Henry Bowers: Former child star (a short thing I wrote about Henry and Connor Bowers)
"Come in." Connor commanded, lifting a black king's piece to checkmate his invsible opponent sitting in the empty chair across from him.
The big brown doors to his master suite bedroom clicked open, letting a bit of hallway light spill into the room and brighten it, even though it didn't really need it given all the light green furniture.
Golden curls flopped down from Connor's head to his temples as he contemplated his next move.
A shambling and gloomy figure poked his head out from the door, uncharacteristically meek and quiet.
It was his older cousin, Henry, looking as pitiful as a sopping wet kitty left out in the rain.
Connor usually found Henry's visits very amusing, as even on his worst days he could look in the mirror and smile, knowing he was THE Connor Bowers and not his bumbling idiot cousin, who might as well have been the biggest schmuck in hollywood.
Of course it wasn't always like this, he had to fight tooth and nail to make sure things changed the way he wanted, but it was all well worth it in the end.
He smiled at him, a relaxed and inviting smile, but not a particularly friendly one.
He rested his chin on his hand and leaned forward "Ah, Henry, i'm so glad you popped in. I was wondering when you'd come out of your room and rejoin the rest of the human race." Connor heartily laughed, but Henry didn't react, He didn't even crack a smile, he just stared forward with the same vaugley depressed glare he usually had.
He'd been staring at Connor like that a lot lately, like he suspected him of foul play but was only partially aware something was wrong.
Glassy eyed, distant, hopeless, and a little bit angry at Connor and himself for being unable to put the pieces together.
Henry felt so odd in his room, like every part of it was designed to make him feel unwelcome, most because his bedroom was just so much better than his, although part of that was simply from motivation and ego.
Connor Bowers like to keep up a snazzy appearance, anything less just wouldn't do, while Henry stopped giving a crap about anything after he turned 15.
Heck, he didn't even care enough to get one of their maids to clean it for him, they were filthy rich thanks to Connor, he didn't HAVE to clean if he didn't want to, but even that was too much to ask of Henry these days.
There were many more superficial reasons as to why the room was nicer though, the expensive furniture and size of the room being two of them.
The most striking thing of all about this room though was his large book shelf,which housed all of his hard earned awards and memorablia from his cousin's long and quite impressive career.
He was a pretty damn good actor, after all, four oscars and a network of famous people to throw money at you had to mean something talent wise, if not a talent for acting, at least some astounding charisma.
Henry seemed to be on that same track once too, but that was a long time ago, and everybody in showbiz knows that once that spark dies it's hard to start it again.
Only somebody like Brando could do that, and Henry Bowers certainly wasn't no god damn Marlon Brando, he was barely even a Marlon Wayans.
He didn't wanna spend all afternoon in here, Connor's room- or rather Connor- gave Henry the willies, and he'd rather refrain from spending more than a few minutes at a time with him.
He fiddled with his hoodie strings, a little ancy, looking like he wanted the thing to swallow him whole or wrap him up like a cocoon.
He sighed, "Connor I was wondering..." henry strained, still fighting off the last bits of a nasty sore throat. "When you have your big party tonight, can I skip it?" he mumbled.
Connor feigned a pout "Aw, but Henry, everybody's gonna miss you so much if you're not there." that was blatant lie and he knew it.
Connor's friends didn't like Henry, and Henry didn't like Connor's friends, the only times they interacted was when Connor dragged him out to parties for whatever reason.
He said it was socialization, afterall, his doctor said he was in desperate need of people, but Henry knew the real reason.
It was mockery, he hadn't figured out how or why yet, but he had a hunch that this was all big haha on him somehow, or maybe everything in his life was a big haha all along.
Maybe the mansion they lived in, Connor's whole career, and maybe even Connor himself was somehow a big haha on him.
That might have just been the paranoia talking though, his doctors did say he struggled with that stuff, sometimes Henry couldn't even tell where the shizo-paranoia ended and the existential depression started.
