#mans loves slapstick after all

[kookslastbutton]

Too Late to Dream ༓ jjk (m) II ch. II

✑ Summary: You did it. You married your college professor. You even bought a house together. Against all odds, everything had fallen into place. But after two years of marriage, you begin feeling something was missing. You want a baby but your husband can’t say the same.

Pairing: economics professor!jungkook x fem!artist!reader

AU/Genre: angst, smut, fluff, marriage au, age gap, series

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 5,044

Warnings: 8-year age gap, flashbacks of professor-student relationship (oc was a Masters student), fighting, pent-up issues/desires, jk has daddy issues, mentions of therapy, kookie trying to be a good husband, cute coupley stuff that idk anyone will like but 🥺 👉👈, jk says cawk , idk why this is a warning

Now Playing: Make It Right, Tryna Be, Infinity, It Will Rain, Heaven+

A/N: Hi guys! I'm back! I thought I'd start off with a little flashback and then diving back into the story. Also, big thing–I decided not to make jk a complete butt. I don't want this story to be about "jk finally coming around after treating oc like garbage for wanting a kid". It's more of a we'll figure-it-out-together kinda thing though there will be bumps in the road. Anyway, enjoy 🥰

<< ch.I ༓ ch. III >> | series masterlist

To say falling in love with Jungkook was an effortless, butterflies-in-your-tummy, love-at-first-sight, you-know-it-when-you-see-it sort of affair is far from the truth. In actuality, you and Jungkook met on a very normal basis and had very normal rapport…well, somewhat normal.

Jungkook was your economics professor in grad school and you were merely one out of eighty of his students during the first semester. Surely you'd be walking out with no more than a barely scrimmaged 'A' and remnants of stupid economics jokes he and his colleagues found slapstick funny.

Jungkook always had an interesting sense of humor.

Bottom line? Your life wasn't a drama and you certainly didn't plan on living like it was–especially when your parents were on your tail, making sure their hard-earned money was well spent.

As if being bonked on the head by something called fate, however, Jungkook sent you away with far more than odd jokes and good grades.

Hey, hindsight is 20/20.

four years ago

“Oh, good morning.” A soft, yet hoarse voice strides past you. You view the man, estimating that he be in his early 30s though could easily pass for 25 by his youthful appearance. His hair is black, a bit shaggy but well-kept nonetheless. Silver piercings dangle from his ears and a pair of rectangular glasses rest on his perfectly symmetrical face. This is your professor?

Undoubtedly, what mesmerizes you the most is the striking arm tattoo partially displayed under the rolled-up sleeves of his dress shirt. You remember temporarily considering tattoo artistry in high school but studio arts appealed to you more.

Not like you got to do either though, seeing as you’ve been stuck in econ for the fifth year in a row. You’re parents insisted you get your master’s immediately after undergrad…how wonderful for you.

But back to the man at the front of the room. You weren’t expecting someone so hip and attractive–very, very attractive.

Your stomach churns but you brush the feeling away.

He's your professor for god sake.

The man, coincidentally your professor, quirks a small smile your way and sets his bag on the podium at the front. “Didn’t expect anyone to be here for another twenty minutes.”

“I just got out of another class a couple of rooms down so I’m here early.” You straighten in your seat and return a smile of your own. “It’s nice to meet you Dr. Jeon. I’m Y/N.” You start bouncing your leg up and down, clicking the pen in your hand. Please be right, please be right, you chant silently, hoping you remembered the name correctly.

Jungkook notices your slightly restless state but he doesn’t say anything about it.

“Just to be sure, you are here for ECON 602 right? Macroeconomic Theory?” He unzips his bag and sets his laptop on the podium. Making brief eye contact, he catches sight of the piece of paper directly below your nose. “That’s a beautiful sketch.”

You glance down, moving the paper to the side as if embarrassed. Not many people see your work beyond close friends, and even then you like to keep it to yourself. “Yes, absolutely,” you reply. “ECON 602, 12:15 pm. And thanks, I draw as a hobby.”

Your professor hums, nodding as he connects the HDMI cable to his laptop and lowers the presentation board.“ Dr. Kim is going to be quite jealous when he hears such artistic talent is in my economics class.” He lets out a slight chuckle. “You don’t mind if I tell him, do you? A little competition we have going on.”

You snort at the comment.

Dr. Kim Taehyung was the art department’s most talked about professor. Everyone knew him for his extremely unique perspective, classy personality, as well as his breathtaking artwork. You’ve passed him in the hallways a number of times, wishing you could study under him and dare you say, in more ways than one.

“I don’t mind.” You shake your head. “Are you and Dr. Kim close?” Maybe you shouldn’t be this curious but it was now fifteen minutes until the start of class and no one else had shown. What else were you going to fill time with? Awkward silence while you watch your professor fumble and tap on his keyboard?

“We were colleagues if you can believe that.” He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Only two years ahead of me in undergrad. When I first started teaching here I had no idea he was here too. But you know what they say __, it’s a small world.”

“Smaller,” you retort. “I feel like everywhere I go I run into someone I’ve known or seen at some point in my life. You just never really know I guess.” When you first entered university, you were counting your lucky stars that most of your high school peers were attending college nearby your hometown. You on the other hand were a good five to six hours from home. Last you checked, however, half of those peers were now getting married or on their second kid. Crazy how some people’s lives change on a dime.

You watch as your professor shuffles a few sheets of paper in his hands, scanning them briefly. “I can relate to that,” he mutters. “Pretty sure we haven’t met before though. Could be a bigger world than we think. Now where’s everyone else? Didn’t all drop last minute did they?” The man lifts his head, flashing a big gorgeous grin. His eyes are playful and dance with mirth.“Not that I would mind if it were just you and I this whole semester.“

“uh–“ is embarrassingly, all you say. He isn’t implying anything by that right? Oh god __, don’t be stupid. As you've established, this isn’t a romance novel and you’re most definitely not the main character.

“You seem attentive is what I mean,” the man says, breaking you out of your daze. “And beyond punctual. Two qualities that I hold in high esteem.” You’d say he had a tiny smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth but it was likely an illusion. Your professor has bigger fish to fry than worry about any possible scenarios you’ve concocted in your silly head.

Still, in a moment of sheer thoughtlessness, you say something you regret being unable to retract. “Thank you, I like you too.” As soon as the words fly out you feel the need to run out and bang your head against the wall. Thinking on your feet wasn’t your specialty.

Little to your knowledge, Jungkook finds your mannerisms cute and stifles the temptation to tease. You’re his student, after all, a little professionally please, he repeats to himself.

“So are you from here?” Jungkook asks, choosing to switch the topic before both of you get swallowed into a messy situation.

You shake your head in denial. “I live here temporarily but I grew up about five hours north of here. My parents are still there.”

“Ah, well that’s a bit away. I imagine you miss them?”

You ponder the question for a second, eyes rolling up in contemplation. “From time to time.” Jungkook gives a knowing look. He’s had his share of familial drama and the need for space.

“I understand,” he says. “I grew up ten hours south myself.”

“Wow, that’s…far.” You’re surprised by the distance and can’t imagine it’s an easy commute. You wonder how long he’s been here and more so, if he’s here alone.

“Yeah.” He rests his palms on the edge of the podium, leaning on them gently. The protruding veins in his forearms catch your attention but you pry yourself from lingering. After what you said earlier, the last thing you want is for Dr. Jeon to think you're coming on to him. “Gets a little quiet sometimes but I’ve learned to live with it.”

As if immune to learning from your mistakes you blurt exactly what’s in your head.“So you’re not–“

“Married? Dating? Seeing someone?” Jungkook finishes your sentence like it’s nothing he hasn’t done tenfold times before. “No. I’m not.”

You give a small “Ah,” nodding in understanding before another classmate walks in, putting an abrupt end to the conversation. Jungkook is quick to greet the young man who’s joined but he’s certain he won’t be forgetting your name anytime soon.

present

You tilt your head back, allowing beads of hot water to run down your bare skin. The sound of steady pattering combined with heavy steam relaxes your muscles.

You can't believe you actually told him.

Blurting out to Jungkook that you wanted a baby in the middle of a fight is not how you intended to open up to your husband. But everything escalated so fast that it just came out.

You think back to last night’s events.

Once the movie's credit scenes appear Jungkook feels your eyes burn through him from your lounged position. "You're making that face again," he says.

"There's no face."

"Look," Jungkook cuts shortly. "Will you just tell me so we can deal with it?!"

"Just deal with it? Like it's some kind of nuisance of an issue that needs treatment?" You jump up from the couch and head to your bedroom in a fury, your husband hot on your trail.

"I don't mean to be pissing you off, sweetheart but I know something's up." He follows you into the bathroom, watching you reach for your toothbrush. "Can you please slow down and talk to me?" He grabs the toothpaste before you can, forcing you to stop in your tracks.

"I–I want…I want to be a mom. I want a baby."

"A baby? What do you mean you want a baby?" You see the panic settling in his eyes. Jungkook takes you into his arms, his thumb wipes off some of your tears. "Honey, I'm sorry I didn't know. When you came home from the park I didn't realize that little boy meant so much to you."

You try blinking back your tears but they keep running down your face. He's being gentle with you and you appreciate that but his choice of words tells you his answer is no. It's quiet, subtle, and cuts like a knife.

You break away from him to splash cold water on your face. The coolness calms your nerves. “He didn’t. Never–never mind what I said, sorry. I’m tired and I’m probably not thinking straight.”

It was a blatant lie but just look at your situation. Married for two years, still on birth control, and had no plans to change that. Suddenly one party diverts from the plan fully aware that the other is perfectly comfortable with the current plan.

Yes, you hoped he'd have a slightly better reaction but you don't blame him for his stunned look.

Plus, did you even have enough time to realize what you were saying? Feeling? It could easily be written off that you were simply impulsive, emotionally vulnerable, and so on with the track record you had regarding kids and parenting.

You sigh, bitter aftertaste in your mouth.

Not much else happened after the fight. Jungkook apologized again with his arms wrapped around your waist. He snuggled his nose in the crook of your neck and kissed your cheek too.

It was the usual, it felt familiar and warm but the pang in your head put a roadblock to that. No marriage is perfect. You know that. But you have a feeling you and Jungkook are headed for a steep valley, both on opposing sides.

"Hi.” You’re taken out of your thoughts when you hear the shower door pop open. Your husband steps in, with messy hair and half-open lids. Evidently, still sleepy.

You spare him a glance and quickly reach for your body wash on the shelf. “Hi,” you reply back, voice monotone.

Jungkook moves closer behind you and curves an arm around you. He grabs the bottle out of your hand and squirts some of the soap into his palm. “How did you sleep?”

A small shiver runs up your spine when his cool hand rubs circles against your upper back and shoulder. It still feels nice, you admit. You see some of the soap drip down and hit the shower floor.

“I slept okay. You?”

“I’m about the same.” Jungkook moves his hand a little lower, making sure to cover your whole backside. “I’m really sorry about how I handled things last night. What I said and how I said it was inexcusable.”

“Please, Jungkook you don’t have to keep apologizing about it. I know…and I’m sorry I spurred it on you so suddenly. It’s not how I wanted you to find out.” if at all, you add to yourself.

“Is it still true?” he asks, stopping his movements. “Do you really want to start a family?”

You feel queasy all over again. His tone is serious and if you turn around you’ll likely see the fire in his eyes. So you remain in your position, facing towards the shower head.

“I don’t know…” you finally say after thirty seconds of eerie silence. “But I think I do, I really do. Seeing our friends and other people our age have kids makes me wonder if we’d ever have that. I can’t explain why right now. I know it’s unexpected after we’ve been living a sort of way for so long.” After another pause you continue. “But I know it’s not a mutual thing and that’s…okay.”

“Sweetheart, even if we were to have kids…where would we find the time? The school year’s starting soon and I’m gonna be running ragged at the university next week. You know my schedule. I teach Monday through Friday, leaving at 7:15 am and returning around 4 p.m. You leave for work a little later in the morning but get back at 5 p.m. All our week consists of will be eating a quick dinner together, then I have to squirrel away to my office for the night to review class notes and grade stacks of assignments.”

Though you’re aware of how crazy busy Jungkook gets during the school year, you’re not foolish enough to believe that is the root of his argument.

“Maybe you’re right that we don’t have much time now but Jungkook, we can figure it out. You only teach 9 months out of the year and I can–I can stay at home or we can hire a nanny. And we don’t have to do it right away but–“

“__.” Jungkook turns you around so you’re looking eye to eye. He hesitates to say his next words, fearing a replay of yesterday. But he can’t bring himself to pretend with you. Not on something this serious. “I understand and I want more than anything to tell you I want the same, but I can't lie to you. Being a father, and having a kid, I think it’s wonderful but I just never saw that for myself. I’m so sorry I–”

Your heart concaves into your chest. You absolutely want him to be honest but it pains you to hear. Where do you go from here?

Slowly, you wrap your arms around his neck. Jungkook jolts a bit, surprised by your sudden gesture but welcomes the embrace.

“It’s okay Jungkook.” You settle your head into his shoulder, simply wanting to be close. One tear spills out, then another. “It’s okay.”

“No, look at me __. You didn’t let me finish.” You lift your head from his shoulder. Jungkook strokes your back soothingly before continuing. “If this is what you want, then I’m not going to stand here and be the asshole husband that just dismisses it. But this is a big step.”

You shake your head in disbelief. “Don’t say what I think you are. Jungkook you don’t have to do anything.”

“I’m not saying I change my mind.” Of course, that would be unrealistic, you talk yourself through, preparing for his next words. “However, I am–I am willing to seriously consider this whole thing, babies, diapers, strollers, all of it. But I need you to be sure that this is what you want. And the only way I think that can happen is if we start this slow. Sounds like I’m making some sappy speech huh?”

Jungkook cracks a faint smile.

You look like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop or for him to yell psyche and flick your forehead or something.

But none of that happens.

Instead, Jungkook unwraps one of your arms from around your neck, places a light kiss on your knuckles, and stares deep into your eyes as if making a promise. “I know this isn’t exactly heaven to your ears but I’m just trying to say, let’s not rush to a decision yet, okay? All of this did just get revealed yesterday and I think it’d be unfair to both of us if we scurry past it without thinking.”

Shocked. You’re utterly shocked. You were expecting him to give you a flat-out no or attempt to cover up the issue somehow. While, this isn’t your ideal outcome, if Jungkook is willing to take this seriously, no bullshit necessary, then so are you.

“Thank you, Jungkook.” You smile at him, feeling a tad lighter than you did before. Your heart beats again, slow and steady. “I love you.”

“I love you more than anything __. I married you and I intend to keep it that way.” Jungkook sneaks a wink and you press a kiss to his lips.

“Hey,” you pipe up. “It’s Sunday isn’t it?”

Jungkook nods in confusion. “It is..?”

“You have somewhere to be this morning don’t you?” You wait a moment before an oh-shit expression forms on Jungkook’s face.

As you remember your husband was supposed to be at some fancy gold club today. Like Jimin, a certain Kim Taehyung had his weekly “thing” too. Being close friends, Jungkook was supposed to be there, along with Hoseok.

“‘You're so right. 'M sorry honey I gotta go. They’re gonna kill me." Jungkook gives you one last kiss before slipping out of the shower. "I’ll be back for dinner.”

“Jungkook! Where the fuck have you been? We tried calling you!” Taehyung is the first to speak as soon as he catches sight of the younger man. He has his usual blush pink polo shirt on paired with well-pressed beige shorts.

He looks a little too handsome for golf.

Jungkook’s secretly glad his wife stayed home this time, as he’s fully aware of her mini crush on Taehyung in school. When she first found out they were colleagues he could tell she had borderline stars in her eyes.

“Sorry sorry,” Jungkook says. “I was doing stuff and time escaped me. Plus, I didn’t have my phone near me for a bit. But I’m here now, so let’s get going!” Jungkook walks in front of the two men, heading for the first stage of the golf course. “You guys coming?” He turns around and lifts both arms up.

Taehyung and Hoseok exchange looks before following his lead. It’s unlike Jungkook to be this eager for golf. In fact, he hates golf. And his explanation is a bit…questionable.

As much as Hoseok is a friend, he is also just as much of a psychologist who can't stop himself from practicing his craft when given the chance. “You doing alright?” Hoseok waits for Jungkook to answer, one hand clings around the top of his golf club while the other settles around his hip. "Haven't seen you since Jimin's last dinner.”

"Yeah, I'm good," Jungkook barely replies, watching Taehyung practice and few swings before taking the shot. Like a prodigy, it sinks right in. "Hole in one again man? I thought you painted."

Taehyung glances over his shoulder with a smug expression, cocky smirk, and sunglasses behind his head. "Don't be too jealous of hyung, Jungkookie."

"Fuck off Tae," Jungkook quips back. "I'm not 22 anymore. I have a good job, nice house, and a gorgeous wife waiting for me at home. What do you have? A bunch of golf balls in your pants.”

Hmm, a little more defensive than usual, Hoseok notes. And guarded too, something’s up.

"About that wife of yours Kook," Hoseok drawls. "How she doing?" Jungkook turns towards the man, slight distaste on his face.

“Uh, she’s fine. Thanks for asking. Also, I know what you’re doing and I’m not in the mood.”

"Ah Jungkook, you act like I'm being so malicious.” Smiling, Hoseok continues. “Can't I care about my friend of ten years without such accusations?"

Jungkook sighs and kicks the grass. Hoseok has been one of his closest friends for a long time so if there's anyone worth talking to about his current situation and who'd understand, I'd be him. "Well, I’m not saying much right now but.....__ recently told me she wants a baby. I’m still–I'm having trouble processing it. But I’m trying.”

Hoseok throws a hand behind the younger's shoulder. “That’s big news Jungkook and it’s completely fine that you’re still working through it. Don’t feel like you have to speed up the process either. I’ve known you both long enough to know that parenting hasn’t really been in the cards until now so I’m surprised myself.”

“I think she’s still a little unsure, but something happened the other day and it struck a cord inside her. She wants a family and,” Jungkook steps to the side, and Hoseok's hand slips from his shoulder. “I wish I could tell her I want it too. But I can't lie to her like that. I also don’t want her to bury that desire for my sake, so I told her we could consider it. I don’t know man, I feel like I’m trying to do the right thing but I don’t know if I can do this. Will I ever change my mind? I want to, for her.”

Hoseok looks at his friend with soft eyes, compassion in them. “Unfortunately, this is not something you can foresee nor force. At least not this early. But you’re definitely doing the right thing by not brushing her off. As real as your feelings are about not wanting a child right now, so are __'s feelings. It’s best you listen to both sides.”

Jungkook tousles his hair around. “I just–fuck.”

