#maybe speak for yourself (imogen heap)…

[lesbiangiratina]

I cant wait to fill up my cd rack then relocate my utena and gg cds which take up like a third of my cd rack and then fill it again

[wumblr]

if we're doing a 2000s fashion revival for real, then we need to talk about imogen heap. i'm not kidding when i say everyone was trying to imitate her. to some degree, the fashion gestalt of the era basically comes down to her representation booking her for garden state and the OC finale soundtracks. i can't remember who but it was A VERY small agency, she feels like one of the last musicians who really blew up organically out of nowhere (and due to her own merits -- i remember one of the early reviews i read for speak for yourself said "she has more talent in one finger than most musicians approach in their entire career"). and the reason it grew tired so quickly is because nobody COULD imitate her. there's a wealth of techniques from her catalogue that survived to become production tropes (live looping, i couldn't say who inspired who but i think she was doing it before jon brion, kt tunstall, and andrew bird), and a larger number of techniques that didn't (the vocoder keytar, because it's hers). possibly the only person at the time who had crossover appeal between manic pixie, hip hop, and the mainstream, because she was so solidly oriented as queen bee of the weird girls. EVERYBODY liked her. even the SNL joke is about how effective her work is. when i saw her live, somebody waiting in line described speak for yourself as "maybe not a great roadtrip album" specifically because of hide and seek, which might play out very differently on a roadtrip now that it's a twice-charting throwback hit. oh. oh my god. some of you are trying to do a 2000s fashion revival and have NEVER EVEN HEARD HIDE AND SEEK. please delete tiktok

[knoxise]

the way shades linger -- a indie/folk playlist for hades game patroclus + achilles (patrochilles)

tracklist and matching lyrics under the cut (playlist icon by wolfythewitch); will be perpetually updated and adjusted

Memory - Aristos the Musical (I wish I had a secret; I wish I had a thousand; just so I could tell him every single one)

You Woke, I Waited - PigPen Theatre Co. (When we are older, we'll hear our bodies say; Oh; We'd find the mountain, survive)

A Long Way Past the Past - Fleet Foxes (I'll know that it's true; that rebirth won't work like it used to be; and oh, man, was it that much better then?)

Ghost's Fingers - Lambs & Wolves (We'll meet where this body ends; Have you ever met a ghost hiding his hands?)

Another Involved - Cold Weather Company (There's another involved, there's a pain in these walls)

Wait It Out - Imogen Heap (Everybody says that time heals everything; But what of the wretched hollow? The endless in between?)

Can You Stay - The Family Crest (Can you stay; Cause you have my heart; Cause you've been mine for all of time)

Open Water Reckless Fishes - Squalloscope (Left all the good ones behind; Not because I wanted to, but because it was time)

Will Tomorrow Ever Come - Cold Weather Company (If time is our debt, what do we owe? Will I see you soon?)

You, Anything For - The Soil & The Sun (You could be the one who I would bleed for; Salt in my wound and seethe for)

Meet You At The Gate - Jayne Trimble (I will meet you at the gate; I don't mind if I've to wait; Cause, oh, it takes a little time to taste the fruit of the vine; show me the way to your heart)

Fair - The Amazing Devil (And clinging to the moment, "Where have you been?" She'll whisper, "I've waited, oh, so long for you to come")

Two Shadows - Benjamin Verdoes (You wanted to unravel, you wanted to escape; Here's the last place we kissed; But we're not trying to speak)

O Icarus - Aristos the Musical (This moment seems like memory; I'm grieving breathing, and the grief is air)

I Design Disasters - Robert Hallow and The Holy Men (And when I am alone; I trace your shape in the air beside me; Give it time love, I know you're wanting more)

Ribcage - Ash the Ghost (There's a ghost of who we were living in my spine; Maybe if we run away we can bring it back to life; Let it sink into our lines and edges)

Calling It Love - Devil and the Deep Blue Sea (Am I another home you lost in the flood; and are you the only living thing that I will ever touch?)

A Better Time to Meet - Adrianne Lenker & Buck Meek (I never feel more found than when I'm wandering; But to hear that quiet voice, I'd give up everything; To follow the soft sighing of the sea)

Always Gold - Radical Face (Yeah, everything goes away; But I am gonna be here until forever, so just call when you're around)

Everybody Here Is A Cloud - Cloud Cult (There's so much more to see in our darkest places; Have you found where your place is?)

The Moon/Awake - The Dear Hunter (How'd we lose our place? Who decided out fate? I'd bare you my heart if I knew that it was still there; I'm too nervous to look)

Rule #33 - Pyre - Fish in a Birdcage (When I looked in your eyes, I said I know you'll be fine; Trust yourself and live it your way)

You and I - Domimi Foster (You and I always were waiting; For the inevitable fall; Can we have one hour longer than this?)

My Love Goes To The Grave - Jayne Trimble (I can't go back, I've done you wrong; This is where I belong, where I'm going you cannot come)

Empty Hall Sing Along - Woodpigeon (Since you came, I don’t know what way is up and where I stand; or where I can; words take on a different plan)

True Love - Emily Brown (True love, tell me what's in your soul; Right when you're most at peace, that's when you lose control)

Shadow Boy - Little Moon (I whisper out your name, knowing you can hear; And you are here; I am here)

The Night We Met - Lord Huron (I don't know what I'm supposed to do; Haunted by the ghost of you)

You Are - Mother Falcon (What is dear to me? You are what is dear to me)

Let's Go Home - Cold Weather Company (Though you know I'll always turn back to you; And wonder what a little more time could prove; I just can't keep being like this)

Resurrection Fern - Iron & Wine (In our days we will live, like our ghosts will live; like stubborn boys with big green eyes, we'll see everything)

Sleeping World - Vancouver Sleep Clinic (I'm a wandering soul, lost in a city of homes; I don't see anything else, cause I'm just learning to hold you above a sleeping world)

Death with Dignity - Sufjan Stevens (Spirit of my silence, I can hear you; but I'm afraid to be near you, and I don't know where to begin)

You Are the Moon - The Hush Sound (Darkness, darkness, everywhere, do you feel all alone?; You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear)

[sofarsofastmp3]

people you want to know better

thanks for the tag @yabagofmilfs <3

i’m not sure who has or hasn’t been tagged here but i’ll tag @rimouskis @guentzel @idiotsfc and whoever else who sees this and would like :)

last song: headlock by imogen heap. my rewatch of the oc lost steam around season 3 but my summer affair with speak for yourself is strong as ever

currently watching: i just recently watched my lady jane in basically one sitting. a delightfully insane time!! and i’m about to finally start season 3 of the bear

currently reading: i spent most of july starting books and not finishing them so now my nightstand has a frankly comical stack of books on it. the bulk of my attention right now is on the valet who loved me by valerie bowman (he’s a marquess who is also a spy and he’s undercover as a valet at his best friend’s country house party. as one does.) homesick for another world by otessa moshfegh (not loving tbh i’ve read six of the stories and have enjoyed lines or excerpts but maybe only one full story? i think there are still another 7 or 8, so fingers crossed), and boy on ice: the life and death of derek boogaard by john branch (the prologue almost made me cry. so far really well written and i’ve been wanting to read this for ages)

current obsessions: tangerine popsicles. those videos of olympians sprinting to hug their partners after winning (tara davis-woodhall’s is my favorite the way she LEAPS up to her husband after winning gold for long jump 🫶🫶). my renewed interest in my cookbook project- i’m trying to cook through dinner in one by melissa clark. fell off for a while but i’m back on it and her recipes are so good

sweet, savory, or salty: usually i’m a sweet/salty, but i’ve been on a sweet kick lately. tangerine popsicles you understand. but i’ve been craving miso chocolate chip cookies so i may be returning to form soon

relationship status: i’ve no money and no prospects. i’m already a burden to my parents. and i’m frightened.

favorite color: yellow! especially soft yellows like gender neutral baby yellow or banana popsicle yellow

last thing i googled: “lorraine heath stanwick” i needed to sort out proper reading order. the woman has scattered entire family trees across multiple series!

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Rewind (Part 7): Keizo Arashi x Fem!Reader

synopsis: the past comes back in more ways than one.

wc: 1.3k

tw: NSFW

previous part ⏮ masterlist ⏭ next part

song recommendation:

"Hey, y/n! Want to go out and get drinks with us?"

You take out your earbuds and shake your head at your co-worker, smiling.

"Thanks, Yuri, but I have a lot of work to catch up on." Yuri waves at you before leaving with a gaggle of your other co-workers, and you stay behind, placing your earbud in again.

Despite the entire company being a television-focused arena, you've been tasked with being the music correspondent. It's a fluffed-up title for someone who listens to music and rates the newest albums, but you get to do it under a pseudonym, just in case South is watching for you on the internet.

And since the company is far enough outside of the city for anyone to recognize you without makeup on, you blend right in with the other workers, not drawing too much attention to yourself while you earn a decent wage and go home to an empty apartment in the evenings. It's not all bad, you reason. It's enough to keep you afloat and make your life your own.

But sometimes, you think about Keizo.

You flip around your new phone at night and pray he would find your new number like he found the old one and call. Or maybe he'd show up at the station at the behest of Mrs. Sano, and sweep you off your feet again. The weeks go by, however, and you hear nothing, see nothing, say nothing.

After a while, you're convinced that no one is coming for you in this new place. You've severed all ties with the past, and now you have o make a way forward on your own.

Except...

A certain reporter keeps calling your phone for updates.

"Are you enjoying your new job?" Takemichi asks innocently.

"I am," you reply, yawning. "It's a good place to be."

"Where do you work now? What are you doing?"

"I can't say," you answer, grimacing. "Y'know, because of--"

"South." Takemichi pauses. "I've been hearing from Benkei lately. He's trying to get through to you." Your heart skips a beat.

"Really?" Takemichi must hear the hope in your voice because he immediately responds.

"Yeah," he laughs. "It's funny because until now, you hadn't been answering my phone calls."

"My mistake," you offer, chuckling. "I forgot to tell you I moved into an apartment when I got the new job. The motel's phone has probably been ringing off the hook since I left."

