#maybe i just dont pay taxes anymore

[fireflythecinnamonjollyrancher]

saw a poem about watching chaos unfold from the west and the final lime was "im so sorry for my part in it" and I think that finally broke me

It's MY money that I already don't have enough of that's forced out of my pocket that's funding death and torture thousands of miles away. I want that money back!!!! You didn't even ask you just took it and spent it somewhere I don't want it spent!!!! I don't think taxpayer dollars should ever be allowed to fund offensive attacks or the military. I want my money to go to my local libraries, food shelters, to low cost housing, to rescuing animals. But no. It's going to genocide right now and there's nothing I can do except scream and yell and donate what I can

[muirneach]

just got a reel on instagram that was like ‘why we moved from toronto to calgary: low taxes’ which is already a red flag as is but the poster? JASON KENNEY 🤢🤢

[castielsprostate]

Why are you acting like the Netherlands haven't just won

hi anon, you chose the wrong person to say this to. please don't fucking come at me with this kind of fucking bullshit. if you didn't read my blog info, which i dont except the average pvv supporter to do (no offense), then you'd know the way i identify! woagh! and you'd ALSO know that i actually don't feel very welcome or safe anymore and that im terrified of the people around me because of the person they voted for. the netherlands did not win, they didn't win anything fucking at all if they're regressing on human rights and electing one of the biggest bigots there are. you say "nederland weer op 1" but you know who funds PVV right? you know he gets his money from russia and isreal, right? you know that he does not care about you, right? and that the regular citizen is nothing to him, right? and you know that after he comes for those from an immigrant background, he will come for the LGBT community. he will come for the disabled. he will come for women's rights. he will come for the rights of everyone except white, rich, old men. he doesn't care about the working class, and he sure as all fuck can't make true on his promises. most of the things he wants goes against our constitution, how fucked up is it that people still voted for that?

he wants to cut off immigration, including those that come here for work. he wants to then increase the size of our healthcare and our healthcare workers. quick question, who is going to work in our healthcare? we are already on a shortage, who's going to pick up what's yet to come?

he wants to build more homes, but who's actually going to build those? like, physically, who is going to put those houses together because, guess what! there's no one to do the fucking work. no one works in ANY of these professions anymore, no one WANTS to work in them either. so he would need to get funding to make schooling free for these professions, or create incentives. but where do we get that money? where would you get a billion to make med school (rough term, not really what the term is here) free for only one year? ah, i hear you say, just pull the funding from ukraine and the developing countries. well, 1.) we can't, we're legally obligated to keep paying, and if he somehow does find a way to stop the funding then 2.) we will be hit with fines from both the EU and the NATO, and maybe even the UN. and guess who will pay that, anon? it will be the working class, since he doesn't want to make companies pay more tax, so it will be you and me that pay for this.

and all that isn't even the massive impact he will have on our climate, and don't try the fucking "netherlands is only a small country, it doesn't matter what we do because the us china and russia and india womp womp" because no matter how small the step is, small steps are worth it, too.

and, may i also remind you, anon <3 dat geert wilders in zijn zielige, donkere kut hartje altijd een VVD'er zal zijn. hij is een waardeloze, racistische, homofobische, ellendige, koude oude man en dat is NIET en zal NOOIT zijn wat nederland nodig heeft.

and finally, geert wilders is NOT what the majority of the netherlands wants, it's what 23% of voters want. every other voter did NOT vote for this buffoon, and you're gonna be in those booths again in 6 to 9 months because of the incompetence of the coming kabinet because geert wilders will destroy it.

en, als laatste. stem links bij de volgende verkiezing. stem GL/PVDA of stem volt, stem op de groene partijen die WEL de begroting doorrekenen, die ons WEL uit deze crisis kunnen krijgen en die WEL om ons geven. denk niet aan de toekomst van alleen morgen, denk ook aan de toekomst van over 10, 20, 30, 40, 50! jaar. want op de manier waarop het nu gaat, is er niet meer dan 50 jaar. en dat ene jaar 0% belasting op boodschappen (wat hij trouwens ook niet kan waarmaken, de belastingdienst heeft jaren nodig voor zoiets te kunnen invoeren lmao. misschien heb je het in 2030! en daarna schiet het weer om hoog <3), is niet waard de gruwelijke dood van jou, je kinderen, en iedereen om je heen.

-all the love, sjonnie, a half turk, queer faggot

[transgenderer]

hot(?) take: i feel like capitalism and colonialism (19th century and thereabouts) and colonialism (ancient) arent actually that similar. like there's this idea that theyre all predicated on limitless growth, which is unsustainable and therefore bad, which i think is a shallow understanding of what's bad about these things, and a shallow similarity?

because like...okay, so where does the growth in capitalism come from? just like...causally. this is a hard question! because there *is* illusory growth but its not *all* illusory growth. theres the consuming more natural resources theory, which is definitely part of it, a necessary part of it, but obviously not all of it, and the technology theory, again major but i think not all of it and theres the efficiency theory, which is the most pro-capitalsit one, and i think not entirely bullshit, with the same resources and same technology you can distribute those resources in different ways, some of which provide more benefit to people than other arrangements (ex: economies of scale). and there's sort of the dark side of efficiency, that its about extracting more labor/value from the working classes (often the idea is that its *exclusively* this, which is silly imo), but regardless, its complicated, and fraught, and changes over time, and i think *mostly* about neither capturing new markets or capturing new resources. the "requirement" for unsustainable infinite growth here is mostly in the resource extraction part, which like, maybe? idk, imo theres not really a human society that's ever existed without unsustainably extracting resources from their environment, its just a matter of speed.

so then, colonialism! well, while colonialism (ancient) and colonialism (premodern) are superficially similar, i think theyre actually not very similar in terms of where the wealth comes from? aiui, ancient colonialism is *mostly* about taxes (which can take many forms. food or slaves (which is basically a weird iform of taxation)), which for an ancient state are like, pretty unambiguously like, theft. or at least largely theft. you get some new territory, take grain or slaves, theres the implication that this is some sense "paying" for greater protection for invaders, but obviously its by no means *mostly* going to that purpose, its theft with extra steps. and then the taxes enrich the metropole. rome. china. etc. but anyway i dont think this actually *requires* unsustainable infinite growth? i mean, it did in rome, because they organized their society around a land-based ponzi scheme (become a soldier, conquer land, get land as pension) but lots of ancient colonial societies just like, stopped expanding without collapsing, with the metropole "permanently" (until collapse for other reasons) enriched

anyway the next step is premodern colonialism. and the source of wealth here is weird? its all very econony. like obviously there was *some* resource extraction here, especially early on, straight up taking gold was spain's whole deal, but the spanish empire wasnt nearly as succesful as the british empire, which had a much subtler thing of like, controlling captive markets and then like selling stuff *back* to their colonies, which is like...i guess kind of just indirect taxation? but like, their modern wealth doesnt come from physical gold or spices or whatever they took 200 years ago, it comes from like...developing their economy. its complicated. but also doesnt seem like it requires infinite growth? the size of the british empire plateaued for a while, and it didnt collapse cuz they werent growing anymore (or at least, i dont think thats why it collapsed? it collapsed for like, idk, political reasons. and the world wars)

so anyway these systems just dont seem very similar, at least wrt economic growth?