Hoseok doesn’t need further explanation to understand Jungkook’s predicament. He’s frustrated, blames himself, and is struggling to come to terms with reality. The unknown scares him and he doesn’t want to lose control of what little he has. “I’m sorry, Kook…it’s a heavy load. Why don't you come in for a session sometime? I think this might be something worth talking through."

“You mean therapy? I don't know, I’m about to have a pretty tight with school starting.”

"One hour, forty minutes at least," Hoseok insists. "Why not try it once and if you don't like it, you don't have to do it again. I love you both and as a friend, I want to be here for you. Beats standing around and watching Taehyung kick our ass at golf. Just think about it and let me know. As I said, I'm always here for you bro."

Jungkook nods and reaches a hand out to gently squeeze Hoseok's shoulder. "I'll think about it. Thanks."

"Hey!" Taehyung waves from afar. "What you guys doing still up there? I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes! Don’t forget that last place buys lunch.”

“He’s referring to you Kook.” Hoseok chuckles, slaps Jungkook on the back, and walks down the golf course toward Taehyung. “You suck at golf.”

Jungkook grunts, following close behind. If this were a benching competition he’d be taking home the whole damn meal.

With Jungkook still gone doing who knows what with his buddies you decide to blast your very wide array of music. It’s a good thing you and Jungkook live in your own house or else your poor neighbors would be knocking down the door with the landlord by now. Yes, that may or may not have happened once with you were in college.

Along with the music you stick true to your character and spread your art supplies on your drawing table. You had your own mini studio, thanks to your wonderful relator who helped find you the house. You reach for a pencil, spinning it between your fingers. Maybe you should finish the drawing of the park’s pond.

Mm, you don’t really feel like packing all your supplies and driving over right now.

Deciding to save it for another day, you ponder ideas of what to do instead. Should you try out your new watercolors? You bought them last week and while you weren’t exactly in low supply, if your husband can have a hundred scented candles you can have your paints.

bling–

You snatch your phone hearing the notification bell.

Jungkook: the rest of your morning going well? [sent at 11:03 a.m]

You smile faintly and type out a reply. Sweet to check in you suppose.

__: Fine. How are the guys? [sent at 11:04 a.m]

Jungkook: Whooping my ass but it’s alright. [sent at 11:07 a.m]

Good, you smirk. Jungkook is awful at golf. And he can stand to lose at something like the rest of you.

__: When are you coming home? [sent at 11:10 a.m]

Jungkook: Looking to wrap things up around 4 pm. I think we’re having a late lunch. Miss you. [sent at 11:13 a.m]

__: Okay, sounds good because I was thinking maybe we could go for ice cream when you get back. After dinner? miss you too [sent at 11:14 a.m]

You stare at the screen, waiting for a reply.

One minute goes by…

Two minutes…

Three…

Jungkook: Okay, sounds amazing. But why not before dinner? The place we like closes early on Sundays. I love you! [sent at 11:17 a.m]

Oh shoot, that’s right. You and Junkook have gone to the same ice cream shake since you first started dating. The couple who run it are super sweet, only a decade older. How could you forget?

__: I’m a dummy, yes we’ll go before dinner. I love you too [sent at 11:18 a.m]

Jungkook: Noo, you’re not a dummy! But okay, I’ll see you soon! [sent at 11:19 a.m]

Rejuvenated, you turn off your phone, jump off your art stool and crank the current song up–Runaway by Bon Jovi. Let’s see, you think, tearing a piece of watercolor paper from your drawing pad, what to do.

When the idea strikes you prepare water, paintbrushes, your palette, and anything else you may need for the next five hours give or take. You snatch your phone again and scroll through your photo gallery, hoping to get a good reference photo.

Your best friend’s birthday was two weeks away and she’s been subtly hinting for a painting of her, her fiancee’, and her dog Bear. As her closest friend and well-practiced artist, you think it is best to appease her request.

Jungkook comes home at 4 pm on the dot. Not a minute later. He looks happy, you conclude. Genuinely happy. It looks good on him.

“__!” Jungkook runs through the front door and lifts you up in his arms. He spins you around and you place your hands on his shoulders. This is so unexpected but nice.

“Jungkook,” you struggle to catch your breath. “What’s going on?”

“I just love coming home to you.” He places you back down and grabs your wrist. “Come on, I wanna stuff you full with ice cream.”

“That sounds so weird,” you laugh.

“Why?” Jungkook opens the front door, ushering you to go ahead of him.

“Because…it sounds like you want to stuff me. Like in a weird way.”

“Woman, that cleared nothing up for me.” You hop into the car with stupid grins on your face. You don’t even know what you mean let alone having to explain to your husband. What can you say, Jungkook makes you a little braindead.

“I just mean that you wanting to stuff me with ice cream sounds like the witch from Hanzel and Gretel. You wanna fatten me up to eat me. Or taxidermy,….or Build a Bear.”

“What the fuck honey,” Jungkook curses, backing out of your drive. “Did you get into something funky while I was gone?”

“No what–ugh never mind.” You stare out the window, arms crossed and biting back the need to giggle uncontrollably. Why were you so giddy right now?

Jungkook glances over with amusement. He knows you’re inches away from balling over with laughter. “You know what honey?”

“Hmm?”

“I think instead of stuffing you full of ice cream, I’m gonna stuff you full with something just as good.”

“Don’t say it Kook, don’t. I’m going to bust a gut.” You beg fully aware he’s not about to back down.

“My fucking cawk,” he says, making sure to exaggerate the last part.

You throw a hand over your mouth, tears well up in your eyes and this time, they’re not sad ones.

You pull up at the small, but charming ice cream stand at around 4:20 pm. It’s a decent crowd tonight.

You and Jungkook get out of the car with laced hands. You’ve managed to calm down now, thankfully. As you make your way to the line a small voice catches both your attention.

“Appa!” A little girl with blue ribbons in her hair runs past you. She looks between eight to ten years old. You and Jungkook follow her movement as she leaps up into her father’s arms.

You smile at the interaction. Her father kisses her cheek and chuckles as she shows him her ribbons. She looks like she’s telling a very eventful story.

Beside you, Jungkook stiffens. His eyes set on the pair but you’re unsure what he’s thinking. “Kook?” you say, but he doesn’t respond. You shake his hand, the one laced in yours, but still no response. It’s when you step in front of his view that you get him back.

“Hey,” you say. “Are you okay?”

Jungkook blinks at you and shakes his head a bit. “I’m good, sorry. Not sure what happened there. Must be a bit out of it today. Let’s go get some ice cream.”

A/N: I like this series vv much...thank you to anyone reading :) Lmk your thoughts and if you wanna be tagged comment or send me an ask!

Taglist:

@frieschan @oldermenluverrr @tatamicc @kookswifesblog @llallaaa @sunnybyeol @namtaeh @exactlygreatcoffee @whipwhoops @yoongisducky @ktnj91 @junecat18 @thvlover7 @yoongiworshiper

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[moongothic]

You think Crocodile's gonna blow his stack when he finds out how shitty Luffy's upbringing was? His baby boy repeatedly got tossed into the jungle to fend for himself against wild animals, as well as off cliffs and left to float into the fucking air on balloons all courtesy of Garp. He got left alone for long periods of time possibly as early as infancy, also cuz of Garp. And oh yeah, he was tortured by pirates, almost burned to death in a giant garbage fire, and went through the trauma of losing a brother.

Like, no matter how stern or distant of a parent Crocodile may be, I don't think he would be content to stand by and let any of that happen to baby Luffy. Also also, Crocodile witnessed firsthand Garp impeding Luffy's attempts to rescue Ace. The Cross Guild wants Garp for his bounty. Crocodile wants Garp for REVENGE.

With Garp I feel like it could go either way because like, let's be real for a second

This is 100% played for laughs.

Like if we're being serious then yes, in the Very Real World this is absolutely child neglect and abuse, Garp's parenting would NEVER fly (🥁) in our Very Real World. But just like Nami can physically abuse Luffy and co for laughts and get away with it, Garp's "training" is very much the same tonally, a Cartoon Slapstick Gag (made even more obvious when Toei animated Baby Luffy flying off into the sky going "UGYAAAAA" (that clip lives in my head rent free it's so funny??)) and a reflection of how this ridiculous old man (who might've been through even more ridiculous training in his childhood) views how a small child can be trained.

And so like. I could imagine Crocodile being like "who the fuck does that to a small child, are you insane" at Garp if he found out how Garp had been raising Luffy, but I think whatever reaction Crocodile might have would be played just as much for laughs as Garp's original comments were

Like IDK if Crocodile and Garp did have a relationship I think it would end up being similar to how Zoro and Sanji interact. Like Crocodile would to some degree be indebted to Garp because Garp did look after his son when he couldn't, and Garp wouldn't have a precious grandson (whom Garp sincerely does love, deeply) without Crocodile, so like. I think there could be like this mutual respect and gratitude for the other. But also it'd be kind of a begrudging gratitude and they would also hate each others guts and what they stand for and probably bicker. Lots. But in a funny way. (Like Zoro and Sanji)

Also I feel like even if Crocodile personally hated Garp's guts I don't think Crocodile would ever try anything to harm Garp. Like he saw how Luffy absolutely shattered after losing Ace, so even if Luffy and Garp's relationship wasn't the strongest, if Luffy loves his grandpappy then I don't think Crocodile would want to take his son's only grandfather, his family, away. Crocodile isn't in any kind of position to "take revenge" on the man who did look after his son for him (even if his methods were questionable at times) (Same for Dadan and the bandits too arguably)

The convenient thing of me letting this ask sit in my ask box for 20 days before actually responding is that I managed to post this thing the other day, and I want to continue an observation from that post; While I do agree Crocodile would probably be horrified to find out about all shit Luffy went through as a child... In the end, what's happened has happened, and I think Crocodile might believe that if he had wanted to ensure his son wouldn't have to go through things like that, then he should've raised the child himself. That Luffy's childhood not being all sunshine and rainbows is kind of his fault.

[cutedice]

Luffy, Usopp + Buggy w/ an so (gn) who is SO INCREDIBLY SILLY

Like the so is basically a jester. a little fella. just mindless entertaining fun 24/7 with this guy.

((Anon. You are my new favorite anon ever.))

When the S/O is Silly!

Characters: Luffy, Usopp, Buggy Warnings: None, fluff.

Everything is GN!

LUFFY

- He's all for the goofy behavior.

- Seriously, if you can make him smile he's 100% already vibing with you and you make him smile constantly.

- He's always ready to play with you or just listen to you tell jokes.

- People already compare him to the sun, and he never really understood that until he met you.

- He also 100% has a prank war going with you. It's endearing at first but now it's an actual war and the other Strawhats have been picking sides.

- So far you're winning, much to his annoyance. But, he can't pout for too long when he hears your laugh and looks over to be met with such a warm expression on your face.

- If you want an easy way to get to him when he is in a mood, physical comedy gets him a lot. He's a sucker for slapstick. Slip on a banana peel for the man.

- He'll always make sure you aren't hurt afterwards, so no worries! He just... has to stop laughing first.

- You can pout at him all you want after, but it won't do much.

- "C'mon, (Y/N)! You just- and- and the noise you made--" and he's hunched right back over losing his mind.

- Come on, how could you stay mad at him? Well, you can't! Because he finds it so funny, he tries to replicate it so you can see what he saw.

- Ends with you both lying on the deck, cheeks red and heads fuzzy from the lack of air, but genuinely enjoying each others company so much.

- Luffy wouldn't trade the feeling for the world.

USOPP

- Let's be real, he appreciates comedy. And, while he loves childish jokes and acts he also enjoys most other forms (except Robin's).

- But he loves yours!

- He makes a lot of self deprecating jokes at himself, it's his fall back and, while he doesn't do it enough to be concerning, he also doesn't hold back.

- But, none of those jokes last long when you're around!

- Cheesy pickup lines always get him to laugh. Sometimes you might get a blush or a bashful turn-away, but he's always laughing and fighting back chuckles.

- He loves hearing you add onto his tall tales. Commit to this man's bits!! He will love you!

- Get's even more entertaining if you act it out with impressions, play it up with him! Be nerds! Drama kids!

- You can't play any acting game together because you just wind up laughing too much to participate.

- One of his secret favorite things you do to make him laugh is when you sit in his little corner with him and purposely put something together wrong.

- "Y/N, pfft, I- I asked you to make a cube! How- how'd you make a triangle? Where- where's the other piece?"

- This situation is a win all around because it makes him laugh, he gets an ego boost in helping you, and if you really don't know how to build stuff or don't want to then he'll never know!

BUGGY

- As a clown himself, Buggy has been known to appreciate the finer forms of comedy.

- So, needless to say if you throw a pie at someone you're already a star in his book.

- Okay, he might be a little more mature than that and the pie might have to be well timed, but a well time pie throw is still a win! Really, if your timing is pretty good you'll land most jokes with him.

- Not to say everything needs to be timed. Sometimes silly things just happen with him.

- He's a walking shenanigans magnet and if you can double down on that and make it a positive thing for him he'll adore you.

- Plus, you so graciously taking the butt of the captain's jokes and pranks has the rest of his crew and Alvida praising you (mostly due to their mild annoyances to them).

- Buggy does pull pranks by the way. Constantly. But, he always, without fail, get's flustered when you catch him trying to set one up or mid-lie.

- Full body, red faced, you swear you can hear steam coming out of his ears. But, he always ends up laughing with you afterwards. It's funny once he looks back on the scene after a few minutes of denial and he can admit that much at least.

- And, you never laugh at him. Well, not in a bad way. He gets defensive, he's got a sensitive ego and he's greedy; but you only see him as... well, your fun partner in crime!

- That's right. If you've got the confidence to go head-to-head with him then you're officially his partner in crime! You don't really get a choice in this, he'll drag you along with his plans.

- Of course, he takes all the credit for any joke he might pull on the crews. He doesn't want you to get in trouble. Plus, he gets mild entertainment watching them treat you like your innocent.

- It's like having a spy on the inside as you come back to him with everyone's plans and schedules, and you two have a late night planning session.

- "So, if Alvida and Mohji are on the island that leaves--" he turns to face you for some help only to see you mid air plane throw at his head.

- You maintain eye contact for a moment before he grins and suddenly a hand is on your side, tickling you into surrender. "Hah! Try and best me again I dare you!"

[mikuni14]

Wandee Goodday - Ep 1

The long awaited first episode of Wandee Goodday is finally here, I'm sure I wasn't the only one who had been chanting "save me Wandee Goodday, Wandee Goodday save me" for the past few months lol

What I liked:

lots of humor, especially in the 4/4 part I laughed non-stop, although I must admit that a lot of the laughter was from second-hand embarrassment 🙈

Great and Inn are just beautiful (it's good that Great has loose clothes now, I was always worried about the buttons on his super tight uniform in MoD, fighting for their lives)

Thor and Fluke are also lovely, I really like the fact that their characters are already a couple and are completely in love with each other (and horny for each other 🔥) and so open about it

side characters add a lot to scenes, even if they appear for a moment, like a salesman offering technical advice on sex, or a doctor who sprays water on naughty subordinates, also nurses!

I really like Dee as a doctor, as an employee who doesn't let himself be treated like shit by clients and as a friend. He is nice, strong, confident, reliable and capable. Which is in stark contrast to how hopeless and lame he is in his love and sex life 🙈

I like how Yak and Dee felt an immediate physical attraction to each other, which is fighting against an equally immediate strong dislike lol The natural flow they have in their relationship: from physical attraction, through fights caused by negative circumstances, to the night spent together shows that this kind of relationship can be done, without humiliation bordering on bullying, as it's between Phum and Peem in We Are

I really like Yak who can just… stop when he has any suspicion that his partner is not fully in the moment, not fully sure. It was so cool, no forcing Dee to continue by putting pressure on him, making him feel "guilty", no awkwardness, complete chill. I like it when sex is treated so casually that even if nothing happens, the partners just sit and talk and there is no sense of pressure, everything is just so... normal and chill. I loved it.

Kao as a friend, a sidekick, a "token lgbt friend of the main character" 😄, who has his own life and although he is very funny, he is not a serial clown and comic relief, as is often the case. And he is asexual with credible dating problems. So interesting! Also: Drake 💖

I feel kind of vindictive happy that my most hated trope, wiping food from the mouth of the "love interest", is shown here as messing with Dee and giving him false hope for a relationship (?) The day this trope dies will be the day I win. I plan to get drunk when this happen hehe (vain hopes, of course, this disgusting trope will never die)

What I have a few, teeny-tiny reservations about:

at this point I don't really understand Ter's motivation: was he deliberately seducing Dee, or was he just too chummy with him, which he misinterpreted? Not that it matters tho...

8 years of all this? oh Dee… 🙈 (I love how Kao described this pathetic situation in just a few words)

I also don't really like making Dee a silly kid and a 🤡 when it comes to love and sex, especially since he's shown in other scenes where he's a full adult. He's a grown man with a serious profession, so it felt weird watching him as if he were a 15-year-old kid in a slapstick comedy. I get that there's a comedic element to it and it was funny and I was laughing, but the amount of cringe and second-hand embarrassment was downright overwhelming at some point. What is fine as convention in MSP or Only Boo no longer looks so good in series about adults

the comedy of the sex scene completely stripped away the hotness of these scenes, ngl

the above comments are not complaints, they are just loose observations. It was only the first episode after all 😉

Overall, the series started well, I had a great time watching it, I laughed a lot, the characters are cool and very attractive, Great has the body of a young god 🔥 I can't wait for their first kiss and a truly hot night - with fun, but no comedy. What a wasted opportunity for them not to watch MANNER OF DEATH and the uniform buttons! hanging for dear life! Like seriously, it was right there 😤

The series is very pretty, just look at those aesthetic shots in a public toilet:

Omg, this guy:

Me:

Me 🤝 Dee about coffee:

(I shouldn't pick on Dee, if someone brought me coffee just the way I like it, I'd be as stupid as him 😑)

One of my 457,869 screen shots of this man, gosh, he's so fine:

[theminecraftbee]

also since i've decided to be on a pearl and bigb kick with the whole one piece au, bigb's devil fruit. as i mentioned, frog frog fruit, he is a frog man. which makes it PARTICULARLY ironic he can't swim; he ate a devil fruit that turned him into a creature with webbed feet and hands, but the ocean goddess still fucking hates him, like she hates every single devil fruit user, and even sort of touching seawater fucks him up. like, talk about the ultimate irony...

anyway, for the non-one piece fans: zoan-type devil fruit users (the ones that let you transform into an animal) normally have three(-ish) forms: their "base/normal" form, one where they have a lot of their animal traits, and one that is like, full animal. approximately. chopper exists. chopper is an anomaly, we are going to ignore chopper.

anyway i think even in human form bigb has had his devil fruit a long time. he moves a little strangely. his limbs are SLIGHTLY too long, his joints a little too pronounced, his smile a little too wide--although to be fair, he exaggerates this on purpose around people he wants to unnerve. (this seems like a bigb thing to do. i think he largely does this to brass he dislikes, lol.)

he tends to use his beast form more often than his beast-man form. that's because, even unable to swim, being a frog is useful, because frogs are overlooked! plus, he can somewhat communicate with any local frogs (or frog-adjacent creatures, island wildlife can be WEIRD) to get information on criminals he's pursuing. oftentimes he just... catches his enemies off-guard this way, too. no need to challenge them to a straight fight if he can sneak into the room they're staying in and just whack them over the head, after all.