"It has... It has." Another long pause. "So... should I give him your number?" You hesitate. Should you go down that path again? If you do, it would be fraught with hiding from South and maybe even moving again in order to keep yourself safe. "If it makes you feel any better," Takemichi begins slowly. "I heard there's a lawsuit in the works."

"From who?"

"From Kakucho Hitto. He's suing South along with five other plaintiffs to get money owed and to break their contracts with him. Your article did a huge number of the artists left in Tenjiku." How had you not heard of this? You'd been in the music scene all this time and--

"When are they making this public?"

"In a week."

You think long and hard before answering. "Can you also get me in contact with Kakucho? I would like to speak with him, too."

"Done deal."

_____________________________________________________________

Your phone rings in the middle of the night, waking you from your uneasy slumber.

"Hello?" you breathe into the phone, not even bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?" You shoot up in the bed, gasping.

"Keizo..." Your breath hitches in your throat as you hold back a sob, scootching back to the headboard of your bed while thinking of something else to say.

"Tell me where you are. I need to see you."

I need to see you.

You mutter your address to the man on the other line, then quickly prepare yourself for his arrival. Though your meager apartment is bare-bones, you try to straighten things up, working around the kitchen and bedroom to put away stray items and dispose of the various takeout containers.

You want everything to look perfect like you're fine, and nothing is wrong.

Everything's fine.

The sound of someone knocking on your door brings you back to the present moment, and you shove the clothes in your hamper down before pushing them inside the closet and shutting the doors.

"Coming." You check through the peephole, then steady yourself, inhaling deeply as you pull the door open.

When you see Keizo's face, everything in you that wanted to pretend like everything was fine begins to waver. You both stand opposite each other, taking in the other's appearance with quick glances and assessing eyes. Keizo looks tired. His grey eyes are sad and listless, and you're sure you look tired, too. You feel tired.

But before you can open your mouth to invite him inside, Keizo embraces you, pulling you close to his chest and hugging you as tightly as he can. You immediately return the hug, inhaling his comforting scent and feeling tears prick at your eyes.

"I'm never letting you out of my sight again," Keizo murmurs in your ear. "Not until that bastard is six feet under the ground."

Just got the keys to the mansion

Something in your mind clicks. You pull back from Keizo and look him in the eye, pressing both hands to his cheeks.

"Tell me you didn't harm South." Keizo's eyes change from tearful to slightly serious. "Tell me that wasn't you."

"I can't lie to you," he answers gently. Keizo leans forward, pressing his forehead to yours. "I want to be with you and put him aside for now."

You grab his hands and look at the small scars healing on his knuckles, smoothing your thumb over the raised ridges.

"Why?" you whisper softly.

"You know why." Keizo takes one of his hands and tilts your chin up. "I'd do anything for you." When he leans forward to kiss you, it's in that moment you know two things:

1. You're wholly invested in whatever connection you have with Keizo, and

2. You'd be playing a dangerous game to tell him anything that wasn't already in the article.

As you stumble into the bedroom, you find yourself under some sort of spell that's captivated you since you met Keizo. "Come back home with me," he whispers in your ear as his hands roam over your naked flesh. "I'll protect you."

"I want to," you whine, spreading your legs for him. "I want you to." Keizo doesn't say anything in response, fingers beginning to move again around your curves and toward your core. You flinch when he touches your pussy, despite being drenched and eager for him.

"South will pay for every time he touched you," he rumbles, playing in your slick with gentle fingers. "For every time he hurt you."

"Keizo, please," you whimper, and his eyes flick up to yours.

"Please what?"

"Please..." you repeat, gripping his upper arms. "Please." Tears run down the sides of your face rapidly, and Keizo removes his hand from you, shushing you as he wipes your tears away with his clean hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he chants softly. "I'm sorry." Kisses dot your cheeks and neck, and Keizo nestles his face into the crook of your neck before sighing. "I've been losing my mind without you. I know I need to take things slow, I do. I'm just trying to..." He struggles with his words. "I just want you to feel good."

"Then just hold me."

It breaks his heart the way you say it, like a wounded animal, but he pulls you close, holding you as he whispers,

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

[tameila]

April Week Four Albums.

April 25th: The Ditty Bops, The Ditty Bops

familiarity: recommended by @thesylversmyth​

favorite(s) before listen: N/A

favorite(s) after listen: Ooh La La, Pale Yellow, Four Left Feet, There’s a Girl

April 26th: Speak For Yourself, Imogen Heap

familiarity: As I mentioned when talking about Frou Frou, Imogen Heap has been in my musical lexicon for some time now. I have always had a particular for “The Walk” from this album, but I think this listen through has “The Moment I Said It” replacing its top place

favorite(s) before listen: Headlock, Goodnight and Go, Hide and Seek, The Walk, Just For Now

favorite(s) after listen: Headlock, Goodnight and Go, Hide and Seek, The Walk, Just For Now, Clear the Area, The Moment I Said It

April 27th: Ellipse, Imogen Heap

favorite(s) before listen: First Train Home, Between Sheets, Canvas

favorite(s) after listen: First Train Home, Between Sheets, Canvas, Swoon, Tidal

April 28th: Life in Cartoon Motion, MIKA

familiarity: I was introduced to MIKA by a friend in school through the song, “Lollipop”. After ever since, I have interacted with his music here and there, but No Place In Heaven is the only album of his that I have listened through fully. which is a real shame, especially since a line in “Stuck in the Middle” gave me pause and I have now discovered that MIKA and I are essentially the same person -- middle of five children with two older sisters and a younger brother and younger sister. like, bestie, call me, i think we’d have a lot to talk about

favorite(s) before listen: Grace Kelly, Lollipop, Love Today, Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

favorite(s) after listen: Added onto the aforementioned list...My Interpretation, Any Other World, Billy Brown, Stuck in The Middle, Erase, Happy Ending

standout lyric: “Are five kids better than one?”

April 29th: The Boy Who Knew Too Much, MIKA

favorite(s) before listen: Rain

favorite(s) after listen: Rain, We Are Golden, Blame It On The Girls, I See You, Good Gone Girl, By The Time

April 30th: The Origin of Love, MIKA

familiarity: I just gotta add a note that “Popular Song” is so...Glee...iykyk

favorite(s) before listen: Popular Song, Emily, Elle Me Dit

favorite(s) after listen: Popular Song, Emily, Elle Me Dit, Origin of Love, Stardust, Make You Happy, Tah Dah

May 1st: No Place in Heaven, MIKA

favorite(s) before listen: Talk About You, Oh Girl You’re The Devil, No Place in Heaven, Staring at the Sun, Good Wife, Rio

favorite(s) after listen: Added onto the aforementioned list, I really enjoyed “The Last Party” and “Good Guys” during this listen through

standout lyric: "maybe I’ll be myself when I’m somebody else”

[therestlesswitch]

Tagged by: @empyreanemerald

Thank you! I love these sorts of things and learning about my followers~

Rules: Answer these questions, then tag 20 blogs you’d like to know better!

Nicknames: In order of oldest nickname to more current ones, bubbles, shibban, sherona, cher, sharebear, kiwi, kai

Zodiac: Pisces Sun, Cancer Moon and Virgo Rising

Height: 5’3ish

Time: 9:33pm

Favorite band/artist: I’ve never really had a favourite artist... but I’ve always had a fondness for regina spektor, imogen heap, sufjan stevens, iron and wine, the weepies and of course great composers like john williams and danny elfman...and all the disney soundtracks 

Song stuck in my head: It Just Is by Rilo Kylie

Last movie I saw: Spiderman, into the Spiderverse (SO GOOD)

Last thing I Googled: The title to It Just Is bc i forgot what it was called lol

Other blogs: KaitheKiwiLoves is my personal. I’m on insta as TheRestlessWitch and kaithekiwi, and twitter as TheRestlessWitch

Do I get asks? Sometimes, but i would always love more!

Why did I choose this username? I’m super restless...and I’m a witch.

Following: 1572...omg i need to thin that out lol though I’m sure most of those aren’t even active anymore.. I’ve been on tumblr for something like 8 years..the add up.

Average amount of sleep: 7ish hours.. but it varies greatly.

What I’m wearing: Grey fleece-lined leggings under jeans, and a grey top.

Dream job: Herbalist with my own cottage practice and medicinal herb garden (think village witch/herbalist combined)

Dream trip: Maybe Oregon to study with some of the great herbalists there, Iceland for sure, and Ireland. And I’d love to spend some time in Indonesia with my sister in law.

Favorite food: Ramen, sashimi, lotus balls, fried chicken.

Play any instruments? I studied piano from age 3-15ish (dad is a piano teacher,) and then guitar from like age 12-18ish but haven’t played either in a long time. I sang with the vocal ensemble in high school, and still sing a lot, but would love to practice formally again.

Eye color: Greenish/hazel

Hair color: Naturally and currently light brown, but it’s been every colour i can think of except yellow and green.

Languages you speak: Just english. Though I was in french emersion from grade 5-8, but now I can only read it and kinda understand it, but can’t speak it.

Most iconic song: Oh gosh, i don’t know. I can’t even pick an artist, how am i going to pick a song??? (iris by the goo goo dolls has always felt really connected though)

Random fact: I danced for 4-7 hours a week in high school, and dancing is the only thing i’ve ever been comfortable doing solo on stage. 

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: Cream swirling into tea, the patterns that christmas tree lights make on the ceiling, the smell of a bookstore, yarn..lots of yarn, the feeling and smell of soil in your hands, collecting jars, a drawer of half-burned candles, deep forests in the spring and autumn, and moos-covered coastal trees.

