#maybe the explanation is that i'm taking these pictures myself. i personally know all these pokémon and have to ask them if i have permissio

[front-facing-pokemon]

[little-pup-pip]

Hey! I just wanted to let you know, while I think the moodboards you make are super cute and I do love them a lot, they're super disheartening to see.

All of them, are pretty much just stolen content? You don't bother crediting or sourcing anything on them, so they're basically all just photos/art that doesn't belong to you :(

The small artists who create the deco pacis, the plushies, the photography, deserve to be credited and not have their stuff stolen. Especially when they are products the artist is selling (deco pacis, crochet, handmade collars, etc.) they deserve that attention and credit.

/nm but I've just seen SO many people not caring to source their posts. I really encourage you to credit the posts you create.

Hello hello!! First off, I want to tell you that, for the most part, you're right! This is actually something I think about a lot, and I get where you're coming from. Most of the things I post are uncredited pictures, and I'm going to explain why in the best way I can. But ultimately, it's up to you whether this explanation satisfies you or not (if you have suggestions on how to fix it after reading this whole thing, let me know)!

For context, most of the stuff I post are pictures directly from Pinterest, a site that is notorious for being awful at crediting creators and making it difficult to find the original creators of things. I wish Pinterest was better at allowing people to trace the origins of images, and I would love it if I could find the original creators of every picture I use. Unfortunately, it is genuinely impossible to find the people who take most of the pictures on Pinterest a lot of the time (because Pinterest will show you the most recent saver of a picture rather than the poster, and if you do manage to find the poster, you never know if someone reposted a picture, so the person who you think is the creator actually is not). It's really not a matter of "I don't bother to"; it's that often I can't (this is why I try to avoid using art not made by companies because I'd drive myself crazy trying to find the artist)!

I also want to point out that none of the stuff I use is "stolen"! If you look at Pinterest's terms of service, every picture posted there is entirely free to use, sort of like a stock image, and I have to assume that the posters know that. (Legal talk and a simpler version pictured below)

Additionally, I do show products, but often not by small stores or creators. Most of them are literally product advertisements from large companies that will not take any financial hit from this at all. If you go onto Pinterest and look up something like "blanket," you'll find that it's almost completely large corporations! And that is almost entirely the selection of product pictures I use, especially for my petre boards, as I don't think I have any handmade collars in any of my boards, just commercially made ones!

The pictures that are from smaller creators, such as products, as you stated, can easily be traced back to the creators by downloading the picture and using the Pinterest or even google image search; sometimes, there's even a watermark to make things easier. And, if you ask me, I'll find the creator for you if it's possible!

As a small side note, I never take credit for pictures that aren't my own, and I don't make any money from this. I'm not receiving anything that the creators aren't, except maybe views. And, if people asked me to remove pictures they didn't want on other people's accounts shown on one of my moodboards, I would. I have never had that happen, however, and when people do recognize pictures that they made in one of my moodboards, they have only ever been happy to see them. Here are two examples (check the reblogs)!! Example 1 Example 2

Ultimately, this is a grey area for content, and Pinterest has no better alternative. This debate is also nothing new! People have been making moodboards long before my time and will continue to do so after I stop. And I'm not saying I'm perfect or that other moodboard creators take the same precautions as me, but I am doing my best to make moodboards in a conscionable manner! If you can't get behind it, that's okay!! I would also be happy to discuss this more with you if you want!

[studies-in-the-art-of-deduction]

Masterpost!

Masterpost for (almost) everything in this blog, if you're on browser you can find all of these things on the right side of the blog page!

Educational posts

These posts are meant to talk extensively about some specific aspect of deduction. They aren’t fully edited and polished articles (like what you would find in Amateur Deductions) as much as they are my thoughs and explanations about a specific topic, which stem from my overactive mind thinking about said topic for way too long. Enjoy!

How to Deduce Presents (Christmas Post!)

Stop Practicing with Pictures!

Binaries

Binaries Addendum

Chess and Deduction

How to break down information

Changes and Deductions

The Mentality Goal

Memory is not Deduction!

Deduction: Passive or Active

Deduction Exercises

This is an ongoing series of posts detailing different deduction exercises created and tested by me. Enjoy!

Deduction Exercise 1: "At Least One Fact"

Deduction Exercise 2: "Playing Police"

Deduction Exercise 3: "Passing By"

Deduction Exercise 4: Hound

Deduction Tips

Deduction Tips #1

Deduction Tips #2

Deduction Tips #3

Deduction Tips #4

Deduction Tips #5

Deduction Tips #6

Deduction Tips #7

Deduction Tips #8

Deduction Tips #9

Deduction Tips #10

Deduction Tips #11

Deduction Tips #12

Deductions

These are all my posts dedicated specifically to showcase a deduction or deductions i have made, this includes my ongoing series of Deductions meant as active training for myself (Deduction #1, Deduction #2, etc), as well as any more casual and quick deductions i’ve posted. Enjoy!

More Airport Deductions!

Casual Deductions

Deduction #2

Deduction #2 Process

The Game is Afoot! (Deduction Battle including @a-study-in-sepia’s deductions as well as my own. Other deductions can also be found in the comments)

Deduction #1

Deduction #1 Process

Questions

These are all the asks i’ve been sent, feel free to look through them for answers to any questions you may have, or send your own! I answer every question i’m sent, they’re all posted in bulk every Monday. Enjoy!

Did you have any experience or did you learn any knowledge that helped you to improve your deduction skills extermely in a short time or immediately?

I was wandering if there is a way to differentiate between self implied injury and normal injury?

What do you think about Maria Konnikova's book "Mastermind: How to think like Sherlock Holmes" book?

Hi bro, how do I improve my observation skills to intimidate level

In which field do you study/work and do you take advantage of your deduction skills in your occupation? if yes how?

Do you know of any books or trainings that could help out a beginner who’s trying to understand and learn about micro expressions, body language and deduction?

What caused to wrinkles by making love? (referring to my post on Changes)

Who are you, 3 sentences or less

I'm a person who, as soon as I talk to people outside my comfort zone, shuts down (social anxiety yeahh) and I can't concentrate on the details of the person infront of me. Do you have any tips to prevent this or to improve myself?

I really enjoyed the way you shape more information from the given clue. Can you tell me more about it?

I was wondering how do you see the world when you observe? What do you see? How is your perspective?

Hello. Do you have any advice for daily observation and deduction? An exercise or a mindset maybe?

How do you learn how to deduce people? If possible, could you do an explanation for one of the ones you did on Reddit?

Can you share specific information for clothes? It could be about style and person's personality or aging etc.

Hi Damian, I made a video of my proudest case in deduction. I'd appreciate you checking it out! It is a YouTube video titled "I Deduced a Family’s Story From a Note in an Empty House"

How do you approach to deduction and situational awareness in a crowded place? Do you use any categorization?

How do you work on scents? Do you have a specific training for that? Also, how could you differentiate between an expensive perfume and a cheap one?

What you think about the book (in case you've read it) "How to Instantly Size-Up Strangers Like Sherlock Holmes" by Mark A. Williams, Sr.

I'm having a problem in converting my observations into complete deductions. So, can you please suggest some techniques for me to "deduce" from my observations?

Useful Reblogs

This is a compilation of any reblogs i've made where either the original post have some useful content for deduction purposes or where i add comments and observations that could be useful for learning deduction. This does not include any reblogs from my other blog (Amateur Deductions), since there are already many links that take you there and the content is also written by me. Enjoy!

Take pride in your "silly" observations. (by Parrotsplayground)

"Sounding" like Sherlock Holmes (by Parrotsplayground and some notes by me)

Signs of heatstroke and heat exhaustion (by Obaewankenope)

Interview with Damian Valens (by Parrotsplayground )

How to go use statistics and probability in deduction (original question by Nyktor, original answer by Deducter, and some notes by me)

Learn to see the bigger picture. (by Parrotsplayground)

Manual decoding of DTMF (by A Study In Sepia)

Basics of Deduction (By The Deduction Page)

Deductions in the car (by Froogboi)

Deduction of a nurse (by Froogboi)

Advice on body language (by Froogboi, and some notes by me)

Reflections on training and studying habits (by Big Brother)

Deductions in debates (by Froogboi)

Signs of Iron-Deficiency Anemia (by Biomedicool, and some notes by me)

Advice and examples for practicing deduction (by Big Brother)

Deductions while working with kids (by Froogboi)

Topics related to deduction (By Deduction Journal)

Facial Action Coding System (By Ramblings of a Deductionist)

Viginere Squares (By Ramblings of a Deductionist)

The Study of "Snoop" (By Parrotsplayground, and some notes by me)

Present Deductions 2023 (By A Study in Sepia)

[good-beanswrites]

I DM'd you a passage from the tarot cards fic. Director's commentary, please? ^_^

Ahh this was so fun, thank you so much!! Overexplaining details in a scene my beloved >:3

I wrote all my headcanons and assumptions as if they're facts to save myself from adding "I like to think" to the beginning of every sentence, but just know that I'm aware they don't have canon backing lol. Also my commentary mentions Fuuta and Mikoto's relationship, but the whole fic is pretty vague with it. I love keeping things at the stage of comfortable kindness, where it's easy for the reader to take things both platonically and romantically depending on what headcanons they're bringing to it. It's not necessarily catering to readers since I enjoy both interpretations -- I wrote it with both in mind, and I'll reread it differently depending on the day.