(pearl is. mildly annoyed at how effective that is, actually.)

if he DOES have to fight, though, his man-beast form is a little bit slapstick, in that i imagine he has these huge webbed hands and feet, kind of absurdly long legs and arms that give him ABSURD jumping ability, and a tongue that is practically a deadly whip itself. also, i think he deserves to be able to stick to things using his hands, feet, and tongue, entrapping his enemies as part of his fighting style as well. he's half comedic looking and half a little horrifying and that's what we love about bigb. (also would it be one piece if the designs weren't as comical as they were cool. can you tell kaku's giraffe fruit has been my favorite zoan fruit so far.) also, in a fight, despite his slapstick appearance, bigb REMAINS a little bit more of a thinker than a fighter, and is unafraid to resort to "dirty" tactics.

actually, that's the other irony of his devil fruit: he's a silver-tongued smooth talker who, thanks to the length his tongue grows to in beast-man form, can't use that foremost skill of his to its full strength while he's using his devil fruit.

its almost like someone's laughing at him out there in the cosmos for this one, honestly.

well, whatever. he's pretty good at making the most of it anyway (and i think a hallmark of bigb's devil fruit use is that he's dangerous because he's CREATIVE, not because his fruit is inherently one of the more powerful ones in the story, a thing we know from one piece is the actually important part of getting the most out of your powers).

[chaos0pikachu]

Two Flavors of Japanese (BL) Cinema

Recently I came across a post that proposited that Japanese cinema hadn't changed since the 1950's and came in, essentially, two types. 

Let's discuss that. 

I can’t go into the history of all Japanese cinema in a singular blog post like that’s just not possible, there’s literal books and classes you can take on this subject, and I will be linking further reading down at the bottom of the post so you can do just that. 

This fact alone, should already disprove the point that Japanese cinema hasn’t changed since the 1950’s. Other than the fact that like, Japan isn’t a static society that is forever unchanging because human beings do not work like that. 

Which is why I’m writing this essay at all. 

I love cinema, I love storytelling and filmmaking. And, frankly, I may not be an expert but I am annoying. I own that. 

Japanese cinema has held influence over many directors, writers, animators, and so forth. 

Just watch this playlist of Sailor Moon references across various cartoons. Or how Satoshi Kon influenced the work of Darren Aronofsky and Christopher Nolan. Or how James Cameron and the Wachowskis were both influenced by Mamoru Oshii’s 1995 Ghost in the Shell. And then there’s Akira Kurosawa who’s been cited as a major influence for directors like: Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Martin Scorsese and a slew of others.

I want folks to know there’s a slew of amazing films from Japan and that distilling the industry - the blood, sweat and tears of its creators - to a strict dichotomy of this or that, either/or is disrespectful at best and xenophobic at worst. 

It’s also just a shame because, like, guys there’s so many great films from Japan! There’s also probably a lot of great live action shows from Japan but I’m not super knowledgeable about them - I mainly watch anime so that’s not a great metric in terms of Japanese television - so I’m just talking about films in this post. 

Ok so main points I’m gonna address: 

Japanese Cinema hasn’t changed since the 1950s 

Japanese film style falls under an extreme dichotomy of cinematic/sweeping (described as “atmospheric”) or cartoonish/slapstick (described as “live action manga”)

Baby does any of this have to do with BL? (no, but it IS more gay than you think)

With these four films: The Hidden Fortress (1958), Lady Snowblood (1973), Gohatto (1999), and Kubi (2023). 

I picked these four because they’re all “period pieces” taking place feudal Japan - or with the aesthetics of feudal Japan, The Hidden Fortress nor Lady Snowblood aren’t based on actual historical events, like Gohatto and Kubi are, however loosely, but take place in an amorphous 15th to 18th century Japan - and I think they strongly show the development of this singular genre in Japanese cinema. 

Plus the latter two films, Gohatto and Kubi, are gay as fuck and I know my people. 

[you can also read this post on this blog post which includes additional links as tumblr has a limit and for easier readability as this is a long post]

The Hidden Fortress 

Released in 1958, directed by Akira Kurosawa it’s probably the most well-known film on the list. It’s a film that exists within the “Golden Age” of Japanese cinema alongside films like Kurosawa’s own Seven Samurai (1954), Yasujirō Ozu’s Tokyo Story (1953) and Kenji Mizoguchi’s Ugetsu (1953). 

It was also the era where, after the American Occupation post-WWII a boom of movie distribution took place with new film studios such as: Toho (y’all know them from any Godzilla movie ever made), Toei (if you know One Piece you know Toei but they’ve done a ton of films both animated and live action) and others. 

The story is straight forward, two peasants, Matashichi and Tahei who bicker their asses off like an old married couple the entire film, happen upon a Very Hot Man with the Only Thighs Out (Toshiro Mifune was a BABE) named Rokurota and his companion a icy young woman named Yuki. 

Matashichi and Tahei have just escaped like, a ton of ~circumstances that include failing to become samurai, being broke as fuck, getting captured and forced into servitude - don’t worry that lasted like 6 hours tops - and then find gold hidden in a stick on a mountain. 

Turns out Rokurota has all the stick gold they could want! So they team up neither realizing Rokurota and Yuki are actually part of a clan that’s been recently wiped out and they’re on the run from a rival clan who has wiped theirs out. Yuki is the princess of said clan and it’s only survivor, while Rokurota is her samurai general and retainer. 

Tahei and Matashichi, living in ignorance of these facts, try to steal the gold away from them because they live that hustle life until the end when all is revealed and Yuki grants them both with a gold piece to share (this is a really big piece of stick gold). 

There’s other things that happen, like a fight scene between Rokurota and rival clan member, Yuki owning every single scene she in - I fucking love her - but that’s the gist. 

The story is, again, pretty uncomplicated, it balances the comedy of Tahei & Matashichi with the stoicism of Rokurota and Yuki well, and all the acting is strong. In terms of its film style, by modern day standards it’s not especially “cinematic” Kurosawa doesn’t favor fanetic camera movements, his camera is often very still and the movement he employs is often in individual character ticks, and/or background set pieces. This film has a lot of great set pieces. 

Kurosawa didn’t employ camera techniques like panning, he doesn’t really do extreme close ups, there's no swooping shots or fancy tricks, I’d say a majority of the camera shots in The Hidden Fortress are a combination of mid, and wide, with a few mid-close ups. One thing to notice is Kurosawa’s use of scene cuts; instead of a cut he used pan sweeps to change scenes. If you’ve ever watched a Star Wars film you know exactly what I mean. 

The Hidden Fortress, first and foremost, is an action adventure film. It has more in common tonally with Top Gun Maverick or Star Wars A New Hope, in that it's straight forward, sincere, and grand in scale, grounded by a very honest set of characters who are strongly motivated. 

I feel like in modern day discussions we association “action/adventure” films in a sorta of negative way; this is probably due, in part, to the oversaturation of the high budget blockbusters of the last ten years - oh MCU, how you’ve fallen - that are overly bombastic, overly complicated, overly connected, and the root of what audiences connect with - the characters - tends to be lost. 

Scott Lang's motivations in Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania are to protect his teenager daughter and the family he's built, which are simple, strong, and relatable character motivations. However, they got lost in the conventions of the plot, the frantic energy of the film, the simple amount going on around Scott that his motivations become less a central focus and thus he becomes small within his own film. We, the audience, become distant and it grows more difficult to connect with what's happening. This can still work on some level, the Fast and Furious franchise isn't successful because it's sophisticated, but the Fast-chise has embraced it's cheesier conventions and spectacle, while blockbusters like the MCU's output, simple juggle to much all at once. It also helps that while the cast keeps growing in the Fast and Furious films, there's still less than ten characters you have to actually know and care about. To fully understand and connect with the characters of The Marvels, you have to watch Ms. Marvel and WandaVision on Disney+ and the task becomes more akin to homework than simply the enjoyment of watching a movie. 

The epic scale grows so large it feels daunting, rather than exhilarating. 

I think this is why a film like Winter Soldier, more so than most MCU films of the last decade, has continued to be a fan favorite of the universe and of blockbuster lovers whether you are a fan of the MCU or not. At its root, Winter Soldier is character driven, with deeply motivated characters,  which is what makes the action and adventure aspects stick. 

The Hidden Fortress is similarly character driven with a simple and straightforward story that is about honor, loyalty, a princess, a loyal samurai/knight, rebuilding a decimated clan, and two “normal” characters to keep everything grounded and relatable. Which in turn, helps make it timeless. While the filmmaking itself isn't grandiose as what modern audiences may be used to, Kurosawa knows how to direct a scene and more than that, direct his actors. Mifune is commanding as always, but for me, it's really actress Misa Uehara as Princess Yuki that steals the movie. 

Lady Snowblood

Released in 1973 and based on a manga of the same name by Kazou Koike and Kazuo Kaminura, directed by Toshiya Fujita, Lady Snowblood and its sequel Lady Snowblood: Love Song of Vengeance are considered cult classics. Lady Snowblood, famously, is Quentin Tarantino’s inspiration for his Kill Bill saga (like, a freaking lot). 

Lady Snowblood is a part of the era of “new wave” and “pink films” that were emerging in Japan and elsewhere. Stateside I think a close equivalent to both the style and content of Lady Snowblood and other films like it are exploitation films. In fact while watching Lady Snowblood I couldn’t help but get exploitation film vibes just off the aesthetics and thematics of the film itself. 

To break down Lady Snowblood’s plot it goes like this: Yuki is tasked with getting revenge on four people who had a hand in her father, and older brother’s murder, and her mother’s rape (which is seen on screen so warning for y’all this is def a Does the Dog Die movie). 

Yuki’s mother kills one of her rapists, but is imprisoned before she can kill the others and while in prison she purposely gets pregnant so her child can carry on her revenge after she dies. Yuki is born, and raised by one of the fellow inmates and a priest who trains her in martial arts. She’s raised as a “demon”, whose only purpose is revenge for her mother, father, and brother. And boy does she get revenge the film is violent and graphic (even if by modern day standards the blood looks fake as fuck the emotions are there). 

Like The Hidden Fortress this film is very character driven, with a highly motivated protagonist but it’s also revels far more in it's violence and the spectacle of that violence. Yuki, in comparison to her earlier counterpart Princess Yuki, is the driver of the action in the story. She's an active participant in the plot, and the story centers around her. Princess Yuki is commendable, she's compassionate, and she makes decisions, but the story is more about what she represents - a fallen princess - than what she does. She's symbolic, the embodiment of a leader, a samurai spirit of nobility who becomes a leader worth following. Yuki, on the other hand, needs no protection from others, she's a much more direct and active part of the story since the story is hers - and her mothers - she's more elegant than regal, and there's nothing necessarily 'noble' about her.  She's not seeking to rebuild her clan as a leader, her motivations are singularly about her revenge quest to fulfill her mother's dying wish. 

In some ways, they're very similar - Yuki also feels compassion for another woman who's been used by the men around her as Princess Yuki does - and in others they are very different and speak to the changing expectations and idealizations of women from the 1950s to 1970s. 

Lady Snowblood is also way more violent than any Kurosawa film I’ve watched including The Hidden Fortress. While there is action in The Hidden Fortress, it’s all employed with specific purpose. Which is one of Kurosawa’s strengths as a director. It’s calculated and singular. Yes blood spurts up in Yojimbo but it's limited; quick and efficient, with more in common with John Wick or Collateral than the more fantastical and aesthetic Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez fare. 

Lady Snowblood revels in the aesthetic violence, there’s no “purpose” for Yuki to cut an already dead person in half, she does it out of pure frustration and for the glory of showing the audience that internal rage. Of a body hanging, dripping blood and gore onto the clean floor as the curtain draws to a close. 

The film also features on screen rape, sex, and nudity which The Hidden Fortress does not. There’s an implication that characters in the film would assault Princess Yuki if they could, but nothing ever goes beyond brief implication (still gross tho guys come on). Whilst in Lady Snowblood, the rape is brutal, the violence is brutal, and the emotions are far more intense because of it all. 

The allowance - for lack of a better term - of this kind of material showcases a cultural shift overall in the terms of visual storytelling filmmaking began experimenting with in telling, and in what audiences were responding too. Lady Snowblood was a beloved success for its overall low budget. In comparison to the two, The Hidden Fortress is filmed better, with more technique and focus, Lady Snowblood almost seems rustic in comparison, but it's a sort of rustic that speaks to experimentation. 

Low angles from a characters pov staring high above her, extreme zooms on Yuki's burning eyes, the oversaturated colors of red-orange blood or green walls or white clothes, the starless pitch black sky as powdery snow falls. The images are arresting even if at times they're choppy, and while the film opts for non-linear chapter breaks to create a story flow in comparison to Kurosawa's iconic screen swipes and straight forward narrative, yet, both work. 

Gohatto

Behold, the promised gay cinema I promised. 

Gohatto is a 1999 film directed by Nagisa Oshima based on the short story, Shinsengumi Keppuroku by Ryotaro Shiba. 

Gohatto is a pretty late entry in the new wave/pink films of its heyday but those films were Oshima’s bread and butter. Often dubbed as one of Japan’s cinema outlaws for his anti-establishment films, one of his films, Night and Fog in Japan (1960) was pulled from theaters all together. Most people in the west will probably know him even tangentially for his queer film Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence starring David Bowie and Beat Takeshi or for this absolutely banger quote from the New York Times article, A Japanese Film Master Returns to his Cinema: 

(If you’re a BTS fan, the composer Suga and RM like, Ryuichi Sakamoto, both starred and composed the main theme of Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence Forbidden Colors, he plays the guy in love with David Bowie’s character)

Gohatto combines the setting of a Kurosawa film, with the more experimental storytelling of Lady Snowblood, whilst imbuing the film with more surrealistic elements and more complexity. And making it gay like - for real for real. 

Gohatto goes like this: it’s the late 18th century in Japan, everything politically is on shaky ground, and the shinsengumi are looking for newbies to join ranks. Welp, they find two promising newbies and wouldn’t ya know it one newbie, Kano, is like, hella pretty. He’s got bangs. 

He’s so pretty in fact that all these other dudes in the shinsengumi crew wanna smash, I mean down bad like the Taylor Swift song or whatever I don’t listen to Taylor Swift. 

This is all treated with a lackadaisical normality; there’s teasing about “I never considered sleeping with a man before, but damn that Kano kinda…” but there’s never a moment of “omg they’re GAY?”

Beat Takeshi’s - who’s also in this film, he’s been in a lot fo queer films I'm noticing - character Vice-Commander Hijikata Toshizo often asks other characters not if they’re attracted to Kano - the implication being that they are - but rather if they are in love with Kano. Because lust is fleeting, but love is dangerous to your duty. 

Kano also might be a spy, or a murderer, it’s all very ambiguous and the ending isn’t a “happy” one. This isn’t a film about a love story of any sort, it has more in common with erotic thrillers than the action adventure of The Hidden Fortress, or the rape revenge fantasy of Lady Snowblood. Where as the former films have definitive endings, Gohatto ends ambiguously. 

What actually happened? And why did it happen? What did it all mean, in the end? The film offers no strict answers to these questions, asking instead, that its audience to come to their own conclusions. It’s also much more historical than the previous two films, taking real life historical figures like: Hijikata Toshizo, Okita Soji, and Kondo Isami and asking the question, “hm, what if they all maybe fell in love with this super pretty man before being overthrown and what does that mean metaphorically?” 

The Hidden Fortress doesn’t ask its audience to interrogate society in any meaningful way and that’s not a knock against it, it’s just an observation. Lady Snowblood specifically presents the plight of women, and a slight take on classism within the system, through the lens of violence and destruction. Gohatto is much more metaphorical, it’s not providing the audience with a direct message like the former two films, but presenting it’s thematics in a much more abstract way. The Hidden Fortress is an action adventure, with heroes who achieve their goals and overcome their obstacles. Lady Snowblood is a rape revenge with an understandable protagonist who succeeds in her bloody revenge. Gohatto has no heroes, and offers no straightforward catharsis at the end of its story story. 

Its film style is also far more atmospheric compared to the epic scale and straightforwardness of The Hidden Fortress, or the lower budget charming violence of Lady Snowblood. 

There’s lots of mood lighting, overhead shots of characters dimly lit, camera cuts to rain after two characters have sex, extreme close ups of one character observing Kano’s eyes and lips. It’s not a black and white film like The Hidden Fortress, but it’s not nearly as saturated in color and brightness as Lady Snowblood. 

Lady Snowblood drips with color, and light, even at night there always almost seems to be a spotlight on Yuki with an empty starless sky in the background. Gohatto is much more grounded in realism than high visual aesthetics, opting to create more of a lingering dreamlike trance or fog to the cinematography when the story’s final act begins to unfold. 

Yet, one thing Gohatto has in common with both The Hidden Fortress and Lady Snowblood is its violence; operating somewhere between the two. Like The Hidden Fortress the violence is quick, purposely, and specific, and like Lady Snowblood blood spurts, gushes, and heads are displayed proudly and grotesquely.

Kubi

Kubi is a 2023 film directed by Takeshi Kitano aka Beat Takeshi - this is the third time his name has been dropped in relation to a queer film in this post go Beat Takeshi - based on a novel of the same name that Kitano also wrote. 

Kubi is like Beat Takeshi’s sengoku period slash RPF fanfic come to gruesome bloody (literal, not British) life. A period piece epic; Kubi is both about samurai warlords and a historical event known as the honno-ji incident, which took place in 1582. It features various historical figures like Oba Nobunage - if you’ve watched some anime or played some JRPGs you’ve probably at least heard of this name before - and other prominent historical figures of the time. 

The basic gist of the movie is Oba Nobunage is both really good at his job, so he’s super powerful politically, but he’s also a grade-a asshole whom all the other important samurai lords fucking hate. However, they also all fucking hate each other and all want to take Nobunage’s place and get all that sweet, sweet power for themselves. The honno-ji incident involved one of these guys doing a coup for reasons still unknown today and then pretty much almost immediately dying swiftly after leaving another samurai lord to take over. 

