

“HAHA!! Wakanda is back!  My Jabari are coming home!”  M’Baku exclaims as he heads thru the crowd to claim some of his men.

Nakia hooks her arm through T’Challa’s to help bring him to standing.  “T’Challa, let’s get you to seek emergency care.”

“Where….Shuri.”  T’Challa asks gruffly before coughing up a storm.  Nakia looks at him with concern.  

“We haven’t seen her since you disappeared.”

“All is well!  Look who is back!”  Okoye gleams as M’Baku carries an exhausted Shuri in his arms.  

Nakia becomes overwhelmed with joy.  The pressures of the past year melt away in an instant as things appear to go back to normal again.  Hopefully the majority of folks were not permanently affected.

T’Challa looks up to see his sister.  “Shuri!”  

“She is going to be ok.  She is just as well as you are.”  M’Baku states as T’Challa looks her over in his arms.  

“I am assembling help to treat those coming back.  T’Challa and Shuri should go up to the lab for private exams.”  Okoye says.

“Do you need me on the ground here?”  Nakia asks.

“You go with T’Challa, I have this.  M’Baku, be careful with the princess.”  Okoye warns before heading  back to the crowd of unsnapped individuals.

In the lab, M’Baku sets Shuri down and wishes them well before returning to help the folks on the ground.  Nakia holds on to T’Challa’s hand as health technicians take his vitals and hook him up with patches and fast acting tablets to boost his nutrition and immunity levels.  T’Challa checks in with Nakia periodically.

“How were you?”  T’Challa asks sleepily.

“I am fine, it is you we need to think about right now.”  Nakia says.

“How were you?”  T’Challa asks again and Nakia finally gets it.  Her mouth quivers a bit as T’Challa squeezes her hand tightly.

“I managed.  This was exponentially worse than before when I…we thought I lost you.  Then, I still had everyone else I knew here with me to set me confidence in and plan for the future.  T’Challa, we not only lost you, but the princess and HALF of our people.  I have never seen the country so quiet and bleak.”  Nakia says shaking her head.

T’Challa’s hand reaches her cheek.  “Thank Bast it is over now.”

“How can you be sure of that?  What happened when you were gone?  Do you remember?”

T’Challa looks off into the distance going blank in the face.  “It was….dark.  Completely absent of light but the sounds I heard were loud, distorted and heinous.   I heard suffering and torture, but no one in sight so I was no help to them.  I swear I was on the brink of insanity, I called the ancestors as often as I could concentrate but it was the first time I truly felt forsaken.”  T’Challa’s jaw tightens thinking back to his predicament.

Nakia swallows the rock in her throat, fighting back her emotions as much as she could.  “I couldn’t help you this time.  There was no way any of us could help you.  I’m so sorry T’Challa.”

He shakes his head lightly and tuts at Nakia.  “Do not do that.  You are not to blame for any of this.  You did exactly what I needed you to do.  Keep calm, and take care of Wakanda.”

“You are Wakanda to me.  Without you, after everything that has happened…I can’t lose you again T’Challa.”  Nakia whimpers, holding her face in her hands and getting up.  As she walks away a group of shaman elders come, adorned in their purple garments.

“Kumkani, we must bring you to the garden area to restore you.”  One says as two help him up on either side of him.

“Nakia, wait.”  T’Challa calls after her.

Nakia stops but doesn’t turn around.  “I am not use to this, T’Challa.  I need a moment to process you being back and knowing this isn’t a dream, but you better go and build back your strength.  I won’t tell you twice.”  Nakia warns him before walking out.  

T’Challa lays back on his exam bed thoughtfully.  He sees where Nakia is coming from, but is she ready to see for herself?

“Get him out of my lab so I can properly rest.”Shuri groans drowsily in her canopy off to the side.  

T’Challa smirks at her small frame bundled up in border tribe blankets.  “Rest well, sister.”

Later that evening, Nakia sits in the royal chambers staring out of an opening in the room overseeing the landscape of Wakanda.  More lights were shone in the buildings and streets than there had been for a while.  She breathed in deeply the night air, peacefully coming back to the idea of normal.

The bed shifts beside her as she turns to see T’Challa joining beside her.

“Are you well?”  Nakia asks in a flat tone.

T’Challa leans his elbows in his knees looking out in the same direction as she is.  “I am.  I needed some time with my father again in the ancestral plane, and the elders cooked a good meal to bring back my strength.  I was hoping to see you there at dinner as well.”  

Nakai can feel T’Challa’s eyes on her but she would not meet his gaze.  “I know but, I was not ready.  It’s just…so soon.”

“Do you wish I was gone for longer?”  T’Challa asks with a smile in his voice.

“Don’t joke like that!”  Nakia hisses, tensing up.  “Everyone was gone, so many things we had to start from scratch.  The vibranium mines are backed up with materials, the river irrigation system is only partly functioning.  I have so much to consider-”

“Nakia.”  T’Challa says with soft command, grabbing her wrist to bring her hand into his gently.  Her eyes fall to his action, falling silent from her rambling.

“Nakia, you have done exactly what you always do: take charge and lead others.”

“No.  I watch out for myself.  As a spy, I am on solo missions all the time, I work well alone.  There’s no one else to look after and depend on, it’s easier that way.”

“You aren’t selfish, Nakia.  You’re the least selfish individual I know.  You are very important and have been for a long time.”

“I know, that is why I am a War Dog and representative for my tribe.”  Nakia says matter-of-factly.

T’Challa runs his fingers along her knuckles carefully, drawing small circles on her skin.  “I do not mean you are important to only the country, Nakia.  You are important to me.  You have saved my life twice now.”

“I did not this time, that’s what I’m saying!”  Nakia says.

“You did.  With the time you spent here.  You stayed, you didn’t give up despite my absence.”

“I couldn’t make myself believe you were dead.”  Nakia whispers, looking into his eyes tearfully.  

“I never was.  Neither time was I, and you pushed on.”

Nakia found it hard to shake her feeling of uncertainty.  “T’Challa, how do we do this?”

T’Challa sighs deeply.  “With patience, faith.”

Nakia bites her lip, resting her head on T’Challa’s shoulder.  “And if you leave again, what should I do?”

“I wouldn’t worry about that.  I never go very far.”  T’Challa says, wrapping his arm around her.  Their bodies soften into one another.

“I know, I just never expected to have to worry about your death so soon.  And back to back at that, tsk.”

“You have much more willpower than I could imagine having inside of me.  You do not give up, therefore I do not give up.  You are the spirit I carry in my heart to keep going.  How can I fail?”

Nakia give T’Challa a small smile, reaching for the back of his neck, giving it a light massage.  “When you fight, I will fight twice as hard.”

T’Challa yawns stretching dramatically.  “Then you must be very tired, fighting with me all day is exhausting.”

“We are not fighting!  I love you too much too much lay a hand on you.”  T’Challa pauses, only smiling for a few seconds, making Nakia nervous.  “What?”

“You love me, you say?”  T’Challa questions.  

“That is no secret, T’Challa.”  Nakia answers.

“No and I love you too.”  T’Challa says, leaning in to softly kiss Nakia’s lips.  Nakia feels herself shake a little, overwhelmed by his gentle touch.  She dreamed many nights for this day to come, and if this happened to be another one, she prayed she never awaken again.

“…but I don’t love you too much to keep my hands off of you.”  T’Challa quips, feeling along her thighs, through a slit in her dress.

Nakia’s hands snake around his neck, filled with bliss.  “Don’t you dare take them away.”

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

[deeeelightfuldee]

What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?

in my best dreams id love to go to bed at like 745/8. but my brain doesnt shut down like that, and i tend to be very productive at night. Maybe one day tho

What is you favorite type of lunch meat?

uhhhhh turkey

What time of the year do you dislike the most?

summer heat.

Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?

ew no.

What is your favorite color to wear?

so I have historically worn a lot of darker colors but I’m trying to be intentional about making my life romantic and I need to introduce more color.

Are you an overachiever?

in most respects, yes

What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?

smaller size, sharper jawline, thicker hair (not a LOT thicker, just mildly)

What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry?

mr. darcy omfggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?

no. never

What is your favorite thing about your life?

that no matter what, God has always provided and had a better plan

Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?

as a kid, all the time.

Did you enjoy your past relationships?

in most respects. each of them was good for a time.

Name a comedy that you like.

four christmases

Could you wait until marriage for sex?

that was the plan

What was the last thing that impressed you?

ummm that the plumber was able to get the roots out of the drain as easily as he did.

