#mass effect gift exchange

[hatboyexchange]

The Hatboy Exchange Important Dates

Welcome to the Mass Effect Hatboy Exchange, where we celebrate the Normandy's pilot, Joker "Jeff" Moreau, and the relationships he has. This is an 18+ only gift exchange and can be for platonic or romantic relationships involving Joker.

Any questions should be sent to this blog or the mods, @commander-krios and @comeoniwantacoolname​​

Exchange Info- AO3 Collection | Tagset | Sign-up Form | FAQ  

2023 Schedule

- Nominations open: May 14, 2023 - Nominations close: May 28, 2023 - Sign-ups open: June 1, 2023 - Sign-ups close: June 18, 2023 - Assignments go out: June 20 2023 - Works due: August 13, 2023 - Works revealed: August 20, 2023 - Creators revealed: August 27, 2023

Minimum Requirements:

- 1000 word piece of fanfiction of a quality you would be happy to receive - a clean lineart drawing, of good resolution, on unlined paper and of a quality you would be happy to receive.

More updates will be coming soon, so be on the lookout! Follow this page for easy access to the updates.

[commander-krios]

I can now reveal my Shenko Summer fic for @dandenbo. <3 I'm so happy you enjoyed it! Special shoutout to my beta, @comeoniwantacoolname for always helping me out!

Title: Reflections and Regrets Rating: Teen Pairing: MShepard/Kaidan Alenko Summary:

Five times Kaidan nearly confessed his feelings to Shepard and the one time he did.

