#me talking abt myself and being real
Text
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i need to scream. the urge to just scream bloody murder is so strong. i want to post more on social media and be more outgoing and have fun more. i want to interact more with people, make more friends, read more books. i want friends who truly get me. aaaaaaaaaaaaa. but in order to get those friends i have to go outside and actually be sociable. or if online actually interact with other people!!! the fear i have of being seen and perceived is so large but i want to do smth out of my comfort zone so often that i no longer fear it. that’s why i started this “blog”. but i don’t use it often enough and don’t interact with others to get out of my comfort zone. but honestly me typing this and putting it out there is out of my comfort zone!!! give urself pats on the back friend!! i’m always like i wanna do this i wanna do that but don’t celebrate what i have done so far. i deserve to celebrate the things i once thought were impossible for me. i am constantly growing and changing. i am becoming the person i want to be. so,,, if u read this and u relate pls reach out to me i wanna make friends… i know it’s scary to reach out at first ((i know!!!) but pls do. i wish for everyone who reads this to have a good day and to not be hard on themselves !!! ty for reading!!!
#starrjournals#journaling#this is real this is me!!#me talking abt myself and being real#is this considered mental health?#if so#mental health#dear diary#i hope to make friends!!!
0 notes
Text
mascot
#this isnt vent dw!!! i dont smoke either i was just kinda going for some sort of vibe#i know its usually played for laughs or like. dark humor whenever ppl draw mascots without their heads and u can see the actor#but i always found it fascinating and a little sobering. ever since i was a kid ive always been hyperaware of ppl in costumes#like. even if i tried to block it out id be thinking the whole time 'its not real. theres a person in that suit who gets paid to do this'#it used to be an uncomfortable nagging feeling but now its like. oh yeah theres someone with a whole life story doing this. idk#i think when i tell ppl im not conscious of my body its like. im not dysphoric or experience dissociation but. at the same time#it feels like my physical body doesnt fully outwardly represent me..?? like some sort of costume#i like to phrase it as being a giant hairless mecha and inside theres a very tiny puppy piloting the damn thing#and the other thing is. when i draw my sona i dont really see it as what i /wish/ i looked like or how i want people to see me#its like being in a costume and just. fucking around with some sort of barrier between myself and others#plus mascots arent allowed to talk and i dont really. engage with other ppl in public spaces that it kinda feels like ad lib#i share a lot abt my life but ironically im also a private person..... i guess it just gives me some sort of control over my identity#my art#myart#my oc#sona#mascot#furry#??? is this furry art????#twinkle#puppysona#edit: had to outline it bc i just realized it looks really weird on dark mode -_-
167 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love when people draw all the mxtx protagonists together but i’ll be real the generic anime boy face curse is alive and well
more often than not the art itself is fantastic it just takes me like a solid minute to figure out who’s who. bonus points if lbh is robbed of his wavy hair and the only way i can tell him apart from wwx is his forehead
#mxtx#tgcf#mdzs#svsss#heaven official's blessing#tian guan ci fu#mo dao zu shi#scum villian self saving system#hua cheng doesn’t tend to be a problem but wwx and lbh. man#also not technically a protag but honorable mention to my favorite guessing game “is it shen qingqiu or male shi qingxuan”#i must admit i am a victim of same face syndrome as well but it gets worse when they remove distinguishing features#i’m still talking abt lbh’s hair btw. i feel very strongly about his hair#every other character and their mother already has long straight black hair let him have a little fun#i love you three mxtx characters with not straight hair#also not necessarily a features thing but part of my beef with generic anime boy face is that they all look early 20s which is propaganda#listen wangxian being in their thirties is SO important to me you guys don’t understand#teenage hualian is not real to me i don’t believe in it we’ve already established that#but i’d at least like SOME indication that they’re not all the same age#i love you artists that draw san lang and hua cheng visibly different i love you artists that draw wwx and mxy visibly different#bottom line is pls give them more distinguishing features or i gotta do it myself#half joking but also this shit gets serious
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
SORRY. JUST REALIZED I ORIGINALLY SKETCHED THE STUFF FROM THAT LAST WIP POST IN. MARCH.