(From What's that Yugioh quote about cards)

“I'm doing this to show you how these readings are just crap. Now. First card.” [Fuuta] flipped it without any of the theatrics Mikoto had enjoyed. “Hm.” He squinted at the strange picture and read the title. “We’ve got a Four of Cups.” 

Fuuta kind of did want to cheer Mikoto up, but doesn’t like how sentimental it sounds to think of it like that. Even if he did admit to himself that’s what he was doing, he wouldn’t know how to comfort him in a nice way, so he’s just picking a distracting activity and hoping it works. Also this spread was actually drawn by me irl! I had to modify one card in Fuuta’s (not telling which one though, hehe). I did consider having Mikoto draw the Hanged Man as his last card, but that felt too forced and cheesy lol

“Reversed Four of Cups,” Mikoto said before turning his gaze to the ceiling. 

“Reversed? It’s right side up to you.”

“You’re doing a reading for me?”

“Duh?” 

It might seem obvious that Fuuta was doing a reading for him given the setup/dialogue, but from Mikoto’s pov, no one’s ever done that before. In all the years he’s been doing tarot, people really just focus on their own future and how to learn tarot for their own activities. No one’s thought to do a reading for him. He’s more surprised than touched right now, though, because of how tired he is. It’ll really hit him later that night, when he realizes that this was the first time someone did that for him. 

Mikoto bit back a comment that he should have gotten to touch the cards, if that were the case. He didn’t feel like getting into it with Fuuta right now, no matter how playful a matter it may be.

Mikoto (and Yuno) are the type who don’t take Fuuta's attitude personally. They can enjoy the back-and-forth of bickering for hours without it exhausting them. Even though Mikoto didn’t experience much during the interrogation, he’d be emotionally tired out in general. Plus, I picture the process of extracting videos to be physically taxing. Something that invades and activates your neurons would definitely leave you pretty wiped afterwards. (<- girl who has too many thoughts about how the mv machine works but will spare you the explanation)

“So… it looks like in the past… you had a lot of cups… and got a weird one from the sky. Are you religious?”

“Huh? Not really.”

“Not God then. I don’t fucking know where it came from. Maybe it’s a ‘life gives you lemons’ thing. You got too much on your plate?”

Mikoto stayed silent.

I messed myself up in this upcoming section because I was too excited about figuring out the card meanings in relation to Mikoto. I should have just looked at them as they were and guessed the meanings the way that Fuuta might. It was difficult having just read this card’s specific meaning and then trying to put myself in the shoes as someone who didn’t know it😂 I left and came back to this section a lot, I wrote the fic over a few months in between other things. It helped dull my memory on the actual meaning and get into Fuuta's character more.

Also I’m adding “life gives you lemons” to the list of phrases I use in my fics knowing it’s an English phrase/idiom they definitely wouldn't use, but I liked its exact connotation so I kept it in. It's cliche and informal and someone like Fuuta would be sick of hearing it from adults. He'd know Mikoto feels the same. I debated on giving Fuuta more lines about religion here – I do think he’s starting to consider it more at this point in time – but decided it brought the fic too off-course from where I wanted it.

“Whatever. Next card… the present. This one’s upside down to you. A knight – hey, I got a knight, too, remember?”

Fuuta actually does know that the specific term is “reversed,” Mikoto just said it, but doesn’t want to seem like he cares so he doesn't use the term. Still, he doesn’t really know how being reversed changes the meaning, so he interprets the picture normally. 

Mikoto blinked. He did remember – he was shocked that Fuuta did. That reading had ended on such a sour note all those months ago. He didn’t think the other had given it another moment of thought. There came the tiniest surge of pride that Fuuta had committed it to memory.

I wanted to play around more with memory here but could never get it to work!!! Fuuta doesn’t really have any themes around memory so it wasn’t that notable that he remembered. Mikoto’s memory has holes specifically around stressful events, so it’s not impressive he remembered, either. So… despite having the perfect opportunity to talk about cool insights/emotions, it simply wasn’t a big deal -_- It still works to reveal that they both care a lot about each other, which is why I left it as is. It was a brief moment months ago, but both held onto the memory all this time.

“Damn, another cup. Well, if it does mean life keeps throwing stupid shit at you, then yeah, this prison has been the stupidest shit of them all.”

Fuuta picked up the final card. He let out a laugh. It was something mocking, but it tickled Mikoto. “Heh, you sure are a fool. That’s some outfit. Still better than yours right now.” He flicked the card at Mikoto’s chest, where it bounced off his mangled uniform. 

As someone who is completely endeared by Fuuta’s awful laugh, I think Mikoto wouldn’t mind either if it sounded teasing/cruel. Especially after all the pain Fuuta’s been through T2, Mikoto probably didn’t hear him laugh in a very long time, and the sound can be contagious. I always wonder about Mikoto's uniform... was like that from his fight with Kotoko, or just from John wrecking his room? Is it like that all of T2, or does Es gives him a replacement? I felt like he would be cleaned up by the time his interrogation rolled around, but his album art is just as much of a mess, so I guess ratty uniform it is...

Mikoto retrieved the card. He sat up as he returned it to the spread. He studied them. 

Mikoto was enjoying Fuuta’s version of the cards, but didn’t have the energy to read them along with him. This is the first time he taps into his own knowledge of the tarot meanings and realizes what a good spread it actually is. I wanted to linger here in this moment more, but everything I wrote became too “telling.” As the fic was from Mikoto’s pov, I felt like I’d need to take the reader through what he was thinking about in the silence. That ended up defeating the purpose of the peaceful moment lol

He allowed himself a small smile. “So,” he asked, “what’s it all mean?”

Fuuta scowled. “I just told you what it meant.”

“No, now you look at the big picture.” Mikoto shook his head. “You left before I could finish your reading, but you’re supposed to look at everything together and make a plan for the future. I… I still remember yours. I was going to tell you to mind your emotions, and prepare for a big change coming quickly. But uh…” he rubbed the back of his neck. “Guess it’s a little late for that, huh?”

“A little.”

Once again wishing I could do more with memory given that Mikoto still remembers Fuuta’s exact reading after so many months, and once again leaving it as a testament to his relationship with Fuuta. I can only hope it speaks for itself when looking at the fic normally ;--; I still haven’t decided if that last line from Fuuta should be read as an angry snap or a disappointed whisper. He’s still very bitter about his situation, and the fact that Mikoto is telling him to ‘mind his emotions’ and reminding him of his pain are enough to make him lash out. At the same time, maybe bringing it all up makes him recognize that his hot temper did caused him harm, several times. He can hear how genuinely Mikoto speaks, and feels guilty for treating him so harshly then. I go back and forth depending on my own mood…

“So, to finish off my reading, what advice do you give me based on these?” 

Fuuta made a show of rolling his eyes and huffing, as if this hadn’t been his idea to begin with.

My favorite way to write Fuuta is having him do something nice, and then immediately get mad at the other person because suddenly he’s embarrassed about it.

 “This is so lame. My advice…?” He jabbed a finger at The Fool. “Don’t do anything fucking stupid in the future.”

I originally wrote out a bit of a longer speech of advice, with Fuuta mentioning how he knows school/work can be overwhelming, and this prison is overwhelming, and not to do anything in the future because there are people relying on him. Fuuta was relying on him. It was a bit vulnerable and finally explicitly mentioned his feelings towards Mikoto. I read it back, heaved a sigh, said “he wouldn’t fucking say that,” and cut it down to just this line 👍I'm not too disappointed, though, since Mikoto can see right through Fuuta (both with his people skills and the fact that Fuuta is very obvious about his emotions). Anything he would have confessed, Mikoto already knows.  

Mikoto looked from him to the cards, then back again.

“...That’s it?”

“What more do you want?” Fuuta raised his voice, and Mikoto found it in him to laugh. 

Mikoto also hasn’t laughed (genuinely) all of T2 :( This one starts off kind of forced – he had to “find it in him” to play along with the way a conversation is supposed to go. But it feels natural once he does, and the next time I mention his attitude he feels “back to his old self.” In this moment he’s considering antagonizing Fuuta by teasing his advice, asking for more, or just poking at his temper. He chooses not to. Instead of avoiding their bickering because he’s tired, he cuts Fuuta a break because he’s really grateful for the kind gesture.

“Alright, alright, I’ll take it.”

[spade-riddles]

Submission: I think the MH thing might be a lot simpler than we're giving it credit for.

I don't know how credible this new 🎃 anon is, if at all. (Tip for new anons: we took Spade and Flag seriously because they proved themselves worth listening to before they started asking us to put faith in them. Most of us are at a high alert for trolling right now and not inclined to take a new player on the scene seriously.) But I don't think it matters, because even if they're fake, all 🎃 is doing is presenting us with the same old story we always get of a last minute pivot. We can wait and see if something arises to confirm the story, or we can assume it's bullshit and ignore this "explanation". 

But if you believe 🎃 is bullshit and a coming out isn't on the cards til 2025 (as a lot of us now do believe) then you need to ask yourself why Taylor would beard again, so soon, and with this guy of all people. I think I might know the answer to that. 