[sajaffery]

its ten now and i still havent written anything yet. i feel like reading something. wish i could have a career as a reader. not at a publishing house though, i want to read the classics and the modern classics and the great books for a career. i feel like if i just had to read unpublished manuscripts for a living i’d never find the time to read any of the good stuff. oh i forgot to mention this is surprisingly hard to edit. i thought you could just click on it and continue typing but no you have to click on it wait for it to load on a new page and then click edit and then wait for it to rload again. ive added the last page as a bookmark now and will update on whether it opens or not next time. i feel like a blogger again. i feel dirty. or worse, a youtuber. agaain they’re worse because they make a lot more money. my wife calls me a fake socialist because i hate people who have money even though my dad does. and i hate paying taxes. there are other reasons as well but i cant remember them now. because theyre bullshit and no man ever really listens when his wife is criticising him. oh yes, i have a wife and she has to figure in to the rules somehow to i just havent figured out how yet. i just reread that and it came out awfully. she just came into the room and i turned the computer screen away from her. i think im embarrsed because it feels like i’m writing a blog. shes a poet and a playwright and a fucking good one too. but shes also one of the twitterarses. o i like that! i’m going to call her that today, but yes that brings her back down to my level. hence her agreeing to marry me. she’s always the first person to read my work but i’m not sure if i’m going to let her read this. it almost feels like it would lose its integrity if she comments on it. especially because she’s actually in this. i’m totally intimidated by her. shit. i wish i hadnt written that because theres no way i’ll ever let her read it now. her poetry’s been published and she’s performed it at countless venues and so have her plays. twitterarse. i really like that. i nearly googled it to see if its been used by anyone yet. but then i remembered the rules. i feel like google is killing my capacity to think independently. to analyse anything. i just called her a twitterarse. she didn’t seem to impress. apparently it doesn’t work. what does she know. stick to rhyming keats. damn it. i dont like it all that much anymore. maybe its not just google that’s killing my independent thought. maybe its everyone else.

[toytulini]

God damn tomorrow is april fools isnt it. And im just gonna be too exhausted to do anything but sit and vibe :(

[kazumasamaanime]

I do not understand some people here over the last few days. I will explain what I mean.

Why some people here blame yona for soo won being sick. Yona brought him to this situation!? or did yona tell hiryuu "chose me because he's not good". I dont understand you.

Why do you people keep saying that yona has done nothing for the kingdom?

Yona with the dragons was not the one who helped save awa!?

Yona with the dragons was not the one who saved the villages from hunger and disease when your king's soldiers went to forcibly collect taxes from these unfortunate villagers!?

I know what you will tell me. "But what do you say, soo won went to help awa" and "soo won did not know that these soldiers did that. You are wrongly accusing him."

Since he is a king he should have known that these things happen but obviously, he probably chose not to pay attention to them and focus on what he cared about (which was just the throne) and do not tell me that "as soon as he sat on the throne, he did not catch to change them". In order not to be discovered, he had the soldiers catch yona and hak from the first moment he killed the previous king.

Yona with hak and the others, while they were chasing to kill them did not put it down and helped even more. They helped save the lily and the water tribe from the nadai. While soo won was trying to start a war they stopped him and helped find a solution. They saved him even when soo jin wanted to kill soo won.

And while he could not, hak fought and brought him victory.

And what did he do for the kingdom? Nothing. I know what you will say "things made a difference and one of them was the Tribe League". Yes, that's one of the good things he did, but he just got it? And it's also not one of those things that a king should do. I did not see the situation in the kingdom change, it is still suffering.

Who went to be killed so many times? Who fought in the war (the previous one)? Who were they who changed the kingdom?

Not soowon with the rest.

Yona and hak didn't take revenge on soo won. Yona did not have the right? She could have him weak in front of her.

But she did not do it so as not to continue the hatred. And hak went to bring him even the medicine to make him well.

They are soft hearted. Maybe they are. But they do not kill for no reason and in the worst ways as Yu Hon did. Yes, but for this reason everyone wants them and not soo won. Because they are trying to save and win. They do not only seek victory, they also save the weak, something that soo won did not think to do. This is what Geun-tae saw and he wanted to support yona and not him anymore.

I know what you will say to me "But they have a war they do not have time to think about it, how important it is for them to win to protect the kingdom". Yes, but as a king he should do both. That is why he is a king. Not only for victory but also for the salvation of both the country and the military in the war.

Probably for this reason hiryuu chose yona and not soo won. Because yona cares while he does not. And as he said, "Even if I am despised and betrayed by humans.... I still love them".

And no, I'm not claiming that IL did. Think before you speak. Because I do not support Yu Hon, I do not agree with what IL did. They both made mistakes and paid for them. End.

If someone does not agree and has the opposite view from his own. I respect that, but respect that this is my opinion of him and his father and it is not going to change.

THANKS FOR READING.

[beann-e]

read part one here

Different Ways To Say Sorry

Your body sat idle in the hallway as you kept roaming your thoughts and only coming back to earlier .

After the argument with your boyfriend you were left alone , alone with akaashi who normally would have kept his mouth closed but decided not to when he seen your stuck expression after kuroos comment

As soon as you heard the loud bang of the house door and the engine start up kuroos yelling for bokuto to open the door and to slow down made your body fall instantly.

Marking the spot where you’d pushed bokuto into the wall cursing yourself for your actions . Shivering as you felt the wave of coldness wash over you thinking about the harmful words you’d said

��� y/n you didn’t mean any of it it’s ok “

akaashi’s soft voice came out as he dropped the sign he held that he helped bokuto make for you to welcome you home for your birthday.

Bokuto was childish and you knew it but he meant no harm he was just happy and excited little things excited him and when he was happy you were

So , if he was sad you would only be 2x as sad if the one who created his sadness was yourself

“ I heard you telling bokuto off and — thats not you not once since you’ve dated bokuto—san in the 4 years that you’ve been dating have I seen you get that mad “

he sighed as he hesitantly tried to squat near you

“ d-do you mind “ you nodded your head in a no allowing him to sit next to you while you cried into his shoulder

“ everyone has bad days y/n-san and everyone has had a moment in their life where they’ve said something they regret and that’s ok as long as the person you’ve said it to knows you didn’t mean it “

he squeezed you as you cried heavily “ y/n we all know bokuto is — “ he thought for a moment before speaking “ different from your average person — hes in a way easy “

he sighed as he spoke “ what I mean is you don’t have to do much to say sorry to bokuto so don’t cry really i’m sure he knows you didn’t mean any of it just — for me please when you see him again — please tell him you love him remind him you still love him “

akaashi rubbed your head “ because he’s one of those people when someone gets mad at him — especially someone he loves — if they get mad at him he immediately feels like he’s getting disciplined and like he’s done something really really wrong to be rewarded that behavior — any other award besides praise really “

you loosened your grip on akaashi’s shirt lifting your head to cry into your own hands “ so please when he comes back to you please just make it simple for him he won’t understand many words and won’t believe you if you say a simple sorry he’ll still think your upset and be scared that he’ll screw up again — I promise you he’s never gonna want to touch a stove in his life again— so I wonder what he’ll eat when he’s on the roa-“ akaashi laughed as he quickly calmed down coughing before wiping his sweaty hands on his pants

“ oh um— i’m sorry I thought a joke was a way to go that’s typically what bokuto does in these situations— or maybe you don’t want to keep talking about bokuto “ akaashi spoke out loud running through his thoughts and filtering them out loud