When was the last time you were in a pet store?

last summer. We were going to get benny a little bro/sis but with covid everyone was adopting animals like crazy out here.. so the ones they had were on these enormous wait lists where you would go thru an interview, a HOME INSPECTION, and had to bring all your other animals in to meet said rescue. it was ridiculous. 

What nationality is your last name?

dutch

What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?

ems crack dip with uhhh the wavy lays

Who was the last boy that you saw cry?

uhh hm. hmmmmmmm... I honestly can’t recall

Does your mom know you do surveys?

I dunno, tbh

Have you ever had a serious injury?

I mean, somewhat. Not anything I discuss tho lol

What was the last thing you achieved?

surviving vid!

Would you enjoy being famous?

i doubt it. I’m pretty introverted and even though I get along very easily with people, my batteries charge best when im by myself or home. I would very much like the income though lol.

What’s under your bed?

I plan to go thru it soon! I’m trying to gather all my kile memories and I know I have like jewelry paperwork, cards from flowers, letters, etc. that need to be pulled. :(

Do you enjoy travelling?

Love it.

Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?

absolutely. thats a long, long list. lots of academic, Christian, honors, volunteer, and youth group types.

When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?

oh geez, maybeeeeeee 15 years?

Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?

no. that was never my thing. 

Do you have a clock in your room?

No. My old cable box had the besttttttt time light. I miss having a small clock. I mentioned this to mom how we spent like forever looking for replacements after we changed cable providers. We didn’t want red or green, but the white. Now this makes me want to find one for my room. mom has a google device so shes set lol.

Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?

I had the most phenomenal teacher. tho when it came to actual driving appointments (after the class periods) I often got paired with this older fella who constantly berated me over being homeschooled and telling me he was going to report me to the state. eventually I stood up to him, handed him the HSLDA contact card (home school legal defense association) and encouraged him to report me all he wanted. he stopped attacking me finally. it was awful. but the other gentleman was hilarious and fun.

Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?

ohhhhhh mer gersh i love so many of her songs. this answer would definitely change depending on the week but this week its a tie between gimme more and circus. 

Does mind over matter work for you?

in most respects

Are you paranoid?

i can be at times.

What is the best thing about winter?

OOOOOoo good gravy this is a long list. I love the calm. I love the way the air is thick and cold and how quiet it becomes. I love hearing the sound of snow falling. I love the glitter haze it leaves. I love the way it feels like the house wraps you up in a warm hug when you come in from the cold. I love the way candles and a fire in the fireplace make everything so cozy. I love the glow of twinkling lights, white and colored, just casting the most beautiful and dreamy cast on the neighborhood. I love the food and drinks that make you feel full and ready for a deep sleep. I love the clothes and the bundling up, the scarves, the hats, the mittens. I love the music and the way no matter where you go, there are carols playing the sweetest love songs. I love the way decorations come up and people display their much-loved memories in the form of ornaments on their trees. I love seeing the elaborate wrapping styles of packages around the tree and filling up the stockings. I love seeing the snowmen and igloo designs displayed with pride in the front yards around town. I love the way the world gets dark so early, yet.. there is light reflecting off the mounds of snow. I love the way the early night allows for early comfy flannel pajamas and thick wool socks and sleep. I love the curling up under a giant mound of blankets and reading a book. I love thinking about the joy on other’s faces when they open gifts that were cultivated for their happiness. I love the rereading of the beloved passages of scripture where we recall the reason for the season. I just love it all. 

Have you ever been truly in love?

yes. 2 times, how lucky I was. 

Are you currently planning a trip?

I was not. I probably could stand to be home for a bit. 

How many plants are in your home?

honestly, no clue at this point. I’ve been locked away coming up on a month. I dunno how many we have right now.

What is your favorite possession?

hmm. boy this is hard. It used to be my ring kile got me. I feel weird saying my favorite things are from him lately, so maybe my stained glass lamp. 

Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?

I am a nice person majority of the time and I would say I have been overlooked from time to time but I definitely do not behave nicely in order to be noticed.

What movies have tripped you out?

eh, I’m not entirely sure. 

Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?

nope. I was so prone to breaking my ankles that it just absolutely was not for me. I tried a couple times, but couldn’t grasp the hang of it.

Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?

no. this life is way too precious and too short to be spent laying next to someone who isn’t right for me. I have no intentions of settling. I do know of friends who have settled just to have someone near. It makes me so sad. The thought of settling like that just destroys me. Not to mention how unfair it is to the other person. Idk. Just sad sad sad.

Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?

no nudity. 

Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?

no. I would be way too distracted by that. I also don’t like things touching my face.

What summertime treats do you love?

ummm watermelon. popsicles.

How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss?

oooo boy im so ridiculously picky about it. In fact, one guy i was seeing for a few dates... i was like unsure of him and he wanted to kiss so bad and I just avoided it everytime lol.

What do you hate most about moving?

I’ve only done a temporary move. I don’t know that it’s the same. 

Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?

I think that I’d be down for it if I were married, but I think its most intimate when its in private lol

Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?

Nope. It’s just not my thing. I’m never lacking that much energy.

Has anyone ever whistled at you?

yes. 

Do you like scarves?

love them. 

Is your father homophobic?

I’m not sure. I haven’t got a clue. 

Do you take gummy vitamins?

sometimes. its my preferred method

Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?

not that I can recall. ohhhhhh maybe when i was in theater and we needed to put like color on their faces to ensure they wouldn’t be washed out by the harsh lighting.

Who would you like to meet before you die?

no one. those who want to meet me, should meet me lol

If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it?

nah. 

What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?

oh there have been so many. I just ignore them. I don’t see sense in letting my mind be corrupted by that 

If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?

heaven!

Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?

mom!

What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?

the bathroom lol

Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?

everyone. everyone and anyone would benefit from therapy.

Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?

I’ve never seen it so I couldn’t tell ya.

How old was the first person you kissed?

at the time? I was 16 he was ...... 19 

Will you be a strict parent one day?

strict? no. I’ll have rules and such but I’m a very loving caregiver... not to be cocky

Last person to stand up for you?

I wish i could tell you. I’ve never been the kind that requires someone else to protect me like that. but man, it has to feel good to know someone else is willing to go to those lengths.

Have you been to a baby shower?

many times.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?

My sister

What’s your favorite high school memory?

hmm, there are so many i loved.. probably the trips.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?

i love being single, but miss the connection from a relationship

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?

hot air balloon.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate?

freakin math

Italian food or Chinese food?

Chinese. ugh, I’d kill for some if they had GF soy sauce options

Do you like to make flash cards when you study?

sometimes, it depends on what I’m using them for. often I’ll just write like Question Answer type patterns in my notebook and then use a coversheet. I hate losing notecards.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?

yeah but I don’t sing like that anymore.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?

I used to a lot,not anymore so much. 

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.

no thank you

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?

none really on my behalf. one girl completely plagiarized my work and that led to some drama, but beyond that nothing.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?

no, I’m not that sort of wealthy.

Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?

I mean, part of me thinks that its just kinda sad for the kid to not have simple pleasures instead of needing all the finest gadgets, 

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?

n/a

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?

No

Jalapeños: yay or nay?

yay most of the time.

Did you ever play Minecraft?

uhhhh only when my nephews ask me to for like 5 mins lol

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?

I didn’t.

Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?

yes. some people just seem very... unaware.

What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?

assault

What type of person angers you the most?

those who feel it is OK for them to assault another person in order to gain what they want or to release what they desire to release

If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?

I’d want to be smaller. thicker hair. probably invisalign so I can correct my bite. 

Describe your first relationship?

he was ... fascinating to me. He allowed me to have my guard down. He made me laugh, he made me blush, but he made me feel like I was constantly safe. He was wounded from his previous marriage but he was.. so worth mending. However, we were long distance and he just wasn’t able to do that. He needed more than I was able to offer him at the time.

Describe your last relationship?

OK so relationship is such a widely defined word. I’m going to describe the last person I was personally committed to. He was my other half. He was pretty vain and conceited when I first got to know him. Constantly concerned with his work and nothing but his work. However, along the years he developed into the most kind, generous, patient, extremely loving man. He changed all sorts of his former ways. He began investing in his character and taking the time to better himself. It was so incredible to watch. We created a bond where he was my world. I thought I was his. but we ended over him having a relationship for years that I knew nothing about. it’s weird, this quote from jane eyre reminds me of him...

