#me bc my birthday is next week
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#after a bus to a plane to a train to the underground to the room im staying in...im back in london#my calves are in their own personal layer of hell and my feet hate me but I HAD SO MUCH FUCKING FUNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also??? the guys i shared a hostel with???? were so fucking hot oh my god. there were 3 guys and me which i wasn't. expecting. BUT.#the one in the bunk above me was australian and he was nice enough to give me a usb port thing for my phone and i think#i think i fell in love with him he was so prettyyyyyyyyyyyy#never got his name. but ill remember him and his charger fondly#he even let me keep it which was super sweet#but my birthday is in 2 days and then next week is edinburgh and my TATTOO!!!!!!!!#cannot express how much is happening and how happy i am i genuinely dont think ive been this excited about life in. at least a decade.#i dont want this trip to end and i know i still have like 2 weeks but i dont want to GOOOOOO#but also i DOOOOO bc then i have BRASIL with my grandparents and im just FGBHJK<JHBGVBHNJ#sometimes i cannot believe this is my life but like then i remember the shell of a human being i was just a year ago and im like.#no ya know what i deserve this.#anyway yes im alive and now i need to go pass the fuck out. miss you all im sorry to everyone i still need to reply to. i havent forgotten.#and i will do it!!!!!!!!! but time is hard. for obvious reasons. hope you are all well and im sending everyone kisses ilyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!#personal
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I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.
#im over halfway at least. but fucking christ.#ive barely seen anyone i care about for weeks. im hardly sleeping. im in knee braces and im still in pain.#13 hours a day of people yelling at me. the busiest ive ever seen public transport. eating the most random sporadic shit.#no hobbies. very few friends or family. crying twice a day. i still havent been paid. binding!! binding 7am til midnight!!!! daily!!!!!#my whole body hurts im physically mentally emotionally exhausted im desperately lonely im not doing the things that make me feel fulfilled#when my loved ones are free im either working or passed out in pain and exhaustion#the boss is enabling all sorts of bullshit yet again#im not able to be a person anyone i care about deserves to know#and that makes me not want to know me either#that is at least when i have enough fractions of a spoon left to feel anything at all except upset or numb#i NEED this all to be over#my next free day is my sisters 21st birthday next month my fucking baby sister is turning 21 and i dont know what to get her#i dont have a brain im not being!! a person worth knowing!!!!#my gran fucking fell the other day she's hurt ive not visited her in ages bc of work and finance i want to see my wee gran i want#to buy her ice cream and tell her i love her#i had to clean up an old guy who smashed his face on the pavement today and im just putting That trauma off til at least mid September#my BEST FRIEND gets MARRIED next week#and i can barely think about it because im on empty#im on below empty#they deserve so much better from me#im out. im not doing this again. not like this.
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My nails r getting kind of long. Almost to claw mode. I kinda don't wanna cut them tho bc I kinda wanna paint them for my birthday weekend
Nonzero chance of seeing my mom on mother's day. By my own choice, I guess. And I'm still not sure how I'm feeling about that. But ykno what, it'll be my birthday weekend, and I'm going to make sure to live it to the fullest..!!!
#speculation nation#my thoughts about her are all jumbled up after losing my dad & then her hospital visit a few weeks back.#and i bought her a thing of earrings from the farmer's market. i havent bought her a present in Years.#idk if it's just compulsory reaction to How Things Are rn. but. idk.#it never has been simple i suppose.#god i really do hate that my birthday is always near mother's day..!!!!! my forever curse!!!!!#at least leap year made me dodge a day-of event this year. the last one was when i turned 21#but bc of leap year my bday went from saturday to monday. missing mother's day by a day ❤️#makes me wonder what sort of life i'll be living 6 years from now. when i think the next mother's day event will be.#will i still have a mother then? i have no fuckin clue#my heart tells me no. but i also have 'everyone in my life is going to die soon' paranoia now so thats probably biased.#Oh Well. either she dies or she doesnt! i'll deal with it either way.#in any case. birthday! nail painting!!! i think i want to do color changing nails#my favorite blue/green polish that ends up being teal on the in between. love that shit so much
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filling my friend in on the house drama got so serious that i had to log into whatsapp on my laptop for ease of typing
#it’s been such a week!#(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again#i do however think ive got somewhere to live next year. started my new modules one of them is absolutely shambolic like we're laughing bc#otherwise we'd cry. went to a pub quiz with laura last night we fucking smashed it came second just two points off first...and my new book#turned up in the post i got stewart lees biography!! he is my favourite comedian there are very few stand up comedians i find funny but#he is my favourite...probably going 2 start that 2day : ^ ) happy february!! what are you all getting me for my birthday. QUICK
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long shot asking this here, but anyone ideas what to get for the birthday of a 3 year old that you’ve never met in person?