Some points to consider: 

1) Taylor might be planning a prolonged "single" phase. She might want to stop her fans wanting to see her in a relationship with a guy. If she goes straight from Joe to singledom, her fans will assume she's still heartbroken over him and hold out hope for a reunion. She doesn't want that. She needs a Tom to erase him like she did Calvin. But I think she's genuinely done with fans creating these happy little hetero fantasies for her and getting attached. This feels almost like a punishment to all the fans who have refused to see her truth over the years. None of this is any faker than Tom or Toe were. The timelines are just as implausible, the PR just as obvious. But this time they don't get their picture perfect fantasy. If they would rather see Taylor with a guy - any guy - than with the loyal and loving woman who has borne her children and been her biggest fan for a decade now . . . then they better open wide and take their medicine. And don't dare complain about how bitter it tastes. 

I don't think this stunt will last long, but by the end of it they'll be begging for Taylor to "just be single" and "figure out what she wants". Which is probably the point. 

2) Karlie has been eating Kushner shit for years now to protect their closet. I'm in the minority that believes this was a sacrifice mostly made to protect Taylor, not a self-serving move on Karlie's part. Looking at it from that perspective, I've been expecting to hear songs about it for a long, long time. Songs about loving someone whose choices destroyed their reputation. Songs about loving someone who is misunderstood. Someone who is seen as a bad guy to the world, but who pieced together your broken heart after a devastating break up from a relationship in which you were nearly engaged. 

Taylor has songs she wants to put out into the world about these experiences, and rightly or wrongly, she still feels she needs the fig leaf of a male muse and a public narrative as cover for them. I don't know if it's bonus Rep tracks or the rumored Lover B side, or something else. But I would guess Taylor has songs about the last few years that mean a lot to her, and we'll probably see them in 3-6 months. This is all just groundwork. 

3) Kind of related to point 2, but looking at it on a more personal level. Karlie tanked her reputation for Taylor, and has been abused by her fans for years, mostly for things she hasn't even done (like her supposed "betrayals"). I don't pretend to know how Taylor thinks, but if that was me, I would have a hard time living with myself knowing I'd allowed the love of my life to be treated like that, so I could make more money and keep myself clear of criticism. Even if she agreed to it. Hypothetically, I might feel that I deserved to get a little taste of my fans' vitriol. 

This might seem like a crazy, illogical decision to us because for once, maybe the motivation isn't to secure positive PR for Taylor. Maybe Taylor is being stubborn, and trying to prove a point to herself and the woman she loves: that she would be willing to do for Karlie what Karlie has done for her. 

Anyway. These are just some thoughts, looking at the whole thing from a different angle and considering possibilities I haven't seen discussed. 

[cazort]

Hello! I'm Alex!

I am nonbinary (agenderflux), vaguely transfem and gender-non-conforming, and use they/them pronouns.

I'm neurodivergent. I have sensory issues and am generally weird.

I'm married and you can read more about my boundaries about our relationship below.

My blog is off-the-wall and you cannot expect it to remain consistent with frequency or topics. Cute animal photos, stupid memes, serious wall-of-text political commentary are all possible. But I love nature, Tumblr humor, and deep commentary so you're eventually gonna find all of these.

I am friendly and like to chat. My phone notifications are always off and I mostly use Tumblr at the computer. I am inconsistent at responding. I might engage immediately sometimes, and take days to get back to you other times. Please don't take it personally, I still care about you!

I am WAAAY over 18. Read why my age isn't in my bio and why I don't demand or even encourage people putting ages in bios.

Some boundaries:

I appreciate mass likes / reblogs and love engagement on my old posts. Don't be shy!

I don't mind being called girl or guy but dislike being called woman or man. I care less about pronouns and language and more about gendered assumptions. I.e. if you are thinking "Because you are (female/male/nonbinary) you must..." keep these thoughts to yourself and maybe consider working through them because they're probably untruthful. People are diverse.

I like talking about sex, and I like being given compliments about my body, but I do not want to hear about any sexual fantasy involving me, nor do I want you to ask me if I fantasize about you. This both oversteps a boundary of my marriage and I still usually didn't like hearing this type of thing even back when was single. Also I do not want to roleplay or send explicit pics and please don't ask.

I am sex positive and anti-censorship, but I am not seeking porn. I may engage with a more explicit or provocative picture or selfie on your blog, but please do not send me any explicit or sexually-provocative pictures by DM. I may have liked the pic in spite of the fact it was explicit, not because of it, and similarly for following you if your blog posts NSFW content. Or I may have wanted to signal my support for your sex positivity. Me liking your post or following you is NOT consent to receive such pics by DM.

I do not support any kind of violence except in direct self-defense, and I may unfollow you or distance myself from you if your blog advocates for such. Yes, this includes violence used for causes I agree with, for instance, I oppose all far-right extremism, but I don't support "punch a nazi" rhetoric. Want to know why? Read this post.

I do not tolerate negative generalizations directed at any group of people. I don't care whether the group is privileged or not, it always ends up harming marginalized people. Read this post for my explanation. I'm especially sensitive to how negative overgeneralizations about men can harm trans and neurodivergent people. If you post such negativity and I value our connection, I will challenge it. Otherwise I will unfollow or block you. I don't want people in my life who voice this sort of negativity.

You do not get to tell me what my experience is or what my intentions are. Nor do you get to tell other people this nor do I want to listen to you making these kind of statements about others. This is especially true if you are speculating about someone having negative intentions. I will react similarly to this point as to the point above.

Do not ask me for money, to buy content, or to reblog your fundraiser post if I do not know you. I like supporting people, but I am not here to buy content, and I am wary of scammers and highly selective about who I support. I only support people I know well. If we are mutuals though, feel free to reach out for financial advice. I love helping people improve their own financial situation if there is any way I can. If you want to support me, visit bplant.org and donate to that project; you will help support education about and protection of North American native plants and the ecosystems that depend on them!

Do not message me a generic "hey" or message me without having engaged with my blog at all, especially if you are an empty or very new blog. You will get blocked and reported as spam. Fill out your blog, make some posts, engage with some posts on my blog. And if you message me, please tell me how you find me and what made you want to message me.

I think that pretty much covers it, but I can update this if more issues arise!

[jess-moloney]

Which makes me kinda more suspicious about her is that she claims having a company/business but is sticking around him 24/7 like…nobody would do that if someone really have a company/business. Especially he never looked so exhausted before, he looks more like a empty shell now, not even with his exes he looked like that which makes it even more worse. I don't want to sound bad but she kinda gives me this Jodi Arias vibe sometimes it's terrifying. Maybe I'm wrong but still he looks so rough and not really happy anymore…I have a feeling that this is not really ending well with her…

If her business was established, had more than one employee, was successful, and she herself was the CEO of an entire team that would be one thing. Certainly, she could delegate work to other people or assistants whilst she traveled and took care of what she needed to do remotely because she wouldn't be doing the bulk of the work.

What we are looking at is a one-woman company. Public records say she's the only employee. If she has a client list currently what is she providing any of them? Even if it's just a handful of people? What work could she be doing only remotely and not most of the day because she's always with Jamie looking for photo ops and other opportunities. If her company was successful, worth anything, and had clients she'd be running it. She'd be in London (or New York) where she has offices. She would not be in every single place Jamie is all the time because she would be working since she's literally the only person who works at her company.

Though the business does remain registered to her it isn't a business. It's a front. A shell. A fake. Empty. I suppose she may do random consulting over the phone (possibly) but if she is then how much is she charging to make the kind of money she needs to keep up traveling with Jamie, buying those elaborate outfits for parties and appearances? The answer is that she can't be. It's not coming from this business that's for sure.

The only explanations otherwise are:

She is a trust fund baby who doesn't have to work like the rest of us but dabbles in various occupations for shits and giggles. With her history that seems like a definite possibility.

She isn't making much money (if any at all) and Jamie is paying for the outfits, travel, expenses, and everything else she wants to keep her happy.

She had money at some point but ran out of it and that's when she got with Jamie. Possibly spun a sob story about how she needs help but is so ashamed to take it because she's such a proud businesswoman and really pulled on his heartstrings. She was the damsel in distress and he rescued her.

She's somehow making money off of Jamie in other ways, selling pictures or tipping off paparazzi for a fee so that they can get pictures of Vecna on the beach.

I could be dating myself with this reference but it's somewhat in pop culture as horrific as it was but the Phil Hartman situation. The successful and desired actor-comedian with the struggling aspiring model wife who was unknown and not getting anywhere either. Any situation with a seriously unbalanced dynamic like this (that also involves questions of substance abuse and sobriety) is not a good one. As more is revealed and starts to unravel there are still more questions than answers. Does anyone know how he actually met her, where? What is their meet cute story and why did she appear right exactly at the time that Joseph and Jamie seemed to be the closest snapping that friendship so in half it's like it never happened in the first place?