Additional Tags: Slow Burn, 5+1, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Major Character Injury

~~~~

-1-

Smoke.

Kaidan could still smell the smoke on his clothing, mixed with salt water and conductive fluid. He'd intended to change after a long hot shower, but the debrief had taken the rest of his energy, and he hadn’t moved since. Sitting in the silent comm room, he hunched over, hands hanging between his knees, eyes staring at nothing in particular. 

The edges of his vision blurred and he closed his eyes, images of the battlefield as clear as the Virmire skies had been barely a few hours ago. The shake in Ashley’s voice as her pleas echoed in his ears: ‘get Alenko, Skipper. That bomb needs to go off.’

Shepard’s insistence that he could get both of them to safety, that it was important that they all survived this, that he wasn’t going to leave a man behind.

Shepard’s turmoil as realization set in, and the impossible choice he made at the very last moment…

Ashley .

She’d paid the ultimate price so the rest of them could escape, so that the bomb could take out the cloning facility. So that Saren’s krogan army was reduced to nothing but ash and bones, a smoking pile of ruins and dust amid the salty seas.

Sure, Kaidan was grateful to be alive, but not like this, not at the expense of someone else. Especially not Ashley Williams.

A sigh escaped, loud in the silent room. Kaidan stretched his legs out in front of him, willing the stiff muscles to relax. The haunted look in Shepard’s eyes before the debrief was burned into his memory. 

Maybe Shepard regretted his decision. Kaidan certainly did.

The smallest groan left his lips as he stood, his calves still protesting the movement. There was too much to do before they docked at the Citadel. He needed to clean his armor, and himself. He had a report to write about the situation on Virmire. He had a marine detachment to talk to, Mako repairs to oversee, and somewhere in there, he should probably eat, but as he turned towards the exit, he paused.

The sight of Shepard standing in the open doorway was unexpected. The lights of the CIC illuminated him from behind, leaving his face in shadow, his body outlined in white. He was a silent spectre, eyes shrouded in darkness, a ghost haunting his own ship.

A chill ran down Kaidan’s spine, his mind once again wondering if this is what other people saw whenever they came across the Butcher of Torfan.

“I was just leaving.” Kaidan managed, running a hand through his curls, wincing when his fingers caught on the strands. 

“I-” Shepard hesitated, stepping into the dim room, eyes downcast. The glow from the overhead lights only put more shadows along his face, creases that weren’t there yesterday now visible along his brow. “No, you’re fine. I- need to check in with the Council. Let them know the mission is done.”

They’d almost failed… Would the Council even care that they’d lost a human to Saren’s madness? Was one life worth the information they’d gained? One life for total destruction of Wrex’s hope for the krogan. One life for an entire squad of STG soldiers. One life that meant nothing to the people who lived in the relative safety of the Citadel.

What was one life to them?

“I’ll give you some privacy.” 

Kaidan tried his best to stamp down the grief in his heart. He knew Shepard had to be feeling it even worse. It was his call in the end. Shepard would be the one to deal with the consequences, good or bad. Kaidan followed the orders he’d been given. 

He knew that the haunted look in Shepard’s blue eyes was reflected in his as well. 

Kaidan found himself standing in front of his Commander a few heartbeats later, his hand on Shepard’s shoulder, squeezing gently in what he hoped translated as comfort, as support. 

The other man glanced at him, eyes wide in uncertainty. 

“Commander-”

His grip tightened slightly, Shepard’s jaw tensing as he tried to pick his words with care.

Kaidan resisted the urge to pull Shepard into an embrace, to comfort away the pain, the fear, the regret that so clearly tortured him. He wanted to smooth the lines in his forehead, to wipe away the tears, to take the weight of a galaxy off of his shoulders. There weren't many things he could do in this situation, except be there to help when he inevitably took the fall. He wanted to catch Shepard when the galaxy tried to break him.

But he couldn’t .

Shepard was his commander, yes, but he was also his friend. And his feelings had nothing to do with the man himself. He wouldn’t further complicate what was between them.

“I know you don’t hear this often, but you did the right thing on Virmire, even if it doesn’t feel like it. That cloning facility needed to be destroyed.” 

Shepard’s strained smile was full of the sadness he’d never put words to. “Do you really believe that? After everything we’ve lost?”

Kaidan did, even if he regretted what happened, because the galaxy was worth preserving. There were people that needed protecting and they at least had a fighting chance to stop Saren now. But none of that mattered when Shepard met his gaze, the pain in his eyes stabbing Kaidan in the gut.

“I’ll be in the mess when you’re done, Shepard. I’m sure there’s something stronger than coffee lying around.” 

Even if no amount of alcohol could fix their problems, they could at least send Ashley off properly.

“You’re a good friend, Alenko. I’m glad you’re here.”

Neither of them said the obvious: Kaidan was there because someone else wasn’t .

Someone who probably deserved it more.

-2-

The hum of the drive core was comforting, the ripples of its mass effect fields washing over him and the blue glow a safety he craved in his most vulnerable moment. With a sigh, Kaidan relaxed against the farthest wall from the core, sliding to the floor, settling comfortably in the corner so anyone coming and going wouldn’t trip over him. Stretching his legs out in front of him, he closed his eyes. The dark energy tickled at the edge of his senses and his own biotics responded in kind, an intimate dance between them.

The silence in engineering was welcome, especially after the insanity on the Citadel. The Council had immediately dismissed Shepard’s claims about Reapers, placing the entirety of the blame on Saren and the Geth. Then the Alliance decided the best use of Shepard and his crew was to put them on lockdown. Captain Anderson, of all people, helped them steal the Normandy from the docking bay…

And now, they were on their way to Ilos to face Saren head on before he could get the conduit, whatever that was.

Kaidan wished it was all over with because he felt like he could sleep for the next few years. Or centuries.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there when boots scuffed against the floor.

He managed to open his eyes slightly as Shepard sat beside him, their shoulders brushing, a kind smile on his face when he glanced over at Kaidan. “Hiding?”

“Is it that obvious?” He responded, a laugh escaping despite the pounding in his head, and he forced his eyes closed again. The migraines usually gave a little more warning than this so he’d been a bit surprised at the intensity of it. With a pained groan, he leaned his head back against the bulkhead, pressing a finger into his temple. “I’ll be alright in a little bit. The silence down here helps.”

Kaidan didn’t have to see Shepard’s face to feel him tense. “Kaidan-”

Patting Shepard’s hand affectionately, he tried to ignore the way his heart jumped at the sound of his given name on Shepard’s tongue. “I’ll be fine, Shepard. I promise.”

The commander muttered something under his breath, something that probably wasn’t very nice, but he couldn’t make out the words. Silence descended between them: companionable, comforting, and altogether more satisfying than it’d been before.

The humming of the drive core was still a pleasant white noise in the background and the cold metal of the wall behind him soothed his sweaty skin, keeping the nausea at bay. He opened his eyes a crack, unable to stop from staring at the man next to him.

Shepard was bathed in blue-white light, shadows dancing playfully across his face. He appeared strong, severe and yet, Kaidan felt nothing but peace and safety in his presence. His azure eyes nearly glowed in the dark, his skin an ocean of blues and whites, dotted with the tiniest smattering of freckles and scars.

He’d admired Shepard from afar for the last six months: watching him defend those that couldn’t defend themselves, feeling pride at how Shepard attempted diplomacy and understanding before resorting to violence, being witness to how every loss etched itself into his commander’s very soul.

It wasn’t long before Shepard caught him watching. With a quirk of his lips, he leaned his own head back to meet Kaidan’s eyes. “See something you like, LT?”

He was tempted to respond with an affirmative, to admit that he dreamed of Shepard at night alone in his bunk, that he wanted to press kisses along that strong jaw, or to brush his hands down Shepard’s back as he pulled him closer…

Clearing his throat, Kaidan glanced at the room’s light source, closing his eyes as the brightness made his migraine pulse angrily. Moaning, he leaned forward, his head dropping into his hands.

Shepard’s hand gripped him by the shoulder, keeping him from falling forward. When he spoke, his voice was a whisper. “ Hey . What can I do?”

Kaidan’s hands shook as he pulled them from his face. He kept his eyes closed, trying to make sense of what was happening around him over the throbbing in his skull. “The lights. Too much.”

“Why aren’t you in the medbay?” 

“Liara. Ilos Prep. Didn’t want to interrupt.”

Shepard grunted before he shifted away, taking his warmth as he stood. Then he leaned down to put Kaidan’s arm around his shoulders, pulling him to his feet. It took a few seconds for Kaidan’s brain to catch up with the movement. He wobbled momentarily until Shepard steadied him… his free arm wrapping around Kaidan’s waist and securing him tightly against his own body.

“What’re you-”

“Shh.” Shepard moved forward, keeping Kaidan’s weight supported with each step. “I’m getting you out of here and somewhere better to sleep this off. I need you on Ilos.”

Kaidan wished Shepard needed him in other ways, and he would probably scold himself for such thoughts later, but it didn’t make the desire any less real.