#lily talks#it’s my Japanese friend’s daughter’s birthday next week and bc my mum is busy I have been tasked with choosing and sending something#I do not know this child#the only connection we have is that she ALMOST was born on the same date as me lol
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more fuckin fool me
thinking this hell would at least be partially over by next month lmaooo
get me out of here guys pls
#on the one hand im sort of distracted from the other thing upsetting me but on the other#i am unmedicated and just got given the sort of news that's gonna turn me into a gibbering wreck if shit goes sideways for a third time#its my goddamn birthday next week will i be spending it stuck in my room again bc the atmosphere in the house is so unbearable to be around?
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hi all i love listening to st. vincent i could be listening to a pretty lowkey song that’s obvs building up to something and then boom. the noise!!!
#i love songs that are just pretty chill then THE NOISE#anyway i need to stop coming back at the end of the month…testing lowkey killing me#i took my SATs 9 days ago and i think it was ok but i have testing next week sooo#i’ll probs fully be back in like. early ish may a lot will be off my plate then i miss being in touch w/ this site 💔#but i’m also not on hiatus bc i’ll be lurking just not posting. shhhh ok stream all born screaming that came out today APPARENTLY#miss this site miss the mutuals godddd#also lesbian visibility week HAPPY BIRTHDAY LESBIANS#my text#st. vincent#Spotify
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my cousin surprise visited. conflicted feelings
#haven’t seen him since he went off to fashion school#which btw he got 3 awards after his 1st year for best student and shit#and i'm SO proud of him bc ik he worked so hard for it#let it be known i'll be related to a future fashion designer icon#but yeah it just made me just realize once again how far apart we've grown#we used to be so close….. i considered him one of my best friends…..#oh the heartache#BUT!!!! he'll be around the next 6-8 weeks for break so maybe i'll show my face around family birthdays again knowing he might be there#haven't rly been since he left bc he was the reason i used to go lol#if he's not too busy meeting up with my ex friendgroup that is….
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(deleted th poll bc i felt weird abt. kinda being told to do it by an anon lmao. but i got 25 votes on ye, which's good enough for me. so i'll at least attempt to do th thing)
(feel free to suggest prompts in th replys or tags for th fell sans drawings :3)
#adhd plz don't smite my motivation for this lmao#i'm'a /try/#wish me luck#i will need it#also want this to b a casual thing#jus for funsies#bc i want to#didderd talks#edit:#also. anyone else 's free to do this too#i won't make a prompt list#(mby next year. but 's a lil short notice to do this year)#but ofc. doing a week of doodles of a character for their birthday isn't exactly an idea i can copyright lmao#(nor one i'd want to. would love to see others do this too)
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having a bad day ladies I think I need prayer, coffee, bread, and a good book, in that order
#just feelin Weird#probably bc I have not gotten much sleep this week + screwed something up at church this morning + feeling weird emotionally#ALREADY bc of 1) another church thing and 2) another personal thing that idk how to handle and I just feel Awkward#and play rehearsals every day and having to get a ride next week from one of the costuming department girls#which was an anxiety inducing conversation to have akskdhskfjs#anyway I just need a Break. and to Break Bread.#I'm making cupcakes tonight bc tomorrow is my church/theater friend's birthday and I'm gonna take them to practice for everyone#I have to work around a couple people's dietary restrictions but!! looking forward to it!!!#forcibly being positive even though everything is making me UNREASONABLY frustrated
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me: wow i am really stressed about getting everything set up before next tuesday and about what i'm teaching and actually doing in that first week
also me: i must have the PERFECT welcome to our classroom sign on the front door so help me god
#theres just so many font and size decisions i think im caring TOO much about it#however ive canned the birthday chart and ive shelved the idea of having cute name tag displays on the front door of each kid#ive hit me limit there. so that's helpful.#i can always add this stuff later i can always add this stuff later i can always add this stuff later#thats just gonna be the line for the next week minimum i reckon bc im a wee baby still figuring out what i want to prioritise in the room#i am going to get this sign done before bed tho i really really am i am putting that into the universe#my post tag
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why is this fuckass brain incapable of sustaining five consecutive seconds of happiness
#i found funny looking animal lightbulbs in a store! it made me giddy! that didn't even last the time it took me to get to the checkout!#i still bought them bc idk. buying makes me feel awful but so does fomo.#but if i hadnt been with my mom. i don't know i think i would've put them back#whats the fucking point of buying things i never use them anyway#it just reminds me im a fucking weirdo who never does anything with its life#im scared#im gonna be honest the plan was to kill myself once my sucky extended family left#but i dont think i can#im too scared to do anything but curl up in a ball and stare at my computer#and anyway haha a friend's birthday is next week! can't miss that oops! im just sooo generous staying alive for other people#and totally not bc i am a pathetic coward#i want this to end#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Can’t wait for my drivers license to arrive so I can be driving legally again for the first time in 1.5 years!