[inky-thoughts]

there is such a lingering sadness and it's been there for years, almost a decade by now, and i know it's not really anyone's fault because that's too much a burden to place on anyone.

but there was something profound that i came across the other day. of course no-one owes us interaction. but the act of creating something, and then taking that something and placing it for an audience to see and interact with, be it on social media or elsewhere, is us reaching out to others, to wanting a connection, to opening up and being vulnerable. we're just being human in our need to connect over something that is meaningful to us.

but then that hand that reaches out to the world is slapped away.

not once, not twice.

and i see it in myself how it impacts me harder and harder year after year after year. i just sit here and marvel at my younger self, how i could churn out drawing after drawing, severaly drawings per week even, and now it's not even enough to warrant the annual "art summary" post.

i find less joy in the things that i do - not because i hate drawing, i actually still like it and it's quite relaxing actually - but it stopped being something that would create a deeper connection between me and the world. if it were just about the practice of drawing, it wouldn't matter if i just took a colouring book from the store and coloured in those pages. art as self-expression has become mute and unnecessary since they void won't yell back. the prettiest pictures, after all, still live inside my head.

sometimes i wonder what kind of value my presence even has in the art sphere. do people even feel anything when they see my art? does it inspire them? or is it just too milquetoast, too average, to even prompt a reaction? do people even want my advice, is my knowledge even worth something? or do i just provide everything unprompted anyway so no-one even has to ask? do people even care about my ideas? are they curious about the characters i love so dearly, do they want any explanations and lore around them to put a context to my art? why do i even put effort into anything? is there anyone who even thinks of me as a human, who wonders how my week has been, who are worried that i hadn't posted in a while? or am i just intimidating, scary, have i ceased to be just a person, or have i ever even been approchable?

it becomes quite lonely.

and sometimes it's hard to believe mutuals who come out of the woodworks at times like this and claim that they "love" my work, they find it so "pretty" and "value my friendship" and that "it's normal to feel like that", but those things only matter for when i'm sitting here and yelling in text post form and feel like the world has left me and try to make sense to it, because i am just like that. i try to understand, i really do, but it's been 10 years and i'm slowly at my limit. this concern people show whenever i burst out into tears never translates to little interactions when i'm feeling fine, when i'm not on the verge of crying. if there's no drama, i'm insignificant, invisible.

maybe, yes, i'm an attention whore.

maybe "pretty" has lost meaning to me. it feels so hollow, empty. easier to dismiss, with no meaning.

i'm tired.

[for-kelsey]

Girl, My Thoughts While Near Water.

I've spent a few days away from poetic writing, or whatever I do here, to get a feel of what I want you to understand. Last night, I told you that I want to be a maximalist in our love; I think that deserves a better explanation.

I spent some time over the weekend gathering myself and taking a walk to Fan Pier Park. That's where we took our coffees, you bit my knee, did a cartwheel, and took pictures of the two of us. I enjoyed sitting with you and letting the time go by, basking in your presence and feeling your warmth against me. I miss that feeling of being with you and exploring a bit more than I'm used to. Perhaps that's why I went back there to center myself. I didn't sit in the same place, and instead walked all the way to the end of the pier, to the final post, and sat. I felt the cold breeze pass over me but dared not to move as that was my spot. I wore my pink hoodie and same white shoes, brought sunglasses, the new Lana album, and my journal. What a sparse thing it is, the journal, and it needed the love that I poured into it. It's not profound writing, but it's what needed to be put down.

I talk about my love towards you and all of the positive changes that I've seen in myself; how I need a reminder that you fell in love with me for who I am. Our trust for one another, the strangeness of being alone again. I miss you like crazy, and you know that. Being in a city full of people is somewhat drab when the person you wish to see isn't there. I listened to the new Lana album, my third time through it with the intention of really understanding. At times it was tremendously sad or hopeful, but always engaging. I listen to it because I know you love it, and I want to be a part of the life that you love. I've come to appreciate these albums and your commentary, their meanings to you, and the stories that are behind them.

I've heard that we forget things if we don't tell them to others. Perhaps that's why I like hanging on your every word and writing to you. It's definitely why I want to ask you so many questions and hear about your endeavors in life. I don't want to forget a thing. Maybe this is the same reason you have so many polaroid pictures, and why I need to start taking some of you. You truly don't understand the power of your own beauty, and the ease of how you wield it. The level of confidence in yourself, your femininity, your strength, is always on display. It doesn't matter if you're bustling around in lace or ripped pajamas, you have an aura about you that the world needs to see. I don't think you see it yourself, too often, and I want to change that. I once told you that it feels like flowers blooming through my chest, but I realize that being with you is much more than that; I'll find the words to describe it someday.

You existing, and me being your beholder, brings a smile to my face; us existing together is what people spend all of their lives looking for. Being a couple is what gives me the most power. My heart feels like the sirring of an ocean and my body feels doused in sunshine.

You need to be cherished for all that you give to me, and I plan to do just that. This is the idea of the maximum coming back. I want us to have grand experiences and memories that last beyond a lifetime. No, this doesn't always mean some magnificent adventure or all of our money down the drain. It means that I want to take extra care of the details of loving you and experiencing life together; we can explore the world or just the corners of an apartment, breathe in the fresh air of forests, walk shopping centers, watch endless movies, talk over candlelight, and stay up way too late. I'll wake you up with kisses each morning no matter what. You deserve love; let me give it to you forever.

[penzi-penzi]

File 2. The End of the Squall (liveblog)

I started a new job and I've been SO BUSY, but this show is very fun to listen to at least. I kept typing and then retyping and explanation of how the episodes bring me joy and how I keep thinking back on them fondly, but then I realized that... that's kind of the point of entertainment? I guess I got kind of used to reading books I don't like or watching mediocre movies over the years, now whenever something is actually good I never shut up about it.

Also, I looked through the episode titles and noticed that all the titles start with what the previous episode's title ended with. I wonder if that has any significance or if it's just a stylistic choice.

Who's the announcer at the beginning of the episode? I dunno, I just found their voice kinda funny. Like, this movie trailer announcer person is just heralding the arrival of an over-enthusiastic nurse.

I wonder why the logo for the series is an hourglass.

Also, why does it play the sounds of frequencies switching and tape recorders flipping on at the beginning? I'm convinced I'm overthinking it at this point.

Wait, 8:75??? It took me a second to catch that, what??

Unrelated, but I wonder who Syd's enemies are

Neadertals

I swear I'll stop bringing it up, but now whenever I think of the word infestation, I just remember episode 39 of the magnus archives. All I can picture now are penguins burrowing into people's bodies and piloting them around like skin mechs

What's Lucille gonna do about PENGUINS, Syd?

I'm gonna start calling myself a flightless bastard

...The penguins were building their numbers until there were enough to properly bury you? I'm sorry I'll stop

(Now I can't stop imagining a circular doorway made of penguins embedded in porous rock from which penguins seep.)

I feel like the flamethrower would've been a better idea Lucille. Also, Syd, don't let the penguins know about the flamethrower!

Jeddy's high on mercury fumes I'm calling it

Glad Syd still had some worms left after Heffalump Man ate them last time. But they just got eaten all over again! :(

Syd: No! Don't kill me! Let me go!! Aaaaaaaaahh!!

The Music: mmmmmwOwOwmmmmm

"wouldn't be the first time" I'm sorry???

I wonder if Lucille is just gonna flame these penguins at the first opportunity. I mean, the main reason they were a threat is because everyone was scattered, right? So when the rain is gone, she can just flame them, right?

You can tell this takes place in a bizarro world because people are going to summer camp in 2021

But the penguins were cruel first, Syd! Let Lucille melt her foes! Cruelty to humans is also animal cruelty...

I can just imagine the deafening silence in all the cabins when Syd goes "Who's the best camp nurse? :D"

Butter for the vegans? Well, at least they got bread...

Sure, it's raining death and you almost got eaten by birds, but cheer up, guys :D

25:25? Like 1:25? Or is this just The Dark Hour?

Maybe Jeddy is secretly a penguin. Or he orchestrated the whole event. I'm telling you, he's evil, I can feel it!

The student list sounds like a "What's would your name be if you were a member of The Mechanisms" name generator thing

Why would you slander Lucille though? (Her flamethrower suddenly made her my favorite character)

I'm the reverse of Sydney, I hate talking and I can only make sense of my thoughts and emotions through writing.

Syd's worried about Jeddy? They're bunking together???

(oh my god they were roommates)

If I didn't nearly fail chemistry, I'd switch from flightless bastard to scrawny science man

Oh, Jeddy is the nurse's assistant. I thought he was just a slightly unnecessary science teacher

Jedidiah Jumpscare!

"project" yeah sure Jeddy..........

See, Jeddy, what you don't understand is that you go to sleep in the morning once and your sleep schedule is messed up for like a month

Jeddy doesn't care about the children confirmed

"You're always fine" YEAH NO THANKS TO YOU JEDDY

"I just stare at the wall for eight hours a night, Syd. It's nothing, don't worry about it."

Goodnight Sydney! Even if you're not really going to sleep

Wait no don't let Jeddy drag you into his awful sleeping habits too!!

Well that was also very fun! I hope Lucille and her flamethrower show up more in the future! I'm also beginning to wonder how long everyone working at the camp have known each other, since apparently Jeddy and Syd are childhood friends and Lucille favors Sydney.

I don't even fully understand why I'm so convinced Jeddy is Bad News. I think his vibes just agitate me? Set me on edge? I don't trust him.

I know Heffalump Man made a bad first impression by eating all your worms, Syd, but he was just trying to communicate his needs! See, he's good at communication! And you always feel so relaxed around him! He's a calming presence :)

What I'm saying is Syd should dump Jeddy for Pink Elephant Man

I'll have some meta up once I've sorted through all my thoughts! See you then!