“Where-” The question wouldn’t come out so he stopped speaking, his brain feeling like it was going to melt out of his ears.

“My cabin. It’s cold, dark, and far away from everyone.” Shepard lifted a finger when Kaidan made to argue as best as he could. “Do this as a favor to me.”

If Kaidan was feeling like himself at all, he would’ve protested, telling Shepard that he knew better than to believe that taking the Captain’s quarters wasn’t a breach of whatever fragile friendship they had left, and he wasn’t ready for what that meant. Not when the galaxy was falling down around them.

But his brain wouldn’t respond, no amount of prodding did anything except make his migraine worse, so he allowed Shepard to herd him in silence, ignoring the raised eyebrows and confused looks the crew sent them when they passed.

Shepard’s cabin was cool, the air circulator keeping it at a low yet comfortable temperature. The lights were already dimmed and Kaidan’s eyes (and head) were thankful for the reprieve. He collapsed on the soft blankets, burying his face in the scent of Alliance-issued soap. It wasn’t anything special, but it smelled like Shepard. 

Shepard pulled Kaidan’s boots off and dumped them to the side for later, not bothering to line them up like a good soldier would. Then he helped to get Kaidan in a comfortable position, head on a pillow, blankets piled on top of him in a cocoon. Once he was situated satisfactorily, Shepard sat beside him on the edge of the bed.

“Did you need anything else?”

Kaidan swore that Shepard’s touch brushed against his forehead, twirling a curl around his finger before it disappeared altogether.

“‘M good, thanks.”

Kaidan was nearly asleep when Shepard moved, leaving him on the bed alone. His eyes shut as he spied Shepard in the chair across the room, a sentinel watching over him while he slept.

-3-

Mayday! Mayday, this is the SSV Normandy!

The words echoed in his ears as Kaidan pushed his way through the chaos, dodging terrified crewmen and dangling cables, sparks exploding in dangerous arcs. The ship shuddered beneath his feet, nearly knocking him to the ground. He grabbed on to the closest object, the mess hall table, and thanked his lucky stars that the thing was bolted to the floor. Or what remained of it.

A quick glance confirmed what he already knew: the ship was barely holding together. Fires had broken out across the deck, the emergency fire system soaked the floors, adding even more danger to the crew's haste to escape. Gripping his helmet tightly, Kaidan forced it over his head, coughing against the thick black smoke as he waited for the seals to engage.

A hiss sounded as oxygen filled his helmet and he took a deep breath, attempting to orient himself in the chaos.

Taking a step away from the table, he noted a partially burned body to the right. The familiar buzzcut of Talitha Draven made his heart jump into his throat, grief burning in his chest as he continued on, needing to find Shepard. He tried to convince himself it was to get orders, but he was truly worried. Comms were spotty and he hadn’t heard from Shepard since the attack began.

Another few bodies caught his attention as he made his way to where the distress beacon waited to be launched, each new face making his heart heavier. He knew each and every one of these people and now… now they were gone and for what? Hunting geth that weren’t a threat anymore? Doing the Council’s dirty work while there were other things to prepare for?

Like the Reapers?

And the end of galactic civilization?

The Council was blind and sometimes, as much as he hated himself for it, he wondered if Shepard had made the right choice in saving them. Only time would truly tell if they would help end the Reaper threat or only made everyone else’s choices more difficult.

The familiar sight of John’s N7 armor filled his vision, stopping the dark turn of his thoughts immediately.

“Shepard.”

“Get everyone to the escape pods!” Shepard ordered, hitting the distress beacon with as much force as he could muster. The console sparked briefly but thankfully, didn’t break. 

“Joker won’t leave the cockpit.” He shouted, hoping that Shepard heard over the blaring klaxons. He couldn’t see John’s expression with the helmet on but his blue eyes would haunt him. “I’m not leaving either.”

I’m not leaving you .

Shepard shook his head, almost as if he could hear Kaidan’s thoughts. “Kaidan-”

Gripping Shepard’s helmet, Kaidan pressed the front of his visor against it, an intimate gesture that neither were expecting. Kaidan’s heart pounded hard against his ribs, Shepard’s sudden proximity a desire he’d craved for months, but not like this.

Never like this.

Shepard closed what little distance was between them, hand on Kaidan’s neck, securing him solidly against him. The alarms screamed, fires burned only feet away, but the solid feel of John in his arms almost broke him. He’d wanted this for too long, but now, they didn’t have time. 

“Don’t make me go.”

Shepard sucked in a sharp breath and for a second, Kaidan could’ve sworn he shook. “You have to, Kaidan.” He pushed him away, not roughly but enough to put distance between them. “I’ll get Joker. The others are counting on you. Please .”

Kaidan closed his eyes, filling his lungs slowly with oxygen, trying to force his feet to move, to fulfill his orders. When he finally looked at Shepard once more, he knew he didn’t have a choice. He had a job to do and god dammit he would do it. 

I love you.

It was on his tongue and nearly slipped out, but his feelings were inconsequential as their ship burned around them, the dead staring at them with empty eyes. Talitha couldn’t be saved, but there were others that could.

Swallowing the fear that this would be the last time he saw John Shepard, Kaidan nodded. “Aye aye.”

When he turned his back on the man who had become his world in a few short months, running for the escape pods, there was a dark whisper at the back of his mind that told him it was a mistake. One he would regret for the rest of his life.

-4-

His fingers hovered over the datapad, the words not coming the way he’d intended.

It’d been a shock to see Shepard alive on Horizon, even with Anderson’s warning: There are rumors that Shepard is alive, Commander. Be ready for anything.

But the warnings, the hearsay, the hints about Shepard’s survival over Alchera had prepared him little for what he saw that day: the familiar ocean blue of John’s eyes, the all encompassing relief on the man’s face when Kaidan approached unharmed, the gentle brush of his hand against Kaidan’s shoulder before they embraced. His heart had soared with happiness to see the man he’d followed to hell and back standing in front of him, flesh and blood and very much alive . 

But the moment passed quickly, only to be replaced by more questions than answers.

How was he alive? Was it true that he was with Cerberus now? What had really happened over Alchera? And why was he here now ?

What was Cerberus’ interest in the colony abductions?

Were they involved? Was Shepard involved?

It didn’t matter what the answers were, not when they could be lies. How was he supposed to believe anything a dead man said?

While his head spun with questions, Kaidan’s gaze had taken in the changes in the man he’d once pledged his service to. Shepard’s skin was cracked in places and crimson cybernetics held his flesh together, red lines glowing bright like a beacon over his cheeks and jaw. But there was a darkness in his gaze that Kaidan had seen only a few times before and it scared him.

John Shepard wasn’t the same person who’d died over Alchera.

Now that he could look back on the interaction with fresh eyes, Kaidan admitted he was unnecessarily harsh in his reaction after. There was little he regretted in life, and the things he did regret he could count on one hand. His anger at Shepard on Horizon was one of them. If his former commander really didn’t have a choice from the beginning, then he should apologize. 

The blinking cursor mocked him. Twenty minutes since opening the messaging app and he had yet to write a single word. 

With a sigh, he ran a hand down his face. There was nothing he could say to make up for the years Shepard had lost and more than just John’s life had been destroyed over Alchera. His career, his scars, his friendships… The work he’d done as a Spectre swept under the rug by the Council and Alliance both, many now believing Shepard to be a raving lunatic. 

And this situation with Cerberus…

Another sigh slipped out.

Kaidan wished he could pour his heart out, to let Shepard know how deep the pain of losing him had been. To the crew, to him . The last images burned into his brain played on repeat in front of his mind’s eye: the Normandy’s destruction, and Shepard’s lifeless body drifting over the planet in the cold vacuum of space. No one had been willing to retrieve the man that had saved them from the Geth and Saren, of the hero who had haunted visions of things passed and things yet to come. On that day, Kaidan Alenko’s heart tore in two.

His fingers typed the message before he realized what he’d done.

The words stared back at him, his subconscious willing to destroy everything he’d built over the last two years, all for a man who was supposed to be dead.

John,

These past two years have been more than difficult for me. Seeing you on Horizon brought back old feelings I thought I’d put to rest, but it seems that forgetting you is impossible. I can’t join Cerberus, I won’t, and it has nothing to do with you. Because if I’m being honest, I was tempted to throw it all away to be with you on the Normandy again.

But the Normandy is gone. 

I’m not the same person anymore. I sense you aren’t, as well.

The love I have for you isn’t enough for me to give up on everything I believe.

Kaidan swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat. Even if he wasn’t sending a personal message that both the Alliance and Cerberus officials wouldn’t be reading, he couldn’t admit his feelings in that way. They both deserved better than that, even if they’d never get it.

Each day a life with John Shepard seemed further out of reach.

Especially with Shepard in enemy hands.

He read the message once more before hitting ‘delete.’

-5-