Kubi takes these historical events, and is like “okay but what if we added some gay innuendo and gay sex to this drama?” with more beheadings than a French revolution. 

Out of all the films on this list Kubi is, admittedly, the one I enjoyed the least, however, it’s an interesting retrospective on the growth of both the Japanese film industry and this specific genre in and of itself. 

Kubi’s film style is very modern, it’s beautiful, it’s sleek, it’s expensive looking. And yet there’s specific scenes that feel like callbacks to the Kurosawa era, like the black and white flashback between Nobunage and his fellow samurai lords. One of Kurosawa’s top films was Kitano’s Hana-Bi (1997), and Kitano has worked with Kurosawa’s daughter on costume design on four other films as well, so these references feel not only purposely because of general influence but also referential in a way. 

In terms of story and tone, Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress is sincere and straightforward, Lady Snowblood is experimental and fearless, Gohatto is introspective and suspenseful, whilst Kubi is unrelenting and even feels mocking at times. There is no break in Kubi's violence, there's almost no tenderness or softness, characters are selfish, and self-centered. The selfish, but joyful peasants in The Hidden Fortress don't exist here, and are replaced with a peasant character who murders his own friend and then rejoices over being relived of his family once he discovers they were murdered too. At times, Kubi feels like a subversion of the more glamourous depictions of the samurai in film. Which feels as though following similar footsteps established in Gohatto which also explored, subtextually, the faults within the samurai media persona. 

At times the film feels almost like a dark comedy, it doesn’t glamorize these samurai warlords, nor their clans, nor their ideals in the way The Hidden Fortress does, nor does it interrogate them in the way Gahotto does. Instead the story at hand is presented with a brutal realism, objective if a bit mocking with a side order of gay sex. Which isn’t presented in a mocking way so much as just an everyday aspect of life. 

When Mitsuhide and Murashige are caught by spies sleeping together there’s no shock or awe about it, just a calm report and the bigger issue is Mitsuhide hiding a fugitive more so than him sleeping with a man.

Similarly, when Nobunage is literally fucking one of his vassals in front of Mitsuhide, it’s not to disgust the other man, but rather a powerplay of sorts to make the latter jealous - at one point Nobunage promises if Mitsuhide accomplishes a mission for him, he’ll sleep with him - and it seemingly works to some degree. There’s subtext throughout the film that Mitsuhide might be, if not in love with Nobunage, want him in an obsessive way all the same (including being down to bone). 

Like with Gohatto the queerness is inherent, just a part of the culture. It’s not “romance” by any means, but it is simply a part of life and the culture itself. 

In terms of characters, Kubi's characters couldn't be more different from the characters in the previous mentioned films. The Hidden Fortress characters like Princess Yuki and Rokurota are easy to like, honorable, quiet, steadfast; while Matashichi and Tahei are less outright likable they offer a grounding and relatable to the big presence that are the former two. In Lady Snowblood, Yuki is quiet, calculating and menacing in her own right, truly embodying the idea of cold vengeance which makes her intriguing. In Gohatto Kano is elusive, which adds to his sensual allure, Okita is playful yet clearly hiding a more sinister air about him, and you just feel bad for Tashiro who’s pushy but seemingly sincere in his affections for Kano. 

Kubi has no by-the-by “likable” characters, every character is out for themselves in some way shape or form. So much so that the brief tenderness between Mitsuhide and Murashige is like a balm to a burn. Though I did absolutely enjoy the scene-chewing of Ryo Kase who played Nobunage. While Nobunage isn't a "likable" character by any means, he was so fun and engaging to watch he became a highlight of the film. 

Stylistically, this is a very modern epic film; it’s the type of film in terms of scale I imagine Kurosawa could have made if he had access to the same technology, but also wouldn’t because there’s no stillness or sincerity to it. The violence is also more in line with Lady Snowblood, but with a budget. Heads are lopped off with ease and at times with glee, dead bodies, headless bodies with crabs crawling out of the necks, a literal pile of heads for trophies it’s all here. It’s beautifully and dynamically filmed, it has a similar scale of a Lord of the Rings, or a Creation of the Gods I: Kingdom of Storms. 

Big set pieces, big costumes, big landscapes, big battles, and bigger body counts. It also has the largest cast of any film on the list - kinda neat that Kitano and Asano Tadanobu were both in Kubi and Gohatto together - and the best costumes of the bunch. 

It also, in my opinion, has the most complicated plot of all the films because of the heavy political intrigue - though this, admittedly, could be because of the culture gap as I’m not overly familiar with Japanese history. 

Okay so like, where does all this leave us in terms of those original bullet points? 

The Original Bullet Points

Japanese Cinema hasn’t changed since the 1950s 

If there's one thing - well okay many things cause I'm greedy but overall - I hope I've been able to outline here with these four films is that obviously Japanese cinema has changed since the 1950s. And thoroughly at that. Not just in terms of style, but in terms of character presentation, tone, stories technology, experimentation, and a growing reflection of the shifting and developing culture. 

It’s not simply that all four of these films are different stories, but that all four of these films are addressing different aspects of their modern culture via these period pieces, as well as, viewing this time period in ways that reflect the filmmakers own experiences and how they feel or felt about the world. 

Kurosawa was born in 1910 to Kitano’s 1947, Fujita and Oshima’s 1932. Kurosawa’s father was a member of an actual samurai family, his worldview would be thoroughly different from someone like Oshima, or Kitano, or Fujita’s. Some overlap, sure, but also still thoroughly different. 

And I feel that you can see that in their films; Kurosawa’s samurai films are almost referential at times, not always, but his work with Toshiro Mifune often leans that way; in The Hidden Fortress Mifune’s Rokurota is deeply loyal to his lord, the Princess Yuki, to the point that he won’t shed tears over his own sister being executed in her place. He spares the life of a rival because he respects him even though they stand on opposing sides. 

The samurai in Gohatto and Kubi aren’t nearly so idealized nor idolized, there’s very little “honor” in Kubi and even less loyalty. Whilst in Gohatto there’s a deep and subtle interrogation of the strict and oppressive bylaws of the shinsengumi. In one such scene, Kano is having drinks with a man who is interested in him, Yuzawa, who’s passionately talking about how the shensengumi uphold oppressive ideals including classism. 

[And then he jumps Kano’s bones I guess politics got the dude going lmao]

The Hidden Fortress’ Princess Yuki is at first, masculine - in story she was raised as a man rather than a princess - from the way she walks to the way she talks. She’s fierce, and upstanding, while also being compassionate to other members of her clan; even saving a young woman who’s a member of her clan that had been sold. There’s a regal quality to Princess Yuki. 

In comparison, Yuki in Lady Snowblood is elegant, and feminine, before striking out violently. Princess Yuki never has an “action scene” and in fact for a chunk of the film has to pose as a deaf woman to hide her identity. While not a passive participant in the plot, nor does she directly drive the action herself. While Yuki, well the entire movie is driven by her actions and the actions of her mother. The story is first and foremost, hers. 

Meanwhile women just like, they don’t exist in Gohatto or Kubi they’re like, in the ether~~~ they’re drifting, keeping out - or kept out? - of the drama. 

Given the vast differences in both style, tone, story and execution, how can you say wholeheartedly that Japanese cinema hasn’t changed since the 1950s? 

Japanese film style falls under an extreme dichotomy of cinematic/sweeping (described as “atmospheric”) or cartoonish/slapstick (described as “live action manga”)

I’m just…not gonna get into the overall history of Japan's adaptation of manga into live action films cause it would derail this conclusion and I ain’t got the time for that. I would like to note, Lady Snowblood is a live action film based on a manga of the same name - and it is not slapstick. It doesn’t even have comedic elements, it is a violent rape revenge story; I don’t think there’s a single moment where I chuckled. The Hidden Fortress is far lighter in tone, while Gohatto has more in common with Lady Snowblood - deeply and sincerely serious - and Kubi goes for a darker sort of comedy. 

This is just incorrect information. Personally I’m of the mind that “cinematic/sweeping is too broad a spectrum to even quantify as a film genre they are descriptors. 

That said, I don’t think Lady Snowblood is cinematic or sweeping. Gohatto is the only one on the list that’s even close to “atmospheric” though all four films have atmosphere - because atmosphere is a film technique it’s not a genre of film - The Hidden Fortress and Kubi are the only two I could qualify as “cinematic/sweeping” because they’re going for a larger bombastic scale. Though I feel folks watching The Hidden Fortress in the modern day might not find it cinematic because of how static and slow the film can be at times - the first act is long and drags quite a bit. 

To place such a strict dichotomy on an entire industry of filmmaking is simply bad film critique at best and xenophobic at worst given the context here. I’ve only talked about four films in one singular genre, I didn’t mention the countless other new wave films, or the birth of the kaiju genre with Godzilla, the expansion into horror and grindhouse - where does a film like Tag (2015) fit into such a strict dichotomy? -  nor the long, long history of animated works from various insanely highly influential and/or successful directors like Satoshi Kon, Makoto Shinkai, Hideaki Anno, Rintaro, Mamoru Hosoda, Mamoru Oshii, Isao Takahata, I mean the list goes on and on. 

If you expand your horizons you’ll find so many amazing films that do not flatly sit in this one or the other imposed categorization. Think about what queer cinema you may be missing out on by adhering to this imposed binary. 

Baby does any of this have to do with BL? (no, but it IS more gay than you think)

So, in the end, what does this have to do with BL? I would say it has both little and a lot to do with BL/GL which are genres all their own in Japan and other neighboring countries; as such their subject to the same waves, exploration and expansion as the four aforementioned films. 

It’s easy, if intellectually dishonest and academically lazy, to look at The Novelist and What Did You Eat Yesterday and say “BL only comes in two shapes and sizes”. 

There’s chocolate or vanilla and that’s it. When in reality there’s lots of ice cream flavors available, even if chocolate and vanilla are the best sellers it doesn’t mean strawberry or mint chocolate chip don’t exist. 

Where does animated BL fall into this western imposed binary? How does capitalism affect the output of what gets made for the screen and how? How does the political climate affect what’s being financed? Are BL and GL works that are being made somehow unaffected, existing in a stasis state, by the works across the film industry? Even from other queer works of film? What are we, as outsiders, not considering when we engage with this media? 

If we’re only looking at BL/GL for “queer representation” what films and/or television are we missing out on from these countries? What BL/GL are we missing by only engaging with what's put in front of us, and not diving deeper into learning more, expanding our individual knowledge, and experiencing stories that might take some work towards seeing? Stories that might be outside of our direct comfort zones because they don't fall into those strict if seemingly comforting boxes. What exploration into queer identity are we denying or ignoring the existence of because of these imposed binaries? 

I know some folks who are more well versed in BL history that would and do consider Gohatto and Kubi BL or BL adjacent, but I also know most western, especially American, audiences would consider neither of these films BL. 

So where does that leave them?

Further Reading: 

Cinematic History: Defining Moments in Japanese Cinema, 1926-1953

A Brief But Essential Introduction to Japanese Cinema

Filmmaking from Japan: The Golden Age of Japanese Cinema

Nagisa Oshima: Banishing Green

JAPANESE SOFTCORE: THE LAST OF TOKYO'S PINK EIGA THEATERS

The Last Samurai: A Conversation with Takeshi Kitano

The Evolution of the Japanese Anime Industry

Check out other related posts in the series:

Film Making? In My BL? - The Sign ep01 Edition | Aspect Ratio in Love for Love's Sake | Cinematography in My BL - Our Skyy2 vs kinnporsche, 2gether vs semantic error, 1000 Stars vs The Sign | How The Sign Uses CGI | Is BL Being Overly Influenced by Modern Western Romance Tropes? | Trends in BL (Sorta): Genre Trends

[oneatlatime]

The Headband

I don't care how dormant a volcano supposedly is. Living in the maw of one would absolutely freak me out.

Zuko out for his nightly constitutional lurking practice.

I want this snuggy cape.

No better disguise than a cloud 1.2 metres from the ground. That's where all clouds hand out. Cool puffins though.

Enemy puffins approve of new fluffy Sokka.

Did Sokka just dive headfirst into rock?

I do not like this angle. Looks like his head's on backwards.

This episode is three minutes in and already I'm loving the comic tone.

Wow Katara, with the enthusiasm you're showing for stealing those clothes, they must belong to pirates.

These are some top tier nonsense sound effects. Far too few of those in recent episodes.

Beat up Sokka quota fulfilled!

Toph has by far the best outfit. Love the gold accents.

We've had two seasons of blatantly blue Katara not being identified by the Fire Nation as a Water Tribe person. I think the necklace can stay.

His headband is an airbender arrow. So much for disguising himself.

I would love it if linguistic drift meant that Aang was going around tossing out slurs completely unaware.

WHAT is this face

"Just slob is fine." I ADORE characters that are so secure in themselves and in their belief in the decency of others that all attempts at ridicule slide off like water off a duck's back.

He does it again! "Wow. Are you a bully? This is so exciting! I've always wanted to meet a bully!"

Onji - get better taste in men. Why are you even dating this prick? Did you have any say in becoming his girlfriend? Blink twice if you need help.

These Fire Nation kids are all so mild. Contrast them with Zuko and they might as well be a different species.

What is Hide and Explode?

Sokka is showing a mastery of slapstick that I haven't seen since The Fortune Teller. Glad to have it back.

Is this the first time someone has recognised Zuko by his scar? About time.

Was it really necessary to beat up the guard? Seems a bit much. Zuko could have just asked nicely. That usually works for Iroh.

Speaking of: Iroh! Hi Iroh! Didn't think you'd still be alive.

Noodle Ozai. Did Aang get put in preschool by accident?

Those hippies should do a song about Secret Rivers.

Tired of spending three years talking to Zuko without making any progress, Iroh decides to attempt a new technique and deploys the silent treatment. It works just as well as three years of talking.

Colour me completely unsurprised that the Fire Nation has a pledge of Allegiance.

This school must have some gnarly punishments if questioning the teacher garners this reaction.

This man's head is alarming.

This man is also surprisingly nice for a fascist agent of the state bent on suppressing personal expression.

Movements? Aang you were showing her MOVEMENTS! GASP! FILTHY!

I love this fight. It's been a while (maybe back to season 1) since Aang's preferred fighting style was 'Nope'.

They haven't committed to the bit this hard since Bonzu Pippinpadalopsicopoulous, the Third!

It's funny how we spent two whole seasons haunted by nothing but threatening shadows of the Fire Lord, and then an episode after his face is finally revealed they turn him into part of the decor. He even gets a noodle version.

Play Spot the Firelord with this episode. I count four.

Sokka is having way too much fun with this.

Just going to sneak a reference to child labour in there. Gnarly punishments indeed.

Local Emos Experience Happiness for the First Time; Immediately Implode.

I'm sorry but Mai's cloak has such Santa vibes.

That is some serious side eye.

"You get to be normal all the time." Aang is pulling no punches today.

Where did they get this many candles? Actually, where did they get that many matches? They don't even have a Firebender on staff.

Poor kid is objectively correct. I guarantee your parents don't want you dancing in a cave. It will be good for you though! just don't lick the walls.

No wonder the Fire Nation got rid of dancing. Those moves are awful.

Zuko! "I brought you this food that I know you don't like because I need your help." Buddy. Why.

I could do without the heavy-handed Katara and Aang romance. Also, when exactly did Katara learn advanced gymnastics and choreograph a whole routine with Aang?

I hate this twerp so much!

That song the band is playing right as the adults bust in is better than the songs featured earlier in the dance montage.

I love this guy.

i know that the soundtrack probably went from diegetic to non-diegetic as soon as the chase started, but I love the idea that the school band provided theme music for searching for Aang.

Delightfully eerie. and also very Spartacus.

Actually with the guards starting to dance, it WAS the school band providing a soundtrack for the Aang hunt.

Is Momo at the reins?

How is this assassin good at keeping secrets and not being followed? He creaks and clanks.

Final Thoughts

I loved this. This type of episode is when Avatar is at its best: heaps of goof, a side helping of heart, subtle and not-so-subtle critiques organically incorporated, tonally contrasting storylines that combine to form a whole greater than its parts, and even one-note characters who are given depth.

Aang was in his element as a normal kid; Sokka was having a great time being super agent / team dad; poor Katara and Toph got like two lines each but still had fun with what they did get. Even Momo got some sight gags.

Aang is so personable. I think it's the combination of great social skills from a good peripatetic upbringing and being a peacetime child.

I think Zuko experienced every possible human emotion this episode. I loved seeing him snark with Mai (those two are way too good together), but his scenes with/revolving around Iroh were confusing and intense. Which is probably how Zuko would describe them too. Seems he's speedrunning his season 1 bad decisions arc.

I'm not fond of this new silent treatment approach from Iroh, but I have to admit that talking to Zuko didn't work for years, so what else is there to try?

I wasn't expecting a Footloose homage and a Spartacus reference in Avatar of all places. But it works. And it works if you don't catch the references too.

I am severely disappointed in Fire Nation fashion. I was expecting gloriously eye-searing red/gold/yellow outfits. I got black/tan/brown with dull red edging. It's probably a visual commentary on what imperialism does to its own people. And the price of dyes. But I was really looking forward to reds and golds! At least I have Toph's outfit.

I loved the liberal use of sound effects in the Gaang's plot. I love comic sound effects on their own, but they really enhanced the contast between Zuko and the Gaang's plots.

There was lots of heavy stuff under the surface this episode, what with the squashing of the self and the discrimination against colonials and the propaganda and the revisionist history and the assassin. But I feel like being silly today, so I'm not going to dig into it. That's one of the great things about this show. Not all, but many episodes are structured so that you can choose your level of engagement and consequent angst.

This episode was funny, and fun. A much-needed palette cleanser after the drudge of the season opener. The last time there was an episode this unapologetically silly was probably Avatar Day. In other words, it's been far too long. Definitely going on my rewatch list.

I really want Zuko's snuggy cape.

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 01x40 - The Four Heavenly Kings of the Mountain of Evil! Dark Masters / Enter the Dark Masters

Previously on Digimon Adventure: The Chosen Children discovered Vamdemon's ultimate weakness: Forceful, repeated nut shots. After wailing on his vulnerable point until he fell over and died, they bid farewell to their loved ones and fucked off via rainbow magic without explaining anything to most of their confused, scared parents.

It's cool, they'll be back in like a minute. Thanks, time dilation!

The Four Heavenly Kings are a quartet of Buddhist devas who preside over the cardinal directions. They're kind of a big deal in Buddhist mythology and they come up a lot in Japanese pop culture. Anime and video games love the Four Heavenly Kings.

