#messy is good - messy leaves rooms for lots of interpretation

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Head-Wigs and Not Even an Inch

Abigail Thorn made me cry last night.

I mean, I knew this was not outside the realm of possibility. I presumed she would produce a work of stunning artistic beauty and overwhelm my jaded brain with some Profound Meaning. Or, fat chance, maybe she’d trip over something I’d written and tear it to pieces like a hamster going to town on a cardboard tube. Or maybe I’d go back to London, and spill my drink on her shoes in a dark club, and she’d thrash me with a riding crop — that’s slightly more likely than someone with a decent platform noticing my writing, at this point.

But, uh, no. That’s not how it went.

We pay money to get the bonus episodes of Kill James Bond. You should too. In fact, if you don’t, you’ll be lacking some context for this. But most of my work goes out into the void without context, so to hell with it. You can watch a theatrical version of Hedwig and the Angry Inch for free, on YouTube. Or you can probably pirate the film version with a clean conscience, I don’t think any of those performers are seeing much compensation from sales at this point.

We haven’t been listening to the bonus episodes in order. We often try to watch something close to the version of whatever-film they’re doing, and then listen to the episode with context. We’ve heard them mention Hedwig, and it seemed to be a profound, emotional experience. I really wanted to see Hedwig first. Well, we found a Hedwig available for free and we watched it. They tried to update it a bit, and I found that off-putting. A lot of the tropes in play are dated — “#problematic” in some ways, and genuinely hurtful in others. If you’re going to update something like that, you can’t just throw in a reference to Harry Potter and Title 42 and call it good. Preserve it in its original messy form for us, or rewrite the whole thing — if they’ll let you.

The way the actor playing Hedwig moved and sat in her (the character uses she/her and I have no idea about the actor) short skirt bothered me too. She had shorts on underneath, but I don’t think we were supposed to know that yet. “Nobody has ever told this person how they’re supposed to sit in a skirt,” I said to the spouse. Like, it wasn’t even as if she knew and had decided to ignore it. If one were transfeminine, or faking it to get out of East Berlin, someone would’ve mentioned it. “Maybe it’s for the character,” he said. Maybe it was. You could read it that way. But there’s a read on this where transness is artifice, and I don’t like that read very much. I hope that wasn’t what they were going for.

The ending could be read that way too. It’s all very surreal and that has the potential to be read a lot of different ways, but a male (or male-presenting) actor winds up bare-chested in shorts and the female one ends in a wig and a dress and they both seem very happy about it. One could say, “Well! Glad all that gender confusion’s cleared up! Now they’ve stopped pretending to be something they’re not!” I don’t like that the possibility is left open like that. It feels slimy and centrist.

But the music was great and there were some excellent moments and I was eager to hear the whole thing get dissected by some trans folks.

About a half hour into it, they were discussing John Cameron Mitchell, who identified as a gay man at the time and has since refined it to nonbinary with he/him pronouns. Hedwig’s gender is messy — she’s a fictional character written by an enby who was still in egg form, from a time before people were expected to define their transness as binary or nonbinary. Abi acknowledged the nonbinary actor/writer/director, and mentioned that there’s a lot of pressure to define your gender neatly these days… And said, “No.” That’s not it. Hedwig is a woman like her. Period.

I had been saying to the spouse (we talk over the podcast; we get excited) that I saw a lot of myself in Hedwig’s disaster gender, and in that way you could read the ending as her deciding to stop splitting herself between her popular, cis-passing, sellout persona, and the real, messy her. And then Abi cut me off, and I said, laughing, “Oh my god, just hip-check my identity right into the orchestra pit! What… What…” And I started to cry.

I didn’t have my guard up. I didn’t expect it. And I’d never taken a hit quite this way before. This wasn’t being denied the validity of my existence, this was the validity of my artistic merit. Abigail Thorn, a demonstrably smart person with a lot of theatre experience who loves writing and acting, will not be requiring me or John Cameron Mitchell for her interpretation of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Not even as a possible read. Please, go find yourselves in some other character, enbies. Let the transwomen have her.

…To the point where “Hansel” is treated like a modern-day deadname of a real person, when all we know for sure is that the character got rid of it to get out of East Berlin and she doesn’t use it anymore. It could be like that, but by the end of this, “Hedwig,” another name and gender she did not choose for herself, might be a deadname too. I’m not saying it has to be like that, but it’s not so ridiculous that we need to dismiss it unsaid, is it? Especially given that the goddamn originator of the character has been on a similar journey and decided to keep “John” and he/him for the moment. A person can do that and still kick their assigned gender to the curb, you know?

I didn’t need Hedwig to be about me and only me, I just needed the possibility to be left open and discussed a little bit. Another trans egg movie, but perhaps a nonbinary one this time. Like Speed Racer, it went hard and fell short! That’s all. I didn’t even know I needed that! Until Abi said I couldn’t have it.

The spouse stopped the podcast and comforted my surprised tears. He gave me a nonbinary read — which is not hard to do! — and said I deserve to be seen. I said, “I know why she said it. I do. It’s too close to their (hers and Alice’s) own experience and they don’t want to see anything else. It’s emotion-based. But… But… Nonbinary actor (and writer/director/producer/singer)! …What about Dev?” Dev really took a backseat on this one. They saw themself in Yitzhak, and Yitzhak isn’t the main character, and Abi and Alice were so into Hedwig, and they’re all friends. Yeah. I mean, I understand that too. Back off and let your friends have this one, it’s clearly important to them both.

I wanted to hear the rest of it, because it made Alice and Abi feel seen, and a lot of other trans folks too. Yeah, there’s a lot in it that aged like milk — cringy and outdated even when the film was made — but there’s a lot of valid queer experience in there, too, warts and all. I was surprised as hell that, in the end, Abi supports the “Tommy isn’t real” theory and believes this is a story about uniting one person and making yourself feel whole. And yet, she reiterated, “No.” It’s not about being nonbinary. It’s about reconciling with the male-gendered stuff you try to cut out of you when you transition. Dev and Alice were at least willing to allow that nonbinary was possible, if not quite willing to delve into it, but not Abi. Splitting yourself in two is a binary trans thing! As are many, many other things about Hedwig that I related to.

As an enby who came up with the “splitting yourself in two” metaphor while still in egg form, for a fictional character of my own who is also still in egg form, please let me tell you — please let me tell someone — that that’s not true. I didn’t meet Hedwig until last night, but I know about performing your acceptable, cis-passing, assigned gender and hiding all the “garbage” that doesn’t fit. I know what it is to be crammed into a false persona that gets a lot of love, while the real you, when you let it out, is only worthy of snarling punk lyrics into a mic at a dingy seafood restaurant with a hostile audience.

And, oh my god, do I know what it is to have a piece of you that will not come off, and prevents you from fitting fully into either binary gender. It can feel like a broken piece, like a scar, like a botched surgery you didn’t need that was inflicted on you… But it doesn’t have to be literally that. Hedwig, both the play and the person, doesn’t seem to have much use for physical reality. She’s here to unload her emotional reality, and she doesn’t care about any other real things she might damage along the way.

KJB were rather amazed that Hedwig chose to redefine herself by a (medically impossible) surgical accident. How brave of her to own her trauma like that. But I wonder, is it trauma? Or is it the only path a nonbinary egg in 1998 could see to gain an outside that expressed his inside? This isn’t what any of you wanted me to have, this isn’t even what I want to have, but it’s still me. It’s what I have to work with. (All signs point to “Tommy,” as a character, being at least a closeted gay guy who would’ve been fine if the “front of” Hedwig had been a penis, but it isn’t. It’s not quite anything at all, and he flees because that’s just too much for him to handle. Hedwig already is one of those androgynes she envies; she doesn’t need an Adam, she doesn’t need him. But she loves him/her cis-passing self, and she’s not yet ready to let him go.)

I don’t know what it is to actually try living as the other binary gender, I wasn’t active enough in queer circles to really feel that pressure to conform to the binary before I hatched. But I see it now, and I feel the same instinctive revulsion that Hedwig feels about being a divorced housewife in a trailer in Arizona. That’s not me either! Did I spend all this time and energy escaping one box, only to be trapped in another? Must I content myself with this simply because I don’t want to go back to the way I was? Is this only way I can get a green card that lets me access a queer space? To put on an ugly wig and pretend I’m more palatable?