The shuttle landed at the pad a few feet away, dust blowing up into Kaidan’s face as he waited. Lifting his hand to shield himself from the worst of the air, he watched as the door slid open, revealing Admiral David Anderson. He wore his dress blues, medals shining in the bright sunlight. Grey was starting to show in his close cropped dark hair, but he still flaunted that dazzling smile that made him appear years younger.

“Major.” Anderson greeted, reaching out to shake his offered hand. “It’s good to see you. Here to escort us to the inquest?”

“Yes, sir.” He replied, eyes involuntarily straying to where Shepard was stepping from the shuttle. He looked better than Kaidan had seen him in years. This Shepard wasn’t the ghost he’d met on Horizon anymore, half-mended flesh barely held together with cybernetics. His scars had healed, concealing the eerie glow of the implants underneath it, and he’d even put some muscle back on his once thin, almost frail frame.. If Kaidan ignored their purpose for being here in Vancouver, he could almost pretend they were back on the SR-1.

“Major, huh?” Shepard smiled, raising an eyebrow expectantly, almost as if he was waiting for Kaidan to detail the mission that got him the promotion. Like he hoped Kaidan would treat it like old times.

But it wasn’t.

“It’s recent.” He said instead, nodding as Anderson excused himself briefly. Kaidan’s hands were clenched at his sides as he tried to reign in the sudden longing in his heart. He missed those smiles more than he wanted to admit. “I, uh, would rather not talk about it right now.”

“That’s fair. It’s not like I’ve done anything recently to give you reason to trust me.” If Shepard’s words brought him any hurt at all, his voice didn’t betray it. When Kaidan glanced at him again, Shepard was watching Lieutenant James Vega as he stood at parade rest beside Anderson, trying his best not to fall asleep at the conversation the Admiral was having with the lawyers assigned to him.

Kaidan stared at him in silence, memorizing the new scars above his brow, the freckles that dusted his nose, the smooth skin on his cheeks and jaw. John’s hair had grown considerably since Horizon, nearly brushing his shoulders, dusty brown locks that looked as soft as satin.

Kaidan resisted the urge to reach and brush his fingers through it.

This man had done awful things, was on trial for many of those crimes, but stood resolute, fearless. He always had. It was one of the things that Kaidan always admired about him. Shepard was the Butcher of Torfan, but he was also human… he made mistakes like everyone else. What made him different, even special , was that he wasn’t afraid of owning up to them. 

Is that what this was? A misunderstanding? A mistake?

Somehow, Kaidan didn’t think so.

“Did you do it?” He asked, voice quiet and yet, Shepard heard him as clearly as if they were standing in an empty room. 

Shepard’s jaw tensed and he glanced away briefly, blue eyes fixed on something far away that Kaidan couldn’t see. Lieutenant Vega had noticed the movement and looked at them with curiosity. It felt like forever before John shook his head, unfocused gaze landing back on Kaidan.

His fears must’ve shown on his expression because John’s eyes darkened. “Don’t look at me like that, Kaidan. Not you, of all people.”

“I’m sorry, Shepard.” And he was sorry. This wasn’t at all how he wanted to see his former friend again. Not after Horizon. The circumstances never seemed to favor them. “But you have to know what it looks like.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “The Butcher of Torfan getting more revenge against batarians?” He laughed, but there was no amusement in it. “Yeah, I get how it looks.”

“Not to mention, you were flying Cerberus colors.” 

Shepard flinched, the reminder an obvious low blow. “I was under Hackett’s orders.”

“Not officially and that’s all they care about.” Kaidan sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “What happened out there, Shepard?”

“You’ve seen the report, what do you think?” 

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” Kaidan replied, opening his eyes to see the flash of pain on Shepard’s face before he hid it behind his usual stoic mask.

“It does to me.” 

The words were so quiet that Kaidan almost missed them.

“If you’re right about the Reapers, then you didn’t have a choice.” Kaidan said after a moment of silence, hating how strained his voice sounded at the admission. It’s not that he didn’t believe Shepard. He did and that was part of the problem. Because he knew exactly what happened when someone has no other option in a fight that was bigger than themselves.

“It doesn’t make it easier to bear though.”

The regret was nearly palpable in John’s words.

“No, it doesn’t.”

Silence fell between them again, heavier with a truth only a few people knew. Even if they thwarted the Reapers, even if they stopped the whole harvesting of organic civilizations, the loss would still be catastrophic. Winning wouldn’t feel like a victory at all.

“Kaidan, before I leave, there’s something I need to tell you. Just in case…” Shepard trailed off, but the meaning was obvious.

Just in case we don’t see each other again.

Kaidan’s heart broke at the look in his friend’s eyes. They’d once been close, telling each other things that they couldn’t tell anyone else, being there at each other’s six, knowing the other’s tells and expressions, but this gulf between them had only grown since Alchera, since Horizon. Kaidan didn’t want it to grow anymore. Not when the things he felt were still so real. “Shepard-”

“Commander.” Vega appeared at John’s shoulder, a hulking mass of muscle that would’ve been easy to spot any other day, but now surprised them with his sudden presence. “We have to meet with the Admirals now.”

John closed his eyes with annoyance, taking a deep breath to calm himself before he spoke. As always, there was never time. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Sir, Admiral Anderson-”

Shepard stiffened, but before he could snap out a reply, Kaidan cleared his throat, grabbing the attention of both men beside him. With a small smile, he tried his best not to look put out by the inquest, by the politics, and he was sure he failed by the slant of John’s eyes. 

“You should probably go, Shepard.”

He caught the hurt that John tried to hide behind his tense smile. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll see you around, Kaidan.”

As Shepard turned his back on him, Kaidan couldn’t help feeling the deja vu in the worst way.

-6-

“Is that what they did to you?”

Blue eyes flashed coldly and for a moment, Kaidan had a terrible thought that maybe Shepard was a threat much like the mangled creature lying on the ground a few feet away. Was Shepard another husk waiting to be unleashed by the Illusive Man? Could Kaidan trust him? And could he trust himself to do what was necessary if Shepard was a threat?

“How could you compare me to him ?” Shepard snapped, the bite of his voice familiar and foreign all at once. Like so much in their lives now.

He glanced away and realized too late, he probably shouldn’t have. If Shepard was a Cerberus weapon, he needed to watch his back. Unfortunately, the man who usually did that was the one he needed protection from . “Shepard, I don’t know what you are… or who. Not since Cerberus.”

A slight headache appeared as his brain forced the memory away, refusing to acknowledge the fear and doubt he’d held. Because it was his distrust of Shepard that had put them both in danger. 

“Is the person I followed to hell and back- the person I…” He managed to stop before he let the word slip: love. He was in love with John Shepard, but this was not the time for a confession. “Are you still in there somewhere?”

“They didn’t change me, Kaidan. But words won’t convince you, will they?”

No, words hadn’t convinced him. But Shepard’s actions, on the other hand, had spoken volumes. They always had, back when they were a lot younger and a lot less jaded about the future, when they were merely friends who hadn’t yet grieved for thousands of soldiers who’d died with a single choice. 

But they were both different now. Changed in drastic ways as the Reaper war dragged on. Because that was how war went, wasn’t it? It tore at every shred of your heart and your sanity until you’re left with nothing but the memories of people you once loved. Memories of who yourself had been at one time or another.

It took longer than he expected to open his eyes. Brain damage, skull fracture, some other things that seemed horrifying and probably should’ve killed him. Instead, he was lying in a hospital bed on the Citadel, receiving the best care that was possible in the middle of a galactic war, all because his closest ally was a Spectre. 

The overhead lights normally would’ve blinded him upon opening his eyes, but he was surprised to find them shut off, nothing by the artificial daylight of the Presidium streaming in through large open windows. Kaidan blinked a few times to clear the blurriness from his vision. A few minutes passed with nothing but the sound of his heart in his ears as his headache began to slowly subside. A C-Sec shuttle flew past the window, descending to the closest shuttle pad. Different species of birds flew through the air before settling on the branches of a small tree. A well dressed couple was walking the Presidium hand in hand, admiring the flowers that had been recently tended.

The Citadel was almost serene in its unrushed pace. He felt like an interloper in the peace, a soldier that lived and breathed war. He shouldn’t be here, he should be on the front lines. Or, if the morose part of his mind was right, even dead by this point. But he wasn’t . And he knew why.

John Shepard.

Shepard always put himself in harm’s way to make sure his people came home, and when they didn’t, he took it personally, even if it wasn’t his fault. Because most of the time, it wasn’t. 

Kaidan glanced to his right where he knew he’d find the man in question, sitting bedside on a clearly uncomfortable chair, hunched over the hospital bed with his head resting on folded arms. He was sleeping, breathing deeply with the quietest of noises leaving his mouth. With his gaze mapping Shepard’s face, Kaidan noted the dark circles under his eyes, the weariness that seemed to haunt his pale skin even when sleeping. Some of his skin was showing wear, the cybernetics glowing crimson between small cracks in his cheeks.