[forever-will-last]

How did this amazing polycule come to be? Both in verse and in the discord if it isn't too much trouble

Sooooo in verse? I don't have an answer LOL the lovely thing about crackfic is you don't always really need an explanation for stuff like this. I have no idea how this polycule came to be but what I DO know is that the in verse characters do NOT follow canon. There was no burn book. There was no bus. Regina still got her back fucked up at one point (not entirely sure how yet, or if I'll go into the details of whatever accident she did have at all) but that's just bc I love disabled and chronically ill Regina and want to write her into some of the one shots.

When did these characters meet? Was it high school? Was it college? Who fucking knows! All I know is the EARLIEST in their four years we'll see is the fall semester of their sophomore (second, for the non Americans) year of college with occasional references to things that happened spring semester freshman year (I only mention this bc I literally reference exactly one thing from freshman year in chapter 3, not sure if itll ever pop up again) because I'm being purposefully vague about it. Maybe later on into writing in this verse I'll have more of a concrete answer but I wouldn't count on it lmfao.

As for the discord server, that I CAN give a better answer on! And this is going to be the WILDEST answer of all time so hang in there.

So we have channels for three different poly ships in our ships channel list on that server: one for Polystics (Regina/Gretchen/Karen (and sometimes Cady, depending on the person/mood/setting/etc)), one for Nightmare Blunt Rotation (Regina/Cady/Janis) and one for Dream Blunt Rotation (Cady/Gretchen/Karen). Now, Nightmare Blunt Rotation as a joke predates me joining that server, so I can't really give you much on how THAT came to be, but Dream Blunt Rotation's name was spawned as a riff on the other, obviously.

Literally just last week we were having one of our "blending sessions" where we basically just brainstorm back and forth about what a specific character or characters would do in a specific situation that can be varying degrees of angst. For example, one of these blending sessions is actually how the entirety of the first Dead!Aaron AU Fic came to be.

In this particular session we were taking a deeper dive into "what if Regina jumped in front of the bus and it wasn't an accident" essentially and I had said something along the lines of "Sui***** Regina in any partnership (take your pick from the standard and adjust their reactions accordingly) where she doesn't let on that there's anything wrong until an attempt."

I was primarily thinking of Cady, Janis, and Gretchen when I sent that, as those are the big three Regina x ___ ships in that server, but someone else said "consider Polystics where she attempts bc she thinks the other two would be better off without her" and this had me thinking. What if there was an insane polycule of Polystics + Cady + Janis...

So I asked the fateful question of "do we have a silly name for this yet like NBR and DBR?" The original suggested names were "Pile of Lesbians", "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", "Mean Girls", and then... The brilliant Tumblr user Sexycornenthusiast busted out "The Psych Ward" and that was it. We all laughed really fucking hard and knew that had to be the insane name.

This all happened on 4/17 and then on 4/20 I got astronomically high as god intended but I really wanted to write. Now, I have a rule for myself where I don't write fic I intend to publish when I'm high or drunk bc I generally write very serious fic (I cannot imagine what hell chapter of a thousand pictures i would have put out with the level of high I was). But I still REALLY wanted to write so I was like fuck it and asked for one-shot suggestions.

Someone recommended hitting Regina with progressively weirder things throughout the day, as we have an ongoing joke about the various shit Regina gets hit by in fanfic (there's a PHENOMENAL cadina fame au another server member wrote where Regina gets hit by a golf cart and then in my main fic a thousand pictures Regina gets hit by a chair). I loved that idea but was like "wait what ship should I write this with bc I want the first thing to be her getting elbowed by her partner when she wakes up" and someone suggested psych ward and that was it. I knew what I had to do.

After I wrote that one shot i started getting more ideas for this crackfic and decided to make a one shot collection set in the same AU because fuck it. The world needs more crackfic and by God does the world need more psych ward.

(final fun fact before I end this behemoth of a post - I tagged every possible duo/trio of psych ward on the fic on AO3 because I do intend to have at least one chapter dedicated to each possible pairing or trio and there are SEVERAL tags where this is now the only fic in its tag and SEVERAL of the trio tags I had to fully type out because they straight up did not exist at all LMFAO)

[cloudymonet]

It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't slept, and I'm writing this thinking about someone that I want to desperately forget but I can't. Yes, it's you. I guess it's safe to write this since no one is going to read except me. Moreover, I'm out of your radar like I'm completely vanished from this world just like you did years ago when you left me without any explanation.

After all these years, I still demand closure. How many years is it? Eight years? And how many days did it take for you to forget me? Forget everything we ever had even if it was just for a second? I thought I managed to forget you completely and let go of everything but I lied to myself and to everyone else. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this for you.

The mixed feelings I have towards you keep haunting me for years. Do I hate you? Do I still love you? Neither of the answers is right, yet I can't explain it with words. I'm sorry that I made you sound like a bad person because I told my friends of how cruel you treated me. I talked behind you with the assumption you did the same to me. That was the first time I fell hard, in love and out of love. Oh how you crashed everything in just one night without saying a single thing. I didn't know what I did wrong to you, but judging by your reaction, I must've done something terrible. Was it because I found another women's picture in your wallet? Was it because I made you uncomfortable to make remarks about how suspicious the situation was? Was it because I stayed silent on our way back? In that case, I apologize. Something that I said must've hurt your feelings and maybe also your pride. And in just one night, you acted like we never happened. Like I never existed.

Have you ever thought about me ever since that incident? I wanted to know the truth, so I dig deeper about you. The more I try to reveal the truth, the more I get hurt. Did you remember the crazy texts I've sent to you that night? Begging you to say something to clarify what really happened between us? Did you remember how I got far just to make you say something? Did you avoid me even more because of that? I didn't realize back then what I was doing. Present me would laugh about it because I tried so hard to get your attention back not knowing the absence of your presence is a sign that you didn't wish to have anything related to me anymore. I should've known that and respect your boundaries but then again, why? I only need an explanation, that's it. I guess that was the reason why I was so mad, I acted like I went mental.

However no matter how hard you hide it, the truth will prevail itself by one way or another. I received a little information about what really happened to you that time. Some said you had a girlfriend already and you used me as your little side chick. Was it because I look way too naive in your eyes? Some said you used me as a bet, you told your friends about how proud you are to get my attention. Some said, you were suffering to the point that you have to move and happened to get your parents picked you up. I feel sorry for you. This, I don't lie. My heart ached when I found out that you were struggling because that wasn't how I know you. In my eyes, you're strong and confident. Like you will have no trouble when something gets in your way but I was wrong after all. I didn't know you very well and I was ashamed of myself. I should've been that harsh to you, I should've not pushed you to give me closure, I should've not made everything even worse for you. Even after everything, I still care about you. Is it irony or pure sympathy?

I did everything to forget you, with the help of my friends and my family. It was so unfortunate that you never know how much my family liked you, especially my late mother. They didn't say anything bad to you when they found out about it. Instead, they told me that it's normal for a relationship to just break like that. They hope I would outgrow the feeling I had for you and learn from this. About my friends, well, they kinda had bad feelings about you since the beginning but as everyone said: love is blind. I closed my eyes and listened to no one, I chose you instead. Anyway, they helped me to get up from "the grave" and cheer me up. The Instagram thing, it was their idea. I've never been a social media person. I hate Instagram, to be honest. I had once and it didn't turn out well for me because something made me uncomfortable sharing my daily life so I had to close the account and yet I made a new one because they thought I would need it. In order to forget the old one, you must get a new one, that was the plan. It wasn't right. I can't just use people like that for my own benefit. The intention wasn't pure, thus no connection would ever be made. Even after I talked to those guys, no one could even come close to you.

Years later, I got a notification that made my heart jump. You contacted me all of a sudden, I thought it would be awkward but it went well. We shared a couple of voice notes, how nice it was to hear your voice again. We even joke to each other, make fun of ourselves back then. We apologized and forgave each other. Was it done for us? No. Then, you said you wanted to visit my town since you missed it and you asked for my number. I contemplated for a moment. In the end, I pushed you and that's it. We never heard about each other again up to this day. At that time, I was afraid to fall for you again. How dangerous it was to talk to you, so I choose to close the door first this time.

Days went by with me resisting the urge to check on your social media, be it Instagram or Twitter. I wonder what you do. Then, I found a tweet between you and your friend. Let's call him A. I didn't know what the fuck just happened because how could A be interested in me when he fucking knew that we dated before (even though I'm not sure what kind of situation we were in). Something wasn't right. You said to him, to take care of me. I found it bittersweet. My delusional ass thought you still care about me but I didn't like it at all, I felt like I was being thrown away to your friend. Like saying: I'm done with her, you can have her. I thought I was fine after all these years yet I lied to myself again. I now realized there's still a tiny part of me that loves you, still. I wish I hated you, but I can't.

I know nothing about first love, or love in general. But I know that I was my happiest when you were around me. I love the way you approached me first when others only made me uncomfortable. I love how you react to my jokes that only I found it funny. I love how you responds to every shit I said no matter how ridiculous it is. I love to hear your voice when you're sleepy. I love how kind you are to me. I love how we share the same frequency. I love how we hate the same person. I love when you seek comfort in between my fingers. I love how your hands fit mine. I love the way your eyes disappear when you smile. I love the day would just get brighter just by hearing you laugh. I love how you love to eat as much as I do. I found love in every part of you and how I wish it would go different for both of us. If only I didn't say such a stupid thing that day, would we still be together?