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”

Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?

I didn’t get the option to do so when it was happening. 

Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?

ps i love you just tears me to shreds over how effing painful it is to lose someone you love.

What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?

that I was kind and friendly, warm and inviting.

Do you feel protective over someone?

yes. my loved ones. my family members. my close friends.

What perfume/cologne do you wear?

ummm either very sexy night, or refuge.

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?

a very deep, dark red/maroon. super lovely

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?

CHICKEN SANDWICH< preach

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:

omg i crave regular birthday cake. gluten free cake so far has been quite disappointing. 

What were you doing at 8pm last night?

nothing.

[thebuttsmcgee]

Prediction before we inevitably see all the rebels (Owl Family, Coven Head Rebels, Hexside, possibly other schools and maybe Bat Queen) all come across each other and point fingers like the spider-man meme,

Before they go to Belos' castle, Luz stays behind the crowd for a bit because she's been thru way too much these past episodes and it's Eda alone who comforts her. And not just some words of affirmation, I mean full on comfort, because that's what Luz desperately needs rn.

I dunno, I absolutely enjoy that Luz has so many people to count on, but I've really been missing the person she originally looked up and counted on for nearly everything, even just casual things. I can't even remember the last time she ruffled her hair :^[

[franeridart]

WHOA BLACK CLOVER HAS AN ANIME NOW I GOTTA GO WATCH IT

Well, only the first episode for now but yeah!!! I can’t wait for my favs to show up aaahhhhhh!!!!!! 

Anon said:Omg, Kirishima, please teach me how to put on eyeliner, your eyeliner game is on point! (Seriously, tho, I love how you draw their eyes and how you draw Kiri in general. He seems so soft. Damn, Bakugou, I'm jealous that you can cuddle him)

THANK YOU!!!! And Kiri has really really pretty lashes in the manga too, doesn’t he? Bakugou too! They have seriously pretty eyes I spend a lot of time trying to get that right when drawing haha still not as good at Horikoshi tho after all, but what can we do~

Anon said:Every time I get a notification you posted something I get extremely happy! That's what your drawings did to me. How can one be so talented.

SOB thank you so much!! You being happy makes me happy so it’s happiness all around!!! What a good!!!

Anon said:Heey!! So I've been wondering... if Aizawa used his quirk on Hagakure would she become visible?? (Btw love your art)

Oh my what a question, I was actually talking about this not too long ago with a friend! And the conclusion ended up being that if her invisibility is a permanent mutation he can’t, but if she can turn it off at will then probably he can too! Right now we still don’t know how exactly Tooru’s quirk tho, so we can’t be sure which is the truth! (I like to think she can turn visible if she wants, but that’s just an headcanon with very little basis haha)

Anon said:Your erasermic art has blessed me 4ever thank u

NAH thank you for liking it and letting me know, man!!!

Anon said:I DIDNT KNOW YOU SHIP ERASERMIC OH MY GOD but seriously you're one of my favourite artists and the fact you like pretty much all the same things as I do is so amazing to me and it makes me so happy because I know that you may draw more of it in the future and I'll get to see more beautiful art if that makes sense lmao thanks for creating stuff 👌👌

Hahahaha yeah it’s one of my top ships in the fandom! Also the only one I read fics for aside from krbk I love them A LOT (and it’s all thanks to my sister who directed my attention towards them a long time ago now, thank you sis) so yeah I’ll definitely draw more of them in the future!!!! And thank you so much for liking my stuff!!!!!

Anon said:Hi! I just want to say I love your headcanon of Aizawa becoming a mentor/role model to Bakugou! Thank you for introducing me to that idea!

YOU’RE MOST WELCOME I’m just a huge huge huge fan of the Aizawa&Bakugou interactions and how much Aizawa cares for him and how much Bakugou respects and trusts him in return, so!!! I’m mostly just pushing on that canon stuff hahaha

Anon said:HORY SHEET BOYO THAT ERASERMIC SHIT IS GOOD SHIT

THANK YOU FRIEND!!!

Anon said:i came to love erasermic thru kiribaku tbh. like i saw erasermic fic in the kiribaku tag on ao3 and i read it for the bg kiribaku (kirishima was such a good boi in that fic ngl) and i was like hey erasermic isnt bad. then i saw your art of them comparing them and i was like hey this is good shit 😁👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 keep it up pal

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll t r y !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O

Anon said:Do you think Kyoka and Katsuki could get along? Over their like for punkrock maybe, and their gayness. Kinda like Todoroki and Momo's talks about their tiny crushes.

WHY YES ANON I think they could be the bestest of pals, I’ve actually drawn them together now and again cause I like the idea of them being friends so much - a list of some of the things Bakugou and Jirou do together:

make fun of Kaminari (Kaminari feels attacked and liked it better when Jirou was convinced she didn’t like Bakugou)

share music recs and go to concerts together (when it’s big ones they particularly care for they stand in line The Whole Day and at first it used to be sorta awkward but now being together makes the hours fly)

mutter sass and snark under their breaths to themselves in class and without meaning make the other snort or have to hide an actual laugh (they sit next to each other in class did you know that that’s my fav thing tbh)

say “god, I’m so fucking gay” and answer “mood” whenever Kirishima and Momo, like, exist or do anything equally outrageous

sit next to each other with their phones in hand in silence and at the same time look up with an intense/bored/obviously-judging-sero-come-on-look-at-them expression whenever anyone walks past them (they’re actually playing bullshit app games)

play bullshit app games in co-op or having each other as friends to earn more rewards cause they have a No-Judging policy going on between them that makes sharing this sort of otherwise embarrassing stuff with each other okay

Anon said:Hi!!! I love your art and I just wanted to ask....what band were you referring to when you said Mic named him after the band "eraserhead"? Could you possibly be talking about the filipino band "Eraserheads"?

Yeah!!!!! Tho I’m sorry to let you down anon, but I haven’t actually ever heard much from them (justttt one song two days ago cause I got curious) - I found out about them while looking up the movie!

Anon said:I love how you draw mic with his hair in a bun. It's super cute

THANK YOU!!!! But I can’t really take the merit for that, since that’s how he actually wears his hair (more or less) when he doesn’t gel it up for his hero costume!

Anon said:What is your favorite kiribaku au? :D

Oh boy, I sort of love everything and anything I’ve ever seen/read tbh, I’m a HUGE AU lover!! At the moment to anything with the fantasy AU (and dragon!Kiri is always a super welcome plus) is gonna make me go :O !!!!!!!! hahaha so maybe that, who knows! It’s for sure the one I think about the most!

Anon said:Hellooooo i love your art so much? Especially the bakushimas oh my god (also do you plan on drawing more soul eater *coughs*-deathstar-*coughs* in the future?) Have a good day!!

THANK YOU! And I dunno, maybe! If inspiration strikes, why not!

Anon said:hey guess what i just did... went through your ENTIRE art tag (all the way back to the knb and one piece), i found it really cool to see how your art has developed and see what your fav ship is at a certain time (and how you always come back to bokuroo)

Ah man thank you for spending all that time on my blog hahaha I wouldn’t say I always go back to bokuro though? It’s more like... whenever the manga brings the bokuros back I’m ready to start hyping all over them again hahaha my bokuro periods always happened while they were doing things in the manga, after all~

Anon said:u said u couldnt draw iida, lie of the century. i lvoe u

AHHHHH I’m glad you liked him!!!! I spent lotsa time on him in the past month or so trying to get a grasp on him, so I’m really seriously happy it seems to have paid off!! to quote Todoroki

Anon said:where’s ur faq i’m on mobile

SORRY maybe you already noticed but I added the link in the description! 

Anon said:have you ever thought about if eri-chan can... erase her own quirk?? and would how they might handle it

Actually that’s the first thing I thought when Mirio got his own erased... well, it still depends on what exactly Eri’s quirk does? We sorta assumed she had the same quirk as Chisaki, but they aren’t actually related so who knows? I sure hope she can fix the damage done on Mirio, tho!

Anon said:I ADORE YOUR ART SO MUCH OH GOD HAVE A NICE DAY FRAN

OH MY GOD THANK YOU I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY TOO!!!

Anon said:Usjeiwiwj oh man, i love cats, my cat relates to urs big time ajsjehej

Cats are such a mess and I love them with all of my heart to be honest hahaha

Anon said:Do u have any, idk idea about traitor!Kaminari? I just imagine how would others react? I think it's hella sad, and still Denki never wanted this, something just go wrong in his life and it's breakin my heart... ARGH, sorry for interrupt you with something like that...