Tags: Everyone! And here are some of the recommended tags, so no need to feel obligated @tea-rabbits @pottsfieldpumpkins @tarotprose @madamehearthwitch @kitchenwitchcraft

[heroquills-a]

✮  :  ━  mun meme ! ❫

nicknames: Tobes/Toby

zodiac: Sagittarius

height: ...5′2? 5′3?? 5′4??? i haven’t checked in a while ovo;

time: Pacific

favourite band / artist: god there’s too many i don’t have a fave so i’ll just list some off the top of my head; passion pit, crush 40, imagine dragons, imogen heap/frou frou, owl city, mika, fitz and the tantrums, mother mother, the chainsmokers, onerepublic

song stuck in my head: go big or go home - american authors ovo;

last movie i saw: uhhhhh,,,, i think the new wreck it ralph movie

last thing i googled: paypal  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

other blogs: @twotailedwonder , @shadows-of-nocturnus , @water-and-starlight

why did i choose this username: it started off as blue-pincushion and i gradually over time decided i wanted it to be shorter and more ~aesthetic-y~

following: 203

average amount of sleep: heck man i dunno sometimes it’s like 4 hours sometimes it’s literally 16 hours i don’t know how to sleep like a normal person 

what i’m wearing: my work outfit,, i just got home and haven’t changed yet djgfhgj

dream job:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ paleontologist i guess, dinosaurs are cool. but it’s not a job i’m interested in pursuing lmfao

dream trip: to go visit internet friends & maybe go on vacation somewhere tropical, or visit really pretty places

favourite food: sushi

play any instruments: hah!...i wish lmao. would love to learn the piano and the ukulele someday.

hair colour: dark brown

languages you speak:  english

most iconic song: living in the sunlight

random fact: i’m left handed and i hold my pens/pencils really weird compared to most people apparently. i pinch my thumb, index finger, ring finger, and pinky together at the tip of the pencil while my pointer rests against the mid section of the pen to hold it steady.

describe yourself as aesthetic things: uhh starlit night skies, oceans, sea coves, sparkly things, the color blue, cats, misty/foggy woods, colorful fairy lights

Tagged by: i’ve seen so many ppl on my dash telling me to steal it 

Tagging:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[reneehearts]

♔ queen-themed asks ♔

cupboard – are you petty? Not too often but I can be

delilah – do you have any pets? Yes 1 mini Australian shepherd

misfire – do you want any kids? if so, how many? Honestly don’t think so but if I did 1 maaaybe 2

killer queen – what’s an outfit that makes you feel sexy? Bodysuit, bralette, tight jeans (or tight mini skirt) heels

radio gaga – top five favorite songs? Props and mayhem- ptv, the walk- Imogen heap, rock my body- the higher, cardigan, Taylor swift and my tears to boxer- ts

freddie – tell us about someone who has changed your life positively. My best friend Donna she is super supportive, always makes me laugh and smile

brian – what is something you are passionate about? Baseball

john – are you a creative person? Yes

roger – what’s a common misconception about you? I’m not sure actually

deaky – do you have any nicknames? Nay, nay nay, nayners, doots

all dead – when was the last time you cried? Last night lol

don’t stop me now – what’s your go-to happy song? Good life- onerepublic

lover boy – are you a romantic? Not really maybe once in a while

maracas – what’s your prized possession? My dog

bites the dust – bassists or drummers? Drummers

live aid – what’s your dream concert line-up? You me at six, Taylor swift, ptv, Jonas brothers

clean machine – what’s your dream car? Pickup truck

mercury – if you could change your name, would you? Nah

drowse – how do you spend your lazy days? In sweats watching tv, reading, on my my phone

make love – what is your sexuality? Straight

hot space – what’s an unpopular opinion you have? It’s selfish to bring a kid into the world right now with the state of it and so many kids already alive and in foster care/neglected

‘39 – what are you afraid of? Never talking to you again

borhap – are you happy? Ehh

jim – are you in love? Yes

mary – are you friends with any of your exes? It’s complicated but not currently I suppose

mustapha – how many languages do you speak? 1 fluently

flash – favorite movie? Remember the titans

las palabras de amor – what’s the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you? I’m not sure

tenement funster – are you a good flirt? I think no so lmao

rainbow – best concert you’ve ever been to? Jonas brothers reunion 2019 msg and Barclays

scrabble – do you and your friends have any traditions? Yesss

seven seas – where have you always wanted to travel? Germany

keep yourself alive – what keeps you alive? My dog

liar – are you good at sensing when someone is lying to you? Yeah I think so

modern times – if you could go back in time, what decade would you travel to? 1920s

japan – favorite place you’ve traveled to? Key west, San Antonio

garden lodge – what’s your dream home? Has big and bright kitchen, high ceilings, big walk in closet, pantry, screened in porch, a dance studio/room

disco – guilty pleasure? Old school Selena Gomez and the scene music

sunglasses – how’s your eyesight? Terrible omg

1977 – long hair or short hair? Long

smile – when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? Dancer or teacher

cheese toast – favorite food? Ice cream

blazer – do you share your clothes? Sometimes

lap of the gods – if you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be and what would you tell them? That’s tough I’m not positive rn

[roseisread]

You Make Me Not Wanna Die: The return of the Pop Menagerie playlist! It’s been way too long since I posted anything on this blog. My only excuse is that I’ve had a crazy year in my personal life and sometimes internet things take a back seat to self care. But right now, I think my best form of self care is listening to and sharing my pop culture faves so I’m back to do just that. I’m starting off with a playlist that contains songs I love to sing along to, cry along to, dance along to, write along to, and think along to. Almost all of these songs are from albums released in 2017, although there may be an exception here or there for songs released earlier that I only discovered recently.  In any case, here you go. Enjoy!  1. Allie X - That’s So Us If you love Carly Rae Jepsen, you should love Allie X. This song makes me so happy, and also it makes me cry sometimes because it reminds me of those people that you really can be yourself around and they love you anyway. Those people are rare and wonderful, and if you are one of them for me, then thank you. “You make me not wanna die,” as the song says. I love that line so much I used it to title this playlist.  2. The Drums - Shoot the Sun Down Remember these guys? Kind of sunny indie pop, hit it big with “I Don’t Know How To Love” off of their album Portamento back in 2012? Yeah. They are still here, still awesome, and the album this came from just gives me shivers it’s so freaking great. Also, I joke that this song is dedicated to my cat when she tries to bite and scratch me at night, because of that repeating line, “I put a blanket over my face.” Nena, this one’s for you. 3. Knuckle Puck - Conduit I have such a goddamn soft spot for emo-leaning pop punk, you guys. I can’t even lie. As a bonus, they’re from the Chicago area so technically I can claim them as a local band. This song reminds me of the best of Blink 182, early Jimmy Eat World, and maybe even a little Brand New. I also love the lyrics, with their references to grinding teeth and lucid dreams. Definitely relatable for me. 4. MUNA - End of Desire You might be familiar with MUNA if you love Tegan and Sara, because this band appears on The Con: X covering Relief Next To Me. I love the way their voices blend, and I love the vulnerability of the lyrics. This song is open to interpretation, but it seems to allude to having feelings for another person that you didn’t ask for but can’t get rid of. Who hasn’t been there?  5. Kiasmos - Jarred The Icelandic duo is back with more incredible, chilly electronic tunes that almost sound like icicles forming or frost creeping up the inside of your window pane in the night. This song definitely makes me want to hop the next plane to Reykjavik and spend a week sipping dark liquor in some poorly lit club that only the locals know about.  6. MUTEMATH - War You know about my love of MUTEMATH by now. Their latest album goes in so many different directions musically--not just from one song to the next but within the space of a single track. This one is a banger live, and one of my favorites on the album. Lyrically, it reminds me of my own not so great tendency to get heated as I try to convince someone they’re wrong and I’m right. A good debate is healthy sometimes, but not everything needs to be a battle for the ages. “War’s in my nature,” all right. But I’m trying to find a way toward peace. 7. Cat Dealers/Groove Delight - Calabria This is just a sick dance track. I can’t claim to know all that much about Cat Dealers, although I know they hail from Rio de Janeiro and that this song makes me want to tear it up on the dancefloor or the living room or the driver’s seat of my car. Groove Delight is Brazilian as well, making me think I probably need to go to Brazil sooner rather than later to discover what other booty shaking gems I’ve been missing.  8. Converge - A Single Tear Can you believe these guys have been around for 27 years? This song encapsulates so many things I love about them, from their always insane percussion to the insistent guitar melodies to the impassioned vocals of Jacob Bannon. The lyrics (which allude to “holding you for the first time,” presumably about becoming a parent) are so sweet, a word that doesn’t probably come up in a lot of reviews of metal and hardcore songs but still, I stand by it.  9. Luna Shadows - Jesus Christ (Brand New cover) I have always loved this song, and it’s awesome to hear a young up and coming artist take it on. She really puts her own spin on this classic of the emo genre, and I look forward to hearing more original tunes from her.  10. ROMES - Someone I just saw these guys open for MUTEMATH and they have so much energy live! Canadian by way of Ireland, they bring out anthemic indie pop tunes that are just irresistible. I’m reminded a little bit of Peter Gabriel and a little bit of Bastille, but not in a derivative way.  11. Fever Ray - Red Trails Ahhhhh! Fever Ray is back!!!! It’s been way too long since we’ve heard from her, but the album that she just released online helps make up for the absence because it just kills. She still has that haunting, hypnotic voice layered on top of unexpected instrumentation and arrhythmic beats. The lyrics are mysterious and dark. There’s something sexy about it but not in a Britney Spears way. She sounds kind of dangerous but you can’t help but want to follow her wherever she’s going.  12. ABRA - Bounty Speaking of hypnotic and sexy, ABRA is definitely both. Based in Atlanta, she sounds like she’s based in another planet altogether. Her off kilter brand of R&B does not fit any category--she has this supple voice that leads us along across breathy beats and frantic counter melodies. It’s unsettling and gorgeous at the same time.  13. Tove Lo - Disco Tits Tove Lo is my ride or die. She’s unabashedly herself in all her nympho trashy glory, and I adore her for it. I promise I’m not into club drugs, but Euro pop songs about them sure are fun. I put this song on the car radio when I’m driving to work just to wake myself up and then have to make sure my phone volume is on mute before I walk into the office because “nipples are hard ready to go” is probably not appropriate lyrical content for the workplace.  14. Golden Features - Funeral Tom Stell, aka Golden Features, has sold out tours in his native country of Australia but it won’t belong before he’s selling out everywhere. This track makes me want to see him in an underground dance club at 4am. It’s fire.  15. Jessie Ware - Stay Awake, Wait For Me Another one of my faves is back! I love her upbeat songs but this is one of those instant classic pop ballads, and I had to find a spot for it on this list. It’s intimate and romantic and sexy in a grown up way. Don’t put this song on if you’re trying to be celibate, is all I’m saying.  16. Hundred Waters - Particle If you miss Imogen Heap/Frou Frou, you should most definitely be listening to Hundred Waters. Nicole Miglis has that hushed tone in her voice that belies intense feeling, and the skittering electronic elements fill the spaces in between as a sort of musical representation of anxiety and uncertainty. This song, about a romantic coupling that seems lopsided. “I’m only a particle, a drop in you, forever dissolving,” she sings. Damn. 