It was the first I ever felt so loved and admired. You were the first guy I ever introduced to my family when you never did the same thing to me. You were the first guy I baked brownies for. You were the first guy I ever related to. You were the first guy I ever date. And I'm thankful for your existence. I'm thankful for those moments where you made my life more meaningful. I'm thankful we met each other. Who knows we got the chance to get close just because I forgot to bring a marker on the first day we met?

Meeting you was something that I won't regret. Thanks to you, I learned a lot. I've lost someone but I found myself again. I won't let anyone bring me down again. I won't let myself fall hard for someone, ever again. I don't know where you are now. Whether you're still alive or not. Whether you're married or not. I hope you're doing fine and find happiness in every little thing. I hope nothing and no one will ever harm you. You're loved so much more than you know, may troubles be far from your mind. I hope you're becoming someone you once wished for. I hope you know that I'll always be cheering for you.

Finally, it feels like all the pain and burdens in my chest are being lifted. May we meet again in another life and time. I don't know what we'll become, maybe I could be born again as a human and you'll be the stone I would kick. Maybe in another life, we won't hurt each other. Maybe in another life, we'd bicker about something trivial. No matter what we'd become, I'd like to meet you again. Thank you for not turning my stomach into butterflies but bringing comfort instead when you walked in my life, Brian.

[canigetacupofugh]

Anxiety from Trauma/Abuse + ADHD (pt 1)

The recent thing I'm dealing with is getting to know an old friend again and the anxiety I keep feeling whenever he responds in a way that isn't clearly happy.

I hate this. It's not fair to him or me that I am broken in this way. It makes me have little anxiety attacks and sometimes leap into over-explaining myself and suddenly spamming him these explanations instead of just waiting to see what he says next.

He's been super patient and understanding the whole time, never given me a single reason to expect him to respond poorly, yet here I am freaking out sometimes.

I talked to Husbeast about this - he's actually the one that encouraged me to reach out to Old Friend - and he pointed out that I keep assuming a negative tone first, and needing to see proof it's not negative before I can see how his tone may have been nonchalant or joking.

My Trauma/Abuse comes from being yelled at all the time and punished for things- which I feel like isn't a HUGE deal, but here we are middle aged and still dealing with the resulting anxiety!

I've learned that people who are ADHD take rejection a LOT harder. And applying that to what I know about myself - I control that by being hyper aware of everything I do and how that might come off so I don't get rejected, OR so I expect the rejection, and make myself not value that person's opinion of me.

A brief background - If my parents were mad it meant yelling and spanking and taking away whatever I was obsessed with. So I am hyper-focused on making sure I don't make the person in control of the thing I want/need mad. (in the case of making new friends, the thing I want/need is the friendship and their acceptance).

I don't think what my parents did with me was right, but I can look at it now as a parent, AND with an understanding of what they went through as well, what knowledge just wasn't common then, and I can understand how it happened. I have compassion for who they were then and see where they tried to be better. They didn't MAKE me cope this way, they didn't know this is how I'd end up - they tried to do better. And at the end of the day, now that I'm an adult, it's -my- job to fix this. It hasn't been their job for a long time now, even if I wanted to blame them, I can only blame them for a poor foundation they started me with - how I fix that moving forward is up to me.

There's no healing in staying mad at them. Been there, processed it, lets fix it.

So recently Old Friend answers a question oddly, and me, being the insanely obsessive analyzer I am look this over as much as possible.

Recently I heard that story about the 3 blind men who "see" an elephant for the first time. One touches the tail and says that an elephant is thin and hairy. Another touches the tusk and says that elephants are smooth and pointy. The third touches its side and says they're both wrong, an elephant is huge, with sparce hair and wrinkly skin. They are all partially correct and wrong to dismiss the other's opinions - the point being that they don't have the full picture.

I usually can see MOST of the picture. I'm creative, I've been through a lot, I ask a LOT of questions so I understand how and why people reach their conclusions - I'm pretty good at seeing most of the angles and allow that maybe there are some I didn't see and I listen...

And even though I can clearly SEE the angle where Old Friend is being reasonable and fine and not mad at all - I still freak out. Because the majority of my experiences similar to this one, somebody got mad at me and rejected me or took something away.

When this sort of thing happens on a good day I don't do anything weird. If he's not responding quickly, I walk away from the chat, distract myself, or tell myself he's not like my parents or the abuser I was with for a while - and 100% of the time so far, he's cool, we're cool, I'm just being neurotic.

On a bad day I spam him with explanations and pre-apologies and even acknowledge I'm letting my anxiety get to me.

And so far, 100% of the time he reassures me and is unbothered by my spam except for wanting me to be okay - so why do I keep freaking out???

It's because I don't trust him yet, and I want to.

People have played the long game with me- or at least it felt like it because I didn't see or ignored the red flags. So I am very once bitten, twice shy about REAL trust.

Here's the thing - REAL trust is earned, not won. And lack of trust isn't the same as DISTRUST.

And I think this is true for everybody, it's just more important to those of us who have been hurt.

He's doing great at earning my trust, but the full-on confidence in our friendship level of trust isn't there yet. It's only been a year and I'm a veteran of being betrayed - this is fine. I'm not failing at giving trust and he's not failing at earning it. And he's not asking for more than he's earned so far.

I have to break away from my old thinking, from the instincts I was given - Lack of trust does not equal distrust! Not trusting somebody yet isn't an insult, it's fucking smart. And it's a healthy process if I allow room for trust to grow.

I am damned good at reading people and my self defense mechanism is to read micro-expressions and apply all my past experiences and imagined things to determine what they might be thinking/feeling/etc so I can respond in a way that gets the results I want - pleasing them, expressing myself more accurately to how they'll understand it, making them laugh. Because pleasing people and being liked is how I survive. It's how I cope. If people like me, they're more likely to TRY to understand if I communicate poorly or do something weird. It buys me time before Big Mad happens and I get rejected or something I care about gets taken away.

I responded to my trauma not by not caring, but by caring even more, because that motivated me to tailor my behavior and who I present myself as as somebody you'll like and it's taken me what feels like a lifetime to let go of that shit when it's strangers or somebody who's already broken my trust. Fuck 'em, I don't need them to like me. It's okay.

Unfortunately for the recent social thing with Old Friend, my only past to pull from were a couple people who were/are gaslighters. 2 are family and fall under the - I love you but I don't like you category (a whole other blog!) - and the other is my abusive ex.... so I freaked out and didn't have the confidence of REAL trust to shut it up or wait it out.

I couldn't apply that confidence to see it as probably just an awkward wording and a totally fine response that just needed further communication. THEN I let my desire for things to be okay (because I really want this to be a closer friendship) made me impatient and desperate for it to be fixed.

I'm so used to being the only one invested enough or aware enough to see the problem, so I'm the only one WILLING to do the work to fix it- so I spammed him some anxious messages and clarifications before finally telling myself and him that I should just shut up and let him respond before I assume things.

Again, he was 100% chill and helpful and not like my past abusers at all...

So yeah- learning/reaffirming experiences while building a new friendship... and I'm sharing so maybe you don't feel alone, or maybe I give you that "aha!" moment that leads to processing your trauma or at least understanding how you responded to it.

Hi, I'm Shawn, and one of my adjectives is Anxious!

[fluffydragon22]

Replacing the Memories and Afterglow

--

(My own view and thoughts regarding certain life events that changed the way i see people completely.)

--

It sounds absurd, of course, but i would like to be able to delete and/or replace certain memories. Just like what we could see in the novel "Hujan" by Tere Liye.

It's true when people say that memories should be treasured because when a person has gone, all they leave is the memory so we have to cherish it.

But certain memories bring nothing but painful flashbacks. So wouldn't it be cool to delete those memories and be free from 'em? I wonder when will humanity can make that kind of machine, i hope i'm still alive if it does come true.

--

Memory is not only connected between people, but also other things like pictures, places, musics, and so on. So obviously, when someone has a memory of another person, there's a high chance that it will also involve those things.

The problem is if the memory itself is the bad one, or let's say, the sad memory that's connected to those lifeless things. You can delete someone's contact or block them completely off any social media, or their pictures, but you can't delete places or musics.

Place will always be there regardless of whether you like it or not, unless it's completely destroyed and/or completely being rebuilt.

Music will not be deleted unless the artist or whoever is in charge take it down. Even if you stop listening to certain music, unliking the song, or whatever it is, it still has the chance of being played elsewhere and at the same time there's a chance of you "accidentally" listen to it.

Back to the top point, the easiest and best thing to do is to delete the memories related to those stuff, is it not? But for now, unless you have amnesia, it's nearly impossible to delete them.

--

I know that it's not my place to give advice, but i just wanna remind you that if you can, please leave the nice memories for those you're close with. You'll never know when the tide will change which can get you separated from them in a blink of an eye.

Bad or sad memories are worse than the good one in terms of the effect. Speaking from my own experience, i've abandoned some of my favourite hobbies because of those bad memories.

Being shouted by my parents to stop drawing cars and focus on studying because drawing is useless, or being told by my friend that my laugh is cringe, or being told by someone that i love so much that i'm not a good person because i can't be like what she wanted.