GODDDD...
#I GUESS MY WRIST FUCKING UP PUT ME FURTHER BACK THAN I THOUGHT#but also like. i was JUST talking about it in chat. i have a comic about the Three Of Them that i wrote in a frenzy in FEBUARY.#by the time i rewrote the dialogue and figured out the ending it was SEVEN FUCKING PAGES. SOLID.#OF JUST SCRIPT.#I STILL HAVENT EVEN FINISHED SKETCHING IT. YOU GUYS ARE NOT SEEING THAT SHIT UNTIL 2024#sometimes an idea of them will grasp me and i will just write the script out in the middle of the night#I realistically. dont even know if you guys are gonna like my scripted stuff.#the first scripted thing i wrote was a yellow&duck comic that im STILL SKETCHING BACKGROUNDS ON#i could be really bad at writing for them. i could totally not get them at all.#but hey!#we'll see when we see I guess#BUT YEAH UH. SORRY FOR LITERALLY ALL I POST BEING WIPS NOWADAYS I AM JUST WORKING ON LIKE 5 DIFFERENT DRAWINGS AT ONCE#STILL TRYING TO GET MY SPRING STUFF DONE. AND ITS ALMOST FALL. SO :]#I JUST CARE SO MUCH ABT THOSE PUPPETS DAWG I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS FOR THEM#I HAVE!!! EVEN MORE DRAWINGS THAT I JUST HAVENT SHARED!!! bc i either made them for something real specific in the discord#or bc theyre phone doodles and i dont think theyre that great. or bc i made them just for a friend and thats like. theirs now kjdhkjdfhs#a lotta times once i finish drawing smth for a friend ill just never post it bft. so its just like. for that one thing and nothing else#ANYWAYS HAPPY 3 AM IM FORCING MYSELF TO GO TO BED#AND I STILL HAVE THE ANIMATIONS#AND THE FANART FOR LIKE 5 FICS I WANNA DO#OHHH GOD CMONNN BRO IM NEVER FINISHING ANYTHING#my postings
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
Not a substantial update (yet!) just went and added missing words and tried to make the difference between past and present a little bit clearer. There were a few sentences added but nothing big :]
#the entity talks#*log#i should be sleeping but. uhmm. scuttles under a rock#thank u again psych 🙏#all feedback is welcomed :]#I'm more of an artist than I am a writer and english is not my native language HAHAHAH#also yall didnt complain abt the amount of time I use as if? yall so real cos I pissed myself off rereading HAUIASHUI#AND THAT WAS ME BEING CAREFUL. LIKE.?#as if is my best friend. my only hoe.
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
Wrote out a big long phone call rant to have with my mother later because as much as I hate it she is my closest irl spiritual confidant 👍 here’s hoping her response to ‘hey I’ve been spiritually depressed and disconnected for like 8 months and for some reason these last two weeks advocating for Palestine has me feeling alive and burning with divine passion and love in a way I’ve never felt before in my life’ isn’t like. ‘Talk to your psyche abt your meds hun’
#ra speaks#personal#religion#oh god these tags got out of hand. look away I’m rambly today.#outing myself as deeply spiritual and devout on main oops#‘aren’t you gay and trans and -‘ listen Israel the person received that name after literally wrestling with gd in the desert#I’m allowed to put my faith leaders in a spiritual headlock for past and present crimes while I live my joyful life#maybe a physical headlock too. I’m down to body slam some wueerphobic racist pos who claim to be faithful while never exercising such faith#also lmao of the idea of a queer leftist being deeply spiritual makes you uncomfortable…bro everything about me makes ppl uncomfortable#I’m bi gender I consider myself a trans gay man and a nonbinary dyke at the same time. I’m disabled and ugly and autistic. im not palatable#accept the inherent apparent contradictory nature of the varied human experience and move on.#sorry thought about that post complaining abt observant jews being excluded from the conversations about queer jews like#you don’t have to get it. you don’t have to think it’s real! but it’s real to me! it’s important to me!#so are you gonna be my transphobic uncle and call me sick and deluded the same way he talks about trans people?#or are you gonna keep your mouth shut accept that you don’t have to understand someone to respect them and move on with your life.#anyways uh. here’s hoping I don’t lose my voice or start crying like I did while typing the script up.#vocational woes
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
Steve is most likely to end up in a lavender marriage and Tony's most likely to end up in a “married for tax/immigration/inheritance fraud” reasons.