“ oh I should’ve kept myself out of business that’s not mine I feel so disgusted i’m telling you how to treat your boyfriend I- i’m sorry y/- “

“ akaashi I don’t want to trouble you — you may leave“

“ oh “ his voice came out in surprise before he sat confused “ oh — I no I couldn’t “

“ it’s fine akaashi I’ll be ok I just need some time alone “

he sighed he felt bad really but “ i’m sorry y/n I don’t think bokuto would ever forgive me — I don’t think i’d ever forgive myself if I let you stay in your home alone after something like that “

you stared at the ceiling as if you were actually talking to someone conveying sadness as your tears were still leaking “ keiji just please — it’s been a long day and I think I just screwed up my relationship — so could you please just leave me to my thoughts i’ll — i’ll be fine “

akaashi sighed as he moved to stand hugging you softly on the way up “ y/n i’m sorry to treat you like a child — to even put my foot down like this in a house that’s not mine and I don’t pay the bills for but — the most I can do and i’ll allow myself to do is leave the house and wait outside until bokuto comes back “

he sighed “ or at least texts me and tells me he’s gonna come back home because — if not I wouldn’t want you here alone just replaying that fight again and again like i’ve known bokuto to do when he’s lost matches you two are alike that way “

“ I-i’m fine with that just please “

he nodded his head as if you could see him your eyes were stuck to the same wall that was in front of the one bokuto was pushed into— your back up against it bit staring ahead at the corner he stood in when he left.

Hearing the door close and lock assuming akaashi had locked it for you with his key you two made for him so he could check on bokuto anytime he was home and you weren’t

Your body moving to stare directly at the door from the hallway so you’d always have an eye on it to see if bokuto ever returned home tonight.

‘ please’ you thought calmly

It wasn’t a short wait it was rather long You knew it had to be late in the morning when you finally heard the clicking and clacking around by the door until your eyes looked up eyebags weighing them down as you shook in your suit pants that you wore suddenly feeling sweaty as you ripped off the suit jacket.

The rattling and shaking at the door stopping assuming whoever it was —- was taking a moment to think before they walked in as if giving you some time to understand who it was and to prepare

The door opened slowly as your boyfriends hair came into view him standing at the doorstep eyes swollen and glazed over ,fist scratched and hands red , body shaking softly.

Your eyes watered as you just stared at his face thinking ‘ I did that ‘ mentally beating yourself up as your tears fell soft whimpers making their way out of your mouth as you covered it trying to conseal your spot on the floor so he wouldn’t notice

His eyes lifting up as he took a really deep breath and spoke “ y-y/n “ he called voice cracking as he tried again

“ y/n i went to play volleyball— at —at the gym and I got so mad I hurt myself from the constant spikes“ he stayed at the doorstop —door opened fully showing off everything he had with him.

His hand holding 3 roses , left hand holding a bag which , you weren’t sure consisted of and right next to his foot a box “ p-please answe-answer me “

you gulped you didn’t know if you could

You really didn’t know if you could tell your boyfriend that you were directly in front of him and he only had to look down .

“ I-it’s 4 in the mo-morning and I — I’ve been crying since 7 last night — so — so I can only imagine how your feeling h-how long you’ve been crying “

The flowers he held were soon dropped down by his legs as he only held on loosely to the bottom “ I-I dont want to just walk in y/n b-because I don’t know if I’m allowed to I-if I can so please — please let me know your ok “

your voice was soft he could barely hear it as you looked down at the floor

” y-your alwa—here I am being an a-ass to you earlier and you — you care to come back and ask if i’m ok first “ you felt your body shudder in a cry

“ I-i’m such an asshole — I was mad at work — I came home upset —- I brought my attitude home and my first thought was to be m-mean to someone who I love “

Bokutos body moved quickly to drop the things at the door you couldn’t even find it in you to care that he left the door wide open as he ran to you checking you out and lifting your head to inspect it before he stuttered thinking over his actions before kissing you hard on your mouth before he pulled back whispering out small apologies for the action and how he felt bad if he made you uncomfortable

you moved to stand up as he backed away going to grab everything and dragging it inside the house speaking to you as you sat down “ y/n I “

“ ko I just don’t want— “

his voice was hard for the first time today shutting you up instantly “ be quiet y/n “ his eyebrows were hard and done up in a furrow

“ I-I know your pissed at me and I know I can be a bit much and I — “ he was crying

“ I know i’m a child — people see me as a kid and i’m not I swear I can be adult I can be as adult as you want me to just so I can stay with you —I can pay taxes and figure them out if you wanted me to —if you wanted me to go get a real job and quit volleyball i’d do it all for you— because I love you and I don’t care if you want me out of the house “ his tears fell

“ I don’t care if you want me to have no closet space and want to burn my clothes but please — please don’t say you don’t love me it — it I can’t live without your love - you — you do so much for me and i’m so thankful anytime I have a meet your right there — anytime i’m frustrated your there explaining it — anytime I have to travel your on the phone talking to my management team finding tickets for you and all the other s/o “ he wiped at his eyes trying to see better

“ please forgive me i’m sorry i’m a m-man child I don’t know what that is but i’m so sorry for being it and i’m sorry it’s something you hate and I don’t wanna be what you hate y/n i’m sorry — I didn’t know what to do “

he was just saying nonsense now since his tears were clouding his brain “ I didn’t know where to go and kuroo was talking so much and I couldn’t focus and I ended up just buying all your favorite stuff because I thought you didn’t love me anymore so I wanted to beg for your forgiveness at the doorstop just now but —and then you were crying and I — I wanted to kiss you because your so pretty and I hate when you cry unless it’s over me winning and scoring the last point in my game — you look so pretty and proud then — and I like making you proud not sad “

he was clawing at his cheeks and eyes trying to get the tears to stop “ I— I just — my credit card I just bought everything I knew you liked —y/n — baby I bought a dog I don’t — I was — I bought a dog because you said dogs are pretty I bought a hat because you said the hat could go well with an outfit you had “

you smiled as your tears were falling too “ babe I bought a balloon because you said you like the way they lose air after 3 days — I even bough—“

“ baby it’s fine “ you cried as you moved to hug him squeezing tightly “ it’s ok I — this is my fault i’m so sorry “

you cried into his shirt “ your not a man child — which means —you don’t need to know actually it’ll just make things worse “

“ are you saying my shirts are too tight baby “

he cried out “ y/n that’s not funny — I’m buff —I build ok — I workout there’s nothing I can do about it “

“ no ko your perfect the way you are your my buff boyfriend and I love you for it your my brick wall baby“

“ I am “

“ yes and I love you and i’m so proud of how far you’ve come since high school i’m proud of you no matter where you travel to or what you do “

you smiled “ that’s why I missed so many days of work not because I just wanted to be home but because you were coming home for the first time in 2 months and I wanted to be home with you making sure you were comfortable and telling you how much I missed you “

he smiled as you spoke “ your an amazing boyfriend kou and I can’t imagine anyone who wouldnt be happy with you “

“ but I just spent all the money you and akaashi allow me to have on my card “

“ you can have more “ you laughed “ your not broke kou it’s just so you don’t spend all the money you make from volleyball “

he hugged you as you continued to speak “ do you forgive me “

he hugged you tighter kissing you softly as it turned into a heated kiss you trying to stop it before he turned it into more “ why’d you stop “ he said sadly

“ bokuto our door is wide open and “ your eyes came up in a raise

“ what babe what are you looking for “

your voice was high pitched as you looked at all the bags around you “ bo— baby where’s the dog “

his eyes came up in a crease “ what dog “ his brain finally clicking and hurrying to rumage through everything on the floor. Your bodies moving together in a fast pace as you moved over to look around the house.

