#maybe im delusional but the ‘you’re not ready for that’ really stuck out to me

[shewhosleepsalotincemeteries]

Huh

[mountttmase]

Helloooo lovelyy🫢

OMG, I SUGGESTED YOU ABOUT HIM STAYING AT HERS FOR THE FIRST TIME, LOZ IM NOT PREPARED

How ever lately you were beginning to wonder what it might be like to have him in your space just like you were in his. CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT IT WITH YOU GIRL

How nice it would be to see his toothbrush next to yours, his shower gel propped up on the side and his favourite mug in your cabinet so you could make him his coffee just as he liked it in the morning. DYING 🫠🫠🫠🫠

You’d just sat down when you felt your phone start to ring, looking down to see a picture of Mason lighting up your screen and you felt your chest flutter at the sight of his goofy smile. MUM AND DAD ARE DOING A VIDEOCALL

‘Hello love. I’m just leaving training and I thought I’d check in. You alright?’ I THINK I'M MELTED

‘Nah I was just about to head to the shop and get some snacks. I fancy some cookies but someone won’t make me them’ he teased and you couldn’t help but smile. AHAHHAH, SILLY, SHE'S GOING TO INVITE YOU AR HERS AND MAKE YOU COOKIES TRUST ME

‘Well I still need to pop to the shop anyway so I can get those and bring them round if you want?’ he told you and you felt a little excitement roll through you at the thought of seeing him today as you didn’t have plans to see him until the weekend. EHEHHEHE, EXACTLY, GOOD SUGGESTION BOY

‘Hey Mase? When you get here do you um… do you maybe wanna hang out for a bit? Maybe we can make them together? Only if you have time’ I LOVE HOW SHE'S STILL SOOO SHY WITH HIM

AND I LOVE EVEN MORE HOW HE DOUBLE-CHECKS IF SHE'S SURE TO OPEN UP WITH HIM

‘I could grab us something while I’m there, how does pizza sound?’ I WANT PIZZA TOO, THANKS

‘Hey gorgeous’ he smiled, giving you a quick peck as he passed by. ‘You good?’ DEAD☺️☺️☺️

‘You started without me?’ He questioned, head nudging over to some of the ingredients you’d already weighed out before he sent you a wink. ‘Shall we get going? What have I got to do?’ OUR PASTRY CHEF IS HERE

‘Well I was hoping I could get a proper kiss first’ you teased, suddenly becoming a little shy as you played with your fingers and he rolled his eyes at you with a smile before pulling you closer by your hips. OOO, I LOVE HER🤣🫢

‘Okay let me get ready’ he laughed, quickly whipping his hoodie off and you subconsciously bit your lip at the sight of his abs that we’re on show for a few seconds as his top got stuck to his hoodie. ‘Oi, eyes up here’ he laughed, tilting your chin up so you could look at him before he quickly kissed your nose. ‘You got an apron for me or anything?’ AHHAHAHHA, THEY WANT TO GO TO THE BEDROOM SOO BAD

‘Should I take this off too then?’ He teased, gripping the neck of his plain white T-shirt and you shook your head whilst pulling it back down. NAUGHTY, DON'T MAKE MY GIRL BLUSH

‘Now I’m no expert, but I thought these have to go in the oven?’ He asked, raising his eyebrow adorably and you couldn’t help but laugh at his confusion. CHEF, DON'T BE DELUSIONAL, THEY'RE BETTER IF YOU LET THEM IN THE FRIDGE A BITT

‘Eventually yes. But I like to let them set up in the fridge for a bit first. Gives us time to eat the pizza too’ you told him, pinching his bum as you walked passed him and sending him a cheeky wink as he looked at you in shock. Y/N DON'T BE TOO NAUGHTY 🤣🤣

‘Stop that, you’re getting flour everywhere. Go find us something to watch, I’ll bring the pizza in’ AHHAHAHAH, SOMEONE WAS DISCUSSING ABOUT LEAVING HANDPRINTS IN CLOTHES WHILE COOKING 🤣🤣🤣

GOD, HAVE I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE THE NOSE KISSES THINGH?

‘Can I tell you something that might sound a bit weird?’ He asked after a little while and you couldn’t help but notice how vulnerable he looked. ‘I know I haven’t spent a lot of time here, like this is basically my first time here really, but I feel strangely at home? Like sometimes my house feels a bit big for just me? But here it’s cozy and it’s like I can forget who I am and just be normal for a bit. Like I haven’t thought about football once since I’ve been here. I like being with you and feeling like I’m part of your world. Does that make sense?’ OK, LOZ YOU MADE ME TEAR UP A BIT THERE

‘I feel the same’ you whispered. ‘Frey is the only person that’s ever really been here and I was a bit nervous about having you round after I’d asked but now you’re here I don’t want you to go’ OH MY...THEY ARE GROWING UP SO MUCH

‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ SHE IS GOING TO ASK AND IM GOING TO SCREAM

‘Will you stay then? I’ve not got work tomorrow and I promise I’ll make you breakfast’ you winked and you watched him blush at your proposal. SHE DIDDDDDD AAAAAA

‘Would it be weird if I told you I got you some stuff in my food shop the other week?’ You laughed, covering your face out of embarrassment but he just held you tighter. OHHHH THAT'S SOO SWEET, SHE WAS GETTING READY FOR THAT MOMENT

‘I know but that first night I stayed at yours, you had everything I needed and I’m so used to being on my own I thought I better get some just in case you ever did want to stay’ MUM AND DAD FOREVER

‘Well thank you’ he whispered, bringing you in for a soft kiss that made your heart flutter. ‘I hate to ruin the mood but can we make the cookies now’ HE'S A CHILD🤣🤣🤣

‘You’re being very cheeky’ he laughed, his hands finding your hips as he placed a soft kiss to the back of your neck before crossing his arms over your body so he could pull you into him. THAT WAS IN ONE OF THE TEASERS 🫢🫢🫢