It’s okay, don’t worry about that haha but I can’t say I find the theory possible in the least, so I haven’t really spent time thinking about it at all? I mean, I can imagine it would be full of angst and regrets and a lot of tears and anger mostly from his close friends, but since I just can’t believe this theory I can’t say I have anything specific I can give you on this orz sorry!

Anon said:Who's get jealous and possessive between bakugou and kirishima?

Actually I dunno man, are they possessive and jealous? I feel like they both would like it when the other told them stuff like “I’m yours” or “you’re mine”, but being there complete and utter trust between them they wouldn’t actually be jealous or act in a possessive way... does that make sense? At most I think they’d be insecure in the beginning of their relationship, but once they managed to make it clear that yes, you’re the one I want, no one else, just you then they would have little to no problems in that sense haha

Anon said:So many people seem to misunderstand bakugou and I just really like how you portray him. Good characterization and good art! 💖✨

SOB THANK YOU !!!!! this means the universe to me oh g o d s!!!!

Anon said:Wait!! This isn't your main blog? Omg how did I not know this. What is your main blog (if you're willing to let people from this blog follow it haha)?

AHHHH yeah I have a main one this one is just for my doods!!! the main is @franeridan, if you wanna follow it! I’m mostly just crying over bakugou and kirishima and complaining a whole damn lot about... everything, tho hahaha

Anon said:I'm not the anon but u know the concept that kiri n Baku would meet when they were younger and when Baku was more... violent? (i know that's not the right word, I'm not a native speaker sorry!) Like I think kiri could actually make Baku less of a bully? Considering how much positive impact he had on his personality AFTER it already developed (like idk if this ask makes sense? What do u think?) ◇ (btw putting smth like ◇ was a genious idea ty, idk if u remember that ask tho?)

Yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!!! Actually I’ve been thinking about this A LOT in the past couple of days and my conclusion ended up being that the key would be either for Kirishima to know Bakugou since they were really young OR for him to not attend Bakugou’s same middle school? Like, if they developed their personalities together, having someone like Kirishima around since they were kids could have made Bakugou develop differently, but if we go with the “they met in middle school” scenario then I think Kirishima would have had the same sort of...soothing? Effect on Bakugou only if Bakugou didn’t see him as a threat to his dream of being the only kid from that middle school to enter UA. Well, a scenario in which they had known each other since they were small young babies and Bakugou reached middle school going “the only one from this middle school to enter UA is gonna be me and Eijirou”, that would have been hella cute wouldn’t it hahaha growing up with a notion of us instead of just me would have changed Bakugou a lot, I’m pretty sure :D

[lavender-montgomery]

Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark (2019) - Thoughts [SPOILERS]

So I finished watching this movie about 51 seconds ago. I was very excited for this film when it was first announced. I only read one of the books when I was a kid and I don’t remember it, I was more a Goosebumps and Pointe Horror kid, however I was still excited. I saw the trailer I believe before Annabelle: Creation when I went with my friend, and we vowed to go see it in the cinema. Spoiler: We didn’t go see it in the cinema. I completely forgot. This was August 2019. It is now March 2020 and I have only just remembered, so I watched it for free online. Don’t tell the police. I’m kinda glad I didn’t pay to go see it, although I do feel it woulda been better in the cinema environment with the surround sound. If you’re watching this on a computer I 10/10 recommend wearing headphones/earphones. I put mine in half way through and it improved it greatly, even when my laptop was on full blast. 

So the film starts and immediately I notice it’s set in the past when President Nixon was a thing, so correct me if I’m wrong but I believe that was early 70s. I dunno, I’m British and don’t know much about American history. It also begins on Halloween - excellent, we’re off to a great, spooky start already. A touch I appreciated was the Halloween costumes the cast were wearing. Home made costumes of a spider, a clown and a witch. Loved them, kids don’t wear stuff like that anymore. I’d love to have costumes like that. So it starts off with the three main characters getting revenge on some bullies - pretty standard. One character annoys me when he takes it too far by throwing a bag of poop lit on fire into the bully’s car - which his big sister is sat in. Oops. Can’t help but judge this character already as that was pretty stupid. Didn’t bother me that much though as I’d forgotten about it until going over my notes just now. The kids hide in someone’s car at a drive thru, in comes the fourth main character, Ramone. That’s another thing I loved, the drive thu showing a black and white horror film on Halloween night, all of the old cars pulled up. That’s a rare thing nowadays, I think in the twelve years I have lived here I’ve only seen one drive thru - and I have kept an eye out always as I’ve wanted to go to one since seeing Greece when I was a kid. 

Obviously the kids make the stupid decision to go to the town’s creepy house that has a scary story attached to it. What else would they do? And also obviously they find a secret door no one has ever found so OBVIOUSLY they have to go through it and get locked in by the bullies. Duh.

I noticed this movie has a very dark colour scheme. I get that adds to the spookiness, but damn I’d like to be able to see what’s going on every once in a while. I kept adjusting my laptop and moving the screen but to no avail. 

What’s the scary story, you ask? There was a family who lived there who had a daughter named Sarah who killed a load of kids in the town who then killed herself. Please note the whole plot of the movie revolves around Sarah’s book of scary stories that come true and kill kids, and she writes in it in the afterlife. I was a bit confused about if this book killed kids before the movie was set and it was a known thing, or if it happened for the first time in this movie. I THINK it supposedly happened before but I can’t say for certain - I was texting when this was spoken about, my bad. 

Something that had me frowning was when they went into this secret room that was supposedly locked for a hundred years... The candles were lit. Why? How? I didn’t see any of the kids light the candles, but there they were, lit and burning bright as anything. Like I mentioned, they get locked in this room along with their big sister by the school bully they through the firey poop at. But the book sets them free. Somehow. 

Come to think of it, it must be known that the book has killed kids as they mention it. Silly me. So nerd girl Stella continues to read after being told it kills kids... Stella, are you thick? Characters like that drive me mad. She even took the book home. Dumb ass. Then again, she is a huge horror fanatic as her bedroom is plastered in horror film stuff, and she’s a mega nerd, so how could she not take the book? I would. It’s a bit spooky when she’s looking at the book later on and it isn’t finished and ink is still wet as it’s still being written. Reminded me of in Harry Potter.

I started to suspect this movie would be like the Goosebumps movies. It was more what the Goosebumps movies shoulda been - no offense to those movies or the cast, I just feel they were aimed at an audience younger than the book audience both old and new. 

The first monster we saw was the scarecrow. He was a bit creepy. I realised all the monsters in it are targeting specific kids with their worst fear. ‘You don’t read the book, the book reads you.’ The scene with the scarecrow made me think of umm I think it was called In The Tall Grass on Netflix, because of the dark corn field, the sound of the plants in the wind and the fact he couldn’t get out of the field. What I don’t get when the bully Tommy died, he turned into a scarecrow - why was this scarecrow not found? It still looked like him. 

Ruth. Ruth is one of the kid’s big sister. She’s beautiful. Not much to say on her really, she wasn’t in it THAT much. But she was incredibly pretty. 

I liked the part where Stella took the book back to the house then when she went home, Ramone found it in her bedroom. It was a bit cliche but it worked. 

The next monster we saw was a scary ghostly figure missing her toe. The kid this ghost was targeting stupidly hid under his bed while the door was being opened then only seconds later he emerged. Suprise surprise he was taken/killed. I’d be under that bed all night if it was me, stuff coming out seconds after the door is opened. He did a quick look left and right then that was it. Made me feel a bit grim when he almost ate this ghost’s toe in the stew in the fridge. Bit of background: the ghost walks around saying ‘who took my toe’ as the toe is missing off her/his body. Not sure why. I’m sure there was a reason why this kid was scared of this monster but I don’t remember it and for some reason I didn’t take note. Feel free to let me know and I’ll add it on. 

The next monster we saw wasn’t really a monster, it was spiders. A lot of them. Which, to be honest, is the worst one of all the horror characters as I am extremely terrified of spiders. The sister Ruth had them all crawling out of a ginourmous zit/spider bite on her face. It’s quite sad that she’s hospitalised for her breakdown and is absent for almost the whole rest of the movie. I quite liked her, woulda liked for her to be in it more. The scene where she’s covered in spiders reminded me of one of my psychosis hallucinations that I have bugs all over my body, hundreds of them running over me - before anyone asks, yes, it is scary. 