"I don't mean anything by it, I just- don't wanna go, ya know? I never have a good time and I don't wanna go somewhere if i'm not gonna have a good ti-" "You know Henry, you might have a good time if you bothered to dress up. When's the last time you bathed?" Connor asked, pretending to be much more worried for his cousins well being than he really was.
Henry looked down at himself and swallowed, he did look pretty bad, especially next to Connor.
Age had not been as kind to him as it was to his cousin, Connor got prettier and prettier the more years ticked on, thanks to all his skin peels and mud wraps and every other skin treatment under the sun.
Henry looked rough and haggered, he gained quite a bit of weight and you could totally tell, plus he smelled like a wet hound dog.
He bit his lip and balled his fists, his depression slipping away a little to let Henry's more violent and brash personality take the stage again.
"You know what Connor-" "Hmm?" Connor hummed, standing up to go pour himself some tea from a silver teapot.
He was clearly only half paying attention to his cousin, which only served to make Henry even more angry with him.
"I've had it up to here with you. You always walk around with a smarmy smile on your face and treat me like i'm some kind of- kinda- leper! What's your deal? Do you just hate me? If so you can tell me, i don't care. Just tell me so i can fuck off to my room forever." Henry ranted, squinting at Connor with a sort of tired anger, like this question had been bubbling in the back of Henry's mind for a while.
Connor took a moment to think of a response, then happily sighed " Alrighty then, 'spose I should tell you the truth now. I've been dying to tell you for a while anyways.".
He quickly drank from his teacup and slammed it back on the tray upside down, sliding down onto a comfortable love seat beside his bed.
"First I gotta ask you a question, do you remember your father, Henry?" asked Connor, giggling as he noticed a flurry of panic flush his face.
That was always the quickest way to get under Henry's skin, any mention of the late great Butch Bowers drove him up the wall, and Connor found that all very very funny.
"Of course I do, I mean jeez Connor, he hasn't been dead that long..." Henry grumbled, and Connor nodded.
"Well do you remember when I first came to live here?" He questioned, and Henry's mind went blank.
That was admittedly much more hazy, but pretty much all of Henry's childhood memories were like that, which was probably more than enough proof that it wasn't the best childhood.
What little he could gather from his fractured memories was that Connor's arrival was both unwelcome and quite sudden.
His parents had died, the cause of which also eluded Henry.
Something about a fire? Or was it car accident? Or maybe it was a big storm one night? He couldn't tell, and frankly, he just didn't care enough to think about it too hard.
Despite the toll it took for him to recall it, Henry could still recall it, so he simply nodded to Connor's question and awaited more context.
"Well, funny story about you and your dad... I used to actually be sooo jealous of you two, I'm sure you've blocked out this whole part but it's true. I was real jealous of you and that steady gig you got on that one show, what was it called again? The uh- the uhhh-" Connor snapped his fingers, the name too far back and generic for him to remember.
"The family for Ameli." Henry solemly replied, the name putting a pit in his stomache.
Connor laughed and clapped his hands in agreement "Haha! Yes! You got it!" he cheered.
Henry had had a pretty good stint on that show, he'd become a break out star on it not too long after the first few episodes aired, and the longer it went on the more he stole the spot light from every other character.
He played some annoying but cute little neighbor kid, ala Dennis the menace, spouting catch phrases here and there, and as he got older he began to mature into the more cute bad boy love interest type, and it was fantastic.
He was young, popular, and most of all bringing in the big bucks.
Butch loved that about Henry, in fact it was his favorite thing about his son, how much dough he could rake in just from a few tv spots and commercials.
More roles began to fall into his lap, and it was all happening so fast Henry thought there was no end insight, he thought he'd found the holy grail of job oppertunities.
Then he hit 14, and his voice got squeaky, his face got pimply, his teeth needed braces, and all of sudden, his "talent" to stand there and look cute while reading cue cards didn't seem as awesome as it once was.
This was pretty bad for him already, especially since Henry and his father had spent a long time trying to fight the pains of puberty and keep that cash cow mooing.