‘Of course not’ PFF I HAD NO DOUBTS

‘How long do they take?’ MAS9N DON'T BE LIKE A IMPATIENT BABY🤣

‘About 12 minutes?’ You told him, walking over so you could wrap your arms around his shoulders. ‘You know, there’s a lot we could do in 12 minutes’ AHHAHAH, SHE'S GOING TO SAY SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HE'S THINKING

‘The washing up’ HAHAHAH, I KNEW IT

‘Mase’ you breathed, tugging on his hair so he would look at you and you watched the way eyes darkened at the feel of it. ‘Kiss me’ GO ON BABY

‘You are the cutest thing’ he laughed, cupping your jaw and kissing you gently. ‘Come shower with me’ SWEET AND NAUGHTY BOY

You gasped at the contact, you hands finding his hair immediately as he licked away at you but it was only short lived. As soon as he knew you were getting into it he removed himself from you and stood up. Turning the shower off with a wink before making his way out. HE DID NOT LEAVE MY GIRL LIKE THAT🤣🙄

‘Now Mason, that wasn’t very kind of you was it?’ You asked as he shook his head at you. A bright smile on his face that he tried to suppress by biting his lip but the blush that covered his cheeks and nose was giving him away. ‘You forget, we’re in my house right now so it’s my rules’ you told him seductively and he couldn’t help but let out a shaky breath as you dropped your towel to the floor so he could look over your naked body. ‘Lay down for me’ LOZ, THAT WAS THE SUPER CHECKY CHAPTER OMG

‘Good. And if you don’t make me cum then you don’t get to cum after’ WOWWW

Something about being in your house with him though made your inner monster come out but from the way he was reacting he seemed to be in his element. You wondered to yourself why you didn’t try it sooner as he was a sucker for praise in general so this seemed like a natural carry on from that and you figured this might have to be a new thing with him to try with him more often. I'M LOVING THAT SIDE OF HER

In the next second his hands were on your hips, dragging you back to the edge of the bed and you yelped in surprise at his forcefulness before laughing. His strength surprised you sometimes but you loved it when he pulled you around like it was nothing. MOUNT I DON'T THINK SHES GOING TO LET YOU TAKE CONTROL

OK, yeah, she let him, or better he took it🤣🤣🤣

‘M-Mase, it’s too m-much’ you cried but he just shook his head into your neck. GIRL YOU ASKED FOR THAT🤣

‘Sure, won’t be a sec’ he smiled and you used the time he was gone to quickly pull on some pjs and get under the covers to wait for him to come back. As soon as he did, you noticed the slight blush on his cheeks and the cheeky smile to which you raised your brow at him before he let out a chuckle. ‘Now am I seeing things or is there a picture of us on your fridge?’ OHHHH GIRL THAT SO SWEET AND SOFT AND BEAUTIFUL AND HEARTWARMING

‘Come on, don’t get shy on me now’ he laughed whilst prying your hands away from you face and you looked up into his kind eyes knowing that everything was fine and he loved the fact you’d added him to your little collection. He dipped down to kiss you gently and you felt the butterflies erupt in your tummy as he stroked over your waist gently. ‘Can I ask you something?’ He whispered as he pulled away and you felt yourself go ridged about what he might say next. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, TELL ME THAT HE'S GOING TO ASK HER TO GO WITH HIM AT THE DINNER, PLEASEEE

YES, HE DIDDDD

‘Is Sophia going? Maybe she can take me dress shopping’ you laughed and he smiled down at you before kissing you softly again. I LOVE HOW SHE DIDN’T EXPLICITLY SAY YES

‘Well, you do everything for me. It’s about time I pay that back’ ‘You do a lot for me too’ MELTED, THOSE ARE MY BABIES

‘I thought it was really sexy earlier when you put me in my place and took control’ MOUNT🫢🫢🫢

‘Mmhmm, I’ll have to be bad more often’ AHHAHAHH

‘Night girlfriend’ he winked ‘Night boyfriend’NIGHT MUM AND DAD,LOVE YOU

I LOVE THEMMM

You are amazing at writers and describing everything without making it boring

As always thank you for deciding to share that and to write a second part of this lovely story

Thank you for making me part of that amazing journey

Love you a lot🩷🩷☠️

👨‍🍳😘

SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER

I love getting to use your ideas and I love when you notice them 🥺 I hope I’ve done you proud 😂

And thank you for reading and always taking time to leave such lovely feedback, you’re just the best 🩷

[watchmegetobsessed]

Never Have I Ever - Harry Styles (part 7)

a/n: aaand part 7 is finally here! however i want to warn yall that we are nearing the end of NHIE, im planning on having one more part and i don’t think it’ll be any longer, so enjoy while it lasts! lmao as always, feedback is very much appreciated!

pairing: Harry x actress!reader

word count: 5.7k

warning: some slight violence? it’s the good kind, you’ll see lmao

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

Sitting in your trailer you stare down at your phone longingly, rereading Harry’s last text.

“Miss you, hope everything is alright. Facetime when you’re free?”

You hate how your chest is aching at such a small and sweet thing. If you had the chance, you’d run into Harry’s arms without a second thought, but you are stuck in Atlanta while he is currently back in LA, feeling farther away than ever, in every sense.

It’s been three weeks since you left the city and parted ways with Harry. You hated it. You absolutely hated how he was looking at you and how you was about to cry in his fucking Range Rover as he was dropping you off at the airport. You tried to make it quick so you don’t get too caught up in the moment, but the moment he kissed you, it was over for you. For a split second you were ready to cancel on the whole movie and just stick with the plans you made before you got the role, but that wasn’t really an option.

Since that day, Harry has been very respectful of your will to keep some distance, he always checks in before trying to call to make sure you have time, he doesn’t text you about the most random things like he used to, maybe because you both are so busy, you basically live on set while he has left for his tour exactly a week ago, and you can tell he is trying his best to never even mention Levi.

The news that you’d have to work with your ex came as a punch in your stomach. Taiki contacted you himself to talk to you about his choice to include Levi in the movie. He has informed you that they all agreed on him at the end of the casting process, but he wanted to make sure it’s okay by you as well. What would have you said? You wouldn’t just start off a project with getting someone out of the movie before filming even started. You had no choice but to suck it up and say that it’s all fine.