To me, the revelation about wigs is not “I could be happy as ANY woman!” but, “This is a performance… This is all a fucking performance! This isn’t me, this is a hat someone put on my head. It comes off! I can have another hat! I can have all the hats!” And, selfishly, she denies Yitzhak that same joy, because he wears it better and seems happier. Hedwig clings to her suffering so tightly, it’s such a fundamental part of her identity, that she can’t bear to be around trans joy. No. There is no room for trans joy here, only trans spite. This story is about me. I don’t like transwomen, I don’t like transmen, and I sure as hell don’t like myself (yet)! In the end, after a lot more suffering, she’s willing to let that go.

In the end, Abi says she knows a lot of transwomen who seem to model themselves on Hedwig, and she wants them to know that isn’t how they have to be. They don’t have to choose between being just like a cis woman, or being a monstrous, chaotic, damaged other. You can be… Better than cis! Yes, says the cast of KJB, laughing, we are better than you! We are THE FUTURE! Three friends, having a ball on a podcast, trans joy at its finest — but you don’t find humour in feigning cruelty if you haven’t had some of that cruelty directed at you. This joy formed around a grain of spite. Not only does one often feel they have to be better than cis people, but when you’re still unhatched and stuck on the outside looking in, trans folks really do seem better than you. At least they know what their deal is.

I get it. I do. Because Hedwig fits me too. We all have our reasons to put on that perfectly ridiculous blonde wig and take the form of Hedwig, the Destroyer. Hedwig, the Chaotic. Hedwig, the Liar. Hedwig, the Truth. Hedwig, the Unrepentant Disaster. Hedwig, give me strength! But, it comes off. Look. It is literally a head-wig, a costume for your brain. I know sometimes you find a new wig and you really, really like it, and you become very attached and you want it to be just yours forever and ever, maybe even to the point of calling it your real hair, but… Someone else could still wear that same wig and feel just as happy as you, or maybe even happier. Maybe you’ll find a wig you like even better too. Transitioning isn’t just one and done, and Hedwigs don’t have to be forever. We do know this, don’t we?

Gender is a performance. Gender is a Hedwig. A lot of other things that you consider immutable parts of your identity are Hedwigs too. They are as real as any other social construct, but if you don’t like them or need them, you can just take them off. Sometimes it’s hard and it hurts, but I promise you can. Like Hedwig the character, or whoever that is, does. Inevitably, she must pick some new clothes, maybe new pronouns and a new name, too, but she’s not obligated to do that on camera for us. We can’t force her to say “Aha, see? This identity suited me all along!” No. We’re not entitled to know her or define her. She will be doing that for herself, later, as a whole person. What is so scary about the ending, what makes it look like a detransition instead of a synthesis, is that we insist on gendering her naked body as a male head-wig. Wouldn’t she wear something else if that wasn’t who she was? Well, maybe not. Or maybe so, but it’s her decision, not ours. Self-expression is not the Self, it just helps to define and validate the Self. Hedwigs are extremely fucking important for defining and validating the Self!

So, you know, you have to be willing to share.

[the-menace-in-pink]

Sitting next to Chrollo Lucilfer in class

Sleeps with eyes wide open. Being tied down to one place for hours bores him to no end.

Very smart, so there's nothing he can't learn on his own.

Not very talkative unless he's taken a shine to you 👀

If you tried asking for answers during an exam, he'd nod, tear off a piece of paper on which he'll fiercely scribble something. Fold it, and slide it over to you without getting caught. He will smile encouragingly at you to open it, then dive back onto his work. Inside the words, 'Lol, nope. You might want to hurry tho, 20 min left. Ps: be more discreet next time. :)'

To add insult to injury, he'll drop his learning materials and notes on your desk after the exam, 'There. For the retaking session. Good luck 😊’

If the class bores him and he's not tired enough to sleep, he'll relentlessly poke you with a straight face. Will stop for a min if you tell him off. But then he will do it again. He's a lil shit. He may only stop if you start reciprocating. Which is his biggest eek.

He keeps bothering you with random philosophical questions. Makes you wonder if he's not high sometimes 💀

Will certainly help you solve anything if you ask him tho. He likes needs to have something to do.

Lowkey would prefer doing you.

You're pretty sure a lot of people are crushing on him. That'd explain the glares you always get.

(What you don't know is that he's got a crush on you.) You're literally the only non-Phantom Troupe member he talks to or bothers 👁️

He's carrying a different book every day.

You caught him reading 50 Shades of Grey in class once.

He pales when he sees you folding the end of a page or writing something with a pencil inside your book.

He waits until you leave your seat to grab a rubber and erase what you wrote.

Don't worry tho! 😀 He remembers everything you wrote! Aannnd has a better interpretation of that chapter you worked on. Because he thinks your analysis was utterly wrong and not deep enough. (Yeah, he's got a lot of audacity)

A pickpocket, and you may be the only one who knows. Whenever teachers complain about something going amiss in the class or from a classmate's bag, you always whip your head towards him in accusation. He meets your glare with the sweetest smile.

He gives out solutions and clues to catch the 'thief'. So no one ever suspects him lol.

Stole books from the library.

Messy as hell. Just take a look at his locker and desk.

So messy his stuff even spills onto your own desk.

And ofc he'll make the most out of it. Will steal some of your school supplies and swear it's his 🤾

His room is pretty clean. Save for a big ass spider web in the corner 🕸️

He doesn't want to confirm whether it's real or some old Halloween decoration.

[bcolfanfic]

young vets au brain dump - croz being complicated version

(disclaimer: i love croz. me making him a complicated little shit in this au should not be interpreted as character bashing. i find his journey over the course of mota fascinating and figuring out how to translate that to a different setting/different war has been a fun thought experiment for me. pls don’t jump me. messy characters make the world go round!)

him and jean met in high school. sweet babies.

then they *had* a baby a lot sooner than they were really expecting. both of em out of high school, but barley.

they love each other and do everything right but shit is hard and the military preys on people trying to make ends meet

so, well- 1+1=s 2 off to basic he goes.

ends up in afghanistan around the same time bucky and gale and all the other guys start rolling in there.

also ends up there with his bff from basic training, tech school and everything else. bubbles <3

the two of them end up bunking with demarco and douglas which is quite the right brain/left brain dynamic lol.

croz and bubbles' side of the room is snowglobes and kid pictures and demarco and douglas' side is women from magazines taped on the wall god love em.

gets along decently well with everyone but.

then bubbles dies and that's when everything really starts to go to shit.

i wrote a little about his initial fight with bucky about the IED that killed bubbles here.

they don't really make up from that.

for a long while.

croz is in a spiral about losing his best friend, bucky is starting to not do so well with the preindictment they're all in himself and they just. really set each other off.

kinda freaks everyone out bc they remember sweet baby face croz who puked a lot but now he's just different. damn war.

it gets to a point where him and bucky can't be in the same room without popping off at each other. and everyone else is having to micromanage them on top of having to do their actual jobs in war zone. (70% of the time its brady having to keep bucky away if not gale. croz's "insurance" buddies are rosie and douglas)

does end up getting involved with a girl in another unit

douglas and demarco clock it before anyone else bc he starts coming to bed at weird hours and they see him around this girl and just knowww.

pisses demarco off esp bc he had a whole Thing with finding out his girl back home cheated on him.

one night demarco decides to wait up for him to get back from wherever the fuck it is he goes with her at night and just about fucking jumps him and douglas has to pull him off (after he gets a good whack in)

it was a *loud* commotion of a fight lmfao bucky could hear it from their room and wanted to go see what was going on but gale was like noooppeee. no y' don't.

croz ends up telling jean everything. she forgives him. ("women! eliza could leave alex now for cheating on her. or not. as she wished." - vanessa nadal on eliza hamilton)

him and bucky make up during the pull out from afghanistan bc bucky just about saves his life in the chaos.

poor croz just breaks down crying/panicking about how he wants to go home. and bucky doesn't see that little shit that he's grown resentful towards, he sees that nervous pukey kid from when they first met

buttt...post war things get a little dicey again.

bc he stays in.

bagram sucked the war sucked but. he still has a family to provide for, he's not totally on the outs with the forces so he ultimately decides leaving would be more work than it's worth.

gets deployed to raf mildenhall base in england and gets to move with his wife and kiddos to england so. not a bad deal.

but there are. feelings. amongst the others about him staying in.

especially curt- who is the most "fuck all of that and the government too". getting his leg blown off fucked him up 7 ways to sunday and just completely shaped his view on it all.

the two of them get reallllly into it once when all the guys are together and it gets. ugly.

curt says a whole lot of shit about how he doesn't know how he can look at his kids knowing what they saw happen to kids overseas, what /they/ endorsed by being there. croz says its none of his business- he had his reasons for staying in, curt says name one that isn't selfish and it just. escalates. till they're both yelling and mean. croz eventually says something dumb on impulse about how he won't apologize for not letting the war radicalize him against his country and curt has to be yanked back from decking him lmfao. just another night!

if the others weren't all friends with both of em him and curt would not fuck with each other at allllll but. they love their friends more than they dislike each other so they smile and grind their teeth and *try*.

the whole thing with bucky's drinking issues brings them together because they're on the same page about that at least.

have a longgg talk when all that is going on. and it makes curt's chest hurt bc man he really has his issues with this kid but. he knows he's doing what he genuinely believes he has to, knows he only enlisted to begin with bc he felt like it was the only way he could provide for his family.

knows that all the issues he has with the guy the fuckin military is to blame for just as much if not more than croz is himself.

a more lighthearted side bar: bucky ribs him about staying in a little too- is just more lighthearted on it bc they have become more friendly since they left bagram (and get to being even better friends once they bucks have josie).

one night they're talkin when croz complains he can't do what he wants with his facial hair because of regs and bucky is like wellllll if you gotta the fuck outta there you could grow a handlebar mustache. don't let your dreams be dreams kid!