They're the Kais and the Supreme Kais in Dragon Ball. They're the Saint Beasts in Yu Yu Hakusho. The Elite Four in Pokemon. The Four Giants that must be rescued in Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. They're all over the place.

Notably, despite being called "kings", they are rarely the top of the hierarchy and typically serve a single master who stands above them all. The Heavenly Kings bend their knees to Taishakuten, supreme ruler over all devas. He governs from the peak of a great mountain at the center of all directions.

So where you find Four Heavenly Kings in media, you will often find a supreme lord of the center who sits above them. (Though not necessarily always; Yu Yu Hakusho, for instance, omitted that part.)

Digimon, too, has its Four Heavenly Kings. In fact, like Dragon Ball, it has multiple sets - with the penultimate villains of Adventure 01 being a corrupt and evil version of the concept, which is also not uncommon with Heavenly King portrayals.

They were not the first to come up with "Four Heavenly Kings BUT EVIL" and they will not be the last. Heavenly King references are a fun and easy way to fill in the top-dog super-elite enforcers for your primary bad guy.

So, without further adieu, we open this episode on the introduction of the titular Dark Masters, who govern four of the five traditional elements: Water, wood, metal, and slapstick comedy.

Spoiling their names a bit but I'm not gonna spend this whole scene calling them Clown Bro and Gatling Puppet. Piemon, pronounced "Pee-eh-mon" and not "Pie-mon", kicks us off. He's secretly monitoring the humans back in Japan, observing the Chosen Children preparing to return.

He's doing this through the truly ingenious method of pointing a giant-ass telescope at the reality tear in the sky and looking at Japan with his eyes.

Piemon: Those fools wear masks of fear, waiting in futility for peace to return. Such a wonderful sight to behold! MetalSeadramon: (bursts from the water) This is stupid! We should attack! Pinochimon: Their flow of time moves differently from ours. We should take our time and pick them off one by one. Like him! Mugendramon: (silent, but for heavy breathing)

The camera slowly pans up Mugendramon's metal body. I'm not 100% certain on what Pinochimon is suggesting here, but I think he wants to use Mugendramon's cannons to, like, shoot up into the sky rifts and snipe humans while they're frozen in the glacially-moving time of the other world.

A horrifying thought. We should probably close those rifts.

The dub understood the assignment with Piedmon.

Piedmon: Hahaha! Those bit players are frozen with stage fright! Hopelessly waiting for the moment they'll be saved! And yet, there's an unseen twist to the plot! MetalSeadramon: I say we cut to the punchline and go straight for the action! Puppetmon: Oh please, that would be boring! I want to play this drama to the hilt! Let's pull out all the stops and give 'em what they paid for.

Piedmon's voice is basically perfect. He's being performed as an overenthusiastic virtuoso. For Puppetmon, they go a different direction; Pinocchimon is voiced like a young boy, while Puppetmon has this scratchy sneering voice like a little weasel man.

Far from the bestial roar of the original, the dub's MetalSeadramon sounds like a twenty-something young man with a southern twang in his voice. Interesting choice. That could get annoying or be hilarious. We'll see where that goes.

Machinedramon does not get to breathe heavily into the mic because they cut the part of Pinocchimon's line that calls him out and puts attention on him. So now the camera pans over him for no apparent reason while Puppetmon is talking.

Depending on whether my understanding is right, I could see them changing his line because holy shit that's violent and dark or because they, like me, weren't exactly sure what he was saying. Might be censorship, might be "Huh?"

Piemon: The Chosen Children will return soon. Our boredom is at its end. Now! Let us leave the dressing room! The stage curtains are rising!

Spotlights shine on each of the Dark Masters to punctuate his words.

Piemon: The title is: The End of the Chosen Children!

In the dub, Piedmon continues off of Puppetmon's changed line.

Piedmon: I'm in complete agreement! A quick victory would be a letdown. The DigiDestined will be on Spiral Mountain soon; We must rehearse before they get here. It will be their FINAL PERFORMANCE!!!

As a silence-breaker, he introduces them each individually to the audience when the spotlights come in.

Piedmon: MetalSeadramon! Puppetmon! And Machinedramon! I present to you the downfall of the DigiDestined!

The dub's front-loading a lot of proper nouns, though they never have a chance to name Piedmon. They even name-drop Spiral Mountain early.

While the Dark Masters make their plans, the children arrive in the Digital World and take stock of their surroundings.

Taichi: Are we back? Mimi: I think so.... Koushiro: We should be. Takeru: Is it night-time? Yamato: Looks like.

Sora looks up and suddenly lets out a shriek.

Sora: EHHHHH!?!? EVERYONE, LOOK!!!

Looking up into the sky above, they can see the island of Hokkaido floating in the sky above, as if the blue sky were the ocean. Hokkaido is one of the biggest parts of Japan, so this is very much like looking up and seeing Texas distantly floating upside-down in the air.

Group: WHUUUUUUH!?!? Taichi: H-HOKKAIDO!?!? Yamato: IS THAT EARTH!?!? Koushiro: We're able to see Earth from here, the same way we could see the DIgimon World from Earth earlier.

Poor Koushiro having to explain the obvious to his shocked colleagues. Sitting there like, "Come on, guys. We already know this is happening."

As a small microaggression towards my kid, Taichi's uncertainty and Mimi's confirmation is flip-flopped in the dub so that Tai's certain and Mimi's confused.

Tai: Well, it looks like we're back. Mimi: Back where? in the Digital World? Izzy: That's affirmative. T.K.: It's dark. Matt: Yeah! It's kind of weird!

The resulting line doesn't make a lot of sense. Where do you think we went back to, Mimi? The McDonalds we bullied Joe at? Not to be outdone, however, Matt promptly forgets how night works to take the pressure off of Mimi's dumb question. XD

I think they all have cosmic jet-lag.

Sora does not shriek when she notices the sky.

Sora: HEY!!! LOOK UP THERE!!! Group: WHUUUUUUH!?!? Tai: Talk about weird! Matt: Could that be Earth!? Izzy: It's merely speculation but it seems to be a reasonable facsimile. We see Earth from here like we saw the Digital World from Earth.

They cut the regional reference to Hokkaido which I actually think was a bad call. Japanese kids could reasonably recognize that island in the sky but Americans have no idea what they're looking at. It just looks like an ink blot.

So when the kids are like, "IS THAT EARTH!?!?"

Like.

Is it? Doesn't look like Earth to me. That is a weird dark shape in the clouds, not a planet. This is a confusing moment in the dub.

This might have been a good time to have, say, Joe chime in with a line like "I recognize that island; It's one of the biggest islands in Japan!" That way, the kids watching would understand what they're supposed to be seeing, because it is not clear at a glance with zero comprehension of Japanese geography.

Suddenly, Jou hears something rustling around in the brush.

Jou: Hm? Gomamon? What are you doing down there, Gomamon?

He walks over to where the sound's coming from, sifting through the grass. Gomamon pops out of Jou's duffel bag nearby.

Gomamon: Jou! I'm over here! Jou: Eh? Then who's this--GYAAAAAGH!!!

Chuumon erupts from the grass, attacking Jou and clawing at his face while screaming in a panic. The ground shifts, opening up a chasm beneath Jou, and Chuumon leaps away to safety.

Gomamon: JOU!!!

Jou grabs onto the newly created cliffside for dear life.

In the dub:

Joe: Hm? Gomamon? Hey, where are you? (Joe follows the sound, but Gomamon pops out of Joe's duffel) Gomamon: Joe, I've been snoozing over here! Joe: Huh? Oh, well we'll just save the world without you then-- (Joe gets attacked, then falls off a cliff) Gomamon: JOE!!! Joe: Wh-whoa! ...I didn't need this.

Again, weird scripting choice here. They replace his last line with a snarky gag, but visually Joe returns his attention to the spot he was investigating (and gets attacked for it) without indicating why he's still poking around that patch of grass.

Joe's understated whine of a silence-breaker is fantastic, though. He's so used to peril at this point that his reaction to falling off a cliff is basically a stone-faced, "Really. Okay." XD

Koromon, Tsunomon, Mochimon, Tokomon, and Pyocomon all take Jou getting attacked as encouragement to evolve into their Child-stages, ending their recovery periods. Plotmon remains Plotmon and Palmon trips, falling on her face in a funny moment in the middle of the dramatic charge.

Agumon, Gabumon, Patamon, and Palmon all move in on the attacker in the grass, but Hikari calls out.

Hikari: STOP!!!

Approaching the grass, Hikari crouches down and gently, softly addresses the terrified Digimon hiding in it.

Hikari: Don't be scared. You don't have to be scared. I'm not going to hurt you. You can come out.

Trembling in fear, Chuumon slowly emerges from the grass, then collapses in front of the kids.

Palmon: It's Chuumon! Mimi: You're right! That's Chuumon from File Island! (Chuumon opens his eyes at the sound of their voices.) Chuumon: Mimi-chan? Palmon?

We briefly flash back on better, or at least less despondent days, when Scumon and Chuumon met Mimi way back when.

Chuumon: I'm glad... you came back....

That's all Chuumon manages to get out before passing out.

In the dub:

Kari: HOLD ON!!! (Kari approaches the grass and crouches down) Kari: Come out! You're among friends. We won't hurt you. Don't be afraid. (Chuumon emerges) Palmon: Oh my goodness! It's Chuumon! Mimi: He looks terrible; What he needs is a complete makeover. (Chuumon opens his eyes at the sound of their voices.) Chuumon: Mimi? Palmon? (Brief flashback of meeting Mimi) Mimi (V.O.): Something bad happened. Sukamon and Chuumon used to be inseparable! (Flashback ends) Chuumon: I'm so glad you came back to save us....

They remove the part where Mimi ID's Chuumon as specifically the one from File Island, which is kind of important because there was a separate Scumon and Chuumon among PicoDevimon's shitty recruits earlier. Then again, the dub might not know those are different Digimon, given the confusion they had about Kuwagamon "following us from File Island" during the Etemon arc.

It's fine, though, because the flashback that follows does the job anyway. Plus she still calls them out in her silence-breaking flashback narration, so nothing is lost by the replacement of this line with a signature Mimi Quip.

It's actually Kari's dialogue that I take issue with. Not for the lines she says but the tone of voice. Rather than the soft, gentle tones that the original uses, she talks to Chuumon in her normal speaking voice. It's a small thing but it dampens the emotional impact of the moment and its demonstration of Hikari's sensitive empathy.

It doesn't ruin the scene, though; It just means the tone of the moment isn't as strong as it would otherwise be.

Suddenly Jou calls out, reminding everyone that he's still dangling off a cliff.

Jou: HEEEEEY SOMEONE HELP!!! Gomamon: Oops, I forgot!

Gomamon bounds over to the edge of the cliff to help Jou, only to be stymied by his biological limitations.

Gomamon: Waugh!? Jou: Gomamon, give me your hand! I can't climb back up on my own! Gomamon: (looks down at his flipper) Now, when you say to give you my 'hand'....

This is a callback to the Unimon episode way back on File Island; Jou's first spotlight episode. There, he'd ribbed Gomamon for offering to lend a "hand".

Taichi and Yamato arrive, looking at the ravine beyond Jou.

Taichi: This is...! Yamato: AH! Taichi: Jou, climb back up!

Jou briefly looks down, seeing that the ravine is deep beneath him, and shrieks. He scrambles to pull himself up, while Taichi and Yamato grab him and help pull him back onto the grass.

Jou: Help me! Yamato: Come on, hurry! Taichi: Grab on!

Once Jou's safely back on the ground, the three boys look into the deepening ravine, watching chunks of the landscape crumble and fall into it.

Yamato: What is happening here...?

In the dub:

Joe: Would somebody mind helping me!? Gomamon: Whoops, I forgot all about ya! (Gomamon runs over to Joe) Joe: You forgot. I'm hanging here by my elbows and you're off in la-la land! Gomamon: (looks down at his flipper) Gee, I wonder what it's like to have elbows? (Tai and Matt arrive) Tai: Joe!? Figures. Matt: Huh!? Tai: Hey, quit fooling around! (Joe looks down and shrieks; The boys pull him up.) Joe: Just help me, will ya!? Matt: Work with us! (Matt looks at the collapsing landscape) Matt: What's happening!? Everything's gone wacko!

The "hand" bit is replaced with Gomamon getting distracted by a non sequitur. Tai's dialogue is rewritten to be mean to Joe.

While everyone's dealing with Jou and Chuumon, Koushiro tries to contact Gennai.

Tentomon: Have you found Gennai-han? Koushiro: No, I haven't been able to get through.

Meanwhile, Mimi cradles Chuumon in her lap while the group gathers around him.

Palmon: He looks a lot less scared after seeing your face, Mimi. Piyomon: He must have been running on pure adrenaline. Sora: The poor thing.

Chuumon wakes up in Mimi's lap.

Mimi: Chuumon? Chuumon: Mimi-chan? You're really Mimi-chan! Mimi: That's right. What happened to you? Chuumon: (silently flinches away from the question) Palmon: Where's your pal Scumon? Chuumon: He's... He's dead!

Making that admission, Chuumon starts bawling. We cut to a flashback of Scumon and Chuumon living carefree lives on File Island.

Chuumon (V.O.): After Mimi-chan and the others left File Island, we spent our days peacefully like usual. Then, one day out of nowhere....

A huge earthquake rips through the island. Scumon and Chuumon run for their lives, but Scumon falls into a massive chasm that opens up. Chuumon calls after him, but a wave of darkness ushers up from the chasm, blowing him away.

Chuumon (V.O.): The powers of darkness enveloped the world. Then, to make it easier for darkness to rule, they reshaped the entire world....

In media, it's generally agreed that if you don't see a body, the character's going to come back. Digimon don't leave bodies behind, however, so just take my assurance that there's no trick here.

Scumon is actually dead. We will not see him again until 02, after he's had a chance to reincarnate at Primary Village. He was one of probably many casualties unluckily caught up in the Dark Masters' upheaval of the landscape.

In the dub:

Tentomon: Are you trying to get a hold of Gennai? Izzy: Well, I'm not playing Solitaire! (Cut to the kids gathered around Chuumon in Mimi's lap) Palmon: Chuumon's a mess! I wonder what happened to him. Biyomon: Well, whatever it was, it wasn't very pretty! Sora: Poor thing! (Chuumon wakes up) Mimi: Ah! Chuumon! Chuumon: Mimi.... I wasn't dreaming; It's really you after all! Mimi: Poor thing. Why don't you tell Mimi all about it?

I had issues earlier with Kari's voice but Mimi's tone here is perfect. I love the way she uses her own name as an emotional prybar to get Chuumon to open up, having recognized the unique influence she has in this moment.

Palmon: What happened to your friend Sukamon? Chuumon: I-I... I'm afraid I lost him.... (Chuumon starts bawling and goes into flashback) Chuumon (V.O.): After you guys left File Island, Sukamon and I went on with life as usual. You know, eating, eating, and more eating! When suddenly.... (The chasm rips apart File Island and Sukamon falls into the darkness below) Chuumon: I never saw him again! A powerful evil force took over the land, causing all kinds of bad things to happen! Then it rebuilt the Digital World so it would be easier to conquer! I've been hiding ever since.

The dub doesn't directly state that Sukamon's dead, but they don't unwrite his death either. They leave Sukamon's fate up in the air.

The kids have some questions about that last thing Chuumon mentioned.

Taichi: They reshaped the world? Koushiro: Into what?

Cut to an ambiguous length of time later; The sun's risen, so they must have been traveling a while to get here. Still carried in Mimi's arms, Chuumon shows the kids to the base of a colossal, twisting landmass composed of various biomes streaked up from the earth below.

Chuumon: Some places here or there are ruins of what they used to be, but most of it has been twisted up into that mountain. It's called Spiral Mountain.

Like many proper nouns in the Digital World, the name "Spiral Mountain" is in English.

Yamato: Spiral Mountain? Joe: I can't believe the Digimon World has changed so much....

Yeah, the Dark Masters reshaped the world into their own literally twisted version of the compass center Shumisen; The great mountain at the center of the universe upon which sits the heaven of the devas.

In the dub:

Tai: You mean the Digital World is completely changed from what it was? Izzy: How is it different? (Chuumon shows them to Spiral Mountain) Chuumon: Everything's been discombobulated and taken apart! The Digital World has been relocated way up there! It's called Spiral Mountain! There's nothing left here of the old world except some ruins! Matt: So you're saying it's all up there. Huh. Joe: Color me cynical but nothing surprises me about this place.

"The Digital World has been relocated way up there" is an awkward way to explain this. The Digital World hasn't been relocated; It's been reshaped, with most of its geographic mass twisted up into Spiral Mountain.

We are, right now, standing in the Digital World. We're just in the scant non-mountain bits that were left over.

As an aside, I like Joe's parting quip at the end of this exchange. XD

Taichi has more questions for the traumatized Chuumon.

Taichi: What happened to the other Digimon? Like Leomon? Chuumon: I don't know. But I've heard that everyone who's gone against them has been destroyed.... Sora: Against who? Chuumon: (hushed whisper) ...the Dark Masters....

The phrase "Dark Masters" is also in English.

Taichi: So then we have to fight these Dark Masters. Chuumon: FIGHT!?!? YOU'LL NEVER WIN!!! NEVER EVER!!! Taichi: Hey, we brought down Vamdemon! Mimi: It will be okay! As long as all eight of the Chosen Children are together, we can save the world!

Mimi's trying so hard to reassure Chuumon, but the very thought of these kids trying to resist the Dark Masters chills him to his bones.

In the dub:

Tai: Where did all the other Digimon go? Are they up there too? Where's Leomon? Chuumon: I don't know. But from what I've been told, they'll destroy anything that tries to get in their way! Sora: Who will? Chuumon: Who? The Dark Masters! Tai: Well, they couldn't be too much tougher than anybody else we've wrestled with before. Chuumon: No way! They'll beat the pants right off of you! Tai: We got rid of Myotismon, so we can get rid of them too! Mimi: Don't worry about it. As long as the eight of us are together, we'll keep those big bullies away from you!

This whole exchange is semantically very different, particularly when Chuumon gets in a pissing contest with Tai about how tough the Dark Masters are rather than panicking and screaming. But it's all lateral changes, I think. Same ideas expressed differently, nothing objectionable or especially noteworthy.

Suddenly, a deep, bestial laugh fills the air around the kids.

MetalSeadramon: HUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! CHOSEN CHILDREN!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!!!

The ground in front of them explodes into smoke and debris, then MetalSeadramon's titanic body erupts upwards from the smoke.

Chuumon: IT'S METALSEADRAMON!!!