So for some reason there’s a character called Lulu who is an old lady who I think is blind and she’s a bit off her rocker. When she was a child she was friends with Sarah. She didn’t really do much for the story. The only benefit was they found out Sarah killed herself at hospital not at home, but I’m sure they coulda discovered that elsewhere. It’s a shame as she was a very interesting character. It was a bit creepy when the music box just like Sarah’s starts playing and Lulu sings along, then when Sarah’s book is shown the music stops. 

The sad part about Sarah is her family had her sent to the hospital and they lied about everything. Her own brother was her doctor, giving her electroconvulsive therapy and abusing her. No wonder she came back and killed a load of kids, she was put through a lot in her childhood when she was completely innocent, she wanted to help. She didn’t do anything she was accused of. In voice recordings of her interview she kept saying ‘I didn’t do it’ and you could hear her get electrocuted. This made me so sad, I really felt for her. She tried to save the kids by telling people what her family were doing to the water, so her family framed her. Tragic. It was a bit creepy when after this part, the recording they were listening to then spoke to them saying ‘I’ll tell you what you want to hear’. One of the creepiest parts of the film, sadly. 

The next monster we saw was the fat pale lady. She was a bit creepy and weird, my favourite monster out of all of them. She didn’t really do much, though. But her design was cool. The costume was so well done, she was chilling and realistic. The teen she was after couldn’t run away, no matter which way he turned she was there. I’ve had a nightmare similar to that, so the scene gave me a bit of anxiety. She looked how I imagined Umbridge in the Harry Potter books before she was in the movies. 

Broke my heart a little when the girl Stella was on the phone to her dad. He was so worried and wanted to help but he couldn’t. You could tell he really loved her, especially after everything they’ve been through what with the mum leaving. 

It took me ages to catch on - each monster/story is of the victim’s worst fear. 

Next monster was the Jangly man. He was also very well done. The way he moved was unnatural and creepy. I feel they overdone the dead look and sound effects but that’s okay. He was truly disturbing. I loved how he managed to squeeze between the bars in the police cell to get to Ramone. Also loved how he could dismember himself and put him back together. 

I appreciated how the film wasn’t reliant on jump scares like something I watched recently *cough* Brahms: The Boy II *cough*. The monsters in this mighta scared me if I was a young kid. 

So it ends with the girl Sarah who was writing the stories was doing it for revenge, and Stella talks her into stopping. Predictable ending but it worked. I liked when Stella became Sarah back in the past when she was locked up and they didn’t know she wasn’t Sarah. When Stella was locked in the basement, everything went back to normal and she was Stella gain. The creepy music box played again and Sarah appeared, angry. I felt the acting in this scene wasn’t great, it was like watching a year eleven GCSE drama duologue. 

When Ramone was drafted and he said goodbye to Stella, they shown that they had feelings but they didn’t kiss which I am glad about. That would have been a very cheesy ending to the movie. 

Is there going to be a sequel? It ended with Stella, Ruth and dad going on a hunt with the book as Stella thinks the book can bring back all the kids that went missing due to the stories. Will it work? Maybe in another movie? I kinda hope not. I most likely won’t watch it, this movie wasn’t good enough for a sequel. The script and cast were meh, the plot was eh, I’m rating it a 4/10 and that’s being generous. Wouldn’t recommend to others especially adults and I won’t be watching again - I am so glad I didn’t pay to go to the cinema to see this.

[theclash]

Frickin’ @thebroletariatemasses told me to do 1-99 from this ask meme, so... here we go.

3 Fears Giraffes, marionettes & animatronics (anything of that sort), anything relating to medical practice

3 things I love Paul McCartney, Roger Waters, birds (and raccoons ghkjfdhg)

2 turns on uhhhh. uh GHjkDFHG being tall... being uhh a musician. 

2 turns off not having nice hair HGFJKDHG and uh.. supporting Trump. MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT

My best friend only one?? here’s three: @wilpot @thebeatles @lighghtsource

Sexual orientation i... dont know at this point

How tall am I 5ft 7in

What do I miss right now the freedom of not being sick

Favourite color blue

Do I have a crush ya... on Paul McCartney and Roger Waters

Favourite place GHFKJDGH I dunno

What am I listening to right now Nothing but I have Nobody Home by Pink Floyd stuck in my head

Shoe size 7 and a half

Eye color blue w/ hazel around my pupil (i have central heterochromia)

Hair color brown

Meaning behind my URL Sir Paul McCartney boiz

Favourite song Hey Jude by The Beatles

Favourite band The Beatles and Pink Floyd

How I feel right now sick :~( terrible really

Someone I love Here are two someones Paul and Roger. kek!

My current relationship status single

My relationship with my parents Good, I’m fortunate to have never had major differences with them. My dad travels for work so I miss him a lot.

Favourite season Summer

Tattoos and piercing i have Just my 1st set of ear piercings

Tattoos and piercing i want Uhhhidk I want tattoos but there are a lot I want so ghjkfdhg

The reasons I joined Tumblr god I dont even remember, I joined when I was like... 12 or 13

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? On occasion I guess??

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? I aint ever kissed anyone

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 30min 

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? uhh yes actually

Where am I right now? on my bed

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUD BITCH!!!

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? ye

Am I excited for anything? uh I guess I’m looking forward to seeing where I am in like 5 years

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? probably? I dont really tell anyone EVERYTHING about me

How often do I wear a fake smile? a lot tbh

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? PAUL AND ROGER!!!!

What do I think about most? paul and roger.

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

What was the last lie I told? LMAOO Uhhh god who knows... honest to god I’m not sure

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? phone 

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? my paranoia believes in ghosts and yes of course I believe in aliens

Do I believe in magic? no

Do I believe in luck? sure hsgkjfdhh

What’s the weather like right now? UHHH I dunno its dark out. It was like 80 deg earlier tho

What was the last book I’ve read? My Name Is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok

Do I have any nicknames? yea, Mad and Macca

Do I spend money or save it? spend to a degree then save my very slim remains

Can I touch my nose with a tounge? NO I AINT A HORSE

Favourite animal? bids in general, crows, seagulls, cockatiels, and raccoons.

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? listening to The Wall

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? like every Beatles and Pink Floyd song ever

What is my favorite word? UHHH GHDFJKH I DONT KNOW

My top 5 blogs on tumblr uhhh I dont know ATM, I cant think straight HGJKFDHGJ

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? “Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ is the best album of all time”

Do I have any relatives in jail? maybe my aunt LMAO 

What is my current desktop picture? PAULLLL

Had sex? no

Bought condoms? no

Gotten pregnant? no

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? my chickens

Had job? I was a nanny

Smoked weed? no

Smoked cigarettes? no

Drank alcohol? no

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no

Been overweight? no

Been underweight? yes

Gotten my heart broken? no

Been to prom? yes

Been in airplane? yes

Learned another language? yes, Japanese

Wore make up? BRO

Dyed my hair? yes

Had a surgery? yes, a lot of different procedures.

Met someone famous? No :-(

Stalked someone on a social network? i mean....

Been fishing? yes

Been rejected by a crush? yup but don’t worry !!! he was bad in the end (he emotionally abused me kek!!!!!!!)

What do I want for birthday? SO MANY THINGS. I want a cape and my own bass (i’m using Will’s curently) and uhhhh a lot of stuff. Money.

Do I like my handwriting? yeah bud

Where do I want to live when older? Washington State

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? noope

What I’m really bad at A LOT...

What my greatest achievments are god I don’t know. I graduated high school. LOL

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me I DUNNO MAN! I don’t remember that stuff.

What I’d do if I won in a lottery buy stuff duh

What do I like about myself my hair... uh. h.

My closest Tumblr friend @thebeatles YEAHHHHHH BUD

Any question you’d like? Oh worm?

Are you outgoing or shy? Outgoing

What kind of people are you attracted to? LELLLLL with ladies and other I am not picky but with dudes.... I have two types which are very similar: dark haired, glasses wearing musicians, and tall musicians with dark long hair. If you aint that then idk what to tell you. 

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Nope

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not really, but I wouldn’t have much to contribute.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Will probably

What does the most recent text that you sent say? it’s the thumbs down emoji (im on my computer and too lazy to get the emoji right now ghdjkg)

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? I CAN TELL YOU.. because I dont know HGJKFDHG I never have favorites really

Do you like it when people play with your hair? concept of someone gently running their fingers thru my hair: nice. concept of someone just playing with it: no.