17. The Tuts- Dump Your Boyfriend What’s not to love about this UK based garage girl group? This song describes the kind of toxic relationship that it’s easy to criticize from the outside but harder to shake when you’re the one who’s in love with an asshole.  18. Fellwarden - Sun of an Ending This kind of moody, atmospheric black metal is so soothing to me. It feels ancient and primal, like the old gods are still roaming the land slaying dragons and protecting those that live in their realm. If you’re a black metal fan, you may recognize the vocals as those of Fen frontman The Watcher.   19. Palehound - Silver Toaster On Boston-based Palehound’s second album, the writing sounds more self-assured and the songs even more personal than those on the debut. Frontwoman Ellen Kempner attributes this in part to being more comfortable in her own skin as a queer-identifying woman, and in part to being in her first healthy adult relationship. This song is short and simple, but I love the unexpected turns of phrase and imagery, like the line, “hack off my split ends.” There are plenty of bands doing the whole DIY stripped down aesthetic, but this one rises above the rest. If you were into artists like Kimya Dawson and Mary Lou Lord, you should definitely be paying attention to Palehound. 

20. Kelsea Ballerini - Miss Me More Nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy earlier this year, Kelsea Ballerini hits the ground running on her latest release. She’s been writing songs since she was 12 years old and listening to Britney, Christina, and N Sync. Something about the fact that she considers Shania her biggest influence really charms me. I am obsessed with this song, which I can relate to on a very personal level. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve compromised yourself for another person until you don’t have them in your life anymore and suddenly the real you starts to re-emerge.  21. The Maharajas - Too Late To Repent If you hear this song and think it must be a re-release of some little known 1960s garage rock/British Invasion group, I don’t blame you. I wondered that myself. But it turns out these Swedish dudes have only been active since the 90s, and they are still recording music that sounds like it’s from a bygone era. A little Kinks, a little Beatles, a little surf rock--it’s all here and it’s all great.  22. Margo Price - Don’t Say It This Illinois native was signed by Jack White to Third Man Records, and she recorded her debut album at Sun Studios in Memphis. Both of those things make sense upon hearing her traditional country sound. She has one of those clear, classic voices that really do harken back to the Lorettas and Patsys and Tammys. Her second album even features a duet with Willie Nelson, proving that she’s definitely earned her classic country bonafides.  23. Peaness - Skin Surfing OK, yes, initially I was drawn to this 3-piece English band because of their silly name. But once I heard the first guitar strums and vocal harmonies, I was truly done for. Formed in 2014, they have songs about everything from wasting food just because it doesn’t look aesthetically pleasing (”Ugly Veg”) to George Osborne of Brexit fame (”Oh George”). This song is very seductive while staying playful and affirming consent. I dig the occasional Veruca Salt vibes it dips into as well.  24. Dori Freeman - Ern & Zorry’s Sneakin’ Bitin’ Dog I guess an acapella song about a mean neighbor dog might be an odd choice for a playlist but it’s so adorable I couldn’t leave it out. Dori Freeman, who cites Peggy Lee and Rufus Wainwright as her major influences, hails from Virginia and her songs have an Appalachian flavor. I predict a T-Bone Burnett collaboration in her future.    25. The Blow - Summer It’s hard to believe The Blow has existed in some form for going on 20 years, but it’s true. The K Records vets continue to release hypnotic, electronic indie pop with a lo-fi feel, and this song has been stuck in my head from the first listen. It’s a simple melody but good luck escaping that hook.  26. Austra - Beyond a Mortal The Canadian dark wave is back with their third album, this time recorded in Mexico. For this particular track, singer Katie Stelmanis says she recorded the vocals over 100 times to achieve the hushed, whispery effect. The rest of the album, titled Future Politics, is a meditation on the state of the world as it is now and what we all wish it could become.  27. MGMT - Little Dark Age Finally! It’s been 5 years since MGMT’s last album, and even longer since the world sat up and took notice of them. This lead single off their upcoming album makes me think that they’re poised to re-take the synth pop throne. This song has elements of their earliest work, but it also incorporates bits of industrial and even krautrock. I listen and think Depeche Mode! Kraftwerk! Skinny Puppy! So many of my musical faves somehow distilled into a single track. I can only hope that the rest of the album lives up to this single. 28. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Ring-a-Ring O’Roses To me, there’s always been an otherworldly quality to Charlotte Gainsbourg’s voice. She took some time off from music to do some acting, notably in Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac volume 1 and volume 2 and Melancholia. Those films required heavy lifting and emotional degradation, which perhaps allowed her to tap into a deeper place when recording the songs for this album, her first in seven years. The video for this song features Gainsbourg’s son, carrying on the family tradition started by Charlotte and her father Serge Gainsbourg.  29. Sun Glitters - Where the End Begins If there’s one thing I love, it’s shimmery electronic music. And Sun Glitters, who hails from Luxembourg, produces just that. Rarely does an artist’s name so aptly describe their sound, but this is one such perfect marriage. If you enjoy the likes of Gold Panda, Boards of Canada, Fennesz, Teen Daze, or Blackbird Blackbird, you will definitely dig this sound. 

[lakesandquarries]

Great White Gravity - Chapter Two

Pairings: taako/kravitz, taako & angus mcdonald Characters: taako, kravitz, angus mcdonald Other Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, sazed sucks, ango and his 2 dads, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, sad boys Warnings: sazed, ptsd,  Summary: In the aftermath of the goblet, Taako tries to deal. Other Notes: hella spoilery. title from “lifeline” by imogen heap shoutout to @juicywizards for their amazing fanart!!

AO3

In the morning, Taako remembers why he never shares a bed with anyone.

For one thing, it inevitably ends with someone on the floor. He wakes up with his face pushed against the carpet, fibers probably being absorbed into his face. He does not have enough cleanser for this. Sighing, he pushes himself up, cringing at the feeling of lint clinging to his face.

Ugh.

Angus, meanwhile, is curled up in Taako’s bed. Taako’s big, beautiful, soft bed. He's even cuddling with Taako's sleep sack.

Whatever. It's not like he needs any more sleep. He stands, stretching his limbs and wincing at the series of cracks and pops. He takes a moment to glance in his mirror, trying to brush the carpet bits off his face, making sure his hair looks decent, adjusting his lacy pink nightgown.

He leaves Angus. Kids need sleep, right? Probably.

As he walks into the living room, Magnus waves. “Yo,” he calls. “You sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Taako says. It's only a half lie, really.

“Then why did I hear the door open at like, four am?”

….fuck.

“Uh,” Taako says, twisting one of his rings. “Look, Magnus -”

“You don't have to lie,” Magnus says. “I get it. Nightmares, right?”

“...maybe,” Taako admits.

Magnus stands and walks over to Taako. Elves are supposed to be taller than humans, but Magnus is tall and Taako's short, and Magnus is almost exactly a head taller than him.

Magnus holds his arms out, a wordless offering, but Taako makes a show of rolling his eyes and huffing before he accepts the hug. Magnus is good at hugs. He's like a dog, almost, big and soft and sometimes a little scary looking until you realize all he wants is to be friends. Taako lets Magnus envelop him, leaning all his weight on the human until Magnus is basically holding him up.

It's...nice. He'd never admit it out loud, of course, but there's something nice about letting someone else hold him. He lets himself zone out, shutting his eyes.

He wakes up two hours later, on the couch, Magnus still holding him.

“Heyyy,” Magnus says, patting Taako's hair. “You fell asleep hugging me.”

“I'm dead,” Taako says. “This is the worst thing to ever happen to me.”

Magnus pets his hair. Taako longs for death’s sweet embrace.

….speaking of. He sits up quickly, nearly falling off the couch. There’s a half-formed idea in the back of his head, working its way to actual thought.

Kravitz is dead. Therefore, if Taako fed him poisoned food, he’d be totally fine. And Taako could spin it as a romantic date, instead of him being a fucked up mess.

It’s perfect. A grin makes its way onto his face, and Magnus looks at him.

“Taako? You okay there bud?”

“Peachy,” Taako says. “I just had the best idea.”

“You wanna share, or…?”

“Nope!” Taako shouts, shoving himself off of Magnus and rushing to his room. He ignores Angus, still asleep on the bed, and digs through the pockets of his cape.

“Where is it, where is it…” he mutters, wishing he kept his pockets neater. Finally, underneath three candy wrappers and a ring, he finds what he’s looking for - his Stone of Farspeech. He glances at Angus before he calls Kravitz.

“Yo, Kravitz, my dude, you there?” Not his best opening, but whatever. He can work with it.

“Taako?” Kravitz asks.

“Got it in one. I was wonderin’ if you’d maybe like to….Come stop by? Hang out?”

Kravitz is silent on the other end.

Shit, Taako thinks. Shit, shit shit.

“Is this for business, or for pleasure?” Kravitz asks.

Taako grins. “Pleasure,” he tells Kravitz, voice smooth and with no trace of the panic he was feeling just a few seconds ago.

Kravitz makes a noise. Taako’s not entirely sure what it means - confusion, maybe? But he continues on. “I was thinking, our last….Meeting ended kinda abruptly, right? So maybe you could do you little rift thing again, come over at….well, time’s a little weird up on the moonbase, but let’s say in six hours?”