[the-orion-scribe]

In The Book of Bill Dipper has his Nightmare about his parents fighting Do you think Dipper tell Pacifica about his parents spitting up? I know Pacifica has problem with her parents when she tell Dipper.

This is a good question. By the way, to avoid my followers seeing any spoilers from the book, I've scheduled this reply for the end of August.

The nightmare description tbh leaves a lot of room for interpretation, which boils down to these few questions: What has Dipper heard? Or thought he heard? Was it a major argument? Are the parents at risk of divorce? Did the parents eventually patch their issues up? Or do they have an amicable divorce?

One thing for sure is that the divorce has to be major enough for Dipper to have recurring nightmares. Or at least major enough for a twelve-year-old to overthink - maybe one that just got a little too loud in the middle of the night. We have to bear in mind Dipper tends to overthink himself too. Though still something that it affected Dipper greatly.

Personally I'm in the camp that the argument was not that major such that the parents have to divorce; some couples still fight regularly, and it's still a good call for the parents to send the kids off so that they have enough space to sort out their marital issues. In my fic series after all, I assumed they are fine parents who are good parental figures to Pacifica whenever she visits to Pines.

So the question is a bit moot, but assuming the other scenario when his parents still split up, I think it also depends on how his relationship was with either parent, and how the divorce played out. Optimistically, him being one of divorced parents won't be a major factor, except that it could be another source of bullying at school. Or if it's messy and unpleasant, it would certainly be a cloud that overhangs Dipper and Mabel. It also comes down to how comfortable Dipper is sharing about his parents' problems with Pacifica too, but they are really different scenarios.

In the end, nevertheless, I can imagine both would muse about how shitty actual parents can be. So far in the show, besides Robbie's parents, we don't really see whole parental units around (Wendy's Mom is notably absent, and Soos' Dad had left elsewhere). Even Filbrick and Caryn were dysfunctional to say the least.

I know of a fic by TheEarthBendingRavenclaw depicting Dipper having deadbeat parents in general, particularly his father Roderick.

"You are too self-centered for your own good!" Stan yelled as he ran back to the door. "To the point that you've actually become delusional. So either get your act together and be here for your son, or get out!" "I got scheduled to go to a very important-" "Then get it out!" Stan yelled and he and Ford stormed into the kitchen. Both men were so angry that they didn't notice that Dipper and Pacifica were listening. "Seriously," Dipper held his face in his hands. "Is this what you were upset over," Pacifica asked as she set a hand on his back. "Kind of, I didn't know he was gonna come for Great Uncle Ford's help on a job. But they did tell me to stop contacting them today." Pacifica huffed an angry sigh. "Well, screw them!" "I know, I know, they don't deserve my attention but… don't I deserve to have my own parents at my own wedding?" Dipper sighed. "Sure, we both do," Pacifica answered. "Everyone does. But we're not so lucky, in that regard." Dipper sighed as he turned to her and pulled her close. "Guess we'll have to make it up for each other."

I hope this reply is what you would like. I'm trying to unpack and explore various scenarios for this answer, because really the revelation of the Pines parents itself is rather vague that opens up plenty of room for various interpretations.

[grandmother-goblin]

Some thoughts about Astarion and romantic relationships because why the hell not!

As always, these are my opinions! My experiences color my interpretation just like your experiences color yours! Not here to fight, just here to talk about a character I like because I’m a huge geek.

1. After all he did whilst under the influence of Cazador, I strongly believe that he doesn’t really want sex or romance without a genuine connection with the other person.

2. This is why the potential scene with the drow twins makes me feel a little bad for him. I think if Astarion agrees to it, it’s mostly for Tav’s sake and not because he really wants to. But he does want to make Tav happy. And I think Tav, in that case, is a bit selfish for asking that of him.

3. Or! If Astarion agrees to the thing with the drow twins, it might just be because he doesn’t know how to say no or he’s falling back into old habits.

3. Or! Lastly, maybe he does genuinely want to try it! And then he gets there and is like “oh…. Oh no… Well, I’m committed now.” While I can see this being possible, I find it a little difficult to wrap my head around why he would want to try it in the first place. Because he’s essentially just using his body for people again. One of those people is Tav, who he cares about, but he doesn’t know the drow from the gnome two blocks down. (This is probably just a me thing. I’m sure him wanting to try would make total sense to some people and that’s valid! My little pea brain doesn’t totally get it though lol)

5. All that being said, I think Astarion is perfectly capable of being in a healthy polyamorous relationship in certain scenarios! But it would depend a lot on his current mental state, where he is in terms of healing from his trauma, and how secure he feels in his relationship. I’ll use Halsin as an example because that’s a possibility in game.

6. Case 1: Astarion and Tav are in a secure relationship and Tav wants to hook up with Halsin (just sex). Astarion, I think, would be okay with that provided that he feels confident/secure in his relationship with Tav. Far be it from him to keep Tav from a good time! No pressure for his involvement beside his permission.

7. Case 2: Astarion and Tav are in a secure relationship and both of them are emotionally close with Halsin. I think Astarion would be totally chill with polyamory in this case. Him and Tav want the same thing and he doesn’t have to worry about Halsin stealing Tav away.

8. Case 3: Astarion and Tav are in a secure relationship, and Tav wants a threesome with him and Halsin. Unless Astarion is already close with Halsin, I feel like he would be less okay with this. It would be similar to (2) on the list where Astarion is mostly just trying to make Tav happy.

9. Last headcanon and one that I know not everyone will agree with: Astarion is a possessive bastard.

10. Astarion went so long without having anything to call his own, not even his own body, so I think that when he’s in a relationship that Tav is his. He can share Tav if he wants to, but at the end of the day he has to know that he is Tav’s first choice.

11. This is where polyamory would probably get messy with him. I think that he would need to be Tav’s favorite. If Tav seemed to be liking their partner just as much as they liked Astarion, I think Astarion would get really jealous and insecure really fast.

12. My personal favorite scenario for Astarion is a monogamous relationship (this is not everyone’s favorite scenario! That is okay! I’m not fighting you!) The reason why this is my favorite because I think this is ultimately what Astarion would feel most comfortable with. It leaves less room for doubt, insecurity, jealousy, etc (I am fully aware these pop up in monogamous relationships as well. I am not exalting monogamous relationships here. I personally just think that would be the most comfortable situation for this particular character. Your opinions may differ and that’s fine!)

I can probably talk about this more, but that’s all I’m gonna say for now! Again, absolutely not judging or calling out anyone who thinks differently. You do you! I’m just throwing thoughts around like confetti because why not?

[sir-yeehaw-paws]

Venom Snake and Paz: Loss, Guilt and Identity

A while back, I promised I’d upload the complete Paz storyline with the cassettes included, and while I was originally going to attach this to that, the little essay below got too long.

This is a companion piece.

Thus, I’m posting the essay now as a separate entity and I will attach a link to it when I post up the video, as well. This ‘meta’ is a bit messy, as it’s meant to go in conjunction with the video.

Paz has an odd place in Phantom Pain because she doesn’t exist, except for deep within Venom’s head.

Diamond Dog Soldier: “Boss keeps disappearing to that wing under construction a lot lately.”

Her storyline is singular to him, and him alone, and it comes with more than one theory attached.

As we know, in this story, Venom encounters ‘Wandering Motherbase Soldiers’ who each carry photographs from the MSF. After he finds the first soldier and comes back, he wanders into an empty room on the Medical Platform only to be greeted with an ‘amnesiac’ Paz-who still thinks it’s 1974 and she’s little more than the Highschool girl she was pretending to be, and that Peace Day is just days away.