Do you think there is life on other planets? Yeah bud! FINALLY DONE>>... Bill that was too many jesus FUCK

[allofthisnonsenseplease]

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 That's actually kind of a fun idea :oo reaper and 76 having no prior history

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 What would cause them to start interacting, tho? And what would they be fighting for? If they weren't in SEP & Overwatch together, the fall of OW leaves them no bitter enmity. oooh...what if Reaper was with Talon all along, Jack was with Overwatch, shit i was gonna say they got interested in each other but didn't realize, but that wouldn't work until post fall

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 Yeah I was thinking like Jack doing his thing in overwatch the whole time and gabe being in Talon the whole time And not crossing paths until post fall I mean they knew OF each other before that But didn't interact until after

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 right, right. but if they met each other with just their regular personas, and, like, i dunno, started bitching about the state of the world today and what's it all come to and they have grumpy old men feeding birds in the park dates before they find out that one is Reaper and the other is Soldier 76

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 ahahaha awwwwww gabe figures out who jack is pretty quickly just based on context clues and the fact that jack gives a total of zero fucks

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 finds out he's 76, you mean? 'cause i always feel like once he hits that point, he gives a lot of fucks about not being recognized as strike commander morrison. not that he's any good at hiding it. XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 YEAH 76 not sc i feel like in this version of events gabe wouldn't know jack's face well enough to identify him as the former sc awww they'd be so cute tho, just sitting on a park bench together, jack grumbling at the birds but still feeding them anyway gabe shaking his head, utterly amused, and pointing out that the bread crumbs jack's been giving them are terrible for the ducks that have been coming around jack just replies with a  grumpy "fuck them"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD Jack, you bastard! What if, despite Talon, Gabe is still somehow more idealistic than Jack? Like, he thinks the path to making the world a better place lies in siding with this group at least for a while, but Jack just thinks everything has gone to shit and there's barely any point.

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 awwww QoQ their light conversation about the birds suddenly seems to be a big metaphor for much darker things

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 whoopsy daisy! XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 gabe counters jack's nihilistic attitude towards the birds (and apparently everything else) with some optimism and jack just kinda gives him a sideways glance asks in his grumbly coarse way, "what well-meaning conman fed you such convincing bullshit?" gabe wonders, silently, why someone who has been beaten down this much by the world is still fighting for it

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 Maybe he realizes that Jack isn't--he's not part of a group fighting for something bigger, he's working on his own and largely protecting small communities from gangs that move in. The thought makes him laugh, because it seems like, deep down, maybe Jack isn't quite so different...it's just the scale of what they see in front of them. ((like, i typed all that up assuming that Gabe is offing threats while in Talon and trying to do good while using them--possibly with the goal of getting rid of Talon itself once he's done))

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 qoq and then the time finally comes when one of gabe's missions for talon involves innocents as collateral damage and soldier 76 shows up

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, HE'LL--no sorry wrong series

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOLLLLLL gabriel doesn't want to fight him so he tries to reason the big picture and all

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 NOPE

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 but jack morrison is done with big pictures

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 this is the core argument for the season i just finished fyi

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omg what a coincidence

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 lol anyways Reaper being all 'You can't be so naive! Things aren't black and white, and there's no way to move forward without sacrifices.' Jack is just FUCK YOUR SACRIFICES EVERYTHING SUCKS ALREADY DON'T GO MAKING IT WORSE

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 jack will take your ideals and KICK THEM IN THE GODDAMN FACE BEFORE BURNING THEM he wrestles gabe to the ground and snarls that he will die before he lets fucking talon harm a single hair on a child's head and gabriel should be fighting for his life but he kind of falls a little in love right then and there

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 d'awww are we playing this serious, or does Gabe arch suggestively beneath him and tell Jack that if he wants to save anyone he's gonna have to come up with one hell of a distraction?

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omgggggg jack freezes, caught between his total of two emotions he's been too spiteful to be thirsty the past several years

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 OH GOD GABE/REAPER HAS IT ALL

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOL jack doesn't give in - not yet, anyway, not this time - but gabe can see that he wants to he can work with that

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 JACK BEING A THIRSTY FUCK

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 for now, gabe's willing to count jack's several seconds of indecision as a victory

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 lol He tells Jack he'll concede this time since Jack's reaction was so intriguing. Jack can HEAR him smirking, and it pisses him off.

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 especially because goddammit that's attractive,,, FUCK,,, he's just a little too slow with his next punch. gabe is already wisping away

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 hahaha what if, back on the bench later on, Jack REALLY AWKWARDLY propositions Gabe and claims it's 'cause he needs to take the edge off. XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omggggg JACK YOU USELESS HORNY MOTHERFUCKER too lazy to rub one out himself, has to fuckin proposition his bro dude

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 like, he doesn't even really mean to, he just opens his big stupid mouth and the words fall out all over each other

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 XDDDDDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 hey, handling it himself just isn't the same. XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 XDDD gabe hates that when he tries to say no because terrible idea all that comes out is a snarky "your place or mine?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 "or," he amends, patting the bench, "if you don't care about having an audience..."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 i'm still trying to come up with what Jack would say, and so far the best vote is 'What are you doing tonight? I need to get wrecked in the worst way.' orz i guess this is still him giving zero fucks XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omg jackieeeee bee gabe starts accidentally going on a snarky ramble bc he's,, actually kinda nervous and jack just gets tired of the bullshit and smooches his face

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 !! ^^ smooches him good, pulls back just a bit and cups him thru his jeans and asks, voice low 'you interested or not?' AND SUDDENLY THE TABLES HAVE BEEN TURNED XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 gabriel, all starstruck, breathes a "y-yeah" and lets jack drag him off the bench gabriel assumes jack takes him back to his safe house, but it's admittedly kind of a blur given that all he could look at the entire time was jack's ass

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 it's like watching a real, live lego man, he thinks

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 AHAHAHA am i really this fucking hyped to wreck that stupid rectangle? goddammit i really REALLY AM

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 X'D they balance each other out so well this time XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 XDDDD gabe wakes up out of his trance when he's suddenly lying in jack's bed with a ripped as all hell grump on top of him

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 c'mon Gabe, get with the program!! Wake up and give him something to remember next time you come on to him in your goth persona!

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOLLLL fondle the boobs man just DO IT

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 Gabe makes Jack VERY happy that he asked

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 especially when things inevitably get rough and jack is Very pleasantly surprised that gabe can keep up more than keep up, really not many people can hold him down so easily if he weren't so out of his mind from it, he might think it strange another thing he didn't think through due to his intense Thirst........ he just brought a relative stranger back to his safe house smart move jack

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 lol OH WELL IT'S ONLY GABE WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN ((Reaper waiting there for him the next night with a rose clipped int he mouth of his mask))

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 LOLLLL GABE!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 you motherfucker XDDDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 nah, nah. then the game would be over too soon altho, if 76 shows up next time and is all 'haha you thought i'd go for you, but I got my kicks elsewhere thanks, so fuck off with your noise' I kinda feel like he'd want some sort of petty revenge

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 omgggggg YOU FOOL YOU PLAYED YOURSELF my favorite phrase is relevant once again XDDDD maybe he shows off his most Sexy (tm) assets while being like "oh so you really want none of this ???" reaper: spawns one (1) tentacle 76: throws down his gun, immediately surrenders

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 X''''''D JACK NO YOU TOOK STEPS TO PREVENT THIS

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 he cannot resist the Tentacle tho it is jack's ultimate weakness gabe finds out about this by accident, of course

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 At the park next time, Gabe casually asks if Jack needs him again, thinking smugly that of course he does. But Jack is just. 'Listen. Last time isn't gonna cut it. I need you to fuck me up, understand??' Jack's way of asking to be saved from himself lol

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 OMG AKJNDFKADNFADF gabe is a little taken aback but is like YES SIR jack fists his collar and his eyes are kinda wild and scary and gabe is way too into it and he snarls "i don't think you get it. i need you to fuck me up. are we clear?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD get it gabe!

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 this is when gabe finds out that jack is into some Shit but oh god gabe miscalculated. jack is sleeping with him to avoid sleeping with.... him. also he really wants to see how wild jack would get if he brought out the tentacles for real. but he can't do that. yet.