“Oh,” Kravitz says. “I would…” He mumbles something about jobs he has, and Taako can hear him flip through some papers and write something down, and finally Kravitz speaks again. “I can’t get there for nine hours,” he says, sounding genuinely sorry. “Would that be alright?”

“Yeah, that’d work,” Taako says, trying his best to sound like he doesn’t even care if Kravitz takes nine hours or three or two days. Gotta be cool.

“So. It’s a date, then?” Kravitz asks.

“It’s a date. Wear something nice,” Taako says, and Kravitz snorts.

“I’ll see you then, Taako.” Kravitz ends the call.

Nine hours. He can definitely be ready by then. He just has to get everyone of the suite, take a long shower, make sure he looks perfect, and cook an entire meal.

He can do this.

“Sir?”

Oh, fuck.

“Who was that?” Angus asks, tilting his head at Taako.

“How much did you hear?” Taako asks in response.

“Are you really going on a date, sir?” he asks, with a face that can only be described as “delighted”.

“Hells yeah,” Taako says, grinning at Angus.

“Who’s it with? Do I know them? Are they nice? Are they part of the Bureau? Are they -”

“Woah, woah, Ango, slow down. You don’t know him, he’s cool, and he’s not part of the Bureau.”

Angus frowns. “But if he’s not part of the Bureau, why’re you inviting him here? How are you inviting him? The Director won’t be happy, if she finds out.”

“Um,” Taako says. “Well, uh….He’s aware of the Bureau? It’s complicated, don’t worry yourself about it.”

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna tell me,” Angus says. “What’s his name?”

“I’ll tell you his name but you gotta promise not to tell anyone else. Okay?”

Angus nods, rolling his eyes.

“His name is Kravitz. And no one can know about that, okay?”

“Okay, okay. Can I meet him?”

“Maybe some other day.” Probably never.

“Okay!” Angus says, still looking delighted. Taako grins at him.

“Now, you gotta go back to your room, cause I need to prepare.” He makes a motion to push Angus and the boy nods, scurrying off the bed. He glances back at Taako, hand on the doorknob.

“Thanks, Sir,” he says quietly, a tentative smile on his face. Taako’s about to say something snarky, but he stops himself.

“Anytime, Ango,” he says, and Angus nods at him before slipping out of the room.

----

As it turns out, nine hours is just enough time. Taako takes an hour long bath, first, then takes another half hour just to dry off and fix his hair, and then it’s two hours to get dressed and do makeup, leaving him with five and a half hours to cook and get Magnus and Merle out of the suite.

Which, speaking of, he has an idea.

“Angus!” he says as he turns his Stone to Angus’s channel. “Ango, I need your help!”

“What do you need?” Angus says a moment later, sounding slightly out of breath.

“I need you to get Mags and Merle out of the suite.”

“I can do that, Sir!” Angus says cheerfully. “I’m great at distracting people. It’s an important part of being a detective! How long, and when?”

“As long as you can. I won’t need you to for another couple of hours, but I’m gonna need them gone. Can’t have those bozos screwing up my date.”

Taako can practically hear Angus nod. “Okay! Call me when you need me!” he says, and then, almost as an afterthought, he adds, “I love you!” and hangs up.

Fuck him, Taako might think he loves the kid back. He quickly takes his feelings and pushes them as far down as possible. Fuck that shit.

This is no time for feelings. It’s time for cooking.

He shoos Merle and Magnus out of the kitchen, quite literally, and makes a frankly unreasonable amount of food. Some of it is the kind of simple shit he makes Merle and Magnus all the time, which he nearly throws at them. While they’re eating round one he makes a quick call to Angus, telling him to do his thing

“You’re in a mood,” Merle comments as a sandwich nearly hits him in the face.

“Hello, Sirs!” Angus says as he opens to door to the suite.

“Oh god,” Merle says. “Who invited him?”

Angus’s shoulders slump. “I just wanted to ask you guys for some help…” he says quietly.

“What d’you need, Ango?” Magnus asks, ruffling the boys hair. Angus grins at Taako, and Taako gives him a thumBs up before vanishing back into the kitchen.

“I wanted to ask if you and Merle would….train me, maybe?” He whispers the last part, still loud enough that Taako can hear, continuing with, “I know Taako already is but he can only train me in magic and I wanna learn other stuff too!”

“Ugh,” Merle complains.

“Shush,” Magnus says. “Of course, Angus! Wanna go to the icosagon?”

“Yes!” Angus says, and Taako doesn’t have to look to know there’s stars in Angus’s eyes. He listens to Merle make a few more half-assed protests before the sound of the door closing and then blissful silence.

The silence lasts about ten seconds, immediately replaced by the sound of cooking and Taako’s loud, off-key singing.

He goes for something kinda simple. Pasta.

From scratch.

So, okay, not that simple. He’s got the dough ready when he realizes he has no way to flatten it into actual noodle shapes. He takes a deep breath.

Okay. He just has to reshape them with magic. It’s not even transmutation magic. He can do this.

It takes him twenty minutes to reshape the dough into noodles.

He leaves the noodles for now, letting them sit, and getting started on his sauce. Just a simple marinara tonight.

He can do this, he reminds himself, shutting his eyes and transmuting a cut in half tomato into a whole tomato.

Everything will be fine.

It’s incredible how much someone can cook in three hours. By the time all the food is ready, he has half an hour to set the table, which he manages in fifteen minutes, leaving him with just enough time to have a panic attack.

What if it tastes awful? What if he someone manages to kill an already dead man? What if Kravitz realizes how stupid and awful and pathetic he is?

Stop, he thinks. He can’t start crying now, he’ll ruin his makeup and he absolutely does not have the time to redo it all. He takes a deep breath, then another, than a third, until he’s breathing like a normal person again.

He’s fine. It’s fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

….probably.

[mixtapeonwheels]

My Own Mental Health Journey

This one is a tough one to write. But at the same time, I was inspired by Kaylor Betts, creation of the Mental Wealth Project, by his own openness. I can only hope that by my choice to be as open as I can be about my own mental health journey, it will give people the permission to get help when needed, and not feel the shame and guilt I once felt. 

Let’s travel backwards in time to when I was 16 or 17. I’ve grown up in a family of very manly men, or at least manly by the standard profile that all of us males are supposed to fit. They are gruff, they are tough, they love sports, barely speak about their emotions, and never cry. I was one of these men.

Or at least, I thought I was supposed to be. But I wasn’t. I was deeply emotional, I thought about love, friendship, I had moments of elation and moments of deep sorrow. I can distinctly remember marrying my grade 4 girlfriend in the middle of the soccer field on the playground, and crying crocodile tears into the fur of my cat in grade 10 when my first real girlfriend broke up with me. She had her best friend call me to do the deed, and I laid there on the floor blaring “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap. It was quite the sight to see, to say the least. 

There was a very specific profile I was supposed to fit, but I continuously failed at filling those shoes - that fucked me up for a long time. And since all the men in my life were like that (and realistically, the internet and social media were in their infancy), I had nowhere else to look. This is what a man was supposed to be. So I tried to deny my emotions. I tried to deny the chatty side of me, the part that wanted to know all and wanted to tell all. It created a ton of internal turmoil. I had naturally developed a lot of close friendships with girls because the girls I knew were emotional and talkative, and so I was dealing with opposing sides. 

The details of how long this lasted, or what finally snapped me out of it is fairly blurry. All I can tell you is that at some point, I decided that this was who I was supposed to be. At that age, it’s still seen as weak to have real emotions, and to express them unapologetically. But I decided that if I was to break the mold, I’d have to shatter it, I guess. I let my emotions fly. Perhaps this was the first step in true self acceptance. I shudder to think who I would’ve become if I had kept denying that within myself. 

Our story takes us next to when I was 24. I was in a relationship with a woman 4 years younger than me. Things had been good for the first year and a half - we were in an amazing honeymoon period filled with love, secret tumblr posts directed at each other, cute selfies, camping trips, and gifts targeted to get that special cry out of one another. 

But something shifted. Maybe life got too real for me, complacency set in, or I stopped pushing myself forward. Exhaustion was ever-present; I wanted to sleep all the time, I had no interest in sex, and I had this doom and gloom mentality that just wouldn’t leave me. Realistically, I had no idea what was going on, all I knew was I felt off. I was so miserable and upset all the time. Projects that I had planned out weren’t getting done, training was a slum at the best of times it seemed. Unfair to her, I put a lot of this on my relationship. if she was happy, then I was allowed to be happy. Now, granted, she did not handle it well, but I think in my older years I’ve understood she was a bit too young to understand what was going on either.

I started seeing a therapist. Thankfully having a diagnosed anxiety disorder allows you access resources if you know where to look. To add to that, I work for a company that would let me take 3 hours of time off every month to drive back to my home town and go to the session, with no questions asked. I’ve been pretty blessed as i muddled through my own waters of figuring out mental health. 

Before I go any further, I should explain the anxiety disorder. And you thought I forgot about you, didn’t I?

My mother had been telling me I had an anxiety disorder since I was very, very young. She remembered it starting around grade 4, and I remember it continuing into junior high and high school. There were nights fighting with my parents about going to bed because I hadn’t memorized everything I needed to know for the test, only to score in the mid-90s anyways. I remember stressing all day about a project I had to finish, procrastinating the shit out of it, and then staying up until 1 to finish it and once again getting an amazing mark. Rinse and repeat. It was hell. The fucked up thing was, I thought this was just normal. This was how it was supposed to be, and everyone else was dealing with the same thing, and I was just awful at handling it. Look at all these other kids, looking relaxed and shit, while I’m burning through my shirts with sweat, thinking about the test we have in 3 days that I haven’t even started studying for. How lucky are they.

Enter my therapist. Enter her telling me in a mid-afternoon on weekday, that this was in fact not what people went through. This was intense anxiety. This was my own, personal hell.

If I appear to jump around a lot, it’s not intentional. But it’s pretty rare that I go through my own mental health journey in one story, so sometimes I remember things in the middle of explaining something else. Maybe I’ll fix it, or maybe i won’t. Who knows. 