They meet as married men and pine for each other hardcore and are also trying not to read too much into how their interest seems reciprocated and oh nooooo both Immigration/the IRS and the the Church/in-laws/DADT era army dudes or whatever are snooping around at the same time at each of their marriages and they have to be so good at being married at the people they are married to oh noooooo and they other guy doesn’t know why they are suddenly being iced out and maybe they were just imagining things? maybe it’s for the best with all these eyes around on them…
#not to get too real but i love queer people. we see each other and we save each other#i wish i could talk in depth about this lgbtq history panel i went to tonight without doxxing myself#but basically all of these panelists were older gay ppl & one of them won a very monumental court case in the state#and right after introductions one of the other panelists turned to her and thanked her so profusely for the sacrifices she had made#and the work she did to win that case#and that by achieving that win for herself she paved the way for this other panelist to have her own family recognized legally by the state#i don't know i'm not explaining it well but something about knowing and seeing that gratitude in real time. understanding so viscerally tha#so much of our history has happened within one or two lifetimes. to the point that many of the champions of our current rights are alive#today for us to learn from and listen to and THANK#i met two nb ppl through school last year and have since become very close to them#they are the only two ppl on this planet who use my pronouns the way i want them to be used. they switch it up every time and i love them#a little bit more each time i hear them talk about me. it's magical#my childhood best friend told me he liked boys and girls like a month after we first met each other in the fourth grade#he told me there's a word for that; he's bisexual#i think abt how incredible that was a lot. how brave he was to say that and to own that and how long it might have taken me to figure#out that i was the same had he not said it.#anyway all this to say that yes absolutely i love this#steve and tony meet at a military gala. steve's being recognized for his service and tony and his wife were invited by some higher-up who#imagined he could use the event as a way to cozy up to him and earn some good favor before negotiations start on SI's contract renewal#their eyes meet while steve's up on stage. he hates these things. hates being dragged into the spotlight. he feels naked and bare and#vulnerable every time. trapped in enemy territory with no cover. but he sucks it up he kisses his wife on the cheek and she smiles#big and beautiful; perfect like they've run their lines 1000 times over. like they could recite each other's parts by heart#he makes his way to the podium. breathes deep to center himself before he launches into his thankless thank-yous. steve's a terrible liar#but somehow he's made it this far in his career. he can manage for one more night. except#right as he lifts his eyes to speak he sees him. bright eyes burning into his from a shadowed table in the corner. the brass speaking at hi#on his left and a lovely woman who's bored and unimpressed on his right. and him looking directly back at steve#steve's breath catches and he chokes on air. trips on his lines. forgets himself and loses the beat of the scene#he looks down at his notes and ignores them. raises his face to the light and plays himself to be seen by an audience of one.#anon#signed sealed delivered
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
🐇☁️🌷🐌
#seeing her actually went so much better than i thought it would#i was so anxious but there were no issues at all#the thing is she's such a chill and understanding person she really dont care if i jumble my words or say smth wrong or whatever#i dont need to worry abt sounding 'stupid' bc she just doesnt see it that way#so yeah my anxiety disappeared pretty quick c:#(i still feel like there's a wall between me and others tho my avpd isnt cured skskks)#and it was just nice. we walked a loooot. and sat by the beach and talked#she gave me lots of tips and advice abt applying for jobs and school stuff. she doesnt judge me for being 25 and not having started yet#and she's gonna start studying next year and suggested that we could study together sometimes to motivate eo#so hmmmm maybe it went a lot better than my doom mind thought it would#i rlly do believe ppl hate me but why would she even bother talking to me then??#so yeah it was a nice experience :3#it's been like 6yrs since i hung out w someone that wasnt my mom and it reallyyy is good for my mental health#i still feel like ohhh this isnt the friendship im craving but there are tons of different friendships. this is nice just bc it is.#i shouldnt let myself minimize it or think it's 'not real' just bc it isnt exactly what i long for. this is good still.