Whatever had happened since the incident on Mars was wearing on Shepard’s health and Kaidan felt a pang of regret. Some of it was his fault, the words he’d spoken to Shepard on Mars were harsh and for that, Kaidan should apologize. If he couldn’t rely on the people he loved and trusted, he couldn’t rely on anyone.

Before he could stop himself, Kaidan reached out, running his fingers through those thick brunette locks like he’d been craving for years. Soft to the touch, it slid through his fingers with little resistance, landing on the white sheets with nary a sound. He twirled a stray lock of hair around his index finger, smiling when Shepard stirred at the touch.

Opening his eyes, Shepard blinked as if he was unsure of where he was. Once he got his bearings, he lifted his head and glanced around, stretching to ward off the embarrassment at being caught in such a vulnerable position. 

“Hey, Shepard.” Kaidan said, unable to keep from smirking, noting the flushed cheeks and nervous movement of Shepard’s hand over his face.

“Kaidan. It’s, uh, good to see you awake. How are you feeling?” His eyes dropped to where the blanket had slid down, exposing Kaidan’s chest. 

He might’ve felt embarrassed if he didn’t enjoy the look in Shepard’s blue gaze, eyes roaming the expanse of skin and curly chest hair appreciatively. “Better. You didn’t have to wait here for me to wake up. I would’ve sent you a message.”

“Are you sure that’s true?” He glanced up, a worried frown pulling at his mouth. “You weren’t happy with me on Mars.”

Kaidan looked away this time, his hands seeming more interesting than the man beside him. “I was… wrong about you. I’m sorry.”

“Kaidan-”

“I need to get this out, John. Please .” When Shepard fell silent, Kaidan took a deep breath, closing his eyes and releasing it through his nose. It was comforting to feel Shepard next to him, to know that he’d watched over him whenever he was on the Citadel, for however long Kaidan had been sedated. “We were both wrong about a lot over the years, but… this is all on me. I didn’t trust you when I should have.”

“I haven’t made myself very trustworthy.”

Kaidan snapped his eyes open, a glare directed at the man he couldn’t deny any longer. With everything he’d been through: the Alliance using his dark past to their advantage, the Council using him as a tool to further their power, the prothean beacon’s visions nearly tearing him apart, the threat of the Reapers and Geth… and then to top it all off, his death and Cerberus resurrection. The months of being forced to work with his enemies while his allies said terrible things about him, Kaidan included. Bahak and finally being proven right about the Reapers while everything the galaxy had built was being destroyed.

Kaidan didn’t know how Shepard was holding himself together.

“That’s ridiculous.”

The smallest grin appeared on Shepard’s face. “Hey-”

Kaidan wanted to reach out and shake some sense into Shepard, but he was partially to blame for that. He made Shepard doubt himself and he never wanted to see that again.

“I’ve known you for a long time, Shepard, and you’re being too hard on yourself. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you after Horizon. Or Bahak. Or the millions of other times I should’ve been.” He paused, tongue going numb as he pushed his final thought into words. “You’ve always been strong for everyone else. Let me be strong for you.”

His smile widened. “From a hospital bed?”

Kaidan nudged Shepard's shoulder with his hand. “Ok, jackass, very funny.”

Shepard caught his hand before he could pull away, gently holding it against his chest, eyes sparkling with laughter. Kaidan missed seeing him so lighthearted, so at peace. If he could bring a little hope in the face of so much darkness, he’d accept that responsibility wholeheartedly. Entwining their fingers together, Kaidan gave a little squeeze.

“I’m here, John. I wasn’t before and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. But-” He held up his free hand when it looked like Shepard would interrupt. He relaxed, watching Kaidan with wonder. “I’m not going anywhere. If you’ll have me, of course.”

Shepard was quiet, holding Kaidan’s hand as if letting go would be the end of the galaxy. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Kaidan smirked, leaning closer and brushing his free hand through John’s hair before hooking a finger beneath his chin. Tilting his face so their eyes met, Kaidan let his hand drop to the bed. “What do you want? You’ve given everything for the Alliance, for this war. What is the one thing that Commander John Shepard wants?”

There was no hesitation in his next words. “ You .”

John moved faster than Kaidan expected, pulling him closer so their lips met sooner, their desire crashing like waves, relentless. Years and even death hadn’t quelled his feelings for the man in front of him, and it seemed the same could be said of Shepard.

“I love you.” Kaidan whispered against his mouth, enjoying the feel of John pressed against him. The muscles in his neck twinged slightly, but he ignored it in favor of kissing Shepard again, letting every feeling of love and hope and adoration he felt echo in his touches.

There was still a war to fight, and Kaidan likely had to wait to be officially discharged, but for now, they had each other and he wasn’t going to let what they had go without a fight. He’d wasted enough time. 

John broke the kiss, gasping slightly for air, and Kaidan laughed, the sound breathless and happy for the first time in so long. He sent Kaidan a bemused look, but chuckled quietly. “You’re impossible.”

“I’ll have you know…” Kaidan trailed off, his head so full of the reality that he’d just kissed Shepard that this fight didn’t seem to matter as much as it might’ve once upon a time. With his fingers tangled in Shepard’s hair, he brushed his lips against his jaw. “Actually, that’s fair. Considering how long it took to get here -”

“I love you.” Shepard interrupted, trailing a finger along his cheek, cupping Kaidan’s face in his hand a moment later. “I have for a long time, Kaidan. If I’d known-”

Kaidan leaned forward, their foreheads touching in the silence that followed. Regret. It was something both of them had, about so many things, but he wasn’t going to regret this . Because even if one of them had confessed at any time in their past, it wouldn’t have been right.

This was the moment they’d waited for.

“As much as I want to say it would, I can’t pretend that it would’ve made a difference. Changing anything about our past could’ve changed the future and not for the good. I love you, John Shepard, and I’m going to fight for us. No matter what happens.”

John nodded, but said nothing. There was nothing that could be said. They might not have everything, but they had each other.

It was enough.

[kyratittyfish]

This post is for anyone participating in the ShepardSummer2022 exchange.

Since the organizer hasn’t been able to keep up with the exchange, I’m taking over the gift reveal process.

Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the list of participants and matches- if you’re participating (either as a giftee/gifter or as a treat creator), please fill this form so that I can begin the gift reveal process as soon as possible.

Also, it’d greatly help if you could share this post so that it can reach as many exchange participants as possible!

Thank you!

https://forms.gle/Cn627NzgyRV7CWQ26

[jentrevellan]

Kaidan hugs are the best hugs.

I'm *thrilled* to have taken part in my first Mass Effect exchange. So happy holiday cheer to my giftee @fadewolfe ! I hope you like it! @masseffectholidaycheer

[foxprints]

My gift for @natalyelle as part of the 10th annual @masseffectholidaycheer January Jubilation! Happy new year and I hope you like it! Having started my first playthrough romancing Thane just before our assignments went out, I was super pleased to find your Katarina Shepard also romanced him!

[theoriginalladya]

Mass Effect Holiday Cheer

I cannot put into words just how surprised and delighted I was/am to receive the gift @ad-astra13 made for me for the Mass Effect Holiday Cheer exchange!!! I've had this a WEEK and I STILL cannot find the words!

It's my Caleb and Kaidan! In cross stitch!!! Oh man - as a cross stitcher myself, I know just what goes into making a project like this! It's so beautiful!!! The two of them, the details on their armor, the sparkly hearts, the Irish! <3 <3 <3 AHHHH!!!!! As soon as I start getting my art up on the walls in our new house, this will have a very special place! It's absolutely GORGEOUS!!!!

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Go raibh míle maith agat!

(I'm also so happy you enjoyed reading what I have of their many, varied adventures so far! There will be more to come!)

[favoriteblogonthecitadel]

Alight in Your Arms

My holiday gift for @miniature-space-hamster!! I hope you like it as much as I loved writing about them. <3 <3

Summary: Kaidan takes Ruiz out to the lake for an ice skating date, and hopes the surprise he has planned will go well.

Tags: M/M, Kaidan Alenko, Male Shepard (Mass Effect), Ruiz Shepard (OC), Ice Skating, Winter Date, Fluff, Hurt/comfort mention, Post-Canon, Ruiz and Kaidan being adorable

“Your mom said there’s an ice rink a few minutes out towards town,” Shepard pointed out, interrupting his musings. Kaidan did not miss the silent question in his statement: Why here, and not somewhere with temperature control?

He could think of at least three reasons. Of course, he had no plans to show all his cards at once. He shrugged softly, enjoying the feeling of Shepard’s arm against his under their many layers of clothes. “I figured you’d prefer fewer people around for this.”

“…You know I’ll be terrible at it, don’t you?”

“Well, there is that,” he smiled, and nudged Shepard’s cheek with his nose. His attempt at a grumble was stopped in its tracks when Kaidan took the chance to whisper against his ear. “But it would also be frowned upon to grab your ass in front of the local families.”

Shepard turned his face just enough to let their lips brush together as he replied. “Can’t argue with that logic.” In fact, the warmth that fluttered at the pit of his stomach was nothing if not support.

Thankfully, only a few more minutes passed before they caught sight of the lake.