The chaos going on inside your house all night rivaled the one that was taking place the next day in the car that sat right in your driveway

“ u-uh ok “ akaashi’s face was made up in a straight line as he looked down closing his car door softly

“ s-so um i’m gonna guess bokuto bought you “

the dog cocked its head to the side staring up at the tall male “ d-do you um wanna go back inside with him or “

the dog barked loudly as if scared “ yeah i’m gonna take that as a no “

he reached down to pick up the dog before opening the car door and setting it down in the passenger seat speaking as the dog whimpered “ yeah I don’t trust them either — they lost a whole dog in one night — “

akaashi’s face turned as he saw bokuto walking down the steps and to his car him throwing his coat over the animal “ i’m sorry — i’m sorry — you can come out in a moment “

“hey — hey akaashi “

“ b-bokuto-san hey “

“ aw did you stay out here all night i’m so sorry “ he smiled “ me and y/n are fine thank you for staying here with her “

“ yeah it was no problem really bokuto “

“ hey akaashi I — I actually lost a dog last night and I — I was wondering have you seen it “

“ uh dog ? why’d you have a dog “ bokuto froze as he bit his lip “ so you don’t have it good good “

he moved to leave patting akaashi’s car before he heard a ruffle come from inside “ hey dude somethings moving next to you “

“ oh — it’s um just my phone — I have to go in to work today “

“ wow you have a huge phone “ bokutos voice was raised in happiness “ what model is it I think I want a new one — especially if it’s big enough to fit in my hands with out my thumbs clicking weird buttons “

he pouted “ it’s not fun to retype messages “ akaashi moved to start the car up “ s-sorry bokuto really gotta go but i’ll be back sometime tomorrow “

“ o-oh ok bye akaashi “ he waved as he moved back up the stairs you meeting him at the top laughing as you pulled him back in the house

“ damn thought he would’ve saw the dog “

“ koutaro — baby he has the dog “ you smiled as you laughed pulling his pouting body into a hug “ he stole our dog “

“ well that’s not very nice “

“ let’s let him have it baby he needs it more than us — he can take care of it better “

[parismemes]

THINGS I’VE SAID ON DISCORD AS SENTENCE STARTERS: THIS PAST WEEK EDITION.

“boy oh boy oh boy. man oh man.” “is this a bit are we doing a bit right now” “i live to joke another day” “i would let him kill me. i know he wouldnt but if he did id just take it” “dont like the implications of that” “i kind of want to do it as a social experiment just to see what would happen” “like the point is that everyone is free to break the rules at any time” “great job genius you really avoided holding people at gunpoint with that one” “WHERE DID YOU COME FROM” “the order cannot change because im too used to the order and if it changes i WILL cry about it” “i would have remembered a name as fucking stupid as ___” “dont you just want to hold his hand and marry him” “im gonna be honest i didnt even realize there was more than one james bond movie until like a month ago i just thought there was one and it was really famous and thats where, like, the quote came from” “the tension between me and the group of teenage boys that watched me fail to parallel park for 5 minutes straight...” “rat in the garden wot am a gonna do” “he can have a little crisis as a treat” “if you get horrifically killed ill write a creepypasta about it” “technically you dont have to fight it but it will fight you” “sorry to interrupt its just my brand” “bribery always works” “ur not slow im just a speedrunner” “he just has a sword for self defense” “im not suggesting a teamup but maybe i am suggesting a teamup” “i cant deal with these fucking british people anymore” “YOUR NAME IS FUCKING ___? ___??? WHY IS THAT YOUR NAME?” “uh oh there’s a bitchass lookin guy.” “id die for him i know hed never let me but id do it” “you. are perfect. no one else” “i mean shes big sexy hot hot awooga lady but damn” “thats like the british version of naming someone chad stupidtown” “uh oh! spicy icy” “oh no my catboy weakness. fuck” “i cant pay for it because i dont have money” “color orange was in fact named after fruit orange” “ive been sitting here opening and closing my scissors for like five minutes” “it was very unexpected. people dont often have the audacity.” “i like his hair because you know me and my love of hairstyles that are stupid.” “still..... thats kinda like spiritually fucking idk thats pretty sus” “oh? hello everyone. i'm not the least bit concerned about what just happened to me.” “uh oh it seems ive been too busy getting other peoples taxes dealt with that i have forgotten to do my taxes!” “yeah and im gonna continue to do it but that doesnt mean i have to like it” “___ is also a murderer so he says murder is forgivable sometimes” “its hard to have any real conflict with him because hes immune to losing” “ive decided today im making a mistake” “i have no money but yes i do dont worry abt it” “i hate to say i have never ever had that issue” “tucked in? yes yes yes yes yes” “shame we cant be in the teapot together”

[thetriggeredhappy]

yo whats good @engiespyweek this is a day late but like dont worry abt it

day 2: hurt / comfort

(warnings for injury, specifically from burns. takes place around Robots Time)

-

Back before the robots, they were expected to work regular hours. Normal days. Practically a nine-to-five, plus a couple of hours most days, but never too long after sundown—and unless they had a mission off-base, they’d get weekends off. It was the most organized war any of them had ever been a part of, to be honest. And it was taxing, sure, the pain and bloodshed, but at least according to Scout it still beat working in food service.

And it wasn’t even all that scary half the time—before the robots, the team was invincible in most senses of the word. It would take some extremely particular situations to kill them, situations they were rarely anywhere near. A doctor on staff, bars in town and a full liquor cabinet on base, a pay grade that few of them even dreamed of, it was a good place to be in their lives. They considered themselves lucky, most days.

But that was before the robots.

The sun was setting over wherever the hell they were. They were going on their second day here, which was usually about how long they spent in one place before they had to move again, following some fickle change of the wind to intercept the next few waves of automatons.

They were exhausted. They didn’t have breaks, truth be told, and only sometimes got to sleep—mostly on the drive to their next destination, sometimes woken up during the night by the distant metallic clanging that functioned as the trumpets of war. Modern era, and all.

Medic was truly running on his last legs. He half operated his infirmary out of the back of one of the trucks they used to transport their equipment, not seeing reason to bother unpacking most days. Soldier was in a tizzy himself, constantly checking and rechecking their supplies, inventory being the only job left out of the multitude he’d had on base before and therefore being one he did near-constantly, and his consensus seemed to be that they were running low on... well, everything. Raiding abandoned warehouses for ammunition and guns just wasn’t cutting it anymore. They’d started to send some of the mercs out hunting for scrap metal when they had the time, and the Engineer was left to work practically around the clock trying to feed it to dispensers and restock to have at least enough to be prepared for battle, and Heavy tended to take over when he absolutely needed to sleep.