12 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi Nina! I'm sorry you're feeling so low :< and I know you're not really up for answering HC questions, but whenever you are I was just wondering: Are all the chars genderbent in TKAK?
hello, sweet pea! you are so wonderful, thank you for checking in. <3
feeling fresh as a daisy! or a wound. haha, jk! :)
i am going to try and pull myself up by the laces of my new pink docs, put on a brave face, be kind to myself and take it easy if i can. i truly hope i do not get verbally eviscerated today, but you never know.
anyways! *rises from the deepest and darkest throes of my depression to answer this tkak question bc i am insane* hskdlasks
to which i will also say...No, Actually? for starters, i just think it would be super complicated to try and flip-flop quite literally everyone ( plus i already left randy/sharon/shelley as their respective south park genders ) but i also think all the other characters just...work the best as their OG genders? ( save for the ones that May change them )
for example, in tkak, the main three...
( does not include kenny because kenny is princess kenny, who is, ofc, a girl in tsot/tkak and uses she/her <3 ily princess kenny mWAH )
...are butters, stas and craig. :')
i fucking love them so much, ohhh my god.
ODD SQUAD RISE!!!
stas really did...
…round up all the weird lil misfit kupa keep boys lmao.
so butters, stas has been looking out for since they were little bc he's very meek and soft-spoken. the kk boys are really, really cruel to him, bully/beat him up often, generally give him hell. so stas gives it right back usually! not with her fists ofc! she's a pacifist <3 ( though i do think she could beat all of their asses lmao ) and just uses her words.
she is very convincing, forthright and is a natural born leader tbh. so the boys usually fuck off when she comes around and once they go, she checks on butters all concerned, sighs gently, then checks him for broken bones and bruises. he is her special guy, who Does start in tkak as butters but, as we know, all my butters are just marjorine in a misleading boy font ( ew ) so keep your One Eye out for that. ;)
so stas will not throw a punch but...craig...Deeeefinetly will lmao.
because of the undiagnosable medieval autism, people think craig is really weird bc he's super quiet and when he does speak, it's in a monotone and hes usually super rude/out of pocket. ily craig. but yeah, no, he will beat ur ass, frfr. he cracks his knuckles and all the rowdy lil gang boys are like ahhh hell no!! RUN! & think he is a freak.
stas likes him v much tho <3 :* also bc craig is super mega gay and was the one boy who Didn't proposition her hand in marriage. they do think about getting betrothed a lot just to avoid the mess of their parents constantly trying to get them married off haha. btw he is still rogue!craig and pickpockets/pilfers things often. stas does shake her head at him 25/8 because Tis Dishonorable, Craig! which is seriously ironic given her current situation, but when he does steal wine and stuff from the tavern cellar...she does not refuse it. lmaooooo.
speaking of being super mega gay tho, in tkak, wendy is gwendolyn :) she just goes by wendy, stas is uhhhh...Enchanted by her. helppp. wendy is constantly like messing up her hair, gives her The Business but thinks its endearing that she's always running amok with all the boys in her dad's pants & once made a joke ( it was a lil too real tho ) abt how if she were Going to take a husband, she'd hope very much that they be like stas and that it really is a terrible shame she's a girl.
WHICH???? HELLLLOOOOOO???? anyways stas is like Ohh My God not impure thoughts abt women and temptations of the flesh AGAIN!! fuck my entire life lmaooo!!! stas has had a rlly stressful long haul lowkey gay crush on wen since they were little kids, its such a mess, & craig Regularly makes fun of her for it BOO!!! she's all blushin and sputterin like Shut Thy Mouth Tucker Before I Put Mine Lips Upon Yours!!! and does chase him around making crazy kissing noises w/ craig retching like STAY BACK DEMON LMAOOO!!!
anyways....live laugh love tkak, stas n the boys n gwendy.