They counted calories, they dressed him more like a kid, Butch was even considering puberty blockers before Henry realized that was probably going too far.
As bad as it was though, Henry probably would have been able to handle it, being hated by his father certainly wasn't anything new, and not every child star can make a successful career out of it.
But Connor was there now, and that flipped Henry's whole world upside down.
At first, Butch and Henry treated Connor with indifference, and sometimes, even outright cruelty, but Connor made it very clear though that he wasn't just gonna sit down and take it, he was too spiteful for that.
Somehow, he convinced Butch to let him become an actor too, and unlike Henry, Connor had actual talent.
He was good, really fucking good actually, and Henry watched on as Butch began to favor Connor more every year, while Henry was driven to darker and darker places.
It was rough, and if his lack of talent didn't ruin his career before, his depression and substance abuse sure as fuck did.
He might have acted like he didn't really care but a part of him longed for the time when he was the most important Bowers, no matter how phoney it was.
He might have just been a glorified puppet or a doll you could click the button on and get a catch phrase, but he was a well loved doll.
He was a praised and respected doll, he was revered and put on this pedestal as the next big thing.
He wanted to be the popular again so badly, but of course... that time was long gone now.
Henry had been told he was a somebody for so long, that when that thing he was so sure he was was ripped away from him, there was no Henry Bowers, just a husk named Henry Bowers.
He'd been so many different kids ove the years, the real kid was lost along the way, if it ever was there in the first place, and even though it was irrational, he knew it all had to be Connor's fault somehow.
"Why are you even bringing this up? I hate talking about it." Henry complained.
"Because it's important to the story." Connor replied, and Henry frowned.
"Is that really it? You got problems just cause i was better than you as a kid?" Asked Henry, but his cousin shook his head.
"Oh trust me, I did have issues, but I solved them a long time ago." He explained, and Henry could feel this conversation was leading to something bad, something very very bad.
"What- what is that supposed to mean?" He asked, and Connor smiled wider.
"I've been very good at supporting you Henry, i paid for your private doctors, i give you a room, i even put that clause in my contract to make sure you always got roles along side me. But i would be lying if I told you I did all that out of love..." said Connor, walking back over to the chess board and aimlessly picking up the queen piece.
"You see Henry, the real reason I put that clause in my contract wasn't because I wanted you to get work, but because I despised you, I've always despised you, and that clause was meant to be your comeuppance. I didn't want you to stop getting roles because I knew if you stopped getting roles you'd eventually have to move on, and I didn't want you to move on. I wanted you stuck, I wanted you to feel worthless and trapped like you made me feel. You could have found a job you actually liked, got married, foun some friends, and even maybe have a few wonderful children to call your own, but because of me you never got to leave. You never got to heal or grow. I made sure everytime i succeeded you'd be forced to take my left overs and do the same tired old song and dance you hated. I never wanted your wounds to heal, so i made sure they grew every day, so you could know what it truly means to feel worthless. And believe me, i'm not sorry." Connor stated, venomous hatred seething throigh his voice as all Henry had long since supsected about his life finally came true.
He'd been right about Connor's lack of caring, he was right about everything, and now Henry was wondering what else he was probably right about.
Were the doctors phoney too? Was all of it phoney? Was nothing he knew real? He wasn't really sure of anything anymore, but he knew one thing, he was pissed.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Henry yelled, and Connor just nodded with no remorse.
Henry began to shake with rage, it was a miracle he didn't start crying.
"I'm- I'm-" he huffed, hands trembling "I'm going to kill you!" He screeched, lunging for Connor, but his cousin side stepped him like it was no big deal, sending Henry falling right into the chess table.
Henry hit his head right on the side of it, but was still mostly okay, or just about as okay as some one could be after getting decked in the face by a hard surface.
Reeling from the bump on his head, he looked up at Connor with almost heart breaking cofusion, his jaw dropped in shock from the pain.