But then there were the mercenaries who didn’t have much to do but sit and stew. Sniper mostly took to perching alone somewhere he could watch for the distant dust clouds kicked up by the tanks. Scout ran laps around the perimeter of wherever they were posted up, and on a couple of occasions the two of them were the only warning the team got before the robots showed up. Pyro fretted, for the most part, would sweep by the busy members of the team with something to eat and a supportive pat on the arm. But even then, it was obvious the rest were going stir-crazy. Wanted to help, to take some of the weight back, to help share the load if they could.

This was about the only way Spy could help.

Engineer was having trouble keeping his eyes open, but the fatigue fought against his need to eat the tin full of... something. Meat, some kind of sauce. Spy had cooked it, since they apparently had a stove squirreled away somewhere in this particular warehouse, rations, and the team needed something ‘real’ to eat by his measure. The Engineer managed to keep awake, keep shoveling food into his mouth. Distantly, he understood that it tasted very good, and it overcame the nausea he’d been increasingly plagued with ever since all of this started.

The food was one comfort. The warm weight of Spy leaned against his back was another, the man leaned against him as he ate. Outside there was a particularly vibrant sunset happening, that was a third one, the way the light poured through the window briefly driving away a sort of bone-deep paranoia about darkness. About fear. Apparently that was one reason his father always tried to work with the big garage door of the shop open—being in the sun from time to time was important for all types of health. Or, as Spy put it, he needed to get out of his terrible little machinery lair from time to time or else one day the team would find he’d begun transforming into some sort of mole man.

It made him laugh. He missed laughing, he realized.

Once he had some food in his system, some calm, some time to sit in a position other than bent over a drafting table—and, hell, maybe the sun helped too—he started feeling remarkably more like a human being, started relaxing in increments. Started noticing little things. Dust mites lingering in the last light up above their heads. Distant talking, the distinctive laugh of Demo, Soldier barking something in reply. The sound of Spy taking a pull from his cigarette, quiet enough that he’d only really hear it this close. Quiet motion, like fiddling almost, which struck him as odd. Spy wasn’t much for fiddling and fidgeting. Broad, sweeping, dramatic gestures, those he did every time he got a good excuse—but not fidgeting. It was enough to draw his head up from where it was hanging, casting eyes back over his shoulder.

Spy wasn’t looking at him, apparently focused. “What’re you up to, there?” he asked, suddenly made aware of how rough his throat was. Probably from the near-constant full-volume shouting followed by stretches of silence he got up to these days.

“Simple first aid,” Spy said entirely too casually. So casually, in fact, that it took the Engineer a few seconds to realize what he’d even said.

“What?” he asked, turning more fully to look at Spy, at which point he blanched.

Spy had shed his jacket and rolled his sleeves up neatly a short way past his elbows and taken off his gloves and watch, and appeared to be almost done cleaning up and bandaging his left arm, having not started yet on the right one. All up and down his visible skin, and in particular across his palms and wrist, there were a series of mild to severe burns, speckles of dark red and black patching up his forearms, and the Engineer could immediately identify them as being electrical burns, not heat ones.

“How the hell did that happen?” he asked, deeply startled.

A huff of a laugh from Spy. “Mon ami, I go onto the battlefield and am expected to attack mechanical men with a metal blade,” he said, a note of amusement in his voice. “Electrocution is par for the course, I’m afraid.”

“You really oughta... find some way around that,” the Engineer said carefully. “Rubber hilt, or...”

“Most often I can only even tell I’ve caused enough damage to take down any given robot when the shock happens,” Spy shrugged. “It is not terribly painful, especially compared to gunfire. They simply begin to stack up after a while.”

A careful nod from the Engineer, even if it didn’t quite sit right with him. “Want me to help treat those?” he asked, nodding at where Spy was clearly having a bit of difficulty with bandaging his wrist one-handed.

“Our medical supplies are being too regularly depleted even besides superfluous healing of minor injuries, and as much as I would appreciate a moment sat beside one of your dispensers, I’m afraid it would not be very much in the spirit of teamwork to accept your offer, Laborer. If the remainder of our dreary little group is not allowed to accost the dispenser unnecessarily, neither am I, oui?” Spy asked, tone light.

That was one thing he’d started to learn about Spy, especially as of late. Lying and stealing were things he was well acquainted with, but never for something he considered important. To get on other people’s nerves, to get information maybe, but not something important on a whim. Getting on everyone’s nerves was a different beast than intentionally sabotaging them.

“Well,” the Engineer said, still not quite feeling right about it all. “If not that, I can at least lend a hand with wrapping those up. I know a thing or two about getting shocked. Ain’t a fun predicament to be in.”

Only a moment’s hesitation before Spy shrugged, turning to face him, and the Engineer picked up the salve and bandaging and set to work.

This was more his element. Practical problems. Practical solutions. None of the overarching dread, the waiting for the next disaster, the not quite knowing what to do with himself in the miliseconds before the next chore, the next job, the next drive. Just wrapping a wound. Just fixing a problem.

Distantly, there was the sound of something clattering, Demo cheering. The sun was now out of view, and he heard the sound of lights buzzing to life across the area. The light was getting low, and cold was starting to settle into place, more than welcome after yet another sweltering desert day. The smell of hot metal and sweat faded with each breeze that passed through, leaving only the smell of chilly night air, fresh and welcome. By the time it got dim enough to start making him squint to see properly, and he started to wonder whether he should just push through or get a light from somewhere, he realized he was done.

But instead of a twitchiness, an itch to find something else, the urge to keep moving and to find the next thing he needed to work on, he just felt satisfied. Clean bandages, neat wrappings. A vast improvement over before. And when he looked up to see how Spy felt about it all, the man was smiling, just a little, just enough to see even in how dim the room was.

“...What’s the smirk about?” he asked, feeling a bit embarrassed, as if he was missing something.

“Nothing,” Spy said easily, “I suppose I’m just glad you seem to be feeling better.”

A pause, during which the Engineer realized Spy was right. The tension was gone, the ache in his head was fading into a simple weight, and the nausea had settled into nothingness, leaving him relaxed, steady. He blinked.

“Apologies if I’ve overstepped my boundaries,” Spy said after a few moments of that stunned silence, searching his face. “It’s just that for the last several weeks you’ve been stomping around with the third most sour expression I’ve ever seen on you, and it seemed as though nobody else was going to bother stepping in any time soon. I thought that perhaps food and fresh air and polite company may remedy things somewhat, and you seemed determined to only interact with us when you deem it productive.”

“You burned yourself just to get me to sit in one place for a while?” he asked, taken aback.

“Oh, no, non, these burns are truly fairly standard by now,” Spy waved off easily, carefully pulling back on his gloves and watch over the bandages, “I simply prefer to tend to them on my own, the majority of the time. Non, simply a convenient excuse to need your help.”

A pause. “Of all the ridiculous things,” he marveled, blinking at Spy.

In the darkness, he could only barely make out the way Spy’s mouth ticked up into a smirk, watching as he rolled his sleeves back down neatly and reached for his suit jacket. “Well, believe it or not, Laborer, I have been known to stoop to such lows as doing what you call ‘ridiculous things’,” he said, doing his jacket up in an easy motion in the same moment that he rose to his feet, “when I find them to be the only way I can possibly break through to ridiculous men.”

He only had time to sputter over the comment for a second before a gloved hand found his chin, tilting his head up just enough for Spy to lay a kiss soundly to either cheek, and only had time to sputter over that for a second before Spy was snickering and cloaking, a puff of smoke in his wake as he disappeared into the increasing night.