It's always sunny in this room, by the by, regardless of what time of day it is.

In this, he also has ‘Kaz’ and ‘Ocelot’ explaining the situation to him. ‘Kaz’ explains that she was rescued, and ‘Ocelot’ explains the amnesia and tells Venom that the ‘medics’ believe she is suffering from a type of ‘dissociative disorder’ and ‘dissociative identity disorder’.

Of course, the truth is that none of this is real. Paz is still very much deceased, and neither Kaz, nor Ocelot are actually there. Venom’s brain hallucinates this entire scenario, both as a deep manifestation of the Medic’s underlying guilt for not saving her, and the one having identity problems himself-not Paz.

I’ve seen the theory about her being there because of the Medic’s guilt and the identity theory in unison. I think that both are true, but the identity one holds just a touch more weight in my mind.

I say this, because the story line only concludes after the Truth Mission, when Venom is given the truth about who he is, and the glass castle hallucination of Paz crumbles. Leaving him not just with the truth that she died after all, but that she ‘needs to let him go’.

And with her, he has to let himself go as well. A choice that was taken from him when Zero decided the sacrificial tableau he left for Big Boss was a perfect opening to make him a body double.

Paz is dead, and so is the Medic.

I’m admittedly a little bit unsure about the guilt factor being his real driving force. I can see him feeling guilty about it. Because we know from the way Big Boss talks, “He was always the best man we had”, that this was a man with skills. Skills good enough to be on the Ground Zeroes top secret black mission to begin with, and skilled enough to perform a rapid-fire surgery with a very literal ticking bomb on board in a chopper. But I feel that the Medic also would’ve lost patients before. He’s not just a Medic, but a combat medic for a PMC. His skills, and the environment he’s in isn’t quite the same as a hospital.

What I do find telling is how the Medic interprets Paz in his sub-conscious. He does not for lack of a better word, ‘manifest’ her as a spy, or even a grown woman. Instead, his mind has conjured up the idealistic imagery of a nearly saccharine peace-loving schoolgirl. An almost extreme version of the personification she gave herself on her mission to infiltrate and spy on the MSF.

Paz has a tone of pure innocence and wonder when she speaks to Venom in these hallucinations. Only ever interrupted with more of her ‘true’ character when timelines conflict, or information as the story progresses puts a dent in the façade.

An example of this is when her wound reopens, with ‘Ocelot’ explaining to Venom that, “Well-Miller did go and tell her that Skullface was dead. If anyone should want revenge on him it’d be her, but..”

One notices that Kaz and Ocelot present strange in these hallucinations as well. They always seem just slightly out of character. Granted, that’s a tricky thing to say because ‘character’ is so subjective to a person’s interpretation, but they just feel distinctly well, ‘off’.

All of this culminates in the heartbreaking conclusion. As it all fades away, Venom watches Paz ‘die’ for the second time, and the room and everything in it fades away. I haven’t touched much on identity, just yet, but of course this only happens once Venom has come to learn the truth.

A reason I say this is because the soldiers around after the Truth Mission begin saying things like, “Boss, whoever you are, I’ll follow you no matter what.” And things of that nature. Venom-or the Medic, I’ll say for the moment, is a man who had his entire identity and sense of person-hood stripped from him by Zero and Ocelot. Once he was in that chopper and threw himself in front of Big Boss, he died. Maybe not in the most physical sense, but in the literal sense of death that we can muster up. Who he was, what he did, the choices he made, all of them gone. As he was erased and given a new face, new identity, and new memories.

All of which belonged to another person.

Paz, or Paz Ortega Andrade, wasn’t a ‘real’ person. She was a character created by Zero to fulfill a single purpose. Like say, Eva before her-we don’t know who she really was. There were other ‘Paz’s’ that failed Zero’s test, and there would’ve been others after her, should the Paz we knew fail as well.

Like the Medic, Paz wasn’t given much of a choice. She was given a job. And with that job she invented a backstory, a personality-everything she needed to slip into the MSF and achieve her goal. The only ‘Paz’ Venom/Medic and others around her knew was the spy.

Again, not unlike Eva in MGS3.

Now, there’s a whole other meta about how identity is such a warped, messy concept in the entire series a whole, but I’m going to focus mainly on Paz and Venom in here for the sake of it all. Even though there’s an argument to be made about how both of them are just fellow victims of the identity crisis many face within the series. Metal Gear has a huge commentary about identity that is present throughout the series I’d love to delve into properly sometime. The TL’DR here is that the only Paz is the one she showed them.

In that same vein, we know very little about who Venom was before he was given the Big Boss makeover. We know only what we’re told by Big Boss himself, and Ocelot and Zero’s assumptions of the man.

Big Boss: “He was always the best man we had..but.”

Ocelot (to Big Boss): “9 years ago he threw himself in front of that chopper. That day, the man you knew died.”

How this comes to mean, ‘therefore Zero decided a man willing to sacrifice himself for you would be fine being you’ I don’t know. I don’t think Zero cared much beyond, ‘I have a convenient extra body here to make use of while Big Boss is comatose.’ Either way, this is all we know about him. We know he’s in photographs with Big Boss, Morpho and Kaz. We know that he was trusted enough to be on the Ground Zeroes mission, and we know that he was a damned good medic and soldier.

And that he was born in California, USA, in 1932. That’s it. That is all we get. (And real quick, I understand that the player inputs Venom’s details themselves too-because he’s also meant to serve the role of player insert, I’m speaking strictly of the character outside of this. But for the hell of it, I’ve always called my Venom ‘Charlie’.)

Does jumping in front of the chopper for Big Boss give us a clue?

Maybe. If anything, one can imagine that Venom was under the same hypnotic spell the rest of the MSF (and later Diamond Dogs) were in that Big Boss becomes the entire world of his soldiers. They live and die for him. Much like the soldiers who go willingly when Venom has to shoot them in the head (not that every soldier does this, but it’s an interesting parallel isn’t it?)

And a bit cultist but again..another meta, that.

We can infer that Venom cared about his Boss, and his role in all this. And we can imagine that maybe if Zero asked him up front, “Would you like to be Big Boss” maybe he’d have said yes. But Venom is never given the chance to consent. It’s all placed beyond his control. When he’s put in his medically induced coma in 1975, everything that follows after is fully out of his hands.

I've said it before, but it's so eerie how Venom (Medic at this point) is sort of being ignored by everyone until Kaz brings light to him being there at all.

There's a good chance this is the last memory Medic has that's his own. Terrifying. When he is hallucinating Paz, and Ocelot is telling him that she’s suffering from identity disorder, is that not Venom’s brain trying desperately to tell him that’s what’s going on with himself? (I am not the first person to suggest this, it’s summed up a little on TVTropes but it’s a pretty good argument, or at the very least, suggestion, in my opinion). As the moments between them progress, and Venom recovers little ‘parts’ of her, is he not also recovering some parts of himself, or desperately trying to?

He's in a way, telling this to himself, through Paz.

And after all-she is permanently embedded within him, thanks to the fragments of bone and teeth.

Which is both a bi-product of the explosion, and a symbolism so un-subtle I think Kojima might as well have said ‘SHE IS ALWAYS PART OF VENOM’ in as many words.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what Paz does say in her final ‘tape’ to him.

There’s a deep undercurrent of sadness to it all. Venom has to realize (and I imagine he does) that there is no more going to back to ‘Medic’ than there is Paz coming back to life. It’s estimated that Venom accepts his place, whether willingly or not, and that perhaps, in its own way, this is a private type of mourning for him.

Not just for Paz. But for himself, too. And what tiny fragments of his former self might lie beneath. He couldn’t save her, he couldn’t save himself, and he has no choice but to be okay with that. And move on.

Let it go, they’re dead. Buried.

Whatever his personality may be come his final death in Outer Heaven in 1995, there’s an 11 year difference between the moment of him on the platform, alone and grieving, and the moment of him staring himself down in the mirror before he marches to his death.

Sacrificing himself, yet again, for the Boss he was unwittingly made into.

*As a quick note, I’m not stating that as a pure victim piece. Venom isn’t innocent and there is plenty of blood on his hands. The statement I make here is very much a sort of ‘in the moment’ one. Like so many others in the series there’s the cyclical tragedy that underpins it all, and the issue of Venom’s person hood and consent being stripped away is, in this particular statement, separate to the crimes he commits and the things he does.