Keep reading here!

[acrossdarkspace]

Hi! I was going to sign up for the exchange, and I'm one of those people who like to offer "any", but there's no box to do this even though it says in the rules that you can? Putting "any" into the field doesn't work either. Can you have a look, or let me know if I need to choose pairings after all? Thanks!!

Hi! Thank you for letting me know. Unfortunately, the long and short of it is, I messed up. I can't change challenge settings since there are already sign ups, but I'm trying to find a workaround if there is one. For now, I'm going to close sign ups until I figure out if I can fix it or not. I will be extending sign ups because of this. Sorry!!

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Commander Shepard Character Profiles

Joan Shepard

Background: Earthborn, War Hero

Alignment: Paragon -- tries her best to do the right thing with as few casualties as possible; she'd much rather talk things through before using violence. Moments where she's had to kill someone in a face to face confrontation and the loss of the OG council and the Batarians weigh heavily on her consciousness.

Class: Soldier, Commando

Romance: Garrus. And then after Priority Earth they invite Tali into their relationship

Best friends/favored squadmates: Garrus and Tali

Ending: Destroy

Summary: WIP

Character Tag: #oc: joan shepard

---------------------------------------------------------

Bryce Shepard

Background: Colonist, Soul Survivor

Alignment: Paragrade -- her moral compass doesn't point quite due north; she isn't afraid to get her hands dirty to get things done (think anti-heroes like Frank Castle) and doesn't put up with bullshit from anyone. Snarky and sharp tongued.

Class: Infiltrator, Commando

Romance: Thane

Best friends/favored squadmates: Liara and Garrus

Ending: Synthesis

Summary: Bryce's life is one of loss. From her friends and family on Mindoir, to her team on Akuze. She tries to distance herself from others and ultimately fails miserably. Of all her crewmates, it seems inevitable that she'd fall for Thane. Because she has already lost Mordin and nearly lost Grunt and had just gotten Kaidan back, losing Thane breaks her. She gets more and more reckless as the war drags on and Garrus and Liara and Cortez see that and do what they can to support her through her grief. It doesn't help much, but she appreciates the effort anyway.

Her final choice is easy in the end, after Anderson dies and she loses the closest person she had to a parental figure since she was sixteen. She picks synthesis because she's sick of losing people she loves and she's sick of so much death and she's sick of the ever growing hole in her chest. And she's tired. So, so tired. If synthesis gives everyone the best chance at survival, then so be it. She's fine sacrificing herself for that if it means EDI and the Geth won't perish, if the relays remain intact and families and friends aren't separated by the vastness of space, if the cycle of annihilation ends.

Character Tag: #oc: bryce shepard

---------------------------------------------------------

Amos Shepard

Background: Spacer, Ruthless

Alignment: Renagon -- has a ruthless reputation for a reason. Does what needs to be done to get the results he wants in the most efficient way. Has a strict moral code and aggressively defends it. He doesn't LIKE violence but many times it's easier to use than words. Seems cold, calculated, and out together on the surface but is a bit of a mess underneath.

Class: Vanguard, nemesis

Romance: Liara (ME1), no one (ME2), Kaidan (ME3)

Best Friends/favored squadmates: Liara, Kaidan

Ending: most likely Destroy

Summary: WIP

Character tag: #oc: Amos Shepard

[hatboyexchange]

Nominations

The Hatboy Exchange will be taking nominations in a few weeks. So what's a nomination and how do you make them?

A nomination is when you request pairings that will be available for use in the exchange's tag set. Say you want to request 'Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard' for one of your pairings.

When the nomination page is open, you will click on the link I provide to the tag set. You will see a page that looks like this:

You will see a list of relationships and fandoms. You are NOT required to fill in the fandom portion of the form. Only the relationship form.

If you want to request a specific pairing, try to browse the tag set prior to nominations to see if something you want to write or request is already part of the tag set.

You only have 10 nominations available so use them to the best of your ability. Once nominations are open, I will go in once a day to approve or deny requests.

ALL OF YOUR REQUESTS MUST HAVE JOKER IN THEM.

Once you've chosen your relationship, it will look like this:

Continue searching for the ships you want to add until you're happy with your nominations list ( up to 10 pairings ).

When you click submit, you should get a list like this:

A green checkmark means that the pairing is approved. You can edit your pairings until the cutoff date of May 28th, 2023.

If you have questions, please send an ask and I will clarify what I can.

[commander-krios]

Reminder to my followers: I run three gift exchanges throughout the year. They are starting up soon so you’ll see me reblogging about them. I will have tags if you want to block the posts about them.

If anyone is interested, these are the exchanges:

@hatboyexchange

@swtorsummerexchange

@kotorgiftexchange

[masseffectholidaycheer]

Hello dear harbinger! Will there be a reaping this year?

Apologies for the slow response. Harbinger was deep in Dark Space when you sent this.

Believe it or not, this year is the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of the first Mass Effect Holiday Cheer ... and even cranky old Reapers know better than to dismiss a TEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

So yes, there will be a Reaping. It will likely follow the same January Jubilation model as in recent years, so there's still a bit of time before I have to mobilize the forces OF EVIL of holiday cheer.

But the forces will certainly be mobilized.

You will know gifts.

[nightcourtreader]

Azriel’s shadows

Like I have seen a lot of theory’s and things about Azriel’s shadows. Which includes that the shadows protect Elain, that his shadows hide when azriel feels safe or comfortable, his shadows are there to protect him and that’s why they are around & disappear around certain people, that it is a good thing that his shadows disappear, that he’s going to get rid of his shadows and a lot of other stuff. These arguments can all be easily disproven if you just read the series.

I personally think that Azriel’s shadows are sentient. They have their own thoughts and opinions but they are also an extension of Azriel and his moods and behavior. Like they can clearly communicate with Azriel effectively and Azriel even mentions how they tell him to sleep and that they like to warn about him things.

So here’s a list of descriptions of Azriel shadows throughout the entire series, including his bonus chapter.

Acomaf

* “Azriel’s brows flicked up with approval as the shadows seemed to wrap tighter around him. As if he were the dark hive from which they flew and returned” (pg 160, ACOMAF)

• So rhys told them of the cauldron, and the reasons behind the temple pillagings, to no shortage of swearing and questions—and revealed nothing of what I had admitted in exchange for the information. Azriel emerged from his wreathing shadows to ask the most questions; his face and voice remained unreadable. (Page 205, ACOMAF)

* The spymaster had waited in silence. I tried not to look too uncomfortable as he scooped me into his arms, those shadows that whispered to him stroking my neck, my cheek (pg 240, ACOMAF)

* People often made the mistake of assuming Cassian was the wilder one; the one who couldn’t be tamed. But Cassian was all hot temper—temper that could be used and forge and weld. There was icy rage in Azriel I had never been able to thaw. In the centuries I’d known him, he’d said little about his life, those years in his father’s keep, locked in darkness. Perhaps the shadow singer gift had come to him then, perhaps he’d taught himself the language of shadow and wind and stone. (Page 275, ACOMAF)

* The shadows gathered around his shoulders, like they were indeed whispering to him, shielding him, perhaps. His broad chest expanded with a deep breath that sent them skittering, and then he set into an easy, graceful stroll after them. (pg 285, ACOMAF)

* Azriel, wreathed in shadows by the front door, chuckled quietly. Cassian shot him a glare. “I don’t see you spouting poetry, brother.” Azriel crossed his arms, still smiling faintly. “I don’t need to resort to it.” (Page 392, ACOMAF)

Acowar

* “Azriel arrived first, no shadows to be seen, my sister a pale, golden mass in his arms. Elain’s golden brown hair snagging in some of the black scales across his chest and shoulders” (pg 253, ACOWAR)

* “Shadows curled around Azriel’s shoulders, whispering in his ear as he stared down Eris (pg 270, ACOWAR)

* “I can help her,” said Azriel, stepping to the table as Elain silently rose. No shadows at his ear, no darkness ringing his fingers as he extended a hand” (Pg 315, ACOWAR)

* Azriel squeezed, Eris thrashing beneath him. No physical brawling—there had been a rule against that, but Azriel, with whatever power those shadows gave him..perhaps those shadows that now slid and eddied around the Shadowsinger hid him from the wrath of the binding magic. The others made no move to interfere, as if wondering the same. (Page 428, ACOWAR)

•While shadows gathered around Azriel, Elain at his side, wide eyed at the spymaster’s display” (pg 479, ACOWAR)

* Azriel silently faded into blackness—until he was my own shadow and nothing more. (Page 566, ACOWAR)

* Azriel stepped out of a shadow. “What is that,” he hissed. My brows rose. “You hear it?” A shake of the head. “No—but the shadows, the wind…they recoil. (Pg 560, ACOWAR)

* “That smile grew, bright enough that it lit up even Azriel’s shadows across the room” (Pg 693, ACOWAR)

Acofas

* Az, too—in the strange way that Az could move through the world without technically winnowing. He’d never asked. Azriel certainly had never explained. (Page 22, ACOFAS)