Now you are stuck to see him almost every day and spend your free time with him as well since he is always the first one to show up when a little group of the cast is out and about. He has always been such a social butterfly, though now you wish he would just lock himself up in his hotel room and not show up until he is needed on set.

Levi has been trying. He’s been pushing on your nerves, always coming up to chit-chat, like there’s nothing weird or absurd about the situation, but there’s plenty. Seeing that the last time you two saw each other you threw a book at him and he threatened you to sue you if you dare to even say his name ever again. Your breakup was the definition of nasty while the rest of the world just noticed a quiet and uneventful parting, photos disappearing from Instagram and awkward smiles whenever either of you were asked about the other.

While you are all about being civil and professional, what he has been doing feels like he is trying to get under your skin, testing your patience with him, which is starting to run short.

For an outsider he is acting perfectly fine, even human towards you, but you know him all too well, you know all his little tricks and moves because you used to be an expert on the topic of Levi Hudson.

Huffing to yourself you get back to the text and type a quick reply.

“Still on set, I have two more scenes to film. Will text you when I’m back at the hotel xx”

You wish you could call him right away, you wish he was here with you and you wish you didn’t have to go back to set and face Levi once again. You really thought you’d get entirely consumed by work once filming starts and run short on time and energy to even think about Harry, but it hasn’t been the case. He is all you can think about, you always catch yourself wondering what he is doing, how his day has been or if he is thinking about you too. You cling onto your phone the moment they yell Cut! and frantically check if he has texted you. It’s taking a toll on you and you can only hope you’ll last until the movie is wrapped and you can finally join him on tour, just like you planned.

“Hey there,” Maya steps out of her own trailer when you turn the corner and she catches up with you quickly. “Wha’s up?”

“Just plotting how I can leave early,” you huff, making her laugh. You’ve become the closest to her, you right away bonded when you met at the table read and she caught you grimacing behind Levi’s back when you thought no one was looking. She came up and simply told you she doesn’t like him for literal no reason, he just has a punchable face and an alliance was formed right then and there.

“Oh Honey, let me know when you figured it out,” she chuckles, circling an arm around your shoulders as you both make your way to the set laughing.

Trying your best, you focus fully on the job on hand so you can leave as soon as possible, call Harry and go to bed. Today has been way longer than you would have liked and you just need to get away from set, despite how much you enjoy filming in general. Sometime during the taping Harry texts you that he is free whenever you are and will be waiting for your call and it just makes you even keener on leaving.

When filming is finally finished, you find yourself storm out faster than ever, already ringing up Harry as you are walking back towards your trailer. When he answers the call, his smiley face fills the screen and you feel your heart flutter in your chest.

“Hey! Done for the day?” he asks, seemingly eating something as he talks.

“Luckily,” you breathe out. “What are you eating?”

A blush appears on his pixelated face as he glances down and grabs his bowl, showing it into the camera. He is eating your pesto pasta recipe.

“I had a strong craving for it,” he shyly tells. “It’s not as good as yours though.”

“There’s nothing to do different about it, H,” you chuckle.

“I know, but it’s different when you make it,” he smiles and his words warm your chest. Just as you are about to tease him about being so corny, you hear your name being called out. Turning around you see Levi jogging towards you.

“Here we fucking go,” you mumble, not ending the call with Harry who is a little confused about the situation since he can’t see the intruder in your conversation.

“Are you heading back to the hotel?” he asks, catching up with you.

“Yeah, I wasn’t planning on sleeping in my trailer,” you answer with a frown.

“Wanna share a car?”

“Why would I?” you simply ask.

“What’s with the attitude, Y/N?” he scoffs as if he was an angel and deserved all the respect on earth.

“Why do you keep coming up to me?”

“Because I’m trying to be nice!” he snaps, but it’s all for the wrong reason. You don’t buy this shit, nice is the last thing he is trying to be and you know that for sure.

“No, you keep getting on my nerves and you know that! We don’t have to interact outside of set and I want to keep it that way, Levi!”

“Now you are being a bitch, Y/N.”

“Excuse you?” Harry’s voice is coming from your phone’s speaker and you suddenly realize that he is still there, listening to the conversation. You glance down at the screen and see his now angry expression on it.

“Who’s that?” Levi nods towards the phone with a frown, but then realization must hit him. “Is that Harry Styles you’re talking to?”

“None of your fucking business, Levi. And leave me the fuck alone.” Turning around you start marching back to your trailer that’s now so close, but once again, his voice stops you.

“You’re making a fool out of yourself, Y/N!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” you snap back at him, one hand already on the door handle of your trailer, the other one holding your phone.

“If you think he wants more than just a good fuck and some publicity out of you, you’re delusional.”

“Fuck you, Levi!” you flip him off before walking into the trailer and shutting the door behind you.

With your back against the door you close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, fighting with yourself not to go back out and kick him in the stomach. This is how it has been, he starts acting all nice, pretending like he is the good buy, but when he doesn’t get the reaction he wants, he is quick to show his real, asshole self he keeps hidden.

“Angel? You alright?” Harry’s voice brings you back from your thoughts and once again, you realize that he is still in call, staring from the screen with a worried expression on his handsome face.

Taking another deep breath you bring the phone up so he can finally see your face.

“Sorry you had to hear all of that,” you mumble, feeling way more tired than you were just a few minutes ago.

“Don’t apologize, it’s none of your fault. But I gotta ask, has he been this big of a dick since the start?”

“Kind of,” you sigh, walking further inside. You put the phone to the little vanity, propping it up against the mirror as you start washing your makeup off.

“Have you tried doing something against it? You really shouldn’t let him treat you like that.”

“I’m not trying to be the whiny star who gets someone kicked out. I don’t know what others would think if I told Levi is being a jerk to me, because he is fine with everyone else. Maya is the only one who knows about it, so I’m kind of stuck.”

“Then just punch him,” he suggests making you laugh.

“I wish I could.”

“Want to talk about it? I would love to listen to you talk about how big of a dick your ex is and about your hatred towards him,” he tells you, way too excited about the topic and it makes you chuckle.