[raevenlyreads]

Choosing the right spread

Folks in my discord are giving me amazing feedback for what to include in my upcoming workbook. One thing they all asked was "How do I know which spread is right for me?" So I wrote up the pros and cons of various spreads I tend to favor. Whether you're picking out a commission from me, or branching out with reading new spreads for yourself, here's the quick and dirty on my favorite spreads.

Above/Below

It’s strength is also its weakness. A/B is simple and straightforward, only dealing with one key card at a time, and only having two cards to interpret. This makes it ideal for actionable advice type readings, but less suited to revealing loads of information. It does one thing and it does that one thing very well. An excellent spread for beginners, and for keeping yourself from over complicating your interpretations.

Revealing Prism

More dynamic than the Above/Below, the Revealing Prism is great for when you want to look at a thing from multiple angles. It offers binary interpretation like Above/Below, but also has space to reveal things you wouldn’t know to ask about, and leaves you grounded with a core truth to anchor all this new information on. Another good spread for beginners looking to branch out a little. It can also be adapted to read a key card – just place your chosen key card in the center and read how the other three reflect back on it.

3 x 3 Grid

The sweet spot of not too complex, but more layered than the two before it. With the 3 x 3, you have room to customize your rows and columns to look at the interplay between two categories. Most common is making your three columns time-- past, preset, and future-- but truly the possibilities are endless. That can be its downfall; it can be daunting to try to come up with three things that feel like they “fit”. But I really love the 3 x 3 because it brings in the ability to look at the interplay between lots and lots of factors. It’s a great intermediate spread because there’s so many points to read along, but you only ever look a 2-3 cards along any one train of thought.

The Full Deck Spread

The wonderful thing that the Full Deck Spread brings to the table is chaos. The scope and messiness of the spread means there’s many, many avenues for information to present itself, so its great for a general overview of a topic, while also offering in roads for exploring in more depth and detail. However, spreading out your entire deck takes a lot of space, especially if you’ll have to shuffle layers out of the way to get to the cards you’re looking for. This spread is also very time and energy intensive, too. It can be easy to get lost in the sheer bulk of potential information, so save this one for topics you want to spend a lot of time with. It’s great for when your query is sort of nebulous, but less useful for direct, targeted answers. It can also feel a little intimidating, since it’s free form doesn’t offer clear, obvious reading lines. But with a little practice, reading the full deck like this can be very meditative, and offer a wealth of insight.

Liked this post? Check out my ko-fi for more, and for information on how to commission me for a tarot reading

[storkmuffin]

Oh dear, I've finally caught up on your posts! I'm sure you're ready to jump off the John Silver dialog train, I promise I am not here to defend him. I'm sorry the end turned out to be such a difficult time for you, I worried how you'd take it knowing your strong feelings. I personally love an ambiguous ending that leaves room for interpretation, and I love messy characters, but it's not for everyone.

But there is something I'd really like to add that I think is important when considering character preferences - I think when most people say they like a character, this very rarely means they approve of or condone or support or even like that character as a person. Or that they think the character is GOOD. For me, it means I like the CHARACTER. I'm interested in / invested in / fascinated by them.

Ie, when I say "Snape is my favorite character in Harry Potter" I completely recognize what a horrible toxic person he is. I don't like him as a person. I don't excuse or condone any of his awful abusive behavior, I don't think he's a "hero" or that it was all for true love (a young love that turned into bitter obsession, maybe). He's as dark gray as they come. He isn't my favorite because I think he is redeemed (despite his sacrifice playing a pivotal role in defeating evil, I don't think he is redeemed), he is my favorite character because he makes me THINK and FEEL the most. About mistakes, about redemption, about abuse, about paths not taken, about atonement, about it being too late to change.

John Silver is not my favorite character (Flint stan for life) but I hope you can understand how, I think for a lot of us who like Silver as a character, it doesn't mean we agree with him, think he's a good person, or condone his behavior.

What he ultimately did was unforgivable to me, but his character has stuck with me very strongly since my first watch. Because like with Snape (and Eleanor too, actually) I THINK and FEEL the most about him, and that's the messy crunchiness I love in fictional characters - his self preservation, his relationship with Flint, with Madi, what it meant to both of them, him understanding the power of likability, why he did the things he did, his betrayal, what his past might have been to inform such decisions, Flint's curse upon him that follows him the rest of his life, the final story he tells to Madi, everything. The horror of his choices in not only ruining it all for Flint and Madi but ultimately for himself as well. The tragic inevitability of it all.

At the end of the day, a preference is a preference and stories speak to us all differently and that's one of my favorite things about Black Sails. Thank you for taking the time to share all your thoughts so honestly!

Ok first of all - Thank you for this ask. Does it come off at all how honored I feel that people are writing me these heartfelt explanations and essays about their feelings for the show? Me? The most ranty ravy anti-silver person here? I hope it does.

Second - and I go on and off worrying about this - I think you and the other long essay I got makes me think that I'm crossing a line I don't want to cross, in terms of making people who don't hate John Silver in an unalloyed way like I do feel attacked by me, for not sharing my feelings. That's not what I want but I often have that effect, because there's a bite to how I put things and I speak in conclusions. If the abrasive prickliness swiped you as you were going about your tumblr business, I do apologize. Genuinely.

It might surprise you but Snape is also my favorite Harry Potter character, for the exact reasons you say. I don't think he was redeemed either, and he fascinates me anyway, and I go between shaking my head at the abuse he meted out on the younger generation and feeling sad for him for his loneliness and eveyrthing in between. I like thinking about Snape. I understand people who like thinking about Silver in the same way. I just can't, is all. Very personally specific to me - who I am, my life experiences, right down to how I got introduced to the show.

Also - because this show is excellent, and presents all the people in the show in a fully realized fashion, none of them could actually pass muster if I apply the level of hate infused scrutiny I'm giving Silver. Any one of them could be pilloried at any time. Eleanor is HIGHLY problematic. So is Vane, actually. Miranda too, and Thomas, even! (No cow too sacred!) And Billy! And Flint! (I can go OFF about Flint's flaws and errors and may well do so soon!) But I mourn their mistakes and their flaws, and they help me look at myself and those around me with consideration, a useful fictional distance, to come to a better understanding of myself and others.

Silver was designed to specifically set ME off in particular, and I respect everyone else who doesn't feel so absolute about him. As I've been saying - but it's not coming through - I'm sad and annoyed that I'm so intensely allergic, because the people who can turn Silver over in their minds and play with him as a character in the fandom are bringing a lot of creativity and beauty and energy into it, all things I love about fandom, and I am missing out.

I'm still off loading all my thoughts on Silver, so I welcome any and all input people want to give me about him. Just today I was thinking... OK but WHY this much hatred? And it has to do with what happened with my former friend who got me into this show, which I think brings that added bite that people are feeling in my anti-silver posts. I will probably spend today working through that and making a post about it, because that's how I deal with deep hurts - by writing it out.

[ruvviks]

💝⚠️🌨️💙⚔️🌲⚡️ for nathan hehe <3

nathan asks!

💝 - How much effort do they put into appearances? Do they have a favorite article of clothing?

answered here!

⚠️ - If this oc came with a warning sign, what would it be?

answered here!

🌨️ - If this oc had a day free from all their responsibilities, how would they spend it?

nathan doesn't really handle the concept of free time very well. he feels like he HAS to make himself useful at all times and once he's just sitting around it feels like he's doing something wrong. back at mobius he would end up picking up some paperwork or another work-related task he's been putting off for a while now, just to get that finished; nowadays, he would end up cleaning his apartment a little bit, or going out for a very long walk just to get himself out of the house for a while, or he would end up working on some programming for a personal project

💙 - Describe their bedroom! Is it personalized, unchanged? Messy, neat?

nathan's bedroom is surprisingly empty. he has a very small apartment to begin with, but most of the clutter can be found in the living room / kitchen space, and in his bedroom it would be limited to the old secondhand cupboards that are being held together by duct tape and stacks of books. he never really makes his bed, he needs to be able to just dive straight in at any point of the day; the curtains are always closed but also pretty thin, so they still let through a lot of light during the day. he still hasn't been able to paint the walls an appealing color so they're a kind of yellowed white and the paint is peeling a lot, leaving little bits of it on the floor all along the edges. wouldn't hurt to run a vacuum cleaner through the room every once in a while but he doesn't own one :/

⚔️ - How does this oc handle conflict?

answered here! but this can also be interpreted as combat situations so to elaborate more on that interpretation: in combat, nathan likes to either use stealth or keep his distance. he's very naturally stealthy and is a lot stronger than he looks, so he can very easily tackle an enemy to the ground and stab them when they're down. he likes using a sniper rifle and also has good aim with a regular handgun, and he likes to put a decent amount of distance between himself and his enemies as to not get crowded