* A corner of Azriel’s mouth curled up, the shadows about him sliding over his neck living living tattoos, twins to the Illyrian ones marked beneath his leathers. (pg 66, ACOFAS)

* Shadows different from anything my powers summoned, spoke to. Born in a lightless, airless prison meant to break him. Instead he had learned it’s language (pg 66, ACOFAS)

“the illyrians are pieces of shit,” he said too quietly. Shadows gathered around his wings, trailing off him and onto the thick red rug. (Page 67, ACOFAS)

Acosf

* Nesta straightened at the shadowsinger’s appearance, the darkness clinging to his shoulders as he offered her a grim smile. (Pg 100, ACOSF)

Azriel was nothing short of beautiful. Even with those scarred hands and the shadows that flowed from him like smoke. (Page 100, ACOSF)

* She set down her teacup. “Is that a threat, Shadowsinger?” Azriel said coolly, “I don’t need to resort to threats.” The shadows coiled around him, snakes ready to strike. (Pg 101, ACOSF)

* Azriel chuckled, shadows skittering. “Did you listen at all last night?” (Pg 221, ACOSF)

• His brother nodded. “Fine.” But shadows still swarmed him. (Page 221, ACOSF)

* “No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like shadows preparing to strike” (Pg 233, ACOSF)

* He jerked his chin toward Azriel. “Why are you up here?” “I thought I’d do some training myself before heading out for the day,” Az said, his shadows lingering in the archway, as if fearful of the bright sunlight in the ring. (pg 250, ACOSF)

• A shadow curled around Azriel’s neck, the only one brave enough to face the sunlight. “Something like that.” (pg 252, ACOSF)

• Azriel blushed and stepped back, shadows swirling. (Page 603, ACOSF)

• Gwyn asked Az, her teal eyes bright, “what do we get if we finish the course?” Az’s shadows danced around him. (Page 623, ACOSF)

* “There are plenty of other unspeakable things that could be happening to her,” Cassian said, voice thickening. “To Emerie and Gwyn.” The shadows deepened around Azriel, his siphons gleaming like cobalt fire. (Page 688, ACOSF)

* Even Azriel’s own shadows kept tucked behind his wings. Koschei laughed, and Azriel stiffened. Like his shadows had murmured a warning. (Pg 710, ACOSF)

Azriel’s bonus chapter

• Sleep, they seemed to whisper in his ear. Sleep. I wish I could, he answered silently. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

• But even the silence weighed too heavily, and though the shadows kept him company, as they always had, as they always would. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

• Elain sucked in a breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They’d always been prone to vanish when she was around. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

• he had only allowed himself these thoughts in the dead of night. Had only allowed his hand to fist his cock and think about her then, when even his shadows had gone to sleep. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

* He aimed for the training pit, giving in to the need to work off the temptation, the rage and frustration and writhing need. He found it already occupied. His shadows had not warned him. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

* “It’s fine. I came to retrieve something I forgot.” The lie was smooth and cool, as he knew his face was. His shadows peered over his wings at her. The young priestess smiled—and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

* “How was the party?” Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

I blame Cassian for this. He’s too busy making eyes at Nesta to notice such mistakes these days.” Azriel laughed. “I’ll give you that.” Gwyn smiled broadly. “Thank you.” Azriel dipped his head in a sketch of a bow, something restless settling him. Even his shadows had calmed. As if content to lounge on his shoulders and watch. (Azriel’s bonus chapter)

* Gwyn nodded farewell, again facing the ribbon. A warrior sizing up an opponent, all traces of that charming irreverence gone. Azriel entered the warmth of the stairwell, and as he descended, he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer. (Azriel’s bonus chapter )

So the question is where in the text does it prove that Azriel’s shadows protect Elain? Protection definitions include keeping safe, keeping from harm, defend, shield, take care of, care after. They never left Azriel’s person to protect anyone. The only person they directly touched in this series was Feyre. They tend to vanish around Elain’s presence, like 98% as confirmed by Azriel himself. So how are they there to protect her when they tend to vanish when she’s around? You can’t protect someone you are not around. His shadows turning into snakes ready to strike in the corner is not them protecting Elain, it’s them reacting off Azriel’s mood, because we’ve seen the shadows do the exact same thing when nesta asked Azriel was that a threat in the beginning of acosf and he answered nesta coldly without Elain even being there.

The next theory. That the shadows hide when Azriel/they feel safe. Like 98% of the time Azriel’s shadows are out when it comes to the IC, Feyre, nesta, the Valkyries and the women he’s training in acosf. So if they hide when Azriel feels safe, why don’t they hide when he’s around his family, friends, the women from the library that he’s training?

Azriel’s has known Rhys, Cassian & Mor for 500+ years and going based off that logic, why doesn’t Azriel feel safe around his brothers to the point his shadows don’t disappear? Because we can see they tend to hide around Mor as well. Is it just women? If that’s the fact then why don’t they disappear around nesta? Gwyn? Emerie? What about the new trainees from the library that can’t physical hurt him because he’s been trained to fight his whole life and they haven’t? Because mind you, he’s helping train women that’s in the library and we all know the reasons why they are in the library and wanted Azriel’s help to train. So why would they be a threat to Azriel?

Do we know what his shadows did when he was around Koschei in acosf? A literally death god, that’s a threat who is planning to take over prythian? They hid behind Azriel’s wings. Do we know what his shadows did when they heard the cauldrons “siren song” that led Elain away from the camp to get kidnap by hybern’s camp? They recoiled. You know what recoil means. It means drawing back or jumping back. That means when Azriel’s shadows come into contact or around things they don’t seem safe, they hide, not the other way around.

Why do his shadows dance in Gwyn’s presence? Why did Azriel say that his shadows felt calm and he felt something restless settle within him when he talks to Gwyn and his shadows didn’t disappear but lounged on his shoulders instead like they were just content to be there? He and his shadows obviously felt safe enough to stay and talk with gywn after she gave azriel an out to leave.

So all this literally debunks the fact that Azriel’s shadows disappear when he feels safe because there is no reason why Azriel shouldn’t feel safe in the presence of his family & friends. But they hide and recoil when it comes to true danger and manipulation. I don’t think that them vanishing and skittering back makes Elain to be a bad person or a threat to Azriel but it’s telling that SJM mentioned in Azriel’s bonus chapter that the shadows tend to vanish around Elain and that Azriel does his weird freaky stuff with that damn headache powder only in the dead of night when his shadows are gone to sleep.

To me personally, it seems that Azriel finds solace in his shadows. They comfort him. His shadows are his companions. They were there even before he met Rhys & Cassian, meaning they’ve been with him 520+ years. They are not something to get rid off, they are a literally apart of Azriel’s identity as to why he’s a shadow singer and a spy master. He himself stated that they will ALWAYS be apart of him. Azriel is a grown fae that can protect himself without his shadows, they don’t need to protect him. They help him more than anything.

Azriel has been described to work best in the shadows. That he doesn’t like to be the center of attention to the point where he doesn’t even like opening up presents with his family because he doesn’t like the attention on him. His shadows help him hide from peoples view better, why wouldn’t he be comfortable in them and find comfort with them being out and surrounding him?

I understand wanting to argue for a ship and stuff but literally coming up with lies and false information to make it seem like something is more than what it is when you can easily pick up the books to disprove these arguments is ridiculous.

[omg-snakes]

Thoughts on Crab Day

I support this idea and I'll be participating on July 29th.

I see a lot of folks saying things to the effect of, "don't reward Tumblr for making things worse/not listening to their userbase/not adding features I need-want-like." I also see a lot of posts saying that the organizers of Crab Day are TERFs, neo-Nazis, and/or ultraconservatives.

While I agree that TERFs and Nazis (neo and paleo) need to be yote into the sun, whoever started this idea was not wrong about the site needing money to continue operating. Tumblr is a business. That's how businesses work.

Now, they can get money from advertisers and monetization partners, or they can get it from users. If they get it from advertisers/investors, those parties have the opportunity to weigh in on features they think will generate more revenue... like Tumblr Live... which is objectively trash. Tumblr Live is powered by LiveBox, an add-on service provider that enables sites to host live streaming content to generate revenue. Tumblr is also trying to attract users from the X-Twitter exodus by making the interface more familiar to these users. Was this a bad idea? Yes. It's a desperate attempt to attract more users so as to increase ad views and generate more revenue. But, remember, Tumblr is a business. That's how businesses work.

For YOU (and me!), Tumblr is a community. It's a platform for our art. It's a meeting place for friends and like-minded individuals. It's a safe space for self-expression. It's the last mostly-unmonetized bastion of social media in a landscape dominated by influencers, hustlers, and data-miners. For TUMBLR STAFF, Tumblr is a service that they are trying to sell so that they can obtain money that they can then exchange for food, housing, repayment of student loans, etc. If they can't afford those things by selling you their services, then they will literally go do something else. Yes, Tumblr is indeed a business and not just a passion project. That's how businesses work.