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 XD But wait. What if Jack tells Gabe 'Sorry, but you just don't have the right equipment to give me what I need.' and Gabe is just 'exCUSE ME???'

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 KJSNFASKDJFN "YOU'RE GONNA HATE ME FOR THIS BUT I HOPE IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU NOT WANNA FUCK ME ANYMORE BUT--" omg gabe feeling weirdly gratified when he's fooling around w 76 as reaper but 76 says his name, not knowing it's him

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 omgomg XD Jaaaaack.... wanting Gabe but needing those tentacles....u bad thing

firesonic152 - 08/04/2017 emotionally needs gabe but the rest of him just wants to get wrecked enough to forget everything that's ever happened to him omg ahhh but this whole time gabe didn't know he was sc!! he just knows jack has a chip on his shoulder for some reason

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/04/2017 ahhh you're right what if...with the needs of his body being met, Jack slowly starts to open up to Gabe? Particularly after they've been together. It's never as rough as with Reaper, Gabe will draw things out to make him beg or cry, and Jack always ends up feeling a different sort of exhausted wrapped up in Gabe's arms afterward. (idc if Gabe does know about Jack--Gabe's a cuddler! XD)

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 okay, i LITERALLY just laid down to go to bed, but i pulled my computer back out to send you this before i forget it. What if the Strike Commander position really was just a figurehead? Like, if Jack had far less power than he's made out to hold? Like, the UN is in charge of what missions are accepted, how many personnel are approved to go, what weapons they can have, how long they can fight before they're recalled and it's writen off. Jack is basically the middle man, there to handle small problems that crop up and relay orders from the top and to be a fall guy, but, really, he isn't supposed to do anything without their approval. okay night night <3

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 yeah no wonder Jack is filled with hatred LOL As they're cuddling one night, Jack admits quietly, "I used to be someone important." He laughs without humor. "Least, they let me think I was."

How would Gabe react to finding out Jack was sc :thinking: probably sympathetically, given Jack's previous rambles/rants about how his job was a shitshow and he was pretty useless in a lot of cases but I want drama so hmmmmmm

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 What if gabe had a shot at joining SEP, but the last available slot was given to this Jack Morrison asshole who later became SC? Also, I guess Gabe doesn't know Jack's last name, apparently? XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 omg!!!! LOL yeah Jack probably wouldn't give it up so easily He's shitty at stealth, not stupid...... actually wait he is kinda dumb BUT HE HAS..... some...... common sense??????

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 XD just a smidge. we wouldn't want to get carried away.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 .... self loathing, that's what he has doesn't wanna be attached to that name anymore there we go XDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 lol perfect.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Jack lets something slip and Gabe finally puts it together Gabe sits upright and stares. "Wait. You're Jack.... Morrison? Like...." Jack waits for the inevitable vitriol, tense and looking away. "The Jack Morrison who took my SEP slot?" This was not the accusation Jack was expecting. His head turns to stare at Gabe "What?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 XD SUCK IT JACK YOU DID EVERYTHING WRONG AND THEN SOME!!

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLLL "You stole my shot at fame and glory!" Gabe accuses, a hint of a grin pulling on his lips, unable to keep up the charade. "Fuck you, man."

Jack shifts uneasily, caught between Gabe's good natured reaction and his reflex to use anything and everything as fuel for his self loathing

"For what it's worth, it was a pretty shitty gig," he finally offers.

"A year of potentially lethal injections and near-fatal side effects, then a short stint actually helping during the crisis, and then just..." He visibly wilts. "Years... Decades, actually, of being a puppet."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 jack. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. stop. enough.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 He loves to party that jack Always throwing pity parties for himself

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 lol

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 I can't find a party hat emoji :((

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 huh. lame.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Well there's these :tada::tada::tada::tada::confetti_ball::confetti_ball::confetti_ball: Close enough Oh here's the drama(??). Now that Gabe knows the full extent of Jack's identity, he Definitely cannot reveal his own

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 :tada: :disappointed_relieved: :birthday:

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOL

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 there. a pity party.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Perfect

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 why does that change things? he already knew Jack was 76 and kinda burnt out on the big fight while still having some trace of his ideals left.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Tru :thinking: Maybe just the fact that like. Before this Gabe didn't really consider 76 an enemy of Talon specifically and more just a general hazard to look out for. But the strike commander was absolutely an enemy of Talon, and that's a dangerous position to be in. If anyone else in Talon found out Jack Morrison is still alive, it'd be bad news for Jack

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 You think he'd try to talk Jack out of seeing Reaper?

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 omg Maybe he just casually like... "So if you were strike commander you fought against Talon right....?" That Gabriel, smooth as silk

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 lol 'and...this other guy...the well-equipped one...isn't he with Talon?'

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOL NICE Gbe ... What happened phone *GABE Jack sends Gabe a sharp sideways glance, keen enough to realize Gabe has an ulterior motive with this line of questioning but too dumb (lbr) to figure out what it is

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 maybe he thinks it's just good old fashioned jealousy? XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOL yeah he would

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 or would that be a stretch, given his low self-worth?

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 he has zero sense of self worth in terms of his value as a person but he still has a realistic sense of his worth in bed XDD Probably thinks Gabe is jealous as a bed partner, not anything more

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 oh. that would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 :)) "Are you..." Gabe hesitates, trying to remember how much he's supposed to know question did Jack fuck reaper yet I forget XDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 yeah. tentacles.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 >||3c

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 like, i don't think Reaper went full on tentacles--at least not  the first time--but Jack had tentacles and ran back to Gabe in the hopes that getting Fucked Up would keep him from wanting the tentacles. Spoiler alert: it Did Not.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLLL LITTLE DOES HE KNOW Gabe bringing up reaper is digging up some unwanted desires for Jack so he cuts off the conversation with a meaningfully heated kiss "I slept with him once," Jack admits breathily when he pulls away, staring at Gabe's mouth. "It was fun but..." god damn was it fun "I'm lying in bed with you right now aren't I?"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Jack, that's not exactly...I mean, kudos for not lying, but... XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 he's baiting :eyes: Simultaneously assuring Gabe that he has his attention while also leaving open the possibility of someone else stealing him away so that Gabe is incited to do what he can to get rid of that as an option

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Smarter than he looks. =/ XD

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Only when it comes to thirst LOL :heart: Gabriel hates that even though his rival in this situation is himself, Jack's gambit still works He bears down on top of Jack, pressing Jack's back into the mattress as he kisses him Covering Jack's body with his own. A possessive move. Jack doesn't bother hiding his satisfaction. Man so if Jack didn't have Gabriel during that whole stretch of time from sep to end of overwatch... He never had any significant romantic relationships At least I can't imagine he would have had any success in that area? Just a whole lot of meaningless hookups when he could manage it AHAHA God he's gonna suck at this Gabriel probably had a few crushes and things but not anything terribly significant either

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Oh, dear. Jack is at even MORE of a disadvantage than usual.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 Gabe asks him on a date and he combusts

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 Jack: You want...what? [cannot process. does not compute] Jack:...WHY???

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLLL Jack: date... like........ sex but with rose petals on the bed??? Gabe: no like I want to take you to a nice restaurant Jack, struggling: to......... to do some kind of semi-public thing or Gabe: Gabe: looks at the camera

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 X'''''''''''D Jack: but...i'm already sleeping with you. you don't have to...uhh...earn it.

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 dkakdkakxka at which point Gabe realizes this is a deep dark pit he's uncovered

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 OH ONLY JUST NOW REALIZING IS HE? Gabe starts actually feeling bad for Jack oh shit. what if it translates into Reaper being more gentle, too? And Jack is just: ???????????i came for tentacles?? not sweetness???? haha unintended double entendre

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 LOLL djakcjakczlx Gabe is in too deep - said Jack never >||3c

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 pffffffffffffffft X'''''''''''''''''''''D

firesonic152 - 08/05/2017 ghhhhhh what if gabe asking jack out on a proper date freaks jack out a little bit so he does a quick calculation and decides taking his chances with reaper is better than risking further romantic advances at the moment and starts avoiding gabriel in favor of reaper (AGAIN, LITTLE DOES HE KNOW LOL)

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/05/2017 omg omgomg And he's like, well, at least I don't have to worry about the bloodthirsty mercenary expecting anything but a quick fuck from me. Except, instead of examining his life choices, he just blindly follows Reaper out of the end of a firefight and into a nearby safehouse...which happens to be stocked with an easily reheated, nice homemade meal, a bottle of wine, and some flickering LED candles in the bedroom.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 LOL JACK U FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET FUCKED UP YOU THOUGHT!!!!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 well, he can, but with a nice meal and some romantic lighting. XD

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 XDDD jack walks in, sees the romantic setup, and has to do more mental math tentacles.... versus romance............ give him a moment, he's not very good at math

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 XD COME ON JACK YOU KNOW THOSE TENTACLES ARE WORTH IT

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 AHAHAHA

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 jeezus. it's only the romance that's dubcon. XD

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 XDDDDD GABE JUST WANTS TO TREAT U RIGHT JACKIE JESUS jack jokes, only a tiny bit of discomfort in his voice, that he hopes the big bad reaper hasn't gone and fallen for a worn down old soldier. reaper doesn't deny it.