🌲 - Do they have a favorite location to hang out in?

nathan just really likes staying at home in his apartment. it's a very very crappy place that desperately needs a whole list of repairs and just a deep clean in general, but it's been his home ever since he moved to krimson city at age 16 and he wouldn't have it any other way. he loves being home and the comfort it gives him :]

⚡ - Does this oc have any unusual or “irrational” fears?

nathan's most irrational fear would be getting stuck in narrow places, not in the regular claustrophobia way but more in the "what if i get stuck in a ventilation shaft and it's very stuffy in there and i won't be able to breathe very well and nobody knows i'm stuck in there and then i die" way. he has this mostly with the idea of vents, or tunnels, underwater cave systems, mineshafts, etc etc despite the fact that he has to go into a vent maybe once during the events of tew2 and he never gets himself in another situation like that

[an-ungraceful-swan]

The sophitz essay tm:

Ok. So I started rereading keeper, and I noticed how hard sophitz (the romantic pairing of Sophie and Fitz) is heavily pushed. On the wiki, there is a list of their “moments.” Throughout all the books there are quite a lot, leaving little room for doubt. But here I am writing an essay about why Sophitz doesn’t work, and why it happened in the first place. Let me get this out of the way now, this essay is biased. Unbiased people don’t write (word count) essays about why a ship doesn’t work. That being said I will try to not bash the ship itself nor the characters.

I believe Sophitz was A) a product of an unfinished idea. I think Shannon intended while writing the first few books, for Sophitz to be canon. I’m not judging her for changing her mind, I'm just saying that’s what I think happened. I also think, B) that sophitz is due to Sophie latching on to the first person nice to her/someone familiar.

Sophie’s side:

I don’t think Sophie ever actually liked Fitz. I think it’s possible but in my interpretation she never actually liked, simply latched on to him due to him being the first person to be nice to her knowing who she really is. Trust me I get it! It’s fucking scary being in a new place, and Fitz was the closest thing to familiar, he was roughly her age and knew the truth about her. He discovered her, and is in a position of power to her.

I also think there was some level of outside pressure, both from Fitz and others, claiming they knew she liked Fitz before she knew she liked Fitz. I’m too lazy to find examples but I swear every third page there is a dig about how Sophie likes Fitz, and in the later books Keefe brings it up every three pages. Like it was team fitzphie this team fitzphie that.

I think the reason Sophitz fell apart from Sophie’s side was honestly just lack of romantic interest. It felt more like an obligation than something she wanted, especially by the end of it

Fitz’s side:

For Fitz, I think it was a mix of confusion between being friends, and “like liking” someone, but also I think Sophie was the logical pick for someone in his position. She was the new girl, the most powerful, someone the Vacker family wanted to be associated with even before they knew who she was. She was the golden girl to his golden boy, and so he “chose” her. Also! Me pushing my aromantic Fitz agenda, he definitely felt pressure to find a good match, and Sophie fit the criteria of powerful, interesting, and noble. Plus, he likes her as a friend and mixed it with romantic feelings, which is a thing that happens. He felt pressure from people to like Sophie, most notably his father.

Another thing is that it explains his anger in Exile. Sophie was supposed to be the savior, the one to fix everything and yet she seems broken. She was responsible for the harm of his father at least through his perspective, based on what he knew. When shit goes sideways, the first thing you want to do is fine someone to blame. For Fitz that was Sophie.He was a scared teenage boy drawing conclusions, and it wasn’t fair to blame Sophie for that but that’s what he saw from his position, and the course of action he took.

An argument for:

I know I know I’ve spent this whole essay kind of hating on sophitz but I still think it’s a fine ship. (To an extent. I wouldn’t write a whole essay on the failings of a ship if I had no opinion on it.)

I feel most of my positive feelings for Sophitz comes from my desire to see them be friends. I want to see them just hanging out and chilling and watching movies and just being a duo. I think their dynamic is super interesting and I just want nice comfy sophitz fluff.

The rest of my positive feelings on sophitz stem from my desire to see them fall apart. I want the messiness, I want the arguments and the falling apart. Like these are two people who I would bring popcorn to their divorce. Like they’ve grown up but it’s so fascinating to me.

An argument against:

While I’m less sure of what happened in the later books, I’m using the wiki as my primary source and a lot of it… they’re just existing? Like not a lot of stuff is solely romantic. I’m picking on Lodestar right now, and this is one of the points.

“When Sophie decides to return to the Neverseen hideout where she was held captive with Dex, Sophie says, "Just... don't freak out if I start bawling, okay?" and Fitz offers to let Sophie cry on his shoulder. After Sophie sees where she was restrained, Fitz holds her steady and says, "I've got you."”

They are friends! Good friends who support each other! They’ve been through so much and this is slowly turning into a rant about me being against shipping for shippings sake. Just because two characters grow close, doesn’t mean they will be in love forever and ever. I feel central story themes are discarded in favor of shipping. Going back to the wiki point, I’d be more concerned if Fitz was like “nah” They’ve been through enough together, and should support each other without having to be in a romantic relationship.

Last point here, look at this from the wiki. “The two joke with each other.” I’m sorry I didn’t realize joking with my friends was inherently romantic. I must be in love with everyone I interact with. This wiki is really grasping at straws here, and while it’s not a bad thing and I am guilty of doing this occasionally.

It’s just exhausting that every interaction has to be seen through heart shaped sunglasses.

Conclusion:

I have spent too much of my life on these thousand or so words, so I’ll leave it here for now. Regardless of if you ship it or not, sophitz is such an interesting ship, and I love thinking about them.

@gay-otlc look look

[morningstar-chronicles]

Hi, Maddie! I hope you're having a lovely day! Thank you for conducting free readings. I'd like to request for one, please.

Question: What will my future husband find funny/entertaining about my personality?

Your work, time, and efforts are highly appreciated! Please be well and safe.

- Maryel 🌼

hello friend! please excuse the amount of time this took 💀. here is your spread:

while shuffling i picked up on a cooler colour palette in terms of energies (light blue, indigo, spring green, lavender) which indicates ??

also my phone would NOT stop going off during this reading to the point where i had to put it elsewhere so it would stop distracting me so do with that information what you will. also the cards spilled everywhere so someone has a lot to say here.

getting the distinct feeling that i should start with the oracle cards (which you got a million of, by the way) for this reading, so i guess i'll do that??

NOTE: i'm not gonna lie to you, i asked the cards the wrongass question, but i really don't want to reshuffle 💀. i asked what your future partner would find attractive/endearing about your personality, or what they appreciate about you. so, while not quite the question you asked, i hope you enjoy the reading nonetheless.

queen of hearts - heart-minded, benevolence, warning. i'm getting that you're a very empathetic person and that this person is really receptive and appreciative of the way you're able to look after them.

selfhood - farsightedness, transmutation, expansion. wow okay maryel slay! you're also able to prepare for any outcome, and your future work/academic life is thriving. you're a very street-smart person, and you handle situations elegantly and swiftly.

the jewel in the lotus - release, abundance, balance. you're very attentive with a good work-life balance. you're kind of slaying honestly?? you've got your shit HANDLED.

the saviour - trust, protection, self-sufficiency. they admire that you're a very independent person and that you can handle yourself. to be so completely honest with you, you don't need this person to thrive. but they seem very grateful that you let them stick around anyways.

the shapeshifter - perspective, challenge, medicine. represents a dualistic nature, or adaptability. the phrase "as above, so below" appears in the tarot book for this card, which i only mention -not because it's a bible quote- but because it reminds me of the welcome home ARG. in the most backwards way possible, i think spirit is trying to tell me that you feel like home to this person. or maybe you just enjoy ARGs, who knows. i did mention that you were an intellectual

two of swords (reversed) - indecision, avoidance, blocked emotion. i got kind of a sad vibe here aw :( okay, the way i interpreted this card in this context was that this person does think you can be a bit avoidant when it comes to love sometimes, but they're happy to have something they can help you with. to this person, you just seem so perfect and out of their league that they almost need you to have some kind of reason to need them. they seem really scared that one day you won't want them, and you'll up and leave.