“Let’s not talk about him, I get enough of him all day. But not enough of you.”

It just slips out, way too cheesy than you intended it to be, but it makes him smile so you don’t mind it.

“Is this your way of being casual?” he chuckles softly.

“Shut up,” you grin. “Tell me about your day while I get ready to leave.”

You listen to Harry tell you about his day in the smallest details as you clean your face, brush your hair out and change into your own clothes, finally feeling like yourself again. You’re talking even when you’re already in the car, but that’s when it ends.

“Talk tomorrow, Angel?” he murmurs, now lying in his bead, propped up against the headboard without a shirt on.

“Yeah. I’ll be off around five so just call me whenever your show is over.”

“Will do. Take care, alright? And… just hang on a little longer.”

“A little?” you huff. “There are still two more months to go.”

“You can do it. Text me whenever you want to talk, alright?” You just quietly nod, ignoring the ache in your chest. You want nothing else than to crawl into bed with him, curl up against him and never leave from under the covers.

“Good night, Angel,” he smiles sweetly.

“Night, H,” you sigh before ending the call.

An hour later you are already in your hotel room, wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, lying in bed as you scroll through Instagram, aimlessly opening posts here and there. The explore page is always a mess, you like so many different things that Instagram sometimes can’t decide what to show you, but that’s just how you like it. Lately it’s been a lot of Harry on there, given the fact that you’ve often found yourself lurking photos of him when you were missing him more than the usual.

When a paparazzi photo comes up of him from yesterday, having lunch with Kendall Jenner you can’t help but feel the jealousy ignite a fire inside you. It’s not like you didn’t know they met up, he told you a week before it and even asked if you are cool with it, to which you said that you are not an official item and you’d never tell him not to see a friend, even if it happens to be an ex as well. After all, you were the last one to throw a stone at him since you are now working with yours, even if it’s a living Hell.

But after such a draining day, seeing him have a good time so far away from you with a woman who is not you, your opinion about the situation seems to be different.

You’ve never been that extremely jealous type and you are also very much aware that you have no right to feel this way, but… you do. Scrolling through the few paparazzi photos that has nothing odd on them, just the two of them sitting at a table on a terrace, enjoying their meal and then leaving in separate cars, you can’t help but tear them apart to the tiniest detail, your brain fixated to find the smallest thing that tell you that they have something more than friendship going on, when you also know damn well sure that there’s no such thing. Harry has talked to you openly about his friendship with Kendall, how they tried to make it work two times but both of them ended up the same way: they realized they are far better as just friends and that’s how they’ve been since then.

But because of the distance, your horrible days with Levi and your agonizing feelings about wanting to be with Harry but also not being able to, you find yourself letting out a silent cry as you close the app, but the pictures still haunt you.

Before you could even think twice, you are kneeling in front of the minibar you haven’t touched since you arrived, but now you’re determined to empty it out, paying extra attention to the alcoholic drinks.

You are well aware that it’s not how you should be coping with the situation on hand, but you don’t know what else to do. You were the one who told Harry not to make things official, there’s nothing you can do against the distance between the two of you and you are stuck with Levi for the rest of filming as well. You have no other choices but to somehow dumb the pain that’s been torturing you silently ever since you found out you got the role.

It’s nerve wrecking, because this role means so much to your career, you know it’s your big chance to be finally taken as seriously as you’ve always dreamed about, but does it worth it? If you lose yourself along the way and everything that’s been making you happy lately, does it still worth just to have an Oscar nomination, which is not even guaranteed, just a speculation.

It’s past one am when you run out of drinks, but because of the small portions, you are just buzzing, not really drunk. But it’s enough to make you lose your rationality and snatch your phone from the bed and open your text threat with Harry.

“I miss you. A lot, like a whole lot.”

You send the text before you could change your mind and for your biggest surprise the status changes to seen just a few moments later before the three little dots start dancing on the bottom.

“I miss you too, Angel. Everything alright?”

Harry knows you too well, you wouldn’t just text after you’ve talked on FaceTime before and you’re usually asleep by this time, since filming starts early in the morning usually.

“Do you really miss me?” you write back with a heavy sigh.

“You can’t even imagine how much…”

“Tell me. How much?”

“I’ve written three songs about you since we parted. Does that tell you how much I miss you?”

“Oh fuck!” you choke out, feeling your chest tightening. You don’t want to be in this hotel room anymore, damn the movie, Levi and the Oscar, you need Harry. Now.

“Can’t wait to hear them all.”

“There’ll be plenty more, Angel. Get ready for a whole album!”

The pictures with Kendall are long forgotten. Now you’re just lying in bed, rereading the texts over and over again until your eyelids get too heavy and you fall asleep, still clinging onto the device.

 ***

 After years of being an independent and strong woman you’ve always aspired to be, you find yourself only focusing on two men to keep your nerves stable enough to stop you from breaking down every other day: Oscar and Harry.

The possibility to win an Oscar is what you think of every time Levi is pulling on your nerves, working harder than the devil to make you burst while acting like a saint in front of everyone. His attempts of ruining your days every imaginable are getting worse as the time passes and when thinking about the Oscar doesn’t help, you reach out to Harry. You’ve felt terribly at the beginning when you kept calling him whenever you felt like screaming after an encounter with Levi, even apologized for it, but he made sure you know he doesn’t mind it, not even the tiniest bit.

“I’m happy I’m the one you come to for comfort. I like that you’re thinking about me,” he told you one night when you called him so late, but he still answered.

Today has been extra hard. Two weeks have passed since your little late night breakdown when you emptied your mini bar out and felt like leaving Atlanta as soon as possible. Luckily, the morning came with an ease, though the pain was still there, you just managed to bottle it up enough to make you keep going.

You’ve been on set since 4 in the morning, having shot some scenes during sunrise and you’ve been going since then. Now it’s four pm, you are desperate for a good sleep already, but you still have some hours to go before you can head back to the hotel.

It seems like Levi has made it his mission to make you cry today. His latest favorite thing has been throwing shade about fellow actors who end up being the talk of gossip sites because they’ve dared to go on a public date with another celebrity. So, just to be clear, he is shaming you for being all over the tabloids, people are still speculating about you and Harry and Levi doesn’t hesitate to call you out about that in a sugarcoated way.