His face felt hot, and he felt that restless energy again, but for an entirely different reason than before, because he wasn’t positive, but he was fairly sure cheek kissing was the sort of thing you greeted someone with when you only meant it in a friendly sort of way, and his brain was far too scrambled to remember it properly just then.

Well. Now he had something to think about besides the robots, at least. Damn shame it couldn’t be a nice, neat, practical problem, but despite his best efforts, he really couldn’t find it in him to mind.

Oh, damn it all.

[ohkate]

Is this just an American thing?

I know this says nothing good about me but... I've gotten to an age where I do not care if i do a good job at work. I used to want to be good and be the person everyone relies on and turns to for help and answers. There's a good feeling with that.

But something happened a few years ago. I just don't fucking care anymore. Maybe I got burnt out. A friend of mine thinks it's just an american thing because we're all brainwashed to make work this major thing in your life. But I make it my goal in life now to do as little as possible at work. I do the bare minimum to not be fired. I play dumb and could care less if people think I'm stupid. Congrats on that promotion of 1 dollar where you now have to work weekends and take home a whole 5 dollars more a week after taxes. I'll play stupid and not have to have more responsibility, thank you.

I don't care about customers. I appreciate having a job, but it's like appreciating being miserable. Thanks for the paycheck that allows me to be only slightly less miserable than if i couldn't pay my rent. I used to think if i had my own business and made more money that I'd feel differently but i really dont think so.

I don't even like arguing anymore. Keanu Reeves quoted once that after he hit 40, his desire to argue a point or get into arguments at all disappeared. You say 2+2 is 7...fine sure. Awesome. Absolutely.

I think this is why there's such apathy when we really should stand up and fight for things. I'll see some Karen say something completely untrue about vaccines or some political douchbag say something untrue and the old me would want to point it out, call them out...not anymore. We're all too fucking tired.

[weebsinstash]

Lol sorry for the unsolicited advice but have you thought about learning to program? You'd probably only have to do a year or two of study and then you'd be well set up to get a job that pays more and has better working conditions. Just a thought :)

Yeah, I've thought about learning coding or something since those jobs are always hiring! I dont know if I would be competent at it though since I dunno, im shitty at math and sometimes my memory can be kind of poor

Though I'm going to be honest and say that for many years I have only planned on living for a temporary amount of time and I've been thinking that way since like uhhhhhhh early elementary school and. I still feel that way all these years later. so. sometimes it's like 'why are you worrying about a career? You're gonna die, bitch!"

It's kind of a comfort, really. It's hard to explain. It's easier for me to think "when things get hard i can just kill myself and be done with it forever" rather than worry about what I'm gonna do in the future, do for food, do for work. Everything is broken anyways. I was on disability and they took it away during Covid because "oh you have a job and you're working now so we feel like you've improved!" even though I would wake up sobbing about not wanting to go to work and contemplating suicide every other week and I only went because I literally had to. You have to fight to prove how sick you are so they'll reluctantly help you and the second they decide you don't deserve that help anymore, they're happy to take it away

I dunno. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'm all gloom and doom because I'm an addict and I'm out of weed and I've been drinking. I constantly sway back and forth between "well I'm going to die anyways" to "well I guess I'll just keep on keeping on" but it's been a very very long time since I have actually wanted to be alive so. It's kind of hard to know what to do with that. My therapist doesn't really know anymore, and I don't think my new medicine is making a difference and I kind of just stopped taking it anyways

I dunno, I'm sorry to turn this into something majorly depressing. That's just how it is. We're born to work and pay bills and pay taxes and then we die. We fight like hell to try and elect people we think may make our country and our lives better and someone is always taking bribes and handouts and it's all about money. Why save the planet when Big Motor needs us to keep buying cars and oil and our entire society is built on constantly throwing away plastic and we spent a trillion dollars terrorizing the middle east and it turns out the afghan military was literally just sitting back and doing heroin while American soldiers killed thousands of civilians and the whole war was really just an excuse to feed money to the military industrial complex by buying their surplus of weapons which are now in the hands of the actual fucking taliban and even an American Supreme Court recently ruled that hey Nestlé you aren't even liable for using slave labor for your chocolate because the slavery isn't in the US and that's ok!

And it may seem like I'm just rattling off a bunch of random bullshit and I kind of am but. It's all broken. Our planet is dying. Our society is collapsing. Homelessness and poverty is increasing. Coronavirus was basically used as eugenics to kill off loads of poor and disadvantaged people and while the capitalists scoop up the ruins of the empty real estate that used to be a mom and pop store to turn them into Walmarts and Home Depots we just get told "if you're struggling, it's something YOURE doing wrong!"

I just don't want to be here anymore quite frankly. I'm just gonna sink back into my escapism and try and forget where I have my vicodin and muscle relaxants hidden

[deansawthetvglow]

eternal skyline of a spotless mind- or the one where the first 5 or so minutes of 15x20 are the only minutes i accept. 

in which i ramble a whole ficlet on accident and y’all i need the full fic. yes there’s a tinnnny bit of smut. also spn 15x20 spoilers slightly 

now i want the fic where dean applies to be a mechanic, gets the job, does real good. he and miracle live in the bunker, sam and eileen moved out a year ago now to follow a job opportunity for eileen. it’s a big place to be alone in. he keeps watching over and over all of the movies he has in a file entitled ‘cas’ favourites’ he sips whiskey, a responsible amount, and pets miracles head while his head is on his lap. sometimes he dives into the lore, he’s glad sam isnt here to give him shit about finally doing his research, but he’s trying to find a way to cas. to save him. and one day he tries to mix up a spell thatll open a portal into the dark nothing and his ingredients sputter and spark and he thinks it’s gonna work this is it, and it just doesnt. the smoke clears, the sparks stop popping, and there’s nothing. and so that night he goes into the dungeon draped in one of cas’ old trenchcoats and he sits in that spot he had to sit years ago and he cries, and miracle sits beside him and he cries because he’s trying he’s trying to live for love he’s trying to do right by cas and he just....he cant...cas died thinking dean didnt...didnt love him. and god, does dean love him. so he cries and he whispers iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou and he falls asleep on the concrete, uses miracle as a pillow but dean doesnt think he minds. and he wakes up in the morning, eyes puffy, and he drags himself to work, and he’s back to square one. and this continues for a while, dean doesnt really remember when he tried the spell, but it’s been a while. a month, maybe more. and he goes into work, and there’s a new car for him to work on. it’s old, a classic, but dean kinda thinks she’s more junk than classic, sue him, and he starts working on it, and he opens the trunk to pop a particularly stubborn dent out of it, the client’s not paying for that but he just can’t let the car be driven around all beat up, and there, right in the trunk, is a trenchcoat. bundled up, and tan and big and dean grabs it, he shouldnt but he does and his heart is beating so fast as he brings it to his nose and smells it and it’s cas it has to be and so he rushes to the front office, demands to know who the client is, when are they coming by and as he’s going completely wild wanting to know everything it suddenly goes calm. because there, in a worn flannel and blue jeans, is cas. castiel. and dean just looks for a moment, to convince himself its real, and then hes rushing to a wide eyed cas and saying ‘you stupid son of a bitch’ and crashing his lips into those ones which he has wanted for and then cas isnt really kissing back so dean stops because he...he cant take anything more from cas, he needs to give and he...he stops himself because what if...what if this wasn’t what cas wanted, so he pulls back, lets his hands linger on the soft of the flannel, and then cas is speaking, head quirked, ‘do i...do i know you?’ and fuck. his heart drops right out of his ass. his knees buckles and hes on his way down when castiel catches him, pulls him up, hand on his shoulder, and he holds on to him. and dean lets out a ‘you don’t remember?’ and castiel says, ‘no. i...i dont i’m so sorry.’ and dean thinks all hope is lost until cas asks, ‘i know this is too much to ask but it...appears i know you, and i kind of just, woke up one day in a field and i...i dont really have anywhere to go..and um’ and hes rambling but he’s determined to get his little angel back, all the way back, so he says, ‘you wanna come home with me, angel?’ and cas grins and dean wants to see that grin everyday of his life. so he finishes cas’ car, lets him trail behind as they drive to the bunker. he doesn’t explain it really, just opens the door and says ‘well, heres the place’ and cas walks in and looks at everything with such wonder. and he brushes his fingers across the gold embossing of an angel on one of the books there and dean just watches, listens to cas breathing, aches to touch.