Connor still looked flawless as ever, and Henry still looked like a total wreck, so admittedly wasn't as worried as he should have been for a dude who almost just got strangled by his cousin.
He carelessly straightened out his clothes and smiled mischeviously, eyeing Henry with malicious intent.
"Kill me all you want, still won't change what I did-" He smiled, smugly satisfied with himself "-trust me, If you could still fix your life you wouldn't be here right now, so it's better to just shut up and accept what i've given you, cause it's never gonna get better. I made sure of that." He finished, leaning over Henry ever so slightly just to emphasize how much control and power he had over his injured and depressed cousin.
And that's when Henry's heart skipped a beat and he finally realized the awful truth about his life, that no matter what Henry had tried to do from now on, Connor would always be ready to sabatoge it.
He was still the same old puppet he was as a kid, the only difference was that his only audience left was his vindictive but oh so perfect cousin, who really only wanted to see him fail.
And Henry just had to live with that now.
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During the first semester of this year, in fact until August, I tried to put my to-do list in an app. I had hope to be able to carry it everywhere with me, with limited additional weight to my backpack, and the idea of being able to sync it in my phone and on any device was appealing. But by the end of August, I had to put the idea to rest. It was never going to work for me. There's nothing easier to ignore than a notification, but there's nothing that can nag more at me than an unread notification. I was losing my mind, and feeling unfocused both at home and at work.
To be fair, I don't think you should be always focused. That kind of productivity is the achievement productivity books are selling you. They can be obnoxious afuck with it. But as my life is shared with my family, my work and my hobbies, I need to be able to keep track of what I must, should or want to do.
So I went back to my organiser. It sounds very fancy. It's not. It's an A5 binder, I filled with doted paper.
I use a mix of influences, but mainly I take inspiration from the original Bullet Journal method, and from Getting Things Done. From the Bujo, I took the idea of collections, of a key code and of very few trackers. From the GTD, I took the weekly review, the in-tray and always starting a task description with a verb. So what does it looks like ?
Here are the basic bones. Six tabs, with 1) routines, 2) weekly view which is gone since I began this post's draft, 3) In-tray, 4) collections, 5) references, 6) archives
The routines contains 2 things: stretching exercises and my trackers. I reduced it to only two trackers, one for tasks needed to be done regularly (I'm not sure I'll keep it), and one to see when I write or "touch" my writing. The notion of "touch your writing (every day)" was introduced to me by Lionel Davoust, to take in account everything around writing that isn't properly speaking writing (editing, correcting, but also plotting, research, brainstorming, sorting...). It helped me to be more forgiving to my failure to write.
The weekly view was supposed to be very simple. Set with the week number at the top, it was directly followed with the list of the main tasks I wanted to accomplish during that week. I only opened the next week during weekly review. The repetition with the In-tray, made it too heavy to manage, and I started to ignore my organiser (that's always the sign something doesn't work). I probably will use that now-empty spot for something else, maybe even dedicate it to learning Japanese.
The In-tray lists every task I can think of, or comes across (except emails answers where I use the unread option in my mailbox). During my weekly review I will go through them and scratch tasks I've (forgot to mark as) done, but also tasks that are no longer relevant. I also add a color code to identify 3 groups of tasks: Professional, Personal, and the ones related to my daughter and partner. (sorry for blurring so much, but privacy is key)
I will only show the index of the collections. Some contain too much sensitive data to show more. Collections are what I want to keep permanently (birthdays, travel lists, embroidery projects lists...)
The reference has only two things atm: the key, and a set-up cheat sheet, because I'm lazy.
Finally the archive is something I use when I need (want) to keep old collections, that are no longer relevant, but worth keeping for legal reason or as memorablia. Currently, I have the detailed calculations of our nanny payslips, and the comments I made for my worst quarter at work (worse in the sense it was too much to handle alone, and I nearly burned out).
That's it. It's been going well so far, and I don't really feel lost on what I could do next, which was plaguing my momentum before. Hopefully, it will last, but I've learned that I shouldn't get too attached to a system. It'll work until it breaks.
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