All he has been saying all day is “I guess I’m just more careful about my privacy!” or “Everyone is different, but I like to be noticed for my professional success!” but your favorite was “I get it that women need more effort to stay relevant.”

You were shocked how no one else realized how sexist he was, but deep down you weren’t that surprised. Levi successfully brainwashed everyone to make them believe he didn’t think it seriously, when you know for a fact that even if it was just to piss you off, he really meant it. You were once one of those who couldn’t really see how wrong his beliefs are and now you can’t believe you used to ignore all these sexist comments, but now they make your palms itch.

“You know, you once were just like that. I still remember us being on the covers,” you snapped back at him before everyone left for lunch and it was just the two of you, but he just snorted, brushing it off.

“Hated it. Always felt like just a toy they like to throw around.”

You needed all your self-control not to laugh right into his face and then jump at his throat. Instead, you just watch him walk away and you are quick to fetch your phone from your bag to text Harry, but then you realize that he hasn’t texted you back in the past ten hours. Your last four messages are sitting not just unanswered but unread as well so you talk yourself down from sending another one. It’s odd, because he always tells you when he is about to be busy, but he didn’t this time and you wonder if you’ve said or did something that upset him with you enough to stop talking to you. But then you tell yourself that something must have just come up.

“Hey girl!” Maya calls out for you, already dressed in her own clothes since she is done for the day. “I’m heading out to lunch with Timmy, want to join? Please don’t say you’ll just order in and stay in your trailer!”

“Only if Levi is not coming,” you grumble making her chuckle.

“Don’t worry, it’s just gonna be cool people.”

You both take your car to the little diner close to set, you’ve been going there quite often, they have the best pancakes and that’s exactly what you need right now. Timmy is already there sitting at a booth, waving at you happily. Aside from Maya, he is the other person you’ve been quite enjoying spending time with on set, he is a genuine guy and helped you a lot professionally which was a huge boost along this rocky way.

All through lunch you notice that he’s been checking his phone a lot, but you don’t think much of it, he is a busy guy, that you’ve learned already. It’s nice to have some time away from set and you’re thankful that Maya and Timmy are trying their best to make you forget about Levi and that eventually you have to head back.

The three of you return to set about an hour later. When the both of them stick to your side and they keep asking if you are going back to your trailer, you start to suspect something.

“You guys alright?” you ask with a chuckle. “Where else would I go? I still have thirty minutes from my break.”

“Just making sure,” Timmy shrugs. “We’ll walk you there!”

“Yeah! Let us walk to your trailer!” Maya nods in agreement and you give them a glare.

“You guys are weird,” you mumble under your breath.

As the three of you reach your trailer you notice how excited they are acting and you are confused about what’s really happening, but it’s just until you finally throw the door of your trailer open and gasp at the person waiting inside.

“Hello, Angel,” Harry smirks at you, leaning against the wall as you completely freeze.

“Angel! Oh my God!” you hear Maya squeak behind you, but you can’t pay much attention to her or Timmy, because you are busy throwing yourself into Harry’s arm, who envelopes you into his embrace, lifting you up from the ground.

“What are you doing here?” you breathe out, face buried in the crook of his neck.

“Should I not be here?” he jokes chuckling, his hands running up and down your back.

“Well, you are not supposed to, but I’m glad you are!” you chuckle and pulling back you kiss his lips, not able to hold yourself back.

“Thank your costars,” he mumbles nodding towards the door where Maya and Timmy are standing, grinning widely and proud of themselves.

“You guys did this,” you breathe out.

“Well, it was Maya’s idea, and then I was the one to message Harry,” Timmy admits, hiding his hands in his pockets. “Wanted to surprise you.”

“You surely succeeded,” you chuckle and turning back to Harry you hug him again, holding him tight as if he could vanish any moment.

“Alright, we’ll leave you two alone,” Maya chuckles before shutting the door and giving you some privacy.

“So how long are you staying?” you ask, arms circled around his neck.

“Unfortunately I don’t have much time. I need to fly out late tomorrow.”

“You came here for less than 48 hours?” you gasp in disbelief. He has been on the road for weeks now, all the traveling has been hard on him, that you know, yet he still went into the trouble of flying here for such a short time just to be with you.

“If Timothée didn’t reach out I would have still tried to mess around with my schedule to come here. I know how hard it has been for you here, I wanted to help you.”

“Stop or you’ll make me cry,” you chuckle, leaning in for another kiss.

You spend the rest of your break cuddled up on your tiny sofa in your trailer, talking but mostly kissing, because you’ve been missing Harry’s kisses the most probably. When it’s time to head back to set, you need everything in you not to lock the door and just never leave, but your work is calling.

Walking towards set you find yourself lacing your fingers together with Harry’s, to which he smirks at you in satisfaction. You couldn’t give less shit about that people will think the rumors are true, let them! All you want is to be as close to Harry as possible.

As everyone is slowly gathering back, you lounge around the buffet tables with Harry and Timothée, just genuinely having a good time, right until Levi walks in and he freezes upon seeing you with Harry.

At first you are convinced he’s going to come up to you, but luckily, he chooses to keep his distance this time, saving you some stress about what would go down if the two of them were to talk. Harry has definitely noticed his presence as well, but he doesn’t say a word, just holds your hand tight, kissing your knuckles.

Harry sticks around the whole afternoon, watching you film scene after scene and the excitement in his eyes is priceless. He takes every opportunity to praise your work and tell you how amazing you are doing and it means the world to you since it’s the first time Harry is seeing you working.

Through the afternoon, you can feel Levi’s burning glare on you, but you try your best to ignore it. You can tell he doesn’t like having Harry around but you haven’t figured out if it’s because he is jealous of you and him or because now Harry has all the attention he usually has. Either way, he is a petty fucker and you are enjoying pissing him off for once.

When filming finally finishes at six you are one of the first ones to head out, eager to finally be alone with Harry in your hotel room and not be disturbed for the night.