he sets cas up in his old room, cas quirks a head when he sees all the suits and ties in the closet, says something like ‘now i understand why i woke up looking like a tax accountant’ and hes being good old cas, sticking so close to dean and he’s sitting beside him to watch a movie and miracle is sprawled across their legs and cas says, ‘i could get used to this’ and dean says, ‘yeah cas, me too.’ so they sit and they watch and they repeat that day in day out and the bunker isnt so lonely anymore, and he and cas do everything together, and dean researches spells to get cas’ memory back. he thinks it has to do with the fact that his grace got ripped out in the process, theres a small nick on his adams apple that he recognizes as the place it must have left, but he coughs himself out of thinking about that neck and those lips and that hair and those thighs and- he hasnt kissed cas since the first day, he longs to. he sees the way this cas looks at him and he wonders. he wonders if maybe...maybe this castiel can learn to love him again. and it’s going on a year now. cas works down at the local flower shop and has an apiary on the hill above the bunker, deans still in his same routine of life, and they’re not...they’re in the same place they were before cas confessed. just, in this middle ground, this unspoken something, so as he lies beneath a car he decides, the happiness isnt in the having its in just being in just saying it, so he goes home that night, picks up flowers from a competing shop bc he doesnt wanna spoil the surprise, and sets up the table. cas’ name is still carved there, cas had laughed when he first saw it because “what kind of long name is that,” and dean was bursting with fond. and anyways he lays down a table cloth and lights a candle and waits. shaking in his skin just waiting for cas to get home, and then cas is walking in saying ‘hello, dean’ and running down the stairs, groceries in paper bags overflowing in his arms, and his hair is disheveled and dean helps grab a bag and puts it in the kitchen and waits for cas to follow and see...the set up. and cas asks, what’s this about? and dean looks at cas and takes a deep breath and says, ‘someone once told me there’s happiness in just....fuck...in just saying it so here goes. and its okay if you..if you dont but...’ and cas is getting closer, his head quirked and deans heart is beating out of his chest and he says ‘i love you.’ and then cas is rumbling, ‘dean, look at me’ and so he does, looks up into wide blue eyes and cas is smiling. smiling so big and beautiful and dean wants to hear it he needs to hear it he needs- ‘i love you too, dean winchester’ and then theyre kissing again, kissing and holding and deans a little embarrassed but hes crying and then theyre skipping dinner entirely and cas has his hand on deans bare shoulder and hes shivering into the touch its so overwhelming and he fucks himself down onto cas’ cock and cas digs his fingernails into deans thighs and looks up at him blue and beautiful and overwhelming and deans pretty sure he blacks out when he comes except, he doesnt, because his eyes are open and the lights in the room are all busted and cas is lying there under him looking up, dean thinks so at least, he can’t really see him and so he laughs and he laughs and he’s not really registering what happened, a beautifully timed power outage like something divine saying this is how you met and he’s here still and you finally have him and so he climbs off of cas and grabs something to wash them up and a candle or two from the table and when he comes back, and wipes the damp cloth gingerly across cas’ body he notices cas tense and he sees in the candlelight cas is looking very serious and he stops being sweet just asks ‘cas? whats wrong’ and cas says, ‘dean? dean. dean winchester... dean...righteous soul the one i fell for and will always fall for the one i love the one i have always...’ and dean dives back on top of cas and kisses him senseless because now cas remembers everything before and he remembers everything after and everything now and its perfect

and honestly they still arent really sure what happened except that maybe the spell needed angel mojo so it snagged it from cas or maybe the empty curled itself around cas mind and all it needed was the Loud of too many emotions to overflood it but all that matters is that they are here together.

and then one day, at the dinner table, cas looks at dean and he says ‘dean, will you....’ and he shuffles inside his pocket and presses a box into deans hand and its- ‘will you marry me?’ and dean is practically leaping over the table to kiss cas and saying “yes yes yes of course of course i wanna grow old with you i wanna be with you always in life and death in everything always together”

and cas is crying because he could have what he wanted, he has the one thing he wants most and dean wants him most too.

and then dean is pulling back and cas is looking pensive and he says, ‘there is one thing, dean.’ and dean looks worried so he places his hand on his knee and he says, ‘i want to be human, all the way human.’ and dean looks like he wants to protest or cry and hes not sure which it is but then dean is crying and saying ‘ill help’ and then the next day theyre out with the bees, because cas thinks his grace will do them good, and dean holds cas’ hand in his tightly and follows that little nick on his throat and opens it ever so slightly with the angel blade and tries not to think about how hes hurting the person he loves and he loves and he loves and then the grace is flowing away and dean captures it in a bottle, hands it to cas, who later pats it down in the ground so they can grow a new tree, and dean gives cas two little stitches on his throat and kisses all around them and washes cas hair for him in the shower and then

when the day comes, they go together, they get to live with one another and watch the sunsets on their front porch with miracle and jack and sam and eileen all looking out over an eternal skyline.

[chrospw-doodles]

When the Ink doesn’t flow

So... for starters this is a rant I wrote somewhere between september and november of 2020, it was intended to be posted in my main blog @chrispriceway back then, but I decided to put this here to avoid being too too personal there, I mean it is supposed to be a happy place to goof around and show you cool stuff, that’s why I made this side blog, to be more personal and less awkard so, yeh.

Chris-Jan.2021

What's up everybody, I know I haven't posted anything in a while and I wanted to adress my abcense and some other stuff that I wanted to talk about but never knew how to bring it up.

So, to those who follow me and dont really know who am I as a content creator:

hi, the name is Christian, you can call me Chris, I'm somewhat of an artist and like to post my stuff here.

Now, even if you have been following me for a while you may have noticed that I really don't post very often and that I haven't been around for a while even if I claim that I'm trying to be more active, well I think it's about time to talk about the issue and make some big changes around here.

But first of all, why does it even matter?

Well, to be honest the past three to four years I haven't really seen my online connection as serious business since I am primarly a student, and school does suck all of my time, the problem with that is that I really feel like I havent been respectful to you, the audience, not that I owe you anything but since I am now trying to make a living from my art, it is necessary to take this connection between the audience seriously and with a bit more respect.