Alright! Go ahead, Taichi. Go fight him. We'll wait here. :P

(In seriousness, Taichi's assessment was fair. The Dark Masters are each on the same level as VenomVamdemon. Chuumon has a different frame of reference because Ultimate-stage Digimon are so rare and mythical as to basically be unheard of.)

In any case, it's time for MetalSeadramon's rundown. He's an Ultimate-stage Data-type Cyborg Digimon; The Data Ultimate for the Deep Savers evolution tree, evolved from MegaSeadramon.

Narrator: MetalSeadramon. An Ultimate-stage Digimon whose entire body is covered in Chrome Digizoid, the strongest metal. He boasts colossal power and tremendous speed.

"Chrome Digizoid" is English. Well, Digizoid is a made-up word, but "Chrome" is English and Digizoid is English-like.

The kids run for it. MetalSeadramon moves quickly, swooping through the woods and smashing through the group. Though he fails to get a solid hit on anyone, he sends the kids tumbling to the ground in his wake.

Yamato: (trying to get up; pained) How can he move so fast with a body that huge!?

Over in the dub:

MetalSeadramon: HEEEHEHEHAHAHA!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, DIGIDESTINED!!! (MetalSeadramon erupts from the ground) Chuumon: OH NO, IT'S METALSEADRAMON!!! Chuumon: (rundown) This guy is one real hard nose! And I mean hard nose! Take my advice: This is one train that you would rather miss. (MetalSeadramon attacks, knocking the kids down) Matt: (trying to get up; pained) Okay, if that's the way you want it, we can play rough too!

Another instance of the dub swapping out dialogue to make the kids look stronger and more battle-hungry.

Chuumon's diegetic rundown sucks. The original rundown gives salient explanations for why MetalSeadramon is a force to be reckoned with. Dub Chuumon just says "He's really tough, trust me."

Getting up, the kids and their Partner Digimon prepare to fight back.

Taichi: Let's go, Agumon! Agumon: Got it! Yamato: Gabumon! Sora: I'm counting on you, Piyomon!

All eight Partner Digimon evolve to their Adult forms to throw down with MetalSeadramon.

It does not go well.

In fact, it goes tremendously unwell. Fighting him at -2 stages was a terrible idea.

Tailmon does manage to jerk aside before he can fucking eat her but they're still losing this fight badly. And embarrassing themselves in front of Chuumon who was already convinced the kids were screwed.

In the dub:

Tai: Let's go, Agumon! Agumon: Gotcha! Matt: Now it's our turn!

Sora's line gets snubbed. Rude.

Love the confidence on Matt, though. "Now it's OUR turn!" exclaimed while basically whipping out a switchblade to face down a gatling gun.

The dub makes minor edits to MetalSeadramon's brutal beatdown. The shot where his tail slams into Togemon is cut down; We see her go flying but we don't see the hit that threw her.

Dub Angemon inexplicably calls his Hand of Fate attack while getting bodied like the rest. They got to do their stock animation attacks and then get bodied, but he didn't get to do a stock animation attack first so I guess he got jealous.

Similarly, when Gatomon lunges at MetalSeadramon's face and immediately has regrets, she calls Lightning Paw in the dub. The original Tailmon was just... trying to tackle him in the face. Which is a terrible idea, so having her at least call an attack there makes sense.

Flying overhead, MegaSeadramon makes victory loopies in the sky.

Takeru: ANGEMON!!! Hikari: Tailmon.... MetalSeadramon: HUHAHAHAHA!!! As if you could win against me! Mimi: Why is this happening!? It's eight against one! (Koushiro suddenly looks up from his laptop with alarm) Koushiro: MetalSeadramon is an Ultimate-stage Digimon! Adult-stages can't win against him no matter how many there are! Taichi: He's Ultimate-stage!? Jou: Why does our first opponent have to be such a powerful one!? MetalSeadramon: You're finished. ULTIMATE STREAM!!!

MetalSeadramon's Ultimate Stream fires from the cannon on his nose, annihilating the landscape around the Chosen Children in a massive energy explosion. The eight Partner Digimon all wrap themselves around their partnered children to shield them from the blast.

Seriously, though, I said it for dub Matt earlier but I'll say it again here. You gotta love the sheer cockiness. Riding high on their victory against Vamdemon, they thought they could stroll in here, throw a few Meteor Wings and Mega Flames around, and the Dark Masters would roll over and die for them.

They thought VenomVamdemon was as bad as it gets. They were not prepared for more Ultimate Digimon.

In the dub:

T.K.: Angemon! Kari: Oh no! MetalSeadramon: (loopies) YOU SHOULD KNOW YOUR POWERS AREN'T STRONG ENOUGH!!! Mimi: How come he's beating us so badly!? (Izzy suddenly looks up from his laptop with alarm) Izzy: Ah! It's because he's a Mega Digimon, and even eight Champions can't overtake one Mega! He's stronger than all of us combined! Tai: Then we're lost without more power! Joe: Ever notice we're always in the wrong place at just the wrong time? MetalSeadramon: Now it's time to take one nasty ride!

Dub MetalSeadramon does not call his attack.

We go to commercial following MetalSeadramon's attack and come back to the kids recovering in a dark place.

Angemon: (cradling Takeru) Takeru, are you hurt? Takeru: I'm okay. Thank you, Angemon.

Angemon nods, but then they hear a low, bestial growling. Angemon whips his head around. There's something out there in the mists that he can't make out. He sets down Takeru and picks up his Holy Rod.

Takeru: What is it? Angemon: There's something here. I'll go take a look.

In the dub:

Angemon: (cradling T.K.) T.K., are you alright? T.K.: I thought I was broken, but I guess I must be okay!

The dub frequently misses sound cues for plot points that are strictly auditory, but they do capture the bestial growling that sets off Angemon here. Points for that.

T.K.: What's the matter? Angemon: Wait. I'll be back.

Angemon takes to the air, trying to scout ahead. In the distance, a metallic whirring sound revs up, and two bolts of light begin to glow in the mist.

Then they fire.

Before he knows what hit him, Angemon's pummeled by twin cannon shots.

Takeru: ANGEMON!!!

Regressing into Patamon, he flops helplessly across the grass, landing in front of Takeru.

Takeru: Patamon! Patamon, hang in there!

Mugendramon wheels forward out of the mist. And I do mean wheels; He doesn't actually walk, but rolls forward motionlessly like his feet have roller skates under them or something.

He roars aggressively, saying nothing. Koushiro checks his laptop, bringing us into our second Dark Master rundown.

Mugendramon is an Ultimate-stage Virus-type Machine Digimon. The Virus Ultimate from Metal Empire, completing the set with WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon. His name is derived from the Japanese word mugen, meaning infinite, and of course dramon/dragon. Mugendramon is the Infinite Dragon.

Koushiro: (laptop) Ah! That's another Ultimate-stage Digimon! Narrator: Mugendramon. An Ultimate-stage Digimon who wields unbelievable power. His special attack is Mugen Cannon.

Angemon took two shots from the Infinite Dragon's Infinite Cannon. It's a wonder he's even alive.

Over in the dub:

T.K.: ANGEMON!!! (Angemon reverts to Patamon and flops on the ground) T.K.: Oh no! Poor Patamon! (Machinedramon emerges) Izzy: (laptop) Ah! Be prepared for another Mega Digimon! Izzy: (rundown) He's called Machinedramon. This metallic mutant can blow out a Digimon just like a birthday candle!

The original rundown for this wasn't exactly super explanatory. It just said "Fucker strong." Izzy says the same but in the weirdest way possible. He's trying to make a quip out of it but, sorry Izzy, they can't all be winners.

Everybody Super-Evolves to face Mugendramon, except Angemon who is still slacking. Once in their Perfect stages, they have a plan. The plan is "Get him".

Not a great plan. Taichi endorses it because of course he does.

Taichi: Get him! Beat him up! Hikari: But we can't win.... Taichi: Eh?

Rushing Mugendramon in a mob, the Digimon try in vain to close distance. Mugendramon kicks back, enjoys his firing position, and mows them all down in a barrage of Mugen Cannon fire. This was a terrible plan of attack.

In the dub:

Tai: Come on, guys! Show him what you're made of! Kari: Hope they're made of something strong enough! Tai: Huh!?

Kari seems more onboard with this plan than Hikari was, though still more realistic than Tai about their chances.

Mugendramon keeps up the assault. One of his shots hits Angewomon, knocking her out of the sky. Hikari tries to catch her but her tiny child body gets crushed under Angewomon's larger bulk.

Good effort, Hikari. Eyes were a little bigger than your arms, though.

Mugendramon's assault destroys the landscape beneath the kids, and they fall deeper into the dark place. Then they gradually drift to a stop, still floating in the air.

Koushiro: We stopped. Mimi: Where are we? What's going on?

Mimi's question goes unanswered as more pressing priorities emerge. WereGarurumon suddenly, out of nowhere, throws a punch at Garudamon and clocks her across the face. Garudamon recovers and comes back with a right hook.

Yamato: What are you doing, WereGarurumon!? Sora: Stop it, Garudamon! You're on the same side!

Garudamon and WereGarurumon continue fistfighting.

Garudamon: I'm not doing it on purpose! WereGarurumon: My body... It's moving by itself! Sora: (confused) Your body's moving by itself?

An unseen force suddenly jerks Sora's arms up into an odd pose. Cut to Jou, hanging from Zudomon's horn, who's jogging in place.

Jou: W-What's going on!?

In the dub, Mimi makes a salient point about their odd predicament.

Izzy: We stopped! Mimi: I can't complain. It's sure a lot better than falling on our heads. (Digimon start fighting) Matt: Hey, can't you two take a break for one minute!? Sora: Yeah, come on! We're all supposed to be on the same side! Garudamon: I can't control it! WereGarurumon: That's right! Our bodies are doing this all by themselves! Sora: (skeptically) All by themselves, huh? OH! (arm pose) Joe: (forced to jog in place) I've always hated any form of exercise; What's happening to me!?

Dub Sora straight-up doesn't believe them when they explain they're being controlled. XD

It's Koushiro who finally notices the thin strings connected to each of them.

Koushiro: Ah! There are strings attached to us! We're being controlled! Pinochimon: Hehehehe... You finally figured it out. Koushiro: Who are you!? Pinochimon: Why don't you use your special little computer to find out? Here.

Using Koushiro's strings, Pinochimon manipulates him into typing at his computer to pull up Pinochimon's profile. Pinochimon is an Ultimate-stage Virus-type Puppet Digimon. He's the Virus Ultimate from the Wind Guardians line, sharing space with Piyomon and Palmon's evolutionary paths. His name and design are obviously based on Pinocchio.

Koushiro: Ah! He's Ultimate-stage! Narrator: Pinochimon. An Ultimate Digimon who places Number One in awful personalities! His special attack is Bullet Hammer.

Number One with a bullet, you say? A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it?

Gotta love the gradual decline in the these rundowns.

MetalSeadramon - He's ultra fast and powerful not to mention gigantic! Plus his armor is made from the strongest metal in the Digital World! Mugendramon - He's unbelievably powerful. So powerful, you guys. Pinochimon - ...he's very mean.

At this point, Piemon's rundown will just be "Piemon. (long silence) What a dick!"

The dub changes Pinochimon's name to Puppetmon.

Izzy: We've become string puppets! And someone's operating us! Puppetmon: (mocking) Hah hahaha hah! Well, aren't we a little smarty pants!? Izzy: Who are you!? Puppetmon: Wanna know? How about if I help you look up my profile on your special computer? Watch! (Puppetmon manipulates Izzy into typing) Izzy: (gasp) He's also a Mega Digimon! Izzy: (rundown) Puppetmon has a controlling personality and a rotten temper! Get him mad and he'll bop you with his hammer!

He'll probably shoot you with his hammer, actually, but the dub may be trying to avoid saying "Bullet Hammer". Though you can still clearly see that the head of his hammer is the cylinder of a revolver.

Snerk. Good, uh... good luck with that, dub team. I cannot wait 'til we get to his episode.

Upon meeting Pinochimon, Mimi wants to file a complaint.

Mimi: (furious) Again!? Why do these Ultimate-stage Digimon keep appearing one after another!? Lilimon: Mimi.... Pinochimon: Now, fly to the Last Stage!

Pinochimon yanks the kids' strings, sending them flying through the void. Then he addresses the Digimon left behind.

Pinochimon: You guys should hurry after them. BULLET HAMMER!!!

The revolver cylinder on his hammer fires off like a minigun, spraying the Partner Digimon and knocking them all out of their Perfect forms. Most regress to their baby forms, save for Agumon, Gabumon, and Tailmon as usual.

In the dub, Mimi's complaint to the management turns into her firing off a fantastic Mimi Quip.

Mimi: If you have to hit something, you should bop yourself for how you look in that stupid helmet! Lillymon: MIMI!?!?

Savage. Even Lillymon's shocked by Mimi's ferocity.

Puppetmon: I'm gonna have to let you go for now! (Puppetmon sends the kids away) Puppetmon: But I promise to destroy you! PUPPET PUMMEL!!!

Though they censor out the name of Pinochimon's Bullet Hammer, the footage of it firing remains unedited.

The children wake up at a Greco-Roman coliseum, groaning in pain. Based on the surrounding area, we seem to be in the desert from the Etemon arc, or what it's become in the reconfigured world.

A jovial clown balancing on a ball rolls out onto the stage.

Clown: Hello, good children! I'm here today to tell you all a funny story!

The clown holds up crudely-drawn crayon pictures to illustrate his story.

Clown: A long, long time ago, there were eight Chosen Children and their Digimon. The Eight Children and their Digimon were foolish enough to climb Spiral Mountain, where they all met a tragic fate at the hands of the Dark Masters. The end. Takeru: (angry) What was that!? That wasn't funny at all! Clown: I just told you what sort of destiny awaits you. You should be grateful. ^_^

Poor Takeru totally fumbled his Sense Motive check when the random clown arrived. XD He was actually expecting to be entertained. Did not catch the vibe of this conversation at all.

In the dub:

Clown: Well, hello there, boys and girls! And welcome! Today, I'm going to tell you an amazing story! (The clown holds out his crayon sketches) Clown: Once upon a time, there was eight DigiDestined. They went with their Digimon companions to try to save the world. The children and their Digimon discovered that in order for them to do it, they had to climb up to the top of Spiral Mountain. But to their dismay, the Dark Masters defeated them. So sad! T.K.: Hey, Clowny! Nobody's laughing at your story! Clown: Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Did I happen to mention the story is true? I wanted to give you a preview of the plot!

Pretty faithful, I'd say.

Suddenly, the clown's guise fades away and reveals him to be Piemon.

Piemon leaps to the top of a nearby column, laughing as he goes. From here, we go into our final rundown for the Dark Masters.

Piemon is an Ultimate-stage Virus-type Demon Person Digimon. Fittingly, he's the Virus Ultimate of the Nightmare Soldiers and the original Ultimate evolution for Vamdemon, as well as Phantomon.

Yes, over the course of this show the kids have had to fight their way through the entire Nightmare Soldiers evolution branch of Devimon -> Vamdemon -> Piemon while also taking a break to punch it out with Monkey Elvis.

As I mentioned before, Piemon's name is not "Pie-mon". It's pronounced Pee-eh-mon, because it's a reference to the comedic character Pierrot from traditional European pantomime performances.

His dub name Piedmon, however, is "Pied-mon", a reference to clowns being hit with pies. This is because the dub didn't trust American nine-year-olds to be familiar with Victorian-Era European Mime Lore. XD

Mimi: Wha--!? Chuumon: WAAAAAUGH!!! IT'S PIEMON!!! Narrator: Piemon. A phantasmal Ultimate-stage Digimon who comes and goes unexpectedly. His true nature is shrouded in mystery.

What a dick!

No, like MetalSeadramon, that is a pretty solid infodump. It tells us to expect Piemon to be a walking WTF.

To summarize what we've learned here: MetalSeadramon is huge, fast, and invulnerable. Mugendramon is unbelievably powerful. Pinochimon is unpleasant at parties. And Piemon has bizarre and esoteric abilities.

This all serves to set up the conflicts to come. Yes, even Pinochimon.

Over in the dub:

Piedmon: Hahahahahaha! Fools! Mimi: (gasp) Chuumon: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT'S PIEDMON!!! Chuumon: (rundown) He's a Mega Phantom Digimon of the worst kind! You never know what he's going to look like next!

This is the closest a Dark Master rundown gets to relaying the original information. Good job, Chuumon.

Just once, can we run into a Phantom Digimon of the best kind? Where's Ghost of Christmas Presentmon? That guy seems like he'd be fun to hang out with.

Finally, Taichi and Yamato are at their wit's end with all these Ultimate Digimon and decide to match power with power.

Taichi: We won't lose to you guys! Agumon! Yamato: Gabumon, I'm counting on you!

Agumon and Gabumon Warp-Evolve to face Piemon Ultimate to Ultimate.

Taichi: Go, WarGreymon! Show him what we're made of! Yamato: MetalGarurumon! Take him down and save the world!

WarGreymon leads with Gaia Force. Piemon sidesteps the attack. MetalGarurumon follows up with Cocytus Breath, but Piemon breaks out one of his swords and slices through the slushie onslaught.

In the dub, Tai kicks us off with a retort to Piedmon's story earlier.

Tai: Well, I think your plot needs a few rewrites! Agumon! Matt: Gabumon, you can do it! (Warp evolutions) Tai: Yeah! Let him know we mean business, WarGreymon! Matt: MetalGarurumon! Teach that joker a lesson he'll never forget!

Pretty snappy comeback for Tai there, especially to a thespian like Pie(d)mon. It's one thing to call him a dick but shit-talking his craft is really throwing down the gauntlet.

Too bad about those whiffed attacks, though.

After maneuvering through the pair's offense, Piemon comes back with his own signature move: Trump Sword.

It's sword-throwing. He throws swords.

Direct hits on WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon score instant KOs, reverting them back to Agumon and Gabumon.

Jou: I-It can't be! Sora: We can't win even with two Ultimates on our side? Mimi: He's just an Ultimate too, right? Piemon: Even though we are on the same level, you have only recently acquired your new power. You're mistaken if you think that is all it takes to win. Agumon: (pained) I'm sorry, Taichi....

Piemon was able to outfight WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon simultaneously, not because he's stronger than them but because he has much more experience in the Ultimate state. As a natural Ultimate who achieved this level the hard way, by rising through the ranks of Perfect and Ultimate evolution, he simply has them outmatched in skill and experience.

From there, Piemon goes on to give his team their formal introductions, despite Koushiro having already identified each of them. He's a showman; Let him have this moment.