I went to that particular therapist for about a year. When I started, I had a girlfriend, but she was distancing herself. The relationship was fading, she was loving me less, and I don’t think she was capable of dealing with what was throwing her way. When i had told her I was dealing with depression, she asked why I hadn’t told her. To this day, my only answer can be that I had no idea what it was. I didn’t know what it looked like, or how to fix it. 

So, she left. I was devastated. I sat in front of my mom on my parent’s couch, and in between sobs said, “I....don’t....know....how....I’ll....do....this.”

I continued to go to therapy. I was open. I was honest. My therapist was old enough to be my grandmother, and she was sweet. She was honest, she asked questions about my thoughts. I also invested heavily in personal growth. There were podcasts I listened to religiously (shout out to Jordan Harbinger), there were books that I read, and I did tons of research on depression. One of the best things i had ever chosen to do was not ignore my enemy, but know him better than he knew himself. 

The path forward from there was messy. There were times I pulled over on the side of the road and cried for a minute. My therapist had advised that when I felt something, don’t bottle it up - give yourself the freedom to feel that emotion for the moment, as that’s likely all it will last. So I did. I cried randomly and at all different times, but eventually I felt better. I created a list of everything that had ever made me anxious, and forced myself to do all of them. I competed in my first powerlifting competition, went to a speed dating night, went to southeast Asia, made new friends, went to shows, tried online dating, and did so many things that would’ve scared the shit out of the old me. My comfort zone expanded, and I never have really let it decrease in size since then.

At some point, I also decided to jump on medication. I had always been concerned that medication would change my personality, because I kind of liked the doom and gloom. I found I had really profound thoughts sitting in my sadness - or at least, what I thought were profound. But at one point, someone described medication as a way to get your lower baseline mood to the same place everyone else’s is naturally at. Depression can be like standing in a basement, below a window. Your friend whose standing on a stool asks why you can see the flowers. Medication is your own stool.

So, I started taking something. But, it really didn’t change things drastically. It took a long time to find the right fit, and something that actually felt like my mood was improving, without being overbearing, overwhelming, fake happiness. It was a balancing act, and some days i feel like it’s not there yet, and some days it does. 

One thing I realized over the years was how much the gym shaped me, and how much it molded me. I was an anxious kid. And when I entered that weight room and had that to focus on, it felt like the one place my brain slowed down and allowed me to just breathe and...be. I still feel that way every time I lift. I’m thankful every day that I had someone to show me that weight room - they probably saved my life. It’s a shitty cliche that “the gym is my therapy” but in a lot of ways, it really was. That was, and always will be my place to go when things feel like they’re spinning out of control.

I won’t pretend this is the end of my mental health journey. I’ve been open with every person I’ve dated, close friends, and family members about the things I go through, when it’s necessary and the time is right. Some people know more than others, and that’s how I feel it needs to be. I will never put this on someone else, I will never ask someone to be my beacon of happiness again. 

To those that are suffering, I feel for you. Let this blog post be an invitation to reach out whenever you feel the need to talk. Having to go through these experiences has brought me closer to good friends, it’s made my relationship with my parents more solid, and it has forced me to look inwards and really peel apart my own layers.

Know that your own journey has immense value. Know that it makes you who you are, but does not define you. Know that others that are suffering need to hear it. You are not alone.

[cronagorgon]

Identity asks...oh shit. Do all 30!!!

damn damn ok

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?damn lemme think….. i mean i guess just reading keter scp pages would be a start.. there’s a few i LOVE though like 093 and 2264.. then just, LOTS of mcelroy content and scary game squad videos (on jesse cox’s youtube channel)

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?have i ever found a what…. no… not really

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.http://drakenlong.tumblr.com/shipsi identify at least a little bit with anyone from the “partners” list really, but i especially identify with crona gorgon from soul eater + lapis lazuli from steven universe

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?yeah i mean.. no i guess i don’t like my ““real”““ name but the name i have now, drake, i picked because it fits me (though i wouldn’t mind being called any variation of “dragon” in any language. its all the same)

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?oh doing for sure. i don’t feel real like.. even a little bit. just a meat machine accidentally affecting others’ lives

6. are you religious/spiritual?i guess. i don’t worship any…..thing, but i believe in a natural energy that flows within everything, that’s higher than us + even this one dimension

7. do you care about your ethnicity?i’m white, so no, not really. if i knew where i came from though, (which i suspect may have been in or near italy) yeah i’d be more into it

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?ehhhh not a lot? imogen heap is one just by her song “hide and seek” (i know nothing of the actual artist). i don’t know what it means really or if it has a concrete meaning but it’s been a favorite of mine for years. more recently though i heard “self” by ANIMA! and it too is relatable, though i can’t really speak for their other music

9. are you an artist?i like to think so. i draw stuff sometimes so thats like, a start. is it good though, or meaningful? i can’t really say

10. do you have a creed?i don’t really know what a creed is so i googled it, and going by the definition that it’s a set of steadfast beliefs then… hell no

11. describe your ideal day.going somewhere new to eat, miraculously liking the food (therefore discovering something new i like), going shopping in antique + gem/new age stores & finding something unique, old, haunted, or just the sort of thing i never knew i wanted, then coming home & making a favorite meal that turns out perfect, then eating it while watching a video or new episode i’ve been wanting to see

12. dog person or cat person?dogs.. cats are really cute but i’m allergic ):

13. inside or outdoors?inside but there are times and places outdoors that i adore, like quiet gardens in early morning.. just a little warm, with the sound of a bubbling stream

14. are you a musician?absolutely not. i can play instruments and i guess i can make shit up but i never really found any real interest in making music

15. five most influential books over your lifetime.(trying + failing to even come up with 5 books ive read in my whole life) haha yeah totally. anyway books ive loved: here there be dragons (james a. owen); the last dragon (silvana de mari); half world (hiromi goto); moribito, guardian of the spirit (nahoko uehashi); how to train your dragon (cressida cowell); the dragonet prophecy (tui t. sutherland); deltora quest series..es (jennifer rowe); and guardians of ga’hoole series (kathryn lasky). i know thats more than 5 but these are pretty much the only books ive ever read other than some school assigned stuff.. some short stories by ray bradbury (all very good).. i remember reading the guardians of ga'hoole, deltora quest, + how to train your dragon serieses? series? when i was really young + i loved every book. they were fantastic. could not tell you if they were any good today but u know what? thats ok. im keepin the nostalgia as it is. the other books i read more recently.. half world + moribito were VERY good bc they were.. unique. stories i didn’t often see in my school library. i remember feeling incredibly sad having to return moribito specifically, and i remember it went on the bottom shelf of the library, and that it was not a month after id graduated that the school flooded with about a foot of water and i thought that it must’ve ruined it ):

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?absolutely. i grew up one of the most deadly environments for someone like me and yet here i am. perhaps id be more successful, id be flourishing, id be doing the things ive always wanted to do, but i think i’d still be the way i am now personality-wise

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?uhhhh random shit that dont make sense? maybe so

18. what’s your patronus?i think there’s like a test for this but i’m not gonna take it. if i had to pick an animal as my patronus i figure it’d be a dragon. i’ve always been really close to dragons and more recently discovered that i’m dragon kin, so i don’t see why not

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?i don’t know. sometimes i think i’d be in ravenclaw, but other times i figure i might fit better in slytherin or maybe ….. none? they’re all a little bit relatable but none are really “me” you know

20. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?literally anywhere other than here would be fantastic and of course my hyperfixation is always fluctuating and i could just name what i’m into right now but honestly? it’d be great to live in beach city. nobody has to pay for anything or do anything particularly difficult, everyone’s friends, nobody gets mad when you come out as gay. its good stuff all around

21. do you love easily?yes and no? i get attached to stuff easily but i feel like i can just as easily get over anything at the drop of a hat. there are only a few things that really make me tear up and many of them are things i never personally interacted with.. and one is a toy i used to have?

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.uhh fuckin sleeping, eating?, sitting, watchin videos, fuckin drawing, typing. thats 6? whatever

23. how often would you want to see your family every year?never. 0 times. fuckin absolutely not

24. have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?a what. no. i’ve never connected with another human person in my entire life

25. could you live as a hermit?Hell Yeah babey

26. how would you describe your gender/sexuality?its unbelievable how badly i wanted to just post a meme or like, a picture of my favorite character + thats it but also that would break my theme of text only and no pictures so i guess i gotta describe it for real. i’m agender but masc presenting (whether that’s to distance myself from being a girl as quickly as possible or just because of trauma + fear of being a cis girl, i’ll never know) + my sexuality is complicated but im polyamorous and at least grey-asexual + panromantic with a strong preference for boys (with this combination i sometimes refer to myself as mlm)

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?yeah i think so. id like to be taller but beggars cant be choosers ig. i’m a good mixture of “kinda ok, pretty sharp, weird but in a way i cant describe (its because my face is VERY asymmetrical but you cant tell unless you edit a picture of me lmao)” so thats like, a good aesthetic i guess

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?uhhh about a 1. maybe a 0.5. but i don’t usually express this, because then i’d be picking fights withhhh everybody. does that technically put it at a 10 then? who knows

29. three songs that you connect with right now.i guess i already said this but right NOW…. self, the bleeding of mercy, and down down? or maybe grace kelly (down down is very feminine even if it is a Mood)

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.well i have a few but the first one that popped into my head was: “All Alone!Whether you like it or not,Alone will be somethingyou’ll be quite a lot.” -Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You’ll Go

[hexterah]

(This mix was originally posted on LJ in February of 2008. I’m putting all my old fanmixes online w/ the info here! :D)

IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED THE FIRST BIOSHOCK, THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS FANMIX (just a warning XD)

1960. Your name is Jack. You're the only survivor in a plane crash in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Surprisingly, you find yourself near a curious tower jutting out of the water. You wade over, climb inside and find yourself in a sprawling underwater city, complete with clubs, apartments, factories and leaks. What was this place created for? Who created it? Why? How? It's a technical marvel, why hasn't it been all over the news? These are the questions you are searching for answers to, until more questions materialize, that is. Such as "Who is Atlas and why am I helping him?", "Why is my hand seething fire, insects and electricity?", "Why are these gigantic robots suddenly out for my head?" and "Oh dear god, why is that little girl chugging the red fluid she just needled out of that corpse?" Society here has collapsed, the people have gone absolutely out of their minds, everyone is jacked up on plasmids and now you're stuck in the middle of it. Welcome to Rapture.