#for legal reasons this is a joke#SO THIS IS WHATS UP#as a youngin#a young adult one might say#I was starting to learn that some systems are bullshit when I’d previously been a pretty big rule-follower#my mom showing me how to navigate the healthcare system a bit/showing me how student loans legit have practices to confuse and fuck us over#also im really bad at getting things in on time (this is an important fact)#so when I see that my drivers license is abt to expire. I’m like ‘Oup gotta get that done!’ then promptly forget abt it#next time I remember it’s 3 months expired.#I check the date and realize that wait! in a year imma be turning 21 and just one yr after that Real ID’s will become mandatory (im p sure)#so I decide to push off renewing my license! I think that the whole process will b annoying asf bc I’ve only dealt with the DMV in-person#and it SUCKED and took forever. I’m thinking that if I renew my drivers license right on/after my 21st birthday I can knock out two birds#with one stone: I can get it as a Real ID and I can get an updated picture that’s flipped sideways so getting age-checked is faster#little do i know: it’s v much illegal to be driving around with an expired license!#I drive around for a year (over a year? I don’t remember when I first realized it was expired) j having fun#then one month b4 my 21st birthday I get into an abroad study thing and have to get my passport. which I realize is also expired. and#realize that to renew my passport I have to have a valid drivers license. At this point I also realize how fucked I could be if I get pulled#over with my expired license. so I check out the process for DL renewal and rejoice! it’s online!#AND THANK FUCK I CHECKED THEN. bc if I had waited LITERALLY two more days I would not have been able to renew online and would’ve had to go#in-person. and there were no in-person appointments until after my 21st. and I learned in this process abt the fines my state applies when u#renew a DL late and ALSO that u have to entirely retake the test/redo all the paperwork shit if it’s expired for too long. I would’ve had to#retake the test n everything if I’d gone past my bday. I was also in another state for college. idk how incoherent these ramblings are but#basically I would’ve been Ultra Fucked. anyways! got that figured out#renewed the DL and had it sent to my home. then da house floods and crime goes up in the neighborhood and my DL ends up either being lost#Or tossed (with other flood-damaged things) or stolen.#I don’t realize this for 4 months bc I am silly. also in college out-of-state. also other reasons.#finally got around to calling DMV and telling them that my DL never arrived… 6 months after I renewed it!#and they were v sweet and are resending me my DL for free. so in the next few weeks I shall finally b driving legally again#!!!! the end#mypost
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it’s my birthday tomorrow 🥹 (or technically today bc it’s just past midnight)
#this one is really special to me bc i’m turning 22 and it’s been my favorite number since i was 8#i really want to make the most of this year 🫶#also being able to relate to taylor swift’s 22 is a very welcome plus i’m gonna be playing that song all year!!!#i was so mad that i have a cold rn and can’t throw my birthday party tomorrow like i was planning#but i was able to move it to next week and i have more time to plan it now#so maybe it’s better this way!! 💕#i’ll have two special days hehe#lili’s rambles
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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friends on i went on a long walk with ice cream. and they brought up ososan. merch. certain merch. i changed the subject asap. i forgot abt the fact irls can see my interests. that was insane and freaky ..like okay don’t mention ososan ever again my dear friend or you’ll get sick!
#im pooped now. my legs r exhausted after like 9 hours of fun aww#one of them got me a 25$ McDonald’s gift card for some reason. birthday gift i think bc i was gone for so long#i paid for dinner ofc yayyyyyyyy#we r going to the movies next week and the mall. I will admit i missed them a lot. but I was burnt out
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