MY PHONE WILL NOT STOP DINGING I CAN HEAR IT ACROSS THE ROOM. this is a sign. this person is singing you nothing but praises i swear. they have a million things to say and they will not let me get a word in edgewise.

seven of pentacles (reversed) - delayed success, slowing down, feeling unmotivated. in conjunction with the three of wands (which is down a couple paragraphs) i'm thinking that maybe this person thinks the only downside about you is how long they have to wait before they get to be with you. the seven of pentacles in reverse implies all good things, but that they come a lot later than originally anticipated, which makes me think that maybe this connection is still a while off.

two of pentacles - juggling, disorganization, feeling scattered. i'm seeing that though most people might find messiness or disorganization to be a negative quality your person thinks this aspect of you is very endearing and cute aw <3

death (reversed) - resistance, being stuck, bad habits. in conjunction with the last card i'm getting that this person wants you to know that your flaws are loved too <3. this person loves you wholly, both good and bad.

three of wands - peace, waiting period, vision. i'm hearing "you were worth the wait" so maybe you meet this person later in life, or you don't start dating them until later or life, or maybe there's even some kind of reason that you don't get married until later in life, but this person truly loves you and believes that everything leading up to these moments is worth it in the end.

NOT PICTURED: i found the emperor card on my floor several days after i first drew for this reading while i was interpreting. at first i thought it wasn't connected to this reading at all, but my cousin (also a tarot witch) pointed out that it likely had to do with my last reading so i'm taking it.

the emperor - structure, authority, discipline. you're definitely in charge in this relationship. that's where i think i'm going to leave that.

[thenegoteator]

10, 12, and 18 for the choose violence ask game?

10. worst part of fanon?

Is it bad that my first thought was I don't even know where to start 😭 I say this with affection for fans but there's so much sw fanon that I hate. Probably the most aggravating is the Jedi hate, because it feels like a lot of edginess and projection, often wrapped up in the most saccharine fandom therapy lingo. "they forced Anakin to repress his emotions" they LITERALLY did not, that is simply not what happened in that story. Like at that point I'm convinced we watched utterly different movies I'm sorry.

12. the unpopular character you actually like and why more people should like them

Reva 👏 deserved👏 better👏

She's a complex character!!! She makes messy and imperfect decisions based on her past and how it affects her!!! Bits of her are revealed to us over time and it requires a bit of good will and trust on the viewer's part to wait for her arc to play out!! She fits perfectly into the story that the obi wan show was trying to tell and her facets reveal angles of established characters we might never have seen otherwise!!

18. It's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

star wars visions!!! I'm always surprised how little chatter there is after the season has dropped - I think the short format leaves a lot of room for fandom to discuss and create and interpret. The world of star wars visions is big and to me that seems like an invitation!

[k00289234]

Graphic Design Workshop

Monday 22/01/24

On Monday I started the Graphic Design Discipline. It started with an introduction to the principles of design, which are alignment, repetition, contrast, hierarchy and balance. I found the presentation really interesting especially the demonstrations of how people will look at things in a specific order depending on size and placement.

We were then told to create designs using only squares with six expressive words; rhythm, movement, tension, chaos, order, staccato.

We then measured 6 squares onto a larger page that were 150mmx150mm. We cut out a load of 25mmx25mm black squares to create our designs.

After that we made a similar sheet but with 8 sections and were allowed to use circles, triangles and lines as well as squares. I really enjoyed this and found it a lot less limiting than the squares. We had to add two of our own words along with the original six so I chose 'power' and 'repeat' as they went with my project.

When we were finished those we went to the mac lab to learn about Adobe Illustrator. I found it difficult to listen to the instructions and follow along at the same time so I just watched for a lot of it. We were told to create one of our designs using the programme and I went with my movement design.

Tuesday 23/01/24

On Tuesday Sharon expanded on our previous work and wanted us to create a pattern from our project idea. She didn't want us to do anything very literal. She suggested to me that the pattern made by hand movements could be something I could work with which I thought was a really good idea. I went with the imaginary pattern your fingertips leave on a surface when you drum your fingers repeatedly.

We stared by making a brainstorm of different words to connect to the project. We then had to choose three words out of those to incorporate.

We made 4 squares of pattern suggestions and got everyone else to vote on what we should do. Mine was messy and probably confusing as I didn't think anyone besides myself would have to interpret it.

The top one on the bottom right and the ones in the top right ended up being the most popular. I then developed both of them more on a separate sheet to see which one I preferred. I ended up liking the one with the squiggly lines more. I liked how not only did it incorporate the imaginary fingerprints left from drumming your fingers but the lines also sort of show the way your fingers go up and down in the same rhythm.

I then got the coloured card from Sharon and started making the bigger version. I ended up only doing a red squiggly line and not a green one on top as I didn't have a lot of room for it or a lot of time.

I drew a squiggly line on tracing paper to get it right before drawing onto the red card. I folded the card over before I cut it out to make two identical red lines to put on the top and the bottom.

I then traced the oval shaped "fingertips" onto the green card. I added a little cutout inside them as well to make them more interesting.

I added it all together to make the final pattern.

When I glued it together I messed up the pattern a bit with the green part which I noticed too late. It's annoying because I spent so much time on it but hopefully I won't make that mistake again.

[loverboyromanroy]

aching for him in the sense that she feels sorry for him, right? english is my second language but the other definition is just... she needs to be locked up

i think in the context of the interview she's definitely coming from a place of feeling sorry/disappointed/sad that they couldn't see their partnership through because she genuinely believed they could run the show together...but she also mentions that affection for him is a part of it, so i think it just goes to show that the feelings they have towards each other are messy and entangled no matter how you look at it...lol

i also think something that both her and kieran have hinted at but i don't know if they've ever said (and i wish an interviewer would ask because i think it would be an interesting answer), is that we don't see either of these people as having any real friends, and their relationship to each other had those moments where they seemed genuinely friendly even between the lines of flirtation...so having that gone again leaves this lack (for both of them!) that could also be interpreted as desire for that element of their partnership, of that level of personal closeness, which gerri especially now can't have with anyone in logan's camp/the old guard because she feels like she's in this precarious situation

anyway i transcribed the full quote/context from that portion of the interview under the cut if you want to take a look

Interviewer: So has she cut basically that tether? Their relationship has morphed into many things, but that connection with Roman, what does that look like now? Because you know we're all fans of this couple.

JSC: [laughs] Well I think at the start of this season, it's definitely very – they're very frosty with each other and Gerri's sort of odd man out in general in the company. But there are a lot of dynamics that keep shifting through the season that Gerri and Roman...they still have some stuff they need to go through. I don't know if Jesse agrees with me but I think that whereas she keeps rebuffing his advances – which I don't think he even, I don't know what he'd do if Gerri said "yeah, let's go get a hotel room", I think he'd chicken out, you know – but I think that, you know, she somehow or another she has affection for him (and maybe just because I have so much affection for Kieran) but I feel like he did get under her skin and she really did want a protégé and she really did think he'd be a good frontman for Waystar and she'd be his like – the brains behind the beauty, and I think she's very disappointed about that. And so I do think she aches for him a little bit, but she'd never admit it.

Interview: No not in a million years.

JSC: Not in a million years. Exactly

[phoenixkaptain]

Okay, but Ruin gives me serious RE vibes, and I mean that in a positive way!

Especially RE7, like. You are trapped and helpless in a confusing mess of a building. You put yourself into this situation, you got yourself into trouble, you walked in here by yourself. You’re helpless because you don’t have any training, you aren’t prepared for any of this, you’re stuck and you can’t escape.

I think the atmosphere is good! There’s a constant anxiety, a feeling like, at any moment, something might leap out at you. Which, that atmosphere was what made the original FNAF games so good, the anxiety that any mistake could lead to your death!

The building is frightening. It’s confusing, it’s messy, it’s the worst nightmare of a person with a fear of tetanus (coughcoughmecough), it’s dark and the light takes a moment to turn on fully. The AR segments are brightly coloured, but not bright. There’s no light, there’s only darkness and the omnipresent feeling of someone peering over your shoulder, waiting for you to fuck up.

And SPOILERS —>

The weird mascot costumes freak me the FUCK out. The way they lay there, limp as corpses. The darkness of the room, with barely any light to illuminate them. The creeping feeling of dread as I wait for them to move, to twitch, to spring to life.

Now, this is a personal fear. Of course, not everyone will be freaked out by this section, and that’s okay! Horror is subjective, as all art is, so there’s nothing wrong with finding the DLC boring. I was on edge because of the set up and the location, and I went in without spoilers so Gregory not being Gregory was a surprise to me! If you didn’t experience the same, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I think Ruin did a better job of emulating the horror of FNAF games. The terrible things happening to children, the creepy mascots (this time in costume form), the uncertainty of whether or not you can trust the only thing offering you advice, the darkness, only illuminated by a single light, that could be hiding anything. You’re not safe, you’re never safe, and there’s nowhere that you can feel safe.