So by buying things directly from Tumblr, like a $3 crab-summoning gift, and especially as part of a coordinated effort like Crab Day and/or Crab Week, you are telling Tumblr Staff that YOU are a CUSTOMER, not just a monetizable data point. We are, in a very distant sense, establishing ourselves as a body of influence. If Tumblr sees that we can and will do this en masse, they are more likely to treat us as contributors and potentially shareholders who need to be kept happy. We each have a vested interest in the continuation of this site, and we have a rare opportunity to show the specific value of that interest.

Also, for those who want more accessibility tools, this is a great way to get those implemented. Accessibility for web applications is a big, big business and toolkits and training for accessibility standards tend to cost quite a lot. Training for a single accessibility plug-in toolkit can cost around $2000 per user*. That's about 667 crabs. By participating in Crab Day, even just a little bit or even just spreading the word about it or even just allowing others to participate as they please without pitching a ragequit tanty about it, you can tell Tumblr staff that you're here as a customer, your voice needs to be heard, and your needs are important.

If this doesn't work, and Tumblr doesn't take their userbase seriously after we make a concerted effort to support them, then please by all means go back to whatever version of complaining makes you feel most satisfied. But just for now, let's try something new!

*based on actual costs of a web accessibility training program offered by the agency for which I work

[centrally-unplanned]

Saw some discussions of people "taking down" Karl Polanyi's 1944 The Great Transformation in response to some other articles mentioning it, which is always amusing to me because its a very dead horse to beat. In short, Polanyi was the founder of the "markets-as-modernity" idea, where before the modern era states and economies did not function on supply and demand, but instead on things like gift and reciprocity. It was never a very coherent idea (Supply and demand is an inherent aggregating feature of human society) but direct evidence has compounded with logic to relegate it into the past. His ideas that say ancient Babylon had centralized prices built around temple donations has been set aside in the face of the evidence of incredibly complex exchange economies that ran through Mesopotamia - we even see things like derivative contracts! Because of course you do, financial risk is inherent to economics, so societies will experiment around mitigating it.

There is a perfectly coherent "steelmanned" version of this idea that is quite robust today - markets are always with us and were never invented, but they are also socially constructed and their scope changes based on context, with a large modern expansion. Did the Roman Empire have a market for wages, alongside goods? Yes, of course it did - but that market was quite "distorted" by the mass-scale slavery endemic to the economy. Slave vs free labor economies both have "markets" and function alongside them, but for the actual lived human experience these are night and day systems, and based on deep social institutions, not at all "inherent abstract forces". Lots of societies had differences like this - sometimes ancient governments did try to dictate prices! They failed, but they tried, its a difference.

And more broadly under low-productivity systems most people engaged in subsistence farming, and interacted minimally with trade systems. If most of your economic "units" don't engage in trade, the markets don't matter as much, but over time this changed, and as more and more people "entered" the market that is both a change in itself and created knock-on effects in urbanization, specialization, financial institutions, etc, that is totally fair to describe as a "transformation". Starting in the 18th century its very clear the world began a rapid shift to specialization & wage labor in a way never seen before, its a new society in many ways.

Problem is none of this steelman is anywhere close to what Polanyi was saying. He was definitely claiming that market exchanges and supply and demand price shifting and all that were optional, and could be (and historically were) replaced by gifts or redistribution policies or the like. He is just wrong about this and there is no reason to bother trying to rehabilitate it. Doesn't make him wrong about everything! States definitely also "constructed" markets and put a lot of work into that, for example, a big point of his. But you see the "pre-market era of history" pop up in discourse, journalism, politics, etc from time to time, and as an economic historian its always a groan moment. No one is debating this anymore.

[pompomqt]

Journey to the West Chapter 7

Sun Wukong in the Eight Trigrams Brazier:

So when we last left off in Journey to the West with @journeythroughjourneytothewest, Sun Wukong was being hauled away by heaven for execution. So how did that turn out for them? Well... they throw everything they have at him but find that known of their weapons even scratch him and setting him on fire and hitting him with lightning also has no effect. So while they are trying to figure out how to kill Sun Wukong when nothing they throw at him hurts him in anyways Laozi suggests they throw him in the Brazier of the eight Trigrams to separate Sunwukong from the heavenly peaches, wine and divine elixir which had refined in his stomach giving him a diamond body that can't be destroyed. So Laozi throws him in the braizer, but Sun Wukong crawled beneath the 'Xun' or 'Wind' compartment to stay safe from the flames. However the wind churned up smoke giving Sun Wukong his fiery eyes. Forty nine days later they open the brazier to extract the elixir, and we get to add a +1 to Sun Wukong's cry count since at the time of the brazier finally opening, he was 'covering his eyes with both hands, rubbing his face and shedding tears'. Needless to say Sun Wukong bolts out of there the second there is an opening. Sun Wukong definitely seems to be in a lot of distress as he throws off the fire tenders and guardians that try and grab him, and even shoving Laozi over. I think it's also interesting that Sun Wukong- who as we previously saw seems to mostly enjoy combat and exchanging taunts with his enemy is silent for this rampage and seems to be lashing out indiscriminately now. Eventually Sun Wukong fights his way into the Hall of Perfect Light, where Numinous Officer Wang intercepts him, they fight for a while, and eventually 36 thunder deities also jump into the fight. Sun Wukong uses some shapeshifting to transform into a creature with six arms and three heads to keep them all at bay.

With No one in heaven able to take down Sun Wukong, the Jade Emperor sends some gods to ask the Buddha to come and subdue him. So Buddha arrives and interrupts the fight, and Sun Wukong finally speaks for the first time this chapter, demanding to know who he is and why he is interrupting his battle. Buddha introduces himself and asks Sun Wukong why he is so unruly. And Sun Wukong says he is going to over throw the Jade Emperor, and that if he doesn't hand over the Celestial palace to him that there will never be peace. And with that we get to add 'Treason' to Sun Wukong's list of crime for attempting to overthrow the government. Buddha decides to make a wager with Sun Wukong, saying that if Sun Wukong can cloud summersault clear out of the palm of his hand that he will let Sun Wukong have the Celestial Palace, but if he fails it's back to the region below to be a monster for Sun Wukong.

Sun Wukong takes that bet, and cloud summersaults to five flesh pink pillars supporting a mass of green air. In order to prove that he made it here Sun Wukong signs one of the pillars and pee's on it. With that done, he summersaults back to where he started on the palm of Buddha's hand. Sun Wukong claims he made it to the edge of Heaven, but the Buddha directs Sun Wukong's attention to his hand which has been signed, and the smell of monkey pee coming from it. Sun Wukong unwilling to believe it tries to go there once more, but the Buddha overturns his hand, throwing monkey back down to earth as his five fingers becomes the five phases mountain, which manages to pin Sun Wukong down with just enough pressure to trap him. Adding +1 to Wukong's defeats. After that Heaven throws a victory Banquet and showers the Buddha with praise and gifts. Until a god makes a report that the Great Sage is sticking his head out. So the Buddha makes a seal for them to stick on top of the mountain, causing the mountain to grow roots and fuse with the ground. Before the Buddha leaves, he calls upon some local spirits to stand watch over Five Phases mountain and to fee Sun Wukong Iron Pellets when he is hungry and melted copper when he is thirsty. Which personally to me sounds worse then just going hungry and thirsty....

And so there Sun Wukong will remain until his sentence is complete and a certain someone comes to free him...

Current Sun Wukong Stats: Names/Titles: Monkey, The Stone Monkey, The Handsome Monkey King, Sun Wukong (Monkey awakened to the void), Bimawen (Banhorseplague) and The Great Sage Equal To Heaven. Immortality: 5 Weapon: The Compliant Golden Hooped Rod Abilities: 72 Transformations, Cloud-Somersault, Ability to transform his individual hairs, super strength, Ability to Summon Wind, Water restriction charm, and the ability to change into a huge war form, ability to duplicate his staff, ability to immobilize others, the ability to put others to sleep, and the Fiery eyes and Diamond Pupils Demon Kill Count: 1+ Unknown Number of Minions God's Defeated: 19 + Unknown number Defeats: 2 Crime List: Robbery, Murder, Mass Murder, Arson, Theft, Coercion, Threatening a Government Official, Resisting Arrest, Assault, Forgery, Employee Theft, False Imprisonment, Impersonating a Government Official and Treason. Cry Count: 3 Mountains Trapped Under: 1