“I would say to pick up something to eat on our way, but maybe we should just order room service, how does that sound?” he asks as the two of you are walking back to your trailer.

“Room service is gonna be perfect,” you smile up at him, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Y/N!”

The voice calling out your name makes you growl in annoyance. The situation is all too familiar, Levi stopping you on your way back to your trailer with the pure intention of ruin your mood.

Oh for fuck’s sake,” you mumble under your breath before turning around. “What?” you snap back at him, clearly annoyed that he is here again.

“Hey, just… thought I would introduce myself to your friend over here,” he smiles as if it was the most natural thing, but you and Harry stand there, completely confused about how he can act so casual about him meeting Harry.

“I’m sorry, you what?” you question.

“Just wanted to meet Harry,” he tells again. “I’m Levi, nice to meet you,” he nods smiling, holding out his hand and you can’t hold your laughter back. Luckily, Harry is quick to react the best possible way.

“Are you really just gonna pretend like I didn’t hear you call Y/N a bitch the other day?” he asks, voice stern and surprisingly calm, however his hold on your hand is a little tighter now.

Seemingly, Levi is taken aback and you can tell he was convinced Harry wouldn’t bring it up straight to his face, but he did. He definitely just did and you are so happy about that.

“I’m, uhh—I don’t think you have any business in that, Harry,” he chuckles nervously, still trying to somehow dominate in the situation, but he is failing miserably.

“Oh, but I think I do. If you think you can just go around and call women bitches, you are in the wrong and if you ever have just one bad word for Y/N again, I’ll definitely won’t be this calm.”

The cherry on the top is the warm smile on Harry’s lips and your mouth hangs open at how bad he just burnt Levi. If you were alone now, you’d definitely jump his bones right away.

Watching Levi you see the exact moment when he drops the act and before he even opens his nasty mouth, you already know you’ll get another taste of his real self.

“What, you fuck her once and think she is the Queen of England who has to be treated with special care?” he scoffs and your stomach drops. Here he goes with the insults, buckle up!

“Excuse you?” Harry snaps back, clearly losing his patience with him.

“She is not that big of a deal, Styles. Might be a good fuck, but she is a fucking bitch in reality and you’ll see that soon.”

“I think it was just you who made her act that way and that’s entirely your fault, m’ friend. Anyone would be that way if they had to deal with you.”

“You know what? You two deserve each other, two low-life, attention seeker celebs, I just don’t get what people like so much about you. Especially about you,” he adds, eyes snapping to you. Your anger is boiling, he is dancing on your very last nerve and you have no idea how long you can last.

Harry then turns to you, a calm expression on his face, but his eyes tell you otherwise as he simply takes his rings off and places them into your palm, confusing you about what he is really doing.

“I’m sorry in advance, Angel,” he mumbles before taking a step towards Levi and with a simple but graceful move, he punches your scumbag ex.

You gasp as you hear Levi’s groan, his hands flying to his face while Harry shakes his fist off with a heavy sigh.

“Oh fuck, this feels better with a glove on,” Harry breathes out, taking a step back.

“You fucker!” Levi spats as he straightens up. He moves his hand from his face, checking it to see if he is bleeding, but it’s just some redness on his cheek.

“Don’t freak out, princess. You’ll just have to sit some more in the makeup. But Swear to God if you ever speak about her that way,” Harry warns him pointing at him, “You won’t be able to fix it with some powder.”

And with that, Harry grabs your hand and pulls you into the trailer, leaving a shocked and raged out Levi outside. As soon as it’s just the two of you, Harry changes from the confident, protective man to a frightened little puppy as he looks at you.

“I’m so sorry, but I just couldn’t take it any longer. The way he was talking about you and I—“

He doesn’t get to finish because our lips shut him up with the most heated and passionate kiss you two have ever shared. It’s hard and messy, your fingers thread through his hair as he grabs your waist forcefully, yanking you against her tightly.

“That was literally the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” you pant against his lips.

“Yeah? So you’re not mad?”

“I’m only mad because you got to punch him before me,” you chuckle making him laugh as well.

“God, I have no idea how you could put up with him this long,” he breathes out, resting his forehead against yours.

“I’m convinced that my nerves are made out of steel,” you joke pecking his lips two more times.

“I don’t even see how you could be in a relationship with him in the first place,” he huffs.

“I was younger and dumber. Don’t worry, learned my lesson,” you laugh, cupping his cheek in the palm of your hand, running your thumb along the soft skin under his eye.

“If I’m being honest, there’s one more thing that’s upsetting me about him.”

“And what is that?”

“Please don’t get mad at me though, okay?” he chuckles softly.

“Just tell me!”

“I’m mad… because he is able to say that he has been in a relationship with you and I’m not. It’s pissing me off, properly,” he admits and your heart skips a beat. “I know you said you don’t want anything official, but I just want to call you mine and—“

You cut him off for the second time now as you kiss him again, grinning against his lips. If he didn’t bring this up now, you would have for sure before he left, because there was no way you would have been able to say goodbye to him again without having all strings tied.

“Just to be sure, was this your way of asking me to be your girlfriend?” you smirk, your hands holding onto the base of his neck.

“Kind of? Yeah,” he chuckles softly.

“Alright, cool. Now let’s go back to my hotel room, boyfriend.”

You watch as his eyes light up and leaning down he kisses you again.

“Just so we are on the same page, was this your way of saying yes?”

“Kind of, yeah,” you nod, using his own words.

“Great. Okay, let’s go, girlfriend.”

