#maybe im starting to have a dpdr episode

[just-a-goofygoblin]

i just really wanted to vent, but don't wanna talk about it with a person or other creature

and if i didn't vent i know I would explode, but it had to be in the most obscure place

so now im here tumblr, thanks for existing

im feeling very much a lot big huge amount of feelings

it's so many of them i dont know what and how i am feeling

so much

feelings

emotions

different from each other

even opposite

a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

i have to die, bye

[league-of-stim]

im not last anon, but I'd love to hear you ramble about Kayn or other of your favourite league characters!

Oh gosh!! Ya’ll are so nice!!!

Okay so!!! With Kayn I have a few basic headcanons that wouldn’t leave me rambling for hours!!! Kayn is trans, autistic and ADHD and has quite a bit of trauma from his childhood (considering he was literally drafted at 10 years old). Kayn absolutely has PTSD and DPDR, it leads to him having some pretty frequent flashbacks and dissociative episodes, but now that I’m thinking of it I feel like Rhaast would probably help out!! I love the idea that Kayn and Rhaast have more of a bro relationship than something as boring as them hating each other!! Sure, they’re both spiteful and annoying to each other, but that’s what bros do!!! Bros also help distract you from traumatic memories and help you feel more in control of your own body <3!!!

Another few character headcanons!!!

-Zed and Shen are also trans!!! I mean, come on, Zed has changed his name 3 times!!! Zed also took Kayn in because he saw a lot of himself in the boy, as Zed was also an orphan, so why not say that they were also both trans and bonded over that as well?

-Zed helped Kayn get started with his transition because he’s the best dad ever. Also, Kayn would/does have a lot of nightmares due to his PTSD and Zed would let him come crawl into bed with him!!! Best dad!!!

-Sett is trans and refuses to wear shirts because he didn’t get that top surgery just to cover it up!!!

-Aphelios and Alune are both nonbinary and their genders are connected to the moon!!! Aphelios is agender but they both connect to the term “lunarian” though Phel definitely prefers to be seen as masculine and ambiguous (hard to explain but yeah)!!! Phel uses they/them, Alune uses she/they!!!

-Sett’s mom fucking LOVES making pies and she’s so good at it!!! They’re Sett’s favorite and she always makes sure to have one ready when he comes over, especially for special occasions!!!

Damn!!! I have more but maybe I’ll share some more at a later time!!! Don’t want this to get too long!!! Thank you so so much for asking <3!!!!!

[shes-my-colllar]

the whole byf masterpost

sorry this isnt on my main blog, i wanted to keep this separate from the posts on my main blog lmao

ABOUT ME

hello. i’m Kodi. you can also call me Minty. either one works, but i prefer Kodi.

here’s what i look like. in case that was a concern you had.

i’m 14, nonbinary (they/them or he/him preferred, but anything works tbh), a freshman in high school, and live in Colorado. no, I won’t sell you pot. thanks for asking.

im asexual and panromantic. if you look like lars im probably already attracted to you.

i’m incredibly vulgar, in case you already couldn’t tell. c:

also in case you couldn’t tell, i mostly reblog mcr and frank iero n stuff. i’ll also reblog memes and shitposts and whatever. but it is mostly mcr and fiatp and stuff like that. anything that’s not mcr is most likely tagged.

speaking of stuff i usually post, things will get bloody on here. i will fairly often reblog pictures of blood. 99% of the time i tag it, tho. if you want to follow me but have a blood trigger, blacklist the ‘blood tw /’ tag.

i have depression, ADHD (professionally diagnosed), anxiety disorder, and DPDR (self-diagnosed)

i do art things sometimes. and music things, but theyre not public. maybe when i work up enough courage i’ll post something related to my music stuff.

i’m a Satanist, a member of the Satanic Temple. (i have a membership card man dont fuck with me)

i’m an anarchist, too.

i’m fluent in sarcasm and talking shit. partially fluent in spanish.