-uncle nina, who is un-sadgirling to answer this ask.
p.s. please note that quite literally every stas/wendy interaction goes something like this:
stas being like Oh God She Approaches, How Doth My Hair Look? and craig says...like you haven't washed it in three days time. and shes like FUUUUCK but butters is like it is Fine, stas! just be emboldened in your words!! tryin to smooth out her shirt n shit ohhh my god. then wendy gets there like good evening, craig, butters...
anastasia ;) and stas is like HJSjahahaha! smood schmeving smendy ( RIP she could not speak ) ft craig abt to lose it laughing and butters trying to shush him but lmao it gets Worse bc then stas tries to save it all like your, uh...frock looks rather Fetching in the moonlight! particularly the bodice NOT THAT I WAS LOOKING UPON IT ( heelp ) it just fell within my eyeline & i thought to tell you it was...Pleasing?
( ohhhh my god stas please ) and wendy was like -squints fondly- ah...well, thank you, stas? i think? truly, i was not at all troubled by its appearance and composition, but i am glad you find it, erm, pleasing? to your...honorable and unwandering...eyes? either way, i shall sing the seamstress your high praises and see you all on the morrow. <3 but before i depart...wendy legit leans in and stas is abt to throw up i'm not even joking bc wendy is sooo close to her face...
...then just pulls a leaf out of her hair like i found this nested in your hair and thought you might wish it banished from you and stas is like AHAHAHA YES WOW MANY THANKS SEE YOU ON THE MORROW GWENDOLY--and like leans back to try and look cool and eats shit on a barrel SMHHHHH and craig and butters are making fun of her so hard like yOuR fRocK iS veRy PleAsinG SchmEndoLyn and stas is like ohmygodddd shutupshutshutSHUTUUUP ALAS!!! i am Ruined boys! that was more despairing than death! a hundred times worse than HELL! later, i shall craft a sword and Fall Upon It, but for tonight, craig, please tell me you have procured some ale. i wish to drown my endless sorrows in it ;-;;; IM CRYING GIRL FAIL STAS!!!
#thank u for ur kind words friend i am doing my best#but yeah no all the other chars start tkak as their og genders in sp but you know...you never know...the winds of change are in the air#listen tho!!! i love stas and the boys so bad theyre soooo funny they are giving eren mikasa and armin if uve seen aot#they are truly so funny they are such legends and icons#medieval odd squad RISE#also not stas' gay ass crush on wendy and her constantly crying and throwing up its so unserious#THAT JOKE WAS A LITTLE TOO REAL WENDY LIKE MAN OH MY GOD STAS THOUGHT ABT THAT FOR MONTHS#craig and butters pointing and laughing she is like i wish i killed ppl bc both of you would be first!!! shes had ENOUGH#SHUT UP TUCKER BEFORE I PUT MINE LIPS UPON URS and craig being like EWEWEWEW shadlksad they do drink stolen mead on rooftops together <3#they do also bond abt having fucked up families/childhoods also i fucking love them so much i am passionate abt them#stas trying to talk to wendy is so funny i am dead shes so dramatic like I Am Going To Fall Upon My Sword Pls Fetch Me The Ale#so unserious shes soooooo dramatic im KHDKSLHd#NOT THAT I WAS LOOKING UPON IT LIKE OHJHHHH MY GOOOOODD IM CRYING#stas like boys do not jest or i will Throw Myself From The Belltower#and craig is like Make Haste HAHAJSSKS MAAAN#THE DISRESPECT#stas threatening to k word herself after every failed wendy interaction is too real
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
72 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#maybe im meant to be alone forever#maybe im not meant for friendship or love or closeness#i havent had a friend in 10yrs#and when i did have friends....... let's just say no one has ever actually loved me or cared for me#maybe im just mean to be a freak who's always on her own#maybe the only friends i can make are guys who say the fantasize abt raping me and then stop talking to me when they lose interest#im clearly not ever worth of real friendship bc no one ever fucking likes me nd no one ever stays#im never worth to get to know or be cared about#i mean like lmao most ppl i talk to i have to sexualize myself in order for them to even talk 2 me :p#it's whatever but#fuck if i dont get so jealous seeing girls being friends w eo and hanging out and loving eo#i will never have that#i'll never get to have close girl friends nd be besties nd trust them or have them care for me#lol#all i have when im lonely is that blog where i whenever im lonely can chat w some guy#sure they dont care abt me nd barely listens but at least theyre always there for me when im alone :p
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol
#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird#this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY#i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it#whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo#i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work#imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞#real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason#like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me#ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS???#ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like#why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean#i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything#i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed#i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame#i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol#also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually#cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj#i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle#i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore#i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable#ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao#im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed#ramblings#shut up cianna
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
idk just seems like a lot of ppl on here got real comfortable with telling ppl to go kill themselves again which is like ??????