Piemon: Permit me now to introduce the members that make up the Dark Masters. MetalSeadramon! (MetalSeadramon explodes from the ground, roaring) Piemon: Mugendramon! (Mugendramon smashes through columns to enter the coliseum, also roaring) Piemon: Pinochimon! (Pinochimon just sort of appears) Pinochimon: Personally, I wish I could have had some more fun with you. Piemon: And myself, Piemon. (Piemon remains a dick.) Piemon: Time flies in the blink of an eye when you're having fun. Now then. Who should die first?

In the dub:

Joe: This is bad news. Sora: Even two Mega Digimon couldn't put him down! That's really bad news! Mimi: Not to mention he's a fashion disaster! Piedmon: Your two Megas are newly Digivolved. How can you expect them to compete against an experienced and, might I boast, superior Digimon? Agumon: (pained) Tai... Sorry....

Mimi's question is replaced with a Mimi Quip. Fortunately, Piedmon still delivers the important information anyway and we get a Mimi Quip out of it so it's cool.

Piedmon: Please permit me to present my fellow actors in this captivating and charming comedy of errors! MetalSeadramon! (MetalSeadramon explodes from the ground, roaring) Piedmon: Machinedramon! (Machinedramon smashes through columns to enter the coliseum, also roaring) Piedmon: Puppetmon! (Puppetmon just sort of appears) Puppetmon: You thought you were through with me, but I wanted to have some more fun! Piedmon: And myself, Piedmon. (Such a dick.) Piedmon: We'd like to begin by asking for audience volunteers. Who would like to be the first to be destroyed? Oh come now, don't tell me you have stage fright!

No lie, I am loving the dub performance for Piedmon. They understood the assignment.

Piemon's eyes scan the group before falling on Mimi.

The moment she realizes he's looking at her, Mimi bursts out into tears, screaming and crying at the top of her lungs.

Mimi: No... NO!!! I'M JUST AN ORDINARY GRADE SCHOOL STUDENT!!! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DIE HERE!?!? Sora: (gently) Mimi-chan.... Mimi: I WANTED TO DRESS UP IN FASHIONABLE CLOTHES AND EAT MORE YUMMY THINGS AND GO ON A TRIP ABROAD AND-- Piedmon: Your whining is starting to hurt my ears! I'm going to start with you.

Just like that, Piemon gets target lock.

Mimi melts down in both versions, but the dub's meltdown is a bit different.

Mimi: I didn't even want to go to camp in the first place! I just wanted to go to the mall! Can't somebody else save this silly world besides me!? Sora: (surprised) Mimi!? Mimi: I want to be a normal kid and not have any big responsibilities! I mean, come on, is that too much to ask!? It's not fair! Piedmon: Ack! Your incessant whining is getting on my nerves! You will be the first one to go!

Original Mimi's meltdown is about the unfairness of having to die at such a young age with so much of her life still ahead of her. Dub Mimi's meltdown is about how much she doesn't want to be a child soldier which is valid but contextually off.

It feels like the dub team is trying to fill in a Mimi meltdown from scratch to avoid going as dark as the original subject matter. They do a fair job; It doesn't feel like it came out of nowhere. But lines like "Can't someone else save the world?" and "I don't want responsibilities!" still seem divorced from the specific grim predicament she's actually in right now.

Having made up his mind Piemon swiftly draws a hidden dagger from his sleeve and tosses it at Mimi.

Without hesitation, Chuumon leaps out of Mimi's arms, taking Piemon's knife to his chest. Chuumon falls prone on the ground, the knife disintegrating as quickly as it appeared. Weeping, Mimi scoops him back up in her arms.

Mimi: Chuumon! You have to hold on! Chuumon: Mimi-chan... When I reincarnate... Go on a date with me.... Mimi: CHUUMON!!!

With that utterly inappropriate yet entirely in-character bit of emotional blackmail, Chuumon disintegrates into pixels and joins his friend Scumon in death.

(So far as we know, she does not honor his last request, nor should she.)

The dub cuts the shot where the knife plunges into Chuumon, but keeps the shot of Chuumon falling to the ground with the knife stabbed into him.

Mimi: Chuumon! Speak to me, you poor thing! Chuumon: Mimi... It's time for me... to be deleted.... Mimi: CHUUMON!!!

His last request doesn't make it in; No surprise there. But they pull no punches about the fact that Chuumon definitely and without question died violently.

Someone, however, is not impressed by Chuumon's sacrifice.

Piemon: What a stupid Digimon. There's no reason to protect each other when you're all going to die here anyway. Taichi: We won't let you get away with this! Dark Masters: (all laugh together) Piemon: So, who's next?

Before he can pick his next target, another old friend suddenly cuts in.

Piccolomon's Pit Bomb does no damage whatsoever but flashbangs the Dark Masters, allowing him to make off with the Chosen Children. He carries them to safety within a cloaked invisibility sphere.

Takeru: Piccolomon! We were hoping to see you again! Piccolomon: So was I pi! Koushiro: You were able to reach us by creating a barrier that the enemy couldn't see? Piccolomon: That's right pi! Taichi: Piccolomon, we made it this way believing that as long as the eight of us were together, we could save both worlds. But-- Piccolomon: It's true that the eight of you are together pi but that alone isn't enough to win pi. Sora: What are we missing? Jou: Tell us! Piccolomon: (somberly) Unfortunately, we don't have time for that pi.

A wave of energy suddenly hits the barrier. What little time Piccolomon's trick bought them has run its course.

In the dub:

Piedmon: Chuumon was a fool!

The dub inserts a commercial break after Chuumon's death, then we return and watch him die again.

Mimi: T_T Oh, Chuumon! Piedmon: So, now that he's out of the way, who would like to be the next one to make their grand exit? Tai: Piedmon, you're gonna be washed up when we're through with you! Dark Masters: (all laugh together) Piedmon: Be my guest. Piximon: PIT BOMB!!! (Piximon takes the kids and bails) T.K.: Hey, Piximon! Perfect timing! Piximon: I missed ya! Izzy: Prodigious! You cleverly used a barrier to avoid detection. Piximon: I sure did! Tai: But you said it was possible to save the planet if the eight of us were all together! How come it's not happening, huh? What's up, Piximon!? Piximon: The truth is, being together is not enough. There's something else that you need to do to beat 'em. Sora: How are we going to find out if you won't help? Joe: Yeah, enough riddles! Piximon: This is something you will discover on your own.

The dub's gotten its wires crossed about the plot again. Piximon never said anything about the eight of them; His episode was well behind us when the Eighth Child plot point was introduced. Tai's beef should, as always, be with Gennai.

In the original, Piccolomon's like "Look you need more than just being physically present but I don't have time to explain because we are seconds away from getting murdered."

Piximon, on the other hand, is being cryptic for funsies.

Pursuing Piccolomon's invisibility shimmer, the Dark Masters gain ground. There is no escape.

MetalSeadramon: Found you. Piccolomon: I'm going to stop them pi! Make your way to Spiral Mountain while I hold them off pi! Yamato: You're going to stop them!? They're all Ultimate-stage! Piccolomon: I know that pi! Even if I can't win, I can still put up a fight pi! Taichi: I'll fight with you! Piccolomon: ARE YOU STUPID!? You're the last hope for the world pi!

MetalSeadramon hits Piccolomon's barrier with a direct shot from his Ultimate Stream. Piccolomon waits and lets the barrier absorb MetalSeadramon's shot, then emerges to fight the Dark Masters.

Piccolomon: I'm sure you can find pi what you're missing! When you do, you'll be unstoppable pi! Now go, Chosen Children!

Piccolomon smacks the barrier with his spear, sending it flying off much faster than before.

In the dub:

MetalSeadramon: Aha! Here you are! Eheheheheheha! Piximon: I'll try to stop them. Meanwhile, make a run for it and climb to the top of Spiral Mountain. But you better move it! Matt: You can't stop them! They're all Mega Digimon! Piximon: I know I can't win, but I should be able to distract them long enough for you to get away! Tai: I'll stay with you! Piximon: No way! Besides, we need you on Spiral Mountain; We're counting on you to beat 'em!

Though MetalSeadramon's nose beam went unnamed last time he used it, this time he calls the attack.

MetalSeadramon: RIVER OF POWER!!! (MetalSeadramon blasts the barrier bubble) Piximon: (emerges) Please go now. You have a very important task ahead of you. Once you succeed, no one will ever be able to stop you again. I know you will make me proud of you!

Strong parting words for what will be their final meeting.

As an aside, I love the name "River of Power". That is a fantastic "not-touching-you" name-like to Ultimate Stream. Well punned.

Sad that we lose Piccolomon calling Taichi a moron to his face. "I'm gonna sacrifice myself for you." "And I'll help you do--" "NO."

No sooner has Piccolomon sent the Children away than he hears Piemon call out to him.

Piemon: Piccolomon, is it? Do you honestly believe that you, a Perfect-stage, could win against us? Piccolomon: Say whatever you want pi!

From the barrier bubble, the children see a bright flash of light illuminate the coliseum once more.

Hikari: Piccolomon is dead. Narrator: After paying a heavy sacrifice, the children finally arrive at Spiral Mountain. But their fight with the Dark Masters has only just begun.

Boy, what a fun and joyous final adventure we've embarked on!

The dub changes things up here. They add some silence breakers as the bubble flies away.

Matt: He's stronger than he looks! Gabumon: He'll have to be!

Then they cut straight to the final shot of everyone watching from the barrier.

Kari: Do you think it's possible he can do it? Gabumon: I don't know, Kari! I hope so!

From there, we cut back to Piximon confronting the Dark Masters.

Piximon: Rrrgh! Piedmon: How can such a powerless Digimon even think about defeating us, hmm!? Piximon: Just call me a crazy little Digimon! Narrator: Will Piximon hold off the Dark Masters long enough for the DigiDestined to reach Spiral Mountain? Watch the next Digimon: Digital Monsters.

The explosion that indicated Piximon's death has been cut, as has the shot of the kids' bubble arriving at Spiral Mountain. But don't worry, they're planning to remix the shit out of this last scene at the start of the next episode. We'll see what became of Piximon; You just got to wait a week with hope and anticipation in your heart before coming back to watch him brutally die.

Weird choice but okay.

Assessment: I remembered this arc being dark but I forgot how quickly it gets dark. Remember the "goofy" harassers from File Island THEY FUCKING DIED. But don't worry, the virtuous trainer who helped Taichi figure his shit out is here and he ALSO FUCKING DIED.

To set the tone, this episode is a bloodbath right out of the starting gate. They want you to know that nobody outside our core eight is safe anymore. This is war and people are going to die.

The dub keeps up and handles itself pretty well. It even manages to keep up with the darkening tone using euphemistic language but refraining from talking around the deaths happening onscreen. Yes, that includes Piximon's, even if they did kick it out to next episode.

Even down to the execution scene, there's none of that "Capture them, put them in a cage!" stuff that previous arcs would have employed. "Who would like to make their grand exit?" is flowery but unambiguous in its meaning, especially after explicitly killing someone onscreen.

We're in for a fucking ride.

[everettswritings]

All my posts keep blowing up! Anyways, my mom’s letting me stay home from school today so… yeah. More headcanons!

Sucker for slapstick and physical comedy. Even the simple “getting hit in the face with a rake after stepping on it” routine is enough to make him die laughing!

Not opposed to pulling a childish prank every now and then, and most certainly not a stranger to it. But that’s just canon, you can’t change my mind

Literally never stays in place, if you look away for a nanosecond and look back, they’re already elsewhere

Honestly, you don’t even need to look away! They’ll just move around regardless

Owner of a slide-whistle, and uses said slide-whistle to annoy everyone. You can’t do anything without having to hear that godforsaken instrument

You know how some people immediately drop everything whenever someone turns on a baby sensory video to watch it? That’s him. I’m not elaborating.

I have a lot of headcanons for their other usages of the puppetry thing, the list is quite long in all honesty. There are some I’m saving for the more specific headcanons, but I will say right now that he definitely orchestrates little comedies for himself to enjoy(even if the cookies being used as puppets hate it)

They may or may not draw often, but whenever they do it kinda looks like childish scribbles.

And the funny thing is, they’re more than capable of creating high quality masterpieces! They just won’t out of spite

Makes too much eye contact. Nobody knows if it’s an intimidation tactic or if it’s because they’re neurodivergent, but it’s still scary either way.

Probably annoys cookies by giving them absurd nicknames they hate, ESPECIALLY the other beasts.

And that’s the last of it! I’ve got some more specific stuff planned, but I think I’ll wait till the weekend so that I can have more time to work on it. It’s definitely really fun to write for him, the more I do it the more I love it! Shadow Milk Cookie is definitely one of the most fun characters in the game and I dream of the day he becomes playable(which will probably never happen; but a man can dream, can’t he?). Have a good one 🫶

[critter-genfic-events]

This time, we have eight fics focused on The Meat Man himself, Scanlan Shorthalt!

It’s the funny man, so these fics will all be filled with nothing but slapstick comedy and fluff right? Right?! WRONG! Come get your heartfelt angst and found family goodness!

Check them out behind the cut, and as always - comment and kudos if you like them! 

Learn Me Right by KiaraSayre (39219,Mature) Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death Pairings: Kaylie & Scanlan Shorthalt, Scanlan Shorthalt & Vox Machina, Kent Plucker/Scanlan Shorthalt

Scanlan and Kaylie after the Bard's Lament.

Reccer says: I reread this story every time I rewatch the end of the Chroma Conclave. It's such a fantastic story that explores both the characters and their relationships. They change and evolve and make sense, and it hurts and it's beautiful. One of my favourites ever.

A Pirate's Life For Me by amberwoods (18558,Mature) Warnings: N/A Pairings: Scanlan Shorthalt/Pike Trickfoot, Grog Strongjaw & Pike Trickfoot, Scanlan Shorthalt & Vox Machina

Scanlan Shorthalt ends up in the small cell of a pirate ship with about 60% of a plan and an unexpected companion in Pike Trickfoot. Together, they devise a plan to escape their predicament. But Scanlan is keeping secrets, and Pike is quickly hammering away at his defenses. Neither of them will get what they were looking for, but so much more than they could have dreamed of.

Reccer says: Great Scanlan, great Pike, and great use of an interesting AU!

Off Beat Decision by Enderon (3367,General) Warnings: None Pairings: Scanlan & vox machina

If scanlan took the parties suggestion to become a spy on the chroma conclave.

Reccer says: Good scanlan angst.

Otherwise by Erisette (13783,Not Rated) Warnings: Adult content warning Pairings: Kaylie & Scanlan, Scanlan & Vox Machina

A story based on Scanlan’s line to Kaylie, “Every year you've been alive is a year I could have been a better person."

Reccer says: It’s a cute story about Scanlan, Kaylie, and Vox Machina

The Small Things by Erisette (2694,Not Rated) Warnings: Character death, Revivify, blood and injuries, accidental echo to real-life medical issues (ie. throat wounds) Pairings: Scanlan Shorthalt & Vox Machina

"What is—oh, no." Pike's voice holds all the devastation Vex feels as Grog lowers her gently beside the mangled body in the snow. "I can't heal for shit," Kima says tensely, "I tried but—well. I can't raise the dead." (an AU of CR1E71, where the fight against Vorugal doesn't end quite the same way. Still got a happy ending, though.)

Reccer says: This fic was written between episodes 76 and 77 of CR1 and the number of things it gets right about VM reacting to Scanlan's death is uncanny. (seriously. You'd think the author borrowed from The Deceiver's Stand when #83 happened over 2 months after the fic was published.) The story is as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking and every character voice is perfect. A real kick in the feels (but also fluff).

Everything (Anything) True by eponymous_rose (3193,Teen) Warnings: None Pairings:

Scanlan's a master of deception. Turns out reality is a moving target when the words you sing keep changing it.

Reccer says: Fantastic character study in a couple of story beats interspersed by truths that might be lies (but not quite).

a bruise is only your body trying to keep you intact by KiaraSayre (10968,Not Rated) Warnings: None Pairings: Scanlan & Vox Machina

If Bards Lament happened differently.

Reccer says: I like the emotional processing that this author details for Scanlan. It feels in character and feels a bit like closure for what is originally a very tumultuous event.

And then we have two recs for:

The One Moment by Chesari (19630,Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: Scanlan/pike, vax/keyleth, vex/percy

Scanlan gets to cast wish and save vax after the veccna fight. This is the story of how and what happened after.

Reccer #1 says: I love their interpretation and descriptions of the characters and what they were going through at that time and how things could have been different. Reccer #2 says: THE "what if Scanlan had been able to use his 9th level spell for a Wish?" fic. You'll hear the voices when the characters speak (and also "the one true god of Exandria" and "the players", who have a few short scenes as they play out what's happening). My personal go-to fic when I'm sad about CR1E114 and 115. Fantastic.

This is one of our weekly communally-generated gen rec lists. Every week we announce a new theme and allow anyone to submit a fic recommendation. Please note that the summary and content notes are provided by the reccer, and may be different than what the author has provided. Please assume good intentions all around. <3

And hey, anyone includes you!

We'll be back on the fifthteenth with Dreams fic Recs - then on the first with fics focusing on Orym!

Any fics coming to mind? Well, then use this form to submit! If you're looking for some more, check out some fics written in the critter genfic bingo tag, or the older rec lists! Or you can request your own card and join in on the fun!

[ppeonppeonhan]

Dead Friends Forever Q&A-Style Review

I listen to a movie podcast called The Rewatchables, and they have interesting categories that I want to examine this series through.

Most rewatchable scene: It has to be the last one, because we've been talking about it nonstop since it aired. Plus, it lives in my head, rent-free, like Non is haunting me. Like WE failed him. 😱

But since I'm a BL girlie, who loves a well-crafted sex scene, I also have to include both of Phee and Jin's high-heat moments when Phee's trying to seduce him on the balcony and when they have rough sex in Jin's room. I'm not gonna lie: That was some king shit on Ta's end.

Best quote: "No one could leave this abandoned house — not even one." Come on! It foretold the surreal ending and fulfilled the victim's wishes. Gold.

What aged the best? The way that even the bullies perceived teacher Keng as a groomer, who took advantage of a desperate child — that will most definitely make that subplot still bearable even a decade from now.

What's aged the worst? The unaliving and SA montage in the finale that some have said was insensitive/irresponsible to have included. It was like trigger after trigger after trigger — practically a machine gun of traumatic scenes. The fandom could sincerely organize a class action lawsuit against the writer and director for them to pay for our therapy bills.

Scene-stealing location: The lake. Such a beautiful setting for romance, betrayal, and revenge. 😈

Best shot: Definitely the one of Tan from above when he's successfully drugged all of his victims. Iconic.