PREVIOUS PART

NEXT PART

[theboykingofhell]

(writing anon 1/2) SO BASICALLY i have this idea for a book thats p fleshed out and im really into it buuuut there is just One Problem and that is that i have like... no idea how to end it? ive come up with a handful of possible conclusions, but all the positive ones feel really cheap or almost delusional, the neutral one just feels unsatisfying and pointless, and the negative ones all seem to be the most realistic but like... i dont rly want it to have a bad ending you know?

 so i guess im just stuck because the only ending/s that really seem reasonable at all are all the bad ones where things dont get better or actively get worse and LIKE... i dont feel like thats a good direction to go with it but i really dont know what else to do. ive never actually had trouble ending a story before, it usually comes p naturally??? the story is kinda negative and i wanna give the characters a happy end but i dont know how to do it w/out being cop-out-y :(

(sorry for being so vague fhbnj im paranoid about sharing my ideas of anything but i can try to explain more if you want or if that would help at all ??)

don’t worry about being vague i 100% understand not wanting to share a story idea online!!!! feel free to send me some unanon if you’d like (tho im going to bed right after this so i’d have to answer it tomorrow) if you want, like, more specific advice!!! since i can’t give you any ideas without knowing the story itself...

i will say tho thaaaaaaaaaaaat... if you wanna make a happy ending for a rly negative story, either make it longer or make the climax of the story happen earlier on so that you have plenty of time to start applying the stepping stones that will make that happy ending a lot more satisfying and a lot more realistic.

also just know that if you do have a depressing story, the ending itself doesn’t have to be... an ‘ending’! it might actually help if you don’t think of it as one, and just think of it more as a point in a timeline where the book just happens to close, but the story isn’t over. by that i mean, you don’t have to make it a conclusion, but you can end it in a spot that brings sentimentality to the reader. it would serve as the light at the end of the tunnel, something that the reader can build on by themselves, which sometimes can be more rewarding than just having the story spell out a happy ending when it isnt exactly deserved at that moment? the characters are happy because they’re in recovery and have an opportunity to be even happier in the future, and that’s a RLY nice ending while also keeping with the themes of the story, usually

also know that because your story is on the negative side, that means any happiness you show in the story has more emotional weight. if it’s TOO happy at the end, it can be really cheesy or look like a cop-out. again, you can ease yourself into it, hint and nudge the story in that happy direction and it will seem WAY more natural than just trying to shove everything into a nice neat box at the end. that will never work out the way you want it to because you’re forcing your story in a direction it wasnt going in, with a pace it never had.

again, idk what endings you have in mind but...! maybe try mixing the endings a little? what if you choose that happy ending but some of the bad things in the unhappy ending happens? what makes your neutral ending seem unsatisfying?? what parts of the bad endings are clicking for you, and how can you bend that a little towards the happy ending???

also just... man! dont force it! endings are hard haha. it’s GREAT that you have everything fleshed out but, man, you have plenty of time to get to that ending. it’s not til the end! the ending just might not come at all until its ready to, and it just might not be ready to. idk how far you’ve gotten into writing but... maybe it’s time to just kind of take the ending and place it on a rock and walk away from it for a lil while until it decides to stop being a brat and give you something to work with. sometimes it helps a lot to just leave it to chance and time.. it might also just help you think of the development you need to steer closer to the ending you want

GOOD LUCK!!! I HOPE THAT’S HELPFUL HEEEE

[butwhatistrue]

Dream, Reality, Psychosis and Me

Okay, look ^^^^^ there is a pretentious title to start this pretentious introspective piece off. I almost feel like I’m on my old blog! Except, this time it’s personal.

Uhhm cw for nightmare content and unreality I guess but not too badly and nothing graphic. Mentions of demons(possession), murder, syringes, blood, violence.

In which I contemplate my relationship to Reality, The Dreamworld, Dream Intergration and it’s relation to my supposed psychosis.

Okay so I was recently diagnosed with psychosis (non-organic, unspecified). This is a weird position for me to be in, because if I accept this diagnosis I will, in effect, have to accept that I have been more or less psychotic since before a time I can barely remember.. And that is …. Hard to accept.

You’d think it was easy, too. Whenever my friends talk about being bullied in school I end up going a little quiet, because the truth is I have MASSIVE gaps in my memory but I remember SOME bad things, and some really really WAY UNREALISTICALLY bad things which I assume are dream-memories. I remember the fear and the feeling that everyone was plotting against me, from small things like seating in the classroom, to bigger things, like their supposed endgoal of “putting me down” with a euthanasia syringe stolen from the local vet, or setting the playhouse on fire with me stuck in it. But I also have very clear memories of being called “a slut” and “a whore” with reference to events which I at the time had no memory of, and which were likely fabrication(?!). I wonder if my classmates noticed my faulty episodic memory and used it against me, or if they didn’t realize how much they were fucking with my mind?

Still, the tale goes back before school, at least to kindergarten but dare I say the daycare too. I vaguely remember daycare, but I think what I remember are dreams and not reality. I just remember lying in my bed with someone standing over me and being absolutely certain I was going to die and believing they were hurting me. I never did like daycare, according to my mom. I would come home “cleaner than when I arrived”, so they might have been bathing me which could explain the issue as I was massively opposed to being cleaned as a child. I think the dreams began then or a little later. At first they were a little silly. The lamp would flicker, rip itself loose and come floating towards me from above. The teddies on my duvet would get up and start to wander towards me, closer and closer, their intent unknown. 

At this time I didn’t think of them as dreams or nightmares. They were ‘the things that happened in my room at night’. To this day I wonder about the two categories of nightmares: Awful shit nightmares, and “things that happen in my room at night” nightmares. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even dreaming, I wouldn’t be able to say if I weren’t. The ‘awful shit that happens’ nightmares came right on their tail. My brother would hold me down while my father butchered me with an axe; I would be buried alive or thrown in the trash. My mother would cry over my still-sentient mutilated dead body. Sometimes they were weird and eery. Like one time my brother and his friends acquired a syringe and every time someone was struck with it, they would start to multiply, and their personality and wishes would be washed out the more they multiplied and the more it would be replaced with the need to multiply others too. Some were just bloody and gory beyond belief, like the one time all the other children had been slaughtered and i was forced to drink their blood (which tasted like overripe tomatoes, a food item i can’t eat to this day lmao)

I believed strongly at this age that there were spirits, often hiding in lamps, who could occupy a human body and bend it to their will. This could happen at anytime, to anyone, which meant I was never safe – even from the one person I did trust (my mother).  I also never did trust reality. I started to wake up from nightmares within another nightmare that would play out in the house. Going to my mom for comfort, only to find her possessed by spirits, or getting attacked and mutilated on my way through the house, was a stable. I would have dreams within dreams within dreams. When I was awake I was anxious enough to turn reality into a nightmare, too. The darkness came to life before my eyes. So naturally, I became wary of reality.