#I gotta be honest I don't care WHAT it's abt I'll never tell someone to kill themselves but like. esp over tv. or a movie.#but maybe that has to do with being a full grown over 34 year old adult who actually has spent#most of my life trying NOT to kill myself and was actually hospitalized after an attempt so 🤷♀️#like idk babes. the whole ~this place is better cause it isn't twitter or tiktok~ like lmao idk. I just. don't know.#and I understand it's a specific type of user. I get that. believe me. my block list grows daily. I do not engage I just block#but like. at what point is it just like fuck it. the building's infested gotta demolish it. like holy shit.#I'm not on here as much as I used to be for sure. and like. idk. shit like today it's like...... idk man#I been on here for years. eons. there are parts of this place I enjoy but holy god almighty there are some fuckers on here#that severely need like. a job. a real problem. a responsibility. something. anything.#so tired of the ~I'm too scared to talk to the waiter~ crowd also being the ones calling for firebombings online like bro#shut the whole fuck up I stg#erin explains it all
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow
#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard#but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better#haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more#to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow#my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest#idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself#except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of#again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this#but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head#just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment#i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post#NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space#i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how#okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope#open mick night
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
hanging out in this server i'm in is wild to me bc it's a generally very. wholesome place. and there Are dedicated channels for nsfw and there's a Single "dark nsfw" channel that pretty much only hosts stuff like "what if it was TECHNICALLY dubcon but nobody involved was actually forced into doing anything they felt genuinely uncomfortable with" and i'm over here like. what if a character restrained and lobotomized their captive, who was horrified the whole time. what if i invent an abortifacient herb so one character can induce a miscarriage on another in secret, and then accuse them of "not caring about their baby enough" to not lose it. what if there was adoptive incest On Top Of the blood-relative incest. what if i invented ways to violate autonomy using magic or technology that you literally can't do in real life. would that be cool or what
#mine#idk i mean i don't want to judge ppl for not having my taste in fiction#but god damn. the stuff that gets classed as 'dark' in here when it's literally like#the most milquetoast version of 'you could technically consider it dubcon in that it's impossible to consent within that power dynamic'#i guess the thing i'm judging is ppl being like 'ah here's my Dark Stuff' when there's a general sense that Actually Dark Stuff#would get me extremely judgy treatment bc it verges too close to 'apologism'#personally i have no plans to get over when one of the fucking mods said they were uncomfortable with another person in the fandom's#'[incest ship] apologism' bc as we all know. incest ships that are Made Up are things you can be an apologist about In Real Life#which i can only presume is like. talking about them without going 'i'm sooooo sorry i enjoy this i know it's Bad and would be Bad irl'#anyways i'll stop talking to myself now i guess#just feels kinda meh that this space that's very much like. 'we want people to not worry about prejudice in fandom'#is still very susceptible to like. overt judginess abt stuff that Isn't gender and sexuality
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
archaeolitikum
bog buddy
verifiedtheflyest
TRILLIONAIRE SOCIETY
rekindledkristin
Kristin Brianna
alrrayfia-1-blog
Untitled