Are we sure this person is good at their job? Tee's uncle. The fact that he has so much riding on two teenagers is ridiculous. He didn't just start being a con man / mob boss that week. How does he not have a more stable criminal infrastructure at this point?

Best use of food and drink: Obviously, Tan spiking the beverages, knowing it would be the easiest way to poison everyone.

Was there a better title? Absolutely not. The play on the phrase "Best Friends Forever," an archaic term popularized in the '90s that puts way too much pressure on kids to find their kindred spirit and hold on to them through adolescence and adulthood, was inspired. It truly encompassed the impossibility of it all. There are just so many obstacles ahead of you, like peer pressure, family obligations, love triangles, bullying, ego, insecurity, and cowardice, that it's a lofty promise to make when you've barely finished puberty. Plus, it kind of hints at the ending...

Overacting award: Some could argue Barcode, but part of his performance was meant to be surreal, because it was in the dream state. I, personally, vote Jet (Top). Sometimes I felt like his character was in an entirely different, far more slapstick genre.

The "That Guy" Award: This category is for the actor/famous person you see all the time, but don't know the name of. I noticed a lot of people were excited to see Perth, so I "saw him all the time" on my feed. When I Googled him, that's when I learned that he was on a reality show with other Be On Cloud stars. 

Scene-Stealer (with very few scenes): Honestly, whichever extra/stunt double they had wearing that mask, freaking us out. The most memorable of which was when its creepy hand groped Tee.

Recasting couch:

I think Nanon (Bad Buddy) could've been interesting as the tormented Tan, because we would've bought his innocence longer.

It could've added to the mystery if we had the BL twins, AJ and JJ, confuse the narrative. 

I would watch Neo in almost anything at this point, and he could've played the morally conflicted Tee as he showcased those skills already in Only Friends.

A younger Mark (Last Twilight) would've fit so well into this cast. He plays lost and guilty quite well.

Picking Nits: This category is for pointing out things that just don't add up.

Why didn't Phee's cop dad have more questions about his son's behavior and activities after he saw who his son was involved with?

What teenager is fine going somewhere that has no wifi or reception? Even I wouldn't do that and I've had wifi as long as these characters have been alive.

Why was Non, a teenager, being medicated for mental health issues, but not being monitored by a mental health professional?

If Tee's uncle didn't want to be at a loss if Non died unexpectedly, then why didn't he let him get his wounds treated and get some rest? Unless the plan was always to harvest his organs, which would still have merited rest. Nobody wants shitty organs.

Unanswerable Questions

If Jin and Phee survived, would they have got back together?

If Non were alive, would Phee have ditched Jin?

What did they do with Non's body?

And, of course, after succeeding: Does Tan recover from his grief and move on with his life? Does he successfully escape arrest? Does he leave behind evidence of what the boys did to his family to further persecute them in death? Is his revenge plot really over...?

That was fun! Tag me if you answer the same Qs.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

So after reading a ways into the manga, I've come to the educated conclusion that Milly is the one holding the braincell. However, Milly is not completely aware of the significance of the braincell, nor that she is holding it, so she fumbles it from time to time.

Meryl thinks she is the one with the braincell, and manages to be fairly convincing about it. Do not be fooled. I remember that megaphone Meryl. Also this woman has never had a normal reaction to anything ever bless her she’s so strange.

Wolfwood is under the impression that he has no need of the braincell, and has henceforth been cursed by the slapstick gods for his hubris. Seriously the amount this man gets tossed around. Save him.

Vash is aware of the location of the brain cell at all times, but for the love of god, do not give it to him because he will immediately and intentionally place it in the back of a saloon purely so he can continue the bit (being an absolutely incomprehensible dork).

[perseidlion]

Down Low - Movie Review

Last night, I watched Down Low, a queer dark comedy starring Lukas Gage and Zachary Quinto. The movie was written by Lukas himself and Phoebe Fisher and directed by Rightor Doyle.

Is this movie good? Well...no, not really, but it does have some redeeming qualities and overall I'm glad it exists. I watched it because I find Lukas to be a very compelling young actor. I've also been a fan of Zachary for years, so the two of them together in an unapologetically gay, wacky, horny, raunchy dark comedy was right up my alley.

LIGHT SPOILERS AHEAD, THEN A BIGGER SPOILER AT THE VERY END.

There are several legitimately funny moments in this movie. Unfortunately, there are just as many, if not more moments where the jokes fell flat. The kinetic, comedic chemistry between Zachary and Lukas does a lot of heavy lifting. Their dynamic is very unique, especially in the comedy genre, which brings a freshness to the story.

Lukas plays Cameron, a delightfully chaotic and unapologetically gay sex worker who takes it upon himself to be Gary's (Zachary Quinto) gay life coach when he finds out that his opening act handjob is the first time he's ever been touched by another man after a lifetime of being in the closet. Cameron lures a man to Gary's house for a hookup. Things take a dark turn when the hookup arrives and subsequently dies in a slapstick sequence.

This is the kind of movie where instead of the characters being racked with guilt over accidentally killing a man, things turn into a madcap comedy of errors in an attempt to dispose of the body. I love a good dark comedy, so I was on board with this premise and ready to suspend my disbelief.

The problem is that the script, frankly, could have used a few more rounds of editing. For one, the characters say each others' names with alarming frequency, especially in the first act. I don't know if that was written into the script or if the actors weren't reading the lines as written, but the absurd number of times Cameron says Gary's name quickly became very distracting. It's hard to imagine they couldn't see this was a problem simply by counting the number of Garys in the script, but somehow this went unnoticed. It does get better in the second half, but it took me out of some delightful comedic moments in the first half.

There is a lot of potential in the bones of the script, however. The dialogue could have used some polish, and the tone was a bit uneven in parts - which is a shame because there was a chance to make a true classic of dark comedy from a queer perspective. This is Lukas' first writing credit, and I see a lot of potential in his style and comedic instincts.

The best part about this movie is that it doesn't cater to straight audiences. There is no over-explaining anything, and no sanding off the rough edges of hookup culture. Everyone can enjoy this film, but it's clearly not compromising anything about the story or its characters to make straight audiences more comfortable.

The story has heart as well. The friendship between Cameron and Gary is unorthodox but earned and well-developed. Cameron feels pity for Gary, but also genuinely cares about him. Gary in turn, finds his first real friend in this random twink he hired for a happy ending.

The foundations of the movie are solid, but some of the key scenes and setpieces, were they executed better with a more solid script underneath, could turn it into a true cult classic. It still might find a spot in cult queer films, precisely because the character dynamics are so unique and the whole thing is very much a gay male story without all the sappy trappings of a Hollywood narrative.

One of Down Low's biggest flaws is that the movie doesn't know what to do with Lukas and Zachary's chemistry. On paper, the two were probably supposed to be into each other, but their chemistry was that of unlikely friends rather than sexual. So when they...

REAL SPOILER

...do have sex, it isn't very sexy. I never expected a movie starring two queer men, written by a queer man to not deliver in the sex scene department. I don't think it was a problem with how the scene was shot, but rather Zachary and Lukas didn't convincingly feel into each other in that way.

I hope this movie represents only the first we see Lukas Gage writing. He's got an interesting vision and a talent for madcap comedy. Seeing him play a chaotic gay man he wrote for himself was a treat. Just...maybe keep the script in the editing cycle a little longer next time?

Rating: 3/5 Garys.

(I counted 6 mentions of Gary in this post, which is about 1/5 of the times his name is said in the first 30 minutes of the movie.)

[cupcakeatsea]

911 7x05 thoughts. If you haven’t figured it out SPOILERS.

- alien hand syndrome scene made the whole episode worth it with pure slapstick

- Buck, baby, no. Say less. Brutal learning curve, but you’re reaction made me cringe so hard I thought I’d never be able to look at you again

- Tommy, I get it, but ouch. Ordering a car just for you? “I think you’re adorable”, redeemed it though

- Hen and Karen deserve better than to be heartbreakingly messed around by social services (or whatever the US one is called)

- Eddie… What the fuck, dude? There’s so much more going on with you than Catholic guilt. Bobby defo has your number, and that man will continue to subtly call you out until you stop doing dumb shit you obviously hate

- Buck not using pronouns until he slipped up - oh! Love it. Big sis Maddie addressing it then being all “tell me about hot pilot”. Sweet and reassuring- we never doubted you

- I knew in my heart of hearts that Hen and Karen wouldn’t give up on that girl. I wondered for a second but with bestie Athena backup, I knew they’d make the effort.

- Big brother Denny! You’re such a sweetheart! You’re a tween, kicking off about getting hurt would be so easy but you’re so understanding. Proof of how amazing Hen and Karen are as parents

- Hen and Karen just getting all my love. I adore them, let them help Mara and all be a happy family!

- Also, Hen’s glasses variety this season? So fucking cool

- Buck coming out to Eddie. Subtle, understated, but good. Immediately Eddie was supportive and Buck was honest about stuff that was obviously worrying him and he need a friend for. Who better than someone who also knows Tommy? Even if “Tommy’s gay?!” realisation seemed to short circuit Eddie for a moment

- Parallels with the BuckTommy kiss! No sign of Buddie IMO but a set up for it, I do think

- Buck and Tommy having coffee. It was healing for ME after how bad that date was. Buck being SO honest again - he’s not hiding, he’s all in and proving it

- Tommy, I didn’t want to like you but you’ve wriggled your way into my heart. You’re perfect and sweet and damn flirty at exactly the right moments. Make that man blush

- Buck. Sweetie. Inviting him to your sister’s wedding? Intense and I can’t help but feel like a potential disaster. But end of episode looks like you’ll be screwing up in so many other ways, you probably won’t have time to mess things up with Tommy, silver linings I guess

All in all, a more laid back episode than I thought it would be and definitely more cringy and silly than I expected, but on reflection so much character development. There was a lot of discovery and it was all met with love. “You don’t know me” as a title made me worry, but it made me happy everyone was met with love ❤️

[beanghostprincess]

A part of Luffy's character I think is kinda overlooked or at least not taken too seriously is his views on violence. I often see people joke on how he was kind to Otama but pretty harsh on Momonosuke, but I think that not many people realise how he is really just doing the same thing that Garp used to do on him.

Its very clear that Luffy uses two types of violences. There is the "friendly" "affectionate" violence, and there is the serious, actually dangerous one. In the first instance is what we often see between him and his crewmates, they exchange beatings and other stuff (mostly from Nami lmao) and while it can be attributed to the slapstick like nature of One Piece's humor, it goes much deeper than that. Garp used his "fist of love" on Luffy all of the time, Luffy was used to this kind of stuff from an early age, and it was normalised to him.

An example of this is that scene in Dressrosa when after that long headed grandpa (forgot his name) explained why he hated Garp and Luffy told him that his reasoning was ridiculus because Luffy was hit way more times but never held a grudge. (Its also true that Luffy does reconise Garp's parenting as being too extreme tho, since in Amazon Lily he espressed not wanting to recall the nights he spent alone in the jungle. But at least when it came to acts of violence directelly from him he was fine with it.)

HOWEVER Luffy also knew actually bad violence from an early age, the one that was meant to kill him. He obviously freaked out when Ace and Sabo wanted to kill him, and of course he was genuenly scared when the Bluejam pirates kidnapped him and Ace. Luffy clearly has a neat distinction in mind when it comes to this type of stuff. And what we see with Momonosuke was an example of the remnants of Garp's tough love and Luffy's genuine and benevolent desire for Momo to be a great man.

I wanted to add some stuff, but I think you explained it pretty well. Honestly, I obviously don't agree with those methods of raising somebody, but due to it being a world of pirates in which they actually have to act with a bit of tough love and violence, I think it's not that bad. I think what makes Garp's "training" and "tough love" bad is the fact that he did it for the wrong reasons. He wanted Luffy to be a marine and tbh most of the times we've seen Garp acting like that around Luffy weren't even necessary for training. I can get behind tough love in a show about pirates, obviously, but not when there are more reasons behind that than just "you need to protect yourself / train" like Garp forcing Luffy to be what he wanted to be, and not letting him follow his dream. Which, you know, I get it because being a marine would be safer, but it was obvious that it was hurting Luffy. And Garp didn't even have the decency to at least take care of the kid himself, he just left him all alone and then had the audacity to keep treating him like that as if he had the right to use tough love on him. Like-- Zeff and Sanji also use tough love but Zeff doesn't leave Sanji alone nor tortures him and stops when it's too much. I think Garp doesn't. Maybe that's just how I perceive it.

But yeah- Luffy's views on violence are really influenced by Garp's way of raising him. Honestly, I think it's pretty normal (once again saying, especially around pirates because they do not have usual relationships and dynamics) in the crew to use violence like that between them. Nami hitting Luffy or, y'know, in general the crew is like that and they use tough love a lot. But it isn't serious?? Like. They're pirates. They fight. They're violent. We need to keep that in mind first. But also, it's not only tough love that they use and that's only occasional and not a thing that happens all the time. But Luffy recognizes that as tough love and that's why he acts like that with Momo. But tbh? Luffy does it, like, insanely better with Momo. Better than Garp for sure. He treats him that way because he recognizes that, even thought Momo is still a kid, he has a responsibility and he will hate himself even more if he doesn't grow up quickly to face it, Luffy helps Momo realize some crucial stuff about him using tough love but also never leaves him on his own and he's always by his side being a brother when he needs it. He's empathetic and a sweetheart to him too, he's just harsh when Momo needs to be stronger and that's the only way Luffy has of telling him. He doesn't treat Otama like that because she doesn't need it. She's just a kid. The only times in which he's harsh around her is when it comes to Ace's death, and he's just being realistic about it because dancing around it will only make it hurt more and he thinks that ripping off the band-aid is better than being careful with it. Because that's how his brain works. Dead people don't come back, and he has been aware of that ever since he was Tama's age, so...

Anyway, the thing with Luffy and violence is that he turns the way Garp raised him and how his crew acts around each other into a way of putting some sense of responsibility/reality into the kids he meets because if they have to grow up fast, better be ready for that with somebody that knows how it feels like.

[nanomooselet]

Little but Fierce III

I love Meryl so much. Imma talk about all the ways she's terrible.

First watching the show, I had her clocked pretty much from the moment she opened her mouth and the moment she first appeared on the screen.

Oh Lord. This child is insufferable.

She's twenty-three, just out of college, from a sheltered background, and determined to solve all the world's problems, but she'd have a much easier time of it if she weren't such a scold. She's prissy. She's judgemental. Because nothing in the world lives up to her standards, she's going to shout at it until it does. It's endearing now because she's so little and cute, but she will encounter someone unwilling to put up with it sooner or later, and she had better hope she survives that encounter to learn from it.

Reminder that her first appearance in the manga is striding onto the panel like a queen and then whipping out a megaphone to announce she's from the insurance society, like any of the people she's talking to have any reason to care. She's, uh. She's a real woman of conviction.

What makes this Meryl seem so young is that she still has a lot of faith in the rules, and that the way things should be is indeed the way they are. Why wouldn't she? Her family is wealthy, she just got out of school and this is her dream job. Her whole life so far has kept her cushioned from pain and consequences, as well what exists on the edge of society - violence, poverty, corruption - as well as the edges of her own reality - the truth about the Plants, the existential terror of a being like Knives, who so virulently hates her species and has the power to crush them at will, for any reason, at any time. And of a being like Vash, whose power is even greater, but whose appearance is so purposefully soft.

That dude she's yelling in the face of could vaporise the planet they're standing on, if he felt like it. He would never, but that doesn't change having that capacity, or that there are individuals who will do anything to obtain control of his power.

What makes Meryl such a fantastic character despite these flaws is that upon encountering proof of her ignorance, she doesn't double down. She's surprised, and often scared, but primarily she's saddened, or even outraged. Why is the world this way? What can she do about it? What action can she take?

That's the perfect trait for a journalist, and I also think the reason that Vash likes her - and Roberto, too. It's why both of them are determined to protect her, and Roberto comes to adopt (or perhaps reclaim) a little righteousness by her example.

She doesn't belong on No Man's Land, but then none of them do. No one wanted to be here. Nevertheless they are here.

What can they do together to make it a kinder world?

Also, one more thing.

There's an argument for how hard it is write female characters that the audience won't instantly loathe. It's called the Galbrush Problem, after a theoretical genderbend of Guybrush Threepwood from the Monkey Island series. They're point-and-click adventure games, and they're very silly - Guybrush's entire backstory, as far as we learn, is that he washed up on a beach in the Caribbean as a teenager with the burning ambition to be a pirate and no practical skills in the field whatsoever.

Sample dialogue:

Elaine: Ugh, let's face it, LeChuck! You're an evil, foul-smelling, vile, codependent villain, and that's just not what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship right now! LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ye saucy female! What do ye mean?!

They're engaged in a high stakes sea battle at the time. Elaine is defending the port she governs from LeChuck's skeleton pirate crew. (Hauntingly realistic reaction to a woman's unambiguous rejection from LeChuck, though.)

Anyway the Galbrush Problem suggests that a Galbrush version of these games would come across as offensive, because Guybrush is a comedic protagonist. He's subjected to slapstick, mocked, rendered the butt of jokes. He says and does absolutely ridiculous things. Who'd enjoy a woman being a victim of such humiliation?

I hate the Galbrush Problem as an argument.

Because Guybrush might be hard to take seriously, but he's still loveable - he's quick-witted, charming, and his many failures combined with his unwillingness to let them ever get him down for long actually make him a little inspiring. And we don't just watch him, we embody him - we relate to him. His absurd challenges are ours to overcome and his cracking wise in the face of craziness is something we sort of wish we could do. We'll all look a bit ridiculous at least some of the time. That's not something gender specific.

It's not a problem to write a woman being goofy. Not unless you present that as her only trait, or her as the only woman, or failure as the only outcome of her actions. Meryl completely explodes the Galbrush problem by being hilarious - she and Vash get to play comedic partners pretty frequently early on and it's always great, and her stupid sibling fights with Wolfwood are splendid. It doesn't make her offensive. She's fun! We need levity! That tomas is hauling around a bunch of fricking coffins!

The wonder of Trigun as a story is that everyone in it is so gloriously, painfully human, even the ones who pretend not to be. Is there really something offensive about affording women that courtesy too? Really?

Maybe I get too pissy about it, I don't know, but I've been a fandom cryptid for some twenty years, and was once determined to enter a profession where there was straight up a conspiracy to prevent women being protagonists, or when they are protagonists, having partners or lovers, because it meant they were less appealing and available.

Lookit this silly marshmallow. What about her is unappealing? What about her is offensive? I mean, apart from the fact that at this rate she's going to give that poor man a heart attack.

Part I

Part II

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

Part IX