I like Cassie. I like the hints of background they give her. She’s loyal to Gregory, willing to sneak into a condemned building to look for him, because he was kind to her. Nobody showed up to her birthday party. Her dad is a mechanic. She’s familiar with the Pizzaplex and has been there before. She knows the characters and she cares about the characters and she’s grossed out but still tries to fix Chica and it’s very sweet!

I like that the devs are being subtle, in the game. Is Freddy the same Freddy as the base game, or a different one? Is Gregory the one who dropped the elevator? Is Cassie alive after the elevator dropped? The fuck is up with Eclipse imagery being around? Why were Monty’s legs claws? What happened to my darlingest baby boy Bonnie? Why would someone put security nodes in wet floor bots?

The game leaves you with a lot of questions, and I think that’s good! It’s open to interpretation! That’s the way FNAF should be! It’s so much more interesting to dissect the series when we don’t have all the answers handed to us! The meaning behind the endings, the motivations of the characters, the way Roxy said “I remember your birthday because you’re number one, twice”— all of it is so good! The vagueness of things is good.

I enjoyed Ruin, but I don’t blame anyone who didn’t.

[donotpercieveme123]

If nobody asked for him yet, Izuna for the ask prompt because I can’t get enough of him. And I’m going to throw a new one at you (only if you want to!) : Naori

Thx for the ask <3 and sorry for taking so long to answer😅 life kept happening or I kept forgetting.

I'll answer both. It's gonna be long so I'll put it under a cut and apologies in advance lol

Izuna

First impression

Didn't really have much of an impression of him watching the series I won't lie. I guess I thought he looked like Sasuke but NO WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE WAY OF PEACE?! Did think he would have had a lot of potential if they actually bothered to give him a shred of personality tho. And aside from wanting so so so much more about him and Madara, I also low key really wanted to see more of him and Tobirama because come on! The chemistry was there and they were obviously presented as parallels and foils of each other. I wanted more violence and I wanted it to be personal. Also them interacting as kids was kind of really cute (the way they knew each other's name) but also really heartbreaking seeing how fckn big those swords looked

Impression now

He was right about everything. But if ppl think Tobirama was bad Izuna would have been worse. On purpose.

He is just SKSJJSJSZB!! Best, most interesting, fun and heartbreaking and compelling and perfect character!! The layers, the grief, his importance!!

I won't lie his character is almost entirely made by the fandom and I don't even agree with or like the vast majority of the interpretations, but God I would kill everyone in this room then myself if I don't see him happy or in pain or perfectly collected and impartial but murderous and covered in blood and so fucked up beyond belief but still holding everything and everyone together despite the way every loss and failure kills him over and over again until he's lost all sense of himself outside of his duty and the people he failed. JDJDHXHXXXHXH HIMMMM!! Just imagine the moment any shred of child like hope he used to have was completely shattered and he became entirely nihilistic, angry and bitter, but also leaving him craving the peace he knows is impossible.

Also he so has eldest daughter, middle child energy

Favourite moment

It was pretty funny when he punched Tobirama in the face ngl

Also the way he reacted to another kid possibly being stronger than his big brother!😱 Djjdhd I can't breathe!! His little face!! He deserves everything good in the world

Idea for a story

Oh boi oh boi do you just want a never ending list of all my wips?

Literally endless endless possibilities so idk which to pick, where to start or how I'd ever stop talking lol

Literally anything and everything from back story and character analysis fics, to crack, to dark smut and graphic violence, to wholesome bittersweet found family. And that's not even touching the endless possibilities AUs would open up!!!

Unpopular opinion

As needed and honestly refreshing as the 'canon accurate' take on his personality is, I don't really think I like it all that better. It's honestly kind of boring and it reduces him to a narrative plot or some vague object in someone else's story that can be placed to the side and completely forgotten about or ignored. I find it takes everything that's significant and interesting about him then sucks everything else that would give him a fully fledged and compelling personality right out of it. I'm as tired as the next person by a lot of fandom interpretations but he doesn't need to be reduced to the human equivalent of a perfectly square, perfectly blank piece of paper. His role, importance, actions and convictions within the narrative aren't remotely changed if he's allowed to have layers of messy, gritty complexity. They'd become more fleshed out if anything. Let my man have a messy personality, please! I need something to sink my teeth into and tear apart like a chew toy!

Favourite relationship

It's literally impossible to pick just one so here are the ones I cycle through as the mood takes me.

MADARAAAA, I would actually kill for more gen uchiha siblings content! They're just- yh I don't even need to explain!

But also in that same vein HIKAKU!!!! Only child Hikaku adopting Izuna as his little brother after all his cousins are killed. Them working better together and having more in common with each other than with Madara a lot of the time (despite Madara initially being the glue that brought them together). Then the grief and blame after Izuna dies and jdndndndb!!!!

Similarly but on a different note NAORI!!!!!!! Platonic soulmates all the fckn way! Just them being best friends since childhood (probably the only stable and healthy relationship, that is only a touch codependent, that Izuna has ever had). Also I love the idea of the wlw mlm solidarity of having kids together because madara refused to procreate. And don't let me get into how Izuna's death affects her!

But also TOBIRAMA ALL DAY EVERY FCKN DAY!! They’re so perfect, the way they respect and hate one another for everything they represent and how much of themselves they see in the other, and the violent possessiveness born of it. But also the way they would fit and work together so well, how they see the possible friendship in the other and it only makes them more adamant about wanting the other dead. But also soft healthy friendship that's fun and bittersweet, especially as kids, and hdhdbxbx- No more needs to be said really

Favourite headcanon

God there r so many! But I love the thought of him having a younger sister who's somewhere between tobirama, itama and izuna in personality. And he got his sharingan after seeing her die at the hands of bloodline thieves, which he never stops blaming himself for. It massively shapes his unhealthy and somewhat obsessive need to keep everyone and everything together and safe. Not to mention the way he takes failure so personally.

(Thank you sm for asking for her btw!)

Naori

First impression

Her plotline was weird as hell tho, and it would have been cooler if she was around during the founders era

Really liked her right off the bat! Thought she had a cool design, amd loved her personality and the mediator role she played. Also loved the way she seems genuinely powerful and well respected, and how put together and kind but stern she was. True infj lol

Impression now

Same impression really, + my own ideas and backstory sprinkled in. For example, she's a lot more cynical than she present herself. I love the idea of her growing bitter after Izuna's death but coming out the other side better than say Hikaku because she still had people she needed to remain tender for.

Favourite moment

Idk the way she was introduced was pretty cool. Girl boss play ur mind games!

Idea for a story

I'd love to write anything after Izuna's death and the founding of Konoha.

Also I have zero fckn clue what her backstory was even about so I wanna rework that. I'm thinking a small group of Uchiha growing paranoid as Madara did and trying to assasinate Tobirama. Having accepted the reality they were now stuck in she makes it her mission to keep everything running smoothly and do damage control where necessary. (All for the benefit of the clan tho. She never actually accepts the will of fire and she would be the first to be able to say 'I told you so' when war breaks out again). So anyway, Tobirama agrees to let her peacefully deal with them as a 'show of trust' to any other Uchiha who might follow, but it still makes him weary of them as a whole regardless.

Unpopular opinion

Not a fan of her being written in to be shipped with whatever male character just so they can have a straight love interest. I want her to have motivations, a story, and complex thoughts and feelings outside that. That's how she was introduced in the first place! But idk if that's actually unpopular lol

Favourite relationship

Of course Izuna! Aside from what I mentioned in his bit I also like to think that they shared the same views about how the clan should be run, and especially about peace (as a whole vs peace with the Senju). And alongside being a genjutsu master and being well respected on the battlefield, I like to think that she had an affinity for healing, and she woke her Mangekyou after Izuna died because she felt responsible for not being able to save him.

But also Hikaku!!! After Madara leaves she's the only person Hikaku still has around, and despite both being two of Izuna's closest people, they only really get close after that. After he officially takes over as clan head she essentially also steps into the role Izuna had as Madara's 'right hand'. Which basically means that for all intents and purposes they lead the clan together.

Favourite headcanon

Tobirama came to her about the police force and despite hating his guts for killing Izuna they worked together. She founded the police force with her wife and had a hand in the way the anbu was initially structured. Tobirama first went to her out of guilt (and because Hikaku was more outwardly hostile lol), but over the years she became someone he deeply respected and who's advice he sought out. And despite never fully forgiving him the respect was mutual.