In those three years all I've ever did was too much talk and too little deliver, so I apologize to those people who were really invested into the stuff I do, I really appreciate you guys.

So with that aside...

I wanted to talk about mental health.

well MY mental health

I know what you may be thinking, "what the heck Chris? What does this have to do with you being a lazy ass biss?"

Well, it's kinda simple as it is complicated so I will be putting here some bullets to make it easier to you to navigate through and to let you know how long it is going to be to those who really really just want to skip this post already

Introduction

Danplan Drama

College is a biss

When job becomes priority over school

How did all of this affect my mental state

And how I feel about it

Final thoughts

I'm not okay

Well, was, not anymore (mostly), or at least not as serious as I was some monts ago. Listen, shit went down, it's 2020 and that was inevitable, but I really want to go trough some points to give you context.

This year has been specially rough to me because of some circumstances that a few may know, but for context I'll be telling you about it.

The danplan shit did a lotta damage my bros

Ah, yes, long story short, I was an animator in that channel before the figgin drama

But it wasnt really that bad, you see, I really think that it was inevitable that it was going to end like that because of how are those two, but at the time I had to shut a lot of stuff because I didn't wanted to make it worse as the other animators did... but in retrospective, If we had talked about how we felt about the issue in that moment maybe it could have been better, or maybe not, I don't know and maybe I'll post a rant about it some other time (or maybe I wont), the point. is.

It was emotionally taxing, and to be honest it screwed me very bad. You see, I know I am not that good of an artist in comparisson to the others, nor have the best management of my social media, or another project to keep me on the public eye for a while, and since I went back to school I couldnt possible be hired by another channel because of my lack of time; so loosing my job at danplan was a HUGE deal to me because I knew that none of the jobs available in my country could pay off as good nor be as flexible as being an animator was, so that whole ordeal was really, really frustrating.

Then school became a living hell

Since I escentially lost that job I did try desperately to find anything as good to fill the void (it sounds dramatic but believe me, it felt really bad fam.) So the opportunity presented itself and I took a bone in stephen's channel.

In all honesty it was a good job and it was quite fun, but I didn't really stayed as a full time animator, I believe it was due lack of time or maybe my style wasn't really what they were going for, and tbh fair game... but it was still bad news for me because I was that desperate to find a new job, and I was so inmersed on doing that so I wasn't taking good care of my grades.

So now I had two problems, no job, and I was doing terrible on school because of my obsession with the job hunting.

And at the time I was still part of the community...

I was very active in the dp community and in Pau's server, I found great people and did some art because I really felt happy about it...

But honestly, that didn't last long.

School started to be a real problem and I did fail two of my school subjects, at the end of the semester I was burned out, and sleep deprived, so there was that.

One of my finals was a video talking about the drama and stuff and I've never finished it because I ran out of time and eventually I didn't felt it right abaut it, because it was like opening a grave again, like it was something too disrespectful even if it was originally intended for the sake of the animators, to give them, us, some justice at the end of the day... but I couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to everyone else because they moved on.

And that was the beginning of this crappy thing I've been carrying around.

I just. Can't. Finish. Anything.

I just overthink everything and fail before I begin any of the pieces, or Im about to finish but change my mind because Its. Not. Good. Enough.

I have a TON of pieces that never saw the light of the day BECAUSE I'm not in the right state of mind, and it is painful, because I love doing art as much as I love engaging with you guys, even if you are a few to maybe 10 people, I enjoy it. And It sucks to not be able to do stuff because I feel crappy.

And I know for fact that feeling crappy it's a crappy excuse to not do anything

But I don't mean that to anyone else but myself, because I feel like I could be better and do better, but... it isn't working, the global situation did some damage too, and I've been manageing, still, I haven't been able to finish a lot of stuff and honestly, I just want to come back before I become a ghost account.

So what's up? What's poppin'?

The plan is to try to force myself to finish at least one piece per week to keep this alive until I find the will to work normally again.

Maybe it's not the best solution, but I think this will motivate me a little since I really want to materialize some projects that I have had on the back of my head for a long time now, and I really want to start em' and share it with you along the way... so yeah, that's basically it.

Well, that was a long one, and if you happened read this far, thank you, I really appreciate it.

I hope I will be seeing you soon...

Stay creative, my dudes.

[gee-whiz-batman]

I've come to the realization that I have nothing to offer. No I don't mean I cant offer the simple things like love and care for the people close to me or that I cant provide some semblance of financial assistance to my household. I pay my taxes and i contribute to society. What i mean is, i have nothing, absolutely nothing, beyond the very minimum that we all have. I should be satisfied with that but I cant be. I dont think i was ever able to be satisfied with that. My life feels empty and broken. I am not special or unique. I have never possessed the ability to be great. There is simply nothing i can offer of real value. The void that fills my chest is consuming me and i cant run from it any longer. I sought help, I tried to tell myself that what I have is enough but it isnt. I can barely afford to feed myself, I have no friends, my hobbies are all but nonexistent and nothing interests me. I dont think I am meant for this world and I dont know what to do anymore. My body is falling apart with my mind now and I'm left with even less than I had before. I'm sure none of this is making much sense and sounds like rambling. I dont even really know why I'm posting this except for to get it out of me finally. It feels as though my end is nearing and where I once feared such a concept I now welcome it with open arms. Whether by my own hand or that of fate I dont believe I have much time left. I hope that if my mother, wife, or our girlfriend should ever see this that they know I loved them very much and I am so sorry I couldn't stay longer. I just cant do it anymore. The weight has become too heavy and I am crushing beneath it. The medication wasnt enough to stop the inevitable. Please forgive me and please be ok. I can only hope that when I am gone that I will know the peace I have so long pursued. For anyone else seeing this I ask that you not act. I've not done anything nor shall I for some time if at all. Right now I need to release the pressure under my ribcage and beneath the surface of my skull. Maybe things will change. I doubt it but I know better than to set my expectations in stone. Lastly, I would like to plead to the heavens. I've never been much of a believer but should there be a power higher than this plane I ask for release in whatever form it may take. Please silence the screams that plague me in my quietest hours. Free my soul from the horrors that it knows or remove it from existence entirely. I cant go on like this, not anymore. I am too shattered to continue.

[piplupod]

just kinda realized that ah shit everything is real and i have no clue what im doing. like. i genuinely didnt think I'd be alive this month so idk what im even doing anymore sbdhfhdjl this is so wacky,,,, and the govmt expects me to pay taxes and bills??? in THIS economy? haha jokes,,,, :') but yall tbh im like,, having weird "oh fuck this is real life" realisations A LOT these past couple of days (maybe bc serotonin is coming back???) and it's messing me up a lot bc i dont know what im doing and i KNOW nobody rly knows wtf theyre doing but i feel like i somehow EXTRA dont know svdhsjl IM TIRED and i didnt think I'd make it this far and i have to like ... be alive for an entire future??? i have to have a future now??? wtf!!!! i just got done living my first 19 years of life and now you want me to do like 60 more???? IM LOSING IT!!

okay all jokes aside actually idk how to be like... an alive person :) i genuinely dont think im cut out for this and uh. idk if the good times are ever going to outweigh the bad at this point bc the good feels so cheap when there's so much heavy bad!!! but maybe things will feel better once i get away from my abuser lmfao even if she did wreck my brain wahoo

okay im done thank u