Fanmix on Playmoss!: https://playmoss.com/en/hexterah/playlist/would-you-kindly-a-bioshock-fanmix (a couple of the songs won’t play on PM cause of the companies that have their music blocked -- they can be found on the actual youtube site though, if you wanted to hunt down the songs under the cut that the playlist skips~) 

bobby darin .. BEYOND THE SEA ... it's far beyond the stars it's near beyond the moon I know beyond a doubt my heart will lead me there soon ...

[ Take the bathysphere on down to your hometown. ]

................ 

Ignore the lies of Atlas and his parasites. Rapture is on the rise.

................

shiny toy guns .. STARTS WITH ONE ... only three i can’t seem to get enough anyway i can’t speak nothing to say anyway let’s show them the only way let’s show them our hearts ...

[ Don't mind the leaks or the bodies. Just watch your step. ] ................ Andrew Ryan asks you a simple question: are you a man or a slave? ................ temposhark f. imogen heap .. NOT THAT BIG ... I can cut my heart out just like you do and I can suck the life out of it just like you do i'm gonna pick myself up and pull myself together; never revel in recovery mode for when commitment is a dirty word you can't afford to ever slip or let down your guard ...

[ It might feel a little funny with the first injection, Jack. Just a little. ]

................ The Little Sisters Orphanage: In troubled times, give your little girl the life that she deserves. Boarding and education free of charge! After all, children ARE the future of Rapture. ................ the cure .. LULLABY ... on candystripe legs the spiderman comes softly through the shadow of the evening sun stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead looking for the victim shivering in bed searching out fear in the gathering gloom ...

[ Andrew Ryan is your God among Men. ] ................ Approaching a Little Sister is a criminal offense. Do not approach the Little Sisters. ................ gerard mcmann .. CRY LITTLE SISTER ... cry little sister (thou shall not fall) come to your brother (thou shall not die) unchain me sister (thou shall not fear) love is with your brother (thou shall not kill) ...

[ It's up to you, Jack, whether they're rescued or harvested, which means it's up to you whether the big brother in their chemically-enhanced fucked-up-beyond-repair family saves them or kills them and takes all the spoils as his own. ]

................ We all have bills to pay, and the temptation to break curfew to make a little extra ADAM is forgivable. Breaking the curfew is not. Stay on the level, and out of trouble. ................ three days grace .. NEVER TOO LATE ... no one will ever see this side reflected and if there's something wrong who would have guessed it and I have left alone everything that I own to make you feel like it's not too late it's never too late ...

[ People forget that the Big Daddies were once human too. ] ................ The smuggler is the friend of the parasite. It is your duty to report the smuggler. ................ radiohead .. ALL I NEED ... I am the next act waiting in the wings I am an animal trapped in your hot car I am all the days that you choose to ignore you are all I need you are all I need I am in the middle of your picture lying in the reeds ...

[ "Plasmids changed everything. They destroyed our bodies, our minds. We couldn't handle it. Best friends butchering one another, babies strangled in cribs. The whole city went to hell." ] ................ Rumor is the tool of the parasite. Fontaine is dead; Rapture lives. ................ videodrone .. ALONE WITH 20 BUCKS ... living, barely surviving freebasing life till its end divided soulless vices death before life could begin evil dollar bills, life stood still a tumor removed from your brain prescription refilled, a cure for my ill blood stains painted over again you tell me how to think you tell me how to feel cause I want to know what is real is anyone real? ...

[ If Ryan is Rapture's God, then Fontaine is his Lucifer. Once smiled upon for his actions, he's now Ryan's most prominent enemy. ] ................ Attention: A new curfew will be enacted on Thursday. Citizens found in violation will be relocated to Apollo Square. ................ dave gahan .. A LITTLE LIE ... I walk alone and you know I've never felt at home I'm so hard to please and I have everything I need ...

[ "Me family's in a submarine hidden in the foundation of Fontaine Fisheries. I'll meet you there." -- You'd better get used to being lied to, Jack. ] ................ Wanting an item from the surface is forgivable. Buying or smuggling one into Rapture is not. Stay on the level, and out of trouble. ................ joydrop .. BREAKDOWN ... and all the days you pushed around and all the times you lied to yourself and all the dreams we had just might breakdown ...

[ She seems to be the only one with a conscience on this sinking heap of metal. She also acts as yours. Listen to her. ] ................ Andrew Ryan reminds us: we all make choices, but, in the end, our choices make us. ................ kate bush .. EXPERIMENT IV ... they told us all they wanted Was a sound that could kill someone from a distance So we go ahead and the meters are over in the red It's a mistake in the making ...

[ Nothing holds back the experiments in Rapture. And nothing is saved from them. Plants, animals, children -- all up for grabs. ] ................ Wallet a little light? At Surgical Savings we'll happily work out an affordable payment plan for any major procedure. Potentially terminal illnesses won't wait until payday. Should you? ................ coheed & cambria .. THE HOUND (OF BLOOD AND RANK) ... come on, you've got to give it to me as though you want it too come on and set me free i'll dig it till we've made your grave oh, you've been a bad, bad boy i'll cut it 'til I carve it out and stick it in a sad, sad song why the bother, you're no brother you’re the wrong I need boy, we all found an audience while you found the worst of me ...

[ The body is a terrible thing to waste. So says the artist. One does the cutting and the carving and the other does the sculpting and the performing and they're two sides of one horribly twisted and beautiful coin. ] ................ Attention: Any public congregation of more than four persons is considered an actionable offense. ................ frou frou .. PSYCHOBABBLE ... do just what I tell you and no one will get hurt don't come any closer cause I don't know how long I can hold my heart in two make no sudden movements and no one will get hurt you're not coming over if you know what's good for me why would I be leaving you? ...

[ Andrew Ryan has a way with women, yes? Well, he also has a way with his children. A man chooses, a slave obeys. ] ................ The bottom of the ocean is our home, but it can also be a dangerous place. Any leak is a bad leak. Report any unexplained water promptly to the Central Council. ................ the birthday massacre .. PLAY DEAD ... thinking hurts and thoughts don't rhyme to those of us who've never tried to find a face behind our lipstick smiles and as our pretty faces die our plastic hearts will wonder why the make-up just won't hide the scars of time ...

[ "Now, would you kindly find a crowbar or something? Bloody splicers sealed Johnny in before they ... goddamn splicers." -- They were the citizens of this once thriving metropolis. Now they've been reduced to babbling, deformed maniacs who are only out for another high. ] ................ We all move the Great Chain, and the Great Chain moves us all. ................ moving units .. THE KIDS OF ORANGE COUNTY ... a suburban tease you can see their dirty knees you can see them bounce off a wall like a racquet hits a ball but they always come back again a Jamaican breeze you can smell the anti-freeze you can see the world is a maze when you're young and you're free to be anything you wanted to be ...

[ It's all about class, dollface, and you don't fit in! Parasite! ] ................ The parasite hates three things: free markets, free will, and free men. ................ brand new .. WELCOME TO BANGKOK [ instrumental ]

[ "Don't know what I was thinkin'. Never spliced up once the whole time I was down here in this aquarium. Figured it was bad to mix business with pleasure, but WHOOO! Forget all the nose candy and floor polish I been wastin' time with! THIS stuff is the mothers milk!" ] ................ "That's just the Plasmid Blues, Mary. You just need to slow down a bit on the splicing. Before you know it, you'll be as right as rain. Remember, a smart splicer is a happy splicer." ................ ambo .. BLUEBIRD ... and the sun was brilliant too ...

[ Maybe one day you'll see the sun again, Jack. ]

[larksinging]

James Cd Case Packet: Mix Notes

alright here’s another long post about my song choices for this mix

THE HARDEST THING

i wanted another sh2 mix that was less industrial/hard rock than those tend to be so i made this. i have less to say about some of these songs because i feel some of it is a little bit more... self-evident?

i. the view - modest mouse

“If life's not beautiful without the pain / well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again / Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer / And it feels pretty soft to me [...]  For every good deed done there is a crime committed”

 i feel this one is just a good mood setter for how like... overall fucked up james’ situation is. his situation does stem from getting hit with something awful and tragic and struggling to deal with that. what really sold it for me was the “for every good deed done there is a crime committed” with the radio static-y distortions

“You loved her, right?”

ii. satin in a coffin - modest mouse

“Are you here right now  / or are there probably fossils under your meat? [...] Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  / God I sure hope you are dead. /  Well now the blow's been softened / since the ocean is our coffin / Often times you know our laughter / is your coffin ever after.”