Those memories left huge scars within myself and i'm not even sure if it can be healed. I'm not saying that i was pure and never did the same thing to others, in fact one person once told me that i went beyond her boundaries and i'm sure it also counts as bad memory for her.

That's why i said that it's not my place to give advice, but then again, please, be nice and leave the good memories for those you're close with. You never know, maybe what you do can be the reason they give up or the reason they keep going.

--

Everglow

Everglow was one of my favourite song. It was released by Coldplay in the album A Head Full of Dreams from 2016 if i'm not mistaken. Since it's release until the end of January 2022, Everglow stood as my all-time favourite song.

But then you perhaps wonder "Why do you say until the end of January 2022 when it's already August?"

Memories, as i said above, tied to every kind of thing in our lives, including music. Mine is no different.

On my last birthday, someone i love so much sang me that song, yes Everglow by Coldplay. I fell in love with her harder than ever the moment she sang it. So then my memories of that song was tied to her surprise singing that night.

About a month after my birthday, she decided to breakup and instantly blocked every social media that i have. No sufficient explanation about why she wanted to breakup so it was the second most painful, one-sided goodbye for me. Second after the death of my friend back then.

You see, that Everglow song was related to that someone that i love so much. Now she was no longer there for me and the memories she left became the painful one to remember. So i decided, a week after she left, that i would forget about that song altogether, including the original one from Coldplay themselves.

You may call me as overdramatizing the situation, but that's the reason. Everyone is different and the issue that i faced forced me to take this measure in order to save myself from worse scenario. I don't need your validation, i just wanna write about it in this section.

But i think you can get the big picture of what happened, right?

"I wish our parting wasn't like that, i wish our parting was my death so then i don't need to live in agony of wishing her to comeback."

--

To be continued in part 2

[winkong]

The viral load

The last two weeks have been really tough. I thought I had mostly come out to the other side of the woods. I thought I had honed my mental agility skills at dealing with the trauma and the hurt of it all.

The metaphor about smell and memories, the image of the walls of frustration and anger coming up and chipping them away, and even the picture of the knife that she stabbed me in the back with, that I have to hand over to God rather then continually reintroducing into my wound again.

But like a viral load that builds up into a full blown sickness, the last 2 weeks have proven difficult to weather through.

I am glad that I did not have any contact with Lo for a few months. What she disclosed to me about Faye's coldness, and either actual delusion or attempt at self justification was infuriating. To hear about how little she cared for me and just how much she viewed what she did or didn't do was not wrong. And it was a small win that Lo saw right through that bullshit, that I haven't just been looking at my situation with bias that I am the victim. That objectively, other people hearing the story even before hearing my side could tell Faye's was bullshit.

But then there was the call with Yvonne. Which in the moment was good to vent and good to talk through and good to have someone else who now knows of the actual situation. But it was that impression that she independantly got on how infatuated, or I guess, "in love" Faye had become with Blaire, that has been plaguing my mind for most of these days.

Maybe Faye never became infatuated with me. And maybe I was never displayed openly my infatuations with her. I don't think that thats true. I enjoyed touting her as 'my fiancee' to Kate in conversation. I remember smiling to myself, thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world, whenever I'd kiss Faye goodbye and close her door. I feel like such a loser now, to think that on the other side of the door, who knows, maybe Faye was giving a sigh of relief that this dickhead was finally out of her apartment, and she could go back to texting chinese secrets over wechat to her bitch in crime.

I hate that I can't wholedheartedly enjoy my friends weddings. I hate that a significant portion of my mind is hung up on the fact that I feel its not fair. That my non-christian friends are all getting family married and into stable relationships. That they're somehow making it work. And yet, me, the christian, seemingly went into this wholesome christian relationship, engagement, tried to do the right thing by stopping sexual activity pre-marriage, and instead its like I'm getting 'punished' for my addictions and sins.

I know this is not the case. I know that Faye and I breaking up is not punishment. It is instead a miracle. It is instead protection. It is instead God intervening for the both of us, because it seems pretty evident that later on down the track our personal problems would've become much bigger problems between us.

As much as my mind is good at bringing in reasoning, logic, explanation, my heart is still feeling so much hurt over reliving and recounting the fact that Faye without a hint of hesitation chose Blaire over me. And my mind just can't let it go.

It feels like I'm moving backwards again. Like I'm back at square one again. I thought I had moved on further than this. I'm hoping that writing this blog at 2AM will help me move in a forward direction.

But these days, it feels like everything is becoming a trigger for me again. Siqi keeps reminding me of Faye, simply because she is a mainlander. In fact any mandarin that I hear triggers me. As well as peoples iphone ringtones when they're the same as the wechat tone that I had. I've become so fragile again. I've been finding it hard to forget, to move aside, to focus on other things again. I can't let this take over me again. I thought I had measures in place to handle this, that my mind was stronger and more agile than this. But it feels like I'm regressing.

I just feel so unhappy about it all. I can have resolution about it. I can understand it. I can believe that God has been good throughout all of it. But I can't help feeling so unhappy about it.

I guess in terms of the viral load, its not that detrimental but it was also not that helpful that we happened to bump into Lucie and her new bf Kyle. Kyle is a super cool guy, and I saw that they had chemistry, sparks between them.

I know that God is looking out for me. Even if we go down that childish thinking of the 'signs' that God has been giving me, isn't the fact that Lucie and Kyle happened to walk past the bench Lo and I were sitting at at 9:45pm on a Wednesday an incredibly clear sign that I'm not the one to be dating Lucie? That yes, you were right Winston. Now is not the time to be thinking about getting into a new relationship. Now is the time to wait, and to work on yourself.

I dislike that answer. Its simple, but its unenjoyable too.

Its all a daily grind.

I'm hoping this journalling will help with the daily grind. Even journalling is something that brings up the smell and memory of Faye.

I wonder what depth of secrets belong in those journals of her. What would she have written about me? What was the true narrative playing out, the one omitted from those romantic, pure journal entries she recited for me onto our anniversary CD. Evidentally, that can't have been the whole picture. I never knew the whole picture. And now, I'm not part of the picture. In fact, maybe I never was.

I swore to myself I wouldn't shed another tear over this girl. Over this dumb situation.

But I just can't help but feel so unhappy right now. I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep moving forward. I'm gonna keep myself from disappearing and from giving up and giving in to the shit of all of this.

But I feel unhappy about it. That's just reality. Holy Spirit I need You. I need You to come and fix me. I've let myself get so broken by all this shit.

God, I know that You love me. And I know that that is all I need. All that I should need. All that I ought to need.

Why am I trying to fill this void with anything else. Why do I still feel so unhappy and upset about this whole situation with Faye. She isn't even a topic of discussion amongst my high school friends. For all they care, they only care for me, they don't care at all about Faye. She's irrelevant and insignificant to my life story according to them. It's been months now. Why haven't I moved on yet?

When will I stop being upset and unhappy about all of this? Is it when I become indifferent to it all? The fact that I'm not indifferent, does that show that I'm still in love with Faye?

I just don't want to become indifferent. I feel like the cost to become indifferent will be to let a significant part of myself die. The part of myself that believes in young, romantic love. I don't want to die to that belief. But its really hard to keep living with it right now too.

[3desiderium3]

For your love

chapter six - Spring day

[ series masterlist ]

previous chapter | next chapter

pairings : reader x damiano david

story summary : damiano and reader are in very loving relationship that sometimes almost too quickly becomes too toxic for anyone likings

chapter warning (s) : this is sad af i made myself sad once again , some strong language and violent behavior , mentions of alcoholism , suicide and depression

They say healing takes time .

For Y/N time felt cruel . It was cold and slow .

It felt like winter . Y/N hated winter . That cold cruel and monstrous time of the year always left deep cuts on her brain and her soul . Every year for her was separated in 2 parts .

One was surviving the winter and having to deal mentally with all the problems and abnormally painful experiences . Constantly drowning .

The other part was trying to swim out of that freezing lake of trauma before she suffocated .

She hated the winter cause that was the time Damiano and her met .

She was never going to erase that day from her head and she was never going to forget each individual pain she felt in that period .

The pain he caused .

She always felt so melancholic and dizzy in that time of the year . Lost . Alone . Fragile .

One and half month has passed since she left Damiano and that month felt exactly like winter.

' I miss you

Saying this only makes me miss all you more

Even though I'm looking at your photo

Time's so cruel , I hate us

It's all winter here , Even in August '

She didn't hear a word from him . From almost no one actually . She disconnected from the real world fully . Only keeping the contact with Thomas , her parents and Vic of course .

Ethan had a hard time figuring out on his own what was happening . But he remained silent .

He didn't wanted to pick up the bleeding wound .

Y/N spent that month in her room . Crying . Trying not to focus on the sharp pains in her chest each night as she would listen over and over again Damiano's voice messages and Måneskins songs . She restored all the deleted pictures . She stopped eating and drinking water . She was just smoking in her bed and sleeping next to an overfill ashtray . Her hair always greasy and tied up . Her eyelashes always soaked up in tears . She avoided human touch the best she could .

Thomas was trying so hard to get her out of that depressive state along with Victoria .

They failed each time . And every other .

So they stopped forcing what the couldn't get .

Måneskin wasn't having rehearsals yet . Well I mean they did sometimes . But without Damiano .. Not because they weren't in touch but because every time they schedule one he cancels it .