i play bass, ukulele, melodica, and violin (and a little piano too but i’m not good at it)

if you see me reblog something that contains a trigger of yours, please do not hesitate to send me an ask and tell me!! you can send it on anon and tell me to tag it. (tho i prefer off anon, so i can answer you privately [and take you seriously. remember that one anon that asked me to tag bob? i thought it was just someone who actually liked bob asking me to start a tag for him, so i responded really sarcastically and told them i wouldnt. it turned out to be someone who was genuinely triggered by bob, and i felt like shit for responding the way i did lmao]) 

this is completely unimportant, but i want to share it anyway. my main drink order at Starbucks is a mocha. iced, hot, frappuccino, white chocolate, peppermint, dont care, as long as its a mocha. unless the psl is in season. then i get a psl.

thanks for paying a visit to my blog. stay fresh, stay classy, and stay alive.

i support - LGBTQ+ rights (this blog is a safe space, and will not tolerate any form of aphobia) - women’s rights/gender equality (this blog will not tolerate any sexism, towards men OR women, or any other gender identity) - racial equality (this blog will not tolerate any racism) - anarchism (fuck the government! its built on old white men with standards that were good for a country 200+ years ago! they’re racist! they’re homophobic! they’re sexist! get them the fuck out of there! replace the government! respect existence or expect resistance!)

i do not support - conservative republicans - Donald Trump specifically - feminazis/radical feminists - pedophilia/ddlg and any ships involving it - incest and any ships involving it - pro-ana/thinspo - exclusionists (those who think asexuals aren’t LGBTQ+ and don’t belong in LGBTQ+ spaces) - TERFs/SWERFs - forcing sexualities onto people (we all think Dan and Phil look cute together, ok? i like the idea of them being together too. just stop going out of your way to find every little detail that may suggest they’re together, and just,,, saying they’re boyfriends, leave them alone lmao)

bonus unlocked: music I listen to, shows/youtubers i watch, things you’ll see me reblog at times, etc - Twenty One Pilots - Panic! At The Disco - Gorillaz - Leathermouth - Pencey Prep - Death Spells - My Chemical Romance - Frank Iero andthe Patience - Fall Out Boy - I Don’t Know How But They Found Me - Falling In Reverse - Misfits - Nirvana - Vinyl Theatre - the Cancer Crew (Filthy Frank, iDubbbz, Maxmoefoe) - Pyrocynical - Dan and Phil - Splatoon - Night in the Woods - Overwatch - Bojack Horseman - Rick and Morty - Stranger Things - Steven Universe - The End Of The F***ing World

just warning you now; every time something new comes out for something im into (new episode of a TV show, new music video for a band, new video from a youtuber, etc), i’ll be reblogging things related to that thing for awhile. so, you may come across spoilers for some things. apologies. i’ll try to remember to tag it if it has major spoilers.

LINKS

band member tags (they all should be mobile friendly now!! fixed them all)

gerard - x ( tagged #!!.gee ) frank - x ( tagged #!!.frank ) ray - x ( tagged #!!.ray ) mikey - x ( tagged #!!.mikey ) (eat shit bob) bonus: frerard - x bonus: rikey - x

era tags (i did my best to make sure these are all mobile friendly)

bullets - x ( tagged #bullets ) revenge - x ( tagged #tcfsr ) black parade - x ( tagged #bp ) danger days - x ( tagged #dd ) hesitant alien - x ( tagged #aliens ) andthe patience - x ( tagged #patience )

lyrics tag

social media (this list is frequently updated, but if any of the links don’t work please let me know)

deviantart - KoditheInkling instagram - xokodi_ snapchat - koditheinkling (most active) youtube - MintyBlueNobody ifunny - JoeKeery (inactive) wattpad - fantastlc-bastards twitter - xokodi_  spotify - koditheinkling

gaming shit (no actual links here, just where you can find me)

switch FC -  SW-5080-0652-7342 switch IGN - SR • xokodi_ pocket camp ID - 0578 1253 280 pocket camp IGN - my dude discord - emo in 2018#1677

support me!!

buy me a coffee shop my redbubble

not an mcr fan? its chill, i got tags for other stuff too c:

gorillaz twenty one pilots i dont know how but they found me panic! at the disco black panther  love, simon rick and morty dan and phil

(more coming soon!!)

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.