“ Or maybe... you hated her." 

i wanted to do some more messing with duality via song choices, so here we have two songs by the same artist back to back. besides the fixation on death in this song, i chose it as the flip side of the love/hate issue with james and mary. after all, there are times james wished she was dead, weren’t there?

iii. my secret friend (remix) - IAMX

“Oh take me to the river / My secret friend / So we can swim forever”

setting up another duality, but this one is mostly mood. think of it as james entering silent hill - the eerie and vaguely foreboding mood of the song sort of captures the fogworld. also, water themes. 

iv. vices - brand new

“Those days are dead / (forgive me) / We need vices to wave to the good old days / She said goodbye to the ground / She said goodbye to the ground”

wow it would be SURE NICE if this song could ACTUALLY PLAY ON THE MIX. anyways. this song starts out soft and gentle, like some old style song, and then shifts very suddenly into a much harder rock. that felt very appropriate. anyway the concepts of something lost and a need for vices, or sin/something carnal seems... very appropriate for james

v. kettering - the antlers

“I wish that I had known in that first minute we met, the unpayable debt that I owed you”

it’s the first in a series! honestly you could probably just put on the antler’s hospice album and practically call that a sh2 mix, but, you know. a lot of the themes are similar - the struggle of losing someone, dealing with the slow death of a loved one, the strained relationship that follows and abuse. while james and mary are nowhere near as unhealthy as the couple in hospice, at they end things definitely got bad. it still works very well

vi. get out (acoustic) - circa survive

“I can't get started from the part where I left off yesterday / Should've spent my time a little wiser / I sat alone guilty as sin waiting for words to come / From out of my head still making sense to anyone [...]  Lock myself up in a room without a window just to see / If it was any easier to breathe / I was wrong”

i like this song for the sense of confusion from the weight of the burden. there’s a kind of self-destructive desperation in the pursuit of understand that honestly characterizes james’ pursuit of “mary”. also, suffocation themes. while the original version is more energetic and jarring, i felt the slightly subdued acoustic version was more appropriate here

vii. daisy - brand new

“I'm a river that is all dried up / I'm an ocean nothing floats on [...]  Well if we take all these things  / and we bury them fast [...]  Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain / Like he knew it was time / to start things over again / It'd be all right, it's all right / it'd be easier that way” 

james is a... conflicted person, and i like the chaotic mood of this song to represent this. there’s a sense of self-loathing and uselessness that really speaks to the heart of james’ character. the mix of wanting to move forward and also being stuck on the past and the easy route. also, water themes. also, another duality, since there are two songs by brand new 

viii. my secret friend - IAMX (feat. Imogen Heap)

“My secret friend/ I'll take you to the river / My secret friend / So we can swim forever / In your skin / To die a little death / This time there's no code word / When everyday frays in hollow ends / Dream sweet love submissive”

the original version of the remix from earlier. this one feels a bit darker, more subdued, which i feel reflects how one’s perception of the town as you go along. i also like that this is a duet, which seems... appropriate. also, water themes.

ix. against the tide - celldweller

“Under the waves we're sinking like a stone / I'm sorry son, you're reaping what you've sown [...]  This sorrow weighs down on my shoulders / This fear is getting harder to hide / You'll leave me alone in this darkness /Left to hold out /Against the tide” 

james is crushed by the weight of his own actions. “you’re reaping what you sow” - this is, ultimately, james’ doing. maybe a song for pyramid head? anyway i feel the theme of this is pretty clear in its relationship to james. also, to beat a dead horse, water themes! this may also be the closest to the sh vocal track sound as this mix gets

x. holocaust - jordaan mason (original by big star)

“Your mother's dead / You're on your own / She's in her bed” 

replace “mother” with “wife” and... well. the mood and feeling of this song is the most mary-ish of them all, and i chose it to capture the quiet misery and hopelessness of that whole situation. listening to this song doesn’t feel good in a really purposeful way. 

xi. epilogue - the antlers

“I think you buried me awake (my one and only parting gift) / But you return to me at night / Just when I think I may have fallen asleep / Your face is up against mine / And I'm too terrified to speak / You're screaming / And cursing / And angry / And hurting me / And then smiling / And crying / Apologizing”

another song off of hospice. the scenario of seeing a dead loved one in a dream as a nightmare is... basically james’ silent hill experience? anyway i feel this captures more than anything the complexity of emotions going on between them during mary’s last day. as if the lines i quoted above aren’t basically the hallway conversation

xii. kings of medicine - placebo

“Don't leave me here to pass through time / Without a map or road sign / Don't leave me here, my guiding light / 'Cause I, I wouldn't know where to begin / I ask the kings of medicine / But it seems they've lost their power / Now all I'm left with is the hour”

this mix needed a song that was completely and purely just james’ grief. kings of medicine is an expression of - a healthier kind of grief, maybe? it comes at the end of the mix as james’ grief through the lens of the truth. or maybe in the past? but the explicitness of being lost without mary. i like just the pure power of this song

xiii. vindicated - dashboard confessional 

“I am Vindicated / I am selfish / I am wrong / I am right, I swear I'm right / I swear I knew it all along / And I am flawed  / But I am cleaning up so well / I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself [...]  Just one touch and I'd be in / Too deep now to ever swim against the current / So let me slip away [...]  Slight hope / It dangles on a string / Like slow spinning redemption...”

the thing about silent hill - about james’ story - is, at the end of it, there is a sliver of hope. i mean, more or less depending on the ending, but there is always the possibility of growth. of... healing? james reaches a point where he has the opportunity to move forward. mary forgives him, mary asks him to do what’s best for him/live for himself. that’s what this song is - the flicker of hope, the ability for james to become a better person. also: water themes!

xiv. wake - the antlers

“It was easier to lock the doors and kill the phones than to show my skin / because the hardest thing is never to repent for someone else / it's letting people in [...] Some patients can't be saved, but that burden's not on you.”

how could i not end with another song from hospice? wake is the song that likewise has that glimmer of hope, but in this case it represents a move towards self-forgiveness. after all, mary is dead, her last will and testament is just the letter. it’s ultimately james who has to forgive himself. while uh there is a bit more legitimate blame in mary’s death, her illness was something that was never his fault. if the last song is the final boss battle and mary cutscene, this is mary’s letter

i could have included something to indicate at all of the endings (none of these, for example, really gesture towards in water or maria). there might be a slight lean towards leave, but i like to think it matches just the games’ mood in general. i have a few songs that were cut - most notably fever dreams by circa survive (replaced with get out), but most of my ideas made it on. 

[this-is-not-a]

Rain, and don’t call me Shirley

It’s raining right now. My incense is almost burned out and I’m three-fourths through my coffee and all the way through my honey and almond butter toast. San Francisco has no winter but does have a rainy season, and she may be small but she is fierce as shit. One thing I like about the rain is that it gives me an excuse to not do anything. In the same way, nice weather means there’s extra pressure to do outdoor activities. I can’t complain though because this city has the best weather of my life.

Here’s an impression of me going on a date:

Girl: Girls don’t talk like this. You’re bad at dialog. Me: Okay, note taken, but could you be less mean? Girl: Well you’re writing this, so maybe you want someone to be mean. Is that because you secretly hate yourself? Me: That wasn’t less mean, and no. I think I actually love myself a lot. I mean sometimes I struggle with my flaws but everyone does sometimes. Out of my friends I think I’m one of the more emotionally healthy -- Girl: That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Healthy people don’t sit around writing stories about how healthy they are. And the fact that your fantasy is telling a girl that you’re healthy speaks volumes. Me: What do you mean? Girl: You romanticise emotional pain, but you’re ashamed to admit that because you know it’s immature -- it’s just something you picked up from books and TV. You want a girl who sees you as broken but loves you anyway because that would prove that she really-really loves you. Also I think it’s fucked up that you couldn’t even come up with a name for my character. Me: I love you.

It was raining on Friday when I went to Local Edition for Rosita’s 24th. I admitted to Cameron (was that his name?) that I haven’t dated in years. He said I seemed like I would be good at dates. I was flattered, of course. I had told Jen that the trick is to talk about FORD. Family, Occupation, Recreation, and D? What is D? “Dreams?” Jen suggested. Oh yeah, Dreams. I fucking forgot Dreams. And if that isn’t the best summary of what my life starting from college has been like, I don’t know what is. I used to always talk about how I wanted to move to New York to try and cut it as an artist. Now I’m 22 and I could actually do that, but I don’t, and I’m not sure why not. Whether it’s because I’m afraid I wouldn’t be good enough, or whether it’s just the sheer inertia of having a job and an apartment here, it makes me wonder if I really want to do it or I just say I want to. But here’s a secret: I’m jealous that Marty’s job will be to make music. I don’t care if I make more money than him. He makes more music than me. Once in college Apoorv asked Marty to transcribe a jazz piece for his brother’s wedding and I was sad that he didn’t ask me. The flip side of that jealousy was that my senior year Marty inspired me to be a better music director for Kopi. I’m grateful for that.

I told several people throughout my senior year to join only one acapella group. “It’s too easy to have one foot out when you’re in two groups,” I explained. “It’s not about the time commitment, if you’re organized you can easily make two groups work. The thing is, being in both G-Men and Kopi meant that to the G-Men I was always also-a-Kopi, and to Kopi I was always also-a-G. I really didn’t feel like I fit in with either group until a few years in. I don’t regret choosing to be in two groups because I love both, but I don’t recommend it to other people.” Now that I’m out of school I’m insanely grateful that I have friends from both groups. I don’t know if I would change my recommendation, but I do know that there’s no wrong way to be a G-Man or a Kopi.

This weekend I installed a music programming software called Max MSP. I wanted to get it working with a patch called “shifter~” because I read that its how Jacob Collier gets his synthesizer to harmonize with his voice on the notes he plays. I couldn’t get that patch to work but I did find some tutorials that taught me how to make a vocoder. I used my mic and Sijia’s speakers as an amp and played for hours in the living room, singing everything from Daft Punk to Imogen Heap. I’m thinking about getting a keyboard that I can use for MIDI input so I don’t have to use the trackpad to change notes. Even if I don’t, though, it sounds fucking good! I’m going to take it to the next electronic music jam session at work and hopefully impress everyone.

Mark’s friend Yuma was always a stronger musician than me. He double majored in music and engineering, and after school got a job at Google in NYC. After a few years of saving up money he quit to focus on music. I wonder if having more encouragement from my parents would have pushed me to find a career in music. I don’t think I resent them for not encouraging me, but I do think that when I’m an uncle or a father I’ll be more encouraging. I write a lot about how my life sometimes feels stagnant and I feel like I don’t have any agency. But the truth is I also sometimes feel like I do control my own future. When I take a step back, I can find moments in my life when I have made choices which define who I am. My extracurriculars were always music. In college I probably spent more time rehearsing than in class. And even now I spend hours on the digital piano at work and hours singing in choirs. Dan Harmon says the way to know whether or not you should be an artist is to ask yourself: if you never achieved any fame and barely scraped by for the rest of your life, and the only redemption was that you were making art, would you be happy? I don’t really know, and I’m not sure anyone really knows, but maybe.