Who wouldn’t? At an early point in kindergarten I had my first successful lucid dream. I was having a scary dream, not really a nightmare. It was too silly, too cliché, like something other kids would tell me about. A witch had caught me, and was preparing the bowl in which she was going to cook me alive. “This cannot be,” I said to myself. “How ridiculous. This ain’t even scary – you gotta do better!” and you know. In the end I WAS boiled alive by the witch but I knew I wasn’t REALLY dying. And that was a grand victory over The Dreamworld. I told the other kids, proud of my accomplishments, and I was deemed a Dream Hero (or maybe they didn’t believe me but those are Lesser Details).

Of course, I rejoiced too soon. The dreamworld did up it’s game, and soon Reality followed. By the time I entered school and people had the realization that I Was Not Correct, and presumably started to freeze me out and/or even bully me, The Dreamworld was Ready to Strike.

And it wasn’t as much about seeing Dream stuff in reality, it was more about fake memories and weird notions given too much credit. yet. yet..

I never really thought about any of this in terms of psychosis. The thought honestly never even crossed my mind???? Until a little over a year ago when that psych dude indelicately pointed it out. 

Since being a small child I’ve thought about this like a battle between Reality and The Dreamworld (and sometimes with anxiety). The world of dreams contains both bad and good. There are good things there for me to harvest. Eventually I had non-scary lucid dreams, and I started having good-natured inception-style battles of wit with my “subconscious”. I would be wake up exasperated but fond.

Just like the Dreamworld knows how to fuck me up, it knows my aesthetics intimately, and I’ve had the most beautiful views and riveting adventures in that world. It was a force of nature for me to tame and control. The night is twilight hour. Anything can happen during the night. You don’t even know if you’re dreaming or awake, during the night. Trust, me if you wake up enough times from a waking position, you’re going to lose count.

It doesn’t matter either. You marvel at the beauty of it all. Or quiver in existential fear.

I’ve been constantly questioning reality, whether dreaming or awake, since I was four. I’ve had to. And I know the rules. If something seems reality-ish I play by the rules of Reality lest I fuck up. Even if things seem very very dream-ish I try not to do anything that would kill me in Reality, jic. It’s working out great. I feel like my connection to the Dreamworld is a gift as much as a curse.

Sometimes Dream-elements enter reality, even at day, and I guess that is what people so clinically refer to as “hallucinations”, but to be honest I never thought much of it. It never goes beyond a point where everything is reality-ish, so I still act according to the Reality-ruleset and then I may employ a second jic-ruleset which might be considered a little to the delusional side.

But who really cares as long as it’s working out?

I never assumed reality was supposed to be clearcut. I always saw figures in the dark and considered if it was a man walking his dog, an axe-murderer, a demon or a trick of my mind. Those were all equally valid options and I considered that to be the way reality works.

You can’t trust everything you experience, but there are so many reasons not to? It could be a dream, or it could contain dream elements, or I could be misreading something.

It’s not a scary, weird thing, pathological thing, is it????? How much do people trust their senses normally? I’m sure it happens just as often that I consider something a Trick of Mind, when in fact, it’s true. Just the other night I was sleeping at my friend’s mom’s place. I woke up to a dripping sound, and found that the ceiling was dripping rhythmically on my duvet. Naturally I assumed this was a “thing that happens at night”, and went back to sleep. Next day it turns out there WAS in fact water dripping from the ceiling!

I mean isn’t that equally a problem? And now that people are throwing about scary words like psychosis and even schizophrenia, it makes it all so much more scary and anxiety-inducing.

It’s not just about a battle of wits anymore. It’s about “mental illness”. And it’s like…. All the hard work I’ve done.. is not good enough?????? Like I’ve worked so hard,, And I’ve gotten so much better… but it’s not good enough?? I’m not good enough.

And what are they even basing this whole thing on??? “Oh you hear a few things? Oh you smell a few things? Oh times is weird? Oh lamps are scary?” like no fucking shit but I GOT THIS OKAY

So WHY AM I EVEN WASTING THEIR TIME? What do I want???? I guess I really really really wanted someone to tell me the whole structure/concentration issue was an adhd issue and prescribe me miracle meds …. If I’m being honest. I don’t know how to deal with these meds. They scare me. I don’t know what Reality is without Dream Intergration???? But it sounds really empty and scary and meaningless.

At the same time they’re saying it might help my anxiety and I’m so DESPERATE for relief it’s embarrassing. I almost cry at the thought of relief????? Because it just. It hurts so fucking much??? Lmao im so weak but still. It makes me so anxious to think it might have no effect. I was so resigned to status quo. The idea that it can be different creates hope and hope breeds anxiety. I was going to be fine but now I’m DESPERATE for that sweet relief??? I fantasize about it.

And then there is dream logic which shouldn’t be taken too seriously. But I have noted that I’ve missed two buses since I started on these meds, which I would’ve made it to if my usual time-skills had been working. I can’t say for sure the meds have anything to do with it, the system does fail me sometimes, but it’s quite the coincidence. Twice time has seemed to go in the opposite direction of what dream logic dictates, or at least been flowing in non-gentle directions. It’s supposed to be a just in time matching system. The logical Reality explanation is that I’m tired and not focusing on the time properly, which is not good either. But it’s like. Some time stuff has returned. For example I’ve started checking the time at 13.13, 14.14, 19.19 etc again. I feel very proud??? Even thought it’s a useless skill. But that might indicate my time-understanding is improving. I might just need to adjust, so checking those keypoints could be a way of adjusting?

There are also real, valid concerns about anti-psychotics, that I’m ignoring in favor of hunting that Sweet Anxiety Relief…

I feel like I’ve played myself. Am I scrapping over twenty years of learned tolerance for the Dreamworld’s antics? What comes after?

I never ever want to be small and afraid and without reality testing again.

[xomaleriestar]

Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit 

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child? 

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter. 

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never 

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!! 

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder 

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for  🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing 

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u