He never showed actually up . Always having some lame excuses behind him .

Y/N was constantly playing their shared memories in her head like a dusty retro movie .

It was all she was thinking about . Nothing else . Everything was black and non existing beside him .

Just him .

How is he ? Did he ate today ? Is he sleeping well ? Is he having fun without her ? Is he with someone else ?

She often found herself lost in thoughts filled with suspicion , such as was he ever cheating on her etc etc .

The more time she spent with Victoria the more she became obsessed with an idea that Damiano and her used to have thing .

Some of Damiano's stuff appearing in her apartment such as jewelry and clothes .

An idea of going through Victoria's messages with him was also on her mind all day .

Y/N was always one click away from sending him that ' Hey I miss you , how you've been ? ' message . But always deleting it and putting her phone away .

When she was not thinking of him she was dreaming him . She was dreaming of his apologizes . All the things she wanted him to say to her he only spoke in a dream .

' I miss you

How long do I have to wait

How many nights do I have to pass

To see you ? '

Every day passed so slow because every day was the same .

She would woke up , trying to memorize and analyze all the dreams she had about Damiano , cry because she misses him and his sweet praises , maybe eat something , go back to bed and cry , smoke and drink , vomit if she feels like it , shake from all that stress until her stomach aches , cry and sleep for the rest of the day and at the end she goes back to sleep while thinking of him and later on dreaming of him .

Very often she questioned if this was the best option . Was it a good thing that she just went ? Was it a good thing that she broke up ? Maybe she should've given him second chance .. Maybe she should've at least tell him she planned on leaving , or leave a not whatever .

But he gave up so easily ..

He gave up ...

He never bothered finding her or searching for her ..

' I try to exhale you

Like white smoke

I say that I'll erase you

But I can't let you go yet . '

Y/N felt confused and like her tongue was cut off . She craved for some answers and explanations feeling like she was left unfinished with her words .

Would her even consider responding to her call ?

It was easy for her to explain how she felt but it was hard to understand .

She felt like she had her lungs overfilled with air , like someone kept pouring hot gelatin water on her head , like her bones where heavy , she was exhausted , paranoid , lonely , scared ...

But healing takes time ..

Already two full months passed . Y/N felt like the winter inside of her slowly started to turn into spring .

She gathered some hope for her , she felt like she was able to bloom and breath again .

The final day came . The day she left the house . Well the day she left her room . She washed her hair , she dressed nicely and cleaned up her disgusting room .

Victoria was proud . She almost shaded tears of joy . Her friend started the healing process and she was there by her side .

Y/N went in town to buy some simple groceries .

The day was hot and sunny , people had smiles on their faces . She hasn't landed a thought on Damiano for the past 2 or more days .

She was almost done with shopping when she entered one larger store to buy one single thing she couldn't find anywhere .

And oh boy ... She had what to see ...

She saw him . For the first time she saw him . How didn't she manage to spot his car outside ? Why today ? ?

She felt overwhelmed . Lump in her throat as her clothes became tight on her . She tried pretending she didn't saw him .

But she did . And she memorized every detail from his head to toe .

He looked flawless . No sight of fatigue on his face , no sight of suffer or regret . No nothing . He looked fine . Like he hadn't spent a night without sleep or day without shower . He looked fresh , rested and glamorous .

It awoke rage in Y/N . She was so sure he was feeling at least a bit of the pain she felt . But she saw that he was wrong .

That one fucking ingredient she needed was in a row in front of him , there was no way that he didn't saw her ..

She kept walking , gaze straight ahead pretending she didn't spotted him . But with the edge of her eye she saw him looking at her and making his direction towards her .

Y/N panicked . She practically ran towards the cashier and out of the store felling like all the air she felt overfilling her lungs disappeared .

" Do you need a drive ? " That voice . That velvety sweet voice sent chills to her spine , she was mad . So god damn mad that he was fine doing just fine . Who knows ? Maybe he even moved one with someone else by his side .

' Is it you who changed?

Or is it me?

I hate even this moment that is passing by

I guess we are changed

Just like everyone you know '

" I gotta go to another store it is really close . " Y/N tried lying . " Oh no problem I can drop you off . " He sounded so normal and casual .

Like they where fucking acquaintances not ex lovers .

At this point she didn't felt like resisting . So she just simply went in his car praying that there indeed was some store near .

" How've you've been Y/N ? " " Good. " There was a certain moment of silence . " And you ? " "Just the casual you know . I went to see Ethan this morning and I stopped by to buy bear there is a game tonight . "

" It's here . Thanks for the drop out . "

Y/N said and almost ran out of the car slamming it hardly behind her.

She entered that store and pretended to search for something until she saw him leaving behind the block .

She sighed , tears running gently down her cheeks . She felt so ashamed and so betrayed . How dumb was she actually ? Thinking that he cared for her . ' If he wanted to call he would do it . If he wanted to see how I was he would do it . '

Somehow she dragged herself back to Victoria's . She didn't shared a word with her as she was making her way back to her bed .

Back to that cold room . The room that smelled like winter .

* meanwhile damiano's p.o.v *

Damiano was not doing well . He was sleeping in his stuff that still barely had any of Y/N's fragrance left . In 2 months since their break up nothing good happened to him . He moved back in in his and Y/N's house . Keeping it clean and in peace . He pretended as if they never broke up . He started talking to himself pretending like Y/N was listening . He had no one to yell at .

He slept on her side of the bed , ate on the same spot at the table she used to sit . Read her books on her chair in living room . Sleep in her t-shirts , walk around the house in socks and her hoodies . He cried every damn night . It was eating him alive .

How he let her slip through his fingers . How he made her run away .

When he wasn't sad he was mad . He was cursing her he was yelling and shouting in an empty room . Because he was simply broken and sad . Disappointed and unsatisfied . Mad at himself .

At first he was so determined to find her . There was not a person he asked where she lived , with who she was staying , did she changed her number . He searched for her everywhere . The other band members didn't wanted to tell him however . They knew but they pretended like they had no idea even if they where in touch with her every day . He was slowly losing hope for her .

Even in those toughest moments he tried not to come out as too soft or caring . He never dared to let anyone know how he truly felt . He always pretended like he was doing okay and like he was fine like he didn't care . He put extra effort in his personal looks so it appeared like he was glowing .

But it was eating him out alive every night .

Where is she , how is she , is she alive , is someone taking care of her and her needs ?

' Yeah, I hate you

You left me

But I never stopped thinking about you

Not even a day

Honestly, I miss you

But now I’ll erase you

Because it hurts less than to blame you '

He prayed he could just see her one more time .

And his prayers have been granted . He saw her . He finally did .

She seemed tinier than he remembered , dark circles under her eyes and her posture bended . He offered to give her ride just so he could see where she lives . He wanted to know if she was safe .

After she rejected him coldly he turned around the corner and waited in his car until she was back in his sight walking towards the very familiar path .

He was trying his best to remember how he knew this path .

And once he saw her entering Victoria's house he bit his tongue . He was gripping the wheel with such force his knuckles went white .

' So she was the one hiding you from me . '

Then it clicked inside of his brain .

Thomas knew , Victoria knew and Ethan knew .

They all knew where she was . And no one wanted to help him reach her . They made a fool our of him that day , letting him go in their house while knowing she wouldn't be there .. They made a fool out of him every day when they told him that they had no clue where she was .

He sat there and smoked at least 3 cigarettes before driving off to Thomas's place .

He was going to make a scene .

Måneskin gathered at Thomas's house for the game night .

Damiano silently went in . Prepared for the cold war . Three of them sat on a couch in living room across the huge TV , laughing . " Ay man did you bought the bear ? " Thomas asked still smiling .

Damiano huffed . He was so annoyed , he walked closer to Thomas almost towering him .

" I will fucking kill you . " Those words where followed by Damiano slapping his friend and Victoria letting out loud scream . Ethan gasped and tried separating them .

These two where on the floor wrestling with each others hands around their necks .

" Daminao stop what is wrong with you for fucks sake ! " Victoria yelled . Once they separated , she was rubbing Thomas's back , the golden boy was all red in his face and his eyes teary .

" YOU FUCKING KNEW ! ! ! ALL OF YOU FUCKING KNEW ! " The other members watched their friend in shock as he was exploding from rage . This type of behavior he didn't surfaced in months .

" ALL OF YOU ! FUCKING KNEW ! WHERE SHE WAS , HOW SHE'S BEEN AND YOU HELPED HER GET AWAY FROM ME ! ! ! "

Not only Damiano was shouting but he was also crying .

He was crying and sobbing with his lips visibly shaking , his hands in his hair . This was the first time he cried in front of them in 2 months .

" I WAS THE WORST ! I STILL AM ! SHE DESERVED BETTER ! BUT NONE OF YOU WANTED TO TELL ME IF SHE IS EVEN ALIVE ! "

" Dami - " " SHUT UP ! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS IS ! "

He was breathing very hard now . Not only his lips but his whole body was shaking now . " I need her .. I need Y/N ... I will rather die than not be in her arms again .. I - I want her back .. "

The only sound in the room was the background TV sound . Thomas , Victoria and Ethan watching Damiano cry in front of them and scream his pain out . They felt guilty .

" I need to call her .. "

A/N i used BTS song spring day in few references . Hope you like it and leave a heart on if you do <33

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