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 oh. my. god. ;_; dude. not cool. upsetting.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 :kissing_heart:

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 don't you kissy face me

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 :kissing_closed_eyes:

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 LOOK HERE what does Jack do next while that silence is growing longer and more fraught with meaning?

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 laugh nervously and try to goad reaper into throwing him into a wall?

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 think he'd get pissed? I mean, as angry and full of spite and self-loathing as this Jack is, when confronte with something he doesn't like, anger or violence seem likely modes of rejection.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 absolutely yeahhh gabe is a stealthy dude he just likes birds man anyway jack of course gets pissed at the show of affection from reaper of all people and gabriel's heart hurts jack wants to start a fight, wants to get fucked up, but gabriel doesn't think he can do it anymore

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 oh lord. is it the big reveal? !!!! wait wait! what if Jack started an argument with him and took off, then went to go find Gabe. Rather than let Jack bait him into another fight, Gabe goes along with it and gives Jack what he wants, but pulls out his Reaper-y tentacle powers while they're in the middle of things in the hopes that Jack will be too overwhelmed and needy to run straightaway.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 :OOO!!! risque

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 As soon as Jack realizes what's going on, he roars at Gabe to stop, and of course Gabe does. He lets Jack rail at him for a moment until Jack's anger turns inward, and he bitterly says that he should have noticed, should have picked up on all the little hints. He covers his eyes with his arm and mutters that Gabe smelled like him, but he hadn't wanted to think.... He asks 'Why?' and his voice is a broken croak. Was it all a ruse? Has he been tricked? To what end? Gabe learned he was Strike Commander, but nothing's come of that information, so WHY?? He jumps when Gabe reaches out to stroke his cheek.

'Nothing I've done with you has been false,' Gabe says.

Jack groans. He hasn't moved from beneath Gabe, but he can't be comfortable, and he's still hard.

'Do you want me to continue?' Gabe asks. When Jack only nods, grimacing, he holds back. 'Say it clearly for me.'

'Just fuck me for God's sake!'

Gabe is gentle. So very, very gentle, but aside from that, he gives Jack everything he asks for, everything he demands in his breathless cries.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 kjfnakdfjakjnfkjsdnfadf b o ys afterwards, jack just watches gabe for awhile. it's searching, a little on the intense side. gabriel finally asks what jack's doing, and jack shrugs, looks away self-consciously. "was just wondering," he says. his voice is thick. he clears his throat and continues, "if you'd been in sep with me. just wondering what our lives would be like."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 fffffffffffff

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 LITTLE!!! DOES HE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 Gabe, reaching out to take his hand and kiss his knuckles: I'd've had more time to make you happy.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 MELTING GABRIEL MARRY ME jack manages to not recoil and is a little taken aback by the warmth in his chest

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 he's bothered to think that he might be starting to want that. particularly since he doesn't think it's going to last, or that it might not even be real. he gathers his things and leaves, needing to think. To his slight surprise, Reaper and Gabe--he still can't quite think of them as the same person--give him his space. He sees Reaper during fights, but Reaper never approaches him, actually takes out an enemy or two that had been aiming for Jack. He avoids the park where he met Gabe, but when he passes by the safe house--not planning to go in, it was just where he ended up wandering--there are flowers left on the doorstep.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 CLUTCHES CHEST after so many years of being gutted by governments and media and every organization under the sun, is it really okay for him to give gabriel a hollowed out shell?

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 ; ; so when he's ready--and he doesn't feel ready, but he misses the way Gabriel touched him and spoke to him and, damn it all, just the way Gabriel looked at him--he goes back to where it started--the park bench. He waits. It takes a while, of course. He's been avoiding Gabe for days, but eventually, Gabe comes strolling down the path. He manages to not show surprise at the sight of Jack there, but maybe in the way he sighs quietly when he sits down, the way his shoulders lots their tension, the way he leans forward, elbows braced on his knees...maybe somewhere in all of that Jack can believe that Gabriel is relieved to see him.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 QOQ there are so many things jack wants to say, so many caveats about how he's got nothing left to offer gabe but he wants to try anyway, about how he doesn't know what he's doing (and if he's being honest, he's scared) but he's starting to think maybe that's okay, about how he has so many regrets but if this was the path he had to take to find gabe then it's all been worth it, and a million other self-deprecating and grateful things. but it's too much all at once. maybe he'll get around to them one at a time later. for now he just manages a quiet "sorry," and then "i want to try. if... if you still want to."

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 'Even though I'm the Reaper?' It's only barely a question. Jack hesitates, then nods. 'Haven't quite forgiven you for hiding that. You've known about me for a while. Can't promise I won't try to take a little revenge next time we meet on opposing sides.' He's more relieved than he'll ever admit when Gabe chuckles at that. 'Fair enough.'

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 YAYYY HAPPY ENDING although gabe still works for talon awks

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 lol they'll work it out. or kill each other. either way.

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 the real jack morrison would never pass up a chance to die

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/06/2017 lol Gabe will give him many small deaths

firesonic152 - 08/06/2017 >||3c

[stylesbicon]

Pardon me for rambling but I swear to God I just had the realest experience of my life and I’m very shook

I was coming out of Target and this guy came up at me from across the parking lot like “hey man you got some money” etc etc and I really wanted to help him (like I try to give a little something to everyone who asks but I rarely have cash and yet I really wanted to help this particular guy for some reason) so i gave him a $1 and a $2 bill and that was all I had and he was like “listen man if you were able to help me out would you?” and i said yeah and he was like “that gas station has an ATM” and i have pretty much NO money right now as you may have seen me complaining about recently (usually I’m okay but I just had to unexpectedly make a down payment on a car?) but I was gonna go get him like another $20 and then before I know it he’s just in my car and I feel so much more pressure to give him the $80 he needs for a hotel room. So I give him $40 after I drive him to the ATM and he’s already in my car (which my mom always warned me about growing up blablabla but also this guy seemed A-okay but also you gotta be smart and I didn’t know him at all) so I take him through a drive thru where I buy him 4 mcchickens and then before we know it I’m driving him across town and I’m not sure exactly where we’re even going which like red flag but also I felt totally chill about all of this?

so we get talking and this guy’s really nice and he’s homeless because he’s trying to break away from a crappy lifestyle which mad respect and he’s trying so hard and he’s been clean for 13 days and never wants to go back there and he just needs somewhere to sleep tonight and maybe somewhere else to stay and life sucks and he’s got nobody to help him out and he was just being so real with me and I could tell how honest he was being and opening up and so much of it all is so relatable to like everyone else in the world’s story and at this point I’m just getting pissed at capitalism and then we both started talking about how much we both need to get out of this town and I dunno just a lot of his experiences reflected with mine like we’ve obviously lived very different lives but we’re both just stuck where we’re at from a past of uninformed decisions and no support network and it got to this point where he says “Do me a favor and live for yourself. Take care of yourself first. Promise me you’ll make it.” and that was the realest thing I’ve ever heard like he has no idea who I am or what my life is like but those are the words I’ve been needing to hear for so long and something about this whole situation just felt like the voice of God like I’m not even lying this man spoke to my soul and said the exact thing I needed to hear but also what Kesha was saying at her concert last night that really connected with me? 

Like apparently the Universe wants me to Get Out Of Here and stop living in this terrible oppressive environment which I’m all for but I’m obviously terrified. Like I am taking this as a Sign but where do I go what to I do how do I afford it? I ended up giving this man $100 which was 25% of all the money I had because I’m an idiot, how am I supposed to go anywhere?? Like wow I need someone to just drop a couple thousand bucks in my lap while I figure something out or something but anyway thank